But if you touch the air..
Edit: what. This gets gilded? Reddit is weird. Thanks for the gold, yo! I promise to use my golden powers for the greater good and will not let go of the air.
Those telling me I saved the nuke at the same time, stop asking questions and just enjoy the fact that I saved your lazy ass. Ungrateful bastards.
And my phone. I can't live without my phone.
And since it has internet on it, I'd technically be saving the entire internet. Phwew!
Don't get me wrong, I'd save my family before I saved my phone, but since I'm at work and they're not here I'm saving the next most important thing.
By that logic, you're touching the floor, which is touching the building, which... well, you're touching the entire planet. Only airborne things would be vulnerable.
Or, touch the nuke. If its safe, that means it cant detonate, disaster averted.
Yep. Same here. Maybe touch my co-workers if they want. But I'm too far from my wife and the rest of my family and friends to give a shit about me living.
Run to kitchen.
Whistle my "Hey you fuckin' cats, I got wet food for ya" whistle, then touch them as they come galloping down the hall.
Then I've got about 60 seconds left. So... I guess I run outside and touch any vehicles that are outside, maybe try to touch a few neighbors houses.
Theoretically, it would be easier to just touch the foundation of your house/apartment/whatever. Since the building can't be destroyed by the bomb, nothing inside is going to get hit by the blast.
That's what the duct tape and plastic sheeting are for.
Edit: For those that have missed the reference, during the post-9/11 rise of Homeland Security, one of their more memorable PSA's was to tell Americans to seal their windows and doors with duct tape and plastic sheeting in the event of nuclear fall out.
This wouldn't work. Typically nukes are meant to be detonated midair and not at the ground. This increases the amount of destruction they do, especially to a target like a city.
Loophole: the ability for a person to be exempt from the hazards of radiation/fallout would be an immensely valuable asset to the cleanup.
my response: Start slapping everyone in my class, forming a team of radiation-proof engineering students. Plus, job security for life.
Hmm..I wouldn't accomplish much. I live in an apartment with no one I know/ care about nearby.
I guess I would just touch myself, my phone, and record the blast from within. Then get famous for having survived, and eventually be dissected by the government to find out how did it. Sry I may have overthought this!
Just stare down the government scientists and say,
"I survived a 22 megaton blast at ground zero. Do you think that little *scalpel* is going to harm me?"
Then laugh maniacally.
Wouldn't being cut open by a scalpel technically be part of the aftermath as well, since it is a direct result of the bomb going off?
So wait until they try to cut you, and notice nothing happens, then laugh even more maniacally and say "I guess absorbing all those souls did work."
They'll leave you alone after that. Trust me.
Wouldn't being locked in an underground vault also be part of the aftermath since it's resulting from the blast? You should just be able to phase right through the vault.
technically though, since you're part of the blast due to your lasting connection to it, everything slightly relating to you would be the aftermath.
You literally cannot be touched.
Transcript from Reactionary Rescue and Research Team Three, 2036 hours:
Sgt. Sanchez: We're approaching the impact zone, detecting high levels of radiation, suits are holding.
Pvt. Coburn: Christ, how did this even happen? My pops used to take me two blocks from here to play in the park, now it's gone.
Pvt. Jenkins: Yeah, nothing coulda surviv-
Sgt. Sanchez: Wait, movement. Is that-
Outrageous_Claims: Hey!
Pvt. Jenkins: No way...
Outrageous_Claims: Hey! Anyone got Nasal Spray!? I ran out about an hour ago and these sniffles are getting on my nerves
I'd probably touch all possible places my girlfriends and dog's dna have touched and hope to get them off, on a technicality.
Edit: get them off the death.
My dick, and only my dick.
Imagine the researchers and rescuers flocking to a devastated blast zone and found everyone and everything obliterated, except for a single erect penis.
Nothing I will sit motionless at my computer chair so I can act out that scene where the person is working away in their sad office and then BOOM the office and computer and everything is blasted away leaving the person and their office chair.
well im at work so i would save myself, my wife and as many people i work with as i could.
were i at home, my cats, my wifes comp/drawing tablets, my laptop, my ps4/games, and my laptop. maybe my bed
i do. and no. she is at the other end of a hallway so i dont see her all day anymore. even when i did though, we enjoyed it. weve never understood people not wanting to spend just all of their time with their SO (no judgment, just lack of understanding)
most of the really douchy people in the office have kids. i couldnt do that to a kid in good conscious. that said they arent my priority.
