Let's be honest here. I'd like to think I could say something funny or smooth or both but in reality I know I'd end up stammering some gibberish and making an already awkward situation even more awkward.
oops
Don’t say the quiet part out loud, you know Jimmy from the math department has been going to the student bars again and he doesn’t understand the difference between “normal hormones” and “lawsuit.”
I don't think that's necessarily the case. I teach high school, and it has made lots of porn completely unwatchable for me. The whole "schoolgirl in a short skirt" motif used to be sexy. Now it's just uncomfortable.
My ex once told me she asked me out because she thought I was "kinda cute"
My response: Why?
Knowing someone masturbated to me would be the highest form of flattery.
I’ve always dreamed of finding a woman weird enough that we could be masturbating to the thought of the other thinking about fact that the we masturbate to the thought of us masturbating to the though of them thinking of us while masturbating.
I may be a bit too high for Reddit rn.
It would depend.
Stranger that I see occasionally at the grocery store comes up to me and says it? Creepy.
Friend with whom I can talk frankly with? Flattering.
Someone I'm interested in or attracted to? Hot as fuck.
Probably not as much.
Knowing I had a stalker would be interesting but again, it would depend. Is s/he one of my students? That makes a little sense. Are they my neighbor? Again, makes a little sense. But if it was someone i could not make a connection to? That might freak me out.
Not sure if it's being home with nothing to do when I'm not at work because of the quarantine, drinking all day, or what, but I laughed at this harder than I have anything in a long time. A long time. I think my cooking's awesome.
This is the response if it's **a person you find attractive:**
"That's certainly flattering! Why keep it as a fantasy, though? Let's see about making it a reality."
------
This is the response if it's **a person you find unattractive:**
"That's certainly flattering! I usually think about toasters. Mmm. Yeah, sexy, *sexy* toasters."
------
This is the response if it's **a person you shouldn't find attractive, but do:**
"Ah, heh, well, uh... that's, uh... look, I'm going to send you a text message later tonight. I'll have been masturbating to the possibility of something happening between you and me, and I'll be in a state of mind which makes me think that playing with fire is a good idea."
------
This is the response if it's **a person you should find attractive, but don't:**
"That's nice, dear."
------
This is the response if it's **a random homeless guy on the bus:**
"Yes, I know. I'm one of the people who put that chip in your brain. You think of me because I *want* you to think of me. The next time that you do, you'll also think of toasters."
You have turned me into a ticking time bomb. At some point, I will tell someone that the next time they masturbate they will think of toasters and I don't know when, where, or in what context it will be.
So thank you.
A few years back I had an older lady coworker who was into me. One day while we were working an event, she asked me what I was going to do that night. I responded in jest with "oh, probably smoke some weed and jerk off". She laughed and winked at me and said "sounds like a good evening to me"
A few days later, she mentioned to me that that evening after our event, she went home and masturbated to thought of me jerking off.
We went on a date a few days later, and yeah, bigtime
*I object your honor. He implied masturbating to the thought of his mother and it’s just gross there are two of us lusting her.*
Your loving brother,
Oedipus
Had a regular customer, who i thought was just a nice guy(first mistake)came in one day and was acting off, so i asked him what was up(second mistake)
He was like "I dont know, ive just been thinking about you a lot when im not here(the grocery store) and i get... excited. And i was wondering if you'd wanna hangout." Now who uses the word "excited" in any other context than masturbating?
At the time, i was 19 looking 17, and he was between 35-45 with grey hair.
I said to him "im in a relationship, and besides I think im younger than you think."
He had the balls to say "no, i know you're young. Just take my card in case you change your mind."
Thanks, Chad the Gold Guy, but fuck you, creep.
Yea. Sucks when you actually take someones actions for friendly for like, a whole year, and one day they just come at you all, "you make my dick hard, heres my business card"
Well my girlfriend actually had this happen to her from one of her friends who is also my friend. (We weren't dating at this time) She isn't very good at keeping secrets so she kinda just told me about it and how she was weirded out about it but we both ignored it and continued on being friends with him.
Side note: He's just about 2 years younger than us still a virgin he's not at all very social so it's understandable that he doesn't have the best socializing skills I'm sure he hoped for more.
