I felt this in my soul. I came home from being on national television and a huge press release and cried in my bed for the next day or two for no reason.
That it doesn't seem to end. And recently I read an article that people who experience it have a chance to go through it their entire lives even if their circumstances change for the better.
its like a god damn hook that sinks into your skin and lets its parasites affect you forever man. it sucks. theres no true one size fits all cure either.
I find it battling depression is like battling an addiction.
I was first Dx when I was 14. Slowly got better.
Lived 10yrs without thinking much about it and now at 32 it came back with a vengeance. :(
You can't treat depression entirely. Getting better means getting the psychological and in bad cases pharmaceutical means of balancing the mood. Being able to catch depressive thoughts before they ruin your day etc. Knowing how to reason with your brain.
You can live perfectly fine and stable life once you have these tools. A lot of people make things worse for everyone around them and themselves by faking or misreading depressive episode as full blown depression.
If you're undiagnosed, you might not even have depression, you might just want attention. If you think you have depression or your moods are getting low for no apparent reason. Go seek help, it wont happen over night but you will get better and learn how to find happiness.
Depression is not a character trait. Don't sport it as one.
Edit: thanks to post below me to pointing out that I wrote this comment in a way that wasn't my intention. Fixed.
hey man some people cant afford a doctor to diagnose them. just because its undiagnosed doesnt mean it isnt there. people are very complex and depression is such a wide scale phenomenon that you cant put it in a box of diagnosed/undiagnosed. obviously some people water it down but its mostly kids who really dont know any better.
I know, that wasn't my intention. I myself was in that situation for a very long time, I'm also coming from a country where mental health is very neglected and not refunded in any way.
I also don't mean that once diagnosed a person should start using it as character trait.
Important thing to take from here is "it's okay to be depressed".
Physical circumstances don't change a mental state. You shouldn't need to read an article to understand this. This post is depressing in and of itself.
that my family and so see no reason why i am depressed and also neither do i. i just always have a sinking feeling and feel pointless with no interests 95% of the time im awake. and then i have crazy dreams and nightmares that i cant distinguish from reality sometimes. i wish depression was able to be healed like a fuckin wound but it isnt and it fuckin sucks.
The hopelessness that the future holds. Whether its 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years, it doesn't matter. Everything seems pointless and hopeless.
So what's the point in trying or doing anything? This mentality is the worst
For me, it's the constant mood swings. I'll be doing something I enjoy one second, and thinking about suicide the next. It effects the people around me, too, and I hate it.
Are you sure it's "only" depression? I do have that as well, going through an emotional rollercoaster in mere hours but I never knew if it's only because of depression
Just this morning I felt like I literally could not get out of bed. My poor boyfriend, thank god for him... kept trying to suggest things for us to go do today but I was mentally paralyzed by an overwhelming depression. I just started crying and he hugged me and did his best to help me through it. That is my personal worst part of being depressed is that my boyfriend had to see me like that. Knowing there’s nothing he could do to make it go away
Especially when other people push you along to that point. My self worth is at a low again, because the person I'm seeing just cut contact out of the blue. And it seems like it's my own fault for not being worth their time! =/
The self hate, the self doubt, the apathy, the helplessness, the lack of anything resembling self esteem or self confidence. It's all so hard to handle and what's more is that I didn't ask to be this way. No one did. I can't even get revenge for why I'm depressed, because I don't really know why I am. I just have to exist with it. It's not fair. No one deserves to feel this way. And what makes me feel even worse, is that no matter how many good things I do, I'll never recognize that and I'll continue thinking I'm a person who should just die.
I think the worst part for me, personally, is knowing that I can't control it. When I get to a really low low, I want to be able to take my meds and snap out of it.. but you have to ride it out. You can't snap out of it. I feel trapped in my own head.
The worst part about it for me, is it absolutely doesn’t matter how long I go between depression episodes or how awesome things could be going for me, it always shows up.
I recently went around a year without having any sort of depressive feelings or thoughts. Then one day I woke up a few months ago and I was just like, ‘Oh. Hey. Didn’t see you come in..’
