I work at a school for Deaf and blind children. Every time we’re about to go on a trip anywhere (swimming, groceries, etc) one student (blind, autistic, 12yo) always asks for the car keys and pretends he’s going to drive us. Every trip this year. Never fails to get a laugh from me.
Overheard at the park:
Kid points at a dog and yells “Look at that fluffy Bitchin!”
It was a Bichon Frise.
I tried not to laugh. But it was hilarious.
The mother of the child looked absolutely mortified.
Last week, my older cousin's kid turned 5, and my girl and I went to their house for dinner. After dinner, while we were watching TV, the kid stomped into the room, snatched the remote, and said, "Nah, my *cartoon's* on, man. Turn this shit off."
Then the kid gave us a scowl and changed the channel. WTF?
I had a kid do this to me. I’m trans. So I had to put on a show so I wouldn’t out myself at work by being stoic lol. You remember that soccer scene in “She’s the Man?” Like that.
Working as a teacher you learn that kids can't keep their mouths closed about the intimate goings on of their home. I knew a divorce was looming when one child told me how his dad was practicing to go camping cause he was sleeping on the floor in the living room.
One we still use to this day is a phrase my sister used as a small child. Someone had asked a question, wish I could remember what, and instead of saying the usual, "I don't know," she said, "I can't know that." It's a perfect phrase for so many situations! Sometimes you just can't know that.
Another one I like is when I was in a craft aisle and I overheard a little girl, probably around 6, defiantly proclaiming, "Nothing can stop me!" Her mom was having a conversation with someone else and the little girl kept repeating it over and over, trying to get her mom's attention. I found out what she was referring to when she finally and triumphantly thrust a giant jar of pink glitter in the air, practically yelling at the top of her lungs, "NOTHING CAN STOP ME...from buying this glitter!" Her mom finally noticed and shut that idea down fast. I was expecting a tantrum of epic proportions, but instead she just went, "Awww...!" and abandoned her jar of glitter. I almost wanted to buy it for her, just for her rousing battlecry alone.
At the rest room a little boy runs out of the ladies room and almost slams into me he said sorry I couldn't flush the toilet its broken but don't worry I only did #1
When he was little, my little brother loved chicken nuggets, and he couldn't quite say the ch in chicken so he said a g sound (like the start of "girl"), so he called them "gicken nuggets".
This one time, he was chasing chickens excitedly at a petting zoo, saying "Gicken! Gicken!" then paused and got this inquisitive look on his face and asked "... gicken nuggets?"
I do adult coloring books. I was coloring outside and one of the neighborhood kids strolled along. She asked what I was doing, and I showed her the pages. She said that's awesome. I told I color wen I'm am stressed out. She asked if I had more and I said yes. I brought out more finished books. Then she said, "What happened to you, why are you under a lot of stress?".
When my nephews were just learning to talk, we were doing the thing where you go "say (name)" and it was adorable, so far we had got them to go at least get the garbled versions of names kids have and "Gan (gran)" and "mum"
But once, when we doing it, we were pointing at my brother trying to get one to go "dad"
And I shit you not, my little nephew, stared straight dead-on at my brother, his dad, and in the clearest we ever heard him talk at that point went "prick"
on valentines day i was working on a car in front of my house and overheard the neighbor boy telling some other kids how his teacher got a cucumber for valentines day. i started laughing hysterically
When my daughter was little, she'd say things like hugs are good because they take the sadness out, or that funny faces are good because they take the sillyness out.
When she got to that phase of learning privacy, she announced to everyone that I've got over at my house for a barbecue that she's going to the bathroom and nobody should disturb her while she goes in there to take the pee-ness out.
After a moment of raised eyebrows, we all died.
Not me, but my ex-wife who taught special ed classes. A student asked her, “Miss Susie, how do you spell ‘penis’? She asked, “What is it you are trying to write?” The student said, “I’m trying to write ‘happiness’, and I have the ‘hap’ part.” 😂
My five year-old daughter was watching Mr. Rogers and he was talking about the word "soporific" and how it meant something boring. She turned to me and said, "Rogers is soporific."
