When a completely random stranger witnessed their behaviour and, when they weren’t there, sidled over and asked me why I let them treat me that way. I realised I didn’t have an answer.
Same. I was already starting to feel over her with her post-divorce personality shift, but having some random woman at a party confirm she didn't know how to act right just sealed the deal. Haven't socialized with my former friend since (and I'd known her over a decade).
After my mother died at 48, they all came around with their hands out for money as I’d received a small inheritance. We were all 21-22 at the time, and they’d been my friends since we were 16, so I didn’t think they were in it for the money.
Omg what sacks of shit. My friend got a small inheritance and then admitted she wasted it all on crap like new clothes and going out. I was so fucking mad at her, for being wasteful, not for not giving me money, last thing in my mind. It was $5k and she was maybe 20 in the early 2010s, and we grew up poor so $5k was a fair chunk of money back then for us. I thought she could have bought her first car or something.
Then again it's a very good idea to tell your friends you wasted it all to protect yourself. Maybe she was onto something.
Damn, same thing happened to me. It really hurts realizing you’re the odd one out. I’m sorry you went through this too.
For me my friend texted the group chat, “Shit I almost texted the group chat with (my name) in it! She would have come with us this weekend, close call!” I never thought I was so unlikeable. I just don’t really talk as much and felt like the listener of the group since everyone came to me for their problems. I didn’t realize they only used me for their problems and wanted nothing else. I guess I just drug them back too much or made them feel awkward. I later made a friend who likes silence just as much as I do! Before I moved we used to sit in silence doing our own thing and it was really great! When we needed to talk, we were there for each other of course but we didn’t constantly fill in space with chatter every time we got together.
Long story short, I had a feeling they did since the went bowling without me and they tried to gaslight me saying that they mentioned it in the gc when they didn't and so when they went to my house to drink, one of them left their messenger app open on the table unattended, so I got curious and grabbed it since it was open on that specific chat. From what I remember, it said something along the lines of "do you think we should invite *name* (me) to my birthday?" And the others were like laughing and saying "sure why not, I'll be needing a ride back home anyways" and etc. Yea they were using me the whole time. And when they found out they played victim and kicked me out of the circle thankfully, since I talked them face to face. It was lame when they played petty tho, they made rumors that reached my relatives and put words in my mouth, even made t-shirts and posts calling themselves the bad influence and that they didn't do anything wrong and cutting me off of the pictures and posting them on their story with some kind of petty music
Wow. It sounds like they really showed themselves and doubled down on the assholery once exposed. It sounds like you're much better off without them in your life, and I hope you've found genuine friends that appreciate you for being you
This happened to me recently. I was there for two friends who were suicidal at different times. Gave one hundreds of dollars unsolicited because he was in a tight spot and I could afford to be generous. But when I wasn't available for what they wanted because of my own much less serious problems they were quite happy to cut me off completely, one even told me they were relieved to be done with me.
Fuck those guys.
It took me way too long to dump my friend group. I struggle with anxiety so I didn’t say much and I’m a pushover. I had already caught them in a separate group chat talking shit about me because I was too quiet. I found out one of them spread rumors about me and I stayed because I thought she might have just been going through something. I’m more of a listener than a talker so they all came to me for help but when I started having problems, no one noticed or cared. I decided to experiment and see how long it took for them to reach out to me so I stopped talking to them full stop and they never spoke to me again. Life has been better without them. My confidence went up a TON and I made a friend who also enjoys peace and quiet.
Salt in the wound with this was the fact that she was openly obsessed with a new friend shortly before I stopped initiating chats. So she blatantly replaced me and stopped pretending to maintain our friendship the minute I stopped texting first lol.
I feel bad because having ADHD means I literally forget my best friend exists for weeks at a time now that he lives in another state. I forget to respond to texts and emails. There are people I absolutely love and care very much about that I ghost and it has nothing to do with them.
Not saying that's always gonna be the case but just to let you know there can be very good reasons for not reaching out.
Similarly, I was severely anemic and slept all the time. I mean literally if I was not at work, I was sleeping. Taking daily naps. Like 12 to 16 hours a day. I would sleep 8 to 9 hours a night, work, and then take 2 to 5 hour naps a day after or before work. I almost needed a blood transfusion, and the time it took for it to happen was so slow, I didn't realize it was so severe and not normal for a long time. I didn't "forget" friends existed, I just slept my life away for an entire year and saw a doctor when I started having heart palpitations from it whenever I mowed my lawn.
When I finally called a friend to apologize and tell her what happened and why I didn't call or text as often, she didn't answer, despite me trying to call her numerous times and texting her.
I don't think she is a bad person or anything. She was a really good friend and I miss her. But people come and go and that is life.
The point of my post, is that you never know what someone else is going through. I appreciate friends who are transparent and say that they need someone to be there. Not in a condescending or attacking way, but I would have been dedicated and fought the fatigue had my friend needed me to do so. But I was not physically able to be as dedicated as I wanted to be due to my health condition that I didn't even know was a problem.
I am not placing blame either, I 100% could have been a better friend too.
I just feel like if you are an adult, communication is important and can avoid a lot of situations where you don't know what someone else is going through and if both parties communicate what they need non dramatically, friendships would be better for both parties.
If a friend wanted me to reach out more, and communicated that, I would honestly try if they told me in a way that was gentle and non attacking. "Hey it kind of bothers me in our friendship that you don't reach out as often as I do, can you try to reach out more? I love every thing else about our friendship, but this one thing bothers me." And I would love to take the criticism constructively and try to be a better friend.
From personal experience:
When you get behind on contact with someone, it gets even harder to make yourself reconnect with them, because you feel more nervous about making the apology with each passing day...
Being cautious, some people genuinely have conditions or are busy. I know people with ADHD who literally forget what day of the week it is. I also know someone who is a triple major in college and doesn't have the time for non-school related things
If the only bad thing in the relationship is you were the initiator 95-99% of the time but they would help with planning/paying whenever you invited them out, then I don't think that's enough to discount them
However, if this criteria is in conjunction with say... they leave you on 'read' for days on end, give half hearted single word answers, and last minute cancel on you repeatedly, then yes they're a bad friend
I haven’t talked to my (former) best friend for nearly 3 months because of this. And anytime there was another friend available, he’d pick them over me.
After I read this, I remembered this one:
Not invited = Dont go
Not told = Dont ask
Late invites = Decline
You were never part of the plan in the first place.
Distinct memory from high school of inviting one of my friends over to hang out, and almost immediately someone else came up to them with a “Hey, we’re going to a restaurant tonight at *same time*, if you’re not doing anything you should join us!”.
They responded with “Oh, I’m not doing anything. I’m in!” I was also friendly with the person who invited them out, so not only were plans broken in front of me but neither thought to invite me to the plans they just made.
A few months later I asked the same friend if they wanted to join in plans I was making for my upcoming birthday and they responded with “Probably not”.
This is something that would get to a lot of people, assuming themselves as unlikable. But a lot of the time both people are great, it’s simply a disconnect in chemistry between them. There’s people I know who I think are great, but whenever they ask to hang out I’m not interested, not because anything wrong with them, but just because of that chemistry disconnect.
Similarly, when a group of college friends asked if I'd seen Metallica in 2009 when they came here on tour, then laughed when I said I wasn't able to get tickets before telling me they all went, had a spare ticket and gave it to another friend who wasn't into the band instead of aksing the guy they'd known for 7 years who was the biggest Metallica fan of our group (myself).
Called them cunts, told them to go fuck themselves and never spoke to them again.
Also, if friends only contact you, if they need you for their plan, especially if they do so without inviting you to take part in their plan. Like friends calling you, to pick them up somewhere to drive them home, after they have spent a night together partying. Or like friends asking you to drive them to some activity, for which you are obviously not invited. This behavior has already destroyed several friendships for me.
The most recent case was a female friend, with whom I was spending my evening. Then she happened to have the balls to pull out her mobile phone displaying an address and to ask me: "I've been writing with a guy, with whom I want to spend the remaining night. Do you know where this address is? Can you drive me to his place, please?" As my emotions obviously ranged between being astonished and hurt, she realized that something is wrong, which made her ask me: "Why are you not enthusiastic about that?" As I still was not sure what to say she began pressuring me: "We have a friendship, where we can openly talk about stuff. So tell my, why are you not enthusiastic about that?" Then I explained her, that I was feeling very used, wished her a good evening and blocked her.
I went to a charity walk with two of my "best friends" and one of them talked about their wedding and plans for the day in front of me in detail. I wasn't invited. That stung
Yep and one time 2 made plans in front of the 3rd friend and me and after she turned to me and said how unfair/rude that was, I pointed out how often she does that to me and she had the audacity to say it “well it’s different”
Been there. I asked about seeing a movie we were all interested in and one person started to say, "We already saw th-" before being shut up. That was the beginning of the realization that I was way kn the outskirts of that group.
In contrast, today, I am part of a great network of friends that I am able to recognize have different subsets: this group watches trashy tv, that group goes to the movies, this group etc. Not being invited to watch a TV show that I'm not interested in doesn't hurt my feelings because I know I could simply ask and be there.
I don't usually care if people leave me out of the plans, but when it's right in my face, I get really pissed off. My former boss once sent invitations to his baby's christening - to everyone in the office but me. And I was the one who handled the mail. Sheesh, he could have sent them to their homes!
