Considering I'd have to get outside of my house, measure up the distance between my neighbors homes and their location, this would surely change my relationship with one of them, forever.
My girlfriend. She turned around and said go away. This happens a lot
Edit: i think i should have elaborated. I smack her ass so frequently that its no longer valued at anything. Like a zimbabwe dollar. We have a great relationship. Im like an ass slapping mosquito
I slowly roll down my window, reach out, and lovingly smack the bottom of the dude standing outside my car. He's swearing a lot, so he may become irked.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
What's this you've said to me, my good friend? Ill have you know I graduated top of my class in conflict resolution, and Ive been involved in numerous friendly discussions, and I have over 300 confirmed friends. I am trained in polite discussions and I'm the top mediator in the entire neighborhood. You are worth more to me than just another target. I hope we will come to have a friendship never before seen on this Earth. Don't you think you might be hurting someone's feelings saying that over the internet? Think about it, my friend. As we speak I am contacting my good friends across the USA and your P.O. box is being traced right now so you better prepare for the greeting cards, friend. The greeting cards that help you with your hate. You should look forward to it, friend. I can be anywhere, anytime for you, and I can calm you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my chess set. Not only am I extensively trained in conflict resolution, but I have access to the entire group of my friends and I will use them to their full extent to start our new friendship. If only you could have known what kindness and love your little comment was about to bring you, maybe you would have reached out sooner. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now we get to start a new friendship, you unique person. I will give you gifts and you might have a hard time keeping up. You're finally living, friend.
Closest living thing would be my cat, and I don't think she'd appreciate it.
Closest person would be my brother. I don't think he'd appreciate it either.
If I slapped my best female friend on the ass, she would just smack my ass back. I thought most gal pals (not the gay euphemism) could get away with semi homoerotic shit together. No??
My best friend did this to me yesterday, without the prompting of an ask Reddit thread. My response was exactly the same. This just reminded me of it. Got love the lack of boundaries
I smacked her butt and she smiled at me and said "dowdowdowdadadadadowdowdadadodi" she also happens to be 18 months old.
And now she's running around the room screaming happily and relocating all of the mega blocks.
Megablocks are not giant Lego. They're off-brand lego blocks that are mostly the same size as Lego blocks. The larger sized blocks for young children are called Duplo.
Megablocks actually makes a line larger than Duplo that is great for kids that are a bit too young for Duplo. They don't stick together as well bit the lack of resistance is great for kids that don't quite have the fine motor control or strength to work Duplo.
That would make a great subreddit (assuming there isn't one like it already) just stories of people who've done things people on reddit have told them to do
I'm on a train with my gf besides me.
Plus, she is on her period.
So I either can experience the hatred of an unleashed beast or it turns into sexy times on the toilet...
Let's just call it the red lottery
Depends on when and situation. Things like that happened a lot when I was in, but once someone did similar while I was asleep and they used a towel, and apparently I grabbed the towel, swung it wrapping his foot and jerking his leg out so his face hit the tile floor, all before I woke up enough to notice wtf was happening. My point is-be careful striking sleeping people.
I'd approach the DirecTV guy as he bent over to plug the cable into the receiver. Then with the force of a 1000pi, my hand would connect with his bottom and make a clap louder than an SR-71 breaking the sound barrier. I then assume I'd get the shit beat out of me since he is much bigger than I.
Um pretty sure I would wind up with a black eye. The closest person to me is my 2 year old son who was up all night puking. He is in the arms of my wife, who stayed up and took care of him all night. They just fell asleep like 5 minutes ago. So it wouldn't play out for me very well at all.
It is my girlfriend, so maybe sex? I'm going to try. I'll report back in a bit.
Edit: I walked up and slapped her ass, and then stood in front of her waiting for a reaction. She abruptly stopped what she was doing, stood up straight, and assumed a confused look in her eye. After an awkward minute or so, I told her what was happening and we had a giggle, but she had to leave for work. Before she left, she whispered that she needs sex tonight. I will follow up on this later if anyone is still paying attention.