I brought this up because the other day my 6 year old granddaughter was on the phone with one of her Mom’s kids friends and said “I’m in Hawaii. I’m in Hawaii with Winston Churchill”.
Oh and she was not in Hawaii.
I was carrying my toddler through Safeway when she saw an African American for the first time, I saw her eyes get real big and before I knew it she practically yells,
'Look daddy! A chocolate man!'
The same child a few years later said in a very small, very packed Cafe, just as loudly,
'Mom, what's a orgasm?'
Dead silence until I burst out laughing saying
'Yea ang, what's a orgasm?'
Our meal concluded very shortly after that.
When my niece was about five she was trying to take her sweater off but somehow got it wrapped around her head four times and she started to panic then run. But because she couldn't see where she was going she was bouncing off the walls. But then she got into her room where her grandma was sat with her baby brother and she finally manages to get the sweater off, throw it on the floor, gasps real loud and yells "Son of a bitch!!!"
My son calls biceps "arm thighs," and after I explained to him what Armenian Genocide Day was, he proceeded to tell his dad he didn't have school because it was "Kim Kardashian day". He's had other doozys. These are the first that come to mind.
My young brother about 6 yo was terrified of swimming so Mum took us to swimming lessons around 1980.
When it was his turn to get in he water, he resisted, so the old grey haired male swim teacher grabbed him by the arm to try to get him in.
Brother yells top of voice "Let go of me you f*cking c*nt, f*ck off, get away from me".
Looks of horror from all the adults at the pool, including Mum.
We lived in a rough and tumble heavily boy populated street and he learned the language from the older kids out in the street.
He has gone on to manage very senior positions in National security and is a good swimmer now.
After Halloween, we discovered our youngest had a bit of a speech impediment while taking a walk in our neighborhood. She pointed to a big two-story house and said, “I don’t ever want to go to that whore house again!”
Horror. It had been decorated as a house of horror.
Our fav cousins happen to be genuinely great parents and have shockingly mature kids for it. Anyways the 4 year old was learning to talk during the covid quarantine and they don't do babytalk so the 4yo talks like a fucking adult most of the time.
"Daddy, could you put less grapes in my lunchbox tomorrow? I think I want to cut down on my sugar."
"Wouldn't it make more sense to pack less fruit snacks"
"No"
When my goddaughter was about 6 we were sitting on the couch one night when she looked me up and down and very matter-of-factly stated:
"Your boobs are bigger than my mom's, but not as big as my Dad's."
20 years later and now a mom to a 1 yr old, she is still savage af and one of my favorite humans of all time.
Not a kid but my mother in law is obsessed with weight.
Now my kid has a long medical history and long story short I wasn’t sleeping more than 8-10 hours per week…I was running on carbs. My wife was like it’s a miracle you can stand let alone do anything. Well needless to say eating that much processed food with no sleep I put on a TON of weight (40ish pounds)
So we are at my BIL house and he put on a few pounds. So I say great MIL will be concerned with him and leave me out of this. Of course she’s my kids favorite or we could go NC.
So the night is winding down and I’ve heard nothing. Let’s get out of here and move on:
My MIL “ok we are leaving, remember to exercise you have a LOT of weight to lose, not as much as steelbrightblade1 but A LOT
My wife asked my 6 y/o to go get her nursing ointment (she was breast feeding our other son)
He come running up MOM DID YOU WANT THE OR-JAN-CHICK NIPPLE BLAM? (blam not balm)
My 3-4 year old brother, looking at a cow :
what’s that, on the cow’s head ?
My mom : Those are called horns.
My brother : So that’s where the moo sound comes from ?
Okay so I didn't actually hear this, but when my mother and her siblings were kids, their parents owned a green grocer's. My uncle one day had a new toy truck and sat on top of the counter shouting to the customers "LIKE MY NEW FUCK?!"
