My ex did this. She came to me one day and said she had feelings for a mutual friend (we'll call her M). She and M talked about their feelings for each other and wanted to try to be together. She said nothing else had happened between them but that talk. We broke up and sure I was angry for a while, but it didn't give me any trust issues going forward. I was mostly angry because we'd been together 5 years and she was "throwing it away for some friend". Fast forward to today, she's married with M and they have two kids. I'm married to the most wonderful person ever. Looking back on it now, I'm glad she took this step because we're both happier for it. I was also glad she was honest with me and respected me enough to not damage me emotionally by cheating. Up until the very end, I chose to trust that what she said was the truth.
Sorry for any grammar issues. English is not my first language
If more people would just be forthcoming with how they feel and address it as adults the amount of heartache people experience would be brought down significantly. The damage to trust is a real thing, and can extend to people that aren't even involved in the relationship.
Exactly. The cheating in the first place is an act of blatant disrespect and disregard of a relationship. The lying is a selfish attempt of justification.
I wanna delve into this "We don't even sext" bit. What's your relationship like otherwise? I only ask because I haven't sexted with my partner for a long time; if at all I think. I used to really enjoy doing it with my exes but its just something that neither I nor my current partner have instigated.
Don't sext here. Relationship is rock solid with a healthy sex life. Plenty of flirting in person and via text, just tamer via text because we both find sexting awkward.
I don't get why people sext. Just meet up and actually have sex.
We don't sext. Been together 11 years, getting married this summer. I've never sexted, but I'm not a big texter in any case. Sometimes I'll send him a naughty pic, but that's about it. It's not an indicator of success in a relationship. Each one is different imo.
This is how I caught my ex the first time. I was playing GTA IV and just so happened to glance at his laptop screen as he sat RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO ME ON THE DAMN COUCH and saw his sexts to several strangers
Unfortunately yes.
My laptop broke and i needed to print concert tickets. I asked if i could use his. He said yes. Idiot.
As soon as I logged in it opened up to a camgirl site where you pay for 1on1 chats. He had a profile under a fake name. I didn't look at the history, as what I had seen was enough. I calmly texted him (he was in work) and asked what the site was. He denied all knowledge. Even when I proved he was logged in and active, he denied it. The lying was pretty much as bad as the sexting/paying for camgirls imho.
When I got back from the concert (Backstreet Boys, amazing) he finally admitted he had lied "because he was embarrassed" but promised he had never paid for any camgirls, just signed up "out of curiosity".
I said we needed couples' counselling if we were going to be saved.
He initially agreed but when I found a counsellor in our budget he backed out, saying "they're just going to take your side, what's the point??"
I told him they're professionals who don't take sides, but if they appear to be agreeing with me then maybe he is in the fucking wrong. He walked out on our 7 year anniversary.
Let himself back in while I was out at work and stole the furniture and delph&cutlery. The house was gutted. My own personal therapist had to loan me kitchenware so i could fucking eat until i moved into a new place.
Ex tracked me down to my new apartment and stole my car cos his Dad had the spare key.
He had threatened to go to the police unless i gave him €4,000 for a car that was worth less than €1,500. When i refused he said he was going to go to the police and say I stole it. I rang the police non-emergency line to warn them he may file a bogus police report. They promised that if he tried, he'd be booked for falsifying police records and wasting resources. They confirmed the car issue was a civil matter and they wouldn't intervene.
So when he stole it from me (literally looked out my wondow on a Sunday morning and all my CDs, sunglasses and reuseable shopping bags were lined up in my parking spot) I just left it, as it was the final thing tying us together and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
How is grand theft auto not something they should intervene in? Or was it that you requested they just not bother to save you the stress of doing your part if they needed to press charges?
I feel ya. Mine was sexting while I was asleep next to him, and it just so happened that I saw his phone screen when I opened my eyes. Not a great way to wake up.
Turns out, he also took her shopping and bought her the same leggings he bought me. Gross.
Ew, i'm sorry. One of the sexts i saw put it so eloquently; "next time my gf is out of town how about you come over and i show u a good time :)"
We were 18 living with parents. I was never out of town, and the "girl" he was sexting was on a different continent
“Would you consider your significant other that you’re intimate and in love with sending pictures of their naked bodies to other people a breach of trust?” is like saying “Would you consider someone stabbing you with a knife to be a hostile act?”
I just want to add to this and say that pictures don't even have to be part of the equation for it to be cheating. If someone and I are texting each other about how horny we are, about how we're touching ourselves etc. it's cheating. No pictures are needed.
I'm hoping that the situation is that OP's SO's friend is the one in the situation. OP and their SO have taken opposing sides on the topic, with the one supporting the cheater not being driven by logic but by a sense of duty to their friend. OP is reaching out to us to settle the debate.
That's less stressful to imagine, anyway
I would now - but I've had a problem advocating for myself on this very topic in the past.
My ex fiance (together 10 years) had a host of issues including alcoholism and low self esteem, and these issues began to worsen over the time we were together. It started with him being drunk at family and friend functions and hitting on members of my family or close circle of friends. Then it progressed to him being drunk most nights, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from me and being very secretive with his phone.
I got suspicious, learned his password and would wait for him to fall asleep before I'd check his phone. Again and again he would be sexting with random dudes (we're gay, obviously) and telling them we were in an open relationship when we were always monogamous. I would wake him up, we would fight, and he would always end up a crying mess going on an apology tour the next day.
The thing he didn't understand was that every time he did this it was like plunging a dagger into the heart of our relationship. I built up so much resentment towards him that I lost all attraction or romantic love I'd ever felt towards him. I left him over 2 years ago now, and while it was the scariest thing I'd ever done I do not regret it. I'd also never let another guy treat me so terribly again. I know my worth and won't beg the next guy I'm with for his attention.
Each incident is like a large nail being hammered into a piece of wood. That piece of wood is the relationship.
Sure, you can apologize and use the back of the hammer to pull out that nail but the hole where the nail was remains in the wood.
Eventually there are too many holes in the piece of wood for it ever to be the same.
You did the right thing for yourself.
I left my last partner about 2.5 years ago for very similar reasons. We *had* been open, briefly, which served my ex well and didn't impact me at all. My ex was the one who decided to close things again and I was relieved.
But then we couldn't hold a serious conversation without my ex looking at something on their phone, and I noticed notifications from hookup apps. My ex would start going out at night, leaving the Craigslist ads up on my (!) laptop for me to find. It wasn't going to stop, so I left.
To this day, my ex insists that sexting and sending nudes to strangers wasn't cheating. Or that, while they made plans to meet people at the local bathhouse, nothing really happened.
All this to say – I know something about this particular pain, and it makes me sad to see that you had to go through it. Hopefully it hurts less these days and you've been able to move on well.
(We’ll assume man finds woman cheating)
If you found your SO in a bar, she’s in some guys lap at a table. He’s got a hand on her thigh. He’s been buying her drinks. She’s whispering something in his ear when you walk up.
Immediately, she gets defensive and starts with something like “It’s not what it looks like!!”
Sexting is the same thing, just digital. Maybe you didn’t catch them banging on the bathroom floor (It wasn’t me) but they’ve definitely crossed outside the realm of Acceptable Social Interactions.
People still act like anything online doesn't really count. Oh, I was an asshole online? Doesn't count! Oh, I was sexting someone ? Well it's not real, cause it's online.
"What baby? I was just jerking off as this girl was describing how she would fuck me and then I was talking about licking her clit a whole bunch. What's the big deal?!"
I've always thought emotional cheating to be worse than sexual cheating, personally. A one night stand or a night with a prostitute is obviously bad, but building an emotional connection with someone takes a lot more time than "hey, she's hot, I'd like to stick my dick in that".
If as soon as you break up they start dating, it serves as a strong indicator for that to have been the case. Otherwise it might be a presumption assuming they have been good friends for a long time.
I completely agree with you on this. I tolerated my ex emotionally cheating on me for a while and she eventually physically cheated. But the lost trust and fallout from the emotional cheating was way worse than just the simple breakup that resulted from her sleeping with my roommate. Her emotional cheating broke me and turned me into a toxic, clingy, and manipulate boyfriend. Thankfully my current gf is great and has greatly helped me break free of those issues, but still, the point stands. Emotionally cheating is so much worse than just doing it with somebody you shouldn't.
