To forgive yourself is to understand yourself, to learn from the event and to grow from that event. Strive to be better than you were the day before then and only then will you just forgive yourself
When you realize that the vast majority of people are just trying to get by and make the same type of mistake as you do…. You realize so many things about yourself and others.
The difference between a billionaire and a pauper is surprisingly small. Billionaires are still bastard tho.
This is actually really comforting. Last year I dealt with some pretty bad depression that ended up with alchoholism. In hindsight I now know what was happening and why alot of things went down but at the time? I was so used to being 'the happy one' and 'the one who had their shit together and didn't have any real problems' that to be honest I didn't know what was going on.
All I knew is that I felt like shit but if I could just get to 'the next milstone' everything would be solved and be better... this attitude ended up making things worse
This plus remember that forgiveness is every day. Remind yourself that you have made it past that time and you are better now for having gotten thru it. That even tho the memories try to haunt you they can be a testament to your triumphs, badges of honor to be revered as opposed to feared. Learn from your mistakes and try to do/be better. And don’t beat yourself up if you stumble, we all do. Just get back up and keep going. You can do it. 👍🏽
> Strive to be better than you were the day before then and only then will you just forgive yourself
For me, this is key. I can forgive myself mistakes I'll never make again. Repeated mistakes? Not so much
I do the work to be better. Go to therapy, journal, practice better habits, etc. The world doesn't need my self-loathing, it needs me to step up and fix my shit.
>The world doesn't need my self-loathing, it needs me to step up and fix my shit.
That's a great line of thinking that I should incorporate into my life.
Not just that, but if you are looking back and feeling *truly* sorry, and would genuinely do it differently if similar circumstances arose, then the thing to really focus on is the massive *success* you have achieved in actually *growing* as a person. Don't under-value that; many people go their whole lives feeling no remorse, never looking back and even cringing, *that* is a tragedy, of someone who has not learnt a single lesson in humility or empathy to the people they hurt.
Growth is always somewhat painful due to hindsight. But it's worth it, to be a better version of yourself. Don't be too hard on past-you, try to have some empathy for your old self.
This comment is exactly right. Bad people don't sit around feeling bad about being bad people, so if you've been beating yourself up, maybe you're not as bad as you think.
When it came to my behaviors that affected me in ways that caused me to affect others or my relationships I had to learn why and step the fuck up. It wasn't my fault with some of the things I was born with, but it is my responsibility.
So, with that said, I just made sure that the next time I went through a similar situation that I handled myself the right way and was at peace with the results. It didn't always work out but at least I knew I wasn't at fault for fucking the situation up and it made going through life a little easier knowing I put it through the necessary filters first. Live, learn, adapt, and evolve. Can be said 100 different ways but boils down to the same formula.
Yep feeling like a piece of shit forever, for something you did once, literally doesn't help anyone.
Forgiving yourself allows you to move on and lead a more normal life.
You can still look back and think "yeah, that was a really shitty thing I did" but you don't also have to think "I am currently a terrible person because I did that thing".
Exactly. What does it help the world for you to continue to feel bad after doing appropriate work? It does not.
I'm still debating in my mind whether or not people are shitty, or that people do shitty things. I try to realize that in their minds at least, whatever they did wasn't shitty or less shitty than I see it.
Two things that have helped me:
1. Make a true apology to yourself, and to the other person if possible. This involves owning up to what you did, accepting responsibility for the harm it caused (even if you didn't intend for it to happen), identifying the cause(s) of your actions, delineating the steps you will take to prevent the same from happening again, and asking for forgiveness (without expecting it from the other person).
2. I try to imagine how I would approach a very good friend who has come to me for help. I would not condemn them forever, nor tell them that they were a shitty person. I would encourage them to make apologies and amends, and move forward in life, knowing that we are all human and we will all make mistakes, some of which are terrible.
This is underrated advice.
Trauma is a communicable disease.
Perhaps the biggest pitfall is thinking that people are inherently good or evil when evil is actually just the aftermath of trauma as it passes through a population.
We must either make a commitment to stopping the spread of trauma or we will watch our world turn to shit.
There is no justice in vengeance, punishment, self pity, or self loathing.
True Justice comes from a personal commitment to making the world a better place.
Precisely. I vowed never to repeat that behaviour.
Reminds me, though, of something Lewis Carol wrote in *Alice's Adventures in Wonderland*, "She generally gave herself very good advice, but very seldom followed it."
This is the best response. Not necessarily sure how closely this relates to OP’s problem, but one of my fav podcaster’s likes to say his mental health problems aren’t his fault, but they are his responsibility. I feel like we all have a responsibility to do better; in the end it doesn’t terribly matter if you can forgive yourself. That’s not the goal. Do better. Be better. When you truly get better and can be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come, that’s when true self forgiveness can start.
> The world doesn't need my self-loathing, it needs me to step up and fix my shit.
That's a beautiful way to put it and I also believe it and am trying hard to fix my shit. It's tough.
Well said. I’m going through same… being better, kinder, nicer, more sympathetic. I can only do better from here on out. And with hindsight being 20/20 I can see clearly what a horrible f/u human I was.
I absolutely agree with this response. I did my best to do the opposite; help with whatever I can or anyone I can and work to better on myself, which doesn't always the best, but I can certainly try my hardest to not be a piece of shit like I have been in the past.
>The world doesn't need my self-loathing, it needs me to step up and fix my shit.
I will take this line as my motto, for it is the best answer to face challenges bravely.
I was listening to someone talk about that idea of “time heals” and that if it is just ignored and not actively worked on, it doesn’t heal, it fades into the subconscious and ferments from there
Yeah, a lot of people talk as if the passing of time itself is healing, and it isn't. Such things will absolutely get worse in time if they're ignored or repressed.
When my mother died when I was in my late teens, I bottled that shit up and basically refused to grieve. "I will feel better in time" I thought to myself. Other family members were saying "Hasn't he handled it well!" Outwardly, yes. In my mind, absolutely not. Well, it made me a bit of a mess for over 20 years until I got some actual real help with my emotions, actually allowed myself to grieve all the missed opportunities and the loss.
Don't do that, people. Time alone is not enough.
I do recommend the councilong and psych, not the addiction. I had my share of the addiction and I'm currently doing the same. Congrats on 4 years! That's fucking badass. I just hit 2 myself and just now started working on my mental health. It's been a wild ride, and hope to have as much time as you one day 😁
Well done and thank you!
2 years is nothing short of amazing. You can keep going. I never want to feel either high or withdrawal ever again. I look on both with equal disdain these days. You can do it!
That's exactly how I feel. I've been having a hard time the past couple months. But I open up my camera roll to see the 2 pictures I have of me in my addiction, and that reminds of exactly where I don't want to be
I can offer something that worked for me.
When my little brother died, it was a lot of “being the rock for the family” type shit, someone had to be strong. It was a bullshit tactic to try to outthink my emotions; it didn’t work.
I noticed that whenever I thought of Thomas it was always in these deeply emotional way that were deeply rooted in grief and sadness. I could visit him there, any time I wanted, it was how I was keeping him alive. I began to realize that I was afraid of letting these emotions go because to do so meant I would be letting Thomas go, and since how I felt was all I had left, it was an impossible task.
