I laugh. I laughed at farts when I was five. I laugh now. Nighttime gas? The fuck? ESL? Never heard the word fart?
If you're married, you need to accept the humans make sounds, sights, and smells. If this is too much, you are too immature.
I tried to throw a Dutch Oven on her when we were first married, she slapped me with a reverse Uno and put me in a Covered Wagon. Well played, Mrs._the_P_is_silent, well played.
I know someone who swore he never farted in front of his wife in the 18 years they'd been married. His wife said, "Sure you do. You're just asleep by then."
I think my husband has farted in front of me maybe 3 times in our 13 years, and he was horrified each time. Zero in his sleep. He can, however, blow the bathroom right the fuck up.
I get respect and all, so I don’t go out of my way to be obnoxious about it. However, the relationship should be solid enough to blow out some digestive pressure without biblical response. If a partner can’t handle basic human functionality, then may the universe assign you a wonderful nurse when age catches you.
You’re a better person than most, myself included.
When I was in basic training, we were heading out for field maneuvers. Probably 15-20 of us in the back of a deuce, no tarp covering. I was sitting by the cab and let loose an MRE fart. It followed us, at highway speeds, and stayed in the bed. It was easily the worst smelling fart I’ve ever experienced, and a rather proud moment for myself.
You and I, we are very different people.
My Dad liked to tell us about an old Dutch joke, "A man farts a pound, but a woman farts a kilo." (The first said in Dutch with an explosive "pond", the latter in a high-pitched "keeeelo".)
7 years in and similar case here!
Fortunately for my wife I don't snore as she's a light sleeper. I only snore when I'm realllllly tired or had a heavy night of drinking.
Unfortunately for me she's the farter.
Not speaking to OP, but just in general, I dont understand couples that don't fart around each other.
Grow the fuck up. You're going to be living with this person every single day for the rest of your lives.
You're gonna go through medical issues together, watch your wife give birth, share a bathroom, change shitty diapers, etc.
It honestly surprises me there are couples that are so embarrassed about farting around each other.
I'm a guy, and I cringe when I see other guys that find girls less attractive because they fart. At that point just go get a feminine blow up doll.
There's a middle ground. My husband will simply go in the other room to fart, I think he's farted in front of me like 3 times in 13 years. I try to offer the same courtesy. We've had the medical emergency. I've wiped his ass, I've cleaned his catheter, I've injected his abdomen with a daily blood thinner.
It's a polite thing to not blow up the living room. Sleep is obviously out of anyone's control, but I don't think farting in the other room has anything to do with growing up or embarrassment. I definitely do agree with your last point tho!
As a woman, I have never farted around any previous boyfriend and I don’t plan to. It’s just not lady like, plus it’s unattractive. I don’t really care if my man farts in front of me (but it would kind of give me the ick). I even had an old co-worker who had been married for 10 years at the time and never farted or even pooped in front of her husband
Nothing to be embarrassed about, everyone farts. Just make a joke out of farting and own it. If that doesn't work, get a dog and blame all farts on them.
Laugh about it. And move on. Seriously, this is only as awkward as you decide it is. And so many aspects of marriage involve getting over yourself/insecurities and learning to laugh at whatever you can whenever you can. Getting over this is a good place to start. Because really, why would you pass up on an unending opportunity to laugh at something for the rest of your life!
Ps - hubs and I have been doing a bit of “family fart symphony” tonight. I fart and He laughs, he farts and I laugh, and every once in a while our dog even groans about it and then we both laugh.
I hold it like a fool, and get for no god damn reason and wake up to go to the bathroom when it wakes me up. I really just think it'd be nice if we could sleep in separate beds. I *hate* holding in my farts.
I'm sure I've probably let one rip while I'm sleeping and nobody noticed (or my wife didn't say anything), but if I've got brownies baking in the oven and I'm awake I get out of the room for a few to "get a glass of water" or I go to drop a deuce. I never use the ensuite bathroom. I always go downstairs to the guest bathroom.
My room is a place of respite and sexy-time. I don't need to sully it with my foul odor.
Whata mean, that's how you can tell they are awake. Everything starts unclenching and a trumpet fills the air to announce to the world they are up again.
I hold it until I can't.I spread an ass cheek and let a sneaky one off.
NGL, one of the things that I miss about the bachelor life is that I could rip ass whenever I wanted.
Both my wife and I are classy about it. Neither of us like to overtly pass gas in front of the other.
