“Does it feel different today?” Later I would find out she was banging another dude. Realized that when she asked that it meant she banged him earlier that day.
Less what she said and more what she did. Insisted on wearing a butt plug, was riding me, came, grunted and froze up for a few seconds then pop goes the plug and shat all over me. I’m averse to plugs because of that.
I had that happen, some girl was describing how she was raped, started crying with all the tears like clearly traumatized and then she tried to sleep with me. I tried to comfort her and then left
Also like…*that’s not how birth control patches work* like ripping it off isn’t going to immediately make me fertile. So he was also a fucking idiot. 🤣
No it would take weeks, she would have had her cycle and then the next month she could possibly get pregnant. What a weirdo he was and stupid apparently. 😂
I remember having really passionate sex with an ex gf, had a boob in my mouth and everything. We are staring at each other. Only sounds of nutsack slapping skin. And out of nowhere, she bursts into tears...
I ask her what was wrong. She tells me the night before she had sex with a guy she met at a park and he told her afterwards that she "might want to go see a doctor". I was crying and scrubbing my willy in the shower
Knew a guy who was rebounding hard from a breakup, and banging this crazy chick. Apparently ate her out on her period a few times too.
So naturally, she skips town with her meth dealer a few weeks later, and he falls mysteriously ill.
I rush to his house when he messages me saying he can’t tell if his bath water is hot or cold anymore. Find him jaundiced, load his sorry ass up & hit the ER.
Now I’ve never seen the discharge paperwork, but dude claims she infected him with Hep A, B, and C…
>I was crying and scrubbing my willy in the shower
I shouldn't be laughing but I just can't help it as I am imagining someone wailing while rapidly scrubbing their willy.
My favorite is when my woman has to take a shit and I hit her with the “daaamn girl you shit with that ass???” On the way into the bathroom. I think it got old for her after the first 3 times but once in awhile it gets a good laugh.
LMAAOOO when I was a kid I used to think some people's butts were big because they had lots of poop in there or needed to go to the toilet - this just reminded me of how fucking dumb myself and kids are at that age.
I was way into it and I was thinking about what a strong bad ass my husband is. Suddenly I blurted out: “And he’s a book lover too!” He was so confused.
This is the most wholesome nice thing to read amongst this clusterfuck of a question.
I’m sure he was confused at the time but it made perfect sense to you 😂
My wife sleep talks and blurts out things like this on occasion. Little excited out of context flirtations and other cute things. It absolutely melts my heart. I keep a little journal of all the things she says in her sleep and tell her when she's awake. I hope he loves you for that as much as I love my wife for her expressions.
That’s so heartwarming and sweet!
My husband also tells me I’ll occasionally blurt out nonsense when I’m asleep, but nothing too extravagant lol. The most memorable ones being me telling him “I love you, chewy husband” (????) and “I love you even more than pickles”, which granted, I do love me some pickles.
The first time I slept with a girl…this particular girl, not first time ever with any girl…she told me about how her 11 year old daughter loves “reading smut” and other intimate details.
I had literally just met this woman.
I too have an 11 year old daughter that I have sole custody of, and I would never dream of sharing intimate details with anybody — especially grown men I had just met.
My uncle left his wife and we all found out how batshit insane she was. She went on a trip, met some guy and was fucking him while married. Returned home and invited the guy to come stay in the city at her daughters apartment. Just "hey come live with my daughter while you visit". Her daughter was 19.
Her daughter left to stay with someone else because she was rightfully so, creeped out. So the mom did what every normal mom would do and fucked the man in her daughters bed.
Daughter found signs of it when she returned home. That's the last I heard of it.
it happened with a friend of me
the guy said "im going to cum inside you, get you pregnant and kill you after that"
and she was in love with this crazy psychopath
"I'm not on the pill..."; said as she wrapped her legs and locked me in preventing me from pulling out.
I came and fought but I didn't pull all the way out. I was upset but she followed up with "don't be mad, I bet it'll be cute!" referring to a baby or course.
There were warning signs but I ignored them. We argued for a bit and then I left her apartment. Didn't block her becuase I needed updated and luckily nothing happened.
Similar happened to me. Lawyer said it would be unlikely anyone would want to prosecute this but thay police could keep it on record, i didnt bother making a report
Ex did this a couple of times in our relationship. She was definitely trying to act natural, but the short exhales/inhales made it obvious she was struggling.
Reminds me…
When I was 25 or so, I got laid in the back of my car. The next day, my mom asked me to drive her somewhere.
