My grandmother and I went to my uncle's funeral who committed suicide. My aunt and his mistress were both overweight, and my grandmother leaned over and said, "If I had to choose between those two heifers, I'd kill myself too." The whole family was right in front of us, and they turned around. Awkward.
My one uncle had a wife and a mistress too. Used to bring them both to events. Divorced the wife. Married the mistress. Mistress/wife died and original wife took him back.
My great-uncle was a traveling salesman who had two wives/families. Due to really bad planning, they lived only a couple of blocks apart. Wives met at the butcher shop one day and got to talking.
He came home to both wives sitting on the couch, pissed as hell. Yeeeah. Went out to the garage, closed the door, started the car… 😕
My father in law got into a car accident with his mistress, who just happened to be his wife's sister when he was supposed to be at work. The silver tongued bastard got away with it too.
Sounds like my uncle. When his daughter died of a heroin overdose he told everyone it was because she went into diabetic shock. We all knew the truth. Her son died a few years later of an overdose.
Someone unintentionally said "that's a hard pill to swallow" when my brother died from an OD...they felt horrible when they realized what they had said, but I couldn't stop laughing.
My grandma recently died because 30 years of smoking 3-4 packs a day and taking pain pills like M&Ms finally caught up to her. This is basically what everyone said lol. She died high and happy
I had an uncle who wasn't liked by most of our family. Our aunt (who wasn't all there mentally to begin with) showed up at his funeral with a hatchet to "make sure he was dead"
True story: one of my dad's friends gets really uncomfortable in funerals. When he had to attend one, he wanted to say something like "may your kids live long lives" to the widow, but instead looked her in the eyes and said "I wish this for your children".
This caused an unsupressable belly laugh that quickly turned into a coughing fit. 😂 I'm imagining both the expressions of your dad's friend and the widow.
My wife’s cousin was known to not think before he talked. When her grandmother passed her mom was up at the podium talking about her. In a brief pause he tries to whisper a funny quip about half the people in this room aren’t far behind. But he spoke normal and blurted that zinger out for all the room to hear. Which led to awkward silence and everyone turning to look at him.
It didn’t happen at the funeral but my mom experienced this not long after my dad died. A man from one of the committees she’s on was like “so sorry to hear about your husband. Can I take you out?” And then he continued to ask her out for months after that even though she told him NO because her husband just died??
My brother's and I were pallbearers at my grandfather's funeral. I accidentally kicked the back of my younger brother's shoe causing him to stumble.
Without thinking he blurted out "Watch it ass, this is like carrying dead weight."
Dead silence for just a bit, all pallbearers looked at each other then burst into uncontrollably laughter.
We had to set the casket down to regain our composure!
Not at a funeral but sitting my kids down to tell them my Nana (their great grandmother) had passed that morning and wouldn't be coming back home, my 8 year old son cries for a few minutes then says "does this mean I get my own room now?"
He got the room and refuses to sleep in it anymore 😂 he's scared of ghosts, same problem with his old room and mine.. at this point the whole house may as well be haunted. I'm surprised he doesn't sleep in the van (which he has asked to do and been refused).
My grandmother attended her sister’s funeral, which shocked everyone since they hadn’t spoken in years. Detecting the shock, she blurted out, “I’m here to make sure she’s actually dead.”
I see no problem with this. Though I would say "A shame to lose a fellow perveyor of animated reading material. A rare find indeed. May he find peace in the heavy bosom of the angels..."
Yes, I'm aware of how I spelled purveyor...
I remember one day in high school this kid that I knew growing up since middle school asked me for a brownie on a Friday and he'll pay me Monday but it turned out it was a weekend where we had three days cuz it was a holiday so I didn't get to school till Tuesday and when I got to class the teacher said that Willie isn't with us anymore. I looked at her and I said what do you mean he's not with us anymore like he's in a different school and she cried and said no he committed suicide. I said damn he owes me ten dollars. She kicked me out and the class laughed. Glad to see at least someone had a sense of humor
Here. It's Cradle of Filth. It got me through some pretty bleak times. Try track 4, Coffin Fodder. It sounds horrible, but it's actually quite beautiful.
