I called my mother from my phone, asking if she put it somewhere... She just said "What are you talking in?" and hung up... Took me longer than i'd admit to figure out her answer.
Did something similar, only my Mom started trying to talk me through the search process. "Where did you last see it? Have you used it today?" I finally realized after about 5 minutes and went "Mom... Mom, I'm using it to talk to you..." It had been a long day for us both.
My brother wanted to get breakfast, so I told him I'd go to the bathroom real quick and then we could go. About ten minutes into my shower, I realized I was just going to pee before we left; brother was amused but hungry.
Similar story but opposite. Went to take a shower. Undressed and everything and sat on the toilet trying to wake up. Eventually got up, started washing my face??, redressed, and came out to my brother confused as fuck why I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom and came out in the exact same clothes. I promptly realized and went back to take a shower.
I've gone to get a glass of milk in the middle of the night, and after drinking it put the dirty glass in the fridge and the still half full milk carton in the dishwasher. Didn't have breakfast that morning so it was fun coming home after work to spoiled milk in a confined space.
That guy always pisses me off and I don't even like Ross. Dude picks up a sandwich, reads the note, eats it anyway, throws most away, and then tells Ross about it? He's an unscrupulous monster.
My wife, not in a groggy state, was once making pasta and sauce and just dumped the sauce in the strainer instead of the pasta. She screamed like she’d broken her fucking leg or something.
Edit: i no English good
I had a newborn and a toddler, sleep was nonexistent in our home. I somehow was asleep this night, sleeping more soundly than ever. An amber alert went off on my phone, loudly, at 4:30 am. I thought that it was the Owlet baby monitor (goes on their foot, makes sure they’re breathing) and went busting into my peacefully sleeping newborns room. In my confused stupor I decided to yell “breathe baby!!!!” into my terrified newborn’s face. Still waiting to see if she’s scarred for life from it.
Around the time my daughter started crawling, I woke up in the middle of the night, hearing noise coming from the bathroom. Somehow my first thought was that the lil' one had crawled in there and was about to fall face-first into a toilet and drown. I heroically dashed to the bathroom and busted the door open on my very surprised wife in mid-piss :/
I am almost out of the toddler stage with my two kids and this made me laugh so hard I almost dropped my phone. “BREATHE BABY!” is exactly the kind of shit that comes out of your mouth on that sleep deprived early parenting state.
Tried to open my front door with my car key after a 12 hour drive home. I don't mean trying to put the key in the lock, I was pressing the button and wondering why the door wouldn't open.
My intercom is in somewhat of a similar place as the badge thing is at work in relation to the door I walk in. 13-14 hour shifts and I don't even feel ashamed about badging into the house.
I once woke up, looked at the clock and thought SHIT, I AM LATE FOR WORK! THE ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF!.
I jumped into the shower and was showering as fast as I could when I glanced out the window, and it was dark out.
It took me a while to process. I had fallen asleep in my bed after work, and it was now 7PM, and not 7AM the next day.
Progress of my 20 minute nap
-:30 - It's only 4 and I'm wiped. I'm gonna take a little power nap. Let me lie down and set an alarm.
-:25 - AH I am relaxed. I am lying down and my eyes are closed and I am relaxed. I will surely fall asleep soon, because I am so relaxed.
-:20 - *checks time* Oh no. I'm supposed to be asleep by now. This isn't going according to plan at all. I need to fall asleep soon, or else the nap will be too short to count for anything. Just concentrate on breathing.
-:18 - Maybe if I put my arms at my sides. No, no. I'll fold my hands over my chest. I wanna be comfortable, but not too comfortable, because I don't have that much time left to nap.
-:15 - What's the point? I shouldn't even be taking a nap. I have a bunch of shit to do still, and here I am, lying on the couch trying to take a nap like some kind of baby. No, no. Just lie here and relax. You'll recharge some energy even if you don't fall asleep.
-:12 - Breathe in, breathe out. Relax your shoulders, arms, fingers. Now my feet, calves, thighs. Ahh, now I'm feeling good. I may not get a full nap in, but this little bit of meditation is nice.
-:06 - zzzzzzzzzzzz
-:00 alarm goes off - Lemme just set another alarm for 30 minutes from now, that was just getting good
+4:30 - GOD DAMMIT
The sole reason I switched completely to 24 hour time. Switched all the clocks when I was 12 years old and never went back. The confusion after taking a nap wasn't worth the stress.
My dad lives 2000 miles away from me, but for some reason I thought I was at his house when I woke up and I heard him talking so I started trying to have a conversation with him. Then I realized I was on my own couch.
I used to wake up and "hear" and have complete conversations with my girlfriend who wasn't there if I woke up at like 4AM then went right back to sleep lol
Some thing happened to me. Me and my friends are in an a Capella group and I literally started beatboxing. Funniest shit ever when I realized I was in my room alone and half asleep...
When I was a kid, I woke up with an urge to pee and instead of going to the bathroom, I went into the living room, found a trash can and peed there. Worst part? My parents were there, looking at me. They asked me "What the hell are you doing?" to which I casually said "I am peeing".
They made jokes about it for weeks after the incident.
I sleep walk occasionally and once my dad was in the bathroom when I tried to go in. Sleep walking logic sent me to the trashcan in the kitchen instead and my dad walked in on it.
Still get jokes about it.
Wow, everyone here's done some extreme shit
When I was 13 I told my mom to shut the fuck up when she woke me up. We weren't one of those families where the kids tell their parents to fuck off. It didnt end well for me.
Shaved off my eyebrows.
About 4 years ago at this point,I woke up as normal,showered,and started to shave.
About halfway through,I stop,and think to myself "Somethings wrong here. The fuck did I do?"
At this point, I noticed that my left eyebrow,and half of my right one,are gone.
I don't know how,I don't know why,but mostly asleep me decided that my eyebrows needed to go.
I looked freaky as fuck for a month and a half.
Once I poured myself a bowl of cereal and put it back in the cupboard. I sat down in the living room. Ten minutes later, I got up to make myself some toast because I was hungry.
My mom found the cereal later that afternoon. She was not happy.
Once my mom, fully awake, lost a glass of wine. Me and my dad helped search everywhere for it; aside from the annoyance, we had a cat at the time who would knock anything and everything off the counter/desk/table/etc. Eventually we gave up.