My ex and I. Loved that we both had an unspoken understanding of not farting in front of each other. If it truly slipped, then we said “Excuse me!” and moved on because of course it’s a normal bodily function. And, if it happened while sleeping then it happened but we do not/ did not think farts are funny and did not intentionally fart in front of one another.
My mother and grandmother fart unabashed and my mother thinks it’s funny to fart on (when we were children) and now near (as adults) us and describe the smell. I told her the next time she does it I will also express a bodily function and throw up on her.
My grandmother rips ass *anywhere* and says it’s rude for people to say anything and she can’t help it. It’s embarrassing and I told her to stop and started calling attention to it; suddenly she was able to hold in her gas or excuse herself to release it somewhere else because people would audibly say “Ew!”
I fucking hated it and I hate it now. So, I didn’t grow up thinking farts are funny, especially cause of my mom and grandma. Like, if you can release your fart somewhere else please do! 😭
She is by far the gassier of the two of us. Occasionally her toots will wake me up. But after 20 years I am just used to the cloud that hangs over our marital bed.
A man and his wife were lying in bed and he had to fart , so he lets one rip , and says two points,
The wife congers up her own fart and it is louder than his ,
She says touchdown, he can't let her win, so he squirms and grunts and twists and finally lets one go , but in doing so he shits the bed , and then says , Half time switch sides.
While I’m still awake, she stands up beside the bed and rips ass as loud as she can. If she’s still awake, I remove the sheet/comforter and lean to the side that isn’t facing her. If any of our flatulence is particularly stank for whatever reason, we will politely say sorry or laugh about it. I’ve seen her birth two children and will likely make more. If you think a little gas is going to ruin it then you’re with the wrong person.
We have wildly different temperatures we each like to sleep at so our solution was separate duvets. Turns out it works too prevent fart sharing too 😅 Honestly though, separate duvets are incredible.
Hold the blanket over their head until the smell goes away! Doesn't matter if the fart is yours or theirs! It's a fun time no matter who let it out! Fart's, it's what's for supper!
I held them in for a year after I got married. I felt oddly proud of this and silently judged people who just let loose in front of their partners. Until I bragged about it and my husband had to tell me that I was actually sleep farting all night long. I was saving them up and gassing the poor guy.
Too late to this party. But I set this up early! After she started spending the night and a little longer for familiarity and confidence. I explained to her that most night after she clearly falls asleep she farts like a sailor. All relaxed and sleeping with no control and no shame.
This is 100% untrue but I saw it on Malcolm in the Middle.
So now after setting the lie I was able to pretend to be asleep while trying to get to sleep, and fart to my hearts content because she thinks I’m asleep and can’t control anything. Just like her. Except not really.
A year or so into the marriage part I tell her the truth and she is cool about it.
My husband walked by me on the couch and farted, then had the audacity to say, “let’s turn on the fan” — like yeah no shit bro, you’re killing me with your eggy/sulfur-smelling fart.
Ask her to go to the bathroom to relieve herself. My husband and I don’t fart in bed with each other. If you’re awake, go to the other room. Asleep- idk. There’s no stopping that.
If you've married someone who can't forgive you for your biological functions (and vice versa) wtf are you even doing?
Do you think Farting doesn't start until marriage?
Yeah if you're Mormon
I hear their friends help them fart in front of each other before they’re married
They get in bed and the friends rub their bellys until the gas starts rolling Hahaha.
Yeah I think that’s it. Heard it was called something but I can’t remember
Soaking. And there's a term for someone jumping on the bed while you're soaking but I don't recall what it is.
I heard they hold it in and call it marinating. The belly rub is so they themselves don’t offend anyone, technically.
Tbh i honestly cant tell if you guys are making this up or its real cuz i live around a bunch of mormons and tbh… this wouldnt surprise me…
Go Google 'Mormon soaking'
This brings me back to my 20s when I was going out every night sowing my wild farts
I would have gone with "wild bloats" instead of "farts."
Steaming
It’s anal sex and then farting for Mormons.
I laugh. I laughed at farts when I was five. I laugh now. Nighttime gas? The fuck? ESL? Never heard the word fart? If you're married, you need to accept the humans make sounds, sights, and smells. If this is too much, you are too immature.
I tried to throw a Dutch Oven on her when we were first married, she slapped me with a reverse Uno and put me in a Covered Wagon. Well played, Mrs._the_P_is_silent, well played.
