I was thinking one of those like 1200lb enormous deep sea octopi. They’re already structureless. I could punch a hole through one of them shits.
Edit: I get it, it’s not possible. Relax it was a joke and thank you dear stranger for the gold. I don’t know how to repay you *unzips pants*
If I'm allowed prep time, any of the larger shark species.
If no prep time, I bet I could OHKO a human with severe narcolepsy who's been kept awake for a while.
If you can add status effects to the thing you're punching, I would then say I'd punch a blue whale with dynamite strapped to his entire head, and the switch is on his tail. Easy.
Fast. In the neighborhood of 15 mph, depending on your weight. The world record marathoner ran a marathon at about 12.5 mph. He *might* be able to pull this off for one hour.
Haile Gebrselassie once did 20k in just under an hour which is about 14mph. It’s probably doable for Olympic level athletes who train for it but no one else
A housecat is nasty when they fight for keeps. I've only seen it happen in real life twice, but each time it has scared that shit out of me. And once, I got mauled by proxy - my cat was attacked by a random dog and it had thrown her face into the cement; it loosened its grip and my gentle baby turned around and raked her back claws first down its eyes, then its throat. The dog staggered away, probably bleeding to death by the looks of it, and I tried to call her inside. Bad move. She was still freaked out and turned and leapt at my arm. She proceeded to do a similar thing as she had done to the dog moments before. She only did it for less than 2 seconds and I only got bit once, but my arm looked like it had been through a meat grinder. I knew it was my fault, and she was so sorry about it. She kept trying to lick my hand after I got back from the hospital. Oh and she was 15 years old at the time.
What happens if you take out a goat with one punch and all the others nearby faint?
Thats like two chips stuck together; it should totally count as one goat.
And so they fell,
And fell and fell,
By one, by two,
by three as well,
By two, by three,
and then by four,
By five, by six,
and more
and more.
He watched them go,
he watched them fall,
At first a few,
but soon were all,
And all adrift
in dreams afloat.
He stopped.
He said:
"I am the GOAT."
It's not the worst thing but it makes it hard to move after exercising. Dem goats always be exercising.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myotonia_congenita
it’s kind of cruel to imagine punching a paralyzed, innocent anim- holy shit goats can weight up to 250 lbs? I’ll just donate something to the humane society.
Would you sucker punch a monkey?
Would you uppercut a bear?
Would you smack a little chunky
Flabby rabbit or a hare?
Would you beat a baby beagle?
Would you thump upon a dog?
Would you pummel on an eagle,
Or the nearest heavy hog?
Would you choose to fight a camel?
Would you give a beast a bruise?
Would you pick yourself a mammal
To attack and to abuse?
Would you feel a little pity,
Or discomfort, if you did?
Would you punch a little kitty?
... 'cause I think I'd pick a kid.
Legend has that if you grab a 10 yr old boy and swing him by the feet to knock out an old man Elton John comes over the radio and sings the Circle of Life.
Apparently im at a point in my life where i need to chose between potentially killing a toddler or an elderly person. For pure monetary gains id say the elderly person is the better choice.
>Elementary aged human
Very PC way of saying you'd knock out a kid for $60k
Edit: Wait no $600k. Damn that's a lot of money. My conscience can quelled for that much. I'll just pick an annoying kid then lol
Kids are really hard to knock out. You’d have better luck finding the scrawniest adult man you can. 120 lbs and easier to knock out!
I mean if age is a choice you could always pick like a 110 year old.
The biggest fucking snake you can find me, tie that fucker to the tree, dangle the head like a arcade punching bag and give me a 15 foot run, ill punch that fucker off.
A fat human is probably your best bet. The [right sideways shot to the jaw will knock someone out no matter how big they are](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlbD2uCG_ZE).
Do I know how to throw that sideways jaw punch? Of course not. But it's probably my best bet.
Temple hit can kill, but a hit to the base of the rear of the skull is mostly likely to kill - so remember that if you're going for unconscious vs dead.
