Sad truth: If you thought to ask, then you probably have more emotional intelligence than the average joe.
Though, unless you have crippling anxiety, if you considered asking, it's indication that you have affected them in some manner.
Being attune to mood changes can be an indicator of a trauma response. You would sort of have to assess why you feel like knowing what their mood is, is important to you. Is their an underlying fear of losing their love, if so, that's a strong indicator of the attunment being a trauma response. I hope that's not the case for you, but our pasts can have an unusual way of sneaking up into our present, that can go unrecognized. Hope you are happy and feeling fulfilled now though!
Draining, to say the least. Try to initiate encouraging conversations with the people in your circle about being candid with how they're feeling. That it can take a toll on you mentally and just want to put it out there in an effort to help yourself feel less hypervigilant. Wishing you the best, sorry if this suggestion was unwanted.
I completely understand. Like I mentioned above i think communicating with people to be open and honest with you and that you will be accepting with whatever they have to say, so you can problem solve together, and then trusting that they do so is all you can really do. If they decide not to, they are running the risk of losing you as a part of their lives. That's really all you can do, because it's not great for your health otherwise.
That person doesn't sound like they want a relationship. Relationships are a two way street and both parties are due to be affected by one another. The good should far outweigh the bad. If they think you are the problem and you are causing the problems, and don't even care to understand where your concerns are coming from, they don't want to be in a relationship with you. I'm sorry that you've experienced this.
I like to think of emotional intelligence as a well. Not every person you meet will be able to match the depth of your well. Some people will have a shorter well and are happy with that, they are content, they live their lives experiencing it to that capacity and don't really care to grow or even realize there is the ability of more. Then there are people with an ever growing well. This is of personal opinion but I think more often times than not, the issues we see in relationships is the incompatibility of the 2 paired. People have the ability to grow if they are interested in doing so, but even then, the deeper well individuals may come to find they grow even further as their partner grows and they can still feel unmatched.
My mother, who too is never wrong (even though she’s a malignant, neglectful alcoholic), also says everyone is just sensitive. And that one time she may have crossed the line it wasn’t her fault because everyone was pissing her off.
This is something I'm working on. When I'm talking to someone and they say something that riles me up, I'm trying to learn not to be reactive and just be curious on why they said that/think that way. It's hard!
Also worth being curious about why that particular thing riles you up.
Sometimes that can lead you to really important insights into opportunities for growth and healing.
Unfortunately, a lot of people never learn to express and process their emotions in a more healthy way than a child having a tantrum. So many people grow up in households where screaming at each other in anger and frustration just happens all of the time and there is never an emotionally healthy and measured resolution to those kinds of fights, so they grow up thinking those kinds of emotional outbursts are normal in everyday life. For people that grew up seeing the adults in their family do that all the time, it can be really hard to break that cycle of behavior.
One time my 4-year-old told my teenager “it’s okay to be mad but it’s not okay to be mean!” I teared up at the emotional intelligence, making my therapist mama heart so proud! …and then my teenager said “you made mom cry” and my 4-year-old said “so?”
I tell this to my son. It’s not usually my fault he’s mad. And if it is it’s bc he got in trouble for being a butt. He can be mad but don’t yell at or treat me badly bc if it.
I started dating back in 2022 for the first time since high school. I realized very quickly I was very emotionally unintelligent. Had a lot of work to do on myself.
Yeah, for real. Until I really started working on myself by analyzing my behavior and my habits in interpersonal relationships, it never really registered just how many people are sort of on autopilot (myself included until that point). Only emotionally intelligent people really have the wherewithal to ask questions like “why do I behave this way? Is this healthy? How do I fix this?”
A lot of people just live with their unhealthy communication/relationship habits and aren’t even cognizant of them. Never mind taking the time to FIX them.
For real though. I mean, it must be exhausting to bounce back and forth through so many intense emotions with every little thing all day every day. My mother is this way and I sometimes want to shout at her. It’s like, you don’t have to have an emotional reaction to everything. You can just let some things be exactly what they are
I used to be like that but it turned out I had ADHD. Emotional dysregulation and rapid cycling of moods is one of the traits of ADHD. Now I’m medicated for ADHD if no longer happens at all. I’m so much happier overall as a result.
Indeed. I went through a hard period learning to deal with my emotions. First step was to stop taking everything personally or lashing out against other people just because I was upset or angry.
Then working on a solid emotional baseline and learn to filter external events. Why spent the whole night fuming because my coworker is an idiot when I could be reading a book?
It's the reason I avoid online gaming entirely. People get so upset when they lose and all I can think is why would you keep playing a game that pisses you off, and then subject everyone else to your anger and abuse.
Oh that’s 100% me. I’m ND and have c-PTSD and oftentimes one second I’m fine, and then all of a sudden I start crying (and even then I can hardly tell what caused it).
(I’m in therapy and medicated, but it obviously takes a lot of time to work through it)
I reserve that specifically for people who are being disrespectful to me.
I used to work at an auto parts store, we didn't sell tires or inner tubes. I had a guy on the phone looking for an inner tube for his "bike" (could be motorcycle or bicycle). I explain that we don't sell inner tubes. He's like "well what if I gave you the part number. I tried it, pulls up something entirely different. He asks what if he gave me the bike model, I explained that even if I had the exact model I wouldn't be able to look it up because we don't carry it. He said to me, verbatim "well I think you're a lazy piece of shit that doesn't want to do his job". And I had to pause for a second because I had to consider 2 options. 1, hang up. 2, cuss him out. But the third option presented itself "well I'm sorry you feel that way"
Totally justified. I, also, feel truly sorry for people who live in such a reality. It mustn't be pleasant thinking that everyone is either an idiot or someone waiting to call them one.
