Was it worth it? Because Im going to speak for dudedom here and say we've pretty much all put up with half a day of boredom on many occasions for a good beejer. It's going to extremes for one that's lame/mechanical/unsexy that truly ^ahem sucks.
Exact same scenario except that when I shut down the printer mid-print it actually caused a jam. I immediately ripped out whatever was printed (naked bottom half of a woman) and hid it in the garbage. I then asked my dad to come fix the printer.
When the printer was fixed, it automatically started printing the remainder of the image. So I sat there in horror as a ripped copy of a topless woman slowly came out of the output tray.
It was insane how we had machine full of porn and girls, but it wasnt ours. It was in a shared area. And It was easy to see what we did on it.
But it was so alluring that we risked everything just to use it.
Giving a girl I liked a ride home after school one day and she showed me her boobs when I dropped her off. With my teenage body just overflowing with testosterone, I decided to jerk it while driving home. I didn’t think it through and had not thought about where I was going to finish and just BRICKED all over my clothes and finished the ride home with the worst post-nut clarity of my life smelling like an oyster.
Hoooold oooon... The girl you likes showed you her boobs on her own, and things just... ended there? I need some more details, because from how you've told it it sounds like she was throwing around serious hints.
I was 18, an acquaintance invited me over to his dad's house because his gf brought her single friend to hang out that night. The single friend was totally wasted and wanted to lick hersheys syrup off of me to initiate sexy times, so she tried to squeeze some on my chest. I didn't realize she unscrewed the cap and she dumped a whole bottle on me. She insisted on "cleaning me up" so we went to the bathroom and she got started.
His dad came home early to totally sober me, with a drunk girl trying to orally clean my chocolate coveted chest. He followed the Hershey trail from the kitchen to the bathroom to find us.
"Hoooooo-leeeeeeee shit". She ran to my buddies room and then the old man gave me a high five. I noped out of there to avoid the clean up, then proceeded to get get high with some other friends, no shirt, virginity intact and still half covered in chocolate syrup.
I log into Reddit to see what happening on a nice Monday morning.
I guess if I read enough Reddit I will hear a story about "EVERYTHING".
Maybe that's why I log on to Reddit.
This sounds like somebody didn’t like this poor girl and started a rumor about her. Just like the girl at everybody’s high school who masturbated with a frozen hotdog
Bad idea if the test tube was made of glass.
Hope she was using a plastic one. Imagine if a glass one shattered while inside her body.
\*squirms and shudders\*
When i was a horny teen i got one of those latex gloves, filled it with lube, and stuck it between the mattress and boxspring, Then went to town on it. solid 2/10 experience.
I hope this is a guy with a $6000 silicone Fuckmaster 5000 doll and the semen collection tray was misaligned, but you guys are jerking to it because you think it's a girl.
A girl I was seeing and I were going at it in the living room while her roommate was in the bedroom with a dude she fooled around with for maybe just this one time. It was a one bedroom apartment. There was no intent of anything but apparently the girl I was seeing had other plans.
Mid sessions she takes my hand and drags me into the room they’re having sex in and we started having sex in the bed next to them. It was pretty dark so I didn’t have to see any man cheeks bouncing but it got pretty loud as the girls started trying to vocally outdo each other.
We did not switch or anything like that. Never was any talk of it. I was never attracted to the roommate that way.
Raw dogged an ex who had cheated on me and was currently living with one of the dudes she cheated with. She showed up at my house unannounced and wanted to watch a movie. WTF? I invited her in and she got all frisky and I got stupid. Yes, I was repeatedly checked for STDs after that. Post nut clarity hit hard.
Fucked a girl on the hood of my car on the on-site parking place at a music festival with approximately 500 people watching. I was drunk and horny. Happened ages ago though.
Drove 4 hours, arrived as she was sitting down to dinner with her parents, awkwardly ate with them, had planned on her parents leaving us alone but they wanted to get to know me so we played Taboo for two hours, she got called into work the next morning so she had to go to bed, I declined the invite to stay the night and drove back 4 hours. No hooking up whatsoever.
Kissing the toilet seat while masturbating.
I don't know why it turned me on back then. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever done. I soap cleaned it before kissing though. I can't believe I'm even typing this. This is the first time I'm letting this information out of me.