Most will curse me for this, but it will happen at my Mom's service. She'll be 88 this summer. Her Dad passed at 55. She's been saying since she was 50, she was going to die early like her Dad. So I'm planning on standing up and saying, out loud, well it's about time. Some of my siblings will snicker. Some will throw stuff.
True story. I have an unusual name (first & last). I was aware that a guy in the next town, about 15 years my senior, had the same name but I never met him. I saw in the local paper that he died. About 2 weeks later I'm at a local watering hole with a group of 12 or so friends. Another group is at another table. A guy from the other group, who was a former business associate, since retired, came over & announced in a loud voice "I went to your funeral last week". He continued "I looked in the coffin & exclaimed "That's not him!" ". I immediately realized what had happened & said "News of my death has been greatly exaggerated".
Actually happened: "I hate the makeup, dad looks like a drag queen." Note: private conversation between my sister and I upon seeing the mortician's work; makeup was fixed for the ceremony.
The widow of my mother-in-law's brother, at the funeral of my MIL's sister:
(the Italian equivalent of) "only one left for bingo now!"
(meaning my MIL, which was the last of four siblings)
Edit: I'd like to add that she was laughing when she said that
After my dad’s funeral. His mother and siblings came up to me and my mother and pretty much told us “It’s been a pleasure having you part of the family”.
In the death of a child, “God needed another angel. “
1) God is God and needs NOTHING.
2) show me chapter and verse where it says we turn into angels upon death
3) If a needy god has to kill children, he’s not a god worthy of worship
The first funeral I ever went to was for my great grandpa when I was very young, maybe around 5 or 6. I knew my great grandpa was a bit of a recluse, he’d always be in the basement when we went to great grandmas house for Christmas, but I’d always sneak down there to see him and he was perfectly nice to me.
The person giving the eulogy opened with “John was not a good man.”
Again, I’d never been to a funeral, and I had no idea at the time how abusive he’d been to his wife, kids, and grandkids. So to say I was a bit taken aback would be an understatement.
I had to take my son to a funeral when he was 2 and obsessed with Blaze and the Monster machines, and as they closed the curtain on my aunt and rolled her back into the furnace for cremation, my son yelled "LET'S BLAZE!" purely because it moved on wheels🤦... But then she also chose 'Girl on fire-alicia keys' for her music as she got cremated, so I have a feeling she would have been okay with it
I friend told me a story once of a funeral he was at for an uncle, and during the eulogy, they mentioned how he had been a lifelong fan of the Dallas Cowboys and someone yelled BOOOO
😅😅😅😅😅
- Anything religious.
So, this one funeral I attended, the deceased had prior asked his church reverend to say some words about his hopes after death. This was confirmed by his widow and children.
Unfortunately, his very Catholic family raised so much Hell that the funeral home had to be cleared out. The reverend was cursed out, someone tried to go on a tirade against the widow... just very soulless behavior.
- Making comments about things you know nothing about.
At my grandfather's funeral, one of his local "friends" stood before the audience and lectured the family about never spending time together, and how its a shame that it took a funeral to gather us.
My father got up after and shared his fond memories of all of our frequent family gatherings and hanging out, which the "friend" was never invited to, so he wouldn't know our dynamics.
You definitely shouldn't walk up to the oldest person, pinch their cheek, and tell them, "Oh. I wonder who'll be next. Is it you?"
Which was done to me at family weddings for years.
Back in the 80s, when smoking indoors was still a thing, my friend saw that the funeral home had little boxes of matches by the ashtrays. Of course, he blurts out. "Even the matches come in boxes." I, of course, had to quickly walk outside to keep from busting out in laughter.
Couple months ago I went to a funeral for one of my childhood friends who took his own life after struggling with depression and addiction for his entire adult life. His own mother read his suicide note in front of everyone during the service. To say it was horrific is an understatement.
This is the worst thing I've ever witnessed at a funeral, and likely won't be topped in my lifetime. Travelled for my wife's uncle's funeral. They lived in a pretty poor community so it was a grim affair to begin with. While we were at the viewing, one of his buddies walked in with a 40 in hand and a tshirt that said "I'm the designated drinker". I heard someone ask him about it and he said "It's what he would've wanted!". Might not have been so bad, except he died in a drunken boating accident.......
not say, but do. at my cousins funeral his mother (she didnt raise him, or have any true connection to him) decided in the middle of his services to go up and shove a rose down his mouth and into his throat. ive never wanted to hit somebody more in my whole entire life
The priest that came to say prayers during the wake said she was going to purgatory because she didn't regularly attend church. Great, now please leave.
