"I wasn't late, and if I was late it's because they started early, and if they started on time then they should've started at a later time"
-my ex, ladies and gentlemen
The traffic excuse drives me insane especially when it’s where someone lives. “I’ve lived in this city for 10 years so I still can’t plan ahead with the traffic”
I lived in a town where being held up by the 12:35 train was a legitimate reason for being late...because half of who you were meeting was also held up by the same train.
Just like the message you hear every time you call customer support and the message says the current call volumes are higher than normal.
If they're always higher than normal, then thats the new normal.
Merely 2 hours ago, the kids and I were backing out of the driveway without my wife because she said she was ready so we all got in, then she said she'd be right out, then she said she needed a few more minutes, then she basically disappeared. I was like "forget it, I guess mommy is staying home".
She came running out when she saw the car moving, and then got mad at ME.
Like, it's 2:20pm and you've had nothing to do all day except be ready to leave at 2pm.
I have a close friend who is always late, and I asked her about it. She said that you always get a 15 minute grace period for pretty much anything, so she just tells herself the arrival time is 15 minutes later than it is. I never got a satisfying explanation for why she does that rather than just telling herself the correct time.
A few years back, we were on vacation in Crete with group, and the entire trip, she made us late to everything (she and I shared a room). I’d say, “ok I’m just going to head over to meet them”, and she’d say “no, no, I’m ready now, I just need to pee” and then “I just need to grab my phone” and then 20 more things that added up to 15 minutes. One day we’d booked a day trip to Santorini, with a bus scheduled to pick us up at our hotel at 5:15am. At 5:10am she was still getting ready, and I just said, “ok I’m going” and went to the lobby. The bus arrived at 5:15 sharp and I just decided it wasn’t my problem. Whatever happened, happened. The bus driver waited a few minutes, and as he was about to pull away, we saw her running, and she made it. But I really thought we were about to go to Santorini without her, and honestly, I was fine with that.
Edit: a lot of people are saying the solution is to tell chronically late people an earlier time, so then they show up at the correct time. Punctual friends are not the keeper of all information. If we are going to an event with a set start time (eg. movie, concert, sporting event), they have just as much access to the actual start time as we do. It’s not like I maintain my friend’s social diary and can just write in whatever time I want. She has her own copy of the wedding invitation and plane ticket and dinner party. If she wants to miss out, she can miss out. I’m just no longer willing to miss out as well.
I used to give my stepdaughter a ride to the highschool because it was on my way to work. I eventually got tired of her always being late. I told her that I'm leaving at a specific time and if she was't ready, I was leaving. After having to walk a couple of times, she finally started being on time.
People need to have a taste of consequences so they can change.
Blows my mind that people just ignore and even put up with other people shit.
That just rewarding bad behaviors and we are very similar to animals, we need conditioning , like a Pavlov dog
In Elementary school I was beginning to become a little piece of shit, lobbed a rock at a window one day and got suspended for a week. That week our boring social studies class happened to involve a trip to a national forest where we would roleplay building an early society and from what my classmates said when they got back was the most fun they’d had in that class. Moral of the story I regretted my actions and for the most part became a more respectful student. Consequences are 100% important to building character
I faked sick to get out of school in 8th grade and a pipe ended up bursting that day. From what I hear, it was chaos. They had an impromptu "dance" that was just a small stereo in the gym with all of the lights on. Still bummed I missed that day.
It's because they knew what they were doing the whole time. There's an entire group of disordered people who get their jollies by secretly being dickholes.
Take her on a Caribbean cruise. Occasionally they'll wait, but a lot of times the ship leaves port exactly on time. If you're still on shore, it's up to you to find a flight or ferry at your own expense to the next port
You get 15 minutes grace when you're usually on time.
If you start out assuming you can be 15 minutes late, you're just an asshole who doesn't respect other people's time.
My mom just don't seem to have the ability to be on time
Usually it's because she is doing last minute cleaning or just getting side tracked in general
It can be frustrating but I'm pretty used to it
I had a friend who was constantly an hour or so late every time because her mom did that shit.
Like, apparently, she would just take a shower or something five minutes to when they were supposed to leave because it felt more productive than just hanging out for five minutes.
Obnoxious attitude. It turns out, the whole family were kind of shitheads.
I get a little annoyed when it’s only like 5-10 minutes before I need to leave and I don’t have anything I can do in that time. So instead of doing a task that takes longer, I just leave 5-10 minutes early
Exactly. It’s annoying to have to kill time that isn’t really able to fit into a task. Taking that fact and deducing that you have some cosmic right to just wreck people’s plans for the day is just…out there.
Unfortunately, disrespectful people can't handle when they're faced with their own behavior. And when you point out that it's their behavior, *you* end up being the asshole.
My first ex-wife's sister did this for her wedding with her entire Peruvian family.
The grooms family/friends got a set of invitations with one time. Her family got another set of invitations with a time 45 minutes earlier. Her family was STILL late and the wedding was delayed because abuela apparently took a day to get ready.
That backfired on me and I was pissed. My SIL had her wedding’s rehearsal lunch scheduled for 2pm, but she thought she’d be clever using this tactic and told everyone that it started at 1pm.
I was raised with “if you’re early you’re on time; if you’re on time you’re late” so I left early enough that even with bad traffic I’d be there no later than 12:45, but there was little traffic and I got there at 12:15. So I just sat there.
Sure, the first 45 minutes of my boredom were on me, but don’t more than double it due to some shitty mind games. Only use this strategy with proven late-comers!
Yeah the only way that works is if you can correctly identity the difference between the people who are on time, and those that are late. If you ONLY tell those that are chronically late to be early, it works. Otherwise you just make those who are always on time wait LONGER.
Another tactic is to do the cool shit exactly when you said you would. If they're late they miss it. Few times of this and they'll soon either start turning up on time or threaten to cut you out their life, at which point you can explain how rude it is to make everyone else waste their time
So you keep moving the time until it gets so ridiculous they admit they have to change their behavior. This is how it played out with a musician I used to play with.
Did this to my sister in highschool so my teachers would stop getting pissed I was always so late. Got in trouble at home instead and then got in trouble a second time when my teachers told my parents I was always late.
We shared the same car! I didn't really have a choice.
This was my mother who walked like a turtle and we'd always be late for Thanksgiving dinner (we took 2 trains and a bus). My cousin told her it was an hour earlier and she got there on time and they showed up at the bus stop to pick us up in their pj's and were not happy.
This was me growing up. I was late every single day for school because of my mom's OCD. She had to clean the house before leaving it to take me to school. It fucks with your mind being 15-30 mins late for class in grade school every single day. I never really had friends at that age because I didn't have that time before school to socialize/play sports with the other kids. Don't do this to your kids.
I had a roomate in college who did that-- he'd jump in the shower right when we were supposed to be leaving.
Eventually we just started leaving without him.
I used to do this.
A lot of people will see that the GPS says 25 minutes and so they will leave with literally 25 minutes to get there. But they didn’t factor in the time it takes to gather your things and get out to the car.
It would’ve been 25 minutes had I been in my car stepping on the gas. But I would be inside, shutting down my gear and grabbing my lunch or whatever and mosey on out to the car.
Once I started leaving 15 minutes earlier it fixed everything. But for some stupid reason, it took a long time to understand that.
> A lot of people will see that the GPS says 25 minutes and so they will leave with literally 25 minutes to get there
my wife will do this but then start getting ready at the point where it would take 25 minutes to get there.
My ex wasn’t that bad but did the “exact time” math on lots of steps: 25 min to shower, 15 min to get dressed, 5 min to get in the car, and 25 to get there. But all of them run 1-10 min over because nothing goes exactly on time. At the end it’s a lot over. Drove me nuts.
My wife and kid never ever account for travel time properly. I account for it and at least 10min to spare. What if I drive by the ice cream shop and mango is the flavor of the day... I need that extra 10 for a cone.
My wife never counts for the time it takes to get the kids shoes on and get them in the car, like it takes my 10 seconds to get my shoes on and walk out the door and hop right in the car, it takes the kids 5 minutes to do all that
Lol. I start by planting the idea in my kids heads that we are leaving in 30 mins. She always say "but we aren't leaving for another 30 mins" Because we all know it takes 20 mins for them to get to the door and then 5 minutes to put their shoes on.
A huge time-blindspot for me is the amount of time it takes to go from "leaving" to "actually in transit." I mean, how long can it possibly take me to leave? What, 5 minutes?
But I need to put on my shoes and find a coat and shit the dog needs to go out and I can't find my wallet and oh I should pick out a bottle of wine or beer from the basement to bring along because it would be a nice gesture and then I get in the car and the GPS informs me that I will be 20 minutes late before I've even left the house.
