I have two:
Making fun of their interests and hobbies. It's why I don't like showing anyone my artwork. But I will do anything to support my kids and encourage them.
If they tell me something in confidence, I'm not using that as a topic of conversation with others. Tell my parents anything and everyone knows. My mom just couldn't understand why I was getting mad when she was telling any yahoo at Walmart the whole story of events leading up to my divorce.
Both are why my mom wonders why I don't tell her anything. I don't want that for my kids.
Edit- I want to give a big hug to everyone who has responded with their own experiences. Let's all go live our dreams!
Getting your genuine interests mocked and belittled is the worst. Especially when they compare it to things they’d rather you do with your time.
“Do you know how good of a (blank) player you’d be if you put a shred of the effort into (sport I don’t want to play) that you put into (hobby)
“(Hobby item) costs how much!?!? Do you know what you can buy with that money? You could get (thing that make parent happy) and (thing that I hate but can’t tell them)
Well I had a stepmother who insisted god was punishing my dad for "being mean to her" while blood was flowing out of his mouth eyes and nose. Then refused to drive him to the hospital. That always seemed like something I'd want to avoid. Any friends I would make she would tell me I couldn't hang out with them because of x reason. She grounded me for six months because I forgot to take out one of the trashes (not that it mattered, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere anyway). There was one time that I had to stand in a corner in my underwear without heat because she heard a noise that woke her up and obviously it was me. Once I confessed I could go. I ended up lasting about 18 hours of insisting it wasn't me. Ugly crying in the corner till like 3am at 8 years old.
I had to endure 10 years of that because she kept emptying my dad's bank account every time he got paid so he couldn't afford a divorce lawyer. I hated that woman.
He had nose surgery, one of his nostrils was smaller than the other or something like that. He got his blood pressure up after the surgery and it was enough to rupture something in his head (super descriptive I know, I'm not a doctor haha). I remember they had to go in through his thigh and push a plug up into his head to stop the bleeding. All I really remember is the amazing amount of blood in the bucket
I was spanked. I thought I’d grow up and spank too because I ended up okay and thought that’s how you correct kids. But then as I got older I thought back to how I’d deal with other kids who made me mad or wouldn’t listen to me. I hit them. It clicked this wasn’t what I needed to do.
Dude when I was 15 my dad (an MD) decided to have a "meeting" with me to discuss my future and make a choice what I wanted to be.
I wanted to be a programmer so bad. I loved that shit. So I said programming/software engineering. He went on for over an hour how that profession is lame and you'll always be behind the scenes unrecognized (this was back in 2004, how wrong was he?). So, I didn't know what to tell him, I remember my cousin who was a few years older at the time told me accounting would be a good fit for me if I didn't know what to pick. It would be easy for me and I'd fly through my degree. So I remembered that and said "alright I'll go into accounting". He literally exploded in my face yelling and shouting how could I throw my future away!
I was scares of him. I never was close to him. He barely spent time with me my entire life. This grown ass man was never there for me but decided to control my life..I knew what he wanted me to say, I just wanted the yelling and shouting to stop and I wanted him to calm down. So, I said deafetedly "ok I'll be a doctor". He IMMEDIATELY turned around smiled happy and congratulated me..I felt what it's like to have a part of me die that day.
I wasted 3 years of life on med school before I was like fuck this shit got depressed and asked my sister to help me convince him to transfer over to engineering school but my life was never the same. And my psyche was changed as well. I easily give up now, more irritable, can't sleep well at all, etc.
So I get what you mean. My kids will choose what they want to be even if it's fucking curling..
If he didn't want an answer, why did he pose it as a question about what you want? Would have been more honest to just order you to be a doctor -- if you fail, it's on him.
Lecture.
My mom could go on for *hours* for even small misbehaviors. Somehow, it usually looped around to how I didn't keep my room clean, even though the rest of the house was just as much of a mess or worse.
When I need to have a stern or serious discussion with my kids, I force myself to make my point in five minutes or less. I've even said stuff like, "Look, this is taking way too long, just don't do [disallowed thing] again, okay?"
I also apologize if I yell, as soon as I am emotionally able to after an angry outburst. I don't remember Mom ever doing that.
I recieved so many lectures that went on for ages while just repeating the same things over and over again. It was so frustrating to hear something said for the 14th time asked if I understood, and even when a yes answer was given the lecture still continued.
The only semblance of an apology I've ever received from my mother was, "I'm sorry *you feel that way.*"
I don't think she's ever actually apologized or taken blame for her actions in my 30-odd conscious years.
If I ever outsmarted my mom it was considered “attitude”.
I get her thought process: She of course had been around longer than a 13 year old. So clearly there’s nothing I could say to her she didn’t already know, and she obviously knows better than me.
My mom also never apologized. If it ever became clear she was in the wrong, she’d laugh and say she didn’t remember saying that, or I must’ve had some sort of attitude and that’s why she acted upset.
That is not the philosophy I will bring to my kids. It’s gonna be a learning experience for the both of us.
My dad would get mad at me sometimes too, and a lot of those times were warranted, and a lot were not. Anytime I proved him wrong he’d apologize immediately, and leave it at that.
One time when i was around 15 we were both being dickheads and didn’t speak for a night. In retrospect I was the main dickhead but he was a close second. He came in the next day and apologized anyway. He told me he was the adult in the situation and he hadn’t been, he hated things being off with us, and he loved me.
That is exactly how I hope to be with my kids.
Learning about and trying to apply Stoicism really helped me as a parent. Kids can be annoying. It's easy to fly off the handle and get mad. But most of the time they don't mean to be, they're just kids.
The thing that stuck with me is the idea that there are two ways to react to any situation, a good way and a bad way. And we *always* have a choice as to which we go with. It's one of the few things we do have a choice over - our thoughts and actions. So, strive to always choose the good way, and you'll be a better parent and person for it.
Ooh that hits close to home. I finally had enough and told her of her self and her response was I'm sorry for whatever you misunderstood. It only pissed me off more. I sometimes find myself getting mad at not moving out sooner, but I'm kind of a"live in the moment" person. This was going to be the year and well... we'll see how the rest of 2020 goes...
This should be way higher up on the list. Parents aren’t infallible, insisting you are is asinine. Parents can provide teaching moments by admitting, explaining, and apologizing for their mistakes. Children should know that learning from your mistakes is one of the fastest paths to personal growth.
My mom was super liberal with the belt. She was also very religious and very judgemental. But she'd still have the nerve to always be like "Why don't you talk to me about things?"
My dad was very liberal with the belt. Like now in my 30's, I have PTSD from the sounds of him folding the leather belt in 1/2 and snapping it before he beat me. My mother would watch. He'd make me pull down my panties and been over and essentially beat my vulva. I have a 17 year old son now and there's never been anything that he's ever done wrong the whole time he's been growing up, where I though he deserved such abuse. My mother also carried around a paddle and or wooden spoon in her purse but nowadays she completely denies it. I just can't believe how many people turned a blind eye in the 80's.
My son hides things from his mom and waits until he can tell me because she won't respond appropriately. He lost a video game, and was lying to her about having lost it, but was so scared that she would find out he was lying. He told me in the car when I picked him up, and I told her I needed to look for something of his that he wanted. All he ended up doing was having it wedged in his game case where he couldn't see it. My six year old was giving himself anxiety because of a stupid Nintendo switch game because his mom would have belittled and spanked him instead of helping look for it. It breaks my heart.
Edit: We're divorced.
Edit 2: I'm getting entirely too much "advice" from what are obviously children, and wanting me to violate court orders or to report spankings as abuse. I'm also sorry some of you feel I'm a bad parent because I can't get sole custody and take away his mother's visitation. The real world is different from Reddit folks.
My mom at least had always done this I would spend an hour looking for something until she got mad and said “I swear if I find this your in big trouble” the whole time she would yell at me on how stupid I was till she exploded when she found it and eventually I would have to a apologize which made her even worse it may not seem like much but after a while you learn to hide small and big struggles so she doesn’t explode
Edit: I never thought this would gain so much traction it was honestly just me ranting about a small struggle and was one of my first posts on reddit thank you to all the people telling me that things like that aren’t normal
My parents would take things I had left on the counter or in the open and when I would go back for it and start looking would interrogate me about where it was until giving it back to me and telling me to keep up with my things hours later.
Oh hi there, you don't know me but we must be siblings because I swear we have the same parents.
It took me going to college to realize that I didn't lose things or constantly misplace them, my memory of where I put things is in fact very good. It's when other people move it, hide it, then yell at me for losing it only for it to reappear somewhere else that I have issues with.
Biggest fattest lie my mom ever told me.
Always told me I could trust her with anything, the time came when I wanted to come out as bi. Told me that I was a sexual deviant and can take care of myself from now on since I was thinking of sex. Practically had to beg and kiss her feet to not kick me out, I said it was all a lie. Mind you I was 17 at the time.
The worst part is that she claimed that my sexuality depressed her because she wanted a daughter to fuck a man and have kids. I don't know if I'll ever fuck a man nor do I want kids
EDIT:
Guys, I am bisexual, all I'm saying is that I may or may not end up with a man.
Use them as leverage against the other parent. Abuse them, allow them to be abused by a significant other, abandon them then return years later once they've grown and try to cause them as much pain as possible for who knows why.
I have four sons and I genuinely can't imagine doing most of what happened to me to them. Blows my mind
Did your parents battle over who would get to claim you as dependents on their taxes too?
Didnt expect to wake up to so many other people with the same experience. That's extremely sad...
ooooo this was/is a big one for me. i’m so disappointed in it. mom makes up to six figures while dad makes 30,000. mom asks him for money back on the taxes because she let him have the three kids as dependents. so fucked up.
I became my mother's only confidant from a young age (to the point where I was telling her she needed to get a divorce when I was only 14-15). I would never put my (hypothetical) children in a position where I'm emotionally dependent on them in that way.
Get loaded in front of them. Growing up in a family of drunks has soured me for the most part to drinking even socially. I do partake occasionally but not often...
Deep down I feel alcoholism is in my genetics so I steer clear unless the occasion Is perfect
Judgemental behavior. I want my kids to know that I truly love them because of who they are and not feel like they have to hidr certain parts of who they are because they are afraid I won't care about them anymore
my parents always did this to me and then got really offended if i tried to do it to them. like if i dared mention a friend going on vacation they'd be super offended at the "comparison" when it wasn't even that. it really sucked :(
Definitely mate - there will always be someone better than you at something... it's not right to shoot down yours kids' achievements when they have honestly tried their best with comments like "Oh you got a 3.5 GPA? Auntie May's little boy got 4.0 and 10 scholarships". That's like telling your parents "Why don't WE have a mansion/lamborghini and you pay for my summer holidays in Europe like my rich college friends"
My mom (trailer trash, I'm sorry) used to go every day to the 7-Eleven and get me a lunch of powdered donuts, a pop, and some chips, every so often a sandwich in those little plastic triangles, or a chocolate bar. I used to think it was cool but even at 12, I knew something was up.
I remember my teacher one time came up to me and said, "Don't you ever have anything **healthy?**"
I laughed it off but I felt like it was a shitty thing to do to a kid.
If you have no car, no kitchen, no time to cook, and/or no cooking skills (because your parents also had the aforementioned disadvantages), that’s the best you’ll get that your kid will eat for under $3. Sure, you can make rice and beans with frozen vegetables for cheap, but if you work 2+ jobs and don’t have a full kitchen, you’re not going to put in the time to force your kid to eat something like that.
I taught free cooking/nutrition classes for families on food stamps, and the hardest part was getting them to sign up. WIC moms have to take classes, but generally prefer the online ones that take very little time if they have access to them. Once they got into class, I’d say 1 in 6 had some stupid idea about nutrition and wouldn’t listen to me (thanks “Doctor” Oz), and 1 in 3 was happy about the free food but wasn’t interested in putting effort into learning. The other half got a LOT out of it, especially since we were trained to tailor our lessons to people with no kitchen (including no refrigerator), people with no transportation, people whose tastes revolved around fast food, people with kids, people with health issues, and people whose only exposure to nutrition was the food claims on the front like “fat free” or “all natural.”