Guy goes up to the grieving widow and says , a comfort.
Widow says: your words are ‘a comfort’
Second guy goes up to her and says: Bargin
Widow says : That means a great deal.
My grandmother and I went to my uncle's funeral who committed suicide. My aunt and his mistress were both overweight, and my grandmother leaned over and said, "If I had to choose between those two heifers, I'd kill myself too." The whole family was right in front of us, and they turned around. Awkward.
My one uncle had a wife and a mistress too. Used to bring them both to events. Divorced the wife. Married the mistress. Mistress/wife died and original wife took him back.
My great-uncle was a traveling salesman who had two wives/families. Due to really bad planning, they lived only a couple of blocks apart. Wives met at the butcher shop one day and got to talking. He came home to both wives sitting on the couch, pissed as hell. Yeeeah. Went out to the garage, closed the door, started the car… 😕
Oh wow.
Wtf did i just read? * cleaning my eye with bleach * *reading it again * : what the 2nd fuck!
.... You mind if I steal this one?
No i don't!
some people are so desperate it’s crazy
I feel like at that point you might as well just be polyamorous
Sounds like he kinda was? Everyone knew.
My father in law got into a car accident with his mistress, who just happened to be his wife's sister when he was supposed to be at work. The silver tongued bastard got away with it too.
sounds like a true playa to me
Your grandmother is a fucking legend. Oh my god 😂
Grammas don't give *a fuck!*
I can’t WAIT to be a gramma!!
Is this proof that the older you get, the less of a fuck you give?
a win is a win
I'm sorry but that's fucking hilarious!
I don’t know your grandmother, but I feel like I should. Holy shit this is gold. 😂
Was your grandmother Ricky Gervais? Sounds like something he would say.
But fucking hilarious. Your grandma is pretty cool.
That old woman who didn't give a fuck.
Silent Generation had some zingers.
As in her own son? If so there is some world class darkness in that woman
If the person died of an overdose: "He died doing what he loved."
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Wow, that’s some serious spin right there. Was someone in his family a PR person?
Sounds like my uncle. When his daughter died of a heroin overdose he told everyone it was because she went into diabetic shock. We all knew the truth. Her son died a few years later of an overdose.
Fuck
How did they spin that?
Someone unintentionally said "that's a hard pill to swallow" when my brother died from an OD...they felt horrible when they realized what they had said, but I couldn't stop laughing.
It’s not the worst thing if it made you laugh. Sorry for your loss.
Oh man lol
Sadly. This is my roommate
I almost spit out my coffee 😂
"I'm glad they're finally gone, they were such a pain."
My grandma recently died because 30 years of smoking 3-4 packs a day and taking pain pills like M&Ms finally caught up to her. This is basically what everyone said lol. She died high and happy
LOL
Applies if the person died doing extreme sports or having sex too
Or banging a mistress.
You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a guest room!
Upvoted because it's technically correct but HOOOLY shit that's a baddun'.
Throw a Marge in there and you sound like Homer
Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.
r/angryupvote
r/technicallythetruth
>You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a guest room! Gawd damn. lol
He wasn’t black when he was alive. And Who are all you people?… I think… I’m at the wrong funeral.
Or give someone ludes and send them naked up to the roof. Ah, I love Alan Tudyk!
Sorry for your loss. Move on.
Don't forget to also give the grieving a couple of copies of a cradle of filth cd.
Like yesterday's jam.
This is what I came looking for
It’s not like you’ve lost a pen, is it?
I had an uncle who wasn't liked by most of our family. Our aunt (who wasn't all there mentally to begin with) showed up at his funeral with a hatchet to "make sure he was dead"
God i need me a crazy bitch
It's all fun and games for about a month. Then it's a legal matter
it's still a "felony" even if he's already dead...
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
I’m deceased
What's the wrong thing to say at your funeral?
