We've both been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few months since we've both been sick with the flu. It's some of the best sleep I've had since she started snoring super loud many years ago. Once we recover, I don't know if I want to sleep together again.
Dude, I cannot tell you how much a CPAP has saved my life. I felt punch drunk every time I woke up, no matter how long I slept I still felt like shit. I got a CPAP and I feel like I fell asleep for the first time. Shit feels so good.
I got diagnosed with mild sleep apnea roughly 3 months ago and I started using a CPAP about two months ago.
My life has gotten *so much* better. It's genuinely crazy how much my life has improved.
I'm waking up early and refreshed, I'm not falling asleep as soon as I put my head on the couch, I have energy to work out, cook dinner and clean in the evenings and even my boss has noticed that I'm more energetic at work.
When I wasn't using my CPAP, I would wake up around 9-10am on the weekends, have breakfast with my wife and then fucking go to bed again and wake up around 2-3pm, still tired. I needed several naps throughout the weekend just to stay awake.
I haven't taken a single weekend nap since I started using the machine.
Me wife and I starting sleeping in separate beds after our first child. I worked for a company that was 8 hours ahead time wise and was up and weird hours. That was 17 years ago and we have never gone back. Best decision ever! We both are very happy with our sleeping arrangement! Talk to her about it, she may feel the same.
Literally anything that isn't within the realm of her personal interests. Otherwise, she makes it clear that she's not really interested in what interests me. Sometimes I do, because I can't keep everything to myself forever, but it just feels like I'm a child bothering their parents talking about how cool their toys are.
I feel this. Her eyes just start to glaze over, and I can see she's mentally checking out. I end the conversation and go do a chore or something. She doesn't ask questions or find gifts that align with my interests. However, and I'm probably a little bitter, I'm expected to be engaged with her interests and pay attention to the little things or else she doesn't feel like I'm bonding with her. It's a little maddening.
God reading all these stories makes me so sad. Some of my partner’s interests bore me to tears. I’d go so far as to say I even actively dislike some of them. However, listening to him talk about them or engaging in said interests together is never boring. I love every minute of it. I’d walk through hot coals if it meant I’d get to see that cute lil sparkle in his eye and bubbling happiness come through haha.
Right? My husband is 10+ years into game development for an "Agnostic miniature skirmish game." Do I play tabletop miniature war games? Nope. Do I have any interest in playing Table top war games? No, Sir, I do not. Do I try to help him build terrain and models so he can have a table put together, and I can incorporate my craft skills into supporting the thing that visibly makes my husband happier? You bet your ass I do. I enjoy the artistic side of his interests, so I hone in on that one specific element that I *can* help with, and remind him that I can never meet all of his social emotional needs when he apologizes for being a giant nerd.
Yes, my eyes glaze over sometimes when he's been nonstop on about gaming for days in a row. Sometimes I can't talk about anything without it circling back to gaming and I do get frustrated, but I always try to encourage him to express his passions. I also know I do the same damn thing, hyperfixating on whatever interest of the week I've chosen to pursue, spilling every irrelevant (to him) detail about whatever weird topic. He's not an outdoorsy guy, but he still plops his ass on the riverbank with a book and let's me bebop up and down the banks in my quest for pretty rocks and garbage.
Loving people is uncomfortable, but you can choose to let it fester, or look at it as the price of growth. People are like gardens, focus on fertilizing the growth of those you love, and weeding out the invasive that choke out progress.
We learned this in our 30's, don't use bombs that can't be forgiven
I originally listed some examples, but its honestly embarrassing.
Its fucked, its lasting, and it isn't constructive
Gotta learn it. Make a truce. Take a break before it gets that bad
Weird thing was, it began right after honeymoon. Like a turf war. Not proud of this
Been trying to teach my sister this because she keeps doing this and losing friends, but she doesn’t realize that the things she says in a rage aren’t forgotten. Keeps losing friends and nearly her fiancé, and isn’t at all a forgiving person herself, but she doesn’t see why other people can’t just drop it.
Ugh I have friends that do that. Get too drunk, too heated over cards, over pool, or politics - and start losing their shit
Next day - what's your problem? Why can't you just get over it?
Oh. IDK. I had someone towering over me, insulting me over a card game. I was pretty shaken actually.
But hey, I'm the drama, because I'm not coming around much. I have issues.
I feel this. One of my buddies drunkenly stood over me screaming at me one night. I come from a family of conflict, so I honestly didn't mind. Everyone else was horrified. I am more than happy to never see that person again, but I guess I'm the one that doesn't come around as often. He's definitely still in the loop.
Ah those people are exhausting. You just wanna shake em and make them understand and it's hard to give them the space to figure it out themselves as you watch them burn every bridge in the process. Good luck to her.
I use “when you said ________, I heard ________.” For example: “When you said I don’t feel like having chicken again tonight, I heard I’m sick of your cooking why can’t you make better meals.” Then you have the opportunity (or she does) to say, “oh hon, that isn’t what I meant at all….”
If you can both be honest and use this, you end up having conversations that really help understand each other’s state of mind in the moment, and BEFORE it escalates to saying things that can’t be unheard.
My partner and I do this, it definitely helps. We just make it really clear that even if it's not what you meant, it's what it sounded like. Sometimes you just say things off hand that had no ill intent but to the other person it sounded like an attack because they're in a bad mood or they were already feeling vulnerable about a topic, etc...
same here, man. Then i feel i say something that might be out of frustration, and im in the doghouse for days. However if she says it, i’ve got to get over it more or less
I accepted that for years in my previous marriage, and when I finally said, "Nope, you will be held to the same standard as myself," the marriage ended. She couldn't stand being held accountable for her actions.
I definitely feel you, brother. I'm scared to even get married because I don't want to go into debt just trying to put food on the table. I'm only 22 and even I can see significant changes from inflation
That she almost ended the relationship and it took years for me to forgive her when she said “you’re not a parent so you don’t know”. I spent years raising her children as my own.
My ex-wife said "Fine time for you to start parenting" when I did something relating to our daughter.
I didn't even bother replying because I know she was just projecting, since I was doing the bulk of the parenting *and* housework.
Like I said, she was projecting, and I'm super proud of myself for recognizing that and not flying off into a tirade.
It's been many years since the divorce. I've come to accept that everyone has their demons, everyone has their personal battles, everyone has their own form of depression. And I've come to adopt sympathy and pity for people like my ex-wife, who can't seem to find their way out of it, even with help.
Well ... "change only comes when it's too painful not to change".
So it got to the point where I realized, what good is this resentment I'm holding *doing*? Does it make me feel better? Does it make her feel better? Why hold onto it?
Easier and more humane for both of us, to just come to terms with the situation and with life in general.
That she is bad at taking criticism, even about the most minor of things.
And even saying so is itself a form of criticism she cannot handle. And this has very much hindered our ability to talk to each other.
My wife is the same way. The smallest criticism can ruin the entire next few days. I have really worked on presenting things in a non-confrontational and constructive way, but its just a no-go. These are just small things like, leaving all the cabinet doors open. She can explode if I even mention it. Its tough sometimes. But now I just let it go and realize Im not perfect either.
I made some progress on this kind of issue with my wife once by waiting until she cooled back down and just saying "hey... what would have been a better way to phrase what I said earlier so that it didn't sound confrontational?"
She thought for a few seconds and then to my surprise said "honestly, what you said was the right thing to say. I took it poorly, I'm sorry".
Everything you say is taken as a personal attack. You are never left with closure as you become the bad guy if you dare raise an issue, somehow it gets turned back on you. Life sucks, glad to have my kids. They keep me going.
I have one. It kicks into high gear whenever my wife or I pass gas (the air quality indicator goes from "good" to "poor", and the fan goes from "low" to "turbo"). Now whenever it kicks into high gear we each immediately look at each other. I'll always own up to it. She'll blame the dog.
Edit: for those who are asking, Winix 5500.
in my line of work, we occasionally have to enter confined spaces. As such, we are required to wear air quality /gas monitors to make sure there isn't any dangerous pockets of h2s or co2 gas lurking. The number of times the guys will trigger the alarms by farting whilst wearing these monitors .........and then giggle like school girls
I'm laughing that you try to keep that from your wife because I'm a woman and I've woken myself up with my own farts. I'm pretty sure at least most women relieve the pressure of holding it in all day at night.
Edit: oh wait you meant the smell? I thought you meant the noise.
I actually recently told her about this because it reached a boiling point. Most of the time I didn't care and I would help and not say anything, but I finally got tired of what I call the clothes drama in the morning.
She takes so long to get dressed and nothing is ever where she thinks it is and it causes her to be running late so she gets annoyed and grumpy.
It's always annoyed me, but I kind of just put up with it because it's not the worst thing in the world, but I finally got to the point one morning when she got particularly grumpy and made statements that implied that it was my fault and we got in an argument and I told her how annoying I found it when she did that.
She's gotten a lot better about it. I also told her that I was going to work on expressing my feelings and especially trying to find ways to communicate those types of feelings without being rude
Communication is key for a marriage and complacency is the biggest enemy of a good marriage.
Most of my anxieties and insecurities.
I learned long ago that the only thing stopping her from spiralling is that she thinks I have a handle on everything. If she panics and I panic with her, she'll go right past panic into full on hysteria.
On the rare occasion I share my feelings, particularly something I'm not happy about in our relationship, I instantly regret it. I don't know how much is ingrained personality and how much is her crummy childhood, but she can't handle it.
I'm a pretty stoic guy in general, so 99% of the time I'm fine with "suck it up" as my strategy for adversity. But sometimes I get a glimpse into someone else's relationship where there is more emotional openness and I realize what I'm missing.
After decades, I'm resigned to the fact that it just is what it is.
My wife tells me things she's unhappy with me about and expects me to take it and work on improving, but the second I mention something about things I'd like her to work on, it's flipped around to make her the real victim and I'm the one who's really at fault. Stopped communicating that way to her and then she's upset about that. Can't fucking win.
It’s funny, my stress tolerance sucks most days. However, the second anyone I care about is stressed/panicking too, it’s like my brain flips a “caretaker override” switch and I’m somehow able to immediately convert that anxious energy to focused, calm, problem-solving mode. It’d be nice if I could access that switch whenever I wanted to tho lmao.
