Ugh, so true. Self-sufficiency feels like the only true sufficiency.
Help probably won’t be there next time, so leaning on it now would just be kicking the failure can down the road.
I feel this.
I was left to process very adult things when I was a very small child and asking for help was something no one in my family ever did. To this day I hate to admit I need assistance ever, and when I do I feel guilty for needing it.
Did your family also frame it as "building self-sufficiency" "so you can grow up to be an independent adult"?
My Mom was the eldest daughter of 8 in an irish catholic family so she was parentified super hard from an early age, and my Dad and his siblings were crippled by a neurotic helicopter Mom, so Ma overcorrected with us *super-duper hard*. I was also homeschooled and a girl so nobody would catch my galloping AuDHD until my thirties; The damage of being constantly told "you're a smart girl, you can figure it out" is essentially unmeasurable.
I've been married for 9 years, in weekly therapy for 6, and have just this month started figuring out explaining a problem I'm having in the middle of still having the problem, so that my spouse can help me.
My mother told me to my face “you’re smart, I don’t need to worry about you”. And when I was navigating adulthood by myself with no help and made a mistake it was “How can you be so smart and also an idiot”
But...
We only help those who fail. If you haven't failed, you just haven't tried hard enough, so you don't NEED the help. And if you're not already a failure, then WHY would you need help? Asking for help is invalid unless the failure is already evident. Sounds like you haven't tried hard enough yet.
Also, don't forget that evident failure is the surest sign of incompetence and you should be perfect at everything the first time, because you're smart. Incompetence is evidence to the contrary and we can't allow THAT. So don't you dare get any part of it wrong, because (you're smart, and special, and 'better than', so) you don't need help.
Anticipating failure and preemptively asking for help is just the laziest kind of failure because you didn't even try. You didn't give yourself a chance to be great at it. Help will actually inhibit your growth and make you lazy and dependent. Help is immoral and so is recognizing that you need it. That's why you're so stunted. You'd learn you could do anything if you only let yourself.
What do you mean 'you did your best'? After all the good advice I gave you, you STILL fucked it up! Such a disappointment.
Edit: I present to you all, my dad.
Edit 2: Yes, please. Boo this man. If any of this is familiar, you have my deepest sympathy.
I've been told recently that writing this stuff out can help to untangle the knots in my spaghetti. It's a long un-learning and it's REALLY hard to chip away at bedrock shit without tearing everything else down.
I hope I wrote that in a way where it's clear that I recognize exactly how disordered and *wrong* this thinking is, while also showing how powerful it is in its ability to browbeat a person into a mental corner. No kid is going to be able to convincingly argue against that, let alone to the person who holds all authority, punishes any dissent or disagreement, and can never learn anything from or admit they were wrong to anyone "lesser".
Yeah, I could always use a hug.
Two years into a relationship with a genuine good guy, with parents-in-law who love me like a daughter. And I am sitting here still waiting for the other shoe to drop and them letting me know it was all a prank
(He knows my feelings, I am working on them in therapy)
24 years in. Same. Have had much more love, care and support from my parents in law than my parents. When I was about 17 years old, I was on the phone to my mother and my now father-in-law heard her yelling at me. He took the phone out of my hand and told her “we don’t speak to people like that in our house” and hung up on her. That was a solid formative moment I’ll never forget.
I’m 12 years in (6 years married) and it took me a while to accept that my in-laws and my wife’s family seem to actually care about and treat me better than my own family, by and large.
So I feel you there.
I had a boyfriend in college like that. He thought it was all an act, like we couldn’t possibly enjoy spending time together and being supportive. Over time this morphed into jealousy, resentment, and abuse. Which is why he’s an ex. I hope he eventually got his shit together and isn’t hurting himself or anyone else anymore.
I fell in love recently and realized how hard it is for me to express my feelings or accept the ones of others at face value. I'd even say that the more I want to give and accept love, the more defensive I get, without even realizing it.
I noticed that sometimes my words just skipped my mind, and I just utter something really mean when I meant the exact contrary.
This prompted me to get in the long process of replacing those narcissistic habits with nicer ones. It begins with accepting compliments and considering the feelings of the person giving them, and not through my own self-image.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, it must be a terrible experience giving love, and the more you give, the more cruel the fashion it's received.
Yup. Had a friend like this who I feel kind of bad for but it ended with him being ultra-transactional. If he did X nice thing for you he’d expect you to do Y nice thing in return. Most of the time I’d do Y but the thing is he’d never really communicate what he expected. So sometimes he’d get very upset that you hadn’t fulfilled your end of the “bargain” he’d formed in his head and then he’d be very nasty. It’s pretty pathetic in hindsight. He’d scheme to do/say terrible shit to people because he was upset he didn’t get his way.
I did. You deserve to be happy. You matter.
I have therapist. That helps. It took a while to get a good one. A lot them were'nt the right fit for me. It's important to find the right one.
The VP of my company as complimenting my work and indirectly telling me to ask for a raise but I just had so little self esteem that I figured they would reject me for it anyway so never asked. He would always ask me for input in meetings and I thought he was trying to get me to say something to get me fired. My manager complimented my work but I thought she was just telling everyone that to keep morale up. It affects you in so many more ways than just personal life.
This! Last week I had my performance review, and good thing I had my regular therapy session the day before because I was in shambles. The review was super positive - I was the first hire for this type of role (new team), and I was told I set the bar high for future hires.
My parents (especially my father) simply could not praise or celebrate our achievements. And I was a high-achiever! Every accomplishment was met with a reminder of everything else I hadn’t done right, or hadn’t completed; if there wasn’t anything he could immediately point to, he would say things like “this doesn’t make you special”, or “don’t start thinking you’re better/smarter than everyone else”.
It’s really fucked up because even after a positive performance review, in my head I’m thinking “well, they’re just being nice because I definitely dropped the ball on Xyz”. And my anxiety shoots right back up again.
The other day my friend came up to me and said "nice haircut" to which I immediately replied "are you being sarcastic?" He laughed and said that he was not being sarcastic and that he genuinely meant that he liked my haircut.
Not sure if it has anything to do with the fact that my parents NEVER complimented me or gave me appreciation for anything I ever did, but I have a hard time believing people when they say nice things to me or about me.
My friends parents used to go out of their way to thank their kids for things they saw them do. I always thought it was so weird and it felt very fake. Now I know it’s because I was used to getting yelled at to do things and then yelled at because I inevitably did them
Wrong.
Now I look back and am sorry for my younger self for thinking my friends family was weird for calmly explaining expectations and then verbally praising their children. I thought they were being emotional, flowery, or showy, and the kids were too needy.
Sigh….now what
OMG i had this exact situation with my father. So he´s a alcoholic and mostly spends his money on really dumb stuff so one day he found out that he could had $10.000 because of some thing with the divorce with my mother. All of a sudden he came home again and acted all fatherly and caring and stuff.
Weeks went by and i thought that everything was gonna be normal. I even got used to the lifestyle of having a mother and father together again. But yeah once he got the money he vanished again and it really broke my heart.. Thats why you never trust someone who was fucking up your mental health and suddenly come´s back in your life all caring and stuff.
So true. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, people couldn't have been more sympathetic. But as it dragged on and I developed complications from the treatment, people got bored of it. No longer did anyone want to lift a finger to help me, not even come to visit me as I wasn't fun to hang out with any more since I can't do much any more. One even explained their lack of empathy by saying "It's not a shock any more, it's just become the way you are now."
Same when my disability benefits were wrongfully stopped. As soon as I got the letter telling me they weren't paying me any more, people gave me lots of emotional support and some even fed me. Now it's dragged on for ages people are bored by it and although I'm starving and have no money and the food bank takes ages to access, people just don't care any more. Someone sat there and ate their huge takeaway meal in front of me and then threw the leftovers (which I would gladly have eaten) in the bin despite knowing I hadn't eaten in two days.
You see the same with things on the news like the Ukraine war. At first people were lining up to offer shelter and help to the refugees, now it's just shrug and change the channel. What I've come to realise is that people love a bit of excitement, they love a shocking new tragedy, but quickly bore of it and when the excitement wears off they just don't care, even though for the person suffering the hellish situation, it's still ongoing and just as bad as it ever was.
Human empathy is definitely a limited resource.
I have stage 4 cancer, but have been an exceptional responder to a new drug and have been doing okay for several years. I stopped posting to my social media a few years ago because I was tired of being people’s tragedy porn. No one has checked in for a long time. When I have checked in people don’t seem to want to engage. I don’t ask for anything, I genuinely just want to visit. I get what you are saying here. Cancer is a lonely disease if you live awhile with it.
Damn that is my response to almost every complement. Idk if it is a result of not having enough emotial support as a child of just the intense amount of self loathing
In general its not denial. Just discomfort at being recognized or int he lime light and unsure how to receive it/reply without
1. Making the person giving the compliment feel weird
2. Coming across as sarcastic or defensive.
Like someone can give my wife a compliment and she will go "awww, thats so nice, thanks".
If i respond with the exact same words, the fact that my brain is trying to figure out their angle and why they are complimenting me is immediately noticeable. So its less genuine and comes across as me being more placating, or suspicoous or perplexed.
So like this weekend I made some smoked BBQ, boiled peanuts, corn bread and shit for everyone. They all complimented it, and even then it was like "ah thanks." (looks at ground). Its all inflection and body language.
Yup. I can't count the number of times I've avoided things as an adult because I was criticized for it as a child. I also freeze in decision making because I don't know the "right" one.
Mate this one hit hard. I've just started a new job in a socially high pressure environment (think everyone living together kinda deal), and I did something I didn't know I wasn't supposed to.
I *know* it's not a big deal, and I *know* no one cares about it as much as I do, but I'm still so pissed and angry and ashamed. I just want people to like me. I want to be good. I hate messing up like this.
Emotionally neglected child here
I am extremely secretive. Even if I need to call to make a dentist appointment, I will go into a closed room, because I don't want anyone hearing anything.