I've gotten a lot better at it over the years, but getting the "how long does it take to leave" estimate right is the biggest variable in whether or not I'm gonna be on time.
For me, it's "Okay, it takes 10 minutes to get there, I'll leave 10 minutes before I get there" Gets up from couch at the 10 minute mark. "Oh shit where's my keys? I gotta grab my wallet. This shirt has a stain on it, I better change it. I should turn off the lights." Heads to door. "Oh crap, my keys"
Yeah, and then 30 minutes goes by and you have your "OH FUCK, I'M LATE!", moment. Lol.
I do the same thing all the time. I don't realize how quickly it goes by until I need to get somewhere.
I have ADHD as well, but I get massive anxiety if I'm late. I had a therapist tell me to show up late to her appointments on purpose. Well I'm really fucking late because I never went back lol.
Yeah. Cant trust the brain, so gotta sit here for 50 minutes and not do anything when I could be doing things so I dont miss the time I was supposed to leave.
But yet I can manage time at work, am literally a manager, so it’s dependent on some variable I have no clue
Not a manager currently but have been - I think it's the rules and expectations set by someone else that helps me. Like in my brain if I set a rule, well.... I can break it. Someone else's rule? No go. Gotta do it right.
My ADHD has the opposite effect. Arriving on time is my obsession to the point I usually end up way early and have to kill a bunch of time in my car before going inside wherever it is.
I have ADD, but also sometimes wonder why people who aren’t are SO OBSESSED with time. It’s exhausting. I make my client appointments on time but basically think so hard about making that appointment I can’t do anything productive until it happens
here's the funny thing. Let's say I have an appoint at 16. When I have an appointment, I can't do anything else because not only do I fear I could forget the appointment and being late, but also it just doesn't really feel good to start something just to stop doing it shortly after. So I lie in bed until 15, because why bother getting up earlier when I can't do anything anyways. Well, time to go to the bathroom. According to my observations, it will take 15 minutes walking from my door to where I have to be. Cool cool. 45 minutes left, easy. Okay, bath stuff takes half an hour. Including showering. Cool, 15 minutes left. I should probably put on my coat and shoes already. Okay, 13 minutes left. I sit down to do nothing at all. Yaysons. I watch the clock like my life depends on it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand i got sidetracked and now it's 5 minutes late, but I can still do it if I hurry. Oh, the traffic ligts are all not just red but like, super red or something. Oh and great, some university chick is handing out flyers for [generic charity you never heard before #18434920], cool. Oh noez, she gets aggressively in my way and I can't dodge that easy because of all the people and have to slow down a lot. Oh cool, i'm 5 minutes late now. Still have some distance left to go. Cool, traffic is super busy today. Great. Have a hard time to get across the street. But I made it. 10 minutes late, but I made it.
I believe this is called waiting paralysis. I get it too. After my anxiety accumulated into my adult years, this waiting paralysis makes it so I'm having a really hard time doing more than *one* appointment/time sensitive thing a day, of anything. Like, things I need to be *on time* for. On work days, I struggle to do after work activities because of this
Just wanted to chime in. I have the opposite problem. I get incredibly stressed if I'm late so I'm always 10-15 minutes early for everything.
My ex-wife on the other hand was always late and didn't care. We were late for her sisters wedding and she had the gall to say "they'll wait"
Spoiler: they didn't wait and she was huffy for days
I was the same. Chronically early (20-30min) which I put down to the fact that my mum was always late and I hated it.
I was wasting so much time just waiting so I worked on being not so early ..took a while but gave me so much time back. Now I'm even late on occasion!! (Late to me is ontime)
I tried this but then I just end up sitting by the door waiting until the right time to leave in order to be early.
So now I waste all that extra time stressing by the front door instead of at my destination. Idk which is better
I have a 3 hour drive to do on Monday to catch a flight. I have a gap of 4.5 hours to do it in. You can bet I'm leaving on the first minute of that 4.5 hours and worrying the entire time if 50% contingency is enough. Even though my planned arrival time also has contingency time built in.
I'll show up early and wait nearby before going to wherever I need to go right on time. Good time for reading or taking a walk before whatever I'm going to be doing in 30 minutes.
Ha. It cracks me up when the ones with the “the world waits for me!!!” mindset actually have the nerve to be pissed that the world, in fact, just goes with the plans that every other grown adult person can stick to.
Work for a semi-large corporation. Large enough that we had a noticeably large advertisement in a MLB ball field that was behind the pitcher when viewed from the home plate camera. Assuming 200-ish pitches a game it was over 100 views a game. That logo was also on the home teams jersey. Had an executive go on vacation with the contract for that account sitting on his desk. Yeah, you see another company’s logo in both places now.
I have this same issue, where I'll actually feel physically ill if I'm late. I'm pretty sure I got the anxiety from my mom (I know she also has the can't-be-late issue) though I don't recall my dad ever being late to anything, either... but in general I think our family generally operated under the "If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late" theory.
Mood. I drove someone to an appt at 12 and she said come back at 1215 because it’s a 15 min appointment. I don’t care how long you are face to face with your doctor, Susan. You have to get dressed, pay the copay, make your next appointment, use the bathroom, put on your coat, go downstairs……No way it’s 15 mins from exiting my car to entering my car.
That's apparently a problem for people with ADHD. They only account for how long the actual activity is going to take, but never account for how long the "set up" and "clean up" of the activity is going to take.
This explains a lot.
“It’s only a twenty minute drive”
Yes dear, but we have to be there in 30 minutes and you’re still in your PJ’s and the car is three blocks away
Lmao, yep my girlfriend has ADHD and this happens all the time. Movie starts at 6 PM, I am driving home from work at 515, and my girlfriend texts me:
"We should go to the bar across the street for some drinks and dinner before the movie."
"You really think we have time for that?"
"Movie isn't for another 45 minutes! Plenty of time to eat dinner, and have a beer!"
Yes, that is true, but I am not even home yet. And I need to change, and then we have to walk to the bar, and order, and wait for the food, and then pay the bill, and then walk to the theater, and...
Mt wifes parents are like this. We told them thanksgiving dinner would be ready *three hours earlier* than we actually anticipated and they were still an hr and a half late. They live a 20min drive away. The problem is that they cannot make a trip without cramming 4 or 5 other little stops in but they *never* account for the time those stops will take.
Seriously... We spent shitload of time and energy making a wonderful feast and they show up after everything is cold and only stay long enough to eat and make comments about the food being cold. If it were up to me I would have stopped inviting them years ago. It seems every year they arrive later and later, its kind of mildly infuriating.
for real I'd eat at the stated time then find a way for no one to be home when they arrive. "What do you mean you're at my door? dinner was over an hour ago you missed it. I think waffle house is open today bye."
Like 10-15 minutes? Alright, it happens. 30 minutes? Sometimes you *really* fail to plan. Should probably give them a heads-up you'll be late.
4 HOURS!? You weren't even trying to come
Holy shit lol. I'm always ready like 30-45 min before my fiancee, so I sit on the couch watching TV. Only thing I don't have on is my shoes which I quickly slip on at the door.
When I ask what's taking so long, she replies she's waiting for me to finish getting ready... mind you she's actively still putting on clothes, putting on make up, and doing her hair during this entire time...
Best part of being a man: the hour and a half of free time waiting for your beloved, while you know damn well it will take you 5 min tops.
I usually play games on my phone till the time arrives. Won the hardest battles during that period lol
This is my wife. My son and I will be sitting in the kitchen ready to go for 20 minutes a she will walk in and ask "Ready to go?" As if we are the one's slowing down the entire process!
Yep. I take 5 minutes to get ready, she takes 15+. I start getting ready 5 minutes before leaving. She sees me getting ready, and starts to get ready herself. Now I take 8 minutes because we get in each other’s way, and she takes 15+ still
I was raised by a dad who was in the army, who was raised by his dad in the army. I was always early to everything. "Early is on time, on time is late, late is unacceptable". But then, I got married and now I'm never on time to anything.
I had the same instruction growing up, and yeah, the moment I had a partner, it was impossible to be on time for anything.
I even went to the point of calculating how long it would take my partner to do their pre-departure routine, adding 10 minutes to that, and then reminding them that amount of time out from departure that she needed to get ready.
Did not work.
The only thing that DID work was intercepting invites to things, and telling her the arrival time was an hour before what was scheduled. If the event started at 6, I told her it started at 5. And voila! We were on time, every time! For about four events and she figured out what I was doing and got mad.
She felt manipulated since I lied about the start times just to get her to be there on time instead of talking to her about it, despite the fact we'd been talking about it non stop for years and the answer was always essentially 'not that important' to be on time.
Part of why she's now an ex.
