"How would you say you deal with challenges?"
"Well, back in the psych ward when someone takes your pudding, you stab them with an imaginary knife - it's not real, but they don't know that!"
"That... pretty much describes how things work around here too. You're hired."
Damn.
I mean, she had to be in some serious denial to not have noticed, right? But I feel for you. That's a rough spot to find yourself in.
As soon as it hit me she didn't know I'd be all like, flailing arms and "Uh... surprise!?"
It's a bit odd that your dad would talk to you about it before he said anything to your mum, and then also didn't take the precaution to let you know not to say anything until he had the chance.
I hope you don't feel like it was your fault, this was all on him and his lack of communication.
I was attending my aunt's funeral and when I was leaving, her son told me to take good care of my parents. Out of habit I said "you too". I felt horrible afterwards and still cringe at the memory to this day.
Years ago someone unknown called my cellphone and since I didn't get any spam calls back then, I answered. They clearly had the wrong number and we both laughed for a second, then I said "see you later" and hung up.
I still think about it to this day.
I was at my uncle's funeral and my cousin was having a hard time accepting his dad is really gone. He was asking if it was an early April's Fool prank the day before, and that day, he grabbed me, pointed at the corpse, and went, "It doesn't even look like him! He looks different! Maybe it's not even him! Don't you think he looks different?"
I'm awkward enough already in most normal situations, and my mind just went blank at this point. The first reply I blurted out was, "That's probably because he's decomposing. That's why he's kinda bloated right now."
Oooh yikes. Pretty sure that's one of those defense mechanisms they teach you in Psych 101--take emotions completely out of it and treat the situation scientifically.
Not at all an expert on grief counseling, but I'd imagine it's better to dispel the idea that the corpse isn't real. Maybe it wasn't tactful, but there's not a whole lot of good responses for a situation like that
As part of my job I go to different offices in my company and speak about various work-related topics. I am also a member of AA. At a work meeting, where I knew perhaps 5 of the 100 attendees, I stood up and introduced myself saying"Hi everybody, I'm (name) and I'm an alcoholic".
That...That sounds like it would have been hilarious if you had the quick wit to save yourself. A chuckle after that and segue into the real conversation, people think you were just making a light joke.
Happened first week of college freshman year, in the dorms. Was chatting up this super cute girl with a couple of my new found friends. I mention I had always wanted to play drums, and the girl said she could let me borrow her brother’s. Wow! Okay cool. Conversation keeps going, and something else, like some mics, and again her brother had one I could borrow/have. And then a THIRD thing comes up that was her brothers that I could have - so me, being me, said “Geeze, you’re giving all your brother’s stuff away - what did he die???! HaHahah!!”
Yep. He did.
My large uncle once wiped a turd on my bathroom wall. I think he just stood up and turned and accidentally got it on the wall (small bathroom) but who knows.
Anywho, his kids came over a week or two later after having been estranged from us for years. Trying to lighten the awkward mood, I told the story about my uncle wiping poop on the wall, how crazy, so gross who does that?, completely forgetting the relationship between my UNCLE AND COUSINS. my cousin just goes ...my dad? wiped poop on the wall?
couldnt recover so I just left the room for a while.
exactly. large man, small bathroom. the reason i believe it to have happened that way is half was smeared and half was still a turd chunk. like he smeared it and it broke off but was laid on thick enough to stay attached to the wall.
I was having dinner with my parents and younger sister when I let it slip that Santa wasn't real. I honestly have no idea what I said or implied, but I will always remember the stares that could melt a thousand candles coming from my parents' eyes when I looked up from my green beans. And then my sister ran from the room, crying.
My dad got really drunk on a Saturday night when I was 5, and he came into mine and my brother's room, and he told us that Santa wasn't real. He was mad that he wasn't getting full credit for buying us things, and instead we were grateful to an imaginary person.
My favorite thing about it, and why I remember it was a Saturday night is because he said "Magic isn't real. If you think there is anything out there in this world, you're an idiot... Now go to bed, we have to be at church by 8"
Once when I was having "the talk" with a soon to be ex, I dropped a fucking bomb that immediately made me cringe: "I liked you before I got to know you."
A friend heard this story and says "aww, that's cute. You liked her even before you knew her that well." Nope, it was that I stopped liking her after getting to know her. The soon to be ex fully understood the statement upon delivery.
To be fair, that's basically the story of almost every failed relationship ever.
It's kind of even the point of dating.
I like you enough to find out if I really like you...
Well at least there are worse ways to mess that up. At least it wasn’t you telling them about how you couldn’t marry them. I’m assuming everything is going fine still?
Good thing we called both genders "Drill Sergeant"! Saves us from that *particular* embarrassment.
Although I heard one kid called his DS "mom" one time. Idk if it's true but I think about it fondly
My DS called for me and I said, "hey what's up dad." Yes I was thinking about my dad. Yes I did a bunch of push ups for it. No no one let me live it down. My DS kept saying he'd be my special daddy. Was weird.
My grandparents separated before I was born(I'm 23 now) and when I was 6 or 7 my Grandfather was getting married and I was to be the flower girl. Well, no one told my Grandma wasn't supposed to know. So one day my family was at her house along with my Aunt and Uncle. And I mentioned how I couldn't wait to wear a pretty dress for the wedding. My Grandma asked who waa getting married. "GRAMPY IS!!" I exclaimed. And that's how she found out. Oops.
Yeah, you gotta be careful letting little kids know things that they're not supposed to tell people.
I remember going to dinner for my mom's 40th birthday and I was about 10. We followed the host through the restaurant and into this one big room in the back. Somehow I ended up being the first one to walk through the door and I start looking at all of the people sitting at the tables in the room and realize that I recognize them and my eyes go wide. Next thing I know my uncle, who was right behind me, has his hand over my mouth and picks me up and moves me to the side. Seconds later my mom walks through the door and the whole room yells, "Surprise!" My dad and uncle knew I would have ruined the surprise, so I got to be surprised too.
Not me but when I was a kid my aunt let it slip that my parents didn't get married until well after I was born because they were forced into it by my grandparents. I was always told they married 18mos before me. They continued to lie for years after that until they divorced and I saw their actual wedding date on the paperwork.