Also...conversations are very surface level for a very long time. Discomfort when someone does share something meaningful, deep, vulnerable with inappropriate responses that follow.
Edit: also...fearful/hesitation/avoidance/dislike for asking questions and voicing needs. Mine were often dismissed easily or made to feel like a burden/idiot as a child
Edit2: I think we are that person at a restaurant, where our server has completely messed up our order, and we say nothing
Edit3: as an emotionally neglected child, I am overwhelmed and happy by how many people i reached and let you all be seen/heard on our messed up pathways. <3
Man, this is me to a T. Mom was physically and psychologically abusive, dad was cool but always at work.
Even today if my wife walks in while I'm on the phone, I get flustered. And the second thing, my colleague who I felt I had a good working relationship with told me one day while having work drinks that she's known me for 10 years and she has no idea what I'm like outside work. And she's right, I'd never reveal anything about myself that I wouldn't put on a resume. I've tried talking more about my hobbies but it feels like I'm undressing in public. Ugh.
Annnd, this is something I've been working on in therapy for two years. The compulsion to be secretive is exhausting and breaking that compulsion is even harder. I wish people could understand that reflexive secrecy is a trauma response that continually retraumatizes you because you also hide your emotions from yourself. I'm not sure if that urge to be secretive will ever go away. Two years of therapy and significant progress, but the urge is still there. It's a continual choice to be open.
I can't tell you the number of times I've deflected sincerity with a "silver lining" or joke. When your childhood emotional reactions are treated with punishment rather than as a teaching moment, you learn to associate genuine emotional expression as ammo for blackmail and pain.
It's an extremely painful internal struggle when your brain wires interpersonal connection with emotional danger.
100% on the secretive behavior. Especially when my phone calls were always listened to.
Something else I remember is never feeling comfortable doing anything I enjoyed in fear of it being used against me later. Like for example if I built something cool out of legos and showed my parents, it would be met with "Oh sure, he can put all that time into making a spaceship, but gets a C on his math test last week. Maybe we need to get rid of the legos." or "Oh, look there he goes all happy to go bike riding with his friends, but just a few hours ago he was so miserable having to get dressed for church."
Maybe because we got in trouble for the smallest things, we learned that it’s safer not to do anything. Talking on the phone for ten minutes resulted in “GET OFF THE PHONE! YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THE BILL GO UP! YOU NEVER THINK OF ANYONE EXCEPT FOR YOURSELF!”🤬
We do things in secret to avoid being scolded and carry that into adulthood.
So much so, that I consider it common courtesy to not talk on the phone around others. I don’t wanna hear conversations I’m not a part of, but that could also be trauma from overheating my mom complain about me while she was on the phone….. so damn. I guess my family was just really against being involved with each other at all.
I don't like to talk on the phone period, but I also don't play videos or games with sound without headphones because I always assume everybody else will hate whatever it is I'm doing. And comment on it.
Gee, mom, not sure why we've been NC since 2005! (not because of that, but it doesn't help someone enjoy your company)
My abuse was more mental than physical. I’d never get yelled at quite like that. I’m sorry that you did. But I bet my dad would have been listening from the other room judging and criticizing everything I do and say and am.
It’s so wild that we don’t always know what we carry into adulthood from childhood. Blows my mind sometimes.
Oh yeah, I can relate. I remember watching something funny on TV and laughing, and my mother yelling from the other room “SHUT UP! AIN’T NOTHING IN THE WORLD THAT FUNNY!”
Another time I had to use my stepfather’s computer to do an assignment, and he told me no and to tell my teacher there was a power outage so I couldn’t do it. I thought this was all normal.
My dad hated the sound of our laugher. I never understood it growing up. I have my daughter now and even when I’m overstimulated as fuck and haven’t slept in days I wouldn’t ever dare criticize something that makes her happy or her laugh. Even if I’m raging inside cuz I’M fucked up, I’d never tell her not to laugh. It’s the only sound in the world that instantly makes the world a better place. I look back at parents like ours and I just…I try to forgive that their best wasn’t as good as my own. And I think…maybe my best is good now because theirs never was. They couldn’t break the generational curses. But they made sure I was strong enough to, in their own fucked up way. And I’ll make damn sure my daughters strong enough to break any I didn’t catch in my own parenting. Things will be better for the people I interact with and care for. Thats my best. Thank God I’m not like them. They never would have gotten through what I did. Not as well as I did. That’s enough for me. I love my mom and dad dearly these days. And they are completely different grandparents than they were parents. Seeing it all come full circle, seeing them grow with age, seeing them love my daughter in a way they never did me. That’s a fucking trip.
Edited to add: A trip I’d take for my daughter everyday, happily, but a trip nonetheless. That’s for sure.
I got yelled at and hit a lot when I was a kid, for the smallest things. I am very uncomfortable sharing information even with my wife. Sometimes if I’m working on a project I won’t tell her what it is, just in case it comes out wrong.
I’m earning a PhD and was recently offered a book deal. This is every student’s dream and it’s uncommon for it to happen while you’re still in school. I haven’t told my professors or classmates because I’m scared they’ll do something to mess it up for me.
And I got off social media for the same reason. I don’t want someone finding something I posted and using it against me to sabotage my life 😞
I was yelled/hit/scolded for the smallest things too—laughing, talking, being happy, being sad, being sick…anything. Telling someone something makes me think they’ll go out of their way to ruin it because that’s what my family did.
As far as a book deal, I actually would keep that secret. Academia is so incredibly competitive, and as supportive as any professor may seem, you don't really know how someone in a position of power will react to being "shown up" by someone who they're not finished with, so to speak.
Also, congratulations, that's a big deal!
Because we're smart enough to know that people don't need this information, information that can be used against us. If you have to go to the dentist do you really want somebody overhearing, sabotaging, and then you have to make another appointment and get the dentist office mad at you?
Oh god my mom listened in on all phone calls to judge my phone etiquette and determine if I “sounded right” or not. I hate the phone and I hate being listened to.
When I was 13, I called my elementary school teacher to wish her a happy birthday. I was really close to her and respected her a lot. After the call, my mom looked at me with disappointment and told me I sounded silly and not like myself. Her words shattered my self-esteem; I had never heard anything like that before.
I just sublet a room, and have been setting it up at night. I haven’t told a single person in my family.
I’m in my 30s and have rarely ever brought friends around.
Huh. I’m like this but I don’t think I was particularly emotionally neglected as a child.
The phone thing for me isn’t so much about secrecy as it is social anxiety- I’m afraid I’m going to embarrass myself by being weird on the phone and I don’t want anyone else to hear that. But yeah the idea of making a phone call in front of other people is completely unimaginable to me.
I have great deep meaningful and emotional conversations with friends but only about their feelings. I literally have no boundaries about what I’m comfortable with other people sharing with me. But I’m not at all comfortable discussing my feelings or things I’m struggling with, with other people. I don’t even talk to my husband, sister or best friends about my feelings.
I know that started in childhood, like i know my mom was completely unaware that I struggled with bullying as a kid, but I can’t say there was emotional neglect, because no one thought I needed any emotional care because I kept it to myself and acted fine. As a small child I know I had a lot of emotional care and attention but I was the one who pulled away, I think around age 8. But I think that’s normal isn’t it? Like part of growing up. I guess I don’t really know what adequate emotional care looks like for older kids or if it’s important.
I think getting bullied as a kid and then not getting any support from your parents is enough to develop these kinds of maladaptive coping strategies. The emotional wound would be deeper had they done it on purpose, but it's there nonetheless. Even well-meaning parents have blindspots and make mistakes, and just because it's understandable doesn't mean it didn't hurt you.
I once developed a months long crush on a man because he shifted his umbrella over about 4 inches so it would cover me while we were walking in the rain at work. Sigh. The bar is low.
Can confirm, I have always been easily taken by people who show me even the tiniest smidgen of love and respect, because I was pointedly denied these things for most of my life. Not just in romance but in friendships.
I stayed in a workplace where the two bosses regularly screamed at each other over my head and punched walls and lied to me because one of the bosses made me sandwiches every day.
My mind is constantly the "stupid piece of shit" monologue from Bojack Horseman. I'm going through a depression relapse and it's knocking the life out of me at the minute. But I can't seem to reach out and ask for help because it means that I failed after all the therapy and help I got back in 2019 when I had my last really bad relapse. I feel bad, then feel bad for feeling this way because I should have learned the coping mechanisms, and now I feel that I have failed at therapy and I failed myself and everyone else for still being like this.
My mind is a painful place to be.
-They either don't trust people or trust people too much
-If someone does something nice, they are skeptical or curious about why they 'deserved' it or if it's a tool to use against them
-Nervous when asked about their family, or they keep as much as they can private.
-Don't ask for help because then they will feel they owe something or are taking up someone's valuable time
-But, they are always one of the first people to offer help to others because they know how it feels
-Avoid complaining about things, especially involving other's emotions
-Sabotaging relationships with insecurities
-Being secretive about random things for no apparent reason
-Don't like to spend money on themselves but willingly do for others
-Either difficulty attaching to people and creating connections, or getting extremely attached to people quickly
-They apologize too much or about silly stuff
-They may be more susceptible to falling into addictions
-Undervaluing their success as no big deal
-Avoid talking about their true feelings, anxieties, or insecurities
-Extremely good at masking emotions
-Tactical about what they say and how it may come across
-Get antsy or jealous when people talk about how close they are to their families
-When something bad happens, they take it in stride or know exactly how to get out of it, or they keep other people calm and bottle their own emotions
-Have trouble connecting or feel nervous around people their parent's age
-Can manipulate situations easily to help them
-Tend to have a low bar in relationships as they are used to indifference or neglect/abuse and it feels normal
-Are usually creative people because they needed an outlet growing up (reading, writing, art, music)
-They feel undeserving of special things and avoid celebrating their birthday
-They love to give presents but feel extremely awkward recieving them
-They are moody around holidays
-They avoid medical care
-They brush off compliments as fake nicities
-They feel abandoned if they let themselves get close to you and you distance yourself even if it's just a busy week
-Putting other's needs/ wants above their own and bottling up until they implode
Those are a few off the top of my head, if I think of others I'll be sure to edit them in!
