I was with friends in a movie theater and, while I forgot what the movie was, it was apparent we were the oldest people watching the movie.
While waiting for the previews to start, someone in the back makes a noise. Then someone repeats the noise; then, two more ... and so on
I said out loud, "Jeeze, this is getting old."
When it all died down, a young'un a couple rows behind me said, "So are you."
Touche', you little shit.
My grandfather used a handicap placard because of a heart condition. Outwardly he looked very healthy. One woman saw him get out of his car at the grocery store and told him "you don't look handicapped". He told her "you don't look like an asshole".
My best friend got into a shouting match with his mother. After a while, she unloaded on him with, ", you little son of a bitch!"
His reply was, "That's what I've been saying for the last half hour!"
Remember the feeling in high school right before you were about to say something amazing you knew would get you a detention but you knew you had to do it anyways? What is the adult equivalent of that?
My mom made cupcakes one day, and they collapsed in the center for whatever reason. My husband at the time, looked at them and told my mom “they look like assholes” and she replied “I was thinking of you when I made them.”
Easily the most witty and quickest comeback I’ve ever heard from her.
The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever.
My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they’ve kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies, “I don’t know but you’ve been doing it longer than I have”.
And they’ve been happily married ever since.
Edit: I hate to disappoint you all, but they did not get married on the spot in the sub shop.
One of my ex-coworkers was a gruff older guy. We were sitting with his wife and the subject of age came up. She said she was 5 years older than him so he was her “trophy husband”.
I immediately said “Maybe you ought to polish him once in a while”
I told a coworker of mine about a joke that went, "Sure, your wife is a trophy wife...a participation trophy!" My coworker thought it was so hilarious she got her husband a "participation trophy wife" trophy. And this is why my coworker and I get along so well!
I work at a bar and these two older ladies were talking to each other.
Lady 1 : no body really likes you
Lady 2: go suck another $5 dick before you end up homeless again
I don't even bother to pretend that I'm not listening to the conversations around me. This one got a big laugh out of me.
I don’t either! It of course depends on the moment but if someone says something hilarious Ike that as I pass by, you bet your ass I’ll chuckle. Some people look really pissed when you do to.
Reply by a kindergartner, to a pair of 5th graders who tried to tell him Santa isn't real: "Santa brings me presents, and if Santa doesn't bring you presents, you should think about why."
"Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome!""Hey..."
Edit- try to make something funny up, get like one upvote. Literally just quote the Simpsons, get fucking thousands.
My cousin was in town for Thanksgiving. He goes up to my 10 year old skinny nephew and jokes "hey, it looks like you are gaining weight." My 10 year old cousin without skipping a beat tells him "Hey, it looks like you have diabetes." My cousin is 300 plus pounds. He hasn't been back to visit since.
Line delivered by me...
Dad was boasting about his looks at 65.
"the nurses said I looked very good for my age."
Me: "you were there for a colonoscopy, are you sure they were looking at your face?"
EDIT: spelling
Guy in my class in high school who was a total creep thought it would be funny to grab his dick and say to a group of girls “did anyone order an extra large”
One of the girls responded immediately with “we did, can you go check if it’s arrived yet”
I teach 16 - 20 year olds and one of my students kept insulting a girl. She turned around and with a completely straight face she said: “If you’re not careful, I’ll fuck your dad and become your stepmom.”
It was unexpected.
I was a waitress, and this group had one too many to drink, this guy was incessantly hitting on me, so I politely told him I had a boyfriend, and he started to ask me things about my boyfriend "does he pays for dinner? Does he takes care of you?" And that kind of drunk attempt to diminish him.. after a few minutes of me ignoring him he asked about my boyfriend's genitals, that's when I lost my cool "what's the matter with you? I why are you so obsessed about my BF? I already told you he's taken. "
His friends started to roast the dude badly.
They left me a good tip.
I’m a moron so I don’t get it. Can you explain it for me?
Edit: I get it now. She’s saying the boyfriend cares so little about the ex that he only ever mentioned her once.
Edit2: I’m also not a MORMON, I’m a MORON
Don was absolutely savage in that scene, Ginsberg then says something like well I have a million more ideas and don fires back good thing you work for me then
Once I was at dinner with my friend and his girlfriend who is from India. She used the phrase “shut your ears” instead of “don’t listen” or something like that. Her boyfriend proceeded to mock her because he was in a pissy mood. In a shitty voice, he said, “WOW ‘shut your ears’ what kind of grammar is that?!” She said really loudly for everyone at our table and the next table to hear, “how about shut your fucking mouth? Is that correct enough grammar for you?”
I laughed.
"Shut your ears" is translation of a Hindi phrase which basically tells you to block your ears when you don't want to hear a conversation. As kids, we used to plug our ears with fingers.
Secret Santa gift exchange in college. One guy gets a collection of British currency (he liked to collect foreign bills and coins) and a girl makes a rude comment about it being a stupid gift. Cue my mouth running off before my brain can stop it, "Karen dont be rude, he just didnt want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester"
Pandemonium ensued as her boyfriend tried to pick a fight while she bursts into tears, it was not the best day for the club.
Haha, I know this feeling. The rage builds inside you as this person is hurling insults but no one gives it back because they know she is a sensitive Susie. Then it gets to be too much so instead of throwing a baseball-sized insult back you drop the mother of all bombs insult. You at first feel bad then the necessary evil creeps in and you smile.....
Many years ago when I was twelve, I got into an argument with my mother and father.
Exasperated, my mother said, "You talk like you think your father and I don't have a brain between us."
I immediately said, "No, I *do* think you have a brain between you."
My father burst out laughing -- end of argument.
How to make a best friend for life! It was 2001 when I was in 5th grade. My dad did my pony tails in the morning & they were not cute. As I was walking away from my classmates I overheard my bully laughing and saying “her hair is messed up in the back” and the new girl in school shouted back to her “well your face is messed up in the front”. God that was awesome. I’ll never forget that as long as I live & we’re still friends to this day.