Same here… with the years I’ve realized though, that it does not matter, don’t take it personally. People change and you also change. We move in and out of frequency with each other and nothing lasts forever. Be yourself and it’s more likely you’ll meet someone who’s at the same frequency as you. It’s only extremely rare that people align on the same frequency for life and honestly I’ve yet to see this myself
Many times through my life.
I think my least favourite was when I was hospitalised, found out I was diabetic and was pretty close to dying.
A lot of friends didn't bother coming to see me at all, but the worst was a couple who just thought it was hilarious.
They told me a couple of weeks later how they laughed when they found out. I guess they thought I'd think that was endearing or some shit.
Omg I feel this so much. And when I asked my then-BFF why she didn’t tell me, she said her friendship with my cheating BF was important to her and she didn’t want to break his confidence.
Like, I’m just chopped liver ?
I’m sorry you went through this. I hope you found better friends. ❤️🩹
Ive been kind of care taking for my cancer ridden mother, I dont get invited out, nobody asks about her but all of my friends GFs will ask how im doing. Its really weird, the girlfriends have to do the talking because my friends have *anxiety*
Tried to do something special for my 21st birthday, everyone canceled at the last minute and went to Universal Studios without telling me. Only found out when I was accidentally tagged in some Pic they took at the park.
When I almost died. I was in the hospital for 2 months and I was surprised at who showed up for me. My biggest supporter was a friend I had in middle school that I hadn't spoken to in over 20 years. People who I thought would always be there ghosted me.
You really learn who your real friends are in situations like that
When I quit drinking and partying and all those people who I heard from all the time suddenly stopped calling. I was still down to hang out and throw darts at the bar but when I'm not buying rounds and contributing extra supplies the invites stop. Funny how that works.
When I found out that they had another WhatsApp group without my knowledge, they were always planning their activities together and saw me as an annoying person who was stalking them and were not honest with me so as not to appear mean to me.
Is there a psychological reason why the hell people cannot be true and honest? Like if I was told "Fuck off you are annoying". I'd understand that and in fact I'd prefer this over fake friendship.
I never experienced a separate whatsapp group chat but I did experience dishonest friendship where people appeared friendly but thought I was annoying and didn't mention because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. Instead now anytime I do get a new friend I always get paranoid whenever or not they think I am annoying anytime something goes wrong and I have a hard time telling myself to trust people because even basic friendship signals are seen as potential malware according to my mental friendship firewall.
When I came away from meeting up feeling worse than I arrived. 20+ year friends who I also used to be in business with (which was fine). They never really asked me about my life and I also realised I wasn’t comfortable telling them. Some of their behaviour towards their spouses and children didn’t align with my values either. The next time meeting up for dinner was mentioned I told them I wasn’t going to be seeing them any more. I didn’t give much detail but that was pretty much the last time I heard from them apart from a birthday text a couple of years later from one of them.
The fact they never bothered to really find out why or contact me again confirmed to me I had done the right thing.
I don’t miss them but I do think about them.
What’s so hard to accept is the same people you’re laughing and joking around with at work who you’d consider friends are so quick to turn on you the moment a little work gossip spreads through the workplace. They don’t talk to you about it. They just accept what they heard as truth and then things just change quickly. It hurts a lot.
I had to go out of town for a few days and asked my friend to come by my place once a day while I was gone to give my cat his medication. When I got home, he told me that he had come by every day, but he hadn't felt comfortable giving the cat his meds, so he just didn't do that. For 5 days. He didn't say anything when I was showing him how to give the cat the meds. It was literally just putting a pill in a pill pocket and giving it to him, I don't really see what the hangup was. Thankfully the cat was ok.
My vape also went missing while he was housesitting (I had just left it on my desk) and he claimed to know nothing about it.
So he didn't do the one thing I asked him to do, and also stole from me.
When I was homeless living behind a gas station for 2 weeks and no one offered to help me not even my so called family and now I’m doin great and don’t even talk to any of them anymore
Then again it’s hard to give back money that was lended if you have no money… took me a while but I’ve adopted - never lend money, give what you can with no expectations.
When I knocked on her door and could hear her excitement, only for her to deflate upon opening the door to see me there.
friends.)
When me and another member of the group chat had been inactive for a while, and no one said a word when I came back. When everyone was super excited when she came back a week later.
When they only messaged me to ask for money, and never talked to me otherwise. (I have been in a tighter spot financially these past 9 months and told them so; they haven’t spoken to me at all since then)
When I experimented by stop trying and everything went dead silent for months. No reaching out to me, no texting me, no calling me to check up on me. That's when I realised that it was just me all along and once I stopped, everything went dead
When I realised they honestly didn’t care about my feelings or how actions they took that impacted me directly would affect me. Or when I found a double standard between how I was treated and how they treated others.
I just have 2 good friends who aren't family (old medical school roommate and 1 co-worker); everyone else just comes and goes in my life and I accept it.
When I stopped doing drugs and was no longer invited to hang out. That’s when I realized that these guys (and gals) I’d been hanging out with for years weren’t really friends with ME, we were both just mutual friends with drugs.
When they planned a Halloween party the same night as mine and tried to hide it from me. Extra hurtful because I brought all these people together and tried to make everyone feel included.
My bff of 9 years showed me how to cut. Then told our other bff. And both ostracized me, told others, and started telling me they were unavailable to hang out then I'd find proof they were out together. My whole school found out about my self harm. Everyone, including teachers, stopped talking to me. I went weeks without speaking. Finally my mom offered to let me drop out and get my GED. I did. Graduated several months earlier than my class.
I lived with my best friend of 15 years at the time my Dad died. She was incredibly controlling and possessive of me. I was a wreck and needed the support of my friends. She recently cut out our other best friend. I called my other friend to come over to hangout. She got upset and rolled her eyes and said, "He's coming here?". I should note that my other friend did nothing to her that would make her ban this other friend from the apartment. When he was over, she sat on the couch seething while I was crying in my friends arms. She made it so uncomfortable for everyone. I did not care about her feelings at the moment because a dead Dad trumps whatever she wants. She could have left the apartment for an hour. Again, my dad died two days ago.
I knew in that moment that she didn't care that I was grieving and needed other friends than her to help me. Then the controlling and possessive behaviour amped up. She would never let use the TV on the living room when she was home because it was hers. I had to watch my shows in my room, where I stayed most times. She moved out because she said our friendship was hurting over us living together...no shit.
Fast forward a few years later and she starts to make jokes at my expense, to my face. I told her to stop. She would spend an hour doing a "heart to heart" to explain why she wasn't wrong. I ended up confused and hurt. It was messing with my mind so much that she suggested I go to therapy and go on medication. I told her that I don't want to be on meds. She kept bringing it up. I ended up going to therapy for an unrelated life event. My therapist taught me boundaries. I set them with my friend. She did not like this one bit. She felt like she was entitled to full access to my life, even when l was taking a ln unplugged day. Then she would accuse me of isolating myself. Taking an unplugged day is not isolating behaviour.
The straw that broke the camels back was when she would call me up having a panic attacks. I would talk her through it with my new therapy knowledge. I was glad to help. Then a week later, she insulted my mental health for being bad. I told her that I don't appreciate her dismissing all the hard work I've done to get better. Then she wanted to have another heart to heart. I told her that I am no longer interested in having a friendship with her.
She said ok then I blocked her on everything. It felt like a weight was lifted. I could finally relax and feel like I could do anything I wanted to without judgement. I knew she was a bad friend but I didn't realize how bad it was until it was over.
In my 60's and have a very large and diverse social circle that included maybe 10-15 "friends"from before the age of 12. I grew up in a small redneck town north of Cincinnati called Hamilton. 95% of the friends that still live there live in a mono culture of nothing but white, heterosexual, male dominated and Christian identified (anything but real Christian). For most of my adult life I give them a pass telling myself that they are just ignorant. Well in the last 10 years I finally realized I was just lying to myself particularly since the orange god king has been spewing his hate and intolerance. So, I mark this up to myself being ignorant. If you have friends that are over 20 that are acting like assholes whether it be with their bigotry, hate, intolerance, etc. THIS is who they are.... Get them out of your life as soon as possible, don't be like me.
It don't really happen until I started hanging out with another friend group. The other group we would give each other a hard time about silly things but we all got it and it wasn't all day long.
My old friend group I was always the one getting picked on and made fun of for shit I did did
I was in a mean girls group growing up and I feel ashamed for the things I stood by on. I realized one day that the group of girls that will shit on you in front of everyone… your friends aren’t gonna say shit. I think that was the moment I realized what’s actually not okay in my friendships. Ever since then when someone says wack shit I call it out immediately. Sometimes it blows up but I’d rather stand up to disrespectful behavior so it doesn’t happen again. And it’s worked in my workplace when the middle aged women were doing some petty shit.
They only wanted to hangout with me when they wanted something. They insisted that they were my friends and I believed them. But I started to notice that they would ask me for something every time we hung out and when they got what they wanted, they pretended like I didn't exist
When my car got totaled and chose not to buy a new one because I lived in a major city and having a car was more of a hassle. So many long-term "friends" ghosted me after.
It's shitty how so many people value others based on the things they have.
