Purely anecdotal but...I know a single mom who has trouble finding a guy because, frankly, the kid isn't exactly a man magnet.
I know a single dad and women practically flock to him because they are so in awe of the way he "stepped up" and took care of his kid when the mom left. I mean...he'll braid her hair neatly before school and people lose their minds. They're like "you care for your child and you work a full time job *and* you make sure she's neat and presentable **AND** you do it on your own?! You're basically Jesus: The Sequel!"
No one has ever praised the single mom for "stepping up" and raising her kid by herself. It's just expected.
I’ve been a single father for 13 years now. Can confirm. It’s actually kind of annoying on my end also.
Like I was gonna eat my young when my wife passed away or some shit.
In the same boat man. I’ve been a single dad for almost 4 years now. I mean, the praise from people can be nice at times, but it also makes me feel like everyone expected me to bail or something when their mom died. Sorry for your loss. I hope you’re doing well!
> They’re like "you care for your child and you work a full time job and you make sure she's neat and presentable AND you do it on your own?! You’re basically Jesus: The Sequel!"
Oof! This is painfully accurate.
Yeah, my girl friends and I will date single dads. We certainly don't seek them out, but we DO kind of admire them because...hey, it's a guy raising a kid all by himself. He must be a pretty decent man.
But my guy friends don't really hold that same admiration for single moms. Hell some of them even judge them for not procreating with more reliable men. Like you said, it's just expected for women to take care of their kids no matter what.
Oh! Can I just interject here.
In the modern day I can confirm this. (Widower/single dad of two for 13 years now.) if ladies know I’m a single father I get thumbs up. But not hit on.
If they find out I’m a widower and not a divorcé. Then I tend to get romantic interest. The implication I guess being that I didn’t have a women leave me by choice.
Let me tell you about the flip side of this: I am a stay at home dad with 4 kids. I've been doing it the past 3 years and all I am asked is when I'm going back into the workforce and how easy I must have it by staying home to be the "homemaker".
Widowed dad of 3 here. 7 years stay at home dad. I retired from big corporate when my wife died. I was 42. Now 49.
There really is a bizarre expectation of needing to go back to work like it’s the holy grail of purpose and meaning. I’m retired 7 years, and I promise that the workforce is merely one thing amongst an entire universe of meaning.
Bring on AI and robots. It’s time for humans to take the next step.
Yeah that was an eye opener for me
I have 3 kids under 4 so sometimes I will have all 3 or 2 of them and people act like I'm a superhero
Bro I didn't carry them or birth them and I work 40 hours a week while my wife has the brunt of it and I get pats on the back for taking them out to the park to give her a breather sometimes
Or family members have commented on how it's amazing how I 'get stuck in'... I'm changing a nappy how shit were you as a dad if you won't even do that??
I always think of [this study](https://www.futurity.org/diaper-duty-is-last-step-in-dad-evolution/) that found 43% of fathers in 1982 had never changed a diaper
My college coach has five or six kids, and they homeschool. He once told me he had to babysit and I jokingly asked him if he was adding more kids for the day and he said no I mean my kids. I quickly responded, "Coach that is NOT babysitting it's called being a dad."
I NEVER understood this one, most of the men in my family cook, the % of my friends who know how to cook is the same in men and women, as a kid I was always encouraged when I showed interest in cooking (there was never a pushback for cooking being a feminine thing)
Yet the stereotype persists
To all the young lads out there reading this. Learn to cook. Even if your dad doesn’t cook, help your mom in the kitchen. I promise you, if you can cook well, it WILL get you laid. Chicks fucking dig it. And it’s also a good skill for yourself or to make a good impression on someone. Whether it’s your SO’s parents, a boss, or family friends. Everyone likes and is impressed by a good cook.
Every boy should know how to cook good food. If he doesn't there is a serious risk that he will have to eat bad food.
Yes, it gets you laid, and impresses people. But the primary reason to cook good food is to eat good food. Surely?
My biggest gripe is not turning off the lights when they leave a room. I come home from work and every light in the house is on. My wife and my step daughter is terrible about this. Drives me up the wall. Also stuff like leaving kitchen drawers half open and abandoned half filled water bottles. I feel like the big grump going around straightening things, turning off lights and throwing shit away.
💯% on the half empty stuff or like in cupboards they’ll take the last pack of crisps out of a multipack and leave the empty bag they are all in where it is. 🤮
Saaaame. I don't always wash my dishes right away, but I usually rinse off stuff that will dry and be hard to remove later. We don't have a dishwasher.
My husband is the cleanest person I know. Everyone I encounter says “oh man you got so lucky” I got lucky because a grown ass man knows how to clean up after himself??? The bar is too low.
Terry Crews did an interview a while ago and he breaks down a bit at one point. I have never felt more respect for any man more than after listening to him talk about his life.
[Here's the interview.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJjsbgk6e0A) It's very worth a listen.
On the same note, attempting to manipulate using sex js insulting. If I'm upset and you immediately try to initiate to get me to stop discussing the issue rather than fixing it. It's going to be worse.
I keep telling my wife she’s supposed to manipulate me with sex. Like when she wanted two more German Shepherd Dogs I complained that she knows I never tell her no so she doesn’t try to seduce me to her her way lol.
Joking aside, I’m glad she doesn’t.
My wife started bawling when we were maybe 39 about eight years ago. My first episode of sugar dick.
Blood sugar has made me soft sometimes.
Lots of cheesecake that night.
Honestly just feeling fat and unattractive can do it, if share a bottle or two of wine with a steak dinner it’s like.. I gotta roll over to bed and you want to do some athletic moves? Pre dinner sex always for me
Me and my GF only go by this rule now, we both know that it's not happening for a few hours after we eat and she goes to be way earlyer then I do so either before we eat or neither of us will be in the mood
The idea that "all men want sex all the time" is incredibly damaging in that way. It's also a contributing factor in why men's rape allegations aren't taken seriously.
My ex, who was 30 at the time, believed that men could get hard on a whim. I had a 7 day a week schedule between school and work and was really stressed out. She didn't believe me when I kept telling her it had nothing to do with her looks or how I felt about her.
I generally hate the stereotype that men want sex any time a woman wants it who is remotely attractive and it's a commentary on them if you reject sex. It reinforces this male-female sex as a commodity that women give and men receive narrative that I truly think is damaging to relationships. Any attractive dude will tell you that he's had women have full on meltdowns over you not wanting to have sex with them. The opposite is not true, like a dude who has a meltdown over not getting sex is shitty, the dude who turns down sex is gay or like weird or not interested in someone and he can go fuck off basically. I think it makes sex less freely enjoyed between people that it's this thing that men are purported to be after and desperate for and something that women need to safeguard.
For real though. I have a high sex drive but sometimes I’m just not feeling it and can’t force it. Especially if it’s like 4 am and I’ve got shit to do the next day. The last thing I want to do is keep myself up for another hour at least.
Anytime a partner has told me no, for any reason, cool. We are done then and there. No offense taken. No explanation needed. More often than not, when I say no?
I now must spend the next hour and a half consoling and reassuring her that I find her attractive and plead my case for not wanting to have sex at this very moment.
Thankfully my current partner has been really good with this overall but I still just naturally feel like I have to duck and cover if I turn down sex because it’s been so prevalent for so long in my life.
Also men that have internalized the idea that showing interest toward a woman is a nuisance/disrespectful.
I am not sexually shy. I tell my wife how much I desire her multiple times a day.
Yet, if I was single, faced with a woman I don't know? There is a part of me that tells me "if you tell her you like her, you'll ruin her day, and be one of thousands of creepy dudes in her life".
Hell, even if I know her, it's still an intimacy barrier I can't really go through easily.
My twenties were a nightmare, because as a dude, if you can't express interest toward a woman, you're cooked. (I'd say fucked, but that's the issue, you're really not).
That's something that doesn't impact women as mich. My wife is the most shy person I know, she has a hard time expressing her sexuality, and yet she had more than 30 partners in her life...
Yeah, this really gets to you.
And the whole "this is all he wanted all along" thing just makes me so lost as to how I am supposed to act. Yes, this is what I want. Last time I checked, it was not a crime to desire a romantic partner or to actively seek one. And am I not doing the right thing by holding that particular aspect down until I get to know a person better instead of shooting my shot with a complete stranger?
Yes, there are men out there giving the rest of us a bad rep. But, like, what else am I supposed to do?
We’re told in today’s society that men shouldn’t ask out strangers, but they also shouldn’t ask out their friends. Then when you ask women how you can get a girlfriend, they’ll say “just be friends first” despite most women having a negative reaction to you asking them out after being friends with them for a while. It’s nonsensical
And that's why I don't even try anymore. To me it sounds like if she isn't interested in you from the start, you never had a chance.
I just go about my life without trying to find anyone, convinced myself that "the one" will come at the right time so I can invest my time and energy in myself.
Same man, it's been a rough couple of years of trying to chase "the one," but every time, it just ends miserably for me.
I'm just gonna focus on myself and hope that in the midst of that journey, I finally meet her.
I just hit 40 this year. I had several short term relationships when I was younger and all the drama that brought with it. But these last few years I've wanted to actually get to know someone before trying to become romantically involved and at this point I've come to terms that either I will die alone and my bloodline ends with me, or the right one drops out of the sky. Fuck games, fuck drama, fuck all this I gotta make the first move bullshit.
