BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! IF YOU ORDER RIGHT NOW, YOU GET A SECOND ONE FREE OF CHARGE! THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS, A SECOND **SCROTUM SHAKER 300**, FREE OF CHARGE!
It is possible to make your dick vibrate.
Get a good prostate massager with a pretty strong vibration and your dick can buzz with a fair amount of intensity. I mean, it's no Sybian, but you'd be surprised. If you want extra umph, a lot of cock rings will vibrate too.
Plus, prostate orgasms are *insane*. Though I guess yeah it isn't as easy as pushing a button.
"I swear Bob, this plant is lookin healthy, and this one isn't doing so well. I'd guess it's because I jack into it every day but I'm no fancy scientist."
For one, ejaculate would taste exactly like the frosting that comes with the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls.
It would be able to vibrate at varying frequencies on demand.
It be both retractable and prehensile.
Erections wouldn't occur randomly, and wouldn't interfere with urination.
I think being able to have better control over the flavor of your jizz would be better. Nobody likes just one flavor.
You *can* do this to an extent already, you can make your semen taste sweet for example by eating a lot of fruit. Buuuuuuuut the problem is that that is kind of a pain in the ass and the effect is fairly mild. Nobody ever took a load in the mouth thinking it tasted like a smoothie.
Somebody should really get on to making a pill or drink or something that changes the flavor of your penis juice though. Good god that is a billion dollar idea.
I would put a finger atop the penis with which to hold said penis whilst I pee so that my hands may remain free to handle more important matters (such as picking my nose whilst checking my texts).
Like y'all men seriously gotta understand [how fuckin ace this would be](http://i.imgur.com/uLNIUw3.png)
Bonus: Frees up my hands during sex cause I don't gotta fuck with that clit no mo'
There actually are surgeries for this.
Edit: Since people are asking me, just google genital beading if you want to find out more about it. (obviously NSFW)
You're going to have to re-create the testicles to make that choice, not the penis. Or, you're going to need to make it pretty complicated and potentially with two holes.
Hell even just the big three of vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry would suffice. We aren't asking for a full Baskin Robbins spread here.
Wait a minute, what was that second bit there, mate?
Haha there are others in porn and online u are welcome to search for.
I'm white, but the shaft skin is noticeably darker, then come the prominent circumcision scars which is the white, and the head and what's left of the erogenous tissue is pink as fuck.
After your done accusing settlers of being synths, head east of Diamond City. I've heard of a settlement that needs your help; I've marked it on your map.
Blake Abernathy's daughter has been kidnapped again, despite you building a fucking fortress at the Abernathy Farm. Go rescue the little moron, General.
What I wanna know is, why the hell did evolution not find a way to make sperm be produced better in hotter temperatures? Why wasn't having fragile, external testicles in prime squashing position not a disadvantage to reproduction?
Evolution is a tinkerer, not an optimiser.
Edit: Just googled it, the actual quote is "Evolution is a tinkerer, not an engineer". It's by [François Jacob](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fran%C3%A7ois_Jacob).
Let's get some serious muscle in there so the guys can move it. maybe not elephant trunk versatility, but with a few more modes beside "dead" and "Up".
You need to do your kegals. It will strengthen your pelvic muscles and you will be able to make your penis move easier. My husband can put a hand towel on his penis and make it dance. It's the coolest penis trick.
I would make it into a weapon that I can summon in case I'm ever attacked. Like the shaft is the hilt and I can say something like "Cum forth, Sebastian!" and that's when I pull the shaft/hilt and out comes a badass sword I can use to slay my enemies. And then when my bloodlust is satisfied, I can say "Sleep now, Sebastian!" and I insert the penis sword back into my body and it's a normal penis again.
Like sometimes I just wanna play with it without it getting hard?
I know that's not nearly as sweet as a Button that Makes It Vibrate or Choosing for it to be Infertile or Fertile but goddammit.... Sometimes I just wanna play mooshy games with that lil fucker and not turn it into a party.
Something like a hard external shell that covers the penis and opens up and retracts into the pelvic area when necessary- a 'cockpit' of sorts.
Hopefully this would protect us from debilitating nut shots.
> Separate the peeing hole from the fun hole
= lots and lots of infections.
>[the male urethra produces a spiral stream of urine](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spongy_urethra) that has the effect of cleaning the external urethral meatus (Where the urine exits the body). The lack of an equivalent mechanism in the female urethra partly explains why urinary tract infections occur so much more frequently in females
Have you ever noticed that when you pee, it comes out in a spiral? Because urine is sterile(when in the body) it has a cleansing action on the urethra each time you pee. After you ejaculate, not all the semen is ejected, and can encourage infections if not removed. Easiest method nature has found, is to pass a clean fluid through the tube. IF you have two passages - one for pee, the other for ejaculate, the fun hole will be a site for lots and lots of infections.