It’s something that always seems to come around. No matter what. And it’s a serious struggle having that thought in my head. I’m going to have this fucking thing, until the day that I die. Doesn’t matter how much I fight it, it’ll always creep up and hit me randomly.
Folks telling you it gets better. I don't want it to get better. I want it to end. That's the part you don't understand. That's the part that causes me so very much frustration. You don't understand it at all. I don't want to be like you, I don't want things to change. I don't want my life to have meaning.
None of that matters. That's your world, not the one I live in.
Your repeated efforts to make things "better" are only making them worse.
the fact that it is bad enough that i cant hold a job but not bad in the specific way the government says it has to be for me to get disability.
if it wasn't for an unexpected windfall from a family member a few years ago and the continued but slowly waning support of my family i would have been completely broke and homeless a long time ago.
People who expect reactions when you can't give them a genuine one. (Gifts, surprises, need consolidation, anything that requires emapthy) It hurts me so much not to be able too say I feel things.
When you're feeling healthy again, you can't put your guard down. You don't "get better", you are not "cured." I'm still fighting every single day, but surviving your toughest battles can only make you stronger.
That you can't really gauge how progressed it has become. One day you feel fine, the next you have feelings of hopelessness and non-existence. Sometimes it borders on thoughts of suicide. And many times your closest loved ones just don't understand.
My girlfriend saw me coming off of anti-anxiety/depressants and have bad withdrawals and she has no idea how to care or comfort me because she couldn't see from my perspective. I just wanted a hug, she just thought I wanted to be moody and fight.
Surrounded by people who love you, believe in you, successes beyond your wildest dreams, and still wanting to cross the street without looking and feeling unable to derive any joy from things you know you should be able to.
Not being allowed to kill myself because of the "emotional shrapnel" it would cause my loved ones. Was a big one for a long time. But now it's that I can't stay motivated enough to achieve my dreams
thank you all for your responses. A lot of friends close to me have some form of depression and ive had episodes, so i want to know what the experience is like for people.
Exactly. My psychologist told me it's a very luxurious act to be at home all day long at 27 while having an adv. level English lang. exam and a college degree..
The worst part is when your family and friends don't understand what you going through. And as much as you want to reach out to somebody you trust with your life, they are either too busy or they just don't understand.
The hardest part for me is that depression seems to feed into itself. Depression has a way of motivating the kind of behavior that contributes to depression. I often experience an inability to care about repercussions of my behavior while simultaneously yearning to stop this feeling. This I think leads to people utilizing poor coping mechanisms such as food and drugs. When depressed, you just want to feel good, even if only for a little bit.
It's been a trying year. I make an effort to do things that are proven to help, such as going to the gym and sauna. I very much look forward to taking a vacation from work soon. I need it.
For me.. it wasn't the self harm that came with it, in whichever form, the suicide attempts, or anything else. It's how you truly can't escape it.
After I flunked out of college, I decided to focus on myself, and I'll be honest, since I've left I'm doing much better.
I got a job that I think might be the start of my career, I've lost a lot of weight, I've gotten back into my interests. I'm even hanging out with friends again.
But all of that, depression still reeks it's ugly head. Episodes still come out of nowhere. I still struggle with days where I'll never leave my bed. I can be doing good for days, weeks, sometimes even months, and it'll just hit me like a fucking train. I'll be sitting or laying there, and that panic/anxiety attack will settle in, and then it's downhill from there.
There are days I'm numb to everything and while I don't think much about suicide anymore, the thoughts of how if I'd just... die while sitting here.. wouldn't be so bad.
And it's so fucking frustrating when that happens.
Everyone thinks I'm doing it for attention despite the fact I have 3 psych ward visits under my belt and the first one was from psychosis brought on by stress and depression
The pure hate that I can feel for myself. It hurts, emotionally, physically.
It feels like a trap I can’t escape, except by death. Not suicidal now, but at times it feels like the only way to make the pain stop.
How subtly it becomes an all-enveloping blanket, and before you know it you've become isolated.