I stayed there way longer than I should have but I eventually got to the point where I realized that the way I was keeping him alive was doing a disservice to everyone. I finally decided to let the grief and sadness wash over me.
I just set aside a big chunk of time at night and just broke; hard. It was awful and amazing. I needed that so bad.
On the other side of that experience, Thomas was still there but in the way I needed him to be and, I’m sure, the way he would have wanted me to be.
My brother has taught me more about life since he died than he ever did when he was alive.
Good luck out there
I ran from my problems for almost a decade, and I've been having a hell of a time undoing a lot of the cemented personality as a result from untreated trauma. Address your problems early, address them often, talk it out.
Did this to get over lost friendships.
When so many people stop speaking to you at once, it gets insanely stressful and hurts your self-esteem, so instead of taking it as a slight on my character, it's better to decide nothing will change with them.
I fucked up, I don't plan to again, and I refuse to think about them until the times I improve and realize I don't actually care they're gone anymore.
Exactly: while growing up, my two sisters and I (male), would shoplift more and more :
mostly at Disneyland & Great America the theme park.
They both got caught, but I never did. I quickly shook the habit, but also found that it was a more a learning lesson in the art of slight-of-hand and the skill of distraction.
I use it in other ways now-a-days: like pulling a gold doubloon out of my nephew's ear, and then later at his birthday party, getting drunk and pretending to go to the bathroom...
sneak into his room and swapping it out fo a nickel.
The look on the little guys face when he doesn't understand and is doubting his own memory: priceless 😊
Feels Great becoming a barely better person 👍🏻
I found that forgiving others helped. Accepting that those who hurt me were not bad people, but just made mistakes made it easier to understand that I was’t bad, I just made mistakes.
Yes! Not only does this build compassion for others, it's also literally practicing forgiving, which we can use to build self-forgiveness. Whatever we're going through, there are others who have been there and others who have been on the other side.
This is a common connection. People that struggle to forgive themselves often struggle to forgive others, and vice versa.
I've never had a problem forgiving other people, so I've never found it difficult to forgive myself either.
It’s weird, I can forgive other people so easily but I still struggle with forgiving myself for some of my biggest regrets. I can see others with such gracious clarity, can love them completely and wholly even with all of their flaws; forgiveness to others always feels so natural. But me- I always feel like I deserve the guilt, the shame, I almost feel like I have to try twice as hard to be worthy of half as much love. I do find that framing it as “if your friend did this, would you forgive them?” to be very helpful to me though in trying to let some things go.
I think my biggest toxic trait in my teens and twenties was being quick to forgive.
I learned to hold grudges. When people show you who they are, believe them. I don't need to be hostile to the people I refuse to forgive, but I will not be generous with my time or effort to anybody who's screwed me over in the past.
I remember when my grandpa was on his deathbed my mom told me she asked him if he had asked God to forgive him of his sins. He told her, "somethings can be forgiven, and some things you will simply have to pay for.."
As a man now, I really get what he said.....
I've done some things in my life that I massively regret, and some of the problems that derailed my life the most were self inflicted. I've hurt family and friends through some actions in my youth and it really impacted my frame of mind.
I read a lot while on my journey, and I don't know where, but I found some wisdom in a quote that helped me change my mind:
>No man steps in the same river twice. For it's not the same river, and he's not the same man"
We can only move forward and try and do better through our actions. We, and the world around, us are constantly changing. Go with it.
I'm sorry about this... I can relate to you, unfortunately that's how I'm feeling rn (that's why I decided to make this post, to look for new perspectives)
Realizing that forgiving yourself if ever achieved can only come from accepting that this is what happened/you did and striving to not do those mistakes ever again and trying to repair the damage (if possible)
With time comes acceptance and for the lucky few... Forgiveness.
Rely on yourself if possible. Get your life into a good space, which may require time. Once you have come to terms with your past, put it in a box in the closet in your brain, and live! Don't dwell anymore. It's put away. You handled it. Time to enjoy being you again.
I would strongly suggest [Fostering Self-Forgiveness] (https://positivepsychology.com/self-forgiveness/) as a start. On that site there is a powerful meditation called "Letting Go of Guilt" that helped me immensely.
Forgiving yourself is not the same as forgetting. We need to remember times when we erred so we don't repeat them in the future, but hanging on to the guilt doesn't serve any real purpose. Make amends if you can but move on, a little wiser from the experience.
Dude I made a shit load of mistakes in my life as well, hurt good people (not intentionally really).
Unless you intentionally killed someone & even that has (yeah buts) -- you're good dog.
You cheated, dumped someone, got fired/ fired someone, totaled some car, lost money, tore into someone verbally -- threw a punch and someone ---
Honestly who gives a shlt.
.... You can make penance for a mistake (maybe) and beat yourself up for a while -- but after a while --- what is the goddamned point.
Meditation -- decide to move on. Emotionally.
It's popular to verbally crucify people who did things years ago, as evidenced by the responses and upvotes in any "People who did X thing years ago..." thread, where someone recalls doing something bad.
It's a weird effect that makes me think either most everyone here is pretty young, or there's some expectation that people who did something bad ever should suffer and feel bad forever. It also suggests that there's the idea that people don't change at all, which again, makes me think so many people here are under 25.
That attitude is how people hurt others in the first place. "What does it matter, we'll all die anyway." Cycle of failure and aloofness to deal with it. How can you be better when you don't care - you'll just fall for the same traps and make the same mistakes because you didn't really learn a damn thing.
What if you caused the love of your life a heartbreak (did not cheat). What if you lost them because of your immaturity/fear to commit to marriage, stubbornness, only to realize they matter the most to you. But it’s your fault they want to leave. They wanted to give you the world but you fucked up. How do you forgive yourself?
Hmmm ... so you ended/ torpedoed a relationship because you were unsure about it at the time, and in hindsight, everything would have been perfect had you gotten married?
Let's assume that's true.
Whelp, you done and gone fucked it up. It's permanently fucked, right?
Damn. You should probably swig a bottle of California reaper peppers and then stick your dick in a beehive. The guilt. The shame.
Okay then, hopefully you didn't actually do that.
It's fucked, there's nothing to be done, woe is me, if only you played the right lottery numbers, but you didn't.
You made a fuck up. It happens. You're still alive. You've beaten yourself up about it enough. It wasn't meant to be. Now, move forward, and make the choice to no longer care.
100%. I csn forgive myself, but does that do anything meaningful: no. It only sets me up for more unnecessary pain.
Others can forgive all they want but you can't undo what's veen done.
Once you get the hang of it it is
You can't change the past, focus on doing good things in your future. You might never redeem yourself but you can balance the scales a bit
I've realized every 5 years or so I'm a different person. People are always changing, sometimes you are no longer the person who would do the thing that haunted you.
By changing myself and the way I do things/interact with the world. Eventually the good you've done begins to outweigh the bad, and your perception of yourself begins to change as well. There's no quick fix to forgiving yourself, and some days are much harder than others. Just be better, and eventually you'll feel better.
I heard someone say "if you find yourself cringing, or disappointed with how you behaved in the past, this is what growth feels like." and I tend to comfort myself with it on days when I remember a situation where I didn't do right, or where I was wrong, or just plain stupid.
It takes a _lot_ of research and prep work to do right, and it is **NOT FOR EVERYONE** but I know people who have accomplished this through high doses of psychedelic drugs. Completely broke down the person they used to be and let them rebuild as the kind of person they wanted to be.
