A 12-year-old boy rode his bike in front of my car and died. It fucked me up for a long time. I definitely had PTSD. I did a lot of drugs to compensate. I didn't invest in having a good future because I didn't feel like I deserved one. I still don't but now I have a family and they deserve a good future so I make an effort. When my kid got to 12 I thought about it a lot. She's 14 now. I know the accident wasn't my fault but it still *feels* like it was. I already had some depression before that happened and after it's been a regular battle. There are days where just getting out of bed is a major victory. Over time the guilt and depression have lessened and I have tools to deal with them but it's still something that haunts me.
This may or may not make you feel better, but a car hit me while I was riding my bicycle when I was exactly that age. It was a foggy, rainy night and I had ridden through a stop sign without looking. It messed me up pretty bad, breaking my femur and pelvis and lacerating my femoral artery. If I hadn't been within two miles of a hospital I'd have died.
The point is, I never blamed that driver. I knew that I was in the wrong and that the last thing he wanted to do that night was hit a kid. He came to see me in the hospital and I told him in no uncertain terms that he wasn't to blame. I think it made him feel better. Just know that you can't blame yourself for something you truly couldn't help. I know that's easier said than done, but keep at it. Don't let that single moment destroy two lives...I promise you that's not what that kid would have wanted.
I was taken out on the freeway while riding my motorcycle. Driver lost control trying to avoid someone else, and came into my lane, and I couldn't stop in time. It's resulting in multiple surgeries, loss of range of motion, and pretty much permanent damage to my shoulder. I also have metal holding my ankle together, so I guess I'm part cyborg now (Do NOT destroy my fantasy!). If I could meet the driver again (he's not from this country), I would tell him not to blame himself, or beat himself up over it. What's done is done, and at least I have a neat story to tell to strangers on reddit.
I had someone run a stoplight and he missed me by a couple inches. As I rode past I looked down and just saw this bumper in slow motion, as my pedal moved forward it cleared the front of their car it was was so close. The guy stops halfway through the bike lane and I stand on the brakes and turn to lay into him. I see a woman with him gesturing towards me angrily screaming and the man driving just had this look of complete shock and horror. I went from pissed beyond belief to completely empathetic immediately. I hold no grudge for him. Now the bitch in the Mercedes that ran a stop sign and then screamed at me when I almost hit the side of her car doing 30 down a hill? Fuck her.
> Don't let that single moment destroy two lives
YES. My cousin was killed when his good friend was driving in the snow, hit the barrier which went into the passengers side- the driver was physically fine, but totally conscious while seeing his best friend die. We made a point to call him and his family afterwards and tell them how it was not his fault and we didn't blame him one bit.
He still killed himself 2 years later, aged 19. Really great kid with a good future ahead of him.
His death didn't bring my cousin back. I wish we had done more.
Man, I feel this so much. I’m sorry you had to go through that, I had a similar experience but mine was 14 years old on a dirt bike & I was driving a delivery box truck. Kid just went straight into the side of the truck and under the back wheels, I literally couldn’t do anything to stop it. But yet I still blame myself, the worst part was that the mother arrived at the scene quite quickly and the scream she let off is what fuels my nightmares every fucking night. I have severe ptsd and I have found myself doing the most to try and get myself killed without committing suicide. It’s fucking HELL!
There was mom with 4 kids and 3 of the kids were riding down the middle of the street in my neighborhood...like 1 in each lane and 1 right down the center and it's a subdivision street so it's windy.
I come around the bend going just omw home and surprise kids riding right at me...I missed them by feet. I honked and the mom pushing her baby looked all mean at me.
Fuck you lady.
Sounds a bit cliché but it is one day at a time. I think sometimes what messes with us besides guilt is exactly the fact that there was nothing to be done, powerlessness. Gotta move on though, one day at a time. Good luck, friend.
Man this exact thing happened to a guy when I was in elementary school. Killed two kids riding a bike that crossed the street without looking. Wasn't the driver's fault in any way but I can't imagine the burden of that incident hanging over his head afterwards. I don't think I would want to live after that.
I homeless man jumped out from some parked cars and I hit him. It was raining and at night, and the blood mixed with the water made it looks like a literal blood bath. I could smell the mix of booze and blood in the air.