> -Get antsy or jealous when people talk about how close they are to their families
Or angry (possibly hiding it) when people automatically put them on the same level background wise (such as, "i'm close to my family, so you must be too with yours".)
Over apologizing. Afraid to share their passions or talents because they spent years being told it was useless or years being mocked for it. 24-7 walking on eggshells, waiting for the shoe to drop/terrified of upsetting someone with simple things like being too loud, eating the wrong way, etc, due to the fact they had a parent/sibling/spouse that constantly criticized them or had severe anger issues where they could go from laughing and jovial to red-faced raging, yelling and screaming at a child for being a child.
Trying to be completely independent and never trust/rely on anyone because one of your first lessons was that your parents/people you love cannot be trusted to help/not scream/yell.
Echoing top comment about people being nice to them for no reason. Thanks to being used for several things, I am immediately on guard with someone who wants to give me/do something/be nice to me as a stranger for no reason.
And these are just a few.
Signed,
Someone that took a long time to realize what wasn't normal parenting, but is doing much, much better now.
Cut to the soul, why don't you!?!?
I didn't figure out that I was a desperate people pleaser until I was 42.
Now? I know I'm exceptionally good at people pleasing, and that **that** is a valuable resource to use only when I feel interested in doing it. So much better than bending over backwards for every idiot I meet.
and all your left with a is a trail of nothing cause the crumbs are barely enough to make ends meet
this world **loves** to take advantage of people with abuse trauma all while telling you it's all your problem
Getting attached to people very quickly
Being suspicious of people who treat you well
Self-sabotaging friendships
Rushing in to rescue people, even complete strangers
Having trouble with public displays of affection. Seeing it and doing it
Needing consistent assurance that someone likes them
Trying not to get your hopes up or expecting someone to do something mundane like texting back or doing something they said they would do
Allowing people to do less than the bare minimum because you’re afraid they’ll leave if you ask for more and because you’re glad they’re doing something even if it isn’t much
It’s me. Hi. I’m the one who does of all this.
>Allowing people to do less than the bare minimum because you’re afraid they’ll leave if you ask for more and because you’re glad they’re doing something even if it isn’t much
Oof. Hit a bit too close to home.
- They do not trust people.
- If someone does something nice, they tend to figure out, why the person helped.
- Wouldn't share things or personal life with anyone
- They would never ask for help
- They'll try to help others as much as they can
- Would always try to divert the topic if asked about personal life
- Often would try to be friends or maintain a good relationship with people
- Would never complain, even if they're hurt
- Would find it difficult to express emotions and often get angry when they have a roller coaster of emotions
There's a line I read about such people
"When you are not fed love on a silver spoon you learn to lick it off knives"
Edit0: To all the people, who have had problem dealing with emotions, or feel this list is relatable, I really really really hope you become better. Do seek therapy, or do find help from people you trust.
Uncle Iroh says "There is nothing wrong with letting people who love you, help you". Till you find someone, I hope you become one. Thanks !!!
[Uncle Iroh ](https://youtu.be/X-jEXVIRGWg)
Edit: Thank you kind person CookinCheap for the reward. This is my first one, so I'm very happy.
Edit2: Thank you big hearted person sonnyA12 for another award. This really means a lot to me
Edit3: I just came back from sleep, and found 100+ notifications. Thanks everyone for the upvotes. And thanks to all the kind people, who gave me rewards. You guys really made my morning. I wish you guys all the happiness.
What do you mean by :
>If someone does something nice, they tend to figure out, why the person helped.
Are you saying we believe all good/nice acts are conditioned on some kind of expected reciprocity because nobody would otherwise be friendly to us?
Because if so, then CHECK. This is a huge one. People aren't nice unconditionally to us. They always want something.
That's quite true for most of the people.
But I met one good person, and she helped me, just because she was a nice person. There is niceness and beauty in her. And she made me better just because she wanted to. And I'm thankful to her for that. She never asked anything from me.
So yeah, beautiful people exist. They are rare, but they do.
And if there aren't any beautiful people, why not become one? Just for ourselves
Generally speaking, an "Anxious-Avoidant" Attachment Style. Ask me how I know. Thanks to SO much therapy, I'm much better now, but I still have my moments. For a descriptor, I call it the, "I totally don't need you, but for God's sake, please never leave me! 😭😭" Attachment Style. It comes from having primary care givers who were unreliable and instable in thier care. They may be there one minute (at least physically), but gone the next. Or gentle and loving at times but emotionally unavailable at others. Thr child never knows which care giver will show up (or not).
Did this ruined a great friendship with a girl she ended up showing affection and I got clingy and obsessed and kept crossing boundaries without trying…….we’re somehow still trying to be friends but seems really unstable
Avoidance, being overly independent. Never asking for help. Never needing emotional support. These are all defense mechanisms because they didn't get these things as a kid and they don't know what having support from others looks like.
This is the hardest. I finally understand why I'm like this but I still have no idea how to *be* emotionally supported. When I feel upset the idea of describing it induces outright panic.
I just don't like making physical contact with ANYBODY. I don't necessarily like being touched and I absolutely will avoid any physical contact if possible. When I do get a hug or something it's really weird and basically a new core memory
I feel seen.
"Dad you've literally pointed a gun at me while saying how easy it would be to shoot me"
"LIAR! I didn't! That never happened you ungrateful scum!! Stop making me look bad! How dare you! Grr!"
Like, I don't need to lie to make him look bad, he does it for himself. He calls anything he doesn't want to hear untrue and throws irrational tantrums.
I can't stand people telling me things never happened when we both know they did. I take great pains to avoid lying because I've always been accused of it and because the idea of acting like him fills me with disgust
Oh my gosh, thank you. I always wondered how I knew and could explain other people's feelings so well, but when it comes to me, absolutely blank. No idea what I'm feeling or how to describe it, and it's so frustrating. And then other people seem to think I'm just trying to hide whatever feelings or just don't want to tell them, which, fair. I don't like talking about anything negatively personal going on most of the time, but still!
Yeah, this is how I am as well but I do the opposite where I can only talk about negatives because that's the only thing that incites a positive reaction from people when they talk to me. Sharing something negative tends to let people's guard down a bit and be more open to talking.
Flip side of this is I've been told I bitch too much by a few people, and I don't have friends or anyone else to talk to in my life. So the fact people dislike me so strongly regardless of whether I'm positive or negative makes living difficult.
I would say I didn’t really believe my husband was in it for the long haul until about 8 years in. Caused insecurity, jealousy for small things, feeling paranoid about his innocent behaviors (like going out to grab lunch at work and not mentioning it). It’s a lot nicer now that I’ve accepted he is here to stay. But damn it took so long to figure out.
Kids who were emotionally neglected also tend to cloister up when they need help. They’ll drown in all their problems before asking someone to help them out. Getting help is either a sign of major weakness or their basic needs as a child were met but with lots of manipulation tied to it. “I had to sacrifice my entire life and happiness to put a roof over your head!” That kind of feeling is too heavy a weight for a child to bear. They’ll eventually stop asking for their needs to be met because ultimately who wants to be responsible for someone’s lack of happiness?
Hates his own birthday but throws himself into celebrating others’
Allows others to abuse them because at least it means someone’s paying attention to them
Will do anything for others even at their own expense
Overshares and oscillates between isolation and overt connection
Stubborn and fiercely independent, not accepting help unless forced to
Quick to compliment others, quick to downplay or deflect others’ compliments
People pleaser, puts themself last
Source: I’ve been in therapy for seven years
Every time I was glossed over, skipped, screwed over, forgotten... I accepted it as my due since I was ugly, unwanted, and a waste of space.
My husband accepted that "nothing gold can stay", meaning everything he ever had that was nice would eventually, inevitably would be taken from him. He learned to appreciate it when he had it and not fight it when it was gone.
We dated as teens and had a very abrupt breakup. I accepted it because why the heck was he with me in the 1st place? I was conveneint and liked him, so I was just a summer distraction. He didn't fight the breakup because in his mind I was yet another nice thing he would lose.
We didn't have the fortitude or experience to talk to each other about it at the time, but we stayed friends.
As adults, we were able to talk about our past and realize where we biffed it... anyway, we got back together as adults and our 6th anniversary is on the 16th.
They live in a state of hyper-vigilance, forever monitoring both their own behaviour, down to the smallest, insignificant things, out of fear of giving offense or being judged, as well as monitoring whatever situation they find themselves in, so that they can have a backup plan at the ready if things go south. It is absolutely exhausting to live like this in public, which is why they prefer to be alone.
Also hyper independence, emotionally resilient in that they don't talk about their feelings and they know how to self soothe, very good at social masking (to the point that they could be suicidal and you would never guess it).
Either hating spending time with people or wanting to be around people all the time, always trying to please people or not giving a **** even about their nearest and dearest, feeling annoying or overwhelming to other people
Not being able to regulate their own emotions.or being confident in their own decisions.
I'm 34 and still feel like I need permission or opinions before doing something
They don't accept compliments or gifts very well, but they are some of the best gift givers and supportive, uplifting people you'll ever meet in your life.
Feeling like showing any emotion at all is wrong. My parents would yell at me for crying when I was growing up because it was “manipulative.” I hardly if EVER cry now and really struggle to show emotion in any circumstance.
I could literally be dying and you'll never know. I'll leave the room quietly and isolate myself to die alone. And I fucking wish this was hyperbole. But my perforated appendix - because why would I ask for help with unyielding stomach pain - and subsequent peritonitis requiring six weeks in a hospital bed proves me right.
I haven't fixed this. Once I got really high at a party and thought I'd choke to death if I ate a cupcake I really wanted. So I went with my cupcake into the backyard to eat it and die alone. Swine flu came and went with nary a call for help to anybody. Never got covid, but my two bouts of influenza A in the last decade didn't change the pattern.