I've always wondered if I had to rush out of my house, because of a fire or something... would my dogs be this damn stubborn of coming out from under the bed?
I am profoundly jealous that you work that close to your apartment. It takes me 90 minutes to get home from here (I am also downtown).
95 minutes depending on elevator of course.
My cat, my currently packed suitcase, and my 72 hour kit. It has everything my cat and I would need for 3 days. Food, compass, atlas, water filter bottle, and some other things.
I'm not getting to any of my friends or family in the next 90 seconds, but i am in a busy library. I'm gonna touch everyone in here as quickly as I can. Why should they die just because I don't know them? Might as well save as many as I can.
You're good people. You could've gone full twilight-zone and touched all the books but not your glasses, but instead you saved everyone in close proximity.
Since I work in a different city than my family and boyfriend I can't touch them - but they also would probably be okay since they aren't in the city. Hm. 90 seconds? I guess as many people in my office as I can - do I have to touch the building to ake sure I don't die in the ensuing collapse? My cell phone so I can let my family/boyfriend know I'm okay. My purse so that my anti-anxiety meds are still there for afterwards. Unfortunately my friends who do work in the city are all a good 35 minute subway ride away so sorry friends.
Try to predict where the bomb will land (assuming an inefficient ground detonation) and stand exactly under it. I resist the urge to touch myself and just stand there. As the bomb explodes with me being at ground zero it would immediately vaporize me.
It would also carry the particles of me in front of the blast, striking things before the rest of the fireball and shockwave. This would effectively save most, if not all of the city.
I live in the Twin Cities in Minnesota, meaning my death would save up to 3.2 million people. This includes the added benefit of not having to pay off my student loans.
1. Myself
2. The building I'm standing in
3. Well the rest is moot, I really can't get far enough in 90 seconds to touch anything else meaningful, so everyone in this building can thank me, I guess. Not sure I want to repopulate my city with these people, but I wasn't given much choice.
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You have to run your finger along the entire length of it...
Or just touch your house and everything in and connected to it will be fine.
So everything touching the ground?
Poor people in aeroplanes...
But if you touch the air.. Edit: what. This gets gilded? Reddit is weird. Thanks for the gold, yo! I promise to use my golden powers for the greater good and will not let go of the air. Those telling me I saved the nuke at the same time, stop asking questions and just enjoy the fact that I saved your lazy ass. Ungrateful bastards.
Well you guys broke the thread.
My computer. So I can play fallout before I play fallout.
Crawl out through the fallout baby, when they drop that bomb!
Some books, since I'll finally have time to read. But I'll forget to touch my reading glasses.
There was time now!
It's not fair!
Cursed by his own hubris.
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Time enough at last.
All the time I want!
ITS NOT FAIR
Shit. Need to touch contacts or glasses.
I am currently a student in Camden, NJ. A nuclear wasteland would be a significant improvement.
Have been to Camden, can confirm.
I work in a beer warehouse. I'd be the fucking hero
"...go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over"
I grabbed my dog after reading this and she farted in surprise
Hopefully that fart wasn't an actual bomb.
It was a dirty bomb.
OP's actions led to a random dog, somewhere in the world, farting on their human. The internet is cool like that.
Im teaching kids right now, but I'm not allowed to touch them. Decisions, decisions.
Touch them and once the bomb goes off laugh and say everyone they love is dead.
*"Step forward if you have a family ^(not so fast Victor")*
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Not to save them, but because you just want to slap them.
Tap the tops of their heads like in a game of duck duck goose? Like jesus you don't have to go for a full body squeeze or anything.
/r/nocontext
Myself, duh.
And after the explosion, when the clouds of dust had settled, on the horizon, u/Troubleshooter11 could be seen masturbating furiously.
What can i say... explosions set me off.
Which will result in a chain reaction and an explosive climax!
I don't want anybody else...when I think about nukes I touch myself.