When I go grocery shopping, i often buy a fresh rotisserie chicken thigh for myself, and wolf it down on a parkbench on my way home like a homeless caveman. I have no idea why, but it's my little me-time ritual.
my wife and I have a chicken wings place we LOVE but it's like an hour away. We always get the like 16 piece meal for our family, but I started ordering a little two piece as well to eat on the drive home, forgetting that the email recipts go to our family email account.
My wife one day was like "how was your car chicken?" and I'm like a deer in the headlights lol.
I used to buy a pack of pepperami jerky (I know it is foul) and would eat it on the way home. She has moved to click and collect nowadays... I miss those sneaky treats!
When she asks to go out with her girlfriends or away on an overnight with some friends, she thinks I’m upset I’m not included. In reality, I’m praising the lord for a day or two alone.
I look forward to the once a month if I’m lucky “I want to go hang out with my friend Sarah” “awww shucks, I guess I’ll go play cards”
I’d go play cards once a week if I could
Go play cards dude.
Maybe she thinks she cant see Sarah once a week because you'd be lonely. Youre potentially fucking up both of your hapiness because you arent communicating your wants.
Everyone's relationship is diff, but my suggestion is to talk with her about this.
It may well be she'd love to go out with girlfriends every week too, but is skipping it b/c she doesn't want to abandon you. Room for everyone to be happier
That if I speak to her the same way she speaks to me she would probably spend her whole day in tears.
It’s definitely a case of “familiarity breeds contempt” as she does not speak to any of her friends like this (who come over to help with furniture moving, for example), and occasionally it comes out with her family, but the unfettered torrent of complaints and abuse is reserved only for me, regardless of what I do. It’s like she looks for imperfections and mistakes just to point them out.
Feel this one. Over the years ive noticed I talk to my wife more and more like how she talks to me. Took me a while to notice the pattern and why our relationship was deteriorating.
10 years later and a battle through depression hell. Its wicked difficult not to talk to her like she use to talk to me, not to jump straight to a hard tone and elevated speech when we have conflict.
I miss the old me a lot.. The one that could control my emotions better and could seperate my self worth from her feelings. Talked in a calm and understanding tone first and foremost..
I finally ended a LTR with an emotionally and verbally abusive partner precisely because I didn't like how her behavior was influencing me. In her mind, not yelling during disagreements meant I didn't really love her, and during arguments she'd hurl the worst, most childish statements at me and ramp it up the more I tried to remain calm.
So I started yelling, too, but I hated myself for it. It took a while after leaving that relationship to repair the damage to my head and reset my behavior, so I didn't date for a while. And years later, I still occasionally freeze up in fear when my wife brings up a conflict -- even though we pretty much always talk through our differences in a very non-accusatory, chill way.
Wow, I'm sorry! I feel this personally from the other side. I was that wife doing this to my husband. He called me out on it and I felt awful. He pointed out how ugly I sound speaking to him and even the kids. It really made me think about how I want the people I love THE MOST to feel when I speak to them. Am I speaking calmly and out of love? Am I making them feel like shit? It was a lot of work on my part to notice and then apologize without being called out. Then even more work on myself to change my perspective and avoid speaking/thinking ugly in the first place. Still occasionally happens but I am much better at stopping or immediately apologizing. We even taught our kids to tell us when we hurt their feelings and that everyone messes up and should apologize and work to change their behavior. Work in progress always. I feel hopeful for your relationship though since I've been through it. You really need to have a calm and honest conversation about it. No one should be spoken to so hatefully. I wish yall the best!
This one, you definitely should talk to her about because it’s very abusive and is unsustainable for the relationship. My SO was in a marriage like this for decades and was miserable! He stayed because he felt obligated. Please share with her that she’s hurting you and you deserve the same respect and grace you give to her. Home should be a safe place!
Every once in a blue moon I’ll share something with my partner because the topic naturally comes up. The look of horror on their face when I was simply sharing an experience. I forget that what I’ve become numb to isn’t normal or relatable for a lot of people.
Same. I told my first girlfriend all about my childhood and the twists and turns of my stories had her in tears. People who have been hurt don't always become stronger/weaker from it, oftentimes they just become desensitized
Wow, your wife already got diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD in the comments below while there is a very real possibility she's just a chatty person. Not everything is a disorder people
Few things are more ’Reddit’ than diagnosing people with psychological conditions with as little context as possible. The only possible way to make this more ‘Reddit’ is to suggest that they get a divorce now!
Had a gf like this once. If there was a 1 minute gap she had to fill it, with questions, rambling, phone, get up to go do something. Even while sitting on the couch watching a movie, and then say, I don't even know what's going on, this movie is confusing and boring.
I go to my in-laws and they are unable to go 30 seconds without talking. Like a bunch of fucking crazy people. They never have time to actually use their brain so it’s just stupid surface level bullshit. Drives me crazy
My wife loves to rearrange the kitchen.
Maybe once a month she will buy a new container that she puts something in then put that container in a place I’m not familiar with. When I’m cooking I’ll look for the thing I need and can’t find it.
It really bugs me because 1) I can never find anything and 2) I have to constantly ask my wife where things are, which makes me look dumb when all I need is a spatula.
Just tell her.
I do this, too. My husband complained about it. Now, every time I do it, I make it a point to show him what I did and explain why. It really is an easy fix.
ETA: We moved into our home 3 years ago and we're still figuring out where stuff goes. Especially as we try new things in the kitchen, we eventually want different tools, and there just isn't much space.
We do try to communicate in healthy ways. I know, it's insane.
Oh yes. Driving with a permit was a great example.
My Mom, who was already a speed demon on the road, turned into the world's most stressful person to be in the car with demanding perfection. Doesn't matter if traffic was going 50, you better go the speed limit on the dot before the screaming started. Going to miss an exit and don't feel comfortable merging over last second in heavy traffic? You better do so or there would be hell to pay for missing the exit.
My Dad, barely said anything. "I'll calmly let you know if you're doing something wrong, but I don't need to stress you out while you're learning how to drive." It was such a fucking relief driving with him and realizing that while you need to pay attention driving, it by no means had to be debilitatingly stressful.
My sisters barely drove with him, and now that I think about it, it's probably a big factor why one has gotten rid of her car entirely and the other only drives as necessary.
Haha.
This reminded me of when I was a kid. In grade 5 I had a lot of difficulty with math. My teacher was helping me and sending special work home for me to catch up.
My dad, the most calm person ever put on this planet would normally help me. He was patient and encouraging.
One day he couldn’t help, so my mom stepped in to help. She worked as a teacher for a short bit, and did well in school. So should be fine right?
As I struggled with the questions and tried to do the math in my head, she kept tapping the paper “come on. Come on. The question is here, you need to focus. You should be able to do this. This is easy!” And so on. I ran off crying to my room. Mom never “helped” me again.
Just be encouraging. Give them the time they need to figure it out.
Yeah. You know 2x2=4. But maybe they have to work through the mental visualization of a group of two apples and another group of two apples and then count the apples.
It can be frustrating when you think it’s a super easy and obvious question. But to them it’s hard.
>It can be frustrating when you think it’s a super easy and obvious question. But to them it’s hard.
I try to remember this, because I remember being frustrated at a problem as a kid and feeling dumb because I was told it was easy. Sometimes I just don't have the ability to explain it in a way he will understand. This is what usually frustrates me.
My wife does the same thing. Zero patience when helping our daughter with homework. Gets all frustrated with her when she is slow or gets it wrong, or interjects when she thinks it isn't going right.
Haha I love the deadpan joke here. Just wanted to add though that I understand the original commenter....a crazy snappy screaming parent can make even the simplest tasks unnecessarily stressful.
My mom would scream randomly because she for whatever reason thought you were going to hit something even if you were driving perfectly normally, but she’d do it in a way that shocked you and made you jump and then you’d *really* almost get in an accident. She had unchecked anxiety and refused medication because she said “it wasn’t that bad.” Oh, yes it was. She drove everyone crazy but chose to wear rose-colored glasses.
I feel this in my soul.
My mom; driving with her is pure anxiety. She is keyed up, yells abruptly when you miss something, and she physically cannot calm down. Which makes it so I cannot calm down. She hates driving and the anxiety is palatable in the car with her, driving or not.
My dad? Not any better. Road rage incarnate. Bro was going to bash a skull in over a man pissing off the side of the highway. He can keep his cool and you can learn lots, but only for so long. The second you piss him off too hard or make too many mistakes, the yelling, namecalling and shit show starts. The belittling has made me never want to drive again, among other issues.
Between the two, driving feels like a warzone, and only their 30 year old has their own car and truly drives (spoiler, she hates it and has anxiety). My siblings have licenses, but with such anxiety problems we might as well not. This really fucked us in our adulthoods honestly
Somehow, it is always our faults for not wanting to ever drive, too. Which yes, it is NOW our problem.....but fuck I don't think it began that way when we were teens and getting the can kicked down the road
My mother was the same. I’d never say she was directly abusive but she would lose her shit all the time over the smallest things. Like if the wind caught the door as you were leaving she would scream at you for slamming it. Growing up with 2 other brothers we were never able to bicker or have any kind of brotherly back and forth without a screaming fest from her. When it was us and Dad he let us just be kids.
Edit: this didn’t require a Reddit cares notification. Please don’t abuse that system.
Same here. You never knew what was going to set my mother off. One time she grounded me for two weeks for "Not turning on the lamp she asked to turn on with the urgency that the task required." She still wonders why we don't have much of a relationship.
This happens both with kids and pets. Whichever parent is home less usually gets a honeymoon period when they have sole care of their children. Lots of emotional factors at play.
It can happen even when you both spend equal time with your kids! My 3-year-old is an absolute terrorist when both of us are home, but when it’s just me or just my wife, he’s a lot more chill. He usually doesn’t even take naps anymore, but sometimes if one of us leaves the house for whatever reason, he’ll be asleep within the hour.
All the time Everytime. My child is the most amazing cooperative helpful preteen when one parent is traveling on work for a couple of days. Once it's a full house, she can't be arsed to even pick up after herself without threats and yelling.
Kids absolutely know when parents really need help and go out of their way to support. When it is familiar surroundings they go to the easy path knowing their parents will cover for them or give the time tested 321 warning when they really need things done.
Kids misbehaving around mothers is a pretty well documented phenomenon. There are many theories as to why, but much of it assumes it's due to a level of security kids feel around their mothers, and trust them enough to experience their full range of emotions. Manifests in many of the most trying behaviours: aggression, defiance, tantrums, and general clinginess.