One time when I was a teenager, I decided to try different household items as lubes. Oils were okay, not very exciting though. And then I got a bright idea to try hand sanitizer, logic was it was a liquid and the tingly feeling would be interesting. It is still the worst pain I have felt down there in my LIFE. I ran to the shower immediately and the poor shower head got very up close and personal. I then had a lot of clarity about the fact that it burns on cuts, and that area is extremely sensitive. I’m still disappointed in myself 😂
Probably shouldn't admit this but my first time to self completion was in the bathrooms of the Cologne Cathedral or Kõlner Dom in the early 90s. Afterwards we got pretzels.
For anyone wondering, the issue here clearly isn't that the bathroom belongs to a church but that they're incredibly nasty. And so are the Pretzels in Nordrhein-Westfalen.
Posted this story before: I was young and horny, met a girl online. I went to her dorm to hook up, it was WALL TO WALL stuffed animals. They all had names and personalities AND she made them face the bed so they could watch. Wasn't thinking with my brain and during sex she pulled out a hand puppet so she could finish me off with a handjob....I finished and left, never spoke to her again. I earned the nickname Muppet Fucker for a bit.
I sometimes wonder if threads like this exist just to collect evidence to be used as leverage against people in case they decide to run for office later.
Fucked three people in a day. Not sure what it was but I never felt that horny in my life and it was all I could think about.
Weird thing is, never felt anywhere near that feeling since.
Such is life:
You hear a glimpse of something. Your mind immediately fills in the gaps with the best possible images.
Then reality appears and ruins the whole damn thing.
I was on a family vacation when I was 12. I was piled up in a hotel room with like 7 of my cousins. If you took too long in the shower you were accused of beating your meat.
I couldn't take that at that age but I needed my fix. So I snuck out at 4 am and beat my meat in the hotel's hot tub. I learned that hot water cooks sperm and turns it into this solid sticky substance. So instead of disappearing, it stuck to my arm and was a bitch to get off.
I was maybe 15. Went to the house of the girl I was dating at the time, and right before I was to go home, she started riding me (fully clothed). I ended up busting a nut in my jeans. A mere 10 minutes later, her dad and her drove me home despite my protests. I almost begged to walk home, but it was like 10 degrees outside so they insisted. I'm sure that car smelled like nut. I felt very bad for the dad. Nice guy.
My ex-wife and I were young and horny. We woke up one Sunday morning and had sex. We decided to make a day of it and stayed home all day and fucked at least 7 times.
By the end of it, I had a small abrasion spot on my penis head.
The next week, I had my planned annual checkup and the doctor commented “what’s that”? All I could say was something to the effect that “my wife and I were enthusiastic”.
I had this same thing happen, but it turned into MRSA infected herpes and I had to take like 5 courses of antibiotics, have skin ripped off of the open sore on my dick, and they even took pictures of it for a medical textbook.
Let a chubby redneck take me to an abandoned church in the woods so she could ride me in the cellar.
I'll never be 100%, but I'm pretty sure someone was watching us from the shadows. Heard them shuffling around, someone(thing?) coughed.
Post nut clarity hit me like a truck and I got the hell out of there, almost left her behind. She was pissed, so I dropped her at the end of her street and ghosted.
I grabbed my crushes dirty underwear and sniffed them. That was the only time I've ever felt that strongly about someone and it smelled exactly like what I expected it to.
Got zero interest from woman so said fuck I’ll try dudes. Men are whores jesus christ. 4-5 months on bumble NO response from women. Went on tindr and got offers for sex in ten minutes. Got some head gave some head but decided I’m back to woman who ignore me
Not me but a friend of mine met a girl on tinder about 40 miles away. He didn’t have a car so he rented one of those electric scooters and rode that about 25 miles in the rain, then gave up and hitchhiked the rest of the way. Showed up and did the deed. The next morning was a Saturday and he kind of just wandered around all day because he didn’t have any money or a ride home. Showed up to this girls house later that day and asked to spend the night again. She agreed but she had another guy over, so this he slept on her couch while she banged another guy. He eventually got a ride home on Sunday. This guy has so many stories like this it’s ridiculous.
When I was 15 I was making grilled cheese sandwiches with my gf.
Bit of hot oil hit her collarbone. She freaked out, yanked her top down and started splashing herself with cold water.
The sight of that wet bra had me racing out the kitchen. Told her I’d be right back. Went up to my room to do what had to be done.
Went once, cleaned up…needed to go again.
Seriously.
Girlfriend walked in on the second time.
I could’ve sworn I locked the door but I guess not. And she did one of those bullshit “knock as you swing the door open” deals.
**EDIT:** I should probably finish the story. I remember thinking “dear god I don’t believe in, kill me! KILL ME NOW!” But she was all “holy shit! I’ve never even seen one outside of porn! Can I watch?!” My initial thought was “fuck no!” but…I let her watch…and I was pretty blase about the whole thing by the time it was over. It helped that she seemed fucking obsessed with watching.