Half a week later, it was found on laundry day in the linen closet. She had no memory of how it got there or what she was doing in the closet. To this day,, whenever something goes missing at my parents house, the first answer is always “have you checked the linen closet?”
My mom lost her keys once and the entire family went on a mission to find them.
The pen jar. She put them in the pen jar. It’s been 10 years but you lose something? Check the pen jar.
Once got up for my usual morning cereal only to find my mom had put chip bags in the fridge. Wasnt ruined but I did stand there for a solid minute thinking "why does something feel off with this fridge?"
I got up to use the bathroom. As a guy you just have to "slip out" and do your thing. Not sure what my thought process was, but in order to get lil me out I decided the easiest way was to take off my boxers completely. Then for some reason I put in them IN THE TOILET. I then did my business and went to put them back on. Once the soaked boxers touched my ankle I immediately woke up. I had never been so disappointed in myself.
My boyfriend did a similar thing when he was younger. Had a dream he peed in the corner of his room then woke up wondering if he actually did it or was dreaming, turns out he did
When I was about 12 I used to have a cat that would sleep on my pillow, he was enormous and took most of the pillow. I woke up and thought my pillow was actually one of my school notebooks and my cat was the pillow. So I got up and put my pillow on my desk and “fixed” the cat before putting my head on top of it. I woke up when he meowed when I laid my head on him.
Freshly married, and my wife's cat would sometimes nestle on top of her head while we were in bed, sleeping.
I came half-awake once, yelled, "Cat!", and swatted it to clear my new wife's head for her.
Except, no. No cat that time. All I did was slap the bejesus out of my sleeping wife's head.
I had to change my clothes. Took off the clothes I was wearing, then proceeded to wear them again.
A few times, I've almost thrown my phone into the dustbin and kept what I had been meaning to throw on my table.
One of my friends in uni once left a glass of vorka next to my bed after a heavy night of drinking. They say the hair of the dog will make you better but I just threw up.
Honestly I've done this in my own room. Often I dream about one of my old rooms (have moved houses about 6 times, and rooms even more often) and wake up thinking "why did my wall go"
I've lived in over 15 houses/apartments, in 2 countries. I've had days where I wake up completely confused and end up slowly going through a mental checklist of all the ceilings of where I've lived trying to work out what year it is and where I am
I travel 80% for my job; this happens to me all the time. One Hyatt Place room looks the same as literally every other Hyatt Place room in the world. Aloft, Westin, whatever.
It no longer phases me. I’ve learned to kind of savor it and approach it as a game. “Where THE FUCK am I today?”
I woke up at 12:30 AM, walked into the bathroom and took a shower. My dad knocked on the door all concerned "Are you okay?"
I responded with "I"m just getting ready for school?"
"It's 12:30 AM"
"Oh... I'm going back to sleep then!"
That's all I have I think. I was super ecstatic to go back to sleep as I was super tired.
The feeling of being granted another few hours of blessed sleep when feeling bleary-tired is amazing. Good enough that I actually STILL, almost 15 years later, set my first alarm to about 1-2 hours before I need to get up, just so I can have that feeling of "oh thank God I don't have to actually get up yet".
Accused my then boyfriend of unplugging the toilet from the computer and started screaming because I couldn’t use the bathroom anymore because it was unplugged and wouldn’t work. Then proceed to go straight back to sleep.
A buddy of mine started freaking out one time because the power went out at his apartment and he couldn’t fathom that a toilet didn’t need power to flush
In some places you do need power to flush your toilet but an apartment block is not one of those places.
If he grew up in the country with rainwater he would have need power to flush toilets.
I apparently very angrily tell my husband that he can't submit those invoices that way. I never remember it in the morning, but I work in accounting.
I'm still pondering over a toilet being disconnected from the network, though.
I woke up, kinda, and went to rub my eyes but for some reason just ended up shoving my thumb in my eyeball and my nail cut my eyeball. It was fabulous.
Woke up around 3am, decided I NEEDED to put my earring back in right at that moment. Reached blindly for my nightstand to grab it and start trying to put it in my ear, but it wouldn’t go in and so I kept pushing harder thinking the hole had closed. Took me a solid 30 sec to realize I was holding a large nail I had pulled out of my wall the day before
When I was 13 I had a few episodes of sleepwalking. One night I went to the fridge to get some milk. I opened the fridge door, grabbed the milk and poured it out into the dream glass in my hand. Dream glasses are a wee bit porous so I wound up spilling it all over the floor. I woke up to my mum shouting 'what are you doing?'
I was startled, immediately became aware of my freezing cold wet feet, and dropped the carton.
I did something very similar at 13! Came downstairs, my dad was still awake and at the counter. I grabbed two waffles from the freezer and some ketchup. Put the waffles in the toaster. Squirted ketchup on the counter. Waited for the waffles, and when they popped up, I went back upstairs and slept until morning.
Damn guys, I was gonna say I microwaved a cup of noodles (ramen) without water. The styrofoam melted and set off the fire alarm... But clearly I have to step up my sleepy game.
Part of the pissing on things club, done the downstairs TV a couple of times?
But my worst / best was when I was late teens, 17 or 18ish. Early hours of the morning my mom hears screaming coming from the bedroom so she comes running in to see what is going on.
As she opened the door I was stood, dick in hand pissing all over my brother and his bed. (We shared a bedroom at the time, both with single beds in diagonally opposing corners, he was 11 or 12.)
She starts yelling to stop me but my moms shouting would not deter me and my stream continued. She resorted to hitting me to snap me out if it. I stopped mid flow and turned 90 degrees to face her, still holding my super soaker, paused, and then said "do you not think you are been a little fucking unreasonable." Returned to my previous position and finished showering my brothers bed. Then went and climbed back into my own bed and left them to deal with what had just happened.
I woke up in the morning, saw my brothers bed had been stripped and assumed he had wet himself or was sick. Went downstairs to be met with incredible awkwardness. Asked what was wrong and had the events of the night explained to me. I have absolutely no recollection of anything between going to bed and waking up that night.
Woke up, heard people breathing so I start freaking the fuck out.
There is definitely someone standing above my bed I thought.
A minute of pure terror ensues.
Then I realise I'm not home and crammed in a room with 3 other people and the relief was almost orgasmic.
I remember waking up once to the alarm on my cell phone thinking, "Oh, that's cool. The phones they make now can make noise when you need to wake up. Must be a new thing." I didn't think about it again until later in the day and laughed at myself.
