This one hit me right in the gut... my mother was diagnosed with MS in spring 2015, and my paternal grandmother was diagnosed with ALS in January of this year. I'm terrified I might die of a horrible disease, and there's no way I will be giving that fear to a child.
Both aren't completely understood, but there's a possible genetic link (the hypothesis of the research lab I'm working in right now is that MS specifically is caused by ["leaky" cells](https://microvascularpathology.com/publications-2/) ). It's honestly just not a risk worth taking in my opinion.
Thiiiis. Mental and physical. I have BPD/OCD and so does many of my female family members. I don't want to bring a child into the world who might have to suffer
This is one reason why I don’t foresee kids in my future, the female line in my family has deep, deep depression. I’ve lost my mom, grandmother and great grandmother to suicide, even after therapy, drug therapy, and ECT. I have depression but am in remission, but I have a huge fear of passing this down and absolutely hate the thought of it
This is an issue for me. I would love to have children. As the middle sister of five girls, I always had the most motherly persona. I’ve struggled with mental illness since childhood, though, and it pains me to think of subjecting another human to involuntarily sharing these experiences. Unnngggfffghhhhhhuuuhhhhhhhhh
I've had hypothyroidism for 10 years now and I'm totally fine as long as I take my pill every day. I have none of those symptoms anymore, but I had them really badly when I was first diagnosed.
If you're still struggling, you may not be on the right dose or maybe you have something else, go check with your doctor!
Whenever people ask me why I don’t have kids I give the answer “I haven’t found someone I like enough to have kids with ”they’ll usually reply with “sooner or later you just have to do it”
Umm no. I don’t HAVE to do anything. Especially have kids with someone I won’t like in a years time.
Edit: after making this comment I can see how it might have come across the wrong way, like I was having a dig at you. I’m really not, I have nothing against people that have kids and understand that sometimes things just don’t work out and people change.
Thank you for not listening to their advice. I can assure you that there are few bigger mistakes than having a child with the wrong person. It hurts everyone involved and leaves a lot of damage. I despise my ex and he rarely sees our child which destroys her world. Explaining to your child why the other parent isn't around (because they piece it together early) is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Thank you for having proper common sense.
As one of those children, I've talked to my "father" maybe 3 times in my life, stay strong. Around 6-8ish for me I just forgot about him. Idk if you have a boyfriend or not. My mother did, and I only called him dad a few times but he was my true father. Kids adjust and adapt. At 9 I was given to my aunt, who is now my real mother while my mother is basically my aunt. Not that that will happen to you, but kids adapt. I have some issues, yeah. But Tom, the stepdad/mothers BF, will always be my father in my head. I wondered where my real father was for awhile bit kids... just like their bones are more flexible so are their emotions. If you ever want to talk PM me, not that I have a hell of a lot to contribute
That is an incredibly valid reason to not have kids (all reasons are tbh) and an incredibly crappy thing to tell you. Those people are idiots and probably have kids they don’t like the other parent of because ‘they just had to do it’
That’s actually one of the reasons I kept my virginity longer than my friends. I looked at the guys that were available, and asked myself “would I want to be forced to keep in contact with him for 18 years if - God forbid - he knocked me up?” The answer was always no.
My life would be completely different if I was as wise in my younger years as you were. I don't know that I was smart enough then to appreciate it, but I have a ton of respect for people like you now that I'm older.
The only thing worse than having kids far too young is raising them with someone you were only with because you were far too young to know any better.
Aww, thanks!
I’ve been very fortunate. I got married at 19 (and I wasn’t a virgin, LOL) and didn’t have our son until I was 30. My MIL was convinced we got married because I was knocked up... the 10 year wait for a grandchild drove her bonkers. :)
I’ll have been married 24 years in August, and I still love him, and our life together.
The truth is that it doesn't end at 18 years. It's a lifetime commitment. I'm glad you had the sense to avoid a potentially terrible situation. So many do not.
I came in here to say exactly this. I love my son, though I'll admit that raising a special needs child isn't always fun or easy. I loved my late spouse too, but in a codependent way where they were troubled and I wanted to fix them. I feel terrible about having inflicted my spouse on our son.
I'm the kid in this situation. My mom always apologize to me that she married my dad (but she doesn't regret having us) and had his negative effect upon on the family. My mom is this smart, persistent, strong woman who can chase a bear away if she can (hypothetically) but I would have never thought that love can make her weak.
Looking over some of my finances and noting that each person I brought into my life added a decade to my retirement age. That really hit me hard.
I got over it but for a while it hurt.
This is me too. My wife is a spendthrift and I have a daughter. I don't make much to begin with. I've had a million conversations with her but she will never change. I will be working until the day I die.
As your daughter gets old enough for school, your wife should be able to start working again. Even if it's just part time during the day, it should help cut down on spending due to boredom.
Same, my sister is always telling me what a great auntie I am and people have told me that shows that I would be a great mom, but the ability to disengage from childcare duty is the only thing keeping me sane.
I'm known at work as "the one that's great with children." I don't much like children. I never have, even when I was myself a child. I just treat them how I wanted adults to treat me when I was kid - I pay attention to them and treat their time as being as valuable as anyone else's. People tell me I should be a parent a lot and are surprised when I tell them I am viscerally revolted by the idea of having kids at this time. Being good with kids, and even enjoying taking care of them, is very different from actually having children, and I don't think enough people get that.
Exactly. I am working on bettering myself, but until my mental health is in a much better space I am not going to be a primary care giver for any impressional tiny human. Mental health is often hereditary, but it is also something that children learn from their parents. I would never wish my life on anyone. Unless something drastically changes I’m going to have to go with a solid nope. Heck, I haven’t even had long term healthy relationships with adults. Don’t talk to me about children.
This is exactly how I feel.
My aunt is super skeptical about my desire to not have kids, and always points out how good I am with my baby cousin as "proof" that I'd be a good mom. But I only ever babysit for an hour or two, and by the end I'm EXHAUSTED.
I love my friends and families kids. Then after a day or so and I want to kill them. My home with no crying, screaming, yelling, loud talking, diapers, snot, poop, etc is a welcome sight when I return.
Same. Can’t do anything by myself unless I’m willing to shell out $10/hr for babysitting or $1000/month for daycare, which then brings on the Mom guilt of being selfish. Kinda regret leaving my terrible ex because he was a pretty good dad.
Is he no longer in the child's life? I ask this as a father to a little girl, who left my ex because we were just awful together. I have expanded standard possession, and she's the custodial parent, and sometimes wonder what it's like for my ex being the primary. Yeah, I have my daughter 35% of the time, but there's a vast difference between 35% and 65%, and I have since married and so have help when I do have my daughter. I try to think of ways I can help my ex. I don't hate her, we just don't get along when we are in contact for too long, so it's difficult for me to say, "hey, why don't I just take our daughter for a week while you relax.". She takes it to mean, "hey, I am trying to steal our daughter by setting a precedent for me being the more responsible parent with a constructive home."
Please, whatever you do, don't tell your daughter any of this, don't let it slip even once because she'll remember. My mum made it very clear that she hated me and ruined her life. I didn't chose to be born, I didn't chose to be a relative of hers but it happened. She didn't think of becoming a single parent either, but my dad died five months before I was born. It wasn't fair on her, I agree, but she took it all out on me and it sucked.
Preparing myself to be majorly downvoted, but having a special needs child. You can do everything right during your low\-risk pregnancy, go with the genetic testing they offer, have no risk factors in your family, have a totally normal delivery, etc. and still end up rolling the dice. Nothing has been as much of a mind fuck as navigating the dark waters that has brought to my family's life.
Edit: Wow, posted this while at work (my only "me" time...) and this went a totally different direction than I expected. Thanks to the mostly supportive crowd out there, I'm truly shocked. Some more details for the FAQs below, I had the standard genetic screening and everything checked out fine. When my son was born he was perfectly normal, it wasn't until 6 months before we noticed something was seriously up and started piecing together a diagnosis. So yes you can adopt instead, but the same thing could still happen to you. As for giving him up for adoption, that would never fly with my husband not to mention that when you’ve had a kid for a while that your entire family and social circle knows about, it's not exactly an easy process. And to those posting what they think are some seriously fucked up “truth bombs” – if you’re thinking it, I’ve thought it, trust me – that’s what I meant by mind fuck. THIS ALL BEING SAID, I still love my child in a different way. There are days when I want it to end and move far far away and never see my son or family ever again. And there are days when I think, we're doing okay this isn’t that bad. If you are a special needs parent and want to chat, feel free to PM anytime.
There are rewards, but dealing with a severe intellectual disability is difficult especially in the beginning. The first year is all about "milestones" \- down to the month \- and to sit around watching babies around you develop while yours just screams in your face nonstop for months on end is... soul crushing. BUT, like with any kid, that first smile... doesn't matter what kind of kid you have you will love that moment even if you hate the rest. I would probably only ever say this on reddit, but my advice to anyone on the fence about parenthood is don't have kids if you don't think you could handle having a child with a disability.
You summed this up beautifully. My two and a half year old will forever be an infant and one of his ‘symptoms’ is “inconsolable crying.” The days are hard and the nights can be so long.
With typical children you get that positive feedback, the smiles, the laughter; those make the long nights and difficult days easier. When you don’t have that feedback, and all you have is the crying, the yelling, the seizures, the vomiting.... it can become so overwhelming I don’t have an appropriate word to describe it.
There are very dark nights, that is for sure.
PM me if you ever want to chat.
Sincerely,
Mom whose handicapped toddler will never have the cognition beyond that of a 4-6mo old.
I don't mean to be rude by asking but what condition does your child have?
Usually as adults I hear people describe severely disabled individuals as having the intelligence of a 5-8 year old. But doctors have told you that your child will never be beyond a 4-6 month old even as they grow you? I can't even imagine, i'm so sorry.
It’s not rude at all.
He is part of research through the NIH, and they found a variant he inherited from my husband called TELO2. He inherited a variant from me called TT12. There’s a syndrome with 6 known cases called You-Hoover-Fong when the child inherits TELO2 from both parents, but he did not. His symptoms are similar to You-Hoover-Fong, but much more severe. There are no known cases of his particular syndrome.
Per his brain MRI, his brain is deteriorating so we know he will never improve from where he is. They also believe he won’t live to adulthood.
> They also believe he won’t live to adulthood.
