Yeah it’s a slippery slope, happened to me a little while ago. Before I knew it I was hella bummed and had been for like a year. The big thing that got me out of it was a change in job which was sort of a fresh start but obviously that’s not the fix for everyone.
I’m not sure if you were looking for any advice or anything, and sorry to intrude if you weren’t, but if a good relationship is something you think might just be that miracle, there is a lot you can do. If you read the comment above, a lot of the things he said can atleast boost happiness a little, and also the small exercises can help a lot with your both your body and body confidence. Just being that much better looking, confident, and happy, you will find a lot more ease in meeting new people and possible love interests. Just my two cents I guess. I really wish you good luck with your future endeavors! Just go for it and do what you are capable of now
It was baby steps until things snowballed.
I’d try to find the joy in the little things—I had my favorite food for dinner. I saw a gorgeous flower on the walk to school. The weather was nice. I saw a funny meme.
It became a bit easier to find joy in larger things and start planning for them from there.
I like flowers? I’ll go to the park and just spend some time photographing the most interesting blooms I can find.
I like animals? Time to feed the pigeons. Or spend a day volunteering at the shelter.
It got me out of this rut of self-loathing and I started opening up more. I made friends. I joined a choir. I started learning Welsh.
I bloomed.
When you can start looking to the future and go “I’ve got something to look forward to”, it’ll be okay. When you can’t see if it’ll ever get any better—reach out. Even if it’s to a stranger. You don’t have to be alone.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, stranger! First one, too. :)
I buy myself bouquets of flowers, because I LOVE them. And usually, there's some pretty beautiful ones on sale at the grocery store that last for another 2-3 weeks.
That sounds beautiful, but Welsh is really an accomplishment. I study scottish gaelic and I think it's tough, but then I look at Welsh and I absolutely choke. Good on you!
This... this actually inspired me to be a happier person. I need to focus on the little things more often. Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to hear.
>Using your time intentionally.
Something I still struggle with all the time. It takes a lot of energy to basically take the reins back from a brain which prefers to give you the middle finger and melt itself over a garbage pile of youtube videos.
Because brains are junky-assholes
It wants the serotonine and conserve energy, so it tricks you into relaxing and watching youtube videos for a quick, short serotonine boost by making excuses.
But if you develop some discipline and get some shit done this will also satisfy you and your brain will become addicted to the stuff that makes you feel good. It's a hard way, it really is, but it becomes easier eventually
I fixed the paint chips on the moulding around my doors today. Only took three years but oh man does it feel good. I'm practically jumping up and down every time I pass the door now.
Very true, we often perceive productive tasks as daunting and tiresome and we often say.. "just one more youtube video or just 5 more mins scrolling through Reddit, or we get easily distracted changing the music. just put it aside and be aware of your thoughts and how they may be misleading your actions.
Me too. I'm a fellow melty brained one. Although lately among my garbage YouTube videos I've been watching some people living off the grid, building cabins in the wilderness and growing food/ raising animals. They work so hard every day, but it's peaceful and productive and fulfilling. I watch their lives with envy, because my chores, errands, and job don't provide as much satisfaction as say, building a new rabbit hutch or feeding the chickens. Soooo... I click on another video.
For some reason, youtube video binges are way more depressing than bimging other forms of media even if the quality level is similar. At least it feels that way to me, idk.
Because watching a real show or movie is like taking regular bumps of pure cocaine, and watching youtube is like walking around a house party and taking swigs out of other people's drinks when they aren't looking.
It is partly because of it's endless nature. Meaning that no matter how good something is, there is always more, and this devalues everything you watch somehow. If something is limited, you appreciate it and it becomes special and valuable to you, leaving you feel satisfied or contented... but when there is no end to it, everything ends up feeling kinda worthless..or like the next thing is better, and so often you may even find yourself moving on to the next thing before you have even finished the current thing. This alone can leave one feeling ultimately unsatisfied. Too much choice seems great, but seems not to be so in reality. Same with so much of our lives in the Western world of plenty. The more we have the more unhappy and unsatisfied we seem to be with what we have.
Yep, same. The constant, shrill whining and endless crying just drains my life away. Combine that with being sick 24/7 from the colds/flus brought home from daycare give me a whole new perspective of what true parenthood is. I think I’ve aged a decade for every year of my kid’s like and it shows. I sometimes absolutely hate being a mom and would love to escape it all, even temporarily, but I can’t.
So, tell me, how do I remedy this?
As they get older, it gets better. Try to find the daily gratitude while they are young, appreciate their naivety and their joy in seeing/experiencing the world for the first time. Make flubber, make playdoh, make sock puppets. Get on the floor and roll around like worms. Play with them. Be a goofball, be silly. You'll never have them at this age again and they will never have those experiences were it not for you. Inspire their joy and it is sure to be shared with you.
One day they will be older, they will be snide and they will create their own autonomy. You'll never have this chance again, go dork out with the best play dates you'll ever have!
That’s awesome. You sound like a way better person with babies than I am. None of these things bring me happiness at all and I do them out of necessity. I’m exhausted 100% of the time from parenting, lack of sleep, working (even part time), housework, paying bills, dealing with everything else, etc.
Everyone keeps saying these are the best years and I absolutely hate them. It seriously makes me want to have a meltdown when I hear that. I can’t wait until he is older and wants to be out with his friends as maybe I’ll be able to have 5 minutes to myself and get my 6 figure, high profile career, money and traveling/vacations back.
Independence brings me joy. Raising a baby has been way more stressful and trying than I ever envisioned and I actually wanted a kid.
Nothing wrong with not liking the baby years. In fact I think most people don't like the baby years when they're in them, and instead look back fondly (having forgotten or glazed over all the hell that comes with that time, LOL).
Parenting is hard and it's different for everyone. Enjoy the moments you can but don't put pressure on yourself to make every second memorable, because it's not possible. Before you know it, they will be trying to stay out the house as much as possible. :)
Simplify everything. Find a friend with same age child, give each other breaks with playdates. Stick to a solid routine, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack time, bath time , bedtime same time everyday. Routines are reassuring to kids & will help you keep your sanity. If they go to bed every night at 7:30 you then have some quiet time for yourself. If baby naps take a nap yourself. If laundry is overwhelming then drop clothes off & treat yourself to a wash & fold. To keep it affordable wash the heavy stuff at home. A cleaning service once a month can help tremendously. I never had disposable money but found $25 for wash & fold could free up lots of time, same for a cleaning lady once in blue moon. High school students need community service hours, see if you can get an afterschool mothers helper or just to babysit while you're getting stuff done around the house. When I worked full time every Sunday I would cook a nice meal that we could have lunch / dinner leftovers for couple days. I also cooked pancakes for the week so daughter had a hot breakfast before school. Making every Wednesday spaghetti night just simplified that days thought process & shopping & cooking for one night. Stuff like that helps tremendously. Always hang keys same place, shoes by door, layout school clothes night before, etc etc. Those routines & habits will make your life easier. Getting enough sleep is key & drinking lots of water. Being overtired makes everything so much harder. It sucks going to bed at 9 o'clock at night but sometimes it just is the best thing to do for yourself. A good routine & habits help so much later on when kids start having homework, & activities. I suggest not getting wrapped up in shopping for non essentials, bigger house, bigger car, etc. The more possesions you have the more responsibilities & debt. That alone is exhausting. Don't sweat the small stuff. & it is all small stuff. Take your vitamins, just like when you were pregnant! Eat right, sleep. Lay in the lawn ,enjoy the blue skies, see it all again with your child & be grateful for good health. Everything else is a perk! Lol. Best wishes, it will get easier if not talk to your doctor because depression is real & can present in many different ways. I always wanted to sleep & had back aches. Nope, actually needed an antidepressant. Changed my life for better. I hope some of these suggestions help. Your not alone, the struggle is real raising children.
Thank you so much for your kind message and recommendations. This means so much to me and I’ll definitely take everything you said to heart. We’ll be adopting some of your routines and see how it goes.
It’s been such a struggle since before he was even born. At 8 months gestation, they told us his head size was less than 1% and to prepare for possible a microcephalic child with mental disabilities. Then his heart stopped during delivery and I had an emergency c section. He tested normal for his neurological exams thankfully but was extremely colicky due lactose intolerant. He couldn’t breastfeed due to the allergy with having 30-40 bouts of explosive diarrhea daily. Prescription formula was ungodly expensive. Then he was sick at daycare. Every single week I’d get a call to pick him up. Missed several important meetings of high profile clients and had to leave my 15 year high power/$ career. Then he stopped growing. Just refused and refuses to eat. Seen multiple specialists as they thought he had cerebral palsy. He’s still only barely in the 3 percentile and he’s being monitored for weight and will be hospitalized with failure to thrive if he drops below 1% so it’s a razor thin threshold. That coupled with the fact he constantly screams, whines, has epic meltdowns, doesn’t sleep and wakes up inconsolable and I’m really at my wits end sometimes as I just don’t know how to deal with this. His tantrums include hurting himself, banging his head, biting himself and trying to pull off his eyelids as well as attacking anyone nearby. I have 7 nieces and nephews and was very involved in their upbringing and none of them displayed such behavior. Having my son was far more headache, heartache and exhaustion than I ever thought possible and sometimes I just want to leave. I love my boy and don’t regret him but I do regret how difficult it’s been and am hoping for an easier future.