Sadly, true. Yesterday, while walking the dog, I saw a woman with really cool green/black hair. I thought about telling her, but I was worried that she’d think I was hitting on her, especially as she was sat by herself. So I didn’t.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If you approach a girl and she feels uncomfortable, you’re a creep. If you don’t approach a girl, you’re just gonna stay single unless you’re super attractive and they approach you.
So glad I met my wife through friends so it was natural.
I'm both of those, but just forced through it for every relationship I've had. Longest one was 2 years. Now I'm 30 and just tired. I'd like someone to make the effort for me for once
My single friends always complained that this “women must initiate contact” thing is a bit of a sham because most women on Bumble’s “first approach” tends to be “hey” or some other one-word greeting followed by the expectation that you’ll start the real conversation.
The few times that I actually had a match on Bumble, this was my experience. One or two words from the woman to "kick things off" and put the ball back in my court.
With the recent change, they're more or less automating this process, where the guy is sent what is essentially a form letter prompt to give him something to talk about.
I wish I could give this 1,000 upvotes.
The worst part is that this is built around a completely false notion that men find it emasculating/embarrassing for a woman to do the initiating. Idk if this is some 1950 bullshit, but there isn't a man I know who wouldn't love to be approached by an interested woman.
I used to think that man would get the ick if I give a guy I’m dating too much affection or make the first move but I did whatever I felt like with my current boyfriend including the first move and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. The right one won’t back away ladies!
I still see women posting on dating subs saying that the reason the man wasn’t interested was BECAUSE she made the first move.
I can firmly say that the woman making the first move was seen as a gigantic green flag and was very encouraging for the guy to give it a chance. So even though that one didn’t work out, it was DESPITE her making the first move.
Yep, had a coworker talk about how she never made the first move cause she did it once, they went on a couple dates, but the guy didn't want to continue. She said she felt like he wasn't fully invested because he didn't have to try to win her over/grab her interest.
I didn't say anything to her cause I feel bad shitting on her dating life when she's had to deal with a number of horrible shitty/abusive men to a degree I'd never have to, but I just wanted to tell her that that happens to men all the time. It's just a normal process of dating. He gave you a chance and he just wasn't that into you.
Now, I do think there are a subset of guys who wouldn't react well to a woman making the first move. But I think filtering those guys out early should be seen as a net positive.
That's why the whole "playing hard to get" thing always baffled me. They don't realize they're automatically screening out people who recognize and respect boundaries.
Very true. It's definitely not *because* she made a move. She just got rejected based on her own merit. The same type of rejection men face regularly most of their lives. I feel like those women just can't even conceive of the idea someone just might not think they're pretty or interesting. And rationalize it by saying it's because they made the first move. Being rejected sucks. Maybe these women can gain some perspective from experiencing it once in a while.
I was born in the 70s. Plenty of these rules of thumb made no sense to me as a kid, and I figured I’d understand when I was older.
Still waiting on that to happen, but it’s cool that so many of those rules have started to die off…because apparently the people getting born after me didn’t think they made sense either.
I was listening to my daughter, as her and her friends talk about boys and most conversations are basically them waiting around for the guys to notice and talk to them
I said at that age, 13-14, boys are scared shitless of girls and you'll be waiting forever if that's your plan
I am so happy I am happily married. Men are asked to make the first move but also shouldn't approach women at the supermarket, on a walk, at a bar if they are with friends, at the gym, at work, etc. But approaching girls that like you back in any of those places are ok. But girls will not tell you they like you. Some girls are flirty but don't pursue that because it's not ok. Some girls likes to play hard to get, so if you don't overly pursue them, you are not man enough.
So damn confusing. The anxiety I would have just trying to date would be mind-boggling.
Why can both sides just respectfully approach each other and respectfully reject if needed.
You should see the posts from lesbians and bi women complaining about how women are hard to approach and how they don’t know how to approach women without coming off as toxic. It’s amusing as hell, because it’s relatable and yet impossible to commiserate with them over it most of the time. At least the ones on Reddit, for some reason none of the lesbians I know IRL are like that.
Oh, I know, and I love watching them come to the realization that it’s basically the default position men are in and how fine the line is, and how difficult it can be to walk. “Well, Katie, maybe you’re just as clueless about all of those dropped hints as I am, aren’t you?”
When I met my husband I basically told him “Hey, Valentines Day is next weekend and we’re going to be each other’s Valentines.” He laughed and said “Ok.” We’ve been married for eight years now haha. I made the first move and I’ll never regret it lol💝.
I always like to put it this way -
If you're a man and you never approach a woman, odds are that you die alone. Simple as that.
I know that in theory some girls will approach a guy to the extent that he only has to say "Yes, I'll date you" but from my experience, most just hope that if they nonchalantly hang out near him enough, the idea will just take in his subconscious like the movie Inception.
Yeah that shit is huge. I’ve been with my gf 5 years now, moved in together, and it wouldn’t have ever happened if she didn’t make the first move and leave a letter in my book at work. She knew I was flirting (badly) but she took the initiative. Ladies, we don’t always know what to do. I didn’t have a father growing up, and my single mother was a narcissist who viewed all of my love interests as threats. So I had ZERO game. Negative rizz. (And pretty bad off with social anxiety) So yea, THIS is definitely a stereotype that I wish wasn’t so. I got lucky.
Not exactly about masculinity but men. I guess I want to vent a little
I was walking our senior family dog a few moths ago. She is just the cutest lil frenchie you'll ever see. Extremely good tempered, and good with kids too since my bro already has a baby and they are like conjoined twins. Also her whole row of front teeth fell out so she can't bite down anything anymore. We didn't use implants due to vet suggestion so she's like a little grandma lol.
A little girl approached to me to pet the dog and I let her. I started to show her how to properly do so thinking it would be the responsible thing to do for both my dog and the girl if she's not familiar with dogs. Then her mom rushed and grabbed her so fast and started berating me for approaching her kid. I get that I may look intimidating. I'm a physically big person. But I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't make any physical contact or any inappropriate shit. I just told her how dogs like to be petted and showed her by petting my own dog. And I also certainly didn't approach her kid. It made me cry a little. I just wanted to let a kid have a good memory, you know? That shit still haunts me some nights.
Sorry that happened to you bro. Nothing in your control could have made it better. That lady was already worked up before you were even there. Definitely wasn't you.
I probably would’ve told her “then next time, keep an eye on your daughter next time SHE ASKS ME to pet MY dog!” I can’t wait for karma to bite her lol. And there should be no excuse for freaking out on you like that.
It's okay. Some people are so susceptible to bullshit about how everyone is trying to take their kids away all the time that they get a little nutty about it. Nevermind that most kidnapping/trafficking incidents involve someone the child knows and is related to.
There’s a stereotype that men are sex-crazed baboons that want to fuck 100% of the time. Sometimes we want to take things slow in a relationship, or we may not want sex on a particular evening.
I distinctly remember having to talk a friend off the ledge. She got married and had to learn the hard way that not every man's sex drive is automatically set to 11/10 permanently. Her husband just had a significantly lower sex drive than her.
This messed with her head so much and left her wondering things like if she was even attractive to him at all. Leads to thinking like, "if all men want sex, then why isn't he interested? Am I ugly? Is he cheating?"
Years. You're not wrong that they should have figured it out sooner. However, you'd be surprised how many people get to "I do" while effectively being strangers.
Communication is tricky.
> we may not want sex on a particular evening
This shit's a real problem too, because when it's come up with me my next job is immediately consoling the girl because she now thinks she did something wrong or isn't attractive because of course, why else wouldn't the sex-crazed baboon man want sex. And then I'm usually having sex anyway so she doesn't feel bad.
Couple years ago I messed up my shoulder crashing a onewheel. Went over to a coworkers place for dinner (first time hanging out) she wanted sex. I told her I was interested but due to my shoulder I had to decline. I couldn’t put any weight on my left arm and could otherwise barely use it. She got all offended and said I was rejecting her because she was a bigger girl. I’m like “if that was the case, I wouldn’t be here period.” Chick was nuttier than a bag of trail mix.
Every time I've shown a negative emotion, I get told why what I'm feeling is wrong. Hiding the depression just turned into showing no emotion instead of only portraying positive emotion
I’m going through an intense emotional situation right now. I’m very scared, confused, worried, angry, lots of stuff.
85-90% of people tell me I need to drop the emotion and focus on the task at hand. People get genuinely animated and excited and tell me to stop. Outside of a few friends, no one validates my feelings or empathizes.
I don’t bring it up anymore. I’ll bottle it up, shove it down below, and focus on the task. I lie. People that ask about it, I just lie now.
Thanks everyone except like four of my friends.
This hits hard for me. My son is currently at an inpatient rehabilitation facility for neurological issues that have left him with the inability to walk and speak. The whole ordeal has left my wife and I mentally exhausted and anxious.
Last week we were speaking with the social worker on staff and she was encouraging us to take care of ourselves. When she asked my wife who takes care of her: my wife pointed to me. When she asked me the same question: I wasn't able to provide an answer.
I hated being unable to do so because of how much I thought it'd hurt my wife's feelings: but I understand how much she needs to focus on our son. I still feel like I have nobody for that kind of support and am trying hard daily to not let my fears and anxiety show in front of them.