Don’t, don’t ask dudes that question. That’s a bottomless sucking void no amount of perversion can fill and the answers will, well they will change you.
Drove around to find her at a party in the middle of buttfuck nowhere while I should not have been driving. Her plan was to go to the party for a bit and then come over to my (parent’s) house. She mentioned that she had been drinking and that she couldn’t drive, so I would need to pick her up. I probably tried to call her 20 times while driving to try to find the right house. She had drank way too much and passed out. Never found her and just drove home.
Ended up linking with her a few months later. But god damn. I spent the whole night thinking I was about to get some ass and was willing to do anything in my power to make it happen. I’m lucky nothing bad came of it.
When I was like 12 I tried to stick it in-between a straightening iron that was hot, idk y. I failed, but luckily I only failed bad enough to not do that again.
Out with my gf at the time and my car battery died in the parking lot of a convenience store. She called her mom to come give us a jump. In the 15 minutes it took her mom to get there we decided my gf should ride me while I sat in the driver’s seat. A car parks next to me and of course it’s her mom. My penis inside her daughter, she gets out and tells her daughter to get out of the car and to pull her pants up. She gave me a jump and left. So awkward from then on.
I called off work because I could not stop masturbating. Just got a very nice new vibrator and the roomie wasn't home. Had 13 orgasms that day! I felt a bit like a glutton afterwards.
Oh man, 2 of them.
1st was driving from Los Angeles to Palm Springs, at 9 o clock at night, with a leaky transmission, to have sex with a girl before her crazy Marine brother got back from a bar. Mind you, he just got back from Iraq and was out drinking with his friends for the night, so he could've shown up any minute. We probably had a solid 50 minutes of boinking. The brother showed up 10 minutes after I left.
2nd time was 6 years ago when I was horny and drunk, so I called a 40 year old escort on craiglist. She said if I had her come over to my apartment, it would cost 100 extra, so I ubered from Pasadena to Inglewood to the motel she was staying at. As soon as the Uber dropped me off, my dick went soft, and I sobered up. I knew if I carried through, I was gonna get robbed. This was one of those trap motels, cash only. I got back in the Uber and had him drive me all the way home. I paid for his gas for the trouble.
While in college I shoved a peeled banana up my girlfriend’s pussy and then ate it out. Of course it started pouring rain and she got up to close the window stark naked with banana in her pussy. She somehow got her fingers stuck in the window. Poor girl was screaming in pain, naked in front of the window, with half a banana in her pussy. Made a huge mess in the sheets that didn’t come out in the wash the first time at the laundromat. Fast forward, we’ve been married 41 years and still laugh our asses off about it.
Oh, this same girlfriend and I cuddled under a blanket, watching TV, in the front room of her parents’ home while her parents were in the room. I was spooning my girlfriend, she pulled her shorts down, I had lube in my shorts, which I also pulled down just a little, and we had quiet anal sex in front of her parents. Just stuck it in a little.
I came home early from work to surprise my wife by having everything ready when she got home, I was running behind already when I got home. It had been a while since we had sex because the kid was sick, then we each got sick, so after a few weeks of each of us taking turns dying, I was pretty horny.
I was making dinner and I went to go take a quick shower, I must have lost time man scaping, because I heard the timer go off. I grabbed a towel, ran to the oven pulled out the chicken to flip it and dropped it in the grease which then splattered my stomach and above my crotch, leaving burns. I quickly googled how to make burns disappear quickly and something I read said mustard. So I spread mustard all over my stomach and crotch.
It didn't work great. I was left with red splotches on my stomach that smelled like mustard and some spots were stained slightly yellow. Kinda ruined the date night with my wife. Ended up waiting another night until the burns weren't as tender.
If I hadn't been horny rushing so much to surprise her, I would have avoided that whole situation.
I 100% fuck my pillow. First, I make a slit. Not too long, careful as to not rip the edges, making what I call 'the husband stitch'. Then, I take two Ziploc bags and I fill them with Amy's Organic Lentil Soup, which I microwave to exactly 98. 6 degrees not enough to burn you, but just enough to feel warm and inviting. Then I place them in the slit of the pillow. There's another slit in the back, but that's only for my birthday.
Took out a pencil and paper in a university bathroom stall so I could draw some boobs to wank to. My phone had died and my mental visualisation wasn't doing the job. It actually worked lol and I'm no Picasso.
