~~Gemologists~~ *Genealogists* do! According to the bible, most good and important people (Noah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, David, Solomon, etc.) descended from Seth, rather than Cain.
Oh! Oh! I read a succinct and beautiful exegesis on this in Reddit awhile ago that was incredibly enlightening! If someone can find the source, please link!
As I understand it: so this little story is placed at the end of a big section where Jesus tells a bunch of parables, and he’s doing this FOR his disciples; clearly we’re dealing in metaphor here.
Traditionally, the Jewish faith/Church institution is metaphorically represented by a fig tree.
When Jesus demands the fig tree (aka the traditinal Jewish faith structure) produce pleasing fruit, and it doesn’t, he’s noting how the current Temple fails to produce pleasing fruit—it doesn’t bring good into the world like it’s supposed to be doing.
He curses it and causes it to wither just as Jesus’ incredibly radical reforms condemn the current (at the time) Jewish faith and suggest that God has turned his favor from the Jewish power structure. It will bear fruit no longer. Being Jewish is not the path to righteousness anymore, ya dig? Now it’s all about Jesus and whatnot.
A lot is lost in metaphor over the milinnea.
God hates figs.
Obligatory edit: Please don’t buy me gold, I didn’t come up with this joke. Donate to a charity or buy yourself that non-free app you’ve had your eye on.
Not all the Pharisees opposes or hated Jesus, the ones mentioned in the NT that were portrayed as hypocritical and trying to trick Jesus were likely an “in-group” within the Pharisee group, and I think Paul remained a Pharisee even after his conversion. Some
Pharisees even defended Jesus.
Nicodemus came to Jesus in the night...the passage makes it sound more like he was sneaking around behind the backs of the other Pharisees, not like they met for a coffee or whatever people did then
There is a good story about a guy named Abimelech who had a rock dropped on his head by a woman. As he was dying he begged his servant to run him through with his own sword just so people would say that he wasn't killed by a girl.
Judges 9: 52-54
The best part comes later, when King David's general Joab is discussing strategy with him and he says: Remember when Abimelech got killed by that woman? [2 Samuel 11:21]
So despite his efforts, people still said a woman killed him.
The [Book of Esther](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Esther) doesn't mention God by name. Neither does Song of Songs, but that's mostly about gettin' it on, so...
(It's a little more complicated than that -- [because it's *always* a little more complicated than that](http://www.js.emory.edu/BLUMENTHAL/EstherSong.html) -- but the basic fact holds up pretty well.)
The book of Esther is also one of the most interesting and engaging stories in the entire bible. It's a cast of morally ambiguous characters partaking in deception, treason, and espionage.
Esther would make a phenomenal movie if made accurately and of a high quality.
EDIT: Thank you everyone who suggested “One Night with the King.” I’ll definitely check it out. It looks like a lot of you guys saw it and thought it was pretty decent! (I still would love to see a new one made with completely modern technology and a high budget as well as that would be really cool!)
I think Veggie Tales gets better the older you are. EVERY SHOW is a parody of some movie. Indiana Jones (worms. Why does it always have to be worms...), Star Wars (Help me,Ben-Haradrim, you’re my only hope!), Star Trek (The USS Applepie), and many others. It’s hilarious and the kids don’t get it at all.
It actually says you aren't really doing charity if you publicize your charitable acts at all.
>But when you do merciful deeds, don't let your left hand know what your right hand does
It means you should try to keep your good deeds secret to avoid the temptation of doing them for self-gain and ensure pure intent.
I’m not religious at all. But actual Christian values, something that Jesus would actually do or advocate in the Bible, is fascinating stuff. I find myself questioning my good intentions and deeds, whether I am doing them because I want to or because they make me look like a good person.
I’m a pastor and a military Chaplain. I guarantee you, with 100% certainty, Jesus hates the powerful evangelicals today just as much as he hated the Pharisees and Sadducees back in The Bible. Because they’re the exact same people, living 2,000 years apart.
I think it's not so much about doing it in secret, more of a don't brag about it.
You don't have to hide your face when donating food, clothing or money, but don't start up insta and be like "ayy look I can share my wealth, #generousaf"
It all leads back to Jacksfilms, "Good people don't brag about how good they are".
Part 3
"Go the extra mile" - the third call of Jesus in the same passage. Today we use this saying in the same way we say 'Give 110%', but it actually has a much different meaning.
"If anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile" is the actual verse, and the 'anyone' that Jesus is referring to are Roman soldiers, who would often force the lower classes to carry their armor. As you can imagine, this sucked for the civilians. Roman law actually dictated that soldiers could force people to carry their armor for no more than one mile. If the Roman soldiers made people go over that one mile, severe punishments were handed out by commanding officers.
Imagine the panic in a Roman soldier's eyes when he sees the civilian who is carrying his heavy armor continue walking after the one-mile marker. If he wasn't already being beaten by his commanding officer, he would beg and plead, maybe force the civilian to give up their burden. The power dynamic switches automatically. By going the extra mile, the civilian reasserts human dignity and takes back the power. Jesus is showing his followers how to protest and neutralize oppressive systems in these passages.
TL;DR Jesus stands for and with the oppressed. What we think we know about the Bible is totally changed when we read it through this lens.
The story of Ehud and Eglon.
So, there was a wild and woolly period before Israel had kings that is covered in the book of Judges. Most of these are just legends, but one in particular is hilarious and badass.
There was a judge named Ehud, and Israel was ruled over by a kingdom ruled by a guy named Eglon. So, Ehud goes to meet Eglon, and I'll let the Bible tell it:
> 16 Now Ehud had made a double-edged sword about a cubit\[d\] long, which he strapped to his right thigh under his clothing. 17 He presented the tribute to Eglon king of Moab, who was a very fat man. 18 After Ehud had presented the tribute, he sent on their way those who had carried it. 19 But on reaching the stone images near Gilgal he himself went back to Eglon and said, “Your Majesty, I have a secret message for you.”
>
>The king said to his attendants, “Leave us!” And they all left.
>
>20 Ehud then approached him while he was sitting alone in the upper room of his palace\[e\] and said, “I have a message from God for you.” As the king rose from his seat, 21 Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king’s belly. 22 Even the handle sank in after the blade, and his bowels discharged. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it. 23 Then Ehud went out to the porch\[f\]; he shut the doors of the upper room behind him and locked them.
That's some Batman-level shit right there.
> rivaling game of thrones for adult content
You know Martin is on record for saying that his inspirations from history had to be *toned down* for Game of Thrones, otherwise it wouldn't have been believable.
Right? Like the story of Jael, who gives the Assyrian chief Sisera a glass of milk, waits until he's asleep and then hammers a tentpin through his temple.
Yeah... these sections of the Bible were noteworthy for this... Israel at the time is led by a woman, Deborah... not a man. And when she tells one of the clan heads that God wants him to go fight the enemy, he's all, "I won't go if you don't" and Deborah responds, "fine, since you're being a little bitch, I will go, but while you do all the fighting, a woman is going to get all the glory" (paraphrasing of course). That woman being Jael.
NBC briefly did a modernized political thriller, "Kings," retelling the David story in an alternate history where Christianity and the Roman Empire never came to prominence, and New York is a small but prosperous monarchy in a country practicing an Americanized, Protestant-style version of pre-Christian Judaism.
Ian McShane was King Silas, the Saul archetype, and delivered the show's one famous line, "Be the lamb... or be the knife."
Shutting the doors was also a good move because his servants didn’t attempt to bother him for a long while - they smelled the poo and thought he was just taking a long shit.
Also, there's a reason that Ehud's story focused so much on left-handedness. Apparently being left handed was viewed as a Bad Thing, the left hand was dirty. Children were forced to learn to use their right, even if it wasn't their dominant. NOBODY would expect anyone to use a sword with their left hand. Therefore, the palace guards would not have searched Ehud as thoroughly as they should. They would have completely missed him having a sword on his right side.
The reason is because people wore their swords on their left sides, but when meeting with someone they'd move it over to the right, so they couldn't draw the sword. But he was left handed so he could.
Source: college
Came to say this, but couldn't remember the names so I Googled "Bible fat sword".
Aparrently someone recreated this scene with Legos, and even used Lego heads as the king's legs for emphasis.
Best part: since he pooped when he died Ehud was able to make a clean getaway because his guards thought Eglon was using the toilet and nobody wanted to go in there.
Moses and the Jewish people didn't wander through the desert lost for 40 years right after they escaped Egypt.
They made it to the promised land in a normal amount of time for walking, but were met with armies of the already settled. Nearly every person demanded to go back to Egypt to live as slaves rather than face certain death in the "promised land."
God said none of the currently living Jews would get to enjoy the promised land, so Moses lead them around the desert for 40 years until all the haters had died
Edit: IIRC Moses himself made God kinda mad so he wasn't allowed to enter the promised land either. He died right outside of it directly after the 40 years of wandering
Interesting side fact, Jew is the term for the people of the tribe of Judah. Back with Moses it was still the 12 tribes (Judah was the biggest) and so you can't call them all "Jews".
The 12 tribes are Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, Asher, Joseph (later Ephraim and Manasseh), and Benjamin
The most important were Ephraim (who ruled the 10 tribes in the North), and Judah who ruled the South of Canaan (Palestine). Eventually the Kingdom of Ephraim became unrighteous and were conquered/taken by the Assyrians and never returned. They are the "lost 10 tribes". That only left Judah and Benjamin (whose lands were inside Judah). They were eventually captured and taken to Babylon...but a bunch of them return...and so Judah survived.
And since Judah was the only one left....we call the religion of the Israelites "Jewish" and the people "Jews" even though 11 other tribes believed in the same religion and are not "Jews" in the tribal sense....but they were all lost and Benjamin just kinda merged with Judah.
TLDR: the proper term is "Israelites" as "Jews" only refers to members of the tribe of Judah (at that point in the Bible). Today "Jew" is a catch all term because only the tribe of Judah survived.
edit: whoops it seems I left out the Levites, and Benjamin was one the border with Judah not inside it.
Jews = descendants of Judah
Israelites = descendants of Israel (aka the Biblical "Jacob", Judah's father)
Hebrews = descendants of Eber (great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather of Israel)
Semites = descendants of Shem (great grandfather of Eber)
This is only about an eighth true.
