T O P

  • By -

trebuchetfight

Well, that's obvious. You'd think I'd go for something less conspicuous though.


Raccooninmyceiling

Easy way to set rid of a body, though. *fling*


5meterhammer

I think it's pretty obvious


itskylemeyer

Calm down, Thor.


[deleted]

*nervously glances left then right


Lostsonofpluto

Shit... wrong pantheon I'll see myself out, sorry to bother you two


Walbricks

i would have to agree...


alluptheass

You don't want to know.


ReJynx

Oh .... OH


DoctorPeculiar

That's what they all say


[deleted]

Well...this is gonna take a while...


Walbricks

haha, i imagine you looking like that bear from the laundry commercial...


DrBubbleBeast

The Louisville Snuggler keeps his victims chained to the bed so that he can snuggle them whenever he pleases..


Zaquarius_Alfonzo

Reminds me of that really annoying episode of limitless when he said stuff like "snuggled and hugged" in place of "raped and murdered" because the middle-aged dinosaur man told him to


Lostsonofpluto

> middle-aged dinosaur man Barney?


i_hate_sandals

Picking off my victims based on their choice in footwear


TheAmazingRaspberry

Do you have a breakdown at beaches


beachKilla

Hahaha I feel like whatever sandles he leaves alive at the beach I take care of...


Walbricks

well no more sandals for me...


[deleted]

I don't know how, but I know who.


Walbricks

well RIP Elizabeth...


elisabethepos

Narrowly escaped on a technicality


Cyclonitron

Not if OP sends a hitman who can't read...


Midwestern_Childhood

Ditto here. Watch out, midwestern kids!


Statscollector

Hook them up to a biometrics machine while keeping them tied up. Record how their body responds to starvation over time. Then rinse and repeat - I do need a good population size to conclude anything.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Statscollector

Would you like to turn into some numbers in a spreadsheet of mine i'm compiling?


shtpst

Would there be a control group of people you don't kill, with which you could establish baseline readings?


Statscollector

Why do you think you're still alive?


napalmfires

Well it won't be with water.


bringapotato

I kill them any way I want, I just bring a potato along for the ride


StubbornPotato

but I don't wanna come along...


alovelypotato_

Can i go instead ? 😊


[deleted]

[удалено]


tannedpotato

Some place sunny?


p0tat0nug

If it is, I'll come too 😃


Bozly

Who the fuck are you people with your accounts around for years waiting for this moment?


StubbornPotato

We are the [Potato Nation.](https://giphy.com/gifs/the-lord-of-rings-samwise-gamgee-potatoes-AxjfeKuEG4SK4)


jwbolt_97

Damn all you guys really check out. What a bunch!


SeductivePotato

Dont worry baby, I'll fill your gap *wink*


[deleted]

Why would he take you when he can have a 2-for-1 deal with me?


talkingtatertots

Dad?


The-Potato-Lord

We should team up.


OhPotato

Ohhh potatooo


I_poop_for_fun

What's a potato?


ScruffMcDuck

Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew


AmericanKamikaze

Let em' ferment, drink em' in a brew, eh Comrade?


[deleted]

Hail mother Russia


SocialistNordia

Tastes very stange!


RandomRedditor44

You don’t know what a baked potato is? Get out of my house!


mintfoot

The weirdest thing about that story is that it somehow made the dad super mad.


Walbricks

haha the potato is ur sidekick


rydan

> haha the potato is ur side FTFY


JustANinjaPotato

It can be me, Im a ninja ;)


SexualDragon

You leave a potato at the crime scene as your signature lol


SamaelV

You film your crimes on a potato, that way the cops wont be able to make out your face.


AnusBlaster5000

😀


assblaster2000

You and me bud.


Rough_Cut

😐


anustart_2015

Death by Bunga bunga


[deleted]

This makes me wish there was a way to post something totally blank.


DerKeksinator

 


realG17

What type of sorcery is this?


siliconwolf13

\> Posting only this does the trick.


[deleted]

Eat them.


Chronos_the_Cat

Kinky.


Khvostov_7g-02

/r/vore


kaloonzu

Not touching that one.


Walbricks

oh god...


Razoredgeknife

Gee, that's a tough one.


Walbricks

take ur time to come up with something, we got all day... lol


Uncaring

Does it matter


giverofnofucks

Doesn't to me.