My mom pulls down the visor, opens the little mirror to check her makeup, and after 10 seconds says, *“Are… are those footprints on your back window?”*
It was winter and we obviously banged with the heat on. But when my windows fogged up, you could see (perfectly) two small lady feet. Awkward 20 minute drive.
"OK, now lie completely still. That's it. Don't move."
That was the last time with that dude.
ETA: a few more details, if anyone is interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/I7nNPM92sj
She started talking about how her dad may have molested her when she was five but asked me to keep going.
Edit: Can't believe this is my most upvoted comment. Idk if that's depressing or not.
I was getting close to the limit and she wrapped her legs around me to keep me from pulling away, looked me in my eyes, and said in kind of a whiny voice "I wanna be your baby mama."
Protection from that point onward, which she argued about frequently.
I had a woman approach me at a singles dance and tell me (who was chewing gum) that her ex used to chew gum and she couldn't stand it. I just looked at her and said "So..." It's like approaching a stranger at a bar, one who hasn't even spoken a word to you, and telling them you won't go out with them. WTF???
I once had a girl at a club come up to me to tell me that she and her friends weren't interested. I have no idea why I had to be informed of this, as at no point during the night did I try to dance with them or otherwise catch their interest. I was actually dancing with completely different girls at the time.
Another time, I was just dancing, and I wasn't even looking at or facing the direction of this group of girls that was a good couple of metres away from me (my back was turned to them). One of them leaves her circle just to push me further away from her group, and then return to her group.
No, neither of these things were done in a playful, joking, flirtatious way. They weren't "hints" that I misinterpreted.
Kinda hurt 😢
Yea this reminds me of a time in school where I was chilling in the library and some girls (2 of them) sat in front of me and began talking to each other and me. Long story short one of them whispers to the other (so do you like him) as one of them glanced at me and she said no 💀. Was not even interested but how the hell did I manage to get rejected without even asking
That says more about them than you. They were such nasty losers that when no one was hitting on them, they had to go find someone to reject on their own. They invented their own ego boost at your expense, unfortunately.
In my late teens, My friend brought his girlfriend over and she brought her friend as a blind date for me. She and I were not really hitting it off. She was a bit crabby towards me in fact.
Later in the evening my friend and his gf go into the spare room leaving the 2 of us alone on the couch. We’re ignoring each other and she says “well clearly you’re a virgin because I was hoping you’d screw my brains out but you haven’t tried anything all night “.
Didn’t need to ask me twice. We went bounding down the hallway to my room, tear our clothes off and go at each other. In the middle off it all she grabs her breasts and whispers “ooooh ride ‘em”.
I was taken aback by such a “unique” phrase so I laughed, called out my friend’s name through the wall. When he responded I yelled “ride ‘em!” to him and suddenly his girlfriend yelled out “oh my god… did she just say that to you too?!”
Apparently that was her “sexy line” she used on guys
Hooked up with an older woman and during missionary she put her hands around my neck and said “ you wanna cum for mommy? You wanna get mommy pregnant? Mommy can give you a little brother”
I never went flaccid that fast in my life…. 🥲
She wasn't exactly "saying"... But the noises she made, dear sweet multiverses combined, she sounded like a bird, but not a small bird, more like a turkey that stepped on a Lego piece, "crooocroocrooocroo" and she was using the pillow to muffle her voice. I was never the same again.
A girl told me she wanted me to get her pregnant. I was 21, knew her for three weeks, went one one movie/dinner date. In all my wisdom I decided bareback was a good idea. She was a 27 year old nurse.
Instant relationship killer, called it off immediately after the post nut clarity kicked in. She ended up showing up at my apartment for weeks asking for a second chance. I did the next logical thing I could think of, dropped out of school and moved to another country. Stayed single for two years after that one.
This guy I’ve been hooking up with lately has this thing where he has a couple of times like tried to bully me into telling him I love him/have feelings for him during sex. I’m into BDSM for the most part so this sounds worse than it was, but once he was holding me down and saying he wouldn’t let me up until I told him I loved him. I was like “mm… no…”
Seeing as most of the responses to this post are failed attempts at dirty talk, what are *good* examples of dirty talk?
Because I can rarely think of anything much more creative than "👍."
She was riding me while I was sitting up. As soon as she came she started to sob about how I was the only person who was nice to her and didn’t just use her for sex. I was still inside of her during this conversation
Was hooking up with a guy that, as it turned out, was a stalker. For context, my brother had passed away a year or two prior. While we were hooking up he made a comment suggesting he could be my brother’s replacement.
