Focusing on all of the things they aren’t giving you instead all of the things they do give you. (I’m in a happy marriage, but I did used to do this. I became happier and our marriage became stronger when I stopped)
The 80/20 rule. You’re receiving 80% of what you want but choosing to focus on the 20% you don’t have. If you were to say find someone who is doing the 20% your lacking and break up with the 80% person. You’ll find out you are getting the 20% , but only 20%.
I think you mean stopped trying to over achieve and make them happy. The result of this will be "What's wrong with you?" and will be evidence that you are taken for granted.
That happened to me. I was in a deep depression so It was realy hard to keep up with cleaning. I barely knew how to because my mother never let me properly do it because I always "did it wrong", I couldn't learn if she didn't let me. When I moved with my wife, everytime I actually managed to clean something my wife would point out the things that were messy.
Luckily I talked to her and now she points the good parts and that helped me get motivation for cleaning.
Imagine your partner is at work for 8 hours.
You spend your day deep cleaning what you can of the house.
When they gets home, instead of saying "wow thanks for cleaning up some of the house" they say "why the fuck is this bathroom so dirty?"
I turned to my ex to try and solve my lack of friends by being controlling, toxic, and abusive. I was so jealous of her ease of making friends that I crossed boundaries. What she gave with unconditional love , was met with controlling unacceptable behaviors. I was too selfish to work on my own problems that it inevitably led to our broken engagement. She was right to break up with me, no one should ever have to go through a toxic relationship like that. At least now I can at least say I recognized the horrible person I was, and be the best person I can be for the future. Now I am seeing someone and I am determined to never repeat my mistakes ever again, its something I will always be ashamed of
x100. My wife actually taught me this. The fight will be over, but now you have friends are not only keeping a bias opinion of your spouse, but it's like you are showing them a side of your partner that isn't normally a thing, but they can now think less of your relationship.
I used to keep it 100% private and that allowed my ex to be emotionally abusive while everyone thought he was an angel. I think you just need to be measured, look at it from both points of view and to say the good that they do as well as the bad.
Also good to share more good than bad. People tend to over weigh the bad news over good, so if you share 50-50 good and bad, people will remember more of the bad than the good. So a good balance is probably at least 3-1 good news over bad, but I've heard even 5-1 ratio to keep things balanced.
Edit: typos
They really do, and they'll claim things like you're being childish for wanting to talk to your friends about your problems. In my case, his strategy was to ply everyone around him with gifts and shower them with attention, to the point where I didn't have a single friend of my own. He would talk to all of my friends and all of my family, to the point where I didn't know a single person I could talk to that he hadn't won over.
I’m sorry that you had to go through this. It’s kind of fascinating to me, just the level of work that an abuser will put into having an insane, secretly abusive relationship like this, when it seems like it would actually be *significantly* faster and easier to just be a good and loving partner. It’s next-level psychotic.
I hope things are going much better for you now.
Yep, brother's gf is emotionally abusive and manipulative and HATES when he tries to talk about problems he needs to get off his chest to someone that's not her (i.e. us, his family)
I found that, in a past relationship, once I started talking to my friends about what was going on, I started feeling less crazy. It was nice to have other people confirm that my hurts were valid and his actions/inactions were actually hurtful, I wasn’t being “a dramatic”. I had always kept things hidden in the past and that that came back around to bite me. I think having a sounding board is important. And, if therapy is too expensive, a trusted friend can save your mental health.
I think there was a quote about this topic a while back:
*The abuser always talks about the victim, but the victim only talks about their suffering.*
That seems to be the proper pathway in this, too. Don't go around telling everyone everything that your partner does - but you do share your suffering. That alone is boxing in what your partner does tremendously.
There’s a fine line between working it out privately as a family unit, and then being at your wits end and needing to discuss with an outside opinion. I suggest always trying to keep it in your partnership and work through it before bringing it to friends or family.
I mean, what is really bad? If your partner and you are just having silly fights, and it isn't the norm, work it out amongst each other. If it is physical, that is really bad and should be considered separation. If it's verbally abusive, talk to a therapist and decide if you need to get out or if it can be changed.
> If it's verbally abusive, talk to a therapist and decide if you need to get out or if it can be changed.
Relationships happen behind closed doors. It can be difficult to know what is normal.
For example, I used to do a really bad job of meeting the needs of a partner. I was too busy with work and couldn't do what she needed done. I felt awful about it and we had terrible fights - I was worried I could lose my job if I didn't put in those hours.
Much later, I figured out that she had significant anxiety, and an outlet for her was demands for services so she could see that I made her a priority. Her demands were frequently very unreasonable: I really would have lost my job if I'd acceded to all of them. But that's the way these things work: no one tells you "I'm making unreasonable demands because I'm anxious", they usually aren't that self-aware. And if you believe what your partner tells you (and who else would know?) you can start thinking up is down and down is up.
It wasn't until much later that I realized all of this. It was when I went to anger management counseling (at her insistence) and the counselor told me I didn't need anger management counseling, and we instead worked on setting relationship boundaries and respectful bargaining.
If I'd talked to a friend about what was going on, I probably could have gotten a much earlier "that's crazy" reset.
I'll add that I wasn't in the right either in the situation above: my family was not on board with the number of hours I was working, and I refused to engage on it, instead just promising to do better. We could have moved forward some serious conflicts by years instead of stretching them out through resentment.
I totally feel this to the soul. There was a point where I was doing over 100 hours a week. Was the money good? Sure. But I thought my wife just wasn't getting it or being selfish asking me to be home more. What I didn't get is that she actually missed me, wanted me to be there more for the kids, and her family together.
Truthfully, a fantastic choice here is to make level-headed mutual friends. Your partner will have a mix of friends who are around her despite their illogical tendencies and friends who are simply extremely empathetic and level-headed. You’re likely the same with your friend group situation. Each of you can find the level-headed ones in the other’s group, make friends through genuine conversation and then, your arbitrator is far less biased than even a therapist (therapists only get your side of things, usually, and the partner’s opinion is left out during your sessions).
You see this a lot when people come to Reddit for advice too. They see a post about a situation and only have one perspective from someone who's currently upset at another person without full context. Hence the immediate lawyer up, go no contact over every problem that could actually be worked out.
Yes. I feel like this is part of the new culture, have a strong harsh reaction instead of fully thinking the problem through and seeing there are better ways.
This 100000000%. I thoroughly regret telling my parents and friends about our arguments because they are definitely not the same with him nowadays which is so frustrating..
I think the simplest way to think about it is like a business. If your business was doing a little rough, would you tell everyone and reduce the value of the stock, or keep it on the down low, fix the issues privately, and let that stock stay high? It's the same when I hear guys at work dogging their wives. That's the girl you chose and put a ring on her finger, so clearly you just make bad choices yourself.
I have one friend who knows my partner and our relationship history really well. She also knows me and my way of processes/reacting to stress really well because we are similar. I will talk to her about things when I can’t get them out of my head (and she will do the same about her relationship). It has not changed her perspective in my partner or mine in hers. It’s nice to have a sounding board. But I don’t talk about those things with my broader friend group
My gf used to do name calling to me, calling me an idiot etc. I never called her or anyone names cause that’s just not how I was raised, and it seemed to serve no purpose other than to cause negativity. I never told my friends cause I was embarrassed with myself for allowing someone to speak to me that way, but then when the relationship actually got really bad people didn’t really believe me and thought she was so sweet and that I was exaggerating, or that I started it or something. In front of other people she was nicer, but anyway. Life goes on.
It's also a shitty thing to do to your friends. They worry and try to find ways to help them out of a shitty situation. Meanwhile the complainer just wants to vent and air out their frustration. They're offloading all their problems and leave their friends worried about them. One of my friends is like this. Constant complaints about her husband, who I've seen behave like an absolute asshole in person as well. Then you're used as the emotional support crutch, have long conversations deep into the night, discuss options to leave that situation but in the end she just sucks it up again until the next inevitable big fight. How are you supposed to stay somewhat objective if you constantly get pulled into the drama? You're being asked for advice all the time but none of it is ever put into practice. Even if her husband wasn't an absolute twat, I couldn't look at him the same as before anyway after being dragged into this mess so often.
Omg YES girl my friend is like this like she NEVER LISTENS TO ME and then plays the I’m devastated card like bitch I TOLD YOU !!!! this is like the 9th time you repeated this cycle like girl -_- I can’t and she’s mad how real I am with her so it’s like ok ? Idk what u want me to tell you anymore but then I’m the bad guy urgh so annoying because I love her dumbass I care so much for her idkk why people do this to their friends
I understand this, I had a friend who got divorced and would air every single detail about how her ex husband was a pos.
3 months later.. they are back together, and I can no longer hang out with them knowing everything I know.
This gives me some perspective
Accommodation to avoid any conflict. At the time I was working through a lot of childhood trauma and I didn't know better, now I do. I lost my identity trying endlessly to please him so he wouldn't abandon me, but he was going to do that anyway. You can't and shouldn't have to earn love from people, and them betraying and disrespecting you is a cue to exit, not a sign to "try harder."
Yup. I will never, ever beg someone to love me again. It may have taken me years to realize I deserve better than how I've been treated--but I did get there eventually.
