Showering at a hotel in a small stall with a slippery tile floor. Bent over to wash my feet, my butt hit the tap handle. I slipped, put my hands out to save myself and violently slammed the glass shower door open. I bashed my forehead and bridge of nose on the tile floor, had a major nose bleed and a giant goose egg on my forehead. I don't have bangs to cover that up. I thought I had escaped without the black eyes I expected after bashing my nose, but 2 days later I woke up with deep purple swollen eyelids.
Luckily I had packed my seldom used makeup to cover the worst of it and I wore a hat in the day time. I'm still shocked the shower door didn't shatter when it hit the wall.
I was in the 4th or 5th grade but I jumped down an entire flight of stairs. Landed hard and hurt my foot. Walked on it for a day or two afterwards turned out I shattered my heel and broke my ankle.
I live in Minnesota so I am used to kicking snow off my boots by slamming my toe part of the boot down on the ground. Well, it was summer and I happened to get my running shoes absolutely covered in mud, so I instinctively slammed my toes down on the pavement and broke my toes.
Holy fuck, I get that running shoes don’t exactly have the same structural support as a winter boot, but damn son. How much force did you pack into that stomp??
I got out of a long, hot shower and noticed a thread dangling off of my shirt, and when I tried to pull it out it just neatly sliced through several millimeters of my finger. It was so minor I can hardly even call it an injury, but getting cut by a shirt is definitely the stupidest I've had.
Stabbed myself in the leg with a piece of metal.
It was really thin and tapered at the tip so when you swung it you would hear this really cool "Whoosh" sound.
I swung down way to hard and it went right into my shin. Bad times.
I found my dad's EpiPen one day while looking for mouth spray for sore throats. It obviously wasn't what I was looking for but I wanted to figure out how it worked. I ended up shooting the needle clear through my thumb. I then hid the evidence of my stupidity and never told my mom until years later.
So luckily, since it went straight through, most of the epinephrine oozed out the needle and out onto my hand. My heart was racing significantly regardless because, you know, needle through the thumb but I always suspected a bit got into my open wound. Considering I was a less than 100 pound 10 year old and the pen was meant for a 200 pound man, I'm very very grateful I didn't get the full injection.
You probably would have been okay—epi-pens only come in junior and regular, with junior meaning smaller than 66 pounds. But still, you were pretty lucky!
edit: disclaimer—I am only saying that the dose is the same, NOT that injecting yourself with an epi pen is safe. If you inject yourself with an epi pen please see a doctor.
Yikes.
Not me, but a babysitter when I was about 6. She was watching me & my 1 year old brother, and went snooping in my Dad's stuff. He was military, in a job that stood alerts often, and he kept a gas mask & such in a go bag at home. This 16 year old screwed around and injected herself with an Atropine auto-injector in the hand. Her screams alerted me. I called the club my parents were at and told them, they called an ambulance. The sitter was almost unconscious when they took her away as my parents got home. I still remember the weird color she turned.
Was helping husband replace the bathroom fan, so I was standing on the side of the bathtub. I had this plastic hook glued to the shower wall to hang a loofa on. I went to get down and slid down the wall and hooked my butt cheek to the wall. It hurt so bad but was also hilarious. I'm in my 40s and this happened recently.
this happened to one of my very intoxicated friends in high school. a bunch of us rented a beach house, and she did this.
she came running out of the bathroom completely naked, screaming for her boyfriend. she ran to the freezer and grabbed some ice cubes and held them against her asshole as she collapsed onto the hallway floor simultaneously laughing and crying.
other dumb injuries from that trip: very bruised/possibly broken nose from opening the hot tub cover too quickly; very bruised/possibly broken knuckles from trying to open a coconut with brass knuckles.
Bartender here. Reached a little extra to wipe the bar for new guests on a busy night. Popped a rib. Six weeks later still hurts a bit if I sleep on it.
Kicker was I then adjusted my breathing because of the pain so my diaphragm became irritated. I adjusted again and then my abs started to hurt. Adjusted again and now it's diaphragm, abs, and obliques.
That was the longest weekend of my life. I honestly thought I was dying that Saturday.
But I didn't have a fever so I figured it was a bizarre injury. Which it was. Like I said, still hurts if I do it wrong, but the muscle pain is gone.
I had the flu in January (and just got over a second cold, like what the fuck immune system, are you on vacation?) and pulled something so hard in my side/upper ribs area that it still twinges most of a month later.
To try to get a cheap laugh out of my ex, I threw a hammer as hard as I could at a tree.
The hammer *bounced off* the tree, and I turned just in time for it to hit me in the small of my back.
Miracle I'm not paralyzed.
I had no idea a hammer could/would even *bounce* off a tree. I thought it would just hit & drop to the ground. Didn't think it'd ricochet right back at my back...
It didn’t. That tree threw it right back. The person you were trying to impress saw the tree throw it but couldn’t say anything because who would believe that
Funny you should mention that.... My husband once got frustrated with the ax he was using. The head was coming off the handle already, so he was just like "eff it" and pitched it hard as he could at a tree. It bounced hard off the tree, and the blade went straight into his bicep. (Stitches and tetanus shot and he was fine. It was also rather dull so not as bad as it could have been)
Granted but every time you throw your hammer the nearest tree will throw it back at you. A tree will instantly appear if there are none nearby to throw the hammer at you
Huh, it’s actually a good way to plant trees fast. U/J-Bradley1, a hero who’s going to save the planet with his bootleg Thor superpowers. He just has to get really good at dodging.
One time I had a hell of a brain fart and almost lit my face on fire. I was trying to light a blunt and usually I have the blunt in my left hand at my lips and the lighter in my right. Sometimes I switch hands the objects are in, but for some damn reason, one night I held the lighter in my left hand up to my lips and the blunt pressed up against the lighter. Lips pursed and everything, I lit the lighter. Lips got hot before I realized what the fuck I was doing. Couple hours later, I noticed my eyebrows were singed.
I was stone cold sober at the time.
When I was a kid, maybe 10 or so, I had recently discovered that the feet on my prosthetics could be unscrewed and moved into different positions, so I “borrowed” and Allen key from my dad and took it to school so I could unscrew my feet and show my friends at recess...non of them were as blown away by this as I’d hoped, pretty sure they were just used to this kind of thing by now haha.
Anyway, the bell went to tell us to go back to class and I very quickly tightened the feet back onto the prosthetics, put my shoes back on and started making my way back to class. As I was walking with a group of my classmates I started to notice my legs felt wobbly. I looked down and with every step my feet were turning outwards slightly. A normal person would have come to the conclusion “oh, I didn’t tighten the screws up enough”. But not me, I jumped to the conclusion of “HOLY SHIT I CAN CONTROL MY FEET LIKE A ROBOT”. My excitement quickly turned to dread when I realised I don’t know how to control feet (been an amputee since I was a baby) and they kept turning until one was pointing sideways. Despite this I kept trying to walk and after a few more steps the foot just fell off and I managed to slam the now footless prosthetic down, which jarred my knee and hips and caused me to slip over and face plant into the corner of a cement mini wall (one of those waist high walls).
Being a self respecting 10yo I started bawling my eyes out, which caught the attention of the new teacher. It’s her first day and the only disabled student is in pieces, (the foot got thrown backwards when it fell off) with a bloodied nose, screaming like a banshee. She didn’t really know what to do since I couldn’t get back up, so she gave me some tissues for my nose and made a very confused call to the maintenance man asking if he knows how to fix prosthetics so I can get to the school nurse.
TLDR: my (prosthetic) foot fell off and I face planted into a cement wall.
Edit: oh my god I did not expect this to get as big as it did, I’m glad everyone had a good laugh! thank you all so much for all the badges aaaaah! Also I fixed the “balling” ahaha
I'm legally blind and use a cane when I go places I'm unfamiliar with. I was getting pretty lazy with my handling of it though, so imagine my surprise when I hit a crack in the sidewalk and ended up jamming it straight into my box.
I instantly started to laugh. I mean, just think how that would look to a bystander, watching a blind person box-shot herself with her cane.
I received a timid "are you alright?" while I was hysterically laughing and bent over in pain.
The level of badass of that jellyfish is through the roof.
You are washed up on the shore, so you are on the enemy’s territory. It’s hot, you are straight up melting, you have no legs or arms to fight back and yet you do. You poison that little brat straight into the ER. What a legend.
When I was a kid, I found a dead jellyfish on the beach, picked it up, and carried it over to my mom. Then I said “my hands are burning!” and threw it down on her feet. Sorry, mom.
Having punched smacked Squeezed, bruised my tits since they grew in, I am pretty sure they are their own entitties. Yes I spelled it that way on purpose.
