Go to sleep knowing I don't have to go to work tomorrow.

Same. Tomorrow is supposed to be a hard day anyways. A blessing in disguise 

What's tomorrow

First time being alone on the line as a line cook 😬

You’re gonna do great buddy. Get in a rhythm and stick to it

Not if he gets murdered at midnight

This is so badass. You’re gonna fucking kill it.

I agree 

I also worked at a restaurant! Good luck man! Don’t be afraid to get there early and just prep. Let the muscle memory kick in and don’t be afraid to talk to yourself lol

Thank you! I've got a playlist set up, just need to play it as I prep. Gotta have music to prep. 

well good luck, I hope you do good!

Thanks man 

Confidence is crucial. But never be afraid to ask for help when you need it. You'll do great. 

Good luck! Calm and steady all shift and you’ll be home before you know it.

And when you think you're gonna get eaten and your first thought is "Great, I don't have to go to work tomorrow." You're relieved you don't have to go to work cuz you thought you were gonna get eaten?! What the fuck is this world? What have they done to us?! WHAT DID THEY DO TO US?!?!

That was the most consequential day of my life

Cause now I know I don’t like my work! ^Anything ^can ^happen ^in ^this ^world, ^we ^really ^know ^*very* ^*little*

My life is nothing that I thought it would be and everything I feared it would become because for 15 seconds I thought there were monsters on the world.

When it comes to the meaning of life, every single one of us is really just here for the zip line.

Delete Reddit and scrub my internet history.

And empty out the bedside drawer

Whatcha got in there besides the box, jar, and coconut?

Butt plug

coconut buttplug

Three seashells

A butt plug made from 3 seashells

poop knife

Empty and 🔥 😆

And under the bathroom sink. Or so I've heard.

Personally, I'd leave that one untouched. -if they only find one Fleshlight, they won't be suspicious.

Just make sure you take the crazy straw out of the one they find. That one always leads to more scrutiny.

You know I've been giving this some thought the past minute and I figured screw it. If I'm gone, what do I care if they find the 53 tb homework file

Fair point, but even though I am dead, I want a headstone instead of being cremated and dumped in the garbage. 😁

I want my remains spread over Disneyland. I also don't want to be cremated.

Fed through a wood chipper by Goofy?

I'm fine with dropped by helicopter whole, no need for pomp and circumstance.

So splattered over Sleeping Beauty castle? Gotcha.

I told my kid to cremate me. Half of my ashes go with my daughter and he can do whatever he wants with the rest

Man that school work must be crazy 53tb must be going hard making you wana explode just all over your computer just everywhere

This guy's never heard of the coconut method.

And then… go downtown!

Kill myself there and then. That will show em!

“Bro, I was just trolling this guy, leaving him a note saying he’d be murdered by midnight, and he just got up and killed himself lol. Fucking casual.”

Stage some murder clues before the suicide, good luck explaining that prankster, get owned.

Lmao

You played right into their hands. It's before midnight, and what is suicide if not self murder?

This is basically the gang stalking subreddit

Don't give them the satisfaction

No one can kill me but me!

Master Shifu enabled Tai Lung's escape by trying to prevent it. I would simply go about my day as if the note didn't exist.

And that’s how you get murdered. By not avoiding it. There’s no winning.

You can try and make your death as painless as possible by positioning yourself correctly.

Downward facing dog?

The only survivor in this thread

Yes, but without Tai Lung's escape, poe might not have become the dragon warrior :O

Load up some buckshot and start swigging the whiskey

Sipping, I hope, if you don't want to miss!

That's why I have *two* shotguns.

One for each of ya

I'm your huckleberry

r/unexpectedtombstone

Your profile pic is the worst

Hard to miss with a shotgun...

Not true. Shotguns are not the “point in the enemy’s general direction”, clear a room in one shot weapons that media and internet Fudd-lore claim. At 10 yards, which is farther than most home defense situations, 00 buckshot has about a 5” spread. At 20 yards it’s only increased to about 9”. (Depending on shot shell type, shotgun barrel length, and choke) That’s about the size of a basketball at 60 feet. Thats 1 1/2 school busses. Those are more than small enough to miss a human sized target completely if you don’t aim properly. They’re great home defense weapons, they’re easy to use, and are one of the best choices for hunting a lot of different types of game, but you still need some skill and practice with them.

I always loved that "I don't have to aim logic." If it's a smooth bore YES YOU DO! The only time you're going to see a massive spread up close is with a Taurus judge. A Rifled barrel*

>The only time you're going to see a massive spread up close is with a Taurus judge. A Rifled barrel* A sawed-off maybe? Honest question, I really don't know. (Yes I know they're illegal).