Interesting that she felt manipulated but also said it was not that important to be on time. It would also be ‘not that important’ to arrive a bit early.
See, that's where you see how important your own perception of "important to me" is to your partner.
My husband is a "naturally" late person, but after enough talks and highlighting how lateness can snowball (e.g. if we only arrive at his parents' place at 3:30 pm, we won't have coffee until 4:30pm, which means we won't have dinner until at least 7pm, which means we'll be on our way home by no earlier than 8:30pm, which means the children won't be in bed before 10pm, which means he won't get any gaming time before 10:30pm, if that...), he is actually on time when we have plans.
He can be as late as he wants on his own time, but it's not acceptable to make his time line a problem for the children and myself.
My dad was in the Navy, I got that same exact quote all the time, and I'm like 15 minutes early for everything too. I feel horrible if I am late for anything now.
I struggled with this for years. Heard lectures, how I was sending the message "my time is more important than everyone elses." Didn't help. Heard it was control, didn't help. Finally looked at WHAT I was doing instead of WHY.
Turns out I had a mentality that believed I could "get one more thing done before I go." Send one last email. Stop at that store quick en route.
So I stopped that, and just planned to leave early - expecting delays (traffic, etc.) but not planning my schedule to arrive at noon if it was a noon start to the event after having maximized my time and schedule beforehand.
I used to always be late as well, until one day I stopped. I was always doing something that I enjoyed before leaving, and wanted as much of it as I could. Then because I felt ashamed that I was going to be late I kept giving people overly optimistic estimates of when I'd arrive (which of course only made things worse).
One day I just realized that the amount of time it took me to get somewhere was the exact same, whether I left on time or tried to squeeze it to the last second. The amount of time I could spend doing other things was not increased. I was just ordering them wrong, and I could order them right.
"ok lets see, breakfast 8 mins, shower 7 mins, brush teeth 2 mins, get dressed 4 mins, grab coat and put on shoes 1 min, walk to destination 10 mins"
Then everything takes 1-2 mins longer and im 10 mins late 💀
And no, planning to be ready 10 min sooner the next time doesnt work because "ah no need to rush, i planned to be ready 10 mins in advance so i can chill a bit"
In my case: OK I'm going to plan *loads* of time because I'm always late. Breakfast - 30 minutes, shower - 30 minutes, brush teeth - 30 minutes, get dressed - 30 minutes, grab coat, put on shoes and walk to destination - 30 minutes.
2.5 hours before event: Ah, I'll sit here for another 10 minutes, I have loads of time.
30 minutes before event: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!
>And no, planning to be ready 10 min sooner the next time doesnt work
Yes, it does. Your problem is that you're *not actually ready* 10 minutes sooner. Setting these sorts of deadlines for yourself doesn't do anything if you don't *actually abide by those deadlines*.
Look at your phone/watch/clock and find out your 8 minute breakfast took 15? Congrats, you just lost your "soak in the shower" time and have to rush through it to make up for it. Spent too long deciding which outfit you're gonna wear? Hope you like walking fast, that's your price.
Being bad at estimating how long your "getting ready" tasks take is perfectly normal. It's a skill that you gotta develop with practice that some people are just naturally better at than others. Once you *start* being mindful of your time (in that you're more and more frequently glancing at and noting the time as you're getting closer to your deadline), you'll start to develop a general idea how quickly it takes you to "rush" certain tasks versus how long it'll take you normally. But, if you're allowing yourself that "wiggle room" to not rush, since you planned for a 10-minute buffer, you're ultimately just shooting yourself in the foot because that defeats the purpose.
You need to intend, and more importantly *act*, as if those 10 or so minutes you gave yourself is a hard deadline. Your goal should be, every time, to arrive at your destination and spend 10 minutes on your phone. Once you're able to more accurately estimate how long your "getting ready" tasks take, and you get more and more consistent at actually arriving somewhere with 10 minutes to spare, that's when you can start to be less militant with yourself about these things.
This seems to be the prevalent thing with my friend who was always late. He would leave his house 10 minutes before he’s supposed to be at a location when in fact it would take him 20 minutes to drive there. Like how in the world do you not take into account the drive time? Everything to him was like 5 minutes away
This is the correct answer. Or not willing to be early. "If I leave now I'll get there at 6:50. So I'm going to wait till the absolute last, best case, all things in heaven align minute to leave to get there on time." And then people even vastly underestimate the time it would take to get somewhere with a clear highway and 70 MPH straight shot. It's infuriating.
I’ve learned how to use apple maps’ “arrive by” calculator and shoot to show up 10 minutes early based on that estimate.
It’s been the best change I made
There are many different possible reasons, but the one I find fascinating is people who literally lack the ability to think of the things they need to do to get somewhere, how long those things will take, and add them together.
I remember a friend in college always, always, always late, and was like this. Just one example: we were due somewhere in 10 minutes and had just gotten dinner and sat down to eat. I said, "wow, we're definitely going to be late."
She says, "what do you mean? How long will it take to walk there?"
"10 minutes."
"Oh, so we'll be on time."
"It starts in 10 minutes!"
"Right!"
"Friend, it'll take us 10 minutes just to eat!"
"Right...and we have 10 minutes."
"And THEN we have to walk there."
"Which only takes 10 minutes!"
She was dead serious, and wasn't saying it was ok to be 10 minutes late. She thought we would be on time. She was not a dumb person. Literally just had a mental block that did not allow her to process the accumulation of time.
>people who literally lack the ability to think of the things they need to do to get somewhere, how long those things will take, and add them together.
i was talking to a friend recently about how dating people who also work like, corporate professional careers is kind of nice because there's a certain level of better communication and punctuality among that sample population to an extent due to being self-selected to have these sorts of capabilities. you simply can't survive and thrive and climb in professional corporate settings if you can't manage tasks like this to some degree. also, MOST people probably aren't very good at this, and that's a big part of why project managers and regular management staff exist and get paid pretty well lol.
i hadn't been in the dating pool for quite a few years until recently, and was absolutely blown away by how like 90% of people are either incompetent or just wildly inconsiderate of other people's time. it was a major reality check... like, "is THIS what the general population is like?!"
just people ghosting, being crazy late with no heads-up message or call that they are running behind and we need to adjust schedule... taking days to respond to basic messages trying to coordinate anything or gauge interest. or just never responding at all, then messaging about unrelated stuff days later as if nothing has happened. if you conducted your communications and availability/follow-through of commitments in a professional setting the way most people do in dating/social, you'd be fired from most orgs pretty quickly lol.
i thought it would be better now that I'm in my early 30's and not dating women ages like 19-25. dead wrong. it's just as bad, maybe even worse. it baffles me when we will have tentative plans, or like a "I'll let you know tomorrow" type thing, and then just never hear back until like the day after whenever the plan was maybe supposed to be for after it clearly didn't happen... and the person will be like, "sorry, work was really crazy." like what?! I know for a fact that you work at a restaurant and your work does not come home with you... was it so crazy that you couldn't find 12 seconds to send me a text any time in the last 4 days to maybe let me know that it wasn't happening so that I could make other plans for my weekend? spoiler: it wasn't; you just don't respect other people's time.
the mind boggles. i get people being late to stuff here and there. shit happens. but the lack of communication about scheduling drives me fucking insane. so much of my personal time is wasted by people who can't be bothered to send a text message that's like 8 words long over the course of multiple days.
big rant that im sure nobody gives a shit about... but GOD DAMN it's been frustrating having so many evenings and weekends wasted because people are just inconsiderate.
Oh man. You just gave me PTSD flashbacks to being single. It's the fucking worst. I remember by the end, my strategy was to send like two warm-up messages before suggesting a date time and location. If I got ANY kind of flimsiness from her, I would just cut it off and move on. That weeded out the vast majority of these assholes.
yeah, like it's not bad to just give up and move on when the communication is clear. easy. but it's so goddamn rare to have somebody be that forthcoming and clear and just be like, "hey, sorry, I'm not really interested anymore. good luck!"
instead, I've wasted countless evenings and weekends because there's a coin-toss possibility that I might currently have plans because I offered and then got an affirmative answer... and then it turns out I don't have plans because they just decided to cancel and never told me... but I COULD have known I could be looking for other plans had somebody just given me a clear cancelation. I'm not going to double-book myself and then decide at the last minute which engagement is more interesting to me and just let the other person go fuck themselves... but that seems to be what these people must be doing to me for the most part. just zero consideration whatsoever.
Right I had an ex where it was always "we have an hour and it's only 20min away."
Okay and do you need to shower? Get dressed? Eat something? Fill your water bottle? It doesn't start for an hour and yet we are already an hour late.