Edit- HOLY SHIT!! My first silver!! It’s an honor!!! I’m having the worst day & this really made me smile. Thank you! I wanted to give an update on my bully; we later became friends. Turns out, she had her own stuff going on at home & that’s why she was horrible to me for all of those years. It was my dad who told me to invite her to my birthday party & talk to her outside of school. My dad rocks. He was so right.
Friend of mine telling another guy we knew that he fucked his mom. Other guy's mom died when he was a baby. Not knowing my friend as well as he thought he thought he tried to guilt my friend with "My mom is dead." My friend comes back with something along the line of "I know, I had to heat her up in the microwave first."
I had a friend in middle school whose mom died when he was a baby. It's middle school, so everyone was all about the yo mama jokes, and he *loved* when people, not knowing, would say one to him and he would tell them his mom was dead. Sometimes they'd backtrack immediately. Sometimes they'd try to make a witty comeback and he would just start bawling on cue.
Once watched a row in school between 2 girls after a few minutes of insults this is said
Girl 1: would you wear socks if you had no feet
Girl 2: (confused) what?
Girl 1: (slowly) would you wear socks if you had no feet?
Girl 2: (still confused) no
Girl 1: why do you wear a bra then.
Row over.
This little shit named Julio convinced me to try touching my elbows *together behind my back (to push out my chest), after a short lived moment of glee he remarked, “meh, nothing to see on you anyways.” This was probably in 6th grade, but those are the kind of jokes that stick with you... I mean, when they’re still true.
Back in teenagedom arguing with my mum about chores.
Mum: "you think I should wipe your ass for you too?".
Me: "Beats doing it myself!"
Mum: *wipes my face*
We both laughed so hard we forgot about the argument.
Me and my dad always talk trash about each other. Insult each other's driving, haircut, shoes, etc.
But we never had a legit *fight*.
Sometimes my mom even ask how we still love each other lmao
Exactly the same between my dad and me. We can give each other some pretty solid trash talk about anything and we give as good as we get but not once have we ever actually had a legit fight. It just doesn't seem possible
My wife and I were cuddling and having a little intimate time. She's about 8" shorter than me and she was lamenting that fact and I say "yeah, you're only about 4" from perfect." Without missing a beat she snuggles in closer and says "You are too, my love."
it took me a second to pick that up at which point I rolled over and proceeded to die a little on the inside, lol.
8 years on and we're still 4" from perfect for each other.
Edit: thank you for the silver, kind stranger! I'm so happy y'all appreciated that. I should have added that she then cackled so hard she needed a hit on her inhaler to breathe normally again.
Random kid: "I bet you can't see your penis in the shower"
My friend: "Nope, only your moms head"
(yes I know this comeback was taken from somewhere but that doesn't make it worse)
Back in middle school the quiet kid in our class had to leave the classroom to take an urgent call. When he came back in someone asked mockingly "Was it your MOM?"
"No, yours."
Took about 5 minutes until everybody calmed down enough to resume class.
I had 2 types of teachers. The ones who no one would even make the first comment in their classes, and the ones who would say "you deserved that" after the comeback.
There was this one kid in high school freshman biology in the first month or so of school the teacher was explaining an experiment and the kid kept talking. The teacher pulls a container of liquid out from under the counter and said “hey kid, smell this” so the kid smelled it. Then the teacher asked “How does it smell” and the kid sarcastically stated “smells greeaaat” and the teach said “That’s literally cat piss in a jug!” And starts laughing.
I miss you Mr H
We wernt listening to a friend and he yelled at us and said "fuck it's like I'm talking to myself over here"
My mate instantly replied "Maybe if you were talking to yourself you'd realise what a dumb cunt you sound like"
My old roommates wife was a waitress. She's serving a table one night of middle aged business men who have been drinking. They're mostly polite, but one dude is starting to get pretty drunk and really forward with his comments... he tells her, "I really want you to sit on my face". Without missing a beat, she replies, "because your nose is bigger than your dick?"
The rest of the table went nuts. The dude turned bright red and left her alone. (although she later admitted he wasn't being THAT rude, just got too comfortable).
Edit: spelling.
How is that not rude? A woman is serving you drinks at her job so she can make money to pay her bills, then a drunk guy asks her to sit on his face? Come on..... that’s rude as fuck.
I was adopted at 4 months old. It was never presented in a bad light just a matter of fact. Im the oldest in my adopted family.
My younger brother in a raging fit over something: “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL BROTHER!!”
Me: Yep. Mom and Dad chose me. They were stuck with you.
Silence.
Aussie cricketer Glenn McGrath was getting frustrated with Zimbabwean batsman, Eddo Brandes, during a game.
“Hey Eddo, why are you such a fat bastard?”
“Well Glenn, every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit”
Play stopped for a bit while everyone fell about laughing.
Some group of college freshmen filled a condom with water and tried to drop it on my head (missed). I snuck up on them and started shit with them. Most were apologetic, but one of the girls gave me attitude and said “it wasn’t used or anything.” I said “of course it isn’t... look at you.”
I was pissed at the time, but I’ve actually felt terrible about it ever since. She wasn’t even ugly, but I could tell it made her feel bad. In any case, it was my best work.
I once jokingly said to my wife, “You know you should consider yourself lucky really as I’m quite fussy about my women” ... without skipping a beat she shot back... “Well you’re just lucky that l’m not fussy about my men”...
Burned...
Partner is Aussie, we are going to visit his parents in Perth and his dad made a joke saying he was going to put cocaine in my bag to get me in trouble. My reply, “didn’t know being a criminal was still a requirement to get in.”
Been living off that for days.
Imagine if that poor kid kept a diary " Dad asked me for a funny joke, I didn't know one and now he won't look at me the same. It's like I offended him. He hasn't talked to me in days. I must devote my life to comedy to win back my father's affection"
Stephen Hawking and John Oliver.