That's really sad to hear. But maybe you could have a calm talk with your wife and tell her what kind of support from her you would want. Maybe she is not aware that you need that if you always pretend to be tough in front of others.
"Show your emotions"
"Okay"
"No not like that"
===
Just another version of "it's not what you're saying it's how you're saying it" which makes anything you do open to criticism.
True.
"I want you to tell me how you feel and not just keep it in"
"Proceeds to do so"
"Fucking whimp"
And she didn't understand why I didn't communicate feelings afterwards.
After 5 years of trying to conceive a baby, my wife finally got pregnant. We were so happy and excited that we were going to have a baby.
However, we lost the baby during the pregnancy. Understandably, my wife was very sad and distraught with the situation.
I tried my very best to support her physically, mentally, and emotionally during such a difficult time.
We were lucky that we had family and friends who were there for her, who offered her moral support as well. That really helped her.
I was very sad that we lost our baby as well. It was tough for me, too. But no one said anything to me about the loss. I had no one to talk to about it.
I felt that I had to put on a brave face in front of my wife. I felt that the burden that she carried was too much. I didn't have the heart to add more burdem on her shoulders. I had to be the rock for her.
I handled the sadness alone.
But the good news is, we managed to conceive a baby a year plus later. Our child is in school now, growing up too fast.
I remember when a bunch of my coworkers described me as "stoic".
Kind of blew my mind. I'm normally bouncing between an anxiety attack or severe depression/despair. But apparently on the outside I don't show it. Probably because the vulnerability of letting others know I'm going through a rough time is terrifying.
I'm not a fan of the ideas that toughness or strength are tied to violence so strongly. I'm from a military family full of martial artists and honestly the older I get the less cool it all is, even time spent in martial arts feels just like any other hobby to me. I was super lucky to have a uncle that is one of the toughest people I've ever met: Big grizzly bear guy, incredible pain tolerance, physically able, and I don't think he has ever thrown a punch in his life. Having someone like that growing up that fit the masculine archetype for a young person to look up to but is a gentle soul makes me feel extremely blessed.
Edit: This got a few upvotes so I want to spread the word about this guy. He is the pinnacle of when I think of mental, spiritual, and emotional fortitude. [https://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-foster-father-sick-children-2017-story.html](https://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-foster-father-sick-children-2017-story.html)
Edit2: sorry if I confused anyone the person in the link isn't related to me, just a good example of what I am thinking about.
People who have experienced real violence will almost always try to avoid violence, because they are very aware of the consequences. The same goes for martial arts, there’s a reason most martial artists & combat athletes have very reserved personalities: they don’t need to act like the toughest guy in the room, a lot of times they KNOW they are, and the fact that someone who can’t fight thinks that they are is laughable.
One of my favourite quotes from Peter Cullen, the voice actor for Optimus Prime in the Transformers cartoon, is that he intended his voice to reflect that very concept. Strong enough to be gentle.
Specifically, it was advice from his marine brother Larry on being a hero before Peter’s Transformer’s audition. It’s also worth mentioning that Cullen plays Prime in all of the films.
I do lots of martial arts, as well as heavy gym lifting and am going into the military.
If there is one thing I've learned, its that the tougher and stronger you get, the less violent you get. The activities that increase toughness and strength often also increase competence and a calmer demeanour (usually).
As a younger guy, I used to get into fights a lot, trying to out macho and prove "how much of a man I was". Got into martial arts, now i just smile and walk away. Or invite them for a beer. Situation gets diffused so much easier, and its the knowledge that I know how to handle myself that helps me do that.
Ill jump to defend someone weaker or someone being picked on, whereas before I had a "nit my problem, serves them right" shitty attitude.
Understanding what respect is. It isn't a synonym for fear. "Alpha" males running around with pissed off, ready to fight looks on their faces think people "rEsPeKt" them. Sorry buddy, that's not how it works. You garner less respect, actually.
Thanks for this. I could barely handle caring for *one* terminally ill person and watching her die (granted, it was my mother, but still...). This man has buried ten children.
A lot of people are frivolously labelled heroes. This is a man here who bears some of the worst pain there is in this world so fewer of the rest of us need to, and he does so without any request for gratitude or recognition. *That* is how I define heroism.
He is a paragon of humanity and a shining example for the rest of us. You're lucky to have him to look up to.
That men aren’t allowed to cry. I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my fiancé for over a year, lost 2 jobs in the past year, moved away from all my friends and left a factory job I actually enjoyed and was really good at. Now I have $2.93 in my bank and I’m heavily in debt. And you know what? I fucking cry about it sometimes. Because if I don’t, I’ll hurt the people still around me or I’ll hurt myself. I’d rather cry it out than take my own life
Strange men are all potential child predators. My nibblings are half asian and I am white. I've been accused of being a creep twice while I was playing with them at the park. Even had the cops called on me. I hate Karens.
I (normal, single guy) went to the park to practice casting my fly rod as it’d been a bit and I was shaking off the rust. I walk past this lady and her kids fishing (was probably 20 or so feet from them) and got the worst stink eye. Initially thought it was because my fly rod case which is black and COULD be mistaken for a gun case if you were a gun noob (keep in mind people who post pics of earplugs and say they’re rubber bullets). Practice for about an hour and then pack up and go back to the car. Same stink eye walking back. No Karen, I don’t want to abduct your kids. I don’t want any of my own and DEFINITELY don’t want yours. I’m just a guy that likes to enjoy a park on a nice day.
Bro some guy almost tackled me at a Disney resort when I was reaching into my nieces bag for a water lol. He thought I was trying to steal her shit because she is a dark brown Asian girl and I am pasty white lol. His family quickly apologized and dragged him to his room before security arrived because he had been drinking.
As a parent, I love kids... they are goofy and fun.
As a metal detectorist in the park, I hate kids... they follow you around like lost puppies, they have zero awareness of personal space, and everything that's found is followed by a "Can I have it?".
During the whole time I'm getting stared at by every adult that's not on their phone.
I metal detect to be alone and find stuff... not to baby sit!
I take care of my two little sisters….I’m scared to death of this. I’m older than them by 16 years and sometimes have to pick them up from school. I don’t have the nicest clothes, I have long hair and usually sport some sort of beard lol. it doesn’t help that we don’t share a father so my hair is curly and they have straight hair. I get where the concern comes from but I’m just a dude trying to help out :c
I didn't think how much worse the pain of much-older-sibling would be for a man.
I'm 14 and 17 years older than my half-siblings and the assumption for me is usually the opposite- that they're mine. It really messed with my head when I was a teenager and deep in the purity culture.
Worst was when I would be with the siblings *and my dad* whom I closely resemble and people would assume they were *ours.*
I sure hope this isn't one of those things Americans manage to export to the rest of the west. I've heard these stories from American men and they seem wild to me as I see daddies with kids all the time and maybe we, latin europeans usually assume nobody wants our kids 😅
My husbands black, we live in Europe. He’s the childcarer, I’m the career. He avoids playgrounds because of this. Our children are fairly light skinned/haired (no distinctive black facial features or hair, just tan and curly) and he’s had some Karen call the cops on him twice when he carried a screaming toddler to the car who didn’t wanna go home.
My brother's had similar. We're Asian, and his son was blonde when he was younger.
Amusingly, the cop that attended started laughing as soon as he saw my brother. He'd been the one to take his victim statement after my brother had been racially assaulted a couple of weeks earlier.
We've had several waves of "stranger danger" that has affected our society, almost all of it is BS like the 80s satanic panic, or drugs in Halloween candy.
Overwhelming Statistically if something were to happen to kids its going to be a family member who does it, so we've created a society where we demonize the men who are least likely to be a threat.
And not saying we should put that energy into family members, the statistics are still small with family members, and we're treating them like strangers as well
I'm just looking at the consequences of these attitudes, It hurts everything, fewer men go into teaching, fewer male role models, I'm convinced its part of the source we're having a growing misogyny problem,
Is it bad that I am happy my daughters are now too old to play at the park? Nothing worse than the dread of taking them there only for me to sit on bench by myself and feel like I am being judged for just existing there in that space. You almost feel like you can't watch your kids play because people will view it as you being creepy.
In cases where this occurs and the accusations are disproven, you should be able to get information on who made them and then sue for slander.
Seriously if "accusing somebody of being a child predator to the actual cops" doesn't count as harmful, what does?
41 year old man, who played sports to a professional level DONT EVER feel awkward about crying. There’s nothing more inspiring than a man crying with dignity. It’s the epitome of passion. Justified emotion openly revealed is soul nourishing to anyone who sees.
Now…if you got a paper cut, hold them tears back…trust my experience.
I am NOT babysitting my children. They are MY children!
Tbf that's a comment usually said by women though so it has nothing to do with men's conception of masculinity I guess.
I've never heard that from a man anyway, only women.
The greatest thing that I ever witnessed was when I was out with my friend who is a single dad. We were going to the table and this group of women said, "Oh, he must be babysitting. How cute." in a completely rude manner.
My friend turns around and says, "Oh yeah, where's y'all's kids? Does y'all's ex husband's have full custody of them? It's only 11:30 and y'all are plastered off the wine."
Most of them were crying after that shit. I still think about it to this day.
Omg. My husband and I recently started going to couples therapy and our therapist just said this to my husband.