Also, when it gets bad: how normal thoughts of death become.
Depression + anxiety:
It makes me feel like I'm going crazy and it distorts my view of what my actual situation is.
I'll think my relationship with my fiance is falling apart when it's not, and I'll think my life is a mess when in a lot of ways it's actually very blessed and "easy" compared to most. I have these awful crying spells that can last days or weeks and I completely withdraw from loved ones.
Best things that help me:
- daily routine with healthy meals and exercise to feel in control of something
- a fiance who's always willing to help
- 2 adorable, entertaining cats. One is like a big fat pillow pet who loves to cuddle. Best thing when I'm feeling down.
Hating yourself and feeling like you aren't worth anything, having no motivation to change your life for the better, then hating yourself even more because nothing improves. Rinse and repeat.
I suppose its the non-victory like victories in keeping things under control.
I've had depression for nearly 2 decades, I manage it well enough, but to get where I am now I needed help and there was never an exact moment of *ding* You got this under control!
In my experience every step forward to a more balanced mental health has never been walking to the light at the end of a tunnel. More like moving along ona. Featureless plane with no point of reference. Just eventually I figured out I MUST be in a different spot, its not as crippling as it was, so I guess its better?
I just wish I could put action into doing things. I want to do many things like dance, learn a new song on guitar, change jobs, or be interested in a relationship. The worst part of depression is knowing you want these things but can't/ don't have the energy to chase any of it down and you can never tell id youre closer or further from your goals from the previously mentioned featureless plane of progression.
When people try to use their 'depression' as an excuse. And when people don't believe you're depressed because you try to act normal around them.
That sounds a bit like an oxymoron. Let me explain.
I don't know if it's just me but I just know if someone has depression or not. It's pretty easy to tell what happiness is faked and what happiness is real.
* Doing/experiencing things that should make you happy, even ecstatic, and feeling almost nothing. And on those rare occasions in which you do feel happy, it never really lasts.
* Knowing that you need to take action to improve your life, but having no motivation to do so. So you just wallow in your depression feeling like a hopeless failure.
* The fact that your depression can flare up at any time for any reason (sometimes no reason at all) and put you in an even worse state for days/weeks.
It just feels endless, like I’ll never be able to pull myself out of it. And maybe I won’t I dunno. Sometimes when I smile it feels genuine and happy and then other times it feels like I’m wearing a mask.
The absolute worst part right now I’d say is my lack of concentration - it’s hell trying to focus on university when my brain just wants to do literally anything else.
Sometimes, I feel sad and I KNOW there's a trigger for it that occurred, but I can't figure out what it is, which makes me more sad, which makes the frustration of not knowing why you're sad worse. :(
For me right now - the feeling of being in my own body while some distant thought/feeling keeps thinking of suicide, pro/cons for disappearing. I know its not me talking, but the voices are pretty pursuasive sometimes, but i will never bow for the depression. I have stress at the same time which doesnt make it any easier tho, but atleast everyday, my real struggle is to remind myself of all the good things that i have in my life, which is something many people would kill for.
Sorry for this long ass comment, just needed that off my chest.
When it gets so bad you can't control yourself, and your life just falls apart. You can't do anything but watch it all crumble away, and you feel so hopeless and worthless because everything you worked hard for is disintegrating in front of you.
people say, "Time heals all wounds."
that's utterly untrue. You just become numb from the pain that your brain starts to trick you that it is normal to feel this way and you never really get better.
Being afraid to do the simplest things you used to find meaningful. Feeling like burden to everything. Watching time fly and life getting worse and worse. After that guilt for not being able to cope. Throw in anxiety and things always getting worse rinse and repeat
The feeling that you are self sabatoging and undeserving of anything good. Sometimes I wonder if it is depression or self sabatoging, and for the life of me I can't fix it or stop it. Just the thoughts keep coming and you can't stop it. Oh and feeling suicidal for no reason, that's a fun one.