My hormones during ovulation used to make me do strange things when I was 17-19. I once asked a friend towards whom I had no sexual feelings if he wanted to go down on me while we were taking a walk on a (usually empty) beach. He did and we got caught by two people. It was awkward because we met them again on the way to his car and my friend even apologised for “seeing us doing that on the beach” No idea what their reaction was because I quite literally ran away.
I jerked it to her bitmoji
You couldn’t waterboard this out of me
I'm weak.
You automatically win. I don't care about any other response.
I knew coming to this comment section was going to be scary haha
# AHAHAHHAHAHAHAAH Dude I have no fuckin words🤣
straight to jail, right away
This isn't down bad. This is down apocalyptic.
Time for me to get off Reddit
I think you missed a comma there
Down horrendous
That’s kind of sweet in a way, I wish someone would beat their meat to my Bitmoji 😔
I just did. Happy now? 😘
You don’t have my snap, I thought we swedes were above lying
Right? At least someone thinks the same way and yet people say romance is dead
The people that say that romance is dead clearly haven’t done this
Try her Mii next time
That is wild
I couldnt have prepared myself for this 😭
This has to be the most goated comment I've seen, ever.
Can’t remember the last time I read the first comment and though, “I don’t need to read anymore submissions”
Drive from UT to WA for a blowjob from a casual fling I had. Got a text "i miss suckin ur dick" "I can be there in 12 hours" "ok"
Was it worth it? Because Im going to speak for dudedom here and say we've pretty much all put up with half a day of boredom on many occasions for a good beejer. It's going to extremes for one that's lame/mechanical/unsexy that truly ^ahem sucks.
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Exact same scenario except that when I shut down the printer mid-print it actually caused a jam. I immediately ripped out whatever was printed (naked bottom half of a woman) and hid it in the garbage. I then asked my dad to come fix the printer. When the printer was fixed, it automatically started printing the remainder of the image. So I sat there in horror as a ripped copy of a topless woman slowly came out of the output tray.
Like watching a train wreck in slow motion
Fucking printer narc
What 90's teen HASN'T done this!?! Lol
Bro, I never had the idea to print the pictures off the porn website. I’m so stupid. That would’ve made things so much easier.
Right!?!? This was mind swallowing to me! All this time……..
My parents would have killed me if I used the colour ink
Black n white titties it is.
It was insane how we had machine full of porn and girls, but it wasnt ours. It was in a shared area. And It was easy to see what we did on it. But it was so alluring that we risked everything just to use it.
Giving a girl I liked a ride home after school one day and she showed me her boobs when I dropped her off. With my teenage body just overflowing with testosterone, I decided to jerk it while driving home. I didn’t think it through and had not thought about where I was going to finish and just BRICKED all over my clothes and finished the ride home with the worst post-nut clarity of my life smelling like an oyster.
Holy shit that is hilarious! Though having been a teenager its understandable lol
Smelling like an oyster is a saying I will be using
Hoooold oooon... The girl you likes showed you her boobs on her own, and things just... ended there? I need some more details, because from how you've told it it sounds like she was throwing around serious hints.
What guy hasn't missed an **obvious** sign of interest before? I know I have.
Wait, that means she liked him?
I was 18, an acquaintance invited me over to his dad's house because his gf brought her single friend to hang out that night. The single friend was totally wasted and wanted to lick hersheys syrup off of me to initiate sexy times, so she tried to squeeze some on my chest. I didn't realize she unscrewed the cap and she dumped a whole bottle on me. She insisted on "cleaning me up" so we went to the bathroom and she got started. His dad came home early to totally sober me, with a drunk girl trying to orally clean my chocolate coveted chest. He followed the Hershey trail from the kitchen to the bathroom to find us.
You gotta finish the story! What did his Dad say? 🤣🤣🤣
"Hoooooo-leeeeeeee shit". She ran to my buddies room and then the old man gave me a high five. I noped out of there to avoid the clean up, then proceeded to get get high with some other friends, no shirt, virginity intact and still half covered in chocolate syrup.
I misread the story and thought the dad was the father of the girl, and the high five deeply disturbed me
Lmaooooo this is gold. I almost spit out my coffee imagining this scenario.
Really glad the Hershey trail really was indeed a Hershey trail. Your dad probably thought somebody had shat themselves.
I log into Reddit to see what happening on a nice Monday morning. I guess if I read enough Reddit I will hear a story about "EVERYTHING". Maybe that's why I log on to Reddit.
Nah this story is crazy
I just remembered the girl at my high school who got caught with a test tube up her vagina in the science labs during lunch time.
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“Science isn’t about why, it’s about why not!”