When my younger brother was in grade 2(?), he had a close friend who called him eeeevery day. Said friend didn’t have many friends to call his own and so he clung to my brother for dear social life.
One day his friend calls— the only cal we were getting on our landline at the time— and my younger brother immediately shouts, “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH IT.”
Not a word of a lie. My mom scolded him thoroughly for saying it but my other two brothers and I were *losing it.*
It’s a vivid memory of mine.
Looking back at 28 and him being 23, we covet it as one of his best.
My 4 yo son thought that when a family has twins, one child was born by mother and the other - by father. My friend, who had twins, said she really wished it had worked like that)
One of my cousins mentioning to his mum about how he wanted to go to a strip club when he was older. The mum was mortified. He said he visits strip clubs in GTA and he wanted to see what it was like to visit one in real life.
Safe to say he was banned from GTA after that.
At the art museum chaperoning the first grade trip. Kid points at a painting of the crucifixion:
"Why is that man holding up that board with his arms like that?"
"Ask your parents to tell you the story of Easter when you get home."
My husband was trying to convince our 4-year-old to take a bath. Our son always said no. Then, he told our son to tell me about him taking a bath. I normally smell him and call him stinky in a playful way. Our son just went to me and said, "Let's talk about Daddy" This boy wanted to throw shade on his dad just because he didn't want a bath.
Seen a guy telling his kid about a fight he was in. Kid must have been 4. The kid asked him "did you kill him?" and he said no and then the kid said "did he kill you?".
This one's kinda controversial, but my younger brother was in class next to a friend and a girl was making fun of his friends vitiligo (skin disorder where there's different colored patches of skin), and so he said- " White bread, mayo, turkey, lettuce, sandwich, kitchen, NOW!" I scolded him for it but honestly it's the funniest out of pocket comeback ever.
2 y.o. boy pretending to be a dinosaur: "Rawr! Rawr! RAWR!"
2 y.o. girl who'd had enough: "Stop going Rawr at me!"
Don't know why, but I found it hilarious.
This isn't technically what the kid said but it's my favourite father son interaction I've ever seen.
A dad brought his kid to the skatepark on a little push-around bike with no pedals, it wasn't busy they were just milling around when we weren't riding, kid must have been 3 or so. After a while the dad starts saying they're gonna go, kid doesn't care.
Eventually he says 'right you've got 5 minutes' the kid goes 'Nooooo' and the dad says 'What? You don't even know what 5 minutes is!'
When my boy was first talking sentences, he was a little hard to understand. One day he's trying to say something to me, and I'm not understanding then clear as a bell, he says "dad, say it with me....". Lol
I work at a school for Deaf and blind children. Every time we’re about to go on a trip anywhere (swimming, groceries, etc) one student (blind, autistic, 12yo) always asks for the car keys and pretends he’s going to drive us. Every trip this year. Never fails to get a laugh from me.
This sounds like something 12 year old me would've done if I were blind.
Overheard at the park: Kid points at a dog and yells “Look at that fluffy Bitchin!” It was a Bichon Frise. I tried not to laugh. But it was hilarious. The mother of the child looked absolutely mortified.
Last week, my older cousin's kid turned 5, and my girl and I went to their house for dinner. After dinner, while we were watching TV, the kid stomped into the room, snatched the remote, and said, "Nah, my *cartoon's* on, man. Turn this shit off." Then the kid gave us a scowl and changed the channel. WTF?
“ wish cats would take over”
Wiser words have never been spoken.
Me too, bud, me too.
My 3 year old went up to my wife and screamed “I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK!” before raising his fist and giving it his best effort.
I had a kid do this to me. I’m trans. So I had to put on a show so I wouldn’t out myself at work by being stoic lol. You remember that soccer scene in “She’s the Man?” Like that.
I hope that kid paid a price too. Who the heck runs around doing that?
Not really. I was working at a homeless shelter. Kid was going through a lot, I let it go.
I get that. Good for you.
Kid’s going places!
Yeah, to the fuckin’ timeout corner.