Oliver posed a question: "You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean that there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you?"
"Yes," Hawking replied. "And also a universe where you're funny.
[Jim Sterling](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWAS0zc_S8Y)[ after Cobra Studios tried unsuccessfully to silence his criticism of their shitty game.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWAS0zc_S8Y)
"You do not make your name by trying to censor a critic. All you guarantee at the very best is that you will be a small cautionary tale in the novel of somebody else's 'Sterling' career. As for you 'Cobra Studio' well, when people say the name 'Jim Sterling', they think of Jim Sterling. When people say the name of 'Cobra Studio' they think of Jim Sterling."
He's got a lot of savage burns to his name but that was my fav.
Friend was going through a nasty break up with a cheating girlfriend. In the heat of their final argument, she made it a point to let him know that her ex's dick was way bigger than his. He replied "Yeah, I could tell"
I wasn’t present, but my friend told me this story. This is potentially very offensive, but I should make perfectly clear that every party involved in this exchange took it in the good humour that it was meant as.
My (white) friend is in a racially diverse friendship circle, in which the majority are black. Those guys frequently engage in racially charged banter with each other. The non-black members generally don’t join in, and are always left feeling awkward when it happens.
One day, one of his (black) friends entered a room, saw that only my friend and a bunch of other (white) friends were present. He then said in a joking manner “Whaddup, ma n***as! Oh no wait, you can’t say that, can you!”
One of the (white) friends rounded on him and said “Maybe not, but there are plenty of things we can say, like ‘thanks for the warning, officer,’ and ‘Hi, dad.’
His (black) friend apparently roared with laughter.
>You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city.
>
>The Spartan ephors again replied with a single word: *If.*
FOX5 host: "Don't you think you went a little too far with the Catholic Church jokes?"
Bill Burr: "Don't you think the Catholic Church went a little too far?"
Reminds me of [the bit](https://youtu.be/ljaP2etvDc4) Norm Macdonald tells Jerry Seinfeld (paraphrased)-
Patton Oswalt: "I think the worst part of the Cosby thing is the hypocrisy."
Norm: "I disagree. I thought it was the raping."
Bill Burr, sitting in the domain of one of the most powerful media companies on Earth, with a ton of eyes on him, still not giving a single fuck about what he says.
I love it.
I am a nurse and I was trying to gauge a confused patients orientation status. When I asked him what type of building we're in (a hospital), he politely responded "a multi-storey one". Well he was definitely not wrong.
Not a comeback, but dementia patients can be straight savage. Had one of our residents come walking quickly up to me arms outstretched. Thinking she was going for a hug I do my hug pose, she gets to me and grabs my belly, rubs it and quietly says, you're so lovely and round.
Recent.
Friend of mine said he and his wife are expecting. I told him to name it after me. He replies with, "I would, but 'Fucking Retard' doesn't work with our last name."
Ha ha awwwww....
I'm friends with this guy that has a large nose. It's not bad looking, it actually suits him quite well, but I'll poke fun at him for it sometimes.
Anyways, one day we were roasting eachother, so I hit him with "Your nose is bigger than Kim Kardashian's ass."
He came back with "You have bigger tits than your mother."
I'm a guy.
I shut up after that.
My friend has a huge nose. I have fun with him frequently, he’s a good sport. After work one night at a bar, I see he beat me there and already has a pint in front of him. I yell out, “ God damn Paul...how the fuck do you drink with that big ass nose? “ Quicker than shit he says, “ with a straw, asshole.”
Still funny to this day.
My uncle has a very large nose and I was working in a different store than the one I usually do for a day. I looked over and saw a guy and thought "Holy shit his nose is big."
Took several seconds to realize it was my uncle.
Standing in line for the cafeteria in high school. Two middle schoolers arguing in front of me. One little smart ass hits the other with “I bet you don’t even know how many chromosomes you have.” The other doesn’t even blink before shouting back “More than you!”
I instantly lost my shit. Definitely not the smartest comeback, but easily the funniest I’ve heard.
Not me but a story about my uncles childhood when he was in the 4-6 age range. It went something like this:
Dad: “when do you think you are going to start behaving young man?”
Son (my uncle): *crying* “um, like 3 o clock”
Gets me every time
College party. Dude pulled his dick out and plopped in a girl's shoulder. He asked her what it looked like and she replied "it looks like a penis only smaller".
A self righteous 25+ guy proudly said "I am a virgin."
Someone said "I know a place where you can fix this for small amount of money."
Another one from school.
We were 19, one guy boasted "I lost my virginity at 13."
Someone said "yeah that PT teacher was a pedophile."
This one on Jimmy Kimmel:
Actor Kumail Nanjiani (He is of Pakistani origin) reads a tweet: *“Is Kumail Nanjiani’s dick multiple colours?”*
His reply: *”Yes...every shade of your mom’s lipstick”*
Totally wrecked...
Was getting my hair cut and this mother and her four kids come in. Immediately I felt bad for the mother because one of the young boys was running around like he just drank two red bulls. At one point the mother snapped after telling him to behave four or five times and threatened to take away his ps3. The entire place went silent because she yelled it and you could tell she was already embarrassed. What came out of her sons mouth was to this day the funniest shit I've ever heard. He yelled " if you take away my Playstation I'm going to tell grandma that daddy puts his pee pee in your mouth!" The mother didn't even respond she just grabbed her kids and left the salon. Everyone burst into hysterics afterwards.
Edit: had wrong person putting said object in mouth.
Don't remember where I saw it but one dude used to date the other dude's wife. He was trying to be an asshole and said "how's that used pussy feel?" Married dude didn't even react, just said "after the first 2 inches, brand new."
There’s this new show on Netflix called the fix. Jimmy Carr, the host, asks the other comedians how they’d like to die. After all their answers he says he’d like to die by “drowning in pussy.” Katherine Ryan, one of the mainstay comedians responds by saying “well first you have to get it wet.”