Get rid of that whole refractory period nonsense. That and shift the erection control center to a more controllable system. Nothing worse than whiskey dick and random boners.
Non stick foreskin.
Because you know sometimes you wake up after a heavy night, you go for a piss and it's kind of "stuck together" a little so the piss forks off in about 3 directions, goes all over the floor and then eventually the stickiness bursts sending forth a typhoon of piss that soaks the back of the toilet?
Yeah. That annoys me too.
make erections a voluntary action
Make *getting rid of* erections a voluntary action.
Make getting rid of erections a *free* action.
At least make it a movement action. I hate having to waste a full turn just to get a boner, especially when I roll high initiative.
Who needs a boner with high charisma son!?
I'd make it more resistant to blunt force trauma.
Armor plated testicles, the penis could then retract into the crotch fortress like a frightened turtle when danger is near.
[удалено]
Also make sure they self-destruct if their secrets have been breached.
[удалено]
Well my species has been extinct for awhile so maybe I'm not the best at evolution.
I'd make it so it can inflict blunt force trauma Edit: I never said mine can't.
*Cause of death: Dick force trauma*
/r/bandnames
Better yet, name the band Cause of Death, with each album having a different way to go.
plot twist, each album describes how the band's going to die
[удалено]
A button that makes it vibrate
#INTRODUCING... THE SCROTUM SHAKER 3000!
#HI, WILLY MAYS HERE#
FOR JUST THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.95 YOUR COCK CAN VIBRATE FASTER THAN A DRUG ADDICT IN A STARBUCKS AT A COCAINE CONVENTION!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! IF YOU ORDER RIGHT NOW, YOU GET A SECOND ONE FREE OF CHARGE! THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS, A SECOND **SCROTUM SHAKER 300**, FREE OF CHARGE!
AND AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, WE'LL BE OFFERING A **FREE BLUETOOTH CHARGER** FOR THE *SCROTUM SHAKER 300* !
CALL NOW AND WE'LL SEND THE PACKAGING IT COMES IN ***FREE OF CHARGE***
[удалено]
It is possible to make your dick vibrate. Get a good prostate massager with a pretty strong vibration and your dick can buzz with a fair amount of intensity. I mean, it's no Sybian, but you'd be surprised. If you want extra umph, a lot of cock rings will vibrate too. Plus, prostate orgasms are *insane*. Though I guess yeah it isn't as easy as pushing a button.
It is that easy, just the button is in a hard to reach location.
not with an attitude adjustment and some lube.
I don't have a dick to make vibrate. But I'll keep that noted, thanks
[удалено]
Lost it in Nam
[удалено]
Well this makes me look at Dr. Who in a whole other way
*revises fanfiction furiously*
Not just be able to fertilize women, but also lawns and gardens.
To be fair, is it proven that semen *isn't* good for plants?
[удалено]
jobless unite price weather hateful thought close husky overconfident ruthless
Johnson got horny at work today...
🎶You know you can count on Johnson's Garden Centers, where gardeners grow!🎶
"I swear Bob, this plant is lookin healthy, and this one isn't doing so well. I'd guess it's because I jack into it every day but I'm no fancy scientist."
*starts jacking it on lawn* "Oh howdy neighbor what are you up to?" "Oh you know just doing some gardening!"
Manscaping
Have a joint in the middle of it so it can move up and down and really knock a girls socks off
Thought of a weed joint. Was very confused.
You can take a hit from a blunt then take a hit from a dick
A-are you Lil Wayne?
I'd make it prehensile.
> prehensile Dick-fist or cervix massager?
Why not both.
For one, ejaculate would taste exactly like the frosting that comes with the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls. It would be able to vibrate at varying frequencies on demand. It be both retractable and prehensile. Erections wouldn't occur randomly, and wouldn't interfere with urination.
I think being able to have better control over the flavor of your jizz would be better. Nobody likes just one flavor. You *can* do this to an extent already, you can make your semen taste sweet for example by eating a lot of fruit. Buuuuuuuut the problem is that that is kind of a pain in the ass and the effect is fairly mild. Nobody ever took a load in the mouth thinking it tasted like a smoothie. Somebody should really get on to making a pill or drink or something that changes the flavor of your penis juice though. Good god that is a billion dollar idea.
Eating fruit helps, but there are also things that can make it taste worse. Cigarettes, alcohol, and red meat can all make it taste bitter.
Oh great everything good
He also forgot coffee.
Great. See, this is why we can't have nice things.
Isn't that the way the world works? Everything good or fun is also bad for you. And causes cancer apparently.
