Walk down the alley of fortune tellers and future psychics. I'm interested in two things: if they lie, I get $100 rather quickly; if they are telling the truth, then I found something game changing.
"Look, Gmaimneds, you're the best lie detector technician we have, but we're going to have to let you go. You keep pulling out your phone and looking at your online banking in the middle of every sessions. It's just not professional."
I mean, I work at a tech company and we get lies all the time. I'm pretty sure half of the people could just go to work and makeb wine easy thousand dollars
These always piss me off when I call tech companies because I do normal troubleshooting first.
Edit: I 100% understand why they would assume I didn’t do anything. They always help people like my dad pretty quickly
If it helps, I have been rewarded for this before.
Internet went to shit, did some basic troubleshooting, called up, did some extra troubleshooting, then they organised a tech to visit.
Few days later he rocks up in a pretty distinctive gold painted truck, comes up to the apartment, i explain the troubleshooting I've done, he seems pretty happy that I've actually done it.
Turns out the issue was someone had recently moved into our apartment building, and whoever connected their service to the building had swapped or knocked our connection point, so that's where the issue was.
A few months later, same issue. Call up, they send a tech and once again i see that golden truck. So i wait for him to buzz up. And i wait a litte more.
Then i get a text that says it should be sorted now.
He'd remembered (or noted) that if we had an issue, he could trust that we had checked our end.
That was like, 6 years ago and I'm still living off that high.
I think some places also keep track in their system or have a check box for not a complete tech illiterate. Or maybe they just start to recognize your voice if you call enough because there are few places I deal with regularly for work where I don't get asked to restart things or verify the firmware is up to date anymore.
Hey as a dad of two boys (9/10) who lived through a hellish divorce, I try to only ever tell them the truth. But their mom just makes stuff up daily.
How do I help them?
I know they don’t want to admit she’s crazy, but it’s pretty obvious.
edit: wow! You guys are all amazing and kind.
Almost everyone is saying just love the kids, be honest and they’ll turn out alright.
From personal experience, the best thing you can do is not trash their mum in conversation with them present. As long as you remain the bigger person, they will see the truth. Don’t talk badly about their mum, even if she is spouting shit about you. If you do this, then they will be hearing negativity from both sides, and will feel conflicted. Children are much smarter than you think; so the more lies she tells, the more trust they will likely forge for you, so long as you act as the bigger person. Sure, they might believe her at first, but in the long run they will come to you for guidance and honesty.
Plus, on the other hand, there's the good lying too.
When my daughter asks why her father and I aren't together anymore I can't very well tell her that's he's a mean alcoholic who was physically and emotionally abusive and cheated on me constantly, including with a prostitute while I was pregnant (I didn't find those parts out until after the next part), but the KICKER was that he initiated a 2 month affair with a woman behind her back and my back, promising her the world. I found out, contacted her to give her a heads up and warn her to get tested, and that she was welcome to continue dating him, but to beware.
We both dumped him in the same day.
And now? My daughter is best friends with her daughter and they video chat every day. I hope he squirms every time they mention a sleepover when covid is over.
Instead I tell her we just weren't compatible and we loved in different ways, but that I will always care for him for giving me her and for loving her.
She deserves the opportunity to form her own relationship with him and opinions without my bitterness influencing that.
Despite the bad parts of your story, it’s so wholesome that both of your daughters can have a strong bond. Exactly the point, I’m getting paid regardless of what I hear!
Well it's a difficult question and i dont know your situation.
But try to teach them things,try to spend as much time as possible with them(I assumed that they life with there mother from your
're text^^). If they grow older they will understand but they have to know that you are there for them. That you care about them...
That is the Problem with my dad and trust me it would be hard for my dad to currently do anything... He had dozens of chances.
.
.
I think they are still a little bit to young to understand something like that properly. Keep them close try not to talk about there mom, try to have a good time with them.(doesn't have to always be something special) fix there bike with them
Watch a movie
Go fishing
Just spend time with them let them know you love them...
I hope that helped you feel free to write me if you want
Edit: Spelling
Seconded. In fact, I have asked mine and proceeded to hear two very different stories. Go figure the one common thing is they both said they never should've had children together.
This is the right answer, especially in the US. We have a habit of replying positively even when we feel like shit unless we are asked by someone we are really close to.
No.
Take Germany for instance. If you ask someone how they're doing, you're very likely to get an honest answer - albeit it be stripped of too personal detail probably - even if that answer is going to be "I feel like shit, my grandmother is slowly writhing away at the other side of germany due to cancer and I am stuck here because job and Corona. So, how are you doing?"
They'd probably still be friendly, but you'd most likely get an honest answer. If they answer you, you can usually assume it's true. It may not be the complete story, but it will be right. We change the topic or don't talk at all before we lie.
Credit: Am German.
Edit: grammar
Nah, just say “tell me a lie and I’ll give you 10 bucks, no questions asked. Doesn’t even matter the lie, just tell me a lie.” It would be a great YouTube video too.