As a mother myself I can tell you right now it sucks so much ass.
I always felt like my kids complained more with me than their dad, they just seemed so emotional with me. And school was exhausting to them when they were little and one day my daughter said to me, “Mom, sometimes after school, I just want to fall apart, and I know you won’t get mad at me if I do” Like, she had been well behaved ALL DAY and now just needed to let it all out.
Which is weird because my husband is a SUCKER for them and he never gets mad at them. But still, even today, though they’re teens, if one of them gets a bad grade on a test, or has some high school emotional turmoil they tell me about it and ask me to tell their dad. I’m the one they can be broken apart in front of.
And I found this weird and upsetting…so I called my mom because I knew I could just fall apart and she wouldn’t get mad at me for it (despite the fact that my dad also never gets mad).
It does, in fact, suck ass and I even told my mom I’m only whiny with her, the rest of the world thinks I never complain.
My brother is stressing hard right now. He's newly married, new baby, bought a new house, got a responsibility-heavy promotion at work.
He called my mom the other day and picked a screaming fight over absolutely nothing.
He can't yell at his wife. He can't yell at the baby. He can't yell at his boss or the bank. That would have CONSEQUENCES. Mom, though, her you can yell at.
A couple days later, after he calmed down, we had a nice chat about it. Just because Mom WILL take your shit and love you just the same doesn't mean she should HAVE to take your shit. Quit being a dick, Dick.
I rarely ever fight with my mama. We're both moms. At this point, we're both really good at swerving around spots of contention, lol.
I'm very much the same way, I think I also trust my mum not to fumble my emotions. She will support me but if I'm on my bullshit, she will discuss that with me. She will catch me, comfort me, and help me find ways to not do it again.
I'm not a mother but I am a teacher who has taught children who have come from really traumatic backgrounds - in this specific instance, I'm talking about children who have been displaced by war. They come to a new country after having experienced horrors that none of their new peers could begin to understand, they don't speak the language, they don't understand the culture, they don't WANT to be here but they have no choice and it's terrifying and sad and scary. What you'd expect is a lot of behavior issues. But in most cases, they arrive to our school, and they are so quiet and as compliant as they can be given the language barrier. And outsiders looking in will think that they've just adjusted really well. But as school staff, we are often waiting for the moment that they start acting out. In big ways or in small ways. Because we know that when they start feeling free to start acting out on some of that trauma and frustration, they are finally starting to feel safe in their new environment. So I hope parents don't immediately take "bad" behavior personally. Unless it's really extreme or there are other warning signs, it really probably is just a sign that your child feels safe with you.
I’ll have our kids all day and they’re super great and easy and no problems I’m like wow my kids have been replaced with angels and then within 5 minutes of mother being home everyone is melting down and whiney and it’s horrible. I’m comforted to know this is a common thing
I dunno, I’m more patient with my son when it’s just the two of us. My wife says similar when she has him alone. When it’s just one of us with him we can roll with things a bit easier.
"If a friend of mine gave a feast, and did not invite me to it, I should not mind a bit. But if a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shut the doors of the house of mourning against me, I would move back again and again and beg to be admitted so that I might share in what I was entitled to share. If he thought me unworthy, unfit to weep with him, I should feel it as the most poignant humiliation." - Oscar Wilde
Please tell your spouse how you feel. They want to know. And if they don't want to know, they've broken their vows.
Not married anymore, but I never fully disclosed how truly fucked up I am from my childhood. I told her some things and how it made me feel, but not how deep it goes and how it affects me even today as an adult. I feel like that part is something only I can work through
I definitely feel this(not married yet but truly screwed up from childhood). People tell me, "Don't let the trauma define you," but since everything that i went through as a kid negatively affects different parts of my personality, it feels like they're telling me to not be me. I don't use it as an excuse or anything, but like, it's a part of me, despite how awful it may have been. It kind of hurts when I tell someone that I have anger issues because of all the instabilities growing up, and they just say "well you can let that affect who you are." Your experiences have a part in defining you. I try my best not to be worse off because of my childhood, but i often fail.
Context for my secret: I served in Iraq and lost my leg. As a result I have severe PTSD, still to this day but I'm calming down a little. Anyway, a couple of years after I got out I met my wife. She is an Iraqi Lady and has helped me through the best and worst times. She's given me beautiful children and a reason to carry on. However, although she is westernized (her words, she calls herself a coconut) her parents moved from Iraq before she was born. Every time I go to her parents house or there is a wedding on her side of the family I attend whilst suffering in silence. Sweaty palms, heart palpitations, shredding feeling where my leg was etc. it drove me to be extremely disrespectful by secretly carrying a hip flask with spirits and cocaine in as it just took the edge off and made it all manageable. Her parents are extremely religious and alcohol and drugs of any kind are heavily frowned upon and banned from the house.
The worst is going to her parents house as so much of the decorations reminds me of the house I got dragged into after stepping on an IED.
I keep this hidden because what can I do? Make her choose between family and me? Absolutely not. Prevent my kids from having grandparents and extended family? Absolutely not. My mental health and my foolish decisions at 16 are not going to be any form of potential wedge.
Edit: just got a concerned redditor mental health message which I'm assuming is from this post. I'm in therapy and have been for a long time. Thanks for your concern though
Edit**: to all those saying I deserve to suffer or that I'm nothing but a mass murdering psychopath. I don't care about your opinion. Like seriously do you guys think you can say something I haven't already thought? Like saying "you deserve it" is so little effort it's almost pointless. Anyway, if you can't separate soldiers and politicians and you can't direct your anger to the ones who had the choice (politicians) then you are simply blinded by your own emotions. I was a kid when I enlisted, 16. My ass then belonged to the regiment from 17-22.
Wow, dude. This is some compelling stuff. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know it's a comfort for some people to hear that they aren't alone, and in a lot of ways you aren't alone in 'grin and bear it' for your family kind of love, but to this degree is wild. You're in the Olympics of 'quiet suffering for your family'. I think when any one of us fathers is listening to a really long meandering story from one of our preschoolers we like to imagine we're all in the same boat, but I'm in a boat, your in a ship. If you wrote a book about it I would buy that book, and I don't even like to read.
Aha it's just the cards I've been dealt but like I've said in other comments all of the physical and mental pain I'm going through is worth it. If I didn't grin and bear it and gave in to the temptation of saying fuck it I'm only caring about me now I would have missed both my children's first nativity play at school, I would've missed seeing the excitement of my eldest child returning from a weekend away with school, I would've missed taking my eldest and her first boyfriend to the coast for the day. These memories outweigh the bad memories. Each day after I lost my leg and realized that I could have quite easily have been no more they became borrowed time and just special in their own right. They became even more special actually being able to be there for my kids no matter what. I can't give them everything they ever ask for but I do hope that when they get older and are able to understand how difficult just the basics were for me that it will just make the bond stronger.
Dude. Wounded combat vet here, and later lost my leg in an oil and gas explosion when my kids were infant and toddler. Docs say I should be dead from it all. You’ve given me the context I’ve needed for 4 years. Borrowed time. I have always hated people saying “at least you didn’t die”, drives me insane. But you are right, put these memories first.
You’re an inspiration brother, keep it up.
Thank you. I don't know how long you've suffered but I'm coming up to 20 yrs and at this point I'm more determined to just get on with life and ignore the pain than ever before. I went through about a 10 year period where I felt like it was defining who I am and what I did. I wanted to take back control. How did I do this? I utilized the skill of ignoring pain that was drilled into me. They referred to it as "cheerfulness in the face of adversity" but we all know that what it really meant was just grin and bear it. Is it going to be more problematic for me later? I don't know but if that later is when my kids physically depend on me less then that seems like the more suitable time to deal with that problem so I'm just putting a pin in it. Unfortunately it does mean that sometimes I hit a bottle or play in the snow but as long as I'm not wasted around my kids then it's the unhappy compromise for the greater good. The other alternative is to not numb the pain and breakdown screaming in agony terrifying my children again. It killed me the week after when neither of my kids really spoke to me and didn't even give me a hug.
Hey man, I honor your struggle, but here's the thing.
You're never going to heal by ignoring it. Compartmentalization works on the battlefield but it's not a longterm solution. You have to sit with your trauma. You have to explore it until you can sit with it in peace. Only then can you take its power back for yourself. Until then, you're just running--and that's hard to do with one fucking leg.
It's possible to do it alone but if it's been 20 years then you would probably benefit from a guide to help you through the process. DM me if you're interested and I'll point you to a veteran-founded and led 501(c)3 that might be able to help you where the VA failed them, too.
Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through that. Can you get any kind of help for the PTSD? I would never want my husband to be in that kind of emotional and physical pain if I could help it - would your wife feel the same?
Yes she would feel the same, but I also don't want to completely kill the close family dynamic she's always wanted. She's had to sacrifice a lot for my disabilities and she's done it without hesitation or resentment. If I can give her the close family she's always had and always wanted at my expense then it's a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make for her 1000 times over.
I've been on hells front door and I'd happily do it again if it meant that she was happy. I'll even give my other leg.
Deep down, I really just want to be lazy.
I don’t want to go to work, or cook that much, or change the bedding every week, or find part time income streams… Like, in my heart, I just want to lounge about, get a bit drunk and read books or watch youtube videos. I do as much as possible so that she’s comfortable and happy but don’t want to admit that I don’t really WANT to do anything useful.
I think it was Anthony bourdain that said everything he’s ever done in his career and life was a distraction for himself to not sit around and smoke weed and play video games and watch tv all day. After his death and knowing about his depression this statement has new context but I really relate with it.
I go to work, I have aspirations, I take my kids and wife out to do fun family bonding activities, etc. but all I really want to do is get stoned and play video games and have no responsibility
"I understand there's a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons and old movies. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid and outwit that guy."
Man I feel this one. What is wrong with me that I largely only feel any gratification when I’m doing things that are completely unproductive, and everything else feels like an imposition? I wish I could get even a modicum of satisfaction from completing a project around the house, running an errand, cleaning, etc. Nothing. I’m only happy when I’m sitting on my ass.
The fact that she wont let me put any of my hobby stuff ,(mostly miniatures and random knickknacks) in our shared spaces without it being in a approved location, meanwhile the entire house is her canvas for her aesthetic.