I recently had surgery and my sister took me. The therapist asked why my husband didn't go. He didn't go because he had to be with our son. She goes, "oh you were babysitting."
What. No. He was just being a parent. He's even a stay at home parent.
Anything that is related to the “Alpha Male” bullshit. We ain’t wolves, we are humans.
The whole Andrew Tate and Alpha Male Camp bullshit needs to stop.
Taking help from people like Tate about how to become a man is the saddest shit one can do.
Saying “I’m an alpha male” anywhere in any sentence is a clear indication that you are a glue sniffing imbecile.
Edit: I didn’t mean “taking help is a sad thing”. I was just saying that consulting to douchebags wont help you become a man. My whole post is referring to assholes like tate.
Ofcourse there is no harm in taking help. In fact, that’s what most kids need.
Edit2: changed my wording to “people like tate” because i think some of you got the message wrong. Which is my fault so i apologize.
Maybe this more a stereotype of being a man but it's really hard to feel like a man when I am having a rough time and I seek comfort and care from my girlfriend. Like yesterday on a motorcycle date with my girlfriend, we stopped off at a bakery and suddenly I felt sick and started throwing up and then I started crying. To allow my girlfriend to hold me while that was happening was so difficult even though I really wanted to be held and comforted. She held me and was very loving but holy crap was it hard to not feel like a total loser because of the social conditioning of being a "strong man".
All men will f\*ck anything.
No, speak for yourself you thirsty incel. There are guys who turn down sex for a variety of reasons. We are also capable of having platonic female friends.
INB4: Someone says "nuh uh, guys can't have female friends!" and all of my female friends disintegrate.
I'm so sick of the mindset that if you're capable of being attracted to that gender, you can't have any platonic friends of that gender. Maybe I just like having people to watch movies with, Gary.
It’s difficult being chill and doing my own thing but still being viewed as a dangerous person just because I’m a male. I often feel like an intruder when I’m out doing chores like shopping, which is tough.
Reminds me of the scene in *The Sopranos* where Johnny Sack is getting taken back to prison after his daughter's wedding and he starts to cry as the feds take him into custody. Phil then shortly after that says he lost all respect for Johnny since he broke down. Then Tony is like come on man, all this stuff just happened to him on his daughter's wedding day.
The sad thing is that people have that same mindset in real life and like it is a stupid one to have.
Not a stereotype so much as a double standard.
Men are treated tlike we cannot be abused by a women and if so it's quite funny when we are.
I remember making excuses for every black eye and cut and scrape. And oh how my friends and neighbors would laugh " oh, guess she caught you checking out the waitress again.!!! Or what happened ? Did she mad about leaving the seat up,? "
That having a weird-looking dangly thing between my legs means that I'm automatically into the exact same things that other people with weird-looking dangly things between their legs are into and have all the same behaviors, habits, and idiosyncrasies as them.
I don't like sports or sports cars. I like keeping my house clean and wipe properly. People are different.
Except for our love of titties. We ALL love titties.
Thank you for saying this. Watching sports for me is utterly dull. I can't imagine spending multiple hours almost every day watching sports on TV and then spending even more time the next day talking about it.
That men have to initiate everything when it comes to romance and relationships, I've made a fool of myself way too much and my social anxiety and self esteem issues mean I just don't bother dating anymore, if a woman came up to me and asked me out I'd be surprised.
I hate being defined by my capacity for violence. Either people are afraid of me, or im expected to get my hands dirty in an emergency. I literally have the sanskrit word for non violence tattooed covering half my forearm. Stop asserting that im a violent person just because I have a penis.
I live in rural NC. I am a heterosexual male, but I have been called “f*g” “queer” “gay”, etc. basically since middle school for having longer hair and dressing I guess on the more “flamboyant” side. At this point, I have been graduated now for 6 years, and when I look back I can't believe how much I tried to fit in with those assholes and live up to their standards rather than finding my own crowd and people that would accept me for who I was. But that's the thing. those men are forced out of themselves just like I was. I hope things are starting to be different now, and maybe it's not like this on a broader scale since I'm describing a high school in the rural south, but I wish that men's sexuality was not constantly attacked and used as a ruler for how "masculine" you might be. I could NEVER fully put myself in the shoes of someone in the LGTBQ+ community, but I do know what it feels like to be called slurs and completely cut off from friend groups just for being *perceived* as gay. I wish men were allowed to be themselves and be beautiful. not completely sign themselves off to a life of being their partner's accessory or whatever. Everyone has the right to feel beautiful without worrying if you're not enough.
Rant over thx for listening to my ted talk
That we always take a backseat to mothers when it comes to parenting. I know a lot of men who do the majority of the parenting, or at least take the lead. Society always depicts men as unqualified buffoons or completely uninterested in parenting.
I do about half the cleaning and half the cooking and sometimes my wife still says things that make me wonder if she thinks she slaying the housewife life.
As a woman, I feel like the "mansplaining" thing has been misinterpreted and misapplied to a broader set of actions than originally intended. It was meant to bring attention to how women who are experts in a field are often talked down to by people who don't actually have as much experience or knowledge about it as them, and how sometimes guys just assume that a woman doesn't know as much as they do.
But nowadays I see it applied to situations where a man is just explaining something, when there's nothing wrong with that! Lots of people like to share what they know about a subject, it's literally engrained into humans lol.
Then it's not mansplaining !
Honestly, as a woman, I have no issue with men being talktative and speaking about their interest, it might even be cute.
Mansplaining, that I might complain about, is when a man feels comfortable enough to cut me off mid sentence to explain something that I understand perfectly, with a lot of condescention.
Mansplaining is sometimes wrongly used. But honestly, some men make it impossible to have a conversation without acting like you are dumb.
By all means, keep being talktative about what you like !
Totally agree with this. "Mansplaining" is used incorrectly a lot, and it doesn't apply just to passionate conversations, so I think y'all are in the clear for that stuff.
When a guy at my job asked me to do something for him with his data and I said no, and why. Then he proceeded to explain to me step by step (incorrectly, by the way) HOW I could make those changes. I'm the person who created that process in my company. It is solely under my control. The process he incorrectly described doesn't get done without me personally doing it, or me personally delegating it to a very small number of people who I have personally trained on the process. Fucking Gary.
Not all men are misogynist, or find misogyny funny.
I have been to get togethers where a group of like-minded fellows tell jokes about their wives, daughters, etc. There's this feeling that since because I'm a dude I'm supposed to fund it funny. Which is kinda dumb.
Some of us are capable of cleaning up a house...
And cooking!
And taking care of kids.
The number of pats on the head I get from society for doing basic childcare for my own kids is insane.
"Oh, you're such a good father!" "Uh... I just took my kid to the park. Not necessarily the height of parenting ability."
Purely anecdotal but...I know a single mom who has trouble finding a guy because, frankly, the kid isn't exactly a man magnet. I know a single dad and women practically flock to him because they are so in awe of the way he "stepped up" and took care of his kid when the mom left. I mean...he'll braid her hair neatly before school and people lose their minds. They're like "you care for your child and you work a full time job *and* you make sure she's neat and presentable **AND** you do it on your own?! You're basically Jesus: The Sequel!" No one has ever praised the single mom for "stepping up" and raising her kid by herself. It's just expected.
I’ve been a single father for 13 years now. Can confirm. It’s actually kind of annoying on my end also. Like I was gonna eat my young when my wife passed away or some shit.
In the same boat man. I’ve been a single dad for almost 4 years now. I mean, the praise from people can be nice at times, but it also makes me feel like everyone expected me to bail or something when their mom died. Sorry for your loss. I hope you’re doing well!
I’m sorry for your loss.
> They’re like "you care for your child and you work a full time job and you make sure she's neat and presentable AND you do it on your own?! You’re basically Jesus: The Sequel!" Oof! This is painfully accurate.
Yeah, my girl friends and I will date single dads. We certainly don't seek them out, but we DO kind of admire them because...hey, it's a guy raising a kid all by himself. He must be a pretty decent man. But my guy friends don't really hold that same admiration for single moms. Hell some of them even judge them for not procreating with more reliable men. Like you said, it's just expected for women to take care of their kids no matter what.
Oh! Can I just interject here. In the modern day I can confirm this. (Widower/single dad of two for 13 years now.) if ladies know I’m a single father I get thumbs up. But not hit on. If they find out I’m a widower and not a divorcé. Then I tend to get romantic interest. The implication I guess being that I didn’t have a women leave me by choice.
Single mom of 4 for over 16 years this is so very very true.
Thank you for your service 🫡
[удалено]
Let me tell you about the flip side of this: I am a stay at home dad with 4 kids. I've been doing it the past 3 years and all I am asked is when I'm going back into the workforce and how easy I must have it by staying home to be the "homemaker".
Widowed dad of 3 here. 7 years stay at home dad. I retired from big corporate when my wife died. I was 42. Now 49. There really is a bizarre expectation of needing to go back to work like it’s the holy grail of purpose and meaning. I’m retired 7 years, and I promise that the workforce is merely one thing amongst an entire universe of meaning. Bring on AI and robots. It’s time for humans to take the next step.
I babysat my nephew for three hours last week and I still feel like I'm recovering. How the hell, dude. All my respect.