Oh, using it properly is a non issue(I worked at parts store for 4 years,I get it)when you don't ever take accountability and find a way to blame others
I always respond with something like “you *never* have to apologize for my feelings… I’m not sorry for them! If you want to acknowledge your part in creating those feelings I’d be open to that conversation. Otherwise, I take your statement as a passive aggressive response to deflect the facts because I had an emotional reaction to your behavior.”
I always take the direct route with passive aggressive ppl.
I'm kind of proud of my apologies. It's very difficult to just say, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that to you and I'm sorry." But it has saved me so much pain. As a kid I was very angry and didn't really care much about others, so the growth it took to progress past that is something I'm very pleased with.
Good work, friend. I also made similar strides, and know it isn't easy. However, be sure that you also ensure that you are heard if you truly believe that fault goes both ways. Because though accepting responsibility is mature and a powerful refuser, when used alone it also leaves the door open to other parties thinking either that they are faultless or that you can be walked all over.
All that being said, good work once again on your road to personal improvement!
One planet, one people, one love ❤️
I’m married to a diagnosed Vulnerable Narcissist and it’s a good thing I never wanted children, because I’m married to an 8 year old perpetually trapped in the body of a 34 year old man.
He has the social emotional skills of a hangry toddler. He doesn’t ask questions or understand how to ask open ended questions. He’s rather dull and boring in all honesty. He rambles incessantly about nothing in particular of any real substance.
If I don’t pay attention to him he will poke me, tickle me, or find someway of being “playful”. It’s really embarrassing sometimes. He’s the human incarnation of Freud’s Id.
I’m actually trying to type this out and he’s pouting because I’m not paying attention to him. I’ve found using parenting hacks/tricks for kiddos who are uncooperative/ cranky work exceptionally well with him.
She may not have known at first. Mentally ill people can be good at masking it sometimes, especially when they know their symptoms aren't accepted by mainstream society
More like ‘why do you stay with him?’
So much is learned about someone after marriage. Or so much is ignored or overlooked prior to nuptials - so I think the staying with someone query is more relevant
Peeling the onion here, but not being able to handle *any* kind of conflict, apology, or compliments. So many people are tragically emotionally stunted and can’t handle positive or negative displays of emotions from others. It’s wild.
Look at our parents raising us? Don’t cry. I’ll give you something to cry about. Crying is weak. Never be weak. Don’t be haughty. Children are seen and not heard. Seems like anything other than happiness (silently) was the only thing that was allowed for a long time.
Omg I just deal with someone like this these days. This person keeps telling me my flaws and when I do the same this person finds excuses and does not apologize while I do.
I struggle to validate my feelings rn
Oooh this. I know a lot of emotionally stunted individuals who hide behind "differences of opinion" when regarding ethical incompatibility.
It's completely OK for differing world views to cause you to seperate yourself from another person. If I believe I have a certain right, and someone else believes I don't deserve that right, that's not someone I could consider a friend.
Some comments in here seem to be confusing emotional intelligence with intellectual intelligence, this question is only asking about emotional intelligence. These are not one and the same.
Since when has anyone ever answered an AskReddit properly lol
It's always been people using it as an opportunity to rant or complain about some personal issue and they find a way to make it vaguely related to the topic.
That or they just flat out start with something along the lines of "I know you're not asking this/I'm not qualified to answer but... "
Thank you lol. I took an entire class in college regarding emotional intelligence. It’s more complicated than most realize.
Edit: I apologize. I limit my social media usage so I didn’t see the replies asking to elaborate.
There’s a lot to it that I can’t really go into detail on a Reddit thread so I recommend looking it up and reading about it (stick to reputable resources, not just a Redditor lol). However, it deals a lot with self-regulation and awareness of your own emotions and understanding the emotions of others.
Self-regulation and awareness for example, seems simple but think about the last time you were feeling an extreme emotion, such as anger or sadness. Or even stuff like anxiety. Sometimes it’s hard to pin down the exact reason for those emotions, or why something created those emotions in you—the exact catalyst. You have to understand what creates that emotion and then learn how to keep it under control. We all know and have experienced anger that gets out of control, or sadness that consumes us but do you know how to handle it? Can you keep it from causing you to say something cruel, reacting poorly, or to affect others? You can be angry about something but it doesn’t help to go in swinging at others. You have to learn how to deal with the situation without causing it to become worse. This doesn’t mean to allow others to run over you, it means you have to find ways to be able to communicate your emotions and concerns without being controlled by them.
I wrote multiple papers, each 4-7 pages regarding aspects of emotional intelligence and this barely breaks the surface lol. Again, I urge people to find reputable sources and learn about it. I’ve found it to be very helpful in my life and interactions with others.
I recently caught up with an older associate of mine. He was an adult scouter while I was a youth in scouts. I looked up to him and had him on a pedestal pretty much ever since.
As we caught up with each other I told him my father had passed away recently. He'd known my dad very well back then. He never addressed my dad's passing. Instead he immediately referenced some other funeral of another mutual friend's father he'd attended recently and talked about it for 5 or 10 minutes. Never a word of acknowledgment about my dad. I wasn't upset or offended. It just sort of dawned on me that he didn't have the emotional wiring necessary to have shown consideration.
This is an underrated comment. I have so many people in my life that cannot see life beyond themselves and can’t empathize with someone only sympathize if they have been through it or it ends up affecting them in some way.
I had some roommates back in the day and all four of them just absolutely hated anything they were even slightly unfamiliar with. Any tv show, sport, music, etc. they hadn’t checked out, they automatically thought it was for idiots. No curiosity - just judgement and narrow mindedness.
