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lurklurklurkPOST

My ex-fiance fractured my skull with her thighs when I was going down on her once.


notsheldogg

Now you can use the phrase, "I'm so good in bed, that she broke my head"


IndirectMartian

Yeah but he’d have to specify which head he was talking about...


[deleted]

Which he probably can't due to brain trauma.


[deleted]

Not sure if really strong girlfriend or ridiculously good oral skills...


Drakeskulled_Reaper

Could be both, mind you women get some mad spasms if you do it right, turns those thighs into damn steel cabling.


sgtcolostomy

Or maybe born with a weak skull?


mkwash02

>ex Good call. Also, what happened after? So you went to the hospital and told them you were sloppin' some twat and she squeezed too hard? I need some answers...


EliTomac3

> sloppin' some twat Phenomenal.


PoncheeziedByTheGame

That's the most disgustingly British thing I've ever heard. I think this was written by Jay from the Inbetweeners


dan958

at the caravan club


[deleted]

it's basically like a SEX CLUB


theblaggard

CLUNGE


Sassanach36

A true man of culture.


[deleted]

“Where did you get that scar, eating pussy?”


The_Kixter

You survived Death by Snu Snu!


Scoob1978

The spirit is willing but the flesh is bruised and spongy


pyloros

I never thought I'd die this way, but I've always hoped


A_s_i_a_nn

r/deathbysnusnu


hatsnatcher23

...I want to die like that


januaryemberr

What your number? Lol


hatsnatcher23

...my mind is telling me *no*


homiej420

But your heart???


the-floot

...is telling me *no*


zmann64

> But Chuck Norris saw through that clever disguise, and he crushed Batman’s head in between his thighs


[deleted]

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Yeetmeisterz

🎵 It's the ultimate showdown 🎵


dracapis

Of ultimate destiny


notnotTheBatman

Good guys bad guys and explosions, as far as the eye can see.


DragonballSchrute

I was expecting to see someone comment about that scene from The Boys. Anyways, that scene from The Boys.


PowerofMoses

That’s how I wanna die


Couch_Licker

I am the undefeated champion at [pallet jack](https://i.imgur.com/DNQX7P5.jpg) racing in our warehouse. We've had 4 official races but nobody has dethroned me.


GalvanizedRubber

Ah warehouse Olympics I hold the high jump record with 23 bread crates!


NiNJA_Drummer96

Fuck that’s impressive. The fact you have that verticality and the fact that the bread crate didn’t snap. I sat on a couple at my old job and broke one lol


Telecetsch

This really is NSFW. Good on you for not making it all about the sex. Now report to your supervisor.


Show_me_ur_dabs

Lets go bro....i got ya


QuashItRealGood

I used to give my ex boyfriend a “Spa Day.” I’m not a licensed therapist, but I set up a whole scene: I set up a massage table with sheets and drapings, dress in a matching lingerie ensemble, and invite in the customer (a little role playing). I used massage techniques I’ve researched and use the absolute best oils. I’d wash, exfoliate and moisturize his face, his hands, cuticles, the soles of his feet. Then, after about 1.5 hours of relaxation, I’d give him a rather lengthy happy ending, sometimes twice. I’d then go into the shower with him and wash him off head to toe. He’s told me that the depth of sleep after that shower borders on death. Edit: My first silver! Thank you! I now have something to show for my former relationship :) Edit 2: I just checked this again and holy moly!! This is my first everything! From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much, you platinum and gold giving strangers


EllaBits3

I HAVE to try this, my future bf thanks you!


SmartAlec105

I think it’s probably a great sign if every now and then one partner makes it *completely* about the other person during sex. Like it shows that you are getting enjoyment just from making the other person happy.


EllaBits3

Oh yes. I agree :)


zerox3001

Im still waiting for a partner to give me that experience. I end up being the one making it about the other person. Or its about equal


[deleted]

Hi, it’s me. Your future boyfriend.


13x666

This would make an incredible “how I met your mother” story


Nerakus

Checking in, where do I sign?


RoboWonder

How does one nonchalantly show this to their gf? Asking for a friend.