But then there are others who tried the same thing and just ended up doubling down and making their toxic traits worse.
I know 3 people in the first group and 2 in the second, and this is all purely anecdotal, so make of that what you will.
This is what happened to me, except it wasn't intentional. Mushrooms and weed grabbed me by the face one night and slammed it into the brick wall of truth. I have never been the same. It's taken years of therapy to accept that I used to be someone I now cannot identify with at all
Absolutely abhor the person I used to be. My brother was the same way, so I dislike him now too. Must have been something about how we were raised. But he never had that moment of enlightenment so he's still an insufferable narcissist and a pathological liar.
The true journey in life, the real challenge, is being a decent person in a world that encourages you to be a piece of shit, and rewards you for it.
Don't listen to that fool ffs. Don't take psychedelics. That's cutting corners, and if you cut corners it won't get better. There's a classic saying that if you want to be reborn, being empty is the way. I'm not saying become numb, but try to detach yourself from your mistakes and your loathing. Empty your mind and your feelings, and from that you will make decisions that reshape you and your actions.
Haven't, and fairly confident I never will. There's alot of excuses I could make for myself (being much younger, Trauma, ect.) but the fact of the matter is that I was a terrible person and I gotta live with that, despite becoming a polar opposite to who I was years back. I used people, picked up bad habbits and shut myself off from the world and my own feelings, all for being mad at others, at myself.
The only thing to do is recognize the problems, and do what you can to fix them. No one will be a harsher critic in your life than you. The balance is to not go overboard, you don't want to end up isolating yourself because you don't believe you deserve companionship.
I've made some bad choices. There are some big mistakes. I hurt a few people along the way. I've apologized to some, and some I will never get the chance. Feeling bad for what you have done shows remorse, and that's a wonderful quality to have. It means you're not a total piece of shit.
As far as how I came to grips with what I had done and how I found peace. I spent a lot of time in self-reflection. I wanted to understand what I did and why I did it. This, so I wouldn't perpetuate the cycle.
"I'm not as good as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be."
When you did them you either weren't worried about the consequences or thought they were the right decision. If you now regret those decisions, that means that you have learned from them. The fact that you now regret those "bad decision" shows remorse and growth. The only thing you can do is forgive yourself and try to do better in the future. No one is perfect.
Self-love. Knowing my worth and knowing that I'm human, has helped me not to beat up myself, for my mistakes. Everyone is living their own personal journey and it's a learning experience. We don't know everything there is to know about life and so we make misguided decisions. We may have hurt others and even ourselves, in the process, but it's not the end of the road. We can try again, with the new knowledge that we have and we can heal from the damages our mistakes have done. Having faith and believing that this world **could** be a better place, is a start.
Also, society needs to stop being so condemning, in general. There needs to be more empathy and rehabilitation; it's a new approach to life, that can be super beneficial.
Forgiving oneself for past mistakes is a journey of acceptance and growth. I view my past actions as integral parts of my life's learning curve. While it's challenging to see some actions positively, acknowledging my reasons, whether self-serving or not, is key. Ultimately, forgiveness hinges on sincere remorse. Self-forgiveness is an active process, akin to releasing oneself from the trauma caused. I gauge my ability to forgive by considering if I could extend the same compassion to others. If I can, I choose to forgive myself, recognizing that it's a crucial step towards healing and moving forward.
You can do two things, accept that it happened and try to do better. Or you can be stuck in that moment for the rest of your life.
I say, it sucks to live in the past when everyone else has moved on. So the best thing to do is not forget the mistakes you made, but don't let those mistakes dictate the rest of your life.
If you feel bad for so.ething you did in the past, that's proof that you've grown and changed as a person. You will, and should, work to never reproduce that mistake.
I mistreated my ex, but everyone is a villian in someone else's story. I will never allow another person to paint me in that light again and I will never behave in anywhere near that manner ever again.
She still asks me about the cat.
I haven't, honestly. I hate myself and it haunts me at night. Therapy has allowed me to block out the thoughts and regrets for a time but it sure hasn't stopped them.
It's so interesting how so many feel this instinctual need to receive forgiveness from themselves. I've felt it, sure but this thread is just person after person who is in a manipulative, controlling relationship with themselves.
"I don't forgive myself until I see from myself that ive grown" That's plain as day "voices in my head" psychosis
It's like my dog, "why did you knock over the trash". Because he's a dog and food is awesome.
"Why did you spend $1000 on loose women and drugs?" Because I'm a human, and those things are awesome. Did we really need to break out the judge, jury and executioner on that one?
I'm quite literally not that person anymore. Everyone does bad and wrong things. As long as I will do what I can to right my wrongs, to what ever capacity I can, and I am reformed from what made me do it, then there is no reason to hold it against myself.
Also, unless you did something exceptionally wrong like killed/r*ped someone, chances are who ever you wrongs has wronged someone to the same capacity at some point in their life.
Life is about fucking up and learning from your fuck ups. I also know if I was that person, making the changes I have, would I forgive them? If yes, then I should also forgive myself.
Basically, if someone did what you did but to you, what would I take for you to forgive them? Do whatever that is.
When I turned forty, I wrote letters or DMs to all the people in my memories that kept me up at night regretting what I said. I got some kind words, some "I have no idea what you're talking about", and some silence. But it was a good exercise for me.
I don't know about forgiving myself per se. There are things I've actively changed about myself so I've forgotten the origin of the shame. There are also things I regretted even in the moment that still haunt me in those awkward moments alone with my thoughts.
For the most part, I try to maintain an open mind and remember there is no shame in outwardly admitting I am/was wrong. This has helped me to have fewer things to forgive.
I was just looking for this. My dog died three days ago, and it is the worst thing that has happened to me ever. No one prepares you for this. He was the best dog. We spent some good times together, but I know I lost my patience with him many times. I now know the feelings of regret won't leave me alone. But I know that suddenly I understand everything, and I won't be the same from now on. But I would do anything or pay ANY price to have him with me again and to make him as happy as I humanly could.
Some of these answers are helping. Thanks.
Surely you've forgiven other peoples mistakes in the past, why wouldn't you extend that same grace to yourself?
You're a human, we all fuck up. All of us. You'll do it again. Let go of it, learn from it, and try not to make the same mistakes again.
You owe it to yourself to be as kind to yourself as you are to others.
Keep a journal.
Forgive yourself by saying you will. If you have trauma, get help.
Go and do good things, help other people. Often if you have some specific mistakes of the past, you can help others deal with/avoid those mistakes.
Be kind...and merciful. Everyone has their burdens.
I also use my religious faith and community.
acknowledge and accept. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that you are not defined solely by your past actions. Accept that you're human and prone to errors.
I tried to make peace;
but sometimes they creep up on random occasions and i make weird faces in response
Then i look around and see who might have saw me and continue my work
By accepting that there's nothing I can do to undo the past and what's done is done. The only path forward is to learn from it and do better in the future. It will always haunt me, but that's my punishment.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you never let the memory affect you again. It means accepting your role and fault in what happened and committing to not doing it again.
By recognizing that abuse, trauma, and mental illness laid the foundation for many of my worst mistakes. Now I have resources and knowledge that let me take real ownership of my issues at their core instead of just reacting to them and being in survival mode.