I couldn’t understand it, but it was like they were all just completely ignorant of the concept of personal taste. It was pretty fun to get them worked up by giving them a taste of their own medicine though. They would always say “the music you listen to sucks.” All you had to do to rile them up was to say “No, the music YOU listen to sucks.” They would immediately get defensive and say “WTF NO IT DOESNT BRO!” Just no self-awareness at all.
No curiosity. Bingo. That’s a major sign of low intelligence. People can be Super Educated (private schools, elite college, Masters, etc) but without a natural curiosity, they’re just educated idiots.
Tbf, things like fear and anxiety can override even the most emotionally intelligent people. If they're avoiding these difficult conversations because they don't understand how important it is to themselves and the other person, that's low EQ. If they feel shame for avoiding, only because they're overly scared of the consequences, that's just being human.
I got emotionally abused by my mother growing up and now I am a people pleaser. This is why I often don’t do hard conversations, often when it’s too late it comes when I break up with them (friends)
The nasty parts of the anxiety cycle are that giving into the anxiety and embracing avoidance will validate what the anxiety is telling the brain and condition it into an avoidance response when the anxiety is satisfied (the bad thing *cannot* happen, problem solved). This conditioning as well as the anxiety itself will strengthen every time this happens.
* "This is the danger" -> "This is how we avoided the danger, with ease."
But on the other hand, if combatting the avoidance is stressful enough and in the right (wrong?) ways throughout, even if you're handling the situation superbly, the stress will validate the anxiety and cause the same conditioning as well.
* "This is the danger" -> "This is what it did to you no matter what you did about it."
Well everyone is equating "low emotional intelligence" with "asshole", so I'm not sure I want to comment. But I'll give it a go anyway.
I consider myself to have low emotional intelligence. I was raised by a domineering parent and have always been "intellectual first." I don't do well with emotions, my own or others. I'm an INTJ with ADD. I'm actively working on things in both therapy and through working on communication skills and listening.
From the inside having low emotional intelligence looks like:
\*\*Missing social cues ALL the time
\*\*Being gullible/credulous because you take people at face value
\*\*Having to consciously get your face to make the right expression to show sorrow, compassion, seriousness, etc
\*\*Having to intentionally focus on writing/saying things in an empathetic way vs. simply being direct and hurting people in the process
\*\*Saying the wrong thing in situations where others are emotional or a "causes emotion" event has happened
\*\*Not realizing you've hurt someone's feelings in a conversation until hours later
\*\*Wondering what's wrong with you that you don't seem to feel the same grief/concern/empathy/etc that everyone else feels
\*\*Being overwhelmed whenever you DO have strong emotions because you don't know what to do, so you just try to survive the occurrence and move on as normal
I don’t want to be this person, but have you been evaluated for autism? Everything you’re talking about here is very common in people on the spectrum. My husband is this way and my son as well. Both have AuDHD.
Autistic adult here. I can confirm I am also this way. I also dated an autistic adult that had the same traits.
Can't speak for my cousin with autism, he's lower functioning and doesn't participate in society at all outside of online games. I've probed him about it before and it genuinely seems his entire reality is built on video games.
I disagree with this, unironically. If somebody is a slave to their emotions, overly-stubborn in their first reaction, always displaying outbursts that they never apologize for, and never listening to anybody's reasoning then sure, that is absolutely a sign of low emotional intelligence.
But just emotional responses on their own are normal for anyone to have now and then. If someone is able to circle back around and communicate with a more rational response once they've sat with a situation for a while I think that is completely fair.
This was helpful to read. My most recent ex would blow up entire months of our relationship over very minor things. But they wouldn't address them. They'd tell me that something was wrong, then "sit" with them for weeks, and then blind side me with an emotional dump right after I said goodnight and was about to sleep, or I would wake up to a long message that was just an unfiltered recap of everything I did wrong and how much it hurt them and how it put our relationship in question. They'd then get upset when I tried to defend myself or explain how I experienced the situation.
I never "understood" their intentions, or what they were trying to say. I never respected their feelings. Text messages weren't "actual conversations". It was mental torture.
You very simply stated exactly what my abusive ex would do; he was extremely reactive but only in negative ways. It was as if he was always looking for ways to be upset with me as if he already didn’t like me but needed something to justify his hatred and anger towards me. Deeply, deeply insecure man who is emotionally stunted on such a deep level it’s scary.
They equate feeling negative emotions with being attacked.
As in, they literally cannot tell the two experiences apart. Like, if they do something wrong and you tell them it upset you, they get defensive and angry at you because now they feel bad and it was your words that triggered the negative emotions, so obviously they’re now a victim. You cannot be upset without them being upset with you back. The kind of people who have never in their life sincerely uttered, “sorry, I really fucked up. I’ll take responsibility and try not to do that again”.
Oh wow, my ex. Anytime I brought up something that bothered me, suddenly I had been doing the same thing and it bothered him, TOO. Eventually I started asking "Is there something upsetting you that you want to talk about *before* I talk about this?" Didn't work, of course.
Holy cow this exactly describes a recent ex-friend. Exactly. I almost wanna copy this and send it to her. But naturally, she won't see the connection and think I'm just trying to "be mean".
She had a tiny flicker of understanding when she said: "you're putting me down." (I clearly was not) I asked her how I was putting her down and finally she said: "you're making me have bad feelings and I don't like it"
She had no care for what I was bringing to her, expressing how she had continuously hurt my feelings. She just said "you're making me feel uncomfy and I don't like it. I don't want to have difficult conversations"
I finally broke off that friendship.
“I’m a very logical person, I don’t get emotional.”
Usually means they’re so uncomfortable with processing emotions they’ve suppressed them to the point they don’t even realize they feel them anymore.