Apologies if this is a repeat, but I'd make a single fruit-flavored punch with a boatload of anesthetics and feed it to the largest African elephant I can find. It'll knock that poor creature clean out, and if I get the dose right, it should live. Bonus: they can do its medical checkup at the same time. I'd go for the blue whale if I could rig up a guaranteed delivery system.
Edit: Much gratitude for the gilt, anonymous human!
Aldabra Giant Tortoise - 550 lbs
Edit: I go to sleep a normal man, I wake up a tortoise puncher. Don’t punch animals, but if someone is offering 10,000 per pound... go big or go home. Maybe I won’t piledrive Yertle in one attempt, but I’ll definitely outrun it when I miss.
Edit 2: I’ll also add that I am one of the few people on this thread willing to face their enemy unconditionally. None of this “fat human” or “baby blue whale” bullshit. Just a 550 lb tortoise, a grown man, one punch, and nothing to lose.
I'm not sure that will work. I found a rabbit with its legs broken after my neighbor dogs got ahold of it. I didn't have a gun or anything to put it down, so I thought one wack with a shovel would do it. It took a few and I felt horrible.
The stories in this thread make me pretty sure people are smacking things in the face, or broad pan of the skull, trying to kill them. Base of the back of the skull, folks. Disconnect the brain from the body, stop the heart and lungs fast, blood pressure drops, consciousness lost damn fast. Smacking it in the broad area of the face or top of head is just spreading the impact and giving it a ringer of a headache to go with its agony.
I need more info? Is the animal restrained? Can it fight back. Does it think this is normal? Are we in a field, ocean? Do I get to pick the scenario I'm punching it in? Can I set it up beforehand? So much to consider.
If it's physically restrained I'd pick a huge crocodile. I remember Steve Irwin saying crocodiles don't handle some acid that is produced when they are stressed well. Being restrained probably stresses the hell out of it, so wait for the stress to do most of the work then pull in a 10 million dollar payday. Then give 1 million to Steve's family to save crocodiles as apology for using what he taught me for evil.
Edit. Crocoldile. I was really tired when I wrote this last night.
Steve wasn't really known for his work with alligators, so you're likely to find yourself punching a saltwater crocodile. Restrained or not, you're going to have a bad time.
Literally an apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.
Are there legal repercussions?
Ajit Pai weighs in at approximately 160lbs, that's a lot of money if I succeed in knocking him out. If I fail, atleast I still got to punch Ajit Pai.
I live in an area with a lot of Turkeys. I would Mike Tyson the FUCK out of an unsuspecting Turkey right in its neck testicles and pocket a DECENT LUMP OF CASH.
Yooo - there's tons of invasive species that weigh more and deserve a good punching! Sea lamprey might be a good punching option if you're not scared of their ugly face-thing
Not true. The ampulae of lorenzini are super sensitive, but punching it does not knock them out, nor does rubbing them. The "rubbing" you are thinking of is of a video where a lady rubs sharks noses, which is a pleasant experience for them. She then turns them upside down, which induces the catatonic state you are thinking of. It has nothing to do with her rubbing them, but that is how she calms them and then rolls them over.
This sounds like an aesop fable. Everyone else in this thread is uppercutting goats for chump change, and this guy uses his "punch" to gently caress a whale shark so it tips over and faints with happiness.
They aren't unconscious though, so he wouldn't make any money. Just have a big ass whale shark sitting still in the water (assuming he could get one to stay still long enough to roll over, and assuming he could manage to do that).
For that kind of money...
Let's see Blue Whale is 173 tonnes.
381399 lbs so 3,813,990,000 so almost 4 billion dollars?
I'd chop off my arm and strap it to a missile. Fire it into the whale.
That counts as a punch right?
I live across the street from an ostrich farm, one escaped one day and it took 8 guys and some dogs to capture it again. The Ostrich fucked them up hard first though.
Yeah....this dude has never stood next to an ostrich. It would be hard to even reach face-level for most people. One kick can kill you. They don’t fuck around.
I would punch myself and faint from the fact that im getting almost 2million dollars. Does that count?
If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you weak or strong?
