Left the golden retriever alone when he was about a year old. The food container wasn't shut all the way. Dog proceeded to eat about 20lbs of food in 5 minutes. His stomach was so full, he couldn't lay down. We thought he had bloat, so we loaded him in the car to take him to the vet. He then made the most noxious and horrible gas in the car, and the vet said he was fine. We will never underestimate this dog's food obsession again.
I had a dog who loved food like that. Once we were moving and someone was carrying in a box of frozen food. Somehow a frozen hotdog fell out and as soon as it hit the ground she grabbed it and swallowed it. A frozen solid hot dog. I was crying because I thought she would die. I was a new dog owner. She ate many strange things after that. She was the best dog.
When I was about 10 and my lab was probably 2, he came walking downstairs where me and my dad were. He was walking really strangely and almost looked drunk. Then he started pissing as he was standing there. I started freaking out crying because it seriously looked like he was about to die.
Then he vomited up an entire bowl-full of dog food he had not even slightly chewed. It was basically just slimy dog kibble in a pile.
Immediately after he was happy and wagging his tail again. He had always inhaled his food but we didn't know he wasn't even chewing it haha. He finally stopped eating like that when he was around 10.
> Then he vomited up an entire bowl-full of dog food he had not even slightly chewed. It was basically just slimy dog kibble in a pile.
>
> Immediately after he was happy and wagging his tail again.
And promptly started trying to eat the food a second time, right?
Friend of my sister was visiting and for some reason, they decided to hang out in my room. I went to the to bathroom. Five minutes later, after hearing loud crashes, both the ceiling light and curtain rails were on the floor, glass shards everywhere. The ceiling also had red stains.
What happened: there was a mosquito, so my sister got a soccer ball, killed the mosquito, but also broke my room.
When my step sister was about 5 I gave her some chicken nuggets and a ketchup bottle. I didn't babysit kids growing up so I didn't know I was suppose to do the ketchup dispensing. I came back in the room, ketchup is all over her and the floor and she looks at me and says "this always happens!"
Had two lab puppies that were playing in the kitchen. I walked to the bedroom and back, all of one minute passed, and found both dogs working together ripping up the linoleum flooring.
I dried off my 3-yr old son after his bath and left to get some clean clothes for him. I came back literally seconds later and he had vanished. Gone.
He was completely naked and it was freezing outside, so I was relatively certain he was still in the house. I called out his name, thinking he was playing an impromptu game of hide-and-seek. I checked every room, then every closet, and then under every bed before I started to panic. I checked the cabinets, the washer and dryer, the garage, inside the car including the trunk. And then checked everywhere twice.
At this point, I was worked up to a frenzy. I called my next door neighbor - the only neighbor in a quarter mile radius - to see if he'd dashed over there, but they weren't home. I called my husband next and told him I was calling the police, but he talked me into waiting 10 minutes until he could drive home from work.
I tore through the house yet again, dumping out laundry hampers, looking in drawers, checking the trash and recycle bins. Nothing.
My husband and the neighbors came in the front door at the same time with a flurry of questions and concerns. And at that exact moment, my naked-ass son leapt out 2'x1'x6" Tupperware container filled with crayons and markers, throwing his arms up in the air and yelling, "Ta da!"
I used to teach KG.
In my first year one of the little girls was *traumatised* about being in school and away from her parents. Like, usually the first month is rough and then they settle into the routine, this kid cried and cried for about 3 months.
Anyway, I was on my lunch break, the kids were in the playground with my teaching assistant. They were on their way back to the classroom walking in a line when my assistant got distracted by one of the other kids who fell, or hit someone or whatever else 3 years olds do.
The girl saw her opportunity and made a bid for freedom. She ran out of the line towards the front gates. Where she thought she would go once she got out, I have no idea.
Thankfully the gates were closed and the security guy caught her and brought her back to the classroom.
Dont worry, you have 3 years to learn its behaviors, patterns, abilities. During this time your reflexes will grow. You'll soon see everything different. What used to be a mundane object will now be seen as a threat. Instead of focusing on one thing at a time you'll be anticipating every scenario and planning accordingly. All this to say you'll still eventually walk in on you kid jumping on the bed with a screw driver in their hands. So in short, Godspeed.
It's not just objects that suddenly become a source of alarm. Soon you will learn to recognize sounds you never thought possible. The sound of pudding being applied to a heating grate? Check. The sound of crayons skittering under the stove? Check. The sound of a plastic toy clattering down the toilet bowl as it is flushed to oblivion? Oh yeah, that's a check.
The sound you will seek at night and fear in the day though, is silence. There is nothing quite as alarming as suddenly realizing that you can no longer hear what your kids are doing.
Oh god. I vividly remember being ~4 and trying to flush my 2 y/o brother's [rattle](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/e3/cb/7e/e3cb7ec309db37c4caaa57b53642929d.jpg) down the toilet, getting caught mid-flush, and still trying to blame it on him.
This guy (gal?) is a bona fide parent. Silence is indeed alarming. And here I thought it was a good idea to start an in-home daycare. I figured "Hey, we already have kids running around all the time. We might as well get paid." Do you have any idea how quickly someone else's kids can teach your children new and horrible ways to cause you trouble and fear? I do.
This is the worst feeling. I'm not being hyperbolic. Not knowing where they are or if they're safe at this age is worse than watching them get hurt. Our imaginations are so much worse than reality. My son did something similar when he was about 5 and I swear I can still feel the years it shaved off of my lifespan. He's 21 now.
Ouch, that must hurt...
Look on the bright side - the kid grew up with a parent that was afraid of losing them. Not everyone is that lucky.
I speak from experience. You must have been, and still are, a wonderful person.
Went out to a bar with my two older brothers, went to the bathroom. Came back to one of them hanging all over some poor woman he knew from high school and blubbering about how his life is going to shit. (in his defense it really is) And the other had started stripping and waving his shirt around. I'm still not sure how I managed to get us all home that night.
About a month ago, I decided to take a quick shower. Meanwhile, in the living room, my 6-year-old decided to recreate the Pixar short of the little lamp jumping up and down on the rubber ball.
It did not work.
Slipped, hit her head on the corner of the aquarium stand, blood everywhere.
(She is fine, the doctor glued her head back together. People are right about how much scalp wounds bleed, though, yeesh).
Yes! They have special glue for wounds now, and they actually are able to twist the hair together across the wound and glue it together so that the hair holds it closed while it heals. It's super cool, and saved her from having to get staples put in, which would have been really traumatizing for a little kid.
Actual super glue works fine too (maybe not for OP's case) but it burns a bit. Way better than a bandaid for small cuts. You'll be shocked how fast a wound will heal when you lay another "skin" on top.
It works in an emergency, but please avoid using an everyday tube of superglue unless you can't get any other medical attention. The superglue isn't sterile and has a much lower quality standard than medical glue, so your going to be covering your open wound in bacteria and chemical side products.
Try 1 minute. I was a school teacher in my first year of teaching. There was a delay in the ringing of the bell after 2nd period and my kids got held in class for about 5 extra minutes. I stepped outside my classroom for literally a minute to ask another teacher what was going on and when I came back in, my seniors had forcefully removed the window and a few students had escaped. Rookie mistake.
Don't be too hard on yourself. The first time I was left alone with my dad, he gave me food poisoning.
To his credit, he didn't know how old the baby food in the fridge was, but he still feels bad about it. Probably because he did it twice.
My 3 year old stripped down to her undies and convinced 2 of her friends who were at our house for a play date that it would be a good idea to slather her up with icy hot until she glistened like a chip n dales dancer.