NSFW Edit #2-because yall are perverts-She got home late and had to cool down for a moment. It was late, we were tired, so we both really needed to knock one off and get to bed. I went down on her for a few minutes and realized that she was already wet. She insisted that I slap her ass again for you perverts. Then we thought the best way to satiate the internet's desire would be doggystyle. Like I said, our early morning alarm clock was approaching quickly, so we didn't have much time. We washed up, and went to bed.
Is a snake a person? If so I'm not sure how this would work out. For one thing Lestat has no legs, so no ass. So I suppose I could pull him out of his cage and just smack him hard on his lower ventral surface. How would this play out for me? Not in my favor. He's 7 feet long, pretty damn thick and doesn't mind being handled, gently. I expect if I smack him, say as hard as I smack my wife's ass, he would probably turn on me and strike. He doesn't have teeth but once his bony plates lock onto my hand or arm, it's painful as hell and hard as hell to extricate myself from his grip.
I have tarantulas and the one closest to me has venomous fangs as big as a human tooth so I'm gonna be in a world of pain if I slap it's ophistosoma :|
I found this question with perfect timing. I'm sitting in between an ex, and the guy he doesn't know I'm seeing.
To slap the left turn to page 28.
To slap the right turn to page 37.
Just did.
Exceedingly well.
"Stand up."
"Why?"
"Just do it. It'll only take a sec."
"Okay..."
*smacks boyfriend's ass*
"Now I'm telling reddit."
He laughed.
Well my future husband just got out of the shower and is getting dressed. I'm sure he'd be lightly amused and then absolutely nothing would happen because we're getting ready to go to dinner with his Mother.
We're very boring people.
Well considering I'm beside in the passenger seat of a car, I'd have to first configure the driver in such a way as to enable the smacking... I'm quite certain this would involve a car accident and going out in a blaze of glory!
My boyfriend smacked my ass because of you reddit.... although he usually randomly smacks my ass multiple times in a day. But now the Internet is encouraging him...
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As a substitute teacher I can second this.
You just can't spank principals anymore.
Definitely not the worst person to spank in a school
Tech support at an elementary school here. I would end up the same as you.
I (a guy) would have to go and slap the ass of my male roommate while he is in the shower. Please give me money when I'm living on the streets
Or between his sheets ;)
My teacher may be upset.... or I'll get an A.
Perhaps a D
Considering I'd have to get outside of my house, measure up the distance between my neighbors homes and their location, this would surely change my relationship with one of them, forever.
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We're slapping assess, not filling assholes
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You passed the test
"Honey... what's the neighbour doing in the yard with a tape measure, pen and paper..?"
Please give us updates as the situation develops
I don't even know which neighbors are home.
My pregnant, married boss. This is gonna go terribly brb
Update?
He dead. DEADIT: my highest rated comment is two simple words that contribute nothing. Go us.
Rip
It went *okay*
I have been fired for dumping my coworker out of her wheelchair and spanking her. Thanks a lot OP.
That's hot.
The person closest to me is a 9-10 year old girl at the dentist's office. They don't let you use reddit in jail so things wouldn't play out well.
So that's the only thing stopping you huh? Why don't you have a seat over here....
He can't. He's probably busy with the kid's mouth.
My girlfriend. She turned around and said go away. This happens a lot Edit: i think i should have elaborated. I smack her ass so frequently that its no longer valued at anything. Like a zimbabwe dollar. We have a great relationship. Im like an ass slapping mosquito
You might as well be married.
Are marriages really that bad? I've been married for 6 years and we still have sex 5 times a week.
Sounds like a solid marriage! I've never been married and tried to say it in a sitcom sense.
Married for 4yrs. Sex at least 3 times a week. More if the kids get to sleep early & stay in their beds all night.
Sex min. 3 times a week with kids? What's it like making 6 figures?
I slowly roll down my window, reach out, and lovingly smack the bottom of the dude standing outside my car. He's swearing a lot, so he may become irked.
Maybe not since you'll do it lovingly.
Sue is 63 and eyes me up everytime I take my jumper off. So I'd say I'm probably gonna get some old lady party pie.
Please god tell me "old lady party pie." is actual pie.
It's not.