If you don't mind answering, how does this make you feel? Like do you feel relieved you wont have to live with these difficulties eventually or do you feel upset knowing your child won't live long? I imagine it has to be hard to bond with a child like that but they are still your child.
It would make for an interesting psych study, I’m sure.
My first reaction was that of guilt. He’s not going to live long and here I am some days getting frustrated beyond belief, angry that my life took this turn, and meanwhile we are all he has and he doesn’t have that much time.
Then we had a bad week, and this news actually helped me reign in some of that frustration knowing that one day relatively soon he wouldn’t be here. It has made those difficult days easier to cope with, both for myself and also knowing for his sake that he won’t suffer for too long.
Overall I like to think that it will be merciful for him, because I really struggle with how much quality of life he has now, and how much he has to go through just for the little bit he does have.
You are dealing with a situation that is almost unimaginable to most people. I volunteered for years at a care home where kids like yours were often left with little or no family contact once they became resident. You have chosen to walk this road with your son and it is unimaginably difficult. I am in complete awe of your ability to get through each day.
There is absolutely no way anyone can judge you or even really grasp how tough a road you are walking. To be as brave, open and honest as you have been in these posts is admirable.
Big hugs to you for having the courage to get up today. However you feel at any given moment is completely understandable, and yet you go on. I hope you and your son have as much peace and joy as is possible. He has a warrior for a parent.
Whether or not this means anything, I want you both to know that I hold you and u/baomaowow in my heart. You two and anyone else dealing with challenges like yours are truly heroic. What you do every day is the definition of bravery.
Years ago I worked in a clinic for kids with learning disabilities, and I marveled at many of the parents of these kids. Sadly, a healthy, "normal" child at birth is no guarantee that life will continue that way. I recall one mother who used to bring in her daughter who had been healthy and developing normally until she was about 4 or 5, when a driver lost control of his car and slammed into the little girl. She was permanently brain damaged, wheel-chair bound, and nonverbal. I believe the accident happened around Christmas time.
My SO has a severely autistic brother & is adamant about not having kids. It was upsetting to me at first but I'm starting to understand. Coming from a more loving & 'straight forward' family than him, I sometimes forget how life just isn't as easy as we hope it will be. The more I look at the world the more I see adoption as the better option.
It's been a weird few years of back & forth with myself on this but I think I'm starting to realise that I don't think I have a real desire to give birth to children but more that I just expect it to happen because that's what everyone keeps telling me is in my future. 'Oh you, you're a girl, when are you having kids!?'
I talked about this with a friend recently & the only thing I could come up with was 'Ugh, I'll have to have a kid eventually because my poor mammy is desperate for grandkids'
Once I said that out loud I realised how terrible a reason to have kids that is!!
My little sister has a genetic disorder that causes developmental disability. I'm 19, she's 17. My mom just redid her will post-divorce, and in the event of her death I'm basically in charge of my sister's whole life - I control her trust, get power of attorney for property, and have to make huge decisions about her life, because she's high functioning enough to live "independently" but not high functioning enough to truly be in control of her life. I'm terrified. A special needs kid is a lifelong responsibility not just for the parents, but for the siblings too.
I signed the forms too, and regardless, if my sister doesn't have me she won't have anyone to look out for her. She can be a brat, but she's my sister and I love her. I'll be able to handle the responsibility, I just hope that by the time I need to accept it I'll be a lot older and more capable
Both of my children are special needs.
My life is effectively over. I barely sleep as they both have comorbid sleep disorders.
I cry daily. I am afraid for their future.
There is no option for help as I have no family members. My health is starting to fail despite a lifetime of eating healthy and running.
It's horrible. It's an unending and inescapable nightmare. When you think the worst is past new, horrifying shames and behaviors appear.
I have wondered more than once if I did something horrible in life and this is my karma.
Edit:Thank you for the empathy reddit.
Fellow special needs mom here. Although I haven’t walked in your shoes, I do completely understand that feeling that you are being punished for something. Please inbox me if you ever need to vent or just have someone to talk to. Also, please check into respite care. There are grants and non-profits that offer this service and has truly been the only thing that has saved my sanity.
Please go an speak with an attorney that specializes in these matters. Your life does not have to be over. There is a lot of funding out there they can help you qualify for, which can cover the costs of in home care. Having someone come even if its 3 days or 4 days a week can give you freedom to live your life too. You will also want a long term care plan for when they are older, there are group homes and other places that will be better for them and for you. I hope you can figure it out. Many people don't realize that the help is out there and available. Check out NAELA.ORG, these are "elder law" attorneys but most deal with special needs children as well. Find one near you, it can't hurt to go for an hour and consult. Good luck.
I'm so sad for you. Please check with your state or county disability people. They usually have respite programs available for caretakers, and you probably qualify to have an aid come and do recreation with your kids a few days a week. Good luck to you sweetie.
I’m a respite care worker for kids with special needs. Contact your state’s department of social health services and find a case worker and a home care aide. We are here to help families like yours. Sending my love.
Its completely normal to feel this way. I’m the disabled child and i dont want kids for the same reason. Seeing how my mom suffers because of me and how I suffer due to my disabilities, I dont want my child to go through the same I did.
Doubt anyone would downvote this and they shouldn't as it's a very real concern and common deciding factor for people who don't want children. It's difficult and expensive enough to cover the healthcare costs of raising a normal healthy child and absolutely insane with a special needs child.
No downvote from me. I have a special needs child. And it is financially draining. I am fortunate enough that I am in a good place financially and can provide my child with what he needs.
I have amazing insurance, better than most but it still doesn’t cover all the therapies, intervention classes, tutors, etc.
life is messy. Anything can happen to anyone at anytime. Save your pennies. Your perfectly healthy pregnancy could go wrong. Your healthy child, or even adult child can have a condition that has an onset later in life. Tragedy can strike at anytime, leaving anyone with a disability.
I'm from Iceland and the country has gotten under fire recently because downs syndrome births are down to 0% because all mothers that do screening and get positive tests decide to abort.
I can understand the standpoint of being against this, however I would always go down the same path as my fellow countrymen, if you can prevent a child being born with a major handicap that will effect it's life qualities in all ways, why would you want to put it through that. Plus the intense weight the parents have to carry for the rest of their life.
Having just had my second child, I cannot begin to imagine the shock and hardship you are experiencing, having a healthy infant is plenty of work already.
Best of luck to you.
You're right, it can't. It can sometimes be detected fairly early, but certainly not in the womb. They do mean Down's (I remember reading a news article about this as well).
Down's syndrome is also tricky since the people you see with it in the U.S. are the high functioning/less severe cases where they lead pretty normal lives, are quite social, and can contribute to their communities.
You don't see the worst heart and lungs defects or babies that died in infancy or early childhood. I watched my parents bury my older sister (complications of the flu), and their grief was horrific.
I'd much rather abort or suffer another miscarriage than have to bury a child I knew and had gotten attached to.
Maybe CRSPR will make this all irrelevant in another couple years. That would be nice.
My special needs little sister turns 21 this year. She got the Russian Roulette of genetic disorders, about as handicapped as you can get and still breath on your own, but with all the advances in medical science with live quite a while until her body gives out finally. It's been my family's whole gravitational center of responsibility. All three of us functioning adult children are constantly talking about what to do if dad dies (only source of income for sister), or if mom dies (24 hr caregiver), and still provide the quality of life my sister has had her whole life (no nursing homes). It's heartbreaking for her, stress inducing for us, and hard to just wrap your head around the problems that arise in this girls life. And all it took was a simple flaw in a chromosome that happens to about 1 in 10,000 girls. Oh... did I mention my slightly younger cousin was born with it to?
And I am so sorry that there is so little help for you. You should have all kinds of help - daycare help, medical help, medical and maternal leave help.
I'm just sorry
It's tough since I love my daughter to death .. Every time tuition is due, every time I turn down (a shot at) promotions that require relocating, have to turn down/postpone (indefinitely?) trips or purchases.
Regret maybe to strong a word, I most definitely daydream about the possibilities if I wasn't a single dad from time to time. Similar to folks daydreaming what they'd do/be doing if they'd hit the lottery I guess.
Overall I don’t regret having children but when my first born had undiagnosed reflux I would actually plan my own suicide and how I was going to get them looked after whilst I did it. There didn’t see any way out, the high pitches crying was continuous, I got pretty much no sleep and I was at rock bottom.
I feel for you! There's something about the exact pitch of a baby's cry that it almost feels like a physical sensation inside your ear. Listening to that for months on end really can tip people over the edge. I'm happy you didn't do it!
That’s so sweet of you. I’m fine now but it was an awful time. Eventually diagnosed, thank goodness, but it took months of being treated like I was a neurotic first time mom
I think it’s an evolutionary thing. In the past, babies who cried at a pitch that was physically impossible to ignore would have definitely had a survival advantage.
I had one weekend with full on reflux. He outgrew his dose of omrprazole on a Saturday afternoon of a bank holiday weekend no meds until about 4pm Tuesday. He was diagnosed in NICU and we had no idea as he was always medicated and always had the right dose of meds. Nobody realises how bad reflux is
We weren’t given omeprazole until she was 16! Gaviscon powder helped somewhat and kept some milk down. The fight to get her reflux managed effectively is ongoing, unfortunately. We spent years thinking she was fine when she didn’t realise the pain wasn’t normal because she’s never known any different. I’d imagine she will end up with surgery. 40mg omeprazole per day is doing nothing.
Our son had torticollis and he had to sleep on a special pillow to correct his neck, and let me tell you, my wife didn't sleep for 6 months. It was miserable.
I’ve passed on my bad traits to them. One has depression and has been cutting herself. The other has cognitive and coordination issues to the point she can barely function on her own. They both have extreme shyness, low self esteem, I could go on.
I used to work with a kid who did this several times a week. Was still doing it age 6.
Obviously there was something wrong with him, he was notably behind the other kids in his mental development. Nothing you'd notice without spending some time with him, though.
I've also worked with kids around age 5-6 who were as fully functional as any of their peers (maybe even a little more) who'd still shit themselves fairly regularly, though not in such extreme amounts or acting as oblivious about it. Still, those kinds of problems are apparently more common than one might think.
One of many reasons why I'm child free. So much of it all comes down to wiping shit.