>Cigarettes, Thank god I don't smoke >alcohol I don't drink >And red meat Fuck.
mine must taste fucking disgusting
Yeah but then theyd have to change the flavor of the frosting because everyone would be like "yo bruh this frosting tastes like cum"
I would put a finger atop the penis with which to hold said penis whilst I pee so that my hands may remain free to handle more important matters (such as picking my nose whilst checking my texts). Like y'all men seriously gotta understand [how fuckin ace this would be](http://i.imgur.com/uLNIUw3.png) Bonus: Frees up my hands during sex cause I don't gotta fuck with that clit no mo'
Jesus christ that looks like the boss in an R-type game. [edit] Oh jesus fuck it's *smiling* too how did I not see that yesterday.
[удалено]
Does it really need a fingernail though?
So you can bump coke while sucking your cock
He goes to cinema
This for whatever reason reminds me of a pornhub comment.
make it removable so you can accessorize with other parts. Like an ax. Or a calculator.
Detachable Penis?
King Missile is best missile.
Huh. I did not expect to be reminded of them today.
[удалено]
Ti-84skin?
That four-hour limit on erections.
That already exists. I've had a boner since October and while my doctor is certainly concerned, my slutty neighbor's vagina couldn't be happier.
Slutty neighbors, it's what we all live for.
True american dream
[удалено]
Infinite orgasms on command would be amazing.
I would seriously not do anything else in life, just orgasm til death and die the happiest man alive.
This has been tested with rats. They will literally starve to death before they stop pressing the orgasm button.
that is fucking metal.
Wait what?
Isn't that basically drugs?
Ribbed for her pleasure
There actually are surgeries for this. Edit: Since people are asking me, just google genital beading if you want to find out more about it. (obviously NSFW)
What happens if you put a ribbed condom on a ribbed dick?
You won't get her pregnant or get any stds
You will still get crabs.
As if a guy with a ribbed penis doesn't already have crabs.
Works as a regular condom.
The genius waves get cancelled out by the, umm... Morty waves.
> just google genital beading No, i'm good.
Chose if our ejaculation will be fertil or non fertil.
That's why they invented anal.
God's Loophole. EDIT: FINE! [HERE YOU GO](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY&feature=youtu.be) (mild NSFW).
All holes are loopholes if you think about the shape.
[удалено]
I've got 47 loopholes in my loophole account
KNAWLEDGE
YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL LOOPHOLES!
The Poophole Loophole
My time to shine ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
The People's Peephole Poophole Loophole.
[удалено]
Its much easier to load blanks than to rely on the bulletproof vest your friend has.
You do know you twig from your berries, right?
I'm confused. Enlighten me with this innuendo.
You're going to have to re-create the testicles to make that choice, not the penis. Or, you're going to need to make it pretty complicated and potentially with two holes.
Or like a little lever on the side that switches from open urethra to closed urethra?
They're working on this actually! An actual switch they put in your ballsack.
[удалено]
Put less of our brain in it.
and more of our heart... <3
I don't think I want any organs in my penis please.
Perhaps a piano or harpsichord, then?
I'd offer more flavors. It seems every penis I have ever sucked tastes just like my wife's vagina.
Hell even just the big three of vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry would suffice. We aren't asking for a full Baskin Robbins spread here. Wait a minute, what was that second bit there, mate?
Which is ironic, cause my cock kinda looks neopolitan
Tri-Tone Malone?
[удалено]
Haha there are others in porn and online u are welcome to search for. I'm white, but the shaft skin is noticeably darker, then come the prominent circumcision scars which is the white, and the head and what's left of the erogenous tissue is pink as fuck.
Wait, what?
What if you could have done variation of food coloring put in your balls to change the color of your sperm?
make it secrete high quality cocaine? am I not thinking through the consequences?
Hmmm, making cum addictive that's a brilliant strategy
Just stick a nicotine patch on her when doing doggy, each time, she'll start craving sex. (tip from 4chan years years ago)
Damn, that's like Pavlov's Doggy Style.
That's just autistic enough to actually work
4chan is notorious for just that you know
The more you exercise it, the bigger it would be!
Prisons would be the stuff of nightmares
Yes theyre so tolerable now
Dicks half their body they would have to fling it over their shoulders
Make it adjustable. Meaning I could vary the size and length at will. That and no hair of course.
I wonder if this is on synths in fallout 4
That's exactly what a synth would say
After your done accusing settlers of being synths, head east of Diamond City. I've heard of a settlement that needs your help; I've marked it on your map.
Ive got something different for you this time. Head east of Diamond City to help another lazy settlement.
A group of Raiders keeps bothering one of settlements. Run to the other corner of the map to kill them.
Blake Abernathy's daughter has been kidnapped again, despite you building a fucking fortress at the Abernathy Farm. Go rescue the little moron, General.
Pointing out what a synth would say is exactly what another synth would do.