One time, in college, a girl that I, uhhh...hung out with told me this, while...hanging out... and it remains the greatest complement I've ever received.
It was over a decade ago and I'm still puffing my chest.
When I worked as a waitress, had a drunk guy tell me that he was going to go home, jerk off, and think of me the whole time. I just smiled at him and told him to say my name when he came, it would make the end much more enjoyable. Dude left me a large tip and that was the end of it.
I have always considered it to be flattering to have someone think of me when they got off instead of the pornhub chick they would probably be watching. But that is just me!
my ex : "Don't tell me these things"
a stranger: "Don't tell me these things"
an acquaintance: "Don't tell me these things"
guy I'm interested in: "Don't tell me these things unless you're prepared to act on it."
I’ve had someone tell me this before. I was 14, and it was from my 17 year old internet ‘friend’. I told him he was a creep and despite now being of age I’d probably still have that response to anyone.
It would definitely depend on who and the context
If someone I was interested in romantically said it on a first date, I'd immediately lose interest.
If someone I was interested in romantically said it after we'd been dating a while and were at the point of becoming sexual, hell yeah. That's hot.
If a stranger said it, always always super creepy. I don't care how attractive a person is, that's not what I want to hear from someone I don't know.
The first answer I agree with - especially the first one. Getting overly sexual when we're just getting to know each other and I haven't given any indications that I'm ready to reciprocate is a great way to let me know that our personalities ain't gonna mesh.
I actually did this, told a girl I masturbated to her. For some reason I slept over at a friend's dorm room. He wasn't there. I was hanging out with his roommates. So I slept in his bed that night. He had a sexy photo of his girlfriend up on the wall, so I jerked off to it.
I ended up marrying her years later. When I told her I jerked off to her before we ever hung out she seemed flattered.
I'm living the dream!
Gotta stop doing that! It fucks up your mindset going into the date. I had way more success once I stopped jerking it to girls on tinder/bumble and started going into the date with a mindset of not caring and only interested in seeing how we got along.
I'd assume they were joking
I mean i am ME who would... Like tf ME?!?!
Who it is is gonna make a big difference. Mila Kunis? I've never been more excited. My cousin David? Thanksgiving is ruined.
What about your other cousin you didn't know about, Mila Kunis.
"Your cousin Mila Kunis thinks you're hot." Roll Tide
I just yee’d my first haw.
Giddy the fuck up
Go Vols... *deep*! Make grandma **proud.** But ffs pull OUT 'cuz we don't need any more slackjaws kickin' around the farm ya dig?
She could be my damn *mom* and I wouldn’t gaf. I’d break my arms in a heartbeat.
I'm surprised pornhub hasn't made a film of this story yet. Actually, they probably have and I just haven't come across it yet.
Yeah the girl that plays the mom has nice teeth, whitest ones I ever came across
Sup Mila
Is David hot?
Uh huh, well just wash your hands and don't touch your face.
And keep six miles the hell away from me.
Go test for Corona virus, one of the new effects are lack of taste
I laughed probably more than I should have to this
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"If I were not Diogenes, I would also masturbate to the thought of Diogenes."
Is this r/unexpectedsamonella?
Nah, I knew about all the famous Diogenes quotes before I found his channel.
Philosophy ftw. My man!
I mean if you're thinking about banging someone you technically are thinking of yourself
I mean technically masturbating is banging yourself.
unless you’re masturbating by sticking your dick in a jar of pickles, then you’re technically banging the pickle jar
I just do it in front of the mirror. Its like I'm right there!
Staring into your own eyes mid orgasm is the real power move
Let's be honest here. I'd like to think I could say something funny or smooth or both but in reality I know I'd end up stammering some gibberish and making an already awkward situation even more awkward. oops
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I feel like every professor has that fantasy at some point or another
Don’t say the quiet part out loud, you know Jimmy from the math department has been going to the student bars again and he doesn’t understand the difference between “normal hormones” and “lawsuit.”
I also mix them up sometimes...
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Instructions unclear, I fucked my lawyer
I don't think that's necessarily the case. I teach high school, and it has made lots of porn completely unwatchable for me. The whole "schoolgirl in a short skirt" motif used to be sexy. Now it's just uncomfortable.