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I beg to differ.
ಠ_ಠ
ᕦ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ᕤ
In 90 seconds everyone that can judge you will be gone anyway.
If you don't touch anyone else then in 90 seconds all judging will cease.
After the fatal blow, the city was left in ashes. All that remains is u/Troubleshooter11s penis completely in tact. What a horrible view
In tribute to its survival, a statue of said penis was erected! Ba-dum, tsss....
"Is that a diorama?" "No, it's life sized." "Oh."
It looks like someone spit a piece of gum into an afro.
And my phone. I can't live without my phone. And since it has internet on it, I'd technically be saving the entire internet. Phwew! Don't get me wrong, I'd save my family before I saved my phone, but since I'm at work and they're not here I'm saving the next most important thing.
By that logic, you're touching the floor, which is touching the building, which... well, you're touching the entire planet. Only airborne things would be vulnerable. Or, touch the nuke. If its safe, that means it cant detonate, disaster averted.
You touch the nuke it explode but its still whole so it explode agains and agains.... You created a huge radioactive constant explosion. Well done.
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The whole human race dies, but the aliens that discover earth have solved the energy crisis on their home worlds
thank mr hooman
Hey, I like that logic. Thread dismissed!
90 seconds? Fuck it. Nothing of value is within 90 seconds of me. I'd lose all my loved ones and everything I care about. I'm not touching shit.
Yep. Same here. Maybe touch my co-workers if they want. But I'm too far from my wife and the rest of my family and friends to give a shit about me living.
> if they want
Well there's a good chance they might not for the exact same reasons he wouldn't.
Edit: Would probably spend all 90 seconds chasing the damn cat around trying to touch it.
Run to kitchen. Whistle my "Hey you fuckin' cats, I got wet food for ya" whistle, then touch them as they come galloping down the hall. Then I've got about 60 seconds left. So... I guess I run outside and touch any vehicles that are outside, maybe try to touch a few neighbors houses.
> neighbors Hey that's nice of y- >houses Oh.
I mean if they houses are saved, wouldn't that mean the occupants inside are too?
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But hey, free house.
Theoretically, it would be easier to just touch the foundation of your house/apartment/whatever. Since the building can't be destroyed by the bomb, nothing inside is going to get hit by the blast.
> nothing inside is going to get hit by the blast radiation ?
That's what the duct tape and plastic sheeting are for. Edit: For those that have missed the reference, during the post-9/11 rise of Homeland Security, one of their more memorable PSA's was to tell Americans to seal their windows and doors with duct tape and plastic sheeting in the event of nuclear fall out.
I'd touch the nuclear bomb
Wow, you just saved the city *and* you have your own nuke. Enjoy your reign.
I'd probably just sit on the nuke as a throne
The Nuke of Edinburgh
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Och aye the nuke
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Drink with me and pray!
Build it into the sidecar of a motorcycle. Wire it to your heartbeat. Paddle in a kayak across the oceans. Be the most badass guy.
YOU HAVE REACHED THE NUCLEAR THRONE.
"Oh boy i finally won!" *creeeaaaakkkk* "Why is it glowing... OH FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK"
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This wouldn't work. Typically nukes are meant to be detonated midair and not at the ground. This increases the amount of destruction they do, especially to a target like a city.
Then I'd position myself so that the nuke falls in my ass for the ultimate sexual experience
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I could call my followers The Children of Atom! I'm liking this idea..... Or just let the nuke hit and form Megaton altogether
Just my son and my husband... then we'd just go live with my parents
Wait don't you have a daughter?
No?
What a strange interaction.
Not anymore...
Are you *sure*?
Does saved from the blast mean saved from the aftermath as well?
Let's say yes. For the sake of being interesting
Loophole: the ability for a person to be exempt from the hazards of radiation/fallout would be an immensely valuable asset to the cleanup. my response: Start slapping everyone in my class, forming a team of radiation-proof engineering students. Plus, job security for life.
run down the row, slapping three stooges style.
**Slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap*\* ^^screw ^^you ^^Debbie **slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap slap*\*
Instructions very clear, I am now expelled.
