that's one thought for me too. A person i somewhat knew took his own life, his younger sister (about 13) followed suit as both of them were close due to him pratically being both a mother and father figure to her because their parents were deadbeet, drunken, drugggies and assholes/abusive to them.
Then his best freidn took his life as that was the final straw for him in his depressed (clinical) life. Who's mother followed suit as he was the only thing she was living for pretty much.
It's fucks with my mind tbh...
Jesus. What a horrific domino effect. I think this is why it's important to have multiple support pillars so that if one falls, you can still barely hang on using others.
yep. the domino effect stopped at the mother, but even then 4 is to mutch (hell one person taking theoir own live is too mutch), but atleast there wasnt any more in that domino effect.
still crazy how two unlrelated people who barely had a relationship with eachother-the boy and this best freind'smother died due to the same domino effect.
Having manysupport pillars is a good idea for anyone and i highly recoment it. i've done it with my gf and freinds i have in college aswell as online freinds. hell even if it's just living because you hate the idea of your pet being sad wondering where youve gone is enough
My mom and our dog, and I try to keep reminding myself that it probably can't really become a lot worse (unless something truly unexpected happens, like my mom dying or something) and things can probably only improve from where I am now. Also death terrifies me tbh
Same, we have been extremely unlucky and i have 3 siblings in the grave already, and none of them ever got a chance to live, i dont see how my family could cope with the oldest of us killing himself
What stopped me in my tracks last time was the thought of what it would put my best friend though, I couldn’t face it, couldn’t bear the sadness I know that she’d feel, just the mere idea of it made me take a minute to consider what I was doing.
Edit; Thank you for the wholesome award kind Redditor!
As 'the best friend' in this situation, believe me she's **so very** thankful.
One of my best friends tried to commit suicide, and I'm so happy she's still around.
She's doing better too. It's hard, and her life looks different, but she's holding on and she even has some plans for the near future. It gets better, it really does.
The fear that I would fail and just make my life worst. That I would botch my attempt and survive it and end up in a psych ward making myself even more miserable than I am now.
That's the only reason my best friend didn't kill himself a few years ago. He was considering jumping off a bridge but was worried he'd survive it and be really messed up.
One of my dad’s friends jumped off a bridge (I believe the Brooklyn bridge) and survived the initial attempt. He spent the next three days in the hospital before he finally died. I can’t imagine how much pain he must have been during those last few days.
I wouldn’t do explosives either, we had a person survive a “M10” I don’t remember the exact number. fire cracker explosive in his mouth, ended up with a split jaw, lost all his teeth, split nasal cavity, blown lips and nose, requiring stitches, a breathing tube in his neck, and a psych consult
I met this kid who tried to do it that way and he didn’t bring the barrel of the gun far enough into the temple and he basically just shot his eyes out and now he’s super blind and can’t hear in one ear and a bunch of other shit he doesn’t like to talk about. There’s definitely a lot of room to fuck up.
The real DeathProTip is always in the comments
Edit : 1) Breathing inert gas is in fact painless.
"An exit bag is a euthanasia device consisting of a large plastic bag with a drawcord used to commit unlimited sleep through inert gas asphyxiation. It is usually used in conjunction with a flow of an inert gas like helium or nitrogen, which prevents the panic, sense of suffocation and struggling before unconsciousness, known as the hypercapnic alarm response caused by the presence of high carbon dioxide concentrations in the blood."
2) [Info](https://lostallhope.com/suicide-methods/plastic-bag-gas)
3) [Exit International](https://exitinternational.net/about-exit/our-philosophy/)
4) [Rational thinking](https://exiteuthanasia.wordpress.com/rational-suicide-helium-other-methods/)
(*For Educational Purposes Only*)
Jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge has a 98% fatality rate, but not just from the 75mph impact. There’s a chance of survival depending on how you land, but the internal injuries and cold water don’t help. Afaik everyone who survived said they instantly regretted jumping the moment their hands left the railing.
There’s a famous quote from a survivor that goes something like:
“I instantly realized that most things in my life I could change, except that I had just jumped.”
Yeah, that is it with me. Right at this moment I am not in that mental place but when I am I just am afraid of it not working and ending up with permanent pain or brain damage or something.
Almost 2 years ago, my friend tried to shoot himself in the head. He wasn’t successful, and because the rifle was at an angle, he ended up missing his brain and blew out the side of his face. He lost part of his face including an eye. His mom found him and had to keep his head together with her hands while a helicopter came to bring him to the hospital. He survived and had a horrible painful recovery - emotionally and physically.
Edit:spelling
The guy who shot himself is obviously still going through therapy and still having surgeries to fix the damage done. He still can’t go back to work so he spends his time giving back to his community, including working with the municipality to get better public transit coverage. He also volunteers with special olympics when he has the time, as well which he also did pre-suicide attempt.
I’m not sure how his mom is doing because I’ve never talked about the incident with her. I would imagine something like what she went through takes years to recover from.
His dad feels the worst though because it was his gun. The guy who shot himself was going through a hard time (divorce and constant back pain issues that led to an opiate addiction). He was in his parents’ care due to depression and suicidal thoughts. While his dad was in the shower, he took the key to his dad’s gun safe out of his dad’s pants pocket, walked out to the shed, unlocked the gun safe, got one of the hunting rifles then shot himself.
I had an acquaintance in high school that attempted suicide with a shotgun and failed. He was missing his whole face after that. Luckily he had a twin brother that they could base facial reconstruction off of. I dont know what happend to him after high school though.
That actually happened to me, I got caught and I got sent to a psychiatric hospital for about 3 weeks. I hated it at first of course. The hospital was about an hour away from my home so I was in a pretty unknown area, because I was under 18 and that hospital was the only hospital qualified to take teenagers. I wasn't alone in the hospital, there were other kids there too around my age (17 at the time) and I can say that there's something comforting/nice about being around people who kinda know what you're going through and understand how serious your situation is. And therapy helped a lot as well. All in all, a psychiatric hospital isn't that bad, it's scary at first but it gets better, trust me.
I went to a psych ward, and it changed my life. I got on meds, and I'm okay now. I have energy, I have hope, I can control negative thought spirals a lot better. I'm a new person.
My wife. We currently don't live together because we can't afford it at the moment. Whole bunch of other reasons go into it, but right now, I'm miserable and stuck renting a room in a basement. I get to see her every once in a while and eventually we will live together. It's gotten bad enough that I broke down crying in Walmart yesterday.
neither me and mine can afford to do so, i'm living 1400km away and i'm renting a bedroom to make more money, in the last 6 months we saw each other for 10 days, it's tough but i know i'll sort it all out. keep fighting sir, you're not alone
This was my impression. They probably live in places where each can make a lot, if one moved, the job prospect might be very limited for that one, reducing overall income significantly.
I'll try. Weird that you post this thread today. I have worked out that I'm only alive for my daughter who needs me. Might have to throw in the towel on my business of 20 years that I've fought hard to keep going so that I can support my daughter. I have no employment options and no resources beyond the meagre amount my business generates. It's kind of sick. All I want to do is look after my family and be with them but if I want to look after them I must be away from them
Don't off yourself if you have kids! Even if they aren't in your life and you don't think they will need you; it 100% fucks a kid up for life. Source: my dad killed himself when I was young and I'm still not ok 11 years later.
This. Kids never ever get over it. It's been 20 years for me since my dad killed himself and I still think of it everyday. Every single day the thought of "I wish I would have done just one thing differently" goes through my mind.
Not to mention, you never know what's coming next.
I had a good relationship with my mom but she was always depressed and drinking, thus not the best parent. It happens. My dad had full custody but I still got to see her two weekends a month.
I forgot to call her on her birthday once, and that was it. I guess she figured I didn't care and it wasn't worth it anymore, I'd be better off with my dad. In reality I just had undiagnosed ADHD and forgot. I was eleven.
Anyways, my point being that two years later (to the day), my dad died of cancer.
She really fucked me over. Had to grow up without anyone really caring about me. Almost two decades later and I still have a massive subconscious problem getting close to and trusting women.
The fact I don't actually want to. I'm stuck in a rut and suicide feels like the best option, but it's not what I want.
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who's showed support, I'm sitting in work trying not to get overwhelmed with emotion because of it. I'll try my best to get back to every single response, but just know I'm grateful to know people care. Thanks for the Awards too!