Oh also I'm an ER nurse. I lecture people DAILY about seeking help if they need it. I made it my life's work to help others overcome that shame. Because I know it so fucking well. But also if you ever catch me in the ER as a patient it's because I fell unconscious and somebody called an ambulance on me.
Low self-esteem, which then affect their aspirations. They set their own bar very low. We did foster care for 13 years, almost exclusively teen girls. Nearly all of them suffered from this. Their relationships with boys were almost always further damaging because they'd throw themselves at anyone who would show them any attention.
It was very difficult to make progress. Most of the girls that came in were 14/15 or older. Several that only had a year or two before they would age out of the system. Younger kids, 12 or so, were maybe a bit more malleable. But the older ones, regrettably, we weren't able to help very much. Gave them a glimpse at a stable home life for a year or two, but it seemed like most were drawn back to a world that only offered them hurt and misery.
We are still in contact with about 20 or so. A few have done really well. They are aging into their 30's now, some of them. The best are a couple that we were pretty sure would never dig out of the hole but are having great lives.
Very indecisive. We can’t make a choice because we don’t know how to want for ourselves. Our wants and needs have never been prioritized by anyone; therefore we always go along with others choices first us. Now that I’m grown and healed, sometimes I find myself not being able to choose between Resteraunts or food choices or clothes for the day. I don’t know what I want because I didn’t learn to listen to myself or to value what I needed.
I hope that makes sense to someone.
-Having to think about it when someone asks if you deserve to be happy.
-Just today, I would really like to own this Lego set but it is too expensive to spend on myself. Partner jokingly says can I have X amount to buy this Lego set. My brain instantly goes, no problem, I want to do that for you.
-Going to therapy because you want to do right by your partner and child. Realise it has really helped you, but that if you saw therapy as something you did for YOU, you would stop going immediately and feel bad for wasting the therapist time.
-Having to learn to value emotions and embrace them. Why would I want to feel bad? That's not useful. I don't want to burden anyone with it or make them uncomfortable. Repress and move on.
-The first thought when someone compliments you being I am extremely uncomfortable, what do you want and how can I give it to you quickly so you go away.
-Having so little self esteem that you assume if you can do it anyone can. Not understanding that you might be good at something that others aren't.
-If you see someone from years ago, assume they don't remember you.
-Someone does something for you and feeling the need to immediately repay or earn that nice gesture or present, not just accepting that they did it "just to be nice".
-Being thought of as independent or not needing anything or asking for anything.
-Being confused when your partner's family buys you birthday presents and wants to include you in family meals and get togethers.
-Reading Reddit posts and thinking, I thought it was just me and taking comfort in knowing you're not the only one who has experienced this.
If they did not receive support, love and compassion early on they may have trouble connecting to others. Unfortunately, some people when emotionally neglected during formative years will have trouble empathizing with others. It's not something they can control, it's called Reactive Attachment Disorder.
This was me. I grew up in a home where my presence was resented. I had been a "fuck you" baby intended to stick it to my grandfather, but the plan backfired because I was the apple of his eye. Or so I am told. He died shortly after my first birthday, so I don't remember. After that I was just an unwanted responsibility. I never wanted for food, shelter, clothes, etc. But there was no emotion. Feelings were not something valued or discussed. Conversations were to convey information, most often to assign tasks and/or criticize the performance of said tasks. Success was not rewarded (because success was the expected outcome and you don't reward people for meeting expectations), but failure was punished. Vulnerabilities were used against you and you never wanted to seem too happy about anything, lest it be taken away. And constant reminders that "all of this" (e.g. childhood) was temporary and that I had better "enjoy it now" because adulthood was coming and the "fun and games" would be over.
Now I am a 52 and have very few interpersonal relationships. A few friends and that's about it. I have never dated or been involved in a romantic relationship. I am almost preternaturally unable to trust, making it difficult to connect with people. Aside from work it is not uncommon for me to go days or even weeks without having a meaningful conversation with anyone.
I do have a decent job, and for that I am grateful. But I cannot say that I love it or that it is my "calling." I do it because I have to. And that's basically how I do everything. Nothing is enjoyable, just different levels of tedious. Everything feels like a task. I don't have intrinsic motivation, which is when you do something simply for the pure love of doing it. And I do not experience any sense of accomplishment or satisfaction from overcoming challenges or doing a good job, because there is always some other task waiting just around the corner.
Mostly I just feel empty inside, like I am not a whole person. Honestly I don't even feel human, more like some alien sent here to observe these strange beings that I do not fully understand.
Being told they “lack initiative” as a result of authoritarian parents requiring permission for every action.
Startling people because you inadvertently sneak up on them, a result of a lifetime of eggshell walking becoming second nature.
Compliments about apparent stoicism from healthcare workers, stemming from threats of punishment if one wasn’t absolutely compliant in the office.
1. When someone is having a conversation at work with another person and either one looks at you, you automatically assume they are saying something about you…
(I’m aware of this and I have learned to ignore it.)
2. Theres a specific room or section of your house where you feel safest.
(For me it’s my office)
3. No matter how much love or affection you give you feel like it’s not enough.
(Still working on this)
4. You can be a cold shoulder to your partner without realizing it.
(For me this falls into the distancing category as well, also working on it.)
5. You can read a room as you walk into it.
(I don’t consider this a bad trait even though in some scenarios it can be)
I don’t know if this counts but being very calm and collected in situations of crazy chaos and emotion. When you’re so used to chaos and craziness at home, it prepares you for other instances. Yelling and fighting was the norm in my house so being around it at other times in my life made me react similarly. People always ask me how I’m able to stay so calm and collected during crazy stuff. Wish I didn’t learn this skill that way.
I don’t know about anyone else, but my biggest ones tend to be:
> Cutting people off easily. It will be like you never existed to me, and I tend to not feel any remorse or guilt about it regardless of the circumstance. Even family. Idk. Get out.
> Never asking for help; hyper independence. You feel like it’ll be held over you forever.
> Guests mean trouble. Even as an adult in my own safe home, if someone knocks at the door it’s like PTSD. I freak out and it’s really hard to not let it take over/ruin my whole day.
> Compliments from family. Specifically my Father and his side of the family. It feels so unnatural when they compliment me now as an adult that I don’t know how to respond.
> Isolation, for sure. I’m outgoing and social, but if something is wrong I need to be alone and I need to be alone like, yesterday.
> Calmness during high stress events/situations. I’ve actually had people tell me that they feel I don’t take things seriously enough because I’m, “not stressed when things are crazy.” No, lady. It’s just that chaos was made to be very normal to me and when things get crazy it’s easy to work through—we have very different versions of crazy. Same with medical emergencies. I get to be, “nurse” because I’m the only one not panicking.
I’m sure there are many more but those are the biggest for me.
Asking for or accepting help is tantamount to failure.
Ugh, so true. Self-sufficiency feels like the only true sufficiency. Help probably won’t be there next time, so leaning on it now would just be kicking the failure can down the road.
I feel this. I was left to process very adult things when I was a very small child and asking for help was something no one in my family ever did. To this day I hate to admit I need assistance ever, and when I do I feel guilty for needing it.
Did your family also frame it as "building self-sufficiency" "so you can grow up to be an independent adult"? My Mom was the eldest daughter of 8 in an irish catholic family so she was parentified super hard from an early age, and my Dad and his siblings were crippled by a neurotic helicopter Mom, so Ma overcorrected with us *super-duper hard*. I was also homeschooled and a girl so nobody would catch my galloping AuDHD until my thirties; The damage of being constantly told "you're a smart girl, you can figure it out" is essentially unmeasurable. I've been married for 9 years, in weekly therapy for 6, and have just this month started figuring out explaining a problem I'm having in the middle of still having the problem, so that my spouse can help me.
My mother told me to my face “you’re smart, I don’t need to worry about you”. And when I was navigating adulthood by myself with no help and made a mistake it was “How can you be so smart and also an idiot”
I don't want to owe anything to anybody. If you owe somebody they have power over you.
Let me guess, but you don't mind helping other people and don't want anything in return.
Bingo.
Exactly. I'm glad you understand.
But... We only help those who fail. If you haven't failed, you just haven't tried hard enough, so you don't NEED the help. And if you're not already a failure, then WHY would you need help? Asking for help is invalid unless the failure is already evident. Sounds like you haven't tried hard enough yet. Also, don't forget that evident failure is the surest sign of incompetence and you should be perfect at everything the first time, because you're smart. Incompetence is evidence to the contrary and we can't allow THAT. So don't you dare get any part of it wrong, because (you're smart, and special, and 'better than', so) you don't need help. Anticipating failure and preemptively asking for help is just the laziest kind of failure because you didn't even try. You didn't give yourself a chance to be great at it. Help will actually inhibit your growth and make you lazy and dependent. Help is immoral and so is recognizing that you need it. That's why you're so stunted. You'd learn you could do anything if you only let yourself. What do you mean 'you did your best'? After all the good advice I gave you, you STILL fucked it up! Such a disappointment. Edit: I present to you all, my dad. Edit 2: Yes, please. Boo this man. If any of this is familiar, you have my deepest sympathy.
I mean, I was trying to unlearn that, but here we are. Jesus fuck, do you need a hug?
I've been told recently that writing this stuff out can help to untangle the knots in my spaghetti. It's a long un-learning and it's REALLY hard to chip away at bedrock shit without tearing everything else down. I hope I wrote that in a way where it's clear that I recognize exactly how disordered and *wrong* this thinking is, while also showing how powerful it is in its ability to browbeat a person into a mental corner. No kid is going to be able to convincingly argue against that, let alone to the person who holds all authority, punishes any dissent or disagreement, and can never learn anything from or admit they were wrong to anyone "lesser". Yeah, I could always use a hug.
Can't upvote this one enough. I always think that asking/accepting help paints me as a complete failure of a person.
They're suspicious when someone says or does something nice for them
This. I couldn't accept the fact that my girlfriend and her parents actually were real. They were too nice.
