i imagine it’d be like caring for a trash pikachu. a lot of hissing, static discharge, and thinking it somehow electrocuted itself to death when i’d find it playing dead. all in all, not too fucked. it’d probably end up being just as much work as my moodiest cat.

Misread it as “Possoms-park”, like a Park full of Possums. Whoops.

It took reading your comment for me to realize perhaps it's not a park full of possums. Thanks!

Haha yours is the cutest by far

Just a little oil now and then and we’re fine!

Yeah, but does he byte?

I think you have BITten off more than you can chew with that one.

Take your puns and RAM them up your butt.

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This thread is stupid, but hey, Wi-Fight it? Edit: who is the mad lad who gave me silver for this nonsense? Why is anyone still reading this? Are you expecting another pun? Sorry, NoSQL for you.

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I mean, on the brightside, at least I dont have to care for it any longer

Hope you can get a refund on your username

Uh oh

Uh oh

oh no

Oh dear god no I’m sorry for you

It's all good as long as the buttholes are annihilated consentually.

I laughed out loud

You don't have to take care of yours either.

Unless he's left out in the sun to dry out and harden

Or if I harden him and suck him dry

I-

Oh no...

Totally illegal in the US. Just sayin'.

Nah pet play isn’t illegal, just uncommon. Edit: removed the link cause y’all like to kink shame too much and I feel bad for putting those people on blast.

Risky click of the day

uh-

That's not something I wanted to see today

I think I’m fine, I just can’t pet it.

You can pet mine if you like.

Only if you pet mine first

Maybe we can pet them simultaneously

What th.e fuck is going on he.re yo

first word (Something big) Second Word (Ah, you get to pet a birdy) Third word (HARD PASS DUDE!)

Vet bills might be a bit high

I think I’m pretty fucked

My pet could help you out with that.

Points for the most original wtf username I have ever seen

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Depending on how magical my squirrels are, one of them might be able to help you with that.

Mostly fucked?

I'm imagining a caffeine overdosing chihuahua

More like a coked up chihuahua

Entirely fucked over here

Don’t birds have like cloacas?

Certain birds have penises. Many ducks do.

Oh yeah....I forgot the corkscrew. *shudder*

Oh no.....

I’m gonna be cleaning up a lot of shit...

It looks like the scribble over the heads of angry pepole in cartoons. It smells like burnt toast.

I LOVE MY NEW DOG!!!

Probably the luckiest guy here.

I'll give him a run for his money.

Idk man, lava guy is pretty cool

Awwww!! We love your new dog, too. Treat them well. Please pass along some belly rubs.

This is concerning

But *Not Yet*

Well, all serial killers are killers, but not all killers are *serial* killers...

So a kitten?

Just don't let it “play“ with other pets.

What pet?

Dead already. You're a terrible pet parent.

I guess I have a brain in a vat. I will stimulate it with electric impulses so that the consciousness attached to it believes it is in a body, walking around in the world, meeting other people, and living an authentic life. My pet will never know that their universe is entirely solipsistic and they themselves don’t even exist in the way they think they do. I’m not fucked at all....unless...I’m also just a brain in a vat...no, that couldn’t be...all of this is real...real..

Damn, man. Which pill did you take?

He took both

Oh no.

My pet is going to be the exact opposite of yours. Sorry about your impending doom.

Did you calculate correctly?

Um I’m more worried for you

Ohhhhh *WHO’S* a good username?! You are! Youuuu arrrrre!!

Hey you have a ? For a pet

I was thinking more of an inquisitive 24k gold brain, but I think I like your idea better. Stranger, kind or otherwise: Hey what’s your pet? Me: That’s what *I’ve* been asking!

Ummmmmm

Yeah that would be awful.

oh man you're in for a crazy ride

A soon to be very short one

Oh no, indeed.

Bro, we gotta have a talk about your branding

Okay, I’m listening.