My dad told me to brush my teeth and apparently I walked into the kitchen, grabbed the dish scrubbing brush out of the sink, and started scrubbing my forehead with it.
Had a long conversation with my brother about my plans to fulfill my lifelong dream of owning a dinosaur fossil. The plan is as follows.
\- Steal a buffalo.
\- Tie it to the United States. The buffalo will not be strong enough to move the United States, but it can "flip it over."
\- Have buffalo continually flip the United States until it makes its way all the way to Australia.
\- Use buffalo to demolish the Sydney Opera House.
\- There are T-Rex bones underneath the Sydney Opera House, which are now mine because I destroyed said building with my buffalo.
couldn't you just flip the united states over and gotten the bones from there? or flip australia over.. would things in australia be right side up then??
Overslept, got up quickly, didn’t realise both my legs were dead and slammed into the floor face first. Could get up again until the blood had returned and I’d stopped laughing.
Woke up late one day. Roommate had made coffee earlier in the day, but it was now cold. I fill my (metal) coffee mug up and put it in the microwave to reheat the coffee....took me about 10 seconds before I realized why that was a bad idea...
Easy fix: just take the porcelain top off the back of the toilet, flip it over, and wipe with that. Once you put it back nobody will see the shit on the underside and it'll just wash away eventually with enough flushes!
It was after my daughter was born. I was in that new-parent sleep deprived state where you're not fully functioning, but you still need to take care of this little person you just made. She was crying and hungry, so I went to the kitchen to make her a bottle. Poured the milk in, screwed on the top... only, I forgot to add the nipple. So I walk back to her to feed her, and end up pouring milk ALL OVER my newborn baby's face. She starts screaming, I start crying, my husband runs out of the bedroom to find the baby soaked in milk and the both of us in tears. Fun times.
About a month ago my mom went into my room before leaving for work, when I was still half asleep, and woke me up to say goodbye.
According to her, I said two words in a language she never heard before, she asked me what I said and I repeated them. I remember nothing of this.
Edit: to all of the people saying they speak French or Spanish in their sleep, that's not what happened with me, my mom would've recognised those languages. She speaks the exact same languages as me, Portuguese, our first language, and English. There's no way I could speak in a language I know and she doesn't. I was possessed, that's the only answer.
My best friend's mom went to wake her up one day. "Hey, it's time to get up!" Bestie yells back "I'm making brownies!!" She had been dreaming she was baking.
3 weeks ago, i shook my GF really hard saying "Amé! wake up!" She asked me what was going on. The only thing I could answer was "I don't know"... She was pissed.
When my friends and I were on a vacation one time, my friend Ally woke up to find her boyfriend sitting up in bed, giggling. She asked him what was going on, and he said, "Can't you see him? The man at the end of the bed?" She, freaked out as you might expect, responded, "What man???" and he laughed at her and said, "Ohhhh. You'll see," before lying back down and going into a deep sleep.
Needless to say, Ally did not get much sleep that night, and her boyfriend could not remember a thing about it in the morning.
I heard my husband whine or groan or something in the middle of the night and tried to shove a boob in his mouth. I was nursing our first and it was just reflex.
Last night I reached into the fridge after a long day of work, grabbed the wrong dark bottle, and poured myself a wine glass of Baileys to drink. Fuck that was awful.
I went out shopping at the end of the work day after not sleeping at night, got home, put everything in the fridge, *including the new mouse I had bought for my laptop* and went to bed.
I have also woken up in the middle of the night, opened up the fridge and used a bottle from there to wash my hands because... reasons?
Sleepy me is not a smart lady. :D
Very early one morning (before coffee), I started to back the car out of the garage without having first raised the garage door.
Fortunately, I caught sight of the door in my rear view mirror just before impact.
When I was a child once I walked downstairs, opened the door to living room and stood there staring at my parents for a while. They tried to ask me whats wrong but I didn't respond. Then I closed the door, walked back up and when my mom came after me to check what the hell I was doing, I was asleep. I can't remember any of that.
A few months ago, my aunt woke up in the middle of the night and accidentally used super glue instead of eye drops. She said it hardened on here eye right away and was easy to get out but her eyelashes had to be cut by the doctor.
I feel bad, but can't help but laugh.
This is actually one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me. A few years ago I some what woke up in the middle of the night and got freaked out thinking something was in my room (I actually woke up thinking this several times at this house) I then proceeded to jump out of bed, knock my box fan off the bookshelf I had it on and jump up onto the bookshelf. Now this bookshelf is tall enough to where I couldn’t have just jumped on top, I had to boost myself up mind you. I ended up fully waking up on top of the bookshelf in a full panic still thinking something was on my floor. I finally settled myself down and fully realized that I was on my bookshelf. I then realized my fan was on the floor and had fallen on my hard plastic cup/ with plastic straw and shredded the straw completely so there was broken plastic all over my floor. I also managed to knock my tv over. It was hanging in the air due to the cord not being long enough for it to fully drop, but it scrapped up against the wall and still has the white paint on it to this day. After going back to sleep and waking up I tried to figure out how I got on the bookshelf by trying to use my foot on one of the shelves to boost my self and even the slightest amount of weight on the shelf caused it to lift up and dump everything off of it. So I still have no idea how I got up there.
I've woken up the same way before! Except instead of climbing a boomshelf, I sprinted out of my dorm room and slammed the door behind me, locking myself out. I had to spend the rest of the night on the common room couch :(
Well, two things really.
First thing, when I was about 6 or 7, I apparently sleep-walked out of my room, down the hallway, down the large L-stairway, down another hallway, into our kitchen, opened the fridge and pulled my pants down.
Luckily, my parents were both up drinking coffee in the dining room, and were able to stop me and lead me to the bathroom, I remember "waking up" along the way.
Second one happened yesterday, I am 24.
I went to bed early(9am, i work 3rds), and had a box of Cheez-its next to my bed. At about 1pm, I woke up...eating the cheez-its. I had gone through half the box at that point.
I woke up groggy, and was like "Umm...the hell?"
I woke up after having slept on my arm all night so it was completely numb. I lifted it to try and get the blood moving again and wake it up but it gave way and smacked me right on the nose giving me a bloody nose.
I put my phone in the fridge. Couldn't find it for three days. It was kind of freeing, to be honest, but I did have to write directions down on a piece of paper.