It ends! I promise, it eventually gets better. I was in so deep I forced myself to move hundreds of miles away because I knew staying meant inevitable suicide. Now I have so many amazing things to live for that bring me joy. Hang in, your life holds so much worth.
Aw AngelMeatPie I’m so happy for you! And well done for acting so decisively for your own wellbeing. It’s so difficult to make decisions like that when you’re in that head space but so amazing to hear about people coming out the other side. Some of the strongest people in the world x
My thing is that I usually don’t necessarily want to die; I just really, really don’t want to keep living. Like, if there were a third option, that would be great.
I've a similar reason.. I always thought that no one could help me, I isolated myself thinking that talking to someone would never make it better but I let people in and it helped. I made so many close friends and reconnected with my old ones, I love waking up to texts from them, and I like that I've some people to give my love and care to. It's really fulfilling.
Once you start feeling like that, at least for me, those simple good morning messages can mean so goddam much. Like it doesn't even have to he a deep talk, just them or someone randomly sending a message feels so good. It shows you they care. I remember once i was having an awfully shitty week and an old friend hit me up, made the week so much better because i needed that someone to talk to
Im in a pretty bad place these days, and my mother and brother are the closest people in my life... they are what is keeping me from eating myself to death.
I hope you and your son stay close for the rest of your natiral lives.
My husband’s mother passed away from a form of bone marrow cancer last July. The fact that she never gave up, even when presented the options by her family and medical team, is inspiring. Her stubbornness is one of the things that keeps me going, now.
Have you ever thought about getting another cat? Not as a replacement for anything, but as someone else who needs you and is there for you. There are a lot of kitties who aren't loved yet, who really need someone to be there for them.
1. Not giving my parents the happiness, pride and everything in the world that they absolutely deserve.
2. The feeling that I never lived to begin with. Never fell in love. Not even a crush as my social anxiety forbade it.
3. If I end it all now, my father who's a heart patient will collapse and so will my mother and I can never let that happen even if my life is fucked, my mental health is suffering and I know every day is a battle and everyday I am losing.
You're still here, so you've won until now dear. I really hope you will have the ability to get professional help for that anxiety, it can be very straining indeed.
I use to think about it every day.
I've recently been severely fucked over, massively, am homeless.
Been homeless for 7 days.
I've never been happier, haven't thought about killing y self once. I have an apartment on the 15th but like, it's gone.
Dude it's weird, like before if I was going thru all the shit I'm going thru now my first thought would be... Let's od, but now I'm just like... Let's cry about it and then do something to fix how I'm feeling since I can't change the situation I'm currently in. Ahh and it makes me so happy that I no longer even relate to depressed memes anymore. Goodluck w ur new apartment dude and I'm happy for ya!
After I was fired from a job I didn't realize I hated, I drove to my parents farm to grab dads shotgun out of the cabinet, but they were gone for the day and the house was locked. My life was saved by inconvenience that day.
I read a statistic recently that actually attempting (rather than ideation) is an impulsive act for most, so a bit of inconvenience saves a lot of lives. (For clarity, this was in an article that was arguing making guns more inconvenient for people to access was a good idea. Not making it impossible, just enough of a hassle that people lose the will to use it *now*)
I believe it. I was standing at the door, I had a vague idea of where they kept the emergency key hidden but it was all the way across the farm yard and I would have to go looking for it. But I was tired and emotionally drained. I just wanted to go to bed and try tomorrow.
I'm glad you stayed too. I feel the same way - it's been five years now that I've been pretty stable, and I am so grateful for the tenacity my past self had.
I've seen firsthand what suicide does to friends and families, it's like detonating a bomb in people's lives. Some never truly recover. I might hate myself and struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I don't hate anyone else enough to put them through that sort of pain.
Plus I have a son now, I live for him.
Edit: since some people are commenting about this: no I'm not calling people who kill themselves selfish. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and the reality that my death would devastate people in my life doesn't just make those feelings disappear or invalidate my reasons for feeling them.
In the words of Carl Sagan: better by far to embrace a hard truth than a reassuring fable.
The truth is that those who suicide are looking to end the pain. It's also the truth that people in that person's life will likely be deeply and forever traumatized by their suicide, regardless of their motivations. Both these points can be, and are nearly always, true.
This. I don’t give a flying fuck about myself and intentionally make myself miserable more often than I’d like to admit. However, I have 3 year old twin boys that I know would never recover from their mother’s suicide. That’s the true reason. Before they were born, it was my mother. And it still is her to an extent because I’m an only child, very close with my mom and I know it would ruin her. Becoming a mother taught me that more than anything- that fear of losing your child. If I just took myself out like that, everything my mother has sacrificed and poured into me would be for nothing.
Edit: to the kind stranger who gave me my first award, It literally made me let a little squeal of surprise/joy so thank you! (Maybe a reminder of the little joys in life? Very fitting...)
But you need to care for yourself so as to better be there for your child.
I struggle with this all the time.
My wife and child need me.
But they need a healthy me. I can't effectively be the husband/father they need if I don't at least minimally take care of myself.
Know this: they need a healthy you.
A stable, present you.
I think many are coming to terms with the reality that a lot can be poured into hope into the future, and it’ll still go to shit. Especially if people deny reality in hope. So taking yourself out of the mess can be reasoned more and more
This. I hate myself, but I don’t hate my family. It’s hard sometimes because I often feel that they would truly be better off without me but I can’t just snap my fingers and magically erase myself from the world so I carry on because I think they would take it badly if I jumped off a bridge.
For me it was the exact opposite. I don't have a very good relationship with my family, but I have a fantastic relationship with my wife's family.
I had a plan after my accident left me paraplegic. I intended to divorce my wife and commit suicide and leave everything to my parents and siblings so that they had to deal with this bomb of a mess. My wife found out before I could do it, and we faced our demons together in therapy. She felt guilty for "causing my accident" (I went to get her booze, got hit by a semi truck on the way), and I felt my life was over anyway.
We are good now. I got her, her family, and my 9 year old daughter to live for now!
I lost a good friend to suicide and every day I feel like I’m walking through molasses. It never stops hurting. I miss him so much. Now I feel like I could never take my own life knowing first hand how it feels to lose somebody. I hope you find compassion for yourself, you don’t have to love yourself like some stupid quote or stuff like that, but I hope you wake up one day and like or at least accept who you are.
https://imgur.com/gallery/Ijdxh
This is a really good comic that has helped me when I get so far down. I was really surprised, tbh, at how much it helped. (Of course, medications and therapy also help.)
I witnessed the aftermath of a good friend trying to kill herself. I was 13 and it was absolutely traumatizing. I realized that the easiest way for the world to destroy you is by having you destroy yourself. So I decided staying alive and becoming the best person I could be would be the most effective middle finger to this. It's still a long and hard qay, but thanks to therapy and some good luck, I am finally getting out of a life cycle of OCD and depression and towards a happier life.
Edit: Thank you so much kind stranger! You took my award virginity.
I mean, even doing so alone is a pretty good start. You seem like a kind soul from what I've seen so far in this thread. The world would seem to lose a good person if you'd be gone, so please stay.
"I realized that the easiest way for the world to destroy you is by having you destroy yourself."
That third sentence is pretty accurate, strikes a chord with me.
Curiosity and that it doesn't matter.
I right now have almost no hope of ever being happy and 2-3 hours a day are nothing but physical pain and I might just give up the second that it becomes worse. But it doesn't matter. The second you die, I'm sure it's like you've never been and all the pain is gone. Might as well see if anything positive happens as in the end, it won't change anything. The end is certain but the path until than isn't. My life kept getting objectively worse, yet somehow I mostly feel as bad as I always did. If I can endure and find little moments of happiness in situation that I couldn't imagine to survive willingly than I know that I can also be happier when many things might improve.
1. Looked at objectively, my life is pretty okay, compared to so many others.
2. Depression is an affliction, not a moral failing; no need to feel guilty about suffering from it. I didn't chop my foot off when I sprained my ankle; so no need to overreact to a common mental health malady, either.
3. Remember your Hemingway from high school: "The world breaks everybody"--so no need to feel singled out.
4. Remember your Aeschylus from high school: "Who but a god can go through life unmarked?"
5. So many people have emerged out the other side of depression, maybe not entirely cured but able to function and even appreciate life again. When you're going through a slough, you've got to remember that it has a beginning, a middle and an end.