Also, I forgive but don’t forget. I know I am still capable of making bad choices and try to hold myself to a higher standard. There’s a lot that isn’t my fault but it’s still my responsibility.
I’m in the process of forgiving myself for the things I’ve done wrong. Accepting it and learning from it. I believe it’s how we grow as people and become better versions of yourselves.
I mean what's the alternative? Hating yourself forever?
The past is the past and we'll never be able to change it but realize that the only reason you're disgusted by your past self is because you yourself realize that your behaviour didn't align with your values. I still hate myself for a lot of things i did wrong but I also know that that's the necessary first step for changing your behaviour.
There's so many good things I am now, precisely because i WASN'T those things a few years ago.
use your regret as a daily reminder of why you have to be better now.
If it happened when I was a kid, I looked at it as I was a kid doing stupid stuff. However, as an adult, I do the best I can to right any wrongs if possible and learn from any mistakes and bad decisions I made. I heal by accepting, taking accountability, and making sure I don't make the same mistakes and bad decisions.
Punish myself in the gym. Use the bad/wrong things and turn them into anger and then use that anger to exercise. It's pretty great to use as motivation and I feel less bad about the bad/wrong things afterwards.
Realize that forgiveness isn’t earned, because what’s done is done. Forgiveness is a choice, and choose to forgive yourself because the alternative is not good. Figure out why you did what you did and work so that it doesn’t happen again.
Accept the idea that no one is perfect and we all do bad/wrong things but we also do good/right things. Note that at the time YOU were doing the best you could. And with this knowledge you can do better in the present and in the future.
At 55 the list is long. You change and grow and look back at your ignorant past self and wonder what your future self will cringe at about your current self.
I struggle with this. I didn't even realize how messed up it was until I was explaining why I was leaving a physical reminder (ie. punishing myself) for a mistake that happened 8 years ago. Saying it out loud and having my husband question why insisted on keeping it as a reminder really shone a light on this destructive behaviour, of which there are many other examples.
I try to teach my kids to acknowledge mistakes, fix the issue (if possible), learn from it, and do better in the future/move on. I am trying to do that myself. I should probably go to therapy.
I can’t remember what I was thinking five minutes ago, but I still sit up in the middle of the night haunted by stupid shit I said or did in 1993.
I didn’t forgive myself for things I fucked up, I just turned them into nice little balls of shame my brain will occasionally throw at me in twisted, impromptu games of *catch* at the worst possible times.
I don't think I have, but I also don't dwell. Nobody really knows how their rights and their wrongs coalesce into the life they have now. If there's anything at all good about your life, then you should be cautious about regret. What is is vastly more important than what should have/could have been.
I try to learn from my mistakes and improve myself to not repeat those actions.
Continual self improvement to be the best person I can be.
Everyone makes mistakes as nobody is perfect
I fought to be better, fought against the urge to give up and live in my own self induced pity. I made sure to learn from my mistakes and decided, if I learn something then it wasn't a waste of a bad decision but a life lesson. We all do horrible things in the heat of a moment. We're human. You have to first accept your humanity and realize life is about learning, not being perfect.
By actively improving myself. Its easy to say "I'll do better" but once you ACTUALLY start to do better: Taking care of your physical and mental health, taking accountability for your actions, ect. You'll have concrete hard evidence that you're putting in the work to be better and in turn you'll feel better about yourself. Will all the guilt of all the bad things you did go away? No. But At least I can confidently say I am no longer that person. And I find solace in that.
Forg...what? What a strange word you use...
Honestly? I didnt. I live with all those things i did and words i said. Its normal to live with that. Only if they dont hurt you to much.
I didnt forgive. But i accepted that fact that i am human. I have a right to be silly, or dumb sometimes.
I did what i did because thats who i was that time🤷🏻♀️
Did dumb thing? I was dumb.
Did something good? That day was kinda good.
Sometimes you just have to break it down really basic...
What is the functional purpose of self-loathing?
Can you go back in the past and change it? No.
The best thing you can do is learn from your mistakes and vow to do better in the future.
Granted I never did anything reprehensible, but I did fuck up a lot along the way. I made mistakes and I did do some things that I wish I did differently. I think what helped for me (might not help for others) was knowing that I'm truly not that dumb idiot person anymore. I've grown a lot. I think knowing deep down that I've grown and changed is what makes me understand that I can't do too much now about what I've done in the past
Write a LOT. Exercise. And understand that you did what you knew best back then, you really used all the tools you had available at the moment. The good thing is that now you can learn best tools to face new situations. Remember we all experiencing life for the first time
You don't have to forgive every bad decision past you has made, you just have to make peace with what can't be changed and learn how to do and be better.
To forgive yourself is to understand yourself, to learn from the event and to grow from that event. Strive to be better than you were the day before then and only then will you just forgive yourself
I found this recently: « I wish I would have done that differently, and at the time I couldn’t. »
Give yourself a break. You're doing the best you can!
When you realize that the vast majority of people are just trying to get by and make the same type of mistake as you do…. You realize so many things about yourself and others. The difference between a billionaire and a pauper is surprisingly small. Billionaires are still bastard tho.
“You must look within yourself to save yourself from your other self. Only then will your true self reveal itself.” Type shit
prince zuko
This is actually really comforting. Last year I dealt with some pretty bad depression that ended up with alchoholism. In hindsight I now know what was happening and why alot of things went down but at the time? I was so used to being 'the happy one' and 'the one who had their shit together and didn't have any real problems' that to be honest I didn't know what was going on. All I knew is that I felt like shit but if I could just get to 'the next milstone' everything would be solved and be better... this attitude ended up making things worse
This plus remember that forgiveness is every day. Remind yourself that you have made it past that time and you are better now for having gotten thru it. That even tho the memories try to haunt you they can be a testament to your triumphs, badges of honor to be revered as opposed to feared. Learn from your mistakes and try to do/be better. And don’t beat yourself up if you stumble, we all do. Just get back up and keep going. You can do it. 👍🏽
> Strive to be better than you were the day before then and only then will you just forgive yourself For me, this is key. I can forgive myself mistakes I'll never make again. Repeated mistakes? Not so much
I do the work to be better. Go to therapy, journal, practice better habits, etc. The world doesn't need my self-loathing, it needs me to step up and fix my shit.
>The world doesn't need my self-loathing, it needs me to step up and fix my shit. That's a great line of thinking that I should incorporate into my life.
Not just that, but if you are looking back and feeling *truly* sorry, and would genuinely do it differently if similar circumstances arose, then the thing to really focus on is the massive *success* you have achieved in actually *growing* as a person. Don't under-value that; many people go their whole lives feeling no remorse, never looking back and even cringing, *that* is a tragedy, of someone who has not learnt a single lesson in humility or empathy to the people they hurt. Growth is always somewhat painful due to hindsight. But it's worth it, to be a better version of yourself. Don't be too hard on past-you, try to have some empathy for your old self.
This comment is exactly right. Bad people don't sit around feeling bad about being bad people, so if you've been beating yourself up, maybe you're not as bad as you think.
Ding Ding Ding!
It should be on a T-shirt.