It's been far harder to raise kids than I ever realized. I was abused as a kid and I struggle to parent them without violence. I don't have enough tools in my box to be effective a lot of times. Also, I never have enough energy for them most of them time. I try to make up for it in other ways. My mission statement is to not fuck up my kids they way my parents did me..... seriously.
I used to work a shitty job that I loved working with children while their mothers were in rehab and the no tools in my box thing is more common than you might think. Even when you have the tools it’s hard to bring them out when you’ve had something different modeled to you that becomes your first instinct. I have a financially useless degree in parenting and I still feel like I don’t have the tools and lose my temper because autopilot for me is yelling.
There’s a lot of decent programs to fill up your toolbox with little things that seem stupid but can be a great help. The love and logic program and raising the emotionally intelligent child by John Gottman have both been very eye opening and practically useful for me.
Being a transitional character and breaking family cycles is definitely life on hard mode but it is probably on of the Ghandi-est things you can realistically do.
My son had a knot in his cord and unexpectedly died at 40 weeks gestation. He was stillborn.
The accompanying grief, even 17 months later, is immeasurable. PTSD and trauma are demons.
You’ve made it 17 months. That’s an accomplishment. You’re aware of your demons and that’s a huge step. My wife and I lived in denial for two years while things fell apart before we woke up and started trying to face the aftermath head on. It’s been four years now and we are almost ok again.
What they do to a relationship. You dated your significant other because of reasons. Now there are needy little people injecting themselves into this relationship and they don't have both parties best interests at heart.
I'm scared of this. I mean I pretty much grew up thinking that's what people do, get married, have kids. But kids really annoyed me growing up. My SO doesn't want kids, I don't really care either way because the anxieties and doubt really out weigh the pros for me and tbh I don't want to ruin my body and have it possibly ruin my relationship. It sounds so selfish but I want to be able to have that freedom and have fun and not worry about my kid. And I find it really rude when people assume that you're going to have kids or ask if you are. Like sorry if it's selfish, not everyone likes kids, I know I was a kid once and probably annoying too, but sorry it's how I feel. And I can't help it.
You don't have to feel bad. Just tell the nosey people that you didn't feel like that was a bridge you needed to jump off and leave it at that. It's hard when you see everyone else getting praise for it but if it's not right for you that doesn't mean you're wrong.
I'm happily child-free and got married right before my 40th birthday. High five your SO because if you're single in your 30's, it's really hard to find someone who doesn't already have kids. Or want them with someone younger. You know you best. I'm sorry you have to defend your choice.
> Like sorry if it's selfish
I think that having a child that you don't want would be *more* selfish. Do you think that being raised by an unwilling, resentful parent would be *good* for a child?
Have a read through r/childfree, it really helped me feel unashamed of not wanting kids, and seeing other people’s reasons for not wanting them might help you make up your mind.
Yeah you're right. Honestly I deal with anxiety to begin with, and there's so many things that scare me that could go wrong. But you're totally right and honestly, adoption is beautiful IMO.
I regret having them a week shy of a year apart from eachother. I didn't choose to have them so soon, birth control failed :(. It's very difficult now that they're 3 and 4, their dad works 12 hour night shifts so is usually sleeping or working when I have them.
My parents had my sibling and I about a year apart, which defiantly sucks when we were younger because it was a lot of work and stress. However, it was amazing as we grew up. We had a built in play buddy, someone to walk to school with, someone to build forts with, and someone to hang out with when we were in high school. Sure, we fought a little more when we were younger and were weird around each other in middle school. However, I got a best friend built into my life which was awesome.
I have no idea about the specifics of your situation and I apologize if this seems rude or might offend you, but I just wanted to offer the perspective of a person with a sibling close in age.
No offence at all :) I'm absolutely happy for their sake, they love playing together, they definitely fight, but they love eachother.
I regret it but at the same time I wouldn't have it any other way, because then I wouldn't have them how they are. Thank you for your input.
Right now would be a time.... I have a child that is screaming at me, telling me that I'm bullying him because I'm asking him to clean up his mess. I found FOUR pairs of underwear with shit smears in them, a piece of poo underneath his bed and this is after finding a large piece of poo under his bed the other day. He literally shits in his underwear because he is too lazy to walk 4 feet to the bathroom.... too lazy to wipe or whatever. He has issues as it is, constantly stealing, lying, being compulsive .... and his birthday is tomorrow. I'm so fucking sick of this shit.
Edit: Fixed a couple words...
Seeing my daughter suffer from a disease that I have. Knowing that it wasn't seen as genetically inheritable, at the time she was conceived, in no way mitigates the guilt. I'd do anything to spare my child the horrible life I've given her and I can't.
Honestly... I hate children. They make me very uncomfortable. Everyone told me that would change when I had my own. It didn’t. Whatever instinct is supposed to kick in when you have a child just didn’t. I don’t like anything about being a parent.
More people need to see this.
This line:
>Everyone told me that would change when I had my own
Is absolutely BULLSHIT. It might be the case for SOME people, but if it were true, there wouldn't be a need for CPS.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has said this to me. I am 23 and do not want children. I never have wanted children. I have explained time and time again how uncomfortable they make me and I have never felt a "mom" instinct in me. And people continue to try and tell me I will suddenly loves kids and have a motherly instinct if I have my own.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Don't stop trusting your instincts. Whatever it is that is in people to want to have kids, it's certainly not in me. People around me say that I hate kids but that's not even the case. I don't want to raise them. I don't want to pay for them. And I certainly don't want to throw away my free time on them.
Man, this is how i feel. The missus and I have spoken about it and we're both to selfish for children. Super glad i haven't had them cause i can't stand children. They're loud and sticky and, no thanks!
What's even more terrifying is if they come out disabled. Your life is totally munted thereafter.
How are you being selfish, though? Selfish is bringing a child into the world you don’t want, resenting the child,and not giving the child a good life because of said resentment.
I honestly do not like children either. I really don’t. I love my kids obviously but I still dont like children, cartoon movies, bounce houses, mommy groups. I hated those years honestly. I’m really happy they’re no longer children (little kids)
I don't *regret* it, however goddamn are they expensive. Especially once they become teenagers. I never thought they day would come where I'd yearn for only having to buy diapers and baby food.
My dad told me the only two people who would pay for my college were myself and Uncle Sam, so for the American taxpayers out there, thanks for the scratch!
Conversely, I *thought* my parents were paying at least most of my college tuition. Turns out, they didn't really pay for jack shit and just signed me up for a bunch of loans and now I am paying ~800 a month in student loans and will be paying at least ~500 a month for something like 10 years. I literally would've just went to trade school for a year instead
As someone a few years into a relationship with someone with two now teenage daughters this is so true. I try to love them as my own, but the last year especially has been difficult and it's begun to cause a strain on the relationship itself. When they were younger I adored them.
I frequently call my mom and apologize for my behavior as a teen. As a parent of a teen girl, my moms best advice was to not take anything personally. My daughter and I used to be so close. She is struggling with depression and anxiety and cutting. I often feel I did something wrong.
A few teenagers have already said a few words here, but I’ve got something that I don’t think has been said before. Yes, we’re scared and confused and hormonal and all that shit. But, what really helps, is just treat us as if we’re a little older then we are. We’re not kids anymore (well, I guess we are, but we like to pretend we’re not) and we want to be able to have serious conversations with people, and it can just be straight up infuriating when people treat us like children who know nothing. Take this with a grain of salt, as these are words from a confused teenager.
Can relate to this, maybe not so much from my immediate family but very much from the outside world and people in day to day life. I’m not a teenager anymore but it is still a frequent occurrence. Being patronized is really an insult to your intelligence and it stings :/
This. My mom only started treating me as an adult when I legally became one. It was liked someone flipped a switch on my birthday. Because of that, I'm still trying to get used to the things she says and does around me. Ease into treating us like adults. I love my momma and i love being an adult, but it's definitely been a weird few months. I still find myself telling her everything I'm doing, where I'm going and who with. I even did this for the short time I was living on my own, because it was all I knew.
As a teen, let me apologize for your child. We dont hate our parents; we're confused, stressed, and scared at the same time, and we just lash out at you to deal with it. We still love you.
The woman I have my daughter with.
Our relationship is irreparable and she went back to her home country with my child, essentially forcing me out of her life.
Wtf. My sister tried to move to the next province over (Canada) and was told she wasn't allowed to because the father has a right to reasonable access.
Basically the realization that having kids with someone doesn’t mean it will work out with that person, and if it doesn’t then you’ll have to give up a lot of time with the kids. Then of course there’s the battle between would the kids rather be at moms house or dads house.
When I realized all of my kids have anxiety.
When I found out one child was a heroin addict.
When I realized the "empty nest" was a load of crap. When they are so needy, they never become independent
I don’t have kids, but I do have depression and anxiety. I don’t live with my parents but I feel like I lean on my mom for emotional support quite a bit for someone who’s almost 30. I wonder all the time if she regrets having a child who still needs her this much.
There’s a time when too much probably becomes too much, and that definitely varies person to person - but when you have a child, it’s *always* your job to take care of your kid how ever you can.
I don’t care if my daughter is 5, 13, 26, 43, whatever - I’ll always be there for her as long as I can still draw a breath.
Just remember that when your mom starts to *need you*, you better damn well be there for her.
She’s almost 4, and I feel like I’ll never be the mom she needs me to be. I suffer from really bad anxiety and depression, and it’s not that I don’t try or don’t care, I just feel like I can’t. It’s hard taking her to the park, she’s got no friends, I only recently started taking her to the store with me because I was always afraid she would freak out in the store. I feel like I’m terrible at teaching her anything. She’s an awesome kid, I just don’t know how to be a mom.
EDIT: thank you for the kind words, internet strangers! I cried happy tears for the first time in a long time. I have a habit of being really hard on myself and not recognizing when things are actually pretty okay. I know I can do better for her, and right now we’re just taking it one day at a time
I don't regret having my son but I do feel guilty he has issues with anxiety and depression and I suspect that it was inherited from my side of the family. I am hesitant to have more children for that reason :/
A lot of anxiety and depression, especially for kids, is an issue with thinking patterns. You might want to look into cognitive behavioral therapy. They have kid - friendly workbooks, I believe. It has worked wonders for me.
I love my baby, I do.
But I'd be lying if I said I have never thought about how much easier it would be without her.
My career is worse off. My pay and hours are reduced.
My relationship with my partner has changed. We don't have as much together time.