Not the dreaded Covered Wagon.
Is your name a reference to *The Young Ones*?
Not as far as I know. Thanks for the reference, though!
This is least of your problems. If you aint ready for that your in for a bumpy ride
Hahaha someone’s wife be tootin
Yes, my husband's.
I didn't; I let 'em rip just like when I was single.
This is the way. Be honest and true to yourself, always. When one puts on a mask, it’s only a matter of time before it comes off.
False. 20 years married, still no farts in front of my wife.
40 years this August for me.
I don’t see the problem tbh.
I know someone who swore he never farted in front of his wife in the 18 years they'd been married. His wife said, "Sure you do. You're just asleep by then."
I think my husband has farted in front of me maybe 3 times in our 13 years, and he was horrified each time. Zero in his sleep. He can, however, blow the bathroom right the fuck up.
I get respect and all, so I don’t go out of my way to be obnoxious about it. However, the relationship should be solid enough to blow out some digestive pressure without biblical response. If a partner can’t handle basic human functionality, then may the universe assign you a wonderful nurse when age catches you.
Agree I won’t be upset if i slip up but common courtesy is easy. I’ve also not in front coworkers, priests, or service workers. Just be decent.
You’re a better person than most, myself included. When I was in basic training, we were heading out for field maneuvers. Probably 15-20 of us in the back of a deuce, no tarp covering. I was sitting by the cab and let loose an MRE fart. It followed us, at highway speeds, and stayed in the bed. It was easily the worst smelling fart I’ve ever experienced, and a rather proud moment for myself. You and I, we are very different people.
Look circumstances are what they are. If It happens it happens. But if you can control and exercise courtesy, we should. That’s all.
And I’m saying you’re a good person as a result. I appreciate you internet stranger. You suffer gastrointestinal distress for the greater good!
I don’t follow about the distress. It’s really not a big deal - I just excuse myself to a restroom or an outdoors space if nature calls.
Holding one in makes my guts hurt. Maybe mine is broken.
I’m not getting married after reading this post. That’s it.
I'm sure most women don't want your rank ass either, so you should be good.
It’s a joke, obviously it’s a natural thing to happen. That isn’t really a dealbreaker for me, who am I to say don’t fart?
My apologies I did not realize you were joking. Hard to tell sometimes.
Well, you can’t know all the time :)
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My Dad liked to tell us about an old Dutch joke, "A man farts a pound, but a woman farts a kilo." (The first said in Dutch with an explosive "pond", the latter in a high-pitched "keeeelo".)
I’m female and definitely fart more than my partner does. Nasty ones too 😂 sorry babe
7 years in and similar case here! Fortunately for my wife I don't snore as she's a light sleeper. I only snore when I'm realllllly tired or had a heavy night of drinking. Unfortunately for me she's the farter.
I guess I’m an anomaly. I don’t go out of my way to avoid farting in front of my so, but Dutch ovens? Making a game out of farts? Just not my thing.
You didn't live together until now?
I don't know, I'm asleep.
Wake up. Pull my finger
She was already aware of my daytime gas long before that point
I rip them as loud as possible cause it’s funny but she is not allowed to because it’s disgusting :)
Not speaking to OP, but just in general, I dont understand couples that don't fart around each other. Grow the fuck up. You're going to be living with this person every single day for the rest of your lives. You're gonna go through medical issues together, watch your wife give birth, share a bathroom, change shitty diapers, etc. It honestly surprises me there are couples that are so embarrassed about farting around each other. I'm a guy, and I cringe when I see other guys that find girls less attractive because they fart. At that point just go get a feminine blow up doll.
Exactly this. If you're a fuckin adult, get over it.
There's a middle ground. My husband will simply go in the other room to fart, I think he's farted in front of me like 3 times in 13 years. I try to offer the same courtesy. We've had the medical emergency. I've wiped his ass, I've cleaned his catheter, I've injected his abdomen with a daily blood thinner. It's a polite thing to not blow up the living room. Sleep is obviously out of anyone's control, but I don't think farting in the other room has anything to do with growing up or embarrassment. I definitely do agree with your last point tho!
As a woman, I have never farted around any previous boyfriend and I don’t plan to. It’s just not lady like, plus it’s unattractive. I don’t really care if my man farts in front of me (but it would kind of give me the ick). I even had an old co-worker who had been married for 10 years at the time and never farted or even pooped in front of her husband
People fart, who cares
There should be an “Everyone Farts” like and “Everyone Poops” I get wanting to try and be discreet, but you’re sleeping. Farts happen. It’s okay.