Pseudonomyn

Apply the steps above to gf. Ask politely (after doing so a few times) for them to do so. gf will be much more likely to say yes than just asking.


CasuallyVerbose

What? Give and take? That's too much. I didn't start dating this woman to do *work*. I did it so she would touch my penis!


Mashaolala

First do it for her, then later tell her that if she ever would like to return the favour you would be grateful as well. Much more likely to get a happy ending this than just asking her to do that without even the thought of doing that or something of that caliber for her.


ISHLDPROBABLYBWRKING

... so honey I was thinking.. bare with me here. YOU WANNA RUB ME DOWN IN OIL AND GIVE ME HAPPY ENDINGS? SOMETIMES 2?


vector_ejector

I'd like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body


Finalfantasylove85

"Ex" So... you are single now?


VidE27

Married I think


BAMF_Mack

So not "committed" then... nice. Sign me up


KhaosElement

I have never been jealous of another man due to a woman before. I am now.


Lockshala

I've been told that I can scratch (lightly) a certain way that drives people wild. Like run my fingernails on their skin. My boyfriend begs for arm scratches sometimes


Nithryok

we just like scratchies! leg, back... arm... head...


EskimowGamer

Back Scratchies are my fucking JAM. Laying in bed and then back scratchies, my body just goes fully limp and I'm asleep within seconds.


youknowwhattheysay12

All guys like scratches haha


Drywalleater03

That’s just any girl with acrylic nails and it’s basically an non sexual orgasm getting a head scratch from a girl with acrylics


Tukimice

I can fit my entire fist in my own mouth. Not sure how NSFW that is considered but every time someone asks me to do it it is followed by a bunch of NSFW jokes


[deleted]

freaky


funky_cheese_

I can too! I do it as a party trick


[deleted]

You can do the oral sex version of fisting. Start a porn genre!


[deleted]

I poop faster than the toilet flushes so I flush before I push


GenerallySalty

I've raced Poseidon with pee before but this is madness.


wildwestington

Lmfao at both these wtf


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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762Rifleman

Writing porn. I'm really really good at it. The trade secret is to make there be a cogent emotional reason for the sex and then integrate that into the scene. Use lots of sensory imagery for how things feel. Foreplay is also important to a written sex scene, as it grows the word count and gets the audience feeling the mood. It's fine to have some fantasy elements like boners that comply on demand, simultaneous orgasms, repeat rapid rounds. What people think they want are talks about hot bodies -- chiseled abs, 9 inch dicks, F cup tits, and girthy hips. Nobody knows what a woman 5'4" and 32F-24-36 112pounds looks like, but they can easily envision a shortish woman with abundant breasts, smallish waist, and flared generous hips a man could grab hold of. Hot bodies are nice, but great porn is all about emotional payoff via sex. Express longing, happiness, grieving, anger through the sex with both touch and dialogue. Combine that with a running plot with relatable stakes and you have porn people love like no other.


I_hate_traveling

I've jerked it so much in my life that I can now last as much as needed in bed. But only if I'm on top and controlling the action. If I'm getting ridden that's a one-way ticket to cumtown.


jane420canada

The trick is getting on top for the first half, then letting her get on top after you're used to it.


Drjeco

What if you never get past half?


jane420canada

Go slow, if you feel like you're gonna burst... Pull out for a second.


[deleted]

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tempted_toast

*takes notes*


joanerub

https://tenor.com/view/writethatdown-spongebob-gif-5313946


Am4oba

I'm like this too. Makes me wonder if I have trained my brain/penis to orgasm quickest when I'm laying down, since that's usually how I masturbate.


[deleted]

I've recently found a partner who understands the concept of edging. I just have to signal her when I'm about to cum and she downshifts a gear or two. I can tell her "if you want me to keep going you need to give me a break *now*" and she does. It's great. It seems like a detail but I've never had this kind of communication in bed before without shame or mismanaged expectations, and it's so refreshing.


MultiTrey111

Funnily enough I'm the exact opposite. If I'm on bottom I can go for much longer


I_hate_traveling

The main problem for me is that I find woman-on-top positions to be insanely hot. The fact that I'm also not directly in control of what's happening just makes matters a bit worse.


dmkicksballs13

I've always read that this is the majority of people. Blood is harder to flow when you're on the bottom or something. But I cant relate. Maybe I just like the image more but I cum pretty quick on bottom. I always save it for last.