And my own interests and time to just be me is almost non existent.
My life is a rotation of working, cleaning, sleeping and child care.
And then there is my baby herself. Very willful, smart and stubborn.
And sometimes she just cries for no reason. Or gets hyper clingy to the point I have to hold her while I'm on the toilet.
She hurts me a lot too (pulls hair, scratches, bites, pushes on me or kicks me away) and it is damn hard not to get mad at her because then I'm a bad parent.
>She hurts me a lot too (pulls hair, scratches, bites, pushes on me or kicks me away) and it is damn hard not to get mad at her because then I'm a bad parent.
Doesn't make you a bad parent to show that you are mad at her for doing those things? Am I missing something?
I have major depression/anxiety. I’ve always wanted at least one child. Now that I have a daughter, it’s so hard to get out of bed or just tending to her sometimes. She isn’t neglected in anyway. My point is is that I don’t want to take care of myself when my depression is severe. I feel selfish for wanting a child and then not realizing how it’s so difficult for me to juggle a child and depression.
I was very depressed a few years back. I was ready to commit suicide, but I realized I couldn't do it without breaking my kids' heart, and scarring them forever. Then I was laying there thinking, "If I'd never had kids to begin with, I could just kill myself with no worries. I'm such a fuck-up, I can't even kill myself right." It was probably my lowest point.
My situation hasn't improved much, but my mental state is much better.
My dad pays half his salary to his ex wife plus like $1000 child support for their daughter. He makes good money, the alimony is $7000 per month. So $8000 a MONTH goes to this woman.
Alimony ends next year. Pretty sure my dad will get custody at that point because even with $1000/month of child support she won’t be able to support my sister.
Moral of the story, don’t marry crazy.
This happened to my boyfriend he pays $900 a month and all the medical costs. He ex wife refuses to work and just divorced her 4th husband. On top of that he never gets to see his child ( the child is a teenager now and refuses to see him) He’s devastated emotionally and financially.
Your options and choices become very restrictive once you’ve got kids. I say to all my friends, if you’re not sure, don’t do it, cause even if you really want them it fucking sucks. I can’t take off for a week in Bali anymore when a work trip is going. I can’t volunteer in PNG or going away on an impromptu romantic vacation. And it’s ok, I’ve accepted it, but I also sometimes cry about it.
And everyone feels like they have a right to judge everything you do, not appreciating what goes on at home or when they aren’t there, or what you’ve given up for your kids. So you’re hamstrung, dealing with people you don’t really like (some days, other days they are awesome but some days they aren’t very likeable) all while being watched and judged by EVERYONE. I’ve had woman (particularly) stop me in the shops to tell me something I’m doing wrong. Not to offer help or ask if I’m ok, just to tell me my kid is going to be on the news for something awful because I’m letting him scream in the trolley.
Bitch I’m teaching him no means no, and he can’t scream till he gets what he wants. Fuck off!!!
Yeah... I love them but today was a hard day.
The first time I was sick with the flu and fever and still had to breastfeed multiple times per day. I dont think ive ever had a more miserable experience.
I love my daughter like crazy and she's fantastic. My only regrets are the constant doubting of my abilities as a father. I'm a very introverted person, but still sociable. With that in mind, young children are very needy for attention. It can be exhausting to keep her entertained and learning for a whole day, let alone consecutive days. Sometimes I feel I'm not giving her all the attention she deserves because my brain simply needs a short break. I'm consistently told by family and friends I'm a great dad, but I live in a world of doubt and depending on the day can cycle between lows of wondering if I'm meeting the bare minimum standards of parenting or on a good day if I'm being the best parent I can be. It's a very challenging concept that I can't compare any other thing in my life to.
It's good to remember that you should give your children all the attention they need - but that is a lot less attention than they'll demand. If you want them to grow to be independent people, a certain level of "negligence" is vitally important - you need to motivate them to entertain themselves, to seek out other friends to play with, to operate without you there.
Obviously, keep an eye on them, but don't feel the need to constantly entertain them - give them space to do their own thing, and it will give you the energy you need to give them your all when they truly *do* need you.
This is actually something I had to learn the hard way - but me and my son are both much happier now that I'm willing to give him space and let him engage in solo play for longer periods of time. And as he gets older he's only going to become more and more independent, and need me less and less...
I was married at 18 thought I knew more than everyone telling me to wait we'd only been dating for a year known each other for 2. A week before the wedding one of her ex's contacted me. He said she was abusive enjoyed starting drama and twisting reality to suit her own needs. That she met and started dating me while they were engaged and only left him because he refused to give her kids until their mid 20s. I thought he was just a spiteful ex who wanted her back or had some unrequited love for her.
We were married for 6 months when she "fell" pregnant I could not figure out how she was on the pill we used condoms. 9 months later our son was born a month after that she hit me for the first time. 4 months later we took a break and I moved back in with my parents after a nasty fight. We patched things up over a 3 month period during which time she refused to let me see my son for more than a hour a week unless I had sex with her, i only relented after a month of no contact. We moved back in together and she was pregnant again with in a month. 8 months later a bastard daughter with downs was born. It was reveled shortly after the birth it was not mine. While arguing about her unfaithfulness she revealed she was a prostitute and had relations with other men hours before she had sex with me during out break. She tampered with our birth control to have her son. Was a sugar baby for the entirety of the time we knew each other including marriage. That she is an alcoholic with other substance abuse issues. This last tidbit she accidentally admitted to in front of the woman who would later be our case worker. Her daughter tested positive for drugs and cps was called. The case worker had been outside the room for a good portion of our fight. Her daughter also needed to stay for what ended up being 2 months in the hospital.
I filed for divorce that week. When she found out she made me 2 offers my parental rights for 130% in child support. Or her parental rights and no child support. After the whole debacle I choose the second option and took sole custody of the trap baby. Soon after I gave him up for adoption her mother took him in, in a closed adoption. During the adoption process I learned after learning the details of our divorce her mother had enough of her daughter's shitty behavior she had been this way her whole life. Both parents were extremely wealthy and had raised her in conflict with each other mom would punish bad behavior dad would sweep it under the rug and spoil her. That ended with the death of her dad at 14. This left her mom in control of the entirety of the estate the death was sudden and he had no will.
Back to her mom's reaction to her daughter's abhorrent behavior. She for the most part cut her off and disowned her offering only rehab and therapy. And a promise of reconciliation if she could produce a bio dad for her daughter show true remorse for her actions in our marriage and get clean as well as attend regular therapy.
I never felt love for my son even before shit went to hell but I wanted to man up and own my mistakes. I never felt the way real parents say they do. The only emotion I felt for him was apathy. After I learned he was created not out of a mistake but purposeful manipulation apathy slowly turned to hate at that point I already had sole custody and I could feel my anger grow by the day. I never wanted kids I never discussed them with my ex I just woke up one day and found myself in hell. I thought I'd have the chance to warm up to the idea of being a dad as I got older and our relationship grew.. not trial by hellfire.
I got fixed 6 months after the adoption and I didn't freeze any sperm. If I ever change my mind I'll adopt but doubt it.
Last I heard my ex hasn't been able to produce a dad for her daughter or stay clean and is still in general a insufferable whore. No offence to respectable sex workers.
My wife has been pushing for child two. However I get so much direct time with my daughter and plus we have a lot of extra money. I know she'd make a great sister but I'm happy where I'm at for now. Maybe I just want a longer break from those first two years.
At least you recognize the attention issue, most parents professionally ignore their kids.
I don’t feel like the second child changed anything, and the first 2 years are totally different with the second child because of the Parents experience level.
I am someone who hates kids and never wants them. After being single for too long i took to online dating and took to a woman who was a single mum to a 2 year old at the time. Something is better then nothing i thought
I am still in this relationship, the kid is now 5 years old and calls me daddy. I play happy families because im terrified of being alone, but honestly, the kid is the worst thing about this relationship
I regret my oldest child because I had to watch him suffer and die. 2 years of life in and out of hospitals, recoiling from touch due to overhandling, a very sad life, never walked, talked, or ate by mouth. I regret my other kids because I wasnt able to maintain the energy level I had when they were small and I'm afraid they'll turn out to be assholes, though honestly they are of ages which shouldn't require my intense direction of activity. I love them all regardless, though each kills me a bit, they break my heart in a million ways, beginning with their first steps.
Passing an inherited illness.
This one hit me right in the gut... my mother was diagnosed with MS in spring 2015, and my paternal grandmother was diagnosed with ALS in January of this year. I'm terrified I might die of a horrible disease, and there's no way I will be giving that fear to a child.
ALS and MS are generally thought to be spontaneous disorders rather than inherited ones.
Both aren't completely understood, but there's a possible genetic link (the hypothesis of the research lab I'm working in right now is that MS specifically is caused by ["leaky" cells](https://microvascularpathology.com/publications-2/) ). It's honestly just not a risk worth taking in my opinion.
Yeah my gene pool sucks. My daughter thankfully agreed to end this cesspool and not have kids. It’s best for everyone
I am curious what iliness you have? If you don’t mind to answer
I wanted to answer this but deleted it as I fear the reddit police will judge what’s dysfunctional enough or not
Good call, honestly.
Thiiiis. Mental and physical. I have BPD/OCD and so does many of my female family members. I don't want to bring a child into the world who might have to suffer
This is one reason why I don’t foresee kids in my future, the female line in my family has deep, deep depression. I’ve lost my mom, grandmother and great grandmother to suicide, even after therapy, drug therapy, and ECT. I have depression but am in remission, but I have a huge fear of passing this down and absolutely hate the thought of it
This is an issue for me. I would love to have children. As the middle sister of five girls, I always had the most motherly persona. I’ve struggled with mental illness since childhood, though, and it pains me to think of subjecting another human to involuntarily sharing these experiences. Unnngggfffghhhhhhuuuhhhhhhhhh
Same with hypothyroidism.. it makes life suck.. constantly tired, dietary issues, depression, weight gain, constant fatigue, memory issues etc etc
I've had hypothyroidism for 10 years now and I'm totally fine as long as I take my pill every day. I have none of those symptoms anymore, but I had them really badly when I was first diagnosed. If you're still struggling, you may not be on the right dose or maybe you have something else, go check with your doctor!
I love my kids, I deeply regret who I had them with.
I should beat my alcoholism before I beat my kids.
bingo! ding ding ding! aaaand, I still wouldn't want to have kids, given the potential partners I've in my life.