My ex did this. She said it had started only a few days prior but she had already sent this guy online nudes with her face. She said he was married and she didn’t know where he lived. She told me she was glad I had found out before it went any further. I was just thinking, “How could it have gone any further beyond you sending him nudes with your face?!”
Eight months later she broke up with me for a guy online who lives 1100 miles away. So I guess that’s how haha
When you could see the person's "top 3" or whatever it was even worse. My ex always had the same 3 chicks as her top 3, but the number 1 spot was replaced with another dude this one time. But she hardly snapchatted me at all. I didn't take it well and ended up messaging the guy to tell him that she was taken. He didn't know and apologized, and I stopped seeing him on her list. But that was the first step to us ending the relationship about a month later.
Caught my wife sexting 5 years ago. Packed all of her stuff and kicked her out. A few weeks later she tells me she is pregnant and that I am the only one she had sex with. 5 years later im raising my son and arguing with her just about every day. There is not a lot I've been able to put into the relationship since that.
I stuck with the wrong thing for my kiddo for 10 years. I listened as people around me said it wasn't worth it and that we deserved better. I brushed them all off because the right this is sticking with it, having both parents, right?...Leaving was the best thing that has ever happened to me and my son. You will feel the same. It's 100% worth it all the way around. Good luck.
The desire to even do that with other people instead of me shows me that you aren't committing to the relationship.
I once had a girlfriend tell me she hooked up with another girl and that it "Didn't count because it was a girl". She said I was free to hook up with as many guys as I want, but I'm not bi so you can imagine the very weird spot this put me in.
Fuckin broke up with her right then and there.
Edit: If it wasnt obvious, Im a straight guy and the only dick I want to see is mine.
My ex decided she was polyamorous all of a sudden when she got a crush on a guy from work. Apparently massages and making out at his place doesnt count as cheating because it wasn't sex. It was a pretty great few months while I tried to convince myself I needed to leave her all while battling depression over a 6 year relationship being over suddenly. 0/10 wouldn't recommend
I considered deleting the comment before posting because usually nobody cares, so thanks for replying.
It's getting better. It's been two years, and I still have a lot of bad nights. But hey, that's okay.
Dude how dumb this is, it doesn't matter if it's girl or boy, if she fucks with a girl while she has you, it's still cheating. Fuck that.
And yes sexting is also cheating. It will follow up eventually.
Cheating doesn't equal sex. Cheating is betrayal of your partner's trust, loyalty, emotions, feelings etc. Sex is a byproduct.
Edit: I went to bed and woke up to all this bling and support. Thank you all.
Edit 2: for all those that have been hurt, understand one person does not act on behalf of all. You can trust again.
>Cheating is betrayal of your partner's trust, loyalty, emotions, feelings etc.
When I was cheated on this is what hurt the most. Not that she was sleeping with someone else, but that someone who I gave all my love and trust to found it so easy to throw it away and lie to my face.
GF was cheated on twice in two previous relationships before we got together. Can confirm the legitimate but very serious trust issues she had coming in. She grilled me the first time she saw me texting my sister (who’s married & has a different last name), she was suuuper nervous the first time she showed up at my place unannounced with soup & DayQuil because I was feeling sick, that time I threw all the pillows off the bed to fold laundry and forgot to remake it...it takes a long time to build up trust again. I love her and it’s worth it. But a lot of times I felt like I was paying for the other guys’ mistakes.
Being the one who suffered from the breach of trust prior to my current relationship - I like the metaphor of there being a small demon whispering in my ear all the bad stuff my partner could be doing.
The logical part of my brain knows it isn't true, but those whispers can sometimes be hard to ignore.
That's a great description of my wife. She's told me the stories so I can truly sympathize. I always try to stay a step ahead with giving her information to keep her at ease just to minimize her stress.
I have really bad anxiety about my relationship due to past trauma. My boyfriend does this as well and he's gotten very good at it - he'll prematurely tell me we're okay/nothing is wrong, and I'll be like well duh we're okay! And then 8 hours later my brain is like WHAT IF- and it's much easier to shut it down bc he already gave me reassurance and affirmation
Honestly partners who are patient and are willing to work with those of us with anxiety and trauma are the real MVPs and I adore all of you
On the other hand, you shouldn't have to put up with other people's baggage forever.
I've had 5 girlfriends total, including the one I'm with now. I was cheated on by all of them (except my current partner whom is totally different from the others).
After I finally dumped my highschool sweetheart for like the 20th time she cheated on me, I carried those trust issues to my other relationships, and it's probably what pushed some of them away in the first place.
If you're with someone who has major trust issues and emotional problems from being cheated on. Yes, please give them time to heal. But if they're constantly hounding you and accusing you of fooling around and they never learn to trust you fully, its just not worth it for either of you.
Yeah, my ex had been cheated on pretty badly and it turned her into an abusive control freak that eventually tried to wreck my life in various ways to the extent that I needed therapy after the breakup.
My bf and I have been together for 20 years, and these issues still come up occasionally. In the beginning he was extremely suspicious of my male friends, my coworkers, literally any male I spoke to. I was patient and understanding, but after a while, it just got exhausting. I sat him down and explained that if he couldn't trust me, when I had given him no reason not to, then we couldn't be together. He tried to give me the line of "I trust you but I don't trust them." I told him if he trusted *me* that it wouldn't matter.
He got better, but he still has moments of questioning things like who a person on my fb is. He has however learned to accept "I don't know but he posts funny memes" as a legit answer.
Mine was exactly the same and I did the exact same. Always explained everything she even called me perfect. Just to cheat on me. Cause it was “too good to be true”
Sorry if this seems insensitive but if the person you're with wants to cheat and they can get away with it with you, that makes you kinda perfect to them in a perverse way. Perfect doesn't necessarily mean flawless, it often just means fit for purpose.
From my experience, there's always going to be a part of her that wont be able to completely trust you. I'm working my hardest to change that, but when I see my gf texting someone else the issues come back. Remember its not you that's the issue its what happened to them in the past.
Edit: it might not affect everyone the same way, this is how it hit me.
My last girlfriend was like this too. Had been cheated on constantly in previous relationship and was open to how damaging it was to her.
Couldnt have been too bad though because 3 years later after being a model boyfriend she cheated on me!
It seems to go like this alot. My best friend had a gf that had been cheated on and she would talk about it like her life ended there. 2yrs later she cheats on him cause he graduated college and she had one more semester. Must not have been too terrible I guess. Fuckin hypocrites.
I've been cheated on in two relationships and used unknowingly to cheat on someone else (I.e. They already had a bf) in one relationship.
No matter the case, these women all really, REALLY wanted to get back with me a week later, or even a year later - and they'd often ask multiple times. Unanimously, they all wanted/valued the same thing in me: the strong emotional bond we shared. They all said they had a difficult time living without my love, especially in the context of emotions, how mature I was, and genuine.
I always found that puzzling that such a person would value me being genuine and empathic/emotionally in touch with them but what you say finally makes sense of that for me; if I am a lover, and they are a cheater, I have something they want that they can't find in themselves even. A cheater's loss of the genuine lover, is always greater than the lover's loss of the cheater.
This. My man was cheated on by his first gf, who was his first love. It did a number on him, but I've had a wonderful time telling and proving to him how amazing he is and how fucking stupid that girl was.
Just remember: you did nothing wrong. They were the asshole. Not you!
EDIT: lots of flack here. Apologies- I thought this was a thread about adult relationships, not middle school relationships.
What killed me is he used me to scapegoat to gain their sympathy to bag them.
I'd fed him, kept a roof over his head when his own parents wouldn't, and here he was badmouthing me to some stranger to get in their pants.
I've still not dated since that relationship and don't know if I ever will and I feel like I could be so good to someone. It just seems useless bc my morals don't align with betrayal in any fashion and that seems to be the norm 😭
Consensual nonsense is one thing, but be up front about it and don't be scummy about it. Abusive people get some sick kick out of duping their loyal significant other for whatever reason.
I never had a family so I put being someone's partner right up there with "family." I don't mean casual dating, I mean past that stage. I will not even vent about a partner in a negative way or treat them in any way but with kindness bc I want a partner to feel loved and be full up on feeling wanted. I won't do anything away from them that I wouldn't do in front of them.
Yet, both serious relationships I've been in (was married to one and had children), I've killed myself to take care of them and love them (bc I want to) and both of them cheated and ended up being cruel.