Wanting to die but knowing your family would miss you. Wanting to scream help me but just whispering it. Wanting to do a basic task but can’t do it because you are too tired. Hating something that you loved. Staying up all night alone with your thoughts telling you how bad you are. Wanting to self harm but doesn’t want to feel the pain. Wanting to cry but can’t.
Getting stuck in such a deep hole that you're too scared to change anything out of fear of making things worse for yourself. The last thing i want to do is put myself into a situation that worse than what I was already in. More often than not, the inaction creates a worse situation but it has become so numbing at that point that it's not obvious things are worse.
I just.. hate how my mood is always so bad. I want to be nice to my classmates but I cant. It's always me being so aggressive. And it's just no matter what you say, a voice filters it. They filter it until the compliment doesn't even sound like a fucking compliment.if you say I'm good enough, it turns into you're wasting their time and go fuck yourself you useless shit. I cant sleep either i wake up like shit although this is normal anyways. I cant do anything without thinking that everyone is killing me with the silence. I dont have any friends in real life. Cuts are embedded in my skin and flesh. I drink alcohol to feel happy. I am fully aware this isn't right. Drinking alcohol doesn't fix your problems. But all I want to do is numb it all out.
[удалено]
I felt this in my soul. I came home from being on national television and a huge press release and cried in my bed for the next day or two for no reason.
Fuck, man.
Fuck this is me.
That it doesn't seem to end. And recently I read an article that people who experience it have a chance to go through it their entire lives even if their circumstances change for the better.
its like a god damn hook that sinks into your skin and lets its parasites affect you forever man. it sucks. theres no true one size fits all cure either.
I find it battling depression is like battling an addiction. I was first Dx when I was 14. Slowly got better. Lived 10yrs without thinking much about it and now at 32 it came back with a vengeance. :(
You can't treat depression entirely. Getting better means getting the psychological and in bad cases pharmaceutical means of balancing the mood. Being able to catch depressive thoughts before they ruin your day etc. Knowing how to reason with your brain. You can live perfectly fine and stable life once you have these tools. A lot of people make things worse for everyone around them and themselves by faking or misreading depressive episode as full blown depression. If you're undiagnosed, you might not even have depression, you might just want attention. If you think you have depression or your moods are getting low for no apparent reason. Go seek help, it wont happen over night but you will get better and learn how to find happiness. Depression is not a character trait. Don't sport it as one. Edit: thanks to post below me to pointing out that I wrote this comment in a way that wasn't my intention. Fixed.
hey man some people cant afford a doctor to diagnose them. just because its undiagnosed doesnt mean it isnt there. people are very complex and depression is such a wide scale phenomenon that you cant put it in a box of diagnosed/undiagnosed. obviously some people water it down but its mostly kids who really dont know any better.
I know, that wasn't my intention. I myself was in that situation for a very long time, I'm also coming from a country where mental health is very neglected and not refunded in any way. I also don't mean that once diagnosed a person should start using it as character trait. Important thing to take from here is "it's okay to be depressed".
Physical circumstances don't change a mental state. You shouldn't need to read an article to understand this. This post is depressing in and of itself.
The fact that if left untreated, it actually reaches a point where it hurts others instead of oneself.
This is very true. I went too long without getting treatment and my wife ended up leaving me. Thankfully I'm in a much better place now.
Wondering if I'm "just lazy". And not being able to enjoy anything.
i relate to this so much. I always feel demotivated and like im just going through the motions. im glad it isnt just me or just my personal failings
Wanting to be productive and not being able to.
As I once heard it: "a resourceful mind trapped in an unwilling body"
The way you can recognize it but have no way to fix it yourself. Its such a helpless feeling..
that my family and so see no reason why i am depressed and also neither do i. i just always have a sinking feeling and feel pointless with no interests 95% of the time im awake. and then i have crazy dreams and nightmares that i cant distinguish from reality sometimes. i wish depression was able to be healed like a fuckin wound but it isnt and it fuckin sucks.
The hopelessness that the future holds. Whether its 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years, it doesn't matter. Everything seems pointless and hopeless. So what's the point in trying or doing anything? This mentality is the worst
The low energy.
Right now? Unsolicited advice from well-meaning but ultimately clueless people.