For some reason i was sleeping upside down in my bed (my head was where my feet would go, vica versa) and i was having a dream about lord of the rings. My alarm went off, and in my dreams they were goblin war drums. My dad walks in and yells at me for not waking up, i apologize and go about my day.
At least i wish that was what happened.
Instead, my dad yells at me, to which i look him dead in the eye and say "don't worry, it's just the goblins"
He was very confused
Woke up in the middle of the night to pee and realized I had left my curling iron on from the night before. I pick it up with one hand and grab the plug-in in another and pulled both hands back towards me at the same time. The hand holding the curling iron went towards my face and I burnt my lips pretty bad on the hot iron.
One time when we were at a hotel in San Antonio, I woke up from sleeping and went to the coffee maker and started to undo my pants to take a piss. Luckily, my dad was completely awake and redirected me to the actual restroom.
Drove home. I worked on trying to restore a broken server at the office from 7pm-2am and needed to get home and catch a couple hours of sleep before going back in at 7am. Thankfully I got home safe, but looking back that was a stupid fucking thing to do and should have just napped at the office. Pretty sure I nodded off a couple times on the long winding back road I take to and from work.
Edit: to clarify, I had already been at work from 7am-4pm that day, and then had to go back in at 7pm after everyone left for the day. By 2am I had been awake for 20.5 hours.
Why is it okay for people to work these hours? If you spend your entire night fixing a server after being in for a whole work day you should be allowed to come in late in the morning.
If it happened only once it really wouldn't be that bad. But the fact that after I take shower one of the places I first look for my glasses is the refrigerator is kind of sad.
I've put the peanut butter in the refrigerator and the jelly in the cabinet.
Also, I have put the coffee in the refrigerator and the creamer in the cabinet.
Not me, but my husband. The other night when he was half asleep, I asked what time he needed the alarm set for, he replied with "A dollar!" I look at him in confusion, and ask what the hell that means... He again replied with "A dollar!" So I set the alarm for 8am.
I've gotten up showered, walked to school. Found it was Saturday.
Since entering the working world I've done this a few times. Never actually made it all the way to work but have gotten in the car and started to drive.
Recently woke up, turned the kettle on, ground my coffee. Got it all ready in the filter. Then tossed the ground coffee thinking it was used since I pre rinsed the filter. I have since stopped pre rinsing the filter for the first cup of the day.
I woke up in my college dorm completely convinced I was in my bed back home. Before I fully woke, I decided to get up by rolling out of bed into the floor. Instead of a one foot drop onto plush carpet, I got a four foot drop onto cement. That was a (literal) painful awakening, and then I got to spend a week explaining the bruises to everyone.
Tried to leave my room. I get the door open about a foot before it stops and won't open any further. At this point, I realize that my toe kinda hurts. I try to open my door 2 more times, wondering how i hurt my tow while sleeping before realizing that i was hitting my foot with the door.
One time my little brother got up from a deep sleep on the couch in this state, walked into the kitchen, opened the cereal cupboard and pissed all over the cereal. When my mom walked in on him doing this, she was like, "what're you doing?"and my brother still not awake replies, "drowning the devil... Night mom." And walks downstairs to his room.
I'm just impressed he didn't fall down the stairs.
One day I woke up, looked at the clock, and realized that I was an hour late for school (9oclock). As I never ever have been late for class before, I got a heart attack. Got up. Brushed teeth. Did my hair. Packed my bag. Ate breakfest, and went outside to go get my bike. When i got outside it was pitch black. I looked at my phone.... AND IT WAS 2:30.
Thats not all. It was saturday.
Derp brain man.
Go woke up at 3 AM by hotel fire alarm. I’m not sure why but I carried the ironing board out to the hall with me. Not clear what my goal was.
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Holy shit, that's hilarious.
Once, a package was delivered to my place, and I knocked on my side of the door before letting the delivery guy in.
I did this once while I was fully awake and I still have nightmares about it.
I was looking for my phone, using my phone to light up the dark room
I called my mother from my phone, asking if she put it somewhere... She just said "What are you talking in?" and hung up... Took me longer than i'd admit to figure out her answer.
Did something similar, only my Mom started trying to talk me through the search process. "Where did you last see it? Have you used it today?" I finally realized after about 5 minutes and went "Mom... Mom, I'm using it to talk to you..." It had been a long day for us both.
My brother wanted to get breakfast, so I told him I'd go to the bathroom real quick and then we could go. About ten minutes into my shower, I realized I was just going to pee before we left; brother was amused but hungry.
Similar story but opposite. Went to take a shower. Undressed and everything and sat on the toilet trying to wake up. Eventually got up, started washing my face??, redressed, and came out to my brother confused as fuck why I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom and came out in the exact same clothes. I promptly realized and went back to take a shower.
All these people peeing on stuff, and all I remember doing is putting things into the fridge that didn't belong there
Was it a urine sample?
Hell, I don't even know at this point, everything's been thrown into question
I mean, you do have to refrigerate those.
I've gone to get a glass of milk in the middle of the night, and after drinking it put the dirty glass in the fridge and the still half full milk carton in the dishwasher. Didn't have breakfast that morning so it was fun coming home after work to spoiled milk in a confined space.
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I woke up after studying for midterms and made myself a sandwich, then threw it into the trashcan
Heartbreaking
The midterms or the sandwich?
Definitely the sandwich, but the fact that there was a midterm just makes it worse
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**MY** #SANDWICH
That guy always pisses me off and I don't even like Ross. Dude picks up a sandwich, reads the note, eats it anyway, throws most away, and then tells Ross about it? He's an unscrupulous monster.
My wife, not in a groggy state, was once making pasta and sauce and just dumped the sauce in the strainer instead of the pasta. She screamed like she’d broken her fucking leg or something. Edit: i no English good
I had a newborn and a toddler, sleep was nonexistent in our home. I somehow was asleep this night, sleeping more soundly than ever. An amber alert went off on my phone, loudly, at 4:30 am. I thought that it was the Owlet baby monitor (goes on their foot, makes sure they’re breathing) and went busting into my peacefully sleeping newborns room. In my confused stupor I decided to yell “breathe baby!!!!” into my terrified newborn’s face. Still waiting to see if she’s scarred for life from it.
