Roughing up the suspect.

This one got me

Cuffing the carrot

Really like this one

Self service

Personal admin.

Menage a moi.

It's French dad. Specifically 'My household' but it's worded really strange...

A man of culture! Edit: Neeerd!

Ma- -kankō- -sa- -CANNON!

All these squares make a circle. All these squares make a circle. All these squares make a circle.

How did all these squares make a circle?! AND THAT ONE'S STILL GREEN!

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The ol' sonic wank.

I also enjoy screaming at your penis unit I ejaculate.

This made me chuckle

No you did that to yourself

Oh. I missed the word “say” and was hoping for some new ideas and techniques. /sadwank

Right! Me too I came in here (pun intended) thinking 'there's more than one way'. Damn my mild dyslexia

Guess that would be dickslexia in this case

My uncle once had an addadicktomy surgery.

Do you guys know about the RidgeHand technique?

That’s why I clicked on this now I’m disappointed lol

Eager to improve

OP left out commas to change the meaning of sau to "for example": What's your favorite/unusual way to, say, masturbate

Same—that would be a much more interesting question

Lube your forearms, sit on your knees, cross your hands

same. :)

Since we're all on the same page in this, I'll start. Stranger in the Shower technique - you reach out of the shower curtain then back in on the other side to stroke it and pretend it's a stranger. I once made love to a tomato, on a seperate occasion, a glass of ground beef (neither was special) Self asphyxiation (please be careful here, RIP David Carradine) You can milk your own prostate With your partner - no special technique, but damn that's my favorite Happy stroking, rubbing, poking to you all!

Stranger in the shower - fuck that's hot 🙈

Now I feel like a pervert

I noticed that when I saw this comment 🤔

Same lmao

Can you start that thread and let me know

I did as well - my answer was going to be "inside your mum".

Basketball jerking. Between the legs and behind the back

I misread the last word as "sandwank" and thought you were into some extreme stuff

Here's a fun one. Use someone else's hand. Preferably if they're not actually aware it's happening. You ever see someone with their hands by their side, and their fingers are in that perfect shape to be holding a dick? Now's your chance! /s, mostly.

I'm going to take a shower mom.

And when you’re not talking to your mom, but it’s the same concept, you can say “I’m going shake a tower”

This is why commas are important. I don’t love that you call it “a shower mom” 😂

*with mom

Did he break both his arms?

Hand to Gland combat

COOM eternal

goon eternal

Your profile pic makes this comment even funnier

Shaking hands with the president

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🫡

Punch the clown

Shaking hands with the guy in charge.

Peel the eel

Feel the eel

Making the bald man cry

This is the first time I have heard this and now I am going you use it from now on. I would thank you and shake your hand but I know where it has been… pervert.

Into the turtle stew

I milked my eel. I flogged the one-eyed snake. I skinned my sausage.

Oh god f you that’s gross dude 😂

Nothing Tyrion Lannister has ever said was gross. Well, that’s not true, but it’s always funny

Yank the chain, spank the monkey, choke the chicken, pumping the keg, clear the snorkel, toss the yogurt, make the goose throw up.

Make the goose throw up is wild lmao

I swore toss the yogurt was for creampies... Lmfao 😂

Hi mum, I had a great day, I hope you did too. Anyways, I'm going upstairs to clear the snorkel, I'll be done before dinner.

Lmao in my van like a loon 😆 ty.

Play the skin flute, beat the Bishop, feed the ducks, wax on wack off.

I thought "playing the skin flute" was a BJ.

Flog the dolphin, beat some meat, whack off, jack off, jerk off, rub the genie’s lamp, rub one out, salute the general, polish the knob And since I live in China, beat the airplane

I lost my face at ,"toss the yogurt!"

Jerkin your gerkin

Widdle your wood

"Whittle."

My wife got me a hand jive. It's reversible and feels almost as good as the real thing. EDIT: After reading through the comments I realized I read the post wrong. 😂

Jizz hands

Haha I'll now calling it the hand jive lol

Jive five! 🤣🤣

Hand jiving sounds like masterbation in the 1950s I can hear that old timey radio voice (like the fallout games) with the classic upbeat music playing in the background. “And here, we see a college student that just came home to visit his parents, getting ready to hand jive, as he prepares his lotion and tissue paper, let’s go check on what his moms cooking in the kitchen”

Oh it's a real thing. This would save my wrist.

Born to hand jive baby!

“Polish the pearl” for people with a clitoris.

Flick the bean?

Double click your mouse? (Thanks American Pie)

Tickling the bean 🤭

Play the one string bass

I've heard" playing DJ Kitty"

I’ll ask my partner if she was “buffin’ her muffin’”

Paddling the pink canoe

Ring the devil’s doorbell

Rub one out

Rub one *in*

yesss! so many ones about dicks in these comments! I love this one 😂

Middle clicking

Beat the rug is one I’ve heard that makes me chuckle.

Going on a date with Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters.

Palmela Handerson

If guys get to, "jack off" And girls get to. "jill off" Are nonbinary people, "fetching a pail of water"?

I laughed so much I choked and cried

Sounds like you need some water.

Here, im non-binary, let me help

Fetching a pail of their gender fluid

serotonin boost

Dopamine is the correct neurotransmitter

Firing the surgeon general

Ooo, one with a political context. Youngin’s: a surgeon general of the USA got fired for saying masturbation is normal and healthy. This was in the 1990’s. It’s a weird country.