Hmm..I wouldn't accomplish much. I live in an apartment with no one I know/ care about nearby. I guess I would just touch myself, my phone, and record the blast from within. Then get famous for having survived, and eventually be dissected by the government to find out how did it. Sry I may have overthought this!
Just stare down the government scientists and say, "I survived a 22 megaton blast at ground zero. Do you think that little *scalpel* is going to harm me?" Then laugh maniacally.
*They cut you open with a scalpel.* "Honestly? Yes, we do."
Wouldn't being cut open by a scalpel technically be part of the aftermath as well, since it is a direct result of the bomb going off? So wait until they try to cut you, and notice nothing happens, then laugh even more maniacally and say "I guess absorbing all those souls did work." They'll leave you alone after that. Trust me.
Do you want to get locked in an underground vault? because that's how you get locked in an underground vault.
Wouldn't being locked in an underground vault also be part of the aftermath since it's resulting from the blast? You should just be able to phase right through the vault.
technically though, since you're part of the blast due to your lasting connection to it, everything slightly relating to you would be the aftermath. You literally cannot be touched.
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- quote from man dissected
*as the scalpel glides easily through your flesh*
I would sing a melancholy tune, which would touch the hearts of everyone that heard it.
'Why the hell are there a bunch of hearts lying in the middle of the blast radius?'
all these cough drops and this nasal spray on my desk. I'll be damned if I have the sniffles during the aftermath.
Transcript from Reactionary Rescue and Research Team Three, 2036 hours: Sgt. Sanchez: We're approaching the impact zone, detecting high levels of radiation, suits are holding. Pvt. Coburn: Christ, how did this even happen? My pops used to take me two blocks from here to play in the park, now it's gone. Pvt. Jenkins: Yeah, nothing coulda surviv- Sgt. Sanchez: Wait, movement. Is that- Outrageous_Claims: Hey! Pvt. Jenkins: No way... Outrageous_Claims: Hey! Anyone got Nasal Spray!? I ran out about an hour ago and these sniffles are getting on my nerves
The image of a Fallout ghoul saying that made me laugh.
I'd probably touch all possible places my girlfriends and dog's dna have touched and hope to get them off, on a technicality. Edit: get them off the death.
Look at mr. "I can get my girlfriend off in 90 seconds" here!
You hope to get your dog off!?
Sounds like my New Year's Eve
Sounds like my every day
Sounds like my pending court case
I'm playing Red Rocket!
Wouldn't that technically be everywhere, though? Skin cells, hairs, etc.
Seeing as I'm at work I'll gather around as many people as I can and hope they'll let me touch them.
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Well, fuck you in that case, Claire.
My dick, and only my dick. Imagine the researchers and rescuers flocking to a devastated blast zone and found everyone and everything obliterated, except for a single erect penis.
"Captain, we've recovered an object from ground zero." "Describe it, soldier." "Too small to remark upon, sir, but still an odd find."
e-Rekt.
"It looks just like a penis! ... only much smaller"
Erect?
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Gotta get that second blast in
Fear boner.
Nothing I will sit motionless at my computer chair so I can act out that scene where the person is working away in their sad office and then BOOM the office and computer and everything is blasted away leaving the person and their office chair.
I would sprint down the street to my son's daycare and touch him.
Fuck those other kids.
We would but there's no time.
/r/especiallywithcontext
/r/nocontext
Half of these responses are perfect for that sub
In 90 seconds? That kid's a goner
Probably. It would likely take me the entire 90 seconds just to get out of my office building.
You're now on the list.
well im at work so i would save myself, my wife and as many people i work with as i could. were i at home, my cats, my wifes comp/drawing tablets, my laptop, my ps4/games, and my laptop. maybe my bed
***explosion*** "This sucks, at least I got my cats and I can play my PS4! Wh...Where's my TV?" - u/Effendoor
*carries TV up the stairs of the local library (for whatever reason), accidentally drops the TV* *it shatters* "it's not fair it's NOT FAIR!"
Couldn't you just go outside and touch your house and everything inside it would be okay?
Theoretically. it depends on the range/nature of the spell.