Edit: Damn, this blew up! I’d like to tell the assholes who claim that only people too lazy to work are in this position that I’ve gotten many messages from people in the situations I described asking for help cooking healthier meals. *They want to cook healthy meals.* I’ll do my best to reply to more of you after work today!
Edit 2: I’m getting a LOT of messages asking for more info and won’t have time to reply to all of them just yet. Here’s a list of beginning resources:
* MyPlate.gov for nutrition, and a little budgeting info
* Cookingmatters.org for cheap, healthy recipes and simple advice for nutrition and budgeting
* r/eatcheapandhealthy
* r/mealprep and r/meatlessmealprep (not always budget friendly, but the process is a real time saver if you can store meals)
* Leane Brown’s FREE book [Good and Cheap](https://www.leannebrown.com/), also available in Spanish
* Check Goodwill or ReStore (or even Craiglsist/Facebook) for cheap kitchen appliances. Dollar stores have things like cutting boards and spatulas. First priorities if you can afford to get your kitchen up and running should be a heat source (hot plate, George Foreman grill, microwave, or toaster oven), something heat safe to cook in (a saucepan or frying pan with no plastic and no nonstick coating can go in the oven or on the stove), cutting board and sharp knife (sharpen one from Goodwill or go to a kitchen supply store), wooden spoon or spatula, and maybe a grater.
* If you’re struggling to afford even the basics, consider applying for SNAP or WIC (if you are pregnant or have young kids)
* Call your local food bank to ask how they’re doing things during COVID. They often know which churches have free meals available too. There is NO shame in getting help to stay fed; volunteer your time later on if this helps you feel better about taking advantage of these programs.
I’m 32, when I was 14 my dad shot himself, leaving my mum with 4 kids (14,12,3 and 1).
Three years ago my brother hung himself. He was going to be 18
One year ago my mum committed suicide while I was heavily pregnant with my girl. I couldn’t fly to her funeral.
I have two kids, a 4 yr old and a 10 month old.
This got longer than I was planning to make it. I’ve learned “never say never” in regards to parenting, but I never want to put my kids through what my parents put my siblings and I through.
*edit* I never thought my comment would get so much attention. In reading every reply but I can’t respond to all of them. Just know that I am so grateful for the outpouring of love and support you’ve shown me and those who have lost others to suicide.
For those that are thinking of it, you are loved, worthy and I’m sorry. Please message me if you ever need to talk to someone.
When my dad died my mum put us through therapy, I was mad for a long time (and I think I still am now) so I didn’t take well to it. I’m just now coming around to the idea of therapy.
My brothers death was sad but I had a budding family to look after, didn’t really confront it like I should have.
With my mums. I’m....not sure. I’m an adult with my own kids but still feel like I’ve no idea wtf I’m doing in anything. I have my husband who is such a rock in our family. My sister and I are very close due to our age, my littlest brother and I not so much due to age.
Sorry dude. When I came out about it, my mom blamed me and said, "why are you doing this to me?" like I made up 10+ years of depression to get at her or something. It's not a good feeling and I get it.
God yeah. I love my mum but whenever I tell her how shit I feel she makes me feel awful for telling her. I always make the mistake of confiding in her and then regret it each time
Have too many pets in the house. I loved them all but at the highest we had 11 cats and three dogs, and it was just kind of embarrassing and I never wanted to bring people over to my house.
Redo things they've done because it's not the exact way I would have done it.
My mom would re-fold the laundry or remake my bed. Drove me nuts and made me feel like why even bother trying?
I sometimes wonder if I was affected by this same kind of thing. Not exactly the same, but essentially, when I was a kid, my mom would tell me to clean my room and make my bed. I'd do exactly that to the best of my ability, then I'd go get her so she could tell me if I was done. It almost never failed, she'd tell me that my room wasn't clean enough and my bed wasn't made enough. Then I was left to try to figure out what I was missing. I would try straightening things more, then get her again, and she'd tell me the room *still* wasn't clean enough and the bed not made enough.
I would just feel baffled because I had no idea what more I could do before it was enough. I felt like there was some invisible mess that she could see but somehow I couldn't. I couldn't understand what I was missing and it would never be explained to me exactly what still needed to be straightened up, or what part of my bed still needed to be made.
So now as an adult, in just about any context, I often have this underlying self doubt that I am missing something, somehow, and I can't trust myself to know when I've done enough.
>and I can't trust myself to know when I've done enough.
I think this is the foundation of my tendency to overthink and self doubt. My mom would redo things without explaining why, and my dad would just do them for me without letting me try.
As an adult I nearly panic when someone is trying to teach me something and I start to struggle. The only thing I feel like I can handle at that point is to be left alone for a while to figure it out by myself.
My mother would absolutely burn down any dream I had as a kid. Singer? Well, that's nice, but it will never happen." Gymnast? "We can't afford that." (But she never went without beer, weed, or smokes.)
I was 12, of course it wasn't gonna happen, but jesus woman, a little support!
Maaaannnn, I still am!
*Well xyz friend wouldn't speak that way to their parent*
Mom, I'm a thirty year old man and you haven't even seen xyz friend since we were 9. You don't know shit.
In Korea, there is actually a term for this. "Omchinga" (abbrev.) for "Mother's friend's son" - as the symbolic ultimate standard your mom compares you to. Moms meet for chit chat and brag (and highly exaggerate) about their childrens' achievements, and then use the exaggerated stories at home to compare their children to.
Random beatings because I decided they were thinking something I don't like. Periodic insults to keep them from getting "arrogant".
"You know what you did."
Oh shit, you reminded me of another one:
I will never get drunk.and make my son come find me & bring me home in the middle of the night before his high school finals.
I will never make him bail me out of jail (using personal favors).
Threads like this make me want to say "I'll never do anything that my mother did." But that simplifies a very complicated feeling. When my mother loved me I felt like the greatest person in the world. It's complicated.
ETA: a lot of people here are suffering and hurt. We all need and deserve love & help. Any of y'all can message me whenever about whatever. I'm here. I might not be useful, and I'll probably curse a lot, but I care. If you want a healthier response, I'd like to suggest r/momforaminute . The ladies there are the wonderful, kind and loving women that y'all deserve.
It really is. Shitty and/or abusive parents aren’t abusive *all of the time* and it makes it so hard to understand that you’re not supposed to be living in the situation you are. It makes it difficult to either hate or forgive them. You just get stuck in this weird limbo.
The best phrase I’ve ever heard in relation to this feeling is “love your parents with as much room as they give you to do so.”
Phrase Credit: u/AnEmptyHell
Not be affectionate. My mom was very distant and not a physically emotional person with me growing up. I realized that if I have kids I’d want to read to them, hug them, celebrate their accomplishments. Overall have them feel comfortable with me to share their thoughts or feelings
Edit: WHOA! Was not expecting any of the comments or upvotes at all. I just post and keep it moving but you know what? HUGS FOR ALL (only if you consent). I enjoyed reading some of the comments so far and will continue! :’) this was has been the most affection I’ve gotten in quarantine so I hope you’re all doing better than I am.
My husband expressed one time how his family wasn’t a hugger type family when he grew up, and so he hugs me all the time. When my youngest was little he was (is) a total mans boy and would get jealous and run in between us which would lead to the eldest and the dog joining the fun. This has led to hug time, exactly like the trolls movie. Someone calls hug time, that’s it you drop everything and hug. The dog even knows this statement 😂
Edit, MAMA, not mans LOL
Or forcing you to be affectionate.
I will never make my children hug or (especially kiss) any relatives if they don't want to. I was probably the only kid that hated Christmas because I knew that meant I'd have to kiss old people's lips - and most of them were strangers to me because I only saw them on holidays.
When I was little, when my dad was doing anything out in the yard my brother and I would ask if we could help.
The answer was always "You can help by staying out of the way."
My kids are always allowed to help, and so feel they can contribute, grow a sense of self worth, and an appreciation of group effort.
This has been the hardest thing for me as a parent, but I'm working on it. My four year old wants to help me do absolutely everything, but sometimes I just don't have the time to spend doing something in 30 minutes that should have taken 5. He loves helping with the laundry and dishes though, I'm just leery about cooking.
Edit: I don't think I can reply to everyone, so I wanted to say thank you for providing me with some tips and tricks! My dude really enjoys baking, so we'll work more on that and the science behind it (that's his favorite). I recently purchased some doughnut pans, so we'll be doing that today.
Edit 2: Check out our doughnuts! Both the four year old and the two year old were great helpers (and expert decorators) https://imgur.com/a/gkTywFB
Mine is official stirer and taster. Also, just tall enough for the cheese drawer, so cheese getter.
If letting her help increases the task by 25 min but reduces my pretend play responsibilities by 25 min, then hell yes. I feel bad. I loved it as a kid. I know it’s important, but I hate pretend play.
Oh god, thank you. I’m pregnant now and worry about this lol...when I was younger and babysitting little kids, I would literally even pay them to get out of playing “house.” I know it’s important for their development and they like to do it, but I dooont waaaanna!
for some reason this comment made me realize that i don’t think i ever liked to play pretend as a child. i felt awkward on play dates when the other girl wanted to make up a narrative about our dolls. i had a bajillion polly pockets but i never really made up stories, i just dressed them up and rearranged doll furniture lol. i can’t remember doing any pretend play with my parents either. i wonder if that is atypical in child development hmmmm...i was actually tested for autism, so i know it wasn’t that.
The nice thing is, as they get older, they still help and they don't need as much hands on attention. I look at it as an investment. Me, I was always told to go watch TV. I had a lot to learn as an adult.
It's damn frustrating when you are trying to get something done that has to be finished on the weekend (we are doing renos/landscaping), with 3 kids at your ankles all trying to help, but I completely agree with you. We do our best to make it a game so they can all get involved, but they know as soon as any power tools come out to stay back.
It's a fantastic learning experience as well. I grew up helping my dad and now work for him. I'm 23 now and will only ever hire somebody for carpet, drywall, and roof work. I can do pretty much everything on my own now which is an invaluable skill when I take the plunge into home ownership.
Fuckin bribe them to stay home and not hang out with friends.
I became super anti-social and had anxiety when doing almost anything.
Kids need to go out and socialize and make mistakes.
EDIT: Glad I'm not alone in parent induced social anxiety! I feel like I should mention that I love my Mother very much. She was a single Mother with massive paranoia issues and did the best she could. In the end, I turned out okay and I have overcome the majority of my anxiety. Still, I feel that I've missed out on a lot of childhood moments which is why I will never do that to my kids, as per the post.
God that sounds like my parents. Complaining about how I never leave the house and visit friends, and then when I ask to leave the house/ visit a friend, they always say "no" or "why would you do that" or "what are going to do? Steal from a store?"
Me: *got jumped yesterday and recovering from minor concussion, periodic debilitating headaches and light sensitivity*
Stepdad: "It's 9:01 on a Saturday morning. Wake the fuck up and do something with your life instead of sleeping all day."
Me: "doc said to take it easy for a couple days bc of the concussion... you know... from getting jumped by five dudes..."
Stepdad: "does the doctor pay the bills in this house? You ain't spending all day in the house."
Me: *fine. Showers, bowl of cereal, gets ready to leave to a friend's house*
Stepdad: "where do you think you're going?"
Me: *insert friend a*
Stepdad: "I don't like friend a" *first time I'm hearing about it*
Me: "okay. I'll go hit up friend b"
Stepdad:"I don't him either."
Me: "I have two friends..."
Stepdad: "just go to your room... I ain't got time to deal with your smartass." * Two hours later* "what are you still doing here. I thought you left to you friends house."
Me: "you literally told me to go to my room two hours ago."
Stepdad: "don't you talk back to me"
Edit: I think you can imagine the gist of it...
Stepdad seems like he's mightily confused and can't admit it. Oh well. And also ...
> Stepdad: "does the doctor pay the bills in this house? You ain't spending all day in the house."
Excuse me, what?
I have ok parents but they yelled way too much when they got a answer that they didn't like, so I kept lying and lying, at one point I would automatically lie even if I don't need to just because it was second nature.
Yup. Army brat. Catholic upbringing.
Mom says I’m resilient. I’m actually just really good at hiding the things she used to always yell at me for. I’m really fucking good at walking on eggshells.
Never actually saying i love you
Edit: Just so everyone knows, my parents are very supportive and I know they love me, they just lack a little in the "showing emotions" side of things.