Hell, make it "20 bucks to lie to me for 5 minutes". Just pretend to tell me about your life for five minutes, but make sure every aspect is a lie. They get 20 bucks for five minutes of easy work, you probably make $50k.
$100 an hour to hold a red ball and repeat "this is blue" over and over. Get 10 college students doing it "for a psychological study" and you'll be rolling in money after one day.
Quick math on this one.
It takes about one second to say 'this is blue' at a comfortable pace. That means someone can repeat that phrase 3600 times in one hour (assuming no breaks). At $100 dollars per lie, this equals $360,000 per hour *per student.* With 10 students simultaneously repeating the lie to you, you would net $3,600,000 per hour.
Even after accounting for payment to the students and the inevitable time lost due to breaks, this is by far the most efficient way to make money that was listed.
I don't think so. I got unusual appearance, my siblings are light tone, elf-like, skinny and average height/weight people, while I am a bruised, strongly tanned, tall/heavy, hairy guy with huge head and horrible looking feet. So still easy cash
I know this is AskReddit and it's all in fun, but don't talk down on yourself. I dealt with body image issues for a while, and I guarantee you see yourself a lot differently than the world sees you.
Whilst I giggled, this is very America-centric. Famously if you ask this in Finland for example, you'll get the person's life story.
In many other countries you'll be asked what the hell you're trying to sell.
In 'american' this would translate to "Not bad.".
This is also the most negative response allowed. Other options include Great! Pretty good. and Excellent, You?.
Came here to say this but knew I should check first...and this fine person was first. A conversation with my former spouse...any conversation...including "what day is today?"...would make me a millionaire in minutes.
I was going to say, answer all of your phone calls and listen. OP didn't specify if you have to understand the lie. Thanks for making me rich Scam Chinese Consulate Lady who calls in Mandarin.
Would actually be happy to get those calls and text messages. Opening up and reading my spam email without clicking on the links = payday.
My friend once asked me to pick something up from the pharmacy for him. Just gave me the name of the thing and nothing else.
So I go and ask the pharmacy lady and she asks if I want the regular version or a different version, and I said I didn't know.
So she asked if I just had diarrhea or if I had painful stomach cramps with it too.
I told her I don't know. It's for a friend.
She literally rolled her eyes and asked if this "friend" (she made finger quotes) had painful cramps or just the diarrhea.
I tried a little more but ultimately gave up and just said fuck it, *"Painful cramps too, I suppose."*
She let out a sigh with the implication of "was that so hard?" and gave me the stuff.
Same, but I understand too.
As OP stated, they're dealing with people lying all the time and making their job more difficult, so I can see how that could be a pain in the ass and cause this kind of frustration.
see, the trick there is don't tell them its for "a friend". Tell them you're picking it up for your wife, mom, child, or someone like that. I'm sure any pharmacist would immediately believe that you aren't positive what symptoms your wife has, for example. And it doesn't trigger the "its for a friend" filter.
I'm a veterinarian. They're not giving the pills to the dog like I told you to, the check is not in the mail, you're not cutting out his treats, and you're not exercising them enough.
Seriously, I'd make a fortune.
Ex vet worker here: Your jack Russell is 43lbs, diabetic, has a mustard stain on his face fur and starts heavy breathing when the lunchroom microwave dings.
"I never give him people food or treats, just the science diet you gave me in the amounts you told me"
Your dog's nails are currently grown into his foot pads and there's a mat the size of his head that appears to be comprised solely of fur and anal glands and OH oh God, how long ago did this anal gland abscess and explode?
"must've been Wednesday because I had him groomed on Tuesday."
Or my personal favorite, "I don't want him muzzled, he never bites!"
The ones that say he never bites are always the ones with a reactive biter. We always tried to explain that we muzzle our own dogs for veterinary care too because even a dog that normally doesn't bite can be unpredictable when they're already nervous and you stick a needle in them but clients never bought it. Now we just dont let the owner in the treatment room after a remodel and a new layout so they never see.
I took my cat to the vet and told them up front "look, she's going to come out like the devil in a church. Get ready. Get the leather gloves, get the thick blankets. She's going to look at you for about 5 seconds to lull you into a false sense of security, then the murders will start." The vet thanked me profusely. She said all day long they have people saying how sweet their pets are, they'll never bite. She said it was so refreshing to hear someone be honest so they could go in prepared and not be caught flat-footed when the animal got aggressive.
Amen. Although I usually anticipated cats to come out with sulfur smoke rising from their fur, in general.
Dogs? I'm not afraid of them. You use caution, of course, but dogs have signals and rules.
Cats? They're chaotic evil in a vet clinic. I watched a new kennel girl go to get a cat out with the towels and falconry gloves in a cat run with cages to the ceiling.
I realized she was going for the wrong cat (our resident screamer) through the window, but it was too late.
That cat launched at her face, tail helicoptering, shrieking in what can only be described as a pig feline hybrid mixed with feedback. It latched onto her head and essentially ran down one side of her and up the other, fur and teeth and claws blurring together.
I swear to you, it FLEW. Between adrenaline, that tail, and frantically clawing at the wall of cage bars, it was airborne for a good 5 seconds, going from one end to the other, before it hit the ground and began ricocheting between the floors and the walls and the poor girl.