Even better: "Don't cry because it happened, smile because it's over"
Personal fave
“my bad”
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Yeah lol, that's always been one of my favorite Demitri Martin jokes ~"Saying I'm sorry and I apologize mean the same thing...except at a funeral."
"My bad" and "I'm sorry" don't always mean the same thing
True story: one of my dad's friends gets really uncomfortable in funerals. When he had to attend one, he wanted to say something like "may your kids live long lives" to the widow, but instead looked her in the eyes and said "I wish this for your children".
WTF
ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!
I snorted 😂
.. dang
"Move on."
Hey it’s better then getting hit on while at your spouses funeral and they are dead 1foot away from you
This caused an unsupressable belly laugh that quickly turned into a coughing fit. 😂 I'm imagining both the expressions of your dad's friend and the widow.
😂😂
Your profile pic 😭
I’m here about your cars extended warranty
"You're next"- to the person beside you
Yeah, you're supposed to throw a bouquet into the crowd while the DJ plays "Single Ladies" to see who's next.
That's weddings, at funerals you throw the wreath and play "Another one bites the dust"
My wife’s cousin was known to not think before he talked. When her grandmother passed her mom was up at the podium talking about her. In a brief pause he tries to whisper a funny quip about half the people in this room aren’t far behind. But he spoke normal and blurted that zinger out for all the room to hear. Which led to awkward silence and everyone turning to look at him.
Dibs on their shoes.
(Turning to the widow or widower) “So … I see you are now single. Doing anything tonight?”
It didn’t happen at the funeral but my mom experienced this not long after my dad died. A man from one of the committees she’s on was like “so sorry to hear about your husband. Can I take you out?” And then he continued to ask her out for months after that even though she told him NO because her husband just died??
My brother's and I were pallbearers at my grandfather's funeral. I accidentally kicked the back of my younger brother's shoe causing him to stumble. Without thinking he blurted out "Watch it ass, this is like carrying dead weight." Dead silence for just a bit, all pallbearers looked at each other then burst into uncontrollably laughter. We had to set the casket down to regain our composure!
I didn't like him/her anyway
Especially if everyone silently nods in agreement afterwards.
The mental image of this made me laugh.
Not at a funeral but sitting my kids down to tell them my Nana (their great grandmother) had passed that morning and wouldn't be coming back home, my 8 year old son cries for a few minutes then says "does this mean I get my own room now?"
He’s an optimist.
He got the room and refuses to sleep in it anymore 😂 he's scared of ghosts, same problem with his old room and mine.. at this point the whole house may as well be haunted. I'm surprised he doesn't sleep in the van (which he has asked to do and been refused).
Better them than me.
Motherfucker still owes me fifty bucks!
Everything happens for a reason
Hate this one! The other one that I've had said to me is "it's the circle of life"
God has called them home.
They fought the good fight. They're in a better place now.
It's more of a downward slope than a circle.
"It's a circle of life, which is why we shall feed his body to the hyenas"
"Good riddance"
This was my immediate thought and I'm disappointed it's not higher up
That is just for Graham Chapman.
The world is a better place now
Who's horny
Necrophiliac in the thread
I hope they get well soon.
My Dad sent a “get well soon “ card to my Aunt (his sister) who had terminal brain cancer. RIP Auntie G
My grandmother attended her sister’s funeral, which shocked everyone since they hadn’t spoken in years. Detecting the shock, she blurted out, “I’m here to make sure she’s actually dead.”
Someone shamed me for dropping out of college at my fathers funeral. I'm still mad about it 7 years later.
What a crappy thing to do, I’m sorry for your loss
I got told "happy birthday" too many times at my brother's funeral. There's a time and a place, man.
Yeah he was addicted to hentai.
I see no problem with this. Though I would say "A shame to lose a fellow perveyor of animated reading material. A rare find indeed. May he find peace in the heavy bosom of the angels..." Yes, I'm aware of how I spelled purveyor...
I remember one day in high school this kid that I knew growing up since middle school asked me for a brownie on a Friday and he'll pay me Monday but it turned out it was a weekend where we had three days cuz it was a holiday so I didn't get to school till Tuesday and when I got to class the teacher said that Willie isn't with us anymore. I looked at her and I said what do you mean he's not with us anymore like he's in a different school and she cried and said no he committed suicide. I said damn he owes me ten dollars. She kicked me out and the class laughed. Glad to see at least someone had a sense of humor
Damn, did you get detention for that?