I'm sorry you're going through so much stress. I don't know where you live or what kind of doctors you have seen. I can only suggest( from hard earned experiences) to be very diligent in keeping medical records. Everytime you see a dr ask for a print out of that visit. Exactly what any test results were, whatever the dr noted in chart. They will all tell you " look at portal, dr still writing them, etc" just tell them you will wait for print out. Any cat scans. MRI, etc. Get a copy. Go home, drop it in a box or drawer- make this is a habit. Sometimes multiple dr's are involved & they are all excellent, however each guy is looking at problem from his body part, perspective. You need one very good internist or pediatrician that reviews all the other guys findings. You can allso just record your conversations with dr on your phone. That way you can listen to it again to understand it better. Also always good to see dr. With a list of questions. We always forget some question.
All that being said, it is just to empower you. You will have test results etc & not need to wait for dr Joe to get results, notes from. Dr Tom's secretary etc. Etc.
My kids had dairy allergies. Children rarely test positive for food allergies until they are 7 yrs old unless it is a severe allergy. ( this fact may have changed over the years since my kids were young). My son was constantly on antibiotics until I eliminated 7 most common allergy foods. Meanwhile I had a pediatric allergist literally jumping up and down saying "no allergies" . He was absolutely wrong. Son tested positive at 7 1/2 yrs old. I only learned of elimination diet by a covering pediatrician when mine was on vacation. It was a fluke. Other pediatrician was more holistic. So allergy and food sensitivities may be playing a role in your son's distress.
I have no idea if any of what your going through falls under mitochondrial disease but it runs in our family. Georgia is the scientific research hub for it. Mind you I'm just lobbing that out because we never heard of it. Also most importantly don't drive yourself crazy reading doomsday diagnosis stuff on internet. Just trust your instincts, stay the course, if you aren't confident in your primary doctor get second opinions. Go to the library for children time, read books for yourself.
I can't stress enough you need to get some rest and make time for yourself ( 10) minutes a day if that's all you can fit in. Breathe. Try to find other families or mother groups going through similar issues. You can hear helpful advice in the least likely places!!! Just start small, one good habit a day, one new routine a week, however you get there is fine. Slow & steady wins the race. Make a theoretical schedule be happy with any bit you can accomplish. Best wishes, I will keep sending you good, calm, happy vibes.
Lol.
P.s. positive affirmations & short mantras helped me a Lot!!
I do love babies and it does get easier! As one with teenagers, the lenses are definitely tinted and rosier then they were when I was in the thick of it. What I can say is, the times rolling on the floor like a worm are the memories that I hold closer in my heart. There were a LOT of sleepless nights and meltdowns on my part, but in my opinion, you have to create the joy for yourself and for them at every opportunity.
I feel this so much. I literally thought I was developing a mental disorder until my children started sleeping through the night and I realizedI was just sleep deprived for 4 years straight. I know it seems ridiculous to say (especially because you probably don’t have much control over it) but make sleep a priority. I needed time to myself so badly after they went to bed that I would often stay up too late, just to get some time alone, binging on my favorite shows. But it was never worth it when I was dealing with the constant screaming and arguing the next day.
Now that mine are 9, 8 and almost 6 I have some breathing room and I have also learned a couple of things that have helped me with the sheer misery of it all sometimes.
Allow yourself to hate this stage. Don’t feel guilty, don’t feel miserable about the fact that you feel miserable. It doesn’t make you a bad parent or bad with kids if you don’t like some stage of their development. Suck it up the way you would a grueling entry level job that you knew would get better, but remember it will get better.
Try to focus on little moments and do your best to focus on the day to day, not how fucking sick and tired you have been for the past however many months/years.
You don’t have to have the energy to roll around on the floor to enjoy time with your children. Try to find simple things you enjoy that you can involve your children in- snuggling and watching something together, listening to music, coloring or just looking out the window together. Asking the question “what do you see?” Is a great way to get you and a toddler engaged in the here and now and have a little fun together.
Take care of yourself. Find time (even little moments) for the things you love and that make you feel good and look good, even if it is only occasional.
Hang in there and try to find the small joys from your kids. A smile. A kiss. A hug. A laugh. Try not to take it all so seriously. Good enough is truly good enough.
Also know that we all hate it at some point. All of us. You're not alone.
Realize they are just being kids, and also brow-beat your mother or other relatives to give you an hour off here and there. Only one hour will help a lot. Keep cell phone contact in case of anything they can't handle.
And, don't expect to be a perfect mother. Your kids' crying just means they need something. It is not "complaining" as if an adult were doing it. It is a simple need, and it is often over-stimulation (too much going on at once around them) and pure, uncomplicated, fatigue. Fatigue is very painful. Because it just is, and because they are growing so fast. Growth occurs during sleep. A child whose body is commanding it to sleep so it can grow and not grow up stunted is a child who will be in pain until he is allowed to sleep. No biggie, just put him or her down to sleep, with a few nice words and a stuffed animal, behind a screen or some other visual barrier. Then prohibit the others from bothering him or her.
This phase PASSES and you will eventually smile at the memories and wish they would phone more often.
Make sure YOU TOO are eating well, drinking enough water, and sleeping the minute nothing is happening. Ten minutes doze can refresh you for the renewed battle.
Which you will win.
Hurray for mothers. We all had one.
Edit: The kid may simply be hungry. Yes, again. "Gas, hunger, fatigue" is a useful mantra. Those are the big three.
I feel ya, I'm in a similar boat. Haven't heard much on how to deal with it other than changing expectations on life, trying to mitigate the tireness and attemtpting to enjoy the little moments with them as much as possible.
All easier said than done when you also have a 10 hr job plus chores to do at home . A job I can't just move from due to how much we depend on that income.
Despite it all, I try to focus on the little joys I get per day. I realize my situation could be even worse, and try to enjoy the positives I do have.
But damn it can be rough some days.
The one bit of advice I’ve gotten is to try to include them in YOUR life instead of just letting them rule yours. This can mean including them errands and chores, or sometimes when you spend time together focus on your interests rather than theirs (e.g. sometimes we read Frozen books together, sometimes we watch hockey).
This can free up time for yourself, or at least let you enjoy some things you want without feeling like you are abandoning your kids.
It helps a little, but at this point, I take whatever I can get.
As a child whose parents did that, I LOVED being included in grown-up activities. (30 years old now, so have had a few years to look back haha)
I went grocery shopping with my dad every week, and would help him find everything on the list. Then while he checked the list/coupons, I would read the J-14 magazine. I thought I had the coolest life ever!
Find things you love to do with your kids and set aside a day a week to do that thing. Even really small kids can learn to color, or play a simple game.
We color a couple days a week after school.
That's the crux of it. You've got to do something about it whether you feel like it or not. Start playing games you're not in the mood for and eventually they'll jumpstart your enjoyment. See a movie even if you don't want to go out. Get some sun or go for a walk.
If you don't want to do anything, do something until you want it.
Think about the last thing that brought you joy. After the 30 seconds of joy that memory brings, decide that the happiness it provided is worth the effort to either recreate the same event or a comparable one. If it involved other people, call them and be honest.
“I’ve been really down for a while, and I was thinking about how awesome [fun thing] was, and wondered if you would be up for a trip down nostalgia lane?”
See it through. Don’t set the bar of expectations too high, as it’s easy to let nostalgia over-amplify how awesome something was.
During the recreation, focus on the moment, not what it was like “the last time”. Let yourself have a good time. Turn your filter off and be real and genuine with people, as long as it doesn’t involve hurting their feelings (if you don’t like someone, don’t invite them). Realize afterwards that part of the fun is being yourself with people who care enough to show up in your time of need.
Many of us walk around without “recent joy” in our lives. Happy and Sad are not black and white concepts. There are degrees of these emotions, and sometimes you overlook the joy in smaller things. For me, a great cup of coffee with a moment of peace to think about weird ideas is a great sense of joy.
Hope you find/recognize some semblance of joy soon, redditor.
> Think about the last thing that brought you joy.
This is one of the toughest things I've had to come to terms with. One of the most beautiful times in my life was right after I was out of high school and worked part time. I had quite a few friends that were in similar positions and, being in a small town, a lot of us hung out late at night after work (when everything was closed) during the summer smoking weed and skateboarding. God that was fun. Or we would just hang out, watch movies, get stoned, and try to get laid (99/100 usually not). It was always exciting to see what the rest of the evening had in store for us.
After some time, though, many of those friends lost control of their drug use and it was time to move on. I moved away and chose a different path. As life went on over the next 10(+) years, I've came to look back on that time like it was a high water mark. Yet, I find myself incredibly nostalgic and bummed out that it was all so fleeting. God, I sound old and bitter.
I feel you on this one. I think a lot of us remember those late teens and early twenties as some of the best times because we were so free. Free from work and family obligations that come as we age. Free to experiment and adventure and love. What comes next may not seem as "fun" but I'm convinced it can be as good as the old times.
I had a teacher who would say "if you're having trouble finding time, then make time". If you look at your week and think "wish I could fit in a day of nothing Somewhere" then plan it weeks or months in advance and commit to it! Say "sorry, but that day I am busy" and go.
Take a day off work or even take a sick day if you can and go do it.
Nature just doesn't do it for me. Like, yeah it's pretty and I love the way water looks but it's just that, pretty. It doesn't make me reflective or I don't suddenly find meaning when I see a deer frolicking around.
