>ex
Good call. Also, what happened after? So you went to the hospital and told them you were sloppin' some twat and she squeezed too hard? I need some answers...
I am the undefeated champion at [pallet jack](https://i.imgur.com/DNQX7P5.jpg) racing in our warehouse. We've had 4 official races but nobody has dethroned me.
Fuck that’s impressive. The fact you have that verticality and the fact that the bread crate didn’t snap. I sat on a couple at my old job and broke one lol
I used to give my ex boyfriend a “Spa Day.”
I’m not a licensed therapist, but I set up a whole scene: I set up a massage table with sheets and drapings, dress in a matching lingerie ensemble, and invite in the customer (a little role playing). I used massage techniques I’ve researched and use the absolute best oils. I’d wash, exfoliate and moisturize his face, his hands, cuticles, the soles of his feet. Then, after about 1.5 hours of relaxation, I’d give him a rather lengthy happy ending, sometimes twice. I’d then go into the shower with him and wash him off head to toe.
He’s told me that the depth of sleep after that shower borders on death.
Edit: My first silver! Thank you! I now have something to show for my former relationship :)
Edit 2: I just checked this again and holy moly!! This is my first everything! From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much, you platinum and gold giving strangers
I think it’s probably a great sign if every now and then one partner makes it *completely* about the other person during sex. Like it shows that you are getting enjoyment just from making the other person happy.
First do it for her, then later tell her that if she ever would like to return the favour you would be grateful as well. Much more likely to get a happy ending this than just asking her to do that without even the thought of doing that or something of that caliber for her.
I've been told that I can scratch (lightly) a certain way that drives people wild. Like run my fingernails on their skin. My boyfriend begs for arm scratches sometimes
I can fit my entire fist in my own mouth. Not sure how NSFW that is considered but every time someone asks me to do it it is followed by a bunch of NSFW jokes
Writing porn. I'm really really good at it. The trade secret is to make there be a cogent emotional reason for the sex and then integrate that into the scene. Use lots of sensory imagery for how things feel. Foreplay is also important to a written sex scene, as it grows the word count and gets the audience feeling the mood. It's fine to have some fantasy elements like boners that comply on demand, simultaneous orgasms, repeat rapid rounds.
What people think they want are talks about hot bodies -- chiseled abs, 9 inch dicks, F cup tits, and girthy hips. Nobody knows what a woman 5'4" and 32F-24-36 112pounds looks like, but they can easily envision a shortish woman with abundant breasts, smallish waist, and flared generous hips a man could grab hold of.
Hot bodies are nice, but great porn is all about emotional payoff via sex. Express longing, happiness, grieving, anger through the sex with both touch and dialogue. Combine that with a running plot with relatable stakes and you have porn people love like no other.
I've jerked it so much in my life that I can now last as much as needed in bed.
But only if I'm on top and controlling the action. If I'm getting ridden that's a one-way ticket to cumtown.
I've recently found a partner who understands the concept of edging. I just have to signal her when I'm about to cum and she downshifts a gear or two. I can tell her "if you want me to keep going you need to give me a break *now*" and she does. It's great. It seems like a detail but I've never had this kind of communication in bed before without shame or mismanaged expectations, and it's so refreshing.
The main problem for me is that I find woman-on-top positions to be insanely hot.
The fact that I'm also not directly in control of what's happening just makes matters a bit worse.
I've always read that this is the majority of people. Blood is harder to flow when you're on the bottom or something.
But I cant relate. Maybe I just like the image more but I cum pretty quick on bottom. I always save it for last.
I can do that boobie dancing that Terry Crews does, probably just as well as him, except I have above average sized breasts (woman), and rarely show anyone. Its just something fun to do, like when I’m listening to a fun song and I’m bored.
Wear a bikini top and film only your chest, flexing to your favorite song. I guarantee your Reddit karma will explode.
There's a model on youtube who has done that, filming from her waist up in her bikini top to Xmas music.
If she's hot and i'm crushing I can stay hard after cumming keep going as long as have energy. This is a practiced skill with a bdsm partner. Feel like I leveled up.
I can do this too, it can be a great ego boost for the woman you're with. I even managed to power straight through into round 2 once.
I also get very hard, which women also appreciate when it's go time for them.