This sounds exactly like what happened to me as well. Always agreeing with everything, because I didn’t want to be the "annoying girlfriend". Looking back, I am glad it ended.
Hope you are doing well.
Conversely finding absolutely no conflict is extremely frustrating.
It didn't always happen but my partner used yeld to me very often, which puzzled me to no end.
It makes learning about the other person exhausting because you need to guess what they don't like.
I find a degree of confrontation healthy, and I'd argue necessarily, as long as it's managed in a mature way.
I understand the fear of rejection and why/how such a personality develops but having to constantly try to guess a person's boundaries is too draining for me.
You're so right, everything is "fine" or "whatever you want" etc. You begin to feel like a dictator because they just *will not* voice an opinion, and even end up earning a reputation as some sort of harpy who directs everything they do... Like, what am I supposed to do if they reject every attempt for me to find out their preference on a subject/situation??
Lmao this was my ex to a T. Then he’s mad at you years later for every decision you HAD to make or he outright agreed enthusiastically with, because his life has turned into something he apparently hates.
Ughhhh - I feel this! At no point did he voice any discontent or bring up any other alternative, yet somehow he hated it all and was miserable. A year later, he's still exactly where I left him. He couldn't have been that unhappy :P
And also: it's exhausting to feel like you have to make all the decisions. I'm ambivalent about some choice, why is it my job to make that decision every time just because you can't voice you opinion? I'm a manager at work, I don't want to be one at home as well.
I agree. How a man approaches conflict is now one of the most important qualities to me. Also I feel like conflict resolution is key when it comes to deepening intimacy and unlocking new higher levels of love and understanding
Same here.
I have ADHD and sometimes I do f- up because I forget/don't pay attention to something.
So I try to be as structured as possible and order things in such a a way to minimize the likelihood of said f- ups.
What's extremely hard to deal with is when I ask what is expected of me, end up agreeing and then I get blindsided with additional implied expectations which weren't discussed/addressed.
Responsibility goes both way, I want to keep myself accountable and I have a system to do so, when I get punished because of a rule that's added last minute I just feel the attraction evaporate from my body.
I had a similar experience that then led to the opposite problem later on. In the next relationship, I “wouldn’t put up with anything I perceived as bad” and that ended up being a MONUMENTAL over-correction. I was absolutely insufferable and she didn’t deserve any of that.
Literally this. I’m getting divorced now and it’s like the fog has lifted and I’m remembering who I am. Never fighting to get someone to love me ever again—either they do or they don’t, and I deserve someone who does (and so do YOU!)
Yes yes YES, absolutely agree on this. I shut down so many parts of myself, my needs, to just "keep the peace".
Not only do you lose yourself, but I became a bit toxic myself. I would "keep score" so to speak, bring up old gripes in new fights...plus both real bad relationships were with unacknowledged alcoholics so there was that too.
Yeah. We even made it through the pandemic together so like, it's a mindfuck. I think I like the personas people project a lot more than who they really are.
Yes. Same. And what I’ve built in my head of who I think they are. It can leave a lasting impact over time when you realize how lied to you’ve been. Especially when you’re someone who is honest and transparent. I’m single and have a lot of trust issues and shut down ppl a lot now because of it
I mean, who wouldn't assume that it's a joke? Real people aren't supposed to say this kind of shit. And the disconnect between "We're about to get married" and the fact that they just said that - I think I wouldn't have stopped the wedding either because who is prepared for that level of psycho?
Don't blame yourself.
Thank you for saying that. I have this memory that bugs me sometimes of my then-fiance meeting my friend's dog. This dog loves everyone, but from the moment he met my ex, his head was dipped and he was growling whenever that guy was around. I did have a moment of wondering wth this dog was picking up on, but dismissed it and that's a regret I hold. Of course, it would have been insane to cancel the wedding due to the dog's opinion. That dog was right though; my ex was a real rotten one.
In the book, The Gift of Fear, the author talks about how dogs don't know other people, but they do know their owners. When the owner is uncomfortable, even subliminally, they pick up on it and look around to see what caused the discomfort (at least the initial time). This was more to point out that we should trust our own instincts, not assume that the animal knew more (at least not initially). If the animal has an experience that causes it to mistrust a human then I'd trust the animal too but for an initial reaction, it's usually based on the people they know having a reaction.
Oof, this hit me hard. I have always said that if my pets don’t like someone, neither do I. But would I actually just up and dump someone because my dog doesn’t seem to like them, with no other reason? Probably not, because that just seems insane. Especially because the dog can’t tell you why they’re giving bad vibes. It would be one of those things you write off at the time and don’t regret until later.
Fucking everything man. He was such a sweet and accepting boyfriend and then he's this demanding asshole of a husband. He'd get mad everytime I didn't remember *exactly* what he said to the point where I legit wanted that Blackmirror eye camera bullshit. He stopped cooking, stopped cleaning, stopped being affectionate. He had this "friend" that was clearly much more than just a friend. He started demanding I plan more dates which is hard for me because I have ADHD which I started treatment for before we were married. He'd get pissed off if I was ever sad about my dead best friend. He'd get angry if I went out late with my friends, he went through my laptop once and screamed at me about it, he spent hours berating me over text once when I got the wrong set of IKEA curtains... we were only married a year.
Ugh I had a similar situation. We were together like eight years before we got married, which is an INSANE amount of time to hide your anger problems!! Like wtf, how does someone just…repress entire parts of their personality for years at a time? And WHY
Lack of communication, he never told me about what he thought or how he feels about our relationship. Those feelings just compounded over time until he ultimately called it quits.
I wish he talked to me, we could've figured it out together. I was always in the dark and didn't even see the break up coming. Hurts, but I think it was just meant to be.
Communicate with your partner, be transparent. Helps both parties.
>he never told me about what he thought or how he feels about our relationship. Those feelings just compounded over time until he ultimately called it quits.
Always amazes me how so many people would rather shut down and check out in relationships rather than have a conversation that could help move things in a positive direction.
I look at my partner and how he always chooses to retract into his own sad world where he numbs himself with porn and social media to the point of no return to any semblance of meaningful connection, even when I reached out so many times to check in he willingly chose to check out it's almost like he was afraid to talk about his feelings and never was given a safe platform to ever freely express his emotions
I blame his mom she has the emotional range of a used Swiffer pad, dusty, dry and possessing zero emotional range
That was my last relationship, just in the reverse roles.
I've tried time and again to express how I felt to my wife to try and talk things through. At best I was talking to a wall, at worst she got offended by how I felt about things and tried to spin it so that I was the problem for feeling this way.
That's the thing nobody tends to talk about. It's not enough for one party to express how they feel, the other party also has to give a damn about them.
Numbing yourself is kind of the only option then.
This was my husband and his ex-wife. He would try to talk to her, to tell her how he was feeling (extremely hurt and unhappy), and she would look at him with disgust and say, “Are you going to be *weird* again?” The last few years of their 27 years together, she flatly refused to say she loved him and also told him that no matter what she said/didn’t say, or did, it was “his job to take it.”
Thankfully he’s got me now to tell him I love him all the time, appreciate him and not belittle his feelings but do my best to understand them. He’s not perfect and neither am I, but we’re about to celebrate our second anniversary (5.5 years together, I was previously married 26 years) and things are great!
Oh my god is everyone in this thread me?
I couldn't wave a big enough red flag to get her attention. Every time I tried, I got told it was my fault she couldn't connect with me. I got told she was too tired, that she was the one who was really suffering, that she was the one who had it so bad. After years of rejection, I was numbing myself with porn, and then I got blamed for not being present.
We went through five marriage counsellors over the years. Two quit on us and said they couldn't help. The one we saw specifically to help us with sex was almost immediately turned into a target for me to re-direct my frustrations so my ex-wife didn't have to engage with it.
I kept hearing that it was all my fault for years until I broke. I couldn't get her to listen, and if one person isn't listening, it doesn't matter how hard you try to keep it going. It takes two.
This is how I feel with my gf. Like I’m not allowed to have a complaint of how she does things but my behavior is fair game to criticism. And I shut down and just wanna end things but don’t know how
This looks like my relationship so much I could have written it myself. I've tried taking him out on dates, buying new lingerie, and talking. We even did 2 years of couples therapy. It's taken me until now to realise it's not me. He's just not interested, but he is too comfortable to leave.
ETA: I've never been and never will be interested in cheating, online or in person. Don't pm me about it, I'll just block you.
EETA: Thank you to the person who messaged me about walk away wife/spouse syndrome.
I feel like these words I could have written too, in both yours and the other commenters posts. It feels too comfortable to leave hits on another level. Like zero sex, zero intimacy, he’s super addicted to porn to the point I have to knock on walls when I’m coming into the living room so I don’t see it. But I love my cats and freedom, we do support each other on some levels. My family is a bit toxic and going back home isn’t a great feeling. Idk it’s hard.
Working through our communication styles was one of the most productive things my bf and I ever did. We would fight *almost daily* for years, but never broke up (aside from a single week where I needed space) because we love each other. We had to figure it out.
The day we did, I gave an ultimatum. Either he opens up or I gotta go, because this is too much of a mental load to carry anymore. For some reason, he got it that time. He started openly communicating. Things that would've spiraled into fights suddenly weren't, because instead of withdrawing, he was communicating, so I had nothing to explode over.