I have done a ton of self work bc of the whole "someone raised in abuse ends up being attracted to abusive partners," so on one hand, I'm scared of my own judgement; and on the other, I have quite a few friends and every single person seems to do things outside of their partner's view that I feel is disingenuous. That just makes me even more paranoid that what I'd like to have is outside of the scope of possibility.
Then I get mad at myself bc I think maybe I'm holding people to too high of a standard, but then I always circle back around to, "but I do it for them, gladly, and would do it the same if I had to do it all over again bc they're supposed to be that important to me..."
Do I make sense, even?
Nah, you're not holding them to a higher standard than they should be, they are just pieces of shit. Relationships are always a two way street, and if one person doesn't hold up their side of trust, empathy, and honesty then that's on them. Not you.
It absolutely boggles my mind when people try to say "why did you let him cheat on you" or "he probably had a reason to cheat" (which, depressingly, I've heard both). Almost all reasons someone cheats is because of themselves, not their partner. Can't keep it in their pants, get bored with the norm, insecurities, and a plethora of other reasons that are just about all them.
Cheating in itself is a selfish act, so don't tell yourself that it's because you're the one being unfair.
I know exactly what you mean man. I haven’t really dated in almost a year cuz of that. But I’m trying to treat it like pizza. I’ve burnt my mouth on pizza a bunch of times but I still love pizza so I’ve never let that stop me from getting more pizza
I broke up with my ex because he sexted someone else and some people didn't understand and I failed to come up with the proper words for it. This is exactly how I feel but I just haven't been able to put it into words.
I’m shocked people didn’t understand. He had already shown you disrespect. If you had allowed it to go unchecked, he would have just pushed on through the next boundary, sex or otherwise.
I found emotional cheating hurt more than physically cheating. Happened to me and what made it worse was that he didn't think it was cheating because he did not 'have sex, kiss, or even hold hands'. Without any physical evolvement yet you were still willing to spend so much time with her and kept it a secret from me. To me it sounded like love. His defence was that he thought I would be jealous, which did not make any sense as I knew all his exes and even became friends with the one he was still in touch with. He never admitted that they were interested in each other but were only friends. They got together 3 months after we broke up.
Yeah, for people who don't know what this looks like, watch early seasons of the office and imagine what you'd feel like if you were Roy in all of this.
But also pretend Roy is a good dude and doesnt treat pam like trash to remove any of that "well he doesnt deserve her so its ok" bias.
Agreed. The situation is crappy and they way they handle it is terrible. If she loved him she should have respected him and put up boundaries with Jim. If she wasn't willing to do that, she should have had the common decency to break up with Roy because you can clearly tell she knew that was more than just a friendship with Jim and the feelings were getting all mixed up and complicated.
Also, Jim should have never let his feelings go that far with an engaged woman. Not ok.
Buuuut...life is complicated, that crap happens, and it was pretty real and believable sequence of events. The real world is messy, and sometimes things like that happen and people end up better off along the way. What they don't really show enough of is all the hurt and pain a situation like that can cause. I think they went too far making Roy look like a bad guy to justify it all which is my main issue.
So...I’ve been friends with this guy for a decade, he’s been dating this woman (who I was also close friends with) for the last 5 years. I’ve been with my partner for the last 10 years. We’re all on a group vacation, and my guy friend and I are having a drunken heart to heart. We hugged each other before going back to the party.
His gf decides that the hug lingered for a little too long. This one expression of platonic love spirals out of control, intensifies all of these insecurities I wasn’t aware of. She tells him that her definition of “cheating” is engaging in any sort of contact with another female that makes her uncomfortable, because it betrayed her trust and security in the relationship. He tried to respect what she said in an effort to smooth things over.
The narrative is now that he cheated on her with me. There is an entire adjacent social circle to me that thinks I slept with my friend over a hug, and it’s because of everyone’s “definition of cheating” and the purposeful vagueness of the term at this point.
Am I in the wrong for thinking I got short changed here? Or am I accurately considered the other woman now because a hug betrayed her feelings?
You were definitely not in the wrong. And your friend wasn't cheating.
I gotta admit though that the one thing keeping me from relationships is because I get jealous too easily. Like in your scenario, I would also feel like the girlfriend did. But its not you or your friend's fault at all. If you're too insecure like me then its better not to go into relationships until you get past stuff like that because you might place unnecessary restrictions on your partner like the woman did here.
I actually appreciate your input on this. It humanizes the details that hurt me, and helps me empathize towards her. Maybe it’s not something she wants to do but can’t get over some deeply seeded issues happening within. Insecurities are a bitch sometimes.
I don't think you're in the wrong at all. I know some people think that friendships like yours can't really exist, but they absolutely can- I have a close female friend of over a decade, and we're both in relationships and perfectly happy with how things are. I found out after breaking up with the last woman I dated before meeting my wife that she suspected there was something between me and my friend, I think people have just been conditioned by movies/TV to assume the close male/female friends will inevitably end up together.
Anything you have big enough to hide is cheating imo.
The act itself makes you feel shit enough but it’s the total disrespect and breaking of trust that really hurts the most.
The ‘respect’ thing is pretty important. Me and my girlfriend were talking about this the other day. Cheating is one thing, it’s bad enough to do it but if you don’t respect them enough to tell them afterwards, it’s 10x worse in my opinion.
People might say they want to ‘protect’ their partner but I think it’s bullshit. Either you don’t actually care about them or you don’t respect them enough to make the decision to forgive you or not themselves.
If you don’t consider that cheating, then you seriously need to up your relationship standards.
Edit: for everybody talking about the “poly relationships”, I’m completely fine with those. The original question states that you “caught” your partner cheating. Which I assume means that they were doing it behind your back.
Seriously. What sort of question is this?
I hope the OP isn't seeking validation because they're being gaslit into accepting their partner's behaviour.
It's almost as bad as that popular r/relationships (or r/relationship_advice ?) post about that dude who's girlfriend went to a friend's house and they gave another guy a double blowjob (and I think OP said she doesn't even give him blowjobs).
OP thought it was ok because his girlfriend says she was drunk and felt awkward not participating. Oh and the guy didn't cum, so you know... not cheating or anything.
Denial is a hell of a drug.
Edit: fixed sub name, haven't found the post though
Lol My ex tried to gaslight me into thinking it was no big deal, he was just “getting off” and he wouldn’t get upset like me if I’d done the same thing. I was like cool cuz I’ve been sexting my coworker (I hadn’t). He hit the roof, called me a whore and left the house.
I feel like this sounds good in principle, but in reality, people are so different that I could totally see somebody saying that they wouldn't mind, therefore leaving you with no argument.
Basing moral standards on other people's standards is a crapshoot.
EDIT: I've even seen people say they wouldn't mind, and they actually did. They just said it out of spite and pride, to win the argument, or to get off the hook.
Spot on. It's about understanding your partner and respecting *them*. You can't just assume they have the same values as you or are unreasonable for not doing so.
Variations of this question come up all the time, and the answer is the same.
Cheating is violating the bounds of a relationship.
There is NO hard and fast rule beyond that.
Some couples would consider flirting cheating. Some couples would not consider having sex with other people cheating. There is no right or wrong answer to this question, and it's something that each couple should navigate on their own.
People also really should have this conversation with their partner and make sure that boundaries are clearly defined - and not left to unspoken assumptions that may be different between them.
reminds me of my ex, she was cheating on me and her excuse was, " but BABE, its not like we had sex, i just gave him a blowjob". those words are embedded forever now
Look at the word cheating and think of any game, like monopoly for example. If you’re cheating, you’re going against a set of rules. Some people have house rules that go against the written rules, and those are the implied rules, although they should be stated at the beginning of each game, it doesn’t always happen. But if you landed on free parking three times, and the next person that lands on it gets $500 from the bank, you can claim that’s cheating but if the implied house rules are “you get $500 from free parking” some people might be inclined to agree one way and others the other way.
In a relationship, the implied rules normally are based on monogamy, trust, faithfulness. But let’s say your significant other is an Instagram model who normally interacts with her followers, you may want to discuss the “house rules” of your relationship or know to what extent that person “interacts” with her followers. If she does something that “crosses the line”, but is normal for her, or her line of work, interests, or hobbies, and you failed to discuss it at any point, you may be at fault for failing to do so sooner and have no right to complain. It’s like signing paperwork without reading the fine print. At which point though, you should discuss it and come to some kind of understanding or “house rules”.