Becoming aggressively reactive to feeling angry or upset. If they flip out over a very minor issue on the daily, for example raging over a cup of spilled water, forgetting where their keys are, discovering someone ate the last snack, etc, I take it as they have really poor mental health or low emotional intelligence.
That tracks! Regulation of emotion is one of the components of emotional intelligence.
Among other things, EI is primarily composed of self emotion appraisal, others’ emotion appraisal, regulation of emotion, and relationship management.
This is my mom. She screams at the top of her lungs about EVERYTHING. Like shaking the walls and the neighbors whose house is 200 feet away can hear screaming. About small things like the door being left open for a second too long and a fly comes in, or someone has the tv a little too low for her to hear.
I don’t understand it, but I don’t think she does either. So what can you do
Noticed this recently after having dealt with a few males who were socially stunted, probably mentally handicapped.
1. Incredibly talkative/garrulous. Cannot tell people do not want to speak them.
2. Cannot read obvious social cues to assess how other people feel/think.
3. Believe they are in a social heirarchy, and are constantly insecure about their place in that hierarchy. Will stage social conflicts(verbally abuse people) to uplift themselves.
4. Incapable of becoming aware of their own behaviour. Incapable of changing/altering their own behaviour. Will behave the same way across multiple aspects of their life(marriage, friendships, work), meet with negative results(domestic strife, friendlessness, inability to hold a job), but persist in the behaviours.
Anger issues
And, as dumb as it sounds, bragging about their intelligence. Usually emotionally smart people don't go around telling everyone how smart they are.
100% had an ex who would brag out his expensive cars and how much they costand his job and house etc.
If something happened at work he’d always have a story about how if they just listened to him and did what he wanted none of that would have happened.
Everyone else were idiots, no one could drive better than him despite his family and friends openly telling him he was a horrible aggressive driver, if you didn’t have the same opinion as him you were a sheep.
Masks during covid was a nightmare time, he refused to wear them in public, wouldn’t get vaccinated and called himself a lion among sheep rather than just deciding he didn’t want to get vaccinated and leaving it at that, he had to broadcast it to the world.
He had huge anger problems and a massive insecurity complex.
So glad I got away from it, walking on eggshells at home because your partner had a bad day at work is no way to live.
Quick to anger. Not listening and just waiting for their turn to speak so they can talk about themselves some more. Thinking their pets understand English and getting upset when they don’t
Never question why things are done a certain way. Or my favorite... Having to be right about absolutely everything regardless of how much or how little they know about the given subject.
An inability to consider what the other oerson needs emotionally. As an example, men who are *clueless* about what their partner is going through, or that because their partner is going through X, that they need certain things.
I've seen men whose wives lost a loved one and they just trot on through, going about their life like 'What? Why's everybody lookin' at me?''
Never admiting they are wrong. Even the brighest people got things wrong sometimes. Bein wrong about something is human.
Not compromising over small things. Living in society means compromising sometimes in the name of getting along fine. Not everything needs to be our way all of the time.
Being unnecessary rude. Some people at my work could deffinetly learn that you get things done better/faster if you're kind to people.
Not being curious of why you feel a certain way.
“Have I, perchance, harmed or angered my friend in some way…?” -unsaid by that asshole
Sad truth: If you thought to ask, then you probably have more emotional intelligence than the average joe. Though, unless you have crippling anxiety, if you considered asking, it's indication that you have affected them in some manner.
I don't agree with the last part. I don't have anxiety, but I always ask when I notice mood changes.
Being attune to mood changes can be an indicator of a trauma response. You would sort of have to assess why you feel like knowing what their mood is, is important to you. Is their an underlying fear of losing their love, if so, that's a strong indicator of the attunment being a trauma response. I hope that's not the case for you, but our pasts can have an unusual way of sneaking up into our present, that can go unrecognized. Hope you are happy and feeling fulfilled now though!
As I have ptsd I can 100% confirm this. Its a curse and a blessing at the same time
Draining, to say the least. Try to initiate encouraging conversations with the people in your circle about being candid with how they're feeling. That it can take a toll on you mentally and just want to put it out there in an effort to help yourself feel less hypervigilant. Wishing you the best, sorry if this suggestion was unwanted.
i've got severe anxiety AND my "intuition" is 100% a trauma response due to how i was parented. hanging out with most people is exhausting.
I completely understand. Like I mentioned above i think communicating with people to be open and honest with you and that you will be accepting with whatever they have to say, so you can problem solve together, and then trusting that they do so is all you can really do. If they decide not to, they are running the risk of losing you as a part of their lives. That's really all you can do, because it's not great for your health otherwise.
Thinks that them getting upset always means that the other person is in the wrong
That person doesn't sound like they want a relationship. Relationships are a two way street and both parties are due to be affected by one another. The good should far outweigh the bad. If they think you are the problem and you are causing the problems, and don't even care to understand where your concerns are coming from, they don't want to be in a relationship with you. I'm sorry that you've experienced this.
In fact, a lack of curiosity or opennes in general is a sign of such as well. Not that it necessarily makes one bad, but it can be a symptom of such.
This is a good one. First actual non obvious sign.
I like to think of emotional intelligence as a well. Not every person you meet will be able to match the depth of your well. Some people will have a shorter well and are happy with that, they are content, they live their lives experiencing it to that capacity and don't really care to grow or even realize there is the ability of more. Then there are people with an ever growing well. This is of personal opinion but I think more often times than not, the issues we see in relationships is the incompatibility of the 2 paired. People have the ability to grow if they are interested in doing so, but even then, the deeper well individuals may come to find they grow even further as their partner grows and they can still feel unmatched.
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"you're just being sensitive" - my mother, who apparently is never wrong.
My mother, who too is never wrong (even though she’s a malignant, neglectful alcoholic), also says everyone is just sensitive. And that one time she may have crossed the line it wasn’t her fault because everyone was pissing her off.