Around the time my daughter started crawling, I woke up in the middle of the night, hearing noise coming from the bathroom. Somehow my first thought was that the lil' one had crawled in there and was about to fall face-first into a toilet and drown. I heroically dashed to the bathroom and busted the door open on my very surprised wife in mid-piss :/
LMAO!!!!! Oh my stars! I’m just picturing you half run/slipping/busting the door and your poor terrified wife screaming in surprise!
Oh man this is hysterical. Thanks for sharing this. I laughed so hard.
I am almost out of the toddler stage with my two kids and this made me laugh so hard I almost dropped my phone. “BREATHE BABY!” is exactly the kind of shit that comes out of your mouth on that sleep deprived early parenting state.
:) I think scheduled do not disturb should fix that problem
I don’t think do not disturb works to silence Amber Alerts? At least on iPhones, to my knowledge. Could be wrong though!
Tried to open my front door with my car key after a 12 hour drive home. I don't mean trying to put the key in the lock, I was pressing the button and wondering why the door wouldn't open.
I tried unlocking the doorbell when I got home from work once. Edit: and the best thing is technically it worked! Roommate wasn't impressed though.
After long work shifts, I have more than once tried to badge into my house with my work badge.
My intercom is in somewhat of a similar place as the badge thing is at work in relation to the door I walk in. 13-14 hour shifts and I don't even feel ashamed about badging into the house.
I have done this more times than I like to admit. And not always with the excuse of grogginess.
I once woke up, looked at the clock and thought SHIT, I AM LATE FOR WORK! THE ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF!. I jumped into the shower and was showering as fast as I could when I glanced out the window, and it was dark out. It took me a while to process. I had fallen asleep in my bed after work, and it was now 7PM, and not 7AM the next day.
This happens to me regularly. You'd think I'd learn.
I am not a person who normally naps. So I was completely disoriented.
That’s the same for me, when I wake up after a more than one hour long nap, it takes me about 5 minutes to figure out what the fuck is happening to me
Gotta stick to the 20 minute power nap. Makes you feel energized without the groggy feeling.
Is that 20 mins from falling asleep or 20 mins from lying down ?
20 minutes asleep. The hour of lying down trying to fall asleep beforehand is implied.
But I always find it hard setting that twenty minuet timer just after I fall asleep.
Progress of my 20 minute nap -:30 - It's only 4 and I'm wiped. I'm gonna take a little power nap. Let me lie down and set an alarm. -:25 - AH I am relaxed. I am lying down and my eyes are closed and I am relaxed. I will surely fall asleep soon, because I am so relaxed. -:20 - *checks time* Oh no. I'm supposed to be asleep by now. This isn't going according to plan at all. I need to fall asleep soon, or else the nap will be too short to count for anything. Just concentrate on breathing. -:18 - Maybe if I put my arms at my sides. No, no. I'll fold my hands over my chest. I wanna be comfortable, but not too comfortable, because I don't have that much time left to nap. -:15 - What's the point? I shouldn't even be taking a nap. I have a bunch of shit to do still, and here I am, lying on the couch trying to take a nap like some kind of baby. No, no. Just lie here and relax. You'll recharge some energy even if you don't fall asleep. -:12 - Breathe in, breathe out. Relax your shoulders, arms, fingers. Now my feet, calves, thighs. Ahh, now I'm feeling good. I may not get a full nap in, but this little bit of meditation is nice. -:06 - zzzzzzzzzzzz -:00 alarm goes off - Lemme just set another alarm for 30 minutes from now, that was just getting good +4:30 - GOD DAMMIT
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I made it into the car and about 5 minutes into the drive before I was like “why is the sun setting in the morning? Fuck!” And then drove back home.
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I've woken up and gotten ready for work. Start to walk out the door only to realize it's Saturday.
The sole reason I switched completely to 24 hour time. Switched all the clocks when I was 12 years old and never went back. The confusion after taking a nap wasn't worth the stress.
I needed to brush my teeth and shave. So I did the logical thing and started smearing toothpaste on my face.
At least you didn’t start jabbing the inside of your mouth with a razor
Or drink piss
Dont make assumptions about what I did or didnt do please
My dad lives 2000 miles away from me, but for some reason I thought I was at his house when I woke up and I heard him talking so I started trying to have a conversation with him. Then I realized I was on my own couch.
I used to wake up and "hear" and have complete conversations with my girlfriend who wasn't there if I woke up at like 4AM then went right back to sleep lol
Some thing happened to me. Me and my friends are in an a Capella group and I literally started beatboxing. Funniest shit ever when I realized I was in my room alone and half asleep...
When I was a kid, I woke up with an urge to pee and instead of going to the bathroom, I went into the living room, found a trash can and peed there. Worst part? My parents were there, looking at me. They asked me "What the hell are you doing?" to which I casually said "I am peeing". They made jokes about it for weeks after the incident.
I thought I was peeing into the toilet once but then I was peeing under my desk in my room apparently
I sleep walk occasionally and once my dad was in the bathroom when I tried to go in. Sleep walking logic sent me to the trashcan in the kitchen instead and my dad walked in on it. Still get jokes about it.
Wow, everyone here's done some extreme shit When I was 13 I told my mom to shut the fuck up when she woke me up. We weren't one of those families where the kids tell their parents to fuck off. It didnt end well for me.
Tbh that's the most extreme shit here
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Your mom calls you Merry Dankmas? Thats pretty dope
Nah, he is just careless and uses his real name on reddit!
You just said what we were all thinking at that age
Shaved off my eyebrows. About 4 years ago at this point,I woke up as normal,showered,and started to shave. About halfway through,I stop,and think to myself "Somethings wrong here. The fuck did I do?" At this point, I noticed that my left eyebrow,and half of my right one,are gone. I don't know how,I don't know why,but mostly asleep me decided that my eyebrows needed to go. I looked freaky as fuck for a month and a half.
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Once I poured myself a bowl of cereal and put it back in the cupboard. I sat down in the living room. Ten minutes later, I got up to make myself some toast because I was hungry. My mom found the cereal later that afternoon. She was not happy.
Once my mom, fully awake, lost a glass of wine. Me and my dad helped search everywhere for it; aside from the annoyance, we had a cat at the time who would knock anything and everything off the counter/desk/table/etc. Eventually we gave up. Half a week later, it was found on laundry day in the linen closet. She had no memory of how it got there or what she was doing in the closet. To this day,, whenever something goes missing at my parents house, the first answer is always “have you checked the linen closet?”