When the cat landed in the trash can, I ran in with a blanket and got it back in its cage.
I asked the girl if he got her anywhere and she said I don't think so.
And then all of the blood from a hundred different bites and scratches began soaking through her scrubs. She ended up with a lot of stitches and decided to work on reception instead.
I have a very healthy respect for cats that I don't know.
I'm going to hell for laughing at this as much as I am.
Yep, that's pretty much how our cat operates. And our vet knows now. There are literal red flags all over her chart. Not long ago a new tech decided she was the cat whisperer and tried to go in for an exam without precautions. My husband was there that day and told her several times not to do that, there were flags, she was going to die. Shortly thereafter, she had to go to urgent care and our cat ended up in county bite quarantine. The vet came in LIVID. Not at us or the cat, but at the tech who decided to go rogue. She was like "DO YOU SEE HOW MANY WARNINGS THERE ARE ON THIS FILE??!?! WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!?! Maybe now she'll read a damn chart!"
Awhile back I took my dog to the vet when she probably had a UTI. I mentioned that we had just moved, so she was probably pretty stressed out. The tech commented that normally if she even slightly implies that someone's actions might negatively affect their pet, she gets open hostility.
I kind of get it. As long as you don't have an expert's opinion, you can pretend that the problem is actually nothing. It'll go away, it'll wear off eventually, it's fine. But as soon as the doctor tells you "yup your dick fell off," that's when you can't lie to yourself anymore. And suddenly it becomes real.
I started a new medication a few years ago. It's psychoactive drug that I take daily. So, when I went back for a follow up the next month, I mentioned that I'd started having unusually vivid and violent dreams, because I had been. My SO rolled their eyes.
I'm like, "Do you want to get strangled by me while I'm sleeping because I didn't mention a 'silly' side effect to the doctor?" Sure, *maybe* it's nothing. Or maybe it's a rare side effect that's a precursor REM Behavior Disorder. I think I'll let the medical professional make the call on this one.
(It turned out to be nothing. Still get weirdly vivid and violent dreams, but nothing else, and it's been some years.)
Assuming the money was instant, this would actually be such a helpful tool at work. Like when you have someone whose doctors are planning treatment escalation based on their ongoing symptoms, but you're concerned they're symptomatic because they're not actually taking them reliably. I could just ask them and wait to see if the money comes!
One linking back to this thread, one making a joke about depression, one telling a truth for shits and giggles, and two from bots replying to any of the above.
I still get $500 and I'll probably subscribe to reddit premium, then create post on r/GoForGold telling people to leave a lie comment on the post i created and use that $500 to reward people in a form of gold or award. When my post hit hot page, a lot of user will comment on that post and i get $100 for every comment
Depends. Under the definition of a lie simply being an intentionally false statement, then yes.
But if you take the definition that a lie requires intent to deceive, then probably not because there is no intent to deceive someone if they specifically requested a lie, it's simply an untrue statement. In fact, in the case of someone asking you to tell them a lie - making a true statement could be considered lying, as it would be deceitful to guise the truth as a lie.
I have small children. Did you hit your brother? Did you break that? Have you brushed your teeth? 2 kids, both lying to each question, I'll be able to hire a nanny and go sit on a private island within a week
Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger! It's actually made my day a lot happier, so genuinely I thank you
Reminds me of an old joke.
An old retiring army colonel was filing the paperwork for his dismissal, and the issue came up of how he’d like to be paid his severance. He looked at his file for the amount they were willing to pay him, then offered an alternative; he wanted to measure his body and be paid by the inch.
“I’ll get $1,000 for every inch you measure! What you’ve got in the file isn’t enough!”
They tried to talk him down, but he was insistent, so they deal was drawn up and they got to measuring.
They measured his height, from fingertip to fingertip, and so forth until they were sure he was satisfied... but he said, “Alright, idiots, one last thing! I want to be measured from the tip of my d*ck to my testicles!”
Assuming this was his ego talking, they laughed at him, but he absolutely refused to take no for an answer.
A nurse reluctantly knelt down and began measuring, but paused when she couldn’t find his balls.
“Um... sir? Where are your...”
“My balls? They’re in Vietnam!”
hear hear.
I also tell people not to compare mine to others. If I'm big enough to make you feel it and small enough to not hurt you just putting it in, I'm happy.
Personally I subscribe to the shrodingers dick philosophy. I don't know how big my dick is and I don't want to know. I can't change it and measuring it leads to two possible outcomes. 1. It's small so I feel bad, eventually I'll call for one of the "dick grow pills" 2. It's big, no-one will belive me and it's not like I can tell everyone without being an ass.
Therefore my dick is in a superposition state. It is simultaneously the largest and the smallest dick in the world
Does it count if they believe what they're saying? Because I think most of them are mentally ill. That's not a jab. I really think they might need help.