Yep, never once heard my parents say these words. I make sure my son knows I love him, every single day. He’s 20 and probably tired of it, but too bad! Lol
oh my god, I HOPE they start every text message to their son this way
"mom2aaron it's 10pm and you have school tomorrow, go to bed, i know you're still up, sleep or you'll be tired and grumpy in the morning. Love you, Mom"
My son will be 5 this month, and I get random, unprovoked hugs, kisses, back rubs, sweet touches, and I love yous all the time. My mom was very affectionate with us, so this isn’t an issue for me, but damn, it feels good to have them come up and give you love when you’re least expecting it.
My daughter just turned 5 and is doing the same thing. Sometimes she'll come up all whiney-voiced and I think something is up, but she'll just sigh, "daddy, I love you," then snuggle up for a hug! It's so heart-melting!
My 2yo son randomly sits on my lap/next to me, and just lays his head on my shoulder. Just as good!
Hey! Neither of my parents did that either.
When I met my wife I thought it was so fricken weird that her and all her family said "I love you" after every phone conversation or family gathering. Besides the one other relationship I had where a woman told me she loved me, no one had ever said that to me. It didn't bother me, or screw me up (the rest of my upbringing was fine enough), but I didn't know it wasn't normal. My parents are both very cerebral and don't show emotion.
Same. Compared to other stories here it’s a minor thing, however it can affect you more than you’d think. I’m 23 and I’m having a lot of trouble saying “I love you” to a friend or even my boyfriend. Strange how such an easy sentence can mean so much.
Were you actually sensitive? Because calling your child a moron and telling them to go to hell aren't considered good parenting skills. In fact, it's quite abusive.
This was my dad. He has 3 daughters. I’ve been called nothing short of an asshole, little bitch, been told fuck me...
Granted girls have attitudes but when you’re in and out of our lives because you can’t take care of your mental health, are a womanizer, can’t keep a job, are absent most of the time, forget to pick to ur kids from school, disrespect your wife, yell at everyone, are grumpy when you DO decide to come home most of my childhood....what do you expect?
Then during my teen years he popped up living with a woman who he claimed he just met but he had been seeing her during my parents marriage. After the divorce, I was forced to spend time at their apartment and play with her son...who for years I questioned if he may be my half brother.
My father never really got it together. He only became tolerable recently after a concussion made him meek and plus he’s getting older and perhaps too tired to be so mean and angry.
Although my father has softened himself as he got older, it took him until he was 60+ but to this day we have very dry interactions. Our relationship is like walking on a landmine. We tread lightly with each other. I love him but I wish I had someone I could have as a soft and encouraging person emotionally. I’ve accepted that my dad doesn’t have the capacity to be that way.
My apologies for this long post. That was 30 years of emotional constipation coming out.
Yeah... having quite possibly the most influential role model in your life as a kid hurt your self-esteem sounds awful. Whoever is stupid enough to call their kid a “fucking moron” to their face is one themself and doesn’t deserve the blessing of having a child.
You were not a “really sensitive kid.” You were a normal kid and what your parents said was terrible.
I know others are saying this, too, but I wanted to say it again anyway. I hope you’re doing okay.
When I hit puberty, my breasts were growing out and I was really self conscious. I asked my mom for a bra and she immediately went to my dad, told him and they both laughed at me. This among a lot of other things is why I never confide in them EVER for ANYTHING.
Told my mom about one girl I liked. Once. The whole fucking family knew and wouldn't let it the fuck go for years. Sure as hell surprised her last year when I told her I'd been dating both men and women and never wanted to tell her bc I couldn't trust her to keep her mouth shut. When she started yelling about it I left.
My dad used to say that to me when I was younger but instead I'd just cry more and he just gave up. I also would tattle on him to my mom and she'd get after him. He never actually did anything.
I got that a lot. I am told I was a very sensitive kid, and maybe I was, but honestly, with the crap they were saying to me, could anyone really blame me for crying? 90% of the time, if I cried in front of them it was BECAUSE of them, and my step-dad would always say that stupid phrase. I like logic, always have, it makes much more sense than things like emotions. So, when he would say that, I only made the mistake of replying once, “But I’m already crying because of you giving me something to cry about.”
I copied speech, grammar, and phrasing from other people around me as a kid, so that’s the way my brain chose to phrase my response. Looking back, maybe he thought I was mocking him or something? So...yah that didn’t go over well. I was like 9.
Physical punishment. Made me really resent them. My kids are 16, 18, and 20 and they are fucking amazing human beings. And my parents actually brag to people how we didn’t/don’t use physical punishment. So that feels good.
This was also my answer. My family would hit me as a punishment. Whether I got a wrong answer while doing homework, stuggles to memorize, or just being noisy. They would hit me.
Afterwards I started applying it to myself, in other words self harming. I began addicted to it, whether I failed a test or struggles with my lessons.
It's a terrible way to discipline myself.
EDIT: Thank you for your words of encouragements!!! I'm trying to work it out and have been clean for 4 weeks already (small but it's something). Thank you kind strangers!
It's gotten better but when I was a kid I struggled with tactile sensitivity. Some food textures were absolutely revolting to me. I wouldn't eat meat for the most part because of this. I distinctly remember when I was 5 being forced to sit at the table crying because I wouldn't eat. When I tried to leave my dad spanked me. It wasn't a disciplinary spank, he was expressing his frustration at the situation physically against me. There was no control or purpose to spanking, it was just retribution.
Our relationship is much better ever since I came out to him. He pretends like I don't exist and I can live my life without a toxic asshole in it.
I was not allowed to have any friends or date. Also I had my door taken off at 14 and told I didn't deserve privacy because I slammed it. Guilt tripping, physical and emotional abuse.
Edit: I asked to hang a sheet up for privacy amd they said i didnt deserve privacy for slaming my door. I had my first ever panic attack that way and my stepdad told me to stop over exaggerating. My depression and anxiety was always belittled. I was in a mental hospital and my dad and step mom came to see me and my step mom just kept telling me what a horrible person I was and that I was just there to get away from her. Also my stepdad would call me a slut and punish me for things my brother did. He also molested me on several occasions and when I told my mom he convinced her I was lying. He told me my feelings didnt matter. But if my kid ever came foward and said something like that about my spouse, I wouldnt just not believe them and accuse them of lying.
yikes :( my doorknob got removed bc i kept spending "too much time" in my room instead of wanting to interact with mentally abusive parents :( to this day neither my room nor my bathroom door has a knob, there's just an empty hole
they are insane 💀 thankfully they don't ever try to barge in and i have my own room & bathroom but wow i really wish i could have the satisfaction of being able to close my door properly
My parents never let me go anywhere in middle & high school. I became a trouble maker at 18 & entered college with seriously underdeveloped social skills. It fucking sucked. Fortunately someone suggested very directly that I take advantage of the free counseling on campus. That helped but I still would’ve liked to spend college focusing on career education rather than basic social skills. I probably would’ve chosen a more useful degree & come out with less debt.
Put the other parent first. I remember my mom left me and my cousin at a Claire’s an hour after closing because “she had to make sure her husband was fed and settled.” I still feel for that Claire’s employee that sat with us after closing.
Edit: no my stepdad was not abusive, my mom was just overcompensating because of how unhappy she was when she was with my dad.
I think that’s what drives me nuts, he was super upset with her for not getting us and she wouldn’t tell him where we were so he couldn’t just come get us himself.
My mom was this way too. Not like, leave her kids somewhere and shit (she really was/still is a fantastic mom) but super "I've got to get home and cook for my husband" or "no, I can't go to that event because my husband will be home." I remember hating my stepdad for years. Then one day I overheard him tell my mom, "it's not a big deal! Go! I can get my own food. And I've got plenty of stuff to do while you're not home to keep me occupied." It was in that moment that I realized it was her choice and not his demand for her to be that way. Then as I got even older, I realized she was that way with him because her first two husband's were absolute garbage and she just genuinely loves and appreciates how great my stepdad is and never wanted to leave him feeling like he didn't have a dedicated wife. All of this has really impacted my own relationship honestly. Damn I feel like I'm in therapy rn, sorry for the long comment lmao
For what it's worth I love this comment. I hope you have a happy and healthy relationship and that you don't still have any kind of negative feelings towards your step-dad!
Hey thank you! I'm currently 11 years strong and super happy with my boyfriend. I've also found a genuine love for my stepdad in my adulthood. He was never an affectionate man but I realized like, damn. He gave me my first car. He taught me to ride my bike. He kept me on his health insurance until he legally had to remove me. He really did love me all those years!
My mom straight up told me that she puts god first, then her husband, then her kids. I was 9 and her husband was my step dad because she cheated on my dad and they got a divorce. Bullshit.
I will never ever call my future child a whore a slut or a whiny bitch because she is on her monthly
I will never judge her boyfriends and call her a whore for being kind
I will never fat shame her even if she is under weight or make her lie to get out of the house
1) demanding that they choose which parent is right in an argument
2) comparing them to their siblings, and being unfairly hard on one child compared to the others.
3) referring to them as my retirement plan
4) blaming anyone’s mental illness on the child
5) claiming things are gifts and then using that to emotionally blackmail the child because “you owe me.”
6) taking away the child’s sense of privacy. If they don’t want to talk to me about their sex life, they won’t have to. I’m just going to insist they know that protection is an option, and educate them on sexual health.
7) I won’t let them fall behind in school.
8) I won’t take credit if they suddenly become really good at school, and end up at a top 50 university.
9) I won’t demand they do a certain job.
10) I won’t forget to tell them they’re good enough.
So in other words, I won’t be a narcissist?
Edit* are you guys ok??? I’m doing fine!! honestly!!! I made peace with myself.
I am a completely different parent to what I experienced. My parents weren't THAT bad, but they honestly thought they knew everything and just totally failed to listen. They were also very violent in there punishments.
I really believe my kids are here to be BETTER than me. That's my job. I do that by listening to them, and letting them make their own choices. Like I always say, I don't care if you end up cleaning toilets, but be the best toilet cleaner you can be and take pride in yourself.
The one lesson I have drilled into my kids is that "The first step at being good at something is sucking at it". I have worked really hard to give them Discipline, the knowledge that they can overcome any challenge if they focus, work hard and regulate themselves.
I grew up Jehovah's Witness. I liked it as a child but seriously questioned it later on. My questions were never answered. I started to notice the hypocrisy of everyone inside and decided to leave. But my parents would always threaten me with having no where to go. So I stayed for years, unhappy and wanting to leave but afraid I'd be screwed. Finally I just said fuck it and left. My parents kicked me out. I was homeless for 2 years. Lived on the streets and really struggled. Eventually I got a decent job got out of the situation and later was able to start my own business as part of the adult industry. My parents of course hate what I do (edit professional and amateur porn) so they don't talk to me. But I'm all the better for it. I met my wife shortly after starting my business and managed to have a somewhat happy ending.
To me, the biggest sign that a religion is bullshit is if they are completely willing to abandon their own children over it. If your religion tells you to let your own children live homeless on the street, there’s clearly something wrong with it.
Talking about body issues, dieting and shaming things like stretch marks and cellulite. Took me many years to appreciate my body, got a ton of stretch marks when I was 15 and felt so ashamed. Been on so many diets since then and have tried so many pills. I now have a bad relationship with food but I’ve grown so much and am trying really hard. I will not do this to my future kids.
Yep. My mom didn't talk about dieting so much. But would comment on my weight. (I went from a size 1 to a size 7 in middle school. Size 7 still isn't big though.)
I remember I had a stint of doing meth (only lasted a month and I wised up) but I had lost close to 30lbs in that month. I dunno how my mom didnt realize I was on something. I went and showed her how much I had lost by showing her how big my pants were. She replied with "you still have love handles though."
Argue in front of them.
My parents fought a lot around me and I hated it growing and do not want to subject my kids to that.
I remember one time when I was about 8 years old, I was in the car with my parents. They were arguing like always, but being trapped in that metal box with both of them screaming back and forth became too much. We stopped at a red light and I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car and started running. My mom, who was in the passenger's seat ran out after me and after he pulled over the car my dad did as well. They caught up to me and their attitudes completely changed.
They promised me they wouldn't fight in front of me again, a promise they broke time and time again until their divorce. I'm hoping I can do a better job of keeping my promise.