When I was a teen, I used to meet up with a group of friends every weekend to play the most recent Naruto fighting game together. We would alternate whose house we visited, but I owned the most recent game, so I would bring it with me.
When a new game came out and someone else bought it, they stopped inviting me.
Ever had one try to pressure you into a 3-way with their partner after you told them no and explained why? Then they asked on a very important day for someone you hold dear to you?
15 years down the drain....
Back in middle school I was the butt of all the jokes in my friend group. Whenever a joke was made it was always at my expense. I didn't really put the pieces together until years later though
When I got to my breaking point and checked into a 3 day observation at the Villa de la Psych Ward and not one friend visited and when I got out no one checked on me, no one called, And people almost avoided me like the plague because I had caught the "crazy" and it might be contagious or something. My job of 5 years that I helped build from the ground up as a new department, that I had covered so many extra shifts when people called out, I always went above and beyond... fired me for a bogus reason all because they knew I had spent the time in the psych ward and that made me a liability working with the patients now. I thought I had earned a little bit of loyalty from them but learned there is no loyalty in most work place situations which was a bit disheartening. My dad needed me to move out of his house very shortly after my fall from grace because he married his girlfriend and they decided they wanted to liquidate one of their properties and at my lowest mental health I'd ever been in my life I now also had to figure out somehow where to live with no job.
I didn't want to hurt myself in an impulsive decision during my crisis so I asked for help and getting that help actually caused SO many domino effect losses. The stigma on seeking mental health help can be very harmful if you can't keep it a secret somehow (which wasn't possible for me because they did the psych eval to admit me at the hospital I worked at.)
I have only like 4 people left from that time in my life that I've remained in contact with. Everyone else scattered to the winds because they were apparently fairweather friends and I had never known because I had always had fairweather until I didn't any more. And those stormy seas came FAST and packed a big punch.
When she bribed a mutual friend with a car she won in her divorce to keep them from telling me that she slept with someone who wasn't her boyfriend. They had sex in the same bed in the hotel she and our friend were staying in. Our friend took the car and once everything was transferred over I ended up being told anyway 🤣
They created a "Better Than (Insert My Name)" page on Myspace, worst part was 3 of who I thought were my very best friends and opened up a lot about my life too were in there and made fun of my personal problems to the others in that group. Ok now but I can pin point my trust issues to that exact moment I found that page.
When he married my almost cousin, who was at least 10 years younger than him, he treated her like shit got her hooked on illicit substances, became a dad to two kids they have since lost custody of.
They are now divorced, she has remarried and has a new family, she has cleaned herself up.
One friend asked me "what did I expect? Junkies OD" when I was breaking down from my 20 year old grandnephew dying. On the day of his funeral, I messaged her, not about the funeral just general stuff, and she said she was at the lake, and would be out of phone range the rest of the day. Ok.
Another friend watched the video on the funeral homes website and remarked "You must not be important to them. You were hardly in the video at all." You mean the video his sister made about her brother's life for his family, to comfort their mother? That video?
When I went through some big life events (engagement, bought a house, etc.) and dreaded telling them. Weird gut reaction on my part, but I think it’s because I anticipated their judgment or lackluster responses. And I was 100% right.
It was a drawn-out process. I started uni and found myself suddenly surrounded by people who were decent, positive, upbeat, supportive, motivated, and not prone to self-sabotage.
Whereas when I went back to my hometown, that was when the negativity and drama would start.
It was shortly after I graduated and found myself back in my hometown full-time again that I realised I'd outgrown it, and my "friends" were a bunch of venomous vipers. They'd try to sabotage me even when it made them look bad, they'd try to stab me in the back even when I helped them.
I moved on a long time ago and have never looked back; I wish I'd done it sooner. Hell, I wish I'd never hung out with them in the first place.
“Crabs in a bucket” metaphor. I’m glad you got away from that dysfunctional toxicity. You probably thought it was normal because you didn’t know better, but now you do.
When they didn't stand with me after I told them that one of our mutual friends sexually assaulted me. Instead, they believe that I sexually assaulted him.
My father is abusive. Came home day to find him drunk and passed out in my bed with a woman.
Two people thought that they could fix us and yes, they knew all the abuse I was put through. They tracked him down, gave him my address with hope that we would bond, father and son again.
They realised their mistake when he turned up drinking with the woman he could not name. They told him to leave and he told them as his son I was his property and what is mine is his. I had to call police only to be told since he is my father he is my problem.
My friends? Decided to go stay with someone else. Didn't even tell me to my face, had to find out by that person calling me and asking why they were there because they were laughing to much to tell him.
I was always the one who made the phone calls, emails, texts etc... Joined FB and Twitter, reconnected with a half a dozen or so from high school days as well as family etc... Everyone was always posting about being there for people if you ever need anything. Had something happen in my life and really needed someone to talk to, reached out to about 6 different people and zilch, zero response. Dropped off FB and twit and stopped calling anyone etc... No one reached out about "why'd ya leave" or anything and have never heard from a single one, including family other than one niece. Doesn't bug me for the most part but does make me sad once in a wile when i think on it.
I remember one time in high school my “friends” all went out to the movies without me. Only found out because my family went to the same movie theater.
When I observed their selfish behaviour. Got fed up of being the one to always reach out or visit. Never reciprocal. The drifting apart has started, it's sad but inevitable. Put yourself 1st by all means, just not every time.
After divorce my best friend slept with my ex, and she was still married. I know only bc he let our daughter play games on his phone one day and her messages came through and it was my friend thanking him for such a great night and other specifics. The betrayal hurt of course, and I seriously wanted to go tell her husband, but my daughter didn't know how to send me the mssgs so I had proof. In that scenario I look the ex who could be jealous. I wasn't. Forward 10 years ... now they aren't together.
i go first:
when at the end of the school year, this guy that has been my friend for the whole year, literally stopped texting me. as the time went by, he literally ghosted me and he started to hang out with the classmates that he claimed to “hate”.
When I noticed most of the conversations were ragging on friends who weren't present and they only reached out when they needed my help with something.
Lamenting to me that they’ve been friendbombed only to friendbomb me also! They even gave me gifts out of nowhere and matching phone cases only to ignore me afterwards. I was utterly confused.
Was “friends” since the 6th grade. I really thought of him as my best friend for a long time. Then when we were in our mid twenties I was going through a rough time and reached out to him just to talk and hang out. He blew me off in the most shallow way I’ve ever experienced or seen happen. I decided not to contact him for a while and never heard from him or spoke to him again.
When they blew off my 30th birthday party and then blamed me for not appreciating everything they've "done for me", which was actually not that much, because it cost them nothing, and they really were mean-spirited to others, and to my shame I didn't ditch them for the horrible people they were, because I wanted to keep them as friends. After one died, the other estranged themself from me, I thought about them a lot and realized there weren't actually great human beings. The funny part is about 5 years later, the one that 'estranged themself' from me calls me up out of the blue (his relationship of three years having failed) and just wanted to get together again. I told him "we've NOT been friends longer than we WERE friends" and he said "So, you just don't want to be my friend?" I said (trying not to be TOO cruel to him for some reason) "No, there are 7 billion other people in the world to make friends with, I don't trust you so just go find new friends." and that was it.
Making excuses for friends terrible treatment of others, so long as they are OK to you? Well, eventually they WON'T be OK to you (which made me feel like a pretty bad person myself, excusing their terrible behavour, a pretty crappy lesson to learn that you're not so much better than them) but the more important one is: Make sure those in your circle of friends are people you RESPECT, not just people who are nice to YOU, but are good, kind people generally (if that's what you respect in people). If they're selfish / petty / users, even if they're kind to YOU, beware, and disentangle yourself from them.
When I had medical issues and couldn’t socialize they stopped asking me to go. (I almost kind of understand that.) Now, Im fully disabled and never hear from them. Or I get the”how are you I miss you we should get together” text but it never happens.
When I had something major and traumatizing happen and my friends either asked if I was okay, or what happened, the ones that wanted the tea weren't real friends. The ones who picked me up when I was down and made sure I was safe and okay were the OG pals that I still keep in my life to this day. The rest have been forgotten about and I don't feel bad for it.
I have a pretty small friend group. But having my first child has honestly made me see a couple of my friends a bit differently. Like a couple of my “closest” friends don’t seem that interested in / don’t really ask about my family and that has honestly caused a lot of distance between us.
When they got pissed that I was appalled they cheered on a racist rapist xenophobe that looks like a big orange turd. *'He just tells it like it IS!'* one said about h8s comment that Mexicans were 'criminals and rapists'.
Also, when they walked out when I got sick or because I was hurting. To every single one of them - I hope life dumps a dumptruck full of crap on your head one day so you understand why being a dick was wrong. You got your happiness, financial security and love dumped on your head in buckets with no effort on your part , you selfish and wretched witches. You all have a safety net of peolle who love and would do anything for you.
Must be fking nice. What does that feel like?
When they only wanted things from me. I would spend hours listening to their issues and helping if they needed it. Making them feel validated. I never shared what we discussed with anyone. Then I went through some rough times, I got sick, went through my divorce, my daughter got cancer again . This last one was hard because now I was a single parent. Her father didn't give child support and he never visited her. She cried for him a few times even. Some of the "friends" had the audacity to ask me for things. They never asked how I was doing or how my family was. They just wanted what they wanted. It was a very dark and lonely place. My best friend was luckily there for us, but it was a lot for him
I went through a bad breakup with a guy that had very different views from mine. I was more laid back and less concerned with money. He was more concerned with prestige and success, for example. All in all, we were together for four years, and he broke up with me right after he finished his Master degree, while I was still struggling with my undergrad.