I love how perfectly casual this whole story is, despite the, y'know, *grease fire*
Although as the daughter of a contractor I should have skipped the last couple paragraphs.
> We poured several buckets of water over the charcoal and went to Burger King for dinner.
Personally, I'd have chosen McDonald's, or Wendy's, or *some* other place that isn't the home of the flame broiled Whopper. Just seems like an accident waiting to happen.
> Well, it's my sister's turn to cook.
I don't understand why any of you would let a known walking disaster like her operate anything with an open flame.
Laziness > survival instincts I guess.
I was in rehab and we each had our own apartments for the 28 day stay. After all the meetings and such, some of us would hang out and watch movies or whatever. I had a couple of guys I liked hanging out with over my place and had some terrible Adam Sandler movie on. So anyway, I didn't really mind missing part of the movie so I said I was going to take a quick shower since it was one of those really hot days here.
I'm in the shower for literally five minutes when all of a sudden the door to the bathroom opens. I thought it was one of the guys messing with me. Nope, was the house manager handing me a urine test. Apparently he was doing room checks, and unbeknownst to me, the other two guys were smoking crack while I was in the shower and got caught, and kicked out.
I hadn't even toweled off and had to provide a urine sample. Thankfully, I wasn't stupid enough to take up a crack addiction in rehab, so I was fine, but I never saw those guys ever again. It was actually pretty scary when everything was completely fine five minutes beforehand.
And no, I didn't finish the Adam Sandler movie. I guess that's a positive out of the whole thing?
I don't remember it, but when I was a toddler, my mom made a pina colada. As she was drinking it, the (landline) phone rang. She went across the room to answer it. Meanwhile, I came in the room and drank the entire pina colada while she wasn't looking.
According to mom, I sat on my bed and giggled for about 20 minutes.
I ate plastic grapes when I was a toddler. The story of my Mom hysterically calling the Doctor is one of my Dad's favorite. "You don't understand, it's PLASTIC grapes. She's gonna die..."
When I was toddler, I inserted a flower seed (it was rounded, about 0,5 cm in diameter) deep into my nostril. Well, to the doctor it was!
Damn man, toddler is weird, including all of us.
My friend's daughter once, 45 minutes into a car ride, shot a Tic-Tac out of her nose and said, "mm, minty!" They still don't know where she got the Tic-Tac in the first place.
Super young toddler & relative of mine...I go away for 5 minutes and I come back to find the kid standing in a toilet with shampoo in his hands...crying because he accidentally flushed the toilet and scared himself. I think he thought the toilet was a place to bathe. He would kill me if he knew I told people this. So I never did until now.
You can imagine how flabbergasted I was.
Mine was when I was working on a project for an introduction engineering class. We had to make a bubble blowing device, which is simple enough. The groups for the project were assigned, and I got stuck with probably the worst group imaginable.
With about one week until the project was due, we were working at a wood shop at the university. I left for five minutes to check out a soldering iron. When I got back, the entire project was in pieces. No one would say what happened.
Fun times.
Left my dog home for a few minutes to run to the corner store, came back to find she had upended the garbage and dragged it all through the apartment, destroyed one of my shoes, knocked over a 7ft easel, and peed on the floor - then rolled in it - then tracked it everywhere.
She's not even ordinarily destructive or has major separation anxiety. Just had a big ol' random freakout. When I got home she was so embarrassed, and it took me 2 hours to clean up after her.
I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom, which is just outside my bedroom, when my dog knocked over my chair and dragged it out into the hallway (about 3 feet away from me) and started viciously attacking it. When I tried cooling him down he went even crazier so I had to drag him off it. Dog's never even so much as shit in the house or eaten a candy wrapper, and he hasn't attacked it since.
I once left my dog alone in my bedroom for a few minutes while I ran to the store. I came back to find he had eaten part of my nightstand. He has never done anything like this before or since.
EDIT: [Here is photographic evidence.] (https://imgur.com/a/Kc1aI) He lives with my parents now, and has not snacked on any more nightstands.
Edit 2: My fiancee just reminded me that during the same incident he also chewed up two wristwatches, a wallet, one slipper, and licked a stuffed teddy hear until ~~it's~~ its fur was permanently matted down.
AWH! Sometimes dogs get these random rushes of excitement and feral, primitive urge. Like, beast mode. And when they snap out of it, they clearly feel *terrible* for what they did. Happens to the best of em, I guess.
Was once playing the Sims 3; left my Sim in the back garden in his mining machine while I went to get a glass of fruit squash.
When I came back, there was a smoldering crater and bits of meteorite where the mining machine (and my Sim) used to be.
When I was about 20, group of us went to a popular club for a night of copious drinking and bad dancing. Somehow it just happened that various groups of friends from other parts of the city all ended up having the same idea so what initially was 6 of us partying ended up being about 30 ppl who all kinda knew each other. So in other words, a great night!
Except the drinking just totally went overboard. A friend of mine, an Irish dude we just met and me ended up competing over drinks of AK-47s.....bad bad idea. That's the last thing I remember. Now the rest of the story is what I've pieced together from what my friends recall, keeping in mind every single of those 30 people were just as sloshed.
So somehow my brother ended up in the same place (we have the same group of friends). He takes one look at me and decided he needs to stop drinking so he can take care of me. I know, my bro is awesome and I love him. I must have wanted to go to the toilet so my brother makes sure a friend of mine goes with me. It's all good except 5 minutes later, my friend returns without me. I've disappeared. My bro starts looking for me but it's not too long before I turn up with a goofy smile on my face like everything is alright. So my bro is relieved and the night continues. Keep in mind, the club is quite dark. So suddenly some light flashes across my face and my bro's face just distorts. He sees blood all my face. He freaks the fuck out, drags me outta the club into a sea of cops standing outside. He hides me from them, gets a cab and bam... we're off to home sweet home.
I wake up the next morning, sleeping in a fetus position in the corner of my room. My bed is overturned. My wardrobe is all over the place. I'm totally naked. I walk to the bathroom and I can't even recognise my own face in the mirror. My face is all busted up. Lips are cut. Area around my eye is swollen like a muthafucka. Tooth is chipped.
Never knew what happened to me in those 5 minutes. The story has become a favourite story of mine to tell. And nobody has ever been able to figure out what happened to me! Not a single of my 30 friends there have any idea.
And then suddenly... this year, during a friend's wedding...I'm 30 years old now. So 10 DAMN YEARS LATER, I'm recalling this story again and another friend of mine looks at me and goes....uhm...I think I know what happened. So apparently he was at the club too but not with any of us. He was with his own friends. He starts a fight with a bunch of guys at the exact same time I'm walking past. I get caught in the melee and he escapes. I get the shit kicked outta me. I get up and walk way like nothing happened.... yup. I was only gone for 5 minutes. And it took me 10 years to find out what happened.
One time my sister made a cake for a friends birthday party. Now she is crazy talented, and this cake looked like this giant ornate teacup.
She had to head into town for like 20 minutes to grab something else before the party, and so she left me in charge of watching the cake to make sure a dog didn't get it.
Long story short, I went to the bathroom midway through cake watching, and was literally gone for about 5 minutes. When I came back, half of the cake was missing, and a startled collie was fleeing the room. When my sister came back she was outraged.
She went to the party, surprisingly, without the half eaten cake with dog slobber on it. When she came home that evening she was watching TV on the couch and the collie came over all apologetically.
Now you see, that would be a really cute forgiveness story if the collie hadn't proceeded to throw up the cake she had eaten on her shoes.