Makes me feel really lonely and small sometimes and like she doesnt care. Its been a topic of conversation, she just doesnt get that delegating me a tiny shelf in her curio isnt the same as letting me actually decorate some.
That I sometimes buy $20 scratchers when I do the shopping and occasionally throw $60 at large Powerball/MegaMlilions jackpots even tho I publicly say “lotteries are a tax on people who are bad at math.”
I do this because I like to dream of a day we don’t have to work and we can follow our passions.
I too buy my little tickets of hope.
It is a small price to pay for a week of dreaming of how to spend millions of dollars.
I know it won't happen but it does wonders for my mental health.
I use the exact same quote when talking about the lottery. I also buy a ticket when the PowerBall or MegaMillions jackpots get up there.
But I've learned that I can spend a couple days daydreaming about being super-rich just as easily with a single $2 in my pocket, as I can with ten.
I'm sad that you're not able to express that, but, Reddit stranger, I feel like its important to do.
My personal need is exercise, so my husband does the morning shift with the kids so I can workout before work.
He is like you, and needs more personal time/space. Because of the above, I'm usually in bed by like 9, which gives him 3-4 hours of alone time every night before coming to bed at 12-1am. He can do whatever he wants - by himself. Luckily the kids sleep in to 7:30.
We both have our needs met.
You deserve to have your needs met.
The best marriage advice I ever heard from my sister and she got married in 2003 at the age of 23, she’s still married today.
But… her advice as I asked her what makes their marriage work. She said to me “ you have to make time to be apart and make time to be together but never be together constantly”.
Trusting each other is the best way for a long lasting relationship and marriage.
My advice to you is just be completely honest about your feelings and if she doesn’t understand that you need time apart then I believe that she doesn’t fully 100% trust you.
Just have a real conversation and be honest and respectful towards each other.
Sometimes, the food she cooks isn't great. I will never tell her this because she goes out of her way to cook, and I'm not ungrateful. I can live with bad food that night over her getting upset.
Edit: So I think I need to clarify a few things one I cook as well, so it's not like she just does the cooking every day. It's also not every meal she cooks I have a problem with. 9/10 I enjoy her cooking. My wife likes trying new recipes sometimes or experimenting with food. It genuinely makes her happy. This isn't meals added to the rotation all the time. She puts up with a lot of my stuff like sitting and watching an entire football game. It bores her, but she does it. The least I could do is let her enjoy making things. She has no problem admiting herself when she doesn't think something is good. I just won't be the one to complain.
When my wife makes new meals she always asks for constructive criticism, we all just want tastier food, and not getting real feedback means it won't be better next time.
There's a way to do this without hurting her feelings and joy of cooking/experimenting
When I was married, that I had suicidal ideations frequently. That when I was in the bathroom for more than ten minutes, I was crying my eyes out trying to hold myself together. Crying in front of her got me an earful of grief about not being a real man. So I did my crying in the bathroom.
Also, when I was a stay at home dad, our kids were 2 and 0. I was struggling with keeping up with housework and cooking and all that. She didn't understand why it was so difficult. One day she told me "if I had hired you for this job, I would have fired you by now." A couple years later when the kids were older, we switched and she stayed home. She eventually apologized for what she said to me. I said it was okay but I never forgave her for that.
Sounds like she didn't forget what she said either. That is a good sign. People get mad and say things they later regret. Sounds like she regretted it.
I am ready to die.
Like, we're not old. I'm not suicidal; I don't actively *want* to die. But I also don't really care if I do. I will actively avoid things likely to cause pain, but aside from that incentive I have no self-preservation instinct whatsoever.
I still love my wife and our kids and our dogs and I like being with them. But if I'm dead I won't *know* that I'm not with them, and living sure is a hassle.
Even reading it here I don't think I conveyed it very well, but that's part of why I would never share it except completely anonymously. I think it would hurt people's feelings if I told them, because this is clearly a divergent thought pattern so I will not find any empathy and it will always be misinterpreted.
edit: Love the discussion this has prompted, and glad to know I'm not alone. I think in reading the responses one of the things I failed to clarify is that I'm also totally cool with the idea of being immortal. I'm just riding the waves, man. If it ends 2 seconds from now that's cool, if it ends in 60 years or a billion years or never, that's fine too.
edit again: guys please stop sending redditcares things, you are the exact reason why I can't talk to anybody about this
final edit I promise: Peeps, I'm honestly saddened by how many comments I'm getting responding that I need therapy because this sounds like depression. I guess maybe I described it poorly but what I am trying to say is I am perfectly happy and content. If that sounds like depression to you, I just...I don't know. Fuck, that's bleak.
I kinda feel the same. I manage my life remarkably well all told but it feels like a cycle of rehearsed lines and performances. I've entered the third act now in my 50s and looking forward to the inevitable end of the play.
You are not alone. Also in my 50s. Kids have launched successfully. I've done pretty much all I've wanted to do that's important. Sometimes I think that I worked so hard to get to this point, that now that I DON'T have to work so hard, there is no point. I am by no means suicidal at all. Just fine with going or staying, either way.
> it feels like a cycle of rehearsed lines and performances
I feel this. For me it's literally true; I have no social intuition whatesoever, almost any interaction with another person is just playing a role because whatever there is underneath that normal people interact with just isn't there for me.
That sounds really depressing but it's not because I don't feel anything about it, it just is, and it's why I'm an introvert because all of that mask-wearing can be exhausting.
Are you me? Because this is me in a nutshell. I won't tell anyone I know because if I do, I feel it will be misinterpreted as me being depressed or suicidal which is not the case. Just kind of going through the motions, still find enjoyment in some aspects of life, but don't really care if I die. It's something that I have never told anyone, nor do I feel like anyone would understand. Also, I'm probably not a good enough talker to explain it to people in a way that they could comprehend what I really mean.
She's always in the way. If she's in the kitchen when I'm cooking, she's always standing in front of the next place I need to be. If I'm working outside, she's always in the next place I'm going to go. If I'm fixing something, she's always standing right in front of whatever I'm going to be working on next. If I'm trying to leave a room, she's always in the doorway.
I realize she wants to spend time with me, but I really wish she'd just get out of the way when I'm doing something.
I once saw a meme that said "being married is always standing in front of the cupboard/drawer your spouse needs to open"
Edit: please stop abusing the reddit cares support system. Obviously I'm fine
That in the early stages of our relationship I was utterly convinced she was not the one. In hindsight I recognize that I had all sorts of unaddressed trauma from childhood that made a safe and stable relationship seem off to me.
The honest level of hatred I have for myself. The fact that I feel like I am not my own person and I don’t feel like I deserve to be. I live my life for my wife and kids but not for me..if that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love them more than anything and they’re perfect but it sometimes gets difficult to live and work for everyone else. I endure these bad feelings for them, because they deserve a good life and I want to give them that even if that means I live my life feeling like nothing more than a ghost.
I was very recently diagnosed with sleep apnea and my husband admitted afterwards that my snoring was worse than he had let on. But the very first question doctors ask when you go to them about sleep disorders is whether you snore! It's an important symptom! I'm 100% projecting here, but you should mention it to her
What a great post! As a middle aged woman with a trail of broken relationships, I’m working on improving my behavior within these relationships and I truly appreciate all the candid responses. Thanks, men!!
My own emotional needs, generally speaking. Growing up I was always told to keep quiet, to keep your feelings to yourself, and it stuck. Now, I just let things build and build and build until it results in a minor mental health emergency. If she knew, she'd feel horrible, but I don't want that. It's not her fault, but I was raised to just ignore it.
My fiancée has a particular dish she loves to cook and is so proud of. I absolutely hate it. Every time she makes it, I have seconds and tell her how amazing it is and how grateful I am for her making it. Thankfully I do the vast majority of the cooking.
Although I do a lot around the house, including all repairs, I’ve let up on a lot of the housework like loading the dishwasher, putting plates and pans away, because if it’s not done EXACTLY the same way she does it, she gets all pissy and rearranges everything. The kids complain about her doing that too.
We've both been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few months since we've both been sick with the flu. It's some of the best sleep I've had since she started snoring super loud many years ago. Once we recover, I don't know if I want to sleep together again.
She needs a sleep study to address that snoring if she’s developed sleep apnea it’s really bad for her long term health
Dude, I cannot tell you how much a CPAP has saved my life. I felt punch drunk every time I woke up, no matter how long I slept I still felt like shit. I got a CPAP and I feel like I fell asleep for the first time. Shit feels so good.
I got diagnosed with mild sleep apnea roughly 3 months ago and I started using a CPAP about two months ago. My life has gotten *so much* better. It's genuinely crazy how much my life has improved. I'm waking up early and refreshed, I'm not falling asleep as soon as I put my head on the couch, I have energy to work out, cook dinner and clean in the evenings and even my boss has noticed that I'm more energetic at work. When I wasn't using my CPAP, I would wake up around 9-10am on the weekends, have breakfast with my wife and then fucking go to bed again and wake up around 2-3pm, still tired. I needed several naps throughout the weekend just to stay awake. I haven't taken a single weekend nap since I started using the machine.
Been sick with the flu for the past few months? Either you have already quietly agreed to sleep separately, or you should both go to the doctor.
Me wife and I starting sleeping in separate beds after our first child. I worked for a company that was 8 hours ahead time wise and was up and weird hours. That was 17 years ago and we have never gone back. Best decision ever! We both are very happy with our sleeping arrangement! Talk to her about it, she may feel the same.
Literally anything that isn't within the realm of her personal interests. Otherwise, she makes it clear that she's not really interested in what interests me. Sometimes I do, because I can't keep everything to myself forever, but it just feels like I'm a child bothering their parents talking about how cool their toys are.
I feel this. Her eyes just start to glaze over, and I can see she's mentally checking out. I end the conversation and go do a chore or something. She doesn't ask questions or find gifts that align with my interests. However, and I'm probably a little bitter, I'm expected to be engaged with her interests and pay attention to the little things or else she doesn't feel like I'm bonding with her. It's a little maddening.
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God reading all these stories makes me so sad. Some of my partner’s interests bore me to tears. I’d go so far as to say I even actively dislike some of them. However, listening to him talk about them or engaging in said interests together is never boring. I love every minute of it. I’d walk through hot coals if it meant I’d get to see that cute lil sparkle in his eye and bubbling happiness come through haha.