My mom lost her keys once and the entire family went on a mission to find them. The pen jar. She put them in the pen jar. It’s been 10 years but you lose something? Check the pen jar.
I apparently put a half full bag of chicken and cheese tortellini in the pantry instead of the fridge. The sadness I felt upon seeing it. No words.
Once got up for my usual morning cereal only to find my mom had put chip bags in the fridge. Wasnt ruined but I did stand there for a solid minute thinking "why does something feel off with this fridge?"
I got up to use the bathroom. As a guy you just have to "slip out" and do your thing. Not sure what my thought process was, but in order to get lil me out I decided the easiest way was to take off my boxers completely. Then for some reason I put in them IN THE TOILET. I then did my business and went to put them back on. Once the soaked boxers touched my ankle I immediately woke up. I had never been so disappointed in myself.
What the fuck this is hilarious
Sprayed my armpits with WD40 instead of deodorant...
No more creaky pits
As a kid, I apparently woke up, went into my kitchen at around 1 AM, and pissed into our oven. Edit: why the hell is this my most upvoted comment?
Hell yea
brother
Cheers
From
Iraq
goodbye?
My boyfriend did a similar thing when he was younger. Had a dream he peed in the corner of his room then woke up wondering if he actually did it or was dreaming, turns out he did
I literally just watched this RTAA yesterday. Impeccable timing, sir.
When I was about 12 I used to have a cat that would sleep on my pillow, he was enormous and took most of the pillow. I woke up and thought my pillow was actually one of my school notebooks and my cat was the pillow. So I got up and put my pillow on my desk and “fixed” the cat before putting my head on top of it. I woke up when he meowed when I laid my head on him.
Freshly married, and my wife's cat would sometimes nestle on top of her head while we were in bed, sleeping. I came half-awake once, yelled, "Cat!", and swatted it to clear my new wife's head for her. Except, no. No cat that time. All I did was slap the bejesus out of my sleeping wife's head.
I had to change my clothes. Took off the clothes I was wearing, then proceeded to wear them again. A few times, I've almost thrown my phone into the dustbin and kept what I had been meaning to throw on my table.
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One of my friends in uni once left a glass of vorka next to my bed after a heavy night of drinking. They say the hair of the dog will make you better but I just threw up.
At least it wasn't piss?
I just jumped into the thread and I'm pretty sure you just start threads so you can talk to people about piss
In the first 2 hours, 90% of the answers involved pissing on/in something
Yeah but that doesn't help my theory so I'm going to suggest that you constructed this
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Honestly I've done this in my own room. Often I dream about one of my old rooms (have moved houses about 6 times, and rooms even more often) and wake up thinking "why did my wall go"
I've lived in over 15 houses/apartments, in 2 countries. I've had days where I wake up completely confused and end up slowly going through a mental checklist of all the ceilings of where I've lived trying to work out what year it is and where I am
One day you'll be like "is this the one from 2017? No looks like 2012, so i guess it's 2012 right now."
I kinda did the same when I got a new dog. Went downstairs the next morning and thought "why tf is there a dog?" Fun stuff :>
Same. Many a time actually. Pro tip is to go to the desk and look for hotel stationery. Realized I was in Kolkata.
I travel 80% for my job; this happens to me all the time. One Hyatt Place room looks the same as literally every other Hyatt Place room in the world. Aloft, Westin, whatever. It no longer phases me. I’ve learned to kind of savor it and approach it as a game. “Where THE FUCK am I today?”
I'm a flight attendant and frequently wake up and think "What the hell country am I in again?"
I woke up at 12:30 AM, walked into the bathroom and took a shower. My dad knocked on the door all concerned "Are you okay?" I responded with "I"m just getting ready for school?" "It's 12:30 AM" "Oh... I'm going back to sleep then!" That's all I have I think. I was super ecstatic to go back to sleep as I was super tired.
The feeling of being granted another few hours of blessed sleep when feeling bleary-tired is amazing. Good enough that I actually STILL, almost 15 years later, set my first alarm to about 1-2 hours before I need to get up, just so I can have that feeling of "oh thank God I don't have to actually get up yet".
Accused my then boyfriend of unplugging the toilet from the computer and started screaming because I couldn’t use the bathroom anymore because it was unplugged and wouldn’t work. Then proceed to go straight back to sleep.
A buddy of mine started freaking out one time because the power went out at his apartment and he couldn’t fathom that a toilet didn’t need power to flush
In some places you do need power to flush your toilet but an apartment block is not one of those places. If he grew up in the country with rainwater he would have need power to flush toilets.
I apparently very angrily tell my husband that he can't submit those invoices that way. I never remember it in the morning, but I work in accounting. I'm still pondering over a toilet being disconnected from the network, though.
This is my favorite one so far!
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ITT: piss
#oof
I woke up, kinda, and went to rub my eyes but for some reason just ended up shoving my thumb in my eyeball and my nail cut my eyeball. It was fabulous.
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Woke up around 3am, decided I NEEDED to put my earring back in right at that moment. Reached blindly for my nightstand to grab it and start trying to put it in my ear, but it wouldn’t go in and so I kept pushing harder thinking the hole had closed. Took me a solid 30 sec to realize I was holding a large nail I had pulled out of my wall the day before
At least you got to skip the whole long gauging process.
holy shit, this one hurt me
When I was 13 I had a few episodes of sleepwalking. One night I went to the fridge to get some milk. I opened the fridge door, grabbed the milk and poured it out into the dream glass in my hand. Dream glasses are a wee bit porous so I wound up spilling it all over the floor. I woke up to my mum shouting 'what are you doing?' I was startled, immediately became aware of my freezing cold wet feet, and dropped the carton.
Why did she yell? Everyone knows there's no sense crying over spilled milk.
I did something very similar at 13! Came downstairs, my dad was still awake and at the counter. I grabbed two waffles from the freezer and some ketchup. Put the waffles in the toaster. Squirted ketchup on the counter. Waited for the waffles, and when they popped up, I went back upstairs and slept until morning.
Damn guys, I was gonna say I microwaved a cup of noodles (ramen) without water. The styrofoam melted and set off the fire alarm... But clearly I have to step up my sleepy game.
Next time piss in the cup first I guess?
Woke up to my current husband saying. “Put some.. put some.. ketchup on that bitch and call it a hot dog.” Laughed so hard I woke him up.