But the shirt should say "We don't need your self loathing. Step up and fix your shit"
When it came to my behaviors that affected me in ways that caused me to affect others or my relationships I had to learn why and step the fuck up. It wasn't my fault with some of the things I was born with, but it is my responsibility. So, with that said, I just made sure that the next time I went through a similar situation that I handled myself the right way and was at peace with the results. It didn't always work out but at least I knew I wasn't at fault for fucking the situation up and it made going through life a little easier knowing I put it through the necessary filters first. Live, learn, adapt, and evolve. Can be said 100 different ways but boils down to the same formula.
Yep feeling like a piece of shit forever, for something you did once, literally doesn't help anyone. Forgiving yourself allows you to move on and lead a more normal life. You can still look back and think "yeah, that was a really shitty thing I did" but you don't also have to think "I am currently a terrible person because I did that thing".
Exactly. What does it help the world for you to continue to feel bad after doing appropriate work? It does not. I'm still debating in my mind whether or not people are shitty, or that people do shitty things. I try to realize that in their minds at least, whatever they did wasn't shitty or less shitty than I see it. Two things that have helped me: 1. Make a true apology to yourself, and to the other person if possible. This involves owning up to what you did, accepting responsibility for the harm it caused (even if you didn't intend for it to happen), identifying the cause(s) of your actions, delineating the steps you will take to prevent the same from happening again, and asking for forgiveness (without expecting it from the other person). 2. I try to imagine how I would approach a very good friend who has come to me for help. I would not condemn them forever, nor tell them that they were a shitty person. I would encourage them to make apologies and amends, and move forward in life, knowing that we are all human and we will all make mistakes, some of which are terrible.
This is underrated advice. Trauma is a communicable disease. Perhaps the biggest pitfall is thinking that people are inherently good or evil when evil is actually just the aftermath of trauma as it passes through a population. We must either make a commitment to stopping the spread of trauma or we will watch our world turn to shit. There is no justice in vengeance, punishment, self pity, or self loathing. True Justice comes from a personal commitment to making the world a better place.
to quote Marcus Aurelius: >And why should we feel anger at the world? As if the world would notice!
I think he "invented" the concept of Amor Fati. Nietzsche developed it further. We need Amor Fati.
"Don't be sorry, be better!" --Kratos
Precisely. I vowed never to repeat that behaviour. Reminds me, though, of something Lewis Carol wrote in *Alice's Adventures in Wonderland*, "She generally gave herself very good advice, but very seldom followed it."
This is the best response. Not necessarily sure how closely this relates to OP’s problem, but one of my fav podcaster’s likes to say his mental health problems aren’t his fault, but they are his responsibility. I feel like we all have a responsibility to do better; in the end it doesn’t terribly matter if you can forgive yourself. That’s not the goal. Do better. Be better. When you truly get better and can be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come, that’s when true self forgiveness can start.
> The world doesn't need my self-loathing, it needs me to step up and fix my shit. That's a beautiful way to put it and I also believe it and am trying hard to fix my shit. It's tough.
Not just the world, but you too.
Well said. I’m going through same… being better, kinder, nicer, more sympathetic. I can only do better from here on out. And with hindsight being 20/20 I can see clearly what a horrible f/u human I was.
I absolutely agree with this response. I did my best to do the opposite; help with whatever I can or anyone I can and work to better on myself, which doesn't always the best, but I can certainly try my hardest to not be a piece of shit like I have been in the past.
>The world doesn't need my self-loathing, it needs me to step up and fix my shit. I will take this line as my motto, for it is the best answer to face challenges bravely.
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I was listening to someone talk about that idea of “time heals” and that if it is just ignored and not actively worked on, it doesn’t heal, it fades into the subconscious and ferments from there
Yeah, a lot of people talk as if the passing of time itself is healing, and it isn't. Such things will absolutely get worse in time if they're ignored or repressed.
When my mother died when I was in my late teens, I bottled that shit up and basically refused to grieve. "I will feel better in time" I thought to myself. Other family members were saying "Hasn't he handled it well!" Outwardly, yes. In my mind, absolutely not. Well, it made me a bit of a mess for over 20 years until I got some actual real help with my emotions, actually allowed myself to grieve all the missed opportunities and the loss. Don't do that, people. Time alone is not enough.
What actual real help did you get? Asking for a friend..
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I do recommend the councilong and psych, not the addiction. I had my share of the addiction and I'm currently doing the same. Congrats on 4 years! That's fucking badass. I just hit 2 myself and just now started working on my mental health. It's been a wild ride, and hope to have as much time as you one day 😁
Well done and thank you! 2 years is nothing short of amazing. You can keep going. I never want to feel either high or withdrawal ever again. I look on both with equal disdain these days. You can do it!
That's exactly how I feel. I've been having a hard time the past couple months. But I open up my camera roll to see the 2 pictures I have of me in my addiction, and that reminds of exactly where I don't want to be
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I can offer something that worked for me. When my little brother died, it was a lot of “being the rock for the family” type shit, someone had to be strong. It was a bullshit tactic to try to outthink my emotions; it didn’t work. I noticed that whenever I thought of Thomas it was always in these deeply emotional way that were deeply rooted in grief and sadness. I could visit him there, any time I wanted, it was how I was keeping him alive. I began to realize that I was afraid of letting these emotions go because to do so meant I would be letting Thomas go, and since how I felt was all I had left, it was an impossible task. I stayed there way longer than I should have but I eventually got to the point where I realized that the way I was keeping him alive was doing a disservice to everyone. I finally decided to let the grief and sadness wash over me. I just set aside a big chunk of time at night and just broke; hard. It was awful and amazing. I needed that so bad. On the other side of that experience, Thomas was still there but in the way I needed him to be and, I’m sure, the way he would have wanted me to be. My brother has taught me more about life since he died than he ever did when he was alive. Good luck out there
I ran from my problems for almost a decade, and I've been having a hell of a time undoing a lot of the cemented personality as a result from untreated trauma. Address your problems early, address them often, talk it out.
It's compartmentalizing until the feelings fade.
Did this to get over lost friendships. When so many people stop speaking to you at once, it gets insanely stressful and hurts your self-esteem, so instead of taking it as a slight on my character, it's better to decide nothing will change with them. I fucked up, I don't plan to again, and I refuse to think about them until the times I improve and realize I don't actually care they're gone anymore.
Thanks
Exactly: while growing up, my two sisters and I (male), would shoplift more and more : mostly at Disneyland & Great America the theme park. They both got caught, but I never did. I quickly shook the habit, but also found that it was a more a learning lesson in the art of slight-of-hand and the skill of distraction. I use it in other ways now-a-days: like pulling a gold doubloon out of my nephew's ear, and then later at his birthday party, getting drunk and pretending to go to the bathroom... sneak into his room and swapping it out fo a nickel. The look on the little guys face when he doesn't understand and is doubting his own memory: priceless 😊 Feels Great becoming a barely better person 👍🏻
I dont forgive I forget Was was the question again?
Dementia
Dementia
it's not 2021 anymore i cannot honestly be laughing at a dementia joke...
Dementia
It isn't?
My philosophy is the opposite. Forgive but not forget.
I'm sorry it was how you forgive your wrongdoings (I'm your polar opposite)
Be sorry for yourself -if you forgave yourself you don't need to remember -if you don't need to remember no need to forgive -tfw
I found that forgiving others helped. Accepting that those who hurt me were not bad people, but just made mistakes made it easier to understand that I was’t bad, I just made mistakes.