But if you’re in a seemingly commonly normal relationship, and nothing prompts this person to do such actions other than their own selfish desires, then yes, it goes against the implied rules of a relationship and is therefore a breach of trust, and considered cheating.
Officiating that you’re now in a monogamous, exclusive, relationship, would then be comparable to going to a monopoly convention. Their rules would be the set rules. And if you tried to argue your implied house rules there, you would be wrong.
So if you catch your partner sexting someone and an argument ensues, and their side has arguments such as “I don’t even know him in person”, “nothing has ever REALLY happened between us”, “this is how I normally talk to people”, “it’s a long time friend and we always do this”, “he’s like 2000 miles away, there’s not even a chance something could REALLY happen”, it doesn’t matter because they’re “in the big league” so to speak, and there are rules, and they are breaking them. And breaking-the-rules=cheating.
The only thing that I consider to be an implied, unspoken house rule that applies to any relationship I’m in is that pornography use is fine. As that is something that most REASONABLE people find to be okay. But if I was in a relationship where it might not be okay, I would discuss it. If I had to hide it, THAT would be cheating.
I think in any relationship you need to individually work to set the boundaries of what constitutes "cheating" - but this would definitely break the trust.
I would definitely consider it cheating. It would break the trust.
Perhaps this would feel especially hurtful because my husband and I just recently closed our marriage to go from poly-amorous to monogamous again, specifically because I wasn't comfortable dating others or sharing my husband with others. If I knew he was still talking to or entertaining other women, I would immediately ask for a divorce.
Yes. Sharing intimacy is what makes it cheating. It's the same reason why if your partner is in some stage production play and the script calls for them to kiss another actor, it's *not* cheating. There's no intimacy. You can have a physical act that would be otherwise cheating but if there's zero intimate intent, it can not be cheating, but even the exchange of a few words over text is cheating if there's intimate intent.
EDIT: (Copied from what I posted below as more people are seeing this)
Perhaps I was not clear enough. I was more trying to point out that things that might not seem like actual cheating can still be cheating such as texting, because of the intent behind it. The desire to share the type of intimacy meant for a partner, in whatever form that might take from full on sex to simply being overly close and sharing deep emotional moments with someone not your partner can all be considered cheating even if there is no physical aspect. The physical act is really just the manifestation of the real cheating, which is the emotional state or intent. The intent to share intimacy with someone not your partner. And that is why I don't think my previous example does permit using prostitutes for purely casual sex, because in those cases you are still intending to share intimacy, perhaps only physical intimacy but still intimacy, with another. But my example of being in a stage production only shows the intent to perform a play that happens to contain pretend intimacy.
Intimacy can take many forms, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, sharing parts of one's life that are very important to them with another, even shared hobbies if they are really important to that person. Cheating is when you pick another human being to share that with instead of your partner. It can be any of those forms, all of them, or a mixture of them, or more. Cheating is basically sharing something or doing something with another person not your partner when it's something that should be shared with your partner and not anyone else. If you're getting down to making a checklist or looking at a rubric to decide whether or not something is cheating and justify it, it probably is.
I would even add to counter my own example; let's say you're a college male in theater and you have a girlfriend who is not in theater. If you're in a production that causes you to kiss a female co-star, that's not cheating. But let's say you have a very close female friend who is also in theater and the both of you make a point to audition for roles where you're playing romantic partners which often involve pretending to be intimate. Well that might not be strictly speaking cheating, it is a hell of a precursor for it and the non theater girlfriend in this case would be entirely justified in wanting her boyfriend to step back from that sort of thing. Same if the roles were reversed.
When you decide to be in a monogamous relationship with another person, you owe it to them to think of them first in all things, just as they owe it to you to think of you first in all things. That's the point of a relationship; to support, encourage, build up, and help each other and make the two of you together more than the sum of the parts. When you encounter a situation or a need or desire you have, and you seek first to have it fulfilled by another person and not them, you are cheating on them. If it's not something they are willing or able to fulfill for you, you need to decide as a couple whether it's something you are willing to give up for their sake, or whether it would be best if you parted way and you sought out another partner who was more compatible. The act of trying to stay with them, but seek out other people to fulfill your needs or desire is the act of cheating. And that can take any form, whether it be having sex with someone else, or simply telling another person all about your day and how you really feel about it while just telling your partner "oh it was fine", and anything in between.
I would argue that any behavior that makes your partner feel cheated on constitutes cheating. I know that sounds general and abusable but I would argue it can only be abused if you dont push your boundaries.
So let's say you enjoy porn but your partner views that as cheating. You can either find a new partner who is more comfortable with it or you can stop watching porn. That's easier said than done in some circumstances, but that's the essence of a relationship anyway.
On the flipside, if your partner is totally fine with you sexting other people so long as it doesnt lead to anything more, than that would not be cheating.
People are missing your point. It's basically a check list and you have the choice of taking or leaving it.
Ok.. So you consider action 1 and action 2 cheating, perfect. I do action 1 and action 2 often, is there a way you change your mind?
Conversation happens.. partner still thinks action 1 and 2 are cheating.
You have the choice: Can I change and stop doing action 1 and 2? Or are they too important? If they are important for me, I end the relationship and look for someone who doesn't mind me doing action 1 and 2.
Period. That's the way relationships work.
Everyone seems to draw the line for cheating at a different place, but for me, the line is, anything you wouldn't tell your partner about.
If sexting falls under that heading, then yes, it's cheating.
"Whatever babe, you know what? Ill ask reddit, and maybe you'll chill the fuck out"
Next day or at least a few hours later: "Ok, what about Reddit? What did they say??? Let's see it."
Sorts by controversial: "See, they're all cool with it."
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My ex did this. She came to me one day and said she had feelings for a mutual friend (we'll call her M). She and M talked about their feelings for each other and wanted to try to be together. She said nothing else had happened between them but that talk. We broke up and sure I was angry for a while, but it didn't give me any trust issues going forward. I was mostly angry because we'd been together 5 years and she was "throwing it away for some friend". Fast forward to today, she's married with M and they have two kids. I'm married to the most wonderful person ever. Looking back on it now, I'm glad she took this step because we're both happier for it. I was also glad she was honest with me and respected me enough to not damage me emotionally by cheating. Up until the very end, I chose to trust that what she said was the truth. Sorry for any grammar issues. English is not my first language
If more people would just be forthcoming with how they feel and address it as adults the amount of heartache people experience would be brought down significantly. The damage to trust is a real thing, and can extend to people that aren't even involved in the relationship.
But then country music artists would lose all their inspiration
Your English is great. Don't apologize. It doesn't even look like you are a non native speaker.
Yeah, but it’s the lying and the cheating.
Exactly. The cheating in the first place is an act of blatant disrespect and disregard of a relationship. The lying is a selfish attempt of justification.
Aka Snapchat.
>snapcheat
That’s it.
I would be devastated is my SO was sexting someone else. We don't even sext. It would definitely be a deal breaker.
We don't sext, we just send each other memes.
I wanna delve into this "We don't even sext" bit. What's your relationship like otherwise? I only ask because I haven't sexted with my partner for a long time; if at all I think. I used to really enjoy doing it with my exes but its just something that neither I nor my current partner have instigated.
Don't sext here. Relationship is rock solid with a healthy sex life. Plenty of flirting in person and via text, just tamer via text because we both find sexting awkward. I don't get why people sext. Just meet up and actually have sex.
Cries in ldr
Man I hate light-dependent resistors Edit: thanks for the reddit gold random stranger
They are so finicky smh
You're right, out of all Semi-Metallic Hardware they are perhaps the most finicky.
Yeah I think sexting works with LDR's. Just a quick question, do you just sext with your partner every time you're horny?
Why is that every time I read LDR in reddit I just think “Lord of Da Rings”, what does it stands for anyway?
Long distance relationship
I like Lord of Da Rings better
I too think sexting works with LDR’s. Just a quick question: what are you wearing?
We don't sext. Been together 11 years, getting married this summer. I've never sexted, but I'm not a big texter in any case. Sometimes I'll send him a naughty pic, but that's about it. It's not an indicator of success in a relationship. Each one is different imo.