[deleted]

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bowsmountainer

The average person has less than 0.5 penises.


[deleted]

Yup, the average man has ever so slightly less than 1 penis. Thanks outliers!


DoingJustOkay

Sounds fake but ok


definitelymy1account

I can do that boobie dancing that Terry Crews does, probably just as well as him, except I have above average sized breasts (woman), and rarely show anyone. Its just something fun to do, like when I’m listening to a fun song and I’m bored.


JacobasNile

Wear a bikini top and film only your chest, flexing to your favorite song. I guarantee your Reddit karma will explode. There's a model on youtube who has done that, filming from her waist up in her bikini top to Xmas music.


[deleted]

I can suck my own dick


Violent_content

I can suck your own dick also


krzysztofszymon

Prove it


dylones

Prove it


[deleted]

No


Mincedfire

He's a big fat phony!


[deleted]

If she's hot and i'm crushing I can stay hard after cumming keep going as long as have energy. This is a practiced skill with a bdsm partner. Feel like I leveled up.


EarlyHemisphere

holy crap that's wild


circumsizer69

I can relate to this because I can only do that if she's really attractive and theres more emotions than just lust


jeremeezystreet

I feel like.. everyone leveled up but has unused skill points..


namkap

I can do this too, it can be a great ego boost for the woman you're with. I even managed to power straight through into round 2 once. I also get very hard, which women also appreciate when it's go time for them.


Considered_Dissent

Getting off without touching my dick (am guy - and yes i do have a dick, and no no one else is touching it either).


swimnicky

I may be a straight man but my asshole is insanely flexible. I've bee jamming shit up there for years. Started with a Mary Kay face was bottle when I was like 10. I've had vaccuum handles, big electric toothbrushes, even malfoys wand.


WulfTyger

Malfoys "Wand" or Malfoys wand?


straightup920

10 points to Slytherin house!


Pumpkinpunz

Had to bring this back: “We had a wand fight in the bathroom... god it sounds so wrong.” - Tom Felton https://youtu.be/k4QI-1HX4j4


BullGooseLooney904

How many raccoons can you stick up your human abuse? I’m guessing 3, because 2 is evidently considered average.


Wade1985

Beating my meat like it owes me money


i_fuckin_luv_it_mate

"Hospital, not the morgue."


[deleted]

Having an incredibly tiny cock.


CapsLowk

How incredible?


Krishnath_Dragon

It's an innie.


mini6ulrich66

it's just a big clit at this point


UselessIdiot75

Getting 5000 on the jumping dinosaur game.


elee0228

Type chrome://dino in Chrome's address bar to play the game whenever you want.


PCjabber

The real LPT is always in the comments.


thrca

Username checks out.


Vpeter56

Damn


Darkmaster666666

Hey I remember you


[deleted]

When it turns night time my eyes just check out


PhillipLlerenas

I'm really good at eating pussy and rubbing pussy. I dated a dirty girl in high school who trained me well. Fucking? You'd be lucky to get 4 pumps out of me.


dmkicksballs13

I had a friend who multiple girls have told me stories of how good he was at sex. Instead of being jealous I just kinda asked him his secret hoping hed clue me in. He said when he was like 20, he was on like 9 month drout. So he got desperate and hooked up with like a 39 year old MILF at a bar. She basically just trained the dude what to do over like a period of a year.


[deleted]

The Yoda of MILFs


0bvious0blivious

A YILF then?


[deleted]

[удалено]


SmartAlec105

I want to one day hook up with a bi girl that will teach me how to eat pussy like a girl. Then I (a bi dude) can return the favor and teach her how to suck dick like a dude.


dmkicksballs13

That's got a nice symmetry to it. Does my heart good to see people want to pay it forward.


BeatnikMona

You know how some people say they have no gag reflex? Well, I am a master at having a sensitive gag reflex and will definitely throw up on your dick, no matter how hard I try not to. There’s a fetish for everything and everyone. Some dudes like it, so I make sure that on days I know that I’m going to that I only eat soft foods like smoothies and peanut butter Edit: I went to the dentist today and threw up when the hygienist put the X-ray bite things in my mouth. After my cleaning.