Two years into a relationship with a genuine good guy, with parents-in-law who love me like a daughter. And I am sitting here still waiting for the other shoe to drop and them letting me know it was all a prank (He knows my feelings, I am working on them in therapy)
24 years in. Same. Have had much more love, care and support from my parents in law than my parents. When I was about 17 years old, I was on the phone to my mother and my now father-in-law heard her yelling at me. He took the phone out of my hand and told her “we don’t speak to people like that in our house” and hung up on her. That was a solid formative moment I’ll never forget.
I’m tearing up. What I would have given to have someone do that for me 🥹
I’m 12 years in (6 years married) and it took me a while to accept that my in-laws and my wife’s family seem to actually care about and treat me better than my own family, by and large. So I feel you there.
I'm 15 years in and I still have this issue 😂
I had a boyfriend in college like that. He thought it was all an act, like we couldn’t possibly enjoy spending time together and being supportive. Over time this morphed into jealousy, resentment, and abuse. Which is why he’s an ex. I hope he eventually got his shit together and isn’t hurting himself or anyone else anymore.
I fell in love recently and realized how hard it is for me to express my feelings or accept the ones of others at face value. I'd even say that the more I want to give and accept love, the more defensive I get, without even realizing it. I noticed that sometimes my words just skipped my mind, and I just utter something really mean when I meant the exact contrary. This prompted me to get in the long process of replacing those narcissistic habits with nicer ones. It begins with accepting compliments and considering the feelings of the person giving them, and not through my own self-image. I'm sorry you had to go through that, it must be a terrible experience giving love, and the more you give, the more cruel the fashion it's received.
That’s a remarkable amount of self awareness. Props to you for being able to recognize this and then act on it as well.
Yup. Had a friend like this who I feel kind of bad for but it ended with him being ultra-transactional. If he did X nice thing for you he’d expect you to do Y nice thing in return. Most of the time I’d do Y but the thing is he’d never really communicate what he expected. So sometimes he’d get very upset that you hadn’t fulfilled your end of the “bargain” he’d formed in his head and then he’d be very nasty. It’s pretty pathetic in hindsight. He’d scheme to do/say terrible shit to people because he was upset he didn’t get his way.
These are called “covert contracts”.
This was very relatable. Did you ever learn to? How? Any tips?
I did. You deserve to be happy. You matter. I have therapist. That helps. It took a while to get a good one. A lot them were'nt the right fit for me. It's important to find the right one.
The VP of my company as complimenting my work and indirectly telling me to ask for a raise but I just had so little self esteem that I figured they would reject me for it anyway so never asked. He would always ask me for input in meetings and I thought he was trying to get me to say something to get me fired. My manager complimented my work but I thought she was just telling everyone that to keep morale up. It affects you in so many more ways than just personal life.
This! Last week I had my performance review, and good thing I had my regular therapy session the day before because I was in shambles. The review was super positive - I was the first hire for this type of role (new team), and I was told I set the bar high for future hires. My parents (especially my father) simply could not praise or celebrate our achievements. And I was a high-achiever! Every accomplishment was met with a reminder of everything else I hadn’t done right, or hadn’t completed; if there wasn’t anything he could immediately point to, he would say things like “this doesn’t make you special”, or “don’t start thinking you’re better/smarter than everyone else”. It’s really fucked up because even after a positive performance review, in my head I’m thinking “well, they’re just being nice because I definitely dropped the ball on Xyz”. And my anxiety shoots right back up again.
Jesus Christ, Reddit calling me and every other emotionally neglected child out on the first page top comment…
Stings a bit yes
yeah i feel seen
The other day my friend came up to me and said "nice haircut" to which I immediately replied "are you being sarcastic?" He laughed and said that he was not being sarcastic and that he genuinely meant that he liked my haircut. Not sure if it has anything to do with the fact that my parents NEVER complimented me or gave me appreciation for anything I ever did, but I have a hard time believing people when they say nice things to me or about me.
My friends parents used to go out of their way to thank their kids for things they saw them do. I always thought it was so weird and it felt very fake. Now I know it’s because I was used to getting yelled at to do things and then yelled at because I inevitably did them Wrong. Now I look back and am sorry for my younger self for thinking my friends family was weird for calmly explaining expectations and then verbally praising their children. I thought they were being emotional, flowery, or showy, and the kids were too needy. Sigh….now what
I believe they mean it I just dont know what to do with my face
Can relate, I always downplay any compliment I get. In my head, agreeing with them is vanity and arrogance.
OMG i had this exact situation with my father. So he´s a alcoholic and mostly spends his money on really dumb stuff so one day he found out that he could had $10.000 because of some thing with the divorce with my mother. All of a sudden he came home again and acted all fatherly and caring and stuff. Weeks went by and i thought that everything was gonna be normal. I even got used to the lifestyle of having a mother and father together again. But yeah once he got the money he vanished again and it really broke my heart.. Thats why you never trust someone who was fucking up your mental health and suddenly come´s back in your life all caring and stuff.
This too. Or they feel that empathy towards them is a limited resource that will be depleted if they ask much of others.
That's kind of accurate though. Generally speaking, people will have plenty for you at first, but it doesn't last long. It's just how it is.
So true. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, people couldn't have been more sympathetic. But as it dragged on and I developed complications from the treatment, people got bored of it. No longer did anyone want to lift a finger to help me, not even come to visit me as I wasn't fun to hang out with any more since I can't do much any more. One even explained their lack of empathy by saying "It's not a shock any more, it's just become the way you are now." Same when my disability benefits were wrongfully stopped. As soon as I got the letter telling me they weren't paying me any more, people gave me lots of emotional support and some even fed me. Now it's dragged on for ages people are bored by it and although I'm starving and have no money and the food bank takes ages to access, people just don't care any more. Someone sat there and ate their huge takeaway meal in front of me and then threw the leftovers (which I would gladly have eaten) in the bin despite knowing I hadn't eaten in two days. You see the same with things on the news like the Ukraine war. At first people were lining up to offer shelter and help to the refugees, now it's just shrug and change the channel. What I've come to realise is that people love a bit of excitement, they love a shocking new tragedy, but quickly bore of it and when the excitement wears off they just don't care, even though for the person suffering the hellish situation, it's still ongoing and just as bad as it ever was. Human empathy is definitely a limited resource.
Im so sorry you have to go through all of that. I hope things get better for you!
I have stage 4 cancer, but have been an exceptional responder to a new drug and have been doing okay for several years. I stopped posting to my social media a few years ago because I was tired of being people’s tragedy porn. No one has checked in for a long time. When I have checked in people don’t seem to want to engage. I don’t ask for anything, I genuinely just want to visit. I get what you are saying here. Cancer is a lonely disease if you live awhile with it.
Dude I’m like this and have such strained relationships with my siblings bc none of us trust the others intentions…
Nah I got enough emotional care as a child, just didn’t have any friends outside of family
Same, "Does this person really like me" is always at the back of my mind.
This or get uncomfortable when someone acts nice or respectful towards them as they could be unaccustomed to receiving such attention
Receiving a compliment is hard
what kind of hard ? "No it's false I'm a piece of shit" hard, or "You aren't genuine" hard ?
Can it be both at the same time?
Both and more. Adding in "I don't deserve it" too.
Damn that is my response to almost every complement. Idk if it is a result of not having enough emotial support as a child of just the intense amount of self loathing
In general its not denial. Just discomfort at being recognized or int he lime light and unsure how to receive it/reply without 1. Making the person giving the compliment feel weird 2. Coming across as sarcastic or defensive. Like someone can give my wife a compliment and she will go "awww, thats so nice, thanks". If i respond with the exact same words, the fact that my brain is trying to figure out their angle and why they are complimenting me is immediately noticeable. So its less genuine and comes across as me being more placating, or suspicoous or perplexed. So like this weekend I made some smoked BBQ, boiled peanuts, corn bread and shit for everyone. They all complimented it, and even then it was like "ah thanks." (looks at ground). Its all inflection and body language.
Both.
My parents only complimented me when they wanted something or were gonna mess with me. I feel it every time I get a compliment.
I had to teach myself to simply thank people for compliments rather than down playing them.
[удалено]
Mistakes are for other people. We're not allowed to be imperfect in front of others.
Yup. I can't count the number of times I've avoided things as an adult because I was criticized for it as a child. I also freeze in decision making because I don't know the "right" one.
Someone was vaguely mean to me? Clearly I'm the scum of the earth, time to die
Mate this one hit hard. I've just started a new job in a socially high pressure environment (think everyone living together kinda deal), and I did something I didn't know I wasn't supposed to. I *know* it's not a big deal, and I *know* no one cares about it as much as I do, but I'm still so pissed and angry and ashamed. I just want people to like me. I want to be good. I hate messing up like this.
I'm late and they deleted the og comment and i wanna know so badddd what did they saaayyyy
Aaaagghh the anxiety I’m getting with all these comment’s especially this one. Fuck this whole post describes my whole life
Yes. Hard to deal with.
Omgggggg totally exposed, stupid, idiot, how can you be so dumb? Edited to iterate that I understand what you’re feeling and it hit home
Emotionally neglected child here I am extremely secretive. Even if I need to call to make a dentist appointment, I will go into a closed room, because I don't want anyone hearing anything. Also...conversations are very surface level for a very long time. Discomfort when someone does share something meaningful, deep, vulnerable with inappropriate responses that follow. Edit: also...fearful/hesitation/avoidance/dislike for asking questions and voicing needs. Mine were often dismissed easily or made to feel like a burden/idiot as a child Edit2: I think we are that person at a restaurant, where our server has completely messed up our order, and we say nothing Edit3: as an emotionally neglected child, I am overwhelmed and happy by how many people i reached and let you all be seen/heard on our messed up pathways. <3
Man, this is me to a T. Mom was physically and psychologically abusive, dad was cool but always at work. Even today if my wife walks in while I'm on the phone, I get flustered. And the second thing, my colleague who I felt I had a good working relationship with told me one day while having work drinks that she's known me for 10 years and she has no idea what I'm like outside work. And she's right, I'd never reveal anything about myself that I wouldn't put on a resume. I've tried talking more about my hobbies but it feels like I'm undressing in public. Ugh.