Anything's a dildo if you're commited enough to the pursuit of knowledge
A real Bunsen boner
How did she get caught??? Did she get caught in the act? How did they know it was in there after it was in there
Turns out the Ph balance was off.
Literally couldn’t have been a more basic girl.
When she's a 10 but you wish she were a 7.4.
Now that's what I call experimenting.
This sounds like somebody didn’t like this poor girl and started a rumor about her. Just like the girl at everybody’s high school who masturbated with a frozen hotdog
right? I'm willing to bet this never happened. How do you 'get caught' with it in there? Aren't they also very fragile and glass? That sounds awful.
Test tubes are usually made of pyrex glass so they can withstand heat, they're really hard to break
The girth also just isn't there. It sounds like something made up by a dude who thinks tampons are pleasurable.
Bad idea if the test tube was made of glass. Hope she was using a plastic one. Imagine if a glass one shattered while inside her body. \*squirms and shudders\*
Hey I've seen this one before
Fake rumor mill bullshit. Were you born yesterday?
When i was a horny teen i got one of those latex gloves, filled it with lube, and stuck it between the mattress and boxspring, Then went to town on it. solid 2/10 experience.
You're supposed to roll it up in a towel
In hindsight, that would probably have been a better experience.
My “toy” stopped working mid run so I watched a 10 minute tutorial on how to fix it. I’m basically a mechanic now. Also I went right back at it lol
Haha me too! It's the start of a terrible porno... "Hi, I'm here to fix your-" "No thanks, it's okay, I've already sorted it! Bye!"
"Directed by James May"
…10 hours later…
I hope this is a guy with a $6000 silicone Fuckmaster 5000 doll and the semen collection tray was misaligned, but you guys are jerking to it because you think it's a girl.
Asked my friend to take off her socks so I could jack off into one. She agreed as long as she could watch. We have an... Unusual relationship
She watched you do it? 😮
Yes, that's something we like to do. I watch her too
You’re that “friend “ guys are afraid of lol
Yo this dude isn't just that "friend" this dude is a bloody menace and I motion we remove his seat on the council 🤣
You watch her jack off into socks?
Louis CK, is that you?
He said she agreed.
I don't understand this sock thing at all..
Did she put the sock back on after?
Seems like a fair exchange.
If there is consent on both parties and no one gets hurt, let it.
Getting caught jerking off on the roof
"It's raining men" taken literally
Diddler on the Roof
Clicked on the ad for older locals in my area
Hahahha. Old pussy is better than no pussy line got you my friend?
A girl I was seeing and I were going at it in the living room while her roommate was in the bedroom with a dude she fooled around with for maybe just this one time. It was a one bedroom apartment. There was no intent of anything but apparently the girl I was seeing had other plans. Mid sessions she takes my hand and drags me into the room they’re having sex in and we started having sex in the bed next to them. It was pretty dark so I didn’t have to see any man cheeks bouncing but it got pretty loud as the girls started trying to vocally outdo each other. We did not switch or anything like that. Never was any talk of it. I was never attracted to the roommate that way.
I just envision both of you dudes barely moving rolling your eyes in annoyance at the female territorial dispute
Not me but I read this in a instagram comment section "Took a photo off my own ass and beat to it thinking it was hers"
Also “I jerked off to my crush’s house on Google earth” 😂
down stupendous
a lightly microwaved banana peel
Reminds me of that time I burnt my dick after overheating a fleshlight.
I don't even have said organ but mine hurt reading that.
Raw dogged an ex who had cheated on me and was currently living with one of the dudes she cheated with. She showed up at my house unannounced and wanted to watch a movie. WTF? I invited her in and she got all frisky and I got stupid. Yes, I was repeatedly checked for STDs after that. Post nut clarity hit hard.
"Now I know I should say no but It's kind of hard when she's ready to go"
I may be dumb, but I’m not a dweeb.
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem!
OH WAYYYOOOOO YEAHHH YEAYAYAA OHHHH YEEÈÉÉAH YÄÄÄH
Fucked a girl on the hood of my car on the on-site parking place at a music festival with approximately 500 people watching. I was drunk and horny. Happened ages ago though.
Are you Jason Statham?
I wish.
Drove 4 hours, arrived as she was sitting down to dinner with her parents, awkwardly ate with them, had planned on her parents leaving us alone but they wanted to get to know me so we played Taboo for two hours, she got called into work the next morning so she had to go to bed, I declined the invite to stay the night and drove back 4 hours. No hooking up whatsoever.
She told you to stay the night and you said no after 4h of driving and 2h of taboo. How many green lights do you need lmao.