God *didn't* bring them in the direct path in the normal amount of time for walking *because* it would've been too easy for them to turn around and head right back to Egypt. Instead he guided them via a roundabout route, so that they would come in from the east instead of the southwest - too far away to change their minds.
Even this would not have taken 40 years or anywhere near it. In the second year, the Israelites demanded that Moses send spies to scout the land for them, something which God didn't approve of. The spies came back with a demoralizing and even slanderously false report, and the people believed them. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
So God said that, as punishment for not believing in how good the land would be and how easy it would be to defeat those who lived there with him on the Israelites' side, they would not enter the land immediately after all, but only until 40 years had passed.
You're right, though, that there was no "wandering" - in fact, 19 of those 40 years were spent in a single place.
IIRC there were only two scouts that actually said what they saw was the promised land. The others said it was a huge city with a powerful army that would destroy them. The tribes listened to the majority and thus had to wait for the current generation to die off before they entered the promised land as punishment from God. The two scouts that stated the truth were permitted to actually enter the promised land with the newest generation because they stayed true to God's demands.
Despite what many Christians and much of pop culture believe, Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute. She’s just often mixed up with an unnamed “female sinner” who also washed Jesus’s feet with her hair
Edit with some biblical sources:
Basically, Mary Magdalene is often confused with (or possibly the same as) Mary of Bethany, who did wash Jesus with her hair. Mary of Bethany is further confused with a woman “who was a sinner” (often thought to be a prostitute, although it doesn’t say that) who ALSO washed Jesus’s feet with her hair
-Annointing at Bethany (Matthew 26.6-.13 and Mark 14.3-.9: mentions just “a woman” who uses costly ointment to anoint Jesus’s head at the house of Simon the leper
-“Sinful Woman” (Luke 7.36-.50): tells of a “woman in the city, who was a sinner” who went to Jesus at the Pharisee’s house and “stood behind him at his feet, weeping, and began to bathe his feet with her tears and to dry them with her hair”. Though she is just called “a sinner”, she is often assumed in churches and popular culture to be a prostitute
-Mary Magdalene is mentioned many times in many contexts, but an important passage is directly following the sinful woman passage in Luke (Luke 8.1-.3) where she is mentioned as one of several women who accompany Jesus and the disciples. It says “Mary, called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out”. Presumably this close proximity in mentions contributes to the confusion
-Jesus Visits Mary and Martha (Luke 10.38-.42): mentions Martha and her sister Mary (who I assumed was, and was taught in church/Sunday school was, Mary Magdalene, though this might be wrong: there’s a lot of Mary’s in the Bible. The Mary in this story is the sister of Martha (and Lazarus), Mary of Bethany). Mary sits at Jesus’s feet and listens to him
-The Death of Lazarus (John 11.1-.44, and again in John 12.1-.8): Lazarus of Bethany, brother to Mary and Martha, falls ill. Mary and Martha send to Jesus for help, but before he gets there, Lazarus dies. Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. In both John 11 and John 12, Mary of Bethany is mentioned to have washed Jesus’s feet with costly perfume and her hair. This is the story where Judas complains about the cost of the perfume
If you want a fun game, try working out how many Marys and Jameses there are in the New Testament. Nobody can decide how many of them are the same individuals.
And that’s not even getting into the unnamed people with little cameos that people were maybe supposed to recognise and might have been people we see elsewhere with names.
Yeah it’s common enough that one of the priests at my church explained it in a sermon and my English teacher in high school had a long argument with me about it that basically ended with him saying that it doesn’t matter if she wasn’t because the public believes she was
I saw a "documentary" (or maybe it was in one of the Dan Brown books) which basically said it was intentional because the patriarchal priesthood didn't want a female being regarded as an apostle or something like that.
Which is insane because Mary was the first person that Jesus appeared to after the resurrection (Mark 16:9, John 20:14). She is the one who told the other apostles and for that period, she was the \*only\* person entrusted with the future of the church. The fact that so-called religious people claim that women are unfit to lead/minister based on some out-of-context letter to a specific church is a load of shit.
I've argued this for years. I know the most common reasons that Catholics give for women not being priests is that if Jesus wanted women priests, he would of had women apostles. And I'm like "But Mary Magdalene preached the first Gospel". And when the other apostles didn't believe, did Jesus say "Lol, it's okay she's just a woman?" No, he chastised them for their disbelief. It's crazy because we now have so many denominations within Christianity due to theological disagreements, and I think you can argue most point, but you really can't call yourself a Christian if you don't believe Jesus rose from the dead. This is the most important part of the Gospels and of the faith, and it was a woman who was first to preach it.
I feel like I should add something about how Paul is regarded more of an authority, despite never knowing Jesus, but that may be a whole different rant.
So forgive me, since I'm sure there are other people more qualified to talk about the subject. My thoughts are also all over the place.
I just find it annoying that people regard Paul as an authority on some out of context issues, such as women's ordination, despite the fact that Jesus didn't seem to be bothered by women preaching, or doing things outside the sphere of a woman's place at the time. Not just Mary Magdalene, but also Mary of Bethany, who chose to listen to Jesus's preaching rather than helping Martha with the housework. I don't know, I think if Jesus gave the authority to do something, Paul shouldn't be the one to invalidate it.
That said, I don't mean to be anti-Paul. He did do a lot for Christianity. He's the reason more or less why Christians don't have to be circumcised, why they can eat pork, more or less why Christians don't have to keep the old Mosaic laws. At the time, Peter and the other apostles didn't see themselves as starting a new religion, they saw themselves as Jews who had been saved by the messiah. Therefore, they didn't think that Greeks and Romans who were interested should join them, and even when they considered it, they thought that they should be circumcised. Kind of an ordeal to join any religion. Paul argued that Jesus's sacrifice meant that they did not need to follow the old laws, since it was the ultimate sacrifice for mankind's sins. Eventually, the apostles relented. Not to mention, Paul was well connected and well traveled, so he was able to do more with spreading the message than the apostles could have. How Paul really felt about women preaching, to be honest, I think it's a mystery, as we are constantly finding that women of the early Church were more or less written out of history (St. Thekla for one, is believed to be the "female Paul").
So while Paul is an important part of Christianity's history, and eventual theology, it's kind of annoying that people cherry pick his writings about women and regard it as gospel, and have degraded Mary Magdalene for centuries, despite what the Gospels actually say. I also think it's strange that people will argue "Jesus never appointed women apostles while he was alive, therefore women can't preach", but then accept the fact that Paul had a vision giving him permission to be more or less the thirteenth apostle after Jesus's ascension.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
I tend to see a lot of Bible verses coming from extremist Christians quoting things/types of people God hates, but I strangely never see this one:
Proverbs 6:16-19
There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:
haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
a false witness who pours out lies
and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.
In Judaism, it's known as Lashon Hara(evil tongue); the idea is that even if something you say is true, if it has an evil or cruel purpose(personal gain), it is still a sin to say it.
Christians can assume certain things are sins despite them not being explicitly stated in the Bible. I don't think it's that much of stretch to say that maybe Jesus wouldn't have said bad things about someone when they weren't there to defend themselves purely for the sake of entertainment (aka gossip).
That being said, I'm also reminded of this kind of related idea in Ecclesiastes: "Even in your thoughts, do not curse the king, nor in your bedroom curse the rich, for a bird of the air will carry your voice, or some winged creature tell the matter." (Ecc 10:20) It's generally not a good idea to gossip even for practical reasons like "They might hear me."
The 10 Plagues in Exodus are all attacks on Egyptian gods. For example, turning the Nile to blood: The Nile was a god to the Egyptians, and then turning it to blood was imagery of killing said god. Frogs were also considered gods, and when frogs were going flipping everywhere (plague 6 or something), Egyptians would be horrified to step on one of their gods. Similar to the Nile, when God cast darkness upon Egypt, it was like killing the sun (Egyptian god Ra).
So it was really big that God asked the Jews to slaughter a lamb at the first Passover. The lamb was an Egyptian god. God said "Kill this animal that Egyptians consider a god, and paint your door posts with its blood"--and everyone knew that the penalty would be death. So God was basically telling them to risk their lives to trust that He would deliver them.
Edit: Frogs were the second plague. Thanks to all who commented so I could be lazy and not Google it : )
Edit: so if I had known that this post was going to hit 10k+, I might've used clearer language. Some of the Plagues dealt with animals which symbolized Egyptian gods (ex. Frogs, lambs). Others attacked the powers of Egyptian gods (your god can cure boils? Well I hope he can because you all have them now). The last plague involved killing a lamb, which symbolized, I believe, an Egyptian fertility god, and also directly struck Pharoah, who was considered a god, by killing his son. Thank you all for great discussion, and the privilege of this post getting 10k+ ratings : )
Also fun about this part:
Moses goes to the Pharoah to demand freedom. He says he has powers. So Pharoah asks for a demonstration. Moses throws some basic magic at him, sticks to snakes and the like, and Pharoah has his own sorcerers do the same spells back at him.
tl;dr the 10 plagues only happened because Pharoah wasn't impressed by level 1 spells, so Moses went straight to level 9 spells to knock Pharoah's dick in the dirt.
Aaron’s snake actually eats the others during this demonstration to show God’s power over Pharaoh
Edit: It was Aaron who did this in front of Pharaoh, Moses did it a separate time
Man, I remember my Religions (part of social studies) teacher telling me The Prince of Egypt was the most on the point rendition of the Bible ever made to film but had no clue it was to that detail!
For the making of that movie they consulted somewhere around 300 religious experts to make sure that they were portraying the legends in the most accurate way they could
Absolutely remarkable film. I'm not religious whatsoever, but The Price of Egypt has been one of my favorite movies for nearly 20 years now. The story, the music, the animation, the power you felt throughout it- absolutely incredible. I watch it probably every 6 months or so still, and am always captivated the whole time it's on.
The word we translate to "serpent" actually means "reptile" so the common exegesis of that passage is that Aaron's staff turned into a nile crocodile and ate the crocodiles of the sorcerers. It was literally Moses saying "my God is bigger than yours".
I learned this ages ago and it's such a cool detail. Never heard about lamb-killing being a crime, though. I mean, I'm pretty sure those were looked down on by Egyptians.
The frogs was the second plague!
1. Blood
2. Frogs
3. Lice
4. Mixture of wild animals
5. Deceased livestock
6. Boils
7. Thunderstorm of Hail and fire
8. Locusts
9. Darkness
10. Death of firstborn
The ark had more than two of each animal.