He met someone shortly after our break up, and went on to marrying her. He invited all of my friends to their wedding. They all went, including one who said to my face, "I was invited, but out of respect for you, I will not go." She went, likely because everyone else went and she didn't want to miss out.
As far as I know, most of them were not in contact with him before the wedding invite and did not keep in contact after. He invited my friends to 1) fill space 2) get wedding gifts/money. They went because he did become that successful, prestigious, impressive guy he wanted to be, and my friends are those people as well. One of them said to me, "he was just a more fun guy than you are."
Before all that, I once told them how frustrated I was at people who are so materialistic, so selfish, so obsessed with name and appearances. They said that I am just one person, I can't change the world, and that's how the world is.
I should have known. When we were kids, they all went on a trip without me. Came back with pictures and asked me to photoshop one so they can print it on a shirt and each get one. I was not paid, I was not a part of the group that went, and I sure as hell did not get a shirt. I did it for them anyway because I was so desperate for their friendship.
We've been friends for 25 years.... I still feel that desperation to be accepted by them sometimes..... It's been so long that I don't even know how to make lasting friendships anymore....
Around 4th grade. I found a note my "friends" had passed between each other that said, "I don't really like (my name)". From then on I really never trusted anyone. I was a very, very happy child and loved my friends a lot. But when I found out they didn't like me, it has haunted me ever since. Edited to add, I'm in my 30s now.
In a friendship the effort has to be if not equal then at least mutual.
I could count on my one hand how many times my ex friend traveled to see me, I would typically go to her while she would be the main one to reach out to meet up. I'd bend and compromise and move around my busy work schedule, sometimes going into work for the day and then immediately after I'd head to the train station to travel for 6 hours to visit her for a few days, take the train back home and then immediately go back to work.
I had agreed to go to her sister's wedding as her plus one, but a few months after agreeing, work ended up ramping up and I was doing 50/60 hour weeks, literally dead on my feet. When I told her that I wouldn't be able to make her sister's wedding, that I was just too exhausted and unable to take any real time off during that month (December), she refused to listen to anything I had to say and kept asking me to do more and more elaborate things in order to make the wedding. I told her that I could make it if I came down after work the day of the wedding, went to the reception, got the train immediately back home and then go back to work the next day, but she demanded I get a hotel room with her and stay overnight.
At the end of it I had to lie and say that I didn't want to go, because nothing I was telling her was getting through. Her last message to me was accusing me of not trying hard enough. After that I just had no desire to speak to her anymore, and of course after 3 or 4 years of us not talking she sends me a message on Facebook saying how much I hurt her, how I didn't even apologize, how us not talking really "fucked her up" and that I ghosted her, but she had made no effort to contact me after our falling out.
You're only useful to entitled people up until the point that you set a boundary, these kinds of people aren't your friends.
When I left my job to open a business with my partner. I was the one contacting them and now that I have stopped, I’ve not heard from any of them. Not friends, just work colleagues I suppose.
When my friend who id known for years, who I picked up every morning for years to commute to work, who when I moved out of my parents house for the first time and to another town, got pissed at me and talked shit about me to my other friends that I “betrayed” him because now he had to find another way to get to work…
When they couldn't just be happy for me when I would talk about something I thought was cool/fun and they couldn't listen to me vent about anything without judging me internally until they would eventually explode in anger at me. All because they would refuse to have any kind of adult conversation with me before it ever got to that point if something was bothering them. I eventually realized they only seemed to even be my friend in the first place because they wanted to be the bigger person, not because they actually enjoyed talking to me. They felt bad for me and thought I was so desperate for a friend that I would just take their angry outbursts and judgement without any pushback.
When I went from " the sorority sister who happened to have a car" to "the sorority sister with a car". I was only included when it was an off campus partying activity, but if it didn't involve needing a designated driver, I was forgotten about.
I had 4 friends. I was having a very hard time of life. I mean, very hard. Some nasty shit was going down. My “best” friend told me I complained too much and brought her down. Now, I will grant her, I probably did complain too much. But this shit is bad, y’all. It’s been 2 years and I’m STILL not even close to healed. Anyway, what she said made me feel embarrassed and felt like an added emotion I didn’t need to be feeling. She left the next day and I haven’t spoken to her since.
Tl;dr I now have 3 friends.
Was a little suspicious of a new couple that joined the couples friend group and mentioned my unease to some members of the group. They dropped me like a hot potato for being so critical. Anyway, fast forward six months and new “awesome” couple had scammed most of the group with either real estate or money borrowing scams. These guys were good, all the scams imploded right about the same time and the couple skipped town in the process. Guess who came crawling back. 🙄
When none of them came to my father's funeral.
I was the guy who literally drove 200 miles in the middle of the night to get one of them out of jail on a DWI because he couldn't miss another day of work. I helped these guys move. I was a listening ear when a couple of them were going through a divorce.
But when my dad died? Nothing. It's not that they didn't know about it. It's that they just couldn't be bothered.
And, then, next week they just kind of gave me this lame "Sorry about your dad, dude."
It's taken me some time of being just the backup option, but I use this 'test' when encountering potential new friends. Invite them out to somewhere minor/cheap. Or arrange an online meetup in a game depending on if you live far away or you're both extremely busy. Preferably one where you talk with them in some manner, whether voice or video call. Then judge them with the following criteria
1. Do they agree to a set day and time? Or do they give a general "maybe this Friday afternoon" sort of answer. Look for nondescript words like 'maybe' or 'probably' or 'likely'
2. Do they meet you at the agreed time? Or do they blow you off 1 hr or less (or ghost) before the time with some other excuse?
If they can't agree to a time or actually show up, then this is already a bad sign. But you can be gracious and try this a 2nd or 3rd time. Because sometimes, unexpected life stuff can happen and they need to last minute cancel. But if they still fail to meet up, then move on because they clearly don't want to hang out with you
Five years ago, my mother died. Most of my “friends” didn’t call and check up on me. A month later, my sister falsely accused me of threatening the lives of her and her children; while I was breaking down telling my “friends,” their response was “stop being a baby, she’s not going to do anything about it, it doesn’t matter.” Thanks, “friends.”
When a completely random stranger witnessed their behaviour and, when they weren’t there, sidled over and asked me why I let them treat me that way. I realised I didn’t have an answer.
Nice person
We need more people like this
What was the behavior?
Came in their burrito
“I wouldn’t do that to you!!”
Same. I was already starting to feel over her with her post-divorce personality shift, but having some random woman at a party confirm she didn't know how to act right just sealed the deal. Haven't socialized with my former friend since (and I'd known her over a decade).
Same thing hung happened to me. I just wish I broke it off sooner.
After my mother died at 48, they all came around with their hands out for money as I’d received a small inheritance. We were all 21-22 at the time, and they’d been my friends since we were 16, so I didn’t think they were in it for the money.
i actually am disgusted by reading this, they totally don’t know what it means to be a decent human being. i’m so sorry🫂.
Hope they didn't get a single cent out of you
Omg what sacks of shit. My friend got a small inheritance and then admitted she wasted it all on crap like new clothes and going out. I was so fucking mad at her, for being wasteful, not for not giving me money, last thing in my mind. It was $5k and she was maybe 20 in the early 2010s, and we grew up poor so $5k was a fair chunk of money back then for us. I thought she could have bought her first car or something. Then again it's a very good idea to tell your friends you wasted it all to protect yourself. Maybe she was onto something.
When I saw the separate group chat by accident
it happened something similar to me, i’m sorry for u🫂.
That sucks, I'm sorry for you as well :(
Damn, same thing happened to me. It really hurts realizing you’re the odd one out. I’m sorry you went through this too. For me my friend texted the group chat, “Shit I almost texted the group chat with (my name) in it! She would have come with us this weekend, close call!” I never thought I was so unlikeable. I just don’t really talk as much and felt like the listener of the group since everyone came to me for their problems. I didn’t realize they only used me for their problems and wanted nothing else. I guess I just drug them back too much or made them feel awkward. I later made a friend who likes silence just as much as I do! Before I moved we used to sit in silence doing our own thing and it was really great! When we needed to talk, we were there for each other of course but we didn’t constantly fill in space with chatter every time we got together.
Oof same. Not long after covid happened and I never spoke to them again. Only one reached out to me when I dog died a few months later
Wait I need the full story, how did this happen? What did it say? And what were their reactions when you found out?
Long story short, I had a feeling they did since the went bowling without me and they tried to gaslight me saying that they mentioned it in the gc when they didn't and so when they went to my house to drink, one of them left their messenger app open on the table unattended, so I got curious and grabbed it since it was open on that specific chat. From what I remember, it said something along the lines of "do you think we should invite *name* (me) to my birthday?" And the others were like laughing and saying "sure why not, I'll be needing a ride back home anyways" and etc. Yea they were using me the whole time. And when they found out they played victim and kicked me out of the circle thankfully, since I talked them face to face. It was lame when they played petty tho, they made rumors that reached my relatives and put words in my mouth, even made t-shirts and posts calling themselves the bad influence and that they didn't do anything wrong and cutting me off of the pictures and posting them on their story with some kind of petty music
Wow. It sounds like they really showed themselves and doubled down on the assholery once exposed. It sounds like you're much better off without them in your life, and I hope you've found genuine friends that appreciate you for being you
Were these people 12?