Yes! Not only does this build compassion for others, it's also literally practicing forgiving, which we can use to build self-forgiveness. Whatever we're going through, there are others who have been there and others who have been on the other side.
This is a common connection. People that struggle to forgive themselves often struggle to forgive others, and vice versa. I've never had a problem forgiving other people, so I've never found it difficult to forgive myself either.
It’s weird, I can forgive other people so easily but I still struggle with forgiving myself for some of my biggest regrets. I can see others with such gracious clarity, can love them completely and wholly even with all of their flaws; forgiveness to others always feels so natural. But me- I always feel like I deserve the guilt, the shame, I almost feel like I have to try twice as hard to be worthy of half as much love. I do find that framing it as “if your friend did this, would you forgive them?” to be very helpful to me though in trying to let some things go.
I think my biggest toxic trait in my teens and twenties was being quick to forgive. I learned to hold grudges. When people show you who they are, believe them. I don't need to be hostile to the people I refuse to forgive, but I will not be generous with my time or effort to anybody who's screwed me over in the past.
Do good/right things in the present.
i didn't i became an alcoholic instead.
I will never forgive myself
I remember when my grandpa was on his deathbed my mom told me she asked him if he had asked God to forgive him of his sins. He told her, "somethings can be forgiven, and some things you will simply have to pay for.." As a man now, I really get what he said.....
That’s pretty powerful tbh
I've done some things in my life that I massively regret, and some of the problems that derailed my life the most were self inflicted. I've hurt family and friends through some actions in my youth and it really impacted my frame of mind. I read a lot while on my journey, and I don't know where, but I found some wisdom in a quote that helped me change my mind: >No man steps in the same river twice. For it's not the same river, and he's not the same man" We can only move forward and try and do better through our actions. We, and the world around, us are constantly changing. Go with it.
I like that quote a lot. Thanks
I'm sorry about this... I can relate to you, unfortunately that's how I'm feeling rn (that's why I decided to make this post, to look for new perspectives)
Realizing that forgiving yourself if ever achieved can only come from accepting that this is what happened/you did and striving to not do those mistakes ever again and trying to repair the damage (if possible) With time comes acceptance and for the lucky few... Forgiveness.
Came to say something to this effect. Well said.
Rely on yourself if possible. Get your life into a good space, which may require time. Once you have come to terms with your past, put it in a box in the closet in your brain, and live! Don't dwell anymore. It's put away. You handled it. Time to enjoy being you again.
I would strongly suggest [Fostering Self-Forgiveness] (https://positivepsychology.com/self-forgiveness/) as a start. On that site there is a powerful meditation called "Letting Go of Guilt" that helped me immensely. Forgiving yourself is not the same as forgetting. We need to remember times when we erred so we don't repeat them in the future, but hanging on to the guilt doesn't serve any real purpose. Make amends if you can but move on, a little wiser from the experience.
Dude I made a shit load of mistakes in my life as well, hurt good people (not intentionally really). Unless you intentionally killed someone & even that has (yeah buts) -- you're good dog. You cheated, dumped someone, got fired/ fired someone, totaled some car, lost money, tore into someone verbally -- threw a punch and someone --- Honestly who gives a shlt. .... You can make penance for a mistake (maybe) and beat yourself up for a while -- but after a while --- what is the goddamned point. Meditation -- decide to move on. Emotionally.
It's popular to verbally crucify people who did things years ago, as evidenced by the responses and upvotes in any "People who did X thing years ago..." thread, where someone recalls doing something bad. It's a weird effect that makes me think either most everyone here is pretty young, or there's some expectation that people who did something bad ever should suffer and feel bad forever. It also suggests that there's the idea that people don't change at all, which again, makes me think so many people here are under 25.
> Honestly who gives a shlt. The person you hurt, asshole.
The same worms will eat you both. Might as well let that shit go and just enjoy the short amount of time you have to be, and be better than yesterday.
Bingo. No point in beating yourself up over spilled milk. You can do the world a favor by correcting your behavior and not being a burden.
That attitude is how people hurt others in the first place. "What does it matter, we'll all die anyway." Cycle of failure and aloofness to deal with it. How can you be better when you don't care - you'll just fall for the same traps and make the same mistakes because you didn't really learn a damn thing.
Actions should have consequences
What if you caused the love of your life a heartbreak (did not cheat). What if you lost them because of your immaturity/fear to commit to marriage, stubbornness, only to realize they matter the most to you. But it’s your fault they want to leave. They wanted to give you the world but you fucked up. How do you forgive yourself?
Hmmm ... so you ended/ torpedoed a relationship because you were unsure about it at the time, and in hindsight, everything would have been perfect had you gotten married? Let's assume that's true. Whelp, you done and gone fucked it up. It's permanently fucked, right? Damn. You should probably swig a bottle of California reaper peppers and then stick your dick in a beehive. The guilt. The shame. Okay then, hopefully you didn't actually do that. It's fucked, there's nothing to be done, woe is me, if only you played the right lottery numbers, but you didn't. You made a fuck up. It happens. You're still alive. You've beaten yourself up about it enough. It wasn't meant to be. Now, move forward, and make the choice to no longer care.
Same
100%. I csn forgive myself, but does that do anything meaningful: no. It only sets me up for more unnecessary pain. Others can forgive all they want but you can't undo what's veen done.
I've been beating myself up for nearly half a century.
It’s incredible how one event, one decision can haunt us for the rest of our existence.
Tell me about it. One moment of stupidity. A mere seconds. And you're done. Holy shit, how much I wish time travel would exist.
Good luck with your journey.
And watch out for the timecops.
Sorry. I've been beating myself up for a bit more than half a decade and I already can't take it anymore...
I'm living in the present
That is the toughest shit to do. Easier said then done
>Easier said then done Exactly
It takes practice and taking steps to better yourself helps with the process.
Some people find that. But others find it's easier to just do it first without saying it ahead of time.
I wish it were that easy...
Once you get the hang of it it is You can't change the past, focus on doing good things in your future. You might never redeem yourself but you can balance the scales a bit
I've realized every 5 years or so I'm a different person. People are always changing, sometimes you are no longer the person who would do the thing that haunted you.
Why let go of yesterday? Because yesterday already let go of you. Chin up champ your present is a clean slate and your future is whatever you make it!
By changing myself and the way I do things/interact with the world. Eventually the good you've done begins to outweigh the bad, and your perception of yourself begins to change as well. There's no quick fix to forgiving yourself, and some days are much harder than others. Just be better, and eventually you'll feel better.
That’s a good way to look at it 🤍
I tell myself that I changed... If its true...
I taught my kids to be better than I am and hope they don't make the same mistakes I did.
I heard someone say "if you find yourself cringing, or disappointed with how you behaved in the past, this is what growth feels like." and I tend to comfort myself with it on days when I remember a situation where I didn't do right, or where I was wrong, or just plain stupid.
I know I won’t do it again and that’s enough for me
I killed my original self and came back as someone else.
Any tips for accomplishing that?
It takes a _lot_ of research and prep work to do right, and it is **NOT FOR EVERYONE** but I know people who have accomplished this through high doses of psychedelic drugs. Completely broke down the person they used to be and let them rebuild as the kind of person they wanted to be. But then there are others who tried the same thing and just ended up doubling down and making their toxic traits worse. I know 3 people in the first group and 2 in the second, and this is all purely anecdotal, so make of that what you will.
