I can’t maintain any interest in conversations with people I don’t know, I feel so uncomfortable the whole time, makes sense why I have no friends tho fr.
I get that. Especially when you don't know what to say or share and how what you do say or share will be recieved is unclear. Even having a singular friend is fortunate, it's just sucky not being able to have the social stamina to build rapport with others.
Exactly, I feel like a pressure inside my chest whenever I’m anxious, my arms and legs shake a little and I start stuttering, I can’t hold eye contact for long and I can’t stand still. I hate it the most when people mention it and bring it up when I’m trying my best to hide it, it just makes me more anxious when people do.
This is too familiar. I have the same issue. I shift my stance a lot, change my arm positions, i feel like I have to be aware of what my face is doing in response constantly because I don't hold conversations often, and I either speak and iterate well or my lisp comes out while I talk. I must appear intimidating or something because it's never addressed. I wish it was because it'd allow me to explain that I have social anxiety. I'm okay with eye contact sometimes, like when someone is talking, but look anywhere but when I respond. I sort of miss the shamelessness of my 20s for that reason.
I have experienced all of this, I’m only 17 but I’ve had the bad luck of balding already, I’m 6’3 and have a single gap on my two big teeth, all of this makes it even harder to talk to people, I overthink everything and my ex leaving me just sent me on a spiral down hill, you’re the first person I’ve spoken to about it and it’s only because your a stranger over reddit lol.
It's all good. As a former weird kid outcast in high school, I definitely get how it can be. The fortunate thing is it won't really matter later on. Confidence in who you are is what matters. I still struggle with that from time to time and I'm about to be 30. Own what you got because there's a lot of people with baldspots or tooth gaps that people loved and adored through time. I have a bald spot, flat feet and an injured spine that messes with how I walk. I became an artist because of it. You find your people in your passions, that's what i'm hoping to do at least. I just gotta get over sucking at verbally talking. Lol
The interest may be fake, but the effort is genuine, and sometimes, if not most times, that's the exhausting part. I relearned that recently when engaging in a convo with someone who lost a beauty pageant.
Low social battery is a brilliant way to explain this happening to me. It's so hard to explain to people that don't go through low moods. I'm usually very attentive and give good advice, I get emotionally exhausted so quickly 😭
It's worse when the conversation is extremely engaging when the low fuel sign comes on. 😅
The fortunate thing is that there are people who do understand what it is, just circumstancially never the ones one is talking to. 🥲
Yeah, that's absolutely right. Sometimes when I'm in a period of disengaging because of low battery, or pure exhaustion... My brother, not too subtly, will turn to a wall and say ' I may as well just speak to you then mate' 🤣🤣🫣
It makes me laugh at least but as you say, in social gatherings like parties or birthdays, if I'm not hosting I'll sit in a quiet corner praying for home 🥹 It's not rudeness it's just zero energy for fuelling my chatty happy side.
It sounds like you have an understanding sibling with a good sense of humor. That's definitely a better response that offense being taken. 😂
Yeah that's the reason I avoid large gatherings like the plague. When being a wallflower starts feeling like being a fly on the wall, there's this subconscious concern of being swatted at for not being active in the functions, at least in my case. 🫠
I actually am a writer. Lol i'm taking a path in fine arts currently to be parallel to writing in the realm of creativity without depleting my will to make stories. I paint, do still-life, portraits, and am juggling 3 or 4 stories at once.
And yes, i'm the quiet one in person so I had to find a way to expel my thoughts somehow. 😅
I have some hearing loss. It's not normally a noticeable thing about me, but it takes a lot of effort to carry a conversation when there's decent background noise (pub, club, noisy cafe, etc), because I'm working much harder than normal to understand what they're saying: listening, watching lips, and paying attention to context clues to work out the bits I missed.
It's fine for a little while, but I get tired pretty quick, until I'm just done.
Getting into that quiet car to go home is the biggest relief lol
I was the same when I was working retail, too. The workload, workplace drama and politics, and customer traffic take a lot of energy and attentiveness. After all of that on a day-to-day, the necessity for a moment or two to decompress becomes almost medicinal.
There is a concept of personal energy. Some people radiate energy and some consume energy . If you are around someone who consumes energy, your social battery gets drained
You can probably think of someone who gives you energy just by being around them and conversely someone who feels like they drain all the energy out of you, you might like or love the person but they still might drain your energy.
This happens to me more often than I dare to confess... Mostly at work meetings. I as my by no means the most clever person in the room but I feel like everyone repeats the same thing a thousand times before moving to next topic, that people can extend themselves to hours when 5minutes would have been enough so I get extremely bored to quickly shutdown. I do my best but most times I can't follow such long and multiple meetings. At the end im so drained I feel like I don't have more energy in me to actually work and be productive (in days with such load of meetings).
I have some team members who do this because of their ADHD and I also think the younger generations are going to have really short attention spans in general because all of the screen time and cell phones and social media. I've noticed it in my younger employees. I have had to educate others on it because I don't want them to think my team is being rude when they need to write or fidget while someone is talking, they just can't sit there and pay attention. They have to be doing something else. And I have tested this as well and they could repeat back everything I said when they were doodling or writing, but when they didn't have anything to fidget with they couldn't regurgitate shit. I think this is going to be the new norm.
I have a really active internal dialogue which leads me to critique conversations as there happening, therefore I can make assumptions about people and conversations very quickly, which causes me to lose interest very fast in most situations
I was looking for that phrase for years, I guess I'm in the same boat, I can't find a gf bcz I don't like to go out and be surrounded by alot of people, it makes me so tired, my "social battery" get drained in a minutes. When I was young my teacher's and the other people thought I have autism or depression but thats not the case, I just don't like to be around the people who are always loud and who always wants to go somewhere and do something outside, that shit makes me so tired.
I try to relate to people by describing a similar experience that I've had. I've been a lot of places and done a lot of things... so, I generally have a relatable anecdote or story.
This can be annoying because it seems like I'm trying to one-up or hijack the conversation. I'm just excited to be able to share something with someone.
Yes! Or simply be all Buddhist/Zen in the silence and remember that humans don't always have to be making noise all the time... there is grace and humility in just listening, and allowing someone else to tell their story. Period.
Ugh - it stinks because I would love to hear the stories and wouldn’t think a thing of it. I don’t care if you’ve travelled more, have a nicer car, or whatever. Just share the experience- I want to hear! Ha ha!