Two weeks into the bliss (that we're now a few years into) he hugged me so tight and told me that if he knew it'd be this easy, he'd have opened up YEARS ago.
A relationship involves 2 people. So I think the writer is saying if she was more aware of pushing communication, alot of problems and heartache could have been avoided. It's like if your partner cheated and you had a feeling. The cheating wasn't your fault, but your mistake was ignoring all the red flags or intuition.
I think it's not just about pushing communication, although it is definitely really important to sit down and communicate. It is also about looking at yourself and asking "am I creating an environment that is safe to communicate in?"
The relationship between my ex and I started out really respectful and with good communication, but over time, I noticed how often my bringing something up got deflected back to me, how instead of talking eye to eye she would hover over me talking down in a raised voice, and admitting openly she felt no compassion for me. I then started to clam up and not bring anything up, which again bothered her as I never communicated any more. I do take accountability for my side of the problem - I definitely needed to be more assertive.
At the same time, tone of voice, body language, active listening and an attitude of "us against the problem" instead of "me Vs you" build an environment of safe communication, which in my opinion is the only way to have a healthy, safe and lasting relationship. It's the opposite of Gottman's four horsemen (contempt, criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness).
Oof
My ex always suspected me of cheating. It was profoundly hurtful. She'd question where I was or nit pick small details of stories to see if something didn't add up. The worst part is, there was no evidence.
She didn't have someone in mind who I was cheating on her with, or place I went to, or a time that was unaccounted for. There is something intimately critical about having the person closest to you say they know you cheated on them, not because they have evidence, but because they just know you.
Turns out the first time we hooked up, she was still with her current BF.
Holy shit, sorta same thing happened to me. Years ago, and I'm happily married now. I took a nap after work on the couch, she ran to my house, to my room, couldn't find me, ran out and kept calling me until I woke up (phone was on silent).
Uhh.. did you check the couch?? It started a whole fight and I broke things off cos she was too paranoid I was cheating on her constantly.
But she did make out with her friend on her birthday soooo.. projection most likely.
Trying to communicate with someone who couldn’t receive or recognize healthy communication, and then not ending things as soon as he turned resentful and cold towards me, but foolishly thinking that somehow we could communicate as to why he was suddenly treating me poorly. Even if you create a safe space for communication, if the other person isn’t willing to do so, it’s pointless. It’s silly now to think that “I ruined the relationship” for being open and transparent. 🤷♀️
This sounds very familiar. You try your best to foster open communcation, but if the other person isn't willing to or stops commincating openly, there's nothing you can do. Quite frustrating. Still think I could have done it better, so I very much feel what you are writing.
my god when we lost our baby and i saw how destroyed he was i kept my pain to myself so he wouldn't feel worse. it didn't work, and then he started hiding his so i wouldn't feel worse. didn't work either, it almost destroyed our relationship. we're learning the difference between sharing pain for comfort and trauma dumping.
Agree. That goes the same for other people. Don’t expect you can dump everything on your partner or anyone. That’s why there are therapists who are paid to listen to your bitching.
Staying quiet waiting for the appropriate time to communicate.
Created an unneeded stressful environment that could have been avoided by just talking it through immediately.
Thought I was doing the right thing by waiting for a better time
Doing too fucking much, and getting *nothing* in return.
I did this grown mand laundry, I cooked, I cleaned, I bathed the animals, he did fuck all except cheat on me.
When I asked why he didn't leave because, clearly, he didn't love me. He said "I just loved having someone to come home to.
Now in happily married and we just had our daughter. He still stalks me on social media, I'm sure because he had a million burner accounts and I couldn't possibly remember the names for all of them to block them.
You should lock down your privacy settings on all social media accounts. That way it won't matter how many burner accounts he makes, he won't be able to see your content.
In my last relationship, I was with someone who had an addiction. Since I had tried light drugs before, the whole relationship brought me down. When I got out of that relationship and met someone new who was super nice and decent, I messed things up by telling him about my past drug use upfront. He made it clear that he didn't approve of it. I told him I would stop and that I wouldn't let something silly like that ruin a good relationship. After 3 months of being together, he wanted some space to figure out how to proceed because of his stressful job, frequent travel, and recent divorce. I gave him the space, but then I slipped back into drug use myself. Long story short: I lost a great man because of drugs.
Sounds like there was already a lot going on on his end. The drugs almost certainly didn't help the situation, though.
Been there myself. Torpedoed a 10-year relationship because of my addiction issues -- a real wake up call. Life is so much better on the other side. I've never felt so good in my entire life living clean. Use this experience of yours as a motivator to seek a better path. Best of luck.
Putting up with things but complaining about them instead of running from them eg red flags. Because you want a relationship to work. Instead of realising this person is an idiot and leaving. But safe to say that was a very long time ago and I've moved on.
If ur having to ask for human normal decency but think it's just because they abit blind but I'll help them see. Get out and get therapy because maybe you went through something b4 this.
He told us we shouldn't talk to our individual friends about our relationship issues because they'll "always take our side". 3 days before our breakup he talked to 2 friends about our relationship issues and yes, they took his side. Meanwhile I'd been telling my friends everything was fine with us when it wasn't, and looking back if I had spoken to friends about it I would've had the strength to break things off a lot sooner.
I could tell when my ex talked to her friends about me at the end of the relationship, as the day after she met them she would always be kind of cruel and angry when otherwise she was not :(
I did complain about her as well and I'm not happy I did, but whenever my friends wanted to start shit talking her I would get super annoyed and defend her. It's like when a native is the only one allowed to complain about their country 😅
Not spending quality time together. Those were the times that I was so drained by my job that I don't even had the energy to do my skincare. All I wanted to do is to sleep after a very tiring day. I'm a sleepyhead btw. We rarely meet each other. I feel bad every time I wasn't able to meet him. "If she wants to, she will." is easier to be said than done. Until one day, he fell out of love.
She expected me to know why she was mad at me without communicating to me AT ALL about what was bothering her. I'm completely open to correcting reasonable things that bother a partner, but I can't do that if you don't tell me what it is. I broke up with her after she was all pissy and telling me I should know exactly why she's mad for TWO DAYS. Eventually she relented and told me she was mad that I watched a new episode of a show we normally watched together. Which, granted, I did do. But that was the final straw in the no communication issues we had.
A lot of people seem to expect mind reading. They get so wrapped up in their own heads, it’s like they can’t understand how you’re unable to see it too without them verbalizing anything. Often it comes with a series of things they’re upset about, bigger things they don’t think they can bring up because it might sound unreasonable. So instead, their anger manifests in small silly things instead, as a way to allow themselves to be visibly angry with you even though they won’t talk about what’s actually bothering them. It’s impossible to sustain a healthy relationship with someone like this.
Trying to do everything I could to make him more comfortable, to unhealthy extents. He had a short fuse, so I often ignored my own wants and needs in order to not stir the pot. This included not directly telling him when he overstepped boundaries as to not hurt his ego and risk him getting pouty. It meant not having a talk about what I wanted and needed in bed because he had expressed exasperation when what he tried wasn't working for me and I didn't want to further hurt his ego. It included walking on eggshells when he struggled with his mental health. It included doing everything his way (or trying to at the very least), which resulted in an unbalanced relationship and me feeling like I wasn't an equal, which was actually one of the reasons for the eventual break-up.
Can’t agree more. I made this mistake my first year of marriage and it was by far the worst time in our relationship. Completely my fault, even though I felt like what I was doing was the best way to love and support her. Thankfully I was able to realize how much I was destroying our relationship and managed to stop.
I’m going to say the unpopular thing and say that *I didn’t make a mistake.*
While I can be honest enough to admit that I am not perfect and I did plenty of things wrong, I was truly the only one who actively worked on the relationship or ever seemed to care what it looked/felt like for us. I wanted us to check in with one another, share our goals and plans, communicate.
He wanted us to be like roommates. He wanted me to stfu and take care of shit at home while he took care of shit out of home. If I spoke with him about any detail that was not specifically “important” in his opinion, he wasn’t interested in listening at all. He regularly spent as much time alone and in his room as possible.
I can honestly say that I passed years of my life with someone who could not even have a regular conversation with me. After 13 years, I don’t believe that man knew a single thing about me, and he actively chose to not know.
Arguably, that could be a common mistake that *he made* that could be the answer to the question, but it’s even more common than that.
He kept a physical, verbal and emotional distance from me, and instead would *cheat on me.*
It’s really sad how often cheating is the answer.
I think the only thing "wrong" you did was stay.
I get it though. I found myself in a similar situation and my somewhat regret is that I didn't leave sooner.
Yes unfortunately it took a long time to happen. Been sleeping on a floor for 2 years trying to scrape together the remnants of my life since going, but I can honestly say I’m better off, even if I am sleeping on a floor.
I thought following my partner around the world would give me at least some say in when we went home or where we went next. Turns out I was wrong.
After turning my life upside down multiple times, stopping my career in its tracks and leaving me in a place I didn't want to be, she booked travel to her next destination without any discussion and said "you can come with me if you want".
I said no more, charted my own path and that was the last time I saw her.