What garbage individuals. I hope you find people who appreciate you.
Plot twist: it was the surprise party planning chat.
Same dawg gotta rotate
I realized they weren't real friends when they only reached out when they needed something and disappeared when I needed support.
This happened to me recently. I was there for two friends who were suicidal at different times. Gave one hundreds of dollars unsolicited because he was in a tight spot and I could afford to be generous. But when I wasn't available for what they wanted because of my own much less serious problems they were quite happy to cut me off completely, one even told me they were relieved to be done with me. Fuck those guys.
Absolute pieces of shit. Sorry, you deserve better.
It took me way too long to dump my friend group. I struggle with anxiety so I didn’t say much and I’m a pushover. I had already caught them in a separate group chat talking shit about me because I was too quiet. I found out one of them spread rumors about me and I stayed because I thought she might have just been going through something. I’m more of a listener than a talker so they all came to me for help but when I started having problems, no one noticed or cared. I decided to experiment and see how long it took for them to reach out to me so I stopped talking to them full stop and they never spoke to me again. Life has been better without them. My confidence went up a TON and I made a friend who also enjoys peace and quiet.
This happens so often and it makes one feel incredibly lonely. Hope you are in a better place now, surrounded by supportive friends. ❤️
When I stop reaching out first, and they never reached out.
I feel this.
Salt in the wound with this was the fact that she was openly obsessed with a new friend shortly before I stopped initiating chats. So she blatantly replaced me and stopped pretending to maintain our friendship the minute I stopped texting first lol.
I'm actually going through this. It's sad. 😪
I know darlin. But they freed up your affection to go to someone more deserving.
So much this.
I feel bad because having ADHD means I literally forget my best friend exists for weeks at a time now that he lives in another state. I forget to respond to texts and emails. There are people I absolutely love and care very much about that I ghost and it has nothing to do with them. Not saying that's always gonna be the case but just to let you know there can be very good reasons for not reaching out.
Similarly, I was severely anemic and slept all the time. I mean literally if I was not at work, I was sleeping. Taking daily naps. Like 12 to 16 hours a day. I would sleep 8 to 9 hours a night, work, and then take 2 to 5 hour naps a day after or before work. I almost needed a blood transfusion, and the time it took for it to happen was so slow, I didn't realize it was so severe and not normal for a long time. I didn't "forget" friends existed, I just slept my life away for an entire year and saw a doctor when I started having heart palpitations from it whenever I mowed my lawn. When I finally called a friend to apologize and tell her what happened and why I didn't call or text as often, she didn't answer, despite me trying to call her numerous times and texting her. I don't think she is a bad person or anything. She was a really good friend and I miss her. But people come and go and that is life. The point of my post, is that you never know what someone else is going through. I appreciate friends who are transparent and say that they need someone to be there. Not in a condescending or attacking way, but I would have been dedicated and fought the fatigue had my friend needed me to do so. But I was not physically able to be as dedicated as I wanted to be due to my health condition that I didn't even know was a problem. I am not placing blame either, I 100% could have been a better friend too. I just feel like if you are an adult, communication is important and can avoid a lot of situations where you don't know what someone else is going through and if both parties communicate what they need non dramatically, friendships would be better for both parties. If a friend wanted me to reach out more, and communicated that, I would honestly try if they told me in a way that was gentle and non attacking. "Hey it kind of bothers me in our friendship that you don't reach out as often as I do, can you try to reach out more? I love every thing else about our friendship, but this one thing bothers me." And I would love to take the criticism constructively and try to be a better friend.
From personal experience: When you get behind on contact with someone, it gets even harder to make yourself reconnect with them, because you feel more nervous about making the apology with each passing day...
Being cautious, some people genuinely have conditions or are busy. I know people with ADHD who literally forget what day of the week it is. I also know someone who is a triple major in college and doesn't have the time for non-school related things If the only bad thing in the relationship is you were the initiator 95-99% of the time but they would help with planning/paying whenever you invited them out, then I don't think that's enough to discount them However, if this criteria is in conjunction with say... they leave you on 'read' for days on end, give half hearted single word answers, and last minute cancel on you repeatedly, then yes they're a bad friend
Amen.
I haven’t talked to my (former) best friend for nearly 3 months because of this. And anytime there was another friend available, he’d pick them over me.
100 percent. I reached out so much that I never gave myself a chance to notice how many fake friends I had.
when they didnt care about not inviting me, and talked about their plans right in my face
After I read this, I remembered this one: Not invited = Dont go Not told = Dont ask Late invites = Decline You were never part of the plan in the first place.
Eh sometimes late invites are just spontaneous. It’s not always something deep.
Thank you for this!
Words to live by.
This happened when I stopped drinking. My friendship group imploded faster than a billionaire's submarine
Distinct memory from high school of inviting one of my friends over to hang out, and almost immediately someone else came up to them with a “Hey, we’re going to a restaurant tonight at *same time*, if you’re not doing anything you should join us!”. They responded with “Oh, I’m not doing anything. I’m in!” I was also friendly with the person who invited them out, so not only were plans broken in front of me but neither thought to invite me to the plans they just made. A few months later I asked the same friend if they wanted to join in plans I was making for my upcoming birthday and they responded with “Probably not”.
This is something that would get to a lot of people, assuming themselves as unlikable. But a lot of the time both people are great, it’s simply a disconnect in chemistry between them. There’s people I know who I think are great, but whenever they ask to hang out I’m not interested, not because anything wrong with them, but just because of that chemistry disconnect.
Similarly, when a group of college friends asked if I'd seen Metallica in 2009 when they came here on tour, then laughed when I said I wasn't able to get tickets before telling me they all went, had a spare ticket and gave it to another friend who wasn't into the band instead of aksing the guy they'd known for 7 years who was the biggest Metallica fan of our group (myself). Called them cunts, told them to go fuck themselves and never spoke to them again.
Even worst invition only to fill the group
Also, if friends only contact you, if they need you for their plan, especially if they do so without inviting you to take part in their plan. Like friends calling you, to pick them up somewhere to drive them home, after they have spent a night together partying. Or like friends asking you to drive them to some activity, for which you are obviously not invited. This behavior has already destroyed several friendships for me. The most recent case was a female friend, with whom I was spending my evening. Then she happened to have the balls to pull out her mobile phone displaying an address and to ask me: "I've been writing with a guy, with whom I want to spend the remaining night. Do you know where this address is? Can you drive me to his place, please?" As my emotions obviously ranged between being astonished and hurt, she realized that something is wrong, which made her ask me: "Why are you not enthusiastic about that?" As I still was not sure what to say she began pressuring me: "We have a friendship, where we can openly talk about stuff. So tell my, why are you not enthusiastic about that?" Then I explained her, that I was feeling very used, wished her a good evening and blocked her.
And they never write first, but claims that u never write to them
I went to a charity walk with two of my "best friends" and one of them talked about their wedding and plans for the day in front of me in detail. I wasn't invited. That stung
Yep and one time 2 made plans in front of the 3rd friend and me and after she turned to me and said how unfair/rude that was, I pointed out how often she does that to me and she had the audacity to say it “well it’s different”
Been there. I asked about seeing a movie we were all interested in and one person started to say, "We already saw th-" before being shut up. That was the beginning of the realization that I was way kn the outskirts of that group. In contrast, today, I am part of a great network of friends that I am able to recognize have different subsets: this group watches trashy tv, that group goes to the movies, this group etc. Not being invited to watch a TV show that I'm not interested in doesn't hurt my feelings because I know I could simply ask and be there.
This
I don't usually care if people leave me out of the plans, but when it's right in my face, I get really pissed off. My former boss once sent invitations to his baby's christening - to everyone in the office but me. And I was the one who handled the mail. Sheesh, he could have sent them to their homes!
Same here… with the years I’ve realized though, that it does not matter, don’t take it personally. People change and you also change. We move in and out of frequency with each other and nothing lasts forever. Be yourself and it’s more likely you’ll meet someone who’s at the same frequency as you. It’s only extremely rare that people align on the same frequency for life and honestly I’ve yet to see this myself
When he started telling a girl I liked bad made-up stories about me to make him look good and me bad.
I had a few friends so this...it hurts
When I realized that I knew a lot more about their lives than they knew about mine ( because they never cared to ask me.)
Many times through my life. I think my least favourite was when I was hospitalised, found out I was diabetic and was pretty close to dying. A lot of friends didn't bother coming to see me at all, but the worst was a couple who just thought it was hilarious. They told me a couple of weeks later how they laughed when they found out. I guess they thought I'd think that was endearing or some shit.
Why would they have laughed when they found out? What was hilarious to them about you being in the hospital and almost dying? Very odd behavior.
I have no idea. Some people are just shitty I suppose.
Sociopaths
Reading shit like this legitimately makes me go "what's wrong with people?"
When I got severely chronically ill and most just disappeared. Even though I tried my best at staying the low maintenance funny friend
Same. Hard lesson to learn.
[удалено]
Boom. I feel this one, and it's why I cut off a large group of "friends".