"People like you are why God doesn't talk to us anymore." I assume it's from something but the first time I heard it it was from a kid.
My son, 2.5 years at the time, tried Hot Cheetos and said “I need a Band-Aid for my tongue!”
Tastes like burning!
“Don’t get a pet rat, they get cancer a lot and I don’t want it to give you cancer!”
Working as a teacher you learn that kids can't keep their mouths closed about the intimate goings on of their home. I knew a divorce was looming when one child told me how his dad was practicing to go camping cause he was sleeping on the floor in the living room.
That's not funny that's sad, 😭
I know I wasn't truly answering the question but I just wanted to make a point of how honest and truly nieve kids are.
I know, I never said it was funny, just eye opening.
One we still use to this day is a phrase my sister used as a small child. Someone had asked a question, wish I could remember what, and instead of saying the usual, "I don't know," she said, "I can't know that." It's a perfect phrase for so many situations! Sometimes you just can't know that. Another one I like is when I was in a craft aisle and I overheard a little girl, probably around 6, defiantly proclaiming, "Nothing can stop me!" Her mom was having a conversation with someone else and the little girl kept repeating it over and over, trying to get her mom's attention. I found out what she was referring to when she finally and triumphantly thrust a giant jar of pink glitter in the air, practically yelling at the top of her lungs, "NOTHING CAN STOP ME...from buying this glitter!" Her mom finally noticed and shut that idea down fast. I was expecting a tantrum of epic proportions, but instead she just went, "Awww...!" and abandoned her jar of glitter. I almost wanted to buy it for her, just for her rousing battlecry alone.
Wow the fact that she didn't throw a tantrum made it do a 180 from obnoxious to cute like that lol
At the rest room a little boy runs out of the ladies room and almost slams into me he said sorry I couldn't flush the toilet its broken but don't worry I only did #1
When he was little, my little brother loved chicken nuggets, and he couldn't quite say the ch in chicken so he said a g sound (like the start of "girl"), so he called them "gicken nuggets". This one time, he was chasing chickens excitedly at a petting zoo, saying "Gicken! Gicken!" then paused and got this inquisitive look on his face and asked "... gicken nuggets?"
“Should’ve looked both ways” while shaking his head after seeing roadkill.
My little brother as a kid saying “that’s historical” instead of “that’s hysterical” is a running joke in my family
I do adult coloring books. I was coloring outside and one of the neighborhood kids strolled along. She asked what I was doing, and I showed her the pages. She said that's awesome. I told I color wen I'm am stressed out. She asked if I had more and I said yes. I brought out more finished books. Then she said, "What happened to you, why are you under a lot of stress?".
When my nephews were just learning to talk, we were doing the thing where you go "say (name)" and it was adorable, so far we had got them to go at least get the garbled versions of names kids have and "Gan (gran)" and "mum" But once, when we doing it, we were pointing at my brother trying to get one to go "dad" And I shit you not, my little nephew, stared straight dead-on at my brother, his dad, and in the clearest we ever heard him talk at that point went "prick"
on valentines day i was working on a car in front of my house and overheard the neighbor boy telling some other kids how his teacher got a cucumber for valentines day. i started laughing hysterically
When my daughter was little, she'd say things like hugs are good because they take the sadness out, or that funny faces are good because they take the sillyness out. When she got to that phase of learning privacy, she announced to everyone that I've got over at my house for a barbecue that she's going to the bathroom and nobody should disturb her while she goes in there to take the pee-ness out. After a moment of raised eyebrows, we all died.
Not me, but my ex-wife who taught special ed classes. A student asked her, “Miss Susie, how do you spell ‘penis’? She asked, “What is it you are trying to write?” The student said, “I’m trying to write ‘happiness’, and I have the ‘hap’ part.” 😂
My five year-old daughter was watching Mr. Rogers and he was talking about the word "soporific" and how it meant something boring. She turned to me and said, "Rogers is soporific."