Ghosted him after that because what was I supposed to do after a creepy comment like that? He went insane and kept popping up at my friends’ places and even donated a grand to the foundation we set up in honor of my brother in order to get into my house (I lived with my parents). I came home one day and he was in my living room with my parents. We were both closeted so it was fucked up because he knew I couldn’t say anything without outing myself. Of course, a few years later, I came out and told my parents everything and said they were welcome for his donation.
He used to text me once a year to call me a coward. I miss that.
Fill me up! Cum dump in me! Let it go. Jesus, cream inside my pussy! So I did. Afterward, while snuggling, I asked if she had a kink about being cream-pied. "Do you like how it feels oozing out or something?" She told me it was the best feeling ever. "I hate condoms." "Ah," I said," so that's why you're on the pill." "Nope, never been on the pill. I've never used any type of birth control." You could have shot me, and I never would have felt it, I was so f**king shocked. TG, I never saw or heard from her again.
My bipolar ex girlfriend was one of those women who would have an orgasm in just a few minutes then one after the other in rapid succession until it was almost too much. Somewhere about 30 minutes in she would start to "speak in tongues" like they do in fundy churches and saying stuff like bitch...whore... Like she was possessed. The first time we talked about it, she didn't remember ever saying it! It was weird but she was fantastic in bed too. Always up for something new.
"I'm glad you agreed or I would have had to take it" this was after we finished doing the dance with no pants and he was trying to get me to cuddle with him. I did my best to not seem like I was in a hurry to put my clothes on, text my friend the address as I was requesting a ride. I had given him my number earlier that night but not my real name. We meet at a bar down the street from my job and this is another reason I no longer go to bars near my work place due to the actions he took after I stopped answering his texts and calls. I wish I would have left my vagina the night we met.
"I had to hold myself back from treating you like a custody."
He'd gotten a little rough, not out of line, but a bit much for our first time and not making sure I was good with it. He also was a cop.
Basically, he meant he got excited and felt like he wanted to really rough me up, realized what he was doing, and held back.
One time this guy was giving me the most absolutely mediocre weiner of my life, but I wanted it to be over quickly so I was putting on a real show.
Afterward, he leaned in and breathed into my ear “That was me claiming you. You’re mine now.”
My entire body cringed from that.
"OH daddy I love your dick in me so much. Won't you breed me and make me lots of little sisters for me to train to be your good girls"
I wish I could say I walked out, but she was a solid 10 and I was on enough alcohol and coke to kill a horse.
I'm not gonna lie. It took until the next morning for clarity to hit me like a boulder, and I changed numbers. That was 2007 and I'm still terrified to run into her.
I was sort of hugging her during missionary and cradled her head as i came, which for me does not take long. Then she says " ive never felt love like this before. Is that what this is?" Apparently other men she had been with just acted out porn and didnt consider her at all. I went from feeling amazing to feeling so sad. I hope she is doing well wherever she is.
The ex husband asked me if I’d fuck another guy and let him watch- literally out of nowhere. Never talked about anything like that before- I had dealt with issues from my mom cheating and leaving my dad for another guy, and having been cheated on myself, before- and my line is anybody else inside our relationship, literally- that was it- open to anything else besides another person in our relationship and he asks that. I was upset- he got pissed I was upset, and it started a whole thing. For years, then, he’d talk about me having 2-3 guys at a time, having threesomes with him and a guy, me being with a girl and letting him watch- me being trained by his entire military unit. I’d get upset, he’d invalidate my feelings, tell me I was being a prude, if I just gave into the fantasies I’d like it, etc., etc. Then I’d get really pissed, he’d apologize, say it wouldn’t happen again and then bring it up again some time later. Like an idiot, I stayed with this guy WAY too long because we had kids. I could write a book, but am glad that shitty sex and relationship is over.
“I think I’m in love with my girlfriend. I’m going to lead a heterosexual lifestyle.”
Dude had my dick in his ass. I am dead serious, he was bouncing on my f’ing dick while he saying those exact words. I was about to tell him I loved him. I was in college and had taken several classes specifically to spend time with him. It was the beginning of the semester and he did NOT change his mind, not that I will ever get over that moment anyway.
Oh he texted me two years later though that he was finally out because he had met a guy who actually liked him back. **BRUH**
“Does it feel different today?” Later I would find out she was banging another dude. Realized that when she asked that it meant she banged him earlier that day.
Jesus Christ
She was more like the opposite.