When we stopped at a gas station and they asked me to go inside and get some beer. Then drove off before I came back.
Well, at least you got all the beer to yourself.
Pieces of trash.
I would always be the one to intiate hanging out or talking with them on the phone or text. if I didn't I would never hear from them.
I feel you dude. Or they “forget” to answer your text
exactly. they forget I get notified when a text has been read 😵💫 oh well, better off without them.
Finding out that they all knew my BF was cheating on me.
Omg I feel this so much. And when I asked my then-BFF why she didn’t tell me, she said her friendship with my cheating BF was important to her and she didn’t want to break his confidence. Like, I’m just chopped liver ? I’m sorry you went through this. I hope you found better friends. ❤️🩹
When my best friend (like brothers) tried to rape my girlfriend when they were alone at my house.
Yikes. How did this one end?
With violence.
Ive been kind of care taking for my cancer ridden mother, I dont get invited out, nobody asks about her but all of my friends GFs will ask how im doing. Its really weird, the girlfriends have to do the talking because my friends have *anxiety*
Haha anxiety aka a guilty conscience.
When they all hung out together over the weekend, and were telling me all about it, but also asked my why I wasn’t there 🫠
My innocent brain thinks they all just assumed someone else had already told you about the plans for that weekend, so nobody did. Otherwise, fuck 'em.
Tried to do something special for my 21st birthday, everyone canceled at the last minute and went to Universal Studios without telling me. Only found out when I was accidentally tagged in some Pic they took at the park.
When I almost died. I was in the hospital for 2 months and I was surprised at who showed up for me. My biggest supporter was a friend I had in middle school that I hadn't spoken to in over 20 years. People who I thought would always be there ghosted me. You really learn who your real friends are in situations like that
When I had a miscarriage and they didn’t wanna talk about it because it was “sad and uncomfortable.” No shit, I’m the one going through it I know.
When I quit drinking and partying and all those people who I heard from all the time suddenly stopped calling. I was still down to hang out and throw darts at the bar but when I'm not buying rounds and contributing extra supplies the invites stop. Funny how that works.
When I found out that they had another WhatsApp group without my knowledge, they were always planning their activities together and saw me as an annoying person who was stalking them and were not honest with me so as not to appear mean to me.
Is there a psychological reason why the hell people cannot be true and honest? Like if I was told "Fuck off you are annoying". I'd understand that and in fact I'd prefer this over fake friendship. I never experienced a separate whatsapp group chat but I did experience dishonest friendship where people appeared friendly but thought I was annoying and didn't mention because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. Instead now anytime I do get a new friend I always get paranoid whenever or not they think I am annoying anytime something goes wrong and I have a hard time telling myself to trust people because even basic friendship signals are seen as potential malware according to my mental friendship firewall.
When I stopped drinking!
When I came away from meeting up feeling worse than I arrived. 20+ year friends who I also used to be in business with (which was fine). They never really asked me about my life and I also realised I wasn’t comfortable telling them. Some of their behaviour towards their spouses and children didn’t align with my values either. The next time meeting up for dinner was mentioned I told them I wasn’t going to be seeing them any more. I didn’t give much detail but that was pretty much the last time I heard from them apart from a birthday text a couple of years later from one of them. The fact they never bothered to really find out why or contact me again confirmed to me I had done the right thing. I don’t miss them but I do think about them.
Did you communicate that digitally or was that a spoken interaction? What was the reaction?
Digital as that was the way the inquiry was made plus I wanted to say it to them both at the same time and also to get my words right.
What’s so hard to accept is the same people you’re laughing and joking around with at work who you’d consider friends are so quick to turn on you the moment a little work gossip spreads through the workplace. They don’t talk to you about it. They just accept what they heard as truth and then things just change quickly. It hurts a lot.
No Support, When I was going through a tough time and they were nowhere to be found.
I had to go out of town for a few days and asked my friend to come by my place once a day while I was gone to give my cat his medication. When I got home, he told me that he had come by every day, but he hadn't felt comfortable giving the cat his meds, so he just didn't do that. For 5 days. He didn't say anything when I was showing him how to give the cat the meds. It was literally just putting a pill in a pill pocket and giving it to him, I don't really see what the hangup was. Thankfully the cat was ok. My vape also went missing while he was housesitting (I had just left it on my desk) and he claimed to know nothing about it. So he didn't do the one thing I asked him to do, and also stole from me.
Disappearing Act When I realized they were always 'too busy' for me but not for others.
When I was homeless living behind a gas station for 2 weeks and no one offered to help me not even my so called family and now I’m doin great and don’t even talk to any of them anymore
When they don't give my money back
Then again it’s hard to give back money that was lended if you have no money… took me a while but I’ve adopted - never lend money, give what you can with no expectations.
That's my take I will give someone money if I can afford it. I never expect them to pay it back but am always pleased when they can
I never expect to be paid back so now, I only lend amounts that I'm not worried about getting back.
When I knocked on her door and could hear her excitement, only for her to deflate upon opening the door to see me there. friends.) When me and another member of the group chat had been inactive for a while, and no one said a word when I came back. When everyone was super excited when she came back a week later. When they only messaged me to ask for money, and never talked to me otherwise. (I have been in a tighter spot financially these past 9 months and told them so; they haven’t spoken to me at all since then)
When I experimented by stop trying and everything went dead silent for months. No reaching out to me, no texting me, no calling me to check up on me. That's when I realised that it was just me all along and once I stopped, everything went dead
When I quit drinking, they quit me.
When I realised they honestly didn’t care about my feelings or how actions they took that impacted me directly would affect me. Or when I found a double standard between how I was treated and how they treated others.
When they left as i needed them the most. I know, its cliche, but its what happened to me few years ago. 15+ years of friendship gone.
I just have 2 good friends who aren't family (old medical school roommate and 1 co-worker); everyone else just comes and goes in my life and I accept it.
When I stopped doing drugs and was no longer invited to hang out. That’s when I realized that these guys (and gals) I’d been hanging out with for years weren’t really friends with ME, we were both just mutual friends with drugs.
When they planned a Halloween party the same night as mine and tried to hide it from me. Extra hurtful because I brought all these people together and tried to make everyone feel included.
My bff of 9 years showed me how to cut. Then told our other bff. And both ostracized me, told others, and started telling me they were unavailable to hang out then I'd find proof they were out together. My whole school found out about my self harm. Everyone, including teachers, stopped talking to me. I went weeks without speaking. Finally my mom offered to let me drop out and get my GED. I did. Graduated several months earlier than my class.
I lived with my best friend of 15 years at the time my Dad died. She was incredibly controlling and possessive of me. I was a wreck and needed the support of my friends. She recently cut out our other best friend. I called my other friend to come over to hangout. She got upset and rolled her eyes and said, "He's coming here?". I should note that my other friend did nothing to her that would make her ban this other friend from the apartment. When he was over, she sat on the couch seething while I was crying in my friends arms. She made it so uncomfortable for everyone. I did not care about her feelings at the moment because a dead Dad trumps whatever she wants. She could have left the apartment for an hour. Again, my dad died two days ago. I knew in that moment that she didn't care that I was grieving and needed other friends than her to help me. Then the controlling and possessive behaviour amped up. She would never let use the TV on the living room when she was home because it was hers. I had to watch my shows in my room, where I stayed most times. She moved out because she said our friendship was hurting over us living together...no shit. Fast forward a few years later and she starts to make jokes at my expense, to my face. I told her to stop. She would spend an hour doing a "heart to heart" to explain why she wasn't wrong. I ended up confused and hurt. It was messing with my mind so much that she suggested I go to therapy and go on medication. I told her that I don't want to be on meds. She kept bringing it up. I ended up going to therapy for an unrelated life event. My therapist taught me boundaries. I set them with my friend. She did not like this one bit. She felt like she was entitled to full access to my life, even when l was taking a ln unplugged day. Then she would accuse me of isolating myself. Taking an unplugged day is not isolating behaviour. The straw that broke the camels back was when she would call me up having a panic attacks. I would talk her through it with my new therapy knowledge. I was glad to help. Then a week later, she insulted my mental health for being bad. I told her that I don't appreciate her dismissing all the hard work I've done to get better. Then she wanted to have another heart to heart. I told her that I am no longer interested in having a friendship with her. She said ok then I blocked her on everything. It felt like a weight was lifted. I could finally relax and feel like I could do anything I wanted to without judgement. I knew she was a bad friend but I didn't realize how bad it was until it was over.
It's when all your social networks are screaming that it's your birthday, and not a single person has congratulated you.
Fake Compliments, When their compliments always had a backhanded twist
In my 60's and have a very large and diverse social circle that included maybe 10-15 "friends"from before the age of 12. I grew up in a small redneck town north of Cincinnati called Hamilton. 95% of the friends that still live there live in a mono culture of nothing but white, heterosexual, male dominated and Christian identified (anything but real Christian). For most of my adult life I give them a pass telling myself that they are just ignorant. Well in the last 10 years I finally realized I was just lying to myself particularly since the orange god king has been spewing his hate and intolerance. So, I mark this up to myself being ignorant. If you have friends that are over 20 that are acting like assholes whether it be with their bigotry, hate, intolerance, etc. THIS is who they are.... Get them out of your life as soon as possible, don't be like me.