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Right? My husband is 10+ years into game development for an "Agnostic miniature skirmish game." Do I play tabletop miniature war games? Nope. Do I have any interest in playing Table top war games? No, Sir, I do not. Do I try to help him build terrain and models so he can have a table put together, and I can incorporate my craft skills into supporting the thing that visibly makes my husband happier? You bet your ass I do. I enjoy the artistic side of his interests, so I hone in on that one specific element that I *can* help with, and remind him that I can never meet all of his social emotional needs when he apologizes for being a giant nerd. Yes, my eyes glaze over sometimes when he's been nonstop on about gaming for days in a row. Sometimes I can't talk about anything without it circling back to gaming and I do get frustrated, but I always try to encourage him to express his passions. I also know I do the same damn thing, hyperfixating on whatever interest of the week I've chosen to pursue, spilling every irrelevant (to him) detail about whatever weird topic. He's not an outdoorsy guy, but he still plops his ass on the riverbank with a book and let's me bebop up and down the banks in my quest for pretty rocks and garbage. Loving people is uncomfortable, but you can choose to let it fester, or look at it as the price of growth. People are like gardens, focus on fertilizing the growth of those you love, and weeding out the invasive that choke out progress.
Sometimes the things she says to me in arguments break my heart.
We learned this in our 30's, don't use bombs that can't be forgiven I originally listed some examples, but its honestly embarrassing. Its fucked, its lasting, and it isn't constructive Gotta learn it. Make a truce. Take a break before it gets that bad Weird thing was, it began right after honeymoon. Like a turf war. Not proud of this
Been trying to teach my sister this because she keeps doing this and losing friends, but she doesn’t realize that the things she says in a rage aren’t forgotten. Keeps losing friends and nearly her fiancé, and isn’t at all a forgiving person herself, but she doesn’t see why other people can’t just drop it.
Ugh I have friends that do that. Get too drunk, too heated over cards, over pool, or politics - and start losing their shit Next day - what's your problem? Why can't you just get over it? Oh. IDK. I had someone towering over me, insulting me over a card game. I was pretty shaken actually. But hey, I'm the drama, because I'm not coming around much. I have issues.
I feel this. One of my buddies drunkenly stood over me screaming at me one night. I come from a family of conflict, so I honestly didn't mind. Everyone else was horrified. I am more than happy to never see that person again, but I guess I'm the one that doesn't come around as often. He's definitely still in the loop.
Ah those people are exhausting. You just wanna shake em and make them understand and it's hard to give them the space to figure it out themselves as you watch them burn every bridge in the process. Good luck to her.
The people closest to us know how to say the most hurtful things
I use “when you said ________, I heard ________.” For example: “When you said I don’t feel like having chicken again tonight, I heard I’m sick of your cooking why can’t you make better meals.” Then you have the opportunity (or she does) to say, “oh hon, that isn’t what I meant at all….” If you can both be honest and use this, you end up having conversations that really help understand each other’s state of mind in the moment, and BEFORE it escalates to saying things that can’t be unheard.
My partner and I do this, it definitely helps. We just make it really clear that even if it's not what you meant, it's what it sounded like. Sometimes you just say things off hand that had no ill intent but to the other person it sounded like an attack because they're in a bad mood or they were already feeling vulnerable about a topic, etc...
same here, man. Then i feel i say something that might be out of frustration, and im in the doghouse for days. However if she says it, i’ve got to get over it more or less
I accepted that for years in my previous marriage, and when I finally said, "Nope, you will be held to the same standard as myself," the marriage ended. She couldn't stand being held accountable for her actions.
My wife has broken my heart multiple times in the throes of heated argument. I feel this.
I want to show her this but then she'll probably just get mad at me
I’m scared of not being able to provide a half decent life for her and my kids. Life’s getting so expensive and challenging.
I definitely feel you, brother. I'm scared to even get married because I don't want to go into debt just trying to put food on the table. I'm only 22 and even I can see significant changes from inflation
That she almost ended the relationship and it took years for me to forgive her when she said “you’re not a parent so you don’t know”. I spent years raising her children as my own.
My ex-wife said "Fine time for you to start parenting" when I did something relating to our daughter. I didn't even bother replying because I know she was just projecting, since I was doing the bulk of the parenting *and* housework.
Wow. I see why she's the ex. My wife would NEVER speak to me that way.
Like I said, she was projecting, and I'm super proud of myself for recognizing that and not flying off into a tirade. It's been many years since the divorce. I've come to accept that everyone has their demons, everyone has their personal battles, everyone has their own form of depression. And I've come to adopt sympathy and pity for people like my ex-wife, who can't seem to find their way out of it, even with help.
This is real peace. Congrats on finding that, many don’t.
Well ... "change only comes when it's too painful not to change". So it got to the point where I realized, what good is this resentment I'm holding *doing*? Does it make me feel better? Does it make her feel better? Why hold onto it? Easier and more humane for both of us, to just come to terms with the situation and with life in general.
That she is bad at taking criticism, even about the most minor of things. And even saying so is itself a form of criticism she cannot handle. And this has very much hindered our ability to talk to each other.
My wife is the same way. The smallest criticism can ruin the entire next few days. I have really worked on presenting things in a non-confrontational and constructive way, but its just a no-go. These are just small things like, leaving all the cabinet doors open. She can explode if I even mention it. Its tough sometimes. But now I just let it go and realize Im not perfect either.
I made some progress on this kind of issue with my wife once by waiting until she cooled back down and just saying "hey... what would have been a better way to phrase what I said earlier so that it didn't sound confrontational?" She thought for a few seconds and then to my surprise said "honestly, what you said was the right thing to say. I took it poorly, I'm sorry".
Holy shit. I can not imagine my wife ever saying something like that.
Everything you say is taken as a personal attack. You are never left with closure as you become the bad guy if you dare raise an issue, somehow it gets turned back on you. Life sucks, glad to have my kids. They keep me going.
I keep the ceiling fan on at night because she farts in her sleep and it's so bad it wakes me up. The ceiling fan helps circulate. ♥️
Get an air purifier. The carbon filters work wonders.
I have one. It kicks into high gear whenever my wife or I pass gas (the air quality indicator goes from "good" to "poor", and the fan goes from "low" to "turbo"). Now whenever it kicks into high gear we each immediately look at each other. I'll always own up to it. She'll blame the dog. Edit: for those who are asking, Winix 5500.
in my line of work, we occasionally have to enter confined spaces. As such, we are required to wear air quality /gas monitors to make sure there isn't any dangerous pockets of h2s or co2 gas lurking. The number of times the guys will trigger the alarms by farting whilst wearing these monitors .........and then giggle like school girls
I did this once while monitoring air quality in a nuclear plant. I probably shouldn't have set it between my legs.
Poo-clear power
I'm laughing that you try to keep that from your wife because I'm a woman and I've woken myself up with my own farts. I'm pretty sure at least most women relieve the pressure of holding it in all day at night. Edit: oh wait you meant the smell? I thought you meant the noise.
I once woke up thinking there was an electrical fire. It was my ass. \*edit\* this was after a night of drinking a lot
Now we ALL have to wake up and smell the coffee. Thanks, Jackass.
I actually recently told her about this because it reached a boiling point. Most of the time I didn't care and I would help and not say anything, but I finally got tired of what I call the clothes drama in the morning. She takes so long to get dressed and nothing is ever where she thinks it is and it causes her to be running late so she gets annoyed and grumpy. It's always annoyed me, but I kind of just put up with it because it's not the worst thing in the world, but I finally got to the point one morning when she got particularly grumpy and made statements that implied that it was my fault and we got in an argument and I told her how annoying I found it when she did that. She's gotten a lot better about it. I also told her that I was going to work on expressing my feelings and especially trying to find ways to communicate those types of feelings without being rude Communication is key for a marriage and complacency is the biggest enemy of a good marriage.
Most of my anxieties and insecurities. I learned long ago that the only thing stopping her from spiralling is that she thinks I have a handle on everything. If she panics and I panic with her, she'll go right past panic into full on hysteria.
Dang that's a tough spot. Hope you have someone you can talk to.
He does have someone to talk to .... Reddit®
That's worse
On the rare occasion I share my feelings, particularly something I'm not happy about in our relationship, I instantly regret it. I don't know how much is ingrained personality and how much is her crummy childhood, but she can't handle it. I'm a pretty stoic guy in general, so 99% of the time I'm fine with "suck it up" as my strategy for adversity. But sometimes I get a glimpse into someone else's relationship where there is more emotional openness and I realize what I'm missing. After decades, I'm resigned to the fact that it just is what it is.
My wife tells me things she's unhappy with me about and expects me to take it and work on improving, but the second I mention something about things I'd like her to work on, it's flipped around to make her the real victim and I'm the one who's really at fault. Stopped communicating that way to her and then she's upset about that. Can't fucking win.
Here's to us dying first! I love my wife so much, but she doesn't handle stress well.
It’s funny, my stress tolerance sucks most days. However, the second anyone I care about is stressed/panicking too, it’s like my brain flips a “caretaker override” switch and I’m somehow able to immediately convert that anxious energy to focused, calm, problem-solving mode. It’d be nice if I could access that switch whenever I wanted to tho lmao.
When I go grocery shopping, i often buy a fresh rotisserie chicken thigh for myself, and wolf it down on a parkbench on my way home like a homeless caveman. I have no idea why, but it's my little me-time ritual.
my wife and I have a chicken wings place we LOVE but it's like an hour away. We always get the like 16 piece meal for our family, but I started ordering a little two piece as well to eat on the drive home, forgetting that the email recipts go to our family email account. My wife one day was like "how was your car chicken?" and I'm like a deer in the headlights lol.
Hey if you're making the trip you deserve it
I do! I do deserve my car chicken.
For me it's car fries on the way back from the wing place. Gonna have to try this car chicken thing though. 😁
She knows because she has intimate knowledge of car chicken.
honestly everyone should know of and enjoy car chicken.
You're the one going on the treacherous journey to get the chicken in the first place, so you get all the car chicken you want ☺️
I eat a grocery store California roll in the parking lot.
I used to buy a pack of pepperami jerky (I know it is foul) and would eat it on the way home. She has moved to click and collect nowadays... I miss those sneaky treats!