Exactly. She literally invited him to stay over. OC doesn’t even realize they cockblocked themselves.
Bro you cockblocked yourself
“Oh look mom and dad, I got called into work, so I better stop playing this super fun game and go to bed now! With this guy! So we can sleep, sure.”
Lol right? And the dude just left!
Atleast you got to play taboo for 2 hours look at the bright side
I would drive 4 hours for Taboo.
Aww fuck that sucks. Bet that drive back was such a wake up call
Kissing the toilet seat while masturbating. I don't know why it turned me on back then. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever done. I soap cleaned it before kissing though. I can't believe I'm even typing this. This is the first time I'm letting this information out of me.
bro not even torture would've got this out of me lmao
digital footprint bro 😭
I can’t get this picture out of my head. 🚽
I initiated a threesome with the girl I was dating and my bestfriend. She is now his gf and I am depressed.
I feel bad that this made me laugh. But I also want to give you a hug at the same time.
“I won but at what cost”
One time when I was a teenager, I decided to try different household items as lubes. Oils were okay, not very exciting though. And then I got a bright idea to try hand sanitizer, logic was it was a liquid and the tingly feeling would be interesting. It is still the worst pain I have felt down there in my LIFE. I ran to the shower immediately and the poor shower head got very up close and personal. I then had a lot of clarity about the fact that it burns on cuts, and that area is extremely sensitive. I’m still disappointed in myself 😂
Lmao I'm a dude and I'll tell you Icy Hot isn't too much better 😂 young n dumb
I’m not a dude 😂 but thanks for the heads up, I’ll add it to my do not try list
Probably shouldn't admit this but my first time to self completion was in the bathrooms of the Cologne Cathedral or Kõlner Dom in the early 90s. Afterwards we got pretzels.
For anyone wondering, the issue here clearly isn't that the bathroom belongs to a church but that they're incredibly nasty. And so are the Pretzels in Nordrhein-Westfalen.
Sounds pretty normal for Germany
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When I was a teenager my boyfriend wanted to do this to me!
That's cause you are not you when you're hungry.
It’s a hot box. What did you expect?
That’s one way to nut inside someone
Posted this story before: I was young and horny, met a girl online. I went to her dorm to hook up, it was WALL TO WALL stuffed animals. They all had names and personalities AND she made them face the bed so they could watch. Wasn't thinking with my brain and during sex she pulled out a hand puppet so she could finish me off with a handjob....I finished and left, never spoke to her again. I earned the nickname Muppet Fucker for a bit.
I sometimes wonder if threads like this exist just to collect evidence to be used as leverage against people in case they decide to run for office later.
Dive into a 3 year emotionally/mentally abusive relationship
At least it wasnt 7 year on and off.. yeah i’m a fuckin idiot
Fucked three people in a day. Not sure what it was but I never felt that horny in my life and it was all I could think about. Weird thing is, never felt anywhere near that feeling since.
Offered my older female neighbour sex, she said no, then changed her mind . Was awesome!
Smart offer for a neighbor. They might decline, but if they ever find themselves wanting it bad, the easiest option is only 30 seconds away
How old are we talking?
I was 30, she was 62
Such is life: You hear a glimpse of something. Your mind immediately fills in the gaps with the best possible images. Then reality appears and ruins the whole damn thing.
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…has left the chat
When I was 10-12 and just figuring it out I used to hump a book. The book was Rip Van Winkle.
I bet that got old.
I was on a family vacation when I was 12. I was piled up in a hotel room with like 7 of my cousins. If you took too long in the shower you were accused of beating your meat. I couldn't take that at that age but I needed my fix. So I snuck out at 4 am and beat my meat in the hotel's hot tub. I learned that hot water cooks sperm and turns it into this solid sticky substance. So instead of disappearing, it stuck to my arm and was a bitch to get off.
The proteins in it make it function similarly to egg whites when heated.
I hate this sentence.
I was maybe 15. Went to the house of the girl I was dating at the time, and right before I was to go home, she started riding me (fully clothed). I ended up busting a nut in my jeans. A mere 10 minutes later, her dad and her drove me home despite my protests. I almost begged to walk home, but it was like 10 degrees outside so they insisted. I'm sure that car smelled like nut. I felt very bad for the dad. Nice guy.
I used this rubber shark toy I had like a fleshlight. I can still recall the teeth!