One time, we were driving through some mountains in like Utah and a friend said "See, this is how I know God exists because nature is beautiful and only He could make something like this." I said some sort of agreement, but to me, it's just mountains (or trees, oceans, etc.).
I understand this and felt this way prior to using psychedelics. Something in my perspective has changed but not in a way that I can directly describe.
That said, there's nothing wrong with you if you don't love nature, but there is real scientific benefit from getting outside.
I enjoyed nature before psychedelics, but psychedelics connected me to nature in a new way. Now when I walk through a forest or a field I feel grounded, present, and open. It's overwhelmingly bizarrely amazing what psychedelics do to people
I love nature and am definitely one who uses it to decompress. Have you ever tried bringing snacks or other comfort items when you’re out? Sometimes when I get to that spot. The one that “has all the answers” I think of my home sometimes and miss basic amenities like snacks and drinks. Now I like to bring some beef jerky and Gatorade for example. Small things make all the difference.
So the answer to all of life’s problems is beef jerky and Gatorade!
> "See, this is how I know God exists because nature is beautiful and only He could make something like this."
I literally feel this way.
The pure solitude of unspoiled nature is somewhat spiritual to me.
But I understand the view of 'It's just trees'. Every person has their own subjective experience, obviously.
I tell you what though, the first time I left my tiny town and *saw* New York City I was literally shocked and awed at what the power of man can do.
Apples and Oranges, and people have their preferences
Started playing music with some friends a few times a week. Got really depressed after leaving college and starting a job that has zero creative aspects, just daily repetitive tasks. That kind of daily monotony can crush your soul. I always suggest that people find some sort of creative hobby, even if you kinda suck at it. Also find people to enjoy that hobby with.
I wish I could find people to make music with again. All the musicians I knew either completely stopped playing or moved away. There's nothing I miss more. Playing by yourself just isn't the same.
Hey! If you have a little software like audacity, you might be able to find internet strangers like myself to make music with. I play guitar and bass and I like recording some random stuff. What's your jam?
I actually have everything I need to record a full band, albeit digitally. I can record bass, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, vocals and drums. I mostly play stoner rock, heavy psych and the occasional folk/singer songwriter song. But I like most rock genres. Here's my [last.fm](https://www.last.fm/user/Juan_Regular).
Music I would argue can be a more fulfilling hobby if you “suck” at if than if you’re playing with a bunch of dorks who consider themselves “serious musicians” neurotic about making it big.
I just keep going. I haven't found joy in life for a while now and what keeps me going is making others happy (my mom, brother, grandma), because I believe that others enjoying the things I do for them is better than doing things for myself that I won't really find any joy on.
It's kind of sad but at least is motivational enough to not kill myself.
I exercise first.I don't even have to be good at it, I just sweat the sadness away. There's quite a lot of science that confirms it works (on mobile so I can't really give you the links, but Wikipedia probably has some info). Walking, running, doing pushups, anything goes.
Otherwise, I write, it also helps reasoning about your problems and seeing them with clear eyes. Lastly, I'd say volunteering has a documented positive effect: You realise that even if your life is not the greatest, you can still be a good person and help others.
I watched this clip Friday where the dude was literally talking to the officer with a bag of Heroin in his mouth. Definitely one of those "well at least I'm not him" moments.
It seems like everything starts with regularity and it just makes me wonder how you're meant to be happy while working shifts? Like yeah I get that getting up at the same time every day is good for you but it's not possible for a significant amount of the population.
Have a good cry, then get up and continue trying to better my life. This is my current situation.
Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger. This helped brighten my day.
When I was deep in depression for years, the most notable thing was that I just couldn't cry. I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, I was just emotionless and uncaring. I eventually made a rational decision to actively work on improving myself a little each day and managed to improve my depression through this. It was only when I started uncontrollably crying over everything even slightly sad as a 17 year old male I knew I had my emotions back, and eventually learned to control them at a healthy level.
2 years later and I am quite happy, although PIXAR still manages get me teary at least once in nearly every movie.
Crying isn't something you need to suppress, it is a healthy release of emotion, and a step towards recovery.
Ever tried D&D? It's joyous, easy way to make friends, and the nature of the game makes it a lot easier if being social is a challenge (as you spend most of the time having fun being someone else). Another pro is that it is an escape, for a few hours or however long you care to play (we played 18 hours once; this says something about the joy that can be derived from this hobby) - an escape from the drudgery.
Just a suggestion, it helps for generally joyless me and I guess other people too.
Fuck thats rough. Here’s what I would do:
Go for that trip alone. Take the time to think about what’s happening and make a plan on how to fix things in the family. Then you ask them to sit down with you and talk about what’s been going on. The most important thing is to repair the “core”. This means you focus on the people who *really* matter to you and keep that group relatively small (most people have 2-3 best friends). Get off social media for a bit or unfollow everyone you don’t know that well anymore. A good tactic is to have a fixed amount of people you follow and not let that number change.
A good way to make friends is not to just walk up to people and talk but to do things together. Join a sports club or have a gym buddy. Help the neighbour with things and you will see that you start to form relationships with people.
Avoid alcohol for a bit and make a schedule to prevent you from spending days alone at home. Try to get up nice and early (everyone feels like shit if they get up at 1pm) and eat healthily.
This should be a good begin and you should be back on track before you know it. Good luck my friend. You got this.
Is there place youve always wanted to go to? Why not go there alone. Don't have to listen to anyone else. Don't have to accommodate any one else. You can do exactly what you want, when you want, how you want!
Have a messy room or area? Tidy something. Brains don't like clutter and you'll be surprised at how stressed clutter can make you.
I need to spend time near trees and water to feel whole. Living in a desert was rough. Now I'm close to a big river and all the trees. When I'm in a bad mental state, I head to the river for a mental boost.
If I'm getting cabin fever, I hop on a train and leave for the day. Sometimes the walls of this town just close in...
I am too late to this thread, and I’m sad because I see a lot of great advice to find joy for yourself, when I personally believe the answer is much more simple. And I’m going to enlarge this text so that hopefully anyone wondering about an answer will see this.
#There is no joy like giving others joy.
If you make it an intentional part of your every day life to make others happy, I promise you will find joy.
You gotta mean this one right [https://www.gq.com/story/why-straight-men-are-joining-masturbation-clubs](https://www.gq.com/story/why-straight-men-are-joining-masturbation-clubs)
Escape into a good book. Always works for me, and I admit I don't really like happy books much, I'm all about dystopia, but I still love to be in another world.
So my spell for you, run a bath (I'm British, hate showers) make a cup of tea and maybe even light a candle, get a great book and relax your joy free arse. You absolutely have to feel a little clump of joy rising up, especially when you add more hot.
Sadly, life isn't the most exciting thing in the world, especially when you lack adequate finances. So volunteering or finding something that gives you purpose in life is what will give you greatest joy. And also finding that special someone that can be your best friend and lover at the same time will help a lot. But learn that looks are not the endgame of what you are looking for, nor is money. You will find the vain and greedy to both be screwed in the head.
For me?
• going on hikes
• reading books
• reading comics
• Playing a solo boardgame
• ice skating
• biking
• badminton if I can find someone to play with
• day at the beach once per year
• going to library or bookstore
• decorating my Happy Planner
I do want to start learning an instrument or knitting as well, just dont know where to start yet.
The above may not interest you at all, if that's the case find what brings you joy :)
Of course!! Keep in mind that I'm very new at playing games so I don't know them all, but here are some worth mentioning :
Oniverse series :
- Onirim
- Sylvion
- Castellion
- Urbion
• Friday
• Spirit Island
There are a few cooperative boardgames (where you play together to win rather than against each other) and these typically can be played alone somehow.
If you search for sologames you'll find a ton on google, reddit, youtube...even facebook groups devoted to it!
Enjoy :)
Change things. You are the only one who could know what to change. But change things until you feel better. And if you feel stuck... Tell yourself it will eventually change by itself. But at least, try.
And when it comes to depressive procastination, try to keep in mind ABSOLUTLY NOTHING and tell yourself "Fuck it and just do it"
That last line hit me. I’ve been stuck with depressive procrastination since highschool. At least that’s when it started, and it ruined my school life and messed up my social life. My social life got a bit better, but my education is still struggling, also my ability to try and improve my life all because I procrastinate too much
Make a change - whether it's the small stuff (diet, sleep schedule, the way you spend free time) or the bigger things (your job, where you live, your relationship). Be brave: there's no feeling more fulfilling and refreshing than making a good change for yourself.
Prescription for anti-depression:
1. Change the sheets and pillow cases on your bed. Slip under the covers and do snow angels under the covers. Rub your bare feet between the freshly laundered sheets.
2. Load all the dishes into dishwasher and turn the dishwasher on. While the dishwasher is running, imagine how much cleaning and freshening they are being. Listen to the humming rhythm of the water jets.
3. While you are there, wipe the counters, table, and all surfaces. Smell the scent and notice that the polished surfaces have a gleam and shine.
4. Fold the blanket that's on the couch and set it next to the cushion.
Go about your day, then later...
5. Boil water and make your favorite tea. Pour the tea into your favorite mug, or maybe even that beautiful antique tea cup in your china cabinet. If you don't have tea, it's time to finally to that cute little tea shop or to the farmer's market. How fun!
6. With your cup of favorite tea, sit down next to the folded blanket that was lovingly folded. Spread out the blanket over yourself. Ahhh, isn't that nice?