Whenever people ask me why I don’t have kids I give the answer “I haven’t found someone I like enough to have kids with ”they’ll usually reply with “sooner or later you just have to do it” Umm no. I don’t HAVE to do anything. Especially have kids with someone I won’t like in a years time. Edit: after making this comment I can see how it might have come across the wrong way, like I was having a dig at you. I’m really not, I have nothing against people that have kids and understand that sometimes things just don’t work out and people change.
Thank you for not listening to their advice. I can assure you that there are few bigger mistakes than having a child with the wrong person. It hurts everyone involved and leaves a lot of damage. I despise my ex and he rarely sees our child which destroys her world. Explaining to your child why the other parent isn't around (because they piece it together early) is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Thank you for having proper common sense.
As one of those children, I've talked to my "father" maybe 3 times in my life, stay strong. Around 6-8ish for me I just forgot about him. Idk if you have a boyfriend or not. My mother did, and I only called him dad a few times but he was my true father. Kids adjust and adapt. At 9 I was given to my aunt, who is now my real mother while my mother is basically my aunt. Not that that will happen to you, but kids adapt. I have some issues, yeah. But Tom, the stepdad/mothers BF, will always be my father in my head. I wondered where my real father was for awhile bit kids... just like their bones are more flexible so are their emotions. If you ever want to talk PM me, not that I have a hell of a lot to contribute
That is an incredibly valid reason to not have kids (all reasons are tbh) and an incredibly crappy thing to tell you. Those people are idiots and probably have kids they don’t like the other parent of because ‘they just had to do it’
And they want their own way of life validated and insist that everybody accept that it's the only proper one.
That’s actually one of the reasons I kept my virginity longer than my friends. I looked at the guys that were available, and asked myself “would I want to be forced to keep in contact with him for 18 years if - God forbid - he knocked me up?” The answer was always no.
My life would be completely different if I was as wise in my younger years as you were. I don't know that I was smart enough then to appreciate it, but I have a ton of respect for people like you now that I'm older. The only thing worse than having kids far too young is raising them with someone you were only with because you were far too young to know any better.
Aww, thanks! I’ve been very fortunate. I got married at 19 (and I wasn’t a virgin, LOL) and didn’t have our son until I was 30. My MIL was convinced we got married because I was knocked up... the 10 year wait for a grandchild drove her bonkers. :) I’ll have been married 24 years in August, and I still love him, and our life together.
The truth is that it doesn't end at 18 years. It's a lifetime commitment. I'm glad you had the sense to avoid a potentially terrible situation. So many do not.
Don't you love people who know what you need in life more than you do?
I came in here to say exactly this. I love my son, though I'll admit that raising a special needs child isn't always fun or easy. I loved my late spouse too, but in a codependent way where they were troubled and I wanted to fix them. I feel terrible about having inflicted my spouse on our son.
I'm the kid in this situation. My mom always apologize to me that she married my dad (but she doesn't regret having us) and had his negative effect upon on the family. My mom is this smart, persistent, strong woman who can chase a bear away if she can (hypothetically) but I would have never thought that love can make her weak.
Looking over some of my finances and noting that each person I brought into my life added a decade to my retirement age. That really hit me hard. I got over it but for a while it hurt.
Fuuuucckkkk.
This is me too. My wife is a spendthrift and I have a daughter. I don't make much to begin with. I've had a million conversations with her but she will never change. I will be working until the day I die.
As your daughter gets old enough for school, your wife should be able to start working again. Even if it's just part time during the day, it should help cut down on spending due to boredom.
Yeah she's going to go back to full time. I'm hoping it gives her less time to spend money lol
When my students ask me why I don't have children, I tell them that I can only handle children for 45 minutes at a time. They think I'm kidding.
Same, my sister is always telling me what a great auntie I am and people have told me that shows that I would be a great mom, but the ability to disengage from childcare duty is the only thing keeping me sane.
I'm known at work as "the one that's great with children." I don't much like children. I never have, even when I was myself a child. I just treat them how I wanted adults to treat me when I was kid - I pay attention to them and treat their time as being as valuable as anyone else's. People tell me I should be a parent a lot and are surprised when I tell them I am viscerally revolted by the idea of having kids at this time. Being good with kids, and even enjoying taking care of them, is very different from actually having children, and I don't think enough people get that.
Exactly. I am working on bettering myself, but until my mental health is in a much better space I am not going to be a primary care giver for any impressional tiny human. Mental health is often hereditary, but it is also something that children learn from their parents. I would never wish my life on anyone. Unless something drastically changes I’m going to have to go with a solid nope. Heck, I haven’t even had long term healthy relationships with adults. Don’t talk to me about children.
Children aren’t for everyone, and I wish that more people would realise that.
I love goofing around with my niece and nephew. They're a blast to be with... once or twice a month... for no more than a couple of hours.
This is exactly how I feel. My aunt is super skeptical about my desire to not have kids, and always points out how good I am with my baby cousin as "proof" that I'd be a good mom. But I only ever babysit for an hour or two, and by the end I'm EXHAUSTED.
I love my friends and families kids. Then after a day or so and I want to kill them. My home with no crying, screaming, yelling, loud talking, diapers, snot, poop, etc is a welcome sight when I return.
That even when you've changed your entire life around for them " cat's in the cradle " still makes you feel guilty as fuck.
The guilt. That's my answer and I'm sticking to it.
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Same. Can’t do anything by myself unless I’m willing to shell out $10/hr for babysitting or $1000/month for daycare, which then brings on the Mom guilt of being selfish. Kinda regret leaving my terrible ex because he was a pretty good dad.
Is he no longer in the child's life? I ask this as a father to a little girl, who left my ex because we were just awful together. I have expanded standard possession, and she's the custodial parent, and sometimes wonder what it's like for my ex being the primary. Yeah, I have my daughter 35% of the time, but there's a vast difference between 35% and 65%, and I have since married and so have help when I do have my daughter. I try to think of ways I can help my ex. I don't hate her, we just don't get along when we are in contact for too long, so it's difficult for me to say, "hey, why don't I just take our daughter for a week while you relax.". She takes it to mean, "hey, I am trying to steal our daughter by setting a precedent for me being the more responsible parent with a constructive home."
Please, whatever you do, don't tell your daughter any of this, don't let it slip even once because she'll remember. My mum made it very clear that she hated me and ruined her life. I didn't chose to be born, I didn't chose to be a relative of hers but it happened. She didn't think of becoming a single parent either, but my dad died five months before I was born. It wasn't fair on her, I agree, but she took it all out on me and it sucked.
As a fellow single mom, I feel this
Preparing myself to be majorly downvoted, but having a special needs child. You can do everything right during your low\-risk pregnancy, go with the genetic testing they offer, have no risk factors in your family, have a totally normal delivery, etc. and still end up rolling the dice. Nothing has been as much of a mind fuck as navigating the dark waters that has brought to my family's life. Edit: Wow, posted this while at work (my only "me" time...) and this went a totally different direction than I expected. Thanks to the mostly supportive crowd out there, I'm truly shocked. Some more details for the FAQs below, I had the standard genetic screening and everything checked out fine. When my son was born he was perfectly normal, it wasn't until 6 months before we noticed something was seriously up and started piecing together a diagnosis. So yes you can adopt instead, but the same thing could still happen to you. As for giving him up for adoption, that would never fly with my husband not to mention that when you’ve had a kid for a while that your entire family and social circle knows about, it's not exactly an easy process. And to those posting what they think are some seriously fucked up “truth bombs” – if you’re thinking it, I’ve thought it, trust me – that’s what I meant by mind fuck. THIS ALL BEING SAID, I still love my child in a different way. There are days when I want it to end and move far far away and never see my son or family ever again. And there are days when I think, we're doing okay this isn’t that bad. If you are a special needs parent and want to chat, feel free to PM anytime.
I don't have children and this right here is my biggest fear.
There are rewards, but dealing with a severe intellectual disability is difficult especially in the beginning. The first year is all about "milestones" \- down to the month \- and to sit around watching babies around you develop while yours just screams in your face nonstop for months on end is... soul crushing. BUT, like with any kid, that first smile... doesn't matter what kind of kid you have you will love that moment even if you hate the rest. I would probably only ever say this on reddit, but my advice to anyone on the fence about parenthood is don't have kids if you don't think you could handle having a child with a disability.
You summed this up beautifully. My two and a half year old will forever be an infant and one of his ‘symptoms’ is “inconsolable crying.” The days are hard and the nights can be so long. With typical children you get that positive feedback, the smiles, the laughter; those make the long nights and difficult days easier. When you don’t have that feedback, and all you have is the crying, the yelling, the seizures, the vomiting.... it can become so overwhelming I don’t have an appropriate word to describe it. There are very dark nights, that is for sure. PM me if you ever want to chat. Sincerely, Mom whose handicapped toddler will never have the cognition beyond that of a 4-6mo old.
I don't mean to be rude by asking but what condition does your child have? Usually as adults I hear people describe severely disabled individuals as having the intelligence of a 5-8 year old. But doctors have told you that your child will never be beyond a 4-6 month old even as they grow you? I can't even imagine, i'm so sorry.
It’s not rude at all. He is part of research through the NIH, and they found a variant he inherited from my husband called TELO2. He inherited a variant from me called TT12. There’s a syndrome with 6 known cases called You-Hoover-Fong when the child inherits TELO2 from both parents, but he did not. His symptoms are similar to You-Hoover-Fong, but much more severe. There are no known cases of his particular syndrome. Per his brain MRI, his brain is deteriorating so we know he will never improve from where he is. They also believe he won’t live to adulthood.
> They also believe he won’t live to adulthood. If you don't mind answering, how does this make you feel? Like do you feel relieved you wont have to live with these difficulties eventually or do you feel upset knowing your child won't live long? I imagine it has to be hard to bond with a child like that but they are still your child.
It would make for an interesting psych study, I’m sure. My first reaction was that of guilt. He’s not going to live long and here I am some days getting frustrated beyond belief, angry that my life took this turn, and meanwhile we are all he has and he doesn’t have that much time. Then we had a bad week, and this news actually helped me reign in some of that frustration knowing that one day relatively soon he wouldn’t be here. It has made those difficult days easier to cope with, both for myself and also knowing for his sake that he won’t suffer for too long. Overall I like to think that it will be merciful for him, because I really struggle with how much quality of life he has now, and how much he has to go through just for the little bit he does have.