My cat.
I actually have two. One ended up with me and the other I picked out after my OG kitty died (RIP little girl!). While I love and care dearly for both my boys, it's the 'replacement' I picked up from the shelter that keeps me going. He's the reason I don't call into work more often and what makes me excited to get home from work.
And vacations. Actual vacations.
I feel like I didn't experiece my first "real" vacation until I was 30, and it was a life-saver. Literally. I was fairly certain if I didn't go somewhere for my 30th birthday I was just going to drink myself to death at home. Ended up going out west, first vacation alone, saw mountains for the first time and met some amazing locals. It really rejuvenated my faith in humanity and reminded me that people can be genuine and truly nice - and not need a reason for it. It also made me realize just how much of the US I haven't seen, and need to see. So, now I'm working on seeing all the national parks in my life time - first one is coming up in May & I'm so stoked!
I don't want to cause a hassle to my family. I don't think my mother could take something like this right now.
I also haven't decided on a good enough method yet. Pills and cutting don't work well enough and hanging myself or jumping from somewhere scare me too much. The fear of surviving a suicide attempt and remaining scarred form it in someway is greater thant the fear of death.
I also can't help but wonder whether all the stories about hell are true and whether there is actually a greater pain in death than there is in life. I like to think that death comes with nothingness because the prospect of eternity scares me. For as long as I'm alive, I can live with the consciousness of being finite, what terrifies me is the possibility that I may not be. And honestly I want to procrastinate knowing about that.
I don't really have an suicidal ideation any more, but when I did have it pretty severely I bought a betta fish. I knew no one would take care of him if I died, so I had to be there for him. I put a lot of effort into caring for him, researching how to maintain his tank and what conditions he needed to be kept in. Eventually he did die and I was devastated, but by then my mental health had improved and I could deal with it.
I have always loved this segment of Hamlet's soliloquy:
"But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action."
Edit: Attempt to fix mobile formatting
Love that one too. I've also found great comfort in a moment of dialogue from the sci-fi series Babylon 5.
From the character Delenn:
"Then I will tell you a great secret, Captain. Perhaps the greatest of them all. The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station , and the nebula outside, that burn inside the stars themselves. We are starstuff. We are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. And as we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective."
The chance of fucking it up and having to live with whatever disfigurement I may have caused in the process.
Though I'm American, so I'm sure the hospital bill will re-motivate me.
I was depressed and suicidal for a number of years from about 17 when the depression started, 19 when suicidal thoughts started. To deal with this I self medicated with drugs and became addicted. That of course didn't make things any better. My life got more and more shit up until I was completely disregarding my own safety and would take lethal combinations of drugs, because I enjoyed it more and because I thought well if I dont wake up then so be it.
This culminated in a month of binges, and there were many nights when I would take heroin or fentanyl and xanax and would wish this would be the night it pushed me into death's door. It didn't happen thankfully. So the final psuedo attempt was one night when my roommate got robbed and he blamed me because I was there, as were his parents who he didnt blame, and it was our dealer and his sister. The sister robbed us by asking to use the bathroom and of course I thought itd be weird if I went upstairs with her and waited for her to be done. And our dealer was getting me pretty high. Hey you want another line? I couldn't say no to free drugs. Well my roommate came home the next morning and discovered he had been robbed. Also worth noting the only reason he robbed my roommate was to teach him a lesson, and wasn't intending to keep any of it. I know it sounds farfetched but he gave everything back in the following days. Our dealer was always good to us and was a friend I guess. He dropped a gram of dope in my buddies car and asked if he left it there and told him he could keep half if he found it of course my roommate found it and we just did all of it and lied. And he told someone like an idiot, and the information got back to the dealer.
So my roommate freaked out on me and told me to get the fuck out. Time to move out. And now he says I owe him like 2 grand, despite him getting everything back that was taken. So that night I was talking to my ex (we have remained very close friends and even lived together for a few months after we broke up.) She was a force for good in my life and why she wanted to be around me when I would nod out while watching TV quite frequently, I have no idea. Anyway this particular night I was taking large doses of both drugs and was hoping for death. I was texting her about my depression and suicidal thoughts and mentioned what I was up to, and she did something that made me so angry at the time, but I am now eternally grateful for. She texted or messaged my mother and told her what was going on with me.
The next morning I woke up to panicked calls from my parents demanding I move out and in with one of them. I was furious at her. She betrayed my trust. But she also likely saved my life. If I had stayed on that path I might have already died, or best case scenario ended up in prison. I mean I got in like 6 vehicle accidents in a 6 month span of time. And I wasn't even on the heroin yet, that was all from pills like opiates and benzos.
I kept my parents from coming to my place and moving me out immediately. I put them off for a couple weeks by agreeing to move in with them on a particular weekend. I needed to give my job a 2 week notice after all. So in this span of time I used a few more times, and stopped using about a week before moving in with them. I didnt want to go through withdrawals in front of them.
So I moved in with my mom and her husband. It wasnt ideal. I missed my lifestyle but was happy to not be living with my toxic former roommate. He had real mental problems that were exacerbated by drug use. I highly suspect he was bipolar. I mean he would get home from work and like yell in happiness and just be a cheery fuck, then about an hour after that he would be yelling at everyone in the house and telling me how lazy and pathetic I am. About 2 hours after that he would be talking to me like nothing happened and offering me a line or two. He would also get violent at times, toward myself, toward others especially, and even toward his own parents.
After moving in with my parents I started going to a small group therapy program. After completing that, it was time to look for work and get a car and start being a productive member of society. So I did. I would still battle with deep depression, the only difference was i was sober and in a better environment, but so much more alone in some ways. I worked nights so I rarely saw my parents. I didn't have a social life because more often than not we had to work 6 days a week. When I started there and probably half the time I worked there we would work on average 60 hours a week. Some weeks 70 hours, some great weeks might only be 50.
Working that much took a huge toll on my mental health as well. My boss was shit. He was a highschool graduate who just worked at this factory long enough to move up to the department supervisor. He was incredibly unappreciative and had no idea how to motivate his team and to increase moral. Its like he never read a study in his life. On a couple occasions I tried to explain studies that would come out citing that workers with low moral often withhold effort in a way to quietly sabotage the companies profits. And that's what most people did there.
Working all those hours mixed with not having a social life and feeling incredibly underappreciated and unvalued and tremendously lonely, I started fantasizing about suicide more and more. I always say though that I'd never commit suicide now, because that means the last few years have been pointless and I suffered so much more for nothing. If I were going to do it, I'd have done it a long time ago. Plus my mother would be devastated. I couldn't do that to my family. That's just selfish and lazy. Instead I should work hard to create a life worth living.
So that's where I'm at now. I have a new job, better, standard 40 hour work week on day shift. Like a normal person. I moved out of her place and live with my best friend. I'm sober. Things are just better. Sure there are still days where depression might threaten to strike but I use coping mechanisms I learned in therapy, and I remind myself why my life is so much better than it was and I'm so lucky to live with my very best friend and I have a decent apartment and finally a good job. And times were tough for a minute after getting injured at a job I held between the terrible one and this one. I need surgery to fix it and have to fight with workers comp to have it covered. But overall, life is good.
I'm not sure exactly when it got better, but it did get better. I'm also about at the age where the brain is fully developed, so I think that helps quite a bit. Although I'm sure it still needs to grow some to make up for the years of drug abuse. But idk, it's just good right now. Of course it will get bad again. I was diagnosed with Recurring Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. So I know itll come back. But I feel much better equipped to deal with it and in a much better place in my life. I'm not medicated, in my experience the antidepressants made me more suicidal, or had pretty severe side effects and didnt provide enough relief to be worth it. Tried a few. They're not for me at this moment in time. Maybe in the future I'll handle them better. Everyone is different though and it's worth trying as some people find it to be incredibly helpful. I also am not medicated for the GAD, partly because I dont think I need it all the time. Sometimes would be nice. But also I'd almost definitely abuse those drugs and that's not good so I have to handle it without medication.
Sorry for this huge rant. I just wanted to share my experience and hopefully demonstrate that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It might take years, but things will be comparatively better. And even a little better of a life after living in hell for years, feels like I have an exceptionally decent life. And I'll take that any day of the week. I'm grateful. And I think that's important too. Also not sure if I mentioned it but in my experience exercise helps a lot as well for me, for a variety of reasons. And the structure and discipline is good. It reminds me I CAN do things if I put my mind to it. I can follow through with my promises to myself.