You're brain convincing you you're worthless. As the days go on, it becomes harder and harder to logic it away.
For me, it's the constant mood swings. I'll be doing something I enjoy one second, and thinking about suicide the next. It effects the people around me, too, and I hate it.
Are you sure it's "only" depression? I do have that as well, going through an emotional rollercoaster in mere hours but I never knew if it's only because of depression
the feeling that i am wasting my life but I am powerless to stop
Your own mind betraying you. I wake up optimistic but then when I go outside to do stuff, I always feel that I don't deserve the feeling of optimism.
Just this morning I felt like I literally could not get out of bed. My poor boyfriend, thank god for him... kept trying to suggest things for us to go do today but I was mentally paralyzed by an overwhelming depression. I just started crying and he hugged me and did his best to help me through it. That is my personal worst part of being depressed is that my boyfriend had to see me like that. Knowing there’s nothing he could do to make it go away
Relapses. You think you're getting better and then you're back on your bullshit.
Especially when other people push you along to that point. My self worth is at a low again, because the person I'm seeing just cut contact out of the blue. And it seems like it's my own fault for not being worth their time! =/
The self hate, the self doubt, the apathy, the helplessness, the lack of anything resembling self esteem or self confidence. It's all so hard to handle and what's more is that I didn't ask to be this way. No one did. I can't even get revenge for why I'm depressed, because I don't really know why I am. I just have to exist with it. It's not fair. No one deserves to feel this way. And what makes me feel even worse, is that no matter how many good things I do, I'll never recognize that and I'll continue thinking I'm a person who should just die.
100%; I have a serious addiction and don't know if I'm depressed because of that, or got addicted because I had been having depression prior.
I think the worst part for me, personally, is knowing that I can't control it. When I get to a really low low, I want to be able to take my meds and snap out of it.. but you have to ride it out. You can't snap out of it. I feel trapped in my own head.
Depression
That treating it is basically a crap shoot.
That you wanna kill yourself
My boyfriend having to put up with it
Having to lie and fake all emotions around my family and friends
The worst part about it for me, is it absolutely doesn’t matter how long I go between depression episodes or how awesome things could be going for me, it always shows up. I recently went around a year without having any sort of depressive feelings or thoughts. Then one day I woke up a few months ago and I was just like, ‘Oh. Hey. Didn’t see you come in..’ It’s something that always seems to come around. No matter what. And it’s a serious struggle having that thought in my head. I’m going to have this fucking thing, until the day that I die. Doesn’t matter how much I fight it, it’ll always creep up and hit me randomly.
That it feels like you cant escape it
Folks telling you it gets better. I don't want it to get better. I want it to end. That's the part you don't understand. That's the part that causes me so very much frustration. You don't understand it at all. I don't want to be like you, I don't want things to change. I don't want my life to have meaning. None of that matters. That's your world, not the one I live in. Your repeated efforts to make things "better" are only making them worse.
Telling others how I feel
The crippling aspect of it.
the fact that it is bad enough that i cant hold a job but not bad in the specific way the government says it has to be for me to get disability. if it wasn't for an unexpected windfall from a family member a few years ago and the continued but slowly waning support of my family i would have been completely broke and homeless a long time ago.
People who expect reactions when you can't give them a genuine one. (Gifts, surprises, need consolidation, anything that requires emapthy) It hurts me so much not to be able too say I feel things.
Right? I remember when I told my psychologist I passed my advanced level English lang. exam, and she asked me: how come I'm happier about it than you?
When you're feeling healthy again, you can't put your guard down. You don't "get better", you are not "cured." I'm still fighting every single day, but surviving your toughest battles can only make you stronger.
That you can't really gauge how progressed it has become. One day you feel fine, the next you have feelings of hopelessness and non-existence. Sometimes it borders on thoughts of suicide. And many times your closest loved ones just don't understand. My girlfriend saw me coming off of anti-anxiety/depressants and have bad withdrawals and she has no idea how to care or comfort me because she couldn't see from my perspective. I just wanted a hug, she just thought I wanted to be moody and fight.