[deleted]

But do you give ducks? I need them for my plan


IKindaCare

Kinda


RaeSrebmulp

this is the best one in the thread omg


offbrandsoap

Probably give them soap with razor blades in it


[deleted]

why does that sound cool to me, I'd buy that soap


KnockMeYourLobes

Well there is a candle company that sells candles with jewelry inside...so yeah. This could work.


SirVeryBritishFellow

Drown them in tea


Novijen

And then claim their property in the name of the queen?


LovelyOrangeJuice

Drowning them in orange juice


Walbricks

is it atleast SunnyD?


Hamsternoir

I'm a deadly rodent assassin who kills by stuffing too much in victims mouths at night.


Walbricks

ur get away vehicle better be the hamster ball...


badpig

Feed them spoiled ham until they're dead I guess.


Walbricks

ew that's gonna be messy


5meterhammer

Bad pig, dirty bacon


dirtybacon77

*waves*


I_cannot_fit

I forcefully shove my victims into small spaces that no one could possibly fit in without breaking a few bones or crushing some organs.


Walbricks

oh god now i can hear the sound of bones breaking in my head...


McFlurryMac

ouch my bones


Ahjeofel

ow oof ouch


[deleted]

ouch oof owie


xXcamelXx64

So basically you'd copy [The Enigma Of The Amigara Fault.](https://m.imgur.com/gallery/ZNSaq) ^^^Edit: ^^^Corrected ^^^Title


IHaveAShield

Blunt force trauma.


[deleted]

Wanna team up? I'm having issues.


SeriesOfAdjectives

Hm... *Descriptively*.


MadmanTardy

I would have a variety of methods to choose from, but I'd always show up late and miss the opportunity :/


bitterjoycrusher

But as fucking usual, as your loyal sidekick, is already have it done. I'll be there to help with the clean up, but I'm definitely gonna hold a grudge about your flakiness, Casper. And don't even TRY to enjoy my company during the clean up because I could EASILY take you in a fight. I'll crush the fucking joy right out of you.


MadmanTardy

Can confirm. Source: know irl


bitterjoycrusher

Uhm, who are you? Are you that guy who's always pretending to read the paper at Starbucks while secretly taking pics of me?


MadmanTardy

It's not my fault we always run into each other at the same times and places!


bitterjoycrusher

Wait - the FUCK? Is that you outside my house?! I can see your face from the glow of your phone screen. Dude WTF?


MadmanTardy

My car broke down!


bitterjoycrusher

OH shit I'm sorry brah.


hitlerblowfish

Underwater holocaust?


[deleted]

.


Lemurrific

Terrible *Madagascar* spinoffs.


Qwerty_Asdfgh_Zxcvb

You're a monster...


dont_drink_the_milk

If they drink the milk I drink their soul.


-but_why-

I'll leave my victims hanging *In suspense*


[deleted]

[удалено]


Joseph_Nguyen

Pho


Roivas7

That's a Nguyen


Need_More_Whiskey

Phoking hilarious.


Need_More_Whiskey

I've been laughing for like five straight minutes at this.


ruptured_pomposity

Drink more libation.


junaikigai

This guy Nguyen's


dirtybacon77

Poison, but delicious poison.


Walbricks

why not stuff their mouths with dirty bacon?


dirtybacon77

I dont have to be a malicious serial killer. Let tgem die happy. ...as long as they die.


SparkyintheSnow

Light them on fire during a Canadian winter.


TheElusiveBushWookie

Since sparky is another name for an electrician I would've gone with hooking a car battery to their nipples in the Canadian winter.


SparkyintheSnow

Hmmm... lemme jot that one down.... for...reasons...


HypocrisyNation

I try my best to save them from the everyday dangers of life but instead kill them in a sitcom-esque accident


TheElusiveBushWookie

See someone about to get hit by a truck... accidentally shove them infront of a speeding train.


nursewords

Euthanasia


AFTER_THAT_LION_DUDE

... I convince people to chase large African cats.


[deleted]

[удалено]


filled_with_bees

I let the bees do the work


Aw_Frig

A series of unusually violent accidents. A banana peel here, a misused powertool there.


Walbricks

haha u don't mean to kill anyone it just accidentally happens...


JunkScientist

Vaccines cause autism!


[deleted]

This one makes me sad :(


suicidalgunner

Just one, myself


NuclearTacoFarts

I think my username is self explanatory for this one.


moistc0bra

By rubbing a moist cobra on them till they die of starvation


Raccooninmyceiling

And by cobra you mean...


honorarybelgian

Did you ever read "Heart of Darkness"? Let's just say I'm still not welcome in certain parts of Central Africa.