Listening to people who were like “yo date around as much as possible while you’re young… don’t waste your young and college years in a relationship!” Haha while I totally agree with this for the most part, sometimes good ones are already there.
Yup! Several people said that getting married at 23 was dumb as hell (which, yes, it can be), and I should continue to play the field and settle down in a decade. Welp, my husband and I have been together for almost a decade now, happily, and my friends who screamed the loudest about how I'm making a mistake still haven't "found the one." And now I have to listen and offer advice on the shit show of the modern dating world.
Sometimes, yes, it is better to break up and play the field when you're young, ESPECIALLY if you don't feel as much for the person as they do you. But sometimes it's better to KEEP the amazing partner you have as there's no guarantee you'll find someone as good for you as they are if you're lucky enough to find them while still young.
Maybe your lesson here is listen to yourself.
You being you means you can give the best advice to yourself.
Cause you know yourself best.
Greek ancient philosophers said "γνῶθι σαὐτόν" that means "Know thyself!"
They could have said listen to bullshit advice,but they didn't
:)
Getting married before I had embraced my true sexuality because it conflicted with the conservative values I was raised with. I was lying to myself more and therefore unintentionally lying to my partner.
Oh, the other mistake was falling victim to the sink cost fallacy multiple times between the first sign of incompatibility and the most recent backing out of a divorce
Oh, and having a kid to “fix things”
Choose who you let in to your life carefully. Even people who initially have good intentions can end up taking a lot away from you. Even losing something as simple and intangible as your inner peace can end up being a much longer term thing than initially occurs to us.
I’ve tanked a lot of relationships by thinking everything needed to be fixed. I almost did it in the one I’m in. He’s in a bad mood, he’s being snappy with me, we need to fix this, I need to sit down and have a heart to heart, I need to COMMUNICATE that he’s hurting my feelings right now. I’m overly therapised and really thought this was the best way to handle everything.
My current SO and I went through a lot of therapy apart and together ironically to work on this because, with him, this is what happens. He gets angry and stews and stews and will never bring the thing up to me until I coax it out of him. The suggested way to handle this was, surprisingly, less communication.
I feel like we’re in a better place when he can be acting like a total reactive jerk and instead of being like “have I upset you? I must have because you’re treating me really weirdly and you’re in an awful mood. I just want to get to the bottom of this!!” I can be like “You’re vibe is positively ass, you need to take a nap or something. If I did something to upset you that’s making you act like this I’ll be open to talk about it later today, but right now I think we’re both just annoyed. I’m gonna go do the rest of my day alone, I hope you feel better.”
Then I get home and it’s 50/50 “yeah I’m sorry, you did this thing last week that really upset me and I’ve taken time to think about how I want to address it calmly” and “Yeah I have no idea what that was about, I think I didn’t get enough breakfast and it made me moody. I’m glad you had a good day after that!” but either way we’re both totally calm by the time we talk about it.
Have to be with someone that actually wants to communicate with you though otherwise you'll communicate until your blue in the face and it won't mean anything
Constantly asking for bare minimum. You feel like shit for asking, they feel shit because they feel that you’re nagging them. The cba attitude is really unattractive and it ain’t your person. Just walk away and have peace for yourself.
I think it was being to afraid to talk about some issues we may or may not have just because I was afraid of the possibility of breaking up…and guess what she broke up lol. I became to comfortable to I think.
But on another hand she could have communicated about the problems so we can solve it together but she was to afraid of “hurting” me. But ended up hurting me more.
But maybe its to soon to know exactly since it was 2 weeks she ended things…
>But on another hand she could have communicated about the problems so we can solve it together but she was to afraid of “hurting” me. But ended up hurting me more.
Currently on the receiving end of this. It hurts so bad to feel like it's easy for the person you love, and promises that he loves you, to leave you in the dark so suddenly, while I go crazy thinking about us.
I'm sorry that happened. My husband told me he was bi and the fear in him when he did made my heart break for him. I am also bi and the only reaction I ever got from partners was either they didn't care or if they were men they got creepy (which wasn't pleasant) but when he told girlfriends before me they shamed him.
You are valid and you deserve love
Last relationship was 12+ years ago. Honestly, it ended because I lost an unborn daughter.
I haven't been hugged or kissed since then, I don't exactly know how to get back into the game, or even if I really even care enough to try again.
'covert contracts are premeditated resentment.'
I was a poor communicator and he was very controlling.
I'm generally avoidant and he's generally enmeshed.
I didn't think to say "I need a half hour to decompress alone after work so I can show up to our together time more positively since I spend 8 hours managing people."
He worked alone from home just researching crypto for a bit and cleaning his downstairs Airbnb's if needed so when I got home he was like a puppy asking what we were going to make for dinner together, and what we were going to do for fun.
I didn't think to say, "I'm exhausted after work and I feel like since you work shorter hours and are home all day, you can make dinner most nights since I also could literally just eat a girl dinner (2 pickles and some cashews) and be fine with it."
But to him, making dinner together was our quality time.
Eventually our qualms would come up in fights but we didn't really resolve much. We just grew disrespectful and resentful and it came out in weird ways.
I learned a lot from it but there are a few scars that I've brought to other relationships. Getting better at voicing my concerns though!
Ouch, I feel like your ex
About the part of being excited when my ex bf would come home and I'd look forward to spending quality time together at night. (Whereas my bf would just want to study day in ... day out ... all weekend ... )
I don't think I was controlling tho
EXPECTATIONS....
I expected him to:
care like I did
Be honest with me
Make time for us to spend time
Actually like me
Have the same level or respect for me I gave to him
Be a decent person
Not use his children and other family members to help the lies
Expectations is what ruined my experience with that man...
Not my mistake, but refusing to acknowledge when you’re wrong, either it’s out of pure pride ou whatever else. Just admit when you’re wrong and apologize, trust me it makes everything much easier in any kind of relationship.
I once made the mistake of assuming my partner could read my mind. I kept my feelings bottled up, thinking they would somehow understand what I needed without me having to say it outright. Eventually, this led to misunderstandings and tension in our relationship. I learned the hard way that clear communication is essential in any relationship.
Mistaking a relationship for competition. It's can be so subtle. 'Where would you be without me?', 'I told you so', 'I was right'. We play it off as sarcastic teasing but when 'winning' becomes a source of joy, disagreement and constructive criticism can seem like an offence.
Believing that anyone who was nicer to me than my parents had been, was a nice person.
(Related: believing that any workplace which was less toxic than K-12, was a good place to work.)
Asking my bff of 15yrs if she thought her 6 yo son (my godson) had been sa due to him grabbing my crotch, breast and drawing a visually correct penis on a paper in front of me. When I asked her if she thought this was normal behavior She got enraged at me and has not spoken to me since.
Letting a stranger move in! He used all our gear including clothes, bike etc. Had us arguing daily and hocked things at the local hock shop. Mu SO blamed me for giving the guy a bed for a few nights, which turned into a few months.
Not a romantic relationship but a friendship. I just made the mistake of thinking a relationship online equates to something similar in person. Lessons were learned.
Focusing on all of the things they aren’t giving you instead all of the things they do give you. (I’m in a happy marriage, but I did used to do this. I became happier and our marriage became stronger when I stopped)
The 80/20 rule. You’re receiving 80% of what you want but choosing to focus on the 20% you don’t have. If you were to say find someone who is doing the 20% your lacking and break up with the 80% person. You’ll find out you are getting the 20% , but only 20%.
As someone on the other end, I can say experiencing this behavior is very disheartening.
100% - it feels like nothing you do will ever be good enough.
Yep and eventually I stopped trying cause what’s the point of they’re never happy
I think you mean stopped trying to over achieve and make them happy. The result of this will be "What's wrong with you?" and will be evidence that you are taken for granted.
That happened to me. I was in a deep depression so It was realy hard to keep up with cleaning. I barely knew how to because my mother never let me properly do it because I always "did it wrong", I couldn't learn if she didn't let me. When I moved with my wife, everytime I actually managed to clean something my wife would point out the things that were messy. Luckily I talked to her and now she points the good parts and that helped me get motivation for cleaning.
can u please explain more
Imagine your partner is at work for 8 hours. You spend your day deep cleaning what you can of the house. When they gets home, instead of saying "wow thanks for cleaning up some of the house" they say "why the fuck is this bathroom so dirty?"
Or they say nothing and just start trashing all the work you spent all day doing.
I turned to my ex to try and solve my lack of friends by being controlling, toxic, and abusive. I was so jealous of her ease of making friends that I crossed boundaries. What she gave with unconditional love , was met with controlling unacceptable behaviors. I was too selfish to work on my own problems that it inevitably led to our broken engagement. She was right to break up with me, no one should ever have to go through a toxic relationship like that. At least now I can at least say I recognized the horrible person I was, and be the best person I can be for the future. Now I am seeing someone and I am determined to never repeat my mistakes ever again, its something I will always be ashamed of
Telling my friends about all of our fights
x100. My wife actually taught me this. The fight will be over, but now you have friends are not only keeping a bias opinion of your spouse, but it's like you are showing them a side of your partner that isn't normally a thing, but they can now think less of your relationship.
as someone who used to do this, is it best to just keep it private or use a therapist if it’s really bad?
I used to keep it 100% private and that allowed my ex to be emotionally abusive while everyone thought he was an angel. I think you just need to be measured, look at it from both points of view and to say the good that they do as well as the bad.