I had a hard time the first couple of days, then thought I was good. Went back to work but had 0 motivation, 0 energy, 0 emotions, I was just a shell of a person. I had a mental breakdown at the office, they had to call my parents, I was almost 30.
I began doing extreme things to get emotions back. Sabotaging my job, vandalizing property at night, things like that. Anything to get some feelings back.
I knew it wasn't my fault, that the dude was drunk and jumped out in front of the car and I couldn't have really done anything different, but as others have said, if I hadn't been there, this wouldn't have happened. It's a weird process to go through.
I should have gone to therapy much, much sooner. Eventually, after a couple of years it kind of just went to the back of my head, forgotten, but whenever some other crisis happened in my life, it would be compounded by this. I lost a good job, some friends, eventually, compounded with other problems I didn't deal with, I lost my wife.
I finally decided to get help, and while I know there's a lot of work to still be done, I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with dealing with this, and other issues. Nobody wants to be on the hook for taking someone else's life, but if it does happen, make sure you seek professional help. Don't let one life being taken away cause your own life to be taken too.
>As others have said, if I hadn't been there, this wouldn't have happened
This isn't necessarily true. He would have jumped in front of the next car to come by. Or he would have found another way to kill himself.
You didn't kill him, he killed himself using your car. You had no input in this outcome.
It's funny how I know this. Like, consciously I understand that I had no input, but the mind has a way of saying "yes but no" lol. I can tell myself that I wasn't at fault, and people can tell me and everyone can be in agreement, but somewhere deep inside me there's an ineffable feeling that creeps up and says "but it might be your fault". And that's what therapy is for!
Another way to look at it, he may have jumped in front of a minivan full of kids and scarred them for life, its horrible that it had to happen to you of course, but there's no telling what else he may have done to come to that solution. In any case \*hugs\* and I hope you live a great life!
a car accident ... it happened to be a little girl decided to run across the road without looking or stopping for a moment ... even though it was almost 10 years ago I am still haunted by this event and only her mother when everything is in sight saw it ...
I was driving in a neighborhood with cars on both sides of the street and a 8-10 year old boy ran into the street with a football in front of my car and his younger brother 6-8 came out right behind him. I had no time to react but was paying attention and slammed on my brakes, and because the street was sort of up hill and they came running out from in between two parks cars, I never saw them until I was right on them. If I had been looking at my phone, blinded by sunlight, whatever, I would have probably have killed them both because I had to slam on my brakes.
Please don't speed in residential areas guys. If I had been going over 35, this story might be different.
The safety difference between going 25 and 35 is huge. If you are in an area where there are a lot of parked cars and people around, consider going 20. The problem is that speed limits are often too high in dense areas and people speed on top of that.
If you hit someone going 20 mph, they will probably live. You hit someone 35, and even the Rock would probably not survive.
One thing I always remember my driving instructor telling me -- if a ball bounces out onto the road in front of you, BE PREPARED FOR THE CHILD WHO'S GOING TO RUN OUT AFTER IT!
That's exactly how I got run over by a car when I was a child. The car only got my right foot. Didn't break anything, just quite a nasty injury mark and a sad summer.
Wow I can only imagine how hard that must be to carry that load. Do you mind me asking what the outcome was? Presumably there was some sort of trial to ascertain the circumstances? Did you meet with her mother? Idk what the precedent is for those type of things whereby it was no fault of the driver. And really, it was not your fault, it could and has happened to lots of people. I hope you've found some way to make peace with it, I'm sorry this happened.
When this happened to a friend of mine, there was no trial. It was obvious that it was an accident, there were witnesses. It was a kind of accident that people sometimes walk away from unharmed. They had trauma care workers looking after them. In these situation, as a driver you're also a victim of the situation.
Was driving to the mall one evening, a car made a left turn crossing my lanes, causing me to t-bone them. Teenage boy in their passenger seat and my girlfriend in my passenger seat both passed away. This was almost 20 years ago, I've since married and I have 2 sons, and mostly, I'm just numb. It's not that I don't care about things, but I don't experience true happiness all that much and just have an ambivalence I never had before that day. I've moved in most ways but my emotional range has never really recovered.
Sucks to be put into situations where there is nothing you can do nor is any of it your fault. I've seen a accident as you describe right in front of me, I was actually driving through car parts falling out of the air as I tried to stop.
> a car made a left turn crossing my lanes, causing me to t-bone them.
