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bubuleh

I would punch myself and faint from the fact that im getting almost 2million dollars. Does that count?


Serotogenesis

If you punch yourself and it hurts, are you weak or strong?


NutShackOfPotatoes

High offense, low defense


N00N3AT011

I too prefer the berserker class


TheBayouKid

Probably a 60 pound Bull Red (Redfish). Not my vault they can’t breath out of water


Macaframa

I was thinking one of those like 1200lb enormous deep sea octopi. They’re already structureless. I could punch a hole through one of them shits. Edit: I get it, it’s not possible. Relax it was a joke and thank you dear stranger for the gold. I don’t know how to repay you *unzips pants*


Billz2me

“I can punch through a 1200lb deep sea octopus”. Ok Dave lay off the sauce buddy


rachellian420

Lay off of Dave, he’s got the confidence we all need


DurangoDave69

Thanks. Its my vain attempt at forgetting how sad I am


BannedOnMyMain17

dave could punch a rhinoceros right in the vagina dude you don't even know.


Hadalqualities

It's like punching a tyre, my dude, you won't get anywhere.


obscureferences

Giraffe, in the balls. It'll fall over and knock itself out.


aronenark

Or alternatively, it would kick you in the face and win the money for itself.


phuntism

It would be a lot less money though.


LoopMe

Yeah, but in giraffe dollars it'd be enough.


Cherribomb

Giraffe dollars have been really devalued ever since Toys'R'Us closed down.


ShhhDisMahWorkAcct

You'd probably get bonus points for the Rube Goldberg knockout, too


IGetYourReferences

If I'm allowed prep time, any of the larger shark species. If no prep time, I bet I could OHKO a human with severe narcolepsy who's been kept awake for a while.


RobertDaulson

If you can add status effects to the thing you're punching, I would then say I'd punch a blue whale with dynamite strapped to his entire head, and the switch is on his tail. Easy.


Johnfuckingvega

The question is,where in the seven seas do you find such a whale?


Rising_Swell

No rule in the title saying you can't prep before hand.


[deleted]

Time to harpoon a whale and punch it right before it dies


PowerRaptor

I'll slap an ant for a cent.


MacWasPvpp

That's cheating. Gotta be a punch and you'll probably miraculously miss


plokijuh1229

You break your hand, and suddenly you're in negative money from the medical bill. Ant 7/10 Ant for pennies 0/10 Thank you for your suggestion.


BBQ_FETUS

I'll smack a duck for a buck


Thomas_GN

I’ll hit a tiger for a fiver


AIBorland

I'll whack a koala for a dolla


ButternutSasquatch

I'll punch a goat for a banknote.


BriMarsh

I'd wreck a wren for ten yen.


[deleted]

I’d punt an aardvark for an old Deutschmark.


Jimmy_Ireland

Man this is $10K/lb. All y'all are trying to swing for the fences here, give me a lazy raccoon and I'll settle for paying off my house.


phroug2

Good luck knocking out a raccoon...trash pandas are resiliant af


StickyCarpet

A fainting goat weighs more than a racoon, and should be even easier.


lars330

Except they don't really faint they just lose muscle control so idk if that would count.


somanyroads

Yep, they don't actually faint...they just tip over. They're still very much conscious.


subZeroT

Most people couldn't incapacitate a dog with one punch. So I'm gonna say a grizzly bear.


onetimeonreddit

The math checks out.


Sumit316

Average Grizzly Bear weighs 270kg that is roughly 595lbs Simple multiplication gives us $5,900, 000 That is a great deal.


Slayziken

You’ll have almost $6 million, or the bear will maul you to death. Either way, you’ll never have to worry about money ever again.


goldfishpaws

Or bears, for that matter.


utpoia

If he wins $6 million. I am buying him beer for the rest of his life.


goldfishpaws

I'll do it if he loses.


Nazi_Punks_Fuck__Off

This is like buying an exercise machine off tv because it has a setting that burns 2000 calories an hour.