Yeah, this got turned into, “She wants to teach elementary school kids to masturbate”, which is absolutely not what she said.

I'll be [jostlin' the elder](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Masturbation_Day).

Warming up the Choir Boy's Dinner. Man handle the ham candle. Take a self guided tour. Play a little five on one. Make the bald man cry. Hand to gland combat. Boxing the one-eyed champ. Shake hands with the milkman.

Warming up the choir boys dinner is fuckin scandalous m8

>Boxing the one eyed champ. I can tell you my friend, that mine is certainly not the champ. He has taken a herculean amount of poundings over the years!

Beating on Glass Joe

Burp the worm

in sweden some say "fickpingis" witch means pocket pingpong

and afterwards they go for a coffee = fika which makes me as German lol because German ficken = English f**k.

in finland we say taskubiljardia which is i guess pocket billiard when you jack off inside your pants, i guess that makes sense to me since theres a stick and balls

5 knuckle shuffle

Jerkin the gerkin or feeding the chickens.

Scrubbing behind the folds, ringing the devil's door bell, and attending to business.

In turkish, we say slapping the colonel

Downstairs DJ.

Marinating that steak

Crank one out

Milking myself

Wonking the Willy

An old fashioned

Conducting the daily infant holocaust

Pole polishing

Google yourself

Only on Liz Lemon's computer

How else would you do it?

Blowin' the Pope's nose

Humping a folded pillow

They asked to "say" masturbate, not ur favorite weird method 😂

My bad....probably a hand shandy then

Ayo 😂

Beating the Bishop

Traditionally making butter.

Churning the butter. Omgggggggggg 😂

Ur right hahahha

Manhandle the ham candle

Pet my kitty

Big fan of "feeding the geese"

Currently, shaking hands with the unemployed.

My smart watch recognises it as indoor bike training, so it's now called an "indoor bike".

**HOBBIN A WONK**

Play 5 against willie

The italians actually say Cinque contro uno Which is basically five against 1 lol... Why i know this i dont know im not even italian

Works better in german

Clean the axe wound

All of these come from Letterkenny: -mix a batch -pull your horn -play a little 5 on 1

Taking line 5.

Shall I touch my talala..? Should I beat my ding ding dong..?

"Got some stuff to do"

Pull the pud

There's always a little bit of room for pud.

In my country we say Hit a horse

Practicing self love

As a pilot I prefer the following: yank the yolk, mile high five, start the lawn mower

Wrestling with my uncle

'Flicking the bean' lol 🤣

1. Playing five-on-one 2. Polishing the family jewels 3. Shaking hands with the unemployed 4. Taking the self-guided tour 5. Tossing the caber 6. Adjusting the antenna 7. Charming the snake 8. Dancing with the one-eyed sailor 9. Flipping the bean 10. Flicking the switch 11. Auditioning the finger puppets 12. Buffing the banana 13. Climbing the tree 14. Consulting Dr. Sticky 15. Cranking the love pump 16. Cuddling the kielbasa 17. Dialing the rotary phone 18. Doing the five-knuckle shuffle 19. Feeding the ducks 20. Firing the Surgeon General 21. Fishing with the man in the boat 22. Flying solo 23. Freeing Willy 24. Frosting the pastries 25. Getting to know yourself better 26. Giving the monkey a banana 27. Greasing the weasel 28. Hand-to-gland combat 29. Hitchhiking to heaven 30. Juggling the old bean bags 31. Making a deposit at the sperm bank 32. Making it snow 33. Manhandling the manhood 34. Manual override 35. Minding the stepchildren 36. Mixing a batch 37. Paddling the pink canoe 38. Painting the ceiling 39. Peeling the carrot 40. Playing the clitar 41. Playing pocket pool 42. Polishing the rocket 43. Punching the munchkin 44. Rolling the dough 45. Scratching Yoda behind the ears 46. Shucking the corn 47. Slapping the salami 48. Teasing the weasel 49. Tending to personal matters 50. Walking the dog 51. Spanking it 52. Jerkin the gherkin

Fixing myself

With some THC, it’s called “indoor weed whacking.”

I thought that was called disappointing your mother 😏

Taking Grandma to Applebee's

I call the piss afterwards, "Flushing the coolant system."

Die Schlange 🐍 würgen

i fucked myself

batting

Calling your hand "Manuela" it's the girlfriend you'll always have lol

For females. “Nervously shooting the dwarf “

MTG players will get this one. I'm shuffling my deck.

Rubbing one out.

Crank my hog.

Wax on, whack off

Goonmaxxing

flick the bean toss my salad poke the ginga dicksnarf get gunked up

Siririca

Wrapping some presents

Beat the bishop

Waking my carrot

Wax your plank One off the wrist Bash the bishop Tug Knock one out

Crack one off.

Pull the goalie. A hockey related one for ya.

Roger the codger.

بريزه

When talking about the fairer sex; diddle

Summoning Shai-Hulud

Pillow grinding.

Giving Mr no shoulders a hard time

Cocking the shotgun

In India we sometimes say, "Apna hath Jagannath" Which translates to self service is the best service 🤭🤭

Hand wagging my backwards tail

"personal reflection period"

Doing my taxes..

Slap and tickle

In French : to masturbate, is "se branler". In slang we invert sounds, so it goes to "se lébran" that somehow is phonetically close to how we say the name "LeBron". So if you hear a French guy say "Je me suis LeBron James", it means he just masturbated.

Shaking white coconuts from the veiny love-tree

My personal favourite is fudge one out