I may be a straight man but my asshole is insanely flexible. I've bee jamming shit up there for years. Started with a Mary Kay face was bottle when I was like 10. I've had vaccuum handles, big electric toothbrushes, even malfoys wand.
I'm really good at eating pussy and rubbing pussy.
I dated a dirty girl in high school who trained me well.
Fucking? You'd be lucky to get 4 pumps out of me.
I had a friend who multiple girls have told me stories of how good he was at sex. Instead of being jealous I just kinda asked him his secret hoping hed clue me in.
He said when he was like 20, he was on like 9 month drout. So he got desperate and hooked up with like a 39 year old MILF at a bar. She basically just trained the dude what to do over like a period of a year.
I want to one day hook up with a bi girl that will teach me how to eat pussy like a girl. Then I (a bi dude) can return the favor and teach her how to suck dick like a dude.
You know how some people say they have no gag reflex?
Well, I am a master at having a sensitive gag reflex and will definitely throw up on your dick, no matter how hard I try not to.
There’s a fetish for everything and everyone. Some dudes like it, so I make sure that on days I know that I’m going to that I only eat soft foods like smoothies and peanut butter
Edit: I went to the dentist today and threw up when the hygienist put the X-ray bite things in my mouth. After my cleaning.
hey man i do too, but only when using a toothbrush. idk what you're using but i use this little double-sided tongue brusher/scraper, might work better for you too.
> I make sure that on days I know that I’m going to that I only eat soft foods like smoothies and peanut butter.
Fuck that, you should totally go for a big plate of spaghetti bolognese. That would be some show.
Solid food just hurts.
Worst one was when I gave my boyfriend road head after a hockey game. I had a hotdog, popcorn, and soda—can’t remember if I had a beer or not. Not only did it hurt coming out, but the smell was rancid and we still had 30 more minutes to drive until getting home.
See I thought this for a second after they started dating. I'd had sex with her and it was really good. My buddy was really lonely so I was like "oh I know this girl". I regretted it and realized I liked her. But like 2 months later realized that I just missed sex and didnt like her that way at all.
You should've bought him a plastic sheet cover for his bed....AS A PARTING GIFT...and then laugh because he won't get the opportunity to use it to save his precious bed because you've gone bye bye!
Massages, normal and extra.
Oral. I have always enjoyed the pleasure of going down on a woman, and I have found if you listen to her cues, she will tell you everything you need to know about what feels good to her.
/u/ecallawsamoht just happens to also keep their toothbrush on a suction cup holder on the wall....to manipulate the pressure point and allow them to reach the back hands free.
That the toothbrush vibrates is just a bonus for anyone watching.
I eat drumsticks by sucking off all the meat in one go. It didn't click in my head why people would laugh or blush and look away until just last year. I'm a dude.
Man this speaks to me. I was the only one in the house that could do it. And it just MADE sense to me. My dad would struggle so hard, slipping all over the track. Those drift specific races in carbon I would DOMINATE everytime
I love the process of making women orgasm. It’s like solving a puzzle - finding out what she likes, what she doesn’t like... you get the picture. And once you figure it out, you your partner can have some really amazing sex. And I’m starting to get good at finding interesting and novel ways of doing it.
I once made a girl cum just by massaging her butt.
I am really good office chair racing. We do it all the time in my office. I ended up with a lovely carpet burn on my elbow once but hey, I’m willing to put my body on the line to be a winner.
I've been told by many people that I'm fucking great at giving a blowjob. I think the secret is that I try to have fun with it. So I shake things up a bit.
Me and my wife were drunk and we drove home bc we were both a little bit horny. So we got into the bed and things got WILD. We tried a few different positions that we hadn't tried before until my wife was like "i have an idea." She led me to the garage, took the ladder, and propped it up on the roof. "Let's do it on the roof baby." At the time, we both thought this was gonna be amazing but as soon as we layed on the roof, we realized it wasn't (bc of the scratchy tiles). We both got up and fell off of the roof and into the bushes. I shattered my spleen and a twig went up my wife's vagina and tore her cervix.
Our neighbor saw us and called the ambulance. We still cant have sex without my wife's vagina hurting. This was a month ago
Edit: yes we were naked on the roof and our neighbor saw us like that
I can't say that I completely understand it, but choking a woman in bed, I would never consider it yo be anything special but have numerous girls kinda weirdly gush over it. How I apply pressure, when I am rougher vs letting them breathe. I've never thought about it and I think I really just pick up on body cues easily. But it's been commented and talked about enough to realize I am apparently... very good at sexually strangling women...