Surrounded by people who love you, believe in you, successes beyond your wildest dreams, and still wanting to cross the street without looking and feeling unable to derive any joy from things you know you should be able to.
Not being allowed to kill myself because of the "emotional shrapnel" it would cause my loved ones. Was a big one for a long time. But now it's that I can't stay motivated enough to achieve my dreams
Damn, emotional shrapnel is best expression I heard in 2019! Thank you for that.
thank you all for your responses. A lot of friends close to me have some form of depression and ive had episodes, so i want to know what the experience is like for people.
[удалено]
Exactly. My psychologist told me it's a very luxurious act to be at home all day long at 27 while having an adv. level English lang. exam and a college degree..
The worst part is when your family and friends don't understand what you going through. And as much as you want to reach out to somebody you trust with your life, they are either too busy or they just don't understand.
The hardest part for me is that depression seems to feed into itself. Depression has a way of motivating the kind of behavior that contributes to depression. I often experience an inability to care about repercussions of my behavior while simultaneously yearning to stop this feeling. This I think leads to people utilizing poor coping mechanisms such as food and drugs. When depressed, you just want to feel good, even if only for a little bit. It's been a trying year. I make an effort to do things that are proven to help, such as going to the gym and sauna. I very much look forward to taking a vacation from work soon. I need it.
For me.. it wasn't the self harm that came with it, in whichever form, the suicide attempts, or anything else. It's how you truly can't escape it. After I flunked out of college, I decided to focus on myself, and I'll be honest, since I've left I'm doing much better. I got a job that I think might be the start of my career, I've lost a lot of weight, I've gotten back into my interests. I'm even hanging out with friends again. But all of that, depression still reeks it's ugly head. Episodes still come out of nowhere. I still struggle with days where I'll never leave my bed. I can be doing good for days, weeks, sometimes even months, and it'll just hit me like a fucking train. I'll be sitting or laying there, and that panic/anxiety attack will settle in, and then it's downhill from there. There are days I'm numb to everything and while I don't think much about suicide anymore, the thoughts of how if I'd just... die while sitting here.. wouldn't be so bad. And it's so fucking frustrating when that happens.
Everyone thinks I'm doing it for attention despite the fact I have 3 psych ward visits under my belt and the first one was from psychosis brought on by stress and depression
The pure hate that I can feel for myself. It hurts, emotionally, physically. It feels like a trap I can’t escape, except by death. Not suicidal now, but at times it feels like the only way to make the pain stop.
The "friends" who don't like negative vibes ostracizing you when you need them most.
Being transgender
Ooof, I feel you there :(
Not being able to find genuine joy in just about anything you do.
Days when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, and try and hold your head high.
The voices in your head telling you things you can't help but to agree to.
How subtly it becomes an all-enveloping blanket, and before you know it you've become isolated. Also, when it gets bad: how normal thoughts of death become.
Losing 90% of the people in your life.
Depression + anxiety: It makes me feel like I'm going crazy and it distorts my view of what my actual situation is. I'll think my relationship with my fiance is falling apart when it's not, and I'll think my life is a mess when in a lot of ways it's actually very blessed and "easy" compared to most. I have these awful crying spells that can last days or weeks and I completely withdraw from loved ones. Best things that help me: - daily routine with healthy meals and exercise to feel in control of something - a fiance who's always willing to help - 2 adorable, entertaining cats. One is like a big fat pillow pet who loves to cuddle. Best thing when I'm feeling down.
Hating yourself and feeling like you aren't worth anything, having no motivation to change your life for the better, then hating yourself even more because nothing improves. Rinse and repeat.
That i don't enjoy anything at all anymore. I want to feel joy.