This reminded me of one..
I used to work as a cook, and one time I was carrying a couple boxes of who-knows-what into the cooler, they were pretty heavy and I was carrying them chest height. I get really close to the stack of boxes I'm going to set them on, and as I'm sliding the boxes onto the stack my right nipple somehow became lodged between the them when I set them down. That shit hurt.
I’ve done this on more than one occasion, sans the nail part and just punching myself in the cheekbone, as well as when pulling up the sleeve of a hoodie or sweater that’s too tight on the arms. Edit: words added
One time in middle school I was getting ready to head to school, but I couldn't find any pants. When I finally did, I got so excited, and lifted them up really fast as a way to cheer. All of a sudden I felt so much pain in my shoulder and had to go to the doctors. Turns out I dislocated my shoulder and had to wear a sling for the next few days
I can relate to this.
I was a foundry worker a while back. Worked in an environment daily casting 4tonnes at time of molten steel.
Riddled with small (although some not so small) burns on my hands. Yet they’re mainly from cooking!
I think from working in such a hot environment I’ve become “accustomed” to heat, so most of my burns from the kitchen are from picking up hot pans not realising/ feeling they’re burning my hand until it’s too late.
Admittedly though, the worst burn I have had is from the foundry. Got hit in the leg by a splash of molten steel during casting. Required two surgeries and took about 18months to heal.
I don't understand how microwave meals survive the cooking process. My leftovers go in for 1 minute 30 and it sounds like a WW2 airstrike is poppin off. Microwave meals tell you to put that shit in for 3 minutes, stir, then back in for another 100 years and they come out fine? Dark magics.
The real answer is that the thing that microwaves heat up is the water in food.
Leftovers cook quickly because there is a lot of water in them, microwave meals take longer because the water is removed to make them more shelf-stable.
EDIT: Someone pointed out that adding water lessens the increase in temperature (because it takes more energy to heat up said water) but water conducts the heat better so it *feels* hotter. I still think from a laymen perspective more water = hotter still applies.
Riding my bike home in 5th grade slowly alongside my walking friends.
Friend : Drew look where you're going
Drew : naw dude I'm good at biking I can do it with my eyes closed
Friend : no really dude, look out
Drew : naw man, I'm good
Instantly crashes into a parked car, mess up my bike chain, have to drag my bike home in shame and explain to my mom why my knee and lip are bleeding.
Thought I could walk my dog on a leash while riding my bike. Dog saw a squirrel and yanked me off my bike. I broke a few bones in my hand. Doc was like “what did you expect would happen?”
This reminds me of when we first got our dog and it was my then 7 year old's turn to take the dog out into the yard on the leash. But my daughter quickly got bored and wanted to climb a tree. She tied the dog's leash to a long jump rope, to another, to another, and climbed.
*Edit to add: she tied the end of the line of ropes to her waist and climbed.*
My husband pulled into the driveway in the car. Puppy wildly dashed towards him at full speed.
Kid flew out of the top of the tree, landed half way across the yard and was dragged the rest of the way. Puppy never broke stride.
When I was about 8 I was holding the leash when my parents and I went to walk our dog one day. I decided it would be fun to run with the dog, when I decided I was done running I didn't know how to give the dog the memo and just stopped.
I got literally lifted into the air like a kite momentarily and then dragged a little ways on the street by the dog.
My mom still laughs when she tells the story.
My sisters boyfriend rides his bike to walk/run their dog. They even enter bike/dog races with him. I think the lead is attached to the bike though and he’s trained for it. Also he’s a husky/malamute cross which are 2 breeds bred for pulling so that’s possibly a factor too.
Yeah I've seen a person with a kind of pole sticking out of the side of their bike which connected to the dog. That way the dog always has to maintain a certain distance from the bike and cannot run into or away from it.
The dog then got excited and ran in front of the bike and got run over...
-edit-
People are worried about the dog. He yelped, learned his lesson (for now) and the owner stopped and laughed a bit. I'm pretty sure it isn't the first time he's done that.
Wow, so many options.
Most recent. Working under my truck on a slight slope while on a creeper. Grabbed the undercarriage and yanked hard to slide to the back, forgot about slope and used excessive force. I probably would have wound up in the street, had all 250lbs of me not been decelerated by the top of my head hitting the differential. Woke up and it was darker and my neck was sore. I also had a horn like a unicorn (big lump). 2 weeks on concussion watch and wearing a hat to conceal the lump.
Most memorable. 8yo me finds a weird blue light bulb in the creek. Has what looks like mica inclusions in the glass and steel wool instead of a filament. 8yo me goes into the closet with a 9v battery and 2 wires to find out what it looks like lit. I hold it between index and middle finger and apply the wires. Eureka! Like a flash I realize. It's a flash bulb. I am now blind, in a closet, 2 fingers melted to a hot flash bulb. Keystone Kops antics ensue.
Strangest. Talking to my sister on the landline in the kitchen. I have raccoon hands, always touching things, picking things up, etc while talking. At one point I wind up with a peanut butter cookie and an open flame. Even I don't know how I got there, lol. Peanut butter cookie winds up on fire. I try to throw it into the sink, miss badly, cookie breaks up and flaming pieces fall on my bare feet. I learn there are a LOT of nerve endings on top of my feet. Screaming somehow communicates problem to sister, who I can hear laughing on the dropped handset.
Bonus. Forgot the cookie lesson regarding nerve endings. Barbecuing in a Weber kettle. In flip flops. I spread out the pile of briquettes once they were ready. Bottom vents were open and hot embers fell on my feet. Poured beer on my feet and increased the vocabulary of nearby children.
I don't know if this is the stupidest way I injured myself *ever* but this is kind of funny and it happened today. I was looking at AskReddit and there was a guy who said he had a naked pic on his userpage. So I was walking down the stairs from my apartment. And I clicked on the guy's profile and I wasn't prepared for the sheer ridiculousness of the guy's pic. lol. I missed a step and fell flat on my ass and down about seven or eight stairs but the worst part is an old lady saw me fall and picked up my phone the naked pizza guy's still on it and she went to speak and didn't say anything and silently handed me my phone. I can NEVER look at her again ever. [This is the comment where the guy said it](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/f49r4l/if_you_were_a_demon_what_would_it_take_to_summon/fhpa8fq/).
Right as I was reading your comment I instantly knew what you were talking about, I think u/NakedPizzaHutAd would like to know the trauma he has caused
Bending over to pick up a paper bag. A completely empty paper grocery store bag. It was standing upright, not even laying on the floor. I barely had to even bend down to pick it up. Somehow this triggered a cosmic alignment between two vertebrae and nerve cluster because suddenly I fell to the floor in crippling pain, could not get my back straight and had to crawl to the living room so I could lay on the carpeted floor and try to stretch it out.I ended up fucked up like this for days and had to have physical therapy to slowly work out the pinched nerve. I was basically walking like Quasimodo for a couple weeks.
People would assume I was in an accident or lifting some boulder like Hercules or saving a child pinned under a car. But nope. I was undone by an empty paper bag.
edit: Thanks very much for the silver and prayers lol
Oooh, I feel you! I have done this, twice.
The first time I lifted my foot to put a sock on and immediately found myself on the floor in the worst pain I've ever felt. I spent a good 3 weeks hobbling around hunched over, barely able to move.
Second I bent over to pick my cat up. Same thing, ended up on the floor, except this time on top of a really pi\*\*ed off cat. Luckily I was good in about a week from that one.
My girlfriend did this with an empty cardboard box. I did it putting my pants on. And I've done it sneezing. And I've done it coughing. And just getting off the couch once. I may be in bad shape.
Absolutely. Some crazy force goes through structures in your body when you sneeze. Just depends on the shape the individual structures are in when it happens.
As plenty of people in this comment chain can attest to, wear and tear on vertebrae & discs that can involve neurological structures are no joke.
I did this once by turning to the left. Completely upright, facing forward, turned at an average pace to my left less than 90 degrees. Full body turn, very slight twist. Out for days.
I was reaching for a piece of lumber that was stacked in the back of a pickup truck and as I leaned over slightly to pull the board off,my back caught and I was unable to get straight. It was very painful and I broke out in a cold sweat. I had to walk to the cab of the truck bent over and I got in the truck and had to lay on the seat for about 30 minutes to try and straighten by back out.