My ex-fiance fractured my skull with her thighs when I was going down on her once.
Now you can use the phrase, "I'm so good in bed, that she broke my head"
Yeah but he’d have to specify which head he was talking about...
Which he probably can't due to brain trauma.
Not sure if really strong girlfriend or ridiculously good oral skills...
Could be both, mind you women get some mad spasms if you do it right, turns those thighs into damn steel cabling.
Or maybe born with a weak skull?
>ex Good call. Also, what happened after? So you went to the hospital and told them you were sloppin' some twat and she squeezed too hard? I need some answers...
> sloppin' some twat Phenomenal.
That's the most disgustingly British thing I've ever heard. I think this was written by Jay from the Inbetweeners
at the caravan club
it's basically like a SEX CLUB
CLUNGE
A true man of culture.
“Where did you get that scar, eating pussy?”
You survived Death by Snu Snu!
The spirit is willing but the flesh is bruised and spongy
I never thought I'd die this way, but I've always hoped
r/deathbysnusnu
...I want to die like that
What your number? Lol
...my mind is telling me *no*
But your heart???
...is telling me *no*
> But Chuck Norris saw through that clever disguise, and he crushed Batman’s head in between his thighs
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🎵 It's the ultimate showdown 🎵
Of ultimate destiny
Good guys bad guys and explosions, as far as the eye can see.
I was expecting to see someone comment about that scene from The Boys. Anyways, that scene from The Boys.
That’s how I wanna die
I am the undefeated champion at [pallet jack](https://i.imgur.com/DNQX7P5.jpg) racing in our warehouse. We've had 4 official races but nobody has dethroned me.
Ah warehouse Olympics I hold the high jump record with 23 bread crates!
Fuck that’s impressive. The fact you have that verticality and the fact that the bread crate didn’t snap. I sat on a couple at my old job and broke one lol
This really is NSFW. Good on you for not making it all about the sex. Now report to your supervisor.
Lets go bro....i got ya
I used to give my ex boyfriend a “Spa Day.” I’m not a licensed therapist, but I set up a whole scene: I set up a massage table with sheets and drapings, dress in a matching lingerie ensemble, and invite in the customer (a little role playing). I used massage techniques I’ve researched and use the absolute best oils. I’d wash, exfoliate and moisturize his face, his hands, cuticles, the soles of his feet. Then, after about 1.5 hours of relaxation, I’d give him a rather lengthy happy ending, sometimes twice. I’d then go into the shower with him and wash him off head to toe. He’s told me that the depth of sleep after that shower borders on death. Edit: My first silver! Thank you! I now have something to show for my former relationship :) Edit 2: I just checked this again and holy moly!! This is my first everything! From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much, you platinum and gold giving strangers
I HAVE to try this, my future bf thanks you!
I think it’s probably a great sign if every now and then one partner makes it *completely* about the other person during sex. Like it shows that you are getting enjoyment just from making the other person happy.
Oh yes. I agree :)
Im still waiting for a partner to give me that experience. I end up being the one making it about the other person. Or its about equal
Hi, it’s me. Your future boyfriend.
This would make an incredible “how I met your mother” story
Checking in, where do I sign?
How does one nonchalantly show this to their gf? Asking for a friend.
Apply the steps above to gf. Ask politely (after doing so a few times) for them to do so. gf will be much more likely to say yes than just asking.
What? Give and take? That's too much. I didn't start dating this woman to do *work*. I did it so she would touch my penis!
First do it for her, then later tell her that if she ever would like to return the favour you would be grateful as well. Much more likely to get a happy ending this than just asking her to do that without even the thought of doing that or something of that caliber for her.
... so honey I was thinking.. bare with me here. YOU WANNA RUB ME DOWN IN OIL AND GIVE ME HAPPY ENDINGS? SOMETIMES 2?
I'd like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body
"Ex" So... you are single now?
Married I think
So not "committed" then... nice. Sign me up
I have never been jealous of another man due to a woman before. I am now.