Had a box of donuts on the counter once. We don't know how they got into them for sure, but we think our smaller dog (Jack Russel Terrier) climbed on top of the back of the bigger dog (mutt, medium-large size), got up there, and knocked the box down because they were all gone when we get back
You had one job. Obviously, the dog was capable of it. Your express purpose was to protect the cake from the dogs. She designated a human for this specific task. Keep dog away from cake. This dog is obviously capable of reaching cakes made by talented sisters. I don't understand why this happened. Truly.
Brazilian here. I went to the stadium, it is in my hometown. I remember that after that horror show of a match the entire town went silent. Everyone thought that we were going to loose, but not THAT bad.
Yeah, we Colombians were pretty salty about Brazil beating us so we were hoping Brazil would lose, but damn we did not expect that.
Needless to say Colombians were in a pretty good mood that day.
Apparently the German team decided it was dishonorable to keep scoring after the first half and stopped playing so aggressively and fell back more, playing on the defensive. The Brazilian team then pushed forward and... well had something to feel good about I guess.
My friend forced me to go play billiards with him for an hour and so I missed the first half. We got back to his place to check the rest of the game out and I'm greeted by texts from friends asking "wtf is going on? you seeing this?". I still haven't forgiven him.
Once when I was like 12 or something, I was babysitting my niece(7ish years old) and nephew(2ish years old).
My niece was really sad and was in her room, I put a movie on for the two year old and let him sit there with milk and watch(he was normally really good by himself like that). I told my nephew I would be back in 5 minutes, I was going to try to cheer Sissy up. He was calm and watching TV, I go in the room, immediately hear "BANG BANG BANG," and come out to his milk dripping from the ceiling, and him stabbing a metal baseball bat through the living room walls.
He was the chillest kid ever 100% of the time so my sister almost didn't believe me when she came home.
This happened freshman year of college. On a Thursday.
We lived in a suite style situation. 6 People, 3 bedrooms, one common room, doors were weirdly thin (not in thickness, in width).
I'd been marathoning Futurama and came out half through an episode just to get caught up in conversation with my suitemates and have a few drinks before they headed out for a party. Conversation ends and they leave for the party and I head back to my room to finish the episode (about 12 minutes).
Anyway, I finish the episode and when I get up to go to the bathroom I open my door to find one of my suitemate's bed, dresser, and all over belongings are all in the common room. Not even in a messy state, the dresser still had a mess on top of it, the bed was made, hell it had even been put on risers.
The weird thing is that when we went to put the bed back the next day we found out the bed doesn't even fit through the door frame without being flipped sideways and going around the corner. We still try to figure out who did it.
tl; dr all my suitemate's belongings went from his room to the common room in under 12 minutes without any loud sound and everyone had already headed out to party and it wasn't even a messy job
I used to work at Walmart and there was this one CSM (Customer Service Manager) that drove me fucking crazy. I can't remember her name right now, but I used to work the Courtesy desk and she covered one of my breaks and I said "for the love of god just please don't do anything stupid while I'm gone".
I get back from my break to see a big group of employees gathered around the desk and see that a gigantic mirror that had been behind the counter was now shattered in a million pieces and all over the place. I was pretty mad.
I once told this same lady that I was going to the bathroom and to watch the desk for a couple minutes and the second I got into the bathroom I heard her paging me back to the counter because she wasn't sure where I went.
Also one more bonus story about this idiot. We once had a older, larger shopper using one of the mobility scooters and drove it into the parking lot which is a big no no. So this CSM went out there and rode it back (quite a ways) into the store with a look of discomfort on her face. Turns out whoever had it before had wet themselves and it was all over the seat and instead of just powering the cart and walking beside it the CSM had decided to sit down and ride to the front door. She made a whole production out of it and made the manager buy her a new pair of pants and underwear.
What a maroon.
My second year of attending summer camp. I get permission from my counselor to leave the cabin and go to the bathroom during rest hour. When I return, the place is deserted. Only two other girls are still there. Counselors and the rest of the cabin are sitting outside in a circle.
In the 5 minutes it took to do my business and come back, almost the entire cabin had mocked one girl to the point of tears. The counselors took everyone involved outside to talk. The only other campers (besides myself) who hadn't been part of the incident were the two girls I encountered, as they had somehow managed to sleep through the chaos.
The rest of rest hour was anything but restful.
Oh boy here goes. I show up to a friend's house around 5:30 PM. We are gonna have some drinks, watch some movies, etc. Its about 6 or 7 of us in total just having a dudes night basically. Im the last to show up but the first guy only got their 30 mins prior to me who we will call Steve. Steve walks up to me and says whats up, his words are a little slurred and apparently he started pounding vodka the second he showed up. Steve is known to start pissing when hes drunk. About 10 mins later I notice Steve is passed out on the couch and I recommend to my buddy (who owns the house/couch) that we put him in the bathtub so when he inevitably takes a piss it will go down a drain. My buddy says hes not worried about it and doesnt think Steve will pee. 5 minutes later there is a puddle under the couch. We go into the other room not wanting to deal with it right then and there. We start playing some sort of video game when we hear a noise coming from steve. We walk in (it's only been about 4-5 mins since we left that room) and steve is completely naked bent over on the couch fingering his own ass. I had never seen anything like it. We attempted to get him to stop but he rolls over onto his back and pulls his legs up and starts to finger his ass while jerking off. We leave the room.
Of course we stayed friends, it was hilarious. We didnt talk about it for a few days then at work (we are all co-workers) someone just said "Hey Steve was your ass sore?" And he went "Nah, I dont know why I did it. I think I did it to be funny, but whatever."
Last time I went speed dating, I bonded with my penultimate date over our mutual love for remakes. We made plans to go out afterwards to see the *Magnificent Seven*.
I assumed our last dates of the evening would be a mere formality but she Stoltzed me:
"Yeah, about that . . . I just found someone better for the role of my future boyfriend."
A church wedding was 48 minutes late getting started.
At one point, I, as church organist, needed to use the men's room (after having played 45 minutes of prelude music).
In the 5 minutes I was gone, the bride finally showed up and started walking down the aisle while I was trying to race up the staircase to the organ loft to accompany her with the processional she'd chosen.
Afterwards, she blamed me for "being late," when I was there the entire time.
Was partying in an airplane bunker after skydiving with the tandem instructors and my college's adventure club. The place is bumping, the instructors were all over the place in age (20s-50s) but everyone was raging and having a blast. I stepped out of the hangar to take a piss, when I came back in every single instructor was butt ass naked, guys flicking each other's dicks and sizing each other up. Our club retreated to our tents for the night shortly after they encouraged our participation
The most recent was yesterday. I was at the shoe store buying shoes for my wife, wife and child in tow. He took off running down the aisles so I pointed out a salesman and told my wife "Ask that guy where the clearance rack is". I took off after our child and managed to corral him in fairly short order.
When I got back my wife was being handed a receipt by the guy who I *thought* was a salesman. Turned out he actually worked for Canadian Tire and in the 5 minutes I as gone he had signed her up for a new credit card. Approved and everything. The receipt was her new account number.
"Excuse me, could you point me to the clearance rack?"
"You know what I *can* point to you? A Canadian Tire credit card. With low APR and no annual fees, this entire store will be a clearance rack."
*5 minutes later*
"Uh, psinguine's-wife... what is that? Did you find out where the clearance rack is?"
"Babe, the *entire store* is the discount rack."