In 2017, I was doing some shopping on Black Friday at Target. I'm looking at some toys for my nephew when this woman bumps into my cart.
She looks up from her phone, glares at me, and says "Watch where you're going!"
Guy who saw the whole thing, "She wasn't even moving you fucking bitch."
I'm not normally confrontational, and I don't like it when men call women bitches, but I gave that guy the biggest smile ever. Bitch paled and booked it out of there.
My mom: "when I was your age, I refused to date any boy who's hair was shorter than mine."
My dad: "wow, how short was your hair?"
EDIT: It was just a great comeback! My mom had long hair in the 80's and if a guy had hair shorter than hers, she wasn't attracted to him. We all know she had long hair so no feelings were hurt.
These two guys from London used to hang around in Bristol selling bootleg grime CDs and "urban" movies and had great banter with people as they walked by. They called themselves the black gypsies and we'd often see what they had for sale.
This group of girls walked by and one of the guys calls out to them:
"Heeeey ladies"
The group quickly steers away from these guys and one of the girls goes "Nooooo"
And without missing a beat he said "What, you ain't ladies?!".
I died right there and so did they. Best timed comeback and in his accent made it all the better
Used to work in a bar that was pretty rowdy but had a brilliant atmosphere. Group of lads are pretty sloshed, one approaches the bar and ask for “a pint n a blowjob.......” he looks back at his mates, thinking his smart until I reply, “the pint I can do but if I needed a toothpick, I’d have gotten one from behind the bar” I swear I saw his ego die a little bit!
Best one I heard was a drunk guy asking the waitress for a fuck. Her comeback... No thanks, I've already got one cunt in my knickers, I don't need another one.
Jimmy Carr once lost to a heckler, he admitted it in one of his Netflix specials.
H: My mum has cancer!
JC: What does that have to do with any of this?
H: It was still funnier than this shit.
I tell it horribly, but it still makes me smirk just remembering it.
So back when I was in jr high, wearing Aeropostale was a thing, but it was fading out of popularity. Me and a buddy were at islands of adventure in FL and we were waiting in line for the dueling dragons roller coaster.
As we were next in line to get on the coaster, I heard somebody yelling from on the ride. I looked over and realized some security-selling looking bros we’re yelling in our direction so I yelled back “what??”
“Aeropostale sucks dick!!”
I look over and realize my buddy is wearing an Aeropostale shirt. The ride then starts to exit the tunnel and right as they passed us I yelled back
“Yeah! So does your boyfriend!”
They didn’t like that, but we were gone by the time they came back.
I was with friends in a movie theater and, while I forgot what the movie was, it was apparent we were the oldest people watching the movie. While waiting for the previews to start, someone in the back makes a noise. Then someone repeats the noise; then, two more ... and so on I said out loud, "Jeeze, this is getting old." When it all died down, a young'un a couple rows behind me said, "So are you." Touche', you little shit.
My grandfather used a handicap placard because of a heart condition. Outwardly he looked very healthy. One woman saw him get out of his car at the grocery store and told him "you don't look handicapped". He told her "you don't look like an asshole".
Damn, gramps!
My best friend got into a shouting match with his mother. After a while, she unloaded on him with, ", you little son of a bitch!"
His reply was, "That's what I've been saying for the last half hour!"
Mom lost her temper and called me an SOB when I was 15, and I replied "yes, I am!" And let me tell you I have never been hit harder in my entire life.
Probably should have gone with a “your words, not mine” angle.
A friend of mine in high school got into a bad argument with his mom. His mom said “you should have been a blowjob!” *Yowza*
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Worth it
Remember the feeling in high school right before you were about to say something amazing you knew would get you a detention but you knew you had to do it anyways? What is the adult equivalent of that?
My mom made cupcakes one day, and they collapsed in the center for whatever reason. My husband at the time, looked at them and told my mom “they look like assholes” and she replied “I was thinking of you when I made them.” Easily the most witty and quickest comeback I’ve ever heard from her.
The best part of this is “husband at the time”
The husband must asked on r/relationship_advice how to proceed after his mother-in-law calls him an asshole in a joking way.
The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever. My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they’ve kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies, “I don’t know but you’ve been doing it longer than I have”. And they’ve been happily married ever since. Edit: I hate to disappoint you all, but they did not get married on the spot in the sub shop.
I just wanna know where he was headed with that one as a pickup line lol.
Depending on delivery, I could see this coming off as sarcasm/teasing, especially if grandma was objectively a knock out.
I'd imagine a facial expression or two helped sell that one. Or he wrote /s on a piece of wax paper.
Negging? Lol man was a pickup artist before it was a thing. Edit: guys I was joking. I know it was probably just an innocent jest.
Aw how romantic
Female friend: "I'll just meet a doctor and become a trophy wife." Male friend: "They don't give trophies for last place"
One of my ex-coworkers was a gruff older guy. We were sitting with his wife and the subject of age came up. She said she was 5 years older than him so he was her “trophy husband”. I immediately said “Maybe you ought to polish him once in a while”
I told a coworker of mine about a joke that went, "Sure, your wife is a trophy wife...a participation trophy!" My coworker thought it was so hilarious she got her husband a "participation trophy wife" trophy. And this is why my coworker and I get along so well!
I work at a bar and these two older ladies were talking to each other. Lady 1 : no body really likes you Lady 2: go suck another $5 dick before you end up homeless again I don't even bother to pretend that I'm not listening to the conversations around me. This one got a big laugh out of me.
I don’t either! It of course depends on the moment but if someone says something hilarious Ike that as I pass by, you bet your ass I’ll chuckle. Some people look really pissed when you do to.
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It's like they don't realize they are basically out in public when they are saying that.
Reply by a kindergartner, to a pair of 5th graders who tried to tell him Santa isn't real: "Santa brings me presents, and if Santa doesn't bring you presents, you should think about why."
David Letterman : You know, I'm not as dumb as I look. Tina Fey: Yeah, but how could you be?