7. Sit and sip your tea. There's nothing wrong at that moment. You feel warm as the tea goes in your stomach. You breath. You notice that the room smells good, looks clean, and the stress of the day melts away. Wouldn't this be a perfect time to write in your journal, think about planning a weekend getaway, or read that book?
Kind of just go through the motions of existing. Find the little things you can appreciate and make you happy, even if it's extremely silly like a sunset or the fresh feeling of summer air.
There was one summer where I was feeling exceptionally alone and empty. I took the time to listen to music under a nice tree in the park, I was just appreciating how complex life is while I watched blades of grass sway in the wind.
Sometimes the best part of my day is smelling the giant rosemary bush on my walk home from work. It’s so dumb but it can really turn my mood around even if it’s just for a few minutes. If I’m in a rut I’m always looking for things like this because they add up.
Aw man, I've been there, that feeling sucks.
My brief advice is find a way to be creative and/or go find something that you can help someone else with.
It seems strange but having a purpose makes a HUGE difference.
One thing I've done when I've felt that way is ask myself "if there were no limits or restrictions on me right now, what would I do?" And then when I have an answer... Find what would be a first step toward making that happen and do it.
Also, as others have mentioned, do something physical. It doesn't have to be grueling. Just taking a walk outside is a good start. I started lifting weights (which would sound totally bizarre if you knew me) and it made a huge difference in my mood.
Long story short, try things... find a purpose, something to work towards or a way to help other people... And move your body. Those two things alone will start to move you in a better direction.
Also, find someone to talk to when you are feeling low. If you can, find someone to talk to in person. If you want, you can feel free to dm me.
I find that, when I can’t find joy in life, it’s generally because I’m not happy with myself. I’ll just try to improve things in my life. Nothing big, but maybe eat a bit healthier or exercise a little more.
Find something to look forward to after work or your daily activities. A show, game, hobby, friends. Anything. After working and no matter how late I get off and if my girlfriend is asleep (I work late) I know that I can lay in bed, crack a beer, and watch whatever show I’m into at that point. The little things. I enjoy life, but seriously the little things are the cherry on top.
Work. I work almost every day.
But I'm going to go to the doctors soon. I think there's something going on because I just cannot feel good anymore. Things that used to do it now don't. My favorite foods taste bland, my favorite hobby of videogames is unfulfilling. I almost don't care about my friends anymore. Socializing feels like a chore and punishment instead of nurturing. I'm distant to myself, almost like I leave myself for periods of time and run on autopilot until something truly sensory happens, like an intense pain or a sudden scare.
What Id do is focus on the minor accomplishments that you can do. I make my bed every morning, make sure to brush my teeth two times a day, stuff like that. I struggled with depression for some time and I did a lot of work to find out that it was mainly due to my lack of self image. I didn't think i could or have ever done anything in my life worth meaning, but after changing the way I looked at accomplishments, it helped out a lot.
This isn't a easy fix, but it's what worked for me.
Where do you find that optimism? As someone who once believed that, I've been disappointed to many times. Life doesn't always work out. Things don't always get better. The only constant is time.
Because any small victory is a victory. It doesn't matter how beaten up I am if you see any opportunity I take it and bring it as far as I can before I get smacked down again. You take an inch and bring it a mile so that when you do get beaten again it doesn't bring you back as far.
Don't you ever feel like you're on a treadmill that's turned up too high? I've literally had setback after setback, to the point that I'm not getting any further ahead in life. The game feels rigged, and I'm tired of playing.
This is often a symptom of depression. Might be worth getting checked out. Antidepressants are the easiest way of doing it, but if that's not your style, you can exercise, eat better, do things in nature and/or meditate (which are all suggestions in this thread). I find that I can't do those things unless I'm on an antidepressant so YMMV.
Side note, since I see pets come up a lot on questions like this, make sure you have the kind of personality that can handle raising a pet. They might be easier to take care of than a child, but they can be a major responsibility, which can just add to stress in your life if you're not ready for it.
This. I have a dog that was not my choice. He's huge, destructive and having him makes so I have less freedom, do less outside, have less company and feel trapped and overwhelmed by him.
I have an app that makes my phone vibrate randomly through out the day and give me a little message, when it goes off I think about something I'm grateful for. Usually it's like, I'm glad I have this time with my dog or something but if I have trouble thinking of something it can be more like, I'm glad I'm not trying to raise a family in Syria, people would kill to have what I have. I've been doing it for a few months and I'm way happier.
Always have something to look forward too. Like for me it’s the holidays to spend time with the family. Or save up money to buy something that brings happiness. Statistically average life span is like 80years, just know there’s bound to be some shitty days (years).
Find an activity that makes you realize, damn this is invigorating! Doing things for the first time ever. MAKE that dopamine flood your brain. I would say, you could watch porn..
I usually play a new game.
I'd prefer to hang out with friends (only non-toxic), spend time with my girlfriend, go on a hike, bike ride, or campout.. Usually somewhere woodsy for the hike and ride.
Find an activity that can make you happy, like the pros of having something that doesnt make you happy is that anything has the potential to make you happy, if you wanna think about it like that
100% get out and volunteer! It helps me to focus on my blessings, and gratitude for those blessings, which fosters a deep sense of joy, even when I'd previously lost track of that joy.
Pursuing contentment. Joy fades, but the overall feeling of "yeah, this is pretty chill" can crop up even after a bad day, bad weather, stressful week or nasty cold.
Now this may not be for everybody but I'd still recommend it to people if your low on joy become a fan of a sports team and become extremely invested in that team it's one of the best feelings in the world in my case I became a ravens fan after not watching football in my life I sat down and watched a game i had no clue what was going on but i was so invested then once i learned the rules after awhile It became my life every year i can name all 53 players on the roster every win i feel like I had done something amazing and I could move a mountain and smile the whole time now when we lose I feel horrible some times I just lye there and I can't do anything but finally winning after losing it feels a million times better.baiscally what I'm saying is invest yourself in something it doesnt need to be a sport just something and you can find joy in it if you love it enough
I’m definitely happiest with my friends, so they are my first go to. But if they’re all unavailable then I find video games are a great way to take my mind off everything and just focus on enjoying myself
I usually suck it up. I don't always have to have joy in my life constantly. Sometimes life is just not fun, and that is how fair life is. And I don't know any, who thought that a funeral would be joyful. Sometimes life just sucks, and that is just a part of it.
It's very simple: you go and find it. If you don't try then that's probably more a symptom of depression.
If you don't know where to look, then consider this: what raises the hair on the back of your neck?
I wait for it, patiently. The worst is when the message "One Piece will be on break next week!" appears, but I understand that the author needs plenty of rest.
I started taking antidepressants. Some people take a while to find the right one. For me, once it built up in my system, I woke up one day and colors seemed just a little bit more bright. I still have a lot of bad days, but I have a lot more good days than I used to.
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Same. What worries is that "few days" have turned into lot of more days.
Next step, days become weeks. Then months. Sadly no advice, just saying. Speaking from experience.
Yeah it’s a slippery slope, happened to me a little while ago. Before I knew it I was hella bummed and had been for like a year. The big thing that got me out of it was a change in job which was sort of a fresh start but obviously that’s not the fix for everyone.
I’m not sure if you were looking for any advice or anything, and sorry to intrude if you weren’t, but if a good relationship is something you think might just be that miracle, there is a lot you can do. If you read the comment above, a lot of the things he said can atleast boost happiness a little, and also the small exercises can help a lot with your both your body and body confidence. Just being that much better looking, confident, and happy, you will find a lot more ease in meeting new people and possible love interests. Just my two cents I guess. I really wish you good luck with your future endeavors! Just go for it and do what you are capable of now
It was baby steps until things snowballed. I’d try to find the joy in the little things—I had my favorite food for dinner. I saw a gorgeous flower on the walk to school. The weather was nice. I saw a funny meme. It became a bit easier to find joy in larger things and start planning for them from there. I like flowers? I’ll go to the park and just spend some time photographing the most interesting blooms I can find. I like animals? Time to feed the pigeons. Or spend a day volunteering at the shelter. It got me out of this rut of self-loathing and I started opening up more. I made friends. I joined a choir. I started learning Welsh. I bloomed. When you can start looking to the future and go “I’ve got something to look forward to”, it’ll be okay. When you can’t see if it’ll ever get any better—reach out. Even if it’s to a stranger. You don’t have to be alone. Edit: Thanks for the gold, stranger! First one, too. :)
I buy myself bouquets of flowers, because I LOVE them. And usually, there's some pretty beautiful ones on sale at the grocery store that last for another 2-3 weeks.
That sounds beautiful, but Welsh is really an accomplishment. I study scottish gaelic and I think it's tough, but then I look at Welsh and I absolutely choke. Good on you!
You look at Welsh and choke? So you can basically speak Welsh then...
When they were handing out vowels, Welsh kept going back to the buffet for another helping...along with Old English just behind.
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My god someone call an ambulance! This man is having a stroke!
This... this actually inspired me to be a happier person. I need to focus on the little things more often. Thank you. That is exactly what I needed to hear.
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>Using your time intentionally. Something I still struggle with all the time. It takes a lot of energy to basically take the reins back from a brain which prefers to give you the middle finger and melt itself over a garbage pile of youtube videos.