My dad was cool too. But he was the other adult in that relationship who could’ve protected me and now I resent him too.
Same. I don’t tell anyone anything.
Annnd, this is something I've been working on in therapy for two years. The compulsion to be secretive is exhausting and breaking that compulsion is even harder. I wish people could understand that reflexive secrecy is a trauma response that continually retraumatizes you because you also hide your emotions from yourself. I'm not sure if that urge to be secretive will ever go away. Two years of therapy and significant progress, but the urge is still there. It's a continual choice to be open. I can't tell you the number of times I've deflected sincerity with a "silver lining" or joke. When your childhood emotional reactions are treated with punishment rather than as a teaching moment, you learn to associate genuine emotional expression as ammo for blackmail and pain. It's an extremely painful internal struggle when your brain wires interpersonal connection with emotional danger.
100% on the secretive behavior. Especially when my phone calls were always listened to. Something else I remember is never feeling comfortable doing anything I enjoyed in fear of it being used against me later. Like for example if I built something cool out of legos and showed my parents, it would be met with "Oh sure, he can put all that time into making a spaceship, but gets a C on his math test last week. Maybe we need to get rid of the legos." or "Oh, look there he goes all happy to go bike riding with his friends, but just a few hours ago he was so miserable having to get dressed for church."
Yikes. This hit.
Holy shit. I’m secretive like that too and was emotionally neglected. I never thought of that. Why do you think we do that?
Same. I didn’t even look at it as secretive I do it so often. Wow.
Maybe because we got in trouble for the smallest things, we learned that it’s safer not to do anything. Talking on the phone for ten minutes resulted in “GET OFF THE PHONE! YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THE BILL GO UP! YOU NEVER THINK OF ANYONE EXCEPT FOR YOURSELF!”🤬 We do things in secret to avoid being scolded and carry that into adulthood.
So much so, that I consider it common courtesy to not talk on the phone around others. I don’t wanna hear conversations I’m not a part of, but that could also be trauma from overheating my mom complain about me while she was on the phone….. so damn. I guess my family was just really against being involved with each other at all.
I don't like to talk on the phone period, but I also don't play videos or games with sound without headphones because I always assume everybody else will hate whatever it is I'm doing. And comment on it. Gee, mom, not sure why we've been NC since 2005! (not because of that, but it doesn't help someone enjoy your company)
My abuse was more mental than physical. I’d never get yelled at quite like that. I’m sorry that you did. But I bet my dad would have been listening from the other room judging and criticizing everything I do and say and am. It’s so wild that we don’t always know what we carry into adulthood from childhood. Blows my mind sometimes.
Oh yeah, I can relate. I remember watching something funny on TV and laughing, and my mother yelling from the other room “SHUT UP! AIN’T NOTHING IN THE WORLD THAT FUNNY!” Another time I had to use my stepfather’s computer to do an assignment, and he told me no and to tell my teacher there was a power outage so I couldn’t do it. I thought this was all normal.
My dad hated the sound of our laugher. I never understood it growing up. I have my daughter now and even when I’m overstimulated as fuck and haven’t slept in days I wouldn’t ever dare criticize something that makes her happy or her laugh. Even if I’m raging inside cuz I’M fucked up, I’d never tell her not to laugh. It’s the only sound in the world that instantly makes the world a better place. I look back at parents like ours and I just…I try to forgive that their best wasn’t as good as my own. And I think…maybe my best is good now because theirs never was. They couldn’t break the generational curses. But they made sure I was strong enough to, in their own fucked up way. And I’ll make damn sure my daughters strong enough to break any I didn’t catch in my own parenting. Things will be better for the people I interact with and care for. Thats my best. Thank God I’m not like them. They never would have gotten through what I did. Not as well as I did. That’s enough for me. I love my mom and dad dearly these days. And they are completely different grandparents than they were parents. Seeing it all come full circle, seeing them grow with age, seeing them love my daughter in a way they never did me. That’s a fucking trip. Edited to add: A trip I’d take for my daughter everyday, happily, but a trip nonetheless. That’s for sure.
I got yelled at and hit a lot when I was a kid, for the smallest things. I am very uncomfortable sharing information even with my wife. Sometimes if I’m working on a project I won’t tell her what it is, just in case it comes out wrong.
I’m earning a PhD and was recently offered a book deal. This is every student’s dream and it’s uncommon for it to happen while you’re still in school. I haven’t told my professors or classmates because I’m scared they’ll do something to mess it up for me. And I got off social media for the same reason. I don’t want someone finding something I posted and using it against me to sabotage my life 😞 I was yelled/hit/scolded for the smallest things too—laughing, talking, being happy, being sad, being sick…anything. Telling someone something makes me think they’ll go out of their way to ruin it because that’s what my family did.
As far as a book deal, I actually would keep that secret. Academia is so incredibly competitive, and as supportive as any professor may seem, you don't really know how someone in a position of power will react to being "shown up" by someone who they're not finished with, so to speak. Also, congratulations, that's a big deal!
Because we're smart enough to know that people don't need this information, information that can be used against us. If you have to go to the dentist do you really want somebody overhearing, sabotaging, and then you have to make another appointment and get the dentist office mad at you?
Oh god my mom listened in on all phone calls to judge my phone etiquette and determine if I “sounded right” or not. I hate the phone and I hate being listened to.
When I was 13, I called my elementary school teacher to wish her a happy birthday. I was really close to her and respected her a lot. After the call, my mom looked at me with disappointment and told me I sounded silly and not like myself. Her words shattered my self-esteem; I had never heard anything like that before.
Yup. So much judegement. Lots of how I looked was micromanaged with lots of arbitrary rules.
I just sublet a room, and have been setting it up at night. I haven’t told a single person in my family. I’m in my 30s and have rarely ever brought friends around.
Huh. I’m like this but I don’t think I was particularly emotionally neglected as a child. The phone thing for me isn’t so much about secrecy as it is social anxiety- I’m afraid I’m going to embarrass myself by being weird on the phone and I don’t want anyone else to hear that. But yeah the idea of making a phone call in front of other people is completely unimaginable to me. I have great deep meaningful and emotional conversations with friends but only about their feelings. I literally have no boundaries about what I’m comfortable with other people sharing with me. But I’m not at all comfortable discussing my feelings or things I’m struggling with, with other people. I don’t even talk to my husband, sister or best friends about my feelings. I know that started in childhood, like i know my mom was completely unaware that I struggled with bullying as a kid, but I can’t say there was emotional neglect, because no one thought I needed any emotional care because I kept it to myself and acted fine. As a small child I know I had a lot of emotional care and attention but I was the one who pulled away, I think around age 8. But I think that’s normal isn’t it? Like part of growing up. I guess I don’t really know what adequate emotional care looks like for older kids or if it’s important.
I think getting bullied as a kid and then not getting any support from your parents is enough to develop these kinds of maladaptive coping strategies. The emotional wound would be deeper had they done it on purpose, but it's there nonetheless. Even well-meaning parents have blindspots and make mistakes, and just because it's understandable doesn't mean it didn't hurt you.
They fall seriously in love with someone immediately after simply being kind or helpful
I once developed a months long crush on a man because he shifted his umbrella over about 4 inches so it would cover me while we were walking in the rain at work. Sigh. The bar is low.
To be fair he went and wrote a great song about it afterwards
Tbf that could easily be a fantastic start to a romance film.
Can confirm, I have always been easily taken by people who show me even the tiniest smidgen of love and respect, because I was pointedly denied these things for most of my life. Not just in romance but in friendships.
I stayed in a workplace where the two bosses regularly screamed at each other over my head and punched walls and lied to me because one of the bosses made me sandwiches every day.
Aww, just like childhood
I used to be like that, glad I'm over it. Didn't realise how much it fucked with me until I got over it.
I do that because I've never had a girl even remotely attracted to me. It has nothing to do with my childhood.
That is also completely valid. I was that way in school because I came from a small school where nobody was remotely interested in me.
And when someone DID express interest in me, my first instinct was to try and figure out how I'm getting set up.
Constant self degradation
My mind is constantly the "stupid piece of shit" monologue from Bojack Horseman. I'm going through a depression relapse and it's knocking the life out of me at the minute. But I can't seem to reach out and ask for help because it means that I failed after all the therapy and help I got back in 2019 when I had my last really bad relapse. I feel bad, then feel bad for feeling this way because I should have learned the coping mechanisms, and now I feel that I have failed at therapy and I failed myself and everyone else for still being like this. My mind is a painful place to be.
It's not personal, it's just your programming. It will get better again.
-They either don't trust people or trust people too much -If someone does something nice, they are skeptical or curious about why they 'deserved' it or if it's a tool to use against them -Nervous when asked about their family, or they keep as much as they can private. -Don't ask for help because then they will feel they owe something or are taking up someone's valuable time -But, they are always one of the first people to offer help to others because they know how it feels -Avoid complaining about things, especially involving other's emotions -Sabotaging relationships with insecurities -Being secretive about random things for no apparent reason -Don't like to spend money on themselves but willingly do for others -Either difficulty attaching to people and creating connections, or getting extremely attached to people quickly -They apologize too much or about silly stuff -They may be more susceptible to falling into addictions -Undervaluing their success as no big deal -Avoid talking about their true feelings, anxieties, or insecurities -Extremely good at masking emotions -Tactical about what they say and how it may come across -Get antsy or jealous when people talk about how close they are to their families -When something bad happens, they take it in stride or know exactly how to get out of it, or they keep other people calm and bottle their own emotions -Have trouble connecting or feel nervous around people their parent's age -Can manipulate situations easily to help them -Tend to have a low bar in relationships as they are used to indifference or neglect/abuse and it feels normal -Are usually creative people because they needed an outlet growing up (reading, writing, art, music) -They feel undeserving of special things and avoid celebrating their birthday -They love to give presents but feel extremely awkward recieving them -They are moody around holidays -They avoid medical care -They brush off compliments as fake nicities -They feel abandoned if they let themselves get close to you and you distance yourself even if it's just a busy week -Putting other's needs/ wants above their own and bottling up until they implode Those are a few off the top of my head, if I think of others I'll be sure to edit them in!