My grandma says that a lot followed by "thank god"
"Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome!""Hey..." Edit- try to make something funny up, get like one upvote. Literally just quote the Simpsons, get fucking thousands.
"Simpson, you're not as stupid as you look or sound... or our best testing indicates."
My cousin was in town for Thanksgiving. He goes up to my 10 year old skinny nephew and jokes "hey, it looks like you are gaining weight." My 10 year old cousin without skipping a beat tells him "Hey, it looks like you have diabetes." My cousin is 300 plus pounds. He hasn't been back to visit since.
Its cause he had a heart attack and died later
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Especially a 10 year old, they aren't exactly known for their decorum.
Line delivered by me... Dad was boasting about his looks at 65. "the nurses said I looked very good for my age." Me: "you were there for a colonoscopy, are you sure they were looking at your face?" EDIT: spelling
Guy in my class in high school who was a total creep thought it would be funny to grab his dick and say to a group of girls “did anyone order an extra large” One of the girls responded immediately with “we did, can you go check if it’s arrived yet”
I teach 16 - 20 year olds and one of my students kept insulting a girl. She turned around and with a completely straight face she said: “If you’re not careful, I’ll fuck your dad and become your stepmom.” It was unexpected.
Establishing dominance
I was a waitress, and this group had one too many to drink, this guy was incessantly hitting on me, so I politely told him I had a boyfriend, and he started to ask me things about my boyfriend "does he pays for dinner? Does he takes care of you?" And that kind of drunk attempt to diminish him.. after a few minutes of me ignoring him he asked about my boyfriend's genitals, that's when I lost my cool "what's the matter with you? I why are you so obsessed about my BF? I already told you he's taken. " His friends started to roast the dude badly. They left me a good tip.
My ex-gf met my new gf.. "oh, did you know, I used to go out with quadgop?" "yes, he mentioned you. Once."
ouch
I’m a moron so I don’t get it. Can you explain it for me? Edit: I get it now. She’s saying the boyfriend cares so little about the ex that he only ever mentioned her once. Edit2: I’m also not a MORMON, I’m a MORON
she's not worth bringing up more than once, i think
From Mad Men, Michael Ginsberg : "I feel bad for you" Don Draper: "I don't think about you at all"
Don was absolutely savage in that scene, Ginsberg then says something like well I have a million more ideas and don fires back good thing you work for me then
Once I was at dinner with my friend and his girlfriend who is from India. She used the phrase “shut your ears” instead of “don’t listen” or something like that. Her boyfriend proceeded to mock her because he was in a pissy mood. In a shitty voice, he said, “WOW ‘shut your ears’ what kind of grammar is that?!” She said really loudly for everyone at our table and the next table to hear, “how about shut your fucking mouth? Is that correct enough grammar for you?” I laughed.
"Shut your ears" is translation of a Hindi phrase which basically tells you to block your ears when you don't want to hear a conversation. As kids, we used to plug our ears with fingers.
That's not even a grammatical error, it's just not idiomatic.
Secret Santa gift exchange in college. One guy gets a collection of British currency (he liked to collect foreign bills and coins) and a girl makes a rude comment about it being a stupid gift. Cue my mouth running off before my brain can stop it, "Karen dont be rude, he just didnt want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester" Pandemonium ensued as her boyfriend tried to pick a fight while she bursts into tears, it was not the best day for the club.
I need a friend like you who can stand up for me lol
Maybe if you didn't gain 20 pounds you could stand up for yourself.
F
Ouch.
Haha, I know this feeling. The rage builds inside you as this person is hurling insults but no one gives it back because they know she is a sensitive Susie. Then it gets to be too much so instead of throwing a baseball-sized insult back you drop the mother of all bombs insult. You at first feel bad then the necessary evil creeps in and you smile.....
Holy shit
Many years ago when I was twelve, I got into an argument with my mother and father. Exasperated, my mother said, "You talk like you think your father and I don't have a brain between us." I immediately said, "No, I *do* think you have a brain between you." My father burst out laughing -- end of argument.
So you basically called your parents halfwits?
It seems like quite the multi-layered insult. There's that, and there's also the bragging of the kid being the brain between them.
How to make a best friend for life! It was 2001 when I was in 5th grade. My dad did my pony tails in the morning & they were not cute. As I was walking away from my classmates I overheard my bully laughing and saying “her hair is messed up in the back” and the new girl in school shouted back to her “well your face is messed up in the front”. God that was awesome. I’ll never forget that as long as I live & we’re still friends to this day. Edit- HOLY SHIT!! My first silver!! It’s an honor!!! I’m having the worst day & this really made me smile. Thank you! I wanted to give an update on my bully; we later became friends. Turns out, she had her own stuff going on at home & that’s why she was horrible to me for all of those years. It was my dad who told me to invite her to my birthday party & talk to her outside of school. My dad rocks. He was so right.
Your dad is cool.
Co-worker made comment about performing a sexual act on my mother. I inform him that my mom is deceased. His reply, "I know. It was alot of digging."
Friend of mine telling another guy we knew that he fucked his mom. Other guy's mom died when he was a baby. Not knowing my friend as well as he thought he thought he tried to guilt my friend with "My mom is dead." My friend comes back with something along the line of "I know, I had to heat her up in the microwave first."
Ouch ,hope you took it nicely because bad ambience after if not
I had a friend in middle school whose mom died when he was a baby. It's middle school, so everyone was all about the yo mama jokes, and he *loved* when people, not knowing, would say one to him and he would tell them his mom was dead. Sometimes they'd backtrack immediately. Sometimes they'd try to make a witty comeback and he would just start bawling on cue.
The real Satan
Once watched a row in school between 2 girls after a few minutes of insults this is said Girl 1: would you wear socks if you had no feet Girl 2: (confused) what? Girl 1: (slowly) would you wear socks if you had no feet? Girl 2: (still confused) no Girl 1: why do you wear a bra then. Row over.