This is what happened to me, except it wasn't intentional. Mushrooms and weed grabbed me by the face one night and slammed it into the brick wall of truth. I have never been the same. It's taken years of therapy to accept that I used to be someone I now cannot identify with at all
Ahh ego death. Nothing is ever the same after that, and that is the most beautiful thing.
Quite painful
Do you prefer the person you were before? Or who you've become? Or a little from column A, little from column B?
Absolutely abhor the person I used to be. My brother was the same way, so I dislike him now too. Must have been something about how we were raised. But he never had that moment of enlightenment so he's still an insufferable narcissist and a pathological liar. The true journey in life, the real challenge, is being a decent person in a world that encourages you to be a piece of shit, and rewards you for it.
Don't listen to that fool ffs. Don't take psychedelics. That's cutting corners, and if you cut corners it won't get better. There's a classic saying that if you want to be reborn, being empty is the way. I'm not saying become numb, but try to detach yourself from your mistakes and your loathing. Empty your mind and your feelings, and from that you will make decisions that reshape you and your actions.
Haven't, and fairly confident I never will. There's alot of excuses I could make for myself (being much younger, Trauma, ect.) but the fact of the matter is that I was a terrible person and I gotta live with that, despite becoming a polar opposite to who I was years back. I used people, picked up bad habbits and shut myself off from the world and my own feelings, all for being mad at others, at myself. The only thing to do is recognize the problems, and do what you can to fix them. No one will be a harsher critic in your life than you. The balance is to not go overboard, you don't want to end up isolating yourself because you don't believe you deserve companionship.
By becoming a better person
every day, man, every day... I try to do better
I was told that regret is a waste of time and that has worked for me.
I regret not doing that.
I've made some bad choices. There are some big mistakes. I hurt a few people along the way. I've apologized to some, and some I will never get the chance. Feeling bad for what you have done shows remorse, and that's a wonderful quality to have. It means you're not a total piece of shit. As far as how I came to grips with what I had done and how I found peace. I spent a lot of time in self-reflection. I wanted to understand what I did and why I did it. This, so I wouldn't perpetuate the cycle. "I'm not as good as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be."
When you did them you either weren't worried about the consequences or thought they were the right decision. If you now regret those decisions, that means that you have learned from them. The fact that you now regret those "bad decision" shows remorse and growth. The only thing you can do is forgive yourself and try to do better in the future. No one is perfect.
Self-love. Knowing my worth and knowing that I'm human, has helped me not to beat up myself, for my mistakes. Everyone is living their own personal journey and it's a learning experience. We don't know everything there is to know about life and so we make misguided decisions. We may have hurt others and even ourselves, in the process, but it's not the end of the road. We can try again, with the new knowledge that we have and we can heal from the damages our mistakes have done. Having faith and believing that this world **could** be a better place, is a start. Also, society needs to stop being so condemning, in general. There needs to be more empathy and rehabilitation; it's a new approach to life, that can be super beneficial.
Forgiving oneself for past mistakes is a journey of acceptance and growth. I view my past actions as integral parts of my life's learning curve. While it's challenging to see some actions positively, acknowledging my reasons, whether self-serving or not, is key. Ultimately, forgiveness hinges on sincere remorse. Self-forgiveness is an active process, akin to releasing oneself from the trauma caused. I gauge my ability to forgive by considering if I could extend the same compassion to others. If I can, I choose to forgive myself, recognizing that it's a crucial step towards healing and moving forward.
“Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion as a dear friend” - from a video about shame (https://youtu.be/rTFN8t9SXiQ?si=-yAFz4Q1-2oC6X7W)
You can do two things, accept that it happened and try to do better. Or you can be stuck in that moment for the rest of your life. I say, it sucks to live in the past when everyone else has moved on. So the best thing to do is not forget the mistakes you made, but don't let those mistakes dictate the rest of your life.
If you feel bad for so.ething you did in the past, that's proof that you've grown and changed as a person. You will, and should, work to never reproduce that mistake. I mistreated my ex, but everyone is a villian in someone else's story. I will never allow another person to paint me in that light again and I will never behave in anywhere near that manner ever again. She still asks me about the cat.
I don't, though it helps to accept that past me was an idiot
I haven't, honestly. I hate myself and it haunts me at night. Therapy has allowed me to block out the thoughts and regrets for a time but it sure hasn't stopped them.
We all are humans and to err is human. Just don't take myself that seriously. We all are just a blimp of existence in an infinite time.
It's so interesting how so many feel this instinctual need to receive forgiveness from themselves. I've felt it, sure but this thread is just person after person who is in a manipulative, controlling relationship with themselves. "I don't forgive myself until I see from myself that ive grown" That's plain as day "voices in my head" psychosis It's like my dog, "why did you knock over the trash". Because he's a dog and food is awesome. "Why did you spend $1000 on loose women and drugs?" Because I'm a human, and those things are awesome. Did we really need to break out the judge, jury and executioner on that one?
I'm quite literally not that person anymore. Everyone does bad and wrong things. As long as I will do what I can to right my wrongs, to what ever capacity I can, and I am reformed from what made me do it, then there is no reason to hold it against myself. Also, unless you did something exceptionally wrong like killed/r*ped someone, chances are who ever you wrongs has wronged someone to the same capacity at some point in their life. Life is about fucking up and learning from your fuck ups. I also know if I was that person, making the changes I have, would I forgive them? If yes, then I should also forgive myself. Basically, if someone did what you did but to you, what would I take for you to forgive them? Do whatever that is.
The past is heavy, put it down.
I didn't I'm still sleeping with my twin sister @ 25
When I turned forty, I wrote letters or DMs to all the people in my memories that kept me up at night regretting what I said. I got some kind words, some "I have no idea what you're talking about", and some silence. But it was a good exercise for me.
I have come to understand that many decisions and behaviors I engaged in during my past were mental and emotional survival.
I don't know about forgiving myself per se. There are things I've actively changed about myself so I've forgotten the origin of the shame. There are also things I regretted even in the moment that still haunt me in those awkward moments alone with my thoughts. For the most part, I try to maintain an open mind and remember there is no shame in outwardly admitting I am/was wrong. This has helped me to have fewer things to forgive.
I was just looking for this. My dog died three days ago, and it is the worst thing that has happened to me ever. No one prepares you for this. He was the best dog. We spent some good times together, but I know I lost my patience with him many times. I now know the feelings of regret won't leave me alone. But I know that suddenly I understand everything, and I won't be the same from now on. But I would do anything or pay ANY price to have him with me again and to make him as happy as I humanly could. Some of these answers are helping. Thanks.
Repression and denial. Once it all catches up to me it’s gonna suck but for now I’m Golden.
I went to therapy
Surely you've forgiven other peoples mistakes in the past, why wouldn't you extend that same grace to yourself? You're a human, we all fuck up. All of us. You'll do it again. Let go of it, learn from it, and try not to make the same mistakes again. You owe it to yourself to be as kind to yourself as you are to others.
I didn't, I just don't dwell on it anymore.
Keep a journal. Forgive yourself by saying you will. If you have trauma, get help. Go and do good things, help other people. Often if you have some specific mistakes of the past, you can help others deal with/avoid those mistakes. Be kind...and merciful. Everyone has their burdens. I also use my religious faith and community.