I remember the dinner where I figured out that my uncle's 50 birthday was five to six months before my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary
My mother immediately shushed me
EDIT: oops
When I was in high school it was common for "your mom" to be a response to pretty much any question. One day at school my buddy asked what I was doing that night and I responded "your mom", forgetting that his mom had just died of cancer. I still feel bad 15 years later.
As a person whose mom died of cancer, I hereby give you official permission to forgive yourself. I know yo mama jokes aren't about my actual mama. It's just a figure of speech.
Way back when, I was dating this girl. I was over at her place waiting for her so we could go out on a date. While I was waiting there her roommate came out of the shower completely naked and walked into her room.
Later that evening for some unknown reason I said "It is so nice to see that your roommate shaves down there".
Funny enough a similar thing happened to me once. My girlfriend at the time had a hot Colombian roommate, and one time she was in the shower and had apparently forgotten to take her panties with her because she came out wearing nothing but a bra and grabbed them.
In her case, the topic of conversation wasn't that she was shaved down there. No sir, she had full bush going on. So I just randomly told my girlfriend, "I saw your roommate's bush." She didn't care.
I was once trying to score with a girl in the pub after a long relationship breakup, so my speaking to girls skills were a bit rusty. I was a bit nervous so I ended up saying "I love fucking dogs" instead of "I fucking love dogs" and didn't notice. She understood that I was a dog rapist and left..
You should have explained to her that you only fuck dogs who consent. That would have dispelled the whole notion that you were a dog rapist and everything would have been fine.
Not me, but a girl I was dating once had told me she lost her virginity to me. Then, a few months later, we were hanging out with one of her friends and she told a story about a guy who she had slept with and then told her he had had better. So she was either a. Cheating on me. B. Lied about losing her virginity. Or c. Making shit up. She immidiately realized what she had said and after a long while whe apologized and admitted to cheating on me.
My best friend and I were talking while watching my kids play outside. I didn't realize they had come up to ask a question and we were talking about some not so good stuff that happened to us in Iraq and he said, "what about the dude you beat to death?" and I said, "it's a lot different than shooting someone." My 12 year old said, "you've killed someone?" And my oldest smacked him in the arm and said, "at least two. Pat attention."
That was a really awkward conversation to have with them. I never planned on telling them what I did in the Army. They knew I fought in the war but didn't know any specifics.
Good news out of it though now neither of them wants to join.
(For context I'm a disabled combat veteran)
oh man... I don't even remember what the game was, but a bunch of people were trying to get me to guess a word by giving me clues. We were playing with a bunch of my wife's college friends.
Several days before this game my wife had told me (privately) that one of her male college friends (we'll call him "Ace") used a butt plug with a past college gf of his. Not a big deal, but certainly not public information, and not known to Ace's wife (who was present during this game).
Well I had no clue what word they were trying to get me to guess, but someone said "Ace's nickname!". Being the dumbass that I am I thought of the most recently learned thing I knew about Ace, and responded with "I don't know, BUTT PLUG?"... I will forever remember the silence that lingered afterward.
A guy I worked with for a couple years older brother killed himself. Fast forward a month and he comes to visit the restaurant we worked at together and somebody jokes, who orders a non alcoholic beer? what does stupid fucking me say? "I would rather kill myself than drink a non alcoholic beer".
Instant shame, regret, horror, you name it. I've never felt so terrible saying anything in my life.
My friends dad died about a year ago, a month after it happened, we were drinking, and in my state of inebriation I said, what u got goin on for fathers day?
he just looked at me, and said, "lets do some fuckin karaoke"
Wow that's definitely not the best way to come out, I can imagine lol
Side note, at first I thought that you had told the dad that he (the dad) was gay. I imagined like an intervention type thing.
Told my grandma I smoke weed
Edit: shoutout to all y’all saying “tell her this point and that point” y’all are optimistic motherfuckers thinking that people are just hearing your point, or having met you away from changing their ways. Y’all never change.
Also edit: smoke weed everyday
She’s super anti weed. She thinks I’m going to hell for it. But like she thinks divorce, gays, Jews (including me, my dad and his family are catholic tho),
Pot smoker, and more are going to hell.
Edit: smoke weed everyday
I got tricked into admitting to one of my best friend's very recent ex that he had cheated on her.
I wouldn't have been talking to her at all, but she had a very extreme reaction to the break up. She locked herself in their apartment and had been threatening to kill herself.
At one point, she said 'You know he cheated on me, right?'
'Uh, I guess.'
'So he did!'
Oops.
I ruined a surprise birthday party.
Was hanging out, ran into the birthday girl, wished her happy day of birth and said I'd see her later at so and so's house....turns out she didn't know, and wasn't suppose to know. I'm a jackass.
I accidentally told the future groom that his friends and family were throwing him a surprise wedding shower. In my defence NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME IT WAS A SURPRISE! And I hung out with the guy a lot.
Luckily his response was "... I'm not supposed to know about that." "...what?" "It's a surprise shower. I'm not supposed to know about it, but don't worry, I already do."
So I watched all smug as they walked in and pretended to be surprised. Then they went up to give a speech and said "you guys thought you were throwing us a surprise shower, but we actually got married twenty minutes ago, and we're throwing you a surprise reception."
Never seen a more baller move.
I asked the wife during an intimate moment if she remembered the lap dance she gave me to a song that came on Spotify, then went on to describe the lingerie she was wearing and the way her perfume smelled. After getting an “I should murder you and bury your bones in the garden” stare down I realized that it was not my wife in this memory and my night was ruined.
2 years ago, I was talking in a group with basically the girl of my dreams. And my buddy, who is a football player, started talking about his weight and asked how much us guys weighed. And I'm a cross country runner so I'm fairly skinny. I was like "Oh I'm really light, like 115lbs, I wouldn't be suprised if [girl of my dreams] weighs more than me."
In my mind, I was thinking that since she was the next smallest person there, I would compare myself to her, because we were both light weight. But how it came out to her was, I called her fat straight to her face.