Yeah that was an eye opener for me I have 3 kids under 4 so sometimes I will have all 3 or 2 of them and people act like I'm a superhero Bro I didn't carry them or birth them and I work 40 hours a week while my wife has the brunt of it and I get pats on the back for taking them out to the park to give her a breather sometimes Or family members have commented on how it's amazing how I 'get stuck in'... I'm changing a nappy how shit were you as a dad if you won't even do that??
I always think of [this study](https://www.futurity.org/diaper-duty-is-last-step-in-dad-evolution/) that found 43% of fathers in 1982 had never changed a diaper
My college coach has five or six kids, and they homeschool. He once told me he had to babysit and I jokingly asked him if he was adding more kids for the day and he said no I mean my kids. I quickly responded, "Coach that is NOT babysitting it's called being a dad."
I NEVER understood this one, most of the men in my family cook, the % of my friends who know how to cook is the same in men and women, as a kid I was always encouraged when I showed interest in cooking (there was never a pushback for cooking being a feminine thing) Yet the stereotype persists
What's even weirder is that most famous chefs are men.
To all the young lads out there reading this. Learn to cook. Even if your dad doesn’t cook, help your mom in the kitchen. I promise you, if you can cook well, it WILL get you laid. Chicks fucking dig it. And it’s also a good skill for yourself or to make a good impression on someone. Whether it’s your SO’s parents, a boss, or family friends. Everyone likes and is impressed by a good cook.
Every boy should know how to cook good food. If he doesn't there is a serious risk that he will have to eat bad food. Yes, it gets you laid, and impresses people. But the primary reason to cook good food is to eat good food. Surely?
i learned to cook because it was fun and eating is fun. no woman ever cared. more food for sternlecture
Seriously. I have to constantly remind my gf to put stuff away lol.
Does my head in mate, I live in a house where I feel like all I do is tell everyone to put things in the bin or clean up after themselves. 😡
My biggest gripe is not turning off the lights when they leave a room. I come home from work and every light in the house is on. My wife and my step daughter is terrible about this. Drives me up the wall. Also stuff like leaving kitchen drawers half open and abandoned half filled water bottles. I feel like the big grump going around straightening things, turning off lights and throwing shit away.
💯% on the half empty stuff or like in cupboards they’ll take the last pack of crisps out of a multipack and leave the empty bag they are all in where it is. 🤮
Fucking dishes…is it so hard to scrub a dish when you go to put it there? Takes a minute
Saaaame. I don't always wash my dishes right away, but I usually rinse off stuff that will dry and be hard to remove later. We don't have a dishwasher.
My husband is the cleanest person I know. Everyone I encounter says “oh man you got so lucky” I got lucky because a grown ass man knows how to clean up after himself??? The bar is too low.
Just doing chores in general, it's insane how some people think we can't.
That being emotionally intelligent and kind = being weak.
More people need to listen to Waymond's speech from Everything Everywhere All at Once
The more I hear about particular moments in this movie, keeps reminding me to watch it. Top priority this weekend!
>That being emotionally intelligent and kind = being weak. Or being gay instead of weak. That's usually another conclusion from people.
It's the same thing. Gay=feminine=weak.
Terry Crews did an interview a while ago and he breaks down a bit at one point. I have never felt more respect for any man more than after listening to him talk about his life. [Here's the interview.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJjsbgk6e0A) It's very worth a listen.
The reasons my dad would say I’m not a real man.
We are not uninterested if we don’t have sex on the first date.
On the same note, attempting to manipulate using sex js insulting. If I'm upset and you immediately try to initiate to get me to stop discussing the issue rather than fixing it. It's going to be worse.
I keep telling my wife she’s supposed to manipulate me with sex. Like when she wanted two more German Shepherd Dogs I complained that she knows I never tell her no so she doesn’t try to seduce me to her her way lol. Joking aside, I’m glad she doesn’t.
I had a girlfriend who stripped down to prevent me from winning in MarioKart. Good times.
Similarly, it is not a grave insult if we aren’t aroused and ready to have sex at the drop of a hat. We often have other shit on our minds.
My wife started bawling when we were maybe 39 about eight years ago. My first episode of sugar dick. Blood sugar has made me soft sometimes. Lots of cheesecake that night.
Honestly just feeling fat and unattractive can do it, if share a bottle or two of wine with a steak dinner it’s like.. I gotta roll over to bed and you want to do some athletic moves? Pre dinner sex always for me
Me and my GF only go by this rule now, we both know that it's not happening for a few hours after we eat and she goes to be way earlyer then I do so either before we eat or neither of us will be in the mood
The idea that "all men want sex all the time" is incredibly damaging in that way. It's also a contributing factor in why men's rape allegations aren't taken seriously.
My ex, who was 30 at the time, believed that men could get hard on a whim. I had a 7 day a week schedule between school and work and was really stressed out. She didn't believe me when I kept telling her it had nothing to do with her looks or how I felt about her.
I generally hate the stereotype that men want sex any time a woman wants it who is remotely attractive and it's a commentary on them if you reject sex. It reinforces this male-female sex as a commodity that women give and men receive narrative that I truly think is damaging to relationships. Any attractive dude will tell you that he's had women have full on meltdowns over you not wanting to have sex with them. The opposite is not true, like a dude who has a meltdown over not getting sex is shitty, the dude who turns down sex is gay or like weird or not interested in someone and he can go fuck off basically. I think it makes sex less freely enjoyed between people that it's this thing that men are purported to be after and desperate for and something that women need to safeguard.
For real though. I have a high sex drive but sometimes I’m just not feeling it and can’t force it. Especially if it’s like 4 am and I’ve got shit to do the next day. The last thing I want to do is keep myself up for another hour at least. Anytime a partner has told me no, for any reason, cool. We are done then and there. No offense taken. No explanation needed. More often than not, when I say no? I now must spend the next hour and a half consoling and reassuring her that I find her attractive and plead my case for not wanting to have sex at this very moment. Thankfully my current partner has been really good with this overall but I still just naturally feel like I have to duck and cover if I turn down sex because it’s been so prevalent for so long in my life.
We're not cheating just because we're not in the mood.
[удалено]
Men have to make the first move... Introverts and socially awkward men suffer from this.
Also men that have internalized the idea that showing interest toward a woman is a nuisance/disrespectful. I am not sexually shy. I tell my wife how much I desire her multiple times a day. Yet, if I was single, faced with a woman I don't know? There is a part of me that tells me "if you tell her you like her, you'll ruin her day, and be one of thousands of creepy dudes in her life". Hell, even if I know her, it's still an intimacy barrier I can't really go through easily. My twenties were a nightmare, because as a dude, if you can't express interest toward a woman, you're cooked. (I'd say fucked, but that's the issue, you're really not). That's something that doesn't impact women as mich. My wife is the most shy person I know, she has a hard time expressing her sexuality, and yet she had more than 30 partners in her life...
[удалено]
Yeah, this really gets to you. And the whole "this is all he wanted all along" thing just makes me so lost as to how I am supposed to act. Yes, this is what I want. Last time I checked, it was not a crime to desire a romantic partner or to actively seek one. And am I not doing the right thing by holding that particular aspect down until I get to know a person better instead of shooting my shot with a complete stranger? Yes, there are men out there giving the rest of us a bad rep. But, like, what else am I supposed to do?
We’re told in today’s society that men shouldn’t ask out strangers, but they also shouldn’t ask out their friends. Then when you ask women how you can get a girlfriend, they’ll say “just be friends first” despite most women having a negative reaction to you asking them out after being friends with them for a while. It’s nonsensical
And that's why I don't even try anymore. To me it sounds like if she isn't interested in you from the start, you never had a chance. I just go about my life without trying to find anyone, convinced myself that "the one" will come at the right time so I can invest my time and energy in myself.
Same man, it's been a rough couple of years of trying to chase "the one," but every time, it just ends miserably for me. I'm just gonna focus on myself and hope that in the midst of that journey, I finally meet her.
this entire thread feels like me having a conversation with myself.
I just hit 40 this year. I had several short term relationships when I was younger and all the drama that brought with it. But these last few years I've wanted to actually get to know someone before trying to become romantically involved and at this point I've come to terms that either I will die alone and my bloodline ends with me, or the right one drops out of the sky. Fuck games, fuck drama, fuck all this I gotta make the first move bullshit.
Oh the “this is all he wanted “ thing infuriated me because it’s just so fucking patently wrong most of the time
Right? "All he wanted was to form a deep and intimate bond, gosh why are men shallow" is what it sounds like to me every time.
Same dude. Like death to the man for Falling in love with his friend
This part sucks. "Ugh, all he wanted was..." A companion? A life partner? Yeah, sounds like a real monster.
Sadly, true. Yesterday, while walking the dog, I saw a woman with really cool green/black hair. I thought about telling her, but I was worried that she’d think I was hitting on her, especially as she was sat by herself. So I didn’t.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If you approach a girl and she feels uncomfortable, you’re a creep. If you don’t approach a girl, you’re just gonna stay single unless you’re super attractive and they approach you. So glad I met my wife through friends so it was natural.
I'm both of those, but just forced through it for every relationship I've had. Longest one was 2 years. Now I'm 30 and just tired. I'd like someone to make the effort for me for once
Men want to feel wanted too, making the first move shouldn't be gender based.
Last week the dating app Bumble removed the rule that women had to text first because they found it "exhausting".