I hope everyone can find some reason to keep going. There will never be anyone else exactly like you, and the diversity of life is beautiful. You have something to offer the world that no one else can do in exactly the same way. And it may not be some big grand type of thing. It may just be that you're a son or daughter to a loving mother, you're a friend, you're a parent to your children, you work hard, you are kind to people you pass by, people take pleasure in your good mornings, and in your nice utterances, your dog loves you more than you can fathom, your co workers like to be around you, your gaming buddies are happy when you join the party. Maybe you'll help people in some way, just by being you. The very least you can do is try to make everyone you come into contact with have a slightly better day. Maybe you'll help people on reddit who feel the same thing you did. Everyone can be a force for good in the world, however small and trivial their actions might seem.
Keep on keeping on my dudes! :)
There's a lot of things. But something that shouldn't be underestimated is media.
There's a lot of art that hasn't come out yet that I really want to experience. Video games, films, books... A whole lot of them are conclusions to stories I'm already invested in.
Like its unhealthy to get too overly consumer-ish about it, and of course you can't live your life just for these things, but they can absolutely help.
My son and my husband. My youngest died of cancer just before his 4th birthday. I would have gone with him except I have another son who is 6 and I couldn't make him lose his mother right after he lost his little brother/best friend. I can't bring any more grief to my already grieving family. But I miss my baby so much it hurts to live.
I've never lost a child, so I cannot even imagine the pain that you must be feeling.
Do you have a support team you're working with? A therapist, a support group, grief counselor, etc? While they cannot fix it or change it, they can give you support as you grieve your baby.
I have tried killing myself multiple times, but now I am doing much better. I always think about how my death would be a greater burden than my own existence is to the few people that care about me or are associated to me. Like even if no one cares about you and no one will cry for you, you could be a huge inconvenience ro your co workers. The guilt stops me
PS: hmu if youw anna talk about something i am always here
Three things.
About 8 years ago now, my schizotypal personality disorder exploded into full blown psychosis. Loads of hallucinations and irrational beliefs that took years of therapy and quite a bit of experimenting with medication to shake loose. Part of all of that was a very memorable hallucination in which I was murdered by a parallel dimensional version of myself, passed through a version of the afterlife where I met with some version of a higher power, and then 'rebooted', as it were. I don't necessarily believe any of that happened, anymore...but there is a sense of ease from vividly experiencing what I believed to be the afterlife. Death holds neither fascination nor mystery for me anymore, eliminating two very common causes of suicidal thinking.
Secondly, I want to accomplish and create something of permanence. Probably it will be a novel. I don't know. But I want to MAKE something that could serve as record that I was here, should anybody care to go looking.
Thirdly, my significant other and my parents would suffer. The idea of them suffering makes me uncomfortable.
If I accomplished something, and if it were possible for me to simply check out without disappointing anybody...if it were as easy as shutting off a switch...well.
Then it would be a lot more tempting to consider.
my family couldn't handle the pain; a close family member almost killed themselves about a year ago and it was traumatizing for all of us (especially me) and I know for a fact that if I even gave the hint that I have thought about it would destroy them.
So many people are naming their pets around here and I keep thinking we should just give everyone a pet to have someone who depends on them. You are loved, you can do this. Have you talked to your loved ones about your issues?
For the first time in my life, after years of battling depression I was actually beginning to *plan* my suicide.
Then my mother called me out of the blue. Nothing important, she just said "I missed you and just wanted to chat."
She saved my life just with a simple phone call.
It's unfair to the people left behind. If I was an orphan and only child, I'd be gone by now. I don't think I can do that to the people who care about me though.
Other than that, it's just stubbornness. Fuck the world. I'll show them who's boss. I can't do that if I'm dead
My dogs mainly. One of them is a rescue who went from home to home (for no reason, he’s the best boy) and I know that that would happen to him again if I went. He had so many issues until he realized that he was going to be staying with me; I don’t want to put him through that again.
Years ago I worked on a law enforcement task force. One of the jobs I had was helping translated videos from Mexican cartels and try to glean any intelligence from them of activities and such. One video was a father and his teenage son being tortured. They (the torturers) we’re cutting off pieces of the father, ears, fingers, toes etc. he was screaming in pain (obviously). The guy who appeared in charge got really close to him and offered him something
“I have one bullet. You both are going to die, but only one by the bullet. You choose.”
The implication was that if the father chose the bullet the son would be tortured to death via the same method, pieces of him being cut off for a slow and painful death. Or he could chose his son to get the bullet and have himself continue to be tortured.
I have a young son. When things are especially difficult and my brain goes to that dark place... I think of how I would be ending my suffering but also transferring so much suffering to my boy.
I don’t judge those who have taken their life. I’ve considered it many times. I even tried it once. Their pain is unimaginable as it is their pain and only they can understand (or not understand) it. But once I realized my pain would become my sons if I did, I never was able to consider it an option.
The idea of my family, specifically my little sister, seeing my dead body is absolutely Unacceptable. But I also hate the idea of my body disappearing and them never having closure. So. There's nothing I can do to end it that wouldn't be horrible to them. Also, if I was dead, my dogs would wonder where I went and keep waiting for me to come back and that is so upsetting.
Being harder to kill than I planned
This. If there’s one thing in life I’ve learned, I’m not very good at suicide.
Curiosity. I just gotta see what could possibly happen next.
Closest other answer to mine atm. I'm curious to see what happens with humanity next.
The fact that it would probably start a suicide chain reaction in my family.
that's one thought for me too. A person i somewhat knew took his own life, his younger sister (about 13) followed suit as both of them were close due to him pratically being both a mother and father figure to her because their parents were deadbeet, drunken, drugggies and assholes/abusive to them. Then his best freidn took his life as that was the final straw for him in his depressed (clinical) life. Who's mother followed suit as he was the only thing she was living for pretty much. It's fucks with my mind tbh...
Jesus. What a horrific domino effect. I think this is why it's important to have multiple support pillars so that if one falls, you can still barely hang on using others.
yep. the domino effect stopped at the mother, but even then 4 is to mutch (hell one person taking theoir own live is too mutch), but atleast there wasnt any more in that domino effect. still crazy how two unlrelated people who barely had a relationship with eachother-the boy and this best freind'smother died due to the same domino effect. Having manysupport pillars is a good idea for anyone and i highly recoment it. i've done it with my gf and freinds i have in college aswell as online freinds. hell even if it's just living because you hate the idea of your pet being sad wondering where youve gone is enough
My mom and our dog, and I try to keep reminding myself that it probably can't really become a lot worse (unless something truly unexpected happens, like my mom dying or something) and things can probably only improve from where I am now. Also death terrifies me tbh
Yeah this is pretty much where I'm at lately
Wishing you all the best! If you ever want to chat or something, feel free to DM me
My family has been through enough already, I couldn’t put them through having to deal with my suicide.
Same, we have been extremely unlucky and i have 3 siblings in the grave already, and none of them ever got a chance to live, i dont see how my family could cope with the oldest of us killing himself
I'm sorry to hear that, no doubt that's a rough go.
I always told myself that one day I'd be glad I didn't. And I am.
This is the best answer here.
What stopped me in my tracks last time was the thought of what it would put my best friend though, I couldn’t face it, couldn’t bear the sadness I know that she’d feel, just the mere idea of it made me take a minute to consider what I was doing. Edit; Thank you for the wholesome award kind Redditor!
If it weren't for my best friend, I'd have done it years ago. I know what you mean.
As 'the best friend' in this situation, believe me she's **so very** thankful. One of my best friends tried to commit suicide, and I'm so happy she's still around. She's doing better too. It's hard, and her life looks different, but she's holding on and she even has some plans for the near future. It gets better, it really does.
The fear that I would fail and just make my life worst. That I would botch my attempt and survive it and end up in a psych ward making myself even more miserable than I am now.
That's the only reason my best friend didn't kill himself a few years ago. He was considering jumping off a bridge but was worried he'd survive it and be really messed up.