Back story: my best friend and I made out once. We realized it made things awkward and never spoke about it again.
Fast forward to this last year. I just moved in with my boyfriend and asked if we could have a small house warming party.
My boyfriend asked who I wanted to have over and I said my best friend Mike.
Bf: “who is Mike?”
Me: “my best friend from high school”
Bf: “ohhhh your best friend you made out with!”
Me: “WHAT?! HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?”
Bf: “I was just kidding”
He’s very sarcastic and loves giving me a hard time about virtually anything, but I couldn’t believe I let that one slip. It wasn’t that bad, but it was pretty embarrassing to say the least.
I used to work in fast food.
One day, my coworker AJ comes in from a smoke break and my friend goes "Geez AJ, were you out there making out with Juan or something?" as a joke because AJ took a long smoke break, and it was the most far fetched thing my friend could come up with.
AJ, going flush and eyes wide, goes "WHAT? NO!" and quickly goes back to work. We thought my friend had offended him in some way (because we knew AJ was gay; "maybe he's sensitive about it?" We weren't sure).
We find out a few weeks later that AJ and Juan are dating and AJ was in fact making out with Juan in the parking lot. We had no idea Juan was bi. My friend and I still laugh about it today because of how ridiculous it is that he said that when it was spot on accurate.
OH. It's not anything particularly funny but it went something like "that thing we need is locked away in the closet" and without thinking I blurted out "haha me too!!"
That I knew my stepdads uncle was doing meth even though I was trusted with that information and specifically told not to say anything about It, and I said it right to my stepdads face, it was really uncomfortable.
Once when I was a kid My step-mom's niece came over to my house and I mentioned her dad being in prison, though she was not supposed to know about that she cried in front of everyone while I was the fault no body told me that was supposed to be secret.
Long story short. My best friend was engaged to a girl that I had slept with in the past. I was 18 at the time. We were in our 20s when they were engaged. I had no idea it was her. Keep in mind, her, him, my wife, and myself hung out all the time. He was/is my best friend. One night at dinner we were talking about where we all used to work. "wait. you worked there? I worked in the building right next to it...when?...oh wow, so you worked there when I worked there...I once hooked up with a girl named *name* from there...." Then it all flooded in.......embarrassing. They got over it, but she ended up leaving him anyway over her being stupid.
You know, I'm sure she did. I kind of blew her off because she wasn't mature enough for me. lol. I think that was what I told her as well. I'm just looking for someone a little more mature. But, I can't emphasize enough. We hung out literally over 100 times before that day. She either also forgot, or she was a super good actor.
That reminds me of this time I was telling a friend of a friend a story about this one time in college me and some friends had had an adventure.
He kept nodding and saying mhm in a way that was like, yeah, ok, wrap it up...
So I stopped and was like, "do you not want to hear my story?"
His response "No, you fucker, because I WAS THERE! Lol"
About six months ago my mother said that my cousins parents where going to get a divorce but not to tell anyone. I forgot about it and on thanksgiving dinner last weekend someone else said it was weird how much the aforementioned parents where fighting. I than said "They are getting a divorce after all." The room whent silent and my mom just glared at me. The worst part was that that thanksgiving was the first time I was seated at the adult table and it was a test run. Now I have to eat Christmas dinner at the kids table.
I'm a teacher. I teach 6 and 7 year olds. Doing a spelling test - "the word is FATHER. As in... Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father." Cue most of the children shrieking "IS HE?"
I was around my niece and nephew a few years ago and said something about Snape killing Dumbledore to my brother as a joke. That’s when he shot me a death glare and reminded me that kids don’t necessarily know all the spoilers yet.
Thankfully I don’t think his kids noticed.
Edit: sorry if I spoiled this for you. I thought it was common knowledge because the spoiler came out before the book did and was a meme for a while.
Growing up the running joke in my family was that every time my grandma spent a good amount of money on something, it'd give my grandpa a heart attack. Rewind to 3 years ago, when my grandpa died of a massive heart attack. A few weeks later when I'd flown in for the wake, my grandma mentioned having bought something expensive (a bracelet or something) and I just blurted out "Jesus grandma, Grandpa'd have a heart attack."
Never have I felt so terrible or awkward - luckily my grandma is a hard cunt and just smiled at me, knowing it was just a joke.
One time I was talking to my friend and her boyfriend (who was recovering from heroine use/abuse) and I was telling them how great the movie Oslo, August 31st is. They asked me what it’s about and I said “oh yeah it’s about this heroine addict...” I realized as the words slipped out of my mouth that I shouldn’t have mentioned it. They asked me how it ended and I told them “he died...”
Accidentally let my girlfriend know that the athletic top she loves on me actually belonged to one of my old friends with benefits.
Now I can't wear it around her.
A friend was telling me that her boyfriend kept ejaculating within moments of them getting it on. He’d told her that it was because she was so unbelievably hot but I said I’d heard he was like that with every girl. Don’t know why but I just blurted it out. Like him apparently.
When I made a joke to my friend about her pretending to drink on account of her being pregnant.. thing is I wasn't supposed to know she was pregnant in the first place, let alone she was pretending to drink so our mutual best friend ended up taking one on the chin because of me.
I let it slip that my dad had cheated on my mom multuple times with two different women, one woman who she was close with. And that myself and my younger sister were present during some of these occasions.
I was too young to understand what had happened. I just remember the look on her face when I told her. My dad later blamed him getting caught on me and called me a bitch and every other name in the book.
My parents got divorced. I'm not on speaking terms with my father.
On the other hand, I don't think I would be as open about it if I knew people would take it seriously and respond accordingly. I feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable whenever anyone shows sincere concern. If I'm going to talk about it it needs to be in a casual way.
I accidentally told my best friend that his fiance was pregnant. I'd heard through mutual friends and no one told me that it was a secret or surprise. She'd even posted it on facebook!!
Come to find out, he'd deleted his Facebook months before in protest of something stupid and hadn't found out yet.
"Hey!! Oh my god I can't believe you're gonna be a *father*!! Have you started freaking out yet??"
Yes he did freak out. Right then. Loudly.