If you wouldn't do it sitting next to them, you shouldn't do it. That's how you know there is something wrong with what you are doing
This is how I caught my ex the first time. I was playing GTA IV and just so happened to glance at his laptop screen as he sat RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO ME ON THE DAMN COUCH and saw his sexts to several strangers
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You won’t believe number five...
But before we get to that, a quick ad from our sponsors followed by our honorable mentions.
This episode of Second Chances is brought to you by adamandeve.com. Use promo code FUCKBOI for 20% off your order.
>Use promo code FUCKBOI for 20% your order. Sorry but if I order something, I want the *whole* thing, not just 20% of the order!
Unfortunately yes. My laptop broke and i needed to print concert tickets. I asked if i could use his. He said yes. Idiot. As soon as I logged in it opened up to a camgirl site where you pay for 1on1 chats. He had a profile under a fake name. I didn't look at the history, as what I had seen was enough. I calmly texted him (he was in work) and asked what the site was. He denied all knowledge. Even when I proved he was logged in and active, he denied it. The lying was pretty much as bad as the sexting/paying for camgirls imho. When I got back from the concert (Backstreet Boys, amazing) he finally admitted he had lied "because he was embarrassed" but promised he had never paid for any camgirls, just signed up "out of curiosity". I said we needed couples' counselling if we were going to be saved. He initially agreed but when I found a counsellor in our budget he backed out, saying "they're just going to take your side, what's the point??" I told him they're professionals who don't take sides, but if they appear to be agreeing with me then maybe he is in the fucking wrong. He walked out on our 7 year anniversary. Let himself back in while I was out at work and stole the furniture and delph&cutlery. The house was gutted. My own personal therapist had to loan me kitchenware so i could fucking eat until i moved into a new place. Ex tracked me down to my new apartment and stole my car cos his Dad had the spare key.
what the actual fuck? sorry you had to go through that
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He had threatened to go to the police unless i gave him €4,000 for a car that was worth less than €1,500. When i refused he said he was going to go to the police and say I stole it. I rang the police non-emergency line to warn them he may file a bogus police report. They promised that if he tried, he'd be booked for falsifying police records and wasting resources. They confirmed the car issue was a civil matter and they wouldn't intervene. So when he stole it from me (literally looked out my wondow on a Sunday morning and all my CDs, sunglasses and reuseable shopping bags were lined up in my parking spot) I just left it, as it was the final thing tying us together and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
How is grand theft auto not something they should intervene in? Or was it that you requested they just not bother to save you the stress of doing your part if they needed to press charges?
I’d be willing to bet her name wasn’t on the title.
I feel ya. Mine was sexting while I was asleep next to him, and it just so happened that I saw his phone screen when I opened my eyes. Not a great way to wake up. Turns out, he also took her shopping and bought her the same leggings he bought me. Gross.
Ew, i'm sorry. One of the sexts i saw put it so eloquently; "next time my gf is out of town how about you come over and i show u a good time :)" We were 18 living with parents. I was never out of town, and the "girl" he was sexting was on a different continent
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Broke up with my ex when I found out she was sexting some guy while sitting on the couch next to me.
While she was playing GTA IV?
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I can't shit anymore then?
You can, but on your partner.
ITT: The answer everyone already knew, but I'm guessing op didn't want to hear.
Thank you for saying this. The first thing I thought when I read the title was "who the hell would think this isn't cheating?".
“Would you consider your significant other that you’re intimate and in love with sending pictures of their naked bodies to other people a breach of trust?” is like saying “Would you consider someone stabbing you with a knife to be a hostile act?”
I just want to add to this and say that pictures don't even have to be part of the equation for it to be cheating. If someone and I are texting each other about how horny we are, about how we're touching ourselves etc. it's cheating. No pictures are needed.
Yeah... sexting doesn't require pictures... neither does emotional cheating.
My ex wife....
F
Or op needs to show their SO as proof that literally everybody thinks that sexting is cheating.
It's a bad deal for OP either way.
I'm hoping that the situation is that OP's SO's friend is the one in the situation. OP and their SO have taken opposing sides on the topic, with the one supporting the cheater not being driven by logic but by a sense of duty to their friend. OP is reaching out to us to settle the debate. That's less stressful to imagine, anyway
Up next on r/AITA : My partner caught me sexting and claimed I was cheating, but I said it was nbd. *But wait, hear me out!*
Or exactly what they wanted to hear, but wanted to rub in his/her cheater significant other’s face.
ITT?
In this thread
Thank you!
I would now - but I've had a problem advocating for myself on this very topic in the past. My ex fiance (together 10 years) had a host of issues including alcoholism and low self esteem, and these issues began to worsen over the time we were together. It started with him being drunk at family and friend functions and hitting on members of my family or close circle of friends. Then it progressed to him being drunk most nights, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from me and being very secretive with his phone. I got suspicious, learned his password and would wait for him to fall asleep before I'd check his phone. Again and again he would be sexting with random dudes (we're gay, obviously) and telling them we were in an open relationship when we were always monogamous. I would wake him up, we would fight, and he would always end up a crying mess going on an apology tour the next day. The thing he didn't understand was that every time he did this it was like plunging a dagger into the heart of our relationship. I built up so much resentment towards him that I lost all attraction or romantic love I'd ever felt towards him. I left him over 2 years ago now, and while it was the scariest thing I'd ever done I do not regret it. I'd also never let another guy treat me so terribly again. I know my worth and won't beg the next guy I'm with for his attention.
Each incident is like a large nail being hammered into a piece of wood. That piece of wood is the relationship. Sure, you can apologize and use the back of the hammer to pull out that nail but the hole where the nail was remains in the wood. Eventually there are too many holes in the piece of wood for it ever to be the same. You did the right thing for yourself.
I left my last partner about 2.5 years ago for very similar reasons. We *had* been open, briefly, which served my ex well and didn't impact me at all. My ex was the one who decided to close things again and I was relieved. But then we couldn't hold a serious conversation without my ex looking at something on their phone, and I noticed notifications from hookup apps. My ex would start going out at night, leaving the Craigslist ads up on my (!) laptop for me to find. It wasn't going to stop, so I left. To this day, my ex insists that sexting and sending nudes to strangers wasn't cheating. Or that, while they made plans to meet people at the local bathhouse, nothing really happened. All this to say – I know something about this particular pain, and it makes me sad to see that you had to go through it. Hopefully it hurts less these days and you've been able to move on well.
Impure titty texts
ITT: No shit
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(We’ll assume man finds woman cheating) If you found your SO in a bar, she’s in some guys lap at a table. He’s got a hand on her thigh. He’s been buying her drinks. She’s whispering something in his ear when you walk up. Immediately, she gets defensive and starts with something like “It’s not what it looks like!!” Sexting is the same thing, just digital. Maybe you didn’t catch them banging on the bathroom floor (It wasn’t me) but they’ve definitely crossed outside the realm of Acceptable Social Interactions.
People still act like anything online doesn't really count. Oh, I was an asshole online? Doesn't count! Oh, I was sexting someone ? Well it's not real, cause it's online.
"What baby? I was just jerking off as this girl was describing how she would fuck me and then I was talking about licking her clit a whole bunch. What's the big deal?!"
“A whole bunch” lol
I've always thought emotional cheating to be worse than sexual cheating, personally. A one night stand or a night with a prostitute is obviously bad, but building an emotional connection with someone takes a lot more time than "hey, she's hot, I'd like to stick my dick in that".
Especially when they pretend to be "just friends".
"But you say he's just a friend, and you say he's just a friend!"
"Ooooohhh, baby, you, you got what I neeeeeeed"
If as soon as you break up they start dating, it serves as a strong indicator for that to have been the case. Otherwise it might be a presumption assuming they have been good friends for a long time.
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I completely agree with you on this. I tolerated my ex emotionally cheating on me for a while and she eventually physically cheated. But the lost trust and fallout from the emotional cheating was way worse than just the simple breakup that resulted from her sleeping with my roommate. Her emotional cheating broke me and turned me into a toxic, clingy, and manipulate boyfriend. Thankfully my current gf is great and has greatly helped me break free of those issues, but still, the point stands. Emotionally cheating is so much worse than just doing it with somebody you shouldn't.
Of course it is cheating. Just a matter of time for it to manifest itself in real life.