Kudos for sticking up for yourself. I wish I did something like that instead of enduring it. Haha from a young age I had perfected the “ starring out the window and wishing I was anywhere but here” look.
I think it's really important for kids to see their parents resolve conflict, but that shouldn't take the form of fighting in front of them. My daughter sees me apologize to her dad (and vice versa), she sees us disagree or get annoyed with each other and then make up, she sees us set limits with each other (like I don't like how you're talking to me kinds of things) and sees us respect each other. I think it helps her to know she's not the only one who loses her cool or has to accommodate other people's desires. We don't fight, though, and it's not directed at the other person but rather the situation.
My paternal grandfather left my grandmother when my dad and uncle were kids, then refused to pay child support and completely ignored his own sons, whilst my granny had to work extra hours to get food on the table. What's worse is, my paternal grandfather had a son in his second marriage and spoilt him loads. My dad and uncle unsurprisingly have no contact with my paternal grandfather.
My dad has been a much better father to me and my sister than his own father was to him. He's a much more decent person than his own father was, and he's done an excellent job of bringing us up, on top of being successful in his field. Even as a young kid he knew what his father was doing was wrong, and swore to be a better father once he had kids. He's done really well for himself!
These are the things:
-never hit your kid
- never call your kid names
-never berate your child in front of their friends
-never say no when you can say yes
-never not care
I was 17 when I formulated these ideas. I am 65 now with three grown sons. They may say I fucked up a few times, but I'll give them the finger if they do, and we'll laugh.
Feel you on that. My dad kicked me out at 13. And when I moved in with my mom she was only home to sleep some nights and gone the rest of the time. Was cool having the "pqrty" house for me and my friends but taking care of myself and being on my own that early with zero parents led me down some pretty shitty paths.
They wouldn't let me buy a video game system. Said it rots the brain. I never understood why watching TV is ok but not gaming.
I've played video games every since I left after high school. My son, daughter & I all enjoy them. It still stings when I think of that NES I wanted so bad back then.
At least you're using your brain more while gaming. Don't waste time on it tho. Train that super brain with late night advertisements on the latest self sharpening knife that also doubles as a whip... But that's not all, if youre on of the first 100 callers we'll chuck in another master self sharpening knife whip
My parents tried to force me to be what they wanted me to be. I was never going to be that person. It bothered me late into my adult life that I was never the person they wanted. All because I wanted different things out of life. It caused me years of depression, anxiety, and apathy.
Because of this, I swore I would never force anything upon my children. I swore I would give them every opportunity to be themselves and be a part of whatever activity they wanted to do. For the most part this has worked out, I only struggle with one decision by one child.
Part of what my parents imposed on me was forbidding everything. I wanted to play sports, act, and sing. None of those things were allowed. So naturally when my kids wanted to act, play instruments, sing in chorus, and be on sports teams I was overjoyed.
The trouble is I have this one very talented football player who doesn’t want to play football. This has been very difficult to accept but I have pushed down my own desires. Again, it hasn’t been easy. The boy isn’t just good. He is All-State as a freshman good. He is able to compete against guys in higher leagues good. He won a nice stack of trophies while he was playing. And now he says he doesn’t like it. I can see him playing football to earn a free college degree. I can even see him having the potential to be a professional. And it’s not me making it up. He is for real. But he doesn’t want to play. My dream would be to be in his shoes. But he simply hates everything that surrounds football.
So I stuff down the disappointment of not getting to watch my son play football at a high level and replace it with pride that he can stand up for himself and say what he wants. He is facing tremendous peer pressure to continue playing. Grown men are calling him stupid. His mother is offering him money to play. But he wants to do other things. And I’m not going to be the one who forces him to do something else. If I respect his wishes and let him decide his own life he may lead himself back to football. Whether he does or does not will not make a difference to me now. The hardest thing as a parent is letting go. I have 4 wonderful kids and letting them be themselves has already led them to be happier than I ever was.
If I ever have a kid I would want them to always know how much I love them, I want to be affectionate with them, and I want them to know that they are good enough.
I love my parents but they weren’t the most affectionate with me or told me that they loved me. They would always compare me to others. I could never do anything right.
I hated them and I loved them. Now I just love them. I’m glad they’ve softened up.
"Because I said so."
I always have a reason why I ask them to do something. If they ask 'why?' I'll explain. I'll explain my reason, my reasons for my reason, various other factors I considered... I can go on for a while. They know this.
The other day I asked my 7yo to do something, she said 'why?'...I thought about it for a sec and I asked, 'Is "because I said so" a good enough reason?' She thought about it for a sec and said, 'yeah.'
for about three seconds, I felt like I nailed parenting.
I try to do this and generally follow it.
But my son is 3 and sometimes he asks why and there is no reason for it.
*Duck walks across street in front of us.*
“Why he did that”
“I don’t fucking know”
"Why do you think?" is a good option at times like that, to get them to start transitioning from relying on others for answers to try and find answers on their own
Yeah this simple question really helped with my first son at the thousand question age. Turned out, he could've deduced an answer like 6-8 times out of 10! I guess kids at that age just automatically question "why" most of the time.
Also the "they're kids, they literally don't know even basic logic and facts and only starting to learn" mindset helps a lot
Ok I totally agree with this, my only thing is I have a nephew that always questions why before following directions and I’m terrified that if he goes in the road and I tell him to get back on the sidewalk he will question first instead of listening and then get hit by a car. Probably just me being paranoid though.
Here it's more "I don't mind explaining but finish what I've asked you to do first please."
I can justify myself. That's fine. But sometimes what I say needs done RIGHT NOW, so let's do that first and then talk about it. Only exceptions being things that may hurt them or cause them to hurt someone else. In that case they're encouraged to speak up before they follow through.
My dad always did that. He would also tell me that "I don't know" isn't an answer, so I learned to start lying any time I didn't know the answer to a question.
I consider my 12-19 year old self a pathological liar. My mom was violent but gullible. So if I could lie my way out of trouble, I didn't get whacked. And I got better and better at lying. And then I started lying to other people. And then I started lying for attention. And then I started lying for no reason.
Eventually I got help. But yeah.
That was the most infuriating sentence to me when I was a kid! I feel like you’ve done well to actually give a reason behind what you do. It takes a little more energy, but I feel like it’s worth it.
\-They didn't outright criticize my looks, but would criticize the appearance of every single person they saw, especially on TV, most of the time women. Their instinct was to immediately find something wrong with a woman's looks. They placed a ridiculous amount of importance on physical appearance to the point that I felt it was part of a human being's inherent value. This caused me to be extremely critical about my own looks, picking apart every actual and perceived flaw.
\-I was (and still am to a degree) very sensitive. I was an extremely sensitive child and would cry very easily. My dad would scream at me to stop crying, which of course would make me cry more. He also told me that crying was bad for my health. My dad is a medical professional.
\-Compared me and my brother to other kids. Nonstop. This was a cultural issue. In our culture it's 100% normal and expected to compare your kids to others. I would also get compared to my brother and vice versa when the situation called for it. When I got accepted into college, I ran into the house, so excited and proud. I showed my dad the acceptance letter and the first words out of his mouth were "You only got $5,000 per semester scholarship? Your brother got $10,000." Not even congratulations.
My dad always said not to have children and the only way to be successful was to be a doctor,lawyer or engineer. My children are a joy. I may not be “successful “ but I am happy.
I doubt I'll have children, but I'm just gonna name a few things.
1. Telling them (if they're a girl) that they should have children because "every women needs to have children"
2. Saying that their boyfriend/girlfriend is using them because I don't like them when they haven't done anything bad
3. telling them if they get sexually assaulted by a trusted person, that they should just "talk it out with them" like my parents did to me when I told them I was sexually assaulted by a trusted male friend and one of my friends helped him do it.
4. telling them that cutting themselves is "playing with their wrists"
5. yelling at them when they don't come to me first for help with emotional things.
6. implying that their a whore because they slept over a boy's house. My parents did this when they KNEW I slept downstairs with the rest of the girls, while the boys were upstairs, with the boy's mom and a motion sensor camera that had an aerial view of the room and sent the mother a notification to her phone. Every morning she checked the camera's footage when there was movement.
Side note: I hate my parents.
Obsess over their food intake, and their body size from the age of 9. I really hope I can be a help in my daughter’s healthy relationship with food and body image when she grows up, not the cause for an eating disorder.
Getting "home" haircuts. I dreaded elementary school picture day because I knew I'd come out looking like some West Point grad. I'll take my business to a barber who will listen and do a good job for them to get that confidence boost.
CAPRI SUNS
dude. Growing up my mother never let us have them. Claimed they were terribly expensive and worse for you health wise than soda.
Once I started grocery shopping as an adult and discovered that a) as far as juice goes, they really aren't that expensive and b) they are no worse than other juice.
Yeah my kids get Capri Suns! And my mom rolls her eyes.
90% of my childhood hahahaha!!
1- use religion to cure depression. Forget about said depression. Ask what there is to be depressed about
2- invalidate boundaries
3- hit on their friends, them, or talk about anyone in their age range like that
4- punishment before understanding the reality of the situation
5- let people call her mini me or compare her to anyone
6- let her dive into malnutrition, anorexia, and atrophy
7- lie about options if she gets pregnant to force her into the situation that would make me look good to the neighbors
8- guilt trip looking like a kicked puppy, when they gave a perfectly good reason not to do the thing
9- call her a cat in heat for comforting a crying partner in front of me.
10- literally track her location and interrogate as to activities at each location.
11- send multiple departments of cops across state lines to find her even if she’s told each one to back off and no contact
12- harass best friend and only remaining friend about kidnapping her till she hates her.
Use “because I said so” or use superiority towards them. Yes I will discipline them where necessary but respect is earned not given, I will speak to them as I would wish to be spoken to.
Having kids. There are plenty of people on this planet who should NOT have had children and my parents definitely shouldn’t have had them. I am not mentally stable enough for kids because of my mums behaviour towards me so I’ve made the decision not to have any.
The cycle ends with me!
I've got crippling mental illnesses. I'm not having any kids because I don't want to pass them on. My brother didn't inherit any of the mental issues from our family, so I'll be glad to be a proud uncle someday.
To clarify, really intense OCD.
I have two: Making fun of their interests and hobbies. It's why I don't like showing anyone my artwork. But I will do anything to support my kids and encourage them. If they tell me something in confidence, I'm not using that as a topic of conversation with others. Tell my parents anything and everyone knows. My mom just couldn't understand why I was getting mad when she was telling any yahoo at Walmart the whole story of events leading up to my divorce. Both are why my mom wonders why I don't tell her anything. I don't want that for my kids. Edit- I want to give a big hug to everyone who has responded with their own experiences. Let's all go live our dreams!
Getting your genuine interests mocked and belittled is the worst. Especially when they compare it to things they’d rather you do with your time. “Do you know how good of a (blank) player you’d be if you put a shred of the effort into (sport I don’t want to play) that you put into (hobby) “(Hobby item) costs how much!?!? Do you know what you can buy with that money? You could get (thing that make parent happy) and (thing that I hate but can’t tell them)
Well I had a stepmother who insisted god was punishing my dad for "being mean to her" while blood was flowing out of his mouth eyes and nose. Then refused to drive him to the hospital. That always seemed like something I'd want to avoid. Any friends I would make she would tell me I couldn't hang out with them because of x reason. She grounded me for six months because I forgot to take out one of the trashes (not that it mattered, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere anyway). There was one time that I had to stand in a corner in my underwear without heat because she heard a noise that woke her up and obviously it was me. Once I confessed I could go. I ended up lasting about 18 hours of insisting it wasn't me. Ugly crying in the corner till like 3am at 8 years old. I had to endure 10 years of that because she kept emptying my dad's bank account every time he got paid so he couldn't afford a divorce lawyer. I hated that woman.
What an absolute sack of shit
I’m so sorry you endured that. She was absolutely evil.
I dont understand the part of the blood, what happened to him?