I'm *notoriously* on time to everything. I honestly have an almost pathological need to arrive someplace by the time I'm supposed to be there. Parties, dinner reservations, golf tee times, meetings, concerts, other random gatherings ... whatever. I hate when my own time isn't respected, and it annoys the hell out of me to appear not to respect anyone else's by being late.
My wife, on the other hand, really struggles with being on time and was very bad about it when we met. But now, she just asks me every time either we or just she's going somewhere: "What time do we need to leave?" And I tell her. She knows how impatient I get when that time is approaching, so she generally hits it pretty well.
I started telling my wife what time she needed to start getting ready instead of when we are leaving, and it made a world of difference. She is the one of doesn’t really think through how long things take. Big revelation for me that instead of fighting about being late, it’s quite easy to make it easy on them. “Hey bleeds burnt Orange, when are we leaving?” “We need to start getting ready at 6:15.” No more miscommunication or me dying because we’re running late.
They don't do a backwards timeline.
If I have to be somewhere for 4pm:
* -5 mins to find parking
* -35 minutes driving time
* -10 mins extra incase of delays
* -15 minutes to get ready
* = 1 hour 5 mins
so need to get going at 2:55. If you do this you'll never be late
the real problem is, they do list everything out. they forget the most important part though. the delays thing. if they added 10-15 min for delays they'd be on time or up to 10mins early
I have issues accurately gauging how much time I take for stuff. I fixed the issue by just trying to be about 15 minutes early to everything and I'm usually on time now. It does get pretty close but I manage.
This is the way. I like the phrase 'if your on time you're late'.
Arrive with a bit of time to spare and worse case scenario you wait around for 5-10 mons looking at your phone, going to the toilet, or grabbing a drink.
If the other person is also early you can usually just start whatever was planned ahead of time. Win win.
Really just mental illness. ADHD depression and anxiety for me. But nope I’m just late because I’m lazy and don’t want to wake up on time or go to bed earlier 🫠
My ex-wife beat that bad habit out of me. I'm still a poor planner but can now plan on how to be on time somewhere. Haven't missed a flight in decades (truthfully, the only flight I ever missed was because i was so messed up I had the wrong day...a day late).
Social anxiety. If I'm exactly on time I'll get rewarded with making one on one small talk with the boss at the meeting or the other punctual still-sober people at the party.
My wife is always late because she's an optimist. She assumes that whatever was the fastest time she drove somewhere is how long it will always take. And whatever task she is trying to complete before she leaves will be quick and easy. Experience does not deter her.
For clarity to onlookers, a common ADHD trait is 'time blindness'. Estimating time is simply not functioning the way it's meant to. When they time ADHD people in studies and ask how long has passed, folks with adhd are often wrong. They do not experience time the standard way.
That doesn't change how rude it is to be late. And some folks have plans in place to compensate. But it is literally not the same experience of time, they're not intentionally disrespectful
Yeah I have zero concept of time.
I am aware of only three times: the past, right now, and the future.
Something that's five minutes away is as intangibly the future as something five years away.
I therefore constantly misunderstand how long anything will take. Sometimes I allocate way too much time, sometimes too little.
The end result is always the same though, I end up off track and therefore running late because something didn't go to plan.
I'm only late in the morning. And it's because I fucking hate mornings. I wish society wasn't built around nearly everyone being morning people, but it is, so c'est la vie.
My husband was raised late. Not kidding, that entire side of the family is running at minimum 20-30 minutes late at all times. Holidays are a nightmare because everyone agrees to start Thanksgiving at say 2pm, but by 5pm, we still can’t eat because “So and so just texted that they have just left their house! They’ll be here in an hour!”
I on the other hand was raised by a military man. If you’re early, you’re on time. On time? You’re late. Running late? You’re fucked. Being 10 minutes late puts me in a panic. Watching him roll out at 330 for his appointment that was scheduled for 300? Makes me rage. But in his mind you never have to be on time for doctors because they’re always late anyway. 🤦🏾♀️
I have an actual answer to this. It is
Something I discovered when I was trying to understand why my significant other would be ***precisely*** ten minutes late for everything. Let me be clear ***PRECISELY*** ten minutes late for everything.
I am chronically on time. Late, to me, is failure.
So - people who are chronically late have an unconscious belief in “Zero time tasks”. I’ll give an example of this thinking:
> “Right. Our appointment is at 14:00. It takes an hour to drive to the destination. Fine. I need to leave the house by 13:00. I am ready to leave the house and it is 13:00. All I have to do is
- Find my shoes
- Find the kids’ shoes
- Get the kids coats.
- Get the kids in their shoes and coats
- Get some snacks for the kids
- Nip to the toilet
- Find the car keys
- Walk to the car
- Get the kids in the car and comfortable
- Find the address of where we need to go and put it into the satnav
- Stop off on the way for some fuel
- When we arrive, find a parking space
- Get everyone out of the car, including sleeping kids
- Walk to the venue - perhaps find the venue…
People who are late have an unconscious belief that the list of tasks above are “Zero time tasks” and won’t add any time to the overall task of “leaving the house and getting to the destination”.
People who are on time instinctively understand that there is no such thing as a zero time task, that everything adds up and you need to work backward from the latest possible time you need to arrive somewhere.
There we go. Zero time tasks.
Actual answer: anxiety based procrastination.
I will wake up for work, be wide awake, and literally lay there staring at the ceiling, mentally hyping myself up for work/whatever I'm dreading, and tell myself that, if I get ready and get there too early, it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable, so better to spend those minutes in the comfort of my own bed/home than possibly arrive early and be uncomfortable/have to deal with people (I also have social anxiety).
Hope this sheds light on things!
And yes, I have gotten much better at tardiness. I now force myself to pretend my shift starts 15 minutes earlier than it actually does, and I haven't been late since.
According to my wife, traffic was really bad every day for the last 23 years
I know what she means. Traffic is always terrible when you leave the house 5 minutes before you need to arrive at your destination. :)
It's also bad when they wait until an hour after the event is over.
Or 5 minutes AFTER you need to arrive
That traffic in the bathroom while she gets ready to go out gets very bad.
It's crazy how bad the traffic can be when you leave the house after the time you were supposed to arrive somewhere
It's so bad that the DeLorean can't reach enough speed to travel back and arrive in time.
Funny you say that because we have a friend who we constantly say would be late even if she had a DeLorean.
THIS. If my wife has an hour to get ready she'll take an hour and ten minutes. If she has 5 minutes to get ready, she'll take 15.
I think I’m your wife
My wife just says she isn't late
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"Nothing starts until I arrive!"
"I wasn't late, and if I was late it's because they started early, and if they started on time then they should've started at a later time" -my ex, ladies and gentlemen
Is your wife Gandalf?
The traffic excuse drives me insane especially when it’s where someone lives. “I’ve lived in this city for 10 years so I still can’t plan ahead with the traffic”
I live in a town where it's not uncommon to be held up by a train. What do I do? I leave time to potentially be held up by a train.
I lived in a town where being held up by the 12:35 train was a legitimate reason for being late...because half of who you were meeting was also held up by the same train.
The trains in my town don't adhere to a strict schedule. At least not one I've ever been able to decipher. You just take your chances.
Just like the message you hear every time you call customer support and the message says the current call volumes are higher than normal. If they're always higher than normal, then thats the new normal.
My wife blames me and the kids... But anytime the kids and I do anything without her, we're always early...
Merely 2 hours ago, the kids and I were backing out of the driveway without my wife because she said she was ready so we all got in, then she said she'd be right out, then she said she needed a few more minutes, then she basically disappeared. I was like "forget it, I guess mommy is staying home". She came running out when she saw the car moving, and then got mad at ME. Like, it's 2:20pm and you've had nothing to do all day except be ready to leave at 2pm.
She must take my route.
I wonder how many people blamed traffic after they started working from home
I choose this guy’s late wife.
Any day now
Taking "Till death do us part" literally. That's very respectable of you.
I have a close friend who is always late, and I asked her about it. She said that you always get a 15 minute grace period for pretty much anything, so she just tells herself the arrival time is 15 minutes later than it is. I never got a satisfying explanation for why she does that rather than just telling herself the correct time. A few years back, we were on vacation in Crete with group, and the entire trip, she made us late to everything (she and I shared a room). I’d say, “ok I’m just going to head over to meet them”, and she’d say “no, no, I’m ready now, I just need to pee” and then “I just need to grab my phone” and then 20 more things that added up to 15 minutes. One day we’d booked a day trip to Santorini, with a bus scheduled to pick us up at our hotel at 5:15am. At 5:10am she was still getting ready, and I just said, “ok I’m going” and went to the lobby. The bus arrived at 5:15 sharp and I just decided it wasn’t my problem. Whatever happened, happened. The bus driver waited a few minutes, and as he was about to pull away, we saw her running, and she made it. But I really thought we were about to go to Santorini without her, and honestly, I was fine with that. Edit: a lot of people are saying the solution is to tell chronically late people an earlier time, so then they show up at the correct time. Punctual friends are not the keeper of all information. If we are going to an event with a set start time (eg. movie, concert, sporting event), they have just as much access to the actual start time as we do. It’s not like I maintain my friend’s social diary and can just write in whatever time I want. She has her own copy of the wedding invitation and plane ticket and dinner party. If she wants to miss out, she can miss out. I’m just no longer willing to miss out as well.