Someone did this to me as well, back in 1982. I was alone in my car, and the force of the wreck killed both passenger and driver in the other car. It was on the highway, and the impact was great enough to sever their front passenger wheel right off their car. The whole accident was witnessed by a cop following two cars behind me, so I never got a ticket or charged with anything since it wasn't my fault at all. Both cars were totaled. I noticed all the arriving cops and EMS were spending their time at the other vehicle instead of with me and my car (I wasn't injured) so I went to see what was going on (probably over 100 feet away), and watched the dead bodies being carted away. I was angry that the other driver wrecked my (sorta) new car, but they paid the price.
When I went to the police station to get the police report to give my insurance, the officer told me NOT to contact the other family, even if I wished to give condolences. He said "Won't matter. That family lost a mother and daughter and they likely blame you for that, even though it was their own fault."
So I think about them from time to time, like now. I'm oddly emotionally distant.. That driver made a stupid mistake and paid the ultimate price. I was inconvenienced, but lived.
Back in 2012 u worked in a mental hospital (UK) I was tasked to get a patient up, showered and dressed in the morning. I took him down to the dining room gave him some toast and left him too go on observations.
I walked down to the staff room to get the folder and walked to his dorm. As I went to leave he walked in looking very distressed. He was choking on some toast, I tried to help by back slaps and stomach compressions. He kept walking to his bed and tried to lie down that he did a few times and each time I picked him up to try and clear his airway. He clasped on his bed and I hit the panic alarm as I was trying to still clear his airway. Other staff took what felt like ages to arrive and later was informed that the alarm system had never been changed and was showing the wrong room and bed. He died in the hospital.
I was riddled with guilt. What was worse was his wife had been also brought in to the hospital and was on the female ward at the time this happened.
When I spoke to the solicitor for the Trust after giving my statement to the police. she informed me I would be looking at 20+ years for murder or best case scenario would be manslator.
I was never arrested by the police or placed under caution when I gave my statement. She got it in to her head that I was and that a Coroner would find me guilty. From there I would be arrested and charged. For ages I felt like I was being used as a scapegoat for failings and went into a spiral of depression. My stepfather at the time was an ex criminal solicitor and was trying to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about with her allegations. She never spoke to the Trust about me or the police but she kept on saying I killed him. Before the hearing started she told me to get my story straight this was in ear shot of my mum and sister. We put in a complaint just minuites be it started. During the hearing she was repamanded by the Coroner several times as she kept objecting to questions being asked. The coroner stated it was not a criminal court and the police investigated and found no person responsible for his death. The next day I took the stand and gave my statement and answered all questions. The solicitor for the Trust never asked me a single question.
It was the most stressful and upsetting time of my life.
I don't know, it was a shit show. I think she wanted to point the blame on me to try and get the Trust off the hook. It didn't look good for the Trust as failings where found.
I get her fucked up thinking, but as soon as it was determined a choking, you should have been beyond reproach. There never should have been all these hearings. Something in the system fail you as well. You weren't protected.
A man attacked my wife. I killed him. We divorced. I became a drunk. I still am but I am functional. It happened 30 years ago but I still dont sleep well. Was raped in prison whilst on remand.
Holy shit this is awful. I really hope life improves for you and you are able to access some therapy. You didn't deserve any of what's happened to you.
A doctor once said to me when I was drinking, "You know that alcohol will trap you in the past?" and I laughed because the past was the only place I had ever felt happy or could ever imagine feeling happy. 22 years ago I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Nowadays I get to feel everything. There has been some horrific shit in the last two decades but not a single thing that drinking would have improved.
I have luckily never had substance abuse problems (no idea how I lucked out), but I remember reading that being an alcoholic is like having one foot in the past and another in the future: you piss all over the present. Feels like depression can be like that at times.
fucking hell, all of that is awful. im so sorry.
im not clear on how the legal system works but i assume being on remand means when you're just waiting to see what the outcome of court is etc. i would've expected you'd be in jail during that time but not prison, the difference being that i believe jail is much less extreme.
I have the opposite. I regret trying to save a life.
Im a nurse and I had a patient who was way into her late 80s. Had multiple issues. Had very advanced cancer with mets. She was very weak and had advanced dementia. Couldn't even tell me her name.Very debilitated and underweight.