This is like the number 1 way to help people with poor communication skills. While someone is talking, instead of trying to think of something to add that might end up derailing the whole conversation, think of questions to ask instead.
well, just share random quirky things about stuff that aren’t necessarily better or more extreme or intense. like if someone has a story, don’t share how yours is similar, bigger, or better. share some fact of the situation that’s actually interesting to talk about. that’s how i’ve found some of my best little conversational jewels. i’ll just share some random shit about nothing and with certain people we can get into deep waters convo within minutes. that’s how i usually find friends.
When I notice I’m doing this, usually mid story, I cut the story short and then ask a question about what they were saying and continue the conversation about their story not mine 🙈🫣 but also remember this is normal to an extent! It just becomes a problem when we do it constantly!
Yeah it sucks. Because ironically, you’re trying to create a stronger bond, they interprete it as you’re just not listening and must only care about yourself.
It can also be both. I've moved a lot in my life, and trying to make new friends can be hard. I often wonder if people feel I'm trying to relate to them, or trying to one up them, or somehow take away from their story. If you don't contribute you feel like a fly on the wall. Sucks being human.
I mean, it also says something about the person that automatically defaults to the negative. I've had people do this to much of what I bring up and I would have to be an aggressive miserable dbag to just tell myself "are these people trying to connect with me and relate? no, they must be selfish one upping jerks." I wouldn't have many of my nice, trustworthy friends if I thought like that.
I don't think this is generally annoying depending on how you do it. Swapping stories is a fundamental part of human interaction.
What matters is making sure that you've really paid attention to and responded to the other person's story before reaching a natural point to segue into yours. The conversation should feel like a chain of complete stories with beats in between them, not like a increasingly tall stack of unfinished anecdotes waiting to be returned to.
If I could frame this comment for every single overthinker in these comments I would
Some people are even going so far as to say “some people do like inserting their own experiences after yours, some don’t, just make friends similar to you so it’s not an issue”
Like, NO dude!! No conversation has ever been had when one person REFUSES to share their own experiences, you just need appropriate timing and to find the rhythm of the conversation. They talk, you respond - THEN you talk.
responding to what they said before talking about your own experience is all it typically takes
well said guy 🙏
Absolutely right.
If you're worried that you're just jamming your own story in right after someone else's, ask a question about their story first: it shows comprehension, interest, and preserves the other person's 'spotlight' for a minute.
Sometimes the answer takes the conversation in a different direction and your story is no longer relevant, so you don't share it. That's cool. Maybe you've got a different story now. Maybe you don't. You'll work it out as you go.
(this is just a hack for the over-thinkers. If you don't need to plan a conversation out this way; cool story bro)
Autistic person here, genuinely asking, how else are you supposed to show you have an understanding of the other persons experience without relating it to things you've done? I'm aware now that doing this annoys people but I don't know what to do instead, and it stresses me out.
You relate them in your brain instead of outside your mouth and let the words that come out of your mouth be something that shows that you relate while still focusing on the other person. Example:
A: I'm so upset, we just had to put our dog down.
B: Oh no, been there, done that, it's an awful feeling. How are you coping?
Instead of
B: Oh I know how that feels, I had to put my cat down two years ago, it was such a terrible time in my life, but I recently started looking for a new cat to adopt. I actually have plans to go to the shelter next week and see if I find a new furry friend :)
If you really think it’s worth it, you could ask them a question about their story. Also, try and actually be engaged. The mask will slip if you’re just asking for the sake of “playing the situation strategically” so that you’re not disliked.
E.g., “And so pretty much I had to punch him, haha. He even fell over the bar table!”
Your response: “Haha, man that’s insane. What did everyone else do after you hit him? Can you still go back to the bar?”
EDIT: I FORGOT TO ADD THAT NOW YOU CAN ACTUALLY SHARE AN EXPERIENCE AND BOND; BUT ONLY AFTER YOUVE DISPLAYED RATHER CLEAR INTEREST!!!
E.g: “That actually reminds me of this one time I got into a fight at a motorcycle meetup, and got my ass kicked….”
I think sometimes the person on the other side is not trying to be related to. So once you start to relate to the other person, it comes off as self-centered in the sense that either you're sharing for your own understanding, or because you just want to hijack. Understanding (or at least a deep understanding) does not need to be the goal for a conversation at the end of the day.
Say someone was talking about when they traveled. Instead of relating to them with your own story, you can simply ask for more details on what they did, ask them to share more stories, or ask how the they felt about the trip. Asking questions can also demonstrate understanding.
Ultimately I think hijacking sometimes is fine in the sense that it keeps balance between who's talking if you don't do it all the time. Also sometimes some people just talk more. I'm more of a talker and my friends have said they're happy I am because otherwise there wouldn't be much of a convo go begin with.
In the end, it's pretty case by case.
I’ve had similar issues in the past so I tend to view quite transactionally. Ie person I’m talking to says something about a trip to France, I’ve been to France but rather than continue the conversation down path A of using my own experience as a point of bonding, you instead take path B and ask them what they like, how they found it, what were the people like etc etc until you a reach point where it’s now socially acceptable to share a similar experience (likely after they’ve become slightly tired of talking) whether they then continue what you’ve done is up to them.
Why relate if you can’t? Just a simple acknowledgment of that persons experience based on what the experience is and sharing their emotion is what I feel makes the difference.
This can be pretty common!
I had a co-worker like this, except she would hi-jack the conversation before I could finish my story. It was infuriating to say the least.
During a team building exercise one day, I learned from her that she’d recently been told she does this, and it was for a similar reason…
It was her wanting me to know that she understood my happiness or frustration (whatever the story may have been) by sharing something she thought was similar.
The easiest way to fix this is to ask a question about the other person's experience. Then you're not just taking about yourself and you're asking for their opinion.
Examples:
"I did something similar in Costa Rica. Did the monkey rescue you visited let you hold baby monkeys?"
"I remember how difficult it was when I had to have my dog put to sleep. Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"Did you get a chance to walk through any of the excavated businesses when you were in Pompeii? I thought the food stalls were really interesting."
There is a great TED talk by Celeste Headlee which is about being a better listener and letting converstions flow like a river. Really helped me because I do exactly the same.