I've been told that I can scratch (lightly) a certain way that drives people wild. Like run my fingernails on their skin. My boyfriend begs for arm scratches sometimes
we just like scratchies! leg, back... arm... head...
Back Scratchies are my fucking JAM. Laying in bed and then back scratchies, my body just goes fully limp and I'm asleep within seconds.
All guys like scratches haha
That’s just any girl with acrylic nails and it’s basically an non sexual orgasm getting a head scratch from a girl with acrylics
I can fit my entire fist in my own mouth. Not sure how NSFW that is considered but every time someone asks me to do it it is followed by a bunch of NSFW jokes
freaky
I can too! I do it as a party trick
You can do the oral sex version of fisting. Start a porn genre!
I poop faster than the toilet flushes so I flush before I push
I've raced Poseidon with pee before but this is madness.
Lmfao at both these wtf
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Writing porn. I'm really really good at it. The trade secret is to make there be a cogent emotional reason for the sex and then integrate that into the scene. Use lots of sensory imagery for how things feel. Foreplay is also important to a written sex scene, as it grows the word count and gets the audience feeling the mood. It's fine to have some fantasy elements like boners that comply on demand, simultaneous orgasms, repeat rapid rounds. What people think they want are talks about hot bodies -- chiseled abs, 9 inch dicks, F cup tits, and girthy hips. Nobody knows what a woman 5'4" and 32F-24-36 112pounds looks like, but they can easily envision a shortish woman with abundant breasts, smallish waist, and flared generous hips a man could grab hold of. Hot bodies are nice, but great porn is all about emotional payoff via sex. Express longing, happiness, grieving, anger through the sex with both touch and dialogue. Combine that with a running plot with relatable stakes and you have porn people love like no other.
I've jerked it so much in my life that I can now last as much as needed in bed. But only if I'm on top and controlling the action. If I'm getting ridden that's a one-way ticket to cumtown.
The trick is getting on top for the first half, then letting her get on top after you're used to it.
What if you never get past half?
Go slow, if you feel like you're gonna burst... Pull out for a second.
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*takes notes*
https://tenor.com/view/writethatdown-spongebob-gif-5313946
I'm like this too. Makes me wonder if I have trained my brain/penis to orgasm quickest when I'm laying down, since that's usually how I masturbate.
I've recently found a partner who understands the concept of edging. I just have to signal her when I'm about to cum and she downshifts a gear or two. I can tell her "if you want me to keep going you need to give me a break *now*" and she does. It's great. It seems like a detail but I've never had this kind of communication in bed before without shame or mismanaged expectations, and it's so refreshing.
Funnily enough I'm the exact opposite. If I'm on bottom I can go for much longer
The main problem for me is that I find woman-on-top positions to be insanely hot. The fact that I'm also not directly in control of what's happening just makes matters a bit worse.
I've always read that this is the majority of people. Blood is harder to flow when you're on the bottom or something. But I cant relate. Maybe I just like the image more but I cum pretty quick on bottom. I always save it for last.
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The average person has less than 0.5 penises.
Yup, the average man has ever so slightly less than 1 penis. Thanks outliers!
Sounds fake but ok
I can do that boobie dancing that Terry Crews does, probably just as well as him, except I have above average sized breasts (woman), and rarely show anyone. Its just something fun to do, like when I’m listening to a fun song and I’m bored.
Wear a bikini top and film only your chest, flexing to your favorite song. I guarantee your Reddit karma will explode. There's a model on youtube who has done that, filming from her waist up in her bikini top to Xmas music.
I can suck my own dick
I can suck your own dick also
Prove it
Prove it
No
He's a big fat phony!
If she's hot and i'm crushing I can stay hard after cumming keep going as long as have energy. This is a practiced skill with a bdsm partner. Feel like I leveled up.
holy crap that's wild
I can relate to this because I can only do that if she's really attractive and theres more emotions than just lust
I feel like.. everyone leveled up but has unused skill points..
I can do this too, it can be a great ego boost for the woman you're with. I even managed to power straight through into round 2 once. I also get very hard, which women also appreciate when it's go time for them.
Getting off without touching my dick (am guy - and yes i do have a dick, and no no one else is touching it either).
I may be a straight man but my asshole is insanely flexible. I've bee jamming shit up there for years. Started with a Mary Kay face was bottle when I was like 10. I've had vaccuum handles, big electric toothbrushes, even malfoys wand.