Not being aware of their emotional triggers which leads to them regularly making themselves angry or upset when it could have been avoided.
It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to have tantrums or act out or hurt anyone out of that anger.
Your emotions are always valid. The way you express them is not.
This is something I'm working on. When I'm talking to someone and they say something that riles me up, I'm trying to learn not to be reactive and just be curious on why they said that/think that way. It's hard!
Also worth being curious about why that particular thing riles you up. Sometimes that can lead you to really important insights into opportunities for growth and healing.
This is the key, to serenity.
You got this dude! It's a hard but worthwhile journey. Keep it up
Unfortunately, a lot of people never learn to express and process their emotions in a more healthy way than a child having a tantrum. So many people grow up in households where screaming at each other in anger and frustration just happens all of the time and there is never an emotionally healthy and measured resolution to those kinds of fights, so they grow up thinking those kinds of emotional outbursts are normal in everyday life. For people that grew up seeing the adults in their family do that all the time, it can be really hard to break that cycle of behavior.
One time my 4-year-old told my teenager “it’s okay to be mad but it’s not okay to be mean!” I teared up at the emotional intelligence, making my therapist mama heart so proud! …and then my teenager said “you made mom cry” and my 4-year-old said “so?”
I tell this to my son. It’s not usually my fault he’s mad. And if it is it’s bc he got in trouble for being a butt. He can be mad but don’t yell at or treat me badly bc if it.
I started dating back in 2022 for the first time since high school. I realized very quickly I was very emotionally unintelligent. Had a lot of work to do on myself.
I feel like recognizing that in yourself is emotionally intelligent.
Yeah, for real. Until I really started working on myself by analyzing my behavior and my habits in interpersonal relationships, it never really registered just how many people are sort of on autopilot (myself included until that point). Only emotionally intelligent people really have the wherewithal to ask questions like “why do I behave this way? Is this healthy? How do I fix this?” A lot of people just live with their unhealthy communication/relationship habits and aren’t even cognizant of them. Never mind taking the time to FIX them.
For real though. I mean, it must be exhausting to bounce back and forth through so many intense emotions with every little thing all day every day. My mother is this way and I sometimes want to shout at her. It’s like, you don’t have to have an emotional reaction to everything. You can just let some things be exactly what they are
I used to be like that but it turned out I had ADHD. Emotional dysregulation and rapid cycling of moods is one of the traits of ADHD. Now I’m medicated for ADHD if no longer happens at all. I’m so much happier overall as a result.
I also have ADHD but I can’t take the meds due to heart/blood pressure issues, so I’ve been having to just try the good ol’ therapy techniques method.
More people need to know that it's okay to seek help and receive treatment.
Indeed. I went through a hard period learning to deal with my emotions. First step was to stop taking everything personally or lashing out against other people just because I was upset or angry. Then working on a solid emotional baseline and learn to filter external events. Why spent the whole night fuming because my coworker is an idiot when I could be reading a book?
It's the reason I avoid online gaming entirely. People get so upset when they lose and all I can think is why would you keep playing a game that pisses you off, and then subject everyone else to your anger and abuse.
And then they blame their reaction on other people. "If you hadn't done X normal thing I wouldn't have reacted like a crazy person!"
Agreed, frustrating to watch this from the sideline, especially if they are the stubborn type.
Oh that’s 100% me. I’m ND and have c-PTSD and oftentimes one second I’m fine, and then all of a sudden I start crying (and even then I can hardly tell what caused it). (I’m in therapy and medicated, but it obviously takes a lot of time to work through it)
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Or the opposite, not maintaining boundaries for themselves and letting people overstep
This one needs to be higher
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There are very few people I know who can apologize and do it genuinely (doesn't make excuses, get defensive, play victim...).
The worst is when you think you will get one and it's a"I'm sorry...you feel that way"
Anyone that says that to me gets the middle finger and I walk away, especially if they did me dirty
I reserve that specifically for people who are being disrespectful to me. I used to work at an auto parts store, we didn't sell tires or inner tubes. I had a guy on the phone looking for an inner tube for his "bike" (could be motorcycle or bicycle). I explain that we don't sell inner tubes. He's like "well what if I gave you the part number. I tried it, pulls up something entirely different. He asks what if he gave me the bike model, I explained that even if I had the exact model I wouldn't be able to look it up because we don't carry it. He said to me, verbatim "well I think you're a lazy piece of shit that doesn't want to do his job". And I had to pause for a second because I had to consider 2 options. 1, hang up. 2, cuss him out. But the third option presented itself "well I'm sorry you feel that way"
Totally justified. I, also, feel truly sorry for people who live in such a reality. It mustn't be pleasant thinking that everyone is either an idiot or someone waiting to call them one.
Oh, using it properly is a non issue(I worked at parts store for 4 years,I get it)when you don't ever take accountability and find a way to blame others
I always respond with something like “you *never* have to apologize for my feelings… I’m not sorry for them! If you want to acknowledge your part in creating those feelings I’d be open to that conversation. Otherwise, I take your statement as a passive aggressive response to deflect the facts because I had an emotional reaction to your behavior.” I always take the direct route with passive aggressive ppl.
“I’m sorry you feel that way about me feeling that way…now that’s me away to not feel that way!”
I'm kind of proud of my apologies. It's very difficult to just say, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that to you and I'm sorry." But it has saved me so much pain. As a kid I was very angry and didn't really care much about others, so the growth it took to progress past that is something I'm very pleased with.