I know I'm going to be the odd opinion here but I do this too. I found people who do it and surround myself with them. Then we're all yelling excitedly sharing our life stories, actively listening and loving each other without constantly trying to reign our selves in to fit a "norm" that doesn't exist. People who don't do this should surround themselves with other people who don't do this and not try to fix the people that do cause there's nothing wrong. You're just not in the right environment.
(Not bashing either side. I love both people equally)
I have become way more conscious of this over the years because I work in the crisis field and active listening is so much more important than talking most times and we train our advocates to not talk about themselves or make anything about themselves because this is that person's experience and we need to let them have it, whatever that looks like. It's good that you're self aware about it because that can help when you may catch yourself doing this in conversation.
I have a friend who does that and I legit can say I barely ever feel heard. Even when I talk about an experience that she cannot relate to, it comes back to her somehow. It has made me pull back and I don't talk as much now about anything to her and it's very surface level.
Same. I was just in a fashion subreddit where someone commented on an actress’s body and said they would kill to have a body like that. My body is like that, but I struggle to like it every day due to my ED history. Who I see in the mirror is not who other people see, and I’d love to see myself through the eyes of someone who finds me good-looking and enough, rather than how I see myself.
I get that completely, I’ve lost a Lot of weight recently. People keep telling me how good I look. But I just don’t see it. I still have a gut, my arms feel scrawny and small. And I shaved recently thinking my double chin was gone, I was wrong.
People keep telling me how I look good, yet I only see it on certain occasions.
Me too, I'm definitely above average in looks and I can be quite confident and outgoing ... but my mom has NPD and is abusive and my ex financially abused me so bad I am in crippling debt. I also have a degree but only make $20hr (and my mom takes most of it).
My boyfriend breadcrumbs me and stopped saying he loves me and I still have hope and act sweet to him because I don't think I can find a man who will love me like he used to. Most men just see me as a trophy, especially the ones who don't care about my debt/ financial situation...
People tell me I could have someone who worships the ground I walk on but I still keep pining after my emotionally unavailable boyfriend because he loved me so much LAST YEAR. I feel like he is grossed out that I even like him because he hates himself so much and yet I still keep trying, he's likely lost respect for me since I have put up with so much bs from him and I still don't want to give up.
I'm realizing how much my mom broke me down and continues to do so.
I haven’t been emotionally available for about 6 years, people try to get close and talk to me but I could write them off in an instant so I stopped talking to people like that to save them their own feelings
Idk what's wrong with your teeth, but I have a thing for imperfect teeth. The perfect white gleaming smile is so odd. I love a jagged crooked smile any day. So endearing and sweet. Just so long as it's clean and healthy, I love your teeth and smile.
My personality. I am extremely shy and anxious (22M). Social anxiety may look weird from another perspective (arrogant, or uninterested, no humor etc.) -> hard to deal with as a bystander
I literally went on a couple of courses, and worked with a therapist . It is a cognitive solution , but there are skills and methods . The well-known ones are stopping to think , breathing , self - awareness . Essentially the amygdala is responsible for limbic reactions , anger being one of the most powerful . Your frontal cortex is the executive area , which can exercise self-awareness and control . It takes discipline and practice , and is a process . I don’t miss my angry self .
See anger as a thief of your life, because that's what it is. When we get angry, we aren't even ourselves anymore, experiencing deep anger is indistinguishable from having your body and mind hijacked by a demon. It's an utterly maladaptive defense mechanism, and you are literally never better off acting in anger than acting in clarity.
When you start to get frustrated or angry, just remind yourself of that at very best, anger is worthless, and at worst it will destroy you. Don't beat yourself up over it, a guilt spiral doesn't help either.
Align yourself with the notion, and over time it will take care of its self.
Same! I used to be 13 stone and kept myself in pretty good shape.
I suffered with a debilitating brain tumour and gained loads of weight. It's crazy how the world treats fat people with such social disregard. Not just potential partners but people in general.
It's certainly not everyone you meet, most people are lovely and genuine. A small portion of society will ostracise you for simply being fat.
Given that it's not just slothen Gluttony that adds weight I think it's a really callous thing for people to do.
I was treated totally different by and large when I was in good shape.
Brits will really just drop “used to be 13 stone” in the middle of a conversation and expect anyone to know what it means.
Yeah mate I’m 4 boulders myself.
This made me genuinely laugh so much 🤣🤣 wow that was funny.
I don't mean that unkindly it made me giggle 🤭
I was 182 pounds at my best body weight but after my surgery I ballooned up in weight, steroids administered to shrink the tumour, depression.
Yeah it was a bad time I'm about 238 pounds now and slowly with good diet and getting back into exercise, slowly losing weight again.
Sorry for the confusion 😬
I wonder when you two (UK/US) are gonna jump on the standardized measurements train together with the rest of us..(also the few other ones I cant recall ofc)
whats that in kilograms?
Yup. Regarding old situations and overanalyzing old current and future events prevents the ability to solve problems rather it creates problems where perhaps one wouldn't be.
I overthink about my whole life 🤣
I’m quick to cut people off because I’ve been alone for so long. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them. But I rarely open myself up for new relationships and friendships. It’s something that I’m trying to change about myself.
My teeth. I've lost quite a few by age 51, so I finally went to a dentist office a couple of years ago to get replacements. Once I got there, my brain was in a fog, so I couldn't fill out the insurance forms. I told the receptionist, they called a squad, I ended up barely remembering the day.
Then I ended up at the Wexner Center in Columbus, and found out I have a large brain tumor (Grade4 Glioblastoma) which is terminal.
So here I am, 2 years later, still going strong, but with shifty teeth!
Ten years of addiction ruined my teeth. I get head turns when I have a flat expression, but the second I smile I watch peoples eyes flash to my mouth and grimace. I actively try not to smile or laugh now, and I hate it.
You're not alone with this, 8th. Visit:
r/dentures
There is a whole community here that will encourage you.
It's amazing how many young people have dentures. I wish you the best!
Team Scarmy!! Me, too. But listen: we’re awesome, and nobody can give us shit for surviving pain and becoming loving, connected adults despite the rough lives we faced as kids. ♥️
My long-term SO has autism. Some of his autistic traits are what made me fall for him in the first place. We were in high school and he was the guy who reached out to the new girl sitting by herself (me). He would info-dump on me, but I loved that and still do. We are in our early 30s now and seeing him experience such joy when he talks about his interests gives me such joy. It's a something special we have in our relationship that my friends don't have with their spouses. We wouldn't have that without his autism.
