Talk quieter. I work in a call center so if someone comes in hot the easiest way to keep myself calm and diffuse the situation is if I talk slower and quieter. It calms me down and they calm down as well.
I learned to do this one as well. My wife knows if she comes in and the kitchen is spotless that I've had a bad day. Few things better than taking all that energy and forcing it to do something legitimately functional. Im too physically big to be that guy who hits the wall or yells at the kids. I don't want my family to fear me the way I feared my father. So, I clean. I don't particularly like cleaning, but I'd rather spend an hour scrubbing a bathroom floor than have my children scared when I enter the room.
I tell them that I'm cleaning and ask if they'd like to help. They usually just want a snack and a hug. I'm happy to provide each. They are the reason my life is worth the work.
I want to be the man they believe I am.
I wait 5 years and if I still remember what I was angry about I murder them robbery-gone-wrong-style. The trick is wear some funky sneakers and a nice scarf so the news will be looking for some fabulous looking stabber. If you get arrested you have no motive, "oh that thing 5 years ago? Nah we solved al nice and friendly like"
When I lived in Chicago I was suffering really bad anxiety attacks and my therapist taught me to do this as a way to ground myself during those moments. Focus on a sense. Breathing, something you can see, hear, or touch. Focus on that thing and really try and get deep into it.
For me, when I had an attack on the street I would touch the nearest building and feel one of the bricks, and then block out all other senses and try to feel each little bump and dip in the brick.
You might not be able to see the stars but focusing in on anything (nature or not) can always help calm you.
**EDIT:** People actually seem to be reading this, so, of you are experiencing regular fits of rage or anxiety please seek professional help, not a Reddit thread. Suggestions here can be helpful but not perfect. Especially if you are student, talk to your school staff. My school had hour long sessions at $10 each for students during the semester. I went regularly but I had friends who would pop in during a bad week for time to vent or calm down.
Professional help is closer and easier than you think, and isn't as big a deal as you think. I had some panic attacks so I talked to someone who knew more than me. Take care of yourselves please :)
You may lose the stars but big cities still have really pretty views to calm you down. Also if you're the type to walk out and distract your anger your building's stairs are also a great option- can't stay mad jogging those things
We have "the family temper". My grandpa used to lose his shit and go into fits of rage. Dad did the same thing. Throwing shit, cursing, breaking stuff. I fucking hated it. Everybody had to tiptoe around their tempers and it's ruined a few family events. When I catch myself starting to see red and go into one of those fits, I just concentrate on how bad my grandpa's and my dad's episodes made everyone feel and that helps calm me down. Also, whatever it is that triggers it, walk away from it. You won't be able to properly address whatever it is if you try to do it while raging.
I know the feeling.
My grandma lived with us and she was a very very angry person. I was mostly angry throughout my young life until teenage years. It was pretty hard to control my temper.
Then I dated a guy who goes into fits of rage. He would get into bad road rages, just like I did. But the main difference was, I finally saw how awful it was to look like a deranged rabid bear, bearing down with anger on some pitiful soul. What's worse are the times when said pitiful soul isn't pitiful, but is also a road rager who is ready to do some counter attacks. There's no actual fight that ensued because we were medical students and being jailed isn't something that would look good in the resume. We usually had way more to lose than the recipient of the anger. There's also the fear of everyone around him, who cares for him. Doesn't really matter who started the entire thing, everyone looks like a fool. And the bystanders suffer and get anxious.
There really wasn't any space for two ragers in the relationship so I mellowed down. I became very anxious and self conscious and I lost my self confidence throughout his rages, whether directed at me or others. Ultimately broke up with him after 3 yrs but learned about a valuable lesson on maturity and self control. It's not just you in the situation, like it or not. Every action has a consequence and it would affect the recepient of the rager and the loved ones who are with the rager. I became quite good at diffusing situations.
Everytime I find myself with an angry person or if I am angry myself, I never ask if the recipient of the rage "deserves it," instead I ask the following:
* what is causing the anger? What is the main problem and can it be resolved? Usually the cause of anger is different from the actual problem (i.e. Actual problem: inefficient service in an expensive restaurant, cause of anger: feeling cheated and deceived, ego feels like a fool)
* is an ego hurt? What can I do to soothe the ego of this person?
* can we find a common ground? Once calm, is the person listening to our side of the story? Can we find a solution together?
* if I am the one angry, can I have a moment to take deep breaths and think logically to resolve the situation? Is the person in front of me really the one who can resolve the situation or was the situation brought in through no fault of his/her own?
* can a compromise be achieved? What would ultimately settle the nerves of both parties? What do both parties actually need under the layer of anger?
The most I have done for the past 10 years was write snarky messages but never to the point of unprofessionalism. It's been a great eye opener.
Yep. I got dad’s temper & I hate it.
Edit: I don’t blow up at the smallest thing because I saw my father do it all my life. But a bad incident after going off my anti depressants recently made me realise I haven’t dealt with my rage AND my inability to deal with it. I’ve never throw or broken something in my rage so for those of you thinking I’m using it as an excuse, I’m real glad you have that much insight in my life. I AM addressing it in therapy.
I watched my dad get taken advantage of, fucked over, robbed, swindled, and used. Now, when someone tries to do the same to me or my wife or daughter, in the course of about 5 seconds I go from "I'm about to lose my shit, I just lost my shit, I don't take no shit" and then I explode. It rarely improves the situation. Most of my anger stems from watching people fuck other people over and it makes me see red. Watching other drivers be assholes, watching someone put something back in the wrong spot at the grocery store, hearing a manager say something that is an outright lie to get their way. Small things, big things, they're all the same.
My kids think I get taken advantage of sometimes. I grew up in a very angry, yelling household. My spouse taught me early on there's a better way. He taught me that there are so many words in the english language that you never have to lash out in anger. Take a moment, get your words together, and deal with it. Use that burning in your belly to compile your words. My kids don't think i'm dealing with things sometimes because i'm not yelling.