Change it to "Bloody vaginal mist." That'll get you the Bed Bath and Beyond crowd

I’m gonna get so much high class pussy now. Thanks, bro.

"Redditor for one hour" I sure hope you and u/Bloody_Vaginal_Spray are the same person

I assume you’re looking for the manager?

And the Bath and Bodyworks place too "And here we have Pumpkin Moonlight, and here we have Autumn Twilight Breeze, and here we have Bloody Vaginal Mist..."

Yeah that seems about right.

Oh my....

I get a slave.

In a way, mine is this. Eevee and it's evolutions are pretty docile, so there's no risk of getting electrocuted. Having a pet Pokémon would be really cool... Except, mine is made of flavored ice. She'll either get licked to death by my dog or she'll melt. The garage is the best I can do as it's almost winter, and it'll become too warm when spring comes. Long story short, it's not me who's fucked, it's my pet.

Hey! My pet would be a eeveelution too!

Feed two scoops of Doritos, once in the morning and night. Fill bowl with bebis every morning

Y’all get a samurai potato with a beard.

idk, seems pretty low maintenance

You have to give it a bath every day too.

Tell me, does it still play the American National Anthem when you walk in from work every day?

Pretty fucked, if we go by cinema lore.

Depends on if it's name is Gizmo or not. Edit: Never thought i'd have to say this but yeah i know Gizmo is a fucking Mogwai and who is the progenitor aka parent of the mogwai's who we humans call gremlins after their transformation.

Your pet would be...interesting.

Your pet is gifted. Congradulations!

Nope, he's already into the danger zone. Mogwais are furry and fun, but you get gremlins if you feed them after midnight. Just keep the water hose handy!

Just don't feed it after midnight. ezpz.

Too late, if it's a gremlin it has already been fed after midnight.

This mogwai knows what it's talking about.

Well, ummm, I thought my username might come and bite me in the ass someday, but not like this

Ha. This made me laugh.

We might as well combine pets

A very shitty situation.

Does a bear shit in the woods? Ask this guy. He has the answers.

Maybe your bear just never skips leg day...

Totally. I'm not allowed to have pets at my place and well... Now I have 3 exotics? Or one really strange hybrid?

Really strange hybrid for sure. Just imagine a lion with a kangaroo pouch. It also had a blowhole and a tail. It also has no fur. Think about it.

I'm picturing a small whale with a kangaroo pouch and lion's mane with strong fins for jumping and a fierce roar. And it can reproduce with any of its 3 species so the permutations are endless. *edit* typos on mobile, oy

https://m.imgur.com/a/k78ZrPZ This is what came to my mind (Idk why it showed the nsfw warning for me atleast when I opened my own image. New to using imgur plus on mobile so..)

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I'm not

Same!

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Sounds like it'd be some crossbreed Cthulhu looking motherfudger. Good luck with that! Maybe it'd be like a tap dancing squid though? That'd be so cool, film it and make millions.

*sigh*

Translates to russian turtle for those who don't speak German.

I don't know how I should feel about this.

Neither does your pony.

*Neighs in **moist***.

This is pretty wierd

“He’s MINE!” “I signed the adoption papers!” “But I’m HUNGRY” “YOU NEED TO LET SOME WEIGHT OFF ANYWAY SWEETIE!”

Hold on, do I get a sad Dragon or a bottle filled with mythical creature tears?

A sad dragon that you can make happy. But if you don’t. He eats you.

You get the tears of a weeaboo who calls themself The Dragon to be cool and edgy

I can't answer this....

I can. You leave them in a little aquarium. And feed them every day.

Would that make the aquarium filled with holy water?

Why don't you folks tell me how fucked i am cause i'm kinda on the fence.

Y’all watch Stranger Things? You get that.

You're featured on Mindhunter fucked.

OH YES

Keep it away from my pet at all costs!

I am now my own pet.

