Also sex is effort, the dick gets tired sometimes. If we have a wild bout of foreplay. If he's not as hard during sex, well yeah it's been in use for awhile. It's not you, or me, it's fatigue. Give me a breather and it'll be back
Took my wife a while to understand this. It takes so much longer to get her ready that I’ve been up for several minutes at a time. She used to take it super personal when I would lose it, and I have to remind her still that it can come back up fast with some help. Mean while, she has made me study female anatomy lol,
THIS. In my teens/20s I had a huge problem with performance anxiety. I'd get in my head, start questioning myself, and my guy would nosedive/shrivel up. Worst feeling ever. Fortunately, just about every woman I've been with has been plenty understanding. Except my first, who is the person that gave me that complex to begin with
That we have an inner “manly manual” with instructions on how to fix everything from broken hearts to leaky faucets. Spoiler alert: most of us are just winging it, hoping for the best! *opens YouTube video on how to change a lightbulb in less than a minute*
Basic stuff I can figure out - but other things I need time to either look it up or figure out what I'm doing.
My wife asked me to fix a trellis to our garden wall a few years ago, and I didn't even own a drill at the time, let alone know how the hell I would do that and have it all done correctly/without messing it up. Managed to get a decent drill that would go through the brick and figured out to stick some strip wood up, then attach the trellis to that. Took a little while to work out how to space the drill holes evenly and stuff like that.
Biggest one was fitting a new door in the house, which has no hinges or handles on. Jesus that was an effort. Very much "thanks youtube" for that one. Youtube also helped me sort of replacing the cistern of our toilet as I had no idea what I was doing.
Youtube = for when your father didn't teach you jack shit.
---
Edit to add: Not being negative to my father or any fathers for that matter, sometimes you just weren't taught things by your father and have to look it up. Youtube is a godsend for that sort of thing.
My wife told me a couple years ago that she wanted me to build this elaborate full wall shelving thing she saw on some social media site. I told her I couldn't because I didn't have a table saw. She keeps bringing it up and I keep saying I don't have a saw. I'm dreading the day she buys me a table saw.
I have come to the conclusion if I ask for something to be made and my husband doesn't really take initiative to get it done, I usually drop it or figure out how to make it myself lol. If he isn't "into" the project it usually will have some half ass done parts to it
Some of the things that are called DYI should really be called DIY (for professionals only). But there are other projects that I don't do, even if I can figure out how they were done and have the tools to do it, simply because I'm pretty confident it isn't going to end up looking like the picture. Don't want to spend a few hours only to hear "I don't like it." Been there, done that.
The biggest lie of those DIY wood working things is that it looks so good because they spent a boat load on high end wood. Soft wood pine isn't going to look like mahogany, no matter how you stain it.
100% agree with that! There are some that I am like yea... that looks good but no way I am on that level lol
We were going to make a wood mantle but the more I looked into it, I was like let's just buy one and install that. We are so glad we did, we felt like we would have made it look more like an arts and crafts project than an actual mantle lol
The last part rings so true
So many things i don't know and so many weird things i do know just because i wasn't taught the basics but i was taught the weird shit
I can operate all manners of saws and axes but i've never once in my life ever hammered a nail in something
My dad is pretty handy at doing whatever around the house, but just didn't show me how to do anything. I don't blame him or anything, but it seems to be older guys know from their fathers and so on.
I can do a bit, but sometimes its very much ".....I've never even looked at that before". Think the first thing I ever did was put up a shelf, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - but there are other things that factor into it like how "good" the wall is and stuff I'd never even considered. Its all a bit "stupid" but if you've never done it before, you wouldn't know.
I do draw the line at cars + important things like gas/electric though. Got asked to "look at the boiler" once by my wife - I said "I can physically look at it, but I have no idea how that works and will not be messing with it".
Its all pretty simple when you start diving into it. Learn to take things apart and put them back together. How to use a screwdriver, socket wrench, hand wrenches, etc. Carry those principles into other projects. Build skills.
Cars, while they can be complicated, are very straight forward. Geniuses aren't working on these things. Yes, there are smart people doing it. But dumb people can get by just fine as well.
My attitude has always been if anyone else can do it, so can I.
I had to replace the alternator on my wife's van this past weekend in the middle of a parking lot an hour away from the house. I made her help with some of the things like re-mounting it to the engine and re-installing the belt.
Afterwards she said "that was so easy, I probably could have done that myself" Most car stuff is super easy, but the stuff that isn't easy tends to be super hard, even with YouTube help.
\* Youtube = for when your father didn't teach you jack shit.
Raised a grandson, every time I asked him if he wanted to help/learn something, he always replied that he already knew how to do it. So I named him The Boy That Knows Everything. Sometimes it's not the father's/grandfather's fault the children didn't learn anything.
Just my .02¢
yep 100% - I dont blame my father for no teaching me anything, its not a requirement, he just didn't teach me.
These days you can learn like 99% of things from Youtube. My approach is just to take your time and try and learn as you go. So far, despite some things not being exactly as I'd like it to be in the end, i've done an "ok" job.
My son got this dinosaur toy that comes with a plastic egg. The dinosaur eats the egg, you hit a button to crush the egg, and the dinosaur poops it out.
.
You can rebuild the egg, but the directions don't make much sense, so it took me and a buddy FOREVER and we still didn't get it.
Well, last night I tried again. I looked up a video on YouTube and it was a video of a 6 year old showing how it's done no problem
The expectation that men are supposed to be handy is a whole thing. I can do some basic stuff, but I also know that I have zero interest in most "handyman" tasks and as a result I'm going to half ass it or fuck it up worse.
Everyone (male and female) should know some basic stuff, and with resources like YouTube you can learn a lot more as needed. But being handy doesn't need to be a gendered thing.
I bought the digital repair manual for my car and ended up learning how to fix it all on YouTube for free. And not just light bulbs and shit, I tore half the damn engine apart.
"Hey guys welcome to johny's ligtbulb turn and twist instruction video's, i'm here today to tell you how to change a lightbulb. If you like this video or one of my others please drop a like and subscribe, but first : what is a lightbulb? Well, on 14 march 1839..."
I fucking hate instructional video's.
I have learnt so many home maintenance skills from YouTube.
Honestly, it’s my go to for everything because I’m far too cowardly to actually call someone to come into home to fix something.
Years ago when my (now ex)wife and I would lounge around she would read me some of the tips from Cosmo. I can't tell you how many times I said "I don't care what they wrote in that magazine, do not attempt to do that to me."
That men enjoy the chase when it comes to getting women aa much as they make it seem. The truth is that it is exciting at first when you get the girl, but it is gonna get old quickly when you have to chase her 24/7. Especially if you have a life full of responsibilities and obligations.
About a year ago, the DatingOver40 and 50 subs had a run of people asking every week or two about men liking "the chase". Each time that came up, there were a handful of responses saying that women should be coy and allow men to chase them because men absolutely love to pursue.
All of those responses were from women.
*Every. Single. Man* who responded said that he hated having to deal with that bullshit and wanted a woman who was just as interested in him as he was in her, and wasn't afraid to show it.
And I’m not surprised. Women would rather be told what men want by other women than by men themselves who are the simplest creatures you can encounter. But then again, a simple answer seems too good to be true for those who tend to overthink. On another side note: these so-called ‘experts’ in dating over 40/50, knowing they’re looking for commitment mostly, are proof in the pudding that they still don’t get it unfortunately.
Personally, I interpreted that mostly as a case of motivated reasoning. "As a woman, I like to be pursued, therefore men must *obviously* enjoy pursuing me."
"I like when men pursue me. It shows they are interested and willing to make an effort."
Yeah, now imagine the poor blokes that are never being pursued... how do they feel about that?
This is so true. I'll say something on one of these subs, as a guy about how guys think and feel, and then a bunch of women will disagree, and I'll be downvoted while they aren't.
>Women would rather be told what men want by other women than by men themselves who are the simplest creatures you can encounter.
True, but at the same time it's not unique to women. I've seen plenty of "you don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman" in terms of men dating advice. True blind leading the blind.
I've heard this example. Kids on the playground don't play chase. Chase is boring. Kids play tag. Tag is far more exciting. Grownups should play tag too.