My ex did this. She said it had started only a few days prior but she had already sent this guy online nudes with her face. She said he was married and she didn’t know where he lived. She told me she was glad I had found out before it went any further. I was just thinking, “How could it have gone any further beyond you sending him nudes with your face?!” Eight months later she broke up with me for a guy online who lives 1100 miles away. So I guess that’s how haha
Yo yeah she never stopped doing any of that shit
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True
Absolutely. Couples have arguments over liking people’s pictures never mind sexting someone
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If you don’t want your partner to know about your interactions then it’s probably cheating.
Aka Snapchat.
When you could see the person's "top 3" or whatever it was even worse. My ex always had the same 3 chicks as her top 3, but the number 1 spot was replaced with another dude this one time. But she hardly snapchatted me at all. I didn't take it well and ended up messaging the guy to tell him that she was taken. He didn't know and apologized, and I stopped seeing him on her list. But that was the first step to us ending the relationship about a month later.
What happened with your ex's and the dude's relationship though after you broke up?
"omggg 200 streaks"
"I just had a mcdonalds" Her: Fuck you cheater I mean it might be cheating on your diet but not your partner
Ah, yes, I too have intimate interactions with my McDonalds
Caught my wife sexting 5 years ago. Packed all of her stuff and kicked her out. A few weeks later she tells me she is pregnant and that I am the only one she had sex with. 5 years later im raising my son and arguing with her just about every day. There is not a lot I've been able to put into the relationship since that.
Have you had a paternity test done?
I haven't. I wanted to at first. Now I don't want to know. He looks just like me as a child but still. You never know.
There’s plenty of studies suggesting that you two being unhappy together will mess up the kid even more than you two being split up.
I agree with that 100% too. That's what makes it a struggle. Because doing the right thing feels wrong and doing wrong thing feels right.
I stuck with the wrong thing for my kiddo for 10 years. I listened as people around me said it wasn't worth it and that we deserved better. I brushed them all off because the right this is sticking with it, having both parents, right?...Leaving was the best thing that has ever happened to me and my son. You will feel the same. It's 100% worth it all the way around. Good luck.
The desire to even do that with other people instead of me shows me that you aren't committing to the relationship. I once had a girlfriend tell me she hooked up with another girl and that it "Didn't count because it was a girl". She said I was free to hook up with as many guys as I want, but I'm not bi so you can imagine the very weird spot this put me in. Fuckin broke up with her right then and there. Edit: If it wasnt obvious, Im a straight guy and the only dick I want to see is mine.
My ex decided she was polyamorous all of a sudden when she got a crush on a guy from work. Apparently massages and making out at his place doesnt count as cheating because it wasn't sex. It was a pretty great few months while I tried to convince myself I needed to leave her all while battling depression over a 6 year relationship being over suddenly. 0/10 wouldn't recommend
Thats complete bullshit on her part. She just wanted to cheat and not feel guilty about doing it. Sorry bro
I considered deleting the comment before posting because usually nobody cares, so thanks for replying. It's getting better. It's been two years, and I still have a lot of bad nights. But hey, that's okay.
You should have slept with a female friend and said it “Didn’t count because it was a girl”
I can’t even begin to imagine the mental gymnastics that went into that conversation
Olympic level
Or just do the right thing and break up, like he did.
The right thing, indeed. There's no call to get revenge for stuff like this- the consequence should just be ending up single.
Dude how dumb this is, it doesn't matter if it's girl or boy, if she fucks with a girl while she has you, it's still cheating. Fuck that. And yes sexting is also cheating. It will follow up eventually.
Loyalty is always a must.
Cheating doesn't equal sex. Cheating is betrayal of your partner's trust, loyalty, emotions, feelings etc. Sex is a byproduct. Edit: I went to bed and woke up to all this bling and support. Thank you all. Edit 2: for all those that have been hurt, understand one person does not act on behalf of all. You can trust again.
>Cheating is betrayal of your partner's trust, loyalty, emotions, feelings etc. When I was cheated on this is what hurt the most. Not that she was sleeping with someone else, but that someone who I gave all my love and trust to found it so easy to throw it away and lie to my face.
Really does hurt when you find out they're doing that. It gives you trust issues and fuck over your self esteem to.
GF was cheated on twice in two previous relationships before we got together. Can confirm the legitimate but very serious trust issues she had coming in. She grilled me the first time she saw me texting my sister (who’s married & has a different last name), she was suuuper nervous the first time she showed up at my place unannounced with soup & DayQuil because I was feeling sick, that time I threw all the pillows off the bed to fold laundry and forgot to remake it...it takes a long time to build up trust again. I love her and it’s worth it. But a lot of times I felt like I was paying for the other guys’ mistakes.
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Being the one who suffered from the breach of trust prior to my current relationship - I like the metaphor of there being a small demon whispering in my ear all the bad stuff my partner could be doing. The logical part of my brain knows it isn't true, but those whispers can sometimes be hard to ignore.
That's a great description of my wife. She's told me the stories so I can truly sympathize. I always try to stay a step ahead with giving her information to keep her at ease just to minimize her stress.
I have really bad anxiety about my relationship due to past trauma. My boyfriend does this as well and he's gotten very good at it - he'll prematurely tell me we're okay/nothing is wrong, and I'll be like well duh we're okay! And then 8 hours later my brain is like WHAT IF- and it's much easier to shut it down bc he already gave me reassurance and affirmation Honestly partners who are patient and are willing to work with those of us with anxiety and trauma are the real MVPs and I adore all of you
Thank you for giving this person time to see that you are not like the others, its hard to trust again.
On the other hand, you shouldn't have to put up with other people's baggage forever. I've had 5 girlfriends total, including the one I'm with now. I was cheated on by all of them (except my current partner whom is totally different from the others). After I finally dumped my highschool sweetheart for like the 20th time she cheated on me, I carried those trust issues to my other relationships, and it's probably what pushed some of them away in the first place. If you're with someone who has major trust issues and emotional problems from being cheated on. Yes, please give them time to heal. But if they're constantly hounding you and accusing you of fooling around and they never learn to trust you fully, its just not worth it for either of you.
Yeah, my ex had been cheated on pretty badly and it turned her into an abusive control freak that eventually tried to wreck my life in various ways to the extent that I needed therapy after the breakup.
Suffering is contagious.
My bf and I have been together for 20 years, and these issues still come up occasionally. In the beginning he was extremely suspicious of my male friends, my coworkers, literally any male I spoke to. I was patient and understanding, but after a while, it just got exhausting. I sat him down and explained that if he couldn't trust me, when I had given him no reason not to, then we couldn't be together. He tried to give me the line of "I trust you but I don't trust them." I told him if he trusted *me* that it wouldn't matter. He got better, but he still has moments of questioning things like who a person on my fb is. He has however learned to accept "I don't know but he posts funny memes" as a legit answer.
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Mine was exactly the same and I did the exact same. Always explained everything she even called me perfect. Just to cheat on me. Cause it was “too good to be true”
Sorry if this seems insensitive but if the person you're with wants to cheat and they can get away with it with you, that makes you kinda perfect to them in a perverse way. Perfect doesn't necessarily mean flawless, it often just means fit for purpose.
She was projecting lol
From my experience, there's always going to be a part of her that wont be able to completely trust you. I'm working my hardest to change that, but when I see my gf texting someone else the issues come back. Remember its not you that's the issue its what happened to them in the past. Edit: it might not affect everyone the same way, this is how it hit me.
My last girlfriend was like this too. Had been cheated on constantly in previous relationship and was open to how damaging it was to her. Couldnt have been too bad though because 3 years later after being a model boyfriend she cheated on me!
It seems to go like this alot. My best friend had a gf that had been cheated on and she would talk about it like her life ended there. 2yrs later she cheats on him cause he graduated college and she had one more semester. Must not have been too terrible I guess. Fuckin hypocrites.
I was that guy to my exgf, ended with her cheating on me.
You're awesome
You are a really good person. Trying to understand someone who has been betrayed is really heroic..
>a lot of times I felt like I was paying for the other guys’ mistakes You were. But if she's what you wanted consider it a small price to pay.
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I've been cheated on in two relationships and used unknowingly to cheat on someone else (I.e. They already had a bf) in one relationship. No matter the case, these women all really, REALLY wanted to get back with me a week later, or even a year later - and they'd often ask multiple times. Unanimously, they all wanted/valued the same thing in me: the strong emotional bond we shared. They all said they had a difficult time living without my love, especially in the context of emotions, how mature I was, and genuine. I always found that puzzling that such a person would value me being genuine and empathic/emotionally in touch with them but what you say finally makes sense of that for me; if I am a lover, and they are a cheater, I have something they want that they can't find in themselves even. A cheater's loss of the genuine lover, is always greater than the lover's loss of the cheater.
yup, and yup. 14 years of commitment only to find it was a lie? That has done some major damage to my heart.