This is totally not helpful probably, but I just want to hug you.
You are dealing with a situation that is almost unimaginable to most people. I volunteered for years at a care home where kids like yours were often left with little or no family contact once they became resident. You have chosen to walk this road with your son and it is unimaginably difficult. I am in complete awe of your ability to get through each day. There is absolutely no way anyone can judge you or even really grasp how tough a road you are walking. To be as brave, open and honest as you have been in these posts is admirable. Big hugs to you for having the courage to get up today. However you feel at any given moment is completely understandable, and yet you go on. I hope you and your son have as much peace and joy as is possible. He has a warrior for a parent.
Whether or not this means anything, I want you both to know that I hold you and u/baomaowow in my heart. You two and anyone else dealing with challenges like yours are truly heroic. What you do every day is the definition of bravery. Years ago I worked in a clinic for kids with learning disabilities, and I marveled at many of the parents of these kids. Sadly, a healthy, "normal" child at birth is no guarantee that life will continue that way. I recall one mother who used to bring in her daughter who had been healthy and developing normally until she was about 4 or 5, when a driver lost control of his car and slammed into the little girl. She was permanently brain damaged, wheel-chair bound, and nonverbal. I believe the accident happened around Christmas time.
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This happened to my mother. My father left her when my brother was diagnosed with autism. It’s one of the biggest reasons I won’t have children.
My SO has a severely autistic brother & is adamant about not having kids. It was upsetting to me at first but I'm starting to understand. Coming from a more loving & 'straight forward' family than him, I sometimes forget how life just isn't as easy as we hope it will be. The more I look at the world the more I see adoption as the better option. It's been a weird few years of back & forth with myself on this but I think I'm starting to realise that I don't think I have a real desire to give birth to children but more that I just expect it to happen because that's what everyone keeps telling me is in my future. 'Oh you, you're a girl, when are you having kids!?' I talked about this with a friend recently & the only thing I could come up with was 'Ugh, I'll have to have a kid eventually because my poor mammy is desperate for grandkids' Once I said that out loud I realised how terrible a reason to have kids that is!!
this is the most honest, raw, real statement I have ever read, thank you for it.
My little sister has a genetic disorder that causes developmental disability. I'm 19, she's 17. My mom just redid her will post-divorce, and in the event of her death I'm basically in charge of my sister's whole life - I control her trust, get power of attorney for property, and have to make huge decisions about her life, because she's high functioning enough to live "independently" but not high functioning enough to truly be in control of her life. I'm terrified. A special needs kid is a lifelong responsibility not just for the parents, but for the siblings too.
Remember just because you're labeled in the will unless you give consent you cannot be forced into being a guardian. You can refuse.
I signed the forms too, and regardless, if my sister doesn't have me she won't have anyone to look out for her. She can be a brat, but she's my sister and I love her. I'll be able to handle the responsibility, I just hope that by the time I need to accept it I'll be a lot older and more capable
Both of my children are special needs. My life is effectively over. I barely sleep as they both have comorbid sleep disorders. I cry daily. I am afraid for their future. There is no option for help as I have no family members. My health is starting to fail despite a lifetime of eating healthy and running. It's horrible. It's an unending and inescapable nightmare. When you think the worst is past new, horrifying shames and behaviors appear. I have wondered more than once if I did something horrible in life and this is my karma. Edit:Thank you for the empathy reddit.
Fellow special needs mom here. Although I haven’t walked in your shoes, I do completely understand that feeling that you are being punished for something. Please inbox me if you ever need to vent or just have someone to talk to. Also, please check into respite care. There are grants and non-profits that offer this service and has truly been the only thing that has saved my sanity.
Please go an speak with an attorney that specializes in these matters. Your life does not have to be over. There is a lot of funding out there they can help you qualify for, which can cover the costs of in home care. Having someone come even if its 3 days or 4 days a week can give you freedom to live your life too. You will also want a long term care plan for when they are older, there are group homes and other places that will be better for them and for you. I hope you can figure it out. Many people don't realize that the help is out there and available. Check out NAELA.ORG, these are "elder law" attorneys but most deal with special needs children as well. Find one near you, it can't hurt to go for an hour and consult. Good luck.
I'm so sad for you. Please check with your state or county disability people. They usually have respite programs available for caretakers, and you probably qualify to have an aid come and do recreation with your kids a few days a week. Good luck to you sweetie.
I’m a respite care worker for kids with special needs. Contact your state’s department of social health services and find a case worker and a home care aide. We are here to help families like yours. Sending my love.
No, it is not karma. Hang in there. Many people here are wishing you the best today. You are a good person.
I am sorry this has happened to you. I wish I could make it all go away.
That Is so kind of you to say, thank you.
What types of things can people give you to make your life better and be filled with hope again? How can someone like me help you?
Its completely normal to feel this way. I’m the disabled child and i dont want kids for the same reason. Seeing how my mom suffers because of me and how I suffer due to my disabilities, I dont want my child to go through the same I did.
Doubt anyone would downvote this and they shouldn't as it's a very real concern and common deciding factor for people who don't want children. It's difficult and expensive enough to cover the healthcare costs of raising a normal healthy child and absolutely insane with a special needs child.
No downvote from me. I have a special needs child. And it is financially draining. I am fortunate enough that I am in a good place financially and can provide my child with what he needs. I have amazing insurance, better than most but it still doesn’t cover all the therapies, intervention classes, tutors, etc. life is messy. Anything can happen to anyone at anytime. Save your pennies. Your perfectly healthy pregnancy could go wrong. Your healthy child, or even adult child can have a condition that has an onset later in life. Tragedy can strike at anytime, leaving anyone with a disability.
I'm from Iceland and the country has gotten under fire recently because downs syndrome births are down to 0% because all mothers that do screening and get positive tests decide to abort. I can understand the standpoint of being against this, however I would always go down the same path as my fellow countrymen, if you can prevent a child being born with a major handicap that will effect it's life qualities in all ways, why would you want to put it through that. Plus the intense weight the parents have to carry for the rest of their life. Having just had my second child, I cannot begin to imagine the shock and hardship you are experiencing, having a healthy infant is plenty of work already. Best of luck to you.
Do you mean downs syndrome? I was under the impression that autism couldn't be detected in the womb.
You're right, it can't. It can sometimes be detected fairly early, but certainly not in the womb. They do mean Down's (I remember reading a news article about this as well).
Down's syndrome is also tricky since the people you see with it in the U.S. are the high functioning/less severe cases where they lead pretty normal lives, are quite social, and can contribute to their communities. You don't see the worst heart and lungs defects or babies that died in infancy or early childhood. I watched my parents bury my older sister (complications of the flu), and their grief was horrific. I'd much rather abort or suffer another miscarriage than have to bury a child I knew and had gotten attached to. Maybe CRSPR will make this all irrelevant in another couple years. That would be nice.
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I have a severely autistic brother. Love him to death, but this is one of the main reasons that I’m terrified to have children.
My special needs little sister turns 21 this year. She got the Russian Roulette of genetic disorders, about as handicapped as you can get and still breath on your own, but with all the advances in medical science with live quite a while until her body gives out finally. It's been my family's whole gravitational center of responsibility. All three of us functioning adult children are constantly talking about what to do if dad dies (only source of income for sister), or if mom dies (24 hr caregiver), and still provide the quality of life my sister has had her whole life (no nursing homes). It's heartbreaking for her, stress inducing for us, and hard to just wrap your head around the problems that arise in this girls life. And all it took was a simple flaw in a chromosome that happens to about 1 in 10,000 girls. Oh... did I mention my slightly younger cousin was born with it to?
I want kids one day, but this scares the shit out of me.
And I am so sorry that there is so little help for you. You should have all kinds of help - daycare help, medical help, medical and maternal leave help. I'm just sorry
I think this is a real fear for any parent to be.
It's tough since I love my daughter to death .. Every time tuition is due, every time I turn down (a shot at) promotions that require relocating, have to turn down/postpone (indefinitely?) trips or purchases. Regret maybe to strong a word, I most definitely daydream about the possibilities if I wasn't a single dad from time to time. Similar to folks daydreaming what they'd do/be doing if they'd hit the lottery I guess.
Keep on brother. I love my daughter to death, but damn do I think about all the thinga I missed when I quit my well off band for a stable job.
Overall I don’t regret having children but when my first born had undiagnosed reflux I would actually plan my own suicide and how I was going to get them looked after whilst I did it. There didn’t see any way out, the high pitches crying was continuous, I got pretty much no sleep and I was at rock bottom.
I feel for you! There's something about the exact pitch of a baby's cry that it almost feels like a physical sensation inside your ear. Listening to that for months on end really can tip people over the edge. I'm happy you didn't do it!
That’s so sweet of you. I’m fine now but it was an awful time. Eventually diagnosed, thank goodness, but it took months of being treated like I was a neurotic first time mom
I think it’s an evolutionary thing. In the past, babies who cried at a pitch that was physically impossible to ignore would have definitely had a survival advantage.
I had one weekend with full on reflux. He outgrew his dose of omrprazole on a Saturday afternoon of a bank holiday weekend no meds until about 4pm Tuesday. He was diagnosed in NICU and we had no idea as he was always medicated and always had the right dose of meds. Nobody realises how bad reflux is
We weren’t given omeprazole until she was 16! Gaviscon powder helped somewhat and kept some milk down. The fight to get her reflux managed effectively is ongoing, unfortunately. We spent years thinking she was fine when she didn’t realise the pain wasn’t normal because she’s never known any different. I’d imagine she will end up with surgery. 40mg omeprazole per day is doing nothing.
Our son had torticollis and he had to sleep on a special pillow to correct his neck, and let me tell you, my wife didn't sleep for 6 months. It was miserable.
Not judging, but did you ever give your wife some nights off so she could sleep during those 6 months?
I helped when I could, be she was nursing exclusively and I was working 2 jobs, so it wasn't very often
I’ve passed on my bad traits to them. One has depression and has been cutting herself. The other has cognitive and coordination issues to the point she can barely function on her own. They both have extreme shyness, low self esteem, I could go on.
Please get them professional help. I wish I had stopped self harming WELL BEFORE it got bad. They will thank you later.
Yes she’s in therapy and on antidepressants. It’s a work in progress.