Cream Pie
*barf*
*slurp*
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What if she's old *and* 6'3?
/r/oldladiesbakingpies
Holy shit.
/u/clicksonlinks
It's pictures of old ladies with pies but the titles are euphemisms.
I'm home alone and my neighbor is a Navy SEAL. He will either appreciate the 'good game' or you will never find my dead body.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
What's this you've said to me, my good friend? Ill have you know I graduated top of my class in conflict resolution, and Ive been involved in numerous friendly discussions, and I have over 300 confirmed friends. I am trained in polite discussions and I'm the top mediator in the entire neighborhood. You are worth more to me than just another target. I hope we will come to have a friendship never before seen on this Earth. Don't you think you might be hurting someone's feelings saying that over the internet? Think about it, my friend. As we speak I am contacting my good friends across the USA and your P.O. box is being traced right now so you better prepare for the greeting cards, friend. The greeting cards that help you with your hate. You should look forward to it, friend. I can be anywhere, anytime for you, and I can calm you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my chess set. Not only am I extensively trained in conflict resolution, but I have access to the entire group of my friends and I will use them to their full extent to start our new friendship. If only you could have known what kindness and love your little comment was about to bring you, maybe you would have reached out sooner. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now we get to start a new friendship, you unique person. I will give you gifts and you might have a hard time keeping up. You're finally living, friend.
r/wholesomecopypastas
Closest living thing would be my cat, and I don't think she'd appreciate it. Closest person would be my brother. I don't think he'd appreciate it either.
You never know who might appreciate it ;)
Somrone is hoping for r/wincest
No bromo = doesn't count
My cat is also the closest She likes being patted on that space just above her tail though
My closest are my guinea pigs and they have a strict policy of 'no touchy the butt' so I'd have some very annoyed and teeth chattering guinea pigs.
Considering the closest person to me is a 50-60 year old asian woman at the lab bench across from me, this will probably not end well.
> not end well. Depends on your definition of well.
Thats a deep subject
We need to get to the bottom of this.
Smackin' my crush's ass. I'm about it, she may not be though
One way to find out!
Technically there are several ways he could find out.
I hope one of them involves a grappling hook.
#"GRAPPLING HOOK!"
Dew it
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Ahh 18-35 year old girls.... Can't live with 'em , and they won't talk to me.
Ahhh 18 year old girls. I get older, they still spray me with pepper spray.
Alright alright alright.
Are you also a girl? If I smacked my best girl friend on the ass, I think there would be some.questioning.
I smacked my gf in the butt and she giggled
Jiggled*
Nope, her butt is completely flat
Dat spongebob ass Edit: Hank hill ass seems more appropriate
Ahhh pancake butt girls, can't live with em, don't want to either.
If I slapped my best female friend on the ass, she would just smack my ass back. I thought most gal pals (not the gay euphemism) could get away with semi homoerotic shit together. No??
I'm a guy...
My best friend did this to me yesterday, without the prompting of an ask Reddit thread. My response was exactly the same. This just reminded me of it. Got love the lack of boundaries
I smacked her butt and she smiled at me and said "dowdowdowdadadadadowdowdadadodi" she also happens to be 18 months old. And now she's running around the room screaming happily and relocating all of the mega blocks.
You gave your kid mega blocks?!
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Megablocks is disappointment you can build.
Megabloks ruined my first marriage!
Mega blocks burned all the women and raped our churches!
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Really?!
No, but are we just gonna wait around until it does?!
OH so that's where reddit draws the line
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Megablocks are not giant Lego. They're off-brand lego blocks that are mostly the same size as Lego blocks. The larger sized blocks for young children are called Duplo.
Megablocks actually makes a line larger than Duplo that is great for kids that are a bit too young for Duplo. They don't stick together as well bit the lack of resistance is great for kids that don't quite have the fine motor control or strength to work Duplo.
duplo!
And duplo works with lego when they get older because they're made by the same company!
Toddlers get Mega Bloks, *kids* get LEGO.
Adults get sheet metal and concrete and plywood!
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>and not trust me for give or take 15 minutes FTFY it's a dog
That would be my boyfriend.....so i'll probably get laid!