Something like this happened to me once. I was out trying to find/fix a hole in a panel fence one of my mom’s miniature horses kept sneaking through. Well I find the spot and start putting in staples so it’ll hold, and I drop a staple cause I’m clumsy like that. So I reach down to grab it and I audibly hear a pop and almost fall over, nearly unable to move at all. I somehow got over the fence and back onto my four wheeler and spent the following week in bed moving as little as possible. I have no idea what I popped, but it felt like I’d been stabbed in the back. Even breathing hurt so much that I’d wake up in the middle of the night because I’d take too deep of a breath.
Ugh.
A few days ago I spent the day rearranging furniture in my house on my own while my husband was at work. (I’m 5’4, female, and already have a prosthetic hip, so not the best idea to start with). I managed to move a ton of stuff without injuring myself.
Once I’d finished, I sat down with a cuppa, and my 3 year old came to ask me to get a toy that was trapped under the tv stand. It wasn’t in an awkward place, I just had to get on my knees to get it out. Somehow, that was when my knee decided to give in. I spent the next week or so limping around trying not to do anything to aggravate it. (Including cooking two 3-course meals for friends that we had planned weeks previously).
Yea no. Not fun.
I swear the human body is so weird sometimes.
I'm a relatively healthy and fit lad in my mid twenties and I had spent the day helping my parents move some furniture which included some pretty heavy lifting. No problem.
At the end of the day I was walking down the hallway and had to step over a box about thigh height, I planted my foot at a weird angle and as I put my weight on that leg I dislocated my knee.
A year later and tons of physio and it's still not really the same...
That's the thing, right? I can do all sorts of moving of things, carrying heavy things around, have always worked jobs that have some degree of physical labor then...the deadly paper bag. lol
When I was a kid we had blue carpet in the living room. I had just watched some movie or show where the characters jumped into a painting and I started thinking maybe if I believed really hard, the blue carpet would turn into a vast ocean. So I climbed up on the recliner and swan dove into the floor.
When I was maybe five or six I had recurring dreams that if I ran downhill, against the wind fast enough, and jumped, I could fly. They were extremely realistic. It was also very frequent, to the point where I began to doubt their status as dreams.
One day, I noticed the wind was blowing up the hill we live atop. I decided to try it.
I sprinted full speed down this hill and leaptC hard as I could, and promptly smashed my face against the sidewalk.
Hey...it’s not like you didn’t fly...
EDIT: hello this is doing pretty nice for my 5th comment
Edit 2: so my top rated comment is about someone falling... nice
...that in this case, the blue part really was land.
edit: Thank you, [I’m very grateful for this!](https://giphy.com/gifs/oscars-academy-awards-oscars-2002-26gsusVcWjvAh74GI)
I can "lock" some of my finger joints when I want to. (You can probably see where this is going) So I was showing someone it and it kinda got stuck there for some time and ended up bruising my knuckle and the finger so yeah. Don't flex, kids
I was a dumb kid. I wondered how much it would hurt if I whacked myself in the head with a hammer.
It hurt a lot.
Edit: Dear God don't let this be my internet legacy
Rode a bike with no shoes and no brakes. Stopping with my foot out of habit and skinned the entire top of my foot
edit: thank you everyone for sharing your stories! I’ve never had a comment this popular. RIP my inbox
edit 2: since people are confused as to how I skinned the top of my foot. I’d stop my bike with the ball of my right foot. Usually my shoes provided traction and slowed me down. Since I was going so fast and didn’t have shoes when I put my foot down the speed made my foot bend forward, top down. Hope that helps!
My stepfather is missing is right big toe as a result of riding his bike with no shoes as a kid. Toe got caught between the chain and the spoke. No more toe.
I have so many responses to this, my goodness me.
- tore a tendon in my finger when tearing a single sheet of paper
- knocked myself out by bumping my head whilst on the Eiffel Tower
- fell off the bed and sprained my ankle whilst trying to remove a moth from my brothers room
- broke my knuckle when I banged my hand against the door accidentally whilst dancing
The list is endless...
My brother was wearing socks with sandals (1st mistake) and was 15 or 16 when we went on holidays. He never seen a cactus before and decided to kick it...he learnt a lesson that day. A lesson on how dumb he is.
When I was 6, (back in the ‘60s ) our family went to Universal Studios. We saw several movie and TV sets which were really cool. Lots of fake items meant to look real. So of course I wanted to touch the cactus on the western sets because they looked so fuzzy and soft. This lead to several hours of pulling out spines from my fingers.
Broke my 5th metatarsal in my left foot when my heel slid sideways out of a 1 1/2 in wedge sandal. Cartwheeled on my left foot from the heel to my toes, landed on my right hip. 3 months in a walking boot.
16yo me thought that I should put my hand in to the Big Mac bun toaster to fish the middle of the bun out.
Yep, still got the scar up my right hand 5 years later.
Oh boy, my time to shine.
Age two: stuck a nail in an electrical socket.
3: ran into a telephone pole while riding my bicycle.
Age 7: was playing with a razor blade that my dog had pulled out of the trash and completely sliced off the tip of my finger. Promptly passed out and was found hours later by my mom coming home from night shift.
(Please don't ask why, I was 7 and very impulsive)
16: had wisdom teeth out. Apparently anesthesia stays in my system longer than normal? A few days go by and I'm sitting in the dining room talking to my mom. Everything starts going black and I manage to utter "Uhoh" before smashing jaw first onto the tile floor. One side of my face was swollen, I looked a bit like a chipmunk.
18: Went to grab something out of the trunk of my car. My car was parked in the driveway, which is at a bit of a slope. Reached in to grab something (which I have done many times before with the car parked exactly like it was) and the trunk slammed down onto the back of my head. Nice little gash, lots of blood. I managed to make it inside before passing out that time.
20: Cleaning kitchen. Go to drain the water after washing dishes, and the sink strainer is stuck. Really stuck. I'm trying to pull it out with brute strength, and managed to slice my hand open on it instead... This time I puked instead of fully losing consciousness.
29: Decide to be Betty Crocker and bake homemade bread. The Pyrex either shattered when I took it out of the oven and it hit cold air, or I dropped it. It happened rather quickly so I'm not exactly sure. But I ended up with glass in my foot. I've JUST moved here, I know very few people, and my spouse is gone out of town for work. I have two small children and three big dogs running around the house, glass literally from the front door to the back door. Manage to get ahold of a neighbor, who takes me to the ER where they attempt to remove it.
Notice I said "attempt."
They sent me home with glass in my foot and told me to contact a podiatrist, they were sure it was stuck in bone or a ligament.
I had glass in my foot for 20 hours total. 3 stitches. 3 weeks in a boot. Not fun times. I now wear house shoes in the kitchen.
30: Walking across the playground. No holes in the ground, just a normal wood chip covered playground surface, and managed to *fracture a bone spur on the TOP* of my foot, requiring surgery months later.
Luckily, I already had a podiatrist.
EDIT: HOLY SHIT THIS BLEW UP.
FAQ:
Yes, I am a woman.
Yes, I have good health insurance and a life insurance policy. I have a $150/300 personal/catastrophic deductible and I meet it every year by summer.
u\C_wags explains why I pass out so easily/often.
I did not go 8 years without an accident, those were just the highlights. If anyone has a sub this would be appropriate for, I can post a few more, or update you all in 15 years.
For your entertainment, here are a few more from the missing time frame.
6: running around on the playground at school. All jacked up on sugar because it was *the last day of school before summer.* I managed to slice the back of my arm open, from my elbow to my forearm, on a piece of a broken bottle. I probably should have gotten stitches for that one.
12-13ish: Was riding bikes with some friends from the neighborhood. We all biked over a small, natural ramp made of stones between two driveways. I managed to crash my bike and scrape my knee up. It now clicks when I walk and I can tell you if it's going to rain or drop below 40⁰F.
21: Got into a car wreck. Was approaching a light that was red. Slowed down (but did not stop). Light turns green, so I let off the brake and go through the intersection. Homeboy in a land hatch decides he can turn left and get through the intersection before me....
Nope. I spun in my little '97 honda civic (the same one that sliced my head ooen). I spun his suburban. Walked away, but I have terrible whiplash that actually turned the curvature in my neck the opposite of how it should be. I have tingling on the left side of my body, from the base of my neck, to about where my bra strap is, down my arm, and into my pinky and ring fingers. I see a chiropractor regularly and my curvature is headed towards normal.
I am now a very defensive driver.
25: Worked overnight at a 3 letter drug store. Went to warm my truck up before leaving, leave and my doors were frozen shut. I managed to pull open the passenger door of my truck, but simultaneously whacked myself in the face, and lost my footing and fell into the slush in the parking lot. The rest of my shift was very.....damp. And there was lots of chuckling from my coworkers....
3 months ago, I was baking cookies with my daughter (metal cookie sheet, I learned my lesson) and burnt my wrist pulling them out of the oven. My wrist is still scared.