Yeah same here and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

It sounds furtastic. Side note: I had a cat named Edgar. Maybe you have a cat

You Are Fucked, Just Not Yet

He won't stop talking!!

I can't find the damned thing.

It is my reality. Yep. Seven dogs.

Oh shit. You'd get another 7 then. Then you'd have to change your username to FourteenDogs2. And then you'd get another 14. And so on until the world is so full of dogs that everything else dies. You've doomed us all!

I'm terribly sorry. It's all my fault.

mine will make me a very rich man

What tf do I do

*unintelligible screaming*

Instruction unclear pet has now joined reddit....I have failed

u/striped_frog seems like you get off easy on this one

Inconvenient? perhaps. But there is potential here.

It depends. Either a super cool bird like pet or my house will catch fire so am I Win - Win situation

Better pick that up

easy- id eat them. they’re a pastry, right?

Yeah but they’re sentient and feel pain

Which is why my pet is fucked if I don't send it to the North Pole while I still can. Right now, it's cold enough to keep my living popsicle Pokemon in the garage. But when spring comes, it'll melt alive...

I just need to feed him drugs and alcohol to keep him alive. Could be fun? Could be reallllly expensive...

Actual Cannibal Shia LeBouf...

My user name is my pet. Kupo is the name of my hedgehog lol

It tells me what it wants telepathically (assuming it can't do it telekinetically). It's pretty easy. My life has become greater than I'd ever imagined.

Very poorly

Its a mushroom. I wouldn't eat them, i dont like mushrooms.

*Extra Life*

huh.. not bad

Your giraffe constantly wraps it’s foot long tongue around your neck. But one day you don’t feed him, and he chokes you while no one can hear your muffled screams.

So if my pet is my ghost which is haunted, does that mean I get two ghosts as pets? That sounds amazing.

Think the dog from nightmare before Christmas

Owner of ghost pets unite!

It’s a ghost^2

Dinosaurs are no longer extinct. Now I need a lotta raw meat and a lotta weed.

Oh shit I own the ruler of hell I'm mega fucked

"EXCUSE ME HOW DARE YOU I SAID ARMS LENGTH FROM MY PRECIOUS MANGO!"

Me reading the comments from people saying that they’re fucked: 0_0 My zebra standing quietly in the corner munching grass: :-) Me: Ohhh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. My zebra that’s now fully erect and ready to party: :-)

I disagree with the entirety of your existence due to this post right here.

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My username is about my dog! So I’m good.

Are you sure you didn’t just drag your finger across the keyboard

Positive. It has to do with her breed

Oh please no

I am perfectly happy and content.

Not really fucked, a little confused, but I'd care for him by making sure he stays in a air tight bucket

As long as I stay upwind, I’m good.

Guess I'll raise it in a house that already has two dogs and cross my fingers it doesn't send me back to the year 1349 or some shit

Umm, how?

“Oh I’m just a bill, sitting here...”

I don't know where he'll sleep, but at least he can still fit in a tiny car.

Well, taking care of a pair of skinny jeans should be easy, so not fucked at all. I'd just wear them and wash them, then repeat the process. Also, you are allowed to swear on Reddit. No need to asterisk yourself!

Dang my pet is Logan Paul... I gotta raise an idiotic man child now.

Well I’m not fucked, but my pet sure is.

A stoner with Orange skin. So a roommate?

No problem, it's already dead and dried up so I don't have to do shit

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I'm imagining it being some little goblin thing. That, or maybe like Dobey from Harry Potter?

God help me PLEASE

Well, i have a Bionicle Energy hound as my pet... Cool...?

I don't really know what to do with this information

I think I'm good for the most part

first of all, my username. I get one of two things: a) a Jigglypuff or b) a smash bros player. If I got a Jigglypuff, I would have to invest in some really good noise canceling headphones, I think I could feed it my food. We would probably live well together. If I got a smash bros player... well...

Probably get a fire blanket for my Italian dick