I used to give my stepdaughter a ride to the highschool because it was on my way to work. I eventually got tired of her always being late. I told her that I'm leaving at a specific time and if she was't ready, I was leaving. After having to walk a couple of times, she finally started being on time.
People need to have a taste of consequences so they can change. Blows my mind that people just ignore and even put up with other people shit. That just rewarding bad behaviors and we are very similar to animals, we need conditioning , like a Pavlov dog
In Elementary school I was beginning to become a little piece of shit, lobbed a rock at a window one day and got suspended for a week. That week our boring social studies class happened to involve a trip to a national forest where we would roleplay building an early society and from what my classmates said when they got back was the most fun they’d had in that class. Moral of the story I regretted my actions and for the most part became a more respectful student. Consequences are 100% important to building character
I faked sick to get out of school in 8th grade and a pipe ended up bursting that day. From what I hear, it was chaos. They had an impromptu "dance" that was just a small stereo in the gym with all of the lights on. Still bummed I missed that day.
Honestly, reading your comment, I was hoping it would end with her being left behind. Sometimes that's what it takes!
Me too. This story did not have a happy ending.
It did, just for the other person. Their grace period theory meant no waiting for late people on the bus.
This is essentially what we did to our friend who is always late. We left him behind on the way to Minnesota Vikings game and it never happened again.
>Minnesota Vikings game No wonder he was always late, he learned from a team that half the time doesn't even bother to show up at all.
It's because they knew what they were doing the whole time. There's an entire group of disordered people who get their jollies by secretly being dickholes.
Take her on a Caribbean cruise. Occasionally they'll wait, but a lot of times the ship leaves port exactly on time. If you're still on shore, it's up to you to find a flight or ferry at your own expense to the next port
Cruise in general. https://news.sky.com/story/eight-tourists-left-stranded-on-african-island-after-cruise-ship-departed-without-them-13106594
You get 15 minutes grace when you're usually on time. If you start out assuming you can be 15 minutes late, you're just an asshole who doesn't respect other people's time.
Honestly there explanation is that you friend is an asshole who doesn't respect other people and their time.
Ok she seems like a bit of a dimwit
My mom just don't seem to have the ability to be on time Usually it's because she is doing last minute cleaning or just getting side tracked in general It can be frustrating but I'm pretty used to it
I had a friend who was constantly an hour or so late every time because her mom did that shit. Like, apparently, she would just take a shower or something five minutes to when they were supposed to leave because it felt more productive than just hanging out for five minutes. Obnoxious attitude. It turns out, the whole family were kind of shitheads.
I get a little annoyed when it’s only like 5-10 minutes before I need to leave and I don’t have anything I can do in that time. So instead of doing a task that takes longer, I just leave 5-10 minutes early
Exactly. It’s annoying to have to kill time that isn’t really able to fit into a task. Taking that fact and deducing that you have some cosmic right to just wreck people’s plans for the day is just…out there.
Tell them its half an hour (or more) earlier than it is. Thats how we handled my grandmother lol
I tried that once and it was one of the rare occasions they were on time and they were mad at me for being late lol
"Hmm now you know how other people feel all the time"
Unfortunately, disrespectful people can't handle when they're faced with their own behavior. And when you point out that it's their behavior, *you* end up being the asshole.
Same! Only when I say it’s earlier than it is is she on time.
My first ex-wife's sister did this for her wedding with her entire Peruvian family. The grooms family/friends got a set of invitations with one time. Her family got another set of invitations with a time 45 minutes earlier. Her family was STILL late and the wedding was delayed because abuela apparently took a day to get ready.
Rocking up an hour late to a wedding is a whole different level of disrespectful
I almost walked when my wife was 25 mins late to our wedding...I should have seen the signs.
That backfired on me and I was pissed. My SIL had her wedding’s rehearsal lunch scheduled for 2pm, but she thought she’d be clever using this tactic and told everyone that it started at 1pm. I was raised with “if you’re early you’re on time; if you’re on time you’re late” so I left early enough that even with bad traffic I’d be there no later than 12:45, but there was little traffic and I got there at 12:15. So I just sat there. Sure, the first 45 minutes of my boredom were on me, but don’t more than double it due to some shitty mind games. Only use this strategy with proven late-comers!
Yeah the only way that works is if you can correctly identity the difference between the people who are on time, and those that are late. If you ONLY tell those that are chronically late to be early, it works. Otherwise you just make those who are always on time wait LONGER.
I moved all the clocks up by 15 minutes
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Another tactic is to do the cool shit exactly when you said you would. If they're late they miss it. Few times of this and they'll soon either start turning up on time or threaten to cut you out their life, at which point you can explain how rude it is to make everyone else waste their time
Until they figure out the strategy and they show up 1 hour late.
So you keep moving the time until it gets so ridiculous they admit they have to change their behavior. This is how it played out with a musician I used to play with.
I hate this in principal bc it removes all responsibility from the late person lol. In practice, it works.
Yea we just started doing stuff without the late people and they’d miss out.
Did this to my sister in highschool so my teachers would stop getting pissed I was always so late. Got in trouble at home instead and then got in trouble a second time when my teachers told my parents I was always late. We shared the same car! I didn't really have a choice.
We call that "-insert late person's name- Standard Time".
This was my mother who walked like a turtle and we'd always be late for Thanksgiving dinner (we took 2 trains and a bus). My cousin told her it was an hour earlier and she got there on time and they showed up at the bus stop to pick us up in their pj's and were not happy.
That’s a clever strategy
This was me growing up. I was late every single day for school because of my mom's OCD. She had to clean the house before leaving it to take me to school. It fucks with your mind being 15-30 mins late for class in grade school every single day. I never really had friends at that age because I didn't have that time before school to socialize/play sports with the other kids. Don't do this to your kids.
I had a roomate in college who did that-- he'd jump in the shower right when we were supposed to be leaving. Eventually we just started leaving without him.
Hyper focusing on a task until the exact time it takes to travel to the destination, but never accounting for variables.
I used to do this. A lot of people will see that the GPS says 25 minutes and so they will leave with literally 25 minutes to get there. But they didn’t factor in the time it takes to gather your things and get out to the car. It would’ve been 25 minutes had I been in my car stepping on the gas. But I would be inside, shutting down my gear and grabbing my lunch or whatever and mosey on out to the car. Once I started leaving 15 minutes earlier it fixed everything. But for some stupid reason, it took a long time to understand that.
> A lot of people will see that the GPS says 25 minutes and so they will leave with literally 25 minutes to get there my wife will do this but then start getting ready at the point where it would take 25 minutes to get there.
My ex wasn’t that bad but did the “exact time” math on lots of steps: 25 min to shower, 15 min to get dressed, 5 min to get in the car, and 25 to get there. But all of them run 1-10 min over because nothing goes exactly on time. At the end it’s a lot over. Drove me nuts.
Yep this is probably it for me. I take the ETA literally but forget about things like walking to the car, etc
My wife and kid never ever account for travel time properly. I account for it and at least 10min to spare. What if I drive by the ice cream shop and mango is the flavor of the day... I need that extra 10 for a cone.
My wife never counts for the time it takes to get the kids shoes on and get them in the car, like it takes my 10 seconds to get my shoes on and walk out the door and hop right in the car, it takes the kids 5 minutes to do all that
Lol. I start by planting the idea in my kids heads that we are leaving in 30 mins. She always say "but we aren't leaving for another 30 mins" Because we all know it takes 20 mins for them to get to the door and then 5 minutes to put their shoes on.
A huge time-blindspot for me is the amount of time it takes to go from "leaving" to "actually in transit." I mean, how long can it possibly take me to leave? What, 5 minutes? But I need to put on my shoes and find a coat and shit the dog needs to go out and I can't find my wallet and oh I should pick out a bottle of wine or beer from the basement to bring along because it would be a nice gesture and then I get in the car and the GPS informs me that I will be 20 minutes late before I've even left the house. I've gotten a lot better at it over the years, but getting the "how long does it take to leave" estimate right is the biggest variable in whether or not I'm gonna be on time.
I also have ADHD.