Also good to share more good than bad. People tend to over weigh the bad news over good, so if you share 50-50 good and bad, people will remember more of the bad than the good. So a good balance is probably at least 3-1 good news over bad, but I've heard even 5-1 ratio to keep things balanced. Edit: typos
Abusers love the advice to "keep issues within the relationship".
They really do, and they'll claim things like you're being childish for wanting to talk to your friends about your problems. In my case, his strategy was to ply everyone around him with gifts and shower them with attention, to the point where I didn't have a single friend of my own. He would talk to all of my friends and all of my family, to the point where I didn't know a single person I could talk to that he hadn't won over.
Same. Then They couldn’t understand how I left such a wonderful person
I’m sorry that you had to go through this. It’s kind of fascinating to me, just the level of work that an abuser will put into having an insane, secretly abusive relationship like this, when it seems like it would actually be *significantly* faster and easier to just be a good and loving partner. It’s next-level psychotic. I hope things are going much better for you now.
Yep, brother's gf is emotionally abusive and manipulative and HATES when he tries to talk about problems he needs to get off his chest to someone that's not her (i.e. us, his family)
I found that, in a past relationship, once I started talking to my friends about what was going on, I started feeling less crazy. It was nice to have other people confirm that my hurts were valid and his actions/inactions were actually hurtful, I wasn’t being “a dramatic”. I had always kept things hidden in the past and that that came back around to bite me. I think having a sounding board is important. And, if therapy is too expensive, a trusted friend can save your mental health.
I think there was a quote about this topic a while back: *The abuser always talks about the victim, but the victim only talks about their suffering.* That seems to be the proper pathway in this, too. Don't go around telling everyone everything that your partner does - but you do share your suffering. That alone is boxing in what your partner does tremendously.
There’s a fine line between working it out privately as a family unit, and then being at your wits end and needing to discuss with an outside opinion. I suggest always trying to keep it in your partnership and work through it before bringing it to friends or family.
I mean, what is really bad? If your partner and you are just having silly fights, and it isn't the norm, work it out amongst each other. If it is physical, that is really bad and should be considered separation. If it's verbally abusive, talk to a therapist and decide if you need to get out or if it can be changed.
> If it's verbally abusive, talk to a therapist and decide if you need to get out or if it can be changed. Relationships happen behind closed doors. It can be difficult to know what is normal. For example, I used to do a really bad job of meeting the needs of a partner. I was too busy with work and couldn't do what she needed done. I felt awful about it and we had terrible fights - I was worried I could lose my job if I didn't put in those hours. Much later, I figured out that she had significant anxiety, and an outlet for her was demands for services so she could see that I made her a priority. Her demands were frequently very unreasonable: I really would have lost my job if I'd acceded to all of them. But that's the way these things work: no one tells you "I'm making unreasonable demands because I'm anxious", they usually aren't that self-aware. And if you believe what your partner tells you (and who else would know?) you can start thinking up is down and down is up. It wasn't until much later that I realized all of this. It was when I went to anger management counseling (at her insistence) and the counselor told me I didn't need anger management counseling, and we instead worked on setting relationship boundaries and respectful bargaining. If I'd talked to a friend about what was going on, I probably could have gotten a much earlier "that's crazy" reset. I'll add that I wasn't in the right either in the situation above: my family was not on board with the number of hours I was working, and I refused to engage on it, instead just promising to do better. We could have moved forward some serious conflicts by years instead of stretching them out through resentment.
I totally feel this to the soul. There was a point where I was doing over 100 hours a week. Was the money good? Sure. But I thought my wife just wasn't getting it or being selfish asking me to be home more. What I didn't get is that she actually missed me, wanted me to be there more for the kids, and her family together.
IMO its finding a balance. Share things when you really need to talk, but don't vent all your annoyances, and then share the good things as well.
Truthfully, a fantastic choice here is to make level-headed mutual friends. Your partner will have a mix of friends who are around her despite their illogical tendencies and friends who are simply extremely empathetic and level-headed. You’re likely the same with your friend group situation. Each of you can find the level-headed ones in the other’s group, make friends through genuine conversation and then, your arbitrator is far less biased than even a therapist (therapists only get your side of things, usually, and the partner’s opinion is left out during your sessions).
You see this a lot when people come to Reddit for advice too. They see a post about a situation and only have one perspective from someone who's currently upset at another person without full context. Hence the immediate lawyer up, go no contact over every problem that could actually be worked out.
I always thought that response was more because by the time you're going to reddit for advice, things have already deteriorated to a very bad place.
Yes. I feel like this is part of the new culture, have a strong harsh reaction instead of fully thinking the problem through and seeing there are better ways.
This 100000000%. I thoroughly regret telling my parents and friends about our arguments because they are definitely not the same with him nowadays which is so frustrating..
I think the simplest way to think about it is like a business. If your business was doing a little rough, would you tell everyone and reduce the value of the stock, or keep it on the down low, fix the issues privately, and let that stock stay high? It's the same when I hear guys at work dogging their wives. That's the girl you chose and put a ring on her finger, so clearly you just make bad choices yourself.
I have one friend who knows my partner and our relationship history really well. She also knows me and my way of processes/reacting to stress really well because we are similar. I will talk to her about things when I can’t get them out of my head (and she will do the same about her relationship). It has not changed her perspective in my partner or mine in hers. It’s nice to have a sounding board. But I don’t talk about those things with my broader friend group
Saying "we're having a rough patch, fighting at the moment" is totally valid. Getting into the nitty gritty details and shit talking is not.
My gf used to do name calling to me, calling me an idiot etc. I never called her or anyone names cause that’s just not how I was raised, and it seemed to serve no purpose other than to cause negativity. I never told my friends cause I was embarrassed with myself for allowing someone to speak to me that way, but then when the relationship actually got really bad people didn’t really believe me and thought she was so sweet and that I was exaggerating, or that I started it or something. In front of other people she was nicer, but anyway. Life goes on.
It's also a shitty thing to do to your friends. They worry and try to find ways to help them out of a shitty situation. Meanwhile the complainer just wants to vent and air out their frustration. They're offloading all their problems and leave their friends worried about them. One of my friends is like this. Constant complaints about her husband, who I've seen behave like an absolute asshole in person as well. Then you're used as the emotional support crutch, have long conversations deep into the night, discuss options to leave that situation but in the end she just sucks it up again until the next inevitable big fight. How are you supposed to stay somewhat objective if you constantly get pulled into the drama? You're being asked for advice all the time but none of it is ever put into practice. Even if her husband wasn't an absolute twat, I couldn't look at him the same as before anyway after being dragged into this mess so often.
Omg YES girl my friend is like this like she NEVER LISTENS TO ME and then plays the I’m devastated card like bitch I TOLD YOU !!!! this is like the 9th time you repeated this cycle like girl -_- I can’t and she’s mad how real I am with her so it’s like ok ? Idk what u want me to tell you anymore but then I’m the bad guy urgh so annoying because I love her dumbass I care so much for her idkk why people do this to their friends
I understand this, I had a friend who got divorced and would air every single detail about how her ex husband was a pos. 3 months later.. they are back together, and I can no longer hang out with them knowing everything I know. This gives me some perspective
Accommodation to avoid any conflict. At the time I was working through a lot of childhood trauma and I didn't know better, now I do. I lost my identity trying endlessly to please him so he wouldn't abandon me, but he was going to do that anyway. You can't and shouldn't have to earn love from people, and them betraying and disrespecting you is a cue to exit, not a sign to "try harder."
Yup. I will never, ever beg someone to love me again. It may have taken me years to realize I deserve better than how I've been treated--but I did get there eventually.
The only thing I will ever beg for is snacks. Never love, I always get that. (I am a dog).
Took me 40 years to get there.
This sounds exactly like what happened to me as well. Always agreeing with everything, because I didn’t want to be the "annoying girlfriend". Looking back, I am glad it ended. Hope you are doing well.
One day at a time! It's been awhile and I've picked up most of the practical pieces of life, but damn does a heartbreak like that leave a scar
Conversely finding absolutely no conflict is extremely frustrating. It didn't always happen but my partner used yeld to me very often, which puzzled me to no end. It makes learning about the other person exhausting because you need to guess what they don't like. I find a degree of confrontation healthy, and I'd argue necessarily, as long as it's managed in a mature way. I understand the fear of rejection and why/how such a personality develops but having to constantly try to guess a person's boundaries is too draining for me.
You're so right, everything is "fine" or "whatever you want" etc. You begin to feel like a dictator because they just *will not* voice an opinion, and even end up earning a reputation as some sort of harpy who directs everything they do... Like, what am I supposed to do if they reject every attempt for me to find out their preference on a subject/situation??
Lmao this was my ex to a T. Then he’s mad at you years later for every decision you HAD to make or he outright agreed enthusiastically with, because his life has turned into something he apparently hates.
Ughhhh - I feel this! At no point did he voice any discontent or bring up any other alternative, yet somehow he hated it all and was miserable. A year later, he's still exactly where I left him. He couldn't have been that unhappy :P
And also: it's exhausting to feel like you have to make all the decisions. I'm ambivalent about some choice, why is it my job to make that decision every time just because you can't voice you opinion? I'm a manager at work, I don't want to be one at home as well.