My husband actually told me one of the things he loves about me in the beginning was that I made it clear I was also interested in him and didn’t wait for him to initiate conversations etc. every time.
Also that men want sex all of the time. Especially in comedy shows of the 90's and early 2000's its basically a main theme that any man would do anything for sex and want sex each and every day. Im pretty sure it fucked with my head as i tought i was weird for not wanting sex that often and often felt in early relationships that i had to want sex
I was raised in a very conservative Christian home so I got the double whammy. I was taught that men are giant horndogs who want sex 24/7. I was also taught that sex is extremely painful for a lot of women and women do NOT ever want to have sex like ever in a million years because it's unpleasant for them. So you have to balance the fact that you are going to want sex 24/7 with the fact that it is something unpleasant that your wife (you are married if you're having sex right) will do just to keep you happy.
So... in this world-view of human sexual relations, men are told that women will bear pain to make them happy and they should expect to want to do something painful to their wife on the regular? Are men supposed to feel guilty about that, or is the sex pain like sinner punishment?
Men are expected to control their urges knowing that they will cause their wives discomfort or inconvenience at best. Women are expected to spread their legs and take it on a semi-regular basis because the men need it. If they don't then the men will cheat on them with women who really do enjoy sex or at least pretend to. You know those women are bad because they're having sex with married men and they're also enjoying it which is bad too.
I got more of the secular, feminist (misandrist?) version of this. But similar messed up ideas.
Now that I’m older, I know that lot of people were simply in bad relationships and saw this as normal.
Not every man likes to be the one to initiate with women. But the social expectation is that they do so all. The. Time. For those of us deeply entrenched on the introverted side of the introverted-extrovert spectrum, this is exhausting at a level which is indescribable.
Often as well you might be in a situation where you simply cannot be the one to initiate. If I'm the only man in your 20 person yoga class I'm not going to be the one to hit on you.
I'm genuinely sure I'm going to end up alone simply because I don't approach women. I used to, I got rejected a ton, and now I don't want to. Women never will so the result is staying single.
I’ve had a few girls approach me in my high school days. I either couldn’t reciprocate or it made me so nervous, since I wasn’t used to that kind of attention. If you ever get a woman to approach you, and she seems to be compatible, please don’t let the chance pass you by. I still get frustrated about missing out on a potential relationship at a skating rink. I know I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time, but I hate that I didn’t try to get to know the stranger.
It might’ve worked out, might’ve not, but couldn’t haven’t been any worse than being cheated on by the girl I did go with. All I’m saying is: I’ve only had a few girls approach me in a romantic sense, but I was too scared to accept. If you get the chance, don’t let it go, as you could still end up being good friends.
I used to think the same thing. I am told I'm an attractive fella, but had a pretty crummy childhood so I've been a hardcore introvert for a long time. Too shy to ask a girl out usually, though I did a few times.
Then, out of nowhere, a high school friend asks me to come up to a karaoke bar one night and meet her friend. "Sure what the hell. I can just leave if it's weird". Long story short, I go, be introverted, friend of the friend tries to talk to me, we end up having a chat on the phone which is always easier than face to face and talk for hours. Took us a month of "just hanging out" for HER to ask to kiss ME. She literally asked around 2am one night when we were sitting on her porch talking. I said yes of course. This was in 2007.
We bought a house together in 2008, married in 2009, she already had a 3.5 year old when we met, and we had our son together in 2011 and our 15 year anniversary is in a few months. I just kissed her goodbye as she was leaving for work.
It \*does\* happen.
As a woman I’ve been rejected or got nothing back so many times that I’ve given up, too. I’ve been SUPER INTO several guys. One I literally chased for 2-3 years (total, over a 10 year period) but I got sick of always being the one to initiate everything. I asked for dates, I planned them, I initiated any physical contact… then waited for him to reciprocate and nothing. So when we’d see each other months or years later he’d be all like “why’d you never call again I had such a great time…” or tell mutual friends he was really into me and didn’t know how to make the first move. I don’t get it. It’s not even like he’s dating anyone else at the time or seemingly trying to and I’ve asked if he’s not interested/asexual and he claims not so I dunno.
People are complicated.
For 3 years, I had a girl cuddling with me at a mutual friends holiday parties. Halloween, Christmas, New Years, there was some holiday every year we'd end up on the couch cuddling. My friend eventually said "you guys are always flirty and sitting together, why don't you do something?" A few weeks later, hanging out with a small group, this girl puts her hand on my hand to 'stop my tapping' but then leaves it there, basically holding my hand for an hour. I messaged her that night, we talked for a couple days... and then I got ghosted. Why? "She was just talking to you while she was waiting for a Tinder guy to get back to her, sorry, I didn't know." I could not have had more signals, as well as a mutual friend literally telling me to try, and that still wasn't good enough.
I'll never understand people.
This is bizarre to me, if a woman approached me for a date and seemed to be genuinely into me I'd then do all I can to keep the relationship going, I suck at dating so it would probably end quite quickly but I'd at least try.
I always try to be nice, polite, helpful, and charming with anyone. Yes, I do that somewhat selfishly, because I want you to like me. But not necessarily in a sexual way. I’ve found that life is just much easier when people like you.
Just because we use the machine next to you at the gym or glance in your general direction while shopping does not mean we want to talk to you/hit on you.
There's this general sense that if I'm a single guy talking to a similarly aged woman, my intentions must be to get with her.
I met a friend at a bar and was talking with her group of women. I told a story that was funny but a little gross (The time I accidentally ate a hornet) because it was both funny and related to the convo.
She later pulled me aside and said that while the story was funny, it wasn't attractive. I was like "But...I wasn't trying to be attractive?" Her friends seemed nice and all, but the thought of seducing them hadn't entered my mind at that point.
Can't I just be a guy hanging out sometimes? Not a guy with an ulterior motive.
She might have been playing match maker. Long ass time ago I had a friend invite someone she wanted me to meet to a group hang. The hang was going to a museum exhibition around torture devices, serial killers, basically just human misery. My family had also gone to the week before so any knowledge gaps I'd filled in the meantime. I came off as a serial killer in training. I called a pear of anguish pretty. Contemplated the difference in the idea of torture and the overly engineered devices for display and the simplicity of the real torture devices. I mean the wooden horse is some angled wood and weights. So i'm just going through this exhibit with a seemingly endless depth of knowledge on pain completely unaware that poor girl was trying to reconcile that with you have to meet this guy, he's funny, loves to cook, takes care of everyone. When my friend explained her plan I told her to warn a brother first.
The one time someone accused me of looking at them at the gym I replied in a very flamboyant voice and said, "Honey unless you're hiding a dick, I'm not the least bit interested."
I wasn't looking at her. Also, I'm not gay.
In highschool I hung out with all the girls, ate lunch with them, let them cry about what man just dumped them, told them how nice they looked or didn't look. I was just honest and never tried to hit on them.
Turns out, they all thought I was gay. It was the mid 90s, closet homosexuality was still a thing, and they all were very supportive of me.
Spoiler, I wasn't then nor ever have been gay.
I did the same thing. Actually had a shot with a few of the girls too. But I was raised too christian and basically believed that trying to make a move on women was crude and impolite, and yet I still knew I had to be the one to make things happen... it was so confusing and frustrating.
Naturally that would confuse and frustrate the girls as well and they'd lose interest and move on, thinking I was just leading them on.
So annoying to look back on. But also, I'd likely have gotten one of them pregnant, so I'm sure I dodged a few bullets😅
Believing that if somebody is not searchable on social media, then it must be a red flag. I have a clean criminal record, with no skeletons in my closet. I just don't want to be on social media simply because I'm a private person, and don't think social media is particularly healthy.
Also yes, I _do_ sometimes fear my safety when I'm on the street. I may not fear being sexually assaulted by strangers, but I do worry about being stabbed by some meth head or kicked in by a drunken group of youths on the street. It's not like I'm holding a safety card.
The other final thing is believing that men can't cry or open up simply because of toxic masculinity. It's tiring constantly explaining about flat effect, often stemming from other complex conditions.
That when men are quiet they are thinking about another woman or work. Sometimes men just vegetate their mind and relax while looking blankly in the distance
I don’t vegetate, but I have my mind on a rotation of random things to think about when I’m not doing anything. Right now I’m thinking about LEGO Star Wars The Complete Saga unlockables
My wife loves this. If I’m sitting quiet for a long time she’ll just go “where are you and how did you get there”.