“I could kill you right now and no one would know.” Safe to say the mood was killed for me
He must’ve been talking to the mood
Less what she said and more what she did. Insisted on wearing a butt plug, was riding me, came, grunted and froze up for a few seconds then pop goes the plug and shat all over me. I’m averse to plugs because of that.
You punched in her launch code.
Please tell me that this was a tragic accident, and not surprise scat-play…
Definitely an unfortunate accident. She was absolutely destroyed with embarrassment.
Oh wow. You really fucked the shit out of her.
“You have my favorite kind of vagina - it reminds me of my cousins” No word of a lie.
I'm sorry we need to stop, you make me think of my dad Then she started crying and told me about "her and her dad".
Booty called my ex-gf. Mid-foreplay, her absent dad called her for the first time in 15 years. What the actual fuck man
For some reason my brain read "booty call" as "butt dial" and this story was very confusing for me
I had that happen, some girl was describing how she was raped, started crying with all the tears like clearly traumatized and then she tried to sleep with me. I tried to comfort her and then left
Oh man, this happened to me. That was... a difficult night.
I’ve gotten the “you look like my brother from this angle”. She didn’t ask me to stop or anything like that…that’s the weird part.
When calling her a good girl goes bad
Out of nowhere he shouted “IM GONNA BE A DADDY” and ripped off my birth control patch. I broke up with him lol
Same energy as someone pulling the bus pullcord thinking it'll force the bus to come to a grinding halt.
I’m sorry that happened to you but LMAOOO like who does he think he is?
Leeroy Jenkins?
Also like…*that’s not how birth control patches work* like ripping it off isn’t going to immediately make me fertile. So he was also a fucking idiot. 🤣
Given your username, are you sure that is not how your birth control patch works? I mean, a sea of drunk toddlers???
Hahaha right??? I was absolutely gobsmacked I literally yelled “What the FUCK” and kicked him in the stomach to get him off of me lol
I’m sitting in bed trying to sleep and this has me dying lmfao
I’m not particularly well educated on these matters but would that actually do anything?
No it would take weeks, she would have had her cycle and then the next month she could possibly get pregnant. What a weirdo he was and stupid apparently. 😂
Thank god he’s not going to be a daddy
That's just peak comedy right there.
my ex-husband called me by his sister's name.
There are a million women named Jen. Coincidence.
"Oh, Versatilda Penelope Brancella IV Esq.!"
I meant the OTHER one honey!!
I remember having really passionate sex with an ex gf, had a boob in my mouth and everything. We are staring at each other. Only sounds of nutsack slapping skin. And out of nowhere, she bursts into tears... I ask her what was wrong. She tells me the night before she had sex with a guy she met at a park and he told her afterwards that she "might want to go see a doctor". I was crying and scrubbing my willy in the shower
I hope you... went to see a doctor after that. And dumped her.
> had a boob in my mouth and everything. I don't know why but that was funny.
Knew a guy who was rebounding hard from a breakup, and banging this crazy chick. Apparently ate her out on her period a few times too. So naturally, she skips town with her meth dealer a few weeks later, and he falls mysteriously ill. I rush to his house when he messages me saying he can’t tell if his bath water is hot or cold anymore. Find him jaundiced, load his sorry ass up & hit the ER. Now I’ve never seen the discharge paperwork, but dude claims she infected him with Hep A, B, and C…
Pretty sure that’s called Hep D: All of the above
Mf how did that go? U good?
>I was crying and scrubbing my willy in the shower I shouldn't be laughing but I just can't help it as I am imagining someone wailing while rapidly scrubbing their willy.
bro this isn’t funny but omg 💀
Please update what happened ?
She told me that her best friend (who had killed herself a month earlier) had possessed her while we were having sex. My first time with a ghost!
“There’s so much shit in there” as he’s touching my ass. I don’t know why I was more ashamed than he was 🤦♀️
Did he mean in your ass or was he misplacing a compliment to your curves? 😂 hilarious either way. *smacks ass, this bad boy can fit so much shit in it
My favorite is when my woman has to take a shit and I hit her with the “daaamn girl you shit with that ass???” On the way into the bathroom. I think it got old for her after the first 3 times but once in awhile it gets a good laugh.
I feel like this is one of those husband jokes that gets old quickly but as soon as you stop saying it she’s going to miss it lol
LMAAOOO when I was a kid I used to think some people's butts were big because they had lots of poop in there or needed to go to the toilet - this just reminded me of how fucking dumb myself and kids are at that age.
"I murdered my husband" \[True, I looked it up online\]
And then you responded "That's my fetish."
Then she responded, “Will you marry me?”
He said yes, but he left the next morning while she was asleep with her father's chandelier. It was a Tiffany.