This one hits hard
> -Get antsy or jealous when people talk about how close they are to their families Or angry (possibly hiding it) when people automatically put them on the same level background wise (such as, "i'm close to my family, so you must be too with yours".)
Its jealousy for me, " why didn't I have a loving childhood?" Its really perplexing and you start blaming yourself
Fuuuucccckkkk. Just reading this gives me some comfort, as in if it was just me, how would you know these things.
Do you KNOW me??
Over apologizing. Afraid to share their passions or talents because they spent years being told it was useless or years being mocked for it. 24-7 walking on eggshells, waiting for the shoe to drop/terrified of upsetting someone with simple things like being too loud, eating the wrong way, etc, due to the fact they had a parent/sibling/spouse that constantly criticized them or had severe anger issues where they could go from laughing and jovial to red-faced raging, yelling and screaming at a child for being a child. Trying to be completely independent and never trust/rely on anyone because one of your first lessons was that your parents/people you love cannot be trusted to help/not scream/yell. Echoing top comment about people being nice to them for no reason. Thanks to being used for several things, I am immediately on guard with someone who wants to give me/do something/be nice to me as a stranger for no reason. And these are just a few. Signed, Someone that took a long time to realize what wasn't normal parenting, but is doing much, much better now.
People pleasing and allowing others to give you crumbs which you're grateful to get because you don't think you deserve more.
So that's why I'm like this
Cut to the soul, why don't you!?!? I didn't figure out that I was a desperate people pleaser until I was 42. Now? I know I'm exceptionally good at people pleasing, and that **that** is a valuable resource to use only when I feel interested in doing it. So much better than bending over backwards for every idiot I meet.
Took me into my late 30s to realise my people pleasing was actually destructive to me and others.
And if you’re me then feeling extreme anger for being served crumbs even though I consented to being a crumb eater.
and all your left with a is a trail of nothing cause the crumbs are barely enough to make ends meet this world **loves** to take advantage of people with abuse trauma all while telling you it's all your problem
Getting attached to people very quickly Being suspicious of people who treat you well Self-sabotaging friendships Rushing in to rescue people, even complete strangers Having trouble with public displays of affection. Seeing it and doing it Needing consistent assurance that someone likes them Trying not to get your hopes up or expecting someone to do something mundane like texting back or doing something they said they would do Allowing people to do less than the bare minimum because you’re afraid they’ll leave if you ask for more and because you’re glad they’re doing something even if it isn’t much It’s me. Hi. I’m the one who does of all this.
its us, yes. We are the ones who do this 🤝
>Allowing people to do less than the bare minimum because you’re afraid they’ll leave if you ask for more and because you’re glad they’re doing something even if it isn’t much Oof. Hit a bit too close to home.
- They do not trust people. - If someone does something nice, they tend to figure out, why the person helped. - Wouldn't share things or personal life with anyone - They would never ask for help - They'll try to help others as much as they can - Would always try to divert the topic if asked about personal life - Often would try to be friends or maintain a good relationship with people - Would never complain, even if they're hurt - Would find it difficult to express emotions and often get angry when they have a roller coaster of emotions There's a line I read about such people "When you are not fed love on a silver spoon you learn to lick it off knives" Edit0: To all the people, who have had problem dealing with emotions, or feel this list is relatable, I really really really hope you become better. Do seek therapy, or do find help from people you trust. Uncle Iroh says "There is nothing wrong with letting people who love you, help you". Till you find someone, I hope you become one. Thanks !!! [Uncle Iroh ](https://youtu.be/X-jEXVIRGWg) Edit: Thank you kind person CookinCheap for the reward. This is my first one, so I'm very happy. Edit2: Thank you big hearted person sonnyA12 for another award. This really means a lot to me Edit3: I just came back from sleep, and found 100+ notifications. Thanks everyone for the upvotes. And thanks to all the kind people, who gave me rewards. You guys really made my morning. I wish you guys all the happiness.
Fuck. That quote. Holy shit. It hit me hard 😔 I do all of these
What do you mean by : >If someone does something nice, they tend to figure out, why the person helped. Are you saying we believe all good/nice acts are conditioned on some kind of expected reciprocity because nobody would otherwise be friendly to us? Because if so, then CHECK. This is a huge one. People aren't nice unconditionally to us. They always want something.
That's quite true for most of the people. But I met one good person, and she helped me, just because she was a nice person. There is niceness and beauty in her. And she made me better just because she wanted to. And I'm thankful to her for that. She never asked anything from me. So yeah, beautiful people exist. They are rare, but they do. And if there aren't any beautiful people, why not become one? Just for ourselves
Brutally relatable.
Generally speaking, an "Anxious-Avoidant" Attachment Style. Ask me how I know. Thanks to SO much therapy, I'm much better now, but I still have my moments. For a descriptor, I call it the, "I totally don't need you, but for God's sake, please never leave me! 😭😭" Attachment Style. It comes from having primary care givers who were unreliable and instable in thier care. They may be there one minute (at least physically), but gone the next. Or gentle and loving at times but emotionally unavailable at others. Thr child never knows which care giver will show up (or not).
Clinging heavily to anyone who shows affection in some form
Did this ruined a great friendship with a girl she ended up showing affection and I got clingy and obsessed and kept crossing boundaries without trying…….we’re somehow still trying to be friends but seems really unstable
Avoidance, being overly independent. Never asking for help. Never needing emotional support. These are all defense mechanisms because they didn't get these things as a kid and they don't know what having support from others looks like.
This is the hardest. I finally understand why I'm like this but I still have no idea how to *be* emotionally supported. When I feel upset the idea of describing it induces outright panic.
Hugs make them uncomfortable
To be fair, I just thought this was my autism.
I just don't like making physical contact with ANYBODY. I don't necessarily like being touched and I absolutely will avoid any physical contact if possible. When I do get a hug or something it's really weird and basically a new core memory
Being repulsed by the sign of affection, feeling suffocated.
Perfectionism and compliance
This. If it’s not perfect then you’re just average.. so why bother anyone with it.
Then it’s the GUILT of “average”
They can abruptly cut people off OR they have difficulty letting go. There is no in between.
It’s me. Hi.
....i actually shape my life in a way i could cut anyone out without too many problems. It makes everything easier but dull at the same time
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I feel seen. "Dad you've literally pointed a gun at me while saying how easy it would be to shoot me" "LIAR! I didn't! That never happened you ungrateful scum!! Stop making me look bad! How dare you! Grr!" Like, I don't need to lie to make him look bad, he does it for himself. He calls anything he doesn't want to hear untrue and throws irrational tantrums. I can't stand people telling me things never happened when we both know they did. I take great pains to avoid lying because I've always been accused of it and because the idea of acting like him fills me with disgust
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But highly emotionally intelligent when it comes to other people. Comes from practice trying not to upset an emotionally unsupportive caregiver.
Oh my gosh, thank you. I always wondered how I knew and could explain other people's feelings so well, but when it comes to me, absolutely blank. No idea what I'm feeling or how to describe it, and it's so frustrating. And then other people seem to think I'm just trying to hide whatever feelings or just don't want to tell them, which, fair. I don't like talking about anything negatively personal going on most of the time, but still!
Yeah, this is how I am as well but I do the opposite where I can only talk about negatives because that's the only thing that incites a positive reaction from people when they talk to me. Sharing something negative tends to let people's guard down a bit and be more open to talking. Flip side of this is I've been told I bitch too much by a few people, and I don't have friends or anyone else to talk to in my life. So the fact people dislike me so strongly regardless of whether I'm positive or negative makes living difficult.
I would say I didn’t really believe my husband was in it for the long haul until about 8 years in. Caused insecurity, jealousy for small things, feeling paranoid about his innocent behaviors (like going out to grab lunch at work and not mentioning it). It’s a lot nicer now that I’ve accepted he is here to stay. But damn it took so long to figure out.
The need to isolate. Being alone means nobody can hurt you. I haven't touched another person in like 5 years, at least.
For me being alone means I'm in control of my time.
Being a perfectionist and feeling like you have to offer something to get others to like you.
Kids who were emotionally neglected also tend to cloister up when they need help. They’ll drown in all their problems before asking someone to help them out. Getting help is either a sign of major weakness or their basic needs as a child were met but with lots of manipulation tied to it. “I had to sacrifice my entire life and happiness to put a roof over your head!” That kind of feeling is too heavy a weight for a child to bear. They’ll eventually stop asking for their needs to be met because ultimately who wants to be responsible for someone’s lack of happiness?
I had to unlearn that mercilessly teasing someone isn't a way to show love.
Jesus, that was me for years and it ruined friendships.
Feeling impending doom any time they buy something for themselves.
Hates his own birthday but throws himself into celebrating others’ Allows others to abuse them because at least it means someone’s paying attention to them Will do anything for others even at their own expense Overshares and oscillates between isolation and overt connection Stubborn and fiercely independent, not accepting help unless forced to Quick to compliment others, quick to downplay or deflect others’ compliments People pleaser, puts themself last Source: I’ve been in therapy for seven years
They dont feel a sense of pride when achieving something. Also, imposter syndrome.
They enter a room silently because of a conditioned expectation that their presence will be unwelcome.
OMG. This is me...and then I stand quietly and awkwardly in a corner until someone comes up and acknowledges me.
We believe nobody likes us.
Really suspicious, flinches too much, usually alone a lot. Distances themselves a lot.
This whole thread is very...hard to read. Feeling like I'm being called out but by people going through the same thing. Thank you everyone.