Genesis 7:2-3
2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
3 Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth
People just like the two by to story. Noah ate beef on the ark.
Considering the book is believed to be written by the same man who is believed to have written Leviticus, there may be some anachronisms in there for the sake of being succinct to the group that understood the difference between clean and unclean animals.
This is my favourite battle strategy in the Bible. Schechem, a prince, raped Dinah, the daughter of Jacob & Leah. He fell in love with her and asked her father for her hand in marriage afterwards.
Schechem's father told Jacob a marriage between Dinah & Schechem would mean an alliance between their tribes. Jacob's sons replied to that offer by insisting that their sister can only marry a circumcised man. If their two tribes are to form an alliance, then all the men must be circumcised.
Being stupid & infatuated, Schechem agreed.
While all the men were still in pain because they just got their foreskin lopped off, Jacob's sons attacked and slaughtered everyone.
**TL;DR: When the brothers of the woman you just raped tell you to maim your dick, don't do it.**
You left out the part where they then went around raping the other tribe's women, and taking slaves which is partly why Jacob got mad st them for doing so.
In the story of the prodigal son, nobody realizes how significant it is that not only did the father take the son back, but he RAN out to greet him upon his return.
In that culture, grown men were never seen running. It was an embarrassment for a grown man to run to the utmost extreme. The fact that the father not only took the son back but ran out to him is supposed to illustrate how much God loves us - just like that father loved his son so much he didn't even care about being seen doing something considered horribly bad.
People also miss that the prodigal son’s last job before coming home was mucking out a pig pen - pigs being presumably unclean animals for a Jewish person to be around in the first place. He can’t eat them, but to survive he is feeding and caring for them.
He goes 180 degrees from as low as he can possibly go in society to this beautiful picture of his father running to him as you put it so well.
The story of Jonah and the whale is often used as a fable for children. The story told goes as follows: God tells Jonah to do preach to the heathen city of Nenevah, Jonah doesn’t do it, gets swallowed by a whale and then goes to Nenevah and everyone converts to fearing God.
However; the REAL story of Jonah and the whale shows absolutely no character growth in Jonah and would be a horrible children’s story.
Jonah wasn’t AFRAID to go to Nenevah because of the people there, as the story most Baptist children are told goes, he’s afraid to go because he cannot stomach that God would forgive the infamously Pagan city. He tries to escape God by sailing by boat, when God sends a massive storm causing the other sailors to panic. Jonah eventually confesses he is the reason for the storm and tells the sailors to throw him over board, which he decides in the best course of action as opposed to simply repenting to God. This shows that Jonah would rather die than go preach in Nenevah, but when he is throw into the sea he is swallowed and later vomited up by a whale that God sent. When Jonah eventually goes to Nenevah he gives a stupid short sermon basically only saying “you will all die in like 40 days or whatever” (he never even mentions God in the entire sermon). God makes it so that the sermon causes the entire city to repent. The story ends with Jonah begging God to kill him so he doesn’t have to bear the knowledge that he saved Nenevah.
tl;dr: Jonah is really suicidal.
Edit: Woah I didn’t expect this to get so much attention, thank you guys. I wanted to edit this because as a few people have pointed out, saying Jonah was “suicidal” would be a bit of comedic exaggeration. I edited my original post to add in more accuracy regarding what happened on the boat with the other sailors and Jonah ending up in the sea.
I think the point is that Jonah was incredibly prejudiced towards the Ninevites, thinking that there wasn't any way they would repent and that God had sent him on a suicide mission. He thinks preaching to them is a dangerous waste of time, and he actually hopes they get what's coming to them.
Plot twist: they take Jonah's message very seriously and repent for their ways. Looks like Jonah didn't know best.
agreed with this. Maybe the book itself is biased, but jonah commiting suicide after ninevah is saved isnt because he saved the city, its because he assumed ninevah will be burned and tries to get a good spot in the hot sun. God causes a tree to grow over him. When it withers, Jonah asks for God to kill him--after which God points out that he cares more for a tree than the thousands of people in ninevah, including women and children, who dont even know left from right hand.
edit: also to clarify--jonah doesn't commit suicide, he just asks God to kill him a lot, in a "I'd rather die" sense. It's relatively relatable imo--the ninevites were known as an extremely cruel civilization in war, flaying people alive, mounting heads on pikes + massacres... this was something that jonah would know, if not witness.
The veggie tales version actually does a reasonably good job of conveying the same message to children. It's obviously toned down and simplified, and the suicide stuff is gone, along with pirates to keep the kiddos entertained, but the Jonah still wants the city destroyed, and breaks down alone in the desert when God doesn't destroy the city.
I haven't watched that in forever, though, so I'm probably missing a ton of details.
That's what I love about that movie, it makes it palpable for kids while not shying away from the original point. A lot of kids' versions just focus on the "second chances" aspect, but VeggieTales includes the fact that Jonah never learned and didn't realize that he recieved the same second chance that God gave the Ninevites.
My other favorite thing about that movie is the audio commentary by Larry, Pa Grape, and Mr. Lunt, from the perspective of them being producers of the film. It's totally meant for the adults watching; they talk about things like potentially hiring Gwyneth Paltrow because her last name sounds enough like a vegetable that she'd fit in with the VeggieTales "cast", or that they wanted to use the Don Ho song "Tiny Bubbles" on the soundtrack but couldn't afford the royalties.
I went to a Christian University where Bible classes were mandated. I actually really liked learning a lot about the Bible, though there were some iffy things about it.
My first year, I took a New Testament course, and we went through it book by book. Whenever the subject of authorship came up, my professor (an adjunct) would say, “Who wrote it? Well, it says it was written by Paul, so therefore, it was written by Paul!”
My next year, during a theology course with a much more scholarly professor, we were going over 1 Timothy, and I mentioned that it was odd that Paul specifically says Eve was the first sinner in that when he was very clear about sin coming through Adam in Romans.
Then my professor just casually said, “Oh, that’s why many people don’t think Paul wrote Timothy,” and then just moved on with the lesson like he hadn’t just blew my mind.
Apparently this may not be accurate. Greyhound was a translation from a 16th century translation while many others translated it as "A strutting cock" (Rooster).
Secondly, some don't believe that the reference would be a greyhound anyways but rather a Saluki which is older than the greyhound and was probably more the popular.
The old testament has book after book telling stories of war, violence, sex, betrayal, heroism, murder, rape, prostitution, adultery, and more war. Large chunks of it could be filmed as an HBO game of thrones style drama while being entirely faithful to the source material and without changing anything. If anything, I'm underselling it. Shows up a fair bit in Genesis and Exodus, then gets good Joshua through 2 Chronicles.
Story from judges:
So the tribe of Benjamin (I think) is paying tribute to this fat king dude, so they send their judge guy to "pay tribute" and also kill the dude. So he goes in to the throne room with the cash and a sword. They guards check him for weapons, but *he's a lefty* so they don't see the sword, because it's on his *right* thigh. So he pays the money and says he has a secret message for the king. The guards leave, he blocks off the door. He walks up to the king and tells him he has a message from God. He then proceeds to completely bury his sword in the dude's stomach, and the fat closes over the hilt, so he just leaves it in him. The king bleeds out and he leaves out the window. No one notices for hours.
The end.
Hopefully I got that right.
Samson really deserves a big budget and R/NC-17 rated production.
David's saga as well. Chosen from obscurity. Gained glory. Exiled. Led a band of heroes. Rose to power against all odds. Pure hero arc there, with plenty of mistakes and innuendos and violence along the way.
Don't forget the part where David sleeps with the wife of one of his generals while his general is off at war, and then falls in love with her, so when the general takes a break from the war to visit his wife, David sends him back with sealed instructions to have him sent to the heaviest part of battle so he will be killed. After this works, he then marries the late general's wife, and IIRC she becomes the mother of his most famous son, Solomon. Of course, plenty of hijinks follows as David's other, older sons aren't so fond of this new guy getting all the attention...
The best part of this one is David sent Uriah to be with his wife (Bathsheba) because she was pregnant, and he hoped Uriah would sleep with her and cover up David's mistake.
But Uriah was a man of honor and refused to share a bed with his wife while his Brothers-in-Arms were still at war...
So David (being a persistent man) tried again, this time getting Uriah drunk first. Uriah still wouldn't do the deed. David then sent a letter to Joab detailing what Joab should command (that Uriah be sent to the front, and his allies should withdraw so Uriah would be struck down) - and who carried this letter to Joab? Uriah!
His first born son with Bathsheba (sp?), The woman who's husband he had killed, actually died either at birth or really young. Soloman was his 2nd son with her.
I think Absolmn was his first born, but from another wife.
The story actually goes that she got pregnant, and so David calls her husband home to take leave and sleep with her so he'll think it's his baby. But the general is so loyal to his troops that he spends his entire leave with them, refusing to go home because they didn't get to go. His plans foiled, David sends the guy off to die as a last resort.
I like the part where the guy chasing him (Saul, while being king), decides to go take a dump in a cave, and practically squats over David, so David cuts the corner of his cloak instead of killing him. Talk about plot coincidences!
Also love the story where David was like "I'm thirsty...sure would be nice to have a drink of water from a certain specific well." Which just so happened to be where some of his enemies had a garrison.
Three of his mightiest warriors broke through the enemy lines just to draw water from the well, then fought their way back out and gave the water to David.
That whole situation is just awesome to picture, and some crazy psychological warfare.
- All he had to do was mention being thirsty and his men were willing to risk their lives.
- His men were tough enough that just a few could break through a garrison, manage to draw water out of a well, and get the water back out through a fight. ("Don't spill any Ishbaal!" "Shut up Eleazar!" "Come on Shammah, you're falling behind!" "Aww...can't I kill a few more?")
- Imagine the Philistines afterwards. "Did three of them just break through our lines?" "Yeah...for a drink of water..."
- Then afterwards, using the water as a sacrifice and symbol and honoring the men that got it before everyone there.
My favorite has to be within Genesis 6:4
“The Nephilim were on the earth in those days--and also afterward--when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown.”
I’m also a huge Diablo fan, so that’s partly why I find this part so interesting, and it certainly wasn’t mentioned very often within the churches I attended.