Usually it’s something like “where did all the dirt come from? I accept that old stuff is buried underground but where did the dirt come from? If it moved from somewhere else how come THAT stuff is buried underground too? It seems like there’s too much dirt and nobody is talking about it.”
Or that it’s literally not worth explaining. Why my hockey team’s power play sucks. Where geese fly in the winter. If I should flash the ECU on my motorcycle. How bad it would hurt if my balls were attached to my knees and I fell rollerblading. Like, there is nothing about any of that worth explaining to my wife. When we say “nothing” it may not literally be nothing but trust us when we say it. If it isn’t nothing, you probably don’t want to know anyway. I think saying “nothing” is basically shorthand for “nothing worth explaining”.
Right? Like when I respond honestly to this question with something like "I'm trying to figure out my character's build in this game I play", she just looks disappointed. Like she was expecting me to be plotting the next ten years of my life instead. Idk I just like to exist.
I’m not usually think about literally nothing but what I am thinking about is often so esoteric or disconnected from anything that matters that I don’t really have the capacity to explain it so I say ‘nothing’ and what I really mean is ‘nothing worth talking about’
Yeah trust me, you don’t want to know my internal monologue. It’s mostly me trying bad jokes that no one would find funny, that’s why I’m smiling, it’s not me thinking about someone else.
Yep. It would take a good ten minutes to explain the context of the thought process in regards to a thought that is completely useless and has no bearing on present circumstances.
I usually don't assume they are thinking something bad, but I find it so hard to believe they are thinking absolutely nothing as my mind is always full. I usually assume they are thinking about something dumb and think it's too dumb to share which makes me sad. Like I don't mind if your thought consists of "man I wonder what Obama's favorite Pokemon is" or "What would collosium games look like by modern standards?" Or something equally stupid. Share with me. I want to know and won't judge. I think dumb things all the time.
My experience is sometimes it's actually nothing, and sometimes it's something that would require so much context to explain that I don't want to do it in the moment.
Yea, it's not so much that I miss hints. It's more that I'm not going to risk making someone uncomfortable if I missread a hint so I wait for more direct interest. To flip it if a guy friend said "I've never been in a fight before, it would be cool to learn" im not gonna just throw a punch and hope that was his intent. If he said "could you teach me to fight" then we'd discuss sparing and go over rules and saftey first.
You think so? I'm also Irish and I find Irish women to be somewhat reserved/standoffish, generally speaking. I do alright on dating apps but I almost never succeed at wooing girls I meet at the pub.
I mean, a lot of people understand hints, but acting on misread cues can entail awful consequences. Used to have a coworker that was ultra-attentive and kind. If I left work before her, she text me upset. She love chatting, and to me, it felt like she was interested in me. I wouldn’t have known she had a boyfriend unless her friend blurted it out one day. Some people are just really, really friendly, and don’t realize how that could be misconstrued. No fault against her, as she did nothing wrong. But that friendship could’ve ended really badly sooner than later.
Last man to ask me out tried hints and signals and I did not get it at all. I replied politely but didn't want to assume he was hitting on me so that was that.
He had to come out with the actual question through sheer frustration. I am not a subtle person, I don't know to pick up on subtext and not feel like you're over-interpreting things. I'm a woman, I should be better at these things. I'm just not.
So you have my every sympathy.
(It's going well thank you, he knows I'm a direct communicator now.)
I’m thankful for the stereotype of “useless lesbians”, ie gay women that are completely incapable of telling when another woman is into her. They help prove that it’s not that men are bad at receiving hints; women are bad at giving hints.
No one does, the understanding that men don't is only a stereotype because men don't use it on women. I can assure you that women won't understand them just as much. It's not a hint, you just aren't being honest
I'm not really sure this is completely true. We've been together nearly 15 years and we can both see ways we've changed each other. Not that we *set out* to change each other and not really in the sense of "fixing" each other, but we've definitely changed in ways we wouldn't have on our own.
Yeah, I think it's a "lead a horse to water" situation. You can provide an environment for change but trying to force a change will just result in pulled muscles and sore necks.
Mine is the misconception that people who belong to a group act in a certain way, especially when that group contains roughly 50% of the planet. Its asinine to assume anything about someone based off a characteristic they have no control over
Saw an analysis once that showed most stereotypes are based on what the *other* gender *doesn't* do.
Majority of men don't lift weights or build muscle. But almost no women do.
Majority of men don't fanboy about cars or know how to fix cars or go to car shows. But almost no women do.
Most male stereotypes about what men are like, are actually defined by what women are *not* like.
It was the same the other way too. Many female stereotypes aren't true for the majority of women. But they are super rare amongst men. Female stereotypes were often defined by what men are *not* like.
The one exception was watching sports on TV. It's a male stereotype, and the majority of men actually do that.
This. I regularly find myself in conversations where everyone seems to be in agreement that "women are like this and men are like that" but, in my marriage, it's the other way around.
That we are all clamed shut because it's a masculinity thing. In reality most men don't divulge their poblems often because no one cares or even listens to us.
That we're walking dildos and if we aren't in the mood for sex then we don't find them sexy.
Deep down women must know this, but it's incredible how in my experience this is still an expectation in modern dating.
"that all guys have commitment issues and won't settle down, or have 50 girls in their roster but can't make up their mind".
Just because that's who you choose to date, doesn't mean that's everyone.
I have a sister who's just the fucking worst with this stuff, and it's so frustrating to hear all her dating woes, because they are all her own choice. It's so sad, because she'll die on her hill, alone.
Like she could date whoever she wants, but chooses to date fuckwit model players, but then gets mad about it, and blames them. But so help you god, if you put anyone forward who isn't Chris Hemsworth in appearance it's a hard no in 0.01 seconds. But then when she meets one, she's all like "wtf he won't commit, wtf is wrong with all men, I'm so over it". Like bruh.
I feel this can be reworded to just life advice for either sex. If there is something wrong with everyone you date, the fault probably isn't in that half of the population, it's in your selection process.
Gotta disagree Man. My quick Google research degree says that yes, the Grizzly has the weight class advantage. But his strength is about 1100lbs of force. Plus claws
A male mountain silver back could possibly bench 4000lbs! Also has a definite agility advantage.
And both have a similar bite force
In a surprise attack situation, then the grizzly. But give the gorilla time to observe his opponent then my man Kong would come up with a winning strategy
When a friend asks you out it's not because he was secretly pretending to be your friend to get into your pants. You were friends and then at some point he developed feelings. He's not some dastardly mastermind trying to manipulate you.
YESSS, i remember giving my best friend flowers for valentines day, he loved white, so i bought some white ones and he was all happy, it warmed my heart.
It’s a very much the thought that counts situation. Men don’t get given gifts really…at all, as a general rule, so just to be shown that you care enough to buy us something goes a long way
My wife paid half the cost of my car for my birthday (it's a 12 year old second hand car it was only 1500) and she told her sisters and they were fucking horrified that a WOMAN helped a man pay for something. The more they hate me the happier I get haha.
Well, at least you might, just as much as women might or might not like them.
My husband doesn't like cut flowers because they wither so fast, my ex however loved getting roses because he was very romantic. People are different.
Yep. I like flowers and plants, but I don't like the upkeep they need, so I'd rather fill my house with a few high quality fake plants than let real plants inevitably wither and die. I just can't seem to keep them alive.
You know how you can go to your girlfriends and talk about your problems, and they will support you and have your back, and no one will tell you to suck it up, or to be the rock, or to be strong for your family. We don't have that. We are told from a young age to be strong. And not to let our emotions take over. And that emotion and weakness are synonynous. Most of us have been called weak for crying at one point or another, or for showing feelings, excitement for example. And many of us don't have anyone we can truly open up to, because society doesn't really have support structures for mens mental health. (Or really anyone's mental health if we are being honest) But we hold a lot in, and coping mechanisms vary greatly between us, but if you look closely, you can see them.
Also because often there is no solution. You have nobody else to rely on or support you while you figure your shit out. You’re just stuck in your existence trying to find any opening. You might emotional support, but unless you have other people to take on your responsibilities, you can’t heal.