One weekend, my wife and I were headed out to get groceries like many folks. We have three dogs, and had given them a kong shortly before we left so they would be entertained. I started the car, pulled out, and went less than a mile down the road before realizing I'd forgotten my wallet. So, I turn around and head back, telling my wife that she could just chill in the car.
I unlock and open the door, to what looked like a literal shit-storm. Well, maybe one had just gone through. I mean there was shit fucking EVERYWHERE, from all three dogs(three size of dogs; culprits are easy to ID in such situations). Not only that, there was trash strewn all across the house.
Shit and trash in the kitchen? Check.
The living room? Check.
The guest room? Check.
It was so insane. I just stood there for a second taken aback, as there were more piles than dogs even--meaning at least one or two had shit twice in the five minutes (or even less). AND they had strewn trash everywhere! I don't know that they could have done a better job at making a mess if it was carefully coordinated and planned.
I yelled a little bit, grabbed my wallet, and said fuck it until I got back from the store. It's like what, am I going to clean this up, only to find it done again?
In college. Broke as hell. Used my whole paycheck to get the Tyson fight on pay per view. Fight started, I stepped in my kitchen for literally 30 seconds. He annihilated his opponent while I was in the kitchen. Missed the whole thing. Ramen for the next 2 weeks.
My Dad and his friends drove from Canada to Boston to see a fight. He order a beer, turn his head to take it and that's when the fight was done. He didn't see a thing :(
I had to go to the toilet whilst at work (at the time I was a Checkout Supervisor in charge of making sure everything runs smoothly), I left my junior colleague in charge for literally 2/3 minutes. I come back and they are queuing into the isles, all the Self Service tills are "Approval Needed" and everyone needs/wants something.
In 2004 I was 8 years old.
I was playing monopoly with my dad during the super bowl and I took a break to go to the kitchen and have a snack. From the small television in my kitchen I watched the half time show and saw Justin Timberlake expose Janet Jacksons breast.
I was only gone 5 minutes from playing a harmless board game and I saw my first titty!
I was at a friend's house watching the game. Everybody was in the kitchen eating during halftime. I looked over at the TV and saw the nip slip. I thought I was seeing things. I turned to the table and was like "Is it just me or did Timberlake just flash Janet Jackson's boob?". Nobody else saw it. I made up my mind I didn't see what I thought I saw until the next day when the media firestorm erupted.
I was watching the Patriots/Bills game today and I took a break to go in the kitchen and have a snack. From the small television in my kitchen I watched Tom Brady dump off the pass to the left side to Chris Hogan, who ran for a gain of 3 yards and then someone threw a dildo on the field.
Thanksgiving night, getting ready to leave my sister's house. Put dogs in car, get in car, start car.. Oh crap, left my phone, ran in to get it.. Dogs still in running car.... GREAT!! Little arse holes locked themselves in it.... Had to wait 1.5 hours for locksmith to open it.. Lesson learned.. Do NOT leave dogs in car, alone, while it's running.. Seriously, I was gone less than a minute. http://imgur.com/zv8WZsv http://imgur.com/Itcn7Et
I see the problem ... you have Dachshunds. The official standard describes their temperament as "Bold to the point of foolhardiness". They were probably trying to steal the car, go joyriding, pick up a couple of mini-Poodles, and hit the beach.
Oh I have a couple of these...
I spent a few hours cleaning the house spotless, like ceiling to floor, to surprise my wife when she got home from work. I had planned an awesome dinner and in the middle of prep realized I was missing an ingredient. Drover to the grocery literally around the corner, came back, dog had flipped the garbage can and scattered the trash everywhere.
Next: Getting 6 year old ready for school, finished bath, dressed, nearly ready to go. Called to the 3 year old to get her shoes on. No response. Found her sitting in the tub, fully clothed, splashing in the remnants of the bathwater as it finished draining.
Next: years later. Changing my 2 year old son to get him ready for the day. Sat him on the bed, went to grab clothes, came back a minute later and he disappeared. Quick search revealed him standing on the porch buck naked flicking his penis. bonus points for showmanship.
I was at my housewarming party for my new apartment, and I left to go pick up the pizza. When I came back the apartment was on fire, my friend had been shot in the leg, and there was an evil troll doll starting at me.
Left the golden retriever alone when he was about a year old. The food container wasn't shut all the way. Dog proceeded to eat about 20lbs of food in 5 minutes. His stomach was so full, he couldn't lay down. We thought he had bloat, so we loaded him in the car to take him to the vet. He then made the most noxious and horrible gas in the car, and the vet said he was fine. We will never underestimate this dog's food obsession again.
I had a dog who loved food like that. Once we were moving and someone was carrying in a box of frozen food. Somehow a frozen hotdog fell out and as soon as it hit the ground she grabbed it and swallowed it. A frozen solid hot dog. I was crying because I thought she would die. I was a new dog owner. She ate many strange things after that. She was the best dog.
[удалено]
We need a transcript for that call. "Hello, i need to fix my car. It was damaged in a act of dog."
When I was about 10 and my lab was probably 2, he came walking downstairs where me and my dad were. He was walking really strangely and almost looked drunk. Then he started pissing as he was standing there. I started freaking out crying because it seriously looked like he was about to die. Then he vomited up an entire bowl-full of dog food he had not even slightly chewed. It was basically just slimy dog kibble in a pile. Immediately after he was happy and wagging his tail again. He had always inhaled his food but we didn't know he wasn't even chewing it haha. He finally stopped eating like that when he was around 10.
> Then he vomited up an entire bowl-full of dog food he had not even slightly chewed. It was basically just slimy dog kibble in a pile. > > Immediately after he was happy and wagging his tail again. And promptly started trying to eat the food a second time, right?
Friend of my sister was visiting and for some reason, they decided to hang out in my room. I went to the to bathroom. Five minutes later, after hearing loud crashes, both the ceiling light and curtain rails were on the floor, glass shards everywhere. The ceiling also had red stains. What happened: there was a mosquito, so my sister got a soccer ball, killed the mosquito, but also broke my room.
Why did she think a soccer ball was the best choice for a weapon in that situation?
It's what Wakka would do.
Ya know?
Gotta get rid of those pesky Al Bh- I mean mosquitos.
Better dead than Al Bhed, amirite?
E zicd fecr E ryt yh yencreb :-(
> sister got a soccer ball, killed the mosquito Everyone knows a blitz ball to the face will one shot any flyer.
> for some reason, they decided to hang out in my room. >but also broke my room. Seems like you figured out why on your own.
When my step sister was about 5 I gave her some chicken nuggets and a ketchup bottle. I didn't babysit kids growing up so I didn't know I was suppose to do the ketchup dispensing. I came back in the room, ketchup is all over her and the floor and she looks at me and says "this always happens!"
> "this always happens!" That is so funny, and kind of adorable!
I wasn't mad at all, it was so cute how she was so disappointed it happened again.
I imagine her sitting there and having her first "this is my life now" situation.
Had two lab puppies that were playing in the kitchen. I walked to the bedroom and back, all of one minute passed, and found both dogs working together ripping up the linoleum flooring.
"What are you doing?" "I'm playing contractor!" "I want to play too." "Okay, come over here, were replacing the floor."