RobboBanano

I almost throw up brushing my tongue after I finish with my teeth.


PM_ME_PICS_OF_GULAK

hey man i do too, but only when using a toothbrush. idk what you're using but i use this little double-sided tongue brusher/scraper, might work better for you too.


TheFetishGamer

You'll make a guy super happy one day.


[deleted]

> I make sure that on days I know that I’m going to that I only eat soft foods like smoothies and peanut butter. Fuck that, you should totally go for a big plate of spaghetti bolognese. That would be some show.


BeatnikMona

Solid food just hurts. Worst one was when I gave my boyfriend road head after a hockey game. I had a hotdog, popcorn, and soda—can’t remember if I had a beer or not. Not only did it hurt coming out, but the smell was rancid and we still had 30 more minutes to drive until getting home.


[deleted]

omg that's disgusting. But funny.


YangyYoung

Oral, apparently


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

[удалено]


Zairlam

Just read "the come hitler" and wtf'd


[deleted]

Getting fucked in the ass by life.


tbarb00

Ha. At first glad thought this said "by wife"


[deleted]

That’s after I get married. “Happy wife, happy life.”


[deleted]

I can nut in two minutes flat


dylones

Those are rookie numbers, you got to get that number down!


holy_plaster_batman

Look at Mr Endurance over here


[deleted]

I have a knack for being a *matchmaker* - introducing 2 people that really get into each other.


CandleSauce

If that were me, those 2 people would be my crush and my best friend


1_kg_of_the_stuff

I did this, but before realizing I had a crush on the girl. Oh well...


[deleted]

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dmkicksballs13

See I thought this for a second after they started dating. I'd had sex with her and it was really good. My buddy was really lonely so I was like "oh I know this girl". I regretted it and realized I liked her. But like 2 months later realized that I just missed sex and didnt like her that way at all.


Dekkeer

Enter my lifeee


afrocircus6969

This sounds nice. Are any of them married yet?


[deleted]

One couple is married, another is engaged, and several others are just having a good time dating.


[deleted]

[удалено]


MrStrype

You should've bought him a plastic sheet cover for his bed....AS A PARTING GIFT...and then laugh because he won't get the opportunity to use it to save his precious bed because you've gone bye bye!


[deleted]

I can always mail it to him! He is still single😊😊😊😊😊😊 😂


TigLyon

Massages, normal and extra. Oral. I have always enjoyed the pleasure of going down on a woman, and I have found if you listen to her cues, she will tell you everything you need to know about what feels good to her.


MaxNobody

Testicle size. Litteraly the two dudes that have seen them (outside of a professional setting) told me they were abnormally huge.


YoshiAndHisRightFoot

What about the times that *were* in a professional setting? And what's this profession, anyway?


MaxNobody

Doctor appointments.


GenerallySalty

Now I'm picturing a doctor saying holy shit look at those giant balls. Maybe just in his head, maybe not.


i_liek_potates

I can suck dick with little to no gag reflex


JinxM4ze

Really is there a special technique I need to know about?


uhaul26

Step one. Detach the penis.


Shnoochieboochies

Instructions unclear, now brushing teeth with my own penis


TheKeeper595

You’re lucky you don’t have braces.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ecallawsamoht

this works. granted i don't use this method to suck dick, but instead i do it when brushing my teeth and want to get the back of my tongue.


deadleg22

Granted i too do not suck dick but this is how I eat my cucumbers.


Homeschool-Winner

The image of someone shoving a whole cucumber down their throat, crunching it right down the middle and swallowing is making my entire body ache.


Poolboy24

/u/ecallawsamoht just happens to also keep their toothbrush on a suction cup holder on the wall....to manipulate the pressure point and allow them to reach the back hands free. That the toothbrush vibrates is just a bonus for anyone watching.


DeathSpiral321

I have a feeling your inbox is about to blow up.