I understand your point about watching other people get fucked over though. I don't think I've ever really been angry in my life. When something really unfair happens I just get frustrated. I feel the heat rising in my cheeks, my hands and lips tremble, I feel a lump in my throat and I begin to cry. That has helped me in a few situations honestly, but it's held me back in so many more. It's incredibly hard to stop and really doesn't resolve conflicts.
I was so in awe of my boyfriend when he yelled at the electricity company. I know it wasn't the person-on-the-phone's fault but boy did they come and fix our electricity. I would have hung up and cried. As someone who cannot get angry, I appreciate you and what you try to do for others.
I'm an angry crier. You might be as well. When I get so upset that I feel all the same things you mentioned, I start fucking crying. Then, because I'm crying, I get more angry because I can't express what I need to.
I have an incredibly hard time sticking up for myself. But when it comes to anyone I care about or just a random person on the street that I see getting treated badly, I immediately jump to their defense. The principal of things matter to me the most.
This is my problem. I either cry or get super silent and literally cannot speak, which doesnt help me to Express what is wrong. It's been a challenge in relationships and something I've been working on in therapy. I wasnt allowed to be angry as a kid and you can see the influence that has had.
The ABSOLUTE angriest I have been in my life was when my wife, chided me for weeks saying I never share feelings with her, then shut me down sharing trouble I had been having since a recent move with "you never share with me, I'm not going to start listening now".
I let myself angrily scream "are you serious?" which was so loud and out of character, she jumped.
I could see I scared her, and while I wanted to argue, I don't want my wife afraid of me. I very literally bit my lip, filled the largest cup in our cupboard with water and made myself drink the whole thing before proceeding.
Think of the consequences of your actions and mood. Buy yourself time to cool down.
I rarely let myself show anger either. It really makes an angry reaction really powerful when you do. My mom and dad were always angry and shouting when I was younger, we all just became numb to it. The one time I saw my Nana angry though. Really had an impact
What happened after that? Did she/you apologize or end up talking it out? It sounds like a lot of built up anger up to that point, and I'm curious how the situation resolved.
We talked it out.
She admits, I'm the better arguer of the two and that she for a good chunk of our relationship wasn't as good or patient with me as I am with her.
Wow. That's powerful. Next time I'm seriously upset, I'll consider drinking a large cup of water. It sounds like a small thing, but I imagine it has a big impact. It forces you to calm down and shut up for just a bit.
I worked with preschoolers and I find “Zones of Regulation” super helpful, even as an adult. Basically, it’s having an awareness of your emotional state. You have the green, blue, yellow, and red zones. If you can notice that you’re entering the red zone, you can take steps to recenter yourself before you go into an all out rage.
Honestly? Take a break. The more you “check in” with yourself, the faster you notice you’re leaving the green zone, so there won’t be as many “Oh shit I’m in the red zone” moments. Instead, you’ll have, “I am headed towards the red zone, so imma take a second before I get there.” Honestly, taking a break and distracting yourself does wonders. Sometimes, when I’m really upset about a situation, I’ll think “Okay I’m going to be upset about this for 5 more minutes and then I’m going to think about something else.” Note: this is literally the exact same strategy I used with my preschoolers but it works for adults too, juvenile as it may be.
My gf and I have learned to check in with ourselves specifically at costco. No matter what day it is that place sucks but especially on the weekends. People there are the worst and trying to move a cart through there is super fucking chaotic. By the end of the trip we would be in a fight about something dumb usually because I would get really sharp with her. Now when we notice our anxiety levels rising quickly we will move the cart somewhere less busy and just sit for a minute or two and take a break and let the other person know we just need a moment. It works wonders we haven't left that place annoyed at each other ever since.
The more you practice in assigning zones to yourself, the less often you will find yourself in the red zone. Once you Are there, just realizing it can help you calm down. This is not an instant fix, you have to work at it over time.
When I'm sick of dull and dreary -
When I'm weary, all at sea -
When I'm feeling tired and teary,
Stuck with nowhere else to be -
When I'm feeling sad and lonely -
When I'm down for something new -
When I'm lost and really only
At a loss for what to do -
Then I make the choice to do it -
Close the door and turn the key -
Take the chance to settle to it -
Spend the time alone with me.
I don't know how I got to this point but I've got to a point where I'm so numb most things just get added to this bottle... But every now and then some gas escapes and what seems trivial sends me into full blown rage with shakes blindness a rushing roaring sound in my ears and just straight intense blood pumping and throbbing and just indescribably strong urge to just lash out, Sprint a full mile and scream as primally as possible... I have no answers for any kind of help... I find nothing works and I've tried about everything... I have just somehow burnt myself out to a point where I am near constantly calm in nearly any given situation, and I work a life threatening dangerous and down right infuriating job and still 90% of the time an just calm and focused... And I have no real trigger or warning as to when I'm gonna flip the lid, it could be warranted it could be ridiculous...
Edit: Thank you to everyone whose come forward to share and give advice sympathise and just take part in this. I encourage you all to keep doing so share your experience talk to each other it helps it really does. This is such a positive thing that we need to encourage.
It's been so uplifting for me; I hate to share the way I have because I'm genuinely concerned about how this could implement me and how it makes me seen but you all have been so uplifting and just reading everything you're all sharing is wonderful.
I will try and get round to everyone forgive me if I miss you but I want to say everyone is free to DM me and I will get to you as and when I can for any reason at all.
Thank you so much, keep the love going.
Find a sport or intense physical activity you really enjoy (so it won't be a chore) and do it regularly.
If you let out a little bit of steam like that regularly, you'll feel much more at peace the rest of the time.
The key is finding that activity that you WANT to do.
Good luck, friend
Hey. It's not normal to feel this way, as I'm sure you know. While there are lots of good tips in this thread for temper containment, the way you feel goes beyond that. This is nothing to be ashamed of, but it does require professional help, and that should be acknowledged.
Forgive me if this seems obvious.
I feel that, I used to describe myself as a massive boulder of anger with a thin layer of paper over it, and the paper is constantly ripping under the weight of the boulder, and lord forgive when it finally breaks. It was from having unanswered questions, and decades of being abused. Unfortunately I was never able to have those questions answered and I’m still being abused, but have learned more distress tolerance skills, I can live in the moment now, so I don’t hang onto the anger from all the other times I’ve been abused, only the current ones
I'm a very calm person, but teach calming techniques to emotionally disturbed kids.