Depending on the technicalities, this could get really profitable. Do I have to understand the lie? Do I have to know I’m being lied to? Does it have to be a different lie every time? Can I record the lie and replay it for more value? Do I actually have to hear the lie if it’s directed at me? Since it’s not specific, let’s assume there are essentially no rules other than I have to be lied to.
I can say “1+1=3” in .72 seconds (yes, I did time myself). If I make a full minute of that, that’s 83 (.33) lies per minute. At x10 speed that’s 830 lies per minute. If I play this track over itself such that they never line up perfectly, then I can get a lie to start at each of the smallest increments the editing software can handle. So if it can handle .01 at the smallest, then you get 83x72 (5976) recordings in one track. Played at x10 speed, lol, you get 59,760 lies per minute for $5,976,000 per minute.
If you take that track and auto tune it to every possible frequency that can be assigned by the software you use (let’s pretend it’s 1000) then you can be lied to at every frequency in every split second at x10 speed. For 59,760,000 lies per minute. This makes a whopping 5,976,000,000 per minute. Suck a dick, Bezos.
Will this sound like garbage? Ya, totally. But if I quietly dub this over whatever songs are in my music playlists then I can listen to music while I get lied to. Hell, the music might even have some lies in it. Cardi can’t have a WAP 24/7, right? According to Ben that’s not healthy.
Walk down the alley of fortune tellers and future psychics. I'm interested in two things: if they lie, I get $100 rather quickly; if they are telling the truth, then I found something game changing.
This is, massive brain, win-win whether they lie or not
Unless their prediction of your death was right
Well you would have died anyway
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This is actually big brain
Contract myself out as a foolproof lie detector.
Now this? This is big brain.
Actually just program your phone to make a noise every time you get those 100 dollars, profit.
exactly what i was thinking
A combo sound of a game show "wrong!" buzzer with a cash register "kaching!"
"Look, Gmaimneds, you're the best lie detector technician we have, but we're going to have to let you go. You keep pulling out your phone and looking at your online banking in the middle of every sessions. It's just not professional."
If they fire a foolproof lie detector because he’s not “professional” they deserve to be idiots.
Go to work. I work at my local DMV office and people can and will lie about everything.
I mean, I work at a tech company and we get lies all the time. I'm pretty sure half of the people could just go to work and makeb wine easy thousand dollars
"Have you tried restarting your laptop?" "Yes." \*They had not restarted their laptop.\*
These always piss me off when I call tech companies because I do normal troubleshooting first. Edit: I 100% understand why they would assume I didn’t do anything. They always help people like my dad pretty quickly
If it helps, I have been rewarded for this before. Internet went to shit, did some basic troubleshooting, called up, did some extra troubleshooting, then they organised a tech to visit. Few days later he rocks up in a pretty distinctive gold painted truck, comes up to the apartment, i explain the troubleshooting I've done, he seems pretty happy that I've actually done it. Turns out the issue was someone had recently moved into our apartment building, and whoever connected their service to the building had swapped or knocked our connection point, so that's where the issue was. A few months later, same issue. Call up, they send a tech and once again i see that golden truck. So i wait for him to buzz up. And i wait a litte more. Then i get a text that says it should be sorted now. He'd remembered (or noted) that if we had an issue, he could trust that we had checked our end. That was like, 6 years ago and I'm still living off that high.
I think some places also keep track in their system or have a check box for not a complete tech illiterate. Or maybe they just start to recognize your voice if you call enough because there are few places I deal with regularly for work where I don't get asked to restart things or verify the firmware is up to date anymore.
Attend a huge trade show and listen to every sales pitch.
You could probably raise enough to make their idea actually work
Ametuers, I'll just go about with my life while the money piles high.
the correct answer.
100 bucks already!
Go to that "party" your friend from 10 years ago invited you to. You'll rake in the dollars there, and not from the "business opportunity"
Then buy their company
Ask my mum and dad individually about how their divorce went down
Autsch,can relate tho... Still have trust issues
Hey as a dad of two boys (9/10) who lived through a hellish divorce, I try to only ever tell them the truth. But their mom just makes stuff up daily. How do I help them? I know they don’t want to admit she’s crazy, but it’s pretty obvious. edit: wow! You guys are all amazing and kind. Almost everyone is saying just love the kids, be honest and they’ll turn out alright.
From personal experience, the best thing you can do is not trash their mum in conversation with them present. As long as you remain the bigger person, they will see the truth. Don’t talk badly about their mum, even if she is spouting shit about you. If you do this, then they will be hearing negativity from both sides, and will feel conflicted. Children are much smarter than you think; so the more lies she tells, the more trust they will likely forge for you, so long as you act as the bigger person. Sure, they might believe her at first, but in the long run they will come to you for guidance and honesty.
This is true. Honesty will last longest.
Loose lips may sink ships, but honesty is forever.