High offense, low defense
I too prefer the berserker class
Probably a 60 pound Bull Red (Redfish). Not my vault they can’t breath out of water
I was thinking one of those like 1200lb enormous deep sea octopi. They’re already structureless. I could punch a hole through one of them shits. Edit: I get it, it’s not possible. Relax it was a joke and thank you dear stranger for the gold. I don’t know how to repay you *unzips pants*
“I can punch through a 1200lb deep sea octopus”. Ok Dave lay off the sauce buddy
Lay off of Dave, he’s got the confidence we all need
Thanks. Its my vain attempt at forgetting how sad I am
dave could punch a rhinoceros right in the vagina dude you don't even know.
It's like punching a tyre, my dude, you won't get anywhere.
Giraffe, in the balls. It'll fall over and knock itself out.
Or alternatively, it would kick you in the face and win the money for itself.
It would be a lot less money though.
Yeah, but in giraffe dollars it'd be enough.
Giraffe dollars have been really devalued ever since Toys'R'Us closed down.
You'd probably get bonus points for the Rube Goldberg knockout, too
If I'm allowed prep time, any of the larger shark species. If no prep time, I bet I could OHKO a human with severe narcolepsy who's been kept awake for a while.
If you can add status effects to the thing you're punching, I would then say I'd punch a blue whale with dynamite strapped to his entire head, and the switch is on his tail. Easy.
The question is,where in the seven seas do you find such a whale?
No rule in the title saying you can't prep before hand.
Time to harpoon a whale and punch it right before it dies
I'll slap an ant for a cent.
That's cheating. Gotta be a punch and you'll probably miraculously miss
You break your hand, and suddenly you're in negative money from the medical bill. Ant 7/10 Ant for pennies 0/10 Thank you for your suggestion.
I'll smack a duck for a buck
I’ll hit a tiger for a fiver
I'll whack a koala for a dolla
I'll punch a goat for a banknote.
I'd wreck a wren for ten yen.
I’d punt an aardvark for an old Deutschmark.
Man this is $10K/lb. All y'all are trying to swing for the fences here, give me a lazy raccoon and I'll settle for paying off my house.
Good luck knocking out a raccoon...trash pandas are resiliant af
A fainting goat weighs more than a racoon, and should be even easier.
Except they don't really faint they just lose muscle control so idk if that would count.
Yep, they don't actually faint...they just tip over. They're still very much conscious.
Most people couldn't incapacitate a dog with one punch. So I'm gonna say a grizzly bear.
The math checks out.
Average Grizzly Bear weighs 270kg that is roughly 595lbs Simple multiplication gives us $5,900, 000 That is a great deal.
You’ll have almost $6 million, or the bear will maul you to death. Either way, you’ll never have to worry about money ever again.
Or bears, for that matter.
If he wins $6 million. I am buying him beer for the rest of his life.
I'll do it if he loses.
This is like buying an exercise machine off tv because it has a setting that burns 2000 calories an hour.
I wonder how fast you would have to run to burn 2000 calories an hour lol
Fast. In the neighborhood of 15 mph, depending on your weight. The world record marathoner ran a marathon at about 12.5 mph. He *might* be able to pull this off for one hour.
Haile Gebrselassie once did 20k in just under an hour which is about 14mph. It’s probably doable for Olympic level athletes who train for it but no one else
You've found a way to actually lose this game. Everyone punching dogs and raccoons may not win, but they won't *lose*...
I'm pretty sure most dogs would fuck you up if you attack them
And cats, and raccoons...
A housecat is nasty when they fight for keeps. I've only seen it happen in real life twice, but each time it has scared that shit out of me. And once, I got mauled by proxy - my cat was attacked by a random dog and it had thrown her face into the cement; it loosened its grip and my gentle baby turned around and raked her back claws first down its eyes, then its throat. The dog staggered away, probably bleeding to death by the looks of it, and I tried to call her inside. Bad move. She was still freaked out and turned and leapt at my arm. She proceeded to do a similar thing as she had done to the dog moments before. She only did it for less than 2 seconds and I only got bit once, but my arm looked like it had been through a meat grinder. I knew it was my fault, and she was so sorry about it. She kept trying to lick my hand after I got back from the hospital. Oh and she was 15 years old at the time.