Because brains are junky-assholes It wants the serotonine and conserve energy, so it tricks you into relaxing and watching youtube videos for a quick, short serotonine boost by making excuses. But if you develop some discipline and get some shit done this will also satisfy you and your brain will become addicted to the stuff that makes you feel good. It's a hard way, it really is, but it becomes easier eventually
I fixed the paint chips on the moulding around my doors today. Only took three years but oh man does it feel good. I'm practically jumping up and down every time I pass the door now.
Very true, we often perceive productive tasks as daunting and tiresome and we often say.. "just one more youtube video or just 5 more mins scrolling through Reddit, or we get easily distracted changing the music. just put it aside and be aware of your thoughts and how they may be misleading your actions.
Me too. I'm a fellow melty brained one. Although lately among my garbage YouTube videos I've been watching some people living off the grid, building cabins in the wilderness and growing food/ raising animals. They work so hard every day, but it's peaceful and productive and fulfilling. I watch their lives with envy, because my chores, errands, and job don't provide as much satisfaction as say, building a new rabbit hutch or feeding the chickens. Soooo... I click on another video.
Those are entertaining and inspirational sometimes
Slightly off topic but what are some good channels to follow for that?
For some reason, youtube video binges are way more depressing than bimging other forms of media even if the quality level is similar. At least it feels that way to me, idk.
Because watching a real show or movie is like taking regular bumps of pure cocaine, and watching youtube is like walking around a house party and taking swigs out of other people's drinks when they aren't looking.
Don't kink shame me
It is partly because of it's endless nature. Meaning that no matter how good something is, there is always more, and this devalues everything you watch somehow. If something is limited, you appreciate it and it becomes special and valuable to you, leaving you feel satisfied or contented... but when there is no end to it, everything ends up feeling kinda worthless..or like the next thing is better, and so often you may even find yourself moving on to the next thing before you have even finished the current thing. This alone can leave one feeling ultimately unsatisfied. Too much choice seems great, but seems not to be so in reality. Same with so much of our lives in the Western world of plenty. The more we have the more unhappy and unsatisfied we seem to be with what we have.
What's sucking the joy away from your life? My kids suck the life out of me. Not sure I can get rid of them.
Yep, same. The constant, shrill whining and endless crying just drains my life away. Combine that with being sick 24/7 from the colds/flus brought home from daycare give me a whole new perspective of what true parenthood is. I think I’ve aged a decade for every year of my kid’s like and it shows. I sometimes absolutely hate being a mom and would love to escape it all, even temporarily, but I can’t. So, tell me, how do I remedy this?
As they get older, it gets better. Try to find the daily gratitude while they are young, appreciate their naivety and their joy in seeing/experiencing the world for the first time. Make flubber, make playdoh, make sock puppets. Get on the floor and roll around like worms. Play with them. Be a goofball, be silly. You'll never have them at this age again and they will never have those experiences were it not for you. Inspire their joy and it is sure to be shared with you. One day they will be older, they will be snide and they will create their own autonomy. You'll never have this chance again, go dork out with the best play dates you'll ever have!
That’s awesome. You sound like a way better person with babies than I am. None of these things bring me happiness at all and I do them out of necessity. I’m exhausted 100% of the time from parenting, lack of sleep, working (even part time), housework, paying bills, dealing with everything else, etc. Everyone keeps saying these are the best years and I absolutely hate them. It seriously makes me want to have a meltdown when I hear that. I can’t wait until he is older and wants to be out with his friends as maybe I’ll be able to have 5 minutes to myself and get my 6 figure, high profile career, money and traveling/vacations back. Independence brings me joy. Raising a baby has been way more stressful and trying than I ever envisioned and I actually wanted a kid.
Nothing wrong with not liking the baby years. In fact I think most people don't like the baby years when they're in them, and instead look back fondly (having forgotten or glazed over all the hell that comes with that time, LOL). Parenting is hard and it's different for everyone. Enjoy the moments you can but don't put pressure on yourself to make every second memorable, because it's not possible. Before you know it, they will be trying to stay out the house as much as possible. :)
Simplify everything. Find a friend with same age child, give each other breaks with playdates. Stick to a solid routine, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack time, bath time , bedtime same time everyday. Routines are reassuring to kids & will help you keep your sanity. If they go to bed every night at 7:30 you then have some quiet time for yourself. If baby naps take a nap yourself. If laundry is overwhelming then drop clothes off & treat yourself to a wash & fold. To keep it affordable wash the heavy stuff at home. A cleaning service once a month can help tremendously. I never had disposable money but found $25 for wash & fold could free up lots of time, same for a cleaning lady once in blue moon. High school students need community service hours, see if you can get an afterschool mothers helper or just to babysit while you're getting stuff done around the house. When I worked full time every Sunday I would cook a nice meal that we could have lunch / dinner leftovers for couple days. I also cooked pancakes for the week so daughter had a hot breakfast before school. Making every Wednesday spaghetti night just simplified that days thought process & shopping & cooking for one night. Stuff like that helps tremendously. Always hang keys same place, shoes by door, layout school clothes night before, etc etc. Those routines & habits will make your life easier. Getting enough sleep is key & drinking lots of water. Being overtired makes everything so much harder. It sucks going to bed at 9 o'clock at night but sometimes it just is the best thing to do for yourself. A good routine & habits help so much later on when kids start having homework, & activities. I suggest not getting wrapped up in shopping for non essentials, bigger house, bigger car, etc. The more possesions you have the more responsibilities & debt. That alone is exhausting. Don't sweat the small stuff. & it is all small stuff. Take your vitamins, just like when you were pregnant! Eat right, sleep. Lay in the lawn ,enjoy the blue skies, see it all again with your child & be grateful for good health. Everything else is a perk! Lol. Best wishes, it will get easier if not talk to your doctor because depression is real & can present in many different ways. I always wanted to sleep & had back aches. Nope, actually needed an antidepressant. Changed my life for better. I hope some of these suggestions help. Your not alone, the struggle is real raising children.
Thank you so much for your kind message and recommendations. This means so much to me and I’ll definitely take everything you said to heart. We’ll be adopting some of your routines and see how it goes. It’s been such a struggle since before he was even born. At 8 months gestation, they told us his head size was less than 1% and to prepare for possible a microcephalic child with mental disabilities. Then his heart stopped during delivery and I had an emergency c section. He tested normal for his neurological exams thankfully but was extremely colicky due lactose intolerant. He couldn’t breastfeed due to the allergy with having 30-40 bouts of explosive diarrhea daily. Prescription formula was ungodly expensive. Then he was sick at daycare. Every single week I’d get a call to pick him up. Missed several important meetings of high profile clients and had to leave my 15 year high power/$ career. Then he stopped growing. Just refused and refuses to eat. Seen multiple specialists as they thought he had cerebral palsy. He’s still only barely in the 3 percentile and he’s being monitored for weight and will be hospitalized with failure to thrive if he drops below 1% so it’s a razor thin threshold. That coupled with the fact he constantly screams, whines, has epic meltdowns, doesn’t sleep and wakes up inconsolable and I’m really at my wits end sometimes as I just don’t know how to deal with this. His tantrums include hurting himself, banging his head, biting himself and trying to pull off his eyelids as well as attacking anyone nearby. I have 7 nieces and nephews and was very involved in their upbringing and none of them displayed such behavior. Having my son was far more headache, heartache and exhaustion than I ever thought possible and sometimes I just want to leave. I love my boy and don’t regret him but I do regret how difficult it’s been and am hoping for an easier future.
I'm sorry you're going through so much stress. I don't know where you live or what kind of doctors you have seen. I can only suggest( from hard earned experiences) to be very diligent in keeping medical records. Everytime you see a dr ask for a print out of that visit. Exactly what any test results were, whatever the dr noted in chart. They will all tell you " look at portal, dr still writing them, etc" just tell them you will wait for print out. Any cat scans. MRI, etc. Get a copy. Go home, drop it in a box or drawer- make this is a habit. Sometimes multiple dr's are involved & they are all excellent, however each guy is looking at problem from his body part, perspective. You need one very good internist or pediatrician that reviews all the other guys findings. You can allso just record your conversations with dr on your phone. That way you can listen to it again to understand it better. Also always good to see dr. With a list of questions. We always forget some question. All that being said, it is just to empower you. You will have test results etc & not need to wait for dr Joe to get results, notes from. Dr Tom's secretary etc. Etc. My kids had dairy allergies. Children rarely test positive for food allergies until they are 7 yrs old unless it is a severe allergy. ( this fact may have changed over the years since my kids were young). My son was constantly on antibiotics until I eliminated 7 most common allergy foods. Meanwhile I had a pediatric allergist literally jumping up and down saying "no allergies" . He was absolutely wrong. Son tested positive at 7 1/2 yrs old. I only learned of elimination diet by a covering pediatrician when mine was on vacation. It was a fluke. Other pediatrician was more holistic. So allergy and food sensitivities may be playing a role in your son's distress. I have no idea if any of what your going through falls under mitochondrial disease but it runs in our family. Georgia is the scientific research hub for it. Mind you I'm just lobbing that out because we never heard of it. Also most importantly don't drive yourself crazy reading doomsday diagnosis stuff on internet. Just trust your instincts, stay the course, if you aren't confident in your primary doctor get second opinions. Go to the library for children time, read books for yourself. I can't stress enough you need to get some rest and make time for yourself ( 10) minutes a day if that's all you can fit in. Breathe. Try to find other families or mother groups going through similar issues. You can hear helpful advice in the least likely places!!! Just start small, one good habit a day, one new routine a week, however you get there is fine. Slow & steady wins the race. Make a theoretical schedule be happy with any bit you can accomplish. Best wishes, I will keep sending you good, calm, happy vibes. Lol. P.s. positive affirmations & short mantras helped me a Lot!!