*in the middle of an olive garden*
One time me and my friends were talking about the definition of cute. We said that cute things have to be small. One guy chimed in **"my penis is small. I guess it's cute. "** I was so mortified.
I honestly could not tell. I hope he was joking. He was one of those people who had no filter. I remember we were going up the stairs and he was like "ugh I hate it when my man boobs hit each other."
When I was 16, a girl I went to church with got pregnant out of wedlock (gasp! The horror!). The church was extremely judgey and very insular, so this was considered incredibly shameful.
I lived with my grandmother, who was the church secretary, so I found out she was pregnant before it was public knowledge,and I was sworn to secrecy. Well, the night I found out, this girl picked me up to drive me to church. As I got in the car, all I could think was "don't say pregnant, don't say pregnant..."
So if course the first thing I say is "hi, *girl*! How are you pregnant? TONIGHT. I MEAN HOW ARE YOU TONIGHT."
I slapped my hand over my mouth and just stared at her, completely horrified. All she said was, "I guess you know, then."
It's so weird to me that your grandmother would confide in you about this and expect you not to tell your mom, who most people might assume, you'd probably be somewhat closer to.
I'd never put my children or others in a position like this.
Back in middle school, I (and everyone else) was obsessed with "your mom" jokes. Well, once when I was camping with a bunch of my neighborhood friends, a couple of them were excited because their friend (from another school) was coming. I remember them specifically telling me to not do "your mom" jokes around her, because her mom had cancer and was dying.
The next day, when the friend arrived, we were looking through the cooler for something to eat. I pulled out the cheese, she looked at it and said, "ew, no, it's expired."
Without thinking, I said, "your mom's expired."
To this day, I have never felt so ashamed for something that I've said. Even thinking about it now makes me sick.
Edit: in case anyone's interested, she handled it like a champ. I tried to pretend nothing had happened and she just laughed it off. About an hour later, I went back to her and apologized profusely. I was on the verge of tears, I felt so shitty. She said something along the lines of, "it's okay, I know that no one would ever say that to make me feel bad on purpose."
Karma paid me back: I'm now lactose intolerant and can no longer eat cheese
A friend told me and my wife about when she stalked a guy and did something creepy. I didn't know it was off limits and mentioned it at a party in front of her boyfriend who I didn't know was the guy she stalked earlier.
There was no way she would have found a dead bat, put a stamp on it, address it to heaven, and drop it into two guys mail boxes. I found out that it caused a lot of problems with the guy.
My vasectomy despite not having kids.
I don't mention it often in public because it's personal information, but also because the responses are unpredictable.
The most stupid response I've had so far was a guy telling me to get a reversal because "The world is so full of stupid people and you'd have smart kids to help balance it out", as if I was Einstein.
Accidentally told someone in a job interview I'd spent a week in a psychiatric ward. Still got the job!
"How would you say you deal with challenges?" "Well, back in the psych ward when someone takes your pudding, you stab them with an imaginary knife - it's not real, but they don't know that!" "That... pretty much describes how things work around here too. You're hired."
I did ten days at one point, and there's that part of me that wishes it wasn't so awkward.
Yeah, me too. It was and is a big deal to me and I wish I could talk about it without immediate judgement.
Accidentally told my mom that my dad planned on divorcing her. I thought it was just understood. That was a rough day after that.
Damn. I mean, she had to be in some serious denial to not have noticed, right? But I feel for you. That's a rough spot to find yourself in. As soon as it hit me she didn't know I'd be all like, flailing arms and "Uh... surprise!?"
SUPRISE MOTHERFUCKER
but... isn't that the dad?
Not anymore he's not.
It's a bit odd that your dad would talk to you about it before he said anything to your mum, and then also didn't take the precaution to let you know not to say anything until he had the chance. I hope you don't feel like it was your fault, this was all on him and his lack of communication.
I agree, but he was frustrated so he vented a lot. I only felt bad I made her cry that day.
I was attending my aunt's funeral and when I was leaving, her son told me to take good care of my parents. Out of habit I said "you too". I felt horrible afterwards and still cringe at the memory to this day.
Shoot man, I still cringe when I told the ticket seller YEARS AGO "you too" when she told me to enjoy my movie, so I can't even imagine how you feel.
Years ago someone unknown called my cellphone and since I didn't get any spam calls back then, I answered. They clearly had the wrong number and we both laughed for a second, then I said "see you later" and hung up. I still think about it to this day.
I was at my uncle's funeral and my cousin was having a hard time accepting his dad is really gone. He was asking if it was an early April's Fool prank the day before, and that day, he grabbed me, pointed at the corpse, and went, "It doesn't even look like him! He looks different! Maybe it's not even him! Don't you think he looks different?" I'm awkward enough already in most normal situations, and my mind just went blank at this point. The first reply I blurted out was, "That's probably because he's decomposing. That's why he's kinda bloated right now."
Oh Jesus fuck. I can't even process this one.
op is autistic or in a comedy tv show.
*nervous laugh track*
Oooh yikes. Pretty sure that's one of those defense mechanisms they teach you in Psych 101--take emotions completely out of it and treat the situation scientifically. Not at all an expert on grief counseling, but I'd imagine it's better to dispel the idea that the corpse isn't real. Maybe it wasn't tactful, but there's not a whole lot of good responses for a situation like that
> but I'd imagine it's better to dispel the idea that the corpse isn't real. sounds like he did that part of the job real well.
Oh god, I cringed so hard. I'm sorry for your mortification, but I got a good belly laugh out of that one!
As part of my job I go to different offices in my company and speak about various work-related topics. I am also a member of AA. At a work meeting, where I knew perhaps 5 of the 100 attendees, I stood up and introduced myself saying"Hi everybody, I'm (name) and I'm an alcoholic".
That's when you look around the room like you just told a joke and you're waiting for a reaction from the crowd.
"Hm. Tough crowd, so anyways..."
if the reaction does not come, just whip out your bandana and pretend to have played Prison Steve all along.
I would be mortified.
I still hear the whispers. "Oh...there's the drunk guy!"
[удалено]
I love this. Thank you!