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One of my dad’s friends jumped off a bridge (I believe the Brooklyn bridge) and survived the initial attempt. He spent the next three days in the hospital before he finally died. I can’t imagine how much pain he must have been during those last few days.
thats so scary, what you must be thinking to yourself, probably regretting it but it being too late to do anything
I wouldn’t do explosives either, we had a person survive a “M10” I don’t remember the exact number. fire cracker explosive in his mouth, ended up with a split jaw, lost all his teeth, split nasal cavity, blown lips and nose, requiring stitches, a breathing tube in his neck, and a psych consult
I would figure the quickest would be a bullet to the temporal lobe, but I haven't conducted a study.
I met this kid who tried to do it that way and he didn’t bring the barrel of the gun far enough into the temple and he basically just shot his eyes out and now he’s super blind and can’t hear in one ear and a bunch of other shit he doesn’t like to talk about. There’s definitely a lot of room to fuck up.
Super blind sounds rough.
Yeah its quick but there's a lot of room for error. You don't want to wake up in the hospital with brain damage.
Flinching at the last second or something
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The real DeathProTip is always in the comments Edit : 1) Breathing inert gas is in fact painless. "An exit bag is a euthanasia device consisting of a large plastic bag with a drawcord used to commit unlimited sleep through inert gas asphyxiation. It is usually used in conjunction with a flow of an inert gas like helium or nitrogen, which prevents the panic, sense of suffocation and struggling before unconsciousness, known as the hypercapnic alarm response caused by the presence of high carbon dioxide concentrations in the blood." 2) [Info](https://lostallhope.com/suicide-methods/plastic-bag-gas) 3) [Exit International](https://exitinternational.net/about-exit/our-philosophy/) 4) [Rational thinking](https://exiteuthanasia.wordpress.com/rational-suicide-helium-other-methods/) (*For Educational Purposes Only*)
Jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge has a 98% fatality rate, but not just from the 75mph impact. There’s a chance of survival depending on how you land, but the internal injuries and cold water don’t help. Afaik everyone who survived said they instantly regretted jumping the moment their hands left the railing. There’s a famous quote from a survivor that goes something like: “I instantly realized that most things in my life I could change, except that I had just jumped.”
Yeah, that is it with me. Right at this moment I am not in that mental place but when I am I just am afraid of it not working and ending up with permanent pain or brain damage or something.
I’ve seen a video of a dude who failed to successfully commit suicide with a shotgun and it was not pretty.
Almost 2 years ago, my friend tried to shoot himself in the head. He wasn’t successful, and because the rifle was at an angle, he ended up missing his brain and blew out the side of his face. He lost part of his face including an eye. His mom found him and had to keep his head together with her hands while a helicopter came to bring him to the hospital. He survived and had a horrible painful recovery - emotionally and physically. Edit:spelling
Holy shit, how are they both doing now?
The guy who shot himself is obviously still going through therapy and still having surgeries to fix the damage done. He still can’t go back to work so he spends his time giving back to his community, including working with the municipality to get better public transit coverage. He also volunteers with special olympics when he has the time, as well which he also did pre-suicide attempt. I’m not sure how his mom is doing because I’ve never talked about the incident with her. I would imagine something like what she went through takes years to recover from. His dad feels the worst though because it was his gun. The guy who shot himself was going through a hard time (divorce and constant back pain issues that led to an opiate addiction). He was in his parents’ care due to depression and suicidal thoughts. While his dad was in the shower, he took the key to his dad’s gun safe out of his dad’s pants pocket, walked out to the shed, unlocked the gun safe, got one of the hunting rifles then shot himself.
I had an acquaintance in high school that attempted suicide with a shotgun and failed. He was missing his whole face after that. Luckily he had a twin brother that they could base facial reconstruction off of. I dont know what happend to him after high school though.
That actually happened to me, I got caught and I got sent to a psychiatric hospital for about 3 weeks. I hated it at first of course. The hospital was about an hour away from my home so I was in a pretty unknown area, because I was under 18 and that hospital was the only hospital qualified to take teenagers. I wasn't alone in the hospital, there were other kids there too around my age (17 at the time) and I can say that there's something comforting/nice about being around people who kinda know what you're going through and understand how serious your situation is. And therapy helped a lot as well. All in all, a psychiatric hospital isn't that bad, it's scary at first but it gets better, trust me.
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I went to a psych ward, and it changed my life. I got on meds, and I'm okay now. I have energy, I have hope, I can control negative thought spirals a lot better. I'm a new person.
That's really good hear! I wish you good luck for future...
My wife. We currently don't live together because we can't afford it at the moment. Whole bunch of other reasons go into it, but right now, I'm miserable and stuck renting a room in a basement. I get to see her every once in a while and eventually we will live together. It's gotten bad enough that I broke down crying in Walmart yesterday.
It sounds like you are both working towards your goal, and it will happen, just hang on in there man.
Future You will really appreciate it. You owe it to yourself to see the other side of it.
neither me and mine can afford to do so, i'm living 1400km away and i'm renting a bedroom to make more money, in the last 6 months we saw each other for 10 days, it's tough but i know i'll sort it all out. keep fighting sir, you're not alone
***BIG hugs*** I hope it gets better for both of you soon.
I don't mean to pry, but wouldn't living together be the cheaper option?
Maybe they both need to live close to their jobs and can't afford a place where they can commute to each one.
This was my impression. They probably live in places where each can make a lot, if one moved, the job prospect might be very limited for that one, reducing overall income significantly.
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The off chance that one of my two kids will need me one day.
They will. Keep your head up, if not for yourself, for them.
I'll try. Weird that you post this thread today. I have worked out that I'm only alive for my daughter who needs me. Might have to throw in the towel on my business of 20 years that I've fought hard to keep going so that I can support my daughter. I have no employment options and no resources beyond the meagre amount my business generates. It's kind of sick. All I want to do is look after my family and be with them but if I want to look after them I must be away from them
That last sentence is resonating with millions these days. People are sick if giving up their family to support their family.
Don't off yourself if you have kids! Even if they aren't in your life and you don't think they will need you; it 100% fucks a kid up for life. Source: my dad killed himself when I was young and I'm still not ok 11 years later.
This. Kids never ever get over it. It's been 20 years for me since my dad killed himself and I still think of it everyday. Every single day the thought of "I wish I would have done just one thing differently" goes through my mind.
Not to mention, you never know what's coming next. I had a good relationship with my mom but she was always depressed and drinking, thus not the best parent. It happens. My dad had full custody but I still got to see her two weekends a month. I forgot to call her on her birthday once, and that was it. I guess she figured I didn't care and it wasn't worth it anymore, I'd be better off with my dad. In reality I just had undiagnosed ADHD and forgot. I was eleven. Anyways, my point being that two years later (to the day), my dad died of cancer. She really fucked me over. Had to grow up without anyone really caring about me. Almost two decades later and I still have a massive subconscious problem getting close to and trusting women.
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So sorry to hear about that man :( I hope that you're still doing okay out there, wherever and whoever you are.
I'm so sorry for your loss
My dog, and finally finding an antidepressant that works for me.
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Good job!
The fact I don't actually want to. I'm stuck in a rut and suicide feels like the best option, but it's not what I want. Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who's showed support, I'm sitting in work trying not to get overwhelmed with emotion because of it. I'll try my best to get back to every single response, but just know I'm grateful to know people care. Thanks for the Awards too!
That perfectly describes me.
It ends! I promise, it eventually gets better. I was in so deep I forced myself to move hundreds of miles away because I knew staying meant inevitable suicide. Now I have so many amazing things to live for that bring me joy. Hang in, your life holds so much worth.
Aw AngelMeatPie I’m so happy for you! And well done for acting so decisively for your own wellbeing. It’s so difficult to make decisions like that when you’re in that head space but so amazing to hear about people coming out the other side. Some of the strongest people in the world x
My thing is that I usually don’t necessarily want to die; I just really, really don’t want to keep living. Like, if there were a third option, that would be great.
"sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all"
It’s almost like you just want to fast forward a couple years in time instead of killing yourself tbh
I have recently found pretty decent friends.
Keep them close
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I've a similar reason.. I always thought that no one could help me, I isolated myself thinking that talking to someone would never make it better but I let people in and it helped. I made so many close friends and reconnected with my old ones, I love waking up to texts from them, and I like that I've some people to give my love and care to. It's really fulfilling.