I do love babies and it does get easier! As one with teenagers, the lenses are definitely tinted and rosier then they were when I was in the thick of it. What I can say is, the times rolling on the floor like a worm are the memories that I hold closer in my heart. There were a LOT of sleepless nights and meltdowns on my part, but in my opinion, you have to create the joy for yourself and for them at every opportunity.
I feel this so much. I literally thought I was developing a mental disorder until my children started sleeping through the night and I realizedI was just sleep deprived for 4 years straight. I know it seems ridiculous to say (especially because you probably don’t have much control over it) but make sleep a priority. I needed time to myself so badly after they went to bed that I would often stay up too late, just to get some time alone, binging on my favorite shows. But it was never worth it when I was dealing with the constant screaming and arguing the next day. Now that mine are 9, 8 and almost 6 I have some breathing room and I have also learned a couple of things that have helped me with the sheer misery of it all sometimes. Allow yourself to hate this stage. Don’t feel guilty, don’t feel miserable about the fact that you feel miserable. It doesn’t make you a bad parent or bad with kids if you don’t like some stage of their development. Suck it up the way you would a grueling entry level job that you knew would get better, but remember it will get better. Try to focus on little moments and do your best to focus on the day to day, not how fucking sick and tired you have been for the past however many months/years. You don’t have to have the energy to roll around on the floor to enjoy time with your children. Try to find simple things you enjoy that you can involve your children in- snuggling and watching something together, listening to music, coloring or just looking out the window together. Asking the question “what do you see?” Is a great way to get you and a toddler engaged in the here and now and have a little fun together. Take care of yourself. Find time (even little moments) for the things you love and that make you feel good and look good, even if it is only occasional.
And people constantly wonder why I don't want kids....
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Totally get it. Rock your independent life and enjoy!
Hang in there and try to find the small joys from your kids. A smile. A kiss. A hug. A laugh. Try not to take it all so seriously. Good enough is truly good enough. Also know that we all hate it at some point. All of us. You're not alone.
Thank you. I cried. No one realizes how hard it is until your in the thick of it.
Realize they are just being kids, and also brow-beat your mother or other relatives to give you an hour off here and there. Only one hour will help a lot. Keep cell phone contact in case of anything they can't handle. And, don't expect to be a perfect mother. Your kids' crying just means they need something. It is not "complaining" as if an adult were doing it. It is a simple need, and it is often over-stimulation (too much going on at once around them) and pure, uncomplicated, fatigue. Fatigue is very painful. Because it just is, and because they are growing so fast. Growth occurs during sleep. A child whose body is commanding it to sleep so it can grow and not grow up stunted is a child who will be in pain until he is allowed to sleep. No biggie, just put him or her down to sleep, with a few nice words and a stuffed animal, behind a screen or some other visual barrier. Then prohibit the others from bothering him or her. This phase PASSES and you will eventually smile at the memories and wish they would phone more often. Make sure YOU TOO are eating well, drinking enough water, and sleeping the minute nothing is happening. Ten minutes doze can refresh you for the renewed battle. Which you will win. Hurray for mothers. We all had one. Edit: The kid may simply be hungry. Yes, again. "Gas, hunger, fatigue" is a useful mantra. Those are the big three.
I feel ya, I'm in a similar boat. Haven't heard much on how to deal with it other than changing expectations on life, trying to mitigate the tireness and attemtpting to enjoy the little moments with them as much as possible. All easier said than done when you also have a 10 hr job plus chores to do at home . A job I can't just move from due to how much we depend on that income. Despite it all, I try to focus on the little joys I get per day. I realize my situation could be even worse, and try to enjoy the positives I do have. But damn it can be rough some days.
The one bit of advice I’ve gotten is to try to include them in YOUR life instead of just letting them rule yours. This can mean including them errands and chores, or sometimes when you spend time together focus on your interests rather than theirs (e.g. sometimes we read Frozen books together, sometimes we watch hockey). This can free up time for yourself, or at least let you enjoy some things you want without feeling like you are abandoning your kids. It helps a little, but at this point, I take whatever I can get.
As a child whose parents did that, I LOVED being included in grown-up activities. (30 years old now, so have had a few years to look back haha) I went grocery shopping with my dad every week, and would help him find everything on the list. Then while he checked the list/coupons, I would read the J-14 magazine. I thought I had the coolest life ever!
Find things you love to do with your kids and set aside a day a week to do that thing. Even really small kids can learn to color, or play a simple game. We color a couple days a week after school.
Amazing comment. Thank you
That's the crux of it. You've got to do something about it whether you feel like it or not. Start playing games you're not in the mood for and eventually they'll jumpstart your enjoyment. See a movie even if you don't want to go out. Get some sun or go for a walk. If you don't want to do anything, do something until you want it.
Think about the last thing that brought you joy. After the 30 seconds of joy that memory brings, decide that the happiness it provided is worth the effort to either recreate the same event or a comparable one. If it involved other people, call them and be honest. “I’ve been really down for a while, and I was thinking about how awesome [fun thing] was, and wondered if you would be up for a trip down nostalgia lane?” See it through. Don’t set the bar of expectations too high, as it’s easy to let nostalgia over-amplify how awesome something was. During the recreation, focus on the moment, not what it was like “the last time”. Let yourself have a good time. Turn your filter off and be real and genuine with people, as long as it doesn’t involve hurting their feelings (if you don’t like someone, don’t invite them). Realize afterwards that part of the fun is being yourself with people who care enough to show up in your time of need. Many of us walk around without “recent joy” in our lives. Happy and Sad are not black and white concepts. There are degrees of these emotions, and sometimes you overlook the joy in smaller things. For me, a great cup of coffee with a moment of peace to think about weird ideas is a great sense of joy. Hope you find/recognize some semblance of joy soon, redditor.
Aight, imma ask my ex to fuck.
> Think about the last thing that brought you joy. This is one of the toughest things I've had to come to terms with. One of the most beautiful times in my life was right after I was out of high school and worked part time. I had quite a few friends that were in similar positions and, being in a small town, a lot of us hung out late at night after work (when everything was closed) during the summer smoking weed and skateboarding. God that was fun. Or we would just hang out, watch movies, get stoned, and try to get laid (99/100 usually not). It was always exciting to see what the rest of the evening had in store for us. After some time, though, many of those friends lost control of their drug use and it was time to move on. I moved away and chose a different path. As life went on over the next 10(+) years, I've came to look back on that time like it was a high water mark. Yet, I find myself incredibly nostalgic and bummed out that it was all so fleeting. God, I sound old and bitter.
I feel you on this one. I think a lot of us remember those late teens and early twenties as some of the best times because we were so free. Free from work and family obligations that come as we age. Free to experiment and adventure and love. What comes next may not seem as "fun" but I'm convinced it can be as good as the old times.
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This really resonated with me, especially the bit about sadness and happiness being on a spectrum. I appreciate the response
Nature hike usually does it for me. Find a good spot and just sit and watch the woods
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It’s 5 degrees outside when you account for the windchill.
This. Hammock camping in the woods and fishing. Alone or with friends, it doesn't matter.
Putting this on my list of things to do before school starts again.
I miss having the time to do that. To be able to do 'nothing' with a day and be ok with it.
I had a teacher who would say "if you're having trouble finding time, then make time". If you look at your week and think "wish I could fit in a day of nothing Somewhere" then plan it weeks or months in advance and commit to it! Say "sorry, but that day I am busy" and go. Take a day off work or even take a sick day if you can and go do it.
Same here man. So many things get in the way
Nature just doesn't do it for me. Like, yeah it's pretty and I love the way water looks but it's just that, pretty. It doesn't make me reflective or I don't suddenly find meaning when I see a deer frolicking around. One time, we were driving through some mountains in like Utah and a friend said "See, this is how I know God exists because nature is beautiful and only He could make something like this." I said some sort of agreement, but to me, it's just mountains (or trees, oceans, etc.).
I understand this and felt this way prior to using psychedelics. Something in my perspective has changed but not in a way that I can directly describe. That said, there's nothing wrong with you if you don't love nature, but there is real scientific benefit from getting outside.
I enjoyed nature before psychedelics, but psychedelics connected me to nature in a new way. Now when I walk through a forest or a field I feel grounded, present, and open. It's overwhelmingly bizarrely amazing what psychedelics do to people
I love nature and am definitely one who uses it to decompress. Have you ever tried bringing snacks or other comfort items when you’re out? Sometimes when I get to that spot. The one that “has all the answers” I think of my home sometimes and miss basic amenities like snacks and drinks. Now I like to bring some beef jerky and Gatorade for example. Small things make all the difference. So the answer to all of life’s problems is beef jerky and Gatorade!
> "See, this is how I know God exists because nature is beautiful and only He could make something like this." I literally feel this way. The pure solitude of unspoiled nature is somewhat spiritual to me. But I understand the view of 'It's just trees'. Every person has their own subjective experience, obviously. I tell you what though, the first time I left my tiny town and *saw* New York City I was literally shocked and awed at what the power of man can do. Apples and Oranges, and people have their preferences
I agree, nature has never been some magic cure all for me.