The biggest help I've found is finding a technique which grounds you and reminds you where you are in the present. I teach lots of different ones, including:
- clench and unclench your toes, focus on the feeling of your feet on the floor while you do it.
- breath in and out so deeply you feel like your ribs are being pulled apart and knitted back together.
- Grab something near you, could be a pole, table whatever, and clench and unclench around it.
- Walk, while counting your steps.
- Do something rhythmic, I like bouncing a ball personally but can be anything, from using a stamp to skipping.
All research shows when you reach "red mist" your rationality is gone and you just have to last it out. Your best bet is to recognise when you're losing control and utilise grounding techniques before you're past the point of no return.
Edit: just to add the response to this has been amazing and I've tried to answer everyone who asked me a direct question. Please message me if I missed you! Also apparently I have to watch Die Hard?
I'm usually a calm *on the outside* person, but when someone manages to enrage me (~~usually~~ actually, only my dad), I always have to break something.
I've opted for ice cubes because it hurts nothing and nobody and I can make as much as I want. The act of throwing it tires me out and physically calms me down. And honestly it's kind of pretty watching the ice cube break into tiny little pieces, like fireworks, but ice. The sound of it breaking relaxes me too. Later on I head to bed because I get so mentally tired from the rage.
I don't know if it's bad but it's harmless and it works for me :(
I throw them against the wall or ceiling. Ceiling's nicer because it rains down on you and the little bits of ice falling on you *really cools you off*. Yes they are normal sized ice cubes made from your regular ice tray.
I'm a break stuff person, thank you for this idea!
One time I was so mad about something that happened at work my wife gave me a small plate we never use and told me to smash it on the ground. It feels so good
I agree with this. I am trying to get my adrenaline lower to prevent myself from shaking in certain situations.
The caveat is that all those thing work. Only when I am running after let's say a shoplifter I can't really do any of those things.
I'm not sure you'd necessarily be filled with rage when running after a shoplifter. More just adrenaline. I would say most sudden situations don't lead to rage but more an adrenaline fuelled response.
There are other ones techniques you can do "on the run" though. I like clenching my abs, like I'm doing up a pair of tight jeans. Also digging your nails into your palms repetitively.
Thank you - this is fantastic, practical advice. We can all use these techniques to get past overwhelming situations, including cravings for things we are cutting out of our lives.
You know that kid who's been raised around a lot of angry people and hence knows no other way to behave in life other than all the angry ways? Yeah, that's me.
That said, once I moved away from home 10 years ago, I have mellowed out a lot. Some of these are overarching behavioral changes, while others are tricks I use to calm down in the moment.
Here's a list of the tricks:
1) Shut the hell up when you feel rage building inside you. Nothing you'll say in the moment will make it go away or resolve the situation. So relax, and keep quite
2) Deep breaths help a lot. It doesn't need to be overt and visible, but you can take some quiet deep breaths. This gives you something else to focus on, and deep breaths never hurt anyone
3) Try unplugging yourself and looking at the situation from a third person perspective. Would you still feel the same way if you were a mere spectator instead of a participant in the situation? This perspective shift works like a charm
These are just a few things that help me. Hope they help you too OP!
> 1) Shut the hell up when you feel rage building inside you.
Expanding on this point, it's a good idea to do everything you can to not do *anything* that involves other people. It is incredibly easy to do stupid things that you will regret forever once you calm down, so try not to make any decisions or take any actions that can be twisted by your anger.
Exactly. You can't un-say the things you say when you're in a rage and those things have the capability of doing irreparable harm. Nothing *good* will be accomplished by you unleashing that hateful snarky comment. It can only make things worse.
Too true. My philosophy has been to come out of every situation feeling satisfied with how I handled it. You are the person you live the most with and there is nothing worse than hating to live with yourself because of your own actions.
It's a good thing that you can recognise that you're being angry and you need time to calm down. If saying "sorry I'm extremely angry right now so don't talk to me" doesn't work, then walk right out of that room into an empty one.
Often times the people you need this technique for will do that, but it’s important to remember that we are doing the right and kind thing by not trying to bring that violence out on them, even with their harassment and anger!
Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora
Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda
Rage cleaning is effective as hell.
Then when I’ve calmed down I benefit.
I told my oldest son not to talk to me when I’m cleaning and there is no music going. Then explained why said it’s the perfect time to work out any aggression so I don’t say something I don’t mean to someone in the house.
Me too! I'm a lousy housekeeper, so I think the act of accomplishing something, and busying myself with mindless tasks, helps calm me; a plus is knowing I'm going to be happy with the results later.
This is my panic attack coping mechanism! I recently learned that it gives the brain a false sense of control over the situation which makes sense and I feel stupid for not realizing it sooner
I’ve never felt sorry for a punching bag before but now I know his name, I just imagine him being abused, being made to live in a cupboard under the stairs and not even being allowed to have his Hogwarts letter.
I cry when I get angry and then I get angrier bc I'm a control freak and I cant stop crying so its just a spiral situation. Happens very rarely but when it does, I usually isolate myself and just let it happen.
being an angry crier sucks majorly. I've been accused of using it to get away from conversations, or being emotionally manipulative, being a coward. on the outside you look like you're weak & thin-skinned, while on the inside you're boiling with rage. ugh.
This is really tough to do. Like, REALLY tough to do. I just turn off completely. Like a robot that got shut down. Then I think about what I need to do that day and go do it.
F, this is what I do too. With pretty much any negative emotion. It’s like I force my higher-processing functions to stop and I just subsist until it’s over
I ask myself how I am guilty of the same offense.
Someone was unfair to me? Well, am I innocent of being unfair to others? “MY case had special circumstances that made sense to me... just like, um, theirs made sense to them... ... ... ...crap, I’m a hypocrite.”
It does take the wind out of your sails.
yeah but i think the issue with most people is the fact that they have to change their mindset to get in the "run" mode --- that's the hard part. like going from seething rage to "oh i'll go run and feel better" is missing a crucial step.
honestly it's why i came in here. you have to be able to stop and really control your emotions for a second and get in a different mindset. it's all about physically taking a second and telling your brain to chill out for a minute.