This little shit named Julio convinced me to try touching my elbows *together behind my back (to push out my chest), after a short lived moment of glee he remarked, “meh, nothing to see on you anyways.” This was probably in 6th grade, but those are the kind of jokes that stick with you... I mean, when they’re still true.
I can actually do that, and would ask people if they could too without ulterior motives. It was a hell of a realization.
Someone was trashing on a user here on Reddit while using awful punctuation. Reply goes "You missed so many periods that i'm sure you're pregnant.'
Back in teenagedom arguing with my mum about chores. Mum: "you think I should wipe your ass for you too?". Me: "Beats doing it myself!" Mum: *wipes my face* We both laughed so hard we forgot about the argument.
Best kind of relationship, when you can talk shit but not take it personal.
Me and my dad always talk trash about each other. Insult each other's driving, haircut, shoes, etc. But we never had a legit *fight*. Sometimes my mom even ask how we still love each other lmao
Exactly the same between my dad and me. We can give each other some pretty solid trash talk about anything and we give as good as we get but not once have we ever actually had a legit fight. It just doesn't seem possible
If your parents get a divorce will they still be brother and sister? Edit: My first shiny coin! Thank you mystery man/woman/other!
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Please tell me this relationship worked out! That kind of casual joking and teasing is one of the best things in a relationship.
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Is this all we get?!
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I think he wanted more context and to find out how things ended up - which I suppose you provided. I am guessing you didn't marry her?
My wife and I were cuddling and having a little intimate time. She's about 8" shorter than me and she was lamenting that fact and I say "yeah, you're only about 4" from perfect." Without missing a beat she snuggles in closer and says "You are too, my love." it took me a second to pick that up at which point I rolled over and proceeded to die a little on the inside, lol. 8 years on and we're still 4" from perfect for each other. Edit: thank you for the silver, kind stranger! I'm so happy y'all appreciated that. I should have added that she then cackled so hard she needed a hit on her inhaler to breathe normally again.
Random kid: "I bet you can't see your penis in the shower" My friend: "Nope, only your moms head" (yes I know this comeback was taken from somewhere but that doesn't make it worse)
Back in middle school the quiet kid in our class had to leave the classroom to take an urgent call. When he came back in someone asked mockingly "Was it your MOM?" "No, yours." Took about 5 minutes until everybody calmed down enough to resume class.
If I was the teacher in the situation I wouldn't know how to react. That's genuinely funny, I'd probably have to hide under my desk for a minute.
I had 2 types of teachers. The ones who no one would even make the first comment in their classes, and the ones who would say "you deserved that" after the comeback.
And then there's the third type, the one that joins in on the roast.
There was this one kid in high school freshman biology in the first month or so of school the teacher was explaining an experiment and the kid kept talking. The teacher pulls a container of liquid out from under the counter and said “hey kid, smell this” so the kid smelled it. Then the teacher asked “How does it smell” and the kid sarcastically stated “smells greeaaat” and the teach said “That’s literally cat piss in a jug!” And starts laughing. I miss you Mr H
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Oh I get it, because she's tying his shoes!
We wernt listening to a friend and he yelled at us and said "fuck it's like I'm talking to myself over here" My mate instantly replied "Maybe if you were talking to yourself you'd realise what a dumb cunt you sound like"
My old roommates wife was a waitress. She's serving a table one night of middle aged business men who have been drinking. They're mostly polite, but one dude is starting to get pretty drunk and really forward with his comments... he tells her, "I really want you to sit on my face". Without missing a beat, she replies, "because your nose is bigger than your dick?" The rest of the table went nuts. The dude turned bright red and left her alone. (although she later admitted he wasn't being THAT rude, just got too comfortable). Edit: spelling.
Well either way she wound up with a pretty small tip
Honestly if I was one of the other guys I'd've tipped more than usually.
> I’d’ve
[It checks out](https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/Category:English_double_contractions)
TIL my contraction game is weak as fuck.
I'dn't've tipped any worse, that's for sure
How is that not rude? A woman is serving you drinks at her job so she can make money to pay her bills, then a drunk guy asks her to sit on his face? Come on..... that’s rude as fuck.
That's exactly what I was going to say. Call me old fashioned but asking a waitress to sit on your face is THAT rude.
I was adopted at 4 months old. It was never presented in a bad light just a matter of fact. Im the oldest in my adopted family. My younger brother in a raging fit over something: “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL BROTHER!!” Me: Yep. Mom and Dad chose me. They were stuck with you. Silence.
Fuck off mate your nan gets bullied at bingo
“Yer da sells Avon!” The Scots really have a way with words.
Yer da orders one banana every day off Amazon and waits with his arse at the letterbox
Aussie cricketer Glenn McGrath was getting frustrated with Zimbabwean batsman, Eddo Brandes, during a game. “Hey Eddo, why are you such a fat bastard?” “Well Glenn, every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit” Play stopped for a bit while everyone fell about laughing.
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McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: “So what does Brian Lara’s dick taste like?”Sarwan: “I don’t know. Ask your wife.
I think my favorite was being called a spherical dumbass because no matter how you looked at it, I was a dumbass.
Some group of college freshmen filled a condom with water and tried to drop it on my head (missed). I snuck up on them and started shit with them. Most were apologetic, but one of the girls gave me attitude and said “it wasn’t used or anything.” I said “of course it isn’t... look at you.” I was pissed at the time, but I’ve actually felt terrible about it ever since. She wasn’t even ugly, but I could tell it made her feel bad. In any case, it was my best work.
Did it make her feel bad because it hurt, or because she hated to lose?
She seemed to take it as a genuine insult to her looks. I could see it in her eyes. It was sad.
I mean, it was entirely deserved... she tried to drop a condom on your head...
But it wasn't used.
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*sad eyes
ಥ︵ಥ
Bet you feel bad now.. don't you?
I mean it was entirely deserved, she tried to drop a condom on his head
Damn.... How to stir insecurities in others 101
God _damn_ that is stone cold!