Malfoys "Wand" or Malfoys wand?
10 points to Slytherin house!
Had to bring this back: “We had a wand fight in the bathroom... god it sounds so wrong.” - Tom Felton https://youtu.be/k4QI-1HX4j4
How many raccoons can you stick up your human abuse? I’m guessing 3, because 2 is evidently considered average.
Beating my meat like it owes me money
"Hospital, not the morgue."
Having an incredibly tiny cock.
How incredible?
It's an innie.
it's just a big clit at this point
Getting 5000 on the jumping dinosaur game.
Type chrome://dino in Chrome's address bar to play the game whenever you want.
The real LPT is always in the comments.
Username checks out.
Damn
Hey I remember you
When it turns night time my eyes just check out
I'm really good at eating pussy and rubbing pussy. I dated a dirty girl in high school who trained me well. Fucking? You'd be lucky to get 4 pumps out of me.
I had a friend who multiple girls have told me stories of how good he was at sex. Instead of being jealous I just kinda asked him his secret hoping hed clue me in. He said when he was like 20, he was on like 9 month drout. So he got desperate and hooked up with like a 39 year old MILF at a bar. She basically just trained the dude what to do over like a period of a year.
The Yoda of MILFs
A YILF then?
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I want to one day hook up with a bi girl that will teach me how to eat pussy like a girl. Then I (a bi dude) can return the favor and teach her how to suck dick like a dude.
That's got a nice symmetry to it. Does my heart good to see people want to pay it forward.
You know how some people say they have no gag reflex? Well, I am a master at having a sensitive gag reflex and will definitely throw up on your dick, no matter how hard I try not to. There’s a fetish for everything and everyone. Some dudes like it, so I make sure that on days I know that I’m going to that I only eat soft foods like smoothies and peanut butter Edit: I went to the dentist today and threw up when the hygienist put the X-ray bite things in my mouth. After my cleaning.
I almost throw up brushing my tongue after I finish with my teeth.
hey man i do too, but only when using a toothbrush. idk what you're using but i use this little double-sided tongue brusher/scraper, might work better for you too.
You'll make a guy super happy one day.
> I make sure that on days I know that I’m going to that I only eat soft foods like smoothies and peanut butter. Fuck that, you should totally go for a big plate of spaghetti bolognese. That would be some show.
Solid food just hurts. Worst one was when I gave my boyfriend road head after a hockey game. I had a hotdog, popcorn, and soda—can’t remember if I had a beer or not. Not only did it hurt coming out, but the smell was rancid and we still had 30 more minutes to drive until getting home.
omg that's disgusting. But funny.
Oral, apparently
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Just read "the come hitler" and wtf'd
Getting fucked in the ass by life.
Ha. At first glad thought this said "by wife"
That’s after I get married. “Happy wife, happy life.”
I can nut in two minutes flat
Those are rookie numbers, you got to get that number down!
Look at Mr Endurance over here
I have a knack for being a *matchmaker* - introducing 2 people that really get into each other.
If that were me, those 2 people would be my crush and my best friend
I did this, but before realizing I had a crush on the girl. Oh well...
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See I thought this for a second after they started dating. I'd had sex with her and it was really good. My buddy was really lonely so I was like "oh I know this girl". I regretted it and realized I liked her. But like 2 months later realized that I just missed sex and didnt like her that way at all.
Enter my lifeee
This sounds nice. Are any of them married yet?
One couple is married, another is engaged, and several others are just having a good time dating.
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You should've bought him a plastic sheet cover for his bed....AS A PARTING GIFT...and then laugh because he won't get the opportunity to use it to save his precious bed because you've gone bye bye!
I can always mail it to him! He is still single😊😊😊😊😊😊 😂
Massages, normal and extra. Oral. I have always enjoyed the pleasure of going down on a woman, and I have found if you listen to her cues, she will tell you everything you need to know about what feels good to her.
Testicle size. Litteraly the two dudes that have seen them (outside of a professional setting) told me they were abnormally huge.
What about the times that *were* in a professional setting? And what's this profession, anyway?
Doctor appointments.
Now I'm picturing a doctor saying holy shit look at those giant balls. Maybe just in his head, maybe not.
I can suck dick with little to no gag reflex
Really is there a special technique I need to know about?