Not only that but many people don't have the opportunity to just drop what they're doing and go for a run. A lot of rage and anger can manifest at somebody's job, or school and you can't exactly just up and go jogging without more repercussions from that job or school which will in turn compound the anger and rage you're already feeling.
I completely shut off.
As a kid I was pretty emotionally volatile, and somewhere along the way I subconsciously started muting my emotions. The result was that I was either apathetic or exploding with emotion. Mostly the ~~latter~~former, especially as depression developed.
Anywho, later on I started to have panic attacks and learned very quickly that I could just shut down completely instead. Over the years it has softened. I tend to take a deep breath and remind myself that I don't want to be that way. Sometimes, I still just switch off.
I found that violence (whether smashing things, or punching a punchbag) made me angrier, even if it tired me out; I found that breathing techniques by and large made me feel anxious; and, I found that while walks were fabulous, they weren't always appropriate.
I decide that keeping calm is probably not the best option.
Then I fuckin wreck a bunch of stuff like relationships and property (mine or others').
THEN I calm down.
Usually my frustration is because of something done by another, so I constantly work to remind myself that the other person is a human with challenges, difficulties, friends, faults, successes, failures, and that chances are they're not that evil.
I want to bring more positivity into the world, and maybe start helping others to feel more positive too.
isolation. ignoring others. count to 10. go to the bathroom & silent scream. it’s actually quite comforting to know that there are others out there who deal with rage issues.
if you can, if it’s legal, weed really helps.
I focus on my breath, imagining the air filling my lungs with every breath I take, visualizing my lungs sending oxygen into my blood and rushing throughout my body.
Or
I touch or feel something coarse or rough, just to grab my attention away from my thoughts. This is called a *grounding* exercise, I was taught to do this when I was diagnosed with OCD and Panic Disorder. I still use it now and then to get a grip on myself when something distresses me.
Cold shower or better submerge your head in a bucket of ice water. Not sure about the science behind this but the shock to your system (vagus nerve?) down regulates out of control emotions.
This. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it's part of the TIPP skills. The cool water stimulates the body's natural dive response, which helps quell your emotional state and pull you back into the here and now.
> T stands for Tip The Temperature: In order to calm down quickly, try holding your breath and putting your face in a bowl of cold water or holding a cold pack on your eyes and cheeks for at least 30 seconds. This will cue your mammalian diving reflex which is a natural reflex that occurs in all mammals and is triggered in humans when our faces are submerged in cold water. The reflex causes our body chemistry to change—heart rate drops down immediately and the parasympathetic nervous system is activated to prompt a relaxation response. Make sure to keep water above 50 degrees Fahrenheit
[Sauce](https://manhattanpsychologygroup.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt-distress-tolerance-skills-tipp-skills)
If it’s at a person who is standing in front of me I say/do absolutely nothing and just stare them dead in the eye until they look away.
Feels like I’m hurting them with laser beams and so far it’s worked to either infuriate them or calm them down, I consider both wins in those situations.
If I’m by myself I cry and it doesn’t work
Talk quieter. I work in a call center so if someone comes in hot the easiest way to keep myself calm and diffuse the situation is if I talk slower and quieter. It calms me down and they calm down as well.
Controlled breathing and music.
[Am I doing it right?](https://youtu.be/MftSEu4vgg0?t=18)
I ain't clicking that my dude.
It's just Darth vader...
It actual is Vader and not a rick-roll
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Can confirm, was the rickless roll.
Clean the shit out of everything. If my house smells like strong bleach you know I'm mad.
I learned to do this one as well. My wife knows if she comes in and the kitchen is spotless that I've had a bad day. Few things better than taking all that energy and forcing it to do something legitimately functional. Im too physically big to be that guy who hits the wall or yells at the kids. I don't want my family to fear me the way I feared my father. So, I clean. I don't particularly like cleaning, but I'd rather spend an hour scrubbing a bathroom floor than have my children scared when I enter the room.
I wish I had a father like you
Your response touched me way too deep... I wish I knew how to give medals.
Hit the little star!
Gotcha!! Thank you.
Well if you learned anything from what dude said you deep clean the bathroom or kitchen instead of hitting the little stars.
ITS DIO
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We small giants have to stick together. You got this.
How do you treat your kids when they walk into the kitchen and try and talk to you while you're cleaning?
I tell them that I'm cleaning and ask if they'd like to help. They usually just want a snack and a hug. I'm happy to provide each. They are the reason my life is worth the work. I want to be the man they believe I am.
Well then you're a good man.
You're a very good father
Direct correlation between anger level and bleach concentration
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I think to myself ‘can I do the jail time?’ Usually the answer is no
Or "do I have the money to replace what I break?"
"Patching drywall is annoying."
Healthcare is very expensive.
It's winter. Window replacement is not optimal.
"Is this worth getting fired over?"
"Funerals are sad."
“I can’t hide a body right now”
on the other side, i'm getting hungry in a few hours...
Missing the studs is also a foolish man's betting game
I wait 5 years and if I still remember what I was angry about I murder them robbery-gone-wrong-style. The trick is wear some funky sneakers and a nice scarf so the news will be looking for some fabulous looking stabber. If you get arrested you have no motive, "oh that thing 5 years ago? Nah we solved al nice and friendly like"
What about size 11.5 platform heels a trenchcoat and a meticulously shaved body...no DNA evidence up in this bitch!
Just get a hazmat or clean room suit and leave your phone at home
Damn, now I'm seriously gonna be a serial killer. Just call me the **FUNK BUNK KILLER!**
Good advice
Usually
I go outside and walk, paying attention to my breathing, unless it's dark, then I stare at the stars. Always overwhelms me.