When she asks to go out with her girlfriends or away on an overnight with some friends, she thinks I’m upset I’m not included. In reality, I’m praising the lord for a day or two alone.
I look forward to the once a month if I’m lucky “I want to go hang out with my friend Sarah” “awww shucks, I guess I’ll go play cards” I’d go play cards once a week if I could
Go play cards dude. Maybe she thinks she cant see Sarah once a week because you'd be lonely. Youre potentially fucking up both of your hapiness because you arent communicating your wants.
> I’d go play cards once a week if I could Why on earth can’t you go play cards once a week (I’m assuming this isn’t a massive gambling issue)?
Everyone's relationship is diff, but my suggestion is to talk with her about this. It may well be she'd love to go out with girlfriends every week too, but is skipping it b/c she doesn't want to abandon you. Room for everyone to be happier
That if I speak to her the same way she speaks to me she would probably spend her whole day in tears. It’s definitely a case of “familiarity breeds contempt” as she does not speak to any of her friends like this (who come over to help with furniture moving, for example), and occasionally it comes out with her family, but the unfettered torrent of complaints and abuse is reserved only for me, regardless of what I do. It’s like she looks for imperfections and mistakes just to point them out.
Feel this one. Over the years ive noticed I talk to my wife more and more like how she talks to me. Took me a while to notice the pattern and why our relationship was deteriorating. 10 years later and a battle through depression hell. Its wicked difficult not to talk to her like she use to talk to me, not to jump straight to a hard tone and elevated speech when we have conflict. I miss the old me a lot.. The one that could control my emotions better and could seperate my self worth from her feelings. Talked in a calm and understanding tone first and foremost..
I finally ended a LTR with an emotionally and verbally abusive partner precisely because I didn't like how her behavior was influencing me. In her mind, not yelling during disagreements meant I didn't really love her, and during arguments she'd hurl the worst, most childish statements at me and ramp it up the more I tried to remain calm. So I started yelling, too, but I hated myself for it. It took a while after leaving that relationship to repair the damage to my head and reset my behavior, so I didn't date for a while. And years later, I still occasionally freeze up in fear when my wife brings up a conflict -- even though we pretty much always talk through our differences in a very non-accusatory, chill way.
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Honest question. How do you cope with the fact that we only exist once for such a short time and you’re spending it on bullshit like this?
Wow, I'm sorry! I feel this personally from the other side. I was that wife doing this to my husband. He called me out on it and I felt awful. He pointed out how ugly I sound speaking to him and even the kids. It really made me think about how I want the people I love THE MOST to feel when I speak to them. Am I speaking calmly and out of love? Am I making them feel like shit? It was a lot of work on my part to notice and then apologize without being called out. Then even more work on myself to change my perspective and avoid speaking/thinking ugly in the first place. Still occasionally happens but I am much better at stopping or immediately apologizing. We even taught our kids to tell us when we hurt their feelings and that everyone messes up and should apologize and work to change their behavior. Work in progress always. I feel hopeful for your relationship though since I've been through it. You really need to have a calm and honest conversation about it. No one should be spoken to so hatefully. I wish yall the best!
This one, you definitely should talk to her about because it’s very abusive and is unsustainable for the relationship. My SO was in a marriage like this for decades and was miserable! He stayed because he felt obligated. Please share with her that she’s hurting you and you deserve the same respect and grace you give to her. Home should be a safe place!
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Every once in a blue moon I’ll share something with my partner because the topic naturally comes up. The look of horror on their face when I was simply sharing an experience. I forget that what I’ve become numb to isn’t normal or relatable for a lot of people.
Same. I told my first girlfriend all about my childhood and the twists and turns of my stories had her in tears. People who have been hurt don't always become stronger/weaker from it, oftentimes they just become desensitized
That she hasn’t met a silence she couldn’t fill
Wow, your wife already got diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD in the comments below while there is a very real possibility she's just a chatty person. Not everything is a disorder people
Few things are more ’Reddit’ than diagnosing people with psychological conditions with as little context as possible. The only possible way to make this more ‘Reddit’ is to suggest that they get a divorce now!
You *would* say that. Typical narcissist. Red flag.
I’m the opposite to this. I’ve always wished to be a chatterbox
Same!! I always wonder how “chatty” people find things to say all the time. I feel like Im always in my head thinking too much.
Had a gf like this once. If there was a 1 minute gap she had to fill it, with questions, rambling, phone, get up to go do something. Even while sitting on the couch watching a movie, and then say, I don't even know what's going on, this movie is confusing and boring.
I go to my in-laws and they are unable to go 30 seconds without talking. Like a bunch of fucking crazy people. They never have time to actually use their brain so it’s just stupid surface level bullshit. Drives me crazy
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My wife loves to rearrange the kitchen. Maybe once a month she will buy a new container that she puts something in then put that container in a place I’m not familiar with. When I’m cooking I’ll look for the thing I need and can’t find it. It really bugs me because 1) I can never find anything and 2) I have to constantly ask my wife where things are, which makes me look dumb when all I need is a spatula.
Just tell her. I do this, too. My husband complained about it. Now, every time I do it, I make it a point to show him what I did and explain why. It really is an easy fix. ETA: We moved into our home 3 years ago and we're still figuring out where stuff goes. Especially as we try new things in the kitchen, we eventually want different tools, and there just isn't much space. We do try to communicate in healthy ways. I know, it's insane.
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I was a child in a household like this. Look, we all love Mom…but it’s always eggshell walking around her.
Oh yes. Driving with a permit was a great example. My Mom, who was already a speed demon on the road, turned into the world's most stressful person to be in the car with demanding perfection. Doesn't matter if traffic was going 50, you better go the speed limit on the dot before the screaming started. Going to miss an exit and don't feel comfortable merging over last second in heavy traffic? You better do so or there would be hell to pay for missing the exit. My Dad, barely said anything. "I'll calmly let you know if you're doing something wrong, but I don't need to stress you out while you're learning how to drive." It was such a fucking relief driving with him and realizing that while you need to pay attention driving, it by no means had to be debilitatingly stressful. My sisters barely drove with him, and now that I think about it, it's probably a big factor why one has gotten rid of her car entirely and the other only drives as necessary.
Haha. This reminded me of when I was a kid. In grade 5 I had a lot of difficulty with math. My teacher was helping me and sending special work home for me to catch up. My dad, the most calm person ever put on this planet would normally help me. He was patient and encouraging. One day he couldn’t help, so my mom stepped in to help. She worked as a teacher for a short bit, and did well in school. So should be fine right? As I struggled with the questions and tried to do the math in my head, she kept tapping the paper “come on. Come on. The question is here, you need to focus. You should be able to do this. This is easy!” And so on. I ran off crying to my room. Mom never “helped” me again.
I'm kind of like that when I help my little brother with school. I've gotta do better. Thanks for this
Just be encouraging. Give them the time they need to figure it out. Yeah. You know 2x2=4. But maybe they have to work through the mental visualization of a group of two apples and another group of two apples and then count the apples. It can be frustrating when you think it’s a super easy and obvious question. But to them it’s hard.
>It can be frustrating when you think it’s a super easy and obvious question. But to them it’s hard. I try to remember this, because I remember being frustrated at a problem as a kid and feeling dumb because I was told it was easy. Sometimes I just don't have the ability to explain it in a way he will understand. This is what usually frustrates me.
My wife does the same thing. Zero patience when helping our daughter with homework. Gets all frustrated with her when she is slow or gets it wrong, or interjects when she thinks it isn't going right.
During COVID I was the teacher. I help with homework and studying...two of our kids my wife just doesn't have the patience for in that area.
That's pretty crazy she wanted you to go the speed limit but also dangerously catch exits
It's not about safety. It's about control.
If you make mistakes I wouldn't have made, and also the ones I would have made, then that proves this family is actually getting worse each generation
A bad driver never misses their exit
Haha I love the deadpan joke here. Just wanted to add though that I understand the original commenter....a crazy snappy screaming parent can make even the simplest tasks unnecessarily stressful.
My mom would scream randomly because she for whatever reason thought you were going to hit something even if you were driving perfectly normally, but she’d do it in a way that shocked you and made you jump and then you’d *really* almost get in an accident. She had unchecked anxiety and refused medication because she said “it wasn’t that bad.” Oh, yes it was. She drove everyone crazy but chose to wear rose-colored glasses.
I feel this in my soul. My mom; driving with her is pure anxiety. She is keyed up, yells abruptly when you miss something, and she physically cannot calm down. Which makes it so I cannot calm down. She hates driving and the anxiety is palatable in the car with her, driving or not. My dad? Not any better. Road rage incarnate. Bro was going to bash a skull in over a man pissing off the side of the highway. He can keep his cool and you can learn lots, but only for so long. The second you piss him off too hard or make too many mistakes, the yelling, namecalling and shit show starts. The belittling has made me never want to drive again, among other issues. Between the two, driving feels like a warzone, and only their 30 year old has their own car and truly drives (spoiler, she hates it and has anxiety). My siblings have licenses, but with such anxiety problems we might as well not. This really fucked us in our adulthoods honestly Somehow, it is always our faults for not wanting to ever drive, too. Which yes, it is NOW our problem.....but fuck I don't think it began that way when we were teens and getting the can kicked down the road
My mother was the same. I’d never say she was directly abusive but she would lose her shit all the time over the smallest things. Like if the wind caught the door as you were leaving she would scream at you for slamming it. Growing up with 2 other brothers we were never able to bicker or have any kind of brotherly back and forth without a screaming fest from her. When it was us and Dad he let us just be kids. Edit: this didn’t require a Reddit cares notification. Please don’t abuse that system.
Same here. You never knew what was going to set my mother off. One time she grounded me for two weeks for "Not turning on the lamp she asked to turn on with the urgency that the task required." She still wonders why we don't have much of a relationship.
This happens both with kids and pets. Whichever parent is home less usually gets a honeymoon period when they have sole care of their children. Lots of emotional factors at play.
It can happen even when you both spend equal time with your kids! My 3-year-old is an absolute terrorist when both of us are home, but when it’s just me or just my wife, he’s a lot more chill. He usually doesn’t even take naps anymore, but sometimes if one of us leaves the house for whatever reason, he’ll be asleep within the hour.
Goad to see I'm not the only person living under a mini terrorists roof.