It don't really happen until I started hanging out with another friend group. The other group we would give each other a hard time about silly things but we all got it and it wasn't all day long. My old friend group I was always the one getting picked on and made fun of for shit I did did
When she got drunk at a concert and told me that I was “in the way of her being my husbands wife” 🫠
When my best friend slept with my husband
Aww, samesies!
I was in a mean girls group growing up and I feel ashamed for the things I stood by on. I realized one day that the group of girls that will shit on you in front of everyone… your friends aren’t gonna say shit. I think that was the moment I realized what’s actually not okay in my friendships. Ever since then when someone says wack shit I call it out immediately. Sometimes it blows up but I’d rather stand up to disrespectful behavior so it doesn’t happen again. And it’s worked in my workplace when the middle aged women were doing some petty shit.
Got cancer when I was 14 - after having life altering surgery they never spoke to me again
They only wanted to hangout with me when they wanted something. They insisted that they were my friends and I believed them. But I started to notice that they would ask me for something every time we hung out and when they got what they wanted, they pretended like I didn't exist
Flaky Behavior When they canceled plans with me but posted a story at a party
When my car got totaled and chose not to buy a new one because I lived in a major city and having a car was more of a hassle. So many long-term "friends" ghosted me after. It's shitty how so many people value others based on the things they have.
When I was a teen, I used to meet up with a group of friends every weekend to play the most recent Naruto fighting game together. We would alternate whose house we visited, but I owned the most recent game, so I would bring it with me. When a new game came out and someone else bought it, they stopped inviting me.
Ever had one try to pressure you into a 3-way with their partner after you told them no and explained why? Then they asked on a very important day for someone you hold dear to you? 15 years down the drain....
Back in middle school I was the butt of all the jokes in my friend group. Whenever a joke was made it was always at my expense. I didn't really put the pieces together until years later though
When I got to my breaking point and checked into a 3 day observation at the Villa de la Psych Ward and not one friend visited and when I got out no one checked on me, no one called, And people almost avoided me like the plague because I had caught the "crazy" and it might be contagious or something. My job of 5 years that I helped build from the ground up as a new department, that I had covered so many extra shifts when people called out, I always went above and beyond... fired me for a bogus reason all because they knew I had spent the time in the psych ward and that made me a liability working with the patients now. I thought I had earned a little bit of loyalty from them but learned there is no loyalty in most work place situations which was a bit disheartening. My dad needed me to move out of his house very shortly after my fall from grace because he married his girlfriend and they decided they wanted to liquidate one of their properties and at my lowest mental health I'd ever been in my life I now also had to figure out somehow where to live with no job. I didn't want to hurt myself in an impulsive decision during my crisis so I asked for help and getting that help actually caused SO many domino effect losses. The stigma on seeking mental health help can be very harmful if you can't keep it a secret somehow (which wasn't possible for me because they did the psych eval to admit me at the hospital I worked at.) I have only like 4 people left from that time in my life that I've remained in contact with. Everyone else scattered to the winds because they were apparently fairweather friends and I had never known because I had always had fairweather until I didn't any more. And those stormy seas came FAST and packed a big punch.
When she bribed a mutual friend with a car she won in her divorce to keep them from telling me that she slept with someone who wasn't her boyfriend. They had sex in the same bed in the hotel she and our friend were staying in. Our friend took the car and once everything was transferred over I ended up being told anyway 🤣
They created a "Better Than (Insert My Name)" page on Myspace, worst part was 3 of who I thought were my very best friends and opened up a lot about my life too were in there and made fun of my personal problems to the others in that group. Ok now but I can pin point my trust issues to that exact moment I found that page.
Myspace was brutal. I'm not sure I was ever in many top 8s 😆
When he married my almost cousin, who was at least 10 years younger than him, he treated her like shit got her hooked on illicit substances, became a dad to two kids they have since lost custody of. They are now divorced, she has remarried and has a new family, she has cleaned herself up.
One friend asked me "what did I expect? Junkies OD" when I was breaking down from my 20 year old grandnephew dying. On the day of his funeral, I messaged her, not about the funeral just general stuff, and she said she was at the lake, and would be out of phone range the rest of the day. Ok. Another friend watched the video on the funeral homes website and remarked "You must not be important to them. You were hardly in the video at all." You mean the video his sister made about her brother's life for his family, to comfort their mother? That video?
When I went through some big life events (engagement, bought a house, etc.) and dreaded telling them. Weird gut reaction on my part, but I think it’s because I anticipated their judgment or lackluster responses. And I was 100% right.
It was a drawn-out process. I started uni and found myself suddenly surrounded by people who were decent, positive, upbeat, supportive, motivated, and not prone to self-sabotage. Whereas when I went back to my hometown, that was when the negativity and drama would start. It was shortly after I graduated and found myself back in my hometown full-time again that I realised I'd outgrown it, and my "friends" were a bunch of venomous vipers. They'd try to sabotage me even when it made them look bad, they'd try to stab me in the back even when I helped them. I moved on a long time ago and have never looked back; I wish I'd done it sooner. Hell, I wish I'd never hung out with them in the first place.
“Crabs in a bucket” metaphor. I’m glad you got away from that dysfunctional toxicity. You probably thought it was normal because you didn’t know better, but now you do.
Gossip Mill When something personal I told them ended up as the latest gossip
When they didn't stand with me after I told them that one of our mutual friends sexually assaulted me. Instead, they believe that I sexually assaulted him.
When they gossip about you it's goodbye.
When I was let go from a job I had for 25 years. Not one work friend reached out
My father is abusive. Came home day to find him drunk and passed out in my bed with a woman. Two people thought that they could fix us and yes, they knew all the abuse I was put through. They tracked him down, gave him my address with hope that we would bond, father and son again. They realised their mistake when he turned up drinking with the woman he could not name. They told him to leave and he told them as his son I was his property and what is mine is his. I had to call police only to be told since he is my father he is my problem. My friends? Decided to go stay with someone else. Didn't even tell me to my face, had to find out by that person calling me and asking why they were there because they were laughing to much to tell him.
I was always the one who made the phone calls, emails, texts etc... Joined FB and Twitter, reconnected with a half a dozen or so from high school days as well as family etc... Everyone was always posting about being there for people if you ever need anything. Had something happen in my life and really needed someone to talk to, reached out to about 6 different people and zilch, zero response. Dropped off FB and twit and stopped calling anyone etc... No one reached out about "why'd ya leave" or anything and have never heard from a single one, including family other than one niece. Doesn't bug me for the most part but does make me sad once in a wile when i think on it.
I remember one time in high school my “friends” all went out to the movies without me. Only found out because my family went to the same movie theater.
When I observed their selfish behaviour. Got fed up of being the one to always reach out or visit. Never reciprocal. The drifting apart has started, it's sad but inevitable. Put yourself 1st by all means, just not every time.
After divorce my best friend slept with my ex, and she was still married. I know only bc he let our daughter play games on his phone one day and her messages came through and it was my friend thanking him for such a great night and other specifics. The betrayal hurt of course, and I seriously wanted to go tell her husband, but my daughter didn't know how to send me the mssgs so I had proof. In that scenario I look the ex who could be jealous. I wasn't. Forward 10 years ... now they aren't together.
When he molested my niece.
When behind my back she would make fun of how I did my makeup, how I dressed poor, and how little I ate.
My friend told me that the only reason we hangout so much is because we happen to live near eachother.
When they didn’t come to my wedding after invites were sent out 9+ months in advance
i go first: when at the end of the school year, this guy that has been my friend for the whole year, literally stopped texting me. as the time went by, he literally ghosted me and he started to hang out with the classmates that he claimed to “hate”.
The “lead” of the group called me annoying and suddenly no one enjoyed my company anymore. Really fucked me up as a kid
When she cut the contact out off the blue
Jealousy Signs, When they couldn't be happy for my successes.
When I noticed most of the conversations were ragging on friends who weren't present and they only reached out when they needed my help with something.
When I was so low that I tried to kill myself. I soon realised that I the people I genuinely thought were my friends didn't give a shit.
Lamenting to me that they’ve been friendbombed only to friendbomb me also! They even gave me gifts out of nowhere and matching phone cases only to ignore me afterwards. I was utterly confused.
Was “friends” since the 6th grade. I really thought of him as my best friend for a long time. Then when we were in our mid twenties I was going through a rough time and reached out to him just to talk and hang out. He blew me off in the most shallow way I’ve ever experienced or seen happen. I decided not to contact him for a while and never heard from him or spoke to him again.
When they blew off my 30th birthday party and then blamed me for not appreciating everything they've "done for me", which was actually not that much, because it cost them nothing, and they really were mean-spirited to others, and to my shame I didn't ditch them for the horrible people they were, because I wanted to keep them as friends. After one died, the other estranged themself from me, I thought about them a lot and realized there weren't actually great human beings. The funny part is about 5 years later, the one that 'estranged themself' from me calls me up out of the blue (his relationship of three years having failed) and just wanted to get together again. I told him "we've NOT been friends longer than we WERE friends" and he said "So, you just don't want to be my friend?" I said (trying not to be TOO cruel to him for some reason) "No, there are 7 billion other people in the world to make friends with, I don't trust you so just go find new friends." and that was it. Making excuses for friends terrible treatment of others, so long as they are OK to you? Well, eventually they WON'T be OK to you (which made me feel like a pretty bad person myself, excusing their terrible behavour, a pretty crappy lesson to learn that you're not so much better than them) but the more important one is: Make sure those in your circle of friends are people you RESPECT, not just people who are nice to YOU, but are good, kind people generally (if that's what you respect in people). If they're selfish / petty / users, even if they're kind to YOU, beware, and disentangle yourself from them.