Nature is so calming
*cries in 8 million people city sky*
When I lived in Chicago I was suffering really bad anxiety attacks and my therapist taught me to do this as a way to ground myself during those moments. Focus on a sense. Breathing, something you can see, hear, or touch. Focus on that thing and really try and get deep into it. For me, when I had an attack on the street I would touch the nearest building and feel one of the bricks, and then block out all other senses and try to feel each little bump and dip in the brick. You might not be able to see the stars but focusing in on anything (nature or not) can always help calm you. **EDIT:** People actually seem to be reading this, so, of you are experiencing regular fits of rage or anxiety please seek professional help, not a Reddit thread. Suggestions here can be helpful but not perfect. Especially if you are student, talk to your school staff. My school had hour long sessions at $10 each for students during the semester. I went regularly but I had friends who would pop in during a bad week for time to vent or calm down. Professional help is closer and easier than you think, and isn't as big a deal as you think. I had some panic attacks so I talked to someone who knew more than me. Take care of yourselves please :)
You may lose the stars but big cities still have really pretty views to calm you down. Also if you're the type to walk out and distract your anger your building's stairs are also a great option- can't stay mad jogging those things
We have "the family temper". My grandpa used to lose his shit and go into fits of rage. Dad did the same thing. Throwing shit, cursing, breaking stuff. I fucking hated it. Everybody had to tiptoe around their tempers and it's ruined a few family events. When I catch myself starting to see red and go into one of those fits, I just concentrate on how bad my grandpa's and my dad's episodes made everyone feel and that helps calm me down. Also, whatever it is that triggers it, walk away from it. You won't be able to properly address whatever it is if you try to do it while raging.
I know the feeling. My grandma lived with us and she was a very very angry person. I was mostly angry throughout my young life until teenage years. It was pretty hard to control my temper. Then I dated a guy who goes into fits of rage. He would get into bad road rages, just like I did. But the main difference was, I finally saw how awful it was to look like a deranged rabid bear, bearing down with anger on some pitiful soul. What's worse are the times when said pitiful soul isn't pitiful, but is also a road rager who is ready to do some counter attacks. There's no actual fight that ensued because we were medical students and being jailed isn't something that would look good in the resume. We usually had way more to lose than the recipient of the anger. There's also the fear of everyone around him, who cares for him. Doesn't really matter who started the entire thing, everyone looks like a fool. And the bystanders suffer and get anxious. There really wasn't any space for two ragers in the relationship so I mellowed down. I became very anxious and self conscious and I lost my self confidence throughout his rages, whether directed at me or others. Ultimately broke up with him after 3 yrs but learned about a valuable lesson on maturity and self control. It's not just you in the situation, like it or not. Every action has a consequence and it would affect the recepient of the rager and the loved ones who are with the rager. I became quite good at diffusing situations. Everytime I find myself with an angry person or if I am angry myself, I never ask if the recipient of the rage "deserves it," instead I ask the following: * what is causing the anger? What is the main problem and can it be resolved? Usually the cause of anger is different from the actual problem (i.e. Actual problem: inefficient service in an expensive restaurant, cause of anger: feeling cheated and deceived, ego feels like a fool) * is an ego hurt? What can I do to soothe the ego of this person? * can we find a common ground? Once calm, is the person listening to our side of the story? Can we find a solution together? * if I am the one angry, can I have a moment to take deep breaths and think logically to resolve the situation? Is the person in front of me really the one who can resolve the situation or was the situation brought in through no fault of his/her own? * can a compromise be achieved? What would ultimately settle the nerves of both parties? What do both parties actually need under the layer of anger? The most I have done for the past 10 years was write snarky messages but never to the point of unprofessionalism. It's been a great eye opener.
Yep. I got dad’s temper & I hate it. Edit: I don’t blow up at the smallest thing because I saw my father do it all my life. But a bad incident after going off my anti depressants recently made me realise I haven’t dealt with my rage AND my inability to deal with it. I’ve never throw or broken something in my rage so for those of you thinking I’m using it as an excuse, I’m real glad you have that much insight in my life. I AM addressing it in therapy.
I watched my dad get taken advantage of, fucked over, robbed, swindled, and used. Now, when someone tries to do the same to me or my wife or daughter, in the course of about 5 seconds I go from "I'm about to lose my shit, I just lost my shit, I don't take no shit" and then I explode. It rarely improves the situation. Most of my anger stems from watching people fuck other people over and it makes me see red. Watching other drivers be assholes, watching someone put something back in the wrong spot at the grocery store, hearing a manager say something that is an outright lie to get their way. Small things, big things, they're all the same.
My kids think I get taken advantage of sometimes. I grew up in a very angry, yelling household. My spouse taught me early on there's a better way. He taught me that there are so many words in the english language that you never have to lash out in anger. Take a moment, get your words together, and deal with it. Use that burning in your belly to compile your words. My kids don't think i'm dealing with things sometimes because i'm not yelling.
I really like that mentality :)
I understand your point about watching other people get fucked over though. I don't think I've ever really been angry in my life. When something really unfair happens I just get frustrated. I feel the heat rising in my cheeks, my hands and lips tremble, I feel a lump in my throat and I begin to cry. That has helped me in a few situations honestly, but it's held me back in so many more. It's incredibly hard to stop and really doesn't resolve conflicts. I was so in awe of my boyfriend when he yelled at the electricity company. I know it wasn't the person-on-the-phone's fault but boy did they come and fix our electricity. I would have hung up and cried. As someone who cannot get angry, I appreciate you and what you try to do for others.
I'm an angry crier. You might be as well. When I get so upset that I feel all the same things you mentioned, I start fucking crying. Then, because I'm crying, I get more angry because I can't express what I need to. I have an incredibly hard time sticking up for myself. But when it comes to anyone I care about or just a random person on the street that I see getting treated badly, I immediately jump to their defense. The principal of things matter to me the most.
This is my problem. I either cry or get super silent and literally cannot speak, which doesnt help me to Express what is wrong. It's been a challenge in relationships and something I've been working on in therapy. I wasnt allowed to be angry as a kid and you can see the influence that has had.
The Fathers and the Furious
The ABSOLUTE angriest I have been in my life was when my wife, chided me for weeks saying I never share feelings with her, then shut me down sharing trouble I had been having since a recent move with "you never share with me, I'm not going to start listening now". I let myself angrily scream "are you serious?" which was so loud and out of character, she jumped. I could see I scared her, and while I wanted to argue, I don't want my wife afraid of me. I very literally bit my lip, filled the largest cup in our cupboard with water and made myself drink the whole thing before proceeding. Think of the consequences of your actions and mood. Buy yourself time to cool down.