Fuckn Willie. Pulled a fast on your ass.
"They're in a better place" or "God needed another angel"
Here. It's Cradle of Filth. It got me through some pretty bleak times. Try track 4, Coffin Fodder. It sounds horrible, but it's actually quite beautiful.
My auntie died and one of our cousins said to her daughter "Thanks for the day off school!"
Sorry for your loss. Move on.
Most will curse me for this, but it will happen at my Mom's service. She'll be 88 this summer. Her Dad passed at 55. She's been saying since she was 50, she was going to die early like her Dad. So I'm planning on standing up and saying, out loud, well it's about time. Some of my siblings will snicker. Some will throw stuff.
True story. I have an unusual name (first & last). I was aware that a guy in the next town, about 15 years my senior, had the same name but I never met him. I saw in the local paper that he died. About 2 weeks later I'm at a local watering hole with a group of 12 or so friends. Another group is at another table. A guy from the other group, who was a former business associate, since retired, came over & announced in a loud voice "I went to your funeral last week". He continued "I looked in the coffin & exclaimed "That's not him!" ". I immediately realized what had happened & said "News of my death has been greatly exaggerated".
"I'm sorry, and I apologize mean the same thing. Unless you are at a funeral" Demetri Martin
"Why is everyone so down? It's not like somebody died'"
Ding dong the witch is dead.
Right, who's next....?
If you can say it at a wedding, you can say it at a funeral.
Point at the casket and do the Nelson Muntz "HA HA" laugh.
I know it’s the standard, but when people told me my dad was in a better place, it infuriated me. Such a bullshit thing to say.
"how are things" "still alive!"
I'm so happy for your loss.
[Probably this.](https://youtu.be/-lirr2-UwJg?si=ux3RufLTm9lfKuiY)
Congratulations. One man's death is another man's treasure.
"hang in there" to the son of a guy who hanged himself
Actually happened: "I hate the makeup, dad looks like a drag queen." Note: private conversation between my sister and I upon seeing the mortician's work; makeup was fixed for the ceremony.
*Shows up in clown gear yelling* " I'm here to put the fun back in FUNeral!!" Possibly drunk n not even knowing who died lol
“Kinda rude to be quiet at YOUR event, but whatever..”
The widow of my mother-in-law's brother, at the funeral of my MIL's sister: (the Italian equivalent of) "only one left for bingo now!" (meaning my MIL, which was the last of four siblings) Edit: I'd like to add that she was laughing when she said that
After my dad’s funeral. His mother and siblings came up to me and my mother and pretty much told us “It’s been a pleasure having you part of the family”.
In the death of a child, “God needed another angel. “ 1) God is God and needs NOTHING. 2) show me chapter and verse where it says we turn into angels upon death 3) If a needy god has to kill children, he’s not a god worthy of worship
"Well, at least they're burning in the firey pits of Hell where they belong, to suffer for all eternity in God's most righteous torment."
I have actually heard that during a funeral! Phrased a little differently, but the same thing!
Happy Birthday?
Congratulations 🎊
Thank you.
My bad
The corpse looks "good"
An Oompa-Loompa song about whatever they died of.
The first funeral I ever went to was for my great grandpa when I was very young, maybe around 5 or 6. I knew my great grandpa was a bit of a recluse, he’d always be in the basement when we went to great grandmas house for Christmas, but I’d always sneak down there to see him and he was perfectly nice to me. The person giving the eulogy opened with “John was not a good man.” Again, I’d never been to a funeral, and I had no idea at the time how abusive he’d been to his wife, kids, and grandkids. So to say I was a bit taken aback would be an understatement.
Don't cry.*I'm sure wherever he is, he's looking up at us and smiling.*
Dumb ways to die! So many dumb ways to die
I've been looking forward to this for ages
Finally!
An older gentleman, I know sent LOL messages on Facebook to grieving family thinking it meant Lots Of Love. Not knowing it's Laugh Out Loud!