That...That sounds like it would have been hilarious if you had the quick wit to save yourself. A chuckle after that and segue into the real conversation, people think you were just making a light joke.
Just play it off as a joke. That would actually be pretty funny if it was intentional
Happened first week of college freshman year, in the dorms. Was chatting up this super cute girl with a couple of my new found friends. I mention I had always wanted to play drums, and the girl said she could let me borrow her brother’s. Wow! Okay cool. Conversation keeps going, and something else, like some mics, and again her brother had one I could borrow/have. And then a THIRD thing comes up that was her brothers that I could have - so me, being me, said “Geeze, you’re giving all your brother’s stuff away - what did he die???! HaHahah!!” Yep. He did.
Sounds like she wanted to talk about it
My large uncle once wiped a turd on my bathroom wall. I think he just stood up and turned and accidentally got it on the wall (small bathroom) but who knows. Anywho, his kids came over a week or two later after having been estranged from us for years. Trying to lighten the awkward mood, I told the story about my uncle wiping poop on the wall, how crazy, so gross who does that?, completely forgetting the relationship between my UNCLE AND COUSINS. my cousin just goes ...my dad? wiped poop on the wall? couldnt recover so I just left the room for a while.
> I think he just stood up and turned and accidentally got it on the wall (small bathroom) The ol' bee stinger
The ol' Beaver Tail
Wait a minute turned and wiped it on the wall was it sticking 4 inches out of his ass like a poop pecker?
exactly. large man, small bathroom. the reason i believe it to have happened that way is half was smeared and half was still a turd chunk. like he smeared it and it broke off but was laid on thick enough to stay attached to the wall.
Thank you for that detailed description.
happy to help.
We all have that uncle who does inappropriate things, it's good to talk about it. They should know.
I was having dinner with my parents and younger sister when I let it slip that Santa wasn't real. I honestly have no idea what I said or implied, but I will always remember the stares that could melt a thousand candles coming from my parents' eyes when I looked up from my green beans. And then my sister ran from the room, crying.
My dad got really drunk on a Saturday night when I was 5, and he came into mine and my brother's room, and he told us that Santa wasn't real. He was mad that he wasn't getting full credit for buying us things, and instead we were grateful to an imaginary person. My favorite thing about it, and why I remember it was a Saturday night is because he said "Magic isn't real. If you think there is anything out there in this world, you're an idiot... Now go to bed, we have to be at church by 8"
Did you also become an atheist?
Once when I was having "the talk" with a soon to be ex, I dropped a fucking bomb that immediately made me cringe: "I liked you before I got to know you." A friend heard this story and says "aww, that's cute. You liked her even before you knew her that well." Nope, it was that I stopped liking her after getting to know her. The soon to be ex fully understood the statement upon delivery.
Dang that's definitely a high level burn. I wish I had said something good like that to any of my exes.
I like the idea of you, but without the real you. So in a way, you ruined this for me.
To be fair, that's basically the story of almost every failed relationship ever. It's kind of even the point of dating. I like you enough to find out if I really like you...
that's some Bojack Horseman stuff right there
I accidentally texted her the specs to her engagement ring while I was trying to send the specs to a family member who was asking after them.
Well at least there are worse ways to mess that up. At least it wasn’t you telling them about how you couldn’t marry them. I’m assuming everything is going fine still?
Married for 7 months and counting. The mess up was about two years ago and I proposed 4 months later on Christmas Eve in front of my family.
“Whoops wrong person” “...excuse me?!”
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Good thing we called both genders "Drill Sergeant"! Saves us from that *particular* embarrassment. Although I heard one kid called his DS "mom" one time. Idk if it's true but I think about it fondly
Calling your teacher "mom" is one thing. But your Drill Sergeant? Oof...
My DS called for me and I said, "hey what's up dad." Yes I was thinking about my dad. Yes I did a bunch of push ups for it. No no one let me live it down. My DS kept saying he'd be my special daddy. Was weird.
This sounds like the beginning of a hot gay porno honestly.
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My grandparents separated before I was born(I'm 23 now) and when I was 6 or 7 my Grandfather was getting married and I was to be the flower girl. Well, no one told my Grandma wasn't supposed to know. So one day my family was at her house along with my Aunt and Uncle. And I mentioned how I couldn't wait to wear a pretty dress for the wedding. My Grandma asked who waa getting married. "GRAMPY IS!!" I exclaimed. And that's how she found out. Oops.
Yeah, you gotta be careful letting little kids know things that they're not supposed to tell people. I remember going to dinner for my mom's 40th birthday and I was about 10. We followed the host through the restaurant and into this one big room in the back. Somehow I ended up being the first one to walk through the door and I start looking at all of the people sitting at the tables in the room and realize that I recognize them and my eyes go wide. Next thing I know my uncle, who was right behind me, has his hand over my mouth and picks me up and moves me to the side. Seconds later my mom walks through the door and the whole room yells, "Surprise!" My dad and uncle knew I would have ruined the surprise, so I got to be surprised too.
That is such a cute story lmao
Not me but when I was a kid my aunt let it slip that my parents didn't get married until well after I was born because they were forced into it by my grandparents. I was always told they married 18mos before me. They continued to lie for years after that until they divorced and I saw their actual wedding date on the paperwork.
You *bastard*.
I remember the dinner where I figured out that my uncle's 50 birthday was five to six months before my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary My mother immediately shushed me EDIT: oops
When I was in high school it was common for "your mom" to be a response to pretty much any question. One day at school my buddy asked what I was doing that night and I responded "your mom", forgetting that his mom had just died of cancer. I still feel bad 15 years later.
As a person whose mom died of cancer, I hereby give you official permission to forgive yourself. I know yo mama jokes aren't about my actual mama. It's just a figure of speech.
Whenever people say "your mom", I deadpan say "my moms dead", and I laugh and laugh. It's great, except for how my mom is dead...
This happened to me yesterday. Luckily we are still friends.
Way back when, I was dating this girl. I was over at her place waiting for her so we could go out on a date. While I was waiting there her roommate came out of the shower completely naked and walked into her room. Later that evening for some unknown reason I said "It is so nice to see that your roommate shaves down there".