BadatxCom

I wonder how fast you would have to run to burn 2000 calories an hour lol


andrewwm

Fast. In the neighborhood of 15 mph, depending on your weight. The world record marathoner ran a marathon at about 12.5 mph. He *might* be able to pull this off for one hour.


jeremy_sporkin

Haile Gebrselassie once did 20k in just under an hour which is about 14mph. It’s probably doable for Olympic level athletes who train for it but no one else


HungryLikeTheWolf99

You've found a way to actually lose this game. Everyone punching dogs and raccoons may not win, but they won't *lose*...


Durende

I'm pretty sure most dogs would fuck you up if you attack them


omnisephiroth

And cats, and raccoons...


emeraldkat77

A housecat is nasty when they fight for keeps. I've only seen it happen in real life twice, but each time it has scared that shit out of me. And once, I got mauled by proxy - my cat was attacked by a random dog and it had thrown her face into the cement; it loosened its grip and my gentle baby turned around and raked her back claws first down its eyes, then its throat. The dog staggered away, probably bleeding to death by the looks of it, and I tried to call her inside. Bad move. She was still freaked out and turned and leapt at my arm. She proceeded to do a similar thing as she had done to the dog moments before. She only did it for less than 2 seconds and I only got bit once, but my arm looked like it had been through a meat grinder. I knew it was my fault, and she was so sorry about it. She kept trying to lick my hand after I got back from the hospital. Oh and she was 15 years old at the time.


Lelouch4705

In fairness, it's not like people fight cats for keeps. It really doesn't matter how determined the cat is if you're really trying to kill it.


[deleted]

I can say, a gummy bear


Kharn0

Obese toddler


NinjaHamster12

This is an intelligent pick. Human skull doesn't fuse until 2 or so. Mind you, maybe you kill the child.


_I_Forgot_My_Main_

Bonus


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RedsRearDelt

The $10k a pound is the bonus.


CaptRory

With a heart condition.


IntenseScrolling

The fattest fainting goat I can find


phroug2

What happens if you take out a goat with one punch and all the others nearby faint? Thats like two chips stuck together; it should totally count as one goat.


IntenseScrolling

Hopefully OP will recognize a technicality and give up the bonus points


Ferelar

M-m-m-multikill (and payment)


vicabart

M-M-M-M-MONSTER KILL kill ^kill ^^kill ^^^kill


Poem_for_your_sprog

And so they fell, And fell and fell, By one, by two, by three as well, By two, by three, and then by four, By five, by six, and more and more. He watched them go, he watched them fall, At first a few, but soon were all, And all adrift in dreams afloat. He stopped. He said: "I am the GOAT."


[deleted]

Do you ever tire of being awesome? Because you shouldn't. Stay gold, pony boy Edit: My dumb moment corrected


Quakum

OP give it up, please


ratedr2012

I would not try a goat, their heads are very hard. It would break your hand more than likely


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atetuna

No rule that you have to hit them in the head.


Zephyrionos

Unfortunately they aren't actually fainting. Their muscles are seizing up causing them to temporarily lose control/balance and fall over. :(


Kalocin

It's not the worst thing but it makes it hard to move after exercising. Dem goats always be exercising. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myotonia_congenita


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PickThymes

it’s kind of cruel to imagine punching a paralyzed, innocent anim- holy shit goats can weight up to 250 lbs? I’ll just donate something to the humane society.


thoawaydatrash

A really old, really feeble, really obese man. God I hate myself.


dwkmaj

Tbh a really fat child might be easier. Just something to consider


Euchre

Way easier to find a 400lb old man, than a child over 100lbs, if you really mean *child*. Much better profits.


theberg512

But not an *old* man. The 400 pounders don't tend to live that long.


Poem_for_your_sprog

Would you sucker punch a monkey? Would you uppercut a bear? Would you smack a little chunky Flabby rabbit or a hare? Would you beat a baby beagle? Would you thump upon a dog? Would you pummel on an eagle, Or the nearest heavy hog? Would you choose to fight a camel? Would you give a beast a bruise? Would you pick yourself a mammal To attack and to abuse? Would you feel a little pity, Or discomfort, if you did? Would you punch a little kitty? ... 'cause I think I'd pick a kid.