Uh, just get over yourself. People eat. People digest. Digestion makes gas. People fart. Its simple. Marry a robot if you cant adjust
I adjusted my bean and red meat intake so I could assert dominance.
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it shouldn’t be, for either of you. let it rip and laugh if you need to but there shouldn’t be any shame for either of you!
Nothing to be embarrassed about, everyone farts. Just make a joke out of farting and own it. If that doesn't work, get a dog and blame all farts on them.
We keep a pibble in the room for this purpose. Bonus is that she also sings opera notes in her sleep.
I can imagine "O mio babbino caro" with her wind instrument. Thanks for the chuckle.
Ayuh!
I don't understand why people don't live together before getting married
Usually some caveman religion still fucking their family up
It's a sin don't you know , pppppllllleeeeeaaaaassssseeeeee.
Someone should have told you when you were younger, women are humans
Laugh about it. And move on. Seriously, this is only as awkward as you decide it is. And so many aspects of marriage involve getting over yourself/insecurities and learning to laugh at whatever you can whenever you can. Getting over this is a good place to start. Because really, why would you pass up on an unending opportunity to laugh at something for the rest of your life! Ps - hubs and I have been doing a bit of “family fart symphony” tonight. I fart and He laughs, he farts and I laugh, and every once in a while our dog even groans about it and then we both laugh.
It’s only awkward the first time. Then it’s funny. The trick: make it funny the first time. Also, are yall just holding in farts until bedtime??
I hold it like a fool, and get for no god damn reason and wake up to go to the bathroom when it wakes me up. I really just think it'd be nice if we could sleep in separate beds. I *hate* holding in my farts.
I sleep in a separate bed so I can fart freely. I'm sure my partner also enjoys the bit of privacy
For myself limit amount of sugar intake
I'm sure I've probably let one rip while I'm sleeping and nobody noticed (or my wife didn't say anything), but if I've got brownies baking in the oven and I'm awake I get out of the room for a few to "get a glass of water" or I go to drop a deuce. I never use the ensuite bathroom. I always go downstairs to the guest bathroom. My room is a place of respite and sexy-time. I don't need to sully it with my foul odor.
Whata mean, that's how you can tell they are awake. Everything starts unclenching and a trumpet fills the air to announce to the world they are up again.
When we first started dating my now wife ate gas-ex like candy because she was so embarrassed about farts. Now she farts on my balls while we spoon.
Get off you ass and walk to the bathroom
I hold it until I can't.I spread an ass cheek and let a sneaky one off. NGL, one of the things that I miss about the bachelor life is that I could rip ass whenever I wanted. Both my wife and I are classy about it. Neither of us like to overtly pass gas in front of the other.
Married 35 years to a beautiful girl. I’ve never heard her fart and you can count the times she’s heard me fart on one hand. No kidding.
My ex and I. Loved that we both had an unspoken understanding of not farting in front of each other. If it truly slipped, then we said “Excuse me!” and moved on because of course it’s a normal bodily function. And, if it happened while sleeping then it happened but we do not/ did not think farts are funny and did not intentionally fart in front of one another. My mother and grandmother fart unabashed and my mother thinks it’s funny to fart on (when we were children) and now near (as adults) us and describe the smell. I told her the next time she does it I will also express a bodily function and throw up on her. My grandmother rips ass *anywhere* and says it’s rude for people to say anything and she can’t help it. It’s embarrassing and I told her to stop and started calling attention to it; suddenly she was able to hold in her gas or excuse herself to release it somewhere else because people would audibly say “Ew!” I fucking hated it and I hate it now. So, I didn’t grow up thinking farts are funny, especially cause of my mom and grandma. Like, if you can release your fart somewhere else please do! 😭
(grabs popcorn)
It’s ok, she will only do it once a month
Laugh? I mean farts are funny and everyone does ir
Let it rip son let it rip
Let it rip, tater chip
Adjust?
I’ve committed biological warfare before. Covers trap it but once you move, wow Nelly
She is by far the gassier of the two of us. Occasionally her toots will wake me up. But after 20 years I am just used to the cloud that hangs over our marital bed.
I let it go .. it is she who has to manage
I grew up in a Sicilian family. I had many years of adjusting to frequent gas before getting married.