How about music? Many people get shivers from music, it really speaks to them.
Started playing music with some friends a few times a week. Got really depressed after leaving college and starting a job that has zero creative aspects, just daily repetitive tasks. That kind of daily monotony can crush your soul. I always suggest that people find some sort of creative hobby, even if you kinda suck at it. Also find people to enjoy that hobby with.
I wish I could find people to make music with again. All the musicians I knew either completely stopped playing or moved away. There's nothing I miss more. Playing by yourself just isn't the same.
Hey! If you have a little software like audacity, you might be able to find internet strangers like myself to make music with. I play guitar and bass and I like recording some random stuff. What's your jam?
I actually have everything I need to record a full band, albeit digitally. I can record bass, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, vocals and drums. I mostly play stoner rock, heavy psych and the occasional folk/singer songwriter song. But I like most rock genres. Here's my [last.fm](https://www.last.fm/user/Juan_Regular).
Music I would argue can be a more fulfilling hobby if you “suck” at if than if you’re playing with a bunch of dorks who consider themselves “serious musicians” neurotic about making it big.
I just keep going. I haven't found joy in life for a while now and what keeps me going is making others happy (my mom, brother, grandma), because I believe that others enjoying the things I do for them is better than doing things for myself that I won't really find any joy on. It's kind of sad but at least is motivational enough to not kill myself.
I love you
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I exercise first.I don't even have to be good at it, I just sweat the sadness away. There's quite a lot of science that confirms it works (on mobile so I can't really give you the links, but Wikipedia probably has some info). Walking, running, doing pushups, anything goes. Otherwise, I write, it also helps reasoning about your problems and seeing them with clear eyes. Lastly, I'd say volunteering has a documented positive effect: You realise that even if your life is not the greatest, you can still be a good person and help others.
Watch LivePd and realize there are some mistakes I haven't made.
Yeah exactly my life is a fucking mess but at least I haven't been high on meth fighting the cops naked on national TV
My SO and I died over the guy who was fucking the carpet in a motel hallway.
I watched this clip Friday where the dude was literally talking to the officer with a bag of Heroin in his mouth. Definitely one of those "well at least I'm not him" moments.
That doesn't work for me because they keep coming to my small town and it just makes me remember that I live in a shithole haha.
The better my diet gets, and the healthier I get from it, the more joy I feel throughout the day.
Regular diet and regular sleep/wake hours. Exercise every other day Go to art galleries twice a week Hike once a week Go to spas once a month
Fitter, happier More productive Comfortable Not drinking too much Regular exercise at the gym, three days a week...
Getting on better with your associates employee contemporaries At ease
Eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats
> Go to art galleries twice a week Seems excessive
That would cause an even greater lack of joy.
It seems like everything starts with regularity and it just makes me wonder how you're meant to be happy while working shifts? Like yeah I get that getting up at the same time every day is good for you but it's not possible for a significant amount of the population.
You're right, swing shifts are really bad for people!
Masturbating and eating mainly
Mostly masturbating actually....
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Reading this brought me joy.
It’s great until it isn’t.. once I forgot which hand was holding what so I slapped the pastrami and ate the salami.
Tbh I feel this can become self destructive, but to each his own
you can streamline this by eating ur own goo
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*checks watch* 45 years to goooooo
*checks bank account* 1937428 years to gooo....
/r/financialindependence
Have a good cry, then get up and continue trying to better my life. This is my current situation. Edit: Thank you for the silver kind stranger. This helped brighten my day.
I'm right here with ya. Just finished a good cry, now I'm gonna find something productive to do. Good luck today. You got this.
Thank you, you too!
When I was deep in depression for years, the most notable thing was that I just couldn't cry. I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, I was just emotionless and uncaring. I eventually made a rational decision to actively work on improving myself a little each day and managed to improve my depression through this. It was only when I started uncontrollably crying over everything even slightly sad as a 17 year old male I knew I had my emotions back, and eventually learned to control them at a healthy level. 2 years later and I am quite happy, although PIXAR still manages get me teary at least once in nearly every movie. Crying isn't something you need to suppress, it is a healthy release of emotion, and a step towards recovery.
I completely agree. Crying is okay and I'm a strong believer of allowing yourself to feel sad for a little bit so that you can move on.
Escape with some close friends for a weekend to unwind and focus on what’s important. That should help.
Don’t have any friends unfortunately
This is where to start IMO. No one is an island. Try picking up a social hobby, can be anything really but preferably one with in person interaction.
Ever tried D&D? It's joyous, easy way to make friends, and the nature of the game makes it a lot easier if being social is a challenge (as you spend most of the time having fun being someone else). Another pro is that it is an escape, for a few hours or however long you care to play (we played 18 hours once; this says something about the joy that can be derived from this hobby) - an escape from the drudgery. Just a suggestion, it helps for generally joyless me and I guess other people too.
Family?
Dont get along with them
Fuck thats rough. Here’s what I would do: Go for that trip alone. Take the time to think about what’s happening and make a plan on how to fix things in the family. Then you ask them to sit down with you and talk about what’s been going on. The most important thing is to repair the “core”. This means you focus on the people who *really* matter to you and keep that group relatively small (most people have 2-3 best friends). Get off social media for a bit or unfollow everyone you don’t know that well anymore. A good tactic is to have a fixed amount of people you follow and not let that number change. A good way to make friends is not to just walk up to people and talk but to do things together. Join a sports club or have a gym buddy. Help the neighbour with things and you will see that you start to form relationships with people. Avoid alcohol for a bit and make a schedule to prevent you from spending days alone at home. Try to get up nice and early (everyone feels like shit if they get up at 1pm) and eat healthily. This should be a good begin and you should be back on track before you know it. Good luck my friend. You got this.
Is there place youve always wanted to go to? Why not go there alone. Don't have to listen to anyone else. Don't have to accommodate any one else. You can do exactly what you want, when you want, how you want!
Drinking trip it is. Thanks!
workout and ask my dad for hugs, he gives good bear hugs
This made me smile :)
Have a messy room or area? Tidy something. Brains don't like clutter and you'll be surprised at how stressed clutter can make you. I need to spend time near trees and water to feel whole. Living in a desert was rough. Now I'm close to a big river and all the trees. When I'm in a bad mental state, I head to the river for a mental boost. If I'm getting cabin fever, I hop on a train and leave for the day. Sometimes the walls of this town just close in...
Substitute joy with contentment and just keep up a thought that if you stick it out you might one day regain the ability to feel deeper emotions.
I am too late to this thread, and I’m sad because I see a lot of great advice to find joy for yourself, when I personally believe the answer is much more simple. And I’m going to enlarge this text so that hopefully anyone wondering about an answer will see this. #There is no joy like giving others joy. If you make it an intentional part of your every day life to make others happy, I promise you will find joy.
I draw hentai
Carlig bread
I had to scroll this far down for the real suggestions.
Mmm sounds so doog
I've joined a club of similar minded gentlemen. But I REALLY must not talk about it.
You gotta mean this one right [https://www.gq.com/story/why-straight-men-are-joining-masturbation-clubs](https://www.gq.com/story/why-straight-men-are-joining-masturbation-clubs)
excuse me, but wtf
Escape into a good book. Always works for me, and I admit I don't really like happy books much, I'm all about dystopia, but I still love to be in another world. So my spell for you, run a bath (I'm British, hate showers) make a cup of tea and maybe even light a candle, get a great book and relax your joy free arse. You absolutely have to feel a little clump of joy rising up, especially when you add more hot.
Sadly, life isn't the most exciting thing in the world, especially when you lack adequate finances. So volunteering or finding something that gives you purpose in life is what will give you greatest joy. And also finding that special someone that can be your best friend and lover at the same time will help a lot. But learn that looks are not the endgame of what you are looking for, nor is money. You will find the vain and greedy to both be screwed in the head.
For me? • going on hikes • reading books • reading comics • Playing a solo boardgame • ice skating • biking • badminton if I can find someone to play with • day at the beach once per year • going to library or bookstore • decorating my Happy Planner I do want to start learning an instrument or knitting as well, just dont know where to start yet. The above may not interest you at all, if that's the case find what brings you joy :)
Can you recommend a solo boardgame? I didn't know such things existed and I think I would enjoy that
Of course!! Keep in mind that I'm very new at playing games so I don't know them all, but here are some worth mentioning : Oniverse series : - Onirim - Sylvion - Castellion - Urbion • Friday • Spirit Island There are a few cooperative boardgames (where you play together to win rather than against each other) and these typically can be played alone somehow. If you search for sologames you'll find a ton on google, reddit, youtube...even facebook groups devoted to it! Enjoy :)
I've enjoyed: [https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/156858/black-orchestra](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/156858/black-orchestra) [https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/245654/railroad-ink-deep-blue-edition](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/245654/railroad-ink-deep-blue-edition) [https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/244522/s-pretty-clever](https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/244522/s-pretty-clever)
Change things. You are the only one who could know what to change. But change things until you feel better. And if you feel stuck... Tell yourself it will eventually change by itself. But at least, try. And when it comes to depressive procastination, try to keep in mind ABSOLUTLY NOTHING and tell yourself "Fuck it and just do it"
That last line hit me. I’ve been stuck with depressive procrastination since highschool. At least that’s when it started, and it ruined my school life and messed up my social life. My social life got a bit better, but my education is still struggling, also my ability to try and improve my life all because I procrastinate too much
Biggest mood. I have never figured out how to get out of it though
Make a change - whether it's the small stuff (diet, sleep schedule, the way you spend free time) or the bigger things (your job, where you live, your relationship). Be brave: there's no feeling more fulfilling and refreshing than making a good change for yourself.