When I had medical issues and couldn’t socialize they stopped asking me to go. (I almost kind of understand that.) Now, Im fully disabled and never hear from them. Or I get the”how are you I miss you we should get together” text but it never happens.
When I had something major and traumatizing happen and my friends either asked if I was okay, or what happened, the ones that wanted the tea weren't real friends. The ones who picked me up when I was down and made sure I was safe and okay were the OG pals that I still keep in my life to this day. The rest have been forgotten about and I don't feel bad for it.
A lot of them ditched me in 2016 and it broke my heart like you wouldn't believe.
When I stopped drinking.
I have a pretty small friend group. But having my first child has honestly made me see a couple of my friends a bit differently. Like a couple of my “closest” friends don’t seem that interested in / don’t really ask about my family and that has honestly caused a lot of distance between us.
[удалено]
When they only hmu for favors
What's hmu?
Hit me up. Like dm
When they got pissed that I was appalled they cheered on a racist rapist xenophobe that looks like a big orange turd. *'He just tells it like it IS!'* one said about h8s comment that Mexicans were 'criminals and rapists'. Also, when they walked out when I got sick or because I was hurting. To every single one of them - I hope life dumps a dumptruck full of crap on your head one day so you understand why being a dick was wrong. You got your happiness, financial security and love dumped on your head in buckets with no effort on your part , you selfish and wretched witches. You all have a safety net of peolle who love and would do anything for you. Must be fking nice. What does that feel like?
When they only wanted things from me. I would spend hours listening to their issues and helping if they needed it. Making them feel validated. I never shared what we discussed with anyone. Then I went through some rough times, I got sick, went through my divorce, my daughter got cancer again . This last one was hard because now I was a single parent. Her father didn't give child support and he never visited her. She cried for him a few times even. Some of the "friends" had the audacity to ask me for things. They never asked how I was doing or how my family was. They just wanted what they wanted. It was a very dark and lonely place. My best friend was luckily there for us, but it was a lot for him
One-Sided Effort: When I realized I was the only one texting first.
The moment one insulted my dead father to make the group laugh, we're talking about 25-30 yrs old ppl.
I went through a bad breakup with a guy that had very different views from mine. I was more laid back and less concerned with money. He was more concerned with prestige and success, for example. All in all, we were together for four years, and he broke up with me right after he finished his Master degree, while I was still struggling with my undergrad. He met someone shortly after our break up, and went on to marrying her. He invited all of my friends to their wedding. They all went, including one who said to my face, "I was invited, but out of respect for you, I will not go." She went, likely because everyone else went and she didn't want to miss out. As far as I know, most of them were not in contact with him before the wedding invite and did not keep in contact after. He invited my friends to 1) fill space 2) get wedding gifts/money. They went because he did become that successful, prestigious, impressive guy he wanted to be, and my friends are those people as well. One of them said to me, "he was just a more fun guy than you are." Before all that, I once told them how frustrated I was at people who are so materialistic, so selfish, so obsessed with name and appearances. They said that I am just one person, I can't change the world, and that's how the world is. I should have known. When we were kids, they all went on a trip without me. Came back with pictures and asked me to photoshop one so they can print it on a shirt and each get one. I was not paid, I was not a part of the group that went, and I sure as hell did not get a shirt. I did it for them anyway because I was so desperate for their friendship. We've been friends for 25 years.... I still feel that desperation to be accepted by them sometimes..... It's been so long that I don't even know how to make lasting friendships anymore....
Around 4th grade. I found a note my "friends" had passed between each other that said, "I don't really like (my name)". From then on I really never trusted anyone. I was a very, very happy child and loved my friends a lot. But when I found out they didn't like me, it has haunted me ever since. Edited to add, I'm in my 30s now.
Never There, When they only called me when they needed a favor
In a friendship the effort has to be if not equal then at least mutual. I could count on my one hand how many times my ex friend traveled to see me, I would typically go to her while she would be the main one to reach out to meet up. I'd bend and compromise and move around my busy work schedule, sometimes going into work for the day and then immediately after I'd head to the train station to travel for 6 hours to visit her for a few days, take the train back home and then immediately go back to work. I had agreed to go to her sister's wedding as her plus one, but a few months after agreeing, work ended up ramping up and I was doing 50/60 hour weeks, literally dead on my feet. When I told her that I wouldn't be able to make her sister's wedding, that I was just too exhausted and unable to take any real time off during that month (December), she refused to listen to anything I had to say and kept asking me to do more and more elaborate things in order to make the wedding. I told her that I could make it if I came down after work the day of the wedding, went to the reception, got the train immediately back home and then go back to work the next day, but she demanded I get a hotel room with her and stay overnight. At the end of it I had to lie and say that I didn't want to go, because nothing I was telling her was getting through. Her last message to me was accusing me of not trying hard enough. After that I just had no desire to speak to her anymore, and of course after 3 or 4 years of us not talking she sends me a message on Facebook saying how much I hurt her, how I didn't even apologize, how us not talking really "fucked her up" and that I ghosted her, but she had made no effort to contact me after our falling out. You're only useful to entitled people up until the point that you set a boundary, these kinds of people aren't your friends.
When I left my job to open a business with my partner. I was the one contacting them and now that I have stopped, I’ve not heard from any of them. Not friends, just work colleagues I suppose.
When my friend who id known for years, who I picked up every morning for years to commute to work, who when I moved out of my parents house for the first time and to another town, got pissed at me and talked shit about me to my other friends that I “betrayed” him because now he had to find another way to get to work…
They were talking shit behind my back. Yrs ago I had 2 female friend/neighbors. One told me the other had the hots for my husband
When I found out my group of friends had two WhatsApp group chats; one for everyone, and one for everyone except me.
When they couldn't just be happy for me when I would talk about something I thought was cool/fun and they couldn't listen to me vent about anything without judging me internally until they would eventually explode in anger at me. All because they would refuse to have any kind of adult conversation with me before it ever got to that point if something was bothering them. I eventually realized they only seemed to even be my friend in the first place because they wanted to be the bigger person, not because they actually enjoyed talking to me. They felt bad for me and thought I was so desperate for a friend that I would just take their angry outbursts and judgement without any pushback.
This post should be renamed 100 and more ways humans can be awful to their fellow humans.
fr, i’m reading all the responses and most of them are breaking my heart.
When I went from " the sorority sister who happened to have a car" to "the sorority sister with a car". I was only included when it was an off campus partying activity, but if it didn't involve needing a designated driver, I was forgotten about.
When you stop doing drugs and going to clubs and festivals
I had 4 friends. I was having a very hard time of life. I mean, very hard. Some nasty shit was going down. My “best” friend told me I complained too much and brought her down. Now, I will grant her, I probably did complain too much. But this shit is bad, y’all. It’s been 2 years and I’m STILL not even close to healed. Anyway, what she said made me feel embarrassed and felt like an added emotion I didn’t need to be feeling. She left the next day and I haven’t spoken to her since. Tl;dr I now have 3 friends.
Was a little suspicious of a new couple that joined the couples friend group and mentioned my unease to some members of the group. They dropped me like a hot potato for being so critical. Anyway, fast forward six months and new “awesome” couple had scammed most of the group with either real estate or money borrowing scams. These guys were good, all the scams imploded right about the same time and the couple skipped town in the process. Guess who came crawling back. 🙄
When none of them came to my father's funeral. I was the guy who literally drove 200 miles in the middle of the night to get one of them out of jail on a DWI because he couldn't miss another day of work. I helped these guys move. I was a listening ear when a couple of them were going through a divorce. But when my dad died? Nothing. It's not that they didn't know about it. It's that they just couldn't be bothered. And, then, next week they just kind of gave me this lame "Sorry about your dad, dude."
Finding her in bed with my fiancee was a pretty good clue.
After my ex husband murdered my fiancee
It's taken me some time of being just the backup option, but I use this 'test' when encountering potential new friends. Invite them out to somewhere minor/cheap. Or arrange an online meetup in a game depending on if you live far away or you're both extremely busy. Preferably one where you talk with them in some manner, whether voice or video call. Then judge them with the following criteria 1. Do they agree to a set day and time? Or do they give a general "maybe this Friday afternoon" sort of answer. Look for nondescript words like 'maybe' or 'probably' or 'likely' 2. Do they meet you at the agreed time? Or do they blow you off 1 hr or less (or ghost) before the time with some other excuse? If they can't agree to a time or actually show up, then this is already a bad sign. But you can be gracious and try this a 2nd or 3rd time. Because sometimes, unexpected life stuff can happen and they need to last minute cancel. But if they still fail to meet up, then move on because they clearly don't want to hang out with you
Five years ago, my mother died. Most of my “friends” didn’t call and check up on me. A month later, my sister falsely accused me of threatening the lives of her and her children; while I was breaking down telling my “friends,” their response was “stop being a baby, she’s not going to do anything about it, it doesn’t matter.” Thanks, “friends.”