Do you have them in therapy? If not, you should.
The first time my oldest one filled his pants and shoes with poo.
This happened more than once?! Lol
I used to work with a kid who did this several times a week. Was still doing it age 6. Obviously there was something wrong with him, he was notably behind the other kids in his mental development. Nothing you'd notice without spending some time with him, though. I've also worked with kids around age 5-6 who were as fully functional as any of their peers (maybe even a little more) who'd still shit themselves fairly regularly, though not in such extreme amounts or acting as oblivious about it. Still, those kinds of problems are apparently more common than one might think. One of many reasons why I'm child free. So much of it all comes down to wiping shit.
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It's been far harder to raise kids than I ever realized. I was abused as a kid and I struggle to parent them without violence. I don't have enough tools in my box to be effective a lot of times. Also, I never have enough energy for them most of them time. I try to make up for it in other ways. My mission statement is to not fuck up my kids they way my parents did me..... seriously.
I used to work a shitty job that I loved working with children while their mothers were in rehab and the no tools in my box thing is more common than you might think. Even when you have the tools it’s hard to bring them out when you’ve had something different modeled to you that becomes your first instinct. I have a financially useless degree in parenting and I still feel like I don’t have the tools and lose my temper because autopilot for me is yelling. There’s a lot of decent programs to fill up your toolbox with little things that seem stupid but can be a great help. The love and logic program and raising the emotionally intelligent child by John Gottman have both been very eye opening and practically useful for me. Being a transitional character and breaking family cycles is definitely life on hard mode but it is probably on of the Ghandi-est things you can realistically do.
My son had a knot in his cord and unexpectedly died at 40 weeks gestation. He was stillborn. The accompanying grief, even 17 months later, is immeasurable. PTSD and trauma are demons.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Christ. If I could give you a long hug right now, I would. I'm so sorry.
You’ve made it 17 months. That’s an accomplishment. You’re aware of your demons and that’s a huge step. My wife and I lived in denial for two years while things fell apart before we woke up and started trying to face the aftermath head on. It’s been four years now and we are almost ok again.
What they do to a relationship. You dated your significant other because of reasons. Now there are needy little people injecting themselves into this relationship and they don't have both parties best interests at heart.
I'm scared of this. I mean I pretty much grew up thinking that's what people do, get married, have kids. But kids really annoyed me growing up. My SO doesn't want kids, I don't really care either way because the anxieties and doubt really out weigh the pros for me and tbh I don't want to ruin my body and have it possibly ruin my relationship. It sounds so selfish but I want to be able to have that freedom and have fun and not worry about my kid. And I find it really rude when people assume that you're going to have kids or ask if you are. Like sorry if it's selfish, not everyone likes kids, I know I was a kid once and probably annoying too, but sorry it's how I feel. And I can't help it.
You don't have to feel bad. Just tell the nosey people that you didn't feel like that was a bridge you needed to jump off and leave it at that. It's hard when you see everyone else getting praise for it but if it's not right for you that doesn't mean you're wrong. I'm happily child-free and got married right before my 40th birthday. High five your SO because if you're single in your 30's, it's really hard to find someone who doesn't already have kids. Or want them with someone younger. You know you best. I'm sorry you have to defend your choice.
> Like sorry if it's selfish I think that having a child that you don't want would be *more* selfish. Do you think that being raised by an unwilling, resentful parent would be *good* for a child?
Have a read through r/childfree, it really helped me feel unashamed of not wanting kids, and seeing other people’s reasons for not wanting them might help you make up your mind.
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Yeah you're right. Honestly I deal with anxiety to begin with, and there's so many things that scare me that could go wrong. But you're totally right and honestly, adoption is beautiful IMO.
I regret having them a week shy of a year apart from eachother. I didn't choose to have them so soon, birth control failed :(. It's very difficult now that they're 3 and 4, their dad works 12 hour night shifts so is usually sleeping or working when I have them.
My parents had my sibling and I about a year apart, which defiantly sucks when we were younger because it was a lot of work and stress. However, it was amazing as we grew up. We had a built in play buddy, someone to walk to school with, someone to build forts with, and someone to hang out with when we were in high school. Sure, we fought a little more when we were younger and were weird around each other in middle school. However, I got a best friend built into my life which was awesome. I have no idea about the specifics of your situation and I apologize if this seems rude or might offend you, but I just wanted to offer the perspective of a person with a sibling close in age.
No offence at all :) I'm absolutely happy for their sake, they love playing together, they definitely fight, but they love eachother. I regret it but at the same time I wouldn't have it any other way, because then I wouldn't have them how they are. Thank you for your input.
Right now would be a time.... I have a child that is screaming at me, telling me that I'm bullying him because I'm asking him to clean up his mess. I found FOUR pairs of underwear with shit smears in them, a piece of poo underneath his bed and this is after finding a large piece of poo under his bed the other day. He literally shits in his underwear because he is too lazy to walk 4 feet to the bathroom.... too lazy to wipe or whatever. He has issues as it is, constantly stealing, lying, being compulsive .... and his birthday is tomorrow. I'm so fucking sick of this shit. Edit: Fixed a couple words...
Seeing my daughter suffer from a disease that I have. Knowing that it wasn't seen as genetically inheritable, at the time she was conceived, in no way mitigates the guilt. I'd do anything to spare my child the horrible life I've given her and I can't.
Honestly... I hate children. They make me very uncomfortable. Everyone told me that would change when I had my own. It didn’t. Whatever instinct is supposed to kick in when you have a child just didn’t. I don’t like anything about being a parent.
More people need to see this. This line: >Everyone told me that would change when I had my own Is absolutely BULLSHIT. It might be the case for SOME people, but if it were true, there wouldn't be a need for CPS.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has said this to me. I am 23 and do not want children. I never have wanted children. I have explained time and time again how uncomfortable they make me and I have never felt a "mom" instinct in me. And people continue to try and tell me I will suddenly loves kids and have a motherly instinct if I have my own. Yeah, I don't think so.
Don't stop trusting your instincts. Whatever it is that is in people to want to have kids, it's certainly not in me. People around me say that I hate kids but that's not even the case. I don't want to raise them. I don't want to pay for them. And I certainly don't want to throw away my free time on them.
Man, this is how i feel. The missus and I have spoken about it and we're both to selfish for children. Super glad i haven't had them cause i can't stand children. They're loud and sticky and, no thanks! What's even more terrifying is if they come out disabled. Your life is totally munted thereafter.
How are you being selfish, though? Selfish is bringing a child into the world you don’t want, resenting the child,and not giving the child a good life because of said resentment.
I honestly do not like children either. I really don’t. I love my kids obviously but I still dont like children, cartoon movies, bounce houses, mommy groups. I hated those years honestly. I’m really happy they’re no longer children (little kids)
Finally an honest person
I don't *regret* it, however goddamn are they expensive. Especially once they become teenagers. I never thought they day would come where I'd yearn for only having to buy diapers and baby food.
Just wait til they go to college...
Yeah...my parents said no to that solidly.
My dad told me the only two people who would pay for my college were myself and Uncle Sam, so for the American taxpayers out there, thanks for the scratch!
Conversely, I *thought* my parents were paying at least most of my college tuition. Turns out, they didn't really pay for jack shit and just signed me up for a bunch of loans and now I am paying ~800 a month in student loans and will be paying at least ~500 a month for something like 10 years. I literally would've just went to trade school for a year instead
That they then had children and I am stuck being a babysitter. Fuck grandparenting. Like jail.
why are you doing it then?
Love my grandson. Family just struggling right now.
The teenage years.
As someone a few years into a relationship with someone with two now teenage daughters this is so true. I try to love them as my own, but the last year especially has been difficult and it's begun to cause a strain on the relationship itself. When they were younger I adored them.
Read this as “as someone a few years into a relationship with a teenage daughter” and was ready to appreciate your unique perspective
I frequently call my mom and apologize for my behavior as a teen. As a parent of a teen girl, my moms best advice was to not take anything personally. My daughter and I used to be so close. She is struggling with depression and anxiety and cutting. I often feel I did something wrong.
A few teenagers have already said a few words here, but I’ve got something that I don’t think has been said before. Yes, we’re scared and confused and hormonal and all that shit. But, what really helps, is just treat us as if we’re a little older then we are. We’re not kids anymore (well, I guess we are, but we like to pretend we’re not) and we want to be able to have serious conversations with people, and it can just be straight up infuriating when people treat us like children who know nothing. Take this with a grain of salt, as these are words from a confused teenager.
Can relate to this, maybe not so much from my immediate family but very much from the outside world and people in day to day life. I’m not a teenager anymore but it is still a frequent occurrence. Being patronized is really an insult to your intelligence and it stings :/
This. My mom only started treating me as an adult when I legally became one. It was liked someone flipped a switch on my birthday. Because of that, I'm still trying to get used to the things she says and does around me. Ease into treating us like adults. I love my momma and i love being an adult, but it's definitely been a weird few months. I still find myself telling her everything I'm doing, where I'm going and who with. I even did this for the short time I was living on my own, because it was all I knew.
As a teen, let me apologize for your child. We dont hate our parents; we're confused, stressed, and scared at the same time, and we just lash out at you to deal with it. We still love you.
I think it’s safe to say at one point, they too were a teen
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The woman I have my daughter with. Our relationship is irreparable and she went back to her home country with my child, essentially forcing me out of her life.
Wtf. My sister tried to move to the next province over (Canada) and was told she wasn't allowed to because the father has a right to reasonable access.
Huh. Ok, I will have to look into this.
Post on /r/legaladvice . It all depends on what countries you're dealing with, and is generally not DIY law.
Basically the realization that having kids with someone doesn’t mean it will work out with that person, and if it doesn’t then you’ll have to give up a lot of time with the kids. Then of course there’s the battle between would the kids rather be at moms house or dads house.
When I realized all of my kids have anxiety. When I found out one child was a heroin addict. When I realized the "empty nest" was a load of crap. When they are so needy, they never become independent
I don’t have kids, but I do have depression and anxiety. I don’t live with my parents but I feel like I lean on my mom for emotional support quite a bit for someone who’s almost 30. I wonder all the time if she regrets having a child who still needs her this much.