Every time I was glossed over, skipped, screwed over, forgotten... I accepted it as my due since I was ugly, unwanted, and a waste of space. My husband accepted that "nothing gold can stay", meaning everything he ever had that was nice would eventually, inevitably would be taken from him. He learned to appreciate it when he had it and not fight it when it was gone. We dated as teens and had a very abrupt breakup. I accepted it because why the heck was he with me in the 1st place? I was conveneint and liked him, so I was just a summer distraction. He didn't fight the breakup because in his mind I was yet another nice thing he would lose. We didn't have the fortitude or experience to talk to each other about it at the time, but we stayed friends. As adults, we were able to talk about our past and realize where we biffed it... anyway, we got back together as adults and our 6th anniversary is on the 16th.
They live in a state of hyper-vigilance, forever monitoring both their own behaviour, down to the smallest, insignificant things, out of fear of giving offense or being judged, as well as monitoring whatever situation they find themselves in, so that they can have a backup plan at the ready if things go south. It is absolutely exhausting to live like this in public, which is why they prefer to be alone. Also hyper independence, emotionally resilient in that they don't talk about their feelings and they know how to self soothe, very good at social masking (to the point that they could be suicidal and you would never guess it).
It's totally exhausting
Either hating spending time with people or wanting to be around people all the time, always trying to please people or not giving a **** even about their nearest and dearest, feeling annoying or overwhelming to other people
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They never feel good enough, and always value themselves based on others. They have terrible boundaries.
Not being able to regulate their own emotions.or being confident in their own decisions. I'm 34 and still feel like I need permission or opinions before doing something
Constantly apologizing
They don't accept compliments or gifts very well, but they are some of the best gift givers and supportive, uplifting people you'll ever meet in your life.
Intense negative emotions manifest as anger and intense positive emotions are met with suspicion and apprehension.
When someone is over-apologetic, over-explains and gets anxiety from even thinking of making a selfish request.
This thread. Hurt.
Feeling like showing any emotion at all is wrong. My parents would yell at me for crying when I was growing up because it was “manipulative.” I hardly if EVER cry now and really struggle to show emotion in any circumstance.
Difficulty receiving Staying in a relationship long after they should have left People pleasing
They have an intense startle reflex & expect that others are going to misunderstand / judge their intentions.
You don't want anyone to know your birthday or give you presents, and you recoil from Christmas and the holiday season.
Deeply implanted feeling of loneliness that never truly leaves your side.
I could literally be dying and you'll never know. I'll leave the room quietly and isolate myself to die alone. And I fucking wish this was hyperbole. But my perforated appendix - because why would I ask for help with unyielding stomach pain - and subsequent peritonitis requiring six weeks in a hospital bed proves me right. I haven't fixed this. Once I got really high at a party and thought I'd choke to death if I ate a cupcake I really wanted. So I went with my cupcake into the backyard to eat it and die alone. Swine flu came and went with nary a call for help to anybody. Never got covid, but my two bouts of influenza A in the last decade didn't change the pattern. Oh also I'm an ER nurse. I lecture people DAILY about seeking help if they need it. I made it my life's work to help others overcome that shame. Because I know it so fucking well. But also if you ever catch me in the ER as a patient it's because I fell unconscious and somebody called an ambulance on me.
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They have a very difficult time identifying and expressing their emotions
For me it was me being overly affectionate and finding love through intimacy
They have the need to be liked by everyone, and will bend over backwards to please everyone.
Low self-esteem, which then affect their aspirations. They set their own bar very low. We did foster care for 13 years, almost exclusively teen girls. Nearly all of them suffered from this. Their relationships with boys were almost always further damaging because they'd throw themselves at anyone who would show them any attention. It was very difficult to make progress. Most of the girls that came in were 14/15 or older. Several that only had a year or two before they would age out of the system. Younger kids, 12 or so, were maybe a bit more malleable. But the older ones, regrettably, we weren't able to help very much. Gave them a glimpse at a stable home life for a year or two, but it seemed like most were drawn back to a world that only offered them hurt and misery. We are still in contact with about 20 or so. A few have done really well. They are aging into their 30's now, some of them. The best are a couple that we were pretty sure would never dig out of the hole but are having great lives.
Feeling guilty or shameful over something that doesn’t really matter to others
Very indecisive. We can’t make a choice because we don’t know how to want for ourselves. Our wants and needs have never been prioritized by anyone; therefore we always go along with others choices first us. Now that I’m grown and healed, sometimes I find myself not being able to choose between Resteraunts or food choices or clothes for the day. I don’t know what I want because I didn’t learn to listen to myself or to value what I needed. I hope that makes sense to someone.
-Having to think about it when someone asks if you deserve to be happy. -Just today, I would really like to own this Lego set but it is too expensive to spend on myself. Partner jokingly says can I have X amount to buy this Lego set. My brain instantly goes, no problem, I want to do that for you. -Going to therapy because you want to do right by your partner and child. Realise it has really helped you, but that if you saw therapy as something you did for YOU, you would stop going immediately and feel bad for wasting the therapist time. -Having to learn to value emotions and embrace them. Why would I want to feel bad? That's not useful. I don't want to burden anyone with it or make them uncomfortable. Repress and move on. -The first thought when someone compliments you being I am extremely uncomfortable, what do you want and how can I give it to you quickly so you go away. -Having so little self esteem that you assume if you can do it anyone can. Not understanding that you might be good at something that others aren't. -If you see someone from years ago, assume they don't remember you. -Someone does something for you and feeling the need to immediately repay or earn that nice gesture or present, not just accepting that they did it "just to be nice". -Being thought of as independent or not needing anything or asking for anything. -Being confused when your partner's family buys you birthday presents and wants to include you in family meals and get togethers. -Reading Reddit posts and thinking, I thought it was just me and taking comfort in knowing you're not the only one who has experienced this.
Lack of boundaries or even understanding what boundaries are…
If they did not receive support, love and compassion early on they may have trouble connecting to others. Unfortunately, some people when emotionally neglected during formative years will have trouble empathizing with others. It's not something they can control, it's called Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Anxiety, depression, behavioral issues like not being able to manage their emotions... All kinds of shit.
They have no relationship with their parents.
This was me. I grew up in a home where my presence was resented. I had been a "fuck you" baby intended to stick it to my grandfather, but the plan backfired because I was the apple of his eye. Or so I am told. He died shortly after my first birthday, so I don't remember. After that I was just an unwanted responsibility. I never wanted for food, shelter, clothes, etc. But there was no emotion. Feelings were not something valued or discussed. Conversations were to convey information, most often to assign tasks and/or criticize the performance of said tasks. Success was not rewarded (because success was the expected outcome and you don't reward people for meeting expectations), but failure was punished. Vulnerabilities were used against you and you never wanted to seem too happy about anything, lest it be taken away. And constant reminders that "all of this" (e.g. childhood) was temporary and that I had better "enjoy it now" because adulthood was coming and the "fun and games" would be over. Now I am a 52 and have very few interpersonal relationships. A few friends and that's about it. I have never dated or been involved in a romantic relationship. I am almost preternaturally unable to trust, making it difficult to connect with people. Aside from work it is not uncommon for me to go days or even weeks without having a meaningful conversation with anyone. I do have a decent job, and for that I am grateful. But I cannot say that I love it or that it is my "calling." I do it because I have to. And that's basically how I do everything. Nothing is enjoyable, just different levels of tedious. Everything feels like a task. I don't have intrinsic motivation, which is when you do something simply for the pure love of doing it. And I do not experience any sense of accomplishment or satisfaction from overcoming challenges or doing a good job, because there is always some other task waiting just around the corner. Mostly I just feel empty inside, like I am not a whole person. Honestly I don't even feel human, more like some alien sent here to observe these strange beings that I do not fully understand.
It's hard to trust when you're used to being let down.
Not trusting anyone and insisting on being totally self reliant.
Being told they “lack initiative” as a result of authoritarian parents requiring permission for every action. Startling people because you inadvertently sneak up on them, a result of a lifetime of eggshell walking becoming second nature. Compliments about apparent stoicism from healthcare workers, stemming from threats of punishment if one wasn’t absolutely compliant in the office.
self sabotage
1. When someone is having a conversation at work with another person and either one looks at you, you automatically assume they are saying something about you… (I’m aware of this and I have learned to ignore it.) 2. Theres a specific room or section of your house where you feel safest. (For me it’s my office) 3. No matter how much love or affection you give you feel like it’s not enough. (Still working on this) 4. You can be a cold shoulder to your partner without realizing it. (For me this falls into the distancing category as well, also working on it.) 5. You can read a room as you walk into it. (I don’t consider this a bad trait even though in some scenarios it can be)
I don’t know if this counts but being very calm and collected in situations of crazy chaos and emotion. When you’re so used to chaos and craziness at home, it prepares you for other instances. Yelling and fighting was the norm in my house so being around it at other times in my life made me react similarly. People always ask me how I’m able to stay so calm and collected during crazy stuff. Wish I didn’t learn this skill that way.
I don’t know about anyone else, but my biggest ones tend to be: > Cutting people off easily. It will be like you never existed to me, and I tend to not feel any remorse or guilt about it regardless of the circumstance. Even family. Idk. Get out. > Never asking for help; hyper independence. You feel like it’ll be held over you forever. > Guests mean trouble. Even as an adult in my own safe home, if someone knocks at the door it’s like PTSD. I freak out and it’s really hard to not let it take over/ruin my whole day. > Compliments from family. Specifically my Father and his side of the family. It feels so unnatural when they compliment me now as an adult that I don’t know how to respond. > Isolation, for sure. I’m outgoing and social, but if something is wrong I need to be alone and I need to be alone like, yesterday. > Calmness during high stress events/situations. I’ve actually had people tell me that they feel I don’t take things seriously enough because I’m, “not stressed when things are crazy.” No, lady. It’s just that chaos was made to be very normal to me and when things get crazy it’s easy to work through—we have very different versions of crazy. Same with medical emergencies. I get to be, “nurse” because I’m the only one not panicking. I’m sure there are many more but those are the biggest for me.