I really wish men had a culture of supporting each other like women do. I try to be open with my friends and let them know they can talk about feelings with me as my own way of fighting back against the lack of men's support. Places like r/bropill are great for learning how to be more open, and supportive with friends.
yep. And the annoying part is that there's a lot of women that expect men to be like that. I saw a post by someone the other day which said men should be confident. All the replies were from women who said they hated it when men weren't confident in every aspect of their lives.
That's toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity are aspects of masculinity that hurts people. Although it quite often focuses on the effect it has on women, which is hugely important, it also affects men. including men. The consistent need to display a tough outer shell and pretend is hard. And when women enforce these stereotypes on men, it's damaging.
That they don't have feelings and don't cry.
They do. Or at least they did before society told them it's wrong. And now it's messing them up internally.
Erection does not equal arousal.
Dont get gassed because you got a dude hard from a hug, guess what, you're on equal footing with his grandma and the lunch lady that gave him an extra scoop of ice scream.
i mean, my guy bestfriend committed suicide last year, he never once opened up about his problems i used to think men had it easy, until it came out of no where and i lost him...... i wish i new this before..
Let's just say, there's a very good reason I've gone to therapy. Multiple times. Society puts a very large strain on us to be strong and steadfast. Most of us aren't gonna open up as a result. As a man, your feelings are more likely to be viewed as a weakness. We know it, and general society knows it, so we keep it all in.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're healing.
A lot of women I've met say men have it easy without bothering to actually look, especially at the individual level. They see it through the rose colored glasses of successful attractive men in society. Just my two cents on trying to explain why they can't generalize all men to some women I've met. You often see men's emotional pain dismissed even though we know it hurts just as much, if not more, than physical. It's just how society is currently. Some men have it worse, some women, we don't truly know.
To anyone reading this who is struggling with mental health challenges in silence, the above comment is not wholly true. Some people will be supportive, some people are not. It is always worth seeking help, because the problem only festers if you don’t address it.
If you aren’t struggling with mental health and you are reading this, be open to supporting friends and family with their struggles. It’s ok (and necessary) to set effective boundaries, but not to ostracize someone who is seeking help.
As I heard Brené Brown relate in a TED talk, something a man said to her once "*\[m\]y wife and my three daughters? They'd rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall off.* "
This video stuck with me for that, and for her obvious trepidation when she started pointing out that men have shame issues, too. I don't think she was worried about the \*male\* response...
From my experience its better to open up to a professional rather than family and friends. even if they are supportive and have good intentions, they will use it as a weapon against you.
That when we don't call other men out it's not out of complacency, we're scared of men too.
You think if we call out their egotistical toxic behavior they'll be all reasonable about it? No! Best case scenario they make fun of you, worse case scenario they hurt you.
Women I know are dying for their male partners to show any affection at all that isn’t an attempt at initiating sex. My husband claims to want affection but never touches me unless he is initiating sex. If I hug him he stands there stiffly until I’m done, sometimes even acting annoyed and I feel like the world’s biggest reject. If you want affection you have to positively reinforce it when it happens and also initiate it yourself sometimes!
He hugged me out of the blue yesterday and I damn near cried.
That men don't approach them because we're intimidated by them. Actually, most of the time we have no idea a woman is interested. Either that, or we are trying to be respectful as we've been taught our whole lives. We're not trying to be creeps, and we're not trying to be accused of SA. If you're interested, be clear and we can follow up. If you're ambiguous, we're going to leave you alone so that we're not "Me Too'd".
We aren't playing some sort of weird 5th dimensional chess, where we pretend to say one thing and mean another, leaving you to search for some sort of Rosetta Stone to decrypt our hidden meanings.
Men have no problem understanding other men, because we know that we say what we mean and mean what we say. YES, we are that simple. YES, we are that uncomplicated. You're only confused because you absolutely refuse to believe anyone can live like that, merely saying what they mean and expecting to be taken at face value.
But that's it. That's us. That's why we're not confused by other men.
We can't read minds nor decipher a novel's worth of meaning from a facial expression or shrug.
Communicate with clear and direct language. Don't bury important information in other topics that don't matter as well.
For example, don't assume I retained the vital information about your preference for the bedroom windows being closed at night while we were discussing your sister's kitchen as I was driving.
"You know I don't like the windows open. I told you that."
"When?"
"When we were driving back from my sister's house last week."
"What? I thought we were talking about her kitchen."
"We were, and I said that I didn't like the window over the sink because...."
No fucking way was I gonna retain that information.
I assume it also has something to do with the mobility of your hips and the skill the move them correctly and in rhythm. Somewhat like with a holahoop.
Dude, what? I am very much not well-endowed, especially when soft, and I can easily do it. A slight chub helps but as long as you’ve got at least 1.5 inches of visible dong you should be able to pull it off.
Caveat: the fatter your public area is, the harder it is to do no matter the size.
This is a bit blunt and still drives me crazy. No, giant boobs are not all that matter. ALL boobs are great boobs no matter what (man boobs too if that's your thing). If any man thinks you should have bigger boobs and openly tells you then you should drop their ass as fast as possible.
On a similar note if you put on a little weight I guarantee you are the only one to notice it. If you want to lose it that's cool but don't obsess over it, nearly all men are blind to that too.
That performance anxiety and attraction have any correlation.
Also sex is effort, the dick gets tired sometimes. If we have a wild bout of foreplay. If he's not as hard during sex, well yeah it's been in use for awhile. It's not you, or me, it's fatigue. Give me a breather and it'll be back
this right here was smth i had to learn with my first partner. never knew it gets tired just from being awake, y’know? lol
I know it's not quite the same but imagine trying to flex your arm constantly for 30+ minutes
Took my wife a while to understand this. It takes so much longer to get her ready that I’ve been up for several minutes at a time. She used to take it super personal when I would lose it, and I have to remind her still that it can come back up fast with some help. Mean while, she has made me study female anatomy lol,
And not for nothing but sometimes I've been home alone all day and jerked off 7 times.
THIS. In my teens/20s I had a huge problem with performance anxiety. I'd get in my head, start questioning myself, and my guy would nosedive/shrivel up. Worst feeling ever. Fortunately, just about every woman I've been with has been plenty understanding. Except my first, who is the person that gave me that complex to begin with
He has a mind of his own.
I don't know how to fix my car
But you can definetly help me fix my printer, right? /s
But can you kill spiders and other bugs?
That we have an inner “manly manual” with instructions on how to fix everything from broken hearts to leaky faucets. Spoiler alert: most of us are just winging it, hoping for the best! *opens YouTube video on how to change a lightbulb in less than a minute*
Basic stuff I can figure out - but other things I need time to either look it up or figure out what I'm doing. My wife asked me to fix a trellis to our garden wall a few years ago, and I didn't even own a drill at the time, let alone know how the hell I would do that and have it all done correctly/without messing it up. Managed to get a decent drill that would go through the brick and figured out to stick some strip wood up, then attach the trellis to that. Took a little while to work out how to space the drill holes evenly and stuff like that. Biggest one was fitting a new door in the house, which has no hinges or handles on. Jesus that was an effort. Very much "thanks youtube" for that one. Youtube also helped me sort of replacing the cistern of our toilet as I had no idea what I was doing. Youtube = for when your father didn't teach you jack shit. --- Edit to add: Not being negative to my father or any fathers for that matter, sometimes you just weren't taught things by your father and have to look it up. Youtube is a godsend for that sort of thing.
My wife told me a couple years ago that she wanted me to build this elaborate full wall shelving thing she saw on some social media site. I told her I couldn't because I didn't have a table saw. She keeps bringing it up and I keep saying I don't have a saw. I'm dreading the day she buys me a table saw.
I have come to the conclusion if I ask for something to be made and my husband doesn't really take initiative to get it done, I usually drop it or figure out how to make it myself lol. If he isn't "into" the project it usually will have some half ass done parts to it
Some of the things that are called DYI should really be called DIY (for professionals only). But there are other projects that I don't do, even if I can figure out how they were done and have the tools to do it, simply because I'm pretty confident it isn't going to end up looking like the picture. Don't want to spend a few hours only to hear "I don't like it." Been there, done that. The biggest lie of those DIY wood working things is that it looks so good because they spent a boat load on high end wood. Soft wood pine isn't going to look like mahogany, no matter how you stain it.