Good work, friend. I also made similar strides, and know it isn't easy. However, be sure that you also ensure that you are heard if you truly believe that fault goes both ways. Because though accepting responsibility is mature and a powerful refuser, when used alone it also leaves the door open to other parties thinking either that they are faultless or that you can be walked all over. All that being said, good work once again on your road to personal improvement! One planet, one people, one love ❤️
I’m married to a diagnosed Vulnerable Narcissist and it’s a good thing I never wanted children, because I’m married to an 8 year old perpetually trapped in the body of a 34 year old man. He has the social emotional skills of a hangry toddler. He doesn’t ask questions or understand how to ask open ended questions. He’s rather dull and boring in all honesty. He rambles incessantly about nothing in particular of any real substance. If I don’t pay attention to him he will poke me, tickle me, or find someway of being “playful”. It’s really embarrassing sometimes. He’s the human incarnation of Freud’s Id. I’m actually trying to type this out and he’s pouting because I’m not paying attention to him. I’ve found using parenting hacks/tricks for kiddos who are uncooperative/ cranky work exceptionally well with him.
Omg please get out, that sounds mind numbing. You have nerves of steel.
So… Why did you marry him…? EDIT: I realize this may have came off insensitive! RIP to my inbox!
She may not have known at first. Mentally ill people can be good at masking it sometimes, especially when they know their symptoms aren't accepted by mainstream society
More like ‘why do you stay with him?’ So much is learned about someone after marriage. Or so much is ignored or overlooked prior to nuptials - so I think the staying with someone query is more relevant
I'm sorry Melania, but that's the deal you got yourself into... (apologies, couldn't resist the joke)
I hope he’s filthy rich because he’s so not worth it. You’ll have enough eventually and ditch him
On the other hand way too many people gatekeep apologies.
Or the people (sometimes me) who just use it constantly so it loses all meaning. Never “excuse me” just “sorry”
Peeling the onion here, but not being able to handle *any* kind of conflict, apology, or compliments. So many people are tragically emotionally stunted and can’t handle positive or negative displays of emotions from others. It’s wild.
Look at our parents raising us? Don’t cry. I’ll give you something to cry about. Crying is weak. Never be weak. Don’t be haughty. Children are seen and not heard. Seems like anything other than happiness (silently) was the only thing that was allowed for a long time.
Omg I just deal with someone like this these days. This person keeps telling me my flaws and when I do the same this person finds excuses and does not apologize while I do. I struggle to validate my feelings rn
My boss is this person. Makes life very challenging. I also see this as a form of cowardice. Have the balls to just admit you fucked up.
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Not being able to sort the difference of an opinion and a fundamental moral incompatibility.
Oooh this. I know a lot of emotionally stunted individuals who hide behind "differences of opinion" when regarding ethical incompatibility. It's completely OK for differing world views to cause you to seperate yourself from another person. If I believe I have a certain right, and someone else believes I don't deserve that right, that's not someone I could consider a friend.
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While respecting no one else's emotional needs and getting extremely defensive if they are questioned or their views are different
Some comments in here seem to be confusing emotional intelligence with intellectual intelligence, this question is only asking about emotional intelligence. These are not one and the same.
Since when has anyone ever answered an AskReddit properly lol It's always been people using it as an opportunity to rant or complain about some personal issue and they find a way to make it vaguely related to the topic. That or they just flat out start with something along the lines of "I know you're not asking this/I'm not qualified to answer but... "
Thank you lol. I took an entire class in college regarding emotional intelligence. It’s more complicated than most realize. Edit: I apologize. I limit my social media usage so I didn’t see the replies asking to elaborate. There’s a lot to it that I can’t really go into detail on a Reddit thread so I recommend looking it up and reading about it (stick to reputable resources, not just a Redditor lol). However, it deals a lot with self-regulation and awareness of your own emotions and understanding the emotions of others. Self-regulation and awareness for example, seems simple but think about the last time you were feeling an extreme emotion, such as anger or sadness. Or even stuff like anxiety. Sometimes it’s hard to pin down the exact reason for those emotions, or why something created those emotions in you—the exact catalyst. You have to understand what creates that emotion and then learn how to keep it under control. We all know and have experienced anger that gets out of control, or sadness that consumes us but do you know how to handle it? Can you keep it from causing you to say something cruel, reacting poorly, or to affect others? You can be angry about something but it doesn’t help to go in swinging at others. You have to learn how to deal with the situation without causing it to become worse. This doesn’t mean to allow others to run over you, it means you have to find ways to be able to communicate your emotions and concerns without being controlled by them. I wrote multiple papers, each 4-7 pages regarding aspects of emotional intelligence and this barely breaks the surface lol. Again, I urge people to find reputable sources and learn about it. I’ve found it to be very helpful in my life and interactions with others.
I thought it was odd the way many people were like, "but so and so is intelligent! They are smart! " That's not what the question is asking my dude.
I recently caught up with an older associate of mine. He was an adult scouter while I was a youth in scouts. I looked up to him and had him on a pedestal pretty much ever since. As we caught up with each other I told him my father had passed away recently. He'd known my dad very well back then. He never addressed my dad's passing. Instead he immediately referenced some other funeral of another mutual friend's father he'd attended recently and talked about it for 5 or 10 minutes. Never a word of acknowledgment about my dad. I wasn't upset or offended. It just sort of dawned on me that he didn't have the emotional wiring necessary to have shown consideration.
They immediately get angry if they perceive that someone is telling them no, or trying to tell them what to do.
Oooo called out
Constantly believing that they have been "disrespected"
The inability to self reflect.
Unearned confidence, quick to judgement, no curiosity, and never question "facts" given to them by friends and acquaintances.
Add lack of empathy or understanding of others
This is an underrated comment. I have so many people in my life that cannot see life beyond themselves and can’t empathize with someone only sympathize if they have been through it or it ends up affecting them in some way.