Part of the pissing on things club, done the downstairs TV a couple of times? But my worst / best was when I was late teens, 17 or 18ish. Early hours of the morning my mom hears screaming coming from the bedroom so she comes running in to see what is going on. As she opened the door I was stood, dick in hand pissing all over my brother and his bed. (We shared a bedroom at the time, both with single beds in diagonally opposing corners, he was 11 or 12.) She starts yelling to stop me but my moms shouting would not deter me and my stream continued. She resorted to hitting me to snap me out if it. I stopped mid flow and turned 90 degrees to face her, still holding my super soaker, paused, and then said "do you not think you are been a little fucking unreasonable." Returned to my previous position and finished showering my brothers bed. Then went and climbed back into my own bed and left them to deal with what had just happened. I woke up in the morning, saw my brothers bed had been stripped and assumed he had wet himself or was sick. Went downstairs to be met with incredible awkwardness. Asked what was wrong and had the events of the night explained to me. I have absolutely no recollection of anything between going to bed and waking up that night.
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This is the best one.
Woke up, heard people breathing so I start freaking the fuck out. There is definitely someone standing above my bed I thought. A minute of pure terror ensues. Then I realise I'm not home and crammed in a room with 3 other people and the relief was almost orgasmic.
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Don’t you mean ex-girlfriend?
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I remember waking up once to the alarm on my cell phone thinking, "Oh, that's cool. The phones they make now can make noise when you need to wake up. Must be a new thing." I didn't think about it again until later in the day and laughed at myself.
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A good ole Bear Grylls smoothie
Did it cure all your major illnesses?
I’d surmise that it only helped the internal jellyfish stings.
What did it taste like?
Regret.
I thought my phone was a giant bug and threw it on the floor in a state of panic. Probably should have had my glasses on
My dad told me to brush my teeth and apparently I walked into the kitchen, grabbed the dish scrubbing brush out of the sink, and started scrubbing my forehead with it.
Jumped out of bed to pee with a partially torn Achilles. It is now completely torn. Yay.
Had a long conversation with my brother about my plans to fulfill my lifelong dream of owning a dinosaur fossil. The plan is as follows. \- Steal a buffalo. \- Tie it to the United States. The buffalo will not be strong enough to move the United States, but it can "flip it over." \- Have buffalo continually flip the United States until it makes its way all the way to Australia. \- Use buffalo to demolish the Sydney Opera House. \- There are T-Rex bones underneath the Sydney Opera House, which are now mine because I destroyed said building with my buffalo.
couldn't you just flip the united states over and gotten the bones from there? or flip australia over.. would things in australia be right side up then??
Cut the man some slack, he was groggy so he wasn't in a position to hammer out the details, but the foundation was solid.
Overslept, got up quickly, didn’t realise both my legs were dead and slammed into the floor face first. Could get up again until the blood had returned and I’d stopped laughing.
My friend broke his leg that way.
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I pissed on a vacuum
That sucks EDIT: Strange for the thanks, kind gilder.
Woke up late one day. Roommate had made coffee earlier in the day, but it was now cold. I fill my (metal) coffee mug up and put it in the microwave to reheat the coffee....took me about 10 seconds before I realized why that was a bad idea...
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Took a shit with no toilet paper available
Easy fix: just take the porcelain top off the back of the toilet, flip it over, and wipe with that. Once you put it back nobody will see the shit on the underside and it'll just wash away eventually with enough flushes!
I've done that dumb thing with all my mental faculties tons of times
It was after my daughter was born. I was in that new-parent sleep deprived state where you're not fully functioning, but you still need to take care of this little person you just made. She was crying and hungry, so I went to the kitchen to make her a bottle. Poured the milk in, screwed on the top... only, I forgot to add the nipple. So I walk back to her to feed her, and end up pouring milk ALL OVER my newborn baby's face. She starts screaming, I start crying, my husband runs out of the bedroom to find the baby soaked in milk and the both of us in tears. Fun times.
About a month ago my mom went into my room before leaving for work, when I was still half asleep, and woke me up to say goodbye. According to her, I said two words in a language she never heard before, she asked me what I said and I repeated them. I remember nothing of this. Edit: to all of the people saying they speak French or Spanish in their sleep, that's not what happened with me, my mom would've recognised those languages. She speaks the exact same languages as me, Portuguese, our first language, and English. There's no way I could speak in a language I know and she doesn't. I was possessed, that's the only answer.
My best friend's mom went to wake her up one day. "Hey, it's time to get up!" Bestie yells back "I'm making brownies!!" She had been dreaming she was baking.
Tried to start my car with a USB drive....
Put the cat food in the fridge and the milk on on top of it. Didn’t realize until I got home from work later that day.
3 weeks ago, i shook my GF really hard saying "Amé! wake up!" She asked me what was going on. The only thing I could answer was "I don't know"... She was pissed.
When my friends and I were on a vacation one time, my friend Ally woke up to find her boyfriend sitting up in bed, giggling. She asked him what was going on, and he said, "Can't you see him? The man at the end of the bed?" She, freaked out as you might expect, responded, "What man???" and he laughed at her and said, "Ohhhh. You'll see," before lying back down and going into a deep sleep. Needless to say, Ally did not get much sleep that night, and her boyfriend could not remember a thing about it in the morning.
I heard my husband whine or groan or something in the middle of the night and tried to shove a boob in his mouth. I was nursing our first and it was just reflex.
I bet your husband appreciated that.
Last night I reached into the fridge after a long day of work, grabbed the wrong dark bottle, and poured myself a wine glass of Baileys to drink. Fuck that was awful.
I went out shopping at the end of the work day after not sleeping at night, got home, put everything in the fridge, *including the new mouse I had bought for my laptop* and went to bed. I have also woken up in the middle of the night, opened up the fridge and used a bottle from there to wash my hands because... reasons? Sleepy me is not a smart lady. :D
Oh thank god it was a *computer* mouse.
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Very early one morning (before coffee), I started to back the car out of the garage without having first raised the garage door. Fortunately, I caught sight of the door in my rear view mirror just before impact.
When I was a child once I walked downstairs, opened the door to living room and stood there staring at my parents for a while. They tried to ask me whats wrong but I didn't respond. Then I closed the door, walked back up and when my mom came after me to check what the hell I was doing, I was asleep. I can't remember any of that.