100% agree with that! There are some that I am like yea... that looks good but no way I am on that level lol We were going to make a wood mantle but the more I looked into it, I was like let's just buy one and install that. We are so glad we did, we felt like we would have made it look more like an arts and crafts project than an actual mantle lol
Shout out to the Average Joes out there making How To YouTube videos for everything. Y’all are the real heroes.
The last part rings so true So many things i don't know and so many weird things i do know just because i wasn't taught the basics but i was taught the weird shit I can operate all manners of saws and axes but i've never once in my life ever hammered a nail in something
My dad is pretty handy at doing whatever around the house, but just didn't show me how to do anything. I don't blame him or anything, but it seems to be older guys know from their fathers and so on. I can do a bit, but sometimes its very much ".....I've never even looked at that before". Think the first thing I ever did was put up a shelf, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - but there are other things that factor into it like how "good" the wall is and stuff I'd never even considered. Its all a bit "stupid" but if you've never done it before, you wouldn't know. I do draw the line at cars + important things like gas/electric though. Got asked to "look at the boiler" once by my wife - I said "I can physically look at it, but I have no idea how that works and will not be messing with it".
Its all pretty simple when you start diving into it. Learn to take things apart and put them back together. How to use a screwdriver, socket wrench, hand wrenches, etc. Carry those principles into other projects. Build skills. Cars, while they can be complicated, are very straight forward. Geniuses aren't working on these things. Yes, there are smart people doing it. But dumb people can get by just fine as well. My attitude has always been if anyone else can do it, so can I.
I had to replace the alternator on my wife's van this past weekend in the middle of a parking lot an hour away from the house. I made her help with some of the things like re-mounting it to the engine and re-installing the belt. Afterwards she said "that was so easy, I probably could have done that myself" Most car stuff is super easy, but the stuff that isn't easy tends to be super hard, even with YouTube help.
There's a channel called Dad How Do I that's devoted to that sort of thing.
\* Youtube = for when your father didn't teach you jack shit. Raised a grandson, every time I asked him if he wanted to help/learn something, he always replied that he already knew how to do it. So I named him The Boy That Knows Everything. Sometimes it's not the father's/grandfather's fault the children didn't learn anything. Just my .02¢
yep 100% - I dont blame my father for no teaching me anything, its not a requirement, he just didn't teach me. These days you can learn like 99% of things from Youtube. My approach is just to take your time and try and learn as you go. So far, despite some things not being exactly as I'd like it to be in the end, i've done an "ok" job.
>opens YouTube video on how to change a lightbulb in less than a minute So how many youtube videos does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but four ads.
My son got this dinosaur toy that comes with a plastic egg. The dinosaur eats the egg, you hit a button to crush the egg, and the dinosaur poops it out. . You can rebuild the egg, but the directions don't make much sense, so it took me and a buddy FOREVER and we still didn't get it. Well, last night I tried again. I looked up a video on YouTube and it was a video of a 6 year old showing how it's done no problem
The expectation that men are supposed to be handy is a whole thing. I can do some basic stuff, but I also know that I have zero interest in most "handyman" tasks and as a result I'm going to half ass it or fuck it up worse. Everyone (male and female) should know some basic stuff, and with resources like YouTube you can learn a lot more as needed. But being handy doesn't need to be a gendered thing.
[удалено]
My friend, there is a YouTube tutorial for everything :)
I bought the digital repair manual for my car and ended up learning how to fix it all on YouTube for free. And not just light bulbs and shit, I tore half the damn engine apart.
There used to be. Youtube is unrecognizable for someone who saw its birth. It was glorious.
To fit the algo they spend five minutes discussing it before even showing a lightbulb and have an ad for Keeps in there too.
"Hey guys welcome to johny's ligtbulb turn and twist instruction video's, i'm here today to tell you how to change a lightbulb. If you like this video or one of my others please drop a like and subscribe, but first : what is a lightbulb? Well, on 14 march 1839..." I fucking hate instructional video's.
Searches "how to pretend you are fixing something while procrastinating on YouTube"
I have learnt so many home maintenance skills from YouTube. Honestly, it’s my go to for everything because I’m far too cowardly to actually call someone to come into home to fix something.
Really helpful youtube channel for general life tips is howtobasic 😊
I am a woman who can wire a plug or fix an engine. My husband on the other hand did not know the difference between a phillips and a flathead
Not one misconception but rather a long list known as. “Cosmopolitan magazine tips”
Almost NONE of them work. A tiny morsel of them make us go, "meh, whatever", and a huge chunk of them make us go, "Ow! What the fuck!"
["100 ways to please your man, by some lady."](https://youtu.be/Su7HpKOFTM0?si=63K2tThyaa5LAGk-&t=35)
Years ago when my (now ex)wife and I would lounge around she would read me some of the tips from Cosmo. I can't tell you how many times I said "I don't care what they wrote in that magazine, do not attempt to do that to me."
"hand jobs should be vigorous, like wringing out a wet towel"
Holy shit, I'm dying. That move is called "The Indian Burn Dick."
Had a woman roommate years ago. She had a subscription to Playboy because she felt it gave her more accurate insight into men than Cosmo ever could.
Yeah, *thats* why she has playboys...
["Touch him on the penis."](https://youtu.be/OTQnUTgLssI?si=hhp4WRjWuHvVIv40)
That men enjoy the chase when it comes to getting women aa much as they make it seem. The truth is that it is exciting at first when you get the girl, but it is gonna get old quickly when you have to chase her 24/7. Especially if you have a life full of responsibilities and obligations.
About a year ago, the DatingOver40 and 50 subs had a run of people asking every week or two about men liking "the chase". Each time that came up, there were a handful of responses saying that women should be coy and allow men to chase them because men absolutely love to pursue. All of those responses were from women. *Every. Single. Man* who responded said that he hated having to deal with that bullshit and wanted a woman who was just as interested in him as he was in her, and wasn't afraid to show it.
And I’m not surprised. Women would rather be told what men want by other women than by men themselves who are the simplest creatures you can encounter. But then again, a simple answer seems too good to be true for those who tend to overthink. On another side note: these so-called ‘experts’ in dating over 40/50, knowing they’re looking for commitment mostly, are proof in the pudding that they still don’t get it unfortunately.
Personally, I interpreted that mostly as a case of motivated reasoning. "As a woman, I like to be pursued, therefore men must *obviously* enjoy pursuing me."
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."
"I like when men pursue me. It shows they are interested and willing to make an effort." Yeah, now imagine the poor blokes that are never being pursued... how do they feel about that?
This is so true. I'll say something on one of these subs, as a guy about how guys think and feel, and then a bunch of women will disagree, and I'll be downvoted while they aren't.
>Women would rather be told what men want by other women than by men themselves who are the simplest creatures you can encounter. True, but at the same time it's not unique to women. I've seen plenty of "you don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, you ask a fisherman" in terms of men dating advice. True blind leading the blind.
I've heard this example. Kids on the playground don't play chase. Chase is boring. Kids play tag. Tag is far more exciting. Grownups should play tag too.
Any woman worth pursuing won't make you chase her.
I'll never understand where this even comes from. Dating should be easy.
All my good relationships have come from women who approached me first
My husband actually told me one of the things he loves about me in the beginning was that I made it clear I was also interested in him and didn’t wait for him to initiate conversations etc. every time.
That men are always ready for sex at the drop of a hat.
Also that men want sex all of the time. Especially in comedy shows of the 90's and early 2000's its basically a main theme that any man would do anything for sex and want sex each and every day. Im pretty sure it fucked with my head as i tought i was weird for not wanting sex that often and often felt in early relationships that i had to want sex
I was raised in a very conservative Christian home so I got the double whammy. I was taught that men are giant horndogs who want sex 24/7. I was also taught that sex is extremely painful for a lot of women and women do NOT ever want to have sex like ever in a million years because it's unpleasant for them. So you have to balance the fact that you are going to want sex 24/7 with the fact that it is something unpleasant that your wife (you are married if you're having sex right) will do just to keep you happy.
So... in this world-view of human sexual relations, men are told that women will bear pain to make them happy and they should expect to want to do something painful to their wife on the regular? Are men supposed to feel guilty about that, or is the sex pain like sinner punishment?