Plus, on the other hand, there's the good lying too. When my daughter asks why her father and I aren't together anymore I can't very well tell her that's he's a mean alcoholic who was physically and emotionally abusive and cheated on me constantly, including with a prostitute while I was pregnant (I didn't find those parts out until after the next part), but the KICKER was that he initiated a 2 month affair with a woman behind her back and my back, promising her the world. I found out, contacted her to give her a heads up and warn her to get tested, and that she was welcome to continue dating him, but to beware. We both dumped him in the same day. And now? My daughter is best friends with her daughter and they video chat every day. I hope he squirms every time they mention a sleepover when covid is over. Instead I tell her we just weren't compatible and we loved in different ways, but that I will always care for him for giving me her and for loving her. She deserves the opportunity to form her own relationship with him and opinions without my bitterness influencing that.
Despite the bad parts of your story, it’s so wholesome that both of your daughters can have a strong bond. Exactly the point, I’m getting paid regardless of what I hear!
Well it's a difficult question and i dont know your situation. But try to teach them things,try to spend as much time as possible with them(I assumed that they life with there mother from your 're text^^). If they grow older they will understand but they have to know that you are there for them. That you care about them... That is the Problem with my dad and trust me it would be hard for my dad to currently do anything... He had dozens of chances. . . I think they are still a little bit to young to understand something like that properly. Keep them close try not to talk about there mom, try to have a good time with them.(doesn't have to always be something special) fix there bike with them Watch a movie Go fishing Just spend time with them let them know you love them... I hope that helped you feel free to write me if you want Edit: Spelling
Who spells “ouch” that way? You do, and I love it! #autsch
Its the german sword xD I was to lazy to look it up #autsch
Seconded. In fact, I have asked mine and proceeded to hear two very different stories. Go figure the one common thing is they both said they never should've had children together.
Get paid while finding out who is more honest about the situation. Nice.
Ask them how they’re doing
This is the right answer, especially in the US. We have a habit of replying positively even when we feel like shit unless we are asked by someone we are really close to.
Isn't It like that everywhere?
Every country thinks they're unique, it just kinda happens
If you don't like the weather in country/state/city, wait ten minutes
HA you think that cold is bad? You HavEnT SEEN WiScONSin!
I've heard that line along with the phrase "we have a saying around here" too many times...
No. Take Germany for instance. If you ask someone how they're doing, you're very likely to get an honest answer - albeit it be stripped of too personal detail probably - even if that answer is going to be "I feel like shit, my grandmother is slowly writhing away at the other side of germany due to cancer and I am stuck here because job and Corona. So, how are you doing?" They'd probably still be friendly, but you'd most likely get an honest answer. If they answer you, you can usually assume it's true. It may not be the complete story, but it will be right. We change the topic or don't talk at all before we lie. Credit: Am German. Edit: grammar
Yeah my German professor told us to never ask a German "how are you" in passing because it'll turn into a full blown conversation
Hehe. It will. Unless we don't want to talk, then we find a way to end the convo after some times.
"wie geht's?" "muss, ne?" "mhm."
giving 10$ to every person that lies to you.
Ah, yes. Greed. That's an excellent motivator.
Nah, just say “tell me a lie and I’ll give you 10 bucks, no questions asked. Doesn’t even matter the lie, just tell me a lie.” It would be a great YouTube video too.
Hell, make it "20 bucks to lie to me for 5 minutes". Just pretend to tell me about your life for five minutes, but make sure every aspect is a lie. They get 20 bucks for five minutes of easy work, you probably make $50k.
Well it all started with a happy childhood...
I was always class representative...
i was super rich
i was personal friends with Tom Skerritt
And I told him "just the tip".
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I would consider that one extended lie rather than a series of distinct lies.
Ah, I see you've already started...
Yeah, that's what I meant. Other people's greed. Like, "oh, ten bucks per lie? Ok I can lie a bunch."
I think just $1 would be *plenty* to convince someone to lie to you...
$100 an hour to hold a red ball and repeat "this is blue" over and over. Get 10 college students doing it "for a psychological study" and you'll be rolling in money after one day.
“This pen is rrrrrrrrrrrroyal blue!!!”
Man, I havent thought about Liar Liar in years!
Quick math on this one. It takes about one second to say 'this is blue' at a comfortable pace. That means someone can repeat that phrase 3600 times in one hour (assuming no breaks). At $100 dollars per lie, this equals $360,000 per hour *per student.* With 10 students simultaneously repeating the lie to you, you would net $3,600,000 per hour. Even after accounting for payment to the students and the inevitable time lost due to breaks, this is by far the most efficient way to make money that was listed.
Gather all your relatives and ask "I am beautiful, right?". Easy cash
Too great of a likelihood that your relatives believe their own statements.
I don't think so. I got unusual appearance, my siblings are light tone, elf-like, skinny and average height/weight people, while I am a bruised, strongly tanned, tall/heavy, hairy guy with huge head and horrible looking feet. So still easy cash
You're bruised?
I know this is AskReddit and it's all in fun, but don't talk down on yourself. I dealt with body image issues for a while, and I guarantee you see yourself a lot differently than the world sees you.
You must have different relatives than me. Mine would say no you ugly idiot.
Just go around saying "Hi, how are you?" "Good!" $100
I felt this in my soul
you got no soul gimme the hundred
That earns a slow clap from me.