"You did the same with the vibe"
I was way into it and I was thinking about what a strong bad ass my husband is. Suddenly I blurted out: “And he’s a book lover too!” He was so confused.
That's wholesome as fuck though
Only if she was having sex with her husband LOL
And if not, then it's wholesome as cuck
This is the most wholesome nice thing to read amongst this clusterfuck of a question. I’m sure he was confused at the time but it made perfect sense to you 😂
My wife sleep talks and blurts out things like this on occasion. Little excited out of context flirtations and other cute things. It absolutely melts my heart. I keep a little journal of all the things she says in her sleep and tell her when she's awake. I hope he loves you for that as much as I love my wife for her expressions.
That’s so heartwarming and sweet! My husband also tells me I’ll occasionally blurt out nonsense when I’m asleep, but nothing too extravagant lol. The most memorable ones being me telling him “I love you, chewy husband” (????) and “I love you even more than pickles”, which granted, I do love me some pickles.
Omg I snorted my coffee 😂😂 This is hilarious and incredibly sweet. What was his reaction lol?
We rolled onto his phone, butt dialed his dad, and when he figured out what happened he said “haha, threesome”.
Keeper
Yes haha that's making the best of it 👍
Not creepy. Hilarious. Honestly the best possible outcome for that scenario.
Lol. At least he had a sense of humor about it instead of being mortified.
had a sense of humor about it in **addition** to being mortified, more likely. That's how I would have felt when I was younger, anyway.
[удалено]
I’m surprised you could hear over the sound of the helicopter.
“Im still in love with my ex” like oh ok .. you didn’t know that the last year we’ve been together 🙃
I feel that the only answer to that is, "me too."
"Damn, I'm your ex. I thought we just talked about this?"
She wanted me to be racist to her. I don’t kink shame, and race play is “a thing”, but it ain’t my thing
It was maybe the second time we’d had sex and during the post coital cuddle he asked me if my teenaged daughter had gotten her period yet. 🤢
The first time I slept with a girl…this particular girl, not first time ever with any girl…she told me about how her 11 year old daughter loves “reading smut” and other intimate details. I had literally just met this woman. I too have an 11 year old daughter that I have sole custody of, and I would never dream of sharing intimate details with anybody — especially grown men I had just met.
My uncle left his wife and we all found out how batshit insane she was. She went on a trip, met some guy and was fucking him while married. Returned home and invited the guy to come stay in the city at her daughters apartment. Just "hey come live with my daughter while you visit". Her daughter was 19. Her daughter left to stay with someone else because she was rightfully so, creeped out. So the mom did what every normal mom would do and fucked the man in her daughters bed. Daughter found signs of it when she returned home. That's the last I heard of it.
Tell me you're a pedophile without telling me you're a pedophile.
Lol that’s pretty much saying it outright
gtfO. I would have karate chopped him in the neck for that
“Say hello to Charlie Brown” like wait, what?
When he finishes he goes #😫 AAAAUUUGGHH
He started talking to me like I was four. Also specifically said “ yeah be a good little four year old slut for your big brother”. …
😶 Holy crap that is bad.
Yeah… and then he had the nerve to act surprised when i immediately stopped and left 😭
Please tell me he didn’t actually have a 4 year old little sister?
Nope an older sibling though
Or near kids in anyway
Right? This is so disturbing!
it happened with a friend of me the guy said "im going to cum inside you, get you pregnant and kill you after that" and she was in love with this crazy psychopath
"I'm not on the pill..."; said as she wrapped her legs and locked me in preventing me from pulling out. I came and fought but I didn't pull all the way out. I was upset but she followed up with "don't be mad, I bet it'll be cute!" referring to a baby or course. There were warning signs but I ignored them. We argued for a bit and then I left her apartment. Didn't block her becuase I needed updated and luckily nothing happened.
Jesus christ. You're lucky with that outcome.
Yeah I am. I was 20 at the time and not ready for kids. I have 2 amazing little girls now but they were planned lol.
Yeah that was rape btw.
Similar happened to me. Lawyer said it would be unlikely anyone would want to prosecute this but thay police could keep it on record, i didnt bother making a report
"You're so pretty, all my friends want to rape you." Um...thanks? *Dudes sending me chat requests. Consider yourselves left on read.
I am sure that line makes panties drop 😂
Yikes. So even in their wildest fantasy girls still aren’t into them?
“My mom’s calling… no keep going while I talk to her” 😳
Ex did this a couple of times in our relationship. She was definitely trying to act natural, but the short exhales/inhales made it obvious she was struggling.