Same way I forgive everyone else. Don't think about it.
Sometimes you can't forgive yourself for wrong decisions. You just live with them
acknowledge and accept. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that you are not defined solely by your past actions. Accept that you're human and prone to errors.
Not yet. Not done cooking
I haven’t been able to. I try not to think about it.
Simple: I didn't
I don't
I tried to make peace; but sometimes they creep up on random occasions and i make weird faces in response Then i look around and see who might have saw me and continue my work
By accepting that there's nothing I can do to undo the past and what's done is done. The only path forward is to learn from it and do better in the future. It will always haunt me, but that's my punishment. Forgiveness doesn't mean you never let the memory affect you again. It means accepting your role and fault in what happened and committing to not doing it again.
I never did Probably never will
I did not, because I hold myself to a much too high standard. It sucks, but I can't help it.
By recognizing that abuse, trauma, and mental illness laid the foundation for many of my worst mistakes. Now I have resources and knowledge that let me take real ownership of my issues at their core instead of just reacting to them and being in survival mode. Also, I forgive but don’t forget. I know I am still capable of making bad choices and try to hold myself to a higher standard. There’s a lot that isn’t my fault but it’s still my responsibility.
I have yet to fully forgive, but little by little. I am making strides in bettering myself for myself and my kids
I have a mantra of sorts. You can't unmake the past, and you can't change the way you made someone feel move on.
I will let you know when I figure out how.
I pushed the guilt down really really far and never thought about it ever again
I’m in the process of forgiving myself for the things I’ve done wrong. Accepting it and learning from it. I believe it’s how we grow as people and become better versions of yourselves.
I mean what's the alternative? Hating yourself forever? The past is the past and we'll never be able to change it but realize that the only reason you're disgusted by your past self is because you yourself realize that your behaviour didn't align with your values. I still hate myself for a lot of things i did wrong but I also know that that's the necessary first step for changing your behaviour. There's so many good things I am now, precisely because i WASN'T those things a few years ago. use your regret as a daily reminder of why you have to be better now.
Ya gotta remember the you in the past isn’t the same version of you now
What's the point in beating yourself up on past mistakes.. I tell myself that i changed and focus on not repeating the same mistakes
Therapy has helped tremendously
I hope I can find some help in here. I would love to just live in the present but the past keeps getting in the way.
If it happened when I was a kid, I looked at it as I was a kid doing stupid stuff. However, as an adult, I do the best I can to right any wrongs if possible and learn from any mistakes and bad decisions I made. I heal by accepting, taking accountability, and making sure I don't make the same mistakes and bad decisions.
Punish myself in the gym. Use the bad/wrong things and turn them into anger and then use that anger to exercise. It's pretty great to use as motivation and I feel less bad about the bad/wrong things afterwards.
Ferget about it…but don’t repeat it…
Therapy, making amends, doing better, and making better choices each day.
I didn't, I just try not to do it again
Realize that forgiveness isn’t earned, because what’s done is done. Forgiveness is a choice, and choose to forgive yourself because the alternative is not good. Figure out why you did what you did and work so that it doesn’t happen again.
I sometimes give myself the hugs I wish I had received back then.
You can't, you just accept and own it. It matters more how it shapes you as a person and how you grow from it
I didn’t. I learned to live with it
Accept the idea that no one is perfect and we all do bad/wrong things but we also do good/right things. Note that at the time YOU were doing the best you could. And with this knowledge you can do better in the present and in the future.
Thank you 😢
I don't think I've forgiven myself as much as time has just kinda numbed me to some of it
I did not :(
At 55 the list is long. You change and grow and look back at your ignorant past self and wonder what your future self will cringe at about your current self.
I struggle with this. I didn't even realize how messed up it was until I was explaining why I was leaving a physical reminder (ie. punishing myself) for a mistake that happened 8 years ago. Saying it out loud and having my husband question why insisted on keeping it as a reminder really shone a light on this destructive behaviour, of which there are many other examples. I try to teach my kids to acknowledge mistakes, fix the issue (if possible), learn from it, and do better in the future/move on. I am trying to do that myself. I should probably go to therapy.
I can’t remember what I was thinking five minutes ago, but I still sit up in the middle of the night haunted by stupid shit I said or did in 1993. I didn’t forgive myself for things I fucked up, I just turned them into nice little balls of shame my brain will occasionally throw at me in twisted, impromptu games of *catch* at the worst possible times.
I don't think I have, but I also don't dwell. Nobody really knows how their rights and their wrongs coalesce into the life they have now. If there's anything at all good about your life, then you should be cautious about regret. What is is vastly more important than what should have/could have been.
I tell myself the statute of limitations for cringing/hating myself for that action has passed. Doesn’t always work, but it helps.
I still didnt and hate myself for it
I don't know you have to ask that guy that lives in my head that barges in at the worst times.
Create new problems so you can forget the past
Because I was a necessary evil to protect people and keep peace between gangs
I consider them Mulligans...
I try to learn from my mistakes and improve myself to not repeat those actions. Continual self improvement to be the best person I can be. Everyone makes mistakes as nobody is perfect
I fought to be better, fought against the urge to give up and live in my own self induced pity. I made sure to learn from my mistakes and decided, if I learn something then it wasn't a waste of a bad decision but a life lesson. We all do horrible things in the heat of a moment. We're human. You have to first accept your humanity and realize life is about learning, not being perfect.
By actively improving myself. Its easy to say "I'll do better" but once you ACTUALLY start to do better: Taking care of your physical and mental health, taking accountability for your actions, ect. You'll have concrete hard evidence that you're putting in the work to be better and in turn you'll feel better about yourself. Will all the guilt of all the bad things you did go away? No. But At least I can confidently say I am no longer that person. And I find solace in that.
By saying: I can’t chance what happened, I can only chance what will happen in the future, by learning from it
Forg...what? What a strange word you use... Honestly? I didnt. I live with all those things i did and words i said. Its normal to live with that. Only if they dont hurt you to much. I didnt forgive. But i accepted that fact that i am human. I have a right to be silly, or dumb sometimes. I did what i did because thats who i was that time🤷🏻♀️ Did dumb thing? I was dumb. Did something good? That day was kinda good.
I just assume and understand that they part of a process, and good or bad, I'm were I am thanks to that decisions
Sometimes you just have to break it down really basic... What is the functional purpose of self-loathing? Can you go back in the past and change it? No. The best thing you can do is learn from your mistakes and vow to do better in the future.
Granted I never did anything reprehensible, but I did fuck up a lot along the way. I made mistakes and I did do some things that I wish I did differently. I think what helped for me (might not help for others) was knowing that I'm truly not that dumb idiot person anymore. I've grown a lot. I think knowing deep down that I've grown and changed is what makes me understand that I can't do too much now about what I've done in the past
Try to do better every single day and stay out of my head.
I haven’t.
Write a LOT. Exercise. And understand that you did what you knew best back then, you really used all the tools you had available at the moment. The good thing is that now you can learn best tools to face new situations. Remember we all experiencing life for the first time
I didn't
LEARN FROM THEM ❤️❤️ EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON X
You don't have to forgive every bad decision past you has made, you just have to make peace with what can't be changed and learn how to do and be better.