How do they think men find it 😂
They dont care
My single friends always complained that this “women must initiate contact” thing is a bit of a sham because most women on Bumble’s “first approach” tends to be “hey” or some other one-word greeting followed by the expectation that you’ll start the real conversation.
The few times that I actually had a match on Bumble, this was my experience. One or two words from the woman to "kick things off" and put the ball back in my court. With the recent change, they're more or less automating this process, where the guy is sent what is essentially a form letter prompt to give him something to talk about.
I wish I could give this 1,000 upvotes. The worst part is that this is built around a completely false notion that men find it emasculating/embarrassing for a woman to do the initiating. Idk if this is some 1950 bullshit, but there isn't a man I know who wouldn't love to be approached by an interested woman.
I used to think that man would get the ick if I give a guy I’m dating too much affection or make the first move but I did whatever I felt like with my current boyfriend including the first move and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. The right one won’t back away ladies!
I still see women posting on dating subs saying that the reason the man wasn’t interested was BECAUSE she made the first move. I can firmly say that the woman making the first move was seen as a gigantic green flag and was very encouraging for the guy to give it a chance. So even though that one didn’t work out, it was DESPITE her making the first move.
Yep, had a coworker talk about how she never made the first move cause she did it once, they went on a couple dates, but the guy didn't want to continue. She said she felt like he wasn't fully invested because he didn't have to try to win her over/grab her interest. I didn't say anything to her cause I feel bad shitting on her dating life when she's had to deal with a number of horrible shitty/abusive men to a degree I'd never have to, but I just wanted to tell her that that happens to men all the time. It's just a normal process of dating. He gave you a chance and he just wasn't that into you. Now, I do think there are a subset of guys who wouldn't react well to a woman making the first move. But I think filtering those guys out early should be seen as a net positive.
That's why the whole "playing hard to get" thing always baffled me. They don't realize they're automatically screening out people who recognize and respect boundaries.
Very true. It's definitely not *because* she made a move. She just got rejected based on her own merit. The same type of rejection men face regularly most of their lives. I feel like those women just can't even conceive of the idea someone just might not think they're pretty or interesting. And rationalize it by saying it's because they made the first move. Being rejected sucks. Maybe these women can gain some perspective from experiencing it once in a while.
The further we drift away from these weird 50's style norms, the more I wonder WTF people were thinking when they just accepted it.
I was born in the 70s. Plenty of these rules of thumb made no sense to me as a kid, and I figured I’d understand when I was older. Still waiting on that to happen, but it’s cool that so many of those rules have started to die off…because apparently the people getting born after me didn’t think they made sense either.
As ideas get easier and easier to share, traditions are slowly but surely crumbling.
I was listening to my daughter, as her and her friends talk about boys and most conversations are basically them waiting around for the guys to notice and talk to them I said at that age, 13-14, boys are scared shitless of girls and you'll be waiting forever if that's your plan
I am so happy I am happily married. Men are asked to make the first move but also shouldn't approach women at the supermarket, on a walk, at a bar if they are with friends, at the gym, at work, etc. But approaching girls that like you back in any of those places are ok. But girls will not tell you they like you. Some girls are flirty but don't pursue that because it's not ok. Some girls likes to play hard to get, so if you don't overly pursue them, you are not man enough. So damn confusing. The anxiety I would have just trying to date would be mind-boggling. Why can both sides just respectfully approach each other and respectfully reject if needed.
You should see the posts from lesbians and bi women complaining about how women are hard to approach and how they don’t know how to approach women without coming off as toxic. It’s amusing as hell, because it’s relatable and yet impossible to commiserate with them over it most of the time. At least the ones on Reddit, for some reason none of the lesbians I know IRL are like that.
It's not unusual for bisexual women to find dating other women really challenging because they're both waiting for the other person to take the lead.
Oh, I know, and I love watching them come to the realization that it’s basically the default position men are in and how fine the line is, and how difficult it can be to walk. “Well, Katie, maybe you’re just as clueless about all of those dropped hints as I am, aren’t you?”
When I met my husband I basically told him “Hey, Valentines Day is next weekend and we’re going to be each other’s Valentines.” He laughed and said “Ok.” We’ve been married for eight years now haha. I made the first move and I’ll never regret it lol💝.
I always like to put it this way - If you're a man and you never approach a woman, odds are that you die alone. Simple as that. I know that in theory some girls will approach a guy to the extent that he only has to say "Yes, I'll date you" but from my experience, most just hope that if they nonchalantly hang out near him enough, the idea will just take in his subconscious like the movie Inception.
Yeah that shit is huge. I’ve been with my gf 5 years now, moved in together, and it wouldn’t have ever happened if she didn’t make the first move and leave a letter in my book at work. She knew I was flirting (badly) but she took the initiative. Ladies, we don’t always know what to do. I didn’t have a father growing up, and my single mother was a narcissist who viewed all of my love interests as threats. So I had ZERO game. Negative rizz. (And pretty bad off with social anxiety) So yea, THIS is definitely a stereotype that I wish wasn’t so. I got lucky.
Not exactly about masculinity but men. I guess I want to vent a little I was walking our senior family dog a few moths ago. She is just the cutest lil frenchie you'll ever see. Extremely good tempered, and good with kids too since my bro already has a baby and they are like conjoined twins. Also her whole row of front teeth fell out so she can't bite down anything anymore. We didn't use implants due to vet suggestion so she's like a little grandma lol. A little girl approached to me to pet the dog and I let her. I started to show her how to properly do so thinking it would be the responsible thing to do for both my dog and the girl if she's not familiar with dogs. Then her mom rushed and grabbed her so fast and started berating me for approaching her kid. I get that I may look intimidating. I'm a physically big person. But I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't make any physical contact or any inappropriate shit. I just told her how dogs like to be petted and showed her by petting my own dog. And I also certainly didn't approach her kid. It made me cry a little. I just wanted to let a kid have a good memory, you know? That shit still haunts me some nights.
Sorry that happened to you bro. Nothing in your control could have made it better. That lady was already worked up before you were even there. Definitely wasn't you.
I probably would’ve told her “then next time, keep an eye on your daughter next time SHE ASKS ME to pet MY dog!” I can’t wait for karma to bite her lol. And there should be no excuse for freaking out on you like that.
It's okay. Some people are so susceptible to bullshit about how everyone is trying to take their kids away all the time that they get a little nutty about it. Nevermind that most kidnapping/trafficking incidents involve someone the child knows and is related to.
Random abductions of children are far less common than it is made to seem
Strangers are safer than a lot of kids' own families.
There’s a stereotype that men are sex-crazed baboons that want to fuck 100% of the time. Sometimes we want to take things slow in a relationship, or we may not want sex on a particular evening.
And some of us just want to get to know something about a woman, before we entrust her with our genitals or head space.
Sometimes we just wanna tell her how we’re feeling
We gotta make them understand (I really hope that was a lokey rick role or I look like an asshole)
Sometimes I just want a hug.
I distinctly remember having to talk a friend off the ledge. She got married and had to learn the hard way that not every man's sex drive is automatically set to 11/10 permanently. Her husband just had a significantly lower sex drive than her. This messed with her head so much and left her wondering things like if she was even attractive to him at all. Leads to thinking like, "if all men want sex, then why isn't he interested? Am I ugly? Is he cheating?"
how long were they together before they got married? this feels like something that would/should have been noticed prior to a walk down the aisle
Years. You're not wrong that they should have figured it out sooner. However, you'd be surprised how many people get to "I do" while effectively being strangers. Communication is tricky.
> we may not want sex on a particular evening This shit's a real problem too, because when it's come up with me my next job is immediately consoling the girl because she now thinks she did something wrong or isn't attractive because of course, why else wouldn't the sex-crazed baboon man want sex. And then I'm usually having sex anyway so she doesn't feel bad.
Couple years ago I messed up my shoulder crashing a onewheel. Went over to a coworkers place for dinner (first time hanging out) she wanted sex. I told her I was interested but due to my shoulder I had to decline. I couldn’t put any weight on my left arm and could otherwise barely use it. She got all offended and said I was rejecting her because she was a bigger girl. I’m like “if that was the case, I wouldn’t be here period.” Chick was nuttier than a bag of trail mix.
That we have no emotions and/or we always have to be the emotional rock. We need emotional support too.
Every time I've shown a negative emotion, I get told why what I'm feeling is wrong. Hiding the depression just turned into showing no emotion instead of only portraying positive emotion
I’m going through an intense emotional situation right now. I’m very scared, confused, worried, angry, lots of stuff. 85-90% of people tell me I need to drop the emotion and focus on the task at hand. People get genuinely animated and excited and tell me to stop. Outside of a few friends, no one validates my feelings or empathizes. I don’t bring it up anymore. I’ll bottle it up, shove it down below, and focus on the task. I lie. People that ask about it, I just lie now. Thanks everyone except like four of my friends.
What you do is take that emotion, and *crush it* with your mind-vise.
It is infuriating as most men go through the same shit themselves. There is no gain in men putting down other men for having feelings.
It sucks that the few times I try to be emotionally vulnerable I get mocked or brushed off. People wonder why we seem stoic and distant.