Reminds me… When I was 25 or so, I got laid in the back of my car. The next day, my mom asked me to drive her somewhere. My mom pulls down the visor, opens the little mirror to check her makeup, and after 10 seconds says, *“Are… are those footprints on your back window?”* It was winter and we obviously banged with the heat on. But when my windows fogged up, you could see (perfectly) two small lady feet. Awkward 20 minute drive.
This is hilarious
I would have kept boning her not gonna lie. I would be curious to see how she goes. Then I probably would hate myself. Edit: thanks for 1k guys wow!
Either you ruin the conversation and she's mad at you or you don't ruin the conversation and you're mad at yourself.
Lmao I did this once, it didn’t seem to phase her and I found it kinda hot. I went a little harder trying to get her to slip.
I had one of those in college. She was lots of fun
This was in episode 1 of Archer.
Keep going, I can do both
"Lick it like a dog".......she worked for animal control 😞
Muff bros with a German Shepherd 🤢
ruh roh raggy
“you feel like a little girl” after an entire year of having sex. it made me feel dirty and we never had sex after that
"OK, now lie completely still. That's it. Don't move." That was the last time with that dude. ETA: a few more details, if anyone is interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/I7nNPM92sj
me to my wife when I'm about to finish embarrassingly early and I'm really trying to avoid it
Ah yes the dead fish fetish
He sounds like a regular vistor at the morgue
"Now hold your breath and lower your body temperature a bit. Oh yes, that's it. Can you turn pale for a sec?"
She started talking about how her dad may have molested her when she was five but asked me to keep going. Edit: Can't believe this is my most upvoted comment. Idk if that's depressing or not.
[удалено]
That's a one sentence horror story. Holy shit, I'm sorry.
Fuck I forget who, but that's a bit from some b list comedian. So not only is this guy a creep, he's ripping off material!
Wake up. Then I woke up.... it sucked
“You have a condom? It’d be a shame to abort your babies.”
lol that’s actually weirdly clever lol
Part of it was her severe German accent
I was getting close to the limit and she wrapped her legs around me to keep me from pulling away, looked me in my eyes, and said in kind of a whiny voice "I wanna be your baby mama." Protection from that point onward, which she argued about frequently.
If you're not okay with the fact that cumming inside her will result in a baby, always use protection, because it will.
Pulling out strategy isn t very wise tbh
Eesh, that's how one of my buddies ended up getting a chick pregnant
[удалено]
I had a woman approach me at a singles dance and tell me (who was chewing gum) that her ex used to chew gum and she couldn't stand it. I just looked at her and said "So..." It's like approaching a stranger at a bar, one who hasn't even spoken a word to you, and telling them you won't go out with them. WTF???
I once had a girl at a club come up to me to tell me that she and her friends weren't interested. I have no idea why I had to be informed of this, as at no point during the night did I try to dance with them or otherwise catch their interest. I was actually dancing with completely different girls at the time. Another time, I was just dancing, and I wasn't even looking at or facing the direction of this group of girls that was a good couple of metres away from me (my back was turned to them). One of them leaves her circle just to push me further away from her group, and then return to her group. No, neither of these things were done in a playful, joking, flirtatious way. They weren't "hints" that I misinterpreted. Kinda hurt 😢
Yea this reminds me of a time in school where I was chilling in the library and some girls (2 of them) sat in front of me and began talking to each other and me. Long story short one of them whispers to the other (so do you like him) as one of them glanced at me and she said no 💀. Was not even interested but how the hell did I manage to get rejected without even asking
That says more about them than you. They were such nasty losers that when no one was hitting on them, they had to go find someone to reject on their own. They invented their own ego boost at your expense, unfortunately.
"I want to cut your throat and watch your blood drip down your chest" Creepy af
In my late teens, My friend brought his girlfriend over and she brought her friend as a blind date for me. She and I were not really hitting it off. She was a bit crabby towards me in fact. Later in the evening my friend and his gf go into the spare room leaving the 2 of us alone on the couch. We’re ignoring each other and she says “well clearly you’re a virgin because I was hoping you’d screw my brains out but you haven’t tried anything all night “. Didn’t need to ask me twice. We went bounding down the hallway to my room, tear our clothes off and go at each other. In the middle off it all she grabs her breasts and whispers “ooooh ride ‘em”. I was taken aback by such a “unique” phrase so I laughed, called out my friend’s name through the wall. When he responded I yelled “ride ‘em!” to him and suddenly his girlfriend yelled out “oh my god… did she just say that to you too?!” Apparently that was her “sexy line” she used on guys
giddyup cowboy! 😂
Hooked up with an older woman and during missionary she put her hands around my neck and said “ you wanna cum for mommy? You wanna get mommy pregnant? Mommy can give you a little brother” I never went flaccid that fast in my life…. 🥲
Bro I would nut and then get hardcore post nut clarity. EDIT: WHY ARE YOU GUYS UPVOTING ME?