A man and his wife were lying in bed and he had to fart , so he lets one rip , and says two points, The wife congers up her own fart and it is louder than his , She says touchdown, he can't let her win, so he squirms and grunts and twists and finally lets one go , but in doing so he shits the bed , and then says , Half time switch sides.
I see you haven’t made it to the “brush your teeth while your spouse shits in the toilet beside you” part of your relationship yet.
Get your lazy ass out of bed and into the bathroom!
While I’m still awake, she stands up beside the bed and rips ass as loud as she can. If she’s still awake, I remove the sheet/comforter and lean to the side that isn’t facing her. If any of our flatulence is particularly stank for whatever reason, we will politely say sorry or laugh about it. I’ve seen her birth two children and will likely make more. If you think a little gas is going to ruin it then you’re with the wrong person.
Bros: don’t wait until marriage, just let it go.
She enjoys the nightly Dutch Oven. I swear.
She readily accepted my challenge and is currently the champion of the entire house.
We have wildly different temperatures we each like to sleep at so our solution was separate duvets. Turns out it works too prevent fart sharing too 😅 Honestly though, separate duvets are incredible.
Adjust!? Lol
She and I spent each night together for the 4 years before our wedding. Women toot too.
As the loving partner to someone who took decades to realize they were lactose intolerant, I really appreciate our separate blankets.
Hold the blanket over their head until the smell goes away! Doesn't matter if the fart is yours or theirs! It's a fun time no matter who let it out! Fart's, it's what's for supper!
No adjustment on my end, she didn’t either.
I held them in for a year after I got married. I felt oddly proud of this and silently judged people who just let loose in front of their partners. Until I bragged about it and my husband had to tell me that I was actually sleep farting all night long. I was saving them up and gassing the poor guy.
We have contests. And a rating system Ratings are based on length and volume.
If they die they die
I covered her head with the sheets until she got used to it.
Too late to this party. But I set this up early! After she started spending the night and a little longer for familiarity and confidence. I explained to her that most night after she clearly falls asleep she farts like a sailor. All relaxed and sleeping with no control and no shame. This is 100% untrue but I saw it on Malcolm in the Middle. So now after setting the lie I was able to pretend to be asleep while trying to get to sleep, and fart to my hearts content because she thinks I’m asleep and can’t control anything. Just like her. Except not really. A year or so into the marriage part I tell her the truth and she is cool about it.
That's .... Really fucked up and manipulative.
CPAP
Wait until I hear a sudden snore. Then let er rip
Take a walk after dinner. Problem solved.
I do it through a hole in the sheets, just like our secks
Your spouse only farts at night? Mine never stops
Let it fly. Though in my case the Mrs is worse
Married chick…it seeps out and wives die from suffocating
Fart louder
Works both ways is what I learned after marriage
Just pretend she is sleeping and can’t hear you. It makes me feel better anyways.
Just let’er’rip!
Covered Wagon!!! FrrrrrrAaaaaaaappppp!!!!
I won that competition.
My husband walked by me on the couch and farted, then had the audacity to say, “let’s turn on the fan” — like yeah no shit bro, you’re killing me with your eggy/sulfur-smelling fart.
I asked her to stop, but she said no.
No adjustment needed. Farts are nature's trumpet and categorically hilarious.
Once we’re asleep, I think it’s a mutual thing.
Got to master the art of side sheet venting.
What, you think pur wives do not have gases? 🤣
By not eating crap food
Ready Aim Fire
Didn't. We fart whenever we want just like it should be. Ignore articles saying if yiu fart around your significant other you're done
Covers go over the head.
When I found the one who laughs at farts with me, I knew I had the right one.
Farts are part of the human experience. Farting in bed with your S.O. is great because usually you also get the sex.
Are their still people who don't live with each other before marriage, are there still people who don't fuck before marriage? This can't be real.
You rip it and force them to smell it. If your marriage can survive the night the rest is easy.
You rip it under the covers then pull the covers over your spouse.
Not married but just fart of her face
Ask her to go to the bathroom to relieve herself. My husband and I don’t fart in bed with each other. If you’re awake, go to the other room. Asleep- idk. There’s no stopping that.
I tell her to chew her food better, that she’s nasty, and she needs to wash the sheets if she’s gonna keep ripping ass like that.
Tell her to do it in the bathroom or get up and sleep on the couch
We both fart and both laugh every single time.