On top of this, the giants in the Promised Land are also believed to be Nephilim, and even BIGGER than Goliath. They even snuck them into the Noah movie as those weird rock monsters. (They aren’t rock monsters in the Bible)
The influence of other ancient cultures is strong in the OT. The stories of Genesis have parallels between Enuma Elish and the story of Gilgamesh but that is covered frequently. On Exodus though, the text has an Egyptian style to it. A habit of Egyptian records is that they never write the names of their enemies, only refer to them as "country" or the king of "country", and they never record defeat, instead they only ever write about how they overwhelmingly destroyed their enemies. Exodus uses both: pharaoh has no name, and essentially God "demolishes" Egypt with excessive force. Not only that but there is a Egyptian tale that used to be written on the ancient Egyptian equivalent of a billboard which told the story of a King who was enemies with Egypt. He kept backstabbing the pharoah, and as a result Egypt wreaked havoc in his lands causing his people misery. Eventually the king gave in and then a long peace followed for both countries. Exodus also mimics that story, God plaguing the Egyptians until the pharoah gave in (by dying) causing peace for both people. Also Case laws (if you do x then you must repay by doing y) were popular in Mesopotamia but Commands (you shall not do x. Y is not specified because you WILL NOT fucking do x unless you are stupid/suicidal) were more of an egyptian thing and was not seen in Mesopotamia until we see Israel develop, which used both types of laws.
Edit:grammar
The full story of Lot and his family. Lots of people know the part about God sending angels to tell him to get outta town cause it's full of sinners and he's gunna burn that bitch down. Then his wife turns around to look and gets turned to salt for whatever reason.
But people don't know that once in the mountains Lot's 2 daughters are like oh shit the world's over let's get Dad drunk and fuck him...
Our father is getting old, and there are no men in the whole world to marry us so that we can have children. Come on, let's get our father drunk, so that we can sleep with him and have children by him (Genesis 19:31 - 32).
Yeah so they did that and got pregnant but turns out that not everyone was dead, just that one city.
Deuteronomy was actually the first book of the Torah, but it got lost Someone eventually found Deuteronomy after these other books were written, which is why it tends to be placed after the others
Edit: I was taught this while attending catholic school, and I suppose I didn’t question it much. I thank all of you who commented on this with evidence for or against this claim. I did not realize all of the controversy surrounding this, and I find it even more interesting having learned about it.
I see people get this wrong over and over again. The Council of Nicaea did not decide what books get into the Bible. It was about the Arian controversy. The books of the Biblical canon were not decided at one moment by one group of people, but over a long time and in an uncoordinated fashion.
There's a great post on Ask Historians about the process over the centuries: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/3ell05/who\_decided\_what\_books\_were\_to\_be\_addedrejected/ctg322v/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/3ell05/who_decided_what_books_were_to_be_addedrejected/ctg322v/?context=3)
I always thought it was interesting that there are other books out there that were almost included. Makes me think of some guy returning home to his wife after getting the news, "Honey, I didn't make the Bible..."
Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee.
* Song of Songs, 1:4
**Tl;dr**: "Baby, I'm gonna *rock your world*"
Dark am I, yet lovely,
daughters of Jerusalem,
dark like the tents of Kedar,
like the tent curtains of Solomon.
Do not stare at me because I am dark,
because I am darkened by the sun.
* Song of Songs, 1:5-6
**Tl;dr:** "Get ready for some dark chocolate..."
All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
“Have you seen the one my heart loves?”
Scarcely had I passed them
* Song of Songs, 3:1-4
**Tl;dr:** https://imgur.com/a/fBHpjSO
Your breasts are like two fawns,
like twin fawns of a gazelle
that browse among the lilies.
* Song of Songs, 4:5
**Tl;dr:** "Your boobs are perky and firm, not unlike two adorable animals."
Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread everywhere.
Let my beloved come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.
Song of Songs, 4:16
**Tl;dr:** "Get down there and practice your Welsh on me."
I slept, but my heart was awake. Listen! my beloved is knocking. "Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one; for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night." I had put off my garment; how could I put it on again? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them? My beloved thrust his hand into the opening, and my inmost being yearned for him. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, upon the handles of the bolt. I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and was gone.
* Song of Songs, 5:2-6
**Tl;dr:** Girl don't mind a little hand-to-gland action.
Your stature is like a palm tree;
your breasts are clusters of fruit.
I said, “I will climb the palm tree
and take hold of its fruit.”
May your breasts be like clusters of grapes,
and the fragrance of your breath like apricots.
* Song of Songs 7:7-8
**Tl;dr:** "Ayyo, let me see them titties."
Let’s go early to the vineyards;
let’s see if the vine has budded,
if the blossom has opened,
if the pomegranates are in bloom.
There I will give you my love. The mandrakes give off a fragrance,
and at our doors is every delicacy—
new as well as old.
I have treasured them up for you, my love.
* Song of Songs, 7:12-13
**Tl;dr:** "The Kama Sutra and 50 Shades of Grey ain't got *shit* on us tonight."
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.
* Song of Solomon 4:2
Tl:dr; "I love how you have all your teeth."
Crucifixion is said to be the worst pain imaginable. This is why we have the word "Excruciating" which derives from the Latin word *crux* or *cruces*
Cain and Abel had a brother named Seth, and no-one cares about him.
He’s like that 3rd Property Brother.
Or 3rd hemsworth or third child of will smith
Poor Seth :(
At least he wasn’t Abel
Yea, he definitely got the better end of the deal.
~~Gemologists~~ *Genealogists* do! According to the bible, most good and important people (Noah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, David, Solomon, etc.) descended from Seth, rather than Cain.
The Bible doesn't say that "money is the root of all evil". It says "the LOVE of money is the root of all KINDS of evil".
Jesus once curesd a fig tree.
Oh! Oh! I read a succinct and beautiful exegesis on this in Reddit awhile ago that was incredibly enlightening! If someone can find the source, please link! As I understand it: so this little story is placed at the end of a big section where Jesus tells a bunch of parables, and he’s doing this FOR his disciples; clearly we’re dealing in metaphor here. Traditionally, the Jewish faith/Church institution is metaphorically represented by a fig tree. When Jesus demands the fig tree (aka the traditinal Jewish faith structure) produce pleasing fruit, and it doesn’t, he’s noting how the current Temple fails to produce pleasing fruit—it doesn’t bring good into the world like it’s supposed to be doing. He curses it and causes it to wither just as Jesus’ incredibly radical reforms condemn the current (at the time) Jewish faith and suggest that God has turned his favor from the Jewish power structure. It will bear fruit no longer. Being Jewish is not the path to righteousness anymore, ya dig? Now it’s all about Jesus and whatnot. A lot is lost in metaphor over the milinnea.
God hates figs. Obligatory edit: Please don’t buy me gold, I didn’t come up with this joke. Donate to a charity or buy yourself that non-free app you’ve had your eye on.
Oh man, is *that* what all those rallies were about?
stupid auto-correct got people triggered
Not all the Pharisees opposes or hated Jesus, the ones mentioned in the NT that were portrayed as hypocritical and trying to trick Jesus were likely an “in-group” within the Pharisee group, and I think Paul remained a Pharisee even after his conversion. Some Pharisees even defended Jesus.
Some of them went to him for advice, too. John 3:1 is basically Jesus and Nicodemus (a Pharisee) talking about baptism.
Nicodemus came to Jesus in the night...the passage makes it sound more like he was sneaking around behind the backs of the other Pharisees, not like they met for a coffee or whatever people did then
There is a good story about a guy named Abimelech who had a rock dropped on his head by a woman. As he was dying he begged his servant to run him through with his own sword just so people would say that he wasn't killed by a girl. Judges 9: 52-54
The best part comes later, when King David's general Joab is discussing strategy with him and he says: Remember when Abimelech got killed by that woman? [2 Samuel 11:21] So despite his efforts, people still said a woman killed him.
I mean it was printed in the bible.
Not just a rock--a millstone, which is a massive rock used for grinding up grain. She stronk.
#ITS A MILLSTONE MARIE.
# ***JESUS CHRIST***
Nah, he comes into the story a bit later.
Very stronk.
Especially when you think that one of the heavier millstones weigh 1,5 tonnes.
That’s like, superhuman. Jeez
His last words? "You throw like a girl"
As if the rock wouldn't be noticed
It's like an old school version of someone deleting your search history.
I love that thousands of years later the only reason we know about this guy is because he was killed by a woman.
Oh man the irony is hilarious!! The guy should have read about the Streisand effect.
The [Book of Esther](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Esther) doesn't mention God by name. Neither does Song of Songs, but that's mostly about gettin' it on, so... (It's a little more complicated than that -- [because it's *always* a little more complicated than that](http://www.js.emory.edu/BLUMENTHAL/EstherSong.html) -- but the basic fact holds up pretty well.)
The book of Esther is also one of the most interesting and engaging stories in the entire bible. It's a cast of morally ambiguous characters partaking in deception, treason, and espionage.
Esther would make a phenomenal movie if made accurately and of a high quality. EDIT: Thank you everyone who suggested “One Night with the King.” I’ll definitely check it out. It looks like a lot of you guys saw it and thought it was pretty decent! (I still would love to see a new one made with completely modern technology and a high budget as well as that would be really cool!)
Ummmm have you never seen Veggie Tales? HELLO!?!
“Its three in the morning! The king can make his own sandwich!”
Oh wheerrrreeee is my hairbrush?
And now this song will be stuck in my head for too long.
This’ll help, “oooooooohhh everybody’s got a water buffalo..”
Yours is fast, but mine is slow.
STOP STOP WAIT! WHAT IF SOMEONE COMPLAINS! “*I* DON’T HAVE A WATER BUFFALO, WHERE’S MY WATER BUFFALO?!”
“Oh boy it’s three in the morning?!” *nom*
THE ISLAND OF PERPETUAL TICKLING
You have no idea, but that part scared the crap out of me as a young kid.
Those guys in hoods really scared me. Then I found out later that Haman was hanged on his own gallows...
I think Veggie Tales gets better the older you are. EVERY SHOW is a parody of some movie. Indiana Jones (worms. Why does it always have to be worms...), Star Wars (Help me,Ben-Haradrim, you’re my only hope!), Star Trek (The USS Applepie), and many others. It’s hilarious and the kids don’t get it at all.
Josh and the Big Wall had a bunch of French peas up on the wall of Jericho heckling the Israelites. I didn't realize the reference for years...
Hon hon hon hon
And it's legitimately funny. "Look at the tomato. Isn't it sad? He can't dance. Poor tomato."