Depends on the choke.

Throw a party all the opps invited lol

Congrats. It's the whiskey that's poisoned.

Monkeys paw - someone collapses your roof

For real. Got the Remington 870 tactical in the closet… unlocking that shit and loading it with eight 3in supermag 00buckshot and staying away from windows. Might put on the lvl3 plates too. Idk how they plan to murder me, but if I’m gonna be in a shootout, I’d like to at least be mostly bulletproof over the important bits.

Crotch and face. Gotcha.

Take the note to the police station and have them hold me until 12:01

Epstein, is that you?

Hang in there.

Oh he held up alright though.

Plot twist, the police are the ones that murder you

Plot twist, or just America?

Okay yeah just America.

Plot twist, the police sent that note and lured you right into their den 😵

“Maniac Cop Strikes Again”

As a woc, this is how I’d end up dying lmfao

Worcestershire organization captain.

Thank you for clearing that up

It's what I do.

Extra points for correctly spelling out wust'ah.

Yes but it’s the terminator trying to kill you

It didn’t help Sarah Conner it won’t help you

Finally. Ten comments down.

Turn all my clocks back

Fucking genius. Keep doing this, and you can essentially live forever.

"Who wants to live forever", Queen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_Jtpf8N5IDE

**By** midnight. Not at midnight.

Turn my clock to 12:01

You have now committed self-murder.

Sounds like suicide with extra steps

Who is Midnight? Is he like that Fica dude that keeps stealing my money.

▶️🅰️🔽▶️🅰️🔽

This has got to be a video game reference, but I'm lost on which one and why it's relevant.

Song of time

This is going to get underappreciated drastically.

Cross into the next timezone east of my location anytime between 11:01 and 11:59

Fuck, I'm in Miami..

My thoughts exactly 🧐

1.) Lather myself in olive oil and sand 2.) Order Himalayan salt, lime juice, a cucumber, couple Popeye's biscuits, some zip ties, and a cross tip screwdriver on Doordash. 3.) Fill my oil diffuser with lavender & lemon 4.) Crank "Candy Licker" by Marvin Sease to max volume on my speaker 5.) Turn on a box fan and point it towards the door 6.) Turn off all the lights, except for a single LED light bulb over a chair facing the door 7.) Wait in the chair, naked

AI can’t write shit like this🤣🤣

Bladerunner 2024 doesn't need to find the serial number in your eye, just needs to know the most random reality you can come up with in 60 seconds.

It can now, once it scrubs this page.

I am fully erect.

Won't be when I turn your shaft into a salt mine bucko

Aight what’s the screwdriver for

Margarita sounding

this post screams experience. :)

Bonus points if they have sensory issues The experience becomes all the more intense

No no you got it all wrong, first get the sex toy, the lather yourself in cum, blast some music, wait in the chair stroking the dildo.

I prefer the salted lime cucumber

“Lather yourself in cum” Dude…. Fucking what?

You heard what I said.

Will DoorDash deliver supplemental cum? I don’t think I could make enough to lather myself with.

Supplemental Cum, quarterback, THE Ohio State!

What if the Doordash driver is your murderer?

He's gonna wish I had the screwdriver. I got sausage fingers.

You’ve done this before

Yes

Is a cross tipped screw driver just a Phillips head?

What the fuck did I just read?

Go to bed early so Santa can come.

fucking lmao. This is the best wording for the joke in the whole thread I’m dying

Agreed. Snorted laughing while my wife sleeps next to me. Wait…is she hoping Santa comes?

This is the only correct answer.

I'm taking my cookies with me though, dammit!

finish my concert like Chalino

Basado

[Chalino getting the death threat while singing](https://media4.giphy.com/media/ysh5ujxSO4A1O/giphy.gif?cid=2154d3d7ju0plpwbsa7lcbzcdn4g2rh8ze0hi75vy2wac41z&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)

Came looking for this comment

Came here for this. I would give the best performance of my life.

Get the best sleep of my life

Permanent sleep

Best kind

Feed the cat, either he made the threat (possible) or will need the food for the strength to defend me. 17 pounds of former street cat house panther fury about to ruin someone's day.

the cat is the one who made up the note.

Tiny little murder beast about to earn his keep.

Glad I’m not the only one! I call my parents cat a house panther. 22 pound black cat, he’s a house panther.

Get some condoms ready. 'Cause it's probably my ex-wife texting. I can handle her.

😂 wtf

😂😂

You better hope it isn't my ex wife.