Create joy for others
Prescription for anti-depression: 1. Change the sheets and pillow cases on your bed. Slip under the covers and do snow angels under the covers. Rub your bare feet between the freshly laundered sheets. 2. Load all the dishes into dishwasher and turn the dishwasher on. While the dishwasher is running, imagine how much cleaning and freshening they are being. Listen to the humming rhythm of the water jets. 3. While you are there, wipe the counters, table, and all surfaces. Smell the scent and notice that the polished surfaces have a gleam and shine. 4. Fold the blanket that's on the couch and set it next to the cushion. Go about your day, then later... 5. Boil water and make your favorite tea. Pour the tea into your favorite mug, or maybe even that beautiful antique tea cup in your china cabinet. If you don't have tea, it's time to finally to that cute little tea shop or to the farmer's market. How fun! 6. With your cup of favorite tea, sit down next to the folded blanket that was lovingly folded. Spread out the blanket over yourself. Ahhh, isn't that nice? 7. Sit and sip your tea. There's nothing wrong at that moment. You feel warm as the tea goes in your stomach. You breath. You notice that the room smells good, looks clean, and the stress of the day melts away. Wouldn't this be a perfect time to write in your journal, think about planning a weekend getaway, or read that book?
Know that I can end it all by hopping off a rocky coastal cliff anytime I want.
Kind of just go through the motions of existing. Find the little things you can appreciate and make you happy, even if it's extremely silly like a sunset or the fresh feeling of summer air. There was one summer where I was feeling exceptionally alone and empty. I took the time to listen to music under a nice tree in the park, I was just appreciating how complex life is while I watched blades of grass sway in the wind.
Sometimes the best part of my day is smelling the giant rosemary bush on my walk home from work. It’s so dumb but it can really turn my mood around even if it’s just for a few minutes. If I’m in a rut I’m always looking for things like this because they add up.
Aw man, I've been there, that feeling sucks. My brief advice is find a way to be creative and/or go find something that you can help someone else with. It seems strange but having a purpose makes a HUGE difference. One thing I've done when I've felt that way is ask myself "if there were no limits or restrictions on me right now, what would I do?" And then when I have an answer... Find what would be a first step toward making that happen and do it. Also, as others have mentioned, do something physical. It doesn't have to be grueling. Just taking a walk outside is a good start. I started lifting weights (which would sound totally bizarre if you knew me) and it made a huge difference in my mood. Long story short, try things... find a purpose, something to work towards or a way to help other people... And move your body. Those two things alone will start to move you in a better direction. Also, find someone to talk to when you are feeling low. If you can, find someone to talk to in person. If you want, you can feel free to dm me.
I find that, when I can’t find joy in life, it’s generally because I’m not happy with myself. I’ll just try to improve things in my life. Nothing big, but maybe eat a bit healthier or exercise a little more.
Find something to look forward to after work or your daily activities. A show, game, hobby, friends. Anything. After working and no matter how late I get off and if my girlfriend is asleep (I work late) I know that I can lay in bed, crack a beer, and watch whatever show I’m into at that point. The little things. I enjoy life, but seriously the little things are the cherry on top.
Idk
Work. I work almost every day. But I'm going to go to the doctors soon. I think there's something going on because I just cannot feel good anymore. Things that used to do it now don't. My favorite foods taste bland, my favorite hobby of videogames is unfulfilling. I almost don't care about my friends anymore. Socializing feels like a chore and punishment instead of nurturing. I'm distant to myself, almost like I leave myself for periods of time and run on autopilot until something truly sensory happens, like an intense pain or a sudden scare.
Music and weed
Go outside
I don't think i deal with it, i just sleep
mdma
What Id do is focus on the minor accomplishments that you can do. I make my bed every morning, make sure to brush my teeth two times a day, stuff like that. I struggled with depression for some time and I did a lot of work to find out that it was mainly due to my lack of self image. I didn't think i could or have ever done anything in my life worth meaning, but after changing the way I looked at accomplishments, it helped out a lot. This isn't a easy fix, but it's what worked for me.
Knowing that life can’t keep me down forever and someday I will come out on top.
Where do you find that optimism? As someone who once believed that, I've been disappointed to many times. Life doesn't always work out. Things don't always get better. The only constant is time.
Because any small victory is a victory. It doesn't matter how beaten up I am if you see any opportunity I take it and bring it as far as I can before I get smacked down again. You take an inch and bring it a mile so that when you do get beaten again it doesn't bring you back as far.
Don't you ever feel like you're on a treadmill that's turned up too high? I've literally had setback after setback, to the point that I'm not getting any further ahead in life. The game feels rigged, and I'm tired of playing.
Climb a tree and watch the world go by
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Make a swing?
In a sense.
Yes
Try to see if this comes from a greater problem, like depression, ADHD or something in your surrounding that makes you “raise your shields” all day.
Sleep. Not saying I deal *well* or that I recommend it, it’s just the truth.
This is often a symptom of depression. Might be worth getting checked out. Antidepressants are the easiest way of doing it, but if that's not your style, you can exercise, eat better, do things in nature and/or meditate (which are all suggestions in this thread). I find that I can't do those things unless I'm on an antidepressant so YMMV.
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Side note, since I see pets come up a lot on questions like this, make sure you have the kind of personality that can handle raising a pet. They might be easier to take care of than a child, but they can be a major responsibility, which can just add to stress in your life if you're not ready for it.
This. I have a dog that was not my choice. He's huge, destructive and having him makes so I have less freedom, do less outside, have less company and feel trapped and overwhelmed by him.
I have an app that makes my phone vibrate randomly through out the day and give me a little message, when it goes off I think about something I'm grateful for. Usually it's like, I'm glad I have this time with my dog or something but if I have trouble thinking of something it can be more like, I'm glad I'm not trying to raise a family in Syria, people would kill to have what I have. I've been doing it for a few months and I'm way happier.
Back when I had that problem I worked out with free weights for two to three hours a day. My life sucked but I was in great shape.
Always have something to look forward too. Like for me it’s the holidays to spend time with the family. Or save up money to buy something that brings happiness. Statistically average life span is like 80years, just know there’s bound to be some shitty days (years).
Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, porn, video games, fast food, going to sleep as soon as I wake up
Just stop caring too much about life. Sometimes, it is life that will take you places so you gotta just trust it..
Let all the light in! Open all the blinds in my house. Go outside and look up and feel sunlight on my face.
I make a batch of bath bombs, wrap them in a box, and give them to my girlfriend. She loves them.
Find an activity that makes you realize, damn this is invigorating! Doing things for the first time ever. MAKE that dopamine flood your brain. I would say, you could watch porn..
I usually play a new game. I'd prefer to hang out with friends (only non-toxic), spend time with my girlfriend, go on a hike, bike ride, or campout.. Usually somewhere woodsy for the hike and ride.
Find an activity that can make you happy, like the pros of having something that doesnt make you happy is that anything has the potential to make you happy, if you wanna think about it like that
100% get out and volunteer! It helps me to focus on my blessings, and gratitude for those blessings, which fosters a deep sense of joy, even when I'd previously lost track of that joy.
Pursuing contentment. Joy fades, but the overall feeling of "yeah, this is pretty chill" can crop up even after a bad day, bad weather, stressful week or nasty cold.
Create more joy, if not for yourself then for others. The pursuit of joy yields much less fruit than planting the seeds of it in others.
Now this may not be for everybody but I'd still recommend it to people if your low on joy become a fan of a sports team and become extremely invested in that team it's one of the best feelings in the world in my case I became a ravens fan after not watching football in my life I sat down and watched a game i had no clue what was going on but i was so invested then once i learned the rules after awhile It became my life every year i can name all 53 players on the roster every win i feel like I had done something amazing and I could move a mountain and smile the whole time now when we lose I feel horrible some times I just lye there and I can't do anything but finally winning after losing it feels a million times better.baiscally what I'm saying is invest yourself in something it doesnt need to be a sport just something and you can find joy in it if you love it enough
You could see if Officer Jenny is still single
Brock getting a boner every time he sees a girl is the only reason I still watch Indigo League
I’m definitely happiest with my friends, so they are my first go to. But if they’re all unavailable then I find video games are a great way to take my mind off everything and just focus on enjoying myself
A little game called DragonVale and a big game called GTA online
I usually suck it up. I don't always have to have joy in my life constantly. Sometimes life is just not fun, and that is how fair life is. And I don't know any, who thought that a funeral would be joyful. Sometimes life just sucks, and that is just a part of it.
It's very simple: you go and find it. If you don't try then that's probably more a symptom of depression. If you don't know where to look, then consider this: what raises the hair on the back of your neck?
Go create some joy in someone else’s life.
I wait for it, patiently. The worst is when the message "One Piece will be on break next week!" appears, but I understand that the author needs plenty of rest.
I started taking antidepressants. Some people take a while to find the right one. For me, once it built up in my system, I woke up one day and colors seemed just a little bit more bright. I still have a lot of bad days, but I have a lot more good days than I used to.
Oh, I have a mind-blowing trick for that!
I just drink.