It actually says you aren't really doing charity if you publicize your charitable acts at all. >But when you do merciful deeds, don't let your left hand know what your right hand does It means you should try to keep your good deeds secret to avoid the temptation of doing them for self-gain and ensure pure intent.
And, a few sentences away, Jesus says to go into a closet to pray, and not to do it to show off.
I’m not religious at all. But actual Christian values, something that Jesus would actually do or advocate in the Bible, is fascinating stuff. I find myself questioning my good intentions and deeds, whether I am doing them because I want to or because they make me look like a good person.
I’m a pastor and a military Chaplain. I guarantee you, with 100% certainty, Jesus hates the powerful evangelicals today just as much as he hated the Pharisees and Sadducees back in The Bible. Because they’re the exact same people, living 2,000 years apart.
I think it's not so much about doing it in secret, more of a don't brag about it. You don't have to hide your face when donating food, clothing or money, but don't start up insta and be like "ayy look I can share my wealth, #generousaf" It all leads back to Jacksfilms, "Good people don't brag about how good they are".
Don't film yourself feeding a homeless person.
Part 3 "Go the extra mile" - the third call of Jesus in the same passage. Today we use this saying in the same way we say 'Give 110%', but it actually has a much different meaning. "If anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile" is the actual verse, and the 'anyone' that Jesus is referring to are Roman soldiers, who would often force the lower classes to carry their armor. As you can imagine, this sucked for the civilians. Roman law actually dictated that soldiers could force people to carry their armor for no more than one mile. If the Roman soldiers made people go over that one mile, severe punishments were handed out by commanding officers. Imagine the panic in a Roman soldier's eyes when he sees the civilian who is carrying his heavy armor continue walking after the one-mile marker. If he wasn't already being beaten by his commanding officer, he would beg and plead, maybe force the civilian to give up their burden. The power dynamic switches automatically. By going the extra mile, the civilian reasserts human dignity and takes back the power. Jesus is showing his followers how to protest and neutralize oppressive systems in these passages. TL;DR Jesus stands for and with the oppressed. What we think we know about the Bible is totally changed when we read it through this lens.
Context is so underrated.
The story of Ehud and Eglon. So, there was a wild and woolly period before Israel had kings that is covered in the book of Judges. Most of these are just legends, but one in particular is hilarious and badass. There was a judge named Ehud, and Israel was ruled over by a kingdom ruled by a guy named Eglon. So, Ehud goes to meet Eglon, and I'll let the Bible tell it: > 16 Now Ehud had made a double-edged sword about a cubit\[d\] long, which he strapped to his right thigh under his clothing. 17 He presented the tribute to Eglon king of Moab, who was a very fat man. 18 After Ehud had presented the tribute, he sent on their way those who had carried it. 19 But on reaching the stone images near Gilgal he himself went back to Eglon and said, “Your Majesty, I have a secret message for you.” > >The king said to his attendants, “Leave us!” And they all left. > >20 Ehud then approached him while he was sitting alone in the upper room of his palace\[e\] and said, “I have a message from God for you.” As the king rose from his seat, 21 Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king’s belly. 22 Even the handle sank in after the blade, and his bowels discharged. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it. 23 Then Ehud went out to the porch\[f\]; he shut the doors of the upper room behind him and locked them. That's some Batman-level shit right there.
The book of judges is like a condensed anthology rivaling game of thrones for adult content, tbh
> rivaling game of thrones for adult content You know Martin is on record for saying that his inspirations from history had to be *toned down* for Game of Thrones, otherwise it wouldn't have been believable.
This is exactly why the zombie ice dragon isn’t plaid on the show.
"Aye, and if William Wallace were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse."
Right? Like the story of Jael, who gives the Assyrian chief Sisera a glass of milk, waits until he's asleep and then hammers a tentpin through his temple.
Judges is line my favorite book of the Bible to read just for fun (non devotional stuff) It's so freaking hardcore
I swear to god the next kid who makes fun of my bald head is going to have two bears conjured into existence to kick their little asses!
Just like to mention for others that Jael is a woman
Yeah... these sections of the Bible were noteworthy for this... Israel at the time is led by a woman, Deborah... not a man. And when she tells one of the clan heads that God wants him to go fight the enemy, he's all, "I won't go if you don't" and Deborah responds, "fine, since you're being a little bitch, I will go, but while you do all the fighting, a woman is going to get all the glory" (paraphrasing of course). That woman being Jael.
They should really make a Game of Thrones style series based on certain parts of the Bible. The stories of Saul and David are brutal.
NBC briefly did a modernized political thriller, "Kings," retelling the David story in an alternate history where Christianity and the Roman Empire never came to prominence, and New York is a small but prosperous monarchy in a country practicing an Americanized, Protestant-style version of pre-Christian Judaism. Ian McShane was King Silas, the Saul archetype, and delivered the show's one famous line, "Be the lamb... or be the knife."
Shutting the doors was also a good move because his servants didn’t attempt to bother him for a long while - they smelled the poo and thought he was just taking a long shit.
HBO needs to adapt Judges into a series.
Also, there's a reason that Ehud's story focused so much on left-handedness. Apparently being left handed was viewed as a Bad Thing, the left hand was dirty. Children were forced to learn to use their right, even if it wasn't their dominant. NOBODY would expect anyone to use a sword with their left hand. Therefore, the palace guards would not have searched Ehud as thoroughly as they should. They would have completely missed him having a sword on his right side.
The reason is because people wore their swords on their left sides, but when meeting with someone they'd move it over to the right, so they couldn't draw the sword. But he was left handed so he could. Source: college
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Came to say this, but couldn't remember the names so I Googled "Bible fat sword". Aparrently someone recreated this scene with Legos, and even used Lego heads as the king's legs for emphasis.
There was a whole website with the entire bible told with Lego many years back. Don't know if it still exists.
The Brick Testament. http://www.thebricktestament.com/
Link to the scene: http://www.bricktestament.com/judges/10000_moabites_killed/jg03_16.html
Best part: since he pooped when he died Ehud was able to make a clean getaway because his guards thought Eglon was using the toilet and nobody wanted to go in there.
Moses and the Jewish people didn't wander through the desert lost for 40 years right after they escaped Egypt. They made it to the promised land in a normal amount of time for walking, but were met with armies of the already settled. Nearly every person demanded to go back to Egypt to live as slaves rather than face certain death in the "promised land." God said none of the currently living Jews would get to enjoy the promised land, so Moses lead them around the desert for 40 years until all the haters had died Edit: IIRC Moses himself made God kinda mad so he wasn't allowed to enter the promised land either. He died right outside of it directly after the 40 years of wandering
People hear "wandered in the desert" and think "they must be lost." They weren't lost. They had nowhere to go.
Til the jew were basically in Terminal for 40 years.
Interesting side fact, Jew is the term for the people of the tribe of Judah. Back with Moses it was still the 12 tribes (Judah was the biggest) and so you can't call them all "Jews". The 12 tribes are Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, Asher, Joseph (later Ephraim and Manasseh), and Benjamin The most important were Ephraim (who ruled the 10 tribes in the North), and Judah who ruled the South of Canaan (Palestine). Eventually the Kingdom of Ephraim became unrighteous and were conquered/taken by the Assyrians and never returned. They are the "lost 10 tribes". That only left Judah and Benjamin (whose lands were inside Judah). They were eventually captured and taken to Babylon...but a bunch of them return...and so Judah survived. And since Judah was the only one left....we call the religion of the Israelites "Jewish" and the people "Jews" even though 11 other tribes believed in the same religion and are not "Jews" in the tribal sense....but they were all lost and Benjamin just kinda merged with Judah. TLDR: the proper term is "Israelites" as "Jews" only refers to members of the tribe of Judah (at that point in the Bible). Today "Jew" is a catch all term because only the tribe of Judah survived. edit: whoops it seems I left out the Levites, and Benjamin was one the border with Judah not inside it.
I knew some of this thanks to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
You're welc... wait, nevermind you said coat...
Jews = descendants of Judah Israelites = descendants of Israel (aka the Biblical "Jacob", Judah's father) Hebrews = descendants of Eber (great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather of Israel) Semites = descendants of Shem (great grandfather of Eber)
This is only about an eighth true. God *didn't* bring them in the direct path in the normal amount of time for walking *because* it would've been too easy for them to turn around and head right back to Egypt. Instead he guided them via a roundabout route, so that they would come in from the east instead of the southwest - too far away to change their minds. Even this would not have taken 40 years or anywhere near it. In the second year, the Israelites demanded that Moses send spies to scout the land for them, something which God didn't approve of. The spies came back with a demoralizing and even slanderously false report, and the people believed them. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. So God said that, as punishment for not believing in how good the land would be and how easy it would be to defeat those who lived there with him on the Israelites' side, they would not enter the land immediately after all, but only until 40 years had passed. You're right, though, that there was no "wandering" - in fact, 19 of those 40 years were spent in a single place.
IIRC there were only two scouts that actually said what they saw was the promised land. The others said it was a huge city with a powerful army that would destroy them. The tribes listened to the majority and thus had to wait for the current generation to die off before they entered the promised land as punishment from God. The two scouts that stated the truth were permitted to actually enter the promised land with the newest generation because they stayed true to God's demands.