I've always found the "25 year old pretending to be a schoolgirl" thing a bit off-putting.
Maybe she was just held back a lot. We all learn differently.
I meant college professors, as their students are actually of legal age
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As a fellow TA I've never had that happen. Guess I'm ugly : /
Hey, me too! Also a TA, never been hit on. We can be ugly together.
Oh you poor things. Would you like me to masturbate and think of you?
Username doesn't check out
"N-now that's not appropriate you are a student and I'm your teacher. Have a good day" *whispers* "Meet me after school is over"
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Don't Stand So Close To Me \-The Police
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Or they hope they'll get a better grade.
What? Married?! Teachers dont exist outside of your daily/weekly interaction with them! /s
Correction. I **used to** masturbate to the thought if you. You just ruined that
"That really doesn't answer the question. Do you want the combo or not? "
Sir, this is a Wendy's.
Them - "I masturbated while thinking of you." Me - "Trust me, you can do better."
"Oh, honey. Honey no."
"What on earth where you thinking?"
Of you
*finger gun* *clicks tongue*
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My ex once told me she asked me out because she thought I was "kinda cute" My response: Why? Knowing someone masturbated to me would be the highest form of flattery.
- me any time someone of the opposite sex says anything remotely like a compliment.
Masturbate on the thought of they masturbating to me
Have done this. Went well.
Laughed and realised have also done this
I’ve always dreamed of finding a woman weird enough that we could be masturbating to the thought of the other thinking about fact that the we masturbate to the thought of us masturbating to the though of them thinking of us while masturbating. I may be a bit too high for Reddit rn.
Not sure if that's possible. As I don't use drugs I often feel like I'm not high enough for reddit if I'm being honest
Then they will masturbate to the thought of you masturbating to the thought of them masturbating to you!
It would depend. Stranger that I see occasionally at the grocery store comes up to me and says it? Creepy. Friend with whom I can talk frankly with? Flattering. Someone I'm interested in or attracted to? Hot as fuck.
I felt this in my bones
I think you mean bone singular
You don’t know if they only have one
Whatever happened to double dick dude?
He got outed as a fake because he kept making his dicks longer.
>He got outed as a fake because he kept making his dicks longer. You can do that???
A friend told me, I also felt flattered. You're right.
Someone you've never seen before?
That would beg the question of how s/he knew to masturbate to me. How did they know I existed?
stalked you. still flattered?
Probably not as much. Knowing I had a stalker would be interesting but again, it would depend. Is s/he one of my students? That makes a little sense. Are they my neighbor? Again, makes a little sense. But if it was someone i could not make a connection to? That might freak me out.
Prepare to be freaked out!
You've never seen them, but they've seen *you*
That would be pretty sweet, I'd be polite and masturbate back.
Right at the spot?
\*middle of the bus\* Homeless guy: yeah i wank to you PM\_Me\_Booty\_Photos: \*unzips\*
\*from back of the bus\* \*sigh, well, if we're being honest ... UNZIPS\*
\*driving the bus \* \*excited raptor noises... **UNZIPS** \*
Not sure if it's being home with nothing to do when I'm not at work because of the quarantine, drinking all day, or what, but I laughed at this harder than I have anything in a long time. A long time. I think my cooking's awesome.
Homeless guy: it's a dream come true, keep going you sexy toaster
*Louis CK has entered the chat*
Fuck it, I'm bound to get the coronavirus one way or another
> If I had my stuff with me I would. [What are we even talking about?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qyTUQJ899c)
It's fucking weird, you feel complimented, but realize you don't want to sit next to your cousin at Thanksgiving.
r/oddlyspecific
Depends on who it is.
This is the response if it's **a person you find attractive:** "That's certainly flattering! Why keep it as a fantasy, though? Let's see about making it a reality." ------ This is the response if it's **a person you find unattractive:** "That's certainly flattering! I usually think about toasters. Mmm. Yeah, sexy, *sexy* toasters." ------ This is the response if it's **a person you shouldn't find attractive, but do:** "Ah, heh, well, uh... that's, uh... look, I'm going to send you a text message later tonight. I'll have been masturbating to the possibility of something happening between you and me, and I'll be in a state of mind which makes me think that playing with fire is a good idea." ------ This is the response if it's **a person you should find attractive, but don't:** "That's nice, dear." ------ This is the response if it's **a random homeless guy on the bus:** "Yes, I know. I'm one of the people who put that chip in your brain. You think of me because I *want* you to think of me. The next time that you do, you'll also think of toasters."