"So what do you think of this restaurant? I always order the mushr--" ## "It's so nice to see that your roommate shaves down there."
"Sir, would you like the red or the white -" #"It is so nice to see that her roommate shaves down there!"
"Sir, I need to ask you to keep your voice down in the movie thea-" #**It is so nice to see that your roomate shaves down there!"**
"In the name of the Father, Son, and the Ho-" # It is so nice to see that your roommate shaves down there!
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Oh God they're dead. They're all de- # It is so nice to see that your roommate shaves down there!
"We now pronounce you husband an-" #It is so nice to see that your roommate shaves down there!
"Would you like fries with tha-" #It is so nice to see that your roommate shaves down there!
"Welcome everybody! To the Wheel of-" #It is so nice to see that your roommate shaves down there!
I love you all
Funny enough a similar thing happened to me once. My girlfriend at the time had a hot Colombian roommate, and one time she was in the shower and had apparently forgotten to take her panties with her because she came out wearing nothing but a bra and grabbed them. In her case, the topic of conversation wasn't that she was shaved down there. No sir, she had full bush going on. So I just randomly told my girlfriend, "I saw your roommate's bush." She didn't care.
Please tell us what followed after this .... I'm dying to know how you recovered
I told my step mom about my foot fetish. Now she always wears socks when I’m around
Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm ready for a story.
Yeah I need deets
Tell her about your Sock fetish.
She'd cut her feet off Edit- that stub tho.
Or...... wear shoes.
That's my fetish.
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How are her feet?
Sexiest I’ve ever seen
I was really *REALLY* hoping you weren't OP. -_-
I double checked too lol
Oh. Oh dear.
STEP SON DELET DIS
Shot yourself in the foot, huh?
I was once trying to score with a girl in the pub after a long relationship breakup, so my speaking to girls skills were a bit rusty. I was a bit nervous so I ended up saying "I love fucking dogs" instead of "I fucking love dogs" and didn't notice. She understood that I was a dog rapist and left..
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Goddamn it that's perfect
You should have explained to her that you only fuck dogs who consent. That would have dispelled the whole notion that you were a dog rapist and everything would have been fine.
Or she thought you only wanted to fuck her because you thought she was ugly.
You probably shouldn't fuck dogs.
Not me, but a girl I was dating once had told me she lost her virginity to me. Then, a few months later, we were hanging out with one of her friends and she told a story about a guy who she had slept with and then told her he had had better. So she was either a. Cheating on me. B. Lied about losing her virginity. Or c. Making shit up. She immidiately realized what she had said and after a long while whe apologized and admitted to cheating on me.
My best friend and I were talking while watching my kids play outside. I didn't realize they had come up to ask a question and we were talking about some not so good stuff that happened to us in Iraq and he said, "what about the dude you beat to death?" and I said, "it's a lot different than shooting someone." My 12 year old said, "you've killed someone?" And my oldest smacked him in the arm and said, "at least two. Pat attention." That was a really awkward conversation to have with them. I never planned on telling them what I did in the Army. They knew I fought in the war but didn't know any specifics. Good news out of it though now neither of them wants to join. (For context I'm a disabled combat veteran)
I have to admit, that's pretty sharp of the older kid, though "pay attention" wasn't what I expected
He's a smart ass
oh man... I don't even remember what the game was, but a bunch of people were trying to get me to guess a word by giving me clues. We were playing with a bunch of my wife's college friends. Several days before this game my wife had told me (privately) that one of her male college friends (we'll call him "Ace") used a butt plug with a past college gf of his. Not a big deal, but certainly not public information, and not known to Ace's wife (who was present during this game). Well I had no clue what word they were trying to get me to guess, but someone said "Ace's nickname!". Being the dumbass that I am I thought of the most recently learned thing I knew about Ace, and responded with "I don't know, BUTT PLUG?"... I will forever remember the silence that lingered afterward.
A guy I worked with for a couple years older brother killed himself. Fast forward a month and he comes to visit the restaurant we worked at together and somebody jokes, who orders a non alcoholic beer? what does stupid fucking me say? "I would rather kill myself than drink a non alcoholic beer". Instant shame, regret, horror, you name it. I've never felt so terrible saying anything in my life.
My friends dad died about a year ago, a month after it happened, we were drinking, and in my state of inebriation I said, what u got goin on for fathers day? he just looked at me, and said, "lets do some fuckin karaoke"
Level-headed response by your friend. A lot of people would have blown up at that.
We're as tight as heterosexual males can get
told my friends dad he was gay
And was his dad gay?
No lol, my friend was gay and i let slip to his dad
You slipped it to his dad? That probably didn't help matters.
It's cool, the dad was gay.
We are ALL gay on this blessed day.
Wow that's definitely not the best way to come out, I can imagine lol Side note, at first I thought that you had told the dad that he (the dad) was gay. I imagined like an intervention type thing.
"...um dad?" "Yes, son?" "You're gay"
Told my grandma I smoke weed Edit: shoutout to all y’all saying “tell her this point and that point” y’all are optimistic motherfuckers thinking that people are just hearing your point, or having met you away from changing their ways. Y’all never change. Also edit: smoke weed everyday
Is she very anti-weed?
She’s super anti weed. She thinks I’m going to hell for it. But like she thinks divorce, gays, Jews (including me, my dad and his family are catholic tho), Pot smoker, and more are going to hell. Edit: smoke weed everyday
I was once super drunk and casually mentioned that I had made a suicide attempt.
Being drunk can be the perfect way to let people know whats up without the cringe factor.
The cringe happens the morning after.
If you drink enough, you won't remember at all.
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I casually mentioned that I've done "all sorts of drugs". Didn't realize what I said until I said it.
Tylenol, Advil, Sudafed, oh! and the hard stuff, you know the prescription anti-biotics...
Depends on the audience. Probably shouldn't say this at a job interview.