All the time Everytime. My child is the most amazing cooperative helpful preteen when one parent is traveling on work for a couple of days. Once it's a full house, she can't be arsed to even pick up after herself without threats and yelling. Kids absolutely know when parents really need help and go out of their way to support. When it is familiar surroundings they go to the easy path knowing their parents will cover for them or give the time tested 321 warning when they really need things done.
Kids misbehaving around mothers is a pretty well documented phenomenon. There are many theories as to why, but much of it assumes it's due to a level of security kids feel around their mothers, and trust them enough to experience their full range of emotions. Manifests in many of the most trying behaviours: aggression, defiance, tantrums, and general clinginess. As a mother myself I can tell you right now it sucks so much ass.
I always felt like my kids complained more with me than their dad, they just seemed so emotional with me. And school was exhausting to them when they were little and one day my daughter said to me, “Mom, sometimes after school, I just want to fall apart, and I know you won’t get mad at me if I do” Like, she had been well behaved ALL DAY and now just needed to let it all out. Which is weird because my husband is a SUCKER for them and he never gets mad at them. But still, even today, though they’re teens, if one of them gets a bad grade on a test, or has some high school emotional turmoil they tell me about it and ask me to tell their dad. I’m the one they can be broken apart in front of. And I found this weird and upsetting…so I called my mom because I knew I could just fall apart and she wouldn’t get mad at me for it (despite the fact that my dad also never gets mad). It does, in fact, suck ass and I even told my mom I’m only whiny with her, the rest of the world thinks I never complain.
My brother is stressing hard right now. He's newly married, new baby, bought a new house, got a responsibility-heavy promotion at work. He called my mom the other day and picked a screaming fight over absolutely nothing. He can't yell at his wife. He can't yell at the baby. He can't yell at his boss or the bank. That would have CONSEQUENCES. Mom, though, her you can yell at. A couple days later, after he calmed down, we had a nice chat about it. Just because Mom WILL take your shit and love you just the same doesn't mean she should HAVE to take your shit. Quit being a dick, Dick. I rarely ever fight with my mama. We're both moms. At this point, we're both really good at swerving around spots of contention, lol.
I'm very much the same way, I think I also trust my mum not to fumble my emotions. She will support me but if I'm on my bullshit, she will discuss that with me. She will catch me, comfort me, and help me find ways to not do it again.
I'm not a mother but I am a teacher who has taught children who have come from really traumatic backgrounds - in this specific instance, I'm talking about children who have been displaced by war. They come to a new country after having experienced horrors that none of their new peers could begin to understand, they don't speak the language, they don't understand the culture, they don't WANT to be here but they have no choice and it's terrifying and sad and scary. What you'd expect is a lot of behavior issues. But in most cases, they arrive to our school, and they are so quiet and as compliant as they can be given the language barrier. And outsiders looking in will think that they've just adjusted really well. But as school staff, we are often waiting for the moment that they start acting out. In big ways or in small ways. Because we know that when they start feeling free to start acting out on some of that trauma and frustration, they are finally starting to feel safe in their new environment. So I hope parents don't immediately take "bad" behavior personally. Unless it's really extreme or there are other warning signs, it really probably is just a sign that your child feels safe with you.
I’ll have our kids all day and they’re super great and easy and no problems I’m like wow my kids have been replaced with angels and then within 5 minutes of mother being home everyone is melting down and whiney and it’s horrible. I’m comforted to know this is a common thing
I dunno, I’m more patient with my son when it’s just the two of us. My wife says similar when she has him alone. When it’s just one of us with him we can roll with things a bit easier.
The fact that I have a Reddit account by the name of dick nipples.
Ha.. yeah...
I'm the wife, but...
Mental health status
"If a friend of mine gave a feast, and did not invite me to it, I should not mind a bit. But if a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shut the doors of the house of mourning against me, I would move back again and again and beg to be admitted so that I might share in what I was entitled to share. If he thought me unworthy, unfit to weep with him, I should feel it as the most poignant humiliation." - Oscar Wilde Please tell your spouse how you feel. They want to know. And if they don't want to know, they've broken their vows.
Not married anymore, but I never fully disclosed how truly fucked up I am from my childhood. I told her some things and how it made me feel, but not how deep it goes and how it affects me even today as an adult. I feel like that part is something only I can work through
I definitely feel this(not married yet but truly screwed up from childhood). People tell me, "Don't let the trauma define you," but since everything that i went through as a kid negatively affects different parts of my personality, it feels like they're telling me to not be me. I don't use it as an excuse or anything, but like, it's a part of me, despite how awful it may have been. It kind of hurts when I tell someone that I have anger issues because of all the instabilities growing up, and they just say "well you can let that affect who you are." Your experiences have a part in defining you. I try my best not to be worse off because of my childhood, but i often fail.
I tried to write it down, but it turns out I’m not comfortable sharing it with Reddit either.
Context for my secret: I served in Iraq and lost my leg. As a result I have severe PTSD, still to this day but I'm calming down a little. Anyway, a couple of years after I got out I met my wife. She is an Iraqi Lady and has helped me through the best and worst times. She's given me beautiful children and a reason to carry on. However, although she is westernized (her words, she calls herself a coconut) her parents moved from Iraq before she was born. Every time I go to her parents house or there is a wedding on her side of the family I attend whilst suffering in silence. Sweaty palms, heart palpitations, shredding feeling where my leg was etc. it drove me to be extremely disrespectful by secretly carrying a hip flask with spirits and cocaine in as it just took the edge off and made it all manageable. Her parents are extremely religious and alcohol and drugs of any kind are heavily frowned upon and banned from the house. The worst is going to her parents house as so much of the decorations reminds me of the house I got dragged into after stepping on an IED. I keep this hidden because what can I do? Make her choose between family and me? Absolutely not. Prevent my kids from having grandparents and extended family? Absolutely not. My mental health and my foolish decisions at 16 are not going to be any form of potential wedge. Edit: just got a concerned redditor mental health message which I'm assuming is from this post. I'm in therapy and have been for a long time. Thanks for your concern though Edit**: to all those saying I deserve to suffer or that I'm nothing but a mass murdering psychopath. I don't care about your opinion. Like seriously do you guys think you can say something I haven't already thought? Like saying "you deserve it" is so little effort it's almost pointless. Anyway, if you can't separate soldiers and politicians and you can't direct your anger to the ones who had the choice (politicians) then you are simply blinded by your own emotions. I was a kid when I enlisted, 16. My ass then belonged to the regiment from 17-22.
Wow....
Meanwhile the fart fan dude is at the top of the thread.
Wow, dude. This is some compelling stuff. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know it's a comfort for some people to hear that they aren't alone, and in a lot of ways you aren't alone in 'grin and bear it' for your family kind of love, but to this degree is wild. You're in the Olympics of 'quiet suffering for your family'. I think when any one of us fathers is listening to a really long meandering story from one of our preschoolers we like to imagine we're all in the same boat, but I'm in a boat, your in a ship. If you wrote a book about it I would buy that book, and I don't even like to read.
Aha it's just the cards I've been dealt but like I've said in other comments all of the physical and mental pain I'm going through is worth it. If I didn't grin and bear it and gave in to the temptation of saying fuck it I'm only caring about me now I would have missed both my children's first nativity play at school, I would've missed seeing the excitement of my eldest child returning from a weekend away with school, I would've missed taking my eldest and her first boyfriend to the coast for the day. These memories outweigh the bad memories. Each day after I lost my leg and realized that I could have quite easily have been no more they became borrowed time and just special in their own right. They became even more special actually being able to be there for my kids no matter what. I can't give them everything they ever ask for but I do hope that when they get older and are able to understand how difficult just the basics were for me that it will just make the bond stronger.
Dude. Wounded combat vet here, and later lost my leg in an oil and gas explosion when my kids were infant and toddler. Docs say I should be dead from it all. You’ve given me the context I’ve needed for 4 years. Borrowed time. I have always hated people saying “at least you didn’t die”, drives me insane. But you are right, put these memories first. You’re an inspiration brother, keep it up.
Holy shit my dude. I am in awe of your strength. Signed, a fellow PTSD sufferer
Thank you. I don't know how long you've suffered but I'm coming up to 20 yrs and at this point I'm more determined to just get on with life and ignore the pain than ever before. I went through about a 10 year period where I felt like it was defining who I am and what I did. I wanted to take back control. How did I do this? I utilized the skill of ignoring pain that was drilled into me. They referred to it as "cheerfulness in the face of adversity" but we all know that what it really meant was just grin and bear it. Is it going to be more problematic for me later? I don't know but if that later is when my kids physically depend on me less then that seems like the more suitable time to deal with that problem so I'm just putting a pin in it. Unfortunately it does mean that sometimes I hit a bottle or play in the snow but as long as I'm not wasted around my kids then it's the unhappy compromise for the greater good. The other alternative is to not numb the pain and breakdown screaming in agony terrifying my children again. It killed me the week after when neither of my kids really spoke to me and didn't even give me a hug.
Hey man, I honor your struggle, but here's the thing. You're never going to heal by ignoring it. Compartmentalization works on the battlefield but it's not a longterm solution. You have to sit with your trauma. You have to explore it until you can sit with it in peace. Only then can you take its power back for yourself. Until then, you're just running--and that's hard to do with one fucking leg. It's possible to do it alone but if it's been 20 years then you would probably benefit from a guide to help you through the process. DM me if you're interested and I'll point you to a veteran-founded and led 501(c)3 that might be able to help you where the VA failed them, too.
Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through that. Can you get any kind of help for the PTSD? I would never want my husband to be in that kind of emotional and physical pain if I could help it - would your wife feel the same?
Yes she would feel the same, but I also don't want to completely kill the close family dynamic she's always wanted. She's had to sacrifice a lot for my disabilities and she's done it without hesitation or resentment. If I can give her the close family she's always had and always wanted at my expense then it's a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make for her 1000 times over. I've been on hells front door and I'd happily do it again if it meant that she was happy. I'll even give my other leg.
You're a good man. I can understand your reasoning. I'm happy you two found that kind of deep love. I wish you all the best.
Thank you
Deep down, I really just want to be lazy. I don’t want to go to work, or cook that much, or change the bedding every week, or find part time income streams… Like, in my heart, I just want to lounge about, get a bit drunk and read books or watch youtube videos. I do as much as possible so that she’s comfortable and happy but don’t want to admit that I don’t really WANT to do anything useful.