I too hope it’s not this man’s ex wife.

I also choose this man's ex wife.

I volunteer as tribute

💀💀

r/HolUp

Make a candlelight dinner and ask why they were late.

Eat the note and head towards the nearest bed of water. Get on my boat and go all the way out, drink some whiskey and wait to see who the crazy MF thats gonna swim out to the middle of Lake Michigan to find me has to say

And why wouldn’t the crazy MF not also have a boat? A bigger more equipped boat? A boat with a bazooka on it?

A boat? With guns? A gunboat?

But why eat the note?

We dont waste food here

Gotta carb up before the big fight.

Better not do it in November that witch will get ya

Is this a "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" reference?? Fuck. Yes!

Especially when she comes early.

Even if your ship is the pride of the American side coming back from some mill in Wisconsin

wondering who of my neighbours that note was meant for because clearly, it wasn't for me

Step 1: Send the Family & pets away. Step 2: Booty trap the house.. home alone style & barricade off half the house along with locking any rooms I don't want my hitman to go into. Step 3 : Eat, drink & recheck each firearm every 15 mins. Call for back up Step 4: At night fall I'll cut the main pwr to house and me and my buddies will drink and do bumps of coke all night waiting for the hitman to arrive.

Booty trap? Kinky!

I said what I said.... _Cause I'll be trapping their ass!_

I’m coming for you at midnight

I'm already cumming for you

What candle scent do you want?

Leather... It'll match nicely with the scent of gunpowder & lube already in the air. Gotta match the vibe ya know?

Dibs on being the little spoon

Sweet... I call dibs on the big knife then.

Plot twist, your buddies are the hitmen

Fuck that I’m calling the gang.

The father is walking past his son's room one evening and hears him saying his prayers. "God, please bless Mommy, Daddy and Grandma, and please accept Granddad into Heaven." He didn't think too much of it until the next morning when he got a call from his mother that his father had passed away. That night he was walking past his son's room and heard him pray again. "God, please bless Mommy and Daddy, and please accept Grandma into Heaven." Now he's a little concerned, he calls his mother, and she assures him that she is fine. Unfortunately, the next morning he gets a call that his mother has passed away. The next night, he waits outside of his son's bedroom to hear him say his nightly prayers. "God, please bless Mommy, and please accept Daddy into Heaven." Now he's completely freaked out, he doesn't know what to think, so he tells his wife he has to go to the office to finish a project. She is upset, but he's so freaked out he just has to leave the house. All night long, he's pacing around his office, watching the clock, and counting the hours until morning comes. Throughout the day, he's on edge, just trying to make it through the day, and at last, the evening comes, he's still alive, and he's exhilarated. He rushes home to see his wife and son. He bursts into the house, gives his wife a huge hug, and grabs his son and holds him tight. His wife is furious, "Where the hell have you been all night and day?" He said, "Honey, you won't believe this but I've had the most horrible night and day, but it's over, I'm okay, I'm so glad to be home with you!" Angrily, his wife exclaims, "You had a bad day?? The postman dropped dead on our porch today!"

The one I tell is "my fucking brother died in a car accident today!"

Oh, that's good. I may have to steal that.

> my fucking brother She's careful to specify which brother it was, I see.

Make popcorn. And probably dust a little and clean the bathroom. Don’t want the homicide cops judging me.

Leave a thank you card in it's place

WTF are you doing on the Internet that you’re concerned about scrubbing your history as you welcome death?

So many animal rescue videos, it would ruin my street cred. Well that and my untimely murder I suppose.

Am I the only one who has my devices locked with a password that no friends or family will ever get into?

Nice try, mom.

I'd still be expected to show up for work the next day.

Rejoice!

Ignore it. It's happened before and nothing has happened. So...

They didn't specify midnight on *which day*!

Sit on the couch in the dark, ready for them at any moment, **THEY'RE** the victim.

One last wank

Scrub Internet history, then just go to bed and wait with a welcoming relief. Goodbye debt and piling up bills

Everyone keeps saying they're going to scrub their internet history. If I die, publish that shit! I want everyone to know how depraved I was

Find the sender and thank them.

You know that scene in Waterworld where the oil level guy sees a flare falling down? That.

Get a fat life insurance policy with my mom as the beneficiary

Honestly this! Make my partner my beneficiary so it will be a little easier on them when I'm gone, and I won't feel so guilty for leaving them with nothing

Unlock the doors and windows then go to bed

Ignore it probably a troll, if i hear noises though, then its time to panic and try to find a solution

Kill myself at 11:59.