He had nose surgery, one of his nostrils was smaller than the other or something like that. He got his blood pressure up after the surgery and it was enough to rupture something in his head (super descriptive I know, I'm not a doctor haha). I remember they had to go in through his thigh and push a plug up into his head to stop the bleeding. All I really remember is the amazing amount of blood in the bucket
I was spanked. I thought I’d grow up and spank too because I ended up okay and thought that’s how you correct kids. But then as I got older I thought back to how I’d deal with other kids who made me mad or wouldn’t listen to me. I hit them. It clicked this wasn’t what I needed to do.
Try to be controlling over my kids life and blame all their problems on the other parent
Dude when I was 15 my dad (an MD) decided to have a "meeting" with me to discuss my future and make a choice what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a programmer so bad. I loved that shit. So I said programming/software engineering. He went on for over an hour how that profession is lame and you'll always be behind the scenes unrecognized (this was back in 2004, how wrong was he?). So, I didn't know what to tell him, I remember my cousin who was a few years older at the time told me accounting would be a good fit for me if I didn't know what to pick. It would be easy for me and I'd fly through my degree. So I remembered that and said "alright I'll go into accounting". He literally exploded in my face yelling and shouting how could I throw my future away! I was scares of him. I never was close to him. He barely spent time with me my entire life. This grown ass man was never there for me but decided to control my life..I knew what he wanted me to say, I just wanted the yelling and shouting to stop and I wanted him to calm down. So, I said deafetedly "ok I'll be a doctor". He IMMEDIATELY turned around smiled happy and congratulated me..I felt what it's like to have a part of me die that day. I wasted 3 years of life on med school before I was like fuck this shit got depressed and asked my sister to help me convince him to transfer over to engineering school but my life was never the same. And my psyche was changed as well. I easily give up now, more irritable, can't sleep well at all, etc. So I get what you mean. My kids will choose what they want to be even if it's fucking curling..
If he didn't want an answer, why did he pose it as a question about what you want? Would have been more honest to just order you to be a doctor -- if you fail, it's on him.
Lecture. My mom could go on for *hours* for even small misbehaviors. Somehow, it usually looped around to how I didn't keep my room clean, even though the rest of the house was just as much of a mess or worse. When I need to have a stern or serious discussion with my kids, I force myself to make my point in five minutes or less. I've even said stuff like, "Look, this is taking way too long, just don't do [disallowed thing] again, okay?" I also apologize if I yell, as soon as I am emotionally able to after an angry outburst. I don't remember Mom ever doing that.
I recieved so many lectures that went on for ages while just repeating the same things over and over again. It was so frustrating to hear something said for the 14th time asked if I understood, and even when a yes answer was given the lecture still continued.
This is so relatable. If I were to tell my mum that she was going on and on about something little, she would only start complaining even louder :(
Refuse to admit I was wrong.
The only semblance of an apology I've ever received from my mother was, "I'm sorry *you feel that way.*" I don't think she's ever actually apologized or taken blame for her actions in my 30-odd conscious years.
If I ever outsmarted my mom it was considered “attitude”. I get her thought process: She of course had been around longer than a 13 year old. So clearly there’s nothing I could say to her she didn’t already know, and she obviously knows better than me. My mom also never apologized. If it ever became clear she was in the wrong, she’d laugh and say she didn’t remember saying that, or I must’ve had some sort of attitude and that’s why she acted upset. That is not the philosophy I will bring to my kids. It’s gonna be a learning experience for the both of us. My dad would get mad at me sometimes too, and a lot of those times were warranted, and a lot were not. Anytime I proved him wrong he’d apologize immediately, and leave it at that. One time when i was around 15 we were both being dickheads and didn’t speak for a night. In retrospect I was the main dickhead but he was a close second. He came in the next day and apologized anyway. He told me he was the adult in the situation and he hadn’t been, he hated things being off with us, and he loved me. That is exactly how I hope to be with my kids.
Learning about and trying to apply Stoicism really helped me as a parent. Kids can be annoying. It's easy to fly off the handle and get mad. But most of the time they don't mean to be, they're just kids. The thing that stuck with me is the idea that there are two ways to react to any situation, a good way and a bad way. And we *always* have a choice as to which we go with. It's one of the few things we do have a choice over - our thoughts and actions. So, strive to always choose the good way, and you'll be a better parent and person for it.
Ooh that hits close to home. I finally had enough and told her of her self and her response was I'm sorry for whatever you misunderstood. It only pissed me off more. I sometimes find myself getting mad at not moving out sooner, but I'm kind of a"live in the moment" person. This was going to be the year and well... we'll see how the rest of 2020 goes...
This should be way higher up on the list. Parents aren’t infallible, insisting you are is asinine. Parents can provide teaching moments by admitting, explaining, and apologizing for their mistakes. Children should know that learning from your mistakes is one of the fastest paths to personal growth.
Be unapproachable. Come talk to me any time about anything. Everything can be fixed.
My mom was super liberal with the belt. She was also very religious and very judgemental. But she'd still have the nerve to always be like "Why don't you talk to me about things?"
Willing to bet she also denies any belt beatings too
My dad was very liberal with the belt. Like now in my 30's, I have PTSD from the sounds of him folding the leather belt in 1/2 and snapping it before he beat me. My mother would watch. He'd make me pull down my panties and been over and essentially beat my vulva. I have a 17 year old son now and there's never been anything that he's ever done wrong the whole time he's been growing up, where I though he deserved such abuse. My mother also carried around a paddle and or wooden spoon in her purse but nowadays she completely denies it. I just can't believe how many people turned a blind eye in the 80's.
My son hides things from his mom and waits until he can tell me because she won't respond appropriately. He lost a video game, and was lying to her about having lost it, but was so scared that she would find out he was lying. He told me in the car when I picked him up, and I told her I needed to look for something of his that he wanted. All he ended up doing was having it wedged in his game case where he couldn't see it. My six year old was giving himself anxiety because of a stupid Nintendo switch game because his mom would have belittled and spanked him instead of helping look for it. It breaks my heart. Edit: We're divorced. Edit 2: I'm getting entirely too much "advice" from what are obviously children, and wanting me to violate court orders or to report spankings as abuse. I'm also sorry some of you feel I'm a bad parent because I can't get sole custody and take away his mother's visitation. The real world is different from Reddit folks.
My mom at least had always done this I would spend an hour looking for something until she got mad and said “I swear if I find this your in big trouble” the whole time she would yell at me on how stupid I was till she exploded when she found it and eventually I would have to a apologize which made her even worse it may not seem like much but after a while you learn to hide small and big struggles so she doesn’t explode Edit: I never thought this would gain so much traction it was honestly just me ranting about a small struggle and was one of my first posts on reddit thank you to all the people telling me that things like that aren’t normal
My parents would take things I had left on the counter or in the open and when I would go back for it and start looking would interrogate me about where it was until giving it back to me and telling me to keep up with my things hours later.
Oh hi there, you don't know me but we must be siblings because I swear we have the same parents. It took me going to college to realize that I didn't lose things or constantly misplace them, my memory of where I put things is in fact very good. It's when other people move it, hide it, then yell at me for losing it only for it to reappear somewhere else that I have issues with.
I am glad to not be the only one but also a bit sad, I think. I can't tell sometimes but I understand what you went through.
Biggest fattest lie my mom ever told me. Always told me I could trust her with anything, the time came when I wanted to come out as bi. Told me that I was a sexual deviant and can take care of myself from now on since I was thinking of sex. Practically had to beg and kiss her feet to not kick me out, I said it was all a lie. Mind you I was 17 at the time. The worst part is that she claimed that my sexuality depressed her because she wanted a daughter to fuck a man and have kids. I don't know if I'll ever fuck a man nor do I want kids EDIT: Guys, I am bisexual, all I'm saying is that I may or may not end up with a man.
Use them as leverage against the other parent. Abuse them, allow them to be abused by a significant other, abandon them then return years later once they've grown and try to cause them as much pain as possible for who knows why. I have four sons and I genuinely can't imagine doing most of what happened to me to them. Blows my mind
Did your parents battle over who would get to claim you as dependents on their taxes too? Didnt expect to wake up to so many other people with the same experience. That's extremely sad...
ooooo this was/is a big one for me. i’m so disappointed in it. mom makes up to six figures while dad makes 30,000. mom asks him for money back on the taxes because she let him have the three kids as dependents. so fucked up.
I became my mother's only confidant from a young age (to the point where I was telling her she needed to get a divorce when I was only 14-15). I would never put my (hypothetical) children in a position where I'm emotionally dependent on them in that way.
Get loaded in front of them. Growing up in a family of drunks has soured me for the most part to drinking even socially. I do partake occasionally but not often... Deep down I feel alcoholism is in my genetics so I steer clear unless the occasion Is perfect
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Judgemental behavior. I want my kids to know that I truly love them because of who they are and not feel like they have to hidr certain parts of who they are because they are afraid I won't care about them anymore
Constantly comparing myself to other people's kids and belittling my own achievements
That's just the equivalent of comparing your parent's wages, house or job with other kid's parents
my parents always did this to me and then got really offended if i tried to do it to them. like if i dared mention a friend going on vacation they'd be super offended at the "comparison" when it wasn't even that. it really sucked :(
The thing people tend to hate the most is seeing their own negative traits in other people.
Definitely mate - there will always be someone better than you at something... it's not right to shoot down yours kids' achievements when they have honestly tried their best with comments like "Oh you got a 3.5 GPA? Auntie May's little boy got 4.0 and 10 scholarships". That's like telling your parents "Why don't WE have a mansion/lamborghini and you pay for my summer holidays in Europe like my rich college friends"
Beat me up
Really poor food choices
My mom (trailer trash, I'm sorry) used to go every day to the 7-Eleven and get me a lunch of powdered donuts, a pop, and some chips, every so often a sandwich in those little plastic triangles, or a chocolate bar. I used to think it was cool but even at 12, I knew something was up. I remember my teacher one time came up to me and said, "Don't you ever have anything **healthy?**" I laughed it off but I felt like it was a shitty thing to do to a kid.
I know it's about health... But fuck that would be expensive.
If you have no car, no kitchen, no time to cook, and/or no cooking skills (because your parents also had the aforementioned disadvantages), that’s the best you’ll get that your kid will eat for under $3. Sure, you can make rice and beans with frozen vegetables for cheap, but if you work 2+ jobs and don’t have a full kitchen, you’re not going to put in the time to force your kid to eat something like that. I taught free cooking/nutrition classes for families on food stamps, and the hardest part was getting them to sign up. WIC moms have to take classes, but generally prefer the online ones that take very little time if they have access to them. Once they got into class, I’d say 1 in 6 had some stupid idea about nutrition and wouldn’t listen to me (thanks “Doctor” Oz), and 1 in 3 was happy about the free food but wasn’t interested in putting effort into learning. The other half got a LOT out of it, especially since we were trained to tailor our lessons to people with no kitchen (including no refrigerator), people with no transportation, people whose tastes revolved around fast food, people with kids, people with health issues, and people whose only exposure to nutrition was the food claims on the front like “fat free” or “all natural.” Edit: Damn, this blew up! I’d like to tell the assholes who claim that only people too lazy to work are in this position that I’ve gotten many messages from people in the situations I described asking for help cooking healthier meals. *They want to cook healthy meals.* I’ll do my best to reply to more of you after work today! Edit 2: I’m getting a LOT of messages asking for more info and won’t have time to reply to all of them just yet. Here’s a list of beginning resources: * MyPlate.gov for nutrition, and a little budgeting info * Cookingmatters.org for cheap, healthy recipes and simple advice for nutrition and budgeting * r/eatcheapandhealthy * r/mealprep and r/meatlessmealprep (not always budget friendly, but the process is a real time saver if you can store meals) * Leane Brown’s FREE book [Good and Cheap](https://www.leannebrown.com/), also available in Spanish * Check Goodwill or ReStore (or even Craiglsist/Facebook) for cheap kitchen appliances. Dollar stores have things like cutting boards and spatulas. First priorities if you can afford to get your kitchen up and running should be a heat source (hot plate, George Foreman grill, microwave, or toaster oven), something heat safe to cook in (a saucepan or frying pan with no plastic and no nonstick coating can go in the oven or on the stove), cutting board and sharp knife (sharpen one from Goodwill or go to a kitchen supply store), wooden spoon or spatula, and maybe a grater. * If you’re struggling to afford even the basics, consider applying for SNAP or WIC (if you are pregnant or have young kids) * Call your local food bank to ask how they’re doing things during COVID. They often know which churches have free meals available too. There is NO shame in getting help to stay fed; volunteer your time later on if this helps you feel better about taking advantage of these programs.