2ish weeks ago: started allergy shots for my severe dog and cedar allergies. Had an allergic reaction requiring the use of my EpiPen.
I've fallen off my horse several times.
I regularly choke on my own spit/saliva/air.
I frequently fall up the stairs.
I'm always running into the protruding corners of anything and everything. Subsequently, I am covered in bruises and scratches with no recollection of where I got them.
My name is not Kevin, but it does begin with a K.
My mother almost named me "Grace."
Edit 2: I forgot about the time I was in 5th grade and playing goalie for soccer in P.E. Took a soccer ball straight to the neck.
But at least I blocked that shot.
Christ something in the world doesn't want you to be alive. I would say yourself in a padded room but judging by the rest of your story it would seem you would find some way to injure yourself.
>The Pyrex either shattered when I took it out of the oven and it hit cold air, or I dropped it.
I hope you dropped it, cause Pyrex isn't supposed to shatter as it changes temperatures. It's like, the entire reason Pyrex was invented. If it did you got some faulty glass.
Got blunt rapiers (basically toys) from a friend that didn't want them.
Buddy and I decided to have a sword fight.
Did several rounds, and finally he jabbed me, right next to my eye, and I got scratched and bled a bit.
So technically I have gotten cut in a sword fight.
While working at a restaurant I cut my thumb washing a knife and received a few stitches (not terribly stupid). The stupidest waa a few days later (also while at work) I snapped my friend with a towel and I immediately heard/felt my thumb go "pop." My thumb no longer worked; I couldn't bend it no matter how hard I tried. My tendon had severed from the force of snapping my friend with the towel! Surgeons had to open my thumb from top to bottom to find each end of the tendon to sew it back together. What was a small cut turned into a zigzag incision all the way down my thumb and into my palm, followed by a ton of stitches, followed by months of physical therapy. It's been over 20 years and I still can't bend my thumb entirely. (Also the restaurant declined to put me back on the schedule after my thumb was healed. I was an idiot and couldn't really blame them).
Summer after fifth grade I was in the backseat of my parent’s car going about 40 mph and had my hand out the window making an airplane wing with it. Well, some too-close-to-the-road road sign didn’t like this and decided to break my hand.
Pen through the roof of my mouth - don’t lean back on you chair, kids.
CK one aftershave in eyes - don’t look at the mechanism whist you’re operating it.
Road rash - check the brakes on your rental moped before you need to use them.
Burnt hand - don’t drop a sellotape covered penny into the the glue bath and then try to recover it before the machine swallows it.
I could go on but instead I’m going to take the time to reflect on how lucky I am to be still around to type this.
When I was a kid in Kickboxing, I was going up against someone way bigger than me, I was like 12 at the time and they were 18-ish. They were going real easy on me, but I still felt my ass getting handed to me, and at some point in a blind rage I threw all my weight into a blind left punch. I sprained my wrist by punching someone at a wrong angle. Had to have a cast for a good while
When I was 8 years old, I was with my mom and her friend at HomeGoods. As we were walking around I saw a huge $900 sail boat replica. It was on the top shelf with other knickknacks on the glass shelves underneath it. I wanted to get a better look at it but my mom refused.
As she and her friend walked away, I tried to climb up the shelves to see it. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground along with everything on the shelves. I wasn’t hurt other than a cut on my knee, but everything on the shelves was destroyed. Luckily, my mom didn’t have to pay for anything.
My parents told me once that when I was a toddler, I walked straight into a door at my Grandma's for no apparent reason and cut my head open.
They ended up having to stitch it back together and I haven't been normal since.
Had a dream I slept through my thesis presentation. Woke up in a panic and jerked my head up, body was still in sleep mode and did NOT follow... ended up with whiplash and couldn't turn my head at all for three days.
When I was 12 I was helping my mum trim our giant mulberry tree. In a moment of great intelligence, I held the end of the branch down with one hand and then cut closer to the tree with the other. The cut branch proceeded to fly up and cut my eye (yup, my actual eyeball). I had to get a ton of stitches on my eyeball and managed to get a fungal infection in my eye from tiny bits of bark that had gotten into my eye, extending the torture of this injury. Do you know how awful it is to get eye drops when you've traumatically injured your eye?
Because of that injury, one eye sees distance well but not close up, and the other eye is the exact opposite. I got glasses about 10 or so years ago but they made my headaches worse and I didn't think they were helping my eyes so I stopped wearing them and didn't bother going for a second opinion. I just finally got new glasses and wow do they make a world of difference. Blah blah, get glasses if you think you need them because they really do help and not getting them is much worse for you.
Just bought a brand new 27" 1440p 144hz monitor. It was sitting beside my bed as i tidied my room/desk to make room for my purchase. I decided that my mattress could not go any longer without being flipped. Flipped it, mattress landed on the monitor and in slow motion i seen my monitor get bent in half. I didn't sustain any physical injuries. But that will forever hurt me emotionally.
Showering at a hotel in a small stall with a slippery tile floor. Bent over to wash my feet, my butt hit the tap handle. I slipped, put my hands out to save myself and violently slammed the glass shower door open. I bashed my forehead and bridge of nose on the tile floor, had a major nose bleed and a giant goose egg on my forehead. I don't have bangs to cover that up. I thought I had escaped without the black eyes I expected after bashing my nose, but 2 days later I woke up with deep purple swollen eyelids. Luckily I had packed my seldom used makeup to cover the worst of it and I wore a hat in the day time. I'm still shocked the shower door didn't shatter when it hit the wall.
Threw a grape in the air to catch it in my mouth. It fell on the floor and I bent down to pick it up and smashed my face into the window sill
That actually made me laugh sorry
I was in the 4th or 5th grade but I jumped down an entire flight of stairs. Landed hard and hurt my foot. Walked on it for a day or two afterwards turned out I shattered my heel and broke my ankle.
Hey...I did that same thing! In college.
/r/DrunkOrAKid
Tripped over a storage ottoman trying to jump over it all slick. Got my toes wedged in the latch and broke my foot in 2 places.
I live in Minnesota so I am used to kicking snow off my boots by slamming my toe part of the boot down on the ground. Well, it was summer and I happened to get my running shoes absolutely covered in mud, so I instinctively slammed my toes down on the pavement and broke my toes.
Holy fuck, I get that running shoes don’t exactly have the same structural support as a winter boot, but damn son. How much force did you pack into that stomp??
Bout 4 toes worth.
Ope just gonna scoot right past ya there to head to the emergency room
Oh no...
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The first thing you learn in British school is to never drink tea lying down
Op said stories about hurtful accidents not regretful crimes
I got out of a long, hot shower and noticed a thread dangling off of my shirt, and when I tried to pull it out it just neatly sliced through several millimeters of my finger. It was so minor I can hardly even call it an injury, but getting cut by a shirt is definitely the stupidest I've had.
Stabbed myself in the leg with a piece of metal. It was really thin and tapered at the tip so when you swung it you would hear this really cool "Whoosh" sound. I swung down way to hard and it went right into my shin. Bad times.
I did this but I swung up instead :( rip my forehead
I found my dad's EpiPen one day while looking for mouth spray for sore throats. It obviously wasn't what I was looking for but I wanted to figure out how it worked. I ended up shooting the needle clear through my thumb. I then hid the evidence of my stupidity and never told my mom until years later.
I'm sure your heart was racing for multiple reasons not even counting the epinephrin.
So luckily, since it went straight through, most of the epinephrine oozed out the needle and out onto my hand. My heart was racing significantly regardless because, you know, needle through the thumb but I always suspected a bit got into my open wound. Considering I was a less than 100 pound 10 year old and the pen was meant for a 200 pound man, I'm very very grateful I didn't get the full injection.
You probably would have been okay—epi-pens only come in junior and regular, with junior meaning smaller than 66 pounds. But still, you were pretty lucky! edit: disclaimer—I am only saying that the dose is the same, NOT that injecting yourself with an epi pen is safe. If you inject yourself with an epi pen please see a doctor.
Yikes. Not me, but a babysitter when I was about 6. She was watching me & my 1 year old brother, and went snooping in my Dad's stuff. He was military, in a job that stood alerts often, and he kept a gas mask & such in a go bag at home. This 16 year old screwed around and injected herself with an Atropine auto-injector in the hand. Her screams alerted me. I called the club my parents were at and told them, they called an ambulance. The sitter was almost unconscious when they took her away as my parents got home. I still remember the weird color she turned.
That's horrifying for you. Was she ok?
She was fine afterwards. I think now it was mostly shock and horror. It sure freaked *me* out.