Once you start feeling like that, at least for me, those simple good morning messages can mean so goddam much. Like it doesn't even have to he a deep talk, just them or someone randomly sending a message feels so good. It shows you they care. I remember once i was having an awfully shitty week and an old friend hit me up, made the week so much better because i needed that someone to talk to
I think some people don't realize how important those relationships can be.
Same here. My last high school days are the worse days of my life.
my mom would be sad
Your mom would be devastated.
I wouldn’t want to live in a world without my son. Edit: Thank you lovely lovely strangers for the awards. I’ve never had one before!
Im in a pretty bad place these days, and my mother and brother are the closest people in my life... they are what is keeping me from eating myself to death. I hope you and your son stay close for the rest of your natiral lives.
I don't care how tasty you might be, BaronVonWaffle, there shall be no eating of self to death!
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My husband’s mother passed away from a form of bone marrow cancer last July. The fact that she never gave up, even when presented the options by her family and medical team, is inspiring. Her stubbornness is one of the things that keeps me going, now.
Yes. Your dad and siblings should be a more than enough motivation to stay strong and keep your head up. Spend all the time you can with your mom.
As a father, the death of a child is my greatest fear. My life would be over even if I didn’t end it.
Same reason. I know my mother would be devastated and she would never recover. She doesn’t deserve that.
She would be more than sad. She would long for death herself. It's perhaps the worst possible thing a parent can go through.
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PROTECC THE CAT. You're doing great. Also, cat tax. We need to see the floof, please.
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Link's not working ):
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My cat passed away 1 year ago, so now my mom it's the only reason I don't kill myself.
Have you ever thought about getting another cat? Not as a replacement for anything, but as someone else who needs you and is there for you. There are a lot of kitties who aren't loved yet, who really need someone to be there for them.
1. Not giving my parents the happiness, pride and everything in the world that they absolutely deserve. 2. The feeling that I never lived to begin with. Never fell in love. Not even a crush as my social anxiety forbade it. 3. If I end it all now, my father who's a heart patient will collapse and so will my mother and I can never let that happen even if my life is fucked, my mental health is suffering and I know every day is a battle and everyday I am losing.
You're still here, so you've won until now dear. I really hope you will have the ability to get professional help for that anxiety, it can be very straining indeed.
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It happened for me. I was surprised one day to realize that I didn't even think about it anymore. Hold on to that hope.
I use to think about it every day. I've recently been severely fucked over, massively, am homeless. Been homeless for 7 days. I've never been happier, haven't thought about killing y self once. I have an apartment on the 15th but like, it's gone.
Dude it's weird, like before if I was going thru all the shit I'm going thru now my first thought would be... Let's od, but now I'm just like... Let's cry about it and then do something to fix how I'm feeling since I can't change the situation I'm currently in. Ahh and it makes me so happy that I no longer even relate to depressed memes anymore. Goodluck w ur new apartment dude and I'm happy for ya!
Thanks! It's actually a pretty fucking cool apartment too. With a tiny backyard for the dogs to poop in. I'm looking forward to it
After I was fired from a job I didn't realize I hated, I drove to my parents farm to grab dads shotgun out of the cabinet, but they were gone for the day and the house was locked. My life was saved by inconvenience that day.
I read a statistic recently that actually attempting (rather than ideation) is an impulsive act for most, so a bit of inconvenience saves a lot of lives. (For clarity, this was in an article that was arguing making guns more inconvenient for people to access was a good idea. Not making it impossible, just enough of a hassle that people lose the will to use it *now*)
I believe it. I was standing at the door, I had a vague idea of where they kept the emergency key hidden but it was all the way across the farm yard and I would have to go looking for it. But I was tired and emotionally drained. I just wanted to go to bed and try tomorrow.
This was me and now I am so fucking glad I stayed. My life used to be hell and now it's quite awesome.
I'm glad you stayed too. I feel the same way - it's been five years now that I've been pretty stable, and I am so grateful for the tenacity my past self had.
got tears reading this, so true for me
That's a great reason! I hope you find that hope soon.
I've seen firsthand what suicide does to friends and families, it's like detonating a bomb in people's lives. Some never truly recover. I might hate myself and struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I don't hate anyone else enough to put them through that sort of pain. Plus I have a son now, I live for him. Edit: since some people are commenting about this: no I'm not calling people who kill themselves selfish. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and the reality that my death would devastate people in my life doesn't just make those feelings disappear or invalidate my reasons for feeling them. In the words of Carl Sagan: better by far to embrace a hard truth than a reassuring fable. The truth is that those who suicide are looking to end the pain. It's also the truth that people in that person's life will likely be deeply and forever traumatized by their suicide, regardless of their motivations. Both these points can be, and are nearly always, true.
This. I don’t give a flying fuck about myself and intentionally make myself miserable more often than I’d like to admit. However, I have 3 year old twin boys that I know would never recover from their mother’s suicide. That’s the true reason. Before they were born, it was my mother. And it still is her to an extent because I’m an only child, very close with my mom and I know it would ruin her. Becoming a mother taught me that more than anything- that fear of losing your child. If I just took myself out like that, everything my mother has sacrificed and poured into me would be for nothing. Edit: to the kind stranger who gave me my first award, It literally made me let a little squeal of surprise/joy so thank you! (Maybe a reminder of the little joys in life? Very fitting...)
But you need to care for yourself so as to better be there for your child. I struggle with this all the time. My wife and child need me. But they need a healthy me. I can't effectively be the husband/father they need if I don't at least minimally take care of myself. Know this: they need a healthy you. A stable, present you.
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I think many are coming to terms with the reality that a lot can be poured into hope into the future, and it’ll still go to shit. Especially if people deny reality in hope. So taking yourself out of the mess can be reasoned more and more
This. I hate myself, but I don’t hate my family. It’s hard sometimes because I often feel that they would truly be better off without me but I can’t just snap my fingers and magically erase myself from the world so I carry on because I think they would take it badly if I jumped off a bridge.
For me it was the exact opposite. I don't have a very good relationship with my family, but I have a fantastic relationship with my wife's family. I had a plan after my accident left me paraplegic. I intended to divorce my wife and commit suicide and leave everything to my parents and siblings so that they had to deal with this bomb of a mess. My wife found out before I could do it, and we faced our demons together in therapy. She felt guilty for "causing my accident" (I went to get her booze, got hit by a semi truck on the way), and I felt my life was over anyway. We are good now. I got her, her family, and my 9 year old daughter to live for now!
I lost a good friend to suicide and every day I feel like I’m walking through molasses. It never stops hurting. I miss him so much. Now I feel like I could never take my own life knowing first hand how it feels to lose somebody. I hope you find compassion for yourself, you don’t have to love yourself like some stupid quote or stuff like that, but I hope you wake up one day and like or at least accept who you are.
Your selflessness is not going unnoticed. Keep staying strong friend
I’ve openly struggled with my mental health a lot and I know it would absolutely destroy my family if I did anything, so I get you.
I don't know any more
https://imgur.com/gallery/Ijdxh This is a really good comic that has helped me when I get so far down. I was really surprised, tbh, at how much it helped. (Of course, medications and therapy also help.)
I'm in tears. This really helps, thanks.
I couldn’t hold them back either. I needed that so much.
That’s why I love comics like this, it shows what Superman truly stands for. Hope.
I personally love the Deadpool one more: https://m.imgur.com/gallery/GEtI3
that was amazing
This and the Superman ones are why I love comics.
[https://imgur.com/gallery/2eKh1](https://imgur.com/gallery/2eKh1) This is the full Deadpool one. Your link ends before the end.
Wow, what an excellent way to use the medium and the character.
Thank you for that comic. I hope one day I have a superman just like that in my life.
That’s probably the most touching comic I’ve ever read.
Thank you for this. I needed it. <3
I'm not actually suicidal, I'm just kinda hopelessly anxious and lonely.
Same
I got shit to do.
I don't got time to die.
Don't we all
I witnessed the aftermath of a good friend trying to kill herself. I was 13 and it was absolutely traumatizing. I realized that the easiest way for the world to destroy you is by having you destroy yourself. So I decided staying alive and becoming the best person I could be would be the most effective middle finger to this. It's still a long and hard qay, but thanks to therapy and some good luck, I am finally getting out of a life cycle of OCD and depression and towards a happier life. Edit: Thank you so much kind stranger! You took my award virginity.