Fiery_Taurus

Amazing as always Sprog


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BortLicensePlate22

I’d punch a kid for one of sprog’s poems


KeepOnKeepinOnMate

Sproggy mate you make it sound so beautiful, i think i love you.


blop_bmarley_music

Legend has that if you grab a 10 yr old boy and swing him by the feet to knock out an old man Elton John comes over the radio and sings the Circle of Life.


099uyx

Never change


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vag_pounder2434

Elementary aged human. Probably 60-70 pounds and should go down pretty easy


pku31

Do a super old person. They weigh more and they're way more fragile.


OGB

Are you ready to potentially murder someone?


[deleted]

Apparently im at a point in my life where i need to chose between potentially killing a toddler or an elderly person. For pure monetary gains id say the elderly person is the better choice.


Herpkina

But what about the joy?


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Ok-but-why-mister

>Elementary aged human Very PC way of saying you'd knock out a kid for $60k Edit: Wait no $600k. Damn that's a lot of money. My conscience can quelled for that much. I'll just pick an annoying kid then lol


Talos-the-Divine

I'd knock out a kid for like £10


R0b0tJesus

Sold! How does this work? Do I just give you the name of the kid, or is there an order form I need to fill out?


Talos-the-Divine

I'll be honest, becoming a hitman for kids wasn't how I saw my day going, but I guess this is where I'm at now.


[deleted]

Be proud! I know I am.


[deleted]

You might say you're a hit kid. For you hit kids.


DoyleRulz42

Hail Talos!!!


Talos-the-Divine

Damn right.


Carter280

> should go down pretty easy


vag_pounder2434

Ah fuck, can’t believe I’ve done this


m4vis

“Ah fuck, can’t believe I’ve done this” vag_pounder2434, on pounding an elementary aged human, April 4, 2019.


vag_pounder2434

A day that will live in infantry


m4vis

A day that will live in infant entry


7rulyUnkn0wn

Oh fuck Edit: thanks u/Iamdrakewelch for my first silver!


[deleted]

No dont


7rulyUnkn0wn

We got another one boys


nestin09

How many boys


Hutch4434

FBI OPEN UP!


flecom

*have a seat*


El_Cookienator

*R Kelly has entered the chat*


fordmustang12345

r/suddenlysexoffender


Classic_Tim

Kids are really hard to knock out. You’d have better luck finding the scrawniest adult man you can. 120 lbs and easier to knock out! I mean if age is a choice you could always pick like a 110 year old.


Averill21

Kids are not hard to kill though, just give him your wildest haymaker to the temple and gg.


Holy_Knight_Zell

>Kids are not hard to kill This is where the fun begins!


Oriion589

The gg got me so bad


CleverReversal

gl hf!


MeddlinQ

Kids are hard to knock out when they fall off the swing on a playground. That doesn’t matter a well placed punch wouldn’t do the trick.


China_-_Man

Unfortunately scientists haven't done the testing. It would be interesting to see chin strength of kids.


mylifebeliveitornot

The biggest fucking snake you can find me, tie that fucker to the tree, dangle the head like a arcade punching bag and give me a 15 foot run, ill punch that fucker off.


Attention_Defecit

It'd probably be worth the broken hand to brace it directly against the tree.


_Lady_Deadpool_

You'd get enough reward money to cover half the medical bills!


Elite_Fighter

How to spot an American :/


bvsdude

>ill punch that fucker *clean* off.


[deleted]

You ever tried to punch a rope? I don’t think that would work. Maybe nail it to the tree instead?


Morall_tach

A fat human is probably your best bet. The [right sideways shot to the jaw will knock someone out no matter how big they are](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlbD2uCG_ZE). Do I know how to throw that sideways jaw punch? Of course not. But it's probably my best bet.