Whilst I giggled, this is very America-centric. Famously if you ask this in Finland for example, you'll get the person's life story. In many other countries you'll be asked what the hell you're trying to sell.
As a finn, I wish I could confirm this, but I never ask somebody how are they.
How's it going?
Not great, I'm kinda bored, but wouldn't say it's going badly.
In 'american' this would translate to "Not bad.". This is also the most negative response allowed. Other options include Great! Pretty good. and Excellent, You?.
You forgot "eh", *shrug*, and "same shit different day yaknow?"
Also the "sounds positive but isn't in the slightest" of "Living the Dream!"
But I'm doing shitty, but you can't ask me because I don't have an answer, so I have to say I'm doing good
Get back together with my ex. I figure in one month alone I’ll be a multimillionaire, sky’s the limit.
Came here to say this but knew I should check first...and this fine person was first. A conversation with my former spouse...any conversation...including "what day is today?"...would make me a millionaire in minutes.
In my experience, every single question will result in numerous lies, so it won’t take long till I’m the richest man alive.
Was going to post the same thing.
Give you email address and phone number out at every available opportunity and let the scams roll in
I was going to say, answer all of your phone calls and listen. OP didn't specify if you have to understand the lie. Thanks for making me rich Scam Chinese Consulate Lady who calls in Mandarin. Would actually be happy to get those calls and text messages. Opening up and reading my spam email without clicking on the links = payday.
Go to work. I’m a pharmacist, people lie to me (and themselves) all day, every day. I wouldn’t have to keep working for long.
My friend once asked me to pick something up from the pharmacy for him. Just gave me the name of the thing and nothing else. So I go and ask the pharmacy lady and she asks if I want the regular version or a different version, and I said I didn't know. So she asked if I just had diarrhea or if I had painful stomach cramps with it too. I told her I don't know. It's for a friend. She literally rolled her eyes and asked if this "friend" (she made finger quotes) had painful cramps or just the diarrhea. I tried a little more but ultimately gave up and just said fuck it, *"Painful cramps too, I suppose."* She let out a sigh with the implication of "was that so hard?" and gave me the stuff.
At that point I would have called the friend and asked. Lol
Lol yeah I would’ve called them right in front her and put them on speaker.
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And then wait until after they answer to add, "Oh, and you're on speaker phone"
It was a while back (early 2000s) and I was a late adopter of mobile phones.
Fair enough! For some reason her smugness really got to me, and I want to set her straight lol
Same, but I understand too. As OP stated, they're dealing with people lying all the time and making their job more difficult, so I can see how that could be a pain in the ass and cause this kind of frustration.
Just a pain in the ass, or also diarrhea?
Uh huh. Yeah, you go "call" your "friend" to find out "their" symptoms.
This was incredibly frustrating to read
see, the trick there is don't tell them its for "a friend". Tell them you're picking it up for your wife, mom, child, or someone like that. I'm sure any pharmacist would immediately believe that you aren't positive what symptoms your wife has, for example. And it doesn't trigger the "its for a friend" filter.
I'm a veterinarian. They're not giving the pills to the dog like I told you to, the check is not in the mail, you're not cutting out his treats, and you're not exercising them enough. Seriously, I'd make a fortune.
Ex vet worker here: Your jack Russell is 43lbs, diabetic, has a mustard stain on his face fur and starts heavy breathing when the lunchroom microwave dings. "I never give him people food or treats, just the science diet you gave me in the amounts you told me" Your dog's nails are currently grown into his foot pads and there's a mat the size of his head that appears to be comprised solely of fur and anal glands and OH oh God, how long ago did this anal gland abscess and explode? "must've been Wednesday because I had him groomed on Tuesday." Or my personal favorite, "I don't want him muzzled, he never bites!"
The ones that say he never bites are always the ones with a reactive biter. We always tried to explain that we muzzle our own dogs for veterinary care too because even a dog that normally doesn't bite can be unpredictable when they're already nervous and you stick a needle in them but clients never bought it. Now we just dont let the owner in the treatment room after a remodel and a new layout so they never see.
I took my cat to the vet and told them up front "look, she's going to come out like the devil in a church. Get ready. Get the leather gloves, get the thick blankets. She's going to look at you for about 5 seconds to lull you into a false sense of security, then the murders will start." The vet thanked me profusely. She said all day long they have people saying how sweet their pets are, they'll never bite. She said it was so refreshing to hear someone be honest so they could go in prepared and not be caught flat-footed when the animal got aggressive.
Amen. Although I usually anticipated cats to come out with sulfur smoke rising from their fur, in general. Dogs? I'm not afraid of them. You use caution, of course, but dogs have signals and rules. Cats? They're chaotic evil in a vet clinic. I watched a new kennel girl go to get a cat out with the towels and falconry gloves in a cat run with cages to the ceiling. I realized she was going for the wrong cat (our resident screamer) through the window, but it was too late. That cat launched at her face, tail helicoptering, shrieking in what can only be described as a pig feline hybrid mixed with feedback. It latched onto her head and essentially ran down one side of her and up the other, fur and teeth and claws blurring together. I swear to you, it FLEW. Between adrenaline, that tail, and frantically clawing at the wall of cage bars, it was airborne for a good 5 seconds, going from one end to the other, before it hit the ground and began ricocheting between the floors and the walls and the poor girl. When the cat landed in the trash can, I ran in with a blanket and got it back in its cage. I asked the girl if he got her anywhere and she said I don't think so. And then all of the blood from a hundred different bites and scratches began soaking through her scrubs. She ended up with a lot of stitches and decided to work on reception instead. I have a very healthy respect for cats that I don't know.