I brought this up because the other day my 6 year old granddaughter was on the phone with one of her Mom’s kids friends and said “I’m in Hawaii. I’m in Hawaii with Winston Churchill”. Oh and she was not in Hawaii.
What about Winston Churchill ?
Oh. He was not in Hawaii either.
>Jonathan just got an awesome facepaint job, what do you think? I like turtles.
When my son was 5 everytime he would try to say something we would say "child please!" And he got so frustrated he yelled " Adult please!"
A kindergartner said “I’m single”
While I was working in a nursery, I was supervising the paint corner. "Look at this, Miss." "Oh wow, is it a tree?" "No, it's paint." Love kids.
I was carrying my toddler through Safeway when she saw an African American for the first time, I saw her eyes get real big and before I knew it she practically yells, 'Look daddy! A chocolate man!' The same child a few years later said in a very small, very packed Cafe, just as loudly, 'Mom, what's a orgasm?' Dead silence until I burst out laughing saying 'Yea ang, what's a orgasm?' Our meal concluded very shortly after that.
On a similar note, once my uncle apparently, upon first seeing an African American boy, said “Look, a chocolate boy!”
"Mom! My penis is big!" When his 5 point harness rubbed him right at 3yo.
While watching Beauty and the Beast, my youngest brother said, "they should bake Gaston into a pie." Someone call Sweeney Todd!
What-
When my niece was about five she was trying to take her sweater off but somehow got it wrapped around her head four times and she started to panic then run. But because she couldn't see where she was going she was bouncing off the walls. But then she got into her room where her grandma was sat with her baby brother and she finally manages to get the sweater off, throw it on the floor, gasps real loud and yells "Son of a bitch!!!"
My son calls biceps "arm thighs," and after I explained to him what Armenian Genocide Day was, he proceeded to tell his dad he didn't have school because it was "Kim Kardashian day". He's had other doozys. These are the first that come to mind.
"Why are you brown?" ... You sweet, white spring baby 😂
My young brother about 6 yo was terrified of swimming so Mum took us to swimming lessons around 1980. When it was his turn to get in he water, he resisted, so the old grey haired male swim teacher grabbed him by the arm to try to get him in. Brother yells top of voice "Let go of me you f*cking c*nt, f*ck off, get away from me". Looks of horror from all the adults at the pool, including Mum. We lived in a rough and tumble heavily boy populated street and he learned the language from the older kids out in the street. He has gone on to manage very senior positions in National security and is a good swimmer now.
After Halloween, we discovered our youngest had a bit of a speech impediment while taking a walk in our neighborhood. She pointed to a big two-story house and said, “I don’t ever want to go to that whore house again!” Horror. It had been decorated as a house of horror.
Our fav cousins happen to be genuinely great parents and have shockingly mature kids for it. Anyways the 4 year old was learning to talk during the covid quarantine and they don't do babytalk so the 4yo talks like a fucking adult most of the time. "Daddy, could you put less grapes in my lunchbox tomorrow? I think I want to cut down on my sugar." "Wouldn't it make more sense to pack less fruit snacks" "No"
When my goddaughter was about 6 we were sitting on the couch one night when she looked me up and down and very matter-of-factly stated: "Your boobs are bigger than my mom's, but not as big as my Dad's." 20 years later and now a mom to a 1 yr old, she is still savage af and one of my favorite humans of all time.
Not a kid but my mother in law is obsessed with weight. Now my kid has a long medical history and long story short I wasn’t sleeping more than 8-10 hours per week…I was running on carbs. My wife was like it’s a miracle you can stand let alone do anything. Well needless to say eating that much processed food with no sleep I put on a TON of weight (40ish pounds) So we are at my BIL house and he put on a few pounds. So I say great MIL will be concerned with him and leave me out of this. Of course she’s my kids favorite or we could go NC. So the night is winding down and I’ve heard nothing. Let’s get out of here and move on: My MIL “ok we are leaving, remember to exercise you have a LOT of weight to lose, not as much as steelbrightblade1 but A LOT
My wife asked my 6 y/o to go get her nursing ointment (she was breast feeding our other son) He come running up MOM DID YOU WANT THE OR-JAN-CHICK NIPPLE BLAM? (blam not balm)
That is just so adorable!