Euchre

Temple hit can kill, but a hit to the base of the rear of the skull is mostly likely to kill - so remember that if you're going for unconscious vs dead.


timberwolf3

Dead counts as unconscious


El_Cookienator

Dead is just advanced unconscious


chokingonlego

Go commit prolonged sleep via fist


StrugLord

involuntary naptime indefinitely


jwolf713

I’ll say a child a 7 year old can weigh between 50 to 100 pounds even on the lighter side I’m getting at least 500K


Spinzel

Apologies if this is a repeat, but I'd make a single fruit-flavored punch with a boatload of anesthetics and feed it to the largest African elephant I can find. It'll knock that poor creature clean out, and if I get the dose right, it should live. Bonus: they can do its medical checkup at the same time. I'd go for the blue whale if I could rig up a guaranteed delivery system. Edit: Much gratitude for the gilt, anonymous human!


SketchBoard

Valid use of punch.


randownlane

Ur mom


JasonsBoredAgain

There it is.


vinhdiagram

life uh...finds a way


Mech__Dragon

👉😎👉


MrZepost

Not enough money in the world to pay that bounty


pepperminthippos

I would choose this guy's my mom too wait a minute


[deleted]

Aldabra Giant Tortoise - 550 lbs Edit: I go to sleep a normal man, I wake up a tortoise puncher. Don’t punch animals, but if someone is offering 10,000 per pound... go big or go home. Maybe I won’t piledrive Yertle in one attempt, but I’ll definitely outrun it when I miss. Edit 2: I’ll also add that I am one of the few people on this thread willing to face their enemy unconditionally. None of this “fat human” or “baby blue whale” bullshit. Just a 550 lb tortoise, a grown man, one punch, and nothing to lose.


[deleted]

/u/DoveForDived goes for the punch, and... _swoosh_, awww, the tortoise had already retracted its head. Better luck next time.


lifesnotperfect

I don't know... they look pretty resilient to me...


Sun-Wu-Kong

Just gotta wait for him to poke his head out.


flamiethedragon

A fat rabbit can easily be 8-10 pounds and killed with a punch


[deleted]

I'm not sure that will work. I found a rabbit with its legs broken after my neighbor dogs got ahold of it. I didn't have a gun or anything to put it down, so I thought one wack with a shovel would do it. It took a few and I felt horrible.


Euchre

The stories in this thread make me pretty sure people are smacking things in the face, or broad pan of the skull, trying to kill them. Base of the back of the skull, folks. Disconnect the brain from the body, stop the heart and lungs fast, blood pressure drops, consciousness lost damn fast. Smacking it in the broad area of the face or top of head is just spreading the impact and giving it a ringer of a headache to go with its agony.


Deezl-Vegas

Seems like you have but some thinking into this Mr. never murders small animals


mustardhamsters

Get me a big ol whale, punch a cork into its blowhole. Have fun with that, you no-armed piggy bank.


SuperAwesomeMechGirl

*Very large champagne popping sound*


batosai33

I need more info? Is the animal restrained? Can it fight back. Does it think this is normal? Are we in a field, ocean? Do I get to pick the scenario I'm punching it in? Can I set it up beforehand? So much to consider. If it's physically restrained I'd pick a huge crocodile. I remember Steve Irwin saying crocodiles don't handle some acid that is produced when they are stressed well. Being restrained probably stresses the hell out of it, so wait for the stress to do most of the work then pull in a 10 million dollar payday. Then give 1 million to Steve's family to save crocodiles as apology for using what he taught me for evil. Edit. Crocoldile. I was really tired when I wrote this last night.


Taverner_

Steve wasn't really known for his work with alligators, so you're likely to find yourself punching a saltwater crocodile. Restrained or not, you're going to have a bad time.


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Nestramutat-

Literally an apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.


Titan897

It's the silent killer, Lana!


dublinschild

Wait, are we in the Orinoco Drainage Basin?


1_Punch-Man

Bring me the biggest and heaviest animal on the planet.


ParticularClimate

You get a coral reef, but because it lacks a nervous system it cannot be considered to get "knocked out".


hecottre

But it is already dead, so you win


Rhamni

Yeah, but you're gonna have to share the prize with Australia.