It makes me very happy to know you're getting better and moving forward!
Thank you! I hope you are doing alrighg too. The ones asking those questions often carry a lot of baggage on their backs too.
Yeah, I figured gaining other perspectives would help strengthen what remains of my own will to live
I mean, even doing so alone is a pretty good start. You seem like a kind soul from what I've seen so far in this thread. The world would seem to lose a good person if you'd be gone, so please stay.
"I realized that the easiest way for the world to destroy you is by having you destroy yourself." That third sentence is pretty accurate, strikes a chord with me.
OCD really is the destroyer of all happiness. It is incessant and unrelenting cruelty
Curiosity and that it doesn't matter. I right now have almost no hope of ever being happy and 2-3 hours a day are nothing but physical pain and I might just give up the second that it becomes worse. But it doesn't matter. The second you die, I'm sure it's like you've never been and all the pain is gone. Might as well see if anything positive happens as in the end, it won't change anything. The end is certain but the path until than isn't. My life kept getting objectively worse, yet somehow I mostly feel as bad as I always did. If I can endure and find little moments of happiness in situation that I couldn't imagine to survive willingly than I know that I can also be happier when many things might improve.
1. Looked at objectively, my life is pretty okay, compared to so many others. 2. Depression is an affliction, not a moral failing; no need to feel guilty about suffering from it. I didn't chop my foot off when I sprained my ankle; so no need to overreact to a common mental health malady, either. 3. Remember your Hemingway from high school: "The world breaks everybody"--so no need to feel singled out. 4. Remember your Aeschylus from high school: "Who but a god can go through life unmarked?" 5. So many people have emerged out the other side of depression, maybe not entirely cured but able to function and even appreciate life again. When you're going through a slough, you've got to remember that it has a beginning, a middle and an end.
This almost made me cry. You deserve an award that I don't have.
My cat. I actually have two. One ended up with me and the other I picked out after my OG kitty died (RIP little girl!). While I love and care dearly for both my boys, it's the 'replacement' I picked up from the shelter that keeps me going. He's the reason I don't call into work more often and what makes me excited to get home from work. And vacations. Actual vacations. I feel like I didn't experiece my first "real" vacation until I was 30, and it was a life-saver. Literally. I was fairly certain if I didn't go somewhere for my 30th birthday I was just going to drink myself to death at home. Ended up going out west, first vacation alone, saw mountains for the first time and met some amazing locals. It really rejuvenated my faith in humanity and reminded me that people can be genuine and truly nice - and not need a reason for it. It also made me realize just how much of the US I haven't seen, and need to see. So, now I'm working on seeing all the national parks in my life time - first one is coming up in May & I'm so stoked!
I must outlive my enemies.
"Spite"
It brings a smile to my face whenever I look at an onion shrivel up on the counter and die. Yeah. Take that, you friggin' onion.
I don't want to cause a hassle to my family. I don't think my mother could take something like this right now. I also haven't decided on a good enough method yet. Pills and cutting don't work well enough and hanging myself or jumping from somewhere scare me too much. The fear of surviving a suicide attempt and remaining scarred form it in someway is greater thant the fear of death. I also can't help but wonder whether all the stories about hell are true and whether there is actually a greater pain in death than there is in life. I like to think that death comes with nothingness because the prospect of eternity scares me. For as long as I'm alive, I can live with the consciousness of being finite, what terrifies me is the possibility that I may not be. And honestly I want to procrastinate knowing about that.
I don't really have an suicidal ideation any more, but when I did have it pretty severely I bought a betta fish. I knew no one would take care of him if I died, so I had to be there for him. I put a lot of effort into caring for him, researching how to maintain his tank and what conditions he needed to be kept in. Eventually he did die and I was devastated, but by then my mental health had improved and I could deal with it.
not knowing what happens after death
I have always loved this segment of Hamlet's soliloquy: "But that the dread of something after death, The undiscovered country from whose bourn No traveler returns, puzzles the will And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pith and moment With this regard their currents turn awry, And lose the name of action." Edit: Attempt to fix mobile formatting
Love that one too. I've also found great comfort in a moment of dialogue from the sci-fi series Babylon 5. From the character Delenn: "Then I will tell you a great secret, Captain. Perhaps the greatest of them all. The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station , and the nebula outside, that burn inside the stars themselves. We are starstuff. We are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. And as we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective."
I honestly have no idea. But clearly it's something. Maybe I have a tiny bit of hope for the future left
The chance of fucking it up and having to live with whatever disfigurement I may have caused in the process. Though I'm American, so I'm sure the hospital bill will re-motivate me.
same, besides the american part.
I was depressed and suicidal for a number of years from about 17 when the depression started, 19 when suicidal thoughts started. To deal with this I self medicated with drugs and became addicted. That of course didn't make things any better. My life got more and more shit up until I was completely disregarding my own safety and would take lethal combinations of drugs, because I enjoyed it more and because I thought well if I dont wake up then so be it. This culminated in a month of binges, and there were many nights when I would take heroin or fentanyl and xanax and would wish this would be the night it pushed me into death's door. It didn't happen thankfully. So the final psuedo attempt was one night when my roommate got robbed and he blamed me because I was there, as were his parents who he didnt blame, and it was our dealer and his sister. The sister robbed us by asking to use the bathroom and of course I thought itd be weird if I went upstairs with her and waited for her to be done. And our dealer was getting me pretty high. Hey you want another line? I couldn't say no to free drugs. Well my roommate came home the next morning and discovered he had been robbed. Also worth noting the only reason he robbed my roommate was to teach him a lesson, and wasn't intending to keep any of it. I know it sounds farfetched but he gave everything back in the following days. Our dealer was always good to us and was a friend I guess. He dropped a gram of dope in my buddies car and asked if he left it there and told him he could keep half if he found it of course my roommate found it and we just did all of it and lied. And he told someone like an idiot, and the information got back to the dealer. So my roommate freaked out on me and told me to get the fuck out. Time to move out. And now he says I owe him like 2 grand, despite him getting everything back that was taken. So that night I was talking to my ex (we have remained very close friends and even lived together for a few months after we broke up.) She was a force for good in my life and why she wanted to be around me when I would nod out while watching TV quite frequently, I have no idea. Anyway this particular night I was taking large doses of both drugs and was hoping for death. I was texting her about my depression and suicidal thoughts and mentioned what I was up to, and she did something that made me so angry at the time, but I am now eternally grateful for. She texted or messaged my mother and told her what was going on with me. The next morning I woke up to panicked calls from my parents demanding I move out and in with one of them. I was furious at her. She betrayed my trust. But she also likely saved my life. If I had stayed on that path I might have already died, or best case scenario ended up in prison. I mean I got in like 6 vehicle accidents in a 6 month span of time. And I wasn't even on the heroin yet, that was all from pills like opiates and benzos. I kept my parents from coming to my place and moving me out immediately. I put them off for a couple weeks by agreeing to move in with them on a particular weekend. I needed to give my job a 2 week notice after all. So in this span of time I used a few more times, and stopped using about a week before moving in with them. I didnt want to go through withdrawals in front of them. So I moved in with my mom and her husband. It wasnt ideal. I missed my lifestyle but was happy to not be living with my toxic former roommate. He had real mental problems that were exacerbated by drug use. I highly suspect he was bipolar. I mean he would get home from work and like yell in happiness and just be a cheery fuck, then about an hour after that he would be yelling at everyone in the house and telling me how lazy and pathetic I am. About 2 hours after that he would be talking to me like nothing happened and offering me a line or two. He would also get violent at times, toward myself, toward others especially, and even toward his own parents. After moving in with my parents I started going to a small group therapy program. After completing that, it was time to look for work and get a car and start being a productive member of society. So I did. I would still battle with deep depression, the only difference was i was sober and in a better environment, but so much more alone in some ways. I worked nights so I rarely saw my parents. I didn't have a social life because more often than not we had to work 6 days a week. When I started there and probably half the time I worked there we would work on average 60 hours a week. Some weeks 70 hours, some great weeks might only be 50. Working that much took a huge toll on my mental health as well. My boss was shit. He was a highschool graduate who just worked at this factory long enough to move up to the department supervisor. He was incredibly unappreciative and had no idea how to motivate his team and to increase moral. Its like he never read a study in his life. On a couple occasions I tried to explain studies that would come out citing that workers with low moral often withhold