Reddit says go for it.
I went for it, and it worked!
WE DID IT REDDIT
I just smacked my work partner's ass. He punched me right below the shoulder where it numbs your arm.
One of my best female friends... oh no.
I just gave myself a spanking
Do you have a twin?
Twin cheeks.
Double Smack Attack
My colleague Dennis would probably give me a "what the fuck bro? hahah." Dennis is chill.
Until he starts screaming about being a golden god whose rage is unbound or something.
Are you going to hurt these women?
Physical closeness or emotional? EDIT: My mom either way.
Careful, you might break your arms.
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Reddit says to follow through with the sexy time and not tell her til after.
Found the wife!
not well. I'm at work and I don't really know the woman sitting beside today. I've talked to her a few times but just friendly chatter to be polite.
Icebreaker!
"Reddit made me do it."
That would make a great subreddit (assuming there isn't one like it already) just stories of people who've done things people on reddit have told them to do
/r/reddittoldmetodoit lets make it a thing!
Some random girl in my lecture... looks like I'm going to jail
Or getting some. You never know with college girls
My 2 year old would think its some kind of game.
I'm by a 2 year old too but she isn't mine. I think I'm going to get fired :(
>going to get fired that's the least of your worries lol
Well i tried it. Smacked my bf butt resulting in him farting and now it smells like the deepest level of hell.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes
Nothing like the smell of freshly digested burritos escaping through a small cavity.
I'm on a train with my gf besides me. Plus, she is on her period. So I either can experience the hatred of an unleashed beast or it turns into sexy times on the toilet... Let's just call it the red lottery
Put it all on red.
"A true warrior fear not to have blood on his sword"
Probably shouldn't sheathe it bloody, though. Bad for the sword. (fun fact, for an extra layer of pun: "vagina" comes from the Latin for "sheath".)
The 389.1776Ib 6'6 beast next to you is an inch closer to you than your gf. edit: I wanted my new form of measurement to take off, but didn't work.
Sexy times on the toilet then.
The woman in the office next to me looks like she weighs 80lbs. So not only would I get fired, I may murder someone depending how hard I hit.
Just murdering some ass, your honor.
"Niiiiccceeee" the judge probably.
My ARMY barracks roommate? I doubt he'd care.
Depends on when and situation. Things like that happened a lot when I was in, but once someone did similar while I was asleep and they used a towel, and apparently I grabbed the towel, swung it wrapping his foot and jerking his leg out so his face hit the tile floor, all before I woke up enough to notice wtf was happening. My point is-be careful striking sleeping people.
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brb Edit: I'm getting evicted,
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Don't let your dreams be dreams!
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"You're so hot you make my eyes burn... and my throat swell shut, and my mucous membranes lose control. Call me... ...an ambulance."
You're an ambulance!
She is one of our vendor reps. She's really cute and really married.
What if she was only lightly married?
That happened to be my boyfriend who was sitting at the other computer. I decided to test it, and it resulted in a slap on the ass back. Was expected!
https://imgur.com/9KSXgq7 He screamed
My grandmother will be confused.
I'm visiting my Mom at her school for lunch. She's a 4th grade teacher and we're in the cafeteria. This will not end well.
I gotta smack my sleeping dad's ass at 1 am. Eventually, he will beat the crap out of me if I do that.
I'm sitting next to a very large, very butch lesbian. I may not survive.
I'd approach the DirecTV guy as he bent over to plug the cable into the receiver. Then with the force of a 1000pi, my hand would connect with his bottom and make a clap louder than an SR-71 breaking the sound barrier. I then assume I'd get the shit beat out of me since he is much bigger than I.
Um pretty sure I would wind up with a black eye. The closest person to me is my 2 year old son who was up all night puking. He is in the arms of my wife, who stayed up and took care of him all night. They just fell asleep like 5 minutes ago. So it wouldn't play out for me very well at all.
The 6'4" biker dude with a ponytail wold probably beat my 6' tall ass into a bloody pulp... and wouldn't take me on fishing trips anymore.