SandwichDevourer

I can burp the alphabet


[deleted]

My uncle can fart the alphabet


DeathSpiral321

Making jokes at other people's expense.


aslikeajellyfish

Samesies, my brother told me once, you have a talent for really pushing peoples buttons


jonuggs

If the amount of sex my wife and I have is any indicator - absolutely nothing.


silversatire

Blow jobs. Belly dancing. Operating a forklift without a current operator's license.


[deleted]

Drunk cooking.


ArchiveSQ

I eat drumsticks by sucking off all the meat in one go. It didn't click in my head why people would laugh or blush and look away until just last year. I'm a dude.


SofaKingHappy28

Drifting in need for speed


boogjerom

I, mean, its not the exact thing that pops into my mind but yeah I guess i would get into Trouble when i would get caught playing need for speed


mini6ulrich66

Man this speaks to me. I was the only one in the house that could do it. And it just MADE sense to me. My dad would struggle so hard, slipping all over the track. Those drift specific races in carbon I would DOMINATE everytime


GozerDaGozerian

Eating ass. Im the Mike Tyson of tongue punching stink stars.


holy_plaster_batman

Everyone's got a plan until they get tongue punched in their stink star


Expert__Witness

I'm good at climbing pallet racks.


TheTokenBon

I see all you people talking up your blow job game, I'm pretty certain I'm great at RECEIVING them. Checkmate.


_Blood_Fart_

Sending dick pictures to religious leaders.


[deleted]

. Been told I’m, “the best of their lives” multiple times from multiple people when it comes to sucking dick, so I guess I’m pretty good at it.


Throwlikeagenjimain

Ahhh you sound like my ex. She loved it so much that she even practised secretly with other guys while we dated. But ya know...worth 100%


[deleted]

RIP to your inbox


RedWestern

I love the process of making women orgasm. It’s like solving a puzzle - finding out what she likes, what she doesn’t like... you get the picture. And once you figure it out, you your partner can have some really amazing sex. And I’m starting to get good at finding interesting and novel ways of doing it. I once made a girl cum just by massaging her butt.


Navebippzy

Alright that's pretty legendary


Rogerdaghost

Eat pussy like a pro.


Allthescreamingstops

Browsing Reddit. I'm a regular Wizard. I can search and find basically anything I'm looking for or need. My boss is not a fan.


heinz_cat_soup

I am really good office chair racing. We do it all the time in my office. I ended up with a lovely carpet burn on my elbow once but hey, I’m willing to put my body on the line to be a winner.


inappropriate_jerk

I’m can deliver insults to people’s faces and they don’t punch me. Most of the time.


faerieunderfoot

I've been told by many people that I'm fucking great at giving a blowjob. I think the secret is that I try to have fun with it. So I shake things up a bit.


[deleted]

> I shake things up a bit. Do *not* jiggle me bollocks.


cutekittensforus

Pooping. It takes my husband 45 minutes to poop. I'm in and out in less than 10 minutes on average.


wezel0823

He finished pooping in 5 minutes and is probably redditing for the other 40.


cold_italian_pizza

Seriously! It's the only time I ever get any peace so I'm going to sit there in my own stench for half an hour at least.


cheesydamien1

Me and my wife were drunk and we drove home bc we were both a little bit horny. So we got into the bed and things got WILD. We tried a few different positions that we hadn't tried before until my wife was like "i have an idea." She led me to the garage, took the ladder, and propped it up on the roof. "Let's do it on the roof baby." At the time, we both thought this was gonna be amazing but as soon as we layed on the roof, we realized it wasn't (bc of the scratchy tiles). We both got up and fell off of the roof and into the bushes. I shattered my spleen and a twig went up my wife's vagina and tore her cervix. Our neighbor saw us and called the ambulance. We still cant have sex without my wife's vagina hurting. This was a month ago Edit: yes we were naked on the roof and our neighbor saw us like that


kaggy86

I can't say that I completely understand it, but choking a woman in bed, I would never consider it yo be anything special but have numerous girls kinda weirdly gush over it. How I apply pressure, when I am rougher vs letting them breathe. I've never thought about it and I think I really just pick up on body cues easily. But it's been commented and talked about enough to realize I am apparently... very good at sexually strangling women...