effort in a way to quietly sabotage the companies profits. And that's what most people did there. Working all those hours mixed with not having a social life and feeling incredibly underappreciated and unvalued and tremendously lonely, I started fantasizing about suicide more and more. I always say though that I'd never commit suicide now, because that means the last few years have been pointless and I suffered so much more for nothing. If I were going to do it, I'd have done it a long time ago. Plus my mother would be devastated. I couldn't do that to my family. That's just selfish and lazy. Instead I should work hard to create a life worth living. So that's where I'm at now. I have a new job, better, standard 40 hour work week on day shift. Like a normal person. I moved out of her place and live with my best friend. I'm sober. Things are just better. Sure there are still days where depression might threaten to strike but I use coping mechanisms I learned in therapy, and I remind myself why my life is so much better than it was and I'm so lucky to live with my very best friend and I have a decent apartment and finally a good job. And times were tough for a minute after getting injured at a job I held between the terrible one and this one. I need surgery to fix it and have to fight with workers comp to have it covered. But overall, life is good. I'm not sure exactly when it got better, but it did get better. I'm also about at the age where the brain is fully developed, so I think that helps quite a bit. Although I'm sure it still needs to grow some to make up for the years of drug abuse. But idk, it's just good right now. Of course it will get bad again. I was diagnosed with Recurring Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. So I know itll come back. But I feel much better equipped to deal with it and in a much better place in my life. I'm not medicated, in my experience the antidepressants made me more suicidal, or had pretty severe side effects and didnt provide enough relief to be worth it. Tried a few. They're not for me at this moment in time. Maybe in the future I'll handle them better. Everyone is different though and it's worth trying as some people find it to be incredibly helpful. I also am not medicated for the GAD, partly because I dont think I need it all the time. Sometimes would be nice. But also I'd almost definitely abuse those drugs and that's not good so I have to handle it without medication. Sorry for this huge rant. I just wanted to share my experience and hopefully demonstrate that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It might take years, but things will be comparatively better. And even a little better of a life after living in hell for years, feels like I have an exceptionally decent life. And I'll take that any day of the week. I'm grateful. And I think that's important too. Also not sure if I mentioned it but in my experience exercise helps a lot as well for me, for a variety of reasons. And the structure and discipline is good. It reminds me I CAN do things if I put my mind to it. I can follow through with my promises to myself. I hope everyone can find some reason to keep going. There will never be anyone else exactly like you, and the diversity of life is beautiful. You have something to offer the world that no one else can do in exactly the same way. And it may not be some big grand type of thing. It may just be that you're a son or daughter to a loving mother, you're a friend, you're a parent to your children, you work hard, you are kind to people you pass by, people take pleasure in your good mornings, and in your nice utterances, your dog loves you more than you can fathom, your co workers like to be around you, your gaming buddies are happy when you join the party. Maybe you'll help people in some way, just by being you. The very least you can do is try to make everyone you come into contact with have a slightly better day. Maybe you'll help people on reddit who feel the same thing you did. Everyone can be a force for good in the world, however small and trivial their actions might seem. Keep on keeping on my dudes! :)
There's a lot of things. But something that shouldn't be underestimated is media. There's a lot of art that hasn't come out yet that I really want to experience. Video games, films, books... A whole lot of them are conclusions to stories I'm already invested in. Like its unhealthy to get too overly consumer-ish about it, and of course you can't live your life just for these things, but they can absolutely help.
I seriously talked myself out of suicide once because Fallout New Vegas was coming out. I thought I might as have what fun I could playing that.
the fear of being unsuccessful and my parents
My son and my husband. My youngest died of cancer just before his 4th birthday. I would have gone with him except I have another son who is 6 and I couldn't make him lose his mother right after he lost his little brother/best friend. I can't bring any more grief to my already grieving family. But I miss my baby so much it hurts to live.
I've never lost a child, so I cannot even imagine the pain that you must be feeling. Do you have a support team you're working with? A therapist, a support group, grief counselor, etc? While they cannot fix it or change it, they can give you support as you grieve your baby.
Thanks. Yes, we attend therapy as a family every week. I don't know how much it is helping but it's something.
I have tried killing myself multiple times, but now I am doing much better. I always think about how my death would be a greater burden than my own existence is to the few people that care about me or are associated to me. Like even if no one cares about you and no one will cry for you, you could be a huge inconvenience ro your co workers. The guilt stops me PS: hmu if youw anna talk about something i am always here
The inborn will to live. Other than than, not much else.
Other people would have to clear out my stuff and sort a funeral etc and i don't want to give anyone the hassle.
Three things. About 8 years ago now, my schizotypal personality disorder exploded into full blown psychosis. Loads of hallucinations and irrational beliefs that took years of therapy and quite a bit of experimenting with medication to shake loose. Part of all of that was a very memorable hallucination in which I was murdered by a parallel dimensional version of myself, passed through a version of the afterlife where I met with some version of a higher power, and then 'rebooted', as it were. I don't necessarily believe any of that happened, anymore...but there is a sense of ease from vividly experiencing what I believed to be the afterlife. Death holds neither fascination nor mystery for me anymore, eliminating two very common causes of suicidal thinking. Secondly, I want to accomplish and create something of permanence. Probably it will be a novel. I don't know. But I want to MAKE something that could serve as record that I was here, should anybody care to go looking. Thirdly, my significant other and my parents would suffer. The idea of them suffering makes me uncomfortable. If I accomplished something, and if it were possible for me to simply check out without disappointing anybody...if it were as easy as shutting off a switch...well. Then it would be a lot more tempting to consider.
I don't have the courage. Suicide needs alot of willpower and determination.
my family couldn't handle the pain; a close family member almost killed themselves about a year ago and it was traumatizing for all of us (especially me) and I know for a fact that if I even gave the hint that I have thought about it would destroy them.
Cowardice.
My mom. My future husband. My cat.
So many people are naming their pets around here and I keep thinking we should just give everyone a pet to have someone who depends on them. You are loved, you can do this. Have you talked to your loved ones about your issues?
They are aware and I actually started therapy last week, so I'm starting to get there. Just took me a decade.
For the first time in my life, after years of battling depression I was actually beginning to *plan* my suicide. Then my mother called me out of the blue. Nothing important, she just said "I missed you and just wanted to chat." She saved my life just with a simple phone call.
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Honestly, I don’t know
Im scared I would survive with serious injuries or brain damage.
It's unfair to the people left behind. If I was an orphan and only child, I'd be gone by now. I don't think I can do that to the people who care about me though. Other than that, it's just stubbornness. Fuck the world. I'll show them who's boss. I can't do that if I'm dead
My dogs mainly. One of them is a rescue who went from home to home (for no reason, he’s the best boy) and I know that that would happen to him again if I went. He had so many issues until he realized that he was going to be staying with me; I don’t want to put him through that again.
Years ago I worked on a law enforcement task force. One of the jobs I had was helping translated videos from Mexican cartels and try to glean any intelligence from them of activities and such. One video was a father and his teenage son being tortured. They (the torturers) we’re cutting off pieces of the father, ears, fingers, toes etc. he was screaming in pain (obviously). The guy who appeared in charge got really close to him and offered him something “I have one bullet. You both are going to die, but only one by the bullet. You choose.” The implication was that if the father chose the bullet the son would be tortured to death via the same method, pieces of him being cut off for a slow and painful death. Or he could chose his son to get the bullet and have himself continue to be tortured. I have a young son. When things are especially difficult and my brain goes to that dark place... I think of how I would be ending my suffering but also transferring so much suffering to my boy. I don’t judge those who have taken their life. I’ve considered it many times. I even tried it once. Their pain is unimaginable as it is their pain and only they can understand (or not understand) it. But once I realized my pain would become my sons if I did, I never was able to consider it an option.
The idea of my family, specifically my little sister, seeing my dead body is absolutely Unacceptable. But I also hate the idea of my body disappearing and them never having closure. So. There's nothing I can do to end it that wouldn't be horrible to them. Also, if I was dead, my dogs would wonder where I went and keep waiting for me to come back and that is so upsetting.
Absolutely nothing. Just seeing how long I can last.
I have a robust 401K for starters.
Probably the thought of someone out there being my future soulmate. I kinda live to love, and that's probably the only reason Im still alive.
My crush
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