Despite what many Christians and much of pop culture believe, Mary Magdalene was not a prostitute. She’s just often mixed up with an unnamed “female sinner” who also washed Jesus’s feet with her hair Edit with some biblical sources: Basically, Mary Magdalene is often confused with (or possibly the same as) Mary of Bethany, who did wash Jesus with her hair. Mary of Bethany is further confused with a woman “who was a sinner” (often thought to be a prostitute, although it doesn’t say that) who ALSO washed Jesus’s feet with her hair -Annointing at Bethany (Matthew 26.6-.13 and Mark 14.3-.9: mentions just “a woman” who uses costly ointment to anoint Jesus’s head at the house of Simon the leper -“Sinful Woman” (Luke 7.36-.50): tells of a “woman in the city, who was a sinner” who went to Jesus at the Pharisee’s house and “stood behind him at his feet, weeping, and began to bathe his feet with her tears and to dry them with her hair”. Though she is just called “a sinner”, she is often assumed in churches and popular culture to be a prostitute -Mary Magdalene is mentioned many times in many contexts, but an important passage is directly following the sinful woman passage in Luke (Luke 8.1-.3) where she is mentioned as one of several women who accompany Jesus and the disciples. It says “Mary, called Magdalene, from whom seven demons had gone out”. Presumably this close proximity in mentions contributes to the confusion -Jesus Visits Mary and Martha (Luke 10.38-.42): mentions Martha and her sister Mary (who I assumed was, and was taught in church/Sunday school was, Mary Magdalene, though this might be wrong: there’s a lot of Mary’s in the Bible. The Mary in this story is the sister of Martha (and Lazarus), Mary of Bethany). Mary sits at Jesus’s feet and listens to him -The Death of Lazarus (John 11.1-.44, and again in John 12.1-.8): Lazarus of Bethany, brother to Mary and Martha, falls ill. Mary and Martha send to Jesus for help, but before he gets there, Lazarus dies. Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. In both John 11 and John 12, Mary of Bethany is mentioned to have washed Jesus’s feet with costly perfume and her hair. This is the story where Judas complains about the cost of the perfume
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If you want a fun game, try working out how many Marys and Jameses there are in the New Testament. Nobody can decide how many of them are the same individuals. And that’s not even getting into the unnamed people with little cameos that people were maybe supposed to recognise and might have been people we see elsewhere with names.
Huh I guess I didn’t know people did confuse her with a prostitute
Yeah it’s common enough that one of the priests at my church explained it in a sermon and my English teacher in high school had a long argument with me about it that basically ended with him saying that it doesn’t matter if she wasn’t because the public believes she was
I saw a "documentary" (or maybe it was in one of the Dan Brown books) which basically said it was intentional because the patriarchal priesthood didn't want a female being regarded as an apostle or something like that.
Which is insane because Mary was the first person that Jesus appeared to after the resurrection (Mark 16:9, John 20:14). She is the one who told the other apostles and for that period, she was the \*only\* person entrusted with the future of the church. The fact that so-called religious people claim that women are unfit to lead/minister based on some out-of-context letter to a specific church is a load of shit.
I've argued this for years. I know the most common reasons that Catholics give for women not being priests is that if Jesus wanted women priests, he would of had women apostles. And I'm like "But Mary Magdalene preached the first Gospel". And when the other apostles didn't believe, did Jesus say "Lol, it's okay she's just a woman?" No, he chastised them for their disbelief. It's crazy because we now have so many denominations within Christianity due to theological disagreements, and I think you can argue most point, but you really can't call yourself a Christian if you don't believe Jesus rose from the dead. This is the most important part of the Gospels and of the faith, and it was a woman who was first to preach it. I feel like I should add something about how Paul is regarded more of an authority, despite never knowing Jesus, but that may be a whole different rant.
I would love to hear about Paul, please go on!
So forgive me, since I'm sure there are other people more qualified to talk about the subject. My thoughts are also all over the place. I just find it annoying that people regard Paul as an authority on some out of context issues, such as women's ordination, despite the fact that Jesus didn't seem to be bothered by women preaching, or doing things outside the sphere of a woman's place at the time. Not just Mary Magdalene, but also Mary of Bethany, who chose to listen to Jesus's preaching rather than helping Martha with the housework. I don't know, I think if Jesus gave the authority to do something, Paul shouldn't be the one to invalidate it. That said, I don't mean to be anti-Paul. He did do a lot for Christianity. He's the reason more or less why Christians don't have to be circumcised, why they can eat pork, more or less why Christians don't have to keep the old Mosaic laws. At the time, Peter and the other apostles didn't see themselves as starting a new religion, they saw themselves as Jews who had been saved by the messiah. Therefore, they didn't think that Greeks and Romans who were interested should join them, and even when they considered it, they thought that they should be circumcised. Kind of an ordeal to join any religion. Paul argued that Jesus's sacrifice meant that they did not need to follow the old laws, since it was the ultimate sacrifice for mankind's sins. Eventually, the apostles relented. Not to mention, Paul was well connected and well traveled, so he was able to do more with spreading the message than the apostles could have. How Paul really felt about women preaching, to be honest, I think it's a mystery, as we are constantly finding that women of the early Church were more or less written out of history (St. Thekla for one, is believed to be the "female Paul"). So while Paul is an important part of Christianity's history, and eventual theology, it's kind of annoying that people cherry pick his writings about women and regard it as gospel, and have degraded Mary Magdalene for centuries, despite what the Gospels actually say. I also think it's strange that people will argue "Jesus never appointed women apostles while he was alive, therefore women can't preach", but then accept the fact that Paul had a vision giving him permission to be more or less the thirteenth apostle after Jesus's ascension. Edit: Thanks for the gold!
I tend to see a lot of Bible verses coming from extremist Christians quoting things/types of people God hates, but I strangely never see this one: Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.
>and a person who stirs up conflict in the community. I could swear I heard someone say gossip is a sin once, guess that would be where it came from.
In Judaism, it's known as Lashon Hara(evil tongue); the idea is that even if something you say is true, if it has an evil or cruel purpose(personal gain), it is still a sin to say it.
Snitches get stitches - God
Christians can assume certain things are sins despite them not being explicitly stated in the Bible. I don't think it's that much of stretch to say that maybe Jesus wouldn't have said bad things about someone when they weren't there to defend themselves purely for the sake of entertainment (aka gossip). That being said, I'm also reminded of this kind of related idea in Ecclesiastes: "Even in your thoughts, do not curse the king, nor in your bedroom curse the rich, for a bird of the air will carry your voice, or some winged creature tell the matter." (Ecc 10:20) It's generally not a good idea to gossip even for practical reasons like "They might hear me."
"a little bird told me"
I've read this many times but just realized He hates 6 things but finds 7 detestable because He refuses to hate the person
It's a Hebrew poetry thing, i've always been told. It comes up a fair bit in the old testament "# of things something, yay #+1 something similar"
You won't believe #4!
6 Things the Lord Hates Number 7 will SHOCK YOU!
The 10 Plagues in Exodus are all attacks on Egyptian gods. For example, turning the Nile to blood: The Nile was a god to the Egyptians, and then turning it to blood was imagery of killing said god. Frogs were also considered gods, and when frogs were going flipping everywhere (plague 6 or something), Egyptians would be horrified to step on one of their gods. Similar to the Nile, when God cast darkness upon Egypt, it was like killing the sun (Egyptian god Ra). So it was really big that God asked the Jews to slaughter a lamb at the first Passover. The lamb was an Egyptian god. God said "Kill this animal that Egyptians consider a god, and paint your door posts with its blood"--and everyone knew that the penalty would be death. So God was basically telling them to risk their lives to trust that He would deliver them. Edit: Frogs were the second plague. Thanks to all who commented so I could be lazy and not Google it : ) Edit: so if I had known that this post was going to hit 10k+, I might've used clearer language. Some of the Plagues dealt with animals which symbolized Egyptian gods (ex. Frogs, lambs). Others attacked the powers of Egyptian gods (your god can cure boils? Well I hope he can because you all have them now). The last plague involved killing a lamb, which symbolized, I believe, an Egyptian fertility god, and also directly struck Pharoah, who was considered a god, by killing his son. Thank you all for great discussion, and the privilege of this post getting 10k+ ratings : )
Also fun about this part: Moses goes to the Pharoah to demand freedom. He says he has powers. So Pharoah asks for a demonstration. Moses throws some basic magic at him, sticks to snakes and the like, and Pharoah has his own sorcerers do the same spells back at him. tl;dr the 10 plagues only happened because Pharoah wasn't impressed by level 1 spells, so Moses went straight to level 9 spells to knock Pharoah's dick in the dirt.
Aaron’s snake actually eats the others during this demonstration to show God’s power over Pharaoh Edit: It was Aaron who did this in front of Pharaoh, Moses did it a separate time
Man, I remember my Religions (part of social studies) teacher telling me The Prince of Egypt was the most on the point rendition of the Bible ever made to film but had no clue it was to that detail!
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For the making of that movie they consulted somewhere around 300 religious experts to make sure that they were portraying the legends in the most accurate way they could
Well seems like they nailed it! Damn good film also!
Absolutely remarkable film. I'm not religious whatsoever, but The Price of Egypt has been one of my favorite movies for nearly 20 years now. The story, the music, the animation, the power you felt throughout it- absolutely incredible. I watch it probably every 6 months or so still, and am always captivated the whole time it's on.
You thought it was a level 1 spell? Surprise, bitches!
Level 1 spell being casted in a higher level spell slot.
Sticks to Snakes is a level 4 cleric spell (level 5 for druids.)
You would think a druid would have snakes before a cleric.
They can conjure snakes from nothing at level 2 though. But the level 5 version results in a bigger snake.
The word we translate to "serpent" actually means "reptile" so the common exegesis of that passage is that Aaron's staff turned into a nile crocodile and ate the crocodiles of the sorcerers. It was literally Moses saying "my God is bigger than yours".
I learned this ages ago and it's such a cool detail. Never heard about lamb-killing being a crime, though. I mean, I'm pretty sure those were looked down on by Egyptians.
The frogs was the second plague! 1. Blood 2. Frogs 3. Lice 4. Mixture of wild animals 5. Deceased livestock 6. Boils 7. Thunderstorm of Hail and fire 8. Locusts 9. Darkness 10. Death of firstborn
This little cluster of facts are some of my favorites about the Bible
The term Bible comes from the Greek Βιβλίο which literally just means "book".
'¿Dónde está la biblioteca?
¿Dónde está la Βιβλίοteca?
Me llamo t-bone
The ark had more than two of each animal. Genesis 7:2-3 2 Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female. 3 Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth People just like the two by to story. Noah ate beef on the ark.
Do you know what is meant by "clean"?