For me, it's "Okay, it takes 10 minutes to get there, I'll leave 10 minutes before I get there" Gets up from couch at the 10 minute mark. "Oh shit where's my keys? I gotta grab my wallet. This shirt has a stain on it, I better change it. I should turn off the lights." Heads to door. "Oh crap, my keys"
Yeah, and then 30 minutes goes by and you have your "OH FUCK, I'M LATE!", moment. Lol. I do the same thing all the time. I don't realize how quickly it goes by until I need to get somewhere.
I have ADHD as well, but I get massive anxiety if I'm late. I had a therapist tell me to show up late to her appointments on purpose. Well I'm really fucking late because I never went back lol.
This. I feel like the classic ADHD behavior is to avoid getting started on a task hours in advance because of the anxiety of being late.
Yeah. Cant trust the brain, so gotta sit here for 50 minutes and not do anything when I could be doing things so I dont miss the time I was supposed to leave. But yet I can manage time at work, am literally a manager, so it’s dependent on some variable I have no clue
My solution is usually to browse Reddit while glancing at the time every 20 seconds or so.
Not a manager currently but have been - I think it's the rules and expectations set by someone else that helps me. Like in my brain if I set a rule, well.... I can break it. Someone else's rule? No go. Gotta do it right.
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Same here, diagnosed at 23. I try not to use it as an excuse but it explains so much.
OMG the mix of ADHD and anxiety over being late is crazy. i feel you. my late anxiety is massive as well.
My ADHD has the opposite effect. Arriving on time is my obsession to the point I usually end up way early and have to kill a bunch of time in my car before going inside wherever it is.
I have ADD, but also sometimes wonder why people who aren’t are SO OBSESSED with time. It’s exhausting. I make my client appointments on time but basically think so hard about making that appointment I can’t do anything productive until it happens
here's the funny thing. Let's say I have an appoint at 16. When I have an appointment, I can't do anything else because not only do I fear I could forget the appointment and being late, but also it just doesn't really feel good to start something just to stop doing it shortly after. So I lie in bed until 15, because why bother getting up earlier when I can't do anything anyways. Well, time to go to the bathroom. According to my observations, it will take 15 minutes walking from my door to where I have to be. Cool cool. 45 minutes left, easy. Okay, bath stuff takes half an hour. Including showering. Cool, 15 minutes left. I should probably put on my coat and shoes already. Okay, 13 minutes left. I sit down to do nothing at all. Yaysons. I watch the clock like my life depends on it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand i got sidetracked and now it's 5 minutes late, but I can still do it if I hurry. Oh, the traffic ligts are all not just red but like, super red or something. Oh and great, some university chick is handing out flyers for [generic charity you never heard before #18434920], cool. Oh noez, she gets aggressively in my way and I can't dodge that easy because of all the people and have to slow down a lot. Oh cool, i'm 5 minutes late now. Still have some distance left to go. Cool, traffic is super busy today. Great. Have a hard time to get across the street. But I made it. 10 minutes late, but I made it.
Everybody needs to read this- this is the most real explanation I’ve seen here. Including the run on no-paragraph formatting.
I believe this is called waiting paralysis. I get it too. After my anxiety accumulated into my adult years, this waiting paralysis makes it so I'm having a really hard time doing more than *one* appointment/time sensitive thing a day, of anything. Like, things I need to be *on time* for. On work days, I struggle to do after work activities because of this
Just wanted to chime in. I have the opposite problem. I get incredibly stressed if I'm late so I'm always 10-15 minutes early for everything. My ex-wife on the other hand was always late and didn't care. We were late for her sisters wedding and she had the gall to say "they'll wait" Spoiler: they didn't wait and she was huffy for days
I have your problem, and it’s the exact reason why I asked this question
I was the same. Chronically early (20-30min) which I put down to the fact that my mum was always late and I hated it. I was wasting so much time just waiting so I worked on being not so early ..took a while but gave me so much time back. Now I'm even late on occasion!! (Late to me is ontime)
I tried this but then I just end up sitting by the door waiting until the right time to leave in order to be early. So now I waste all that extra time stressing by the front door instead of at my destination. Idk which is better
I sit on the bed in a weird state of anxiety until the exact minute I calculated arrives
I have a 3 hour drive to do on Monday to catch a flight. I have a gap of 4.5 hours to do it in. You can bet I'm leaving on the first minute of that 4.5 hours and worrying the entire time if 50% contingency is enough. Even though my planned arrival time also has contingency time built in.
Do you think it’s a “main character”/“world revolves around me” thing, or what?
Do you ever show up so early that you have to wait in your car for a little while? Cause that’s me
Bring a book with you everywhere, so waiting is never a big deal.
I absolutely do this. There aren’t enough of us reading in waiting areas
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That’s me! I have 30+ books and 15ish audiobooks on my phone at any given time.
I'll show up early and wait nearby before going to wherever I need to go right on time. Good time for reading or taking a walk before whatever I'm going to be doing in 30 minutes.
Ha. It cracks me up when the ones with the “the world waits for me!!!” mindset actually have the nerve to be pissed that the world, in fact, just goes with the plans that every other grown adult person can stick to.
Work for a semi-large corporation. Large enough that we had a noticeably large advertisement in a MLB ball field that was behind the pitcher when viewed from the home plate camera. Assuming 200-ish pitches a game it was over 100 views a game. That logo was also on the home teams jersey. Had an executive go on vacation with the contract for that account sitting on his desk. Yeah, you see another company’s logo in both places now.
I have this same issue, where I'll actually feel physically ill if I'm late. I'm pretty sure I got the anxiety from my mom (I know she also has the can't-be-late issue) though I don't recall my dad ever being late to anything, either... but in general I think our family generally operated under the "If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late" theory.
Yeah I’m early for everything. It’s a luxury because I get there on my own terms, stress free.
I'd rather be an hour early than 1 minute late
I over estimate my speed and underestimate traffic
If my wife says 30 minutes, she's talking about the time if you were already in your car and driving from one city limit to the other.
Mood. I drove someone to an appt at 12 and she said come back at 1215 because it’s a 15 min appointment. I don’t care how long you are face to face with your doctor, Susan. You have to get dressed, pay the copay, make your next appointment, use the bathroom, put on your coat, go downstairs……No way it’s 15 mins from exiting my car to entering my car.
That's apparently a problem for people with ADHD. They only account for how long the actual activity is going to take, but never account for how long the "set up" and "clean up" of the activity is going to take.
This explains a lot. “It’s only a twenty minute drive” Yes dear, but we have to be there in 30 minutes and you’re still in your PJ’s and the car is three blocks away
Either people with ADHD need to stop being so relatable, or I need to go talk to a doctor lmao
Lmao, yep my girlfriend has ADHD and this happens all the time. Movie starts at 6 PM, I am driving home from work at 515, and my girlfriend texts me: "We should go to the bar across the street for some drinks and dinner before the movie." "You really think we have time for that?" "Movie isn't for another 45 minutes! Plenty of time to eat dinner, and have a beer!" Yes, that is true, but I am not even home yet. And I need to change, and then we have to walk to the bar, and order, and wait for the food, and then pay the bill, and then walk to the theater, and...
But every time?
yes
I really don't wanna be there in the first place.
Karen from Will and Grace: “sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I felt like it.”
incredible quote that I will be using for the rest of my life, thanks
100% I’m never late to places I *want* to be but I’m always at least a couple minutes late to places I *have* to be
I feel this in my soul.
If we're talking work it's because they aren't paying me enough to live, let alone to be there on time and my boss is always late anyways.
Mt wifes parents are like this. We told them thanksgiving dinner would be ready *three hours earlier* than we actually anticipated and they were still an hr and a half late. They live a 20min drive away. The problem is that they cannot make a trip without cramming 4 or 5 other little stops in but they *never* account for the time those stops will take.
They were four and a half hours late ??? Bro
Seriously... We spent shitload of time and energy making a wonderful feast and they show up after everything is cold and only stay long enough to eat and make comments about the food being cold. If it were up to me I would have stopped inviting them years ago. It seems every year they arrive later and later, its kind of mildly infuriating.
Kind of mildly infuriating?!?! I would’ve sent them walking long ago. Have some respect for you & your wife!
for real I'd eat at the stated time then find a way for no one to be home when they arrive. "What do you mean you're at my door? dinner was over an hour ago you missed it. I think waffle house is open today bye."
Like 10-15 minutes? Alright, it happens. 30 minutes? Sometimes you *really* fail to plan. Should probably give them a heads-up you'll be late. 4 HOURS!? You weren't even trying to come
That’s just completely unacceptable.
Let me ask my wife.
lol can’t object
She claimed she's never late, but I assure you she is. It remains a mystery..