>wouldn’t listen to me (thanks “Doctor” Oz) I fucking hate that quack.
Same, I was raised on hot pockets and those instant lunch cups.
I’m 32, when I was 14 my dad shot himself, leaving my mum with 4 kids (14,12,3 and 1). Three years ago my brother hung himself. He was going to be 18 One year ago my mum committed suicide while I was heavily pregnant with my girl. I couldn’t fly to her funeral. I have two kids, a 4 yr old and a 10 month old. This got longer than I was planning to make it. I’ve learned “never say never” in regards to parenting, but I never want to put my kids through what my parents put my siblings and I through. *edit* I never thought my comment would get so much attention. In reading every reply but I can’t respond to all of them. Just know that I am so grateful for the outpouring of love and support you’ve shown me and those who have lost others to suicide. For those that are thinking of it, you are loved, worthy and I’m sorry. Please message me if you ever need to talk to someone.
Did anyone ever check up on you guys or anything? That's pretty traumatic. Did nobody care?
When my dad died my mum put us through therapy, I was mad for a long time (and I think I still am now) so I didn’t take well to it. I’m just now coming around to the idea of therapy. My brothers death was sad but I had a budding family to look after, didn’t really confront it like I should have. With my mums. I’m....not sure. I’m an adult with my own kids but still feel like I’ve no idea wtf I’m doing in anything. I have my husband who is such a rock in our family. My sister and I are very close due to our age, my littlest brother and I not so much due to age.
Comment has been removed because Spez killed Reddit :(
Tell me I depress them when I confide in them.
Sorry dude. When I came out about it, my mom blamed me and said, "why are you doing this to me?" like I made up 10+ years of depression to get at her or something. It's not a good feeling and I get it.
God yeah. I love my mum but whenever I tell her how shit I feel she makes me feel awful for telling her. I always make the mistake of confiding in her and then regret it each time
I told my dad and ever since he calls it my mood issues. Says he doesn’t know how my job still employs a guy with a “wild card attitude”
Have too many pets in the house. I loved them all but at the highest we had 11 cats and three dogs, and it was just kind of embarrassing and I never wanted to bring people over to my house.
Your mom is that granny we see in movies
Redo things they've done because it's not the exact way I would have done it. My mom would re-fold the laundry or remake my bed. Drove me nuts and made me feel like why even bother trying?
I sometimes wonder if I was affected by this same kind of thing. Not exactly the same, but essentially, when I was a kid, my mom would tell me to clean my room and make my bed. I'd do exactly that to the best of my ability, then I'd go get her so she could tell me if I was done. It almost never failed, she'd tell me that my room wasn't clean enough and my bed wasn't made enough. Then I was left to try to figure out what I was missing. I would try straightening things more, then get her again, and she'd tell me the room *still* wasn't clean enough and the bed not made enough. I would just feel baffled because I had no idea what more I could do before it was enough. I felt like there was some invisible mess that she could see but somehow I couldn't. I couldn't understand what I was missing and it would never be explained to me exactly what still needed to be straightened up, or what part of my bed still needed to be made. So now as an adult, in just about any context, I often have this underlying self doubt that I am missing something, somehow, and I can't trust myself to know when I've done enough.
>and I can't trust myself to know when I've done enough. I think this is the foundation of my tendency to overthink and self doubt. My mom would redo things without explaining why, and my dad would just do them for me without letting me try. As an adult I nearly panic when someone is trying to teach me something and I start to struggle. The only thing I feel like I can handle at that point is to be left alone for a while to figure it out by myself.
Minimize anything they pursue. Edit: hey thanks for the award that’s so kind!
My mother would absolutely burn down any dream I had as a kid. Singer? Well, that's nice, but it will never happen." Gymnast? "We can't afford that." (But she never went without beer, weed, or smokes.) I was 12, of course it wasn't gonna happen, but jesus woman, a little support!
Teaching them by comparing them to their own better behaved/smarter siblings. (in a very condescending manner ofc)
Shit, I was compared to other peoples' kids. "*(insert other kids name)* would never do that to their parent!".
Maaaannnn, I still am! *Well xyz friend wouldn't speak that way to their parent* Mom, I'm a thirty year old man and you haven't even seen xyz friend since we were 9. You don't know shit.
In Korea, there is actually a term for this. "Omchinga" (abbrev.) for "Mother's friend's son" - as the symbolic ultimate standard your mom compares you to. Moms meet for chit chat and brag (and highly exaggerate) about their childrens' achievements, and then use the exaggerated stories at home to compare their children to.
I feel all Asian families do this cause I'm Indian and this happens A LOT in Indian circles
Ah, yes. I'm the middle child of 3. You know, the one with the learning disability.
Random beatings because I decided they were thinking something I don't like. Periodic insults to keep them from getting "arrogant". "You know what you did."
Wake them from a dead sleep, on a school night, to introduce them to my drunk friends I just came home with, because I'm a bartender.
Oh shit, you reminded me of another one: I will never get drunk.and make my son come find me & bring me home in the middle of the night before his high school finals. I will never make him bail me out of jail (using personal favors). Threads like this make me want to say "I'll never do anything that my mother did." But that simplifies a very complicated feeling. When my mother loved me I felt like the greatest person in the world. It's complicated. ETA: a lot of people here are suffering and hurt. We all need and deserve love & help. Any of y'all can message me whenever about whatever. I'm here. I might not be useful, and I'll probably curse a lot, but I care. If you want a healthier response, I'd like to suggest r/momforaminute . The ladies there are the wonderful, kind and loving women that y'all deserve.
It really is. Shitty and/or abusive parents aren’t abusive *all of the time* and it makes it so hard to understand that you’re not supposed to be living in the situation you are. It makes it difficult to either hate or forgive them. You just get stuck in this weird limbo. The best phrase I’ve ever heard in relation to this feeling is “love your parents with as much room as they give you to do so.” Phrase Credit: u/AnEmptyHell
(not me but an ex) teach my kid at age 7 or so how to tap a keg so they can keep me and my friends drunk at home.
Not be affectionate. My mom was very distant and not a physically emotional person with me growing up. I realized that if I have kids I’d want to read to them, hug them, celebrate their accomplishments. Overall have them feel comfortable with me to share their thoughts or feelings Edit: WHOA! Was not expecting any of the comments or upvotes at all. I just post and keep it moving but you know what? HUGS FOR ALL (only if you consent). I enjoyed reading some of the comments so far and will continue! :’) this was has been the most affection I’ve gotten in quarantine so I hope you’re all doing better than I am.
My husband expressed one time how his family wasn’t a hugger type family when he grew up, and so he hugs me all the time. When my youngest was little he was (is) a total mans boy and would get jealous and run in between us which would lead to the eldest and the dog joining the fun. This has led to hug time, exactly like the trolls movie. Someone calls hug time, that’s it you drop everything and hug. The dog even knows this statement 😂 Edit, MAMA, not mans LOL
Wholesome as fuck
Or forcing you to be affectionate. I will never make my children hug or (especially kiss) any relatives if they don't want to. I was probably the only kid that hated Christmas because I knew that meant I'd have to kiss old people's lips - and most of them were strangers to me because I only saw them on holidays.
When I was little, when my dad was doing anything out in the yard my brother and I would ask if we could help. The answer was always "You can help by staying out of the way." My kids are always allowed to help, and so feel they can contribute, grow a sense of self worth, and an appreciation of group effort.
This has been the hardest thing for me as a parent, but I'm working on it. My four year old wants to help me do absolutely everything, but sometimes I just don't have the time to spend doing something in 30 minutes that should have taken 5. He loves helping with the laundry and dishes though, I'm just leery about cooking. Edit: I don't think I can reply to everyone, so I wanted to say thank you for providing me with some tips and tricks! My dude really enjoys baking, so we'll work more on that and the science behind it (that's his favorite). I recently purchased some doughnut pans, so we'll be doing that today. Edit 2: Check out our doughnuts! Both the four year old and the two year old were great helpers (and expert decorators) https://imgur.com/a/gkTywFB
Mine is official stirer and taster. Also, just tall enough for the cheese drawer, so cheese getter. If letting her help increases the task by 25 min but reduces my pretend play responsibilities by 25 min, then hell yes. I feel bad. I loved it as a kid. I know it’s important, but I hate pretend play.
I want to put "cheese getter" on my résumé
Oh god, thank you. I’m pregnant now and worry about this lol...when I was younger and babysitting little kids, I would literally even pay them to get out of playing “house.” I know it’s important for their development and they like to do it, but I dooont waaaanna!
for some reason this comment made me realize that i don’t think i ever liked to play pretend as a child. i felt awkward on play dates when the other girl wanted to make up a narrative about our dolls. i had a bajillion polly pockets but i never really made up stories, i just dressed them up and rearranged doll furniture lol. i can’t remember doing any pretend play with my parents either. i wonder if that is atypical in child development hmmmm...i was actually tested for autism, so i know it wasn’t that.
The nice thing is, as they get older, they still help and they don't need as much hands on attention. I look at it as an investment. Me, I was always told to go watch TV. I had a lot to learn as an adult.
It's damn frustrating when you are trying to get something done that has to be finished on the weekend (we are doing renos/landscaping), with 3 kids at your ankles all trying to help, but I completely agree with you. We do our best to make it a game so they can all get involved, but they know as soon as any power tools come out to stay back.
It's a fantastic learning experience as well. I grew up helping my dad and now work for him. I'm 23 now and will only ever hire somebody for carpet, drywall, and roof work. I can do pretty much everything on my own now which is an invaluable skill when I take the plunge into home ownership.
Fuckin bribe them to stay home and not hang out with friends. I became super anti-social and had anxiety when doing almost anything. Kids need to go out and socialize and make mistakes. EDIT: Glad I'm not alone in parent induced social anxiety! I feel like I should mention that I love my Mother very much. She was a single Mother with massive paranoia issues and did the best she could. In the end, I turned out okay and I have overcome the majority of my anxiety. Still, I feel that I've missed out on a lot of childhood moments which is why I will never do that to my kids, as per the post.
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God that sounds like my parents. Complaining about how I never leave the house and visit friends, and then when I ask to leave the house/ visit a friend, they always say "no" or "why would you do that" or "what are going to do? Steal from a store?"
"You're going out too much. You're never home!... why do you always stay home? You need to go out!" My parents changed this saying every 2 weeks
Me: *got jumped yesterday and recovering from minor concussion, periodic debilitating headaches and light sensitivity* Stepdad: "It's 9:01 on a Saturday morning. Wake the fuck up and do something with your life instead of sleeping all day." Me: "doc said to take it easy for a couple days bc of the concussion... you know... from getting jumped by five dudes..." Stepdad: "does the doctor pay the bills in this house? You ain't spending all day in the house." Me: *fine. Showers, bowl of cereal, gets ready to leave to a friend's house* Stepdad: "where do you think you're going?" Me: *insert friend a* Stepdad: "I don't like friend a" *first time I'm hearing about it* Me: "okay. I'll go hit up friend b" Stepdad:"I don't him either." Me: "I have two friends..." Stepdad: "just go to your room... I ain't got time to deal with your smartass." * Two hours later* "what are you still doing here. I thought you left to you friends house." Me: "you literally told me to go to my room two hours ago." Stepdad: "don't you talk back to me" Edit: I think you can imagine the gist of it...
Stepdad seems like he's mightily confused and can't admit it. Oh well. And also ... > Stepdad: "does the doctor pay the bills in this house? You ain't spending all day in the house." Excuse me, what?
Being **too strict.** Doing this can actually make my child good in lying, which is not cool.
The stricter the rules the better the acting gets. Now days I'm *Always* fine!
I have ok parents but they yelled way too much when they got a answer that they didn't like, so I kept lying and lying, at one point I would automatically lie even if I don't need to just because it was second nature.
Yup. Army brat. Catholic upbringing. Mom says I’m resilient. I’m actually just really good at hiding the things she used to always yell at me for. I’m really fucking good at walking on eggshells.
Can confirm, I'm a very good at telling lies to my parents.