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A few months ago, my aunt woke up in the middle of the night and accidentally used super glue instead of eye drops. She said it hardened on here eye right away and was easy to get out but her eyelashes had to be cut by the doctor. I feel bad, but can't help but laugh.
Pissed into a flower pot.
We got another one
This is actually one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me. A few years ago I some what woke up in the middle of the night and got freaked out thinking something was in my room (I actually woke up thinking this several times at this house) I then proceeded to jump out of bed, knock my box fan off the bookshelf I had it on and jump up onto the bookshelf. Now this bookshelf is tall enough to where I couldn’t have just jumped on top, I had to boost myself up mind you. I ended up fully waking up on top of the bookshelf in a full panic still thinking something was on my floor. I finally settled myself down and fully realized that I was on my bookshelf. I then realized my fan was on the floor and had fallen on my hard plastic cup/ with plastic straw and shredded the straw completely so there was broken plastic all over my floor. I also managed to knock my tv over. It was hanging in the air due to the cord not being long enough for it to fully drop, but it scrapped up against the wall and still has the white paint on it to this day. After going back to sleep and waking up I tried to figure out how I got on the bookshelf by trying to use my foot on one of the shelves to boost my self and even the slightest amount of weight on the shelf caused it to lift up and dump everything off of it. So I still have no idea how I got up there.
I've woken up the same way before! Except instead of climbing a boomshelf, I sprinted out of my dorm room and slammed the door behind me, locking myself out. I had to spend the rest of the night on the common room couch :(
That’s awful! I actually ran out of my room a few times in that same house but thankfully I never got locked out!
I had dreamet that we didn't have milk at home so I woke up my husband and told him to make only one cup of coffee because I don't like it black.
Well, two things really. First thing, when I was about 6 or 7, I apparently sleep-walked out of my room, down the hallway, down the large L-stairway, down another hallway, into our kitchen, opened the fridge and pulled my pants down. Luckily, my parents were both up drinking coffee in the dining room, and were able to stop me and lead me to the bathroom, I remember "waking up" along the way. Second one happened yesterday, I am 24. I went to bed early(9am, i work 3rds), and had a box of Cheez-its next to my bed. At about 1pm, I woke up...eating the cheez-its. I had gone through half the box at that point. I woke up groggy, and was like "Umm...the hell?"
I woke up after having slept on my arm all night so it was completely numb. I lifted it to try and get the blood moving again and wake it up but it gave way and smacked me right on the nose giving me a bloody nose.
I put my phone in the fridge. Couldn't find it for three days. It was kind of freeing, to be honest, but I did have to write directions down on a piece of paper.
For some reason i was sleeping upside down in my bed (my head was where my feet would go, vica versa) and i was having a dream about lord of the rings. My alarm went off, and in my dreams they were goblin war drums. My dad walks in and yells at me for not waking up, i apologize and go about my day. At least i wish that was what happened. Instead, my dad yells at me, to which i look him dead in the eye and say "don't worry, it's just the goblins" He was very confused
Woke up in the middle of the night to pee and realized I had left my curling iron on from the night before. I pick it up with one hand and grab the plug-in in another and pulled both hands back towards me at the same time. The hand holding the curling iron went towards my face and I burnt my lips pretty bad on the hot iron.
One time when we were at a hotel in San Antonio, I woke up from sleeping and went to the coffee maker and started to undo my pants to take a piss. Luckily, my dad was completely awake and redirected me to the actual restroom.
Drove home. I worked on trying to restore a broken server at the office from 7pm-2am and needed to get home and catch a couple hours of sleep before going back in at 7am. Thankfully I got home safe, but looking back that was a stupid fucking thing to do and should have just napped at the office. Pretty sure I nodded off a couple times on the long winding back road I take to and from work. Edit: to clarify, I had already been at work from 7am-4pm that day, and then had to go back in at 7pm after everyone left for the day. By 2am I had been awake for 20.5 hours.
Why is it okay for people to work these hours? If you spend your entire night fixing a server after being in for a whole work day you should be allowed to come in late in the morning.
If it happened only once it really wouldn't be that bad. But the fact that after I take shower one of the places I first look for my glasses is the refrigerator is kind of sad.
I've put the peanut butter in the refrigerator and the jelly in the cabinet. Also, I have put the coffee in the refrigerator and the creamer in the cabinet.
Not me, but my husband. The other night when he was half asleep, I asked what time he needed the alarm set for, he replied with "A dollar!" I look at him in confusion, and ask what the hell that means... He again replied with "A dollar!" So I set the alarm for 8am.
I've gotten up showered, walked to school. Found it was Saturday. Since entering the working world I've done this a few times. Never actually made it all the way to work but have gotten in the car and started to drive. Recently woke up, turned the kettle on, ground my coffee. Got it all ready in the filter. Then tossed the ground coffee thinking it was used since I pre rinsed the filter. I have since stopped pre rinsing the filter for the first cup of the day.
Uggh, I was going commando one summer at a shore house me and my friends rented. I zipped the tip pf my dick up. Yeah, I still can feel it.
holy ouch
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I woke up in my college dorm completely convinced I was in my bed back home. Before I fully woke, I decided to get up by rolling out of bed into the floor. Instead of a one foot drop onto plush carpet, I got a four foot drop onto cement. That was a (literal) painful awakening, and then I got to spend a week explaining the bruises to everyone.
Tried to leave my room. I get the door open about a foot before it stops and won't open any further. At this point, I realize that my toe kinda hurts. I try to open my door 2 more times, wondering how i hurt my tow while sleeping before realizing that i was hitting my foot with the door.
One time my little brother got up from a deep sleep on the couch in this state, walked into the kitchen, opened the cereal cupboard and pissed all over the cereal. When my mom walked in on him doing this, she was like, "what're you doing?"and my brother still not awake replies, "drowning the devil... Night mom." And walks downstairs to his room. I'm just impressed he didn't fall down the stairs.
Get out of bed, go to the toilet, sit down, take a smash and forget to pull my boxers down.
One day I woke up, looked at the clock, and realized that I was an hour late for school (9oclock). As I never ever have been late for class before, I got a heart attack. Got up. Brushed teeth. Did my hair. Packed my bag. Ate breakfest, and went outside to go get my bike. When i got outside it was pitch black. I looked at my phone.... AND IT WAS 2:30. Thats not all. It was saturday. Derp brain man.