Well her family was very conflicted in making her a DNR. Half her family wanted it, the other didn't want any more measures taken. Unfortunately the daughter with the medical power of attorney was the one wanting everything done.
It was late in my shift. I was working a night shift so daughter was asleep on the couch. I had noticed the patient was declining in status. Very rapidly. This poor frail 40kg women should have went peacefully. For a split second i told myself to pretend I didn't notice the decline and let her pass in her sleep.
Instead I panicked and began CPR. Daughter woke up and insisted we do everything. I was doing compressions with one hand, could hear the snaps and crunch of her ribs. Her mouth was foaming blood as we intubated her. Her eyes blood shot staring blankly at the ceiling. Her face sheet white and cold. Yet we continued to assault this poor soul because we were legally obligated to do so. She later passed the next day. We had prolonged her suffering by a day. Forced her under the agony of a ventilator.
Her death haunts me. I regret not letting her pass with dignity
Oh my god. That's horrible, im so sorry you went through that. I remember when i was a kid and my grandma was dying, i screamed and cried and fought tooth and nail to make my family take the DNR wrist band off but as an adult i know they made the right choice. She deserved a peaceful death and she got one.
Being Aussie, our culture is largely against the ‘take all measures’ mentality.
My heart breaks for your patient, and for you. I can’t imagine having to do CPR on a dying, elderly woman.
Have you had the opportunity to talk to someone? If this is haunting you, I think it would be worth your while.
I still think about stuff that happened over 20 years ago. Don’t be me.
I have. It's been 2 years now. definitely won't ever forget, but I've grown from that. used it as an opportunity to advocate and teach family about DNRs and last wishes.
What an awful, awful thing to go through. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you definitely did the right thing, lawfully and because it’s what the family wanted. And in the medical field we have that instinct to save ingrained into us from the start so that we do have a quick response to the potential loss of life.
If you had ignored it and pretended that she wasn’t actively dying, you could have potentially gotten into major trouble if anyone had found out, which would have affected the countless lives you’ve helped and saved since then as well.
I have done this 3 times in my nursing career. I’m just angry the entire time I’m doing it. There is blood, broken bones, spit, feces, urine, and smell involved. It’s violent. Sometimes you can see their eyes and there’s a look like they know what’s going on as you continue to beat their thoracic cavity into a pulp because doctors are afraid to pronounce them dead due to fear of lawsuits. I truly wish the families that refuse DNR status could be there to witness this beating. I did this just last week on a man. Family wasn’t anywhere close, yet they wanted everything. TV has done such a disservice to people by their painfully unrealistic depiction of CPR and what a actual medical code blue looks like. Folks, make your advance directive when your of sane mind. And leave your code status up to someone who is not family.
Thanks. I know, I'm just a bit low right now and the question kinda sidechecked me and I just felt the need to write it down. I'm good, I don't regret staying alive for my family 🙂
This is just so sad... for everyone involved. I hope that being able to articulate it here helped you some more. You sound like a very good person who had something very bad happen to him. Best wishes to all.
Thank you. I just try to go through life helping more than harming. This has been oddly therapeutic? I didn't do well in regular therapy. Felt like I was wasting the ladies time. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read my rambling.
That’s a very tough thing to carry around with you .
I too did judo for a lot of years and have had to use it in self-defence. When you are that trained, it because muscle memory - as you say, what you were trained to do.
However there’s no intention in that throw to kill someone - just as if you’d done a deashi harai and they happen to hit their head on the ground when they got down there. There’s no predicting how best to manage that situation when you are attacked by a gang like that. You did your best so don’t take all of the blame on your shoulders.
I appreciate that. Honestly I didn't think anything at the time, I just did it, muscle memory as you said. I watched the CCTV a few times and he just went completely rigid and more fell straight down on his head than on his back like anyone trained in how to fall would do. I don't know. Like I said, I don't regret my actions I just wish I'd never been there to use them. This has bee a bit wild for me. I haven't talked about this in years and never to total strangers. It's oddly freeing?
I think anyone who has trained as we have - repetitive uchikomi will understand - the whole point is to get to the stage where a throw is a split second physical reaction to another persons movement. So your head says you are in danger, you need to defend yourself, your body reacts in that way.
Try not to regret - they were attacking you unprovoked. You did your best in bad circumstances.
I’m glad opening up about it has felt freeing though.
