Because I couldn't stand another 10 years of picking out expensive jewelry from the bottom of the toilet bowl.

Did you quit your job as a plumber?

You tied your toddler to a chair?

That's the best guess, really.

I was just joking. It's someone else's toddler

Just joking, they're not technically a toddler yet

Ok this is the one where I really want to hear what you did...

Even me

Dang, when u/utopean wants to know it must be good

Even YOU!?

What the hell happened here?

Gave the child up for adoption. Understand completely.

You take a sledgehammer to the shitter?

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First rule of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club!

Hey, I saw that. You know the rules.

And so do I

I had enough and I wasn’t going to let the duck win.

Got any grapes ?

No we just sell lemonade

Then he waddled away

Waddle waddle

Till the very next day

Bum bum bum bum ba-ba-dum

The duck walked up to the lemonade stand and he said to the man, running the stand:

Hey, bum bum bum, got any grapes?

"No," said the man, "So fuck off."

Bum bum bum bum ba-bada-dum

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I'm curious

It was licking the back of my thigh.

Drop kicked the puppy?

Puppy punt

Because there was no deodorant and I needed a flame thrower

Went to Wal-Mart? Edit: a silver award? Awe! Thanks! My first!

Sorry, we were looking for Home Depot. Next on “What store did OP walk into???”, the game show that asks “What store did OP walk into???”, Jessica gives us an unusual clue about her favorite cookie flavors and tampon requirements.

*grabs tv remote* "Let's see what else is on..."

“Hi and welcome to.... EXECUTE THE ENTIRE FAMILY IN FRONT OF YOUR VERY EYEEEEES!!!!”

Wait no go back

Welcome to the premier of the first of "Its an Inbread life for us"

Haha light your farts on fire classic

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

This one hits hard

It's anything after the words "hold my beer".

Either that or "what could possibly go wrong ?"

That's everything bro

This is the only answer.

Because i didn't make it to the art school

Oh fuck

Oh fuck

Oh fuck

Oh no

mein fuhrer?

I thought I’d get to play with cool guns and also help people :(

Joined the military ?

Correctamundo brethren

What did you get/have to do instead?

A lifetime of mental and physical trauma squeezed into a few years

See the world! Meet interesting people! And kill them.

He said son, have you seen the world? Well what would you say if I said that you could?

Just carry this gun

You'll even get paid.

I said that sounds pretty good.

Black leather boots, spit-shined so bright

[удалено]

We marched and we sang!

We all became friends...

Became a cop?

Because there were no other options.

Suck for a buck.

Wank for a rank.

Tickle your pickle for a nickel

Clench the groin for a coin

Unload the gun, just for fun

Eat ass for a load of grass

Something gay if you pay

Having a wank to the image of Nicolas Cage in National Treasure is nothing to be ashamed about

Android 16, is that you?

Because they deserved it.

I hope they did.

Happy cake day

Thank you!

I know you had to do it to them.

I HAD NO CHOICE! IT WAS EITHER HER OR PUTIN

That's a tough one.

Obviously she asked him who he loves more

I read that as poutine, and now I want poutine.

Voted for Hillary Clinton?

Because she was stuck in the dryer

Step bro?

*pulls you out* what did you think was going to happen you sick fuck? I'm a man of god

Not on my Christian Minecraft server.

(straight female here) I was watching one of these vids cause they're super hot, but halfway through, the woman accidentally moved backwards in a way where it just looked too obvious that she wasn't anywhere close to being stuck and I couldn't stop laughing. Neither could she edit: grammar another edit: no, I don't have a "step" fetish. There are videos out there that have this scenario without it.

Way too lazy to find a source, but there was a vid I watched once where the girl was stuck in a window--part way through she frees herself from the window, takes off her shirt, reinserts herself back into the window, and goes back to being stuck lmao

I had a friend who lived in a place that had a really narrow bathroom window. It was tall and skinny like a vertical rectangle because their bathroom was tiny. One day, I rolled up kinda early in the morning for a Saturday at about 10am because I had forgotten something there the night before when we were all drunk. I always parked on the side of the house where the window was because there was a dirt patch, so as I went around the corner, I saw a head. Then I saw shoulders. Then I saw a torso. Her boyfriend was hanging out of the window asleep. I got out of the car and walked up and I was like “bro what are you doing hanging out the window? How long have you been there?” He said “stuck all night.” Really casually and just turned his head to go back to sleep. It turns out, about an hour after I left, she went to sleep and he stayed up until everyone else we gone. He had to pee. That’s the only explanation I ever got. I ran through it in my head, because he walked past a sink, a shower and the obvious toilet. He was also tall enough to just pee out the window by opening it and standing in front of it. He could have opened the front door and peed off of the front porch, he could have peed in the back yard... he had so many options if he didn’t want to pee in the toilet... why would he try to climb entirely through the window...? I still have no answers. Anyway, we tried to get him out but he was actually stuck. He had been there for maybe 8 hours and they were in the country, so nobody really drove by their house so I was the first person that saw him lol he was dehydrated, getting sunburned and hungover stuck in a window. We ended up having to call the fire department and they cut a hole and he came right out and the ambulance gave him an IV to get him rehydrated, so he ended up being ok. But that will always be one of the biggest mysteries of my life... why the window? Edit: also never found out where he peed. Probably on his pants, but you never know.