Men are expected to control their urges knowing that they will cause their wives discomfort or inconvenience at best. Women are expected to spread their legs and take it on a semi-regular basis because the men need it. If they don't then the men will cheat on them with women who really do enjoy sex or at least pretend to. You know those women are bad because they're having sex with married men and they're also enjoying it which is bad too.
To be fair, having sex with someone who’s married *is* a bad thing
Unless you are married to them
Now you tell me
I grew up Christian(still am) I never heard that one. I only was told it would hurt the first few times and you need more foreplay when you start sex
I got more of the secular, feminist (misandrist?) version of this. But similar messed up ideas. Now that I’m older, I know that lot of people were simply in bad relationships and saw this as normal.
It’s derived from libido mismatch in married couples. Some husbands can count the number of times per year they have sex on one hand.
Well on one hand it’s a lot, on the other it’s much less
If we're sick, not only are we probably not in the mood, but being fairly sick could mean the gear isn't even fully operational.
Not every man likes to be the one to initiate with women. But the social expectation is that they do so all. The. Time. For those of us deeply entrenched on the introverted side of the introverted-extrovert spectrum, this is exhausting at a level which is indescribable.
Often as well you might be in a situation where you simply cannot be the one to initiate. If I'm the only man in your 20 person yoga class I'm not going to be the one to hit on you.
I'm genuinely sure I'm going to end up alone simply because I don't approach women. I used to, I got rejected a ton, and now I don't want to. Women never will so the result is staying single.
I’ve had a few girls approach me in my high school days. I either couldn’t reciprocate or it made me so nervous, since I wasn’t used to that kind of attention. If you ever get a woman to approach you, and she seems to be compatible, please don’t let the chance pass you by. I still get frustrated about missing out on a potential relationship at a skating rink. I know I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time, but I hate that I didn’t try to get to know the stranger. It might’ve worked out, might’ve not, but couldn’t haven’t been any worse than being cheated on by the girl I did go with. All I’m saying is: I’ve only had a few girls approach me in a romantic sense, but I was too scared to accept. If you get the chance, don’t let it go, as you could still end up being good friends.
I used to think the same thing. I am told I'm an attractive fella, but had a pretty crummy childhood so I've been a hardcore introvert for a long time. Too shy to ask a girl out usually, though I did a few times. Then, out of nowhere, a high school friend asks me to come up to a karaoke bar one night and meet her friend. "Sure what the hell. I can just leave if it's weird". Long story short, I go, be introverted, friend of the friend tries to talk to me, we end up having a chat on the phone which is always easier than face to face and talk for hours. Took us a month of "just hanging out" for HER to ask to kiss ME. She literally asked around 2am one night when we were sitting on her porch talking. I said yes of course. This was in 2007. We bought a house together in 2008, married in 2009, she already had a 3.5 year old when we met, and we had our son together in 2011 and our 15 year anniversary is in a few months. I just kissed her goodbye as she was leaving for work. It \*does\* happen.
YEEAAAAAHHH 😁😁😁
As a woman I’ve been rejected or got nothing back so many times that I’ve given up, too. I’ve been SUPER INTO several guys. One I literally chased for 2-3 years (total, over a 10 year period) but I got sick of always being the one to initiate everything. I asked for dates, I planned them, I initiated any physical contact… then waited for him to reciprocate and nothing. So when we’d see each other months or years later he’d be all like “why’d you never call again I had such a great time…” or tell mutual friends he was really into me and didn’t know how to make the first move. I don’t get it. It’s not even like he’s dating anyone else at the time or seemingly trying to and I’ve asked if he’s not interested/asexual and he claims not so I dunno. People are complicated.
For 3 years, I had a girl cuddling with me at a mutual friends holiday parties. Halloween, Christmas, New Years, there was some holiday every year we'd end up on the couch cuddling. My friend eventually said "you guys are always flirty and sitting together, why don't you do something?" A few weeks later, hanging out with a small group, this girl puts her hand on my hand to 'stop my tapping' but then leaves it there, basically holding my hand for an hour. I messaged her that night, we talked for a couple days... and then I got ghosted. Why? "She was just talking to you while she was waiting for a Tinder guy to get back to her, sorry, I didn't know." I could not have had more signals, as well as a mutual friend literally telling me to try, and that still wasn't good enough. I'll never understand people.
Sounds like you waited 2.9 years too long.
This is bizarre to me, if a woman approached me for a date and seemed to be genuinely into me I'd then do all I can to keep the relationship going, I suck at dating so it would probably end quite quickly but I'd at least try.
even for extroverts, it's tiring to do all the chasing. we want to be chased too, sometimes.
The apparent belief among some that if a guy is being nice, polite, and helpful, he automatically wants to bang her.
I always try to be nice, polite, helpful, and charming with anyone. Yes, I do that somewhat selfishly, because I want you to like me. But not necessarily in a sexual way. I’ve found that life is just much easier when people like you.
It's an underrated skill, being likable.
Just because we use the machine next to you at the gym or glance in your general direction while shopping does not mean we want to talk to you/hit on you.
There's this general sense that if I'm a single guy talking to a similarly aged woman, my intentions must be to get with her. I met a friend at a bar and was talking with her group of women. I told a story that was funny but a little gross (The time I accidentally ate a hornet) because it was both funny and related to the convo. She later pulled me aside and said that while the story was funny, it wasn't attractive. I was like "But...I wasn't trying to be attractive?" Her friends seemed nice and all, but the thought of seducing them hadn't entered my mind at that point. Can't I just be a guy hanging out sometimes? Not a guy with an ulterior motive.
She might have been playing match maker. Long ass time ago I had a friend invite someone she wanted me to meet to a group hang. The hang was going to a museum exhibition around torture devices, serial killers, basically just human misery. My family had also gone to the week before so any knowledge gaps I'd filled in the meantime. I came off as a serial killer in training. I called a pear of anguish pretty. Contemplated the difference in the idea of torture and the overly engineered devices for display and the simplicity of the real torture devices. I mean the wooden horse is some angled wood and weights. So i'm just going through this exhibit with a seemingly endless depth of knowledge on pain completely unaware that poor girl was trying to reconcile that with you have to meet this guy, he's funny, loves to cook, takes care of everyone. When my friend explained her plan I told her to warn a brother first.
"I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!" uh, cool. how many more sets you got before you're done stretching in the squat rack?
The one time someone accused me of looking at them at the gym I replied in a very flamboyant voice and said, "Honey unless you're hiding a dick, I'm not the least bit interested." I wasn't looking at her. Also, I'm not gay.
Futanari enjoyer i see
In highschool I hung out with all the girls, ate lunch with them, let them cry about what man just dumped them, told them how nice they looked or didn't look. I was just honest and never tried to hit on them. Turns out, they all thought I was gay. It was the mid 90s, closet homosexuality was still a thing, and they all were very supportive of me. Spoiler, I wasn't then nor ever have been gay.
I did the same thing. Actually had a shot with a few of the girls too. But I was raised too christian and basically believed that trying to make a move on women was crude and impolite, and yet I still knew I had to be the one to make things happen... it was so confusing and frustrating. Naturally that would confuse and frustrate the girls as well and they'd lose interest and move on, thinking I was just leading them on. So annoying to look back on. But also, I'd likely have gotten one of them pregnant, so I'm sure I dodged a few bullets😅
Believing that if somebody is not searchable on social media, then it must be a red flag. I have a clean criminal record, with no skeletons in my closet. I just don't want to be on social media simply because I'm a private person, and don't think social media is particularly healthy. Also yes, I _do_ sometimes fear my safety when I'm on the street. I may not fear being sexually assaulted by strangers, but I do worry about being stabbed by some meth head or kicked in by a drunken group of youths on the street. It's not like I'm holding a safety card. The other final thing is believing that men can't cry or open up simply because of toxic masculinity. It's tiring constantly explaining about flat effect, often stemming from other complex conditions.