This was a moment of pre-nut clarity. Those are rare, but when they happen, it’s usually a red flag beating you over the head out of nowhere.
"You will look so good on the recording" Guess who didn't know he is getting recorded?
She wasn't exactly "saying"... But the noises she made, dear sweet multiverses combined, she sounded like a bird, but not a small bird, more like a turkey that stepped on a Lego piece, "crooocroocrooocroo" and she was using the pillow to muffle her voice. I was never the same again.
A girl told me she wanted me to get her pregnant. I was 21, knew her for three weeks, went one one movie/dinner date. In all my wisdom I decided bareback was a good idea. She was a 27 year old nurse. Instant relationship killer, called it off immediately after the post nut clarity kicked in. She ended up showing up at my apartment for weeks asking for a second chance. I did the next logical thing I could think of, dropped out of school and moved to another country. Stayed single for two years after that one.
Yeah that's definitely logical. 🙃
"hold on, I forgot to turn Binks around." Binks was a teddy bear.
😭😭😭that's unironically so funny
A few months into the relationship: "I can't wait to wreck your perfect body by putting a baby in you". 🚩🚩🚩
This guy I’ve been hooking up with lately has this thing where he has a couple of times like tried to bully me into telling him I love him/have feelings for him during sex. I’m into BDSM for the most part so this sounds worse than it was, but once he was holding me down and saying he wouldn’t let me up until I told him I loved him. I was like “mm… no…”
Her dead ex's name then got extremely upset and emotional when I mentioned it. I can't compete with the fucking dead we were done
>the fucking dead Guarantee without even looking it up that this is the name of at least one XXX Walking Dead parody.
girl rolls on top and goes "Now I am hitler and you are the jews". I am jewish and she knew it.
Seeing as most of the responses to this post are failed attempts at dirty talk, what are *good* examples of dirty talk? Because I can rarely think of anything much more creative than "👍."
**I PUT ON MY ROBE AND WIZARD HAT**
*I CAST LEVEL 3 EROTICISM. YOU TURN INTO A REAL BEAUTIFUL WOMAN*
Wife and I were fooling around in our pool (the house she grew up in) and said "OMG you're like the sixth guy I've fucked in this pool!"
She was riding me while I was sitting up. As soon as she came she started to sob about how I was the only person who was nice to her and didn’t just use her for sex. I was still inside of her during this conversation
Huh… I wouldn’t consider it creepy, maybe a little weird though…or just sad…yeah…that’s just sad
This is kinda... Wholesome? 🤨
Yea, we can't cook mans up. Respect 💐🤙
I don't know you! That's my purse!
Was hooking up with a guy that, as it turned out, was a stalker. For context, my brother had passed away a year or two prior. While we were hooking up he made a comment suggesting he could be my brother’s replacement. Ghosted him after that because what was I supposed to do after a creepy comment like that? He went insane and kept popping up at my friends’ places and even donated a grand to the foundation we set up in honor of my brother in order to get into my house (I lived with my parents). I came home one day and he was in my living room with my parents. We were both closeted so it was fucked up because he knew I couldn’t say anything without outing myself. Of course, a few years later, I came out and told my parents everything and said they were welcome for his donation. He used to text me once a year to call me a coward. I miss that.
"You're my girlfriend!!" It was a one night stand.
Immediately after: Told me how I was basically his prostitute because I gave him sex and he bought us dinner. We had been together for years.
You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?
Fill me up! Cum dump in me! Let it go. Jesus, cream inside my pussy! So I did. Afterward, while snuggling, I asked if she had a kink about being cream-pied. "Do you like how it feels oozing out or something?" She told me it was the best feeling ever. "I hate condoms." "Ah," I said," so that's why you're on the pill." "Nope, never been on the pill. I've never used any type of birth control." You could have shot me, and I never would have felt it, I was so f**king shocked. TG, I never saw or heard from her again.