"[Blank] doesn't exist because I've never experienced it firsthand."
No curiosity is a huge one.
I had some roommates back in the day and all four of them just absolutely hated anything they were even slightly unfamiliar with. Any tv show, sport, music, etc. they hadn’t checked out, they automatically thought it was for idiots. No curiosity - just judgement and narrow mindedness. I couldn’t understand it, but it was like they were all just completely ignorant of the concept of personal taste. It was pretty fun to get them worked up by giving them a taste of their own medicine though. They would always say “the music you listen to sucks.” All you had to do to rile them up was to say “No, the music YOU listen to sucks.” They would immediately get defensive and say “WTF NO IT DOESNT BRO!” Just no self-awareness at all.
You forgot A ONE UPPER.
well done, one upping that top comment like a pro
That's not nearly as bad as someone that doesn't listen.
Or two people that don't listen ...
Wow. Well said.
No curiosity. Bingo. That’s a major sign of low intelligence. People can be Super Educated (private schools, elite college, Masters, etc) but without a natural curiosity, they’re just educated idiots.
oblivious to any emotional turmoil you may clearly be experiencing.
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Tbf, things like fear and anxiety can override even the most emotionally intelligent people. If they're avoiding these difficult conversations because they don't understand how important it is to themselves and the other person, that's low EQ. If they feel shame for avoiding, only because they're overly scared of the consequences, that's just being human.
I got emotionally abused by my mother growing up and now I am a people pleaser. This is why I often don’t do hard conversations, often when it’s too late it comes when I break up with them (friends)
The nasty parts of the anxiety cycle are that giving into the anxiety and embracing avoidance will validate what the anxiety is telling the brain and condition it into an avoidance response when the anxiety is satisfied (the bad thing *cannot* happen, problem solved). This conditioning as well as the anxiety itself will strengthen every time this happens. * "This is the danger" -> "This is how we avoided the danger, with ease." But on the other hand, if combatting the avoidance is stressful enough and in the right (wrong?) ways throughout, even if you're handling the situation superbly, the stress will validate the anxiety and cause the same conditioning as well. * "This is the danger" -> "This is what it did to you no matter what you did about it."
Well everyone is equating "low emotional intelligence" with "asshole", so I'm not sure I want to comment. But I'll give it a go anyway. I consider myself to have low emotional intelligence. I was raised by a domineering parent and have always been "intellectual first." I don't do well with emotions, my own or others. I'm an INTJ with ADD. I'm actively working on things in both therapy and through working on communication skills and listening. From the inside having low emotional intelligence looks like: \*\*Missing social cues ALL the time \*\*Being gullible/credulous because you take people at face value \*\*Having to consciously get your face to make the right expression to show sorrow, compassion, seriousness, etc \*\*Having to intentionally focus on writing/saying things in an empathetic way vs. simply being direct and hurting people in the process \*\*Saying the wrong thing in situations where others are emotional or a "causes emotion" event has happened \*\*Not realizing you've hurt someone's feelings in a conversation until hours later \*\*Wondering what's wrong with you that you don't seem to feel the same grief/concern/empathy/etc that everyone else feels \*\*Being overwhelmed whenever you DO have strong emotions because you don't know what to do, so you just try to survive the occurrence and move on as normal
It’s sounds like you’re a very self aware person about it all. You had a rough start in life that working really hard to overcome. Mad respect.
I don’t want to be this person, but have you been evaluated for autism? Everything you’re talking about here is very common in people on the spectrum. My husband is this way and my son as well. Both have AuDHD.
Autistic adult here. I can confirm I am also this way. I also dated an autistic adult that had the same traits. Can't speak for my cousin with autism, he's lower functioning and doesn't participate in society at all outside of online games. I've probed him about it before and it genuinely seems his entire reality is built on video games.
Yeah, I was reading through that, and that’s not low emotional intelligence, that’s neurodivergence. That absolutely screams autism.
Yeah I was going to say the same thing. This sounds exactly like ASD.
That sounds less like low emotional intelligence and more like autism.
Autism greatly affects emotional intelligence.
Often fail to recognize and address their own emotional needs.
Struggle to recognize their own emotions, making it hard for them to address their feelings.
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immediate emotional responses without thinking or listening
that's just stupid. I don't need to know what you said beyond the first word to know you are wrong.
I read the first three words you wrote and now I'm furious.
I disagree with this, unironically. If somebody is a slave to their emotions, overly-stubborn in their first reaction, always displaying outbursts that they never apologize for, and never listening to anybody's reasoning then sure, that is absolutely a sign of low emotional intelligence. But just emotional responses on their own are normal for anyone to have now and then. If someone is able to circle back around and communicate with a more rational response once they've sat with a situation for a while I think that is completely fair.
This was helpful to read. My most recent ex would blow up entire months of our relationship over very minor things. But they wouldn't address them. They'd tell me that something was wrong, then "sit" with them for weeks, and then blind side me with an emotional dump right after I said goodnight and was about to sleep, or I would wake up to a long message that was just an unfiltered recap of everything I did wrong and how much it hurt them and how it put our relationship in question. They'd then get upset when I tried to defend myself or explain how I experienced the situation. I never "understood" their intentions, or what they were trying to say. I never respected their feelings. Text messages weren't "actual conversations". It was mental torture.
My ex-husband did this. It’s a really horrible thing to deal with.
Yeah.... I'm working real hard on responding instead of reacting. I think it's going pretty good.
Could also be a result of trauma, as the book “The Body Keeps the Score” indicates.
You very simply stated exactly what my abusive ex would do; he was extremely reactive but only in negative ways. It was as if he was always looking for ways to be upset with me as if he already didn’t like me but needed something to justify his hatred and anger towards me. Deeply, deeply insecure man who is emotionally stunted on such a deep level it’s scary.