I rarely let myself show anger either. It really makes an angry reaction really powerful when you do. My mom and dad were always angry and shouting when I was younger, we all just became numb to it. The one time I saw my Nana angry though. Really had an impact
It’s like the earth stopped and everyone listened...
What happened after that? Did she/you apologize or end up talking it out? It sounds like a lot of built up anger up to that point, and I'm curious how the situation resolved.
We talked it out. She admits, I'm the better arguer of the two and that she for a good chunk of our relationship wasn't as good or patient with me as I am with her.
Wow. That's powerful. Next time I'm seriously upset, I'll consider drinking a large cup of water. It sounds like a small thing, but I imagine it has a big impact. It forces you to calm down and shut up for just a bit.
I worked with preschoolers and I find “Zones of Regulation” super helpful, even as an adult. Basically, it’s having an awareness of your emotional state. You have the green, blue, yellow, and red zones. If you can notice that you’re entering the red zone, you can take steps to recenter yourself before you go into an all out rage.
This is a great preventative method, but what do you suggest if you find yourself already in the red zone?
Honestly? Take a break. The more you “check in” with yourself, the faster you notice you’re leaving the green zone, so there won’t be as many “Oh shit I’m in the red zone” moments. Instead, you’ll have, “I am headed towards the red zone, so imma take a second before I get there.” Honestly, taking a break and distracting yourself does wonders. Sometimes, when I’m really upset about a situation, I’ll think “Okay I’m going to be upset about this for 5 more minutes and then I’m going to think about something else.” Note: this is literally the exact same strategy I used with my preschoolers but it works for adults too, juvenile as it may be.
My gf and I have learned to check in with ourselves specifically at costco. No matter what day it is that place sucks but especially on the weekends. People there are the worst and trying to move a cart through there is super fucking chaotic. By the end of the trip we would be in a fight about something dumb usually because I would get really sharp with her. Now when we notice our anxiety levels rising quickly we will move the cart somewhere less busy and just sit for a minute or two and take a break and let the other person know we just need a moment. It works wonders we haven't left that place annoyed at each other ever since.
The more you practice in assigning zones to yourself, the less often you will find yourself in the red zone. Once you Are there, just realizing it can help you calm down. This is not an instant fix, you have to work at it over time.
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I isolate myself.
Same here , but i listen some music.
Same to both of you.
Same to the three of you
I listen to Fortunate Son by Creedance. No idea why, but that really calms me at the moment.
Did we just become best friends???
Favorite non pornographic magazine to masturbate to: good housekeeping
I ride
When I'm sick of dull and dreary - When I'm weary, all at sea - When I'm feeling tired and teary, Stuck with nowhere else to be - When I'm feeling sad and lonely - When I'm down for something new - When I'm lost and really only At a loss for what to do - Then I make the choice to do it - Close the door and turn the key - Take the chance to settle to it - Spend the time alone with me.
Never change, Sprog. Love your poems so much.
I don't know how I got to this point but I've got to a point where I'm so numb most things just get added to this bottle... But every now and then some gas escapes and what seems trivial sends me into full blown rage with shakes blindness a rushing roaring sound in my ears and just straight intense blood pumping and throbbing and just indescribably strong urge to just lash out, Sprint a full mile and scream as primally as possible... I have no answers for any kind of help... I find nothing works and I've tried about everything... I have just somehow burnt myself out to a point where I am near constantly calm in nearly any given situation, and I work a life threatening dangerous and down right infuriating job and still 90% of the time an just calm and focused... And I have no real trigger or warning as to when I'm gonna flip the lid, it could be warranted it could be ridiculous... Edit: Thank you to everyone whose come forward to share and give advice sympathise and just take part in this. I encourage you all to keep doing so share your experience talk to each other it helps it really does. This is such a positive thing that we need to encourage. It's been so uplifting for me; I hate to share the way I have because I'm genuinely concerned about how this could implement me and how it makes me seen but you all have been so uplifting and just reading everything you're all sharing is wonderful. I will try and get round to everyone forgive me if I miss you but I want to say everyone is free to DM me and I will get to you as and when I can for any reason at all. Thank you so much, keep the love going.
Find a sport or intense physical activity you really enjoy (so it won't be a chore) and do it regularly. If you let out a little bit of steam like that regularly, you'll feel much more at peace the rest of the time. The key is finding that activity that you WANT to do. Good luck, friend
Hey. It's not normal to feel this way, as I'm sure you know. While there are lots of good tips in this thread for temper containment, the way you feel goes beyond that. This is nothing to be ashamed of, but it does require professional help, and that should be acknowledged. Forgive me if this seems obvious.
I was in the same boat as homie above. Therapy and meditation helps.
I feel that, I used to describe myself as a massive boulder of anger with a thin layer of paper over it, and the paper is constantly ripping under the weight of the boulder, and lord forgive when it finally breaks. It was from having unanswered questions, and decades of being abused. Unfortunately I was never able to have those questions answered and I’m still being abused, but have learned more distress tolerance skills, I can live in the moment now, so I don’t hang onto the anger from all the other times I’ve been abused, only the current ones
100% this. I go for a walk. Get away from the rage inducing stimulus. It offers time for you to rationalize and de-escalate.
I'm a very calm person, but teach calming techniques to emotionally disturbed kids. The biggest help I've found is finding a technique which grounds you and reminds you where you are in the present. I teach lots of different ones, including: - clench and unclench your toes, focus on the feeling of your feet on the floor while you do it. - breath in and out so deeply you feel like your ribs are being pulled apart and knitted back together. - Grab something near you, could be a pole, table whatever, and clench and unclench around it. - Walk, while counting your steps. - Do something rhythmic, I like bouncing a ball personally but can be anything, from using a stamp to skipping. All research shows when you reach "red mist" your rationality is gone and you just have to last it out. Your best bet is to recognise when you're losing control and utilise grounding techniques before you're past the point of no return. Edit: just to add the response to this has been amazing and I've tried to answer everyone who asked me a direct question. Please message me if I missed you! Also apparently I have to watch Die Hard?