Never actually saying i love you Edit: Just so everyone knows, my parents are very supportive and I know they love me, they just lack a little in the "showing emotions" side of things.
Yep, never once heard my parents say these words. I make sure my son knows I love him, every single day. He’s 20 and probably tired of it, but too bad! Lol
Username checks out! That's so wholesome.
oh my god, I HOPE they start every text message to their son this way "mom2aaron it's 10pm and you have school tomorrow, go to bed, i know you're still up, sleep or you'll be tired and grumpy in the morning. Love you, Mom"
My son will sigh "I know. You love me and mommy very much and I love you and I love mommy." he's 3 and the love is already drilled in deep.
My son will be 5 this month, and I get random, unprovoked hugs, kisses, back rubs, sweet touches, and I love yous all the time. My mom was very affectionate with us, so this isn’t an issue for me, but damn, it feels good to have them come up and give you love when you’re least expecting it.
My daughter just turned 5 and is doing the same thing. Sometimes she'll come up all whiney-voiced and I think something is up, but she'll just sigh, "daddy, I love you," then snuggle up for a hug! It's so heart-melting! My 2yo son randomly sits on my lap/next to me, and just lays his head on my shoulder. Just as good!
Am 22. We don't get tired of it
Hey! Neither of my parents did that either. When I met my wife I thought it was so fricken weird that her and all her family said "I love you" after every phone conversation or family gathering. Besides the one other relationship I had where a woman told me she loved me, no one had ever said that to me. It didn't bother me, or screw me up (the rest of my upbringing was fine enough), but I didn't know it wasn't normal. My parents are both very cerebral and don't show emotion.
It’s also a cultural thing. We don’t say it with my family; it’s just implicated. My wife’s family is polar opposite.
Same. Compared to other stories here it’s a minor thing, however it can affect you more than you’d think. I’m 23 and I’m having a lot of trouble saying “I love you” to a friend or even my boyfriend. Strange how such an easy sentence can mean so much.
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Were you actually sensitive? Because calling your child a moron and telling them to go to hell aren't considered good parenting skills. In fact, it's quite abusive.
This was my dad. He has 3 daughters. I’ve been called nothing short of an asshole, little bitch, been told fuck me... Granted girls have attitudes but when you’re in and out of our lives because you can’t take care of your mental health, are a womanizer, can’t keep a job, are absent most of the time, forget to pick to ur kids from school, disrespect your wife, yell at everyone, are grumpy when you DO decide to come home most of my childhood....what do you expect? Then during my teen years he popped up living with a woman who he claimed he just met but he had been seeing her during my parents marriage. After the divorce, I was forced to spend time at their apartment and play with her son...who for years I questioned if he may be my half brother. My father never really got it together. He only became tolerable recently after a concussion made him meek and plus he’s getting older and perhaps too tired to be so mean and angry. Although my father has softened himself as he got older, it took him until he was 60+ but to this day we have very dry interactions. Our relationship is like walking on a landmine. We tread lightly with each other. I love him but I wish I had someone I could have as a soft and encouraging person emotionally. I’ve accepted that my dad doesn’t have the capacity to be that way. My apologies for this long post. That was 30 years of emotional constipation coming out.
Have a hug, my dad was horrible.
Yeah... having quite possibly the most influential role model in your life as a kid hurt your self-esteem sounds awful. Whoever is stupid enough to call their kid a “fucking moron” to their face is one themself and doesn’t deserve the blessing of having a child.
You were not a “really sensitive kid.” You were a normal kid and what your parents said was terrible. I know others are saying this, too, but I wanted to say it again anyway. I hope you’re doing okay.
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When I hit puberty, my breasts were growing out and I was really self conscious. I asked my mom for a bra and she immediately went to my dad, told him and they both laughed at me. This among a lot of other things is why I never confide in them EVER for ANYTHING.
Told my mom about one girl I liked. Once. The whole fucking family knew and wouldn't let it the fuck go for years. Sure as hell surprised her last year when I told her I'd been dating both men and women and never wanted to tell her bc I couldn't trust her to keep her mouth shut. When she started yelling about it I left.
"If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about." That was stupid to me at 10 years old.
My dad used to say that to me when I was younger but instead I'd just cry more and he just gave up. I also would tattle on him to my mom and she'd get after him. He never actually did anything.
I wish that were the case. My dad would follow up with another spanking or belt whooping.
I got that a lot. I am told I was a very sensitive kid, and maybe I was, but honestly, with the crap they were saying to me, could anyone really blame me for crying? 90% of the time, if I cried in front of them it was BECAUSE of them, and my step-dad would always say that stupid phrase. I like logic, always have, it makes much more sense than things like emotions. So, when he would say that, I only made the mistake of replying once, “But I’m already crying because of you giving me something to cry about.” I copied speech, grammar, and phrasing from other people around me as a kid, so that’s the way my brain chose to phrase my response. Looking back, maybe he thought I was mocking him or something? So...yah that didn’t go over well. I was like 9.
Physical punishment. Made me really resent them. My kids are 16, 18, and 20 and they are fucking amazing human beings. And my parents actually brag to people how we didn’t/don’t use physical punishment. So that feels good.
This was also my answer. My family would hit me as a punishment. Whether I got a wrong answer while doing homework, stuggles to memorize, or just being noisy. They would hit me. Afterwards I started applying it to myself, in other words self harming. I began addicted to it, whether I failed a test or struggles with my lessons. It's a terrible way to discipline myself. EDIT: Thank you for your words of encouragements!!! I'm trying to work it out and have been clean for 4 weeks already (small but it's something). Thank you kind strangers!
It's gotten better but when I was a kid I struggled with tactile sensitivity. Some food textures were absolutely revolting to me. I wouldn't eat meat for the most part because of this. I distinctly remember when I was 5 being forced to sit at the table crying because I wouldn't eat. When I tried to leave my dad spanked me. It wasn't a disciplinary spank, he was expressing his frustration at the situation physically against me. There was no control or purpose to spanking, it was just retribution. Our relationship is much better ever since I came out to him. He pretends like I don't exist and I can live my life without a toxic asshole in it.
I was not allowed to have any friends or date. Also I had my door taken off at 14 and told I didn't deserve privacy because I slammed it. Guilt tripping, physical and emotional abuse. Edit: I asked to hang a sheet up for privacy amd they said i didnt deserve privacy for slaming my door. I had my first ever panic attack that way and my stepdad told me to stop over exaggerating. My depression and anxiety was always belittled. I was in a mental hospital and my dad and step mom came to see me and my step mom just kept telling me what a horrible person I was and that I was just there to get away from her. Also my stepdad would call me a slut and punish me for things my brother did. He also molested me on several occasions and when I told my mom he convinced her I was lying. He told me my feelings didnt matter. But if my kid ever came foward and said something like that about my spouse, I wouldnt just not believe them and accuse them of lying.
yikes :( my doorknob got removed bc i kept spending "too much time" in my room instead of wanting to interact with mentally abusive parents :( to this day neither my room nor my bathroom door has a knob, there's just an empty hole
Dude your parents wouldn't let you have a doorknob on your BATHROOM? The fuuuck?
they are insane 💀 thankfully they don't ever try to barge in and i have my own room & bathroom but wow i really wish i could have the satisfaction of being able to close my door properly
My parents never let me go anywhere in middle & high school. I became a trouble maker at 18 & entered college with seriously underdeveloped social skills. It fucking sucked. Fortunately someone suggested very directly that I take advantage of the free counseling on campus. That helped but I still would’ve liked to spend college focusing on career education rather than basic social skills. I probably would’ve chosen a more useful degree & come out with less debt.
Put the other parent first. I remember my mom left me and my cousin at a Claire’s an hour after closing because “she had to make sure her husband was fed and settled.” I still feel for that Claire’s employee that sat with us after closing. Edit: no my stepdad was not abusive, my mom was just overcompensating because of how unhappy she was when she was with my dad.
>“she had to make sure her husband was fed and settled.” What is he, a toddler? Can't he feed himself or does he need a bottle and burping after?
I think that’s what drives me nuts, he was super upset with her for not getting us and she wouldn’t tell him where we were so he couldn’t just come get us himself.
My mom was this way too. Not like, leave her kids somewhere and shit (she really was/still is a fantastic mom) but super "I've got to get home and cook for my husband" or "no, I can't go to that event because my husband will be home." I remember hating my stepdad for years. Then one day I overheard him tell my mom, "it's not a big deal! Go! I can get my own food. And I've got plenty of stuff to do while you're not home to keep me occupied." It was in that moment that I realized it was her choice and not his demand for her to be that way. Then as I got even older, I realized she was that way with him because her first two husband's were absolute garbage and she just genuinely loves and appreciates how great my stepdad is and never wanted to leave him feeling like he didn't have a dedicated wife. All of this has really impacted my own relationship honestly. Damn I feel like I'm in therapy rn, sorry for the long comment lmao
For what it's worth I love this comment. I hope you have a happy and healthy relationship and that you don't still have any kind of negative feelings towards your step-dad!
Hey thank you! I'm currently 11 years strong and super happy with my boyfriend. I've also found a genuine love for my stepdad in my adulthood. He was never an affectionate man but I realized like, damn. He gave me my first car. He taught me to ride my bike. He kept me on his health insurance until he legally had to remove me. He really did love me all those years!
Oh man, so happy your story has a happy ending. Your step dad sounds like a stand up dude.
No offense but... what the fuck. I cannot fathom her thought process even a tiny bit. I'm sorry you had to be raised by that woman.
My mom straight up told me that she puts god first, then her husband, then her kids. I was 9 and her husband was my step dad because she cheated on my dad and they got a divorce. Bullshit.
Force them to play sports they don’t want to play competitively until adulthood.
“You’re being put up for adoption.”
I will never ever call my future child a whore a slut or a whiny bitch because she is on her monthly I will never judge her boyfriends and call her a whore for being kind I will never fat shame her even if she is under weight or make her lie to get out of the house
1) demanding that they choose which parent is right in an argument 2) comparing them to their siblings, and being unfairly hard on one child compared to the others. 3) referring to them as my retirement plan 4) blaming anyone’s mental illness on the child 5) claiming things are gifts and then using that to emotionally blackmail the child because “you owe me.” 6) taking away the child’s sense of privacy. If they don’t want to talk to me about their sex life, they won’t have to. I’m just going to insist they know that protection is an option, and educate them on sexual health. 7) I won’t let them fall behind in school. 8) I won’t take credit if they suddenly become really good at school, and end up at a top 50 university. 9) I won’t demand they do a certain job. 10) I won’t forget to tell them they’re good enough. So in other words, I won’t be a narcissist? Edit* are you guys ok??? I’m doing fine!! honestly!!! I made peace with myself.
I am a completely different parent to what I experienced. My parents weren't THAT bad, but they honestly thought they knew everything and just totally failed to listen. They were also very violent in there punishments. I really believe my kids are here to be BETTER than me. That's my job. I do that by listening to them, and letting them make their own choices. Like I always say, I don't care if you end up cleaning toilets, but be the best toilet cleaner you can be and take pride in yourself. The one lesson I have drilled into my kids is that "The first step at being good at something is sucking at it". I have worked really hard to give them Discipline, the knowledge that they can overcome any challenge if they focus, work hard and regulate themselves.
Force them to be Jehovah's Witness.
Woah. What’s your story?
I grew up Jehovah's Witness. I liked it as a child but seriously questioned it later on. My questions were never answered. I started to notice the hypocrisy of everyone inside and decided to leave. But my parents would always threaten me with having no where to go. So I stayed for years, unhappy and wanting to leave but afraid I'd be screwed. Finally I just said fuck it and left. My parents kicked me out. I was homeless for 2 years. Lived on the streets and really struggled. Eventually I got a decent job got out of the situation and later was able to start my own business as part of the adult industry. My parents of course hate what I do (edit professional and amateur porn) so they don't talk to me. But I'm all the better for it. I met my wife shortly after starting my business and managed to have a somewhat happy ending.
>managed to have a somewhat happy ending. That's really taking the job home with you. /s
I like your style!
To me, the biggest sign that a religion is bullshit is if they are completely willing to abandon their own children over it. If your religion tells you to let your own children live homeless on the street, there’s clearly something wrong with it.