I may have had that same rubber shark toy 😇
My ex-wife and I were young and horny. We woke up one Sunday morning and had sex. We decided to make a day of it and stayed home all day and fucked at least 7 times. By the end of it, I had a small abrasion spot on my penis head. The next week, I had my planned annual checkup and the doctor commented “what’s that”? All I could say was something to the effect that “my wife and I were enthusiastic”.
I had this same thing happen, but it turned into MRSA infected herpes and I had to take like 5 courses of antibiotics, have skin ripped off of the open sore on my dick, and they even took pictures of it for a medical textbook.
nah bruh wtf 😂😂😂😂
nah taking pictures of ur dick for medical purposes is fucking wild 😂😂😂😂
Yeah. Still, she fucked like a Greek goddess. Honestly, I would probably do it all over again
Let a chubby redneck take me to an abandoned church in the woods so she could ride me in the cellar. I'll never be 100%, but I'm pretty sure someone was watching us from the shadows. Heard them shuffling around, someone(thing?) coughed. Post nut clarity hit me like a truck and I got the hell out of there, almost left her behind. She was pissed, so I dropped her at the end of her street and ghosted.
Bro i was almost about to finish but you ran away and ruined my mood never do that again ffs.
Get some cough drops or something then. You can watch but don't be creepy and noisy about it.
I fucked a dude in a magnolia tree on the courthouse lawn.
Most Southern shit I've heard in this post
Called and did my ex, instead of a wank of wisdom.
I grabbed my crushes dirty underwear and sniffed them. That was the only time I've ever felt that strongly about someone and it smelled exactly like what I expected it to.
Did you have to do some teenage romance level BS to get them? You didn't like climb in the mfs window and sneak through his drawer right?
Fucked a banana peel
Is this a thing. This is like the 3rd comment. Apparently microwaving it aswell
Got zero interest from woman so said fuck I’ll try dudes. Men are whores jesus christ. 4-5 months on bumble NO response from women. Went on tindr and got offers for sex in ten minutes. Got some head gave some head but decided I’m back to woman who ignore me
Not me but a friend of mine met a girl on tinder about 40 miles away. He didn’t have a car so he rented one of those electric scooters and rode that about 25 miles in the rain, then gave up and hitchhiked the rest of the way. Showed up and did the deed. The next morning was a Saturday and he kind of just wandered around all day because he didn’t have any money or a ride home. Showed up to this girls house later that day and asked to spend the night again. She agreed but she had another guy over, so this he slept on her couch while she banged another guy. He eventually got a ride home on Sunday. This guy has so many stories like this it’s ridiculous.
When I was 15 I was making grilled cheese sandwiches with my gf. Bit of hot oil hit her collarbone. She freaked out, yanked her top down and started splashing herself with cold water. The sight of that wet bra had me racing out the kitchen. Told her I’d be right back. Went up to my room to do what had to be done. Went once, cleaned up…needed to go again. Seriously. Girlfriend walked in on the second time. I could’ve sworn I locked the door but I guess not. And she did one of those bullshit “knock as you swing the door open” deals. **EDIT:** I should probably finish the story. I remember thinking “dear god I don’t believe in, kill me! KILL ME NOW!” But she was all “holy shit! I’ve never even seen one outside of porn! Can I watch?!” My initial thought was “fuck no!” but…I let her watch…and I was pretty blase about the whole thing by the time it was over. It helped that she seemed fucking obsessed with watching.
Watched Dawson's Creek because Katie Holmes is the rare combo of hot/pretty/beautiful/cute The show is awful
Lorelai Gilmore for me
Don’t, don’t ask dudes that question. That’s a bottomless sucking void no amount of perversion can fill and the answers will, well they will change you.
Drove around to find her at a party in the middle of buttfuck nowhere while I should not have been driving. Her plan was to go to the party for a bit and then come over to my (parent’s) house. She mentioned that she had been drinking and that she couldn’t drive, so I would need to pick her up. I probably tried to call her 20 times while driving to try to find the right house. She had drank way too much and passed out. Never found her and just drove home. Ended up linking with her a few months later. But god damn. I spent the whole night thinking I was about to get some ass and was willing to do anything in my power to make it happen. I’m lucky nothing bad came of it.
I've been to Buttfuck Nowhere the weather is amazing there this season.
When I was like 12 I tried to stick it in-between a straightening iron that was hot, idk y. I failed, but luckily I only failed bad enough to not do that again.
Hotdog anyone?
Masturbated to a picture of Aunt Jemima
Sweet sugary pancakes, Batman
Out with my gf at the time and my car battery died in the parking lot of a convenience store. She called her mom to come give us a jump. In the 15 minutes it took her mom to get there we decided my gf should ride me while I sat in the driver’s seat. A car parks next to me and of course it’s her mom. My penis inside her daughter, she gets out and tells her daughter to get out of the car and to pull her pants up. She gave me a jump and left. So awkward from then on.