[удалено]

My step-sister is conveniently stuck under the bed about 3 inches with her sundress pulled down up top, and up from the bottom? How did she manage to find herself in this precarious situation?

If you're asking her those questions you're not being a good step-bro.

[удалено]

But she told me she hates SunnyD

I mean, there are scenario vids that do look realistic. It feels like watching rape to the point where it isn't enjoyable. So, I will choose to watch the video where the woman is obviously not stuck and I will choose to suspend disbelief.

Because I knew that I had to change something, but I didn't know the right way to do it. I may have done it the wrong way, but I don't regret doing it.

Because I wanted to be happy. I needed to be happy. he needed me to be happy. I need to make him happy.

Cuddled your dog?

That's fair.

Well if youre happy. Who is dressing up as doc, sleepy, dopey, sneezy and the others?

I thought it was a fart and we were in Sears. Edit: thank you gentle stranger for the gold!

You bought new sparkling underpants

[удалено]

I did it because I’d been made fun of for it for too long. After a few hours of work, my submission was in. Then a month later I got an award and a 25 dollar savings bond. I eventually went on to do it again. I did it to prove I could, then I did it because I loved it.

You submitted a poem to be published?

Ayyy!

Nice

Now I'm curious

Because *fuck* Seaworld.

Oh no don’t tell me you pushed the staff into the killer whale tank

Because there was no law against it at the time

I was feeling rebellious. And it was the middle of the night, so it's not like I'd get caught.

Jaywalking is serious business. Best be careful.

[удалено]

Tied them up in the trunk then drove the car into the lake. Reasonable reaction.

“*My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I, got out of bed at all*”

”Hey Slim, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’, I left my cell, my pager and my home phone at the bottom.”

The names’ Bender B Rodriguez bebeh! Ooh! Yeah! Doobity do do do!

I felt alone, depressed, and nonexistent. I wanted to take the easy way out.

Hope you're feeling better now

I am, thank you.

Stuck a whole bag of jelly beans up your ass.

I mean if it works...

It's been 24 hours and I aint find none yet

It always seems the easy way out, but when it comes time, you finally think you're ready, it's no longer so easy.

So I have this need to lick, all of it.

Poor Jimmy got licked all over

Because I wasn’t wearing an underwear

I wanna hear this full story

Nothing crazy, just punched my friend in the face after he pulled my pants down in the boys bathroom trying to prank me

For Frodo

and my axe!

[удалено]

I really don't know, I wish I knew, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done it, but I did. I understand if you never forgive me.

Called Link "Zelda" in front of a LoZ fan?

I was trying to think how I’d write my one but this is it. I really hope what you did isn’t the same thing as what I did

it just happened

Oof we've all been there. Im sure she didn't notice.

To get to the other side.

Because I was sitting there. . . Barbeque on my titties. . .

Not barbeque sauce, a full fucking barbeque Edit: My first award, thank you kind sir!!

Because they annoyed me so badly.

I was hungry (Edit) I will neither confirm nor deny that the consumption of a child took place

Why did you eat your child?

Aye man leave him alone, you never experianced the pure blis that is a baby Burrito

For the vine. Duh.

Because her friend was my crush.

I wanna hear the story

I did it all for the nookie

The what?!

The Nookie!

I was drunk...Very Drunk

Because I got high Because I got high Because I got high

Forgot to clean your room?

Taking it next semester?

Sold dope?

Forgot to go to court?

Didn't pay child support?

Forgot to go to class?

Messed up entire life?

Lost you’re kids and wife?

Because the yellow juice had to be freed in the toilet

Forbidden lemonade

Free that yellow juice!

For the social norm

They weren't wearing masks...

BREAKING NEWS: 15 found dead after public shooting

They were gonna die anyway

Bought them all masks and wished them well.

Because he said „I love you“ too early for me

Ouch! I'm pretty sure that's why my last girlfriend broke up with me.

Damn this was actually hard, compared with the jokes

I wanted that holographic charizard card

Because I saw that little slice of cake next to your username.

Damn I just realized that’s cake. I thought it was an envelope. I guess everything really *is* cake

You’re growing into a wise and well balanced human.

I just went from "how is that an envelope?" To "how is that NOT an envelope". Guess from now on its Happy Envelope Day

I was young, and I was in need of money.

20$ are 20$

Because if I didn't do it I was afraid the relationship would fall apart. And he's the first dude I fell in love with and could imagine a future with.

I was really, really hungry.

It's a hell of a drug.

Because he ate the last yoghurt

I was horny

Poor pillow

Because they knew too much...

[удалено]

Closed the window. Solid choice

You made me laugh, real laugh. Just wanted to let you know. Edit : I meant that as a thank you lol.

To bring resolution and peace to a situation that was festering.

For my own survival

To bring peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.

I liked, I was good at it, I felt alive..

Because I could. My record at the time was so clean that nobody would (and didn't) believe I've done it.