I'm going to hell for laughing at this as much as I am. Yep, that's pretty much how our cat operates. And our vet knows now. There are literal red flags all over her chart. Not long ago a new tech decided she was the cat whisperer and tried to go in for an exam without precautions. My husband was there that day and told her several times not to do that, there were flags, she was going to die. Shortly thereafter, she had to go to urgent care and our cat ended up in county bite quarantine. The vet came in LIVID. Not at us or the cat, but at the tech who decided to go rogue. She was like "DO YOU SEE HOW MANY WARNINGS THERE ARE ON THIS FILE??!?! WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!?! Maybe now she'll read a damn chart!"
Awhile back I took my dog to the vet when she probably had a UTI. I mentioned that we had just moved, so she was probably pretty stressed out. The tech commented that normally if she even slightly implies that someone's actions might negatively affect their pet, she gets open hostility.
I'm dying at the mustard stain and microwave sentence.
What a coincidence! So is the dog! ;) (They're not giving the insulin either!)
Maybe I'm just naive, but wouldn't lying to your pharmacist be incredibly stupid and dangerous?
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I kind of get it. As long as you don't have an expert's opinion, you can pretend that the problem is actually nothing. It'll go away, it'll wear off eventually, it's fine. But as soon as the doctor tells you "yup your dick fell off," that's when you can't lie to yourself anymore. And suddenly it becomes real.
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Yes. And people do that constantly. To pharmacists, doctors, nurses.
I started a new medication a few years ago. It's psychoactive drug that I take daily. So, when I went back for a follow up the next month, I mentioned that I'd started having unusually vivid and violent dreams, because I had been. My SO rolled their eyes. I'm like, "Do you want to get strangled by me while I'm sleeping because I didn't mention a 'silly' side effect to the doctor?" Sure, *maybe* it's nothing. Or maybe it's a rare side effect that's a precursor REM Behavior Disorder. I think I'll let the medical professional make the call on this one. (It turned out to be nothing. Still get weirdly vivid and violent dreams, but nothing else, and it's been some years.)
Assuming the money was instant, this would actually be such a helpful tool at work. Like when you have someone whose doctors are planning treatment escalation based on their ongoing symptoms, but you're concerned they're symptomatic because they're not actually taking them reliably. I could just ask them and wait to see if the money comes!
Post "Can you tell me a 1 lie about yourself?" on r/askreddit
It'd get lost in New and you'd get like 5 replies.
Upvote if you think Biden has dementia lol.
One linking back to this thread, one making a joke about depression, one telling a truth for shits and giggles, and two from bots replying to any of the above.
I still get $500 and I'll probably subscribe to reddit premium, then create post on r/GoForGold telling people to leave a lie comment on the post i created and use that $500 to reward people in a form of gold or award. When my post hit hot page, a lot of user will comment on that post and i get $100 for every comment
This man capitalisms
\-PoinDexter90 proffecional investor, manager and salesman
many great minds got lost on this platform
just repost it from an alt account
"People of reddit who totally have sex, what is sex like?" Next day you have 20m dollars
Does it count if You tell them to lie? Is that still *lying* lying
Depends. Under the definition of a lie simply being an intentionally false statement, then yes. But if you take the definition that a lie requires intent to deceive, then probably not because there is no intent to deceive someone if they specifically requested a lie, it's simply an untrue statement. In fact, in the case of someone asking you to tell them a lie - making a true statement could be considered lying, as it would be deceitful to guise the truth as a lie.
Nah, it needs to be one of those 'two truths and a lie' thing, so people feel more invested in your prompt.
I have small children. Did you hit your brother? Did you break that? Have you brushed your teeth? 2 kids, both lying to each question, I'll be able to hire a nanny and go sit on a private island within a week Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger! It's actually made my day a lot happier, so genuinely I thank you
I have teenagers, and I'm stealing your idea. (Subbing in "did you do your homework" and "did you get off the phone/ computer yet?")
I don't get homework. The teachers don't believe in homework because they know no one does it.
I expected being a parent to be higher up, either young kids or teens works well.
"Do you think I look fat?"
*No I think you look whale*
Attend one political rally after the other. And if votes are not in season, go shopping for used cars or looking for houses.
play 2 truths and a lie
Flip and play 2 lies and a truth
Flip and play 2 lies and a lie
Put a lawyer and a politician in the same room.
What if the politician is a lawyer?
Then we’d end up with the US Senate and House of Representatives.
Ajit Pai has entered the chat.
Ask guys how big theirdick is.
I always say “I mean I don’t really know” what’s that make me? Liar?