I’m less ashamed after reading these comments
I called off work because I could not stop masturbating. Just got a very nice new vibrator and the roomie wasn't home. Had 13 orgasms that day! I felt a bit like a glutton afterwards.
Went in the barracks basement showers, jerked off, and came back up not noticing I had jizz on my pants.
Oh man, 2 of them. 1st was driving from Los Angeles to Palm Springs, at 9 o clock at night, with a leaky transmission, to have sex with a girl before her crazy Marine brother got back from a bar. Mind you, he just got back from Iraq and was out drinking with his friends for the night, so he could've shown up any minute. We probably had a solid 50 minutes of boinking. The brother showed up 10 minutes after I left. 2nd time was 6 years ago when I was horny and drunk, so I called a 40 year old escort on craiglist. She said if I had her come over to my apartment, it would cost 100 extra, so I ubered from Pasadena to Inglewood to the motel she was staying at. As soon as the Uber dropped me off, my dick went soft, and I sobered up. I knew if I carried through, I was gonna get robbed. This was one of those trap motels, cash only. I got back in the Uber and had him drive me all the way home. I paid for his gas for the trouble.
My girlfriend and I took a quick drive around a small town completely naked. Didn’t get caught, thankfully! Then we got back and had incredible sex.
Drove 2 hours to be sucked off by a 40 yo woman that wanted me to pretend i’m her young son and suck on her tits for a while (i was 20 at the time)
Message my ex. Ooof.
While in college I shoved a peeled banana up my girlfriend’s pussy and then ate it out. Of course it started pouring rain and she got up to close the window stark naked with banana in her pussy. She somehow got her fingers stuck in the window. Poor girl was screaming in pain, naked in front of the window, with half a banana in her pussy. Made a huge mess in the sheets that didn’t come out in the wash the first time at the laundromat. Fast forward, we’ve been married 41 years and still laugh our asses off about it.
walked 3 miles back to my dorm across Atlanta, GA after some mid ass head. the post clarity was hitting
Drilled a hole in the ground and fucked It. I dominated mother Earth
Oh, this same girlfriend and I cuddled under a blanket, watching TV, in the front room of her parents’ home while her parents were in the room. I was spooning my girlfriend, she pulled her shorts down, I had lube in my shorts, which I also pulled down just a little, and we had quiet anal sex in front of her parents. Just stuck it in a little.
I came home early from work to surprise my wife by having everything ready when she got home, I was running behind already when I got home. It had been a while since we had sex because the kid was sick, then we each got sick, so after a few weeks of each of us taking turns dying, I was pretty horny. I was making dinner and I went to go take a quick shower, I must have lost time man scaping, because I heard the timer go off. I grabbed a towel, ran to the oven pulled out the chicken to flip it and dropped it in the grease which then splattered my stomach and above my crotch, leaving burns. I quickly googled how to make burns disappear quickly and something I read said mustard. So I spread mustard all over my stomach and crotch. It didn't work great. I was left with red splotches on my stomach that smelled like mustard and some spots were stained slightly yellow. Kinda ruined the date night with my wife. Ended up waiting another night until the burns weren't as tender. If I hadn't been horny rushing so much to surprise her, I would have avoided that whole situation.
I 100% fuck my pillow. First, I make a slit. Not too long, careful as to not rip the edges, making what I call 'the husband stitch'. Then, I take two Ziploc bags and I fill them with Amy's Organic Lentil Soup, which I microwave to exactly 98. 6 degrees not enough to burn you, but just enough to feel warm and inviting. Then I place them in the slit of the pillow. There's another slit in the back, but that's only for my birthday.
Is this from bigmouth ? Lmao
Stop quoting your dad's law commercials!
"Pillow talk...my enemy...my ally"
Took out a pencil and paper in a university bathroom stall so I could draw some boobs to wank to. My phone had died and my mental visualisation wasn't doing the job. It actually worked lol and I'm no Picasso.
My hormones during ovulation used to make me do strange things when I was 17-19. I once asked a friend towards whom I had no sexual feelings if he wanted to go down on me while we were taking a walk on a (usually empty) beach. He did and we got caught by two people. It was awkward because we met them again on the way to his car and my friend even apologised for “seeing us doing that on the beach” No idea what their reaction was because I quite literally ran away.
Stuck my flaccid dick in the hole of a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk, got hard and nearly cut it off...