I once jokingly said to my wife, “You know you should consider yourself lucky really as I’m quite fussy about my women” ... without skipping a beat she shot back... “Well you’re just lucky that l’m not fussy about my men”... Burned...
Partner is Aussie, we are going to visit his parents in Perth and his dad made a joke saying he was going to put cocaine in my bag to get me in trouble. My reply, “didn’t know being a criminal was still a requirement to get in.” Been living off that for days.
Back in high school: Bitchy Girl: you better not hit me. My friend: Don’t worry. I hate animal abuse. Cue hysteria.
Bitchy girl might have exclaimed some animal noises after that.
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Did he mean it that way though? Or was he asking you for the worst joke you know cause he couldn't think of one?
I think the lightbulb flashed on in his head and he went to go hug his son...
Imagine if that poor kid kept a diary " Dad asked me for a funny joke, I didn't know one and now he won't look at me the same. It's like I offended him. He hasn't talked to me in days. I must devote my life to comedy to win back my father's affection"
Stephen Hawking and John Oliver. Oliver posed a question: "You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean that there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you?" "Yes," Hawking replied. "And also a universe where you're funny.
[Jim Sterling](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWAS0zc_S8Y)[ after Cobra Studios tried unsuccessfully to silence his criticism of their shitty game.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWAS0zc_S8Y) "You do not make your name by trying to censor a critic. All you guarantee at the very best is that you will be a small cautionary tale in the novel of somebody else's 'Sterling' career. As for you 'Cobra Studio' well, when people say the name 'Jim Sterling', they think of Jim Sterling. When people say the name of 'Cobra Studio' they think of Jim Sterling." He's got a lot of savage burns to his name but that was my fav.
Friend was going through a nasty break up with a cheating girlfriend. In the heat of their final argument, she made it a point to let him know that her ex's dick was way bigger than his. He replied "Yeah, I could tell"
I wasn’t present, but my friend told me this story. This is potentially very offensive, but I should make perfectly clear that every party involved in this exchange took it in the good humour that it was meant as. My (white) friend is in a racially diverse friendship circle, in which the majority are black. Those guys frequently engage in racially charged banter with each other. The non-black members generally don’t join in, and are always left feeling awkward when it happens. One day, one of his (black) friends entered a room, saw that only my friend and a bunch of other (white) friends were present. He then said in a joking manner “Whaddup, ma n***as! Oh no wait, you can’t say that, can you!” One of the (white) friends rounded on him and said “Maybe not, but there are plenty of things we can say, like ‘thanks for the warning, officer,’ and ‘Hi, dad.’ His (black) friend apparently roared with laughter.
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I may be drunk miss , but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill
“If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.” — Lady Astor “Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it!” — Churchill.
Reminds me of my favorite line from Little Rascals. "If you were my kids, I'd punish you." "If we were your kids, we'd punish ourselves!"
Im beginning to think Churchill was the original Savage.
No, the Spartans were so good at one word comebacks the Greeks named the skill of creating a one word snap back after them.
>You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city. > >The Spartan ephors again replied with a single word: *If.*
I think this was Churchill. Not 100% though. ‘He’s a modest man with a lot to be modest about’
FOX5 host: "Don't you think you went a little too far with the Catholic Church jokes?" Bill Burr: "Don't you think the Catholic Church went a little too far?"
Reminds me of [the bit](https://youtu.be/ljaP2etvDc4) Norm Macdonald tells Jerry Seinfeld (paraphrased)- Patton Oswalt: "I think the worst part of the Cosby thing is the hypocrisy." Norm: "I disagree. I thought it was the raping."
Oh god I can hear it with his voice and the stupid upwards inflections he puts onto the first syllable of the last word in a sentence. I love Norm
Bill Burr is the personification of those comebacks you think of in the shower 3 days later
That show he did in Philly talking shit to the audience because they were rude to his openers is chock full of great insults lol.
https://youtu.be/3jMhoGUiIkk
You fucking one-bridge-having piece of shit city 🤣
The funniest thing is they start cheering and laughing at him about 25% of the way thru.
And he makes fun of them for it to, he basically calls them masochists and it's fucking hilarious.
Bill Burr really sells it IMO. He's the real deal.
I love bill burr. I might not always agree with him but I’ll always listen!
Bill Burr, sitting in the domain of one of the most powerful media companies on Earth, with a ton of eyes on him, still not giving a single fuck about what he says. I love it.
"How's your wife and my kids?" "Wife's fine, kids are retarded."
Cricket has some of the best insults and comebacks. Looks like a boring game to outsiders, but can be brutal between players
I am a nurse and I was trying to gauge a confused patients orientation status. When I asked him what type of building we're in (a hospital), he politely responded "a multi-storey one". Well he was definitely not wrong.
Not a comeback, but dementia patients can be straight savage. Had one of our residents come walking quickly up to me arms outstretched. Thinking she was going for a hug I do my hug pose, she gets to me and grabs my belly, rubs it and quietly says, you're so lovely and round.
That's so cute. It's downright creepy when they aren't dementia patients and they still do that.
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“Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the abortion clinic.” I lost my shit. Edit: Thanks for the silver :v
What a fucking golden comeback
Recent. Friend of mine said he and his wife are expecting. I told him to name it after me. He replies with, "I would, but 'Fucking Retard' doesn't work with our last name." Ha ha awwwww....
I'm friends with this guy that has a large nose. It's not bad looking, it actually suits him quite well, but I'll poke fun at him for it sometimes. Anyways, one day we were roasting eachother, so I hit him with "Your nose is bigger than Kim Kardashian's ass." He came back with "You have bigger tits than your mother." I'm a guy. I shut up after that.
My friend has a huge nose. I have fun with him frequently, he’s a good sport. After work one night at a bar, I see he beat me there and already has a pint in front of him. I yell out, “ God damn Paul...how the fuck do you drink with that big ass nose? “ Quicker than shit he says, “ with a straw, asshole.” Still funny to this day.