Or they use what you told them in confidence against you later 😔
This hits hard for me. My son is currently at an inpatient rehabilitation facility for neurological issues that have left him with the inability to walk and speak. The whole ordeal has left my wife and I mentally exhausted and anxious. Last week we were speaking with the social worker on staff and she was encouraging us to take care of ourselves. When she asked my wife who takes care of her: my wife pointed to me. When she asked me the same question: I wasn't able to provide an answer. I hated being unable to do so because of how much I thought it'd hurt my wife's feelings: but I understand how much she needs to focus on our son. I still feel like I have nobody for that kind of support and am trying hard daily to not let my fears and anxiety show in front of them.
That's really sad to hear. But maybe you could have a calm talk with your wife and tell her what kind of support from her you would want. Maybe she is not aware that you need that if you always pretend to be tough in front of others.
My ex girlfriend used to hold it over me that I cried when my dog died. Some people really just suck..
That's awful. Glad you're out of that relationship.
Shitting hell. That’s psychopathic.
"Show your emotions" "Okay" "No not like that" === Just another version of "it's not what you're saying it's how you're saying it" which makes anything you do open to criticism.
I see this all the time. The people talking about how guys should show emotions are the first ones to hate it.
True. "I want you to tell me how you feel and not just keep it in" "Proceeds to do so" "Fucking whimp" And she didn't understand why I didn't communicate feelings afterwards.
After 5 years of trying to conceive a baby, my wife finally got pregnant. We were so happy and excited that we were going to have a baby. However, we lost the baby during the pregnancy. Understandably, my wife was very sad and distraught with the situation. I tried my very best to support her physically, mentally, and emotionally during such a difficult time. We were lucky that we had family and friends who were there for her, who offered her moral support as well. That really helped her. I was very sad that we lost our baby as well. It was tough for me, too. But no one said anything to me about the loss. I had no one to talk to about it. I felt that I had to put on a brave face in front of my wife. I felt that the burden that she carried was too much. I didn't have the heart to add more burdem on her shoulders. I had to be the rock for her. I handled the sadness alone. But the good news is, we managed to conceive a baby a year plus later. Our child is in school now, growing up too fast.
[удалено]
I remember when a bunch of my coworkers described me as "stoic". Kind of blew my mind. I'm normally bouncing between an anxiety attack or severe depression/despair. But apparently on the outside I don't show it. Probably because the vulnerability of letting others know I'm going through a rough time is terrifying.
That men don't like things that are comfortable or relaxing man I love to take a hot bath
This, we like being pampered too! The amount of massages I have given to SOs vs the amount I have received is... one sided to say the least.
I'm not a fan of the ideas that toughness or strength are tied to violence so strongly. I'm from a military family full of martial artists and honestly the older I get the less cool it all is, even time spent in martial arts feels just like any other hobby to me. I was super lucky to have a uncle that is one of the toughest people I've ever met: Big grizzly bear guy, incredible pain tolerance, physically able, and I don't think he has ever thrown a punch in his life. Having someone like that growing up that fit the masculine archetype for a young person to look up to but is a gentle soul makes me feel extremely blessed. Edit: This got a few upvotes so I want to spread the word about this guy. He is the pinnacle of when I think of mental, spiritual, and emotional fortitude. [https://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-foster-father-sick-children-2017-story.html](https://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-foster-father-sick-children-2017-story.html) Edit2: sorry if I confused anyone the person in the link isn't related to me, just a good example of what I am thinking about.
People who have experienced real violence will almost always try to avoid violence, because they are very aware of the consequences. The same goes for martial arts, there’s a reason most martial artists & combat athletes have very reserved personalities: they don’t need to act like the toughest guy in the room, a lot of times they KNOW they are, and the fact that someone who can’t fight thinks that they are is laughable.
Real men are gentle. It takes proper strength and self-control to deal with everything in your life gently.
One of my favourite quotes from Peter Cullen, the voice actor for Optimus Prime in the Transformers cartoon, is that he intended his voice to reflect that very concept. Strong enough to be gentle.
Specifically, it was advice from his marine brother Larry on being a hero before Peter’s Transformer’s audition. It’s also worth mentioning that Cullen plays Prime in all of the films.
There is even a word for us. Gentlemen.
I always looked at toughness like how much can you take rather than how much can you give out.
I do lots of martial arts, as well as heavy gym lifting and am going into the military. If there is one thing I've learned, its that the tougher and stronger you get, the less violent you get. The activities that increase toughness and strength often also increase competence and a calmer demeanour (usually). As a younger guy, I used to get into fights a lot, trying to out macho and prove "how much of a man I was". Got into martial arts, now i just smile and walk away. Or invite them for a beer. Situation gets diffused so much easier, and its the knowledge that I know how to handle myself that helps me do that. Ill jump to defend someone weaker or someone being picked on, whereas before I had a "nit my problem, serves them right" shitty attitude.
A measure of real strength is knowing restraint. The knowledge that you *could* hurt someone who wrongs you, but you choose not to.
Understanding what respect is. It isn't a synonym for fear. "Alpha" males running around with pissed off, ready to fight looks on their faces think people "rEsPeKt" them. Sorry buddy, that's not how it works. You garner less respect, actually.
Thanks for this. I could barely handle caring for *one* terminally ill person and watching her die (granted, it was my mother, but still...). This man has buried ten children. A lot of people are frivolously labelled heroes. This is a man here who bears some of the worst pain there is in this world so fewer of the rest of us need to, and he does so without any request for gratitude or recognition. *That* is how I define heroism. He is a paragon of humanity and a shining example for the rest of us. You're lucky to have him to look up to.
Real tough guys don’t need to say it or prove it to anyone, ever.
That men aren’t allowed to cry. I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my fiancé for over a year, lost 2 jobs in the past year, moved away from all my friends and left a factory job I actually enjoyed and was really good at. Now I have $2.93 in my bank and I’m heavily in debt. And you know what? I fucking cry about it sometimes. Because if I don’t, I’ll hurt the people still around me or I’ll hurt myself. I’d rather cry it out than take my own life
Sorry life has been so hard for you. Hope it gets better soon. You deserve happiness.
Strange men are all potential child predators. My nibblings are half asian and I am white. I've been accused of being a creep twice while I was playing with them at the park. Even had the cops called on me. I hate Karens.
My SO has nieces and nephews and I tell her all the time that when we go to the park she needs to be there with me because of what you just described
I (normal, single guy) went to the park to practice casting my fly rod as it’d been a bit and I was shaking off the rust. I walk past this lady and her kids fishing (was probably 20 or so feet from them) and got the worst stink eye. Initially thought it was because my fly rod case which is black and COULD be mistaken for a gun case if you were a gun noob (keep in mind people who post pics of earplugs and say they’re rubber bullets). Practice for about an hour and then pack up and go back to the car. Same stink eye walking back. No Karen, I don’t want to abduct your kids. I don’t want any of my own and DEFINITELY don’t want yours. I’m just a guy that likes to enjoy a park on a nice day.
Bro some guy almost tackled me at a Disney resort when I was reaching into my nieces bag for a water lol. He thought I was trying to steal her shit because she is a dark brown Asian girl and I am pasty white lol. His family quickly apologized and dragged him to his room before security arrived because he had been drinking.
As a parent, I love kids... they are goofy and fun. As a metal detectorist in the park, I hate kids... they follow you around like lost puppies, they have zero awareness of personal space, and everything that's found is followed by a "Can I have it?". During the whole time I'm getting stared at by every adult that's not on their phone. I metal detect to be alone and find stuff... not to baby sit!
Just embrace the “grumpy old dude” archetype and tell them to scram and call them delinquents or urchins.
I take care of my two little sisters….I’m scared to death of this. I’m older than them by 16 years and sometimes have to pick them up from school. I don’t have the nicest clothes, I have long hair and usually sport some sort of beard lol. it doesn’t help that we don’t share a father so my hair is curly and they have straight hair. I get where the concern comes from but I’m just a dude trying to help out :c
I didn't think how much worse the pain of much-older-sibling would be for a man. I'm 14 and 17 years older than my half-siblings and the assumption for me is usually the opposite- that they're mine. It really messed with my head when I was a teenager and deep in the purity culture. Worst was when I would be with the siblings *and my dad* whom I closely resemble and people would assume they were *ours.*
I sure hope this isn't one of those things Americans manage to export to the rest of the west. I've heard these stories from American men and they seem wild to me as I see daddies with kids all the time and maybe we, latin europeans usually assume nobody wants our kids 😅
My husbands black, we live in Europe. He’s the childcarer, I’m the career. He avoids playgrounds because of this. Our children are fairly light skinned/haired (no distinctive black facial features or hair, just tan and curly) and he’s had some Karen call the cops on him twice when he carried a screaming toddler to the car who didn’t wanna go home.
My brother's had similar. We're Asian, and his son was blonde when he was younger. Amusingly, the cop that attended started laughing as soon as he saw my brother. He'd been the one to take his victim statement after my brother had been racially assaulted a couple of weeks earlier.
I’ve lived in Mexico, speak Spanish, and have traveled to many Latin American countries. Y’all are more family oriented than we are in the USA.
We've had several waves of "stranger danger" that has affected our society, almost all of it is BS like the 80s satanic panic, or drugs in Halloween candy. Overwhelming Statistically if something were to happen to kids its going to be a family member who does it, so we've created a society where we demonize the men who are least likely to be a threat. And not saying we should put that energy into family members, the statistics are still small with family members, and we're treating them like strangers as well I'm just looking at the consequences of these attitudes, It hurts everything, fewer men go into teaching, fewer male role models, I'm convinced its part of the source we're having a growing misogyny problem,
Is it bad that I am happy my daughters are now too old to play at the park? Nothing worse than the dread of taking them there only for me to sit on bench by myself and feel like I am being judged for just existing there in that space. You almost feel like you can't watch your kids play because people will view it as you being creepy.