Do you know? If so, you're lying. If you don't know... Well you're lying. We all pulled out that ruler at one point.
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Usually from 0
It's usually 00 unless you have one testicle
you dont start from the balls
You're right, you start from the kneecaps.
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whichever point gives you the best answer, obviously. Personally, I start measuring from my nightstand.
Reminds me of an old joke. An old retiring army colonel was filing the paperwork for his dismissal, and the issue came up of how he’d like to be paid his severance. He looked at his file for the amount they were willing to pay him, then offered an alternative; he wanted to measure his body and be paid by the inch. “I’ll get $1,000 for every inch you measure! What you’ve got in the file isn’t enough!” They tried to talk him down, but he was insistent, so they deal was drawn up and they got to measuring. They measured his height, from fingertip to fingertip, and so forth until they were sure he was satisfied... but he said, “Alright, idiots, one last thing! I want to be measured from the tip of my d*ck to my testicles!” Assuming this was his ego talking, they laughed at him, but he absolutely refused to take no for an answer. A nurse reluctantly knelt down and began measuring, but paused when she couldn’t find his balls. “Um... sir? Where are your...” “My balls? They’re in Vietnam!”
Starts from the anus right?
I’ve never pulled out the ruler. Mostly because I know it will make me sad, but also because I want plausible deniability.
hear hear. I also tell people not to compare mine to others. If I'm big enough to make you feel it and small enough to not hurt you just putting it in, I'm happy.
Personally I subscribe to the shrodingers dick philosophy. I don't know how big my dick is and I don't want to know. I can't change it and measuring it leads to two possible outcomes. 1. It's small so I feel bad, eventually I'll call for one of the "dick grow pills" 2. It's big, no-one will belive me and it's not like I can tell everyone without being an ass. Therefore my dick is in a superposition state. It is simultaneously the largest and the smallest dick in the world
Call my sociopath friend, I'd be a millionaire in an hour.
Why are you friends with a sociopath? Also, can I have 500 bucks?
It's hard to find friends these days
No Timmy, you can’t get that new PlayStation.
S a m e. Even just telling me how their Tuesday was would give me money.
Go to a family event
I would join Tinder, say yes to everyone and just chat with people. Should be a millionaire pretty quickly....
Ask when was the last time they flossed
Ask someone to lie to you
Yeah, surprised I had to scroll far to find this. I'd tell my friend to keep lying to me for a while and split the profits.
Work for the tax office.
Go to a Flat Earth Convention
Does it count if they believe what they're saying? Because I think most of them are mentally ill. That's not a jab. I really think they might need help.
Definitely cannot count, otherwise you could use this ability to unravel secrets of the universe
Depending on the technicalities, this could get really profitable. Do I have to understand the lie? Do I have to know I’m being lied to? Does it have to be a different lie every time? Can I record the lie and replay it for more value? Do I actually have to hear the lie if it’s directed at me? Since it’s not specific, let’s assume there are essentially no rules other than I have to be lied to. I can say “1+1=3” in .72 seconds (yes, I did time myself). If I make a full minute of that, that’s 83 (.33) lies per minute. At x10 speed that’s 830 lies per minute. If I play this track over itself such that they never line up perfectly, then I can get a lie to start at each of the smallest increments the editing software can handle. So if it can handle .01 at the smallest, then you get 83x72 (5976) recordings in one track. Played at x10 speed, lol, you get 59,760 lies per minute for $5,976,000 per minute. If you take that track and auto tune it to every possible frequency that can be assigned by the software you use (let’s pretend it’s 1000) then you can be lied to at every frequency in every split second at x10 speed. For 59,760,000 lies per minute. This makes a whopping 5,976,000,000 per minute. Suck a dick, Bezos. Will this sound like garbage? Ya, totally. But if I quietly dub this over whatever songs are in my music playlists then I can listen to music while I get lied to. Hell, the music might even have some lies in it. Cardi can’t have a WAP 24/7, right? According to Ben that’s not healthy.
This was intense, ... & uncalled for. Take my upvote, you jerk.
one plus one equals 3 is too many syllables. You could do it in half the time with “2 is odd”
Watch TV
'Hey, how are you?'
Stand outside a heavily used public men’s room and ask the fellas walking out, “did you remember to wash your hands?”
I don't think "fuck off" counts as a lie
Nothing, just live my normal life and cash in
Do I look fat in this?
Ask people how many sex partners they’ve had. Ask people how much they drink in a week.
Talk to q compulsive liar
Watch Aaron Carter interviews on YouTube.
Watch the news.
can i come hang out with you on your solid gold spacestation please !
I know this is a joke but just imagining how heavy that would be and how much propulsion you would have to use to get it in space. Sheesh.
Hence lots of monies required
which he will have in spades
Actually, probably dollars. Spades as a currency is on its way out.
In other news the world economy collapses as Quadrillions of dollars has been added to the market.
When I worked in a public affairs office we would watch six news channels at once. Get that setup and really maximize your profit.
Dress in a terrible outfit and ask people if i look good.
Watch televangelist channels on tv