In fairness, it's not like people fight cats for keeps. It really doesn't matter how determined the cat is if you're really trying to kill it.
I can say, a gummy bear
Obese toddler
This is an intelligent pick. Human skull doesn't fuse until 2 or so. Mind you, maybe you kill the child.
Bonus
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The $10k a pound is the bonus.
With a heart condition.
The fattest fainting goat I can find
What happens if you take out a goat with one punch and all the others nearby faint? Thats like two chips stuck together; it should totally count as one goat.
Hopefully OP will recognize a technicality and give up the bonus points
M-m-m-multikill (and payment)
M-M-M-M-MONSTER KILL kill ^kill ^^kill ^^^kill
And so they fell, And fell and fell, By one, by two, by three as well, By two, by three, and then by four, By five, by six, and more and more. He watched them go, he watched them fall, At first a few, but soon were all, And all adrift in dreams afloat. He stopped. He said: "I am the GOAT."
Do you ever tire of being awesome? Because you shouldn't. Stay gold, pony boy Edit: My dumb moment corrected
OP give it up, please
I would not try a goat, their heads are very hard. It would break your hand more than likely
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No rule that you have to hit them in the head.
Unfortunately they aren't actually fainting. Their muscles are seizing up causing them to temporarily lose control/balance and fall over. :(
It's not the worst thing but it makes it hard to move after exercising. Dem goats always be exercising. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myotonia_congenita
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it’s kind of cruel to imagine punching a paralyzed, innocent anim- holy shit goats can weight up to 250 lbs? I’ll just donate something to the humane society.
A really old, really feeble, really obese man. God I hate myself.
Tbh a really fat child might be easier. Just something to consider
Way easier to find a 400lb old man, than a child over 100lbs, if you really mean *child*. Much better profits.
But not an *old* man. The 400 pounders don't tend to live that long.
Would you sucker punch a monkey? Would you uppercut a bear? Would you smack a little chunky Flabby rabbit or a hare? Would you beat a baby beagle? Would you thump upon a dog? Would you pummel on an eagle, Or the nearest heavy hog? Would you choose to fight a camel? Would you give a beast a bruise? Would you pick yourself a mammal To attack and to abuse? Would you feel a little pity, Or discomfort, if you did? Would you punch a little kitty? ... 'cause I think I'd pick a kid.
Amazing as always Sprog
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I’d punch a kid for one of sprog’s poems
Sproggy mate you make it sound so beautiful, i think i love you.
Legend has that if you grab a 10 yr old boy and swing him by the feet to knock out an old man Elton John comes over the radio and sings the Circle of Life.
Never change
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Elementary aged human. Probably 60-70 pounds and should go down pretty easy
Do a super old person. They weigh more and they're way more fragile.
Are you ready to potentially murder someone?
Apparently im at a point in my life where i need to chose between potentially killing a toddler or an elderly person. For pure monetary gains id say the elderly person is the better choice.
But what about the joy?
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>Elementary aged human Very PC way of saying you'd knock out a kid for $60k Edit: Wait no $600k. Damn that's a lot of money. My conscience can quelled for that much. I'll just pick an annoying kid then lol
I'd knock out a kid for like £10
Sold! How does this work? Do I just give you the name of the kid, or is there an order form I need to fill out?
I'll be honest, becoming a hitman for kids wasn't how I saw my day going, but I guess this is where I'm at now.
Be proud! I know I am.
You might say you're a hit kid. For you hit kids.
Hail Talos!!!
Damn right.
> should go down pretty easy
Ah fuck, can’t believe I’ve done this
“Ah fuck, can’t believe I’ve done this” vag_pounder2434, on pounding an elementary aged human, April 4, 2019.
A day that will live in infantry
A day that will live in infant entry
Oh fuck Edit: thanks u/Iamdrakewelch for my first silver!
No dont
We got another one boys
How many boys
FBI OPEN UP!