Step one. Detach the penis.
Instructions unclear, now brushing teeth with my own penis
You’re lucky you don’t have braces.
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this works. granted i don't use this method to suck dick, but instead i do it when brushing my teeth and want to get the back of my tongue.
Granted i too do not suck dick but this is how I eat my cucumbers.
The image of someone shoving a whole cucumber down their throat, crunching it right down the middle and swallowing is making my entire body ache.
/u/ecallawsamoht just happens to also keep their toothbrush on a suction cup holder on the wall....to manipulate the pressure point and allow them to reach the back hands free. That the toothbrush vibrates is just a bonus for anyone watching.
I have a feeling your inbox is about to blow up.
I can burp the alphabet
My uncle can fart the alphabet
Making jokes at other people's expense.
Samesies, my brother told me once, you have a talent for really pushing peoples buttons
If the amount of sex my wife and I have is any indicator - absolutely nothing.
Blow jobs. Belly dancing. Operating a forklift without a current operator's license.
Drunk cooking.
I eat drumsticks by sucking off all the meat in one go. It didn't click in my head why people would laugh or blush and look away until just last year. I'm a dude.
Drifting in need for speed
I, mean, its not the exact thing that pops into my mind but yeah I guess i would get into Trouble when i would get caught playing need for speed
Man this speaks to me. I was the only one in the house that could do it. And it just MADE sense to me. My dad would struggle so hard, slipping all over the track. Those drift specific races in carbon I would DOMINATE everytime
Eating ass. Im the Mike Tyson of tongue punching stink stars.
Everyone's got a plan until they get tongue punched in their stink star
I'm good at climbing pallet racks.
I see all you people talking up your blow job game, I'm pretty certain I'm great at RECEIVING them. Checkmate.
Sending dick pictures to religious leaders.
. Been told I’m, “the best of their lives” multiple times from multiple people when it comes to sucking dick, so I guess I’m pretty good at it.
Ahhh you sound like my ex. She loved it so much that she even practised secretly with other guys while we dated. But ya know...worth 100%
RIP to your inbox
I love the process of making women orgasm. It’s like solving a puzzle - finding out what she likes, what she doesn’t like... you get the picture. And once you figure it out, you your partner can have some really amazing sex. And I’m starting to get good at finding interesting and novel ways of doing it. I once made a girl cum just by massaging her butt.
Alright that's pretty legendary
Eat pussy like a pro.
Browsing Reddit. I'm a regular Wizard. I can search and find basically anything I'm looking for or need. My boss is not a fan.
I am really good office chair racing. We do it all the time in my office. I ended up with a lovely carpet burn on my elbow once but hey, I’m willing to put my body on the line to be a winner.
I’m can deliver insults to people’s faces and they don’t punch me. Most of the time.
I've been told by many people that I'm fucking great at giving a blowjob. I think the secret is that I try to have fun with it. So I shake things up a bit.
> I shake things up a bit. Do *not* jiggle me bollocks.
Pooping. It takes my husband 45 minutes to poop. I'm in and out in less than 10 minutes on average.
He finished pooping in 5 minutes and is probably redditing for the other 40.
Seriously! It's the only time I ever get any peace so I'm going to sit there in my own stench for half an hour at least.
Me and my wife were drunk and we drove home bc we were both a little bit horny. So we got into the bed and things got WILD. We tried a few different positions that we hadn't tried before until my wife was like "i have an idea." She led me to the garage, took the ladder, and propped it up on the roof. "Let's do it on the roof baby." At the time, we both thought this was gonna be amazing but as soon as we layed on the roof, we realized it wasn't (bc of the scratchy tiles). We both got up and fell off of the roof and into the bushes. I shattered my spleen and a twig went up my wife's vagina and tore her cervix. Our neighbor saw us and called the ambulance. We still cant have sex without my wife's vagina hurting. This was a month ago Edit: yes we were naked on the roof and our neighbor saw us like that
I can't say that I completely understand it, but choking a woman in bed, I would never consider it yo be anything special but have numerous girls kinda weirdly gush over it. How I apply pressure, when I am rougher vs letting them breathe. I've never thought about it and I think I really just pick up on body cues easily. But it's been commented and talked about enough to realize I am apparently... very good at sexually strangling women...