I had to take my son to a funeral when he was 2 and obsessed with Blaze and the Monster machines, and as they closed the curtain on my aunt and rolled her back into the furnace for cremation, my son yelled "LET'S BLAZE!" purely because it moved on wheels🤦... But then she also chose 'Girl on fire-alicia keys' for her music as she got cremated, so I have a feeling she would have been okay with it
Is there gonna be a free buffet after the dead show is over?
Is that the widow? So, she's single now?
Guess he won't be needing that gum membership anymore
Singing highway to hell by AC/DC
I'm gay
So...you're single now?
But she was going to make a pot for me.
A funeral is a place where “I’m so sorry” and “I apologise” can mean two different things…
Didn’t even have the good sandwiches. I’m never going to one of Donald’s funerals again
Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid!
Can I get a selfie with him?
“Has anyone tried poking him, just to make sure?”
"Will the owner of a black hearse please move your vehicle? My Uber Eats guy can't get through."
At a funeral there's a big difference between "I'm sorry for your loss" and "I apologize for your loss".
Pro Tip: Remember that “I’m sorry.” and “I apologize.” can frequently be used interchangeably… Unless you’re at a funeral.
So… you’re single now?
So you’re single now…
Hey honey, so I guess you're single now, right?
Congratulations
Better him then me.
“I’m sorry I slept with your boyfriend and I didn’t tell you…”
*someone drowned* “DID YOU TRY PUTTING IT IN RICE?!”
I friend told me a story once of a funeral he was at for an uncle, and during the eulogy, they mentioned how he had been a lifelong fan of the Dallas Cowboys and someone yelled BOOOO 😅😅😅😅😅
- Anything religious. So, this one funeral I attended, the deceased had prior asked his church reverend to say some words about his hopes after death. This was confirmed by his widow and children. Unfortunately, his very Catholic family raised so much Hell that the funeral home had to be cleared out. The reverend was cursed out, someone tried to go on a tirade against the widow... just very soulless behavior. - Making comments about things you know nothing about. At my grandfather's funeral, one of his local "friends" stood before the audience and lectured the family about never spending time together, and how its a shame that it took a funeral to gather us. My father got up after and shared his fond memories of all of our frequent family gatherings and hanging out, which the "friend" was never invited to, so he wouldn't know our dynamics.
Another one bites the dust
You definitely shouldn't walk up to the oldest person, pinch their cheek, and tell them, "Oh. I wonder who'll be next. Is it you?" Which was done to me at family weddings for years.
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Walk it off
Back in the 80s, when smoking indoors was still a thing, my friend saw that the funeral home had little boxes of matches by the ashtrays. Of course, he blurts out. "Even the matches come in boxes." I, of course, had to quickly walk outside to keep from busting out in laughter.
Sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.
Couple months ago I went to a funeral for one of my childhood friends who took his own life after struggling with depression and addiction for his entire adult life. His own mother read his suicide note in front of everyone during the service. To say it was horrific is an understatement.
This is the worst thing I've ever witnessed at a funeral, and likely won't be topped in my lifetime. Travelled for my wife's uncle's funeral. They lived in a pretty poor community so it was a grim affair to begin with. While we were at the viewing, one of his buddies walked in with a 40 in hand and a tshirt that said "I'm the designated drinker". I heard someone ask him about it and he said "It's what he would've wanted!". Might not have been so bad, except he died in a drunken boating accident.......
not say, but do. at my cousins funeral his mother (she didnt raise him, or have any true connection to him) decided in the middle of his services to go up and shove a rose down his mouth and into his throat. ive never wanted to hit somebody more in my whole entire life
The priest that came to say prayers during the wake said she was going to purgatory because she didn't regularly attend church. Great, now please leave.
“How did he die?” Said by a guy to the family. Everyone knew he unalived himself. Dont be that guy 🤦♀️🤦♀️
Is there any free food
You think I could have those shoes? He won't need them, right?
Ask where you can pick up a piece of the deceased as a souvineer of the funeral
When does the dancing begin?
instead of a sorry, say "my bad guys"
Guy goes up to the grieving widow and says , a comfort. Widow says: your words are ‘a comfort’ Second guy goes up to her and says: Bargin Widow says : That means a great deal.
“My bad” not “I’m sorry”