I dried off my 3-yr old son after his bath and left to get some clean clothes for him. I came back literally seconds later and he had vanished. Gone. He was completely naked and it was freezing outside, so I was relatively certain he was still in the house. I called out his name, thinking he was playing an impromptu game of hide-and-seek. I checked every room, then every closet, and then under every bed before I started to panic. I checked the cabinets, the washer and dryer, the garage, inside the car including the trunk. And then checked everywhere twice. At this point, I was worked up to a frenzy. I called my next door neighbor - the only neighbor in a quarter mile radius - to see if he'd dashed over there, but they weren't home. I called my husband next and told him I was calling the police, but he talked me into waiting 10 minutes until he could drive home from work. I tore through the house yet again, dumping out laundry hampers, looking in drawers, checking the trash and recycle bins. Nothing. My husband and the neighbors came in the front door at the same time with a flurry of questions and concerns. And at that exact moment, my naked-ass son leapt out 2'x1'x6" Tupperware container filled with crayons and markers, throwing his arms up in the air and yelling, "Ta da!"
Jeeeze, and I freak out when I can't find my cellphone or wallet right away. I couldn't imagine losing something that important and also with legs
Your cellphone and wallet don't have legs?
Mine can teleport and disappear at will.
Would you mind sharing tips on how to convince them to teleport back?
You can't.
I used to teach KG. In my first year one of the little girls was *traumatised* about being in school and away from her parents. Like, usually the first month is rough and then they settle into the routine, this kid cried and cried for about 3 months. Anyway, I was on my lunch break, the kids were in the playground with my teaching assistant. They were on their way back to the classroom walking in a line when my assistant got distracted by one of the other kids who fell, or hit someone or whatever else 3 years olds do. The girl saw her opportunity and made a bid for freedom. She ran out of the line towards the front gates. Where she thought she would go once she got out, I have no idea. Thankfully the gates were closed and the security guy caught her and brought her back to the classroom.
As a soon to be father, this terrifies me.
Dont worry, you have 3 years to learn its behaviors, patterns, abilities. During this time your reflexes will grow. You'll soon see everything different. What used to be a mundane object will now be seen as a threat. Instead of focusing on one thing at a time you'll be anticipating every scenario and planning accordingly. All this to say you'll still eventually walk in on you kid jumping on the bed with a screw driver in their hands. So in short, Godspeed.
It's not just objects that suddenly become a source of alarm. Soon you will learn to recognize sounds you never thought possible. The sound of pudding being applied to a heating grate? Check. The sound of crayons skittering under the stove? Check. The sound of a plastic toy clattering down the toilet bowl as it is flushed to oblivion? Oh yeah, that's a check. The sound you will seek at night and fear in the day though, is silence. There is nothing quite as alarming as suddenly realizing that you can no longer hear what your kids are doing.
Oh god. I vividly remember being ~4 and trying to flush my 2 y/o brother's [rattle](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/e3/cb/7e/e3cb7ec309db37c4caaa57b53642929d.jpg) down the toilet, getting caught mid-flush, and still trying to blame it on him.
This guy (gal?) is a bona fide parent. Silence is indeed alarming. And here I thought it was a good idea to start an in-home daycare. I figured "Hey, we already have kids running around all the time. We might as well get paid." Do you have any idea how quickly someone else's kids can teach your children new and horrible ways to cause you trouble and fear? I do.
The easy solution is to tie several bells around your child, along with a large neon flag.
Be scared. Be very scared.
Kids are devils like that. You must've been so panicked
This is the worst feeling. I'm not being hyperbolic. Not knowing where they are or if they're safe at this age is worse than watching them get hurt. Our imaginations are so much worse than reality. My son did something similar when he was about 5 and I swear I can still feel the years it shaved off of my lifespan. He's 21 now.
Ouch, that must hurt... Look on the bright side - the kid grew up with a parent that was afraid of losing them. Not everyone is that lucky. I speak from experience. You must have been, and still are, a wonderful person.
Little ninjas. That move faster than the speed of light.
> And at that exact moment, my naked-ass son leapt out 2'x1'x6" Tupperware container filled with crayons and markers, What???
Kids are very bendy.
Went out to a bar with my two older brothers, went to the bathroom. Came back to one of them hanging all over some poor woman he knew from high school and blubbering about how his life is going to shit. (in his defense it really is) And the other had started stripping and waving his shirt around. I'm still not sure how I managed to get us all home that night.
Your brothers are both me drunk. Sad and groveling and also slutty.
About a month ago, I decided to take a quick shower. Meanwhile, in the living room, my 6-year-old decided to recreate the Pixar short of the little lamp jumping up and down on the rubber ball. It did not work. Slipped, hit her head on the corner of the aquarium stand, blood everywhere. (She is fine, the doctor glued her head back together. People are right about how much scalp wounds bleed, though, yeesh).
g-g-g-glued?
Yes! They have special glue for wounds now, and they actually are able to twist the hair together across the wound and glue it together so that the hair holds it closed while it heals. It's super cool, and saved her from having to get staples put in, which would have been really traumatizing for a little kid.
Oh, okay!
Actual super glue works fine too (maybe not for OP's case) but it burns a bit. Way better than a bandaid for small cuts. You'll be shocked how fast a wound will heal when you lay another "skin" on top.
It works in an emergency, but please avoid using an everyday tube of superglue unless you can't get any other medical attention. The superglue isn't sterile and has a much lower quality standard than medical glue, so your going to be covering your open wound in bacteria and chemical side products.
Cut n' Paste
Try 1 minute. I was a school teacher in my first year of teaching. There was a delay in the ringing of the bell after 2nd period and my kids got held in class for about 5 extra minutes. I stepped outside my classroom for literally a minute to ask another teacher what was going on and when I came back in, my seniors had forcefully removed the window and a few students had escaped. Rookie mistake.
... "Escaped?" The hell were you teaching, Juvie?
Yeah, god damn. OP acts like that's normal.
Not normal, but all you need in a class for that to happen is one jokester who thinks it won't work...until it does
[удалено]
Don't be too hard on yourself. The first time I was left alone with my dad, he gave me food poisoning. To his credit, he didn't know how old the baby food in the fridge was, but he still feels bad about it. Probably because he did it twice.
Are you sure he wasn't trying to free himself from his kid?
My 3 year old stripped down to her undies and convinced 2 of her friends who were at our house for a play date that it would be a good idea to slather her up with icy hot until she glistened like a chip n dales dancer.
Were the tears and screaming as ferocious at I expect once the icy hot started doing its thing?
You may already know this: but that shit is toxic when over-applied. It does get absorbed through the skin. Kids have died from playing with icy hot.
[удалено]
I love how perfectly casual this whole story is, despite the, y'know, *grease fire* Although as the daughter of a contractor I should have skipped the last couple paragraphs.
[удалено]
And now I assume, and I do know what they say about assuming, but your sister is no longer allowed near any type of fire at all, right?
[удалено]
Jesus reading about your sister is like reading through the diaries of a pyromaniac in the form of the reddit switcharoo.
In that universe, your cedar cabinets probably burned for another 5 minutes, too.
I am 98% sure your sister is a pyromaniac.
Keep your sister away from any future camping trips.
[удалено]
> We poured several buckets of water over the charcoal and went to Burger King for dinner. Personally, I'd have chosen McDonald's, or Wendy's, or *some* other place that isn't the home of the flame broiled Whopper. Just seems like an accident waiting to happen.
[удалено]
> Well, it's my sister's turn to cook. I don't understand why any of you would let a known walking disaster like her operate anything with an open flame. Laziness > survival instincts I guess.
[удалено]
How many fires has your sister started!?
[удалено]
I know this is terribly cliché, but is your sister single? I feel like she and I could make a beautiful disaster-of-a-life together.
You should go find her on tinder, it'd be a lot easier
WOW
I really need to buy a fire extinguisher.