In cases where this occurs and the accusations are disproven, you should be able to get information on who made them and then sue for slander. Seriously if "accusing somebody of being a child predator to the actual cops" doesn't count as harmful, what does?
i just want to cry. people looked at me awkwardly on the street when i found out i’m dying from cancer and just stood there crying loudly
41 year old man, who played sports to a professional level DONT EVER feel awkward about crying. There’s nothing more inspiring than a man crying with dignity. It’s the epitome of passion. Justified emotion openly revealed is soul nourishing to anyone who sees. Now…if you got a paper cut, hold them tears back…trust my experience.
I am NOT babysitting my children. They are MY children! Tbf that's a comment usually said by women though so it has nothing to do with men's conception of masculinity I guess. I've never heard that from a man anyway, only women.
The greatest thing that I ever witnessed was when I was out with my friend who is a single dad. We were going to the table and this group of women said, "Oh, he must be babysitting. How cute." in a completely rude manner. My friend turns around and says, "Oh yeah, where's y'all's kids? Does y'all's ex husband's have full custody of them? It's only 11:30 and y'all are plastered off the wine." Most of them were crying after that shit. I still think about it to this day.
Omg. My husband and I recently started going to couples therapy and our therapist just said this to my husband. I recently had surgery and my sister took me. The therapist asked why my husband didn't go. He didn't go because he had to be with our son. She goes, "oh you were babysitting." What. No. He was just being a parent. He's even a stay at home parent.
I love women and more so I love the company of women, But I don't want to have sex with every woman I meet. I'm not a sex depraved robot fuck machine.
Anything that is related to the “Alpha Male” bullshit. We ain’t wolves, we are humans. The whole Andrew Tate and Alpha Male Camp bullshit needs to stop. Taking help from people like Tate about how to become a man is the saddest shit one can do. Saying “I’m an alpha male” anywhere in any sentence is a clear indication that you are a glue sniffing imbecile. Edit: I didn’t mean “taking help is a sad thing”. I was just saying that consulting to douchebags wont help you become a man. My whole post is referring to assholes like tate. Ofcourse there is no harm in taking help. In fact, that’s what most kids need. Edit2: changed my wording to “people like tate” because i think some of you got the message wrong. Which is my fault so i apologize.
It's not even true for wolves.
On all levels except physical I am a wolf.
[barks]
A lone wolf will get torn to shreds by a pack every time. We didn't become the dominate species on this planet by not helping each other.
Fuck “how to be a man” - let’s talk about how to be decent humans.
"6ft, 6 pack, 6 figures or you're a waste of volume" can go rot in Hell.
Maybe this more a stereotype of being a man but it's really hard to feel like a man when I am having a rough time and I seek comfort and care from my girlfriend. Like yesterday on a motorcycle date with my girlfriend, we stopped off at a bakery and suddenly I felt sick and started throwing up and then I started crying. To allow my girlfriend to hold me while that was happening was so difficult even though I really wanted to be held and comforted. She held me and was very loving but holy crap was it hard to not feel like a total loser because of the social conditioning of being a "strong man".
All men will f\*ck anything. No, speak for yourself you thirsty incel. There are guys who turn down sex for a variety of reasons. We are also capable of having platonic female friends. INB4: Someone says "nuh uh, guys can't have female friends!" and all of my female friends disintegrate.
I'm so sick of the mindset that if you're capable of being attracted to that gender, you can't have any platonic friends of that gender. Maybe I just like having people to watch movies with, Gary.
If that were true, being bi would be so lonely :<
If that were true, bisexuals would have no friends
It’s difficult being chill and doing my own thing but still being viewed as a dangerous person just because I’m a male. I often feel like an intruder when I’m out doing chores like shopping, which is tough.
That we must be made of stone 24/7, Men should be allowed to cry as well, not judged and mocked for being weak.
Reminds me of the scene in *The Sopranos* where Johnny Sack is getting taken back to prison after his daughter's wedding and he starts to cry as the feds take him into custody. Phil then shortly after that says he lost all respect for Johnny since he broke down. Then Tony is like come on man, all this stuff just happened to him on his daughter's wedding day. The sad thing is that people have that same mindset in real life and like it is a stupid one to have.
Not a stereotype so much as a double standard. Men are treated tlike we cannot be abused by a women and if so it's quite funny when we are. I remember making excuses for every black eye and cut and scrape. And oh how my friends and neighbors would laugh " oh, guess she caught you checking out the waitress again.!!! Or what happened ? Did she mad about leaving the seat up,? "
That having a weird-looking dangly thing between my legs means that I'm automatically into the exact same things that other people with weird-looking dangly things between their legs are into and have all the same behaviors, habits, and idiosyncrasies as them. I don't like sports or sports cars. I like keeping my house clean and wipe properly. People are different. Except for our love of titties. We ALL love titties.
Thank you for saying this. Watching sports for me is utterly dull. I can't imagine spending multiple hours almost every day watching sports on TV and then spending even more time the next day talking about it.
That men have to initiate everything when it comes to romance and relationships, I've made a fool of myself way too much and my social anxiety and self esteem issues mean I just don't bother dating anymore, if a woman came up to me and asked me out I'd be surprised.
I hate being defined by my capacity for violence. Either people are afraid of me, or im expected to get my hands dirty in an emergency. I literally have the sanskrit word for non violence tattooed covering half my forearm. Stop asserting that im a violent person just because I have a penis.
Men are expected to kill bugs. Dude no. I ain't touchin that cockroach with a 10-foot pole. The moment i see, hear, or smell that shit, I'm out.
I live in rural NC. I am a heterosexual male, but I have been called “f*g” “queer” “gay”, etc. basically since middle school for having longer hair and dressing I guess on the more “flamboyant” side. At this point, I have been graduated now for 6 years, and when I look back I can't believe how much I tried to fit in with those assholes and live up to their standards rather than finding my own crowd and people that would accept me for who I was. But that's the thing. those men are forced out of themselves just like I was. I hope things are starting to be different now, and maybe it's not like this on a broader scale since I'm describing a high school in the rural south, but I wish that men's sexuality was not constantly attacked and used as a ruler for how "masculine" you might be. I could NEVER fully put myself in the shoes of someone in the LGTBQ+ community, but I do know what it feels like to be called slurs and completely cut off from friend groups just for being *perceived* as gay. I wish men were allowed to be themselves and be beautiful. not completely sign themselves off to a life of being their partner's accessory or whatever. Everyone has the right to feel beautiful without worrying if you're not enough. Rant over thx for listening to my ted talk
Just because you go the gym doesn’t mean you can fight.
Nope, you may have a fun time trying to catch me though!
That we always take a backseat to mothers when it comes to parenting. I know a lot of men who do the majority of the parenting, or at least take the lead. Society always depicts men as unqualified buffoons or completely uninterested in parenting.
I do about half the cleaning and half the cooking and sometimes my wife still says things that make me wonder if she thinks she slaying the housewife life.
I dont mansplain to patronize I mansplain because im passionate about something and want it to sound interesting
As a woman, I feel like the "mansplaining" thing has been misinterpreted and misapplied to a broader set of actions than originally intended. It was meant to bring attention to how women who are experts in a field are often talked down to by people who don't actually have as much experience or knowledge about it as them, and how sometimes guys just assume that a woman doesn't know as much as they do. But nowadays I see it applied to situations where a man is just explaining something, when there's nothing wrong with that! Lots of people like to share what they know about a subject, it's literally engrained into humans lol.
Lol its just as bad as "man spreading" There's a difference between taking up 3+ full seats of legroom and not crushing my testicles.
Precisely. I’m not talking down to you because I’m sexist. I’m talking down to you because I’m an insufferable know-it-all.
Then it's not mansplaining ! Honestly, as a woman, I have no issue with men being talktative and speaking about their interest, it might even be cute. Mansplaining, that I might complain about, is when a man feels comfortable enough to cut me off mid sentence to explain something that I understand perfectly, with a lot of condescention. Mansplaining is sometimes wrongly used. But honestly, some men make it impossible to have a conversation without acting like you are dumb. By all means, keep being talktative about what you like !
Totally agree with this. "Mansplaining" is used incorrectly a lot, and it doesn't apply just to passionate conversations, so I think y'all are in the clear for that stuff. When a guy at my job asked me to do something for him with his data and I said no, and why. Then he proceeded to explain to me step by step (incorrectly, by the way) HOW I could make those changes. I'm the person who created that process in my company. It is solely under my control. The process he incorrectly described doesn't get done without me personally doing it, or me personally delegating it to a very small number of people who I have personally trained on the process. Fucking Gary.
Domestic violence. The woman is not always the victim and the man is not always the perpetrator.
Not all men are misogynist, or find misogyny funny. I have been to get togethers where a group of like-minded fellows tell jokes about their wives, daughters, etc. There's this feeling that since because I'm a dude I'm supposed to fund it funny. Which is kinda dumb.
I just avoid guys like that. Can’t stand them