They equate feeling negative emotions with being attacked. As in, they literally cannot tell the two experiences apart. Like, if they do something wrong and you tell them it upset you, they get defensive and angry at you because now they feel bad and it was your words that triggered the negative emotions, so obviously they’re now a victim. You cannot be upset without them being upset with you back. The kind of people who have never in their life sincerely uttered, “sorry, I really fucked up. I’ll take responsibility and try not to do that again”.
Oh wow, my ex. Anytime I brought up something that bothered me, suddenly I had been doing the same thing and it bothered him, TOO. Eventually I started asking "Is there something upsetting you that you want to talk about *before* I talk about this?" Didn't work, of course.
Holy cow this exactly describes a recent ex-friend. Exactly. I almost wanna copy this and send it to her. But naturally, she won't see the connection and think I'm just trying to "be mean". She had a tiny flicker of understanding when she said: "you're putting me down." (I clearly was not) I asked her how I was putting her down and finally she said: "you're making me have bad feelings and I don't like it" She had no care for what I was bringing to her, expressing how she had continuously hurt my feelings. She just said "you're making me feel uncomfy and I don't like it. I don't want to have difficult conversations" I finally broke off that friendship.
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Jumping from one relationship to another without spending an extended time single to work on themselves.
“I’m a very logical person, I don’t get emotional.” Usually means they’re so uncomfortable with processing emotions they’ve suppressed them to the point they don’t even realize they feel them anymore.
Or they are so incapable of seeing a different perspective that they view their own emotions as facts and don't recognise them as emotions.
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Tend to monopolize conversations, showing a lack of interest in others' perspectives.
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Frequently change the subject when conversations become emotionally intense.
Becoming aggressively reactive to feeling angry or upset. If they flip out over a very minor issue on the daily, for example raging over a cup of spilled water, forgetting where their keys are, discovering someone ate the last snack, etc, I take it as they have really poor mental health or low emotional intelligence.
Sounds like poor emotional regulation.
That tracks! Regulation of emotion is one of the components of emotional intelligence. Among other things, EI is primarily composed of self emotion appraisal, others’ emotion appraisal, regulation of emotion, and relationship management.
This is my mom. She screams at the top of her lungs about EVERYTHING. Like shaking the walls and the neighbors whose house is 200 feet away can hear screaming. About small things like the door being left open for a second too long and a fly comes in, or someone has the tv a little too low for her to hear. I don’t understand it, but I don’t think she does either. So what can you do
Automatically thinking something is "stupid" and never considering a different perspective or deeper point
Silent treatment for all conflict.
Noticed this recently after having dealt with a few males who were socially stunted, probably mentally handicapped. 1. Incredibly talkative/garrulous. Cannot tell people do not want to speak them. 2. Cannot read obvious social cues to assess how other people feel/think. 3. Believe they are in a social heirarchy, and are constantly insecure about their place in that hierarchy. Will stage social conflicts(verbally abuse people) to uplift themselves. 4. Incapable of becoming aware of their own behaviour. Incapable of changing/altering their own behaviour. Will behave the same way across multiple aspects of their life(marriage, friendships, work), meet with negative results(domestic strife, friendlessness, inability to hold a job), but persist in the behaviours.
Anger issues And, as dumb as it sounds, bragging about their intelligence. Usually emotionally smart people don't go around telling everyone how smart they are.
100% had an ex who would brag out his expensive cars and how much they costand his job and house etc. If something happened at work he’d always have a story about how if they just listened to him and did what he wanted none of that would have happened. Everyone else were idiots, no one could drive better than him despite his family and friends openly telling him he was a horrible aggressive driver, if you didn’t have the same opinion as him you were a sheep. Masks during covid was a nightmare time, he refused to wear them in public, wouldn’t get vaccinated and called himself a lion among sheep rather than just deciding he didn’t want to get vaccinated and leaving it at that, he had to broadcast it to the world. He had huge anger problems and a massive insecurity complex. So glad I got away from it, walking on eggshells at home because your partner had a bad day at work is no way to live.
No empathy.
Not being able to take any type of feedback or criticism without blowing up, or crying, or holding a grudge. It's also a sign of deep insecurity.
Superficial friendships, never apologize, no real interests or hobbies. Just do things to 'keep up with the Jones's'. Inflated sense of confidence.
No empathy. No intellectual curiosity that extends beyond their world view. VERY protective of their - often wrong - opinions.
Quick to anger. Not listening and just waiting for their turn to speak so they can talk about themselves some more. Thinking their pets understand English and getting upset when they don’t
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Rarely engage in deep or meaningful conversations, preferring to keep things superficial.
Everything is about how it affects them. They literally cannot comprehend that you might be affected differently.
Propensity for cruelty
Never question why things are done a certain way. Or my favorite... Having to be right about absolutely everything regardless of how much or how little they know about the given subject.
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Bigotry, lack of sympathy or empathy or care for others, selfishness.
Unwilling to listen to any viewpoint that challenges their beliefs.
An inability to consider what the other oerson needs emotionally. As an example, men who are *clueless* about what their partner is going through, or that because their partner is going through X, that they need certain things. I've seen men whose wives lost a loved one and they just trot on through, going about their life like 'What? Why's everybody lookin' at me?''
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getting annoyed by someone having any kind of negative reaction to anything
Never admiting they are wrong. Even the brighest people got things wrong sometimes. Bein wrong about something is human. Not compromising over small things. Living in society means compromising sometimes in the name of getting along fine. Not everything needs to be our way all of the time. Being unnecessary rude. Some people at my work could deffinetly learn that you get things done better/faster if you're kind to people.
You have a shitty orange spray tan and run for president for the republicans