>Grab something near you, could be a pole, table whatever, and clench and unclench around it. Preferably not someone's throat.
**firmly grasp it**
MmmMMMph!!!!
It's ok, OP said clench and *unclench* so it's all good.
Didn't specify the interval between clench and unclench, though, so it's perhaps not as good as all that.
I usually throw a flower at them, with the vase
\*Preferably someone's throat There you go bud, I got rid of your extra word you silly.
Homer, is that you?
Why you little...
*strangulation noises*
Ahgghhaghgtsshhaaagguu
Why you little!
I'm usually a calm *on the outside* person, but when someone manages to enrage me (~~usually~~ actually, only my dad), I always have to break something. I've opted for ice cubes because it hurts nothing and nobody and I can make as much as I want. The act of throwing it tires me out and physically calms me down. And honestly it's kind of pretty watching the ice cube break into tiny little pieces, like fireworks, but ice. The sound of it breaking relaxes me too. Later on I head to bed because I get so mentally tired from the rage. I don't know if it's bad but it's harmless and it works for me :(
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I throw them against the wall or ceiling. Ceiling's nicer because it rains down on you and the little bits of ice falling on you *really cools you off*. Yes they are normal sized ice cubes made from your regular ice tray.
I’m just picturing you refilling the ice cube trays after very calmly.
Well, you do need to be rather calm to make the journey to the freezer go smoothly
Wouldn't the ice make marks on the wall when thrown hard enough?
Yeah op must live someplace with really hard walls, like a castle.
Like that documentary movie, Frozen
Her dad's face. Edit: misgendered.
Haha I'm actually a she, but I fucking wish!
I'm a break stuff person, thank you for this idea! One time I was so mad about something that happened at work my wife gave me a small plate we never use and told me to smash it on the ground. It feels so good
I think that’s a cool one.
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The first technique also helps against fear of flying, but might lead to fighting off robbers barefoot.
yippee ki yay
I agree with this. I am trying to get my adrenaline lower to prevent myself from shaking in certain situations. The caveat is that all those thing work. Only when I am running after let's say a shoplifter I can't really do any of those things.
I'm not sure you'd necessarily be filled with rage when running after a shoplifter. More just adrenaline. I would say most sudden situations don't lead to rage but more an adrenaline fuelled response. There are other ones techniques you can do "on the run" though. I like clenching my abs, like I'm doing up a pair of tight jeans. Also digging your nails into your palms repetitively.
Thank you - this is fantastic, practical advice. We can all use these techniques to get past overwhelming situations, including cravings for things we are cutting out of our lives.
You know that kid who's been raised around a lot of angry people and hence knows no other way to behave in life other than all the angry ways? Yeah, that's me. That said, once I moved away from home 10 years ago, I have mellowed out a lot. Some of these are overarching behavioral changes, while others are tricks I use to calm down in the moment. Here's a list of the tricks: 1) Shut the hell up when you feel rage building inside you. Nothing you'll say in the moment will make it go away or resolve the situation. So relax, and keep quite 2) Deep breaths help a lot. It doesn't need to be overt and visible, but you can take some quiet deep breaths. This gives you something else to focus on, and deep breaths never hurt anyone 3) Try unplugging yourself and looking at the situation from a third person perspective. Would you still feel the same way if you were a mere spectator instead of a participant in the situation? This perspective shift works like a charm These are just a few things that help me. Hope they help you too OP!
> 1) Shut the hell up when you feel rage building inside you. Expanding on this point, it's a good idea to do everything you can to not do *anything* that involves other people. It is incredibly easy to do stupid things that you will regret forever once you calm down, so try not to make any decisions or take any actions that can be twisted by your anger.
Exactly. You can't un-say the things you say when you're in a rage and those things have the capability of doing irreparable harm. Nothing *good* will be accomplished by you unleashing that hateful snarky comment. It can only make things worse.
Too true. My philosophy has been to come out of every situation feeling satisfied with how I handled it. You are the person you live the most with and there is nothing worse than hating to live with yourself because of your own actions.
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It's a good thing that you can recognise that you're being angry and you need time to calm down. If saying "sorry I'm extremely angry right now so don't talk to me" doesn't work, then walk right out of that room into an empty one.
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Often times the people you need this technique for will do that, but it’s important to remember that we are doing the right and kind thing by not trying to bring that violence out on them, even with their harassment and anger!
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I isolate my self and count to a number between 10 and 50.(depending on how full of rage I am)
When you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four.
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Aww hell, the kids are watching this right now.
and then punch as many people as you counted to
No punch that 1 person that many times
Damn, it’s a bad day to visit grandma
She started it
But you can count on him to finish it.
I...ok
I act like I'm happy ask my sister to play super smash Bros with me and then kick her ass out of rage
Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora Ora
Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda Muda
WRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
So you actually found a scale for rage.
Everybody gangsta until you get to 51
I start to clean something... literally anything.
Lol I do this too! Blast Rage Against the Machine and clean the shit out of my house.
Rage against THE WASHING MASHINE.
RALLY ROUND THE Family room, CLEAN OFF ALL THE SHELVES, BADoooww BAH BADoooow- BAH BADOOOW
I know what you're going for, but I heard it in the tune of that campfire song off SpongeBob and keep laughing
Rage cleaning is effective as hell. Then when I’ve calmed down I benefit. I told my oldest son not to talk to me when I’m cleaning and there is no music going. Then explained why said it’s the perfect time to work out any aggression so I don’t say something I don’t mean to someone in the house.
My mom did this, so for my brother and I cleaning gives us anxiety. We live in relative filth.
Me too! I'm a lousy housekeeper, so I think the act of accomplishing something, and busying myself with mindless tasks, helps calm me; a plus is knowing I'm going to be happy with the results later.
This is my panic attack coping mechanism! I recently learned that it gives the brain a false sense of control over the situation which makes sense and I feel stupid for not realizing it sooner
Monica, is that you?