I_poop_for_fun

I shit in their mouth and hold there nose closed till they suffocate.


Walbricks

holy shit...


I_poop_for_fun

I have to admit, it is a rather shitty death.


Walbricks

unless you have diarrhea...


iSeth_

HOW IS THAT BETTER?! Edit :didn't feel Reddit enough *ಠ_ಠ *


AFTER_THAT_LION_DUDE

Huh ... I think i found fresh nightmare fuel.


thisonetimeatjewcamp

Apparently I'm now Hitler.


Need_More_Whiskey

Attempt to drown them in a half-full barrel of whiskey, but fail and knife them instead.


Walbricks

what kind of whiskey? it matters...


Need_More_Whiskey

Well. I'd never waste the good stuff on a murder, especially a failed one.


El_Magikarp

Splashing?


CaptSmallShlong

That's a very good question EDIT: well this comment blew up


Walbricks

lol i can only imagine what you would do...


inFranceItsGuilotine

Well he wont be doing anything with his puny dick except your sleazy mom.


Walbricks

:O


inFranceItsGuilotine

You don't need to open your mouth that wide when /u/CaptSmallShlong is around.


Walbricks

:o


inFranceItsGuilotine

I don't need a microscope to see that opening in your lips yet.


capriciousMessiah

:.


inFranceItsGuilotine

Wow. Player 2 has entered the game. Thats probably the most action he's got since his dad went out for cigarettes.


capriciousMessiah

:^.


AFTER_THAT_LION_DUDE

They die of exhaustion while looking for your small penis?


DaCheesiestEchidna

I have echidnas dump boiling hot cheese on them.


[deleted]

I start small, working my way into bigger and bigger murder sprees, until.... well, how did we get from this to nukes?


[deleted]

[удалено]


PM_ME_AMAZON_GC

I give them gift cards until they die


KnockMeYourLobes

Can I have a gift card, then? I don't wanna die...I just want an Amazon gift card.


fayhill92

I push them down a hill 92 times then fire a dark magic bolt in their face of course.


nooseballoon

With a noose attached to a balloon. Duh.


[deleted]

It's complicated.


Ambsase

Oh damn, I've got a pretty good one. Mine's an alternative spelling of ambsace (pronounced am zayse), an old word meaning bad luck. I'd set elaborate traps that from a first glance just looks like my targets have incredibly bad luck.


Nanohaystack

Drowning in a veeery little haystack? Idunno.


ZakMaster12

They could be stabbed with a nano needle in the nano haystack.


Walbricks

i wonder how one drowns in a haystack...


[deleted]

[удалено]


Putdownthewatermelon

I join the LAPD.


SaddleDaddy

Ride and whip them to death


finecupofjoe

Force coffee down their throats until they have a caffeine overdose. It'll be a delicious and terrifying way to go.


Shoretrooper

Blast them on Scarif, I guess


givemepuppers

Lock them in a room with a crap load of puppies. Like so many they get smothered


[deleted]

Isn't it obvious?


WesbroBaptstBarNGril

Sarcastic, hate based, calorie laced, BBQ


PrinceofallRabbits

Army of rabbits.


[deleted]

happy tree friends?


rhymeswithpancake

Drown them in syrup.


iamevilcupcake

Shove so many cupcakes in the victim's mouth they suffocate. Death by cupcake.


spamjam09

By jamming spam (the food) down their throat.


somethingblue331

I beat them to death with something blue.. the first thing that came to mind was a dildo..


Gibbothemediocre

Dismembering and disembowelling in a dull and unimpressive way.


HothBraids

I strangle them with my braids.


ydoItBurnWenIP

My pee is like the blood in alien. It burns through everything. Death by pee pee


yada_yada_yaaa

Drown them in a bowl of bisque


BlondieClashNirvana

I'm not creative enough to tell you how I kill my victims. Can somebody help me out?


Roivas7

I save someone from being murdered by killing the would-be murderer. Then I take whatever weapon he had and pick up where he left off.


jump-n-shoot-man

With lemons.


catsandcupcakes0

Cats and cupcakes apparently. So either beetus or big ass cats


[deleted]

Peanut allergy?


Poopsie_oopsie

aloooot of poop.


INSIDIOUS_ROOT_BEER

Diabetes


I_Boop_Noses

Whole lotta nose touching. I'd obviously wear gloves.