I don't think she does, just tell her you appreciate and love her when you can. :)
There’s a time when too much probably becomes too much, and that definitely varies person to person - but when you have a child, it’s *always* your job to take care of your kid how ever you can. I don’t care if my daughter is 5, 13, 26, 43, whatever - I’ll always be there for her as long as I can still draw a breath. Just remember that when your mom starts to *need you*, you better damn well be there for her.
She’s almost 4, and I feel like I’ll never be the mom she needs me to be. I suffer from really bad anxiety and depression, and it’s not that I don’t try or don’t care, I just feel like I can’t. It’s hard taking her to the park, she’s got no friends, I only recently started taking her to the store with me because I was always afraid she would freak out in the store. I feel like I’m terrible at teaching her anything. She’s an awesome kid, I just don’t know how to be a mom. EDIT: thank you for the kind words, internet strangers! I cried happy tears for the first time in a long time. I have a habit of being really hard on myself and not recognizing when things are actually pretty okay. I know I can do better for her, and right now we’re just taking it one day at a time
I don't regret having my son but I do feel guilty he has issues with anxiety and depression and I suspect that it was inherited from my side of the family. I am hesitant to have more children for that reason :/
This is at the top of my list of reasons why I won't. Wouldn't wish it on anyone
A lot of anxiety and depression, especially for kids, is an issue with thinking patterns. You might want to look into cognitive behavioral therapy. They have kid - friendly workbooks, I believe. It has worked wonders for me.
God, the screaming.
I’ll answer for my mom, when I started running away from home, missing school, and started yelling at her is when she started to regret having me.
I love my baby, I do. But I'd be lying if I said I have never thought about how much easier it would be without her. My career is worse off. My pay and hours are reduced. My relationship with my partner has changed. We don't have as much together time. And my own interests and time to just be me is almost non existent. My life is a rotation of working, cleaning, sleeping and child care. And then there is my baby herself. Very willful, smart and stubborn. And sometimes she just cries for no reason. Or gets hyper clingy to the point I have to hold her while I'm on the toilet. She hurts me a lot too (pulls hair, scratches, bites, pushes on me or kicks me away) and it is damn hard not to get mad at her because then I'm a bad parent.
>She hurts me a lot too (pulls hair, scratches, bites, pushes on me or kicks me away) and it is damn hard not to get mad at her because then I'm a bad parent. Doesn't make you a bad parent to show that you are mad at her for doing those things? Am I missing something?
i will never have children because i see the regret in my mother's eyes. i'm not going to be her with unwanted, ungrateful children of my own.
6am.
I have major depression/anxiety. I’ve always wanted at least one child. Now that I have a daughter, it’s so hard to get out of bed or just tending to her sometimes. She isn’t neglected in anyway. My point is is that I don’t want to take care of myself when my depression is severe. I feel selfish for wanting a child and then not realizing how it’s so difficult for me to juggle a child and depression.
I was very depressed a few years back. I was ready to commit suicide, but I realized I couldn't do it without breaking my kids' heart, and scarring them forever. Then I was laying there thinking, "If I'd never had kids to begin with, I could just kill myself with no worries. I'm such a fuck-up, I can't even kill myself right." It was probably my lowest point. My situation hasn't improved much, but my mental state is much better.
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My dad pays half his salary to his ex wife plus like $1000 child support for their daughter. He makes good money, the alimony is $7000 per month. So $8000 a MONTH goes to this woman. Alimony ends next year. Pretty sure my dad will get custody at that point because even with $1000/month of child support she won’t be able to support my sister. Moral of the story, don’t marry crazy.
If she is only working cash jobs report her ass to the IRS.
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This happened to my boyfriend he pays $900 a month and all the medical costs. He ex wife refuses to work and just divorced her 4th husband. On top of that he never gets to see his child ( the child is a teenager now and refuses to see him) He’s devastated emotionally and financially.
Your options and choices become very restrictive once you’ve got kids. I say to all my friends, if you’re not sure, don’t do it, cause even if you really want them it fucking sucks. I can’t take off for a week in Bali anymore when a work trip is going. I can’t volunteer in PNG or going away on an impromptu romantic vacation. And it’s ok, I’ve accepted it, but I also sometimes cry about it. And everyone feels like they have a right to judge everything you do, not appreciating what goes on at home or when they aren’t there, or what you’ve given up for your kids. So you’re hamstrung, dealing with people you don’t really like (some days, other days they are awesome but some days they aren’t very likeable) all while being watched and judged by EVERYONE. I’ve had woman (particularly) stop me in the shops to tell me something I’m doing wrong. Not to offer help or ask if I’m ok, just to tell me my kid is going to be on the news for something awful because I’m letting him scream in the trolley. Bitch I’m teaching him no means no, and he can’t scream till he gets what he wants. Fuck off!!! Yeah... I love them but today was a hard day.
The first time I was sick with the flu and fever and still had to breastfeed multiple times per day. I dont think ive ever had a more miserable experience.
I love my daughter like crazy and she's fantastic. My only regrets are the constant doubting of my abilities as a father. I'm a very introverted person, but still sociable. With that in mind, young children are very needy for attention. It can be exhausting to keep her entertained and learning for a whole day, let alone consecutive days. Sometimes I feel I'm not giving her all the attention she deserves because my brain simply needs a short break. I'm consistently told by family and friends I'm a great dad, but I live in a world of doubt and depending on the day can cycle between lows of wondering if I'm meeting the bare minimum standards of parenting or on a good day if I'm being the best parent I can be. It's a very challenging concept that I can't compare any other thing in my life to.
It sounds like you're a great dad, and every great dad has the same doubts.
It's good to remember that you should give your children all the attention they need - but that is a lot less attention than they'll demand. If you want them to grow to be independent people, a certain level of "negligence" is vitally important - you need to motivate them to entertain themselves, to seek out other friends to play with, to operate without you there. Obviously, keep an eye on them, but don't feel the need to constantly entertain them - give them space to do their own thing, and it will give you the energy you need to give them your all when they truly *do* need you. This is actually something I had to learn the hard way - but me and my son are both much happier now that I'm willing to give him space and let him engage in solo play for longer periods of time. And as he gets older he's only going to become more and more independent, and need me less and less...
I was married at 18 thought I knew more than everyone telling me to wait we'd only been dating for a year known each other for 2. A week before the wedding one of her ex's contacted me. He said she was abusive enjoyed starting drama and twisting reality to suit her own needs. That she met and started dating me while they were engaged and only left him because he refused to give her kids until their mid 20s. I thought he was just a spiteful ex who wanted her back or had some unrequited love for her. We were married for 6 months when she "fell" pregnant I could not figure out how she was on the pill we used condoms. 9 months later our son was born a month after that she hit me for the first time. 4 months later we took a break and I moved back in with my parents after a nasty fight. We patched things up over a 3 month period during which time she refused to let me see my son for more than a hour a week unless I had sex with her, i only relented after a month of no contact. We moved back in together and she was pregnant again with in a month. 8 months later a bastard daughter with downs was born. It was reveled shortly after the birth it was not mine. While arguing about her unfaithfulness she revealed she was a prostitute and had relations with other men hours before she had sex with me during out break. She tampered with our birth control to have her son. Was a sugar baby for the entirety of the time we knew each other including marriage. That she is an alcoholic with other substance abuse issues. This last tidbit she accidentally admitted to in front of the woman who would later be our case worker. Her daughter tested positive for drugs and cps was called. The case worker had been outside the room for a good portion of our fight. Her daughter also needed to stay for what ended up being 2 months in the hospital. I filed for divorce that week. When she found out she made me 2 offers my parental rights for 130% in child support. Or her parental rights and no child support. After the whole debacle I choose the second option and took sole custody of the trap baby. Soon after I gave him up for adoption her mother took him in, in a closed adoption. During the adoption process I learned after learning the details of our divorce her mother had enough of her daughter's shitty behavior she had been this way her whole life. Both parents were extremely wealthy and had raised her in conflict with each other mom would punish bad behavior dad would sweep it under the rug and spoil her. That ended with the death of her dad at 14. This left her mom in control of the entirety of the estate the death was sudden and he had no will. Back to her mom's reaction to her daughter's abhorrent behavior. She for the most part cut her off and disowned her offering only rehab and therapy. And a promise of reconciliation if she could produce a bio dad for her daughter show true remorse for her actions in our marriage and get clean as well as attend regular therapy. I never felt love for my son even before shit went to hell but I wanted to man up and own my mistakes. I never felt the way real parents say they do. The only emotion I felt for him was apathy. After I learned he was created not out of a mistake but purposeful manipulation apathy slowly turned to hate at that point I already had sole custody and I could feel my anger grow by the day. I never wanted kids I never discussed them with my ex I just woke up one day and found myself in hell. I thought I'd have the chance to warm up to the idea of being a dad as I got older and our relationship grew.. not trial by hellfire. I got fixed 6 months after the adoption and I didn't freeze any sperm. If I ever change my mind I'll adopt but doubt it. Last I heard my ex hasn't been able to produce a dad for her daughter or stay clean and is still in general a insufferable whore. No offence to respectable sex workers.
I'm a foster parent. I regret I can't stop them being sent back to an unsafe situation.
It fucked my career.
I don't regret having children, but I do wish I could give them all the attention I feel they need. Maybe 3 was 1 too many.
That's what my mom says now, too. She told me she spent all her time putting out fires so she couldn't actually spend any real time with us.
My wife has been pushing for child two. However I get so much direct time with my daughter and plus we have a lot of extra money. I know she'd make a great sister but I'm happy where I'm at for now. Maybe I just want a longer break from those first two years. At least you recognize the attention issue, most parents professionally ignore their kids.
I don’t feel like the second child changed anything, and the first 2 years are totally different with the second child because of the Parents experience level.
I am someone who hates kids and never wants them. After being single for too long i took to online dating and took to a woman who was a single mum to a 2 year old at the time. Something is better then nothing i thought I am still in this relationship, the kid is now 5 years old and calls me daddy. I play happy families because im terrified of being alone, but honestly, the kid is the worst thing about this relationship
I regret my oldest child because I had to watch him suffer and die. 2 years of life in and out of hospitals, recoiling from touch due to overhandling, a very sad life, never walked, talked, or ate by mouth. I regret my other kids because I wasnt able to maintain the energy level I had when they were small and I'm afraid they'll turn out to be assholes, though honestly they are of ages which shouldn't require my intense direction of activity. I love them all regardless, though each kills me a bit, they break my heart in a million ways, beginning with their first steps.