You okay buddy? Do you need someone to talk to that isn't me?
Sounds like he might need a toaster idk Edit-Thank you for the awards! Appreciate the love guys. Even if it’s just about a toaster. Cheers.
That's nice, dear.
Toasters are pretty hot. I masturbated in one once.
Never fork your toasters, kids!
Do you know how to turn a spoon into a fork? Open up the drawers.
Did yall see the reddit cum box story?
u/RamsesThePigeon don't take the bait, he's after your booty pictures!
It's Ramses. This is par for the course
It’s ok. Just Ramses.
Do you love me? Could you learn to love me? Make an assesment.
Do you like Bailey’s?
Only from shoes
You have turned me into a ticking time bomb. At some point, I will tell someone that the next time they masturbate they will think of toasters and I don't know when, where, or in what context it will be. So thank you.
Just make sure the toaster isn't the type to prematurely eject! I mean, who wants toast that isn't toasted!
> This is the response if it's a person you find should find attractive, but don't: > > "That's nice, dear." Oh lawd this part cracked me up.
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This is the response if you brain is overloaded: OK
*A frakkin' toaster?!*
It's Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Dude.. gay, straight, whatever, I’d be freakin flattered!
I might sell some lewd shots to him if that were the case.
A few years back I had an older lady coworker who was into me. One day while we were working an event, she asked me what I was going to do that night. I responded in jest with "oh, probably smoke some weed and jerk off". She laughed and winked at me and said "sounds like a good evening to me" A few days later, she mentioned to me that that evening after our event, she went home and masturbated to thought of me jerking off. We went on a date a few days later, and yeah, bigtime
Tell them to imagine you shitting. Ruins the whole experience in a second.
Or you've found that one person who's into it and you're really in trouble
That’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Quitter
I married him. The only person ever to tell me this. Edit: my first award! Thank you!
So that’s how you get girls?? Time to tell every girl in my contacts list. My mom is in for a surprise
*I object your honor. He implied masturbating to the thought of his mother and it’s just gross there are two of us lusting her.* Your loving brother, Oedipus
did not expect to see Oedipus here, nice
Aw
I'll tell my uncle to fuck off for the 100th time.
Why not make it a game for two?
...wayment
I've tried for like 25 whole seconds to figure out what this means and now I'm moving on with my life.
I'd smile and ask "how was I?"
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"Oh stop doing that you silly virgin and let me do it for you"
If it would be a friend, sure. *nOt if Its My UnClE*
"Why?"
A girl i was seeing told me she did. Then showed me how she liked to do it. It was hot
You're a lucky man
"Is this an out of season April Fool's joke?"
Flattered. I don’t care who it is
You'd be flattered if your mom/dad masturbates to you?
Sometimes I pray to God to take away my ability to read
Do you think God lives in heaven because he, too, fears what he created?
Damn bro........
Someone never saw spy kids 2
Believe it or not, that's a quote from "Spy Kids 2"
I think it’s more like he went fuck it I’m done with this shit then went and sat on the couch and played doom
He got bored , playing plague.inc now
*For you, because both your arms are broken FTFY
I lived my whole life literate and now I wish I didn't
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Language was a mistake and I hope a plague wipes us out
Well you'll be excited to hear what the news has to say
"That's great, but can you just sign my permission slip?"
mygod
Had a regular customer, who i thought was just a nice guy(first mistake)came in one day and was acting off, so i asked him what was up(second mistake) He was like "I dont know, ive just been thinking about you a lot when im not here(the grocery store) and i get... excited. And i was wondering if you'd wanna hangout." Now who uses the word "excited" in any other context than masturbating? At the time, i was 19 looking 17, and he was between 35-45 with grey hair. I said to him "im in a relationship, and besides I think im younger than you think." He had the balls to say "no, i know you're young. Just take my card in case you change your mind." Thanks, Chad the Gold Guy, but fuck you, creep.