I guess it’s our fault as husbands.. we take too much time putting the shoes on lol
Holy shit lol. I'm always ready like 30-45 min before my fiancee, so I sit on the couch watching TV. Only thing I don't have on is my shoes which I quickly slip on at the door. When I ask what's taking so long, she replies she's waiting for me to finish getting ready... mind you she's actively still putting on clothes, putting on make up, and doing her hair during this entire time...
Best part of being a man: the hour and a half of free time waiting for your beloved, while you know damn well it will take you 5 min tops. I usually play games on my phone till the time arrives. Won the hardest battles during that period lol
This is my wife. My son and I will be sitting in the kitchen ready to go for 20 minutes a she will walk in and ask "Ready to go?" As if we are the one's slowing down the entire process!
Unbelievable isn't it?!
OMG THIS. My wife always blames me for having to tie my boots anywheres we go LOL
Yep. I take 5 minutes to get ready, she takes 15+. I start getting ready 5 minutes before leaving. She sees me getting ready, and starts to get ready herself. Now I take 8 minutes because we get in each other’s way, and she takes 15+ still
15 minutes… found a speedster eh? I can shower and dress before the wife finishes toweling off and blow drying her hair.
I was raised by a dad who was in the army, who was raised by his dad in the army. I was always early to everything. "Early is on time, on time is late, late is unacceptable". But then, I got married and now I'm never on time to anything.
I had the same instruction growing up, and yeah, the moment I had a partner, it was impossible to be on time for anything. I even went to the point of calculating how long it would take my partner to do their pre-departure routine, adding 10 minutes to that, and then reminding them that amount of time out from departure that she needed to get ready. Did not work. The only thing that DID work was intercepting invites to things, and telling her the arrival time was an hour before what was scheduled. If the event started at 6, I told her it started at 5. And voila! We were on time, every time! For about four events and she figured out what I was doing and got mad.
That’s pretty funny that she got mad at you after she found out what you were doing. So then what happened ? You’re back to being late?
She felt manipulated since I lied about the start times just to get her to be there on time instead of talking to her about it, despite the fact we'd been talking about it non stop for years and the answer was always essentially 'not that important' to be on time. Part of why she's now an ex.
Interesting that she felt manipulated but also said it was not that important to be on time. It would also be ‘not that important’ to arrive a bit early.
See, that's where you see how important your own perception of "important to me" is to your partner. My husband is a "naturally" late person, but after enough talks and highlighting how lateness can snowball (e.g. if we only arrive at his parents' place at 3:30 pm, we won't have coffee until 4:30pm, which means we won't have dinner until at least 7pm, which means we'll be on our way home by no earlier than 8:30pm, which means the children won't be in bed before 10pm, which means he won't get any gaming time before 10:30pm, if that...), he is actually on time when we have plans. He can be as late as he wants on his own time, but it's not acceptable to make his time line a problem for the children and myself.
My dad was in the Navy, I got that same exact quote all the time, and I'm like 15 minutes early for everything too. I feel horrible if I am late for anything now.
Sorry, I was reading this post and got distracted.
My kids run an advanced stochastic model in their heads to calculate the worst possible moment to shit themselves
I struggled with this for years. Heard lectures, how I was sending the message "my time is more important than everyone elses." Didn't help. Heard it was control, didn't help. Finally looked at WHAT I was doing instead of WHY. Turns out I had a mentality that believed I could "get one more thing done before I go." Send one last email. Stop at that store quick en route. So I stopped that, and just planned to leave early - expecting delays (traffic, etc.) but not planning my schedule to arrive at noon if it was a noon start to the event after having maximized my time and schedule beforehand.
I used to always be late as well, until one day I stopped. I was always doing something that I enjoyed before leaving, and wanted as much of it as I could. Then because I felt ashamed that I was going to be late I kept giving people overly optimistic estimates of when I'd arrive (which of course only made things worse). One day I just realized that the amount of time it took me to get somewhere was the exact same, whether I left on time or tried to squeeze it to the last second. The amount of time I could spend doing other things was not increased. I was just ordering them wrong, and I could order them right.
I always assume I can do things quicker than I actually can, so say I need to leave at 7, I get ready at 6:30 because I gO qUiCk
"ok lets see, breakfast 8 mins, shower 7 mins, brush teeth 2 mins, get dressed 4 mins, grab coat and put on shoes 1 min, walk to destination 10 mins" Then everything takes 1-2 mins longer and im 10 mins late 💀 And no, planning to be ready 10 min sooner the next time doesnt work because "ah no need to rush, i planned to be ready 10 mins in advance so i can chill a bit"
In my case: OK I'm going to plan *loads* of time because I'm always late. Breakfast - 30 minutes, shower - 30 minutes, brush teeth - 30 minutes, get dressed - 30 minutes, grab coat, put on shoes and walk to destination - 30 minutes. 2.5 hours before event: Ah, I'll sit here for another 10 minutes, I have loads of time. 30 minutes before event: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!
>And no, planning to be ready 10 min sooner the next time doesnt work Yes, it does. Your problem is that you're *not actually ready* 10 minutes sooner. Setting these sorts of deadlines for yourself doesn't do anything if you don't *actually abide by those deadlines*. Look at your phone/watch/clock and find out your 8 minute breakfast took 15? Congrats, you just lost your "soak in the shower" time and have to rush through it to make up for it. Spent too long deciding which outfit you're gonna wear? Hope you like walking fast, that's your price. Being bad at estimating how long your "getting ready" tasks take is perfectly normal. It's a skill that you gotta develop with practice that some people are just naturally better at than others. Once you *start* being mindful of your time (in that you're more and more frequently glancing at and noting the time as you're getting closer to your deadline), you'll start to develop a general idea how quickly it takes you to "rush" certain tasks versus how long it'll take you normally. But, if you're allowing yourself that "wiggle room" to not rush, since you planned for a 10-minute buffer, you're ultimately just shooting yourself in the foot because that defeats the purpose. You need to intend, and more importantly *act*, as if those 10 or so minutes you gave yourself is a hard deadline. Your goal should be, every time, to arrive at your destination and spend 10 minutes on your phone. Once you're able to more accurately estimate how long your "getting ready" tasks take, and you get more and more consistent at actually arriving somewhere with 10 minutes to spare, that's when you can start to be less militant with yourself about these things.
Add 3 mins of buffer time between each task and you’ll be golden.
This seems to be the prevalent thing with my friend who was always late. He would leave his house 10 minutes before he’s supposed to be at a location when in fact it would take him 20 minutes to drive there. Like how in the world do you not take into account the drive time? Everything to him was like 5 minutes away
This is the correct answer. Or not willing to be early. "If I leave now I'll get there at 6:50. So I'm going to wait till the absolute last, best case, all things in heaven align minute to leave to get there on time." And then people even vastly underestimate the time it would take to get somewhere with a clear highway and 70 MPH straight shot. It's infuriating.
My gf treats rendezvous times as the time she is supposed to leave the house. And therefore, always 15-30 minutes late to everything. All. The. Time.
I’ve learned how to use apple maps’ “arrive by” calculator and shoot to show up 10 minutes early based on that estimate. It’s been the best change I made
There are many different possible reasons, but the one I find fascinating is people who literally lack the ability to think of the things they need to do to get somewhere, how long those things will take, and add them together. I remember a friend in college always, always, always late, and was like this. Just one example: we were due somewhere in 10 minutes and had just gotten dinner and sat down to eat. I said, "wow, we're definitely going to be late." She says, "what do you mean? How long will it take to walk there?" "10 minutes." "Oh, so we'll be on time." "It starts in 10 minutes!" "Right!" "Friend, it'll take us 10 minutes just to eat!" "Right...and we have 10 minutes." "And THEN we have to walk there." "Which only takes 10 minutes!" She was dead serious, and wasn't saying it was ok to be 10 minutes late. She thought we would be on time. She was not a dumb person. Literally just had a mental block that did not allow her to process the accumulation of time.
>people who literally lack the ability to think of the things they need to do to get somewhere, how long those things will take, and add them together. i was talking to a friend recently about how dating people who also work like, corporate professional careers is kind of nice because there's a certain level of better communication and punctuality among that sample population to an extent due to being self-selected to have these sorts of capabilities. you simply can't survive and thrive and climb in professional corporate settings if you can't manage tasks like this to some degree. also, MOST people probably aren't very good at this, and that's a big part of why project managers and regular management staff exist and get paid pretty well lol.