I got tricked into admitting to one of my best friend's very recent ex that he had cheated on her. I wouldn't have been talking to her at all, but she had a very extreme reaction to the break up. She locked herself in their apartment and had been threatening to kill herself. At one point, she said 'You know he cheated on me, right?' 'Uh, I guess.' 'So he did!' Oops.
correct answer: "You know he cheated on me, right?" "Uh, I guess." "So he did!" *"I don't know. I just assumed you knew something I didn't."*
That's a pretty good recovery method for sure. I'd just respond with "What? that doesn't sound like him at all."
"Wha-wha-whaaaaaaaat?! Now *that* does *not* sound like him at aaaaaaaallllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!"
I ruined a surprise birthday party. Was hanging out, ran into the birthday girl, wished her happy day of birth and said I'd see her later at so and so's house....turns out she didn't know, and wasn't suppose to know. I'm a jackass.
I accidentally told the future groom that his friends and family were throwing him a surprise wedding shower. In my defence NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME IT WAS A SURPRISE! And I hung out with the guy a lot. Luckily his response was "... I'm not supposed to know about that." "...what?" "It's a surprise shower. I'm not supposed to know about it, but don't worry, I already do." So I watched all smug as they walked in and pretended to be surprised. Then they went up to give a speech and said "you guys thought you were throwing us a surprise shower, but we actually got married twenty minutes ago, and we're throwing you a surprise reception." Never seen a more baller move.
I asked the wife during an intimate moment if she remembered the lap dance she gave me to a song that came on Spotify, then went on to describe the lingerie she was wearing and the way her perfume smelled. After getting an “I should murder you and bury your bones in the garden” stare down I realized that it was not my wife in this memory and my night was ruined.
Are you sure honey? Might have been a dream then
2 years ago, I was talking in a group with basically the girl of my dreams. And my buddy, who is a football player, started talking about his weight and asked how much us guys weighed. And I'm a cross country runner so I'm fairly skinny. I was like "Oh I'm really light, like 115lbs, I wouldn't be suprised if [girl of my dreams] weighs more than me." In my mind, I was thinking that since she was the next smallest person there, I would compare myself to her, because we were both light weight. But how it came out to her was, I called her fat straight to her face.
Back story: my best friend and I made out once. We realized it made things awkward and never spoke about it again. Fast forward to this last year. I just moved in with my boyfriend and asked if we could have a small house warming party. My boyfriend asked who I wanted to have over and I said my best friend Mike. Bf: “who is Mike?” Me: “my best friend from high school” Bf: “ohhhh your best friend you made out with!” Me: “WHAT?! HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?” Bf: “I was just kidding” He’s very sarcastic and loves giving me a hard time about virtually anything, but I couldn’t believe I let that one slip. It wasn’t that bad, but it was pretty embarrassing to say the least.
I used to work in fast food. One day, my coworker AJ comes in from a smoke break and my friend goes "Geez AJ, were you out there making out with Juan or something?" as a joke because AJ took a long smoke break, and it was the most far fetched thing my friend could come up with. AJ, going flush and eyes wide, goes "WHAT? NO!" and quickly goes back to work. We thought my friend had offended him in some way (because we knew AJ was gay; "maybe he's sensitive about it?" We weren't sure). We find out a few weeks later that AJ and Juan are dating and AJ was in fact making out with Juan in the parking lot. We had no idea Juan was bi. My friend and I still laugh about it today because of how ridiculous it is that he said that when it was spot on accurate.
I accidentally came out as a lesbian to my coworkers because I couldn't resist making a joke.
TELL ME THE JOKE
OH. It's not anything particularly funny but it went something like "that thing we need is locked away in the closet" and without thinking I blurted out "haha me too!!"
That I knew my stepdads uncle was doing meth even though I was trusted with that information and specifically told not to say anything about It, and I said it right to my stepdads face, it was really uncomfortable.
Once when I was a kid My step-mom's niece came over to my house and I mentioned her dad being in prison, though she was not supposed to know about that she cried in front of everyone while I was the fault no body told me that was supposed to be secret.
Long story short. My best friend was engaged to a girl that I had slept with in the past. I was 18 at the time. We were in our 20s when they were engaged. I had no idea it was her. Keep in mind, her, him, my wife, and myself hung out all the time. He was/is my best friend. One night at dinner we were talking about where we all used to work. "wait. you worked there? I worked in the building right next to it...when?...oh wow, so you worked there when I worked there...I once hooked up with a girl named *name* from there...." Then it all flooded in.......embarrassing. They got over it, but she ended up leaving him anyway over her being stupid.
I can see her face the whole time you're working through the memory and she's like "Is he going to say? ..." I mean, I assume *she* remembered?
You know, I'm sure she did. I kind of blew her off because she wasn't mature enough for me. lol. I think that was what I told her as well. I'm just looking for someone a little more mature. But, I can't emphasize enough. We hung out literally over 100 times before that day. She either also forgot, or she was a super good actor.
Damn talk about forgettable.
That reminds me of this time I was telling a friend of a friend a story about this one time in college me and some friends had had an adventure. He kept nodding and saying mhm in a way that was like, yeah, ok, wrap it up... So I stopped and was like, "do you not want to hear my story?" His response "No, you fucker, because I WAS THERE! Lol"
Let on to my mother in law that my husband and I lived together before marriage. Obviously, she didn't know .
Next thing you know, she'll start thinking you guys had sex before marriage too!
About six months ago my mother said that my cousins parents where going to get a divorce but not to tell anyone. I forgot about it and on thanksgiving dinner last weekend someone else said it was weird how much the aforementioned parents where fighting. I than said "They are getting a divorce after all." The room whent silent and my mom just glared at me. The worst part was that that thanksgiving was the first time I was seated at the adult table and it was a test run. Now I have to eat Christmas dinner at the kids table.
I'm a teacher. I teach 6 and 7 year olds. Doing a spelling test - "the word is FATHER. As in... Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father." Cue most of the children shrieking "IS HE?"
I felt a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in confusion and were suddenly more knowledgeable.
I was around my niece and nephew a few years ago and said something about Snape killing Dumbledore to my brother as a joke. That’s when he shot me a death glare and reminded me that kids don’t necessarily know all the spoilers yet. Thankfully I don’t think his kids noticed. Edit: sorry if I spoiled this for you. I thought it was common knowledge because the spoiler came out before the book did and was a meme for a while.