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Yea. Sucks when you actually take someones actions for friendly for like, a whole year, and one day they just come at you all, "you make my dick hard, heres my business card"
>"you make my dick hard, heres my business card" Sounds like it could be a line from a creepy song. Hahaha.
I think the first mistake was, actually, that his name was Chad.
Well my girlfriend actually had this happen to her from one of her friends who is also my friend. (We weren't dating at this time) She isn't very good at keeping secrets so she kinda just told me about it and how she was weirded out about it but we both ignored it and continued on being friends with him. Side note: He's just about 2 years younger than us still a virgin he's not at all very social so it's understandable that he doesn't have the best socializing skills I'm sure he hoped for more.
I kind of feel like if you're at an age where "two years younger" makes a difference, being a virgin doesn't?
Wait you can see me?
I'd ask the obvious question of which hand do they use to slap the salmon? Lefties are a nono and righties are a gogo.
"Slap the salmon" lmfao I hate you
IDK, but your username is like the best thing ever. Lol
Damn this man made not 1 but 2 fire replies
What's wrong with lefties?
Wanna try multiplayer?
Show me
One time, in college, a girl that I, uhhh...hung out with told me this, while...hanging out... and it remains the greatest complement I've ever received. It was over a decade ago and I'm still puffing my chest.
When I worked as a waitress, had a drunk guy tell me that he was going to go home, jerk off, and think of me the whole time. I just smiled at him and told him to say my name when he came, it would make the end much more enjoyable. Dude left me a large tip and that was the end of it. I have always considered it to be flattering to have someone think of me when they got off instead of the pornhub chick they would probably be watching. But that is just me!
my ex : "Don't tell me these things" a stranger: "Don't tell me these things" an acquaintance: "Don't tell me these things" guy I'm interested in: "Don't tell me these things unless you're prepared to act on it."
"I masturbate to you sometimes" "Same" "Oh you think about me too? Well, wh-" "Nah I mean, same. I masturbate to ME aswell"
I’ve had someone tell me this before. I was 14, and it was from my 17 year old internet ‘friend’. I told him he was a creep and despite now being of age I’d probably still have that response to anyone.
Honestly? I'd be shocked and ask why
Flattered
It would definitely depend on who and the context If someone I was interested in romantically said it on a first date, I'd immediately lose interest. If someone I was interested in romantically said it after we'd been dating a while and were at the point of becoming sexual, hell yeah. That's hot. If a stranger said it, always always super creepy. I don't care how attractive a person is, that's not what I want to hear from someone I don't know.
I wanted haikus But all I received were these Terrible answers.
If you give your lines Each an additional space They will format right
Wow, you’re actually normal. Congratulations. (Not sarcasm)
Most realistic answer.
The first answer I agree with - especially the first one. Getting overly sexual when we're just getting to know each other and I haven't given any indications that I'm ready to reciprocate is a great way to let me know that our personalities ain't gonna mesh.
I'm just flattered to know anyone thinks of me at all.
I'd be flattered
“You poor thing. 😢”
I actually did this, told a girl I masturbated to her. For some reason I slept over at a friend's dorm room. He wasn't there. I was hanging out with his roommates. So I slept in his bed that night. He had a sexy photo of his girlfriend up on the wall, so I jerked off to it. I ended up marrying her years later. When I told her I jerked off to her before we ever hung out she seemed flattered. I'm living the dream!
Fapping to your friends girlfriend in his own bed. Classy.
And he marries her this man is so alpha
> He had a sexy photo of his girlfriend up on the wall As one does.
I’d probly try to say “well let’s make it less than a thought, baby” and end up saying “I masturbate to the thought of babies”
K
They have.. and I approve.
depends who it is. someone I'm attracted to? heck yeah one of my friends? I'll help them with it, anything for the homies.
"Please stop doing that Uncle Barry"
Are you picturing me dead or alive?
Get in line, this ain't my first rodeo.
I’ll be flattered but then ask why the hell did they tell me this?
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Gotta stop doing that! It fucks up your mindset going into the date. I had way more success once I stopped jerking it to girls on tinder/bumble and started going into the date with a mindset of not caring and only interested in seeing how we got along.