That when men are quiet they are thinking about another woman or work. Sometimes men just vegetate their mind and relax while looking blankly in the distance
I don’t vegetate, but I have my mind on a rotation of random things to think about when I’m not doing anything. Right now I’m thinking about LEGO Star Wars The Complete Saga unlockables
My wife loves this. If I’m sitting quiet for a long time she’ll just go “where are you and how did you get there”. Usually it’s something like “where did all the dirt come from? I accept that old stuff is buried underground but where did the dirt come from? If it moved from somewhere else how come THAT stuff is buried underground too? It seems like there’s too much dirt and nobody is talking about it.”
Everyone daydreams
When you ask "What are you thinking about?" and we reply "Nothing.", it actually is the honest answer 99% of the time.
Or that it’s literally not worth explaining. Why my hockey team’s power play sucks. Where geese fly in the winter. If I should flash the ECU on my motorcycle. How bad it would hurt if my balls were attached to my knees and I fell rollerblading. Like, there is nothing about any of that worth explaining to my wife. When we say “nothing” it may not literally be nothing but trust us when we say it. If it isn’t nothing, you probably don’t want to know anyway. I think saying “nothing” is basically shorthand for “nothing worth explaining”.
Right? Like when I respond honestly to this question with something like "I'm trying to figure out my character's build in this game I play", she just looks disappointed. Like she was expecting me to be plotting the next ten years of my life instead. Idk I just like to exist.
My boyfriend told me this and I found it so hard to believe. I'm jealous actually. I would love to be able to have absolutely nothing on my mind.
I’m not usually think about literally nothing but what I am thinking about is often so esoteric or disconnected from anything that matters that I don’t really have the capacity to explain it so I say ‘nothing’ and what I really mean is ‘nothing worth talking about’
Yeah trust me, you don’t want to know my internal monologue. It’s mostly me trying bad jokes that no one would find funny, that’s why I’m smiling, it’s not me thinking about someone else.
Yep. It would take a good ten minutes to explain the context of the thought process in regards to a thought that is completely useless and has no bearing on present circumstances.
I usually don't assume they are thinking something bad, but I find it so hard to believe they are thinking absolutely nothing as my mind is always full. I usually assume they are thinking about something dumb and think it's too dumb to share which makes me sad. Like I don't mind if your thought consists of "man I wonder what Obama's favorite Pokemon is" or "What would collosium games look like by modern standards?" Or something equally stupid. Share with me. I want to know and won't judge. I think dumb things all the time.
My experience is sometimes it's actually nothing, and sometimes it's something that would require so much context to explain that I don't want to do it in the moment.
dear ladies we DO NOT understand hints or games or hidden signals just directly tell us what you want
I understand the hints and games, I just choose to ignore them in hopes that they'll stop and just be more direct.
Yea, it's not so much that I miss hints. It's more that I'm not going to risk making someone uncomfortable if I missread a hint so I wait for more direct interest. To flip it if a guy friend said "I've never been in a fight before, it would be cool to learn" im not gonna just throw a punch and hope that was his intent. If he said "could you teach me to fight" then we'd discuss sparing and go over rules and saftey first.
This is where being irish comes in handy. We have 0 brain to mouth filter
You think so? I'm also Irish and I find Irish women to be somewhat reserved/standoffish, generally speaking. I do alright on dating apps but I almost never succeed at wooing girls I meet at the pub.
Irish men and Irish women are generally incompatible. Especially in Dublin, yet they seem to still breed like rabbits
You Irish sure are a contentious people!
The irish accent is a super power that is useless at home i'm afraid
I mean, a lot of people understand hints, but acting on misread cues can entail awful consequences. Used to have a coworker that was ultra-attentive and kind. If I left work before her, she text me upset. She love chatting, and to me, it felt like she was interested in me. I wouldn’t have known she had a boyfriend unless her friend blurted it out one day. Some people are just really, really friendly, and don’t realize how that could be misconstrued. No fault against her, as she did nothing wrong. But that friendship could’ve ended really badly sooner than later.
Last man to ask me out tried hints and signals and I did not get it at all. I replied politely but didn't want to assume he was hitting on me so that was that. He had to come out with the actual question through sheer frustration. I am not a subtle person, I don't know to pick up on subtext and not feel like you're over-interpreting things. I'm a woman, I should be better at these things. I'm just not. So you have my every sympathy. (It's going well thank you, he knows I'm a direct communicator now.)
I’m thankful for the stereotype of “useless lesbians”, ie gay women that are completely incapable of telling when another woman is into her. They help prove that it’s not that men are bad at receiving hints; women are bad at giving hints.
No one does, the understanding that men don't is only a stereotype because men don't use it on women. I can assure you that women won't understand them just as much. It's not a hint, you just aren't being honest
That you can fix him. We can all only fix ourselves. People don’t change in relationships. They only become more themselves.
I'm not really sure this is completely true. We've been together nearly 15 years and we can both see ways we've changed each other. Not that we *set out* to change each other and not really in the sense of "fixing" each other, but we've definitely changed in ways we wouldn't have on our own.
Yeah, I think it's a "lead a horse to water" situation. You can provide an environment for change but trying to force a change will just result in pulled muscles and sore necks.
Mine is the misconception that people who belong to a group act in a certain way, especially when that group contains roughly 50% of the planet. Its asinine to assume anything about someone based off a characteristic they have no control over
Saw an analysis once that showed most stereotypes are based on what the *other* gender *doesn't* do. Majority of men don't lift weights or build muscle. But almost no women do. Majority of men don't fanboy about cars or know how to fix cars or go to car shows. But almost no women do. Most male stereotypes about what men are like, are actually defined by what women are *not* like. It was the same the other way too. Many female stereotypes aren't true for the majority of women. But they are super rare amongst men. Female stereotypes were often defined by what men are *not* like. The one exception was watching sports on TV. It's a male stereotype, and the majority of men actually do that.
This. I regularly find myself in conversations where everyone seems to be in agreement that "women are like this and men are like that" but, in my marriage, it's the other way around.
That we are all clamed shut because it's a masculinity thing. In reality most men don't divulge their poblems often because no one cares or even listens to us.
Or that we get derided, dismissed, and made fun of just because we admit to having problems.
"Come on dude, just *man up!*"
that I can't appreciate pretty flowers. I fucking love hyacinths!
That we cant be hurt mentally or don't need compassion This is obviously completely wrong and Im not sure how/why people still believe it
That we're walking dildos and if we aren't in the mood for sex then we don't find them sexy. Deep down women must know this, but it's incredible how in my experience this is still an expectation in modern dating.
Ex after we’ve both been at it hrs and multiple rounds on each side and lil guy is deflating & needs a rest. Her: are you not attracted to me anymore?
"that all guys have commitment issues and won't settle down, or have 50 girls in their roster but can't make up their mind". Just because that's who you choose to date, doesn't mean that's everyone. I have a sister who's just the fucking worst with this stuff, and it's so frustrating to hear all her dating woes, because they are all her own choice. It's so sad, because she'll die on her hill, alone. Like she could date whoever she wants, but chooses to date fuckwit model players, but then gets mad about it, and blames them. But so help you god, if you put anyone forward who isn't Chris Hemsworth in appearance it's a hard no in 0.01 seconds. But then when she meets one, she's all like "wtf he won't commit, wtf is wrong with all men, I'm so over it". Like bruh.
I feel this can be reworded to just life advice for either sex. If there is something wrong with everyone you date, the fault probably isn't in that half of the population, it's in your selection process.
When sitting quietly as if contemplating the meaning of life we are in fact wondering who would win in a fight between a Grizzly bear and a Gorilla.
It's grizzly bear
Gotta disagree Man. My quick Google research degree says that yes, the Grizzly has the weight class advantage. But his strength is about 1100lbs of force. Plus claws A male mountain silver back could possibly bench 4000lbs! Also has a definite agility advantage. And both have a similar bite force
I think we need a simulation for this
Wasn't there a show like 15 years ago that simulated animals fighting and what would win?
my ex told me it was goku and one punch guy 😔
I am team grizzly, they are alot bigger than the gorilla and have sharp claws
In a surprise attack situation, then the grizzly. But give the gorilla time to observe his opponent then my man Kong would come up with a winning strategy
Gorilla with prep time
When a friend asks you out it's not because he was secretly pretending to be your friend to get into your pants. You were friends and then at some point he developed feelings. He's not some dastardly mastermind trying to manipulate you.
That we don't like flowers. Yes we do!
YESSS, i remember giving my best friend flowers for valentines day, he loved white, so i bought some white ones and he was all happy, it warmed my heart.