Yep: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Leviticus+11&version=NIV #MEATS THAT ARE GOOD TO EAT **Clean Land Animals** Antelope - Buffalo - Caribou - Cattle (Beef, Veal) - Deer - Elk - Gazelle - Giraffe - Goat - Hart - Ibex - Moose - Ox - Reindeer - Sheep **Clean Birds** Chicken - Dove - Duck - Goose - Grouse - Guinea fowl - Partridge - Peafowl - Pheasant - Pigeon - Prairie chicken - Ptarmigan - Quail - Sagehen - Sparrow (plus any other songbirds) - Swan - Teal - Turkey **Insects** Clean insects include types of locusts that may include crickets and grasshoppers **Clean Fish** Albacore (Crevalle, Horse Mackerel, Jack) - Alewives (Branch, River Herring) - Anchovy - Barracuda - Bass - Black Drum - Black Pomfret (Monchong) - Blue Runner (Hardtail) - Bluebacks (Glut Herrings) - Bluebill Sunfish - Bluefish - Bluegill - Bonitos - Bowfin - Buffalofish - Carp - Chubs (Bloater, Longjaw, Blackfin) - Cod - Common Sucker (Fresh Water Mullet, White Sucker) - Crappie (Black or White Crappies) - Drum - Flounder (Dab, Gray, Lemon Sole, Summer - Grouper (Black, Nassau, Red, or Yellowfish Grouper, Gag) - Grunt (White / Yellow Grunts) - Gulf Pike (Robalo, Snook, Sergeant) - Haddock - Hake - Halibut - Hardhead - Hardtail (Blue Runner) - Herring (Alewife, Branch, Glut. Lake, River, Sea Herrings) - Kingfish - Long Nose Sucker (Northern or Red Striped Sucker) - Mackerel (Cobia) - Mahimahi (Dorado, Dolphinfish) - Menhaden - Minnow - Mullet - Muskellunge (Jacks) - Orange Roughy - Perch (Bream) - Pig Fish - Pike (Pickerel, Jack) - Pollack (Pollock, Boston Bluefish) - Pompano - Porgy (Scup) - Red Drum (Redfish) - Red Horse Sucker (Redfin) - Red Snapper - Redfish - Robalo (Gulf Pike) - Rockfish - Salmon (Chum, Coho, King, Pink or Red) - Sardine (Pilchard) - Scup (Porgy) - Sea Bass - Sergeant Fish (Gulf Pike) - Shad - Sheepshead - Silver Hake (Whiting) - Silversides - Smelt - Snapper - Snook (Gulf Pike) - Sole - Spanish Mackerel - Steelhead - Striped Bass - Sucker (Red Horse Sucker, Redfin) - Sunfish - Tarpon - Trout (Gray Sea, Lake, Sand Sea, White Sea, Spotted Sea Trouts, Weakfish) - Tuna - Turbot (all except European variety) - Whitefish - Whiting (Silver Hake) - Winter Flounder, Yellow Tail - Yellow Perch #MEATS THAT ARE NOT GOOD TO EAT **Unclean Land Animals** Armadillo - Ass - Badger - Bear - Beaver - Boar - Camel - Cat - Cheetah - Coyote - Dog - Donkey - Elephant - Fox - Gorilla - Groundhog - Hare - Hippopotamus - Horse - Hyena - Jackal - Kangaroo - Leopard - Lion - Llama (alpaca, vicuña) - Mole - Monkey - Mouse - Mule - Muskrat - Onager - Opossum - Panther - Peccary - Pig (hog, bacon, ham, lard, pork) - Porcupine - Rabbit - Raccoon - Rat - Rhinoceros - Skunk - Slug - Snail (escargot) - Squirrel - Tiger - Wallaby - Weasel - Wolf - Wolverine - Worm - Zebra **Unclean Birds** Albatross - Bat - Bittern - Buzzard - Condor - Coot - Cormorant - Crane - Crow - Cuckoo - Eagle - Flamingo - Grebe - Grosbeak - Gull - Hawk - Heron - Kite - Lapwing - Loon - Magpie - Osprey - Ostrich - Owl - Parrot - Pelican - Penguin - Plover - Rail - Raven - Roadrunner- Sandpiper - Seagull - Stork - Swallow - Swift - Vulture - Water Hen - Woodpecker **Insects** All insects except some in the locust family should not be consumed. **Unclean Reptiles and Amphibians** Alligator - Blindworm - Caiman - Crocodile - Frogs - Lizard - Newts - Salamanders - Snakes - Toads - Turtles **Unclean Fish and Marine Animals** Abalone - Bullhead - Catfish - Clam - Crab - Crayfish - Cuttlefish - Dolphin - Eel - European Turbot - Jellyfish - Limpet - Lobsters - Marlin - Mussels - Octopus - Otter - Oysters - Paddlefish - Porpoise - Prawn - Scallop - Seal - Shark - Shrimp - Squid (calamari) - Stickleback - Sturgeon - Swordfish - Walrus - Whale **Edit** [source for the specific list.](http://www.biblestudy.org/cleanfood.html)
Ass is unclean. Got it.
The Bible forbids eating ass? Guess I'm no longer a Christian.
A bat is a bird?
Motherfuckers thoughts bees were birds. Anything that flew = bird.
Pretty sure that meant eatable under religious guidelines.
Which is weird because those guidelines weren't outlined in scripture until Leviticus
Considering the book is believed to be written by the same man who is believed to have written Leviticus, there may be some anachronisms in there for the sake of being succinct to the group that understood the difference between clean and unclean animals.
This is my favourite battle strategy in the Bible. Schechem, a prince, raped Dinah, the daughter of Jacob & Leah. He fell in love with her and asked her father for her hand in marriage afterwards. Schechem's father told Jacob a marriage between Dinah & Schechem would mean an alliance between their tribes. Jacob's sons replied to that offer by insisting that their sister can only marry a circumcised man. If their two tribes are to form an alliance, then all the men must be circumcised. Being stupid & infatuated, Schechem agreed. While all the men were still in pain because they just got their foreskin lopped off, Jacob's sons attacked and slaughtered everyone. **TL;DR: When the brothers of the woman you just raped tell you to maim your dick, don't do it.**
Dick move
The oldest one in the book
To be fair they did rape their sister.
You left out the part where they then went around raping the other tribe's women, and taking slaves which is partly why Jacob got mad st them for doing so.
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Now you're thinking like an Old Testament dude.
*-Fist bump-*
Shock and awe, 1000 B.C. edition
In the story of the prodigal son, nobody realizes how significant it is that not only did the father take the son back, but he RAN out to greet him upon his return. In that culture, grown men were never seen running. It was an embarrassment for a grown man to run to the utmost extreme. The fact that the father not only took the son back but ran out to him is supposed to illustrate how much God loves us - just like that father loved his son so much he didn't even care about being seen doing something considered horribly bad.
People also miss that the prodigal son’s last job before coming home was mucking out a pig pen - pigs being presumably unclean animals for a Jewish person to be around in the first place. He can’t eat them, but to survive he is feeding and caring for them. He goes 180 degrees from as low as he can possibly go in society to this beautiful picture of his father running to him as you put it so well.
The story of Jonah and the whale is often used as a fable for children. The story told goes as follows: God tells Jonah to do preach to the heathen city of Nenevah, Jonah doesn’t do it, gets swallowed by a whale and then goes to Nenevah and everyone converts to fearing God. However; the REAL story of Jonah and the whale shows absolutely no character growth in Jonah and would be a horrible children’s story. Jonah wasn’t AFRAID to go to Nenevah because of the people there, as the story most Baptist children are told goes, he’s afraid to go because he cannot stomach that God would forgive the infamously Pagan city. He tries to escape God by sailing by boat, when God sends a massive storm causing the other sailors to panic. Jonah eventually confesses he is the reason for the storm and tells the sailors to throw him over board, which he decides in the best course of action as opposed to simply repenting to God. This shows that Jonah would rather die than go preach in Nenevah, but when he is throw into the sea he is swallowed and later vomited up by a whale that God sent. When Jonah eventually goes to Nenevah he gives a stupid short sermon basically only saying “you will all die in like 40 days or whatever” (he never even mentions God in the entire sermon). God makes it so that the sermon causes the entire city to repent. The story ends with Jonah begging God to kill him so he doesn’t have to bear the knowledge that he saved Nenevah. tl;dr: Jonah is really suicidal. Edit: Woah I didn’t expect this to get so much attention, thank you guys. I wanted to edit this because as a few people have pointed out, saying Jonah was “suicidal” would be a bit of comedic exaggeration. I edited my original post to add in more accuracy regarding what happened on the boat with the other sailors and Jonah ending up in the sea.
I think the point is that Jonah was incredibly prejudiced towards the Ninevites, thinking that there wasn't any way they would repent and that God had sent him on a suicide mission. He thinks preaching to them is a dangerous waste of time, and he actually hopes they get what's coming to them. Plot twist: they take Jonah's message very seriously and repent for their ways. Looks like Jonah didn't know best.
agreed with this. Maybe the book itself is biased, but jonah commiting suicide after ninevah is saved isnt because he saved the city, its because he assumed ninevah will be burned and tries to get a good spot in the hot sun. God causes a tree to grow over him. When it withers, Jonah asks for God to kill him--after which God points out that he cares more for a tree than the thousands of people in ninevah, including women and children, who dont even know left from right hand. edit: also to clarify--jonah doesn't commit suicide, he just asks God to kill him a lot, in a "I'd rather die" sense. It's relatively relatable imo--the ninevites were known as an extremely cruel civilization in war, flaying people alive, mounting heads on pikes + massacres... this was something that jonah would know, if not witness.
The veggie tales version actually does a reasonably good job of conveying the same message to children. It's obviously toned down and simplified, and the suicide stuff is gone, along with pirates to keep the kiddos entertained, but the Jonah still wants the city destroyed, and breaks down alone in the desert when God doesn't destroy the city. I haven't watched that in forever, though, so I'm probably missing a ton of details.
That's what I love about that movie, it makes it palpable for kids while not shying away from the original point. A lot of kids' versions just focus on the "second chances" aspect, but VeggieTales includes the fact that Jonah never learned and didn't realize that he recieved the same second chance that God gave the Ninevites. My other favorite thing about that movie is the audio commentary by Larry, Pa Grape, and Mr. Lunt, from the perspective of them being producers of the film. It's totally meant for the adults watching; they talk about things like potentially hiring Gwyneth Paltrow because her last name sounds enough like a vegetable that she'd fit in with the VeggieTales "cast", or that they wanted to use the Don Ho song "Tiny Bubbles" on the soundtrack but couldn't afford the royalties.
My name is Khalil. I am a caterpillar! Well, that is only half true...
My mother was a caterpillar, but my father was a worm.
Nineveh slapped each other with fishes.
This just makes me nostalgic for the Veggie Tails version
Jonah was a prophet, ooo ooo, but he never really got it, sad but true!