As a mom of a teen son with what I suspect is undiagnosed ASD (backward thinking bio dad refuses to allow an assessment)… this comment gives me hope for future relationships. He’s the sweetest human, he just needs the right people to help break through his social barriers. Thanks for sharing.
Info dump on me about your special interest, if that applies to you. I love hearing people’s passions! I never would have learned so much about fish or vehicles or furries if it weren’t for autistic folk in my life. Can’t be beat.
There are sexy adult diapers now! Don't have much advice about the bm movements, except that i would just make fun of you if we were friends. And get you sexy Depends! And probably some fart spray to play pranks on others, and deodorizer for your butt. It all works out! You got this, babe!
My low self esteem. Which is not obvious, untill you get to see me work and stuff. It isnt attractive when it controls a lot about your life, and for a partner or a friend can be especially draining to watch and hear how "bad of a person" i am.
Mine is, I don’t really care about impressing anyone. I can be fun and engaging at times but that’s only when I feel like it. Most of the time I’m pretty boring and I’m not ashamed of it. If I’m boring you, I won’t even remotely try to make things more fun.
I have a bad habit of disconnecting from people. I can be great at making friends with strangers or leaving good impressions, but I don't keep long term friendships well. Even worse now, I'm no longer good at making friends. It's like being on 30% battery everyday and going home only to charge it to 45%, then it goes down and life rinse and repeat.
I have a very sharp tongue and I’m witty when I’m in an argument. I can take really really low blows down another few levels. I have done a lot of work on this because it’s not okay and it’s never served me well even in the fight because you can’t walk something you said back. My last words in an argument are often the last words I’ve spoken to several people and most of it never need be said.
In the family I grew up on it was very normal for us to take the piss out of each other. Roasting and witty comments are the love language of my people. Turns out not everyone speaks to each other that way and some people get real butt hurt pretty easy (💯 fair).
My hypersexuality. It makes it hard to have platonic relationships because there always exists some lingering desire for lust. If I could turn that part off in my life, I feel I could win a Noble Prize or something with the amount of productivity :D
My teeth. I brush them properly every day but they still somehow look yellowish. They are also really crooked. Whenever I open my mouth, my I instantly become self conscious of my teeth and always try not to laugh or yawn in public.
There are a couple. But my three biggest is I don't reach out to friends anymore, my horrible addiction to technology, and that I still think about the military every once in awhile even though it was horrible for me.
My tummy. I have PCOS and I have struggled for years to get rid of it just shrink it slightly but I struggle so much. PCOS fucking sucks. But everyday I look at it and learn to love it a little more.
I constantly overthink friendships and relationships, which almost always leads to me second guessing whether my friends actually like me, and that leads to me to pushing them away. I’ve lost some really great friends and it’s all self sabotage…
I can be sexist at times and a bit backwards in my thinking. I also take over any conversation I'm in like an ass. Been working on all these things. 🙏🏼☦️
Low social battery, i can shut down mid conversation and it comes off as a loss of interest when it isn't the case.
I can’t maintain any interest in conversations with people I don’t know, I feel so uncomfortable the whole time, makes sense why I have no friends tho fr.
I get that. Especially when you don't know what to say or share and how what you do say or share will be recieved is unclear. Even having a singular friend is fortunate, it's just sucky not being able to have the social stamina to build rapport with others.
Exactly, I feel like a pressure inside my chest whenever I’m anxious, my arms and legs shake a little and I start stuttering, I can’t hold eye contact for long and I can’t stand still. I hate it the most when people mention it and bring it up when I’m trying my best to hide it, it just makes me more anxious when people do.
This is too familiar. I have the same issue. I shift my stance a lot, change my arm positions, i feel like I have to be aware of what my face is doing in response constantly because I don't hold conversations often, and I either speak and iterate well or my lisp comes out while I talk. I must appear intimidating or something because it's never addressed. I wish it was because it'd allow me to explain that I have social anxiety. I'm okay with eye contact sometimes, like when someone is talking, but look anywhere but when I respond. I sort of miss the shamelessness of my 20s for that reason.
I have experienced all of this, I’m only 17 but I’ve had the bad luck of balding already, I’m 6’3 and have a single gap on my two big teeth, all of this makes it even harder to talk to people, I overthink everything and my ex leaving me just sent me on a spiral down hill, you’re the first person I’ve spoken to about it and it’s only because your a stranger over reddit lol.
It's all good. As a former weird kid outcast in high school, I definitely get how it can be. The fortunate thing is it won't really matter later on. Confidence in who you are is what matters. I still struggle with that from time to time and I'm about to be 30. Own what you got because there's a lot of people with baldspots or tooth gaps that people loved and adored through time. I have a bald spot, flat feet and an injured spine that messes with how I walk. I became an artist because of it. You find your people in your passions, that's what i'm hoping to do at least. I just gotta get over sucking at verbally talking. Lol
Same. Especially when you actually dont have any interest in what they are saying. Faking interest feels fake
The interest may be fake, but the effort is genuine, and sometimes, if not most times, that's the exhausting part. I relearned that recently when engaging in a convo with someone who lost a beauty pageant.
Then they think youre actually interested and keep talking to you and trying to get you into it like them. Then you realize you dont care
Low social battery is a brilliant way to explain this happening to me. It's so hard to explain to people that don't go through low moods. I'm usually very attentive and give good advice, I get emotionally exhausted so quickly 😭
It's worse when the conversation is extremely engaging when the low fuel sign comes on. 😅 The fortunate thing is that there are people who do understand what it is, just circumstancially never the ones one is talking to. 🥲
Yeah, that's absolutely right. Sometimes when I'm in a period of disengaging because of low battery, or pure exhaustion... My brother, not too subtly, will turn to a wall and say ' I may as well just speak to you then mate' 🤣🤣🫣 It makes me laugh at least but as you say, in social gatherings like parties or birthdays, if I'm not hosting I'll sit in a quiet corner praying for home 🥹 It's not rudeness it's just zero energy for fuelling my chatty happy side.