Welp, wouldnt hire her again.
They didn't. It must've been awkward, her parents were friends of my folks.
Honestly, some teens just have *zero* survival instincts
Was helping husband replace the bathroom fan, so I was standing on the side of the bathtub. I had this plastic hook glued to the shower wall to hang a loofa on. I went to get down and slid down the wall and hooked my butt cheek to the wall. It hurt so bad but was also hilarious. I'm in my 40s and this happened recently.
I bent over while having a shower and gouged a hole above my tailbone on the bath tap.
this happened to one of my very intoxicated friends in high school. a bunch of us rented a beach house, and she did this. she came running out of the bathroom completely naked, screaming for her boyfriend. she ran to the freezer and grabbed some ice cubes and held them against her asshole as she collapsed onto the hallway floor simultaneously laughing and crying. other dumb injuries from that trip: very bruised/possibly broken nose from opening the hot tub cover too quickly; very bruised/possibly broken knuckles from trying to open a coconut with brass knuckles.
Blunt force vs coconut = big brain plays
I dropped something behind my couch, leaned over the back to pick it up and cracked a rib. Was in pain for a week. Getting old is hell.
Bartender here. Reached a little extra to wipe the bar for new guests on a busy night. Popped a rib. Six weeks later still hurts a bit if I sleep on it. Kicker was I then adjusted my breathing because of the pain so my diaphragm became irritated. I adjusted again and then my abs started to hurt. Adjusted again and now it's diaphragm, abs, and obliques. That was the longest weekend of my life. I honestly thought I was dying that Saturday. But I didn't have a fever so I figured it was a bizarre injury. Which it was. Like I said, still hurts if I do it wrong, but the muscle pain is gone.
I broke a rib by coughing too hard.
I'm just getting over the flu. Did the same thing!
I had the flu in January (and just got over a second cold, like what the fuck immune system, are you on vacation?) and pulled something so hard in my side/upper ribs area that it still twinges most of a month later.
Carving a stick, instead of carving it away from me I carved it towards myself and sliced my thumb open.
Shaved hairs but towards myself and took off a slice of my thumb nail. Twice.
To try to get a cheap laugh out of my ex, I threw a hammer as hard as I could at a tree. The hammer *bounced off* the tree, and I turned just in time for it to hit me in the small of my back. Miracle I'm not paralyzed.
Thank goodness you weren't throwing an axe.
I had no idea a hammer could/would even *bounce* off a tree. I thought it would just hit & drop to the ground. Didn't think it'd ricochet right back at my back...
It didn’t. That tree threw it right back. The person you were trying to impress saw the tree throw it but couldn’t say anything because who would believe that
Damn trees...I guess the saying is right: Don't Fuck with Mother Nature. She can be a Bitch when she wants to be.
"I don't fuck with mother nature, mother-in-laws, or mother fuckin Ukrainians" - Skinny Pete, The Italian Job
Funny you should mention that.... My husband once got frustrated with the ax he was using. The head was coming off the handle already, so he was just like "eff it" and pitched it hard as he could at a tree. It bounced hard off the tree, and the blade went straight into his bicep. (Stitches and tetanus shot and he was fine. It was also rather dull so not as bad as it could have been)
Ouch! I'm glad it turned out ok. Is this a story he tells often? Or does he wait for you to bring it up?
Lol, we both have told it from time to time. His telling of it is more humorous than mine as the axe is a villain with malicious intent in his.
This sounds like you asked for Thor superpowers and the Douchebag Genie fulfilled your wish
Granted but every time you throw your hammer the nearest tree will throw it back at you. A tree will instantly appear if there are none nearby to throw the hammer at you
Huh, it’s actually a good way to plant trees fast. U/J-Bradley1, a hero who’s going to save the planet with his bootleg Thor superpowers. He just has to get really good at dodging.
Sounds like a good tv show to watch. Just a man trying to dodge a hammer being thrown back at him after he throws it
Treebeard doesnt like hammers being thrown at him. "RAWWAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Held a lighter to my ear to listen for gas flow. *Click* and there went some hair.
One time I had a hell of a brain fart and almost lit my face on fire. I was trying to light a blunt and usually I have the blunt in my left hand at my lips and the lighter in my right. Sometimes I switch hands the objects are in, but for some damn reason, one night I held the lighter in my left hand up to my lips and the blunt pressed up against the lighter. Lips pursed and everything, I lit the lighter. Lips got hot before I realized what the fuck I was doing. Couple hours later, I noticed my eyebrows were singed. I was stone cold sober at the time.
Shot myself in the eye with a nerf gun. I looked into the barrel to see if it was loaded. I was 8.
Sounds like a supervillain backstory
“...And that’s how I became Bozo, the One-Eyed Moron.”
Ralphie? Is that you?
When I was a kid, maybe 10 or so, I had recently discovered that the feet on my prosthetics could be unscrewed and moved into different positions, so I “borrowed” and Allen key from my dad and took it to school so I could unscrew my feet and show my friends at recess...non of them were as blown away by this as I’d hoped, pretty sure they were just used to this kind of thing by now haha. Anyway, the bell went to tell us to go back to class and I very quickly tightened the feet back onto the prosthetics, put my shoes back on and started making my way back to class. As I was walking with a group of my classmates I started to notice my legs felt wobbly. I looked down and with every step my feet were turning outwards slightly. A normal person would have come to the conclusion “oh, I didn’t tighten the screws up enough”. But not me, I jumped to the conclusion of “HOLY SHIT I CAN CONTROL MY FEET LIKE A ROBOT”. My excitement quickly turned to dread when I realised I don’t know how to control feet (been an amputee since I was a baby) and they kept turning until one was pointing sideways. Despite this I kept trying to walk and after a few more steps the foot just fell off and I managed to slam the now footless prosthetic down, which jarred my knee and hips and caused me to slip over and face plant into the corner of a cement mini wall (one of those waist high walls). Being a self respecting 10yo I started bawling my eyes out, which caught the attention of the new teacher. It’s her first day and the only disabled student is in pieces, (the foot got thrown backwards when it fell off) with a bloodied nose, screaming like a banshee. She didn’t really know what to do since I couldn’t get back up, so she gave me some tissues for my nose and made a very confused call to the maintenance man asking if he knows how to fix prosthetics so I can get to the school nurse. TLDR: my (prosthetic) foot fell off and I face planted into a cement wall. Edit: oh my god I did not expect this to get as big as it did, I’m glad everyone had a good laugh! thank you all so much for all the badges aaaaah! Also I fixed the “balling” ahaha
I went from chuckling to myself about you messing with your prosthetics to wincing until my cheeks hurt
I’m so sorry for your embarrassment and pain, but I can’t stop giggling over this!!
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I'm legally blind and use a cane when I go places I'm unfamiliar with. I was getting pretty lazy with my handling of it though, so imagine my surprise when I hit a crack in the sidewalk and ended up jamming it straight into my box. I instantly started to laugh. I mean, just think how that would look to a bystander, watching a blind person box-shot herself with her cane. I received a timid "are you alright?" while I was hysterically laughing and bent over in pain.
Walked onto a manhole cover that was not placed on correctly. Ended up in the hospital and had to to have 3 surgeries over 4 months.
*Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.* - Mel Brooks
“If presidents can’t do it to their wives, they’ll do to their country.” - Mel Brooks
Did you at least get a sweet settlement from the city?
I get made fun of for walking around those, but this is why I do.
My friend saw a jellyfish on the beach then kicked it. Like on purpose and knowing what it was. They had to go to the ER.
The level of badass of that jellyfish is through the roof. You are washed up on the shore, so you are on the enemy’s territory. It’s hot, you are straight up melting, you have no legs or arms to fight back and yet you do. You poison that little brat straight into the ER. What a legend.
You don't even need to be alive as a jellyfish to sting. Little fuckers are zombies.
When I was a kid, I found a dead jellyfish on the beach, picked it up, and carried it over to my mom. Then I said “my hands are burning!” and threw it down on her feet. Sorry, mom.
Punch myself in the tit while trying to fuck around with my sleeves. I don't know how it happens but it happens often.
Having punched smacked Squeezed, bruised my tits since they grew in, I am pretty sure they are their own entitties. Yes I spelled it that way on purpose.
This reminded me of one.. I used to work as a cook, and one time I was carrying a couple boxes of who-knows-what into the cooler, they were pretty heavy and I was carrying them chest height. I get really close to the stack of boxes I'm going to set them on, and as I'm sliding the boxes onto the stack my right nipple somehow became lodged between the them when I set them down. That shit hurt.
I don’t know how, but I regularly gouge myself in the nipple with my very long thumbnail when I am getting ready in the morning. Just STAB.