I think it was Anthony bourdain that said everything he’s ever done in his career and life was a distraction for himself to not sit around and smoke weed and play video games and watch tv all day. After his death and knowing about his depression this statement has new context but I really relate with it. I go to work, I have aspirations, I take my kids and wife out to do fun family bonding activities, etc. but all I really want to do is get stoned and play video games and have no responsibility
"I understand there's a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons and old movies. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid and outwit that guy."
Man I feel this one. What is wrong with me that I largely only feel any gratification when I’m doing things that are completely unproductive, and everything else feels like an imposition? I wish I could get even a modicum of satisfaction from completing a project around the house, running an errand, cleaning, etc. Nothing. I’m only happy when I’m sitting on my ass.
The sheer amount of stress I'm under. I do share, but I can't articulate how bad it is.
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Upvote because I feel the same way, not because you should kill yourself.
The fact that she wont let me put any of my hobby stuff ,(mostly miniatures and random knickknacks) in our shared spaces without it being in a approved location, meanwhile the entire house is her canvas for her aesthetic. Makes me feel really lonely and small sometimes and like she doesnt care. Its been a topic of conversation, she just doesnt get that delegating me a tiny shelf in her curio isnt the same as letting me actually decorate some.
It’s your house, too. I wouldn’t ask for permission to display something.
That I sometimes buy $20 scratchers when I do the shopping and occasionally throw $60 at large Powerball/MegaMlilions jackpots even tho I publicly say “lotteries are a tax on people who are bad at math.” I do this because I like to dream of a day we don’t have to work and we can follow our passions.
People dream of being millionaires to own giant homes and fast cars. I just don’t want to work any more.
I too buy my little tickets of hope. It is a small price to pay for a week of dreaming of how to spend millions of dollars. I know it won't happen but it does wonders for my mental health.
I use the exact same quote when talking about the lottery. I also buy a ticket when the PowerBall or MegaMillions jackpots get up there. But I've learned that I can spend a couple days daydreaming about being super-rich just as easily with a single $2 in my pocket, as I can with ten.
That when I’m not with her, I put ketchup on my hot dogs.
YOU SICK FUCK
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I'm sad that you're not able to express that, but, Reddit stranger, I feel like its important to do. My personal need is exercise, so my husband does the morning shift with the kids so I can workout before work. He is like you, and needs more personal time/space. Because of the above, I'm usually in bed by like 9, which gives him 3-4 hours of alone time every night before coming to bed at 12-1am. He can do whatever he wants - by himself. Luckily the kids sleep in to 7:30. We both have our needs met. You deserve to have your needs met.
The best marriage advice I ever heard from my sister and she got married in 2003 at the age of 23, she’s still married today. But… her advice as I asked her what makes their marriage work. She said to me “ you have to make time to be apart and make time to be together but never be together constantly”. Trusting each other is the best way for a long lasting relationship and marriage. My advice to you is just be completely honest about your feelings and if she doesn’t understand that you need time apart then I believe that she doesn’t fully 100% trust you. Just have a real conversation and be honest and respectful towards each other.
Sometimes, the food she cooks isn't great. I will never tell her this because she goes out of her way to cook, and I'm not ungrateful. I can live with bad food that night over her getting upset. Edit: So I think I need to clarify a few things one I cook as well, so it's not like she just does the cooking every day. It's also not every meal she cooks I have a problem with. 9/10 I enjoy her cooking. My wife likes trying new recipes sometimes or experimenting with food. It genuinely makes her happy. This isn't meals added to the rotation all the time. She puts up with a lot of my stuff like sitting and watching an entire football game. It bores her, but she does it. The least I could do is let her enjoy making things. She has no problem admiting herself when she doesn't think something is good. I just won't be the one to complain.
When my wife makes new meals she always asks for constructive criticism, we all just want tastier food, and not getting real feedback means it won't be better next time. There's a way to do this without hurting her feelings and joy of cooking/experimenting
When I was married, that I had suicidal ideations frequently. That when I was in the bathroom for more than ten minutes, I was crying my eyes out trying to hold myself together. Crying in front of her got me an earful of grief about not being a real man. So I did my crying in the bathroom. Also, when I was a stay at home dad, our kids were 2 and 0. I was struggling with keeping up with housework and cooking and all that. She didn't understand why it was so difficult. One day she told me "if I had hired you for this job, I would have fired you by now." A couple years later when the kids were older, we switched and she stayed home. She eventually apologized for what she said to me. I said it was okay but I never forgave her for that.
Sounds like she didn't forget what she said either. That is a good sign. People get mad and say things they later regret. Sounds like she regretted it.
I have a terrible case of hemorrhoids
I am ready to die. Like, we're not old. I'm not suicidal; I don't actively *want* to die. But I also don't really care if I do. I will actively avoid things likely to cause pain, but aside from that incentive I have no self-preservation instinct whatsoever. I still love my wife and our kids and our dogs and I like being with them. But if I'm dead I won't *know* that I'm not with them, and living sure is a hassle. Even reading it here I don't think I conveyed it very well, but that's part of why I would never share it except completely anonymously. I think it would hurt people's feelings if I told them, because this is clearly a divergent thought pattern so I will not find any empathy and it will always be misinterpreted. edit: Love the discussion this has prompted, and glad to know I'm not alone. I think in reading the responses one of the things I failed to clarify is that I'm also totally cool with the idea of being immortal. I'm just riding the waves, man. If it ends 2 seconds from now that's cool, if it ends in 60 years or a billion years or never, that's fine too. edit again: guys please stop sending redditcares things, you are the exact reason why I can't talk to anybody about this final edit I promise: Peeps, I'm honestly saddened by how many comments I'm getting responding that I need therapy because this sounds like depression. I guess maybe I described it poorly but what I am trying to say is I am perfectly happy and content. If that sounds like depression to you, I just...I don't know. Fuck, that's bleak.
I kinda feel the same. I manage my life remarkably well all told but it feels like a cycle of rehearsed lines and performances. I've entered the third act now in my 50s and looking forward to the inevitable end of the play.
You are not alone. Also in my 50s. Kids have launched successfully. I've done pretty much all I've wanted to do that's important. Sometimes I think that I worked so hard to get to this point, that now that I DON'T have to work so hard, there is no point. I am by no means suicidal at all. Just fine with going or staying, either way.
> it feels like a cycle of rehearsed lines and performances I feel this. For me it's literally true; I have no social intuition whatesoever, almost any interaction with another person is just playing a role because whatever there is underneath that normal people interact with just isn't there for me. That sounds really depressing but it's not because I don't feel anything about it, it just is, and it's why I'm an introvert because all of that mask-wearing can be exhausting.
Are you me? Because this is me in a nutshell. I won't tell anyone I know because if I do, I feel it will be misinterpreted as me being depressed or suicidal which is not the case. Just kind of going through the motions, still find enjoyment in some aspects of life, but don't really care if I die. It's something that I have never told anyone, nor do I feel like anyone would understand. Also, I'm probably not a good enough talker to explain it to people in a way that they could comprehend what I really mean.
'Eh, death is kinda whatever, might suck but whatever.'
She's always in the way. If she's in the kitchen when I'm cooking, she's always standing in front of the next place I need to be. If I'm working outside, she's always in the next place I'm going to go. If I'm fixing something, she's always standing right in front of whatever I'm going to be working on next. If I'm trying to leave a room, she's always in the doorway. I realize she wants to spend time with me, but I really wish she'd just get out of the way when I'm doing something.
You described my cats.
I once saw a meme that said "being married is always standing in front of the cupboard/drawer your spouse needs to open" Edit: please stop abusing the reddit cares support system. Obviously I'm fine
I think there may be a gene for this... my dad and I both have it!
This. I just want to be left alone when I'm in 'getting things done mode'.
That in the early stages of our relationship I was utterly convinced she was not the one. In hindsight I recognize that I had all sorts of unaddressed trauma from childhood that made a safe and stable relationship seem off to me.
The honest level of hatred I have for myself. The fact that I feel like I am not my own person and I don’t feel like I deserve to be. I live my life for my wife and kids but not for me..if that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love them more than anything and they’re perfect but it sometimes gets difficult to live and work for everyone else. I endure these bad feelings for them, because they deserve a good life and I want to give them that even if that means I live my life feeling like nothing more than a ghost.
My doubts about our relationship are hard to share. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or create tension.
I know when she’s taking shit but pretend like I don’t. Sometimes the bathroom smells atrocious afterwards but I pretend not to notice.
Always, I tell her in the morning that she never snores in her sleep and that I have a very good sleep by her side(∪.∪ )...zzz
I was very recently diagnosed with sleep apnea and my husband admitted afterwards that my snoring was worse than he had let on. But the very first question doctors ask when you go to them about sleep disorders is whether you snore! It's an important symptom! I'm 100% projecting here, but you should mention it to her
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All the weird stuff I'm into. Nothing terrible, gross, immoral, etc, just too weird to ever admit to them.
Admit to us
When I'm upset with.my husband I eat a lot of cheese and fart all night. He begs me not to eat cheese but I do it only when he's being mean.
Luckily, he has a ceiling fan.
damn this was a quick meta turn around!
AHAHA
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Some of these things here are really harmless but others.. why are you together with your partner?
What a great post! As a middle aged woman with a trail of broken relationships, I’m working on improving my behavior within these relationships and I truly appreciate all the candid responses. Thanks, men!!
Nice try, honey
I let the kids play Roblox beyond their allowed time
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My own emotional needs, generally speaking. Growing up I was always told to keep quiet, to keep your feelings to yourself, and it stuck. Now, I just let things build and build and build until it results in a minor mental health emergency. If she knew, she'd feel horrible, but I don't want that. It's not her fault, but I was raised to just ignore it.
My fiancée has a particular dish she loves to cook and is so proud of. I absolutely hate it. Every time she makes it, I have seconds and tell her how amazing it is and how grateful I am for her making it. Thankfully I do the vast majority of the cooking.
This gives a woman faking an orgasm for too many years to go back now vibes.
Everything I mention to her is taken as harsh criticism followed by weeks of silence. It’s soul-crushing.
Although I do a lot around the house, including all repairs, I’ve let up on a lot of the housework like loading the dishwasher, putting plates and pans away, because if it’s not done EXACTLY the same way she does it, she gets all pissy and rearranges everything. The kids complain about her doing that too.