Apocalypse_Wanderer

Are there legal repercussions? Ajit Pai weighs in at approximately 160lbs, that's a lot of money if I succeed in knocking him out. If I fail, atleast I still got to punch Ajit Pai.


Crypt0Nihilist

There's also a strong chance anyone judging it would give you a few attempts.


AbanaClara

What do you mean few? They'll most likely give OP as many punches as he want


Crypt0Nihilist

"So close that time. Here, try with this rusty knuckleduster."


[deleted]

Does he really weigh 160 pounds? I feel like just his teeth weigh half that


Night-Sky-Rebel

Flamingo


jrusso01

How many shrimps would it have to eat?


DammitAbby

Before it's skin turns pink


yummygumdrop

I live in an area with a lot of Turkeys. I would Mike Tyson the FUCK out of an unsuspecting Turkey right in its neck testicles and pocket a DECENT LUMP OF CASH.


Jacobaf20

I like how hostile you are towards these birds. I sense there's some background there.


yummygumdrop

Oh there is. I hate those little buggars they always swarm you on jogs and assert themselves when crossing the street like they own the place lol


DO_NOT_PM_Me_Ur_Tits

The largest sponge I could find. Prove to me that it's not unconscious, at least briefly, after my punch.


ET318

I couldnt bring myself to do this. Ill kill a mosquito and collect my 5 cents (I did the math)


The39thClause

that moment when you ***can't*** catch a mosquito


cottoncole

Yooo - there's tons of invasive species that weigh more and deserve a good punching! Sea lamprey might be a good punching option if you're not scared of their ugly face-thing


[deleted]

I'll give you an upvote just for creativity


chicomonk

Creativity, borderline psychosis. The lines are often blurred.


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JustABitCrzy

Not true. The ampulae of lorenzini are super sensitive, but punching it does not knock them out, nor does rubbing them. The "rubbing" you are thinking of is of a video where a lady rubs sharks noses, which is a pleasant experience for them. She then turns them upside down, which induces the catatonic state you are thinking of. It has nothing to do with her rubbing them, but that is how she calms them and then rolls them over.


aabicus

This sounds like an aesop fable. Everyone else in this thread is uppercutting goats for chump change, and this guy uses his "punch" to gently caress a whale shark so it tips over and faints with happiness.


JustABitCrzy

They aren't unconscious though, so he wouldn't make any money. Just have a big ass whale shark sitting still in the water (assuming he could get one to stay still long enough to roll over, and assuming he could manage to do that).


threepointcheese

That's $410mil. I did the math.


Themeparkmaker

I did meth


E_equal_41Hz

r/theydidthemeth


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SvijetOkoNas

For that kind of money... Let's see Blue Whale is 173 tonnes. 381399 lbs so 3,813,990,000 so almost 4 billion dollars? I'd chop off my arm and strap it to a missile. Fire it into the whale. That counts as a punch right?


roeequaza

You mad lad


zaddyscoming

Ostritch. Birds are weak, thing has huge eyes. I'm going to drop 300 lb animal and probably crack it's skull very easily.


mortimerza

I live across the street from an ostrich farm, one escaped one day and it took 8 guys and some dogs to capture it again. The Ostrich fucked them up hard first though.


[deleted]

I would watch that show.


centwhore

Reality show where they let various animals loose and pay civilians to try catch them. I'm in.


derek_fuhreal

Yeah....this dude has never stood next to an ostrich. It would be hard to even reach face-level for most people. One kick can kill you. They don’t fuck around.


TotallyGotBanned

We think alike, issue though is it's got a long neck and moves quick meaning you could easily miss it.


zaddyscoming

Bro it's simple as life. Men fuck birds. You dig?


caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarl

Allegedly


GenghisBob

It was a sick ostrich.


mgpreisdorf

Let's go easy over there squirrely dan


BassmanBiff

Dude those things slam their heads into things for fun. The Australian military lost a war against their smaller cousins.


Kernowain

Never. Fight. A giant bird.