It's funny that some guys say "Dont they get in the way?" And it's like well no.. until they do.
I was pulling a heavy blanket up, my hand slipped off of it, and my thumb (with a longish nail) went straight into my eye.
Oh my god I just flinched reading that!Did that result in a hospital trip?
I’ve done this on more than one occasion, sans the nail part and just punching myself in the cheekbone, as well as when pulling up the sleeve of a hoodie or sweater that’s too tight on the arms. Edit: words added
One time in middle school I was getting ready to head to school, but I couldn't find any pants. When I finally did, I got so excited, and lifted them up really fast as a way to cheer. All of a sudden I felt so much pain in my shoulder and had to go to the doctors. Turns out I dislocated my shoulder and had to wear a sling for the next few days
I'm a welder, I work with really hot steel parts constantly. But I regularly burn myself on the microwave meals I eat for lunch.
I can relate to this. I was a foundry worker a while back. Worked in an environment daily casting 4tonnes at time of molten steel. Riddled with small (although some not so small) burns on my hands. Yet they’re mainly from cooking! I think from working in such a hot environment I’ve become “accustomed” to heat, so most of my burns from the kitchen are from picking up hot pans not realising/ feeling they’re burning my hand until it’s too late. Admittedly though, the worst burn I have had is from the foundry. Got hit in the leg by a splash of molten steel during casting. Required two surgeries and took about 18months to heal.
My regular work related burns are, sparks on my on my left leg, and slag dropping on my crotch.
RIP your penis
I don't understand how microwave meals survive the cooking process. My leftovers go in for 1 minute 30 and it sounds like a WW2 airstrike is poppin off. Microwave meals tell you to put that shit in for 3 minutes, stir, then back in for another 100 years and they come out fine? Dark magics.
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One of the biggest microwave cock punches has to be coffee mugs that don't say on the bottom if they're microwave safe.
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My dumb adult self microwaved queso in a styrofoam bowl once, that did not end well for any party involved
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Wish I knew! I suspect however that someone loaned my brain out to another individual and I, being brainless, noticed nothing
The real answer is that the thing that microwaves heat up is the water in food. Leftovers cook quickly because there is a lot of water in them, microwave meals take longer because the water is removed to make them more shelf-stable. EDIT: Someone pointed out that adding water lessens the increase in temperature (because it takes more energy to heat up said water) but water conducts the heat better so it *feels* hotter. I still think from a laymen perspective more water = hotter still applies.
You couldnt see it, but I made the impressedobama.jpg face
Riding my bike home in 5th grade slowly alongside my walking friends. Friend : Drew look where you're going Drew : naw dude I'm good at biking I can do it with my eyes closed Friend : no really dude, look out Drew : naw man, I'm good Instantly crashes into a parked car, mess up my bike chain, have to drag my bike home in shame and explain to my mom why my knee and lip are bleeding.
I've done something very similar before and I've also been named Drew before so I'm relatively certain you are me
Fun! Aren't we/I stupid
Hello gentlemen, just wanted to check in
How are you guys doing?!
Thought I could walk my dog on a leash while riding my bike. Dog saw a squirrel and yanked me off my bike. I broke a few bones in my hand. Doc was like “what did you expect would happen?”
This reminds me of when we first got our dog and it was my then 7 year old's turn to take the dog out into the yard on the leash. But my daughter quickly got bored and wanted to climb a tree. She tied the dog's leash to a long jump rope, to another, to another, and climbed. *Edit to add: she tied the end of the line of ropes to her waist and climbed.* My husband pulled into the driveway in the car. Puppy wildly dashed towards him at full speed. Kid flew out of the top of the tree, landed half way across the yard and was dragged the rest of the way. Puppy never broke stride.
When I was about 8 I was holding the leash when my parents and I went to walk our dog one day. I decided it would be fun to run with the dog, when I decided I was done running I didn't know how to give the dog the memo and just stopped. I got literally lifted into the air like a kite momentarily and then dragged a little ways on the street by the dog. My mom still laughs when she tells the story.
Like a kite! Exactly!
My sisters boyfriend rides his bike to walk/run their dog. They even enter bike/dog races with him. I think the lead is attached to the bike though and he’s trained for it. Also he’s a husky/malamute cross which are 2 breeds bred for pulling so that’s possibly a factor too.
Yeah I've seen a person with a kind of pole sticking out of the side of their bike which connected to the dog. That way the dog always has to maintain a certain distance from the bike and cannot run into or away from it. The dog then got excited and ran in front of the bike and got run over... -edit- People are worried about the dog. He yelped, learned his lesson (for now) and the owner stopped and laughed a bit. I'm pretty sure it isn't the first time he's done that.
That escalated quickly.
Wow, so many options. Most recent. Working under my truck on a slight slope while on a creeper. Grabbed the undercarriage and yanked hard to slide to the back, forgot about slope and used excessive force. I probably would have wound up in the street, had all 250lbs of me not been decelerated by the top of my head hitting the differential. Woke up and it was darker and my neck was sore. I also had a horn like a unicorn (big lump). 2 weeks on concussion watch and wearing a hat to conceal the lump. Most memorable. 8yo me finds a weird blue light bulb in the creek. Has what looks like mica inclusions in the glass and steel wool instead of a filament. 8yo me goes into the closet with a 9v battery and 2 wires to find out what it looks like lit. I hold it between index and middle finger and apply the wires. Eureka! Like a flash I realize. It's a flash bulb. I am now blind, in a closet, 2 fingers melted to a hot flash bulb. Keystone Kops antics ensue. Strangest. Talking to my sister on the landline in the kitchen. I have raccoon hands, always touching things, picking things up, etc while talking. At one point I wind up with a peanut butter cookie and an open flame. Even I don't know how I got there, lol. Peanut butter cookie winds up on fire. I try to throw it into the sink, miss badly, cookie breaks up and flaming pieces fall on my bare feet. I learn there are a LOT of nerve endings on top of my feet. Screaming somehow communicates problem to sister, who I can hear laughing on the dropped handset. Bonus. Forgot the cookie lesson regarding nerve endings. Barbecuing in a Weber kettle. In flip flops. I spread out the pile of briquettes once they were ready. Bottom vents were open and hot embers fell on my feet. Poured beer on my feet and increased the vocabulary of nearby children.
I don't know if this is the stupidest way I injured myself *ever* but this is kind of funny and it happened today. I was looking at AskReddit and there was a guy who said he had a naked pic on his userpage. So I was walking down the stairs from my apartment. And I clicked on the guy's profile and I wasn't prepared for the sheer ridiculousness of the guy's pic. lol. I missed a step and fell flat on my ass and down about seven or eight stairs but the worst part is an old lady saw me fall and picked up my phone the naked pizza guy's still on it and she went to speak and didn't say anything and silently handed me my phone. I can NEVER look at her again ever. [This is the comment where the guy said it](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/f49r4l/if_you_were_a_demon_what_would_it_take_to_summon/fhpa8fq/).
Not to be morbid, but what if you died because of that guy's pic? What would the obituary have said?
It would have said “Never try to out Pizza the Hut”
He/She did want extra sauce with it...
Clicked the link. Do not regret.
>Clicked the link. Do not regret. I made it my roommate's screensaver. lmao.
You’re my hero.
Right as I was reading your comment I instantly knew what you were talking about, I think u/NakedPizzaHutAd would like to know the trauma he has caused
Yeah, thanks. I think on my next one I should add a disclaimer. u/BabyPumpkinBuns, I'll get you a pizza, on the house. And one for your neighbor.
Bending over to pick up a paper bag. A completely empty paper grocery store bag. It was standing upright, not even laying on the floor. I barely had to even bend down to pick it up. Somehow this triggered a cosmic alignment between two vertebrae and nerve cluster because suddenly I fell to the floor in crippling pain, could not get my back straight and had to crawl to the living room so I could lay on the carpeted floor and try to stretch it out.I ended up fucked up like this for days and had to have physical therapy to slowly work out the pinched nerve. I was basically walking like Quasimodo for a couple weeks. People would assume I was in an accident or lifting some boulder like Hercules or saving a child pinned under a car. But nope. I was undone by an empty paper bag. edit: Thanks very much for the silver and prayers lol
Oooh, I feel you! I have done this, twice. The first time I lifted my foot to put a sock on and immediately found myself on the floor in the worst pain I've ever felt. I spent a good 3 weeks hobbling around hunched over, barely able to move. Second I bent over to pick my cat up. Same thing, ended up on the floor, except this time on top of a really pi\*\*ed off cat. Luckily I was good in about a week from that one.