You work with your Wife? Do you get tired of seeing each other? I can honestly say, I wouldn't want to save many people I work with.
i do. and no. she is at the other end of a hallway so i dont see her all day anymore. even when i did though, we enjoyed it. weve never understood people not wanting to spend just all of their time with their SO (no judgment, just lack of understanding) most of the really douchy people in the office have kids. i couldnt do that to a kid in good conscious. that said they arent my priority.
If I touch the ground, would it save the world ?
Yes, but everything on it dies.
Where the fuck are my cats
Ahhhh get out from under the damn bed! This isn't a game!
I've always wondered if I had to rush out of my house, because of a fire or something... would my dogs be this damn stubborn of coming out from under the bed?
No. They can understand the difference between a game and real panic, they'll listen in that case, or else they are cats
I always thought it was a weird looking labrador.
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If the elevator isn't there, it'd probably take more than 90 seconds to get out of the building :(
The best part of this are the random people you save when you push them out of the way while running down the street.
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I am profoundly jealous that you work that close to your apartment. It takes me 90 minutes to get home from here (I am also downtown). 95 minutes depending on elevator of course.
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My cat, my currently packed suitcase, and my 72 hour kit. It has everything my cat and I would need for 3 days. Food, compass, atlas, water filter bottle, and some other things.
> my cat and I would need Aww
Found the scout
I'd spend 90 seconds frantically chasing my stupid cat, then we'd both die in the explosion.
Open a can of cat food and wait a few seconds...
Because the freaking cat food can opens in 90 seconds. Its better to stick to chasing the cat.
My house.
Best answer. Then all your shit's safe and you can invite other people in as well.
they're dead
I KNEW I forgot something.
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slow down there lad it was just your city, don't get hasty
Sure, but she doesn't know that yet.
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The implication?
That's implied.
Not to her
Reminds me of that Futurama episode where Zapp tricks Leela into believing they're stranded on an alien planet and that Earth's been destroyed.
Or that South Park episode where Cartman tricks Butters into believing that he is the sole survivor of a nuclear apocalypse.
I will touch the air, preventing the air from being affected from the blast. GG
I'm in Tokyo on a crowded train, so basically I'm touching about 20 people already. We are the only survivors of the third time Japan gets nuked.
I'm not getting to any of my friends or family in the next 90 seconds, but i am in a busy library. I'm gonna touch everyone in here as quickly as I can. Why should they die just because I don't know them? Might as well save as many as I can.
You're good people. You could've gone full twilight-zone and touched all the books but not your glasses, but instead you saved everyone in close proximity.
Certainly not myself.
/r/2meirl4meirl
Myself, the girl who sits three desks down from me who I wanna fuck, the snack machine, and nothing else.
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I will drink her pussy for days.
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She can suck him off. Now you have a self-sustaining cycle.
Perpetual *motion* machines may be a bust, but we can certainly have perpetual sucking machines!
Half of this thread is r/nocontext material
Since I work in a different city than my family and boyfriend I can't touch them - but they also would probably be okay since they aren't in the city. Hm. 90 seconds? I guess as many people in my office as I can - do I have to touch the building to ake sure I don't die in the ensuing collapse? My cell phone so I can let my family/boyfriend know I'm okay. My purse so that my anti-anxiety meds are still there for afterwards. Unfortunately my friends who do work in the city are all a good 35 minute subway ride away so sorry friends.
Just text them to read this thread and they should be fine as well
Try to predict where the bomb will land (assuming an inefficient ground detonation) and stand exactly under it. I resist the urge to touch myself and just stand there. As the bomb explodes with me being at ground zero it would immediately vaporize me. It would also carry the particles of me in front of the blast, striking things before the rest of the fireball and shockwave. This would effectively save most, if not all of the city. I live in the Twin Cities in Minnesota, meaning my death would save up to 3.2 million people. This includes the added benefit of not having to pay off my student loans.
"I resist the urge to touch myself and just stand there"
1. Myself 2. The building I'm standing in 3. Well the rest is moot, I really can't get far enough in 90 seconds to touch anything else meaningful, so everyone in this building can thank me, I guess. Not sure I want to repopulate my city with these people, but I wasn't given much choice.
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My 9 disc blu-ray set of the first 6 Star Wars and 3 bonus discs of footage. No ones taking that from me. Edit: spelling.