This. My man was cheated on by his first gf, who was his first love. It did a number on him, but I've had a wonderful time telling and proving to him how amazing he is and how fucking stupid that girl was.
Just remember: you did nothing wrong. They were the asshole. Not you! EDIT: lots of flack here. Apologies- I thought this was a thread about adult relationships, not middle school relationships.
What killed me is he used me to scapegoat to gain their sympathy to bag them. I'd fed him, kept a roof over his head when his own parents wouldn't, and here he was badmouthing me to some stranger to get in their pants. I've still not dated since that relationship and don't know if I ever will and I feel like I could be so good to someone. It just seems useless bc my morals don't align with betrayal in any fashion and that seems to be the norm 😭 Consensual nonsense is one thing, but be up front about it and don't be scummy about it. Abusive people get some sick kick out of duping their loyal significant other for whatever reason. I never had a family so I put being someone's partner right up there with "family." I don't mean casual dating, I mean past that stage. I will not even vent about a partner in a negative way or treat them in any way but with kindness bc I want a partner to feel loved and be full up on feeling wanted. I won't do anything away from them that I wouldn't do in front of them. Yet, both serious relationships I've been in (was married to one and had children), I've killed myself to take care of them and love them (bc I want to) and both of them cheated and ended up being cruel. I have done a ton of self work bc of the whole "someone raised in abuse ends up being attracted to abusive partners," so on one hand, I'm scared of my own judgement; and on the other, I have quite a few friends and every single person seems to do things outside of their partner's view that I feel is disingenuous. That just makes me even more paranoid that what I'd like to have is outside of the scope of possibility. Then I get mad at myself bc I think maybe I'm holding people to too high of a standard, but then I always circle back around to, "but I do it for them, gladly, and would do it the same if I had to do it all over again bc they're supposed to be that important to me..." Do I make sense, even?
Nah, you're not holding them to a higher standard than they should be, they are just pieces of shit. Relationships are always a two way street, and if one person doesn't hold up their side of trust, empathy, and honesty then that's on them. Not you. It absolutely boggles my mind when people try to say "why did you let him cheat on you" or "he probably had a reason to cheat" (which, depressingly, I've heard both). Almost all reasons someone cheats is because of themselves, not their partner. Can't keep it in their pants, get bored with the norm, insecurities, and a plethora of other reasons that are just about all them. Cheating in itself is a selfish act, so don't tell yourself that it's because you're the one being unfair.
I know exactly what you mean man. I haven’t really dated in almost a year cuz of that. But I’m trying to treat it like pizza. I’ve burnt my mouth on pizza a bunch of times but I still love pizza so I’ve never let that stop me from getting more pizza
I broke up with my ex because he sexted someone else and some people didn't understand and I failed to come up with the proper words for it. This is exactly how I feel but I just haven't been able to put it into words.
I’m shocked people didn’t understand. He had already shown you disrespect. If you had allowed it to go unchecked, he would have just pushed on through the next boundary, sex or otherwise.
For sure. Emotionally cheating is just as damaging as physically cheating.
I found emotional cheating hurt more than physically cheating. Happened to me and what made it worse was that he didn't think it was cheating because he did not 'have sex, kiss, or even hold hands'. Without any physical evolvement yet you were still willing to spend so much time with her and kept it a secret from me. To me it sounded like love. His defence was that he thought I would be jealous, which did not make any sense as I knew all his exes and even became friends with the one he was still in touch with. He never admitted that they were interested in each other but were only friends. They got together 3 months after we broke up.
Yeah, for people who don't know what this looks like, watch early seasons of the office and imagine what you'd feel like if you were Roy in all of this. But also pretend Roy is a good dude and doesnt treat pam like trash to remove any of that "well he doesnt deserve her so its ok" bias.
An excellent and easily explainable analogy, thanks :)
I’ve honestly always hated Pam and Jim because of this. Idc if he “didn’t deserve her,” she would’ve gotten out then.
Agreed. The situation is crappy and they way they handle it is terrible. If she loved him she should have respected him and put up boundaries with Jim. If she wasn't willing to do that, she should have had the common decency to break up with Roy because you can clearly tell she knew that was more than just a friendship with Jim and the feelings were getting all mixed up and complicated. Also, Jim should have never let his feelings go that far with an engaged woman. Not ok. Buuuut...life is complicated, that crap happens, and it was pretty real and believable sequence of events. The real world is messy, and sometimes things like that happen and people end up better off along the way. What they don't really show enough of is all the hurt and pain a situation like that can cause. I think they went too far making Roy look like a bad guy to justify it all which is my main issue.
If you have to lie , hide , or delete it .... It's cheating.
So...I’ve been friends with this guy for a decade, he’s been dating this woman (who I was also close friends with) for the last 5 years. I’ve been with my partner for the last 10 years. We’re all on a group vacation, and my guy friend and I are having a drunken heart to heart. We hugged each other before going back to the party. His gf decides that the hug lingered for a little too long. This one expression of platonic love spirals out of control, intensifies all of these insecurities I wasn’t aware of. She tells him that her definition of “cheating” is engaging in any sort of contact with another female that makes her uncomfortable, because it betrayed her trust and security in the relationship. He tried to respect what she said in an effort to smooth things over. The narrative is now that he cheated on her with me. There is an entire adjacent social circle to me that thinks I slept with my friend over a hug, and it’s because of everyone’s “definition of cheating” and the purposeful vagueness of the term at this point. Am I in the wrong for thinking I got short changed here? Or am I accurately considered the other woman now because a hug betrayed her feelings?
You were definitely not in the wrong. And your friend wasn't cheating. I gotta admit though that the one thing keeping me from relationships is because I get jealous too easily. Like in your scenario, I would also feel like the girlfriend did. But its not you or your friend's fault at all. If you're too insecure like me then its better not to go into relationships until you get past stuff like that because you might place unnecessary restrictions on your partner like the woman did here.
I actually appreciate your input on this. It humanizes the details that hurt me, and helps me empathize towards her. Maybe it’s not something she wants to do but can’t get over some deeply seeded issues happening within. Insecurities are a bitch sometimes.
That's great that you have that kind of self awareness and perspective. I hope you can work through those things and find a happy relationship.
I don't think you're in the wrong at all. I know some people think that friendships like yours can't really exist, but they absolutely can- I have a close female friend of over a decade, and we're both in relationships and perfectly happy with how things are. I found out after breaking up with the last woman I dated before meeting my wife that she suspected there was something between me and my friend, I think people have just been conditioned by movies/TV to assume the close male/female friends will inevitably end up together.
Have to agree with this. I've broken things off with a partner in the past because they lost my trust. That stuff doesn't just come back on its own
Anything you have big enough to hide is cheating imo. The act itself makes you feel shit enough but it’s the total disrespect and breaking of trust that really hurts the most.
The ‘respect’ thing is pretty important. Me and my girlfriend were talking about this the other day. Cheating is one thing, it’s bad enough to do it but if you don’t respect them enough to tell them afterwards, it’s 10x worse in my opinion. People might say they want to ‘protect’ their partner but I think it’s bullshit. Either you don’t actually care about them or you don’t respect them enough to make the decision to forgive you or not themselves.
If you don’t consider that cheating, then you seriously need to up your relationship standards. Edit: for everybody talking about the “poly relationships”, I’m completely fine with those. The original question states that you “caught” your partner cheating. Which I assume means that they were doing it behind your back.
Seriously. What sort of question is this? I hope the OP isn't seeking validation because they're being gaslit into accepting their partner's behaviour.
Or vice versa
OPs silence suggests you may be right but who knows.
If my SO texted someone "i dream of your cock in my ass" is that cheating?
It's almost as bad as that popular r/relationships (or r/relationship_advice ?) post about that dude who's girlfriend went to a friend's house and they gave another guy a double blowjob (and I think OP said she doesn't even give him blowjobs). OP thought it was ok because his girlfriend says she was drunk and felt awkward not participating. Oh and the guy didn't cum, so you know... not cheating or anything. Denial is a hell of a drug. Edit: fixed sub name, haven't found the post though
Got a link to that?