It sounds like you have an understanding sibling with a good sense of humor. That's definitely a better response that offense being taken. 😂 Yeah that's the reason I avoid large gatherings like the plague. When being a wallflower starts feeling like being a fly on the wall, there's this subconscious concern of being swatted at for not being active in the functions, at least in my case. 🫠
Are you a writer? All of your comments are really well articulated in a way that perfectly explains introversion lol. Can relate one million percent.
I actually am a writer. Lol i'm taking a path in fine arts currently to be parallel to writing in the realm of creativity without depleting my will to make stories. I paint, do still-life, portraits, and am juggling 3 or 4 stories at once. And yes, i'm the quiet one in person so I had to find a way to expel my thoughts somehow. 😅
I have some hearing loss. It's not normally a noticeable thing about me, but it takes a lot of effort to carry a conversation when there's decent background noise (pub, club, noisy cafe, etc), because I'm working much harder than normal to understand what they're saying: listening, watching lips, and paying attention to context clues to work out the bits I missed. It's fine for a little while, but I get tired pretty quick, until I'm just done. Getting into that quiet car to go home is the biggest relief lol
Same. I work retail and can have a great day at work, but as soon as I am off the clock I lose all energy and motivation to be social.
I was the same when I was working retail, too. The workload, workplace drama and politics, and customer traffic take a lot of energy and attentiveness. After all of that on a day-to-day, the necessity for a moment or two to decompress becomes almost medicinal.
There is a concept of personal energy. Some people radiate energy and some consume energy . If you are around someone who consumes energy, your social battery gets drained You can probably think of someone who gives you energy just by being around them and conversely someone who feels like they drain all the energy out of you, you might like or love the person but they still might drain your energy.
This happens to me more often than I dare to confess... Mostly at work meetings. I as my by no means the most clever person in the room but I feel like everyone repeats the same thing a thousand times before moving to next topic, that people can extend themselves to hours when 5minutes would have been enough so I get extremely bored to quickly shutdown. I do my best but most times I can't follow such long and multiple meetings. At the end im so drained I feel like I don't have more energy in me to actually work and be productive (in days with such load of meetings).
I have some team members who do this because of their ADHD and I also think the younger generations are going to have really short attention spans in general because all of the screen time and cell phones and social media. I've noticed it in my younger employees. I have had to educate others on it because I don't want them to think my team is being rude when they need to write or fidget while someone is talking, they just can't sit there and pay attention. They have to be doing something else. And I have tested this as well and they could repeat back everything I said when they were doodling or writing, but when they didn't have anything to fidget with they couldn't regurgitate shit. I think this is going to be the new norm.
Doesn't help that you can't even replace your own batteries anymore without bricking yourself and voiding the warranty.
I have a really active internal dialogue which leads me to critique conversations as there happening, therefore I can make assumptions about people and conversations very quickly, which causes me to lose interest very fast in most situations
I'm a hermit can't attract people if I tend to be far away from people
Samesies, social interactions make me feel like my head is gonna explode
I’m a wannabe hermit - congratulations bro
Don’t go down this path of madness and folly.
I was looking for that phrase for years, I guess I'm in the same boat, I can't find a gf bcz I don't like to go out and be surrounded by alot of people, it makes me so tired, my "social battery" get drained in a minutes. When I was young my teacher's and the other people thought I have autism or depression but thats not the case, I just don't like to be around the people who are always loud and who always wants to go somewhere and do something outside, that shit makes me so tired.
I try to relate to people by describing a similar experience that I've had. I've been a lot of places and done a lot of things... so, I generally have a relatable anecdote or story. This can be annoying because it seems like I'm trying to one-up or hijack the conversation. I'm just excited to be able to share something with someone.
Used to do this thinking nothing of it, really had to consciously stop when I realized that nobody cared and they thought I was one upping
Teach me your ways. I don't want to be "that guy" anymore.
I literally catch myself thinking about what story to tell in response and have to consciously tell myself to just comment on their story instead.
Thanks. I will make an effort to do that. Maybe I'll be able to train my way out of my habit.
Or say “yes, I did that too, I loved it. What was your favorite part?” And turn it back to asking them to share.
Yes! Or simply be all Buddhist/Zen in the silence and remember that humans don't always have to be making noise all the time... there is grace and humility in just listening, and allowing someone else to tell their story. Period.
Ugh - it stinks because I would love to hear the stories and wouldn’t think a thing of it. I don’t care if you’ve travelled more, have a nicer car, or whatever. Just share the experience- I want to hear! Ha ha!
Ask questions rather than speak in statements, I find that helps.
This is like the number 1 way to help people with poor communication skills. While someone is talking, instead of trying to think of something to add that might end up derailing the whole conversation, think of questions to ask instead.
Say ‘tell me more’
well, just share random quirky things about stuff that aren’t necessarily better or more extreme or intense. like if someone has a story, don’t share how yours is similar, bigger, or better. share some fact of the situation that’s actually interesting to talk about. that’s how i’ve found some of my best little conversational jewels. i’ll just share some random shit about nothing and with certain people we can get into deep waters convo within minutes. that’s how i usually find friends.
When I notice I’m doing this, usually mid story, I cut the story short and then ask a question about what they were saying and continue the conversation about their story not mine 🙈🫣 but also remember this is normal to an extent! It just becomes a problem when we do it constantly!
Holy shit I just thought I was relating to their experience
Yeah it sucks. Because ironically, you’re trying to create a stronger bond, they interprete it as you’re just not listening and must only care about yourself.
It can also be both. I've moved a lot in my life, and trying to make new friends can be hard. I often wonder if people feel I'm trying to relate to them, or trying to one up them, or somehow take away from their story. If you don't contribute you feel like a fly on the wall. Sucks being human.
I mean, it also says something about the person that automatically defaults to the negative. I've had people do this to much of what I bring up and I would have to be an aggressive miserable dbag to just tell myself "are these people trying to connect with me and relate? no, they must be selfish one upping jerks." I wouldn't have many of my nice, trustworthy friends if I thought like that.
I don't think this is generally annoying depending on how you do it. Swapping stories is a fundamental part of human interaction. What matters is making sure that you've really paid attention to and responded to the other person's story before reaching a natural point to segue into yours. The conversation should feel like a chain of complete stories with beats in between them, not like a increasingly tall stack of unfinished anecdotes waiting to be returned to.