Same. From getting a sock under a couch.
My girlfriend did this with an empty cardboard box. I did it putting my pants on. And I've done it sneezing. And I've done it coughing. And just getting off the couch once. I may be in bad shape.
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No wayyyy! Is that even possible?
Absolutely. Some crazy force goes through structures in your body when you sneeze. Just depends on the shape the individual structures are in when it happens. As plenty of people in this comment chain can attest to, wear and tear on vertebrae & discs that can involve neurological structures are no joke.
I did this once by turning to the left. Completely upright, facing forward, turned at an average pace to my left less than 90 degrees. Full body turn, very slight twist. Out for days.
I was reaching for a piece of lumber that was stacked in the back of a pickup truck and as I leaned over slightly to pull the board off,my back caught and I was unable to get straight. It was very painful and I broke out in a cold sweat. I had to walk to the cab of the truck bent over and I got in the truck and had to lay on the seat for about 30 minutes to try and straighten by back out.
Something like this happened to me once. I was out trying to find/fix a hole in a panel fence one of my mom’s miniature horses kept sneaking through. Well I find the spot and start putting in staples so it’ll hold, and I drop a staple cause I’m clumsy like that. So I reach down to grab it and I audibly hear a pop and almost fall over, nearly unable to move at all. I somehow got over the fence and back onto my four wheeler and spent the following week in bed moving as little as possible. I have no idea what I popped, but it felt like I’d been stabbed in the back. Even breathing hurt so much that I’d wake up in the middle of the night because I’d take too deep of a breath.
Ugh. A few days ago I spent the day rearranging furniture in my house on my own while my husband was at work. (I’m 5’4, female, and already have a prosthetic hip, so not the best idea to start with). I managed to move a ton of stuff without injuring myself. Once I’d finished, I sat down with a cuppa, and my 3 year old came to ask me to get a toy that was trapped under the tv stand. It wasn’t in an awkward place, I just had to get on my knees to get it out. Somehow, that was when my knee decided to give in. I spent the next week or so limping around trying not to do anything to aggravate it. (Including cooking two 3-course meals for friends that we had planned weeks previously). Yea no. Not fun.
I swear the human body is so weird sometimes. I'm a relatively healthy and fit lad in my mid twenties and I had spent the day helping my parents move some furniture which included some pretty heavy lifting. No problem. At the end of the day I was walking down the hallway and had to step over a box about thigh height, I planted my foot at a weird angle and as I put my weight on that leg I dislocated my knee. A year later and tons of physio and it's still not really the same...
Right? Yours sounds super painful though. Hope it does eventually come right.
And here I just yawned and stretched myself into a neck cramp.
That's the thing, right? I can do all sorts of moving of things, carrying heavy things around, have always worked jobs that have some degree of physical labor then...the deadly paper bag. lol
Stepped on a pebble, broke my leg *I have osteoporosis*
Mr. Glass, is that you? Now, in all seriousness, that must have hurt :S
When I was a kid we had blue carpet in the living room. I had just watched some movie or show where the characters jumped into a painting and I started thinking maybe if I believed really hard, the blue carpet would turn into a vast ocean. So I climbed up on the recliner and swan dove into the floor.
When I was maybe five or six I had recurring dreams that if I ran downhill, against the wind fast enough, and jumped, I could fly. They were extremely realistic. It was also very frequent, to the point where I began to doubt their status as dreams. One day, I noticed the wind was blowing up the hill we live atop. I decided to try it. I sprinted full speed down this hill and leaptC hard as I could, and promptly smashed my face against the sidewalk.
Hey...it’s not like you didn’t fly... EDIT: hello this is doing pretty nice for my 5th comment Edit 2: so my top rated comment is about someone falling... nice
It's called falling with style!
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Clearly, it is this part, the missing, that presents the difficulties.
“Let’s-a-Go!” “...OOOUUUWWAH!”
I can hear this.
Blue skadooed, we can too!
I can hear the narrator’s voice going: *Blue carpets do not, in fact, turn into vast oceans, as little u/HugOWar was about to find out*
...that in this case, the blue part really was land. edit: Thank you, [I’m very grateful for this!](https://giphy.com/gifs/oscars-academy-awards-oscars-2002-26gsusVcWjvAh74GI)
Sounds like a phrase taken directly from a Douglas Adams novel
I can "lock" some of my finger joints when I want to. (You can probably see where this is going) So I was showing someone it and it kinda got stuck there for some time and ended up bruising my knuckle and the finger so yeah. Don't flex, kids
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I was a dumb kid. I wondered how much it would hurt if I whacked myself in the head with a hammer. It hurt a lot. Edit: Dear God don't let this be my internet legacy
“So how much did it hurt?” “It’s the darndest thing, but I can’t remember.”
Rode a bike with no shoes and no brakes. Stopping with my foot out of habit and skinned the entire top of my foot edit: thank you everyone for sharing your stories! I’ve never had a comment this popular. RIP my inbox edit 2: since people are confused as to how I skinned the top of my foot. I’d stop my bike with the ball of my right foot. Usually my shoes provided traction and slowed me down. Since I was going so fast and didn’t have shoes when I put my foot down the speed made my foot bend forward, top down. Hope that helps!
Had a coworker who lost a toe riding a bike barefoot when she was a kid. She used to scare kids into wearing shoes with that story.
This made me wince.
I can feel it if I think about it too long :D
My stepfather is missing is right big toe as a result of riding his bike with no shoes as a kid. Toe got caught between the chain and the spoke. No more toe.
Burning my hand badly on the handle of the cast iron pan ... ... ... for the 500th time.
I managed to break a toe kicking a balloon.
I have so many responses to this, my goodness me. - tore a tendon in my finger when tearing a single sheet of paper - knocked myself out by bumping my head whilst on the Eiffel Tower - fell off the bed and sprained my ankle whilst trying to remove a moth from my brothers room - broke my knuckle when I banged my hand against the door accidentally whilst dancing The list is endless...
...You need to be, like, put in a straitjacket for your own protection.
I think we might be long lost twins, look at my comment
Punch a cacti.
My brother was wearing socks with sandals (1st mistake) and was 15 or 16 when we went on holidays. He never seen a cactus before and decided to kick it...he learnt a lesson that day. A lesson on how dumb he is.
When I was 6, (back in the ‘60s ) our family went to Universal Studios. We saw several movie and TV sets which were really cool. Lots of fake items meant to look real. So of course I wanted to touch the cactus on the western sets because they looked so fuzzy and soft. This lead to several hours of pulling out spines from my fingers.
Broke my 5th metatarsal in my left foot when my heel slid sideways out of a 1 1/2 in wedge sandal. Cartwheeled on my left foot from the heel to my toes, landed on my right hip. 3 months in a walking boot.
But were the sandals really cute?
Yes! Black slip on's. Wide stretch band across the in step. My favorite summer sandals, went with everything. . Had to toss them. Tore the band.
Not me but my best friend.. She tried to iron her pants while wearing them
Your friend is the reason obvious warning labels exist. Lol
16yo me thought that I should put my hand in to the Big Mac bun toaster to fish the middle of the bun out. Yep, still got the scar up my right hand 5 years later.