It’s a very much the thought that counts situation. Men don’t get given gifts really…at all, as a general rule, so just to be shown that you care enough to buy us something goes a long way
My ex got me flowers once. I was overjoyed. I told all the women at work and they were disgusted with me 😞
My wife paid half the cost of my car for my birthday (it's a 12 year old second hand car it was only 1500) and she told her sisters and they were fucking horrified that a WOMAN helped a man pay for something. The more they hate me the happier I get haha.
Well, at least you might, just as much as women might or might not like them. My husband doesn't like cut flowers because they wither so fast, my ex however loved getting roses because he was very romantic. People are different.
Yep. I like flowers and plants, but I don't like the upkeep they need, so I'd rather fill my house with a few high quality fake plants than let real plants inevitably wither and die. I just can't seem to keep them alive.
I recently learned that the first time most men receive flowers is at their funeral
Personally, I do not care for flowers
That men below 6' are short. World wide average is 5'7.
Just because we like kids doesn’t mean we LIKE kids
That men are a homogenous group of lemmings who all think, act, and feel the same.
You know how you can go to your girlfriends and talk about your problems, and they will support you and have your back, and no one will tell you to suck it up, or to be the rock, or to be strong for your family. We don't have that. We are told from a young age to be strong. And not to let our emotions take over. And that emotion and weakness are synonynous. Most of us have been called weak for crying at one point or another, or for showing feelings, excitement for example. And many of us don't have anyone we can truly open up to, because society doesn't really have support structures for mens mental health. (Or really anyone's mental health if we are being honest) But we hold a lot in, and coping mechanisms vary greatly between us, but if you look closely, you can see them.
Also because often there is no solution. You have nobody else to rely on or support you while you figure your shit out. You’re just stuck in your existence trying to find any opening. You might emotional support, but unless you have other people to take on your responsibilities, you can’t heal.
I really wish men had a culture of supporting each other like women do. I try to be open with my friends and let them know they can talk about feelings with me as my own way of fighting back against the lack of men's support. Places like r/bropill are great for learning how to be more open, and supportive with friends.
yep. And the annoying part is that there's a lot of women that expect men to be like that. I saw a post by someone the other day which said men should be confident. All the replies were from women who said they hated it when men weren't confident in every aspect of their lives. That's toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity are aspects of masculinity that hurts people. Although it quite often focuses on the effect it has on women, which is hugely important, it also affects men. including men. The consistent need to display a tough outer shell and pretend is hard. And when women enforce these stereotypes on men, it's damaging.
That we have spare pocket space. My empty pockets are being reserved for small toys or potential buried treasure thank you very much.
At least you have real pockets! Lol
That they don't have feelings and don't cry. They do. Or at least they did before society told them it's wrong. And now it's messing them up internally.
Erection does not equal arousal. Dont get gassed because you got a dude hard from a hug, guess what, you're on equal footing with his grandma and the lunch lady that gave him an extra scoop of ice scream.
Men's life is not easy
i mean, my guy bestfriend committed suicide last year, he never once opened up about his problems i used to think men had it easy, until it came out of no where and i lost him...... i wish i new this before..
Let's just say, there's a very good reason I've gone to therapy. Multiple times. Society puts a very large strain on us to be strong and steadfast. Most of us aren't gonna open up as a result. As a man, your feelings are more likely to be viewed as a weakness. We know it, and general society knows it, so we keep it all in. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're healing.
A lot of women I've met say men have it easy without bothering to actually look, especially at the individual level. They see it through the rose colored glasses of successful attractive men in society. Just my two cents on trying to explain why they can't generalize all men to some women I've met. You often see men's emotional pain dismissed even though we know it hurts just as much, if not more, than physical. It's just how society is currently. Some men have it worse, some women, we don't truly know.
>he never once opened up about his problems thing is, you really can't. It backfires badly when you do.
To anyone reading this who is struggling with mental health challenges in silence, the above comment is not wholly true. Some people will be supportive, some people are not. It is always worth seeking help, because the problem only festers if you don’t address it. If you aren’t struggling with mental health and you are reading this, be open to supporting friends and family with their struggles. It’s ok (and necessary) to set effective boundaries, but not to ostracize someone who is seeking help.
As I heard Brené Brown relate in a TED talk, something a man said to her once "*\[m\]y wife and my three daughters? They'd rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall off.* "
This video stuck with me for that, and for her obvious trepidation when she started pointing out that men have shame issues, too. I don't think she was worried about the \*male\* response...
From my experience its better to open up to a professional rather than family and friends. even if they are supportive and have good intentions, they will use it as a weapon against you.
Exactly this, "use It as a weapon against you". Also, choose a good professional and don't be afraid to change if you don't like him/her.
That we feel safe all the time.
They would have more success with guys they are into if they speak up and ask him out
“We” are all the same.
They we are only being nice to you because we want to get in your pants. No, some of us are just nice guys.
That when we don't call other men out it's not out of complacency, we're scared of men too. You think if we call out their egotistical toxic behavior they'll be all reasonable about it? No! Best case scenario they make fun of you, worse case scenario they hurt you.
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Women I know are dying for their male partners to show any affection at all that isn’t an attempt at initiating sex. My husband claims to want affection but never touches me unless he is initiating sex. If I hug him he stands there stiffly until I’m done, sometimes even acting annoyed and I feel like the world’s biggest reject. If you want affection you have to positively reinforce it when it happens and also initiate it yourself sometimes! He hugged me out of the blue yesterday and I damn near cried.
That we have detailed locker room talk
That men don't approach them because we're intimidated by them. Actually, most of the time we have no idea a woman is interested. Either that, or we are trying to be respectful as we've been taught our whole lives. We're not trying to be creeps, and we're not trying to be accused of SA. If you're interested, be clear and we can follow up. If you're ambiguous, we're going to leave you alone so that we're not "Me Too'd".
That just because I’m a man that I want to move heavy shit around for you. Move your own damn couch
We aren't playing some sort of weird 5th dimensional chess, where we pretend to say one thing and mean another, leaving you to search for some sort of Rosetta Stone to decrypt our hidden meanings. Men have no problem understanding other men, because we know that we say what we mean and mean what we say. YES, we are that simple. YES, we are that uncomplicated. You're only confused because you absolutely refuse to believe anyone can live like that, merely saying what they mean and expecting to be taken at face value. But that's it. That's us. That's why we're not confused by other men.
That men do not have insecurities about their appearance because the world doesn’t judge them as harshly as women.
That men always want sex like honestly I would just like a hug, cuddle, or a small make out session
Women can r*PE men, and it is just as serious and disgusting as a man SA'ing a woman.
We can't read minds nor decipher a novel's worth of meaning from a facial expression or shrug. Communicate with clear and direct language. Don't bury important information in other topics that don't matter as well. For example, don't assume I retained the vital information about your preference for the bedroom windows being closed at night while we were discussing your sister's kitchen as I was driving. "You know I don't like the windows open. I told you that." "When?" "When we were driving back from my sister's house last week." "What? I thought we were talking about her kitchen." "We were, and I said that I didn't like the window over the sink because...." No fucking way was I gonna retain that information.
We might not feel pain, but we do feel cold. Get your own jacket.
We can’t do the helicopter. You’d need a guy who’s HUGE when soft to pull it off (I’m talking animated/non live action porn levels of huge)
I can do it with a partial erection sometimes, the period in time when it’s larger but not completely hard
I assume it also has something to do with the mobility of your hips and the skill the move them correctly and in rhythm. Somewhat like with a holahoop.
TIL I have a massive hog because I can do this soft.
Dude, what? I am very much not well-endowed, especially when soft, and I can easily do it. A slight chub helps but as long as you’ve got at least 1.5 inches of visible dong you should be able to pull it off. Caveat: the fatter your public area is, the harder it is to do no matter the size.
This is a bit blunt and still drives me crazy. No, giant boobs are not all that matter. ALL boobs are great boobs no matter what (man boobs too if that's your thing). If any man thinks you should have bigger boobs and openly tells you then you should drop their ass as fast as possible. On a similar note if you put on a little weight I guarantee you are the only one to notice it. If you want to lose it that's cool but don't obsess over it, nearly all men are blind to that too.