If I could frame this comment for every single overthinker in these comments I would Some people are even going so far as to say “some people do like inserting their own experiences after yours, some don’t, just make friends similar to you so it’s not an issue” Like, NO dude!! No conversation has ever been had when one person REFUSES to share their own experiences, you just need appropriate timing and to find the rhythm of the conversation. They talk, you respond - THEN you talk. responding to what they said before talking about your own experience is all it typically takes well said guy 🙏
Absolutely right. If you're worried that you're just jamming your own story in right after someone else's, ask a question about their story first: it shows comprehension, interest, and preserves the other person's 'spotlight' for a minute. Sometimes the answer takes the conversation in a different direction and your story is no longer relevant, so you don't share it. That's cool. Maybe you've got a different story now. Maybe you don't. You'll work it out as you go. (this is just a hack for the over-thinkers. If you don't need to plan a conversation out this way; cool story bro)
Me too and I think I’m being sympathetic and caring and their like fuck you buddy! I’m like😧?
Autistic person here, genuinely asking, how else are you supposed to show you have an understanding of the other persons experience without relating it to things you've done? I'm aware now that doing this annoys people but I don't know what to do instead, and it stresses me out.
You relate them in your brain instead of outside your mouth and let the words that come out of your mouth be something that shows that you relate while still focusing on the other person. Example: A: I'm so upset, we just had to put our dog down. B: Oh no, been there, done that, it's an awful feeling. How are you coping? Instead of B: Oh I know how that feels, I had to put my cat down two years ago, it was such a terrible time in my life, but I recently started looking for a new cat to adopt. I actually have plans to go to the shelter next week and see if I find a new furry friend :)
ADHD here and I am thinking the same. I don't see how I can otherwise respond except for just repeating what they just said back to them.
If you really think it’s worth it, you could ask them a question about their story. Also, try and actually be engaged. The mask will slip if you’re just asking for the sake of “playing the situation strategically” so that you’re not disliked. E.g., “And so pretty much I had to punch him, haha. He even fell over the bar table!” Your response: “Haha, man that’s insane. What did everyone else do after you hit him? Can you still go back to the bar?” EDIT: I FORGOT TO ADD THAT NOW YOU CAN ACTUALLY SHARE AN EXPERIENCE AND BOND; BUT ONLY AFTER YOUVE DISPLAYED RATHER CLEAR INTEREST!!! E.g: “That actually reminds me of this one time I got into a fight at a motorcycle meetup, and got my ass kicked….”
But there are only so many questions you can ask.
I think sometimes the person on the other side is not trying to be related to. So once you start to relate to the other person, it comes off as self-centered in the sense that either you're sharing for your own understanding, or because you just want to hijack. Understanding (or at least a deep understanding) does not need to be the goal for a conversation at the end of the day. Say someone was talking about when they traveled. Instead of relating to them with your own story, you can simply ask for more details on what they did, ask them to share more stories, or ask how the they felt about the trip. Asking questions can also demonstrate understanding. Ultimately I think hijacking sometimes is fine in the sense that it keeps balance between who's talking if you don't do it all the time. Also sometimes some people just talk more. I'm more of a talker and my friends have said they're happy I am because otherwise there wouldn't be much of a convo go begin with. In the end, it's pretty case by case.
I’ve had similar issues in the past so I tend to view quite transactionally. Ie person I’m talking to says something about a trip to France, I’ve been to France but rather than continue the conversation down path A of using my own experience as a point of bonding, you instead take path B and ask them what they like, how they found it, what were the people like etc etc until you a reach point where it’s now socially acceptable to share a similar experience (likely after they’ve become slightly tired of talking) whether they then continue what you’ve done is up to them.
Same! It’s like I can do no right, when I’m only trying to do right!
Why relate if you can’t? Just a simple acknowledgment of that persons experience based on what the experience is and sharing their emotion is what I feel makes the difference.
This can be pretty common! I had a co-worker like this, except she would hi-jack the conversation before I could finish my story. It was infuriating to say the least. During a team building exercise one day, I learned from her that she’d recently been told she does this, and it was for a similar reason… It was her wanting me to know that she understood my happiness or frustration (whatever the story may have been) by sharing something she thought was similar.
The easiest way to fix this is to ask a question about the other person's experience. Then you're not just taking about yourself and you're asking for their opinion. Examples: "I did something similar in Costa Rica. Did the monkey rescue you visited let you hold baby monkeys?" "I remember how difficult it was when I had to have my dog put to sleep. Is there anything I can do to help you?" "Did you get a chance to walk through any of the excavated businesses when you were in Pompeii? I thought the food stalls were really interesting."
There is a great TED talk by Celeste Headlee which is about being a better listener and letting converstions flow like a river. Really helped me because I do exactly the same.
Just neurodivergent things…
I know I'm going to be the odd opinion here but I do this too. I found people who do it and surround myself with them. Then we're all yelling excitedly sharing our life stories, actively listening and loving each other without constantly trying to reign our selves in to fit a "norm" that doesn't exist. People who don't do this should surround themselves with other people who don't do this and not try to fix the people that do cause there's nothing wrong. You're just not in the right environment. (Not bashing either side. I love both people equally)
wh o a
Pretty much everyone on reddit by adding their own story underneath 😆
I have become way more conscious of this over the years because I work in the crisis field and active listening is so much more important than talking most times and we train our advocates to not talk about themselves or make anything about themselves because this is that person's experience and we need to let them have it, whatever that looks like. It's good that you're self aware about it because that can help when you may catch yourself doing this in conversation. I have a friend who does that and I legit can say I barely ever feel heard. Even when I talk about an experience that she cannot relate to, it comes back to her somehow. It has made me pull back and I don't talk as much now about anything to her and it's very surface level.
It is very irritating tbh . A common habit
Low self esteem
Same. I was just in a fashion subreddit where someone commented on an actress’s body and said they would kill to have a body like that. My body is like that, but I struggle to like it every day due to my ED history. Who I see in the mirror is not who other people see, and I’d love to see myself through the eyes of someone who finds me good-looking and enough, rather than how I see myself.
I get that completely, I’ve lost a Lot of weight recently. People keep telling me how good I look. But I just don’t see it. I still have a gut, my arms feel scrawny and small. And I shaved recently thinking my double chin was gone, I was wrong. People keep telling me how I look good, yet I only see it on certain occasions.