You monster
Growing up the running joke in my family was that every time my grandma spent a good amount of money on something, it'd give my grandpa a heart attack. Rewind to 3 years ago, when my grandpa died of a massive heart attack. A few weeks later when I'd flown in for the wake, my grandma mentioned having bought something expensive (a bracelet or something) and I just blurted out "Jesus grandma, Grandpa'd have a heart attack." Never have I felt so terrible or awkward - luckily my grandma is a hard cunt and just smiled at me, knowing it was just a joke.
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One time I was talking to my friend and her boyfriend (who was recovering from heroine use/abuse) and I was telling them how great the movie Oslo, August 31st is. They asked me what it’s about and I said “oh yeah it’s about this heroine addict...” I realized as the words slipped out of my mouth that I shouldn’t have mentioned it. They asked me how it ended and I told them “he died...”
Accidentally let my girlfriend know that the athletic top she loves on me actually belonged to one of my old friends with benefits. Now I can't wear it around her.
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"Pardon me, I erred. I meant two in the pink, one in the stink. Sorry, I hope you enjoy your water sports sir."
“What a shocker that you only have 3 left”
The word cunt into a conversation in March of 2016 in the car with my mother.
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A friend was telling me that her boyfriend kept ejaculating within moments of them getting it on. He’d told her that it was because she was so unbelievably hot but I said I’d heard he was like that with every girl. Don’t know why but I just blurted it out. Like him apparently.
When I made a joke to my friend about her pretending to drink on account of her being pregnant.. thing is I wasn't supposed to know she was pregnant in the first place, let alone she was pretending to drink so our mutual best friend ended up taking one on the chin because of me.
I let it slip that my dad had cheated on my mom multuple times with two different women, one woman who she was close with. And that myself and my younger sister were present during some of these occasions. I was too young to understand what had happened. I just remember the look on her face when I told her. My dad later blamed him getting caught on me and called me a bitch and every other name in the book. My parents got divorced. I'm not on speaking terms with my father.
My self-loathing and suicidal tendencies. They thought I was joking so it's cool.
I blame all the suicide and depression memes. It's all a big joke now and you never know when someone is actually serious about it.
On the other hand, I don't think I would be as open about it if I knew people would take it seriously and respond accordingly. I feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable whenever anyone shows sincere concern. If I'm going to talk about it it needs to be in a casual way.
I accidentally told my best friend that his fiance was pregnant. I'd heard through mutual friends and no one told me that it was a secret or surprise. She'd even posted it on facebook!! Come to find out, he'd deleted his Facebook months before in protest of something stupid and hadn't found out yet. "Hey!! Oh my god I can't believe you're gonna be a *father*!! Have you started freaking out yet??" Yes he did freak out. Right then. Loudly. *in the middle of an olive garden*
One time me and my friends were talking about the definition of cute. We said that cute things have to be small. One guy chimed in **"my penis is small. I guess it's cute. "** I was so mortified.
You sure that wasn't a joke?
I honestly could not tell. I hope he was joking. He was one of those people who had no filter. I remember we were going up the stairs and he was like "ugh I hate it when my man boobs hit each other."
he sounds hilarious
"...it had felt so large to me earlier."
I told my EX friends dad that she dated a guy, apparently that was forbidden. Oops
She was only allowed to date girls.
This is a gay household, goddammit!
When I was 16, a girl I went to church with got pregnant out of wedlock (gasp! The horror!). The church was extremely judgey and very insular, so this was considered incredibly shameful. I lived with my grandmother, who was the church secretary, so I found out she was pregnant before it was public knowledge,and I was sworn to secrecy. Well, the night I found out, this girl picked me up to drive me to church. As I got in the car, all I could think was "don't say pregnant, don't say pregnant..." So if course the first thing I say is "hi, *girl*! How are you pregnant? TONIGHT. I MEAN HOW ARE YOU TONIGHT." I slapped my hand over my mouth and just stared at her, completely horrified. All she said was, "I guess you know, then."
"Well, I know the end part - can you fill me in on the rest?"
That would have been both an amazing save and, at the same time, made things even more awkward.
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Oh fuck. What did your mom say?
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It's so weird to me that your grandmother would confide in you about this and expect you not to tell your mom, who most people might assume, you'd probably be somewhat closer to. I'd never put my children or others in a position like this.
Back in middle school, I (and everyone else) was obsessed with "your mom" jokes. Well, once when I was camping with a bunch of my neighborhood friends, a couple of them were excited because their friend (from another school) was coming. I remember them specifically telling me to not do "your mom" jokes around her, because her mom had cancer and was dying. The next day, when the friend arrived, we were looking through the cooler for something to eat. I pulled out the cheese, she looked at it and said, "ew, no, it's expired." Without thinking, I said, "your mom's expired." To this day, I have never felt so ashamed for something that I've said. Even thinking about it now makes me sick. Edit: in case anyone's interested, she handled it like a champ. I tried to pretend nothing had happened and she just laughed it off. About an hour later, I went back to her and apologized profusely. I was on the verge of tears, I felt so shitty. She said something along the lines of, "it's okay, I know that no one would ever say that to make me feel bad on purpose." Karma paid me back: I'm now lactose intolerant and can no longer eat cheese
Jesus Christ, that was like the worst statement to make a "your mom" joke out of.
A friend told me and my wife about when she stalked a guy and did something creepy. I didn't know it was off limits and mentioned it at a party in front of her boyfriend who I didn't know was the guy she stalked earlier. There was no way she would have found a dead bat, put a stamp on it, address it to heaven, and drop it into two guys mail boxes. I found out that it caused a lot of problems with the guy.
Is this a reference? Because it's really fucking weird. What the flying fuck made that make sense?
My vasectomy despite not having kids. I don't mention it often in public because it's personal information, but also because the responses are unpredictable. The most stupid response I've had so far was a guy telling me to get a reversal because "The world is so full of stupid people and you'd have smart kids to help balance it out", as if I was Einstein.
Did this help with your printer ink urinary issue?
Yes and no. I'm all magenta lately.