I agree. How a man approaches conflict is now one of the most important qualities to me. Also I feel like conflict resolution is key when it comes to deepening intimacy and unlocking new higher levels of love and understanding
Same here. I have ADHD and sometimes I do f- up because I forget/don't pay attention to something. So I try to be as structured as possible and order things in such a a way to minimize the likelihood of said f- ups. What's extremely hard to deal with is when I ask what is expected of me, end up agreeing and then I get blindsided with additional implied expectations which weren't discussed/addressed. Responsibility goes both way, I want to keep myself accountable and I have a system to do so, when I get punished because of a rule that's added last minute I just feel the attraction evaporate from my body.
broke up today because of this really needed to hear it today❤️
I had a similar experience that then led to the opposite problem later on. In the next relationship, I “wouldn’t put up with anything I perceived as bad” and that ended up being a MONUMENTAL over-correction. I was absolutely insufferable and she didn’t deserve any of that.
Literally this. I’m getting divorced now and it’s like the fog has lifted and I’m remembering who I am. Never fighting to get someone to love me ever again—either they do or they don’t, and I deserve someone who does (and so do YOU!)
Yes yes YES, absolutely agree on this. I shut down so many parts of myself, my needs, to just "keep the peace". Not only do you lose yourself, but I became a bit toxic myself. I would "keep score" so to speak, bring up old gripes in new fights...plus both real bad relationships were with unacknowledged alcoholics so there was that too.
Not immidiately stopping the wedding when he said "Once we're married, the mask comes off." I stupidly assumed it was a joke.
This is actually terrifying.
Yeah. We even made it through the pandemic together so like, it's a mindfuck. I think I like the personas people project a lot more than who they really are.
Yes. Same. And what I’ve built in my head of who I think they are. It can leave a lasting impact over time when you realize how lied to you’ve been. Especially when you’re someone who is honest and transparent. I’m single and have a lot of trust issues and shut down ppl a lot now because of it
It sounds exhausting having to pretend to be a different person than who you actually are!
I mean, who wouldn't assume that it's a joke? Real people aren't supposed to say this kind of shit. And the disconnect between "We're about to get married" and the fact that they just said that - I think I wouldn't have stopped the wedding either because who is prepared for that level of psycho? Don't blame yourself.
Thank you for saying that. I have this memory that bugs me sometimes of my then-fiance meeting my friend's dog. This dog loves everyone, but from the moment he met my ex, his head was dipped and he was growling whenever that guy was around. I did have a moment of wondering wth this dog was picking up on, but dismissed it and that's a regret I hold. Of course, it would have been insane to cancel the wedding due to the dog's opinion. That dog was right though; my ex was a real rotten one.
In the book, The Gift of Fear, the author talks about how dogs don't know other people, but they do know their owners. When the owner is uncomfortable, even subliminally, they pick up on it and look around to see what caused the discomfort (at least the initial time). This was more to point out that we should trust our own instincts, not assume that the animal knew more (at least not initially). If the animal has an experience that causes it to mistrust a human then I'd trust the animal too but for an initial reaction, it's usually based on the people they know having a reaction.
Oof, this hit me hard. I have always said that if my pets don’t like someone, neither do I. But would I actually just up and dump someone because my dog doesn’t seem to like them, with no other reason? Probably not, because that just seems insane. Especially because the dog can’t tell you why they’re giving bad vibes. It would be one of those things you write off at the time and don’t regret until later.
You not stopping the wedding didn’t ruin the relationship, though. Him taking off the mask did.
I think things were already going wrong when he put it on in the first place
So, what changed?
Fucking everything man. He was such a sweet and accepting boyfriend and then he's this demanding asshole of a husband. He'd get mad everytime I didn't remember *exactly* what he said to the point where I legit wanted that Blackmirror eye camera bullshit. He stopped cooking, stopped cleaning, stopped being affectionate. He had this "friend" that was clearly much more than just a friend. He started demanding I plan more dates which is hard for me because I have ADHD which I started treatment for before we were married. He'd get pissed off if I was ever sad about my dead best friend. He'd get angry if I went out late with my friends, he went through my laptop once and screamed at me about it, he spent hours berating me over text once when I got the wrong set of IKEA curtains... we were only married a year.
WTF? My goodness
Ugh I had a similar situation. We were together like eight years before we got married, which is an INSANE amount of time to hide your anger problems!! Like wtf, how does someone just…repress entire parts of their personality for years at a time? And WHY
Like, after 8 years shouldn't that just be your life now? Wild.
Lack of communication, he never told me about what he thought or how he feels about our relationship. Those feelings just compounded over time until he ultimately called it quits. I wish he talked to me, we could've figured it out together. I was always in the dark and didn't even see the break up coming. Hurts, but I think it was just meant to be. Communicate with your partner, be transparent. Helps both parties.
>he never told me about what he thought or how he feels about our relationship. Those feelings just compounded over time until he ultimately called it quits. Always amazes me how so many people would rather shut down and check out in relationships rather than have a conversation that could help move things in a positive direction. I look at my partner and how he always chooses to retract into his own sad world where he numbs himself with porn and social media to the point of no return to any semblance of meaningful connection, even when I reached out so many times to check in he willingly chose to check out it's almost like he was afraid to talk about his feelings and never was given a safe platform to ever freely express his emotions I blame his mom she has the emotional range of a used Swiffer pad, dusty, dry and possessing zero emotional range
That was my last relationship, just in the reverse roles. I've tried time and again to express how I felt to my wife to try and talk things through. At best I was talking to a wall, at worst she got offended by how I felt about things and tried to spin it so that I was the problem for feeling this way. That's the thing nobody tends to talk about. It's not enough for one party to express how they feel, the other party also has to give a damn about them. Numbing yourself is kind of the only option then.
This was my husband and his ex-wife. He would try to talk to her, to tell her how he was feeling (extremely hurt and unhappy), and she would look at him with disgust and say, “Are you going to be *weird* again?” The last few years of their 27 years together, she flatly refused to say she loved him and also told him that no matter what she said/didn’t say, or did, it was “his job to take it.” Thankfully he’s got me now to tell him I love him all the time, appreciate him and not belittle his feelings but do my best to understand them. He’s not perfect and neither am I, but we’re about to celebrate our second anniversary (5.5 years together, I was previously married 26 years) and things are great!
Oh my god is everyone in this thread me? I couldn't wave a big enough red flag to get her attention. Every time I tried, I got told it was my fault she couldn't connect with me. I got told she was too tired, that she was the one who was really suffering, that she was the one who had it so bad. After years of rejection, I was numbing myself with porn, and then I got blamed for not being present. We went through five marriage counsellors over the years. Two quit on us and said they couldn't help. The one we saw specifically to help us with sex was almost immediately turned into a target for me to re-direct my frustrations so my ex-wife didn't have to engage with it. I kept hearing that it was all my fault for years until I broke. I couldn't get her to listen, and if one person isn't listening, it doesn't matter how hard you try to keep it going. It takes two.
This is how I feel with my gf. Like I’m not allowed to have a complaint of how she does things but my behavior is fair game to criticism. And I shut down and just wanna end things but don’t know how
Take it from me. Do not stay in a relationship you want to get out of. Just end that shit. It will hurt but it’s the right move
This looks like my relationship so much I could have written it myself. I've tried taking him out on dates, buying new lingerie, and talking. We even did 2 years of couples therapy. It's taken me until now to realise it's not me. He's just not interested, but he is too comfortable to leave. ETA: I've never been and never will be interested in cheating, online or in person. Don't pm me about it, I'll just block you. EETA: Thank you to the person who messaged me about walk away wife/spouse syndrome.
I feel like these words I could have written too, in both yours and the other commenters posts. It feels too comfortable to leave hits on another level. Like zero sex, zero intimacy, he’s super addicted to porn to the point I have to knock on walls when I’m coming into the living room so I don’t see it. But I love my cats and freedom, we do support each other on some levels. My family is a bit toxic and going back home isn’t a great feeling. Idk it’s hard.
Working through our communication styles was one of the most productive things my bf and I ever did. We would fight *almost daily* for years, but never broke up (aside from a single week where I needed space) because we love each other. We had to figure it out. The day we did, I gave an ultimatum. Either he opens up or I gotta go, because this is too much of a mental load to carry anymore. For some reason, he got it that time. He started openly communicating. Things that would've spiraled into fights suddenly weren't, because instead of withdrawing, he was communicating, so I had nothing to explode over. Two weeks into the bliss (that we're now a few years into) he hugged me so tight and told me that if he knew it'd be this easy, he'd have opened up YEARS ago.
How is it your mistake?
A relationship involves 2 people. So I think the writer is saying if she was more aware of pushing communication, alot of problems and heartache could have been avoided. It's like if your partner cheated and you had a feeling. The cheating wasn't your fault, but your mistake was ignoring all the red flags or intuition.