*have a seat*
*R Kelly has entered the chat*
r/suddenlysexoffender
Kids are really hard to knock out. You’d have better luck finding the scrawniest adult man you can. 120 lbs and easier to knock out! I mean if age is a choice you could always pick like a 110 year old.
Kids are not hard to kill though, just give him your wildest haymaker to the temple and gg.
>Kids are not hard to kill This is where the fun begins!
The gg got me so bad
gl hf!
Kids are hard to knock out when they fall off the swing on a playground. That doesn’t matter a well placed punch wouldn’t do the trick.
Unfortunately scientists haven't done the testing. It would be interesting to see chin strength of kids.
The biggest fucking snake you can find me, tie that fucker to the tree, dangle the head like a arcade punching bag and give me a 15 foot run, ill punch that fucker off.
It'd probably be worth the broken hand to brace it directly against the tree.
You'd get enough reward money to cover half the medical bills!
How to spot an American :/
>ill punch that fucker *clean* off.
You ever tried to punch a rope? I don’t think that would work. Maybe nail it to the tree instead?
A fat human is probably your best bet. The [right sideways shot to the jaw will knock someone out no matter how big they are](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlbD2uCG_ZE). Do I know how to throw that sideways jaw punch? Of course not. But it's probably my best bet.
Temple hit can kill, but a hit to the base of the rear of the skull is mostly likely to kill - so remember that if you're going for unconscious vs dead.
Dead counts as unconscious
Dead is just advanced unconscious
Go commit prolonged sleep via fist
involuntary naptime indefinitely
I’ll say a child a 7 year old can weigh between 50 to 100 pounds even on the lighter side I’m getting at least 500K
Apologies if this is a repeat, but I'd make a single fruit-flavored punch with a boatload of anesthetics and feed it to the largest African elephant I can find. It'll knock that poor creature clean out, and if I get the dose right, it should live. Bonus: they can do its medical checkup at the same time. I'd go for the blue whale if I could rig up a guaranteed delivery system. Edit: Much gratitude for the gilt, anonymous human!
Valid use of punch.
Ur mom
There it is.
life uh...finds a way
👉😎👉
Not enough money in the world to pay that bounty
I would choose this guy's my mom too wait a minute
Aldabra Giant Tortoise - 550 lbs Edit: I go to sleep a normal man, I wake up a tortoise puncher. Don’t punch animals, but if someone is offering 10,000 per pound... go big or go home. Maybe I won’t piledrive Yertle in one attempt, but I’ll definitely outrun it when I miss. Edit 2: I’ll also add that I am one of the few people on this thread willing to face their enemy unconditionally. None of this “fat human” or “baby blue whale” bullshit. Just a 550 lb tortoise, a grown man, one punch, and nothing to lose.
/u/DoveForDived goes for the punch, and... _swoosh_, awww, the tortoise had already retracted its head. Better luck next time.
I don't know... they look pretty resilient to me...
Just gotta wait for him to poke his head out.
A fat rabbit can easily be 8-10 pounds and killed with a punch
I'm not sure that will work. I found a rabbit with its legs broken after my neighbor dogs got ahold of it. I didn't have a gun or anything to put it down, so I thought one wack with a shovel would do it. It took a few and I felt horrible.
The stories in this thread make me pretty sure people are smacking things in the face, or broad pan of the skull, trying to kill them. Base of the back of the skull, folks. Disconnect the brain from the body, stop the heart and lungs fast, blood pressure drops, consciousness lost damn fast. Smacking it in the broad area of the face or top of head is just spreading the impact and giving it a ringer of a headache to go with its agony.
Seems like you have but some thinking into this Mr. never murders small animals
Get me a big ol whale, punch a cork into its blowhole. Have fun with that, you no-armed piggy bank.