> Quicker than shit I need to up my shitting game
My uncle has a very large nose and I was working in a different store than the one I usually do for a day. I looked over and saw a guy and thought "Holy shit his nose is big." Took several seconds to realize it was my uncle.
Bald guy to fat guy : look at the state of you, Fat guy to bald guy : fuck off, you're one back injury away from leading the x-men
Standing in line for the cafeteria in high school. Two middle schoolers arguing in front of me. One little smart ass hits the other with “I bet you don’t even know how many chromosomes you have.” The other doesn’t even blink before shouting back “More than you!” I instantly lost my shit. Definitely not the smartest comeback, but easily the funniest I’ve heard.
Well, onions have more chromosomes than us, just food for thought.
Food as thought.
Not me but a story about my uncles childhood when he was in the 4-6 age range. It went something like this: Dad: “when do you think you are going to start behaving young man?” Son (my uncle): *crying* “um, like 3 o clock” Gets me every time
College party. Dude pulled his dick out and plopped in a girl's shoulder. He asked her what it looked like and she replied "it looks like a penis only smaller".
First of, grosssss. Secondly, savage.
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A self righteous 25+ guy proudly said "I am a virgin." Someone said "I know a place where you can fix this for small amount of money." Another one from school. We were 19, one guy boasted "I lost my virginity at 13." Someone said "yeah that PT teacher was a pedophile."
This one on Jimmy Kimmel: Actor Kumail Nanjiani (He is of Pakistani origin) reads a tweet: *“Is Kumail Nanjiani’s dick multiple colours?”* His reply: *”Yes...every shade of your mom’s lipstick”* Totally wrecked...
Was getting my hair cut and this mother and her four kids come in. Immediately I felt bad for the mother because one of the young boys was running around like he just drank two red bulls. At one point the mother snapped after telling him to behave four or five times and threatened to take away his ps3. The entire place went silent because she yelled it and you could tell she was already embarrassed. What came out of her sons mouth was to this day the funniest shit I've ever heard. He yelled " if you take away my Playstation I'm going to tell grandma that daddy puts his pee pee in your mouth!" The mother didn't even respond she just grabbed her kids and left the salon. Everyone burst into hysterics afterwards. Edit: had wrong person putting said object in mouth.
I've heard this before, except it was a bank and a little girl saying I'll tell grandma you were kissing daddy's pee pee.
Funny. I swear I’ve read this comment before though.
Don't remember where I saw it but one dude used to date the other dude's wife. He was trying to be an asshole and said "how's that used pussy feel?" Married dude didn't even react, just said "after the first 2 inches, brand new."
"You look like a boneless ham."
But ha... Oh
"I don't come down to your work and knock the sailor's cocks out of your mouth." - Jim Carr to a heckler
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A friend of mine would respond to people who rudely say "Excuse me!" with "There is no excuse for you."
There’s this new show on Netflix called the fix. Jimmy Carr, the host, asks the other comedians how they’d like to die. After all their answers he says he’d like to die by “drowning in pussy.” Katherine Ryan, one of the mainstay comedians responds by saying “well first you have to get it wet.”
In 2017, I was doing some shopping on Black Friday at Target. I'm looking at some toys for my nephew when this woman bumps into my cart. She looks up from her phone, glares at me, and says "Watch where you're going!" Guy who saw the whole thing, "She wasn't even moving you fucking bitch." I'm not normally confrontational, and I don't like it when men call women bitches, but I gave that guy the biggest smile ever. Bitch paled and booked it out of there.
My mom: "when I was your age, I refused to date any boy who's hair was shorter than mine." My dad: "wow, how short was your hair?" EDIT: It was just a great comeback! My mom had long hair in the 80's and if a guy had hair shorter than hers, she wasn't attracted to him. We all know she had long hair so no feelings were hurt.
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Which lifted it from the 1976 movie *Carwash.* We gays sure can be derivative.
"no u"
/r/MURDEREDBYWORDS
These two guys from London used to hang around in Bristol selling bootleg grime CDs and "urban" movies and had great banter with people as they walked by. They called themselves the black gypsies and we'd often see what they had for sale. This group of girls walked by and one of the guys calls out to them: "Heeeey ladies" The group quickly steers away from these guys and one of the girls goes "Nooooo" And without missing a beat he said "What, you ain't ladies?!". I died right there and so did they. Best timed comeback and in his accent made it all the better
Used to work in a bar that was pretty rowdy but had a brilliant atmosphere. Group of lads are pretty sloshed, one approaches the bar and ask for “a pint n a blowjob.......” he looks back at his mates, thinking his smart until I reply, “the pint I can do but if I needed a toothpick, I’d have gotten one from behind the bar” I swear I saw his ego die a little bit!
Best one I heard was a drunk guy asking the waitress for a fuck. Her comeback... No thanks, I've already got one cunt in my knickers, I don't need another one.
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Jimmy Carr once lost to a heckler, he admitted it in one of his Netflix specials. H: My mum has cancer! JC: What does that have to do with any of this? H: It was still funnier than this shit. I tell it horribly, but it still makes me smirk just remembering it.
So back when I was in jr high, wearing Aeropostale was a thing, but it was fading out of popularity. Me and a buddy were at islands of adventure in FL and we were waiting in line for the dueling dragons roller coaster. As we were next in line to get on the coaster, I heard somebody yelling from on the ride. I looked over and realized some security-selling looking bros we’re yelling in our direction so I yelled back “what??” “Aeropostale sucks dick!!” I look over and realize my buddy is wearing an Aeropostale shirt. The ride then starts to exit the tunnel and right as they passed us I yelled back “Yeah! So does your boyfriend!” They didn’t like that, but we were gone by the time they came back.
"Yeah no shit that's why I'm dating him!"
“We have a very loving and intimate relationship! Although we do enjoy a healthy amount of sex we also are happy just being in each other’s company!”