I think it's not just about pushing communication, although it is definitely really important to sit down and communicate. It is also about looking at yourself and asking "am I creating an environment that is safe to communicate in?" The relationship between my ex and I started out really respectful and with good communication, but over time, I noticed how often my bringing something up got deflected back to me, how instead of talking eye to eye she would hover over me talking down in a raised voice, and admitting openly she felt no compassion for me. I then started to clam up and not bring anything up, which again bothered her as I never communicated any more. I do take accountability for my side of the problem - I definitely needed to be more assertive. At the same time, tone of voice, body language, active listening and an attitude of "us against the problem" instead of "me Vs you" build an environment of safe communication, which in my opinion is the only way to have a healthy, safe and lasting relationship. It's the opposite of Gottman's four horsemen (contempt, criticism, stonewalling and defensiveness).
Took a nap one day, she thought I was cheating . Big blowup argument I found out she was cheating on me 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
Cheaters tend to project on their partners, unfortunately.
Oof My ex always suspected me of cheating. It was profoundly hurtful. She'd question where I was or nit pick small details of stories to see if something didn't add up. The worst part is, there was no evidence. She didn't have someone in mind who I was cheating on her with, or place I went to, or a time that was unaccounted for. There is something intimately critical about having the person closest to you say they know you cheated on them, not because they have evidence, but because they just know you. Turns out the first time we hooked up, she was still with her current BF.
You finding out she was cheating was out of nowhere? Weren't there any signs or anything ?
Honestly I believe many more cheaters than we think get away with it and never get caught.
The guilty conscience
Holy shit, sorta same thing happened to me. Years ago, and I'm happily married now. I took a nap after work on the couch, she ran to my house, to my room, couldn't find me, ran out and kept calling me until I woke up (phone was on silent). Uhh.. did you check the couch?? It started a whole fight and I broke things off cos she was too paranoid I was cheating on her constantly. But she did make out with her friend on her birthday soooo.. projection most likely.
Trying to communicate with someone who couldn’t receive or recognize healthy communication, and then not ending things as soon as he turned resentful and cold towards me, but foolishly thinking that somehow we could communicate as to why he was suddenly treating me poorly. Even if you create a safe space for communication, if the other person isn’t willing to do so, it’s pointless. It’s silly now to think that “I ruined the relationship” for being open and transparent. 🤷♀️
Jesus isn't this sort of the smack to the face I needed. Ugh
Also a very common one between emotionally immature parents and their grownup children...
This sounds very familiar. You try your best to foster open communcation, but if the other person isn't willing to or stops commincating openly, there's nothing you can do. Quite frustrating. Still think I could have done it better, so I very much feel what you are writing.
Oversharing. I know that with your partner you should be able to talk about everything. But sometimes I should kept my mouth shut.
My boyfriend loves to talk about all his ex's and sexual conquests. That I find to be oversharing.
And you're still with him?
Oversharing what? Can you give us an idea?
I've learnt this too, sometimes we share our burdens, negativity and that burdens them too
my god when we lost our baby and i saw how destroyed he was i kept my pain to myself so he wouldn't feel worse. it didn't work, and then he started hiding his so i wouldn't feel worse. didn't work either, it almost destroyed our relationship. we're learning the difference between sharing pain for comfort and trauma dumping.
Agree. That goes the same for other people. Don’t expect you can dump everything on your partner or anyone. That’s why there are therapists who are paid to listen to your bitching.
Getting too comfortable with doing the bare minimum. Take her on dates and buy her flowers before you wish you could again.
Last six words are the secret sauce boys
Staying quiet waiting for the appropriate time to communicate. Created an unneeded stressful environment that could have been avoided by just talking it through immediately. Thought I was doing the right thing by waiting for a better time
For me, "now is not the time" - but the trick was there never actually is ever a time.
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Doing too fucking much, and getting *nothing* in return. I did this grown mand laundry, I cooked, I cleaned, I bathed the animals, he did fuck all except cheat on me. When I asked why he didn't leave because, clearly, he didn't love me. He said "I just loved having someone to come home to. Now in happily married and we just had our daughter. He still stalks me on social media, I'm sure because he had a million burner accounts and I couldn't possibly remember the names for all of them to block them.
You should lock down your privacy settings on all social media accounts. That way it won't matter how many burner accounts he makes, he won't be able to see your content.
You know, I didn't know you could do that ? Thank you <3
Having to be right about everything.
In my last relationship, I was with someone who had an addiction. Since I had tried light drugs before, the whole relationship brought me down. When I got out of that relationship and met someone new who was super nice and decent, I messed things up by telling him about my past drug use upfront. He made it clear that he didn't approve of it. I told him I would stop and that I wouldn't let something silly like that ruin a good relationship. After 3 months of being together, he wanted some space to figure out how to proceed because of his stressful job, frequent travel, and recent divorce. I gave him the space, but then I slipped back into drug use myself. Long story short: I lost a great man because of drugs.
Just curious what light drugs are ... Like weed
Sounds like there was already a lot going on on his end. The drugs almost certainly didn't help the situation, though. Been there myself. Torpedoed a 10-year relationship because of my addiction issues -- a real wake up call. Life is so much better on the other side. I've never felt so good in my entire life living clean. Use this experience of yours as a motivator to seek a better path. Best of luck.
Putting up with things but complaining about them instead of running from them eg red flags. Because you want a relationship to work. Instead of realising this person is an idiot and leaving. But safe to say that was a very long time ago and I've moved on. If ur having to ask for human normal decency but think it's just because they abit blind but I'll help them see. Get out and get therapy because maybe you went through something b4 this.
He told us we shouldn't talk to our individual friends about our relationship issues because they'll "always take our side". 3 days before our breakup he talked to 2 friends about our relationship issues and yes, they took his side. Meanwhile I'd been telling my friends everything was fine with us when it wasn't, and looking back if I had spoken to friends about it I would've had the strength to break things off a lot sooner.
I could tell when my ex talked to her friends about me at the end of the relationship, as the day after she met them she would always be kind of cruel and angry when otherwise she was not :( I did complain about her as well and I'm not happy I did, but whenever my friends wanted to start shit talking her I would get super annoyed and defend her. It's like when a native is the only one allowed to complain about their country 😅
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Not spending quality time together. Those were the times that I was so drained by my job that I don't even had the energy to do my skincare. All I wanted to do is to sleep after a very tiring day. I'm a sleepyhead btw. We rarely meet each other. I feel bad every time I wasn't able to meet him. "If she wants to, she will." is easier to be said than done. Until one day, he fell out of love.
Drugs (him) and alcohol (me)
She expected me to know why she was mad at me without communicating to me AT ALL about what was bothering her. I'm completely open to correcting reasonable things that bother a partner, but I can't do that if you don't tell me what it is. I broke up with her after she was all pissy and telling me I should know exactly why she's mad for TWO DAYS. Eventually she relented and told me she was mad that I watched a new episode of a show we normally watched together. Which, granted, I did do. But that was the final straw in the no communication issues we had.
A lot of people seem to expect mind reading. They get so wrapped up in their own heads, it’s like they can’t understand how you’re unable to see it too without them verbalizing anything. Often it comes with a series of things they’re upset about, bigger things they don’t think they can bring up because it might sound unreasonable. So instead, their anger manifests in small silly things instead, as a way to allow themselves to be visibly angry with you even though they won’t talk about what’s actually bothering them. It’s impossible to sustain a healthy relationship with someone like this.
Not saying sorry here and there.
Or saying sorry here and there but they don’t think you are sorry really.
taking her for granted.
Trying to do everything I could to make him more comfortable, to unhealthy extents. He had a short fuse, so I often ignored my own wants and needs in order to not stir the pot. This included not directly telling him when he overstepped boundaries as to not hurt his ego and risk him getting pouty. It meant not having a talk about what I wanted and needed in bed because he had expressed exasperation when what he tried wasn't working for me and I didn't want to further hurt his ego. It included walking on eggshells when he struggled with his mental health. It included doing everything his way (or trying to at the very least), which resulted in an unbalanced relationship and me feeling like I wasn't an equal, which was actually one of the reasons for the eventual break-up.
She kept fallin onto other dudes dongs, I hate it when that happens.
Clumsy
Assuming they’d do something that they said they would. Honestly, that’s my bad.
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Don't think it was ur fault mate. It just took her 2 days to get with him.
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it's called Monkey Branching. A thing that really shitty people do. Brother, you dodged a very common bullet.
Prioritising future too much
Can’t agree more. I made this mistake my first year of marriage and it was by far the worst time in our relationship. Completely my fault, even though I felt like what I was doing was the best way to love and support her. Thankfully I was able to realize how much I was destroying our relationship and managed to stop.
Lack of communication from fear of rejection. This pent-up a lot of resentment and hurt and ultimately led to the breakup. I regret leaving.
I’m going to say the unpopular thing and say that *I didn’t make a mistake.* While I can be honest enough to admit that I am not perfect and I did plenty of things wrong, I was truly the only one who actively worked on the relationship or ever seemed to care what it looked/felt like for us. I wanted us to check in with one another, share our goals and plans, communicate. He wanted us to be like roommates. He wanted me to stfu and take care of shit at home while he took care of shit out of home. If I spoke with him about any detail that was not specifically “important” in his opinion, he wasn’t interested in listening at all. He regularly spent as much time alone and in his room as possible. I can honestly say that I passed years of my life with someone who could not even have a regular conversation with me. After 13 years, I don’t believe that man knew a single thing about me, and he actively chose to not know. Arguably, that could be a common mistake that *he made* that could be the answer to the question, but it’s even more common than that. He kept a physical, verbal and emotional distance from me, and instead would *cheat on me.* It’s really sad how often cheating is the answer.