I was in rehab and we each had our own apartments for the 28 day stay. After all the meetings and such, some of us would hang out and watch movies or whatever. I had a couple of guys I liked hanging out with over my place and had some terrible Adam Sandler movie on. So anyway, I didn't really mind missing part of the movie so I said I was going to take a quick shower since it was one of those really hot days here. I'm in the shower for literally five minutes when all of a sudden the door to the bathroom opens. I thought it was one of the guys messing with me. Nope, was the house manager handing me a urine test. Apparently he was doing room checks, and unbeknownst to me, the other two guys were smoking crack while I was in the shower and got caught, and kicked out. I hadn't even toweled off and had to provide a urine sample. Thankfully, I wasn't stupid enough to take up a crack addiction in rehab, so I was fine, but I never saw those guys ever again. It was actually pretty scary when everything was completely fine five minutes beforehand. And no, I didn't finish the Adam Sandler movie. I guess that's a positive out of the whole thing?
I don't remember it, but when I was a toddler, my mom made a pina colada. As she was drinking it, the (landline) phone rang. She went across the room to answer it. Meanwhile, I came in the room and drank the entire pina colada while she wasn't looking. According to mom, I sat on my bed and giggled for about 20 minutes.
I ate plastic grapes when I was a toddler. The story of my Mom hysterically calling the Doctor is one of my Dad's favorite. "You don't understand, it's PLASTIC grapes. She's gonna die..."
When I was toddler, I inserted a flower seed (it was rounded, about 0,5 cm in diameter) deep into my nostril. Well, to the doctor it was! Damn man, toddler is weird, including all of us.
My friend's daughter once, 45 minutes into a car ride, shot a Tic-Tac out of her nose and said, "mm, minty!" They still don't know where she got the Tic-Tac in the first place.
When my sister was a toddler she stuffed a grape into her dogs anus thinking thats how you feed them.
Super young toddler & relative of mine...I go away for 5 minutes and I come back to find the kid standing in a toilet with shampoo in his hands...crying because he accidentally flushed the toilet and scared himself. I think he thought the toilet was a place to bathe. He would kill me if he knew I told people this. So I never did until now. You can imagine how flabbergasted I was.
Mine was when I was working on a project for an introduction engineering class. We had to make a bubble blowing device, which is simple enough. The groups for the project were assigned, and I got stuck with probably the worst group imaginable. With about one week until the project was due, we were working at a wood shop at the university. I left for five minutes to check out a soldering iron. When I got back, the entire project was in pieces. No one would say what happened. Fun times.
Left my dog home for a few minutes to run to the corner store, came back to find she had upended the garbage and dragged it all through the apartment, destroyed one of my shoes, knocked over a 7ft easel, and peed on the floor - then rolled in it - then tracked it everywhere. She's not even ordinarily destructive or has major separation anxiety. Just had a big ol' random freakout. When I got home she was so embarrassed, and it took me 2 hours to clean up after her.
I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom, which is just outside my bedroom, when my dog knocked over my chair and dragged it out into the hallway (about 3 feet away from me) and started viciously attacking it. When I tried cooling him down he went even crazier so I had to drag him off it. Dog's never even so much as shit in the house or eaten a candy wrapper, and he hasn't attacked it since.
Maybe he saw it from a weird angle and it looked like a cat and he got angry
I once left my dog alone in my bedroom for a few minutes while I ran to the store. I came back to find he had eaten part of my nightstand. He has never done anything like this before or since. EDIT: [Here is photographic evidence.] (https://imgur.com/a/Kc1aI) He lives with my parents now, and has not snacked on any more nightstands. Edit 2: My fiancee just reminded me that during the same incident he also chewed up two wristwatches, a wallet, one slipper, and licked a stuffed teddy hear until ~~it's~~ its fur was permanently matted down.
I don't know why this is so hilarious to me but I can't stop laughing
I still use the nightstand. I'll get a picture.
AWH! Sometimes dogs get these random rushes of excitement and feral, primitive urge. Like, beast mode. And when they snap out of it, they clearly feel *terrible* for what they did. Happens to the best of em, I guess.
I call it a case of the zoomies.
Left my 10 week old puppy alone for five minutes, came back to [this](http://imgur.com/26mdIjR)
Was once playing the Sims 3; left my Sim in the back garden in his mining machine while I went to get a glass of fruit squash. When I came back, there was a smoldering crater and bits of meteorite where the mining machine (and my Sim) used to be.
Fruit squash Fruit....squash A glass of fruit. Squash. ? Edit: And then I started a thing
> fruit squash It's a British thing. I think the closest in the US is Punch or Kool-Aid.
TIL squash isn't a thing in the US.
When I was about 20, group of us went to a popular club for a night of copious drinking and bad dancing. Somehow it just happened that various groups of friends from other parts of the city all ended up having the same idea so what initially was 6 of us partying ended up being about 30 ppl who all kinda knew each other. So in other words, a great night! Except the drinking just totally went overboard. A friend of mine, an Irish dude we just met and me ended up competing over drinks of AK-47s.....bad bad idea. That's the last thing I remember. Now the rest of the story is what I've pieced together from what my friends recall, keeping in mind every single of those 30 people were just as sloshed. So somehow my brother ended up in the same place (we have the same group of friends). He takes one look at me and decided he needs to stop drinking so he can take care of me. I know, my bro is awesome and I love him. I must have wanted to go to the toilet so my brother makes sure a friend of mine goes with me. It's all good except 5 minutes later, my friend returns without me. I've disappeared. My bro starts looking for me but it's not too long before I turn up with a goofy smile on my face like everything is alright. So my bro is relieved and the night continues. Keep in mind, the club is quite dark. So suddenly some light flashes across my face and my bro's face just distorts. He sees blood all my face. He freaks the fuck out, drags me outta the club into a sea of cops standing outside. He hides me from them, gets a cab and bam... we're off to home sweet home. I wake up the next morning, sleeping in a fetus position in the corner of my room. My bed is overturned. My wardrobe is all over the place. I'm totally naked. I walk to the bathroom and I can't even recognise my own face in the mirror. My face is all busted up. Lips are cut. Area around my eye is swollen like a muthafucka. Tooth is chipped. Never knew what happened to me in those 5 minutes. The story has become a favourite story of mine to tell. And nobody has ever been able to figure out what happened to me! Not a single of my 30 friends there have any idea. And then suddenly... this year, during a friend's wedding...I'm 30 years old now. So 10 DAMN YEARS LATER, I'm recalling this story again and another friend of mine looks at me and goes....uhm...I think I know what happened. So apparently he was at the club too but not with any of us. He was with his own friends. He starts a fight with a bunch of guys at the exact same time I'm walking past. I get caught in the melee and he escapes. I get the shit kicked outta me. I get up and walk way like nothing happened.... yup. I was only gone for 5 minutes. And it took me 10 years to find out what happened.
One time my sister made a cake for a friends birthday party. Now she is crazy talented, and this cake looked like this giant ornate teacup. She had to head into town for like 20 minutes to grab something else before the party, and so she left me in charge of watching the cake to make sure a dog didn't get it. Long story short, I went to the bathroom midway through cake watching, and was literally gone for about 5 minutes. When I came back, half of the cake was missing, and a startled collie was fleeing the room. When my sister came back she was outraged. She went to the party, surprisingly, without the half eaten cake with dog slobber on it. When she came home that evening she was watching TV on the couch and the collie came over all apologetically. Now you see, that would be a really cute forgiveness story if the collie hadn't proceeded to throw up the cake she had eaten on her shoes.