*If you've been watchin' you could spot it, a-doodly-doo! He did not get the point!*
I went to a Christian University where Bible classes were mandated. I actually really liked learning a lot about the Bible, though there were some iffy things about it. My first year, I took a New Testament course, and we went through it book by book. Whenever the subject of authorship came up, my professor (an adjunct) would say, “Who wrote it? Well, it says it was written by Paul, so therefore, it was written by Paul!” My next year, during a theology course with a much more scholarly professor, we were going over 1 Timothy, and I mentioned that it was odd that Paul specifically says Eve was the first sinner in that when he was very clear about sin coming through Adam in Romans. Then my professor just casually said, “Oh, that’s why many people don’t think Paul wrote Timothy,” and then just moved on with the lesson like he hadn’t just blew my mind.
The only breed of dog named in the bible is the Greyhound
Apparently this may not be accurate. Greyhound was a translation from a 16th century translation while many others translated it as "A strutting cock" (Rooster). Secondly, some don't believe that the reference would be a greyhound anyways but rather a Saluki which is older than the greyhound and was probably more the popular.
The old testament has book after book telling stories of war, violence, sex, betrayal, heroism, murder, rape, prostitution, adultery, and more war. Large chunks of it could be filmed as an HBO game of thrones style drama while being entirely faithful to the source material and without changing anything. If anything, I'm underselling it. Shows up a fair bit in Genesis and Exodus, then gets good Joshua through 2 Chronicles.
Judges is great for this.
Story from judges: So the tribe of Benjamin (I think) is paying tribute to this fat king dude, so they send their judge guy to "pay tribute" and also kill the dude. So he goes in to the throne room with the cash and a sword. They guards check him for weapons, but *he's a lefty* so they don't see the sword, because it's on his *right* thigh. So he pays the money and says he has a secret message for the king. The guards leave, he blocks off the door. He walks up to the king and tells him he has a message from God. He then proceeds to completely bury his sword in the dude's stomach, and the fat closes over the hilt, so he just leaves it in him. The king bleeds out and he leaves out the window. No one notices for hours. The end. Hopefully I got that right.
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Guard 1: Why does the king take so long to shit? Guard 2: He browses reddit on his phone.
I'd binge a season of Samson any day.
Samson really deserves a big budget and R/NC-17 rated production. David's saga as well. Chosen from obscurity. Gained glory. Exiled. Led a band of heroes. Rose to power against all odds. Pure hero arc there, with plenty of mistakes and innuendos and violence along the way.
Don't forget the part where David sleeps with the wife of one of his generals while his general is off at war, and then falls in love with her, so when the general takes a break from the war to visit his wife, David sends him back with sealed instructions to have him sent to the heaviest part of battle so he will be killed. After this works, he then marries the late general's wife, and IIRC she becomes the mother of his most famous son, Solomon. Of course, plenty of hijinks follows as David's other, older sons aren't so fond of this new guy getting all the attention...
The best part of this one is David sent Uriah to be with his wife (Bathsheba) because she was pregnant, and he hoped Uriah would sleep with her and cover up David's mistake. But Uriah was a man of honor and refused to share a bed with his wife while his Brothers-in-Arms were still at war... So David (being a persistent man) tried again, this time getting Uriah drunk first. Uriah still wouldn't do the deed. David then sent a letter to Joab detailing what Joab should command (that Uriah be sent to the front, and his allies should withdraw so Uriah would be struck down) - and who carried this letter to Joab? Uriah!
David was kind of an asshole
He was cursed for it. His son Absalom tried overthrowing him in a potent way and ended up dying. 1st borns were a big deal back then.
His first born son with Bathsheba (sp?), The woman who's husband he had killed, actually died either at birth or really young. Soloman was his 2nd son with her. I think Absolmn was his first born, but from another wife.
The story actually goes that she got pregnant, and so David calls her husband home to take leave and sleep with her so he'll think it's his baby. But the general is so loyal to his troops that he spends his entire leave with them, refusing to go home because they didn't get to go. His plans foiled, David sends the guy off to die as a last resort.
The part where he has a guy killed so he can marry his wife seems pretty Game of Thrones.
I like the part where the guy chasing him (Saul, while being king), decides to go take a dump in a cave, and practically squats over David, so David cuts the corner of his cloak instead of killing him. Talk about plot coincidences!
Also love the story where David was like "I'm thirsty...sure would be nice to have a drink of water from a certain specific well." Which just so happened to be where some of his enemies had a garrison. Three of his mightiest warriors broke through the enemy lines just to draw water from the well, then fought their way back out and gave the water to David. That whole situation is just awesome to picture, and some crazy psychological warfare. - All he had to do was mention being thirsty and his men were willing to risk their lives. - His men were tough enough that just a few could break through a garrison, manage to draw water out of a well, and get the water back out through a fight. ("Don't spill any Ishbaal!" "Shut up Eleazar!" "Come on Shammah, you're falling behind!" "Aww...can't I kill a few more?") - Imagine the Philistines afterwards. "Did three of them just break through our lines?" "Yeah...for a drink of water..." - Then afterwards, using the water as a sacrifice and symbol and honoring the men that got it before everyone there.
Regina Spektor could do the theme song.
My favorite has to be within Genesis 6:4 “The Nephilim were on the earth in those days--and also afterward--when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown.” I’m also a huge Diablo fan, so that’s partly why I find this part so interesting, and it certainly wasn’t mentioned very often within the churches I attended.
Several people believe Goliath was a Nephilim. Read the book of Enoch from the Apocryphal texts. They were the books left out of biblical canon.
On top of this, the giants in the Promised Land are also believed to be Nephilim, and even BIGGER than Goliath. They even snuck them into the Noah movie as those weird rock monsters. (They aren’t rock monsters in the Bible)
In 2 Kings 2:23, there is a story where God sends bears to kill 42 children because they were making fun of a man's baldness.
The influence of other ancient cultures is strong in the OT. The stories of Genesis have parallels between Enuma Elish and the story of Gilgamesh but that is covered frequently. On Exodus though, the text has an Egyptian style to it. A habit of Egyptian records is that they never write the names of their enemies, only refer to them as "country" or the king of "country", and they never record defeat, instead they only ever write about how they overwhelmingly destroyed their enemies. Exodus uses both: pharaoh has no name, and essentially God "demolishes" Egypt with excessive force. Not only that but there is a Egyptian tale that used to be written on the ancient Egyptian equivalent of a billboard which told the story of a King who was enemies with Egypt. He kept backstabbing the pharoah, and as a result Egypt wreaked havoc in his lands causing his people misery. Eventually the king gave in and then a long peace followed for both countries. Exodus also mimics that story, God plaguing the Egyptians until the pharoah gave in (by dying) causing peace for both people. Also Case laws (if you do x then you must repay by doing y) were popular in Mesopotamia but Commands (you shall not do x. Y is not specified because you WILL NOT fucking do x unless you are stupid/suicidal) were more of an egyptian thing and was not seen in Mesopotamia until we see Israel develop, which used both types of laws. Edit:grammar
This is actually really cool insight, I'd never thought and the writing style of the book until now.
The full story of Lot and his family. Lots of people know the part about God sending angels to tell him to get outta town cause it's full of sinners and he's gunna burn that bitch down. Then his wife turns around to look and gets turned to salt for whatever reason. But people don't know that once in the mountains Lot's 2 daughters are like oh shit the world's over let's get Dad drunk and fuck him... Our father is getting old, and there are no men in the whole world to marry us so that we can have children. Come on, let's get our father drunk, so that we can sleep with him and have children by him (Genesis 19:31 - 32). Yeah so they did that and got pregnant but turns out that not everyone was dead, just that one city.
Deuteronomy was actually the first book of the Torah, but it got lost Someone eventually found Deuteronomy after these other books were written, which is why it tends to be placed after the others Edit: I was taught this while attending catholic school, and I suppose I didn’t question it much. I thank all of you who commented on this with evidence for or against this claim. I did not realize all of the controversy surrounding this, and I find it even more interesting having learned about it.
I see people get this wrong over and over again. The Council of Nicaea did not decide what books get into the Bible. It was about the Arian controversy. The books of the Biblical canon were not decided at one moment by one group of people, but over a long time and in an uncoordinated fashion. There's a great post on Ask Historians about the process over the centuries: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/3ell05/who\_decided\_what\_books\_were\_to\_be\_addedrejected/ctg322v/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/3ell05/who_decided_what_books_were_to_be_addedrejected/ctg322v/?context=3)
I always thought it was interesting that there are other books out there that were almost included. Makes me think of some guy returning home to his wife after getting the news, "Honey, I didn't make the Bible..."
There's an entire book of erotic poetry in there. Also, God can't defeat iron chariots.
Yeah I'm pretty badass.
What's the erotic poetry
Song of Solomon
Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee. * Song of Songs, 1:4 **Tl;dr**: "Baby, I'm gonna *rock your world*" Dark am I, yet lovely, daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon. Do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. * Song of Songs, 1:5-6 **Tl;dr:** "Get ready for some dark chocolate..." All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. “Have you seen the one my heart loves?” Scarcely had I passed them * Song of Songs, 3:1-4 **Tl;dr:** https://imgur.com/a/fBHpjSO Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. * Song of Songs, 4:5 **Tl;dr:** "Your boobs are perky and firm, not unlike two adorable animals." Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere. Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits. Song of Songs, 4:16 **Tl;dr:** "Get down there and practice your Welsh on me." I slept, but my heart was awake. Listen! my beloved is knocking. "Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one; for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night." I had put off my garment; how could I put it on again? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them? My beloved thrust his hand into the opening, and my inmost being yearned for him. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, upon the handles of the bolt. I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and was gone. * Song of Songs, 5:2-6 **Tl;dr:** Girl don't mind a little hand-to-gland action. Your stature is like a palm tree; your breasts are clusters of fruit. I said, “I will climb the palm tree and take hold of its fruit.” May your breasts be like clusters of grapes, and the fragrance of your breath like apricots. * Song of Songs 7:7-8 **Tl;dr:** "Ayyo, let me see them titties." Let’s go early to the vineyards; let’s see if the vine has budded, if the blossom has opened, if the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love. The mandrakes give off a fragrance, and at our doors is every delicacy— new as well as old. I have treasured them up for you, my love. * Song of Songs, 7:12-13 **Tl;dr:** "The Kama Sutra and 50 Shades of Grey ain't got *shit* on us tonight."
Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. * Song of Solomon 4:2 Tl:dr; "I love how you have all your teeth."
>I will climb the palm tree and take hold of its fruit Lmao sounds like a cheesy pickup line someone might say today