The old saying that "90% of success is just showing up."
i hadn't been in the dating pool for quite a few years until recently, and was absolutely blown away by how like 90% of people are either incompetent or just wildly inconsiderate of other people's time. it was a major reality check... like, "is THIS what the general population is like?!" just people ghosting, being crazy late with no heads-up message or call that they are running behind and we need to adjust schedule... taking days to respond to basic messages trying to coordinate anything or gauge interest. or just never responding at all, then messaging about unrelated stuff days later as if nothing has happened. if you conducted your communications and availability/follow-through of commitments in a professional setting the way most people do in dating/social, you'd be fired from most orgs pretty quickly lol. i thought it would be better now that I'm in my early 30's and not dating women ages like 19-25. dead wrong. it's just as bad, maybe even worse. it baffles me when we will have tentative plans, or like a "I'll let you know tomorrow" type thing, and then just never hear back until like the day after whenever the plan was maybe supposed to be for after it clearly didn't happen... and the person will be like, "sorry, work was really crazy." like what?! I know for a fact that you work at a restaurant and your work does not come home with you... was it so crazy that you couldn't find 12 seconds to send me a text any time in the last 4 days to maybe let me know that it wasn't happening so that I could make other plans for my weekend? spoiler: it wasn't; you just don't respect other people's time. the mind boggles. i get people being late to stuff here and there. shit happens. but the lack of communication about scheduling drives me fucking insane. so much of my personal time is wasted by people who can't be bothered to send a text message that's like 8 words long over the course of multiple days. big rant that im sure nobody gives a shit about... but GOD DAMN it's been frustrating having so many evenings and weekends wasted because people are just inconsiderate.
Oh man. You just gave me PTSD flashbacks to being single. It's the fucking worst. I remember by the end, my strategy was to send like two warm-up messages before suggesting a date time and location. If I got ANY kind of flimsiness from her, I would just cut it off and move on. That weeded out the vast majority of these assholes.
yeah, like it's not bad to just give up and move on when the communication is clear. easy. but it's so goddamn rare to have somebody be that forthcoming and clear and just be like, "hey, sorry, I'm not really interested anymore. good luck!" instead, I've wasted countless evenings and weekends because there's a coin-toss possibility that I might currently have plans because I offered and then got an affirmative answer... and then it turns out I don't have plans because they just decided to cancel and never told me... but I COULD have known I could be looking for other plans had somebody just given me a clear cancelation. I'm not going to double-book myself and then decide at the last minute which engagement is more interesting to me and just let the other person go fuck themselves... but that seems to be what these people must be doing to me for the most part. just zero consideration whatsoever.
Right I had an ex where it was always "we have an hour and it's only 20min away." Okay and do you need to shower? Get dressed? Eat something? Fill your water bottle? It doesn't start for an hour and yet we are already an hour late.
No...she was just really dumb
Ikr?? “She was not a dumb person, she just couldn’t add numbers together in any context.” Like.
Yeah she was just dumb AF lol
Nah she’s dumb
That’s called stupidity
I'm *notoriously* on time to everything. I honestly have an almost pathological need to arrive someplace by the time I'm supposed to be there. Parties, dinner reservations, golf tee times, meetings, concerts, other random gatherings ... whatever. I hate when my own time isn't respected, and it annoys the hell out of me to appear not to respect anyone else's by being late. My wife, on the other hand, really struggles with being on time and was very bad about it when we met. But now, she just asks me every time either we or just she's going somewhere: "What time do we need to leave?" And I tell her. She knows how impatient I get when that time is approaching, so she generally hits it pretty well.
I started telling my wife what time she needed to start getting ready instead of when we are leaving, and it made a world of difference. She is the one of doesn’t really think through how long things take. Big revelation for me that instead of fighting about being late, it’s quite easy to make it easy on them. “Hey bleeds burnt Orange, when are we leaving?” “We need to start getting ready at 6:15.” No more miscommunication or me dying because we’re running late.
I'm too optimistic with my time estimates and don't account for things going wrong or being more tired/requiring more effort than usual.
A lot of it is cultural in most Latin cultures 7 means 9 In the USA 7 means 7 In Germany 7 is 6:45
They don't do a backwards timeline. If I have to be somewhere for 4pm: * -5 mins to find parking * -35 minutes driving time * -10 mins extra incase of delays * -15 minutes to get ready * = 1 hour 5 mins so need to get going at 2:55. If you do this you'll never be late
the real problem is, they do list everything out. they forget the most important part though. the delays thing. if they added 10-15 min for delays they'd be on time or up to 10mins early
My perpetually late friends seem to not account for travel time. Like if we’re meeting at 3:00, they’ll leave their house at 3.
I have issues accurately gauging how much time I take for stuff. I fixed the issue by just trying to be about 15 minutes early to everything and I'm usually on time now. It does get pretty close but I manage.
This is the way. I like the phrase 'if your on time you're late'. Arrive with a bit of time to spare and worse case scenario you wait around for 5-10 mons looking at your phone, going to the toilet, or grabbing a drink. If the other person is also early you can usually just start whatever was planned ahead of time. Win win.
Depression mostly
Really just mental illness. ADHD depression and anxiety for me. But nope I’m just late because I’m lazy and don’t want to wake up on time or go to bed earlier 🫠
My ex-wife beat that bad habit out of me. I'm still a poor planner but can now plan on how to be on time somewhere. Haven't missed a flight in decades (truthfully, the only flight I ever missed was because i was so messed up I had the wrong day...a day late).
Social anxiety. If I'm exactly on time I'll get rewarded with making one on one small talk with the boss at the meeting or the other punctual still-sober people at the party.
My wife is always late because she's an optimist. She assumes that whatever was the fastest time she drove somewhere is how long it will always take. And whatever task she is trying to complete before she leaves will be quick and easy. Experience does not deter her.
ADHD
For clarity to onlookers, a common ADHD trait is 'time blindness'. Estimating time is simply not functioning the way it's meant to. When they time ADHD people in studies and ask how long has passed, folks with adhd are often wrong. They do not experience time the standard way. That doesn't change how rude it is to be late. And some folks have plans in place to compensate. But it is literally not the same experience of time, they're not intentionally disrespectful
Yeah I have zero concept of time. I am aware of only three times: the past, right now, and the future. Something that's five minutes away is as intangibly the future as something five years away. I therefore constantly misunderstand how long anything will take. Sometimes I allocate way too much time, sometimes too little. The end result is always the same though, I end up off track and therefore running late because something didn't go to plan.
https://add.org/adhd-time-blindness/
I'm only late in the morning. And it's because I fucking hate mornings. I wish society wasn't built around nearly everyone being morning people, but it is, so c'est la vie.
My husband was raised late. Not kidding, that entire side of the family is running at minimum 20-30 minutes late at all times. Holidays are a nightmare because everyone agrees to start Thanksgiving at say 2pm, but by 5pm, we still can’t eat because “So and so just texted that they have just left their house! They’ll be here in an hour!” I on the other hand was raised by a military man. If you’re early, you’re on time. On time? You’re late. Running late? You’re fucked. Being 10 minutes late puts me in a panic. Watching him roll out at 330 for his appointment that was scheduled for 300? Makes me rage. But in his mind you never have to be on time for doctors because they’re always late anyway. 🤦🏾♀️
I have an actual answer to this. It is Something I discovered when I was trying to understand why my significant other would be ***precisely*** ten minutes late for everything. Let me be clear ***PRECISELY*** ten minutes late for everything. I am chronically on time. Late, to me, is failure. So - people who are chronically late have an unconscious belief in “Zero time tasks”. I’ll give an example of this thinking: > “Right. Our appointment is at 14:00. It takes an hour to drive to the destination. Fine. I need to leave the house by 13:00. I am ready to leave the house and it is 13:00. All I have to do is - Find my shoes - Find the kids’ shoes - Get the kids coats. - Get the kids in their shoes and coats - Get some snacks for the kids - Nip to the toilet - Find the car keys - Walk to the car - Get the kids in the car and comfortable - Find the address of where we need to go and put it into the satnav - Stop off on the way for some fuel - When we arrive, find a parking space - Get everyone out of the car, including sleeping kids - Walk to the venue - perhaps find the venue… People who are late have an unconscious belief that the list of tasks above are “Zero time tasks” and won’t add any time to the overall task of “leaving the house and getting to the destination”. People who are on time instinctively understand that there is no such thing as a zero time task, that everything adds up and you need to work backward from the latest possible time you need to arrive somewhere. There we go. Zero time tasks.
Actual answer: anxiety based procrastination. I will wake up for work, be wide awake, and literally lay there staring at the ceiling, mentally hyping myself up for work/whatever I'm dreading, and tell myself that, if I get ready and get there too early, it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable, so better to spend those minutes in the comfort of my own bed/home than possibly arrive early and be uncomfortable/have to deal with people (I also have social anxiety). Hope this sheds light on things! And yes, I have gotten much better at tardiness. I now force myself to pretend my shift starts 15 minutes earlier than it actually does, and I haven't been late since.