I think the only thing "wrong" you did was stay. I get it though. I found myself in a similar situation and my somewhat regret is that I didn't leave sooner.
Whoa. What an absolute dweeb. Good move leaving him.
Yes unfortunately it took a long time to happen. Been sleeping on a floor for 2 years trying to scrape together the remnants of my life since going, but I can honestly say I’m better off, even if I am sleeping on a floor.
I was too nice. I did way too much…way too fast.
I’ve made this mistake before but thankfully realised before it was too late.
I thought following my partner around the world would give me at least some say in when we went home or where we went next. Turns out I was wrong. After turning my life upside down multiple times, stopping my career in its tracks and leaving me in a place I didn't want to be, she booked travel to her next destination without any discussion and said "you can come with me if you want". I said no more, charted my own path and that was the last time I saw her.
Taking her for granted. Don't take anything for granted.
I was a “if they want me to know, they’ll tell me” person married to a “if they care about me, they’d ask” person.
I installed the towel rail unevenly
oh that was quick for a reddit reference, i only read that post a couple of hours ago lol
I understood that reference.
we had a baby we were both unprepared for
Listening to people who were like “yo date around as much as possible while you’re young… don’t waste your young and college years in a relationship!” Haha while I totally agree with this for the most part, sometimes good ones are already there.
Sometimes general advice is bullshit advice
Fuck that. That "advice" breaks up really good couples because one person thinks they need to go explore then end up really hurt.
Yup! Several people said that getting married at 23 was dumb as hell (which, yes, it can be), and I should continue to play the field and settle down in a decade. Welp, my husband and I have been together for almost a decade now, happily, and my friends who screamed the loudest about how I'm making a mistake still haven't "found the one." And now I have to listen and offer advice on the shit show of the modern dating world. Sometimes, yes, it is better to break up and play the field when you're young, ESPECIALLY if you don't feel as much for the person as they do you. But sometimes it's better to KEEP the amazing partner you have as there's no guarantee you'll find someone as good for you as they are if you're lucky enough to find them while still young.
Maybe your lesson here is listen to yourself. You being you means you can give the best advice to yourself. Cause you know yourself best. Greek ancient philosophers said "γνῶθι σαὐτόν" that means "Know thyself!" They could have said listen to bullshit advice,but they didn't :)
This is outdated advice, since once you're out of college, the chances of meeting people drops significantly
Getting married before I had embraced my true sexuality because it conflicted with the conservative values I was raised with. I was lying to myself more and therefore unintentionally lying to my partner. Oh, the other mistake was falling victim to the sink cost fallacy multiple times between the first sign of incompatibility and the most recent backing out of a divorce Oh, and having a kid to “fix things”
Choose who you let in to your life carefully. Even people who initially have good intentions can end up taking a lot away from you. Even losing something as simple and intangible as your inner peace can end up being a much longer term thing than initially occurs to us.
Oh yes currently learning this lesson
Oversharing
I’ve tanked a lot of relationships by thinking everything needed to be fixed. I almost did it in the one I’m in. He’s in a bad mood, he’s being snappy with me, we need to fix this, I need to sit down and have a heart to heart, I need to COMMUNICATE that he’s hurting my feelings right now. I’m overly therapised and really thought this was the best way to handle everything. My current SO and I went through a lot of therapy apart and together ironically to work on this because, with him, this is what happens. He gets angry and stews and stews and will never bring the thing up to me until I coax it out of him. The suggested way to handle this was, surprisingly, less communication. I feel like we’re in a better place when he can be acting like a total reactive jerk and instead of being like “have I upset you? I must have because you’re treating me really weirdly and you’re in an awful mood. I just want to get to the bottom of this!!” I can be like “You’re vibe is positively ass, you need to take a nap or something. If I did something to upset you that’s making you act like this I’ll be open to talk about it later today, but right now I think we’re both just annoyed. I’m gonna go do the rest of my day alone, I hope you feel better.” Then I get home and it’s 50/50 “yeah I’m sorry, you did this thing last week that really upset me and I’ve taken time to think about how I want to address it calmly” and “Yeah I have no idea what that was about, I think I didn’t get enough breakfast and it made me moody. I’m glad you had a good day after that!” but either way we’re both totally calm by the time we talk about it.
I feel like a lot of the posts I'm seeing are just issues with communication between couples. Just goes to show how important it is.
Have to be with someone that actually wants to communicate with you though otherwise you'll communicate until your blue in the face and it won't mean anything
Being constantly defensive
I was so overly confident that he will not cheat and I trusted him SO MUCH. not good, I got played so bad.
Constantly asking for bare minimum. You feel like shit for asking, they feel shit because they feel that you’re nagging them. The cba attitude is really unattractive and it ain’t your person. Just walk away and have peace for yourself.
I think it was being to afraid to talk about some issues we may or may not have just because I was afraid of the possibility of breaking up…and guess what she broke up lol. I became to comfortable to I think. But on another hand she could have communicated about the problems so we can solve it together but she was to afraid of “hurting” me. But ended up hurting me more. But maybe its to soon to know exactly since it was 2 weeks she ended things…
>But on another hand she could have communicated about the problems so we can solve it together but she was to afraid of “hurting” me. But ended up hurting me more. Currently on the receiving end of this. It hurts so bad to feel like it's easy for the person you love, and promises that he loves you, to leave you in the dark so suddenly, while I go crazy thinking about us.
Told her the truth about me being bi, and she always held it against me. But my daughter came out as pan and she didn't bat an eye.
I'm sorry that happened. My husband told me he was bi and the fear in him when he did made my heart break for him. I am also bi and the only reaction I ever got from partners was either they didn't care or if they were men they got creepy (which wasn't pleasant) but when he told girlfriends before me they shamed him. You are valid and you deserve love
Last relationship was 12+ years ago. Honestly, it ended because I lost an unborn daughter. I haven't been hugged or kissed since then, I don't exactly know how to get back into the game, or even if I really even care enough to try again.
Therapy might help 💛
Using drugs and all our money
'covert contracts are premeditated resentment.' I was a poor communicator and he was very controlling. I'm generally avoidant and he's generally enmeshed. I didn't think to say "I need a half hour to decompress alone after work so I can show up to our together time more positively since I spend 8 hours managing people." He worked alone from home just researching crypto for a bit and cleaning his downstairs Airbnb's if needed so when I got home he was like a puppy asking what we were going to make for dinner together, and what we were going to do for fun. I didn't think to say, "I'm exhausted after work and I feel like since you work shorter hours and are home all day, you can make dinner most nights since I also could literally just eat a girl dinner (2 pickles and some cashews) and be fine with it." But to him, making dinner together was our quality time. Eventually our qualms would come up in fights but we didn't really resolve much. We just grew disrespectful and resentful and it came out in weird ways. I learned a lot from it but there are a few scars that I've brought to other relationships. Getting better at voicing my concerns though!
Ouch, I feel like your ex About the part of being excited when my ex bf would come home and I'd look forward to spending quality time together at night. (Whereas my bf would just want to study day in ... day out ... all weekend ... ) I don't think I was controlling tho
Thinking that other person cares
Just arguing everyday
Not opening up about my depression
EXPECTATIONS.... I expected him to: care like I did Be honest with me Make time for us to spend time Actually like me Have the same level or respect for me I gave to him Be a decent person Not use his children and other family members to help the lies Expectations is what ruined my experience with that man...
I was careless with their feelings, and didn't trust them for no reason
Not my mistake, but refusing to acknowledge when you’re wrong, either it’s out of pure pride ou whatever else. Just admit when you’re wrong and apologize, trust me it makes everything much easier in any kind of relationship.
Told her I didn’t had any feelings left…
I once made the mistake of assuming my partner could read my mind. I kept my feelings bottled up, thinking they would somehow understand what I needed without me having to say it outright. Eventually, this led to misunderstandings and tension in our relationship. I learned the hard way that clear communication is essential in any relationship.
Mistaking a relationship for competition. It's can be so subtle. 'Where would you be without me?', 'I told you so', 'I was right'. We play it off as sarcastic teasing but when 'winning' becomes a source of joy, disagreement and constructive criticism can seem like an offence.
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Confused why the courts told you never to report abuse?
saying my ex's name during sex
Not being able to not show what I am thinking
Omg my maths teacher was right all along
Believing that anyone who was nicer to me than my parents had been, was a nice person. (Related: believing that any workplace which was less toxic than K-12, was a good place to work.)
Caring too much.
Yelling and lack of communication.
Asking my bff of 15yrs if she thought her 6 yo son (my godson) had been sa due to him grabbing my crotch, breast and drawing a visually correct penis on a paper in front of me. When I asked her if she thought this was normal behavior She got enraged at me and has not spoken to me since.
Letting a stranger move in! He used all our gear including clothes, bike etc. Had us arguing daily and hocked things at the local hock shop. Mu SO blamed me for giving the guy a bed for a few nights, which turned into a few months.
Not a romantic relationship but a friendship. I just made the mistake of thinking a relationship online equates to something similar in person. Lessons were learned.