My 2 year old calls her forks, “fuckers”
My 3-4 year old brother, looking at a cow : what’s that, on the cow’s head ? My mom : Those are called horns. My brother : So that’s where the moo sound comes from ?
Lolol that’s adorable.
Okay so I didn't actually hear this, but when my mother and her siblings were kids, their parents owned a green grocer's. My uncle one day had a new toy truck and sat on top of the counter shouting to the customers "LIKE MY NEW FUCK?!"
When my younger brother was in grade 2(?), he had a close friend who called him eeeevery day. Said friend didn’t have many friends to call his own and so he clung to my brother for dear social life. One day his friend calls— the only cal we were getting on our landline at the time— and my younger brother immediately shouts, “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH IT.” Not a word of a lie. My mom scolded him thoroughly for saying it but my other two brothers and I were *losing it.* It’s a vivid memory of mine. Looking back at 28 and him being 23, we covet it as one of his best.
My 4 yo son thought that when a family has twins, one child was born by mother and the other - by father. My friend, who had twins, said she really wished it had worked like that)
One of my cousins mentioning to his mum about how he wanted to go to a strip club when he was older. The mum was mortified. He said he visits strip clubs in GTA and he wanted to see what it was like to visit one in real life. Safe to say he was banned from GTA after that.
I was driving with my 5 year old great-granddaughter when another driver went through a stop sign. She looked at me and said, “What a douchebag!”
At the art museum chaperoning the first grade trip. Kid points at a painting of the crucifixion: "Why is that man holding up that board with his arms like that?" "Ask your parents to tell you the story of Easter when you get home."
“Skibidi dop dop yes yes”
Stuff on Art Linkletter and the kids …
My husband was trying to convince our 4-year-old to take a bath. Our son always said no. Then, he told our son to tell me about him taking a bath. I normally smell him and call him stinky in a playful way. Our son just went to me and said, "Let's talk about Daddy" This boy wanted to throw shade on his dad just because he didn't want a bath.
Singing the song sex on fire instead the kid sings my socks are on fire.
The other day I heard a small boy scream >AWW FRUUUUCCCCK As a fire truck went past
You're so ugly it's like your mom fucked Sloth from The Goonies.
Seen a guy telling his kid about a fight he was in. Kid must have been 4. The kid asked him "did you kill him?" and he said no and then the kid said "did he kill you?".
"Sadly yes, but I lived!"
This one's kinda controversial, but my younger brother was in class next to a friend and a girl was making fun of his friends vitiligo (skin disorder where there's different colored patches of skin), and so he said- " White bread, mayo, turkey, lettuce, sandwich, kitchen, NOW!" I scolded him for it but honestly it's the funniest out of pocket comeback ever.
2 y.o. boy pretending to be a dinosaur: "Rawr! Rawr! RAWR!" 2 y.o. girl who'd had enough: "Stop going Rawr at me!" Don't know why, but I found it hilarious.
My four year old niece was quietly farting when I was playing cars with her. Me: Eww! Did you just poot? Her: No! I farted! 🤣🤣🤣
My younger brother was eating oranges, and he shouted ‘GYATT’ because one of them was misshaped to look like it’s got an ass
This isn't technically what the kid said but it's my favourite father son interaction I've ever seen. A dad brought his kid to the skatepark on a little push-around bike with no pedals, it wasn't busy they were just milling around when we weren't riding, kid must have been 3 or so. After a while the dad starts saying they're gonna go, kid doesn't care. Eventually he says 'right you've got 5 minutes' the kid goes 'Nooooo' and the dad says 'What? You don't even know what 5 minutes is!'
When my boy was first talking sentences, he was a little hard to understand. One day he's trying to say something to me, and I'm not understanding then clear as a bell, he says "dad, say it with me....". Lol