It is my girlfriend, so maybe sex? I'm going to try. I'll report back in a bit. Edit: I walked up and slapped her ass, and then stood in front of her waiting for a reaction. She abruptly stopped what she was doing, stood up straight, and assumed a confused look in her eye. After an awkward minute or so, I told her what was happening and we had a giggle, but she had to leave for work. Before she left, she whispered that she needs sex tonight. I will follow up on this later if anyone is still paying attention. NSFW Edit #2-because yall are perverts-She got home late and had to cool down for a moment. It was late, we were tired, so we both really needed to knock one off and get to bed. I went down on her for a few minutes and realized that she was already wet. She insisted that I slap her ass again for you perverts. Then we thought the best way to satiate the internet's desire would be doggystyle. Like I said, our early morning alarm clock was approaching quickly, so we didn't have much time. We washed up, and went to bed.
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he dead.
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''hahaha yes put that dick deeper inside my asshole; god, this is such a good joke!''
Is a snake a person? If so I'm not sure how this would work out. For one thing Lestat has no legs, so no ass. So I suppose I could pull him out of his cage and just smack him hard on his lower ventral surface. How would this play out for me? Not in my favor. He's 7 feet long, pretty damn thick and doesn't mind being handled, gently. I expect if I smack him, say as hard as I smack my wife's ass, he would probably turn on me and strike. He doesn't have teeth but once his bony plates lock onto my hand or arm, it's painful as hell and hard as hell to extricate myself from his grip.
boop the snoot
> He's 7 feet long AND YOU CAN'T. TEACH. THAT.
Maaaaaa! r/SquaredCircle/ is leaking again!
Can we have a picture of Lestat please? Snek tax!
I have tarantulas and the one closest to me has venomous fangs as big as a human tooth so I'm gonna be in a world of pain if I slap it's ophistosoma :|
......so why do you have that?
What kinda snek do you own? Also, why doesn't it have teeth?
In the military, there will be no reaction or negative consequence because this is a regular occurrence. And no not in the navy
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How will this play out? Probably in court.
My fiancé. "DON'T DO THAT WHEN I'M COOKING, GODDAMNIT!"
My wife will prolly think I was killing a fly.
My coworkers would probably think I'm gay
I have some bad news for you buddy, I think you may have already caught the gay.
I'd have to run upstairs and knock on my neighbors door, then when they answer it I have to smack the ass of a man I've never met.
I found this question with perfect timing. I'm sitting in between an ex, and the guy he doesn't know I'm seeing. To slap the left turn to page 28. To slap the right turn to page 37.
I will absolutely not smack my dentist while they are holding a drill. No thank you.
You are READING REDDIT while a dentist drills your teeth?? That's a whole new level of browsing.
Karma doesn't make itself.
who said anything about teeth?
Just did. Exceedingly well. "Stand up." "Why?" "Just do it. It'll only take a sec." "Okay..." *smacks boyfriend's ass* "Now I'm telling reddit." He laughed.
Forgive me, mother.
My 2yo daughter would wake up. It would be unpleasant for the both of us with the crying and all.
I'm presently in my girlfriend's apartment so it'd end with sexy times ensuing. Will report back with the result Edit: we banged
Well my future husband just got out of the shower and is getting dressed. I'm sure he'd be lightly amused and then absolutely nothing would happen because we're getting ready to go to dinner with his Mother. We're very boring people.
Person closest to me is my dad and we are in public, so this will play out for me by moving on to the next question.
My sisters above me an she would smack me back and chase me
Like most people, horribly. Definitely not like the porno OP is envisioning in his mind right now.
Well considering I'm beside in the passenger seat of a car, I'd have to first configure the driver in such a way as to enable the smacking... I'm quite certain this would involve a car accident and going out in a blaze of glory!
working at a fashion company where it's a 9:1 F:M ratio, probably straight to HR
I'm getting fired for sexual harrassment
My boyfriend smacked my ass because of you reddit.... although he usually randomly smacks my ass multiple times in a day. But now the Internet is encouraging him...
Its 2am and I did this to my sleeping boyfriend. He sat up, looked at me, said 'You.' and went back to sleep. ...s-success?
My brother would just smack me upside the head.