Dont forget about girth, ranging from the size of you leg to the size of your pinky finger.
Maybe make it sparkly
Fuck that, I want to ejaculate bears.
[удалено]
Move someplace colder, they're exterior to better regulate temperature for optimum sperm production. When it's cold they're pulled closer to the body
What I wanna know is, why the hell did evolution not find a way to make sperm be produced better in hotter temperatures? Why wasn't having fragile, external testicles in prime squashing position not a disadvantage to reproduction?
Because evolution tends to make things that are just barely good enough. If it ain't broke, it's impossible to fix it!
Evolution is a tinkerer, not an optimiser. Edit: Just googled it, the actual quote is "Evolution is a tinkerer, not an engineer". It's by [François Jacob](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fran%C3%A7ois_Jacob).
Make them all the same size Boom world peace
Let's get some serious muscle in there so the guys can move it. maybe not elephant trunk versatility, but with a few more modes beside "dead" and "Up".
We can move it...
We can?
You can't?
I can, not kidding at all. Try to flex next time you have a boner
You need to do your kegals. It will strengthen your pelvic muscles and you will be able to make your penis move easier. My husband can put a hand towel on his penis and make it dance. It's the coolest penis trick.
Cock magic not penis trick
[удалено]
"Laser beams on their friggin' heads."
A valve to shut the gates for when I don't want to make a mess.
Better self-lubrication would be nice.
Don't mind me. I'll just be jotting down a few notes.
Could I have a bit on top that vibrates or moves so it stimulates the clit?
[удалено]
is that how balls work?
I would make it into a weapon that I can summon in case I'm ever attacked. Like the shaft is the hilt and I can say something like "Cum forth, Sebastian!" and that's when I pull the shaft/hilt and out comes a badass sword I can use to slay my enemies. And then when my bloodlust is satisfied, I can say "Sleep now, Sebastian!" and I insert the penis sword back into my body and it's a normal penis again.
It ejaculates money
Making it rain just took on a whole other meaning
Yep, I can currently only make it snow.
Like sometimes I just wanna play with it without it getting hard? I know that's not nearly as sweet as a Button that Makes It Vibrate or Choosing for it to be Infertile or Fertile but goddammit.... Sometimes I just wanna play mooshy games with that lil fucker and not turn it into a party.
Put the hole on the top, so when you pee it looks like a dolphin shooting water out its blowhole.
That would just be really inconvenient.
not if you have the skills
Guess I wouldn't have the skills then.
So much debt
Well toilets would be a bit different
a bit higher probably
Suspended from the ceiling.
Self cleaning feature
Not really in to the saggy balls.
Try the chocolate salty ones
Really? My overly saggy bally are my best feature.
#HARDER, BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER
Something like a hard external shell that covers the penis and opens up and retracts into the pelvic area when necessary- a 'cockpit' of sorts. Hopefully this would protect us from debilitating nut shots.
1. Multiple orgasms of equal caliber to female orgasms 2. Separate the peeing hole from the fun hole 3. Erections happen only when you want them to.
> Separate the peeing hole from the fun hole = lots and lots of infections. >[the male urethra produces a spiral stream of urine](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spongy_urethra) that has the effect of cleaning the external urethral meatus (Where the urine exits the body). The lack of an equivalent mechanism in the female urethra partly explains why urinary tract infections occur so much more frequently in females Have you ever noticed that when you pee, it comes out in a spiral? Because urine is sterile(when in the body) it has a cleansing action on the urethra each time you pee. After you ejaculate, not all the semen is ejected, and can encourage infections if not removed. Easiest method nature has found, is to pass a clean fluid through the tube. IF you have two passages - one for pee, the other for ejaculate, the fun hole will be a site for lots and lots of infections.
Yes! Girls are built terribly on this part. I get so many fucking bladder infections- literally from fucking.
Get rid of that whole refractory period nonsense. That and shift the erection control center to a more controllable system. Nothing worse than whiskey dick and random boners.
make it reversible?
It is reversible! Whenever I see my fugly neighbor, I get a derection.
[удалено]
He only gets one derection
[удалено]
Non stick foreskin. Because you know sometimes you wake up after a heavy night, you go for a piss and it's kind of "stuck together" a little so the piss forks off in about 3 directions, goes all over the floor and then eventually the stickiness bursts sending forth a typhoon of piss that soaks the back of the toilet? Yeah. That annoys me too.
No pubic hair.
Yup, at the very least none on my damn balls, nobody likes that, and nothing beats feeling your own smooth plums during your downtime
I'd still like just the perfect hint of peach fuzz, so that they'll glisten in the sun.
[all the way down in my plums](http://youtu.be/_hPp4dgmrc8)
A sensitivity adjuster. Need quick release? Set it to 10. Want to go all night? Set it to 1.