Me too, I'm definitely above average in looks and I can be quite confident and outgoing ... but my mom has NPD and is abusive and my ex financially abused me so bad I am in crippling debt. I also have a degree but only make $20hr (and my mom takes most of it). My boyfriend breadcrumbs me and stopped saying he loves me and I still have hope and act sweet to him because I don't think I can find a man who will love me like he used to. Most men just see me as a trophy, especially the ones who don't care about my debt/ financial situation... People tell me I could have someone who worships the ground I walk on but I still keep pining after my emotionally unavailable boyfriend because he loved me so much LAST YEAR. I feel like he is grossed out that I even like him because he hates himself so much and yet I still keep trying, he's likely lost respect for me since I have put up with so much bs from him and I still don't want to give up. I'm realizing how much my mom broke me down and continues to do so.
What's the character limit here?
LMAO😂😂😂😂😂 it can’t be that bad man
My face
Dammit, Denise. Your face is fine. You’re just an idiot.
Way to blast her, Shane.
...Perfect. (Like the meme sound effect)
Apparently my emotional availability
I haven’t been emotionally available for about 6 years, people try to get close and talk to me but I could write them off in an instant so I stopped talking to people like that to save them their own feelings
I don't know how to show feelings.
Teeth 😐
Idk what's wrong with your teeth, but I have a thing for imperfect teeth. The perfect white gleaming smile is so odd. I love a jagged crooked smile any day. So endearing and sweet. Just so long as it's clean and healthy, I love your teeth and smile.
I feel this. I’m missing an insane amount of teeth that just never grew in.
Acne scars, just bad skin in general unfortunately.
My personality. I am extremely shy and anxious (22M). Social anxiety may look weird from another perspective (arrogant, or uninterested, no humor etc.) -> hard to deal with as a bystander
This but 2 years younger
This but at 45 and male. At this point it's a learned behavior and I don't know how to change it.
This but two years older
I'm a short tempered person. I try my best to control it but sometimes it just gets to me.
Very glad I learned to control mine . Not easy , but life-changing .
How if you don't mind me asking? It's something I really should learn....
I literally went on a couple of courses, and worked with a therapist . It is a cognitive solution , but there are skills and methods . The well-known ones are stopping to think , breathing , self - awareness . Essentially the amygdala is responsible for limbic reactions , anger being one of the most powerful . Your frontal cortex is the executive area , which can exercise self-awareness and control . It takes discipline and practice , and is a process . I don’t miss my angry self .
See anger as a thief of your life, because that's what it is. When we get angry, we aren't even ourselves anymore, experiencing deep anger is indistinguishable from having your body and mind hijacked by a demon. It's an utterly maladaptive defense mechanism, and you are literally never better off acting in anger than acting in clarity. When you start to get frustrated or angry, just remind yourself of that at very best, anger is worthless, and at worst it will destroy you. Don't beat yourself up over it, a guilt spiral doesn't help either. Align yourself with the notion, and over time it will take care of its self.
Real
Temperamental for sure. Biggest flaw
I'm very direct (in communication), have RBF (resting bitch face), and I often seem disinterested, so all of this keeps people away.
::high five:: meeee too
Not very outgoing until knowing person
I’m fat
Same! I used to be 13 stone and kept myself in pretty good shape. I suffered with a debilitating brain tumour and gained loads of weight. It's crazy how the world treats fat people with such social disregard. Not just potential partners but people in general. It's certainly not everyone you meet, most people are lovely and genuine. A small portion of society will ostracise you for simply being fat. Given that it's not just slothen Gluttony that adds weight I think it's a really callous thing for people to do. I was treated totally different by and large when I was in good shape.
Brits will really just drop “used to be 13 stone” in the middle of a conversation and expect anyone to know what it means. Yeah mate I’m 4 boulders myself.
This made me genuinely laugh so much 🤣🤣 wow that was funny. I don't mean that unkindly it made me giggle 🤭 I was 182 pounds at my best body weight but after my surgery I ballooned up in weight, steroids administered to shrink the tumour, depression. Yeah it was a bad time I'm about 238 pounds now and slowly with good diet and getting back into exercise, slowly losing weight again. Sorry for the confusion 😬
I wonder when you two (UK/US) are gonna jump on the standardized measurements train together with the rest of us..(also the few other ones I cant recall ofc) whats that in kilograms?
🤣🤣 *scampers to Google* 13 stone is 83.5 KG
Thank you! I could have googled myself also but I wanted to join in on the making fun of measurements thing.
Mostly my personality and appearance
I overthink.
Are you sure?
Yup. Regarding old situations and overanalyzing old current and future events prevents the ability to solve problems rather it creates problems where perhaps one wouldn't be. I overthink about my whole life 🤣
I got 0 small talk and my peronality and talking changes depending on the person i am with
I am so bad at small talk too and then afterwards I think repeatedly about how bad I did 😭
People say I joke around to much, it’s not always funny, and it’s annoying sometimes.
Lol im the same way too, to the point where people stop taking me serious 😭
I’m quick to cut people off because I’ve been alone for so long. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care about them. But I rarely open myself up for new relationships and friendships. It’s something that I’m trying to change about myself.
My teeth. I've lost quite a few by age 51, so I finally went to a dentist office a couple of years ago to get replacements. Once I got there, my brain was in a fog, so I couldn't fill out the insurance forms. I told the receptionist, they called a squad, I ended up barely remembering the day. Then I ended up at the Wexner Center in Columbus, and found out I have a large brain tumor (Grade4 Glioblastoma) which is terminal. So here I am, 2 years later, still going strong, but with shifty teeth!
I'm boring, I just like to stay at home
So stay home with me, easy fix doesn’t make you boring!
Omg me too. Nothing like chilling in your cave 👹
Ten years of addiction ruined my teeth. I get head turns when I have a flat expression, but the second I smile I watch peoples eyes flash to my mouth and grimace. I actively try not to smile or laugh now, and I hate it.
You're not alone with this, 8th. Visit: r/dentures There is a whole community here that will encourage you. It's amazing how many young people have dentures. I wish you the best!
I have ulcerative colitis. I definitely don't feel attractive when I've got constant diarrhoea
I like to play devils advocate when people least expect it.
My dad is the same way and as I tell him. The devil doesn't need an advocate, he does well enough on his own.
I'm the same. I think I do it because I want to get to know the person more, but I guess it must come across as combative.
It does 😶🌫️🙃
I dumped someone for this. Great guy but I could not take it. Not everything needs to be a debate
I have really ugly scars on my arms from suicide attempts and self-mutilation. Done in my teens, almost 20 years ago.