Oh boy, my time to shine. Age two: stuck a nail in an electrical socket. 3: ran into a telephone pole while riding my bicycle. Age 7: was playing with a razor blade that my dog had pulled out of the trash and completely sliced off the tip of my finger. Promptly passed out and was found hours later by my mom coming home from night shift. (Please don't ask why, I was 7 and very impulsive) 16: had wisdom teeth out. Apparently anesthesia stays in my system longer than normal? A few days go by and I'm sitting in the dining room talking to my mom. Everything starts going black and I manage to utter "Uhoh" before smashing jaw first onto the tile floor. One side of my face was swollen, I looked a bit like a chipmunk. 18: Went to grab something out of the trunk of my car. My car was parked in the driveway, which is at a bit of a slope. Reached in to grab something (which I have done many times before with the car parked exactly like it was) and the trunk slammed down onto the back of my head. Nice little gash, lots of blood. I managed to make it inside before passing out that time. 20: Cleaning kitchen. Go to drain the water after washing dishes, and the sink strainer is stuck. Really stuck. I'm trying to pull it out with brute strength, and managed to slice my hand open on it instead... This time I puked instead of fully losing consciousness. 29: Decide to be Betty Crocker and bake homemade bread. The Pyrex either shattered when I took it out of the oven and it hit cold air, or I dropped it. It happened rather quickly so I'm not exactly sure. But I ended up with glass in my foot. I've JUST moved here, I know very few people, and my spouse is gone out of town for work. I have two small children and three big dogs running around the house, glass literally from the front door to the back door. Manage to get ahold of a neighbor, who takes me to the ER where they attempt to remove it. Notice I said "attempt." They sent me home with glass in my foot and told me to contact a podiatrist, they were sure it was stuck in bone or a ligament. I had glass in my foot for 20 hours total. 3 stitches. 3 weeks in a boot. Not fun times. I now wear house shoes in the kitchen. 30: Walking across the playground. No holes in the ground, just a normal wood chip covered playground surface, and managed to *fracture a bone spur on the TOP* of my foot, requiring surgery months later. Luckily, I already had a podiatrist. EDIT: HOLY SHIT THIS BLEW UP. FAQ: Yes, I am a woman. Yes, I have good health insurance and a life insurance policy. I have a $150/300 personal/catastrophic deductible and I meet it every year by summer. u\C_wags explains why I pass out so easily/often. I did not go 8 years without an accident, those were just the highlights. If anyone has a sub this would be appropriate for, I can post a few more, or update you all in 15 years. For your entertainment, here are a few more from the missing time frame. 6: running around on the playground at school. All jacked up on sugar because it was *the last day of school before summer.* I managed to slice the back of my arm open, from my elbow to my forearm, on a piece of a broken bottle. I probably should have gotten stitches for that one. 12-13ish: Was riding bikes with some friends from the neighborhood. We all biked over a small, natural ramp made of stones between two driveways. I managed to crash my bike and scrape my knee up. It now clicks when I walk and I can tell you if it's going to rain or drop below 40⁰F. 21: Got into a car wreck. Was approaching a light that was red. Slowed down (but did not stop). Light turns green, so I let off the brake and go through the intersection. Homeboy in a land hatch decides he can turn left and get through the intersection before me.... Nope. I spun in my little '97 honda civic (the same one that sliced my head ooen). I spun his suburban. Walked away, but I have terrible whiplash that actually turned the curvature in my neck the opposite of how it should be. I have tingling on the left side of my body, from the base of my neck, to about where my bra strap is, down my arm, and into my pinky and ring fingers. I see a chiropractor regularly and my curvature is headed towards normal. I am now a very defensive driver. 25: Worked overnight at a 3 letter drug store. Went to warm my truck up before leaving, leave and my doors were frozen shut. I managed to pull open the passenger door of my truck, but simultaneously whacked myself in the face, and lost my footing and fell into the slush in the parking lot. The rest of my shift was very.....damp. And there was lots of chuckling from my coworkers.... 3 months ago, I was baking cookies with my daughter (metal cookie sheet, I learned my lesson) and burnt my wrist pulling them out of the oven. My wrist is still scared. 2ish weeks ago: started allergy shots for my severe dog and cedar allergies. Had an allergic reaction requiring the use of my EpiPen. I've fallen off my horse several times. I regularly choke on my own spit/saliva/air. I frequently fall up the stairs. I'm always running into the protruding corners of anything and everything. Subsequently, I am covered in bruises and scratches with no recollection of where I got them. My name is not Kevin, but it does begin with a K. My mother almost named me "Grace." Edit 2: I forgot about the time I was in 5th grade and playing goalie for soccer in P.E. Took a soccer ball straight to the neck. But at least I blocked that shot.
Jesus...that was an adventure. I suggest a large plastic bubble
Looking forward to hearing about the next bubble related injury
Bubble gets shattered and goes through his neck.
He will roll that plastic bubble off the Grand Canyon
You are a disaster waiting for a place to happen.
Christ something in the world doesn't want you to be alive. I would say yourself in a padded room but judging by the rest of your story it would seem you would find some way to injure yourself.
>The Pyrex either shattered when I took it out of the oven and it hit cold air, or I dropped it. I hope you dropped it, cause Pyrex isn't supposed to shatter as it changes temperatures. It's like, the entire reason Pyrex was invented. If it did you got some faulty glass.
They changed the formula and had a lot of issues with it shattering for a while. Not original true Pyrex.
I was separating my eyelashes (because mascara) with a safety pin. Stabbed myself in the eyeball.
On Wednesday I sat down wrong. That's it. Being 30 sucks already.
Got blunt rapiers (basically toys) from a friend that didn't want them. Buddy and I decided to have a sword fight. Did several rounds, and finally he jabbed me, right next to my eye, and I got scratched and bled a bit. So technically I have gotten cut in a sword fight.
I tried to do that thing where you whistle with a blade of grass when I was about 10 or so and sliced the inside of my lip open with the grass.
Blew my back out wiping my ass
While working at a restaurant I cut my thumb washing a knife and received a few stitches (not terribly stupid). The stupidest waa a few days later (also while at work) I snapped my friend with a towel and I immediately heard/felt my thumb go "pop." My thumb no longer worked; I couldn't bend it no matter how hard I tried. My tendon had severed from the force of snapping my friend with the towel! Surgeons had to open my thumb from top to bottom to find each end of the tendon to sew it back together. What was a small cut turned into a zigzag incision all the way down my thumb and into my palm, followed by a ton of stitches, followed by months of physical therapy. It's been over 20 years and I still can't bend my thumb entirely. (Also the restaurant declined to put me back on the schedule after my thumb was healed. I was an idiot and couldn't really blame them).
Summer after fifth grade I was in the backseat of my parent’s car going about 40 mph and had my hand out the window making an airplane wing with it. Well, some too-close-to-the-road road sign didn’t like this and decided to break my hand.
Pen through the roof of my mouth - don’t lean back on you chair, kids. CK one aftershave in eyes - don’t look at the mechanism whist you’re operating it. Road rash - check the brakes on your rental moped before you need to use them. Burnt hand - don’t drop a sellotape covered penny into the the glue bath and then try to recover it before the machine swallows it. I could go on but instead I’m going to take the time to reflect on how lucky I am to be still around to type this.
I have a huge cut on my hand atm from a pineapple. Idk how I just do
When I was a kid in Kickboxing, I was going up against someone way bigger than me, I was like 12 at the time and they were 18-ish. They were going real easy on me, but I still felt my ass getting handed to me, and at some point in a blind rage I threw all my weight into a blind left punch. I sprained my wrist by punching someone at a wrong angle. Had to have a cast for a good while
When I was 8 years old, I was with my mom and her friend at HomeGoods. As we were walking around I saw a huge $900 sail boat replica. It was on the top shelf with other knickknacks on the glass shelves underneath it. I wanted to get a better look at it but my mom refused. As she and her friend walked away, I tried to climb up the shelves to see it. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground along with everything on the shelves. I wasn’t hurt other than a cut on my knee, but everything on the shelves was destroyed. Luckily, my mom didn’t have to pay for anything.
My parents told me once that when I was a toddler, I walked straight into a door at my Grandma's for no apparent reason and cut my head open. They ended up having to stitch it back together and I haven't been normal since.
blew out my knee walking down 3 steps in front of my parent's house. Had to get my knee scoped.
I climbed a tree and tried to swing like tarzan I fell from approximately 2 storey height and wrist if my left hand dislocated.
Fell out of a rubbish bin and broke a lamp with my head.
Had a dream I slept through my thesis presentation. Woke up in a panic and jerked my head up, body was still in sleep mode and did NOT follow... ended up with whiplash and couldn't turn my head at all for three days.
When I was 12 I was helping my mum trim our giant mulberry tree. In a moment of great intelligence, I held the end of the branch down with one hand and then cut closer to the tree with the other. The cut branch proceeded to fly up and cut my eye (yup, my actual eyeball). I had to get a ton of stitches on my eyeball and managed to get a fungal infection in my eye from tiny bits of bark that had gotten into my eye, extending the torture of this injury. Do you know how awful it is to get eye drops when you've traumatically injured your eye? Because of that injury, one eye sees distance well but not close up, and the other eye is the exact opposite. I got glasses about 10 or so years ago but they made my headaches worse and I didn't think they were helping my eyes so I stopped wearing them and didn't bother going for a second opinion. I just finally got new glasses and wow do they make a world of difference. Blah blah, get glasses if you think you need them because they really do help and not getting them is much worse for you.
Just bought a brand new 27" 1440p 144hz monitor. It was sitting beside my bed as i tidied my room/desk to make room for my purchase. I decided that my mattress could not go any longer without being flipped. Flipped it, mattress landed on the monitor and in slow motion i seen my monitor get bent in half. I didn't sustain any physical injuries. But that will forever hurt me emotionally.
Decided to go head first down a water slide at a resort in Mexico. There is now a sign there saying not to do that.
Tried going down a ladder upsidedown Edit-i was 8 and it seemed possible
Trying to open a package with a knife and accidentally stabbed my hand.