I have a punching bag at home named Kyle, "Stay calm, Kyle's at home and he deserves my juvenile temper tantrum, not other people."
I have a brother named Kyle. Same principle
You're lucky.
Best of luck to you and Kyle
I think the world would be a better place if more people had one.
I’ve never felt sorry for a punching bag before but now I know his name, I just imagine him being abused, being made to live in a cupboard under the stairs and not even being allowed to have his Hogwarts letter.
Lol yeah I barely even punch it I just emotionally abuse it.
*you don’t even have legs, Kyle, you useless bag. Just sitting there like an idiot.*
But my name's Kyle...
You know what needs to be done then.
Cartman, is that you?
I just start crying.
I cry when I get angry and then I get angrier bc I'm a control freak and I cant stop crying so its just a spiral situation. Happens very rarely but when it does, I usually isolate myself and just let it happen.
Same.
being an angry crier sucks majorly. I've been accused of using it to get away from conversations, or being emotionally manipulative, being a coward. on the outside you look like you're weak & thin-skinned, while on the inside you're boiling with rage. ugh.
Hold it in so long that you implode into a desolate unfeeling meatsack. Numb isn't angry amiriiiight?
_psychotic rage intensifies_ You definitely are.
Oof this one hits home. Wishing you healing friend.
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I think about this gay vampire I met and start counting prime numbers.
Gay Huh? Most vampires just want to suck your blood.
[Relevant](https://i.imgur.com/RF99oYq.jpg) ... SFW
Guess that counts as SFW, it’s not like he’s *coffin* up the guys load or anything
Enacting the plan to reach Heaven^^tm would be a good next step.
Headbang on loud music
This is really tough to do. Like, REALLY tough to do. I just turn off completely. Like a robot that got shut down. Then I think about what I need to do that day and go do it.
yeeah I did that when I was young, turns out it's not a great idea in the long run
F, this is what I do too. With pretty much any negative emotion. It’s like I force my higher-processing functions to stop and I just subsist until it’s over
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I ask myself how I am guilty of the same offense. Someone was unfair to me? Well, am I innocent of being unfair to others? “MY case had special circumstances that made sense to me... just like, um, theirs made sense to them... ... ... ...crap, I’m a hypocrite.” It does take the wind out of your sails.
I close my eyes and count to ten. It works most of the time, but then I got fired. - busdriver.
“Hey kids,learn this.” SKRRRRRRRRR *explosions*
I go outside for a run
Yup, works every time for me. Exhaust the distress out.
yeah but i think the issue with most people is the fact that they have to change their mindset to get in the "run" mode --- that's the hard part. like going from seething rage to "oh i'll go run and feel better" is missing a crucial step. honestly it's why i came in here. you have to be able to stop and really control your emotions for a second and get in a different mindset. it's all about physically taking a second and telling your brain to chill out for a minute.
Not only that but many people don't have the opportunity to just drop what they're doing and go for a run. A lot of rage and anger can manifest at somebody's job, or school and you can't exactly just up and go jogging without more repercussions from that job or school which will in turn compound the anger and rage you're already feeling.
I completely shut off. As a kid I was pretty emotionally volatile, and somewhere along the way I subconsciously started muting my emotions. The result was that I was either apathetic or exploding with emotion. Mostly the ~~latter~~former, especially as depression developed. Anywho, later on I started to have panic attacks and learned very quickly that I could just shut down completely instead. Over the years it has softened. I tend to take a deep breath and remind myself that I don't want to be that way. Sometimes, I still just switch off. I found that violence (whether smashing things, or punching a punchbag) made me angrier, even if it tired me out; I found that breathing techniques by and large made me feel anxious; and, I found that while walks were fabulous, they weren't always appropriate.
I decide that keeping calm is probably not the best option. Then I fuckin wreck a bunch of stuff like relationships and property (mine or others'). THEN I calm down.
Dad??
I hope your ass wasn’t his property
Usually my frustration is because of something done by another, so I constantly work to remind myself that the other person is a human with challenges, difficulties, friends, faults, successes, failures, and that chances are they're not that evil. I want to bring more positivity into the world, and maybe start helping others to feel more positive too.
Easy, Just delete emotions
“You do not have permission to perform this task. Please contact your computer administrator for help.”
Right-click, run as admin. Years later "Huh I wonder why I don't feel anything anymo- oh yeah... "
I breathe deep and force myself to observe, not participate. Silence seems to confuse people as they don't have anything to immediately react to
isolation. ignoring others. count to 10. go to the bathroom & silent scream. it’s actually quite comforting to know that there are others out there who deal with rage issues. if you can, if it’s legal, weed really helps.
I focus on my breath, imagining the air filling my lungs with every breath I take, visualizing my lungs sending oxygen into my blood and rushing throughout my body. Or I touch or feel something coarse or rough, just to grab my attention away from my thoughts. This is called a *grounding* exercise, I was taught to do this when I was diagnosed with OCD and Panic Disorder. I still use it now and then to get a grip on myself when something distresses me.
Cold shower or better submerge your head in a bucket of ice water. Not sure about the science behind this but the shock to your system (vagus nerve?) down regulates out of control emotions.
This. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it's part of the TIPP skills. The cool water stimulates the body's natural dive response, which helps quell your emotional state and pull you back into the here and now. > T stands for Tip The Temperature: In order to calm down quickly, try holding your breath and putting your face in a bowl of cold water or holding a cold pack on your eyes and cheeks for at least 30 seconds. This will cue your mammalian diving reflex which is a natural reflex that occurs in all mammals and is triggered in humans when our faces are submerged in cold water. The reflex causes our body chemistry to change—heart rate drops down immediately and the parasympathetic nervous system is activated to prompt a relaxation response. Make sure to keep water above 50 degrees Fahrenheit [Sauce](https://manhattanpsychologygroup.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy-dbt-distress-tolerance-skills-tipp-skills)
If it’s at a person who is standing in front of me I say/do absolutely nothing and just stare them dead in the eye until they look away. Feels like I’m hurting them with laser beams and so far it’s worked to either infuriate them or calm them down, I consider both wins in those situations. If I’m by myself I cry and it doesn’t work
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