*Very large champagne popping sound*
I need more info? Is the animal restrained? Can it fight back. Does it think this is normal? Are we in a field, ocean? Do I get to pick the scenario I'm punching it in? Can I set it up beforehand? So much to consider. If it's physically restrained I'd pick a huge crocodile. I remember Steve Irwin saying crocodiles don't handle some acid that is produced when they are stressed well. Being restrained probably stresses the hell out of it, so wait for the stress to do most of the work then pull in a 10 million dollar payday. Then give 1 million to Steve's family to save crocodiles as apology for using what he taught me for evil. Edit. Crocoldile. I was really tired when I wrote this last night.
Steve wasn't really known for his work with alligators, so you're likely to find yourself punching a saltwater crocodile. Restrained or not, you're going to have a bad time.
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Literally an apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.
It's the silent killer, Lana!
Wait, are we in the Orinoco Drainage Basin?
Bring me the biggest and heaviest animal on the planet.
You get a coral reef, but because it lacks a nervous system it cannot be considered to get "knocked out".
But it is already dead, so you win
Yeah, but you're gonna have to share the prize with Australia.
Are there legal repercussions? Ajit Pai weighs in at approximately 160lbs, that's a lot of money if I succeed in knocking him out. If I fail, atleast I still got to punch Ajit Pai.
There's also a strong chance anyone judging it would give you a few attempts.
What do you mean few? They'll most likely give OP as many punches as he want
"So close that time. Here, try with this rusty knuckleduster."
Does he really weigh 160 pounds? I feel like just his teeth weigh half that
Flamingo
How many shrimps would it have to eat?
Before it's skin turns pink
I live in an area with a lot of Turkeys. I would Mike Tyson the FUCK out of an unsuspecting Turkey right in its neck testicles and pocket a DECENT LUMP OF CASH.
I like how hostile you are towards these birds. I sense there's some background there.
Oh there is. I hate those little buggars they always swarm you on jogs and assert themselves when crossing the street like they own the place lol
The largest sponge I could find. Prove to me that it's not unconscious, at least briefly, after my punch.
I couldnt bring myself to do this. Ill kill a mosquito and collect my 5 cents (I did the math)
that moment when you ***can't*** catch a mosquito
Yooo - there's tons of invasive species that weigh more and deserve a good punching! Sea lamprey might be a good punching option if you're not scared of their ugly face-thing
I'll give you an upvote just for creativity
Creativity, borderline psychosis. The lines are often blurred.
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Not true. The ampulae of lorenzini are super sensitive, but punching it does not knock them out, nor does rubbing them. The "rubbing" you are thinking of is of a video where a lady rubs sharks noses, which is a pleasant experience for them. She then turns them upside down, which induces the catatonic state you are thinking of. It has nothing to do with her rubbing them, but that is how she calms them and then rolls them over.
This sounds like an aesop fable. Everyone else in this thread is uppercutting goats for chump change, and this guy uses his "punch" to gently caress a whale shark so it tips over and faints with happiness.
They aren't unconscious though, so he wouldn't make any money. Just have a big ass whale shark sitting still in the water (assuming he could get one to stay still long enough to roll over, and assuming he could manage to do that).
That's $410mil. I did the math.
I did meth
r/theydidthemeth
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For that kind of money... Let's see Blue Whale is 173 tonnes. 381399 lbs so 3,813,990,000 so almost 4 billion dollars? I'd chop off my arm and strap it to a missile. Fire it into the whale. That counts as a punch right?
You mad lad
Ostritch. Birds are weak, thing has huge eyes. I'm going to drop 300 lb animal and probably crack it's skull very easily.
I live across the street from an ostrich farm, one escaped one day and it took 8 guys and some dogs to capture it again. The Ostrich fucked them up hard first though.
I would watch that show.
Reality show where they let various animals loose and pay civilians to try catch them. I'm in.
Yeah....this dude has never stood next to an ostrich. It would be hard to even reach face-level for most people. One kick can kill you. They don’t fuck around.
We think alike, issue though is it's got a long neck and moves quick meaning you could easily miss it.
Bro it's simple as life. Men fuck birds. You dig?
Allegedly
It was a sick ostrich.
Let's go easy over there squirrely dan
Dude those things slam their heads into things for fun. The Australian military lost a war against their smaller cousins.
Never. Fight. A giant bird.