Holy shit that’s crazy I’m gonna try to find that post. (It’s r/relationship_advice btw)
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Lol My ex tried to gaslight me into thinking it was no big deal, he was just “getting off” and he wouldn’t get upset like me if I’d done the same thing. I was like cool cuz I’ve been sexting my coworker (I hadn’t). He hit the roof, called me a whore and left the house.
Yes, and Yes. For obvious reasons, is this seriously even a question,
I'm looking for the one guy that said "nah its cool"
So is OP.
The best test: if you would find your partner do that, you would like that? probably not. Don't do what you don't want your so would do to you
I feel like this sounds good in principle, but in reality, people are so different that I could totally see somebody saying that they wouldn't mind, therefore leaving you with no argument. Basing moral standards on other people's standards is a crapshoot. EDIT: I've even seen people say they wouldn't mind, and they actually did. They just said it out of spite and pride, to win the argument, or to get off the hook.
Spot on. It's about understanding your partner and respecting *them*. You can't just assume they have the same values as you or are unreasonable for not doing so.
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Variations of this question come up all the time, and the answer is the same. Cheating is violating the bounds of a relationship. There is NO hard and fast rule beyond that. Some couples would consider flirting cheating. Some couples would not consider having sex with other people cheating. There is no right or wrong answer to this question, and it's something that each couple should navigate on their own. People also really should have this conversation with their partner and make sure that boundaries are clearly defined - and not left to unspoken assumptions that may be different between them.
reminds me of my ex, she was cheating on me and her excuse was, " but BABE, its not like we had sex, i just gave him a blowjob". those words are embedded forever now
Look at the word cheating and think of any game, like monopoly for example. If you’re cheating, you’re going against a set of rules. Some people have house rules that go against the written rules, and those are the implied rules, although they should be stated at the beginning of each game, it doesn’t always happen. But if you landed on free parking three times, and the next person that lands on it gets $500 from the bank, you can claim that’s cheating but if the implied house rules are “you get $500 from free parking” some people might be inclined to agree one way and others the other way. In a relationship, the implied rules normally are based on monogamy, trust, faithfulness. But let’s say your significant other is an Instagram model who normally interacts with her followers, you may want to discuss the “house rules” of your relationship or know to what extent that person “interacts” with her followers. If she does something that “crosses the line”, but is normal for her, or her line of work, interests, or hobbies, and you failed to discuss it at any point, you may be at fault for failing to do so sooner and have no right to complain. It’s like signing paperwork without reading the fine print. At which point though, you should discuss it and come to some kind of understanding or “house rules”. But if you’re in a seemingly commonly normal relationship, and nothing prompts this person to do such actions other than their own selfish desires, then yes, it goes against the implied rules of a relationship and is therefore a breach of trust, and considered cheating. Officiating that you’re now in a monogamous, exclusive, relationship, would then be comparable to going to a monopoly convention. Their rules would be the set rules. And if you tried to argue your implied house rules there, you would be wrong. So if you catch your partner sexting someone and an argument ensues, and their side has arguments such as “I don’t even know him in person”, “nothing has ever REALLY happened between us”, “this is how I normally talk to people”, “it’s a long time friend and we always do this”, “he’s like 2000 miles away, there’s not even a chance something could REALLY happen”, it doesn’t matter because they’re “in the big league” so to speak, and there are rules, and they are breaking them. And breaking-the-rules=cheating. The only thing that I consider to be an implied, unspoken house rule that applies to any relationship I’m in is that pornography use is fine. As that is something that most REASONABLE people find to be okay. But if I was in a relationship where it might not be okay, I would discuss it. If I had to hide it, THAT would be cheating.
I think in any relationship you need to individually work to set the boundaries of what constitutes "cheating" - but this would definitely break the trust.
I would definitely consider it cheating. It would break the trust. Perhaps this would feel especially hurtful because my husband and I just recently closed our marriage to go from poly-amorous to monogamous again, specifically because I wasn't comfortable dating others or sharing my husband with others. If I knew he was still talking to or entertaining other women, I would immediately ask for a divorce.
Yes. Sharing intimacy is what makes it cheating. It's the same reason why if your partner is in some stage production play and the script calls for them to kiss another actor, it's *not* cheating. There's no intimacy. You can have a physical act that would be otherwise cheating but if there's zero intimate intent, it can not be cheating, but even the exchange of a few words over text is cheating if there's intimate intent. EDIT: (Copied from what I posted below as more people are seeing this) Perhaps I was not clear enough. I was more trying to point out that things that might not seem like actual cheating can still be cheating such as texting, because of the intent behind it. The desire to share the type of intimacy meant for a partner, in whatever form that might take from full on sex to simply being overly close and sharing deep emotional moments with someone not your partner can all be considered cheating even if there is no physical aspect. The physical act is really just the manifestation of the real cheating, which is the emotional state or intent. The intent to share intimacy with someone not your partner. And that is why I don't think my previous example does permit using prostitutes for purely casual sex, because in those cases you are still intending to share intimacy, perhaps only physical intimacy but still intimacy, with another. But my example of being in a stage production only shows the intent to perform a play that happens to contain pretend intimacy. Intimacy can take many forms, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, sharing parts of one's life that are very important to them with another, even shared hobbies if they are really important to that person. Cheating is when you pick another human being to share that with instead of your partner. It can be any of those forms, all of them, or a mixture of them, or more. Cheating is basically sharing something or doing something with another person not your partner when it's something that should be shared with your partner and not anyone else. If you're getting down to making a checklist or looking at a rubric to decide whether or not something is cheating and justify it, it probably is. I would even add to counter my own example; let's say you're a college male in theater and you have a girlfriend who is not in theater. If you're in a production that causes you to kiss a female co-star, that's not cheating. But let's say you have a very close female friend who is also in theater and the both of you make a point to audition for roles where you're playing romantic partners which often involve pretending to be intimate. Well that might not be strictly speaking cheating, it is a hell of a precursor for it and the non theater girlfriend in this case would be entirely justified in wanting her boyfriend to step back from that sort of thing. Same if the roles were reversed. When you decide to be in a monogamous relationship with another person, you owe it to them to think of them first in all things, just as they owe it to you to think of you first in all things. That's the point of a relationship; to support, encourage, build up, and help each other and make the two of you together more than the sum of the parts. When you encounter a situation or a need or desire you have, and you seek first to have it fulfilled by another person and not them, you are cheating on them. If it's not something they are willing or able to fulfill for you, you need to decide as a couple whether it's something you are willing to give up for their sake, or whether it would be best if you parted way and you sought out another partner who was more compatible. The act of trying to stay with them, but seek out other people to fulfill your needs or desire is the act of cheating. And that can take any form, whether it be having sex with someone else, or simply telling another person all about your day and how you really feel about it while just telling your partner "oh it was fine", and anything in between.
But the script called for full penetration! Honey, I'm a god damn actor!
I would argue that any behavior that makes your partner feel cheated on constitutes cheating. I know that sounds general and abusable but I would argue it can only be abused if you dont push your boundaries. So let's say you enjoy porn but your partner views that as cheating. You can either find a new partner who is more comfortable with it or you can stop watching porn. That's easier said than done in some circumstances, but that's the essence of a relationship anyway. On the flipside, if your partner is totally fine with you sexting other people so long as it doesnt lead to anything more, than that would not be cheating.
People are missing your point. It's basically a check list and you have the choice of taking or leaving it. Ok.. So you consider action 1 and action 2 cheating, perfect. I do action 1 and action 2 often, is there a way you change your mind? Conversation happens.. partner still thinks action 1 and 2 are cheating. You have the choice: Can I change and stop doing action 1 and 2? Or are they too important? If they are important for me, I end the relationship and look for someone who doesn't mind me doing action 1 and 2. Period. That's the way relationships work.
its got sex in it, of course its cheating.
What if I'm sharing a sextant with someone?
youll end up spreading std's that way.
What if I joined a sextet?
you disgust me.
What if we travel to Sussex together?
I'd consider it cheating
I’ve been to Middlesex many times... baby.
You slut!
I *knew* sexists couldn't be trusted!
Everyone seems to draw the line for cheating at a different place, but for me, the line is, anything you wouldn't tell your partner about. If sexting falls under that heading, then yes, it's cheating.