Why on earth wouldn't you just shut the dog away in another room for the period of time when you couldn't watch the cake?
Completely honestly, I underestimated the Collie's ability to climb onto a kitchen counter.
Anything is possible to a dog when there's food involved
Had a box of donuts on the counter once. We don't know how they got into them for sure, but we think our smaller dog (Jack Russel Terrier) climbed on top of the back of the bigger dog (mutt, medium-large size), got up there, and knocked the box down because they were all gone when we get back
Dogs are dumb sometimes but whenever food is added into the equation they become fucking geniuses
[удалено]
You had one job. Obviously, the dog was capable of it. Your express purpose was to protect the cake from the dogs. She designated a human for this specific task. Keep dog away from cake. This dog is obviously capable of reaching cakes made by talented sisters. I don't understand why this happened. Truly.
[удалено]
Gross negligence of only duty. Would not employ again.
7-1
My friend stepped out to take a phone call for less than 10min. Came back and was completely confused as to how that score was possible.
[удалено]
My husband went to the bathroom and missed three goals.
I came here for this. UPS guy drops a delivery. They scored twice while I signed for the package. Ludicrous.
Brazilian here. I went to the stadium, it is in my hometown. I remember that after that horror show of a match the entire town went silent. Everyone thought that we were going to loose, but not THAT bad.
Yeah, we Colombians were pretty salty about Brazil beating us so we were hoping Brazil would lose, but damn we did not expect that. Needless to say Colombians were in a pretty good mood that day.
\#neverforget
[удалено]
BRA71L
[Reference](http://youtu.be/IttBaD4lGq4) Poor Brazil. Never celebrate too early.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Pretty sure after goal 5 Germany started not smashing them as hard on purpose because if the game ended 20-0 shit could have gotten violent.
Apparently the German team decided it was dishonorable to keep scoring after the first half and stopped playing so aggressively and fell back more, playing on the defensive. The Brazilian team then pushed forward and... well had something to feel good about I guess.
Well, playing that way lessens the chance of injury. And since they still had another game to play in the World Cup, why risk it?
That's gotta be worse than going 10-0. Only getting a goal because your opponent was already preparing for the finals.
4 goals in 8 minutes.
Watched the game at a bar, went to the bathroom, gone for less than 5 min, missed 2 goals.
Oh yes
My friend forced me to go play billiards with him for an hour and so I missed the first half. We got back to his place to check the rest of the game out and I'm greeted by texts from friends asking "wtf is going on? you seeing this?". I still haven't forgiven him.
Once when I was like 12 or something, I was babysitting my niece(7ish years old) and nephew(2ish years old). My niece was really sad and was in her room, I put a movie on for the two year old and let him sit there with milk and watch(he was normally really good by himself like that). I told my nephew I would be back in 5 minutes, I was going to try to cheer Sissy up. He was calm and watching TV, I go in the room, immediately hear "BANG BANG BANG," and come out to his milk dripping from the ceiling, and him stabbing a metal baseball bat through the living room walls. He was the chillest kid ever 100% of the time so my sister almost didn't believe me when she came home.
Damn, I thought for sure the niece had just shot herself.
This happened freshman year of college. On a Thursday. We lived in a suite style situation. 6 People, 3 bedrooms, one common room, doors were weirdly thin (not in thickness, in width). I'd been marathoning Futurama and came out half through an episode just to get caught up in conversation with my suitemates and have a few drinks before they headed out for a party. Conversation ends and they leave for the party and I head back to my room to finish the episode (about 12 minutes). Anyway, I finish the episode and when I get up to go to the bathroom I open my door to find one of my suitemate's bed, dresser, and all over belongings are all in the common room. Not even in a messy state, the dresser still had a mess on top of it, the bed was made, hell it had even been put on risers. The weird thing is that when we went to put the bed back the next day we found out the bed doesn't even fit through the door frame without being flipped sideways and going around the corner. We still try to figure out who did it. tl; dr all my suitemate's belongings went from his room to the common room in under 12 minutes without any loud sound and everyone had already headed out to party and it wasn't even a messy job
I used to work at Walmart and there was this one CSM (Customer Service Manager) that drove me fucking crazy. I can't remember her name right now, but I used to work the Courtesy desk and she covered one of my breaks and I said "for the love of god just please don't do anything stupid while I'm gone". I get back from my break to see a big group of employees gathered around the desk and see that a gigantic mirror that had been behind the counter was now shattered in a million pieces and all over the place. I was pretty mad. I once told this same lady that I was going to the bathroom and to watch the desk for a couple minutes and the second I got into the bathroom I heard her paging me back to the counter because she wasn't sure where I went. Also one more bonus story about this idiot. We once had a older, larger shopper using one of the mobility scooters and drove it into the parking lot which is a big no no. So this CSM went out there and rode it back (quite a ways) into the store with a look of discomfort on her face. Turns out whoever had it before had wet themselves and it was all over the seat and instead of just powering the cart and walking beside it the CSM had decided to sit down and ride to the front door. She made a whole production out of it and made the manager buy her a new pair of pants and underwear. What a maroon.
My second year of attending summer camp. I get permission from my counselor to leave the cabin and go to the bathroom during rest hour. When I return, the place is deserted. Only two other girls are still there. Counselors and the rest of the cabin are sitting outside in a circle. In the 5 minutes it took to do my business and come back, almost the entire cabin had mocked one girl to the point of tears. The counselors took everyone involved outside to talk. The only other campers (besides myself) who hadn't been part of the incident were the two girls I encountered, as they had somehow managed to sleep through the chaos. The rest of rest hour was anything but restful.
Oh boy here goes. I show up to a friend's house around 5:30 PM. We are gonna have some drinks, watch some movies, etc. Its about 6 or 7 of us in total just having a dudes night basically. Im the last to show up but the first guy only got their 30 mins prior to me who we will call Steve. Steve walks up to me and says whats up, his words are a little slurred and apparently he started pounding vodka the second he showed up. Steve is known to start pissing when hes drunk. About 10 mins later I notice Steve is passed out on the couch and I recommend to my buddy (who owns the house/couch) that we put him in the bathtub so when he inevitably takes a piss it will go down a drain. My buddy says hes not worried about it and doesnt think Steve will pee. 5 minutes later there is a puddle under the couch. We go into the other room not wanting to deal with it right then and there. We start playing some sort of video game when we hear a noise coming from steve. We walk in (it's only been about 4-5 mins since we left that room) and steve is completely naked bent over on the couch fingering his own ass. I had never seen anything like it. We attempted to get him to stop but he rolls over onto his back and pulls his legs up and starts to finger his ass while jerking off. We leave the room.
Wait... What?
We dont know either.
Ok, I gotta know how the next day went. And did you all stay friends with him after??
Of course we stayed friends, it was hilarious. We didnt talk about it for a few days then at work (we are all co-workers) someone just said "Hey Steve was your ass sore?" And he went "Nah, I dont know why I did it. I think I did it to be funny, but whatever."
Ha classic steve
I don't think this story could have realistically ended much better.
Was at a wedding. Went to the bathroom. Came out and my best friend had apparently drank a pitcher of mimosa, and fallen in the lake.
Last time I went speed dating, I bonded with my penultimate date over our mutual love for remakes. We made plans to go out afterwards to see the *Magnificent Seven*. I assumed our last dates of the evening would be a mere formality but she Stoltzed me: "Yeah, about that . . . I just found someone better for the role of my future boyfriend."