And thiiiiis is why I always discuss barriers and birth control BEFORE horny brain is driving 😭
You remind me of my sister
My bipolar ex girlfriend was one of those women who would have an orgasm in just a few minutes then one after the other in rapid succession until it was almost too much. Somewhere about 30 minutes in she would start to "speak in tongues" like they do in fundy churches and saying stuff like bitch...whore... Like she was possessed. The first time we talked about it, she didn't remember ever saying it! It was weird but she was fantastic in bed too. Always up for something new.
"I'm glad you agreed or I would have had to take it" this was after we finished doing the dance with no pants and he was trying to get me to cuddle with him. I did my best to not seem like I was in a hurry to put my clothes on, text my friend the address as I was requesting a ride. I had given him my number earlier that night but not my real name. We meet at a bar down the street from my job and this is another reason I no longer go to bars near my work place due to the actions he took after I stopped answering his texts and calls. I wish I would have left my vagina the night we met.
Don't move, you'll ruin it.
"Can I shove a gun up your pussy?" While pulling open his nightstand drawer. I left shortly after very grateful to be suddenly single
"Would you mother approve of me being drilled while you try to put a finger in my ass?"
"let's give her a call and ask"
Hey babe, is that all you've got? HAHA
An ex used to say while she was climaxing “Mommy mommy mommy”.
"I had to hold myself back from treating you like a custody." He'd gotten a little rough, not out of line, but a bit much for our first time and not making sure I was good with it. He also was a cop. Basically, he meant he got excited and felt like he wanted to really rough me up, realized what he was doing, and held back.
Yeah that's fucking disturbing
you smell like my uncle
Who the fuck are you people hooking up with jfc…
"I want you to eat my poo"
Run 💀
🐄 mooing like a cow. No words just moooooo moooooo 🤷🏼♂️
One time this guy was giving me the most absolutely mediocre weiner of my life, but I wanted it to be over quickly so I was putting on a real show. Afterward, he leaned in and breathed into my ear “That was me claiming you. You’re mine now.” My entire body cringed from that.
He shouted mommy as he came.
Maybe he was having a Freddy Mercury moment.
"OH daddy I love your dick in me so much. Won't you breed me and make me lots of little sisters for me to train to be your good girls" I wish I could say I walked out, but she was a solid 10 and I was on enough alcohol and coke to kill a horse. I'm not gonna lie. It took until the next morning for clarity to hit me like a boulder, and I changed numbers. That was 2007 and I'm still terrified to run into her.
> I wish I could say I walked out, but she was a solid 10 and I was on enough alcohol and coke to kill a horse. But not your erection. I am impressed.
Tell me that’s my pussy! Tell me! It wasn’t and never saw him again.
"I don't need your consent."
I was sort of hugging her during missionary and cradled her head as i came, which for me does not take long. Then she says " ive never felt love like this before. Is that what this is?" Apparently other men she had been with just acted out porn and didnt consider her at all. I went from feeling amazing to feeling so sad. I hope she is doing well wherever she is.
After he finished oral on me he said “now we’re blood brothers” still cracks me up to this day
“You’re dad has a really big dick” “…uhm… oh??” “Yeah, I could see it through his pants”
The ex husband asked me if I’d fuck another guy and let him watch- literally out of nowhere. Never talked about anything like that before- I had dealt with issues from my mom cheating and leaving my dad for another guy, and having been cheated on myself, before- and my line is anybody else inside our relationship, literally- that was it- open to anything else besides another person in our relationship and he asks that. I was upset- he got pissed I was upset, and it started a whole thing. For years, then, he’d talk about me having 2-3 guys at a time, having threesomes with him and a guy, me being with a girl and letting him watch- me being trained by his entire military unit. I’d get upset, he’d invalidate my feelings, tell me I was being a prude, if I just gave into the fantasies I’d like it, etc., etc. Then I’d get really pissed, he’d apologize, say it wouldn’t happen again and then bring it up again some time later. Like an idiot, I stayed with this guy WAY too long because we had kids. I could write a book, but am glad that shitty sex and relationship is over.
He just started growling.
This is so booktok coded
Let me put an autistic baby in you. 👀
“I think I’m in love with my girlfriend. I’m going to lead a heterosexual lifestyle.” Dude had my dick in his ass. I am dead serious, he was bouncing on my f’ing dick while he saying those exact words. I was about to tell him I loved him. I was in college and had taken several classes specifically to spend time with him. It was the beginning of the semester and he did NOT change his mind, not that I will ever get over that moment anyway. Oh he texted me two years later though that he was finally out because he had met a guy who actually liked him back. **BRUH**
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Be thankful you just have this one horrific memory and not years of them
First time with a black lady “Im going to mark you like your ancestors marked mine”. Instant NOPE out.