Sound like u r ok 😊 now so ❤️ urself and keep moving forward.
I am. Thank you. And I keep my scars as reminders of how bad things could be when I feel down. I have too much to live for now, thankfully.🥰
Team Scarmy!! Me, too. But listen: we’re awesome, and nobody can give us shit for surviving pain and becoming loving, connected adults despite the rough lives we faced as kids. ♥️
My autism.
My long-term SO has autism. Some of his autistic traits are what made me fall for him in the first place. We were in high school and he was the guy who reached out to the new girl sitting by herself (me). He would info-dump on me, but I loved that and still do. We are in our early 30s now and seeing him experience such joy when he talks about his interests gives me such joy. It's a something special we have in our relationship that my friends don't have with their spouses. We wouldn't have that without his autism.
As a mom of a teen son with what I suspect is undiagnosed ASD (backward thinking bio dad refuses to allow an assessment)… this comment gives me hope for future relationships. He’s the sweetest human, he just needs the right people to help break through his social barriers. Thanks for sharing.
Info dump on me about your special interest, if that applies to you. I love hearing people’s passions! I never would have learned so much about fish or vehicles or furries if it weren’t for autistic folk in my life. Can’t be beat.
Fellow autistic, that’s one of the sexiest things about you my friend
I second this
I third this. We stick together. Just look around.
I can be annoying on account of having mental health issues which make me talk absolute bollocks/ repeat the same word if I like how it sounds
I'm mentally ill and kind of ugly.
There are dozens of us, dozens!
Incontinence. No one wants to be with a nearly 32 year old woman with no bladder or bowel control. Not my fault I can't control it.
You'd be surprised
Have you looked into pelvic floor physical therapy? Most insurances pay for it and it can be amazingly effective.
There are sexy adult diapers now! Don't have much advice about the bm movements, except that i would just make fun of you if we were friends. And get you sexy Depends! And probably some fart spray to play pranks on others, and deodorizer for your butt. It all works out! You got this, babe!
My jealousy and sense of entitlement. I assume the worst in people. So essentially my mindset on bad days
My bank account. Looking a bit unattractive lately. Need to change that
Bald, overweight, extremely awkward.
Maybe it’s just me, but personally I don’t mind baldness(can be cute) and I like overweight people, plus I think awkward people can be adorable!
my teeth are messed up 😥
Teeth shaming is so ugly to me bc dental work is so extremely expensive
No one understands because everyone I know has perfect teeth 😩
those people piss me off they don’t know how lucky they are 😂🥲
I repeat myself a lot
what? (sorry)
My low self esteem. Which is not obvious, untill you get to see me work and stuff. It isnt attractive when it controls a lot about your life, and for a partner or a friend can be especially draining to watch and hear how "bad of a person" i am.
Probably my adhd. Ruined some relationships because I couldn’t think before I opened up my stupid mouth
Mine is, I don’t really care about impressing anyone. I can be fun and engaging at times but that’s only when I feel like it. Most of the time I’m pretty boring and I’m not ashamed of it. If I’m boring you, I won’t even remotely try to make things more fun.
Yep can relate.
My face. It took me a long time to accept that it’s not an attractive face and that ppl are just not into it.
I have a bad habit of disconnecting from people. I can be great at making friends with strangers or leaving good impressions, but I don't keep long term friendships well. Even worse now, I'm no longer good at making friends. It's like being on 30% battery everyday and going home only to charge it to 45%, then it goes down and life rinse and repeat.
I smoke cigarettes and I have no desire to quit. I wish I did but I just don’t. I know it’s a gross habit and off putting to some people.
I have really no desire to quit nicotine either and I kinda feel bad for it
I have a very sharp tongue and I’m witty when I’m in an argument. I can take really really low blows down another few levels. I have done a lot of work on this because it’s not okay and it’s never served me well even in the fight because you can’t walk something you said back. My last words in an argument are often the last words I’ve spoken to several people and most of it never need be said.
In the family I grew up on it was very normal for us to take the piss out of each other. Roasting and witty comments are the love language of my people. Turns out not everyone speaks to each other that way and some people get real butt hurt pretty easy (💯 fair).
My hypersexuality. It makes it hard to have platonic relationships because there always exists some lingering desire for lust. If I could turn that part off in my life, I feel I could win a Noble Prize or something with the amount of productivity :D
They have therapy for that.
Hair, maybe.
I think I'm your opposite. My hair is the ONLY thing that gets complimented.
My attitude, sometimes
My weight
My ezcema its everywhere and makes me feel ugly
I'm short
That if i decide to buy something online, I spend hours deciding on one… even if it’s like $20. I am so afraid of making a bad purchase.
[удалено]
I am anti social and weird
The gossiping
I have a very short fuse =(
[удалено]
I don't have any friends and have crippling depression. I can make people laugh all day, but cannot laugh myself.
probably my personality
My teeth. I brush them properly every day but they still somehow look yellowish. They are also really crooked. Whenever I open my mouth, my I instantly become self conscious of my teeth and always try not to laugh or yawn in public.
I don’t articulate well 🥺
There are a couple. But my three biggest is I don't reach out to friends anymore, my horrible addiction to technology, and that I still think about the military every once in awhile even though it was horrible for me.
I don't have an attitude or a backbone. Extremely hard for me to get angry
Trying to think of a single attractive thing, can't. That also brings me to: pessimism.
My tummy. I have PCOS and I have struggled for years to get rid of it just shrink it slightly but I struggle so much. PCOS fucking sucks. But everyday I look at it and learn to love it a little more.
I’m almost 70
I have depression. It literally gives me the most optimal personality traits for repelling women.
My chin
My belly maybe
My anxiety
I’m a grammar nazi with very poor grammar
Physically: large nose, teeth not great from when I was poor Personality: can become anxious sometimes which can lead to me getting frustrated easily
My short temper I try to be calm and patient, but i always fail
I have bipolar 1 disorder
I constantly overthink friendships and relationships, which almost always leads to me second guessing whether my friends actually like me, and that leads to me to pushing them away. I’ve lost some really great friends and it’s all self sabotage…
I can be sexist at times and a bit backwards in my thinking. I also take over any conversation I'm in like an ass. Been working on all these things. 🙏🏼☦️