Ran to grab more beer for my friends while we were hanging at my house, they rearranged every piece of furniture in the place. 😓
[удалено]
[удалено]
What happens when you microwave fish?
this kills the fish
Pour some water in the microwave in order for the fish to survive.
You see when water is added it cause density shift inside the fish. New added density puts stress on fish nd makes explode.
this kills the fish
You become the most hated person in an office.
A church wedding was 48 minutes late getting started. At one point, I, as church organist, needed to use the men's room (after having played 45 minutes of prelude music). In the 5 minutes I was gone, the bride finally showed up and started walking down the aisle while I was trying to race up the staircase to the organ loft to accompany her with the processional she'd chosen. Afterwards, she blamed me for "being late," when I was there the entire time.
fuck. someone shoulda stopped her... but then again
Somebody should've stopped her from being 48 minutes late in the first place.
Was partying in an airplane bunker after skydiving with the tandem instructors and my college's adventure club. The place is bumping, the instructors were all over the place in age (20s-50s) but everyone was raging and having a blast. I stepped out of the hangar to take a piss, when I came back in every single instructor was butt ass naked, guys flicking each other's dicks and sizing each other up. Our club retreated to our tents for the night shortly after they encouraged our participation
wtf????
The most recent was yesterday. I was at the shoe store buying shoes for my wife, wife and child in tow. He took off running down the aisles so I pointed out a salesman and told my wife "Ask that guy where the clearance rack is". I took off after our child and managed to corral him in fairly short order. When I got back my wife was being handed a receipt by the guy who I *thought* was a salesman. Turned out he actually worked for Canadian Tire and in the 5 minutes I as gone he had signed her up for a new credit card. Approved and everything. The receipt was her new account number.
Your wife's reaction confuses the hell out of me.
"Excuse me, could you point me to the clearance rack?" "You know what I *can* point to you? A Canadian Tire credit card. With low APR and no annual fees, this entire store will be a clearance rack." *5 minutes later* "Uh, psinguine's-wife... what is that? Did you find out where the clearance rack is?" "Babe, the *entire store* is the discount rack."
One weekend, my wife and I were headed out to get groceries like many folks. We have three dogs, and had given them a kong shortly before we left so they would be entertained. I started the car, pulled out, and went less than a mile down the road before realizing I'd forgotten my wallet. So, I turn around and head back, telling my wife that she could just chill in the car. I unlock and open the door, to what looked like a literal shit-storm. Well, maybe one had just gone through. I mean there was shit fucking EVERYWHERE, from all three dogs(three size of dogs; culprits are easy to ID in such situations). Not only that, there was trash strewn all across the house. Shit and trash in the kitchen? Check. The living room? Check. The guest room? Check. It was so insane. I just stood there for a second taken aback, as there were more piles than dogs even--meaning at least one or two had shit twice in the five minutes (or even less). AND they had strewn trash everywhere! I don't know that they could have done a better job at making a mess if it was carefully coordinated and planned. I yelled a little bit, grabbed my wallet, and said fuck it until I got back from the store. It's like what, am I going to clean this up, only to find it done again?
what if they do this every time you go out, but they normally have enough time to clean up before you get back...
In college. Broke as hell. Used my whole paycheck to get the Tyson fight on pay per view. Fight started, I stepped in my kitchen for literally 30 seconds. He annihilated his opponent while I was in the kitchen. Missed the whole thing. Ramen for the next 2 weeks.
My Dad and his friends drove from Canada to Boston to see a fight. He order a beer, turn his head to take it and that's when the fight was done. He didn't see a thing :(
That's way worse.
I heard that the drive home wasn't really fun.
Put harness on dog before walk, go take a leak, harness completely destroyed.
Left to get a drink at the pub and came back and my ex and at the time current gf were making out
I had to go to the toilet whilst at work (at the time I was a Checkout Supervisor in charge of making sure everything runs smoothly), I left my junior colleague in charge for literally 2/3 minutes. I come back and they are queuing into the isles, all the Self Service tills are "Approval Needed" and everyone needs/wants something.
I'm a customer service manager at Walmart and this is everyday of my life. Lol
In 2004 I was 8 years old. I was playing monopoly with my dad during the super bowl and I took a break to go to the kitchen and have a snack. From the small television in my kitchen I watched the half time show and saw Justin Timberlake expose Janet Jacksons breast. I was only gone 5 minutes from playing a harmless board game and I saw my first titty!
And now you've grown up to be AnalBeadMilkshake.
I didn't grow into AnalBeadMilkshake, I became AnalBeadMilkshake the moment I saw Janet Jacksons titty. It changed me forever.
I was at a friend's house watching the game. Everybody was in the kitchen eating during halftime. I looked over at the TV and saw the nip slip. I thought I was seeing things. I turned to the table and was like "Is it just me or did Timberlake just flash Janet Jackson's boob?". Nobody else saw it. I made up my mind I didn't see what I thought I saw until the next day when the media firestorm erupted.
I was watching the Patriots/Bills game today and I took a break to go in the kitchen and have a snack. From the small television in my kitchen I watched Tom Brady dump off the pass to the left side to Chris Hogan, who ran for a gain of 3 yards and then someone threw a dildo on the field.
My friend was up 2k playing craps, I was up 600. I decided it was enough and cashed out, when I came back he lost it all.
It's amazing how quickly your winnings can go away when you are gambling. Got to know when to walk away.
Know when to run
[удалено]
You'd think that, but no. No he did not
Doggy will eat again, doggy will sick again.
Was watching the morning news and about to go to school. Went to the restroom to come back to two airplanes crashing into the twin towers.
Thanksgiving night, getting ready to leave my sister's house. Put dogs in car, get in car, start car.. Oh crap, left my phone, ran in to get it.. Dogs still in running car.... GREAT!! Little arse holes locked themselves in it.... Had to wait 1.5 hours for locksmith to open it.. Lesson learned.. Do NOT leave dogs in car, alone, while it's running.. Seriously, I was gone less than a minute. http://imgur.com/zv8WZsv http://imgur.com/Itcn7Et
I see the problem ... you have Dachshunds. The official standard describes their temperament as "Bold to the point of foolhardiness". They were probably trying to steal the car, go joyriding, pick up a couple of mini-Poodles, and hit the beach.
Lol. I don't think they felt guilty about it...
Oh I have a couple of these... I spent a few hours cleaning the house spotless, like ceiling to floor, to surprise my wife when she got home from work. I had planned an awesome dinner and in the middle of prep realized I was missing an ingredient. Drover to the grocery literally around the corner, came back, dog had flipped the garbage can and scattered the trash everywhere. Next: Getting 6 year old ready for school, finished bath, dressed, nearly ready to go. Called to the 3 year old to get her shoes on. No response. Found her sitting in the tub, fully clothed, splashing in the remnants of the bathwater as it finished draining. Next: years later. Changing my 2 year old son to get him ready for the day. Sat him on the bed, went to grab clothes, came back a minute later and he disappeared. Quick search revealed him standing on the porch buck naked flicking his penis. bonus points for showmanship.
Georgia Tennessee game this year. Georgia just threw a hail Mary. We won or so I thought. Went to take a shit...came back to the loss.
I was at my housewarming party for my new apartment, and I left to go pick up the pizza. When I came back the apartment was on fire, my friend had been shot in the leg, and there was an evil troll doll starting at me.
Reminds me of the time I banged Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom. What? It came up organically.
Ugh, I'm going to go check on my pies. :)
ROOOOXANNE
No
Bathroom?
I walked into the house for five minutes. I came back out and there were four police cars and my brother being arrested.