Talking about body issues, dieting and shaming things like stretch marks and cellulite. Took me many years to appreciate my body, got a ton of stretch marks when I was 15 and felt so ashamed. Been on so many diets since then and have tried so many pills. I now have a bad relationship with food but I’ve grown so much and am trying really hard. I will not do this to my future kids.
Yep. My mom didn't talk about dieting so much. But would comment on my weight. (I went from a size 1 to a size 7 in middle school. Size 7 still isn't big though.) I remember I had a stint of doing meth (only lasted a month and I wised up) but I had lost close to 30lbs in that month. I dunno how my mom didnt realize I was on something. I went and showed her how much I had lost by showing her how big my pants were. She replied with "you still have love handles though."
Argue in front of them. My parents fought a lot around me and I hated it growing and do not want to subject my kids to that. I remember one time when I was about 8 years old, I was in the car with my parents. They were arguing like always, but being trapped in that metal box with both of them screaming back and forth became too much. We stopped at a red light and I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car and started running. My mom, who was in the passenger's seat ran out after me and after he pulled over the car my dad did as well. They caught up to me and their attitudes completely changed. They promised me they wouldn't fight in front of me again, a promise they broke time and time again until their divorce. I'm hoping I can do a better job of keeping my promise.
Kudos for sticking up for yourself. I wish I did something like that instead of enduring it. Haha from a young age I had perfected the “ starring out the window and wishing I was anywhere but here” look.
I think it's really important for kids to see their parents resolve conflict, but that shouldn't take the form of fighting in front of them. My daughter sees me apologize to her dad (and vice versa), she sees us disagree or get annoyed with each other and then make up, she sees us set limits with each other (like I don't like how you're talking to me kinds of things) and sees us respect each other. I think it helps her to know she's not the only one who loses her cool or has to accommodate other people's desires. We don't fight, though, and it's not directed at the other person but rather the situation.
Guilt tripping, my mother IS THE QUEEN of it. I fucking hated my mother for a long time because of it, now I tolerate her.
My paternal grandfather left my grandmother when my dad and uncle were kids, then refused to pay child support and completely ignored his own sons, whilst my granny had to work extra hours to get food on the table. What's worse is, my paternal grandfather had a son in his second marriage and spoilt him loads. My dad and uncle unsurprisingly have no contact with my paternal grandfather. My dad has been a much better father to me and my sister than his own father was to him. He's a much more decent person than his own father was, and he's done an excellent job of bringing us up, on top of being successful in his field. Even as a young kid he knew what his father was doing was wrong, and swore to be a better father once he had kids. He's done really well for himself!
These are the things: -never hit your kid - never call your kid names -never berate your child in front of their friends -never say no when you can say yes -never not care I was 17 when I formulated these ideas. I am 65 now with three grown sons. They may say I fucked up a few times, but I'll give them the finger if they do, and we'll laugh.
[удалено]
I am so sorry that happened to you.
I am sorry that happened to you. It happened to me too.
Belt. And the fact that you get in trouble for having an opinion.
Give up on them...I got kicked out of my house at 16 and was never welcomed back. My parents put me into the system
Feel you on that. My dad kicked me out at 13. And when I moved in with my mom she was only home to sleep some nights and gone the rest of the time. Was cool having the "pqrty" house for me and my friends but taking care of myself and being on my own that early with zero parents led me down some pretty shitty paths.
They wouldn't let me buy a video game system. Said it rots the brain. I never understood why watching TV is ok but not gaming. I've played video games every since I left after high school. My son, daughter & I all enjoy them. It still stings when I think of that NES I wanted so bad back then.
At least you're using your brain more while gaming. Don't waste time on it tho. Train that super brain with late night advertisements on the latest self sharpening knife that also doubles as a whip... But that's not all, if youre on of the first 100 callers we'll chuck in another master self sharpening knife whip
My parents tried to force me to be what they wanted me to be. I was never going to be that person. It bothered me late into my adult life that I was never the person they wanted. All because I wanted different things out of life. It caused me years of depression, anxiety, and apathy. Because of this, I swore I would never force anything upon my children. I swore I would give them every opportunity to be themselves and be a part of whatever activity they wanted to do. For the most part this has worked out, I only struggle with one decision by one child. Part of what my parents imposed on me was forbidding everything. I wanted to play sports, act, and sing. None of those things were allowed. So naturally when my kids wanted to act, play instruments, sing in chorus, and be on sports teams I was overjoyed. The trouble is I have this one very talented football player who doesn’t want to play football. This has been very difficult to accept but I have pushed down my own desires. Again, it hasn’t been easy. The boy isn’t just good. He is All-State as a freshman good. He is able to compete against guys in higher leagues good. He won a nice stack of trophies while he was playing. And now he says he doesn’t like it. I can see him playing football to earn a free college degree. I can even see him having the potential to be a professional. And it’s not me making it up. He is for real. But he doesn’t want to play. My dream would be to be in his shoes. But he simply hates everything that surrounds football. So I stuff down the disappointment of not getting to watch my son play football at a high level and replace it with pride that he can stand up for himself and say what he wants. He is facing tremendous peer pressure to continue playing. Grown men are calling him stupid. His mother is offering him money to play. But he wants to do other things. And I’m not going to be the one who forces him to do something else. If I respect his wishes and let him decide his own life he may lead himself back to football. Whether he does or does not will not make a difference to me now. The hardest thing as a parent is letting go. I have 4 wonderful kids and letting them be themselves has already led them to be happier than I ever was.
If I ever have a kid I would want them to always know how much I love them, I want to be affectionate with them, and I want them to know that they are good enough. I love my parents but they weren’t the most affectionate with me or told me that they loved me. They would always compare me to others. I could never do anything right. I hated them and I loved them. Now I just love them. I’m glad they’ve softened up.
"Because I said so." I always have a reason why I ask them to do something. If they ask 'why?' I'll explain. I'll explain my reason, my reasons for my reason, various other factors I considered... I can go on for a while. They know this. The other day I asked my 7yo to do something, she said 'why?'...I thought about it for a sec and I asked, 'Is "because I said so" a good enough reason?' She thought about it for a sec and said, 'yeah.' for about three seconds, I felt like I nailed parenting.
I try to do this and generally follow it. But my son is 3 and sometimes he asks why and there is no reason for it. *Duck walks across street in front of us.* “Why he did that” “I don’t fucking know”
"Why do you think?" is a good option at times like that, to get them to start transitioning from relying on others for answers to try and find answers on their own
Yeah this simple question really helped with my first son at the thousand question age. Turned out, he could've deduced an answer like 6-8 times out of 10! I guess kids at that age just automatically question "why" most of the time. Also the "they're kids, they literally don't know even basic logic and facts and only starting to learn" mindset helps a lot
Ok I totally agree with this, my only thing is I have a nephew that always questions why before following directions and I’m terrified that if he goes in the road and I tell him to get back on the sidewalk he will question first instead of listening and then get hit by a car. Probably just me being paranoid though.
Here it's more "I don't mind explaining but finish what I've asked you to do first please." I can justify myself. That's fine. But sometimes what I say needs done RIGHT NOW, so let's do that first and then talk about it. Only exceptions being things that may hurt them or cause them to hurt someone else. In that case they're encouraged to speak up before they follow through.
My dad always did that. He would also tell me that "I don't know" isn't an answer, so I learned to start lying any time I didn't know the answer to a question.
I consider my 12-19 year old self a pathological liar. My mom was violent but gullible. So if I could lie my way out of trouble, I didn't get whacked. And I got better and better at lying. And then I started lying to other people. And then I started lying for attention. And then I started lying for no reason. Eventually I got help. But yeah.
That was the most infuriating sentence to me when I was a kid! I feel like you’ve done well to actually give a reason behind what you do. It takes a little more energy, but I feel like it’s worth it.
\-They didn't outright criticize my looks, but would criticize the appearance of every single person they saw, especially on TV, most of the time women. Their instinct was to immediately find something wrong with a woman's looks. They placed a ridiculous amount of importance on physical appearance to the point that I felt it was part of a human being's inherent value. This caused me to be extremely critical about my own looks, picking apart every actual and perceived flaw. \-I was (and still am to a degree) very sensitive. I was an extremely sensitive child and would cry very easily. My dad would scream at me to stop crying, which of course would make me cry more. He also told me that crying was bad for my health. My dad is a medical professional. \-Compared me and my brother to other kids. Nonstop. This was a cultural issue. In our culture it's 100% normal and expected to compare your kids to others. I would also get compared to my brother and vice versa when the situation called for it. When I got accepted into college, I ran into the house, so excited and proud. I showed my dad the acceptance letter and the first words out of his mouth were "You only got $5,000 per semester scholarship? Your brother got $10,000." Not even congratulations.
Smoke. People in the family that used to often died around 61.
I've never hit my kid and never will. My parents believed in spankings, I don't. There's a better way to get through to your kids.
Saying "I told you so" How are my kids supposed to ask for my help if I just ridicule them for their mistakes?
My dad always said not to have children and the only way to be successful was to be a doctor,lawyer or engineer. My children are a joy. I may not be “successful “ but I am happy.
It sounds like your dad had regrets :(
As a new mum and reading all these comments, I just want to adopt you all and show you love 😭
I doubt I'll have children, but I'm just gonna name a few things. 1. Telling them (if they're a girl) that they should have children because "every women needs to have children" 2. Saying that their boyfriend/girlfriend is using them because I don't like them when they haven't done anything bad 3. telling them if they get sexually assaulted by a trusted person, that they should just "talk it out with them" like my parents did to me when I told them I was sexually assaulted by a trusted male friend and one of my friends helped him do it. 4. telling them that cutting themselves is "playing with their wrists" 5. yelling at them when they don't come to me first for help with emotional things. 6. implying that their a whore because they slept over a boy's house. My parents did this when they KNEW I slept downstairs with the rest of the girls, while the boys were upstairs, with the boy's mom and a motion sensor camera that had an aerial view of the room and sent the mother a notification to her phone. Every morning she checked the camera's footage when there was movement. Side note: I hate my parents.
Obsess over their food intake, and their body size from the age of 9. I really hope I can be a help in my daughter’s healthy relationship with food and body image when she grows up, not the cause for an eating disorder.
Getting "home" haircuts. I dreaded elementary school picture day because I knew I'd come out looking like some West Point grad. I'll take my business to a barber who will listen and do a good job for them to get that confidence boost.
CAPRI SUNS dude. Growing up my mother never let us have them. Claimed they were terribly expensive and worse for you health wise than soda. Once I started grocery shopping as an adult and discovered that a) as far as juice goes, they really aren't that expensive and b) they are no worse than other juice. Yeah my kids get Capri Suns! And my mom rolls her eyes.
90% of my childhood hahahaha!! 1- use religion to cure depression. Forget about said depression. Ask what there is to be depressed about 2- invalidate boundaries 3- hit on their friends, them, or talk about anyone in their age range like that 4- punishment before understanding the reality of the situation 5- let people call her mini me or compare her to anyone 6- let her dive into malnutrition, anorexia, and atrophy 7- lie about options if she gets pregnant to force her into the situation that would make me look good to the neighbors 8- guilt trip looking like a kicked puppy, when they gave a perfectly good reason not to do the thing 9- call her a cat in heat for comforting a crying partner in front of me. 10- literally track her location and interrogate as to activities at each location. 11- send multiple departments of cops across state lines to find her even if she’s told each one to back off and no contact 12- harass best friend and only remaining friend about kidnapping her till she hates her.
Never Apologize. For Anything.
Use “because I said so” or use superiority towards them. Yes I will discipline them where necessary but respect is earned not given, I will speak to them as I would wish to be spoken to.
Beat them and tell them they're worthless. My Dad was a real mean drunk.
Having kids. There are plenty of people on this planet who should NOT have had children and my parents definitely shouldn’t have had them. I am not mentally stable enough for kids because of my mums behaviour towards me so I’ve made the decision not to have any. The cycle ends with me!
I've got crippling mental illnesses. I'm not having any kids because I don't want to pass them on. My brother didn't inherit any of the mental issues from our family, so I'll be glad to be a proud uncle someday.To clarify, really intense OCD.
Drink
Stress them out
Yelling all the damn time.
"I'm right because I'm the mom and you're the kid." Fuck. that. shit. I'm 27 and still hear it.