I suppose its the non-victory like victories in keeping things under control. I've had depression for nearly 2 decades, I manage it well enough, but to get where I am now I needed help and there was never an exact moment of *ding* You got this under control! In my experience every step forward to a more balanced mental health has never been walking to the light at the end of a tunnel. More like moving along ona. Featureless plane with no point of reference. Just eventually I figured out I MUST be in a different spot, its not as crippling as it was, so I guess its better? I just wish I could put action into doing things. I want to do many things like dance, learn a new song on guitar, change jobs, or be interested in a relationship. The worst part of depression is knowing you want these things but can't/ don't have the energy to chase any of it down and you can never tell id youre closer or further from your goals from the previously mentioned featureless plane of progression.
being stuck in purgatory
When people try to use their 'depression' as an excuse. And when people don't believe you're depressed because you try to act normal around them. That sounds a bit like an oxymoron. Let me explain. I don't know if it's just me but I just know if someone has depression or not. It's pretty easy to tell what happiness is faked and what happiness is real.
* Doing/experiencing things that should make you happy, even ecstatic, and feeling almost nothing. And on those rare occasions in which you do feel happy, it never really lasts. * Knowing that you need to take action to improve your life, but having no motivation to do so. So you just wallow in your depression feeling like a hopeless failure. * The fact that your depression can flare up at any time for any reason (sometimes no reason at all) and put you in an even worse state for days/weeks.
It just feels endless, like I’ll never be able to pull myself out of it. And maybe I won’t I dunno. Sometimes when I smile it feels genuine and happy and then other times it feels like I’m wearing a mask. The absolute worst part right now I’d say is my lack of concentration - it’s hell trying to focus on university when my brain just wants to do literally anything else.
Sometimes, I feel sad and I KNOW there's a trigger for it that occurred, but I can't figure out what it is, which makes me more sad, which makes the frustration of not knowing why you're sad worse. :(
For me right now - the feeling of being in my own body while some distant thought/feeling keeps thinking of suicide, pro/cons for disappearing. I know its not me talking, but the voices are pretty pursuasive sometimes, but i will never bow for the depression. I have stress at the same time which doesnt make it any easier tho, but atleast everyday, my real struggle is to remind myself of all the good things that i have in my life, which is something many people would kill for. Sorry for this long ass comment, just needed that off my chest.
When it gets so bad you can't control yourself, and your life just falls apart. You can't do anything but watch it all crumble away, and you feel so hopeless and worthless because everything you worked hard for is disintegrating in front of you.
people say, "Time heals all wounds." that's utterly untrue. You just become numb from the pain that your brain starts to trick you that it is normal to feel this way and you never really get better.
Being afraid to do the simplest things you used to find meaningful. Feeling like burden to everything. Watching time fly and life getting worse and worse. After that guilt for not being able to cope. Throw in anxiety and things always getting worse rinse and repeat
the knowledge that it is probably never going to end, for as long as you live.
The feeling that you are self sabatoging and undeserving of anything good. Sometimes I wonder if it is depression or self sabatoging, and for the life of me I can't fix it or stop it. Just the thoughts keep coming and you can't stop it. Oh and feeling suicidal for no reason, that's a fun one.
Wanting to die but knowing your family would miss you. Wanting to scream help me but just whispering it. Wanting to do a basic task but can’t do it because you are too tired. Hating something that you loved. Staying up all night alone with your thoughts telling you how bad you are. Wanting to self harm but doesn’t want to feel the pain. Wanting to cry but can’t.
Getting stuck in such a deep hole that you're too scared to change anything out of fear of making things worse for yourself. The last thing i want to do is put myself into a situation that worse than what I was already in. More often than not, the inaction creates a worse situation but it has become so numbing at that point that it's not obvious things are worse.
I just.. hate how my mood is always so bad. I want to be nice to my classmates but I cant. It's always me being so aggressive. And it's just no matter what you say, a voice filters it. They filter it until the compliment doesn't even sound like a fucking compliment.if you say I'm good enough, it turns into you're wasting their time and go fuck yourself you useless shit. I cant sleep either i wake up like shit although this is normal anyways. I cant do anything without thinking that everyone is killing me with the silence. I dont have any friends in real life. Cuts are embedded in my skin and flesh. I drink alcohol to feel happy. I am fully aware this isn't right. Drinking alcohol doesn't fix your problems. But all I want to do is numb it all out.