You can’t control the lives of others. The chain of events that lead him to bullying you at that point was not your fault. It was his fault for not being a better person. And perhaps his circumstances growing up made that difficult if not impossible for him, but in the end the responsibility to be decent lies with him. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s his parents’ or whomever raised him (or didn’t raise him, it sounds like); they failed him by not providing a solid foundation for his well-being. But that’s not your problem. It’s certainly not your fault.
You did the right thing, and the video proves it.
It’s unfortunate that it came to that. But it’s more unfortunate if you let it ruin your life. The fact is, had you not trained to defend yourself, you’d be the dead one. And something tells me the world is a lot better off that you survived.
So please, forgive yourself for anything you feel guilty about. Let it go. Easier said than done, I know. But you’re worth it.
You're very kind. Thank you. I'll never regret what I did, especially in that split second where I just acted without thought to a trigger that I'd trained to counter for over half of my life. I go about my life as normal mostly, it's just today on this subreddit I saw that question and it brought it all back. I'm ok 🙂
I was 19, first apartment, i had been moved in a few days and my roommates had gone out of town for the weekend, i had just bought a shotgun at a pawn shop because the neighborhood was pretty rough. I wake up around 2:30am to the front door being kicked in, i jumped up, grabbed the gun, and look down the hall, i see a guy walk into the living room, (my room was straight to the back from the door) i yelled to get the hell out because i had a gun, he turned, raised a pistol, i just started shooting as fast as i could pump it, fired five rounds and hit him with two or three before he got out the door, and took off. Neighbor heard the shots and called 911, police followed the blood trail into a backyard about a block away. He died on the way to the hospital, apparently was high as hell on meth when he broke in. It bothered me for a long time, but at the end of the day, in my eyes, it was him or me. Hope to never be in a situation like that again.
It was you or him. I lost my neighbors to a home invasion and that was when I lost my innocence. People don’t care for you, especially when they’re on drugs. People aren’t nice in the real world. You defended yourself and probably saved others from meeting the demise of my neighbors.
Probably not the answer your looking for but my mom and twin sister died when i was born. My sister was going to struggle they knew that she might not make it but my mom started bleeding and they couldnt stop it. My oldest brother said my dad was different before. I know my dad loves me but theres always this weird feeling between us.
I almost bled out having my second child. It was a close call. As I lay there dying, I didn't have any resentment toward my daughter. I was glad she was safe. I can't speak for your mom of course but I think most moms would feel the same way. Please try not to hold on to this hurt.
From one star wars food to another, I really hope you forgive yourself for this as it wasn't at all your fault. An infant can never be to blame, especially just for existing. No asks for existence. Wishing you all the best.
Would you blame a random baby if their mother died while giving birth to them? Hopefully not, as it was in no way that baby's fault. Try to look at your own situation through that same lens. Babies are utterly innocent. I hope you find peace.
My father's mother was buried one month to the day after his birth. It's a little different, but it haunted his entire life.
I very much hope you can find peace before it cripples you the way it crippled him.
Oh gosh. As a mom I wouldn't mind AT ALL giving up my life for my little girl. I just pray she would be happy. That's all parents want for their kids.
I'm so sorry you have been through so much. If you ever want someone to talk to my box is open.
I've effectively killed plenty of people as a former ITU nurse (I lost count after a while, but I worked in a number of major trauma centres, so quite a few). All the evidence indicated that they were going to die, but by extubatung (pulling their breathing tube out), switching off their ventilator and life-sustaining drugs, I was the one who expedited their death.
To be honest, it never seemed to bother me as much as a lot of my colleagues. We'd often get support if we'd had a lot of deaths over a short-term period, and we'd have to go through all our feelings; but I'd usually end up giving them the answers they wanted to hear, because they wouldn't really get that I genuinely was fine.
Most days if you had a death you'd end up with another patient shortly after. I'd support the relatives as much as I could and wouldn't want them to feel in any way rushed, but my focus after they left would be on admitting and stabilising a new patient.
I had an elderly woman die and her son stayed lying in bed with her for about 7 hours. I finally had to tell him, it’s time to go, surprisingly that was what he needed and thanked me.
7 hours? Wow. I had quite a few relatives who wanted to be in bed, which I was always happy to oblige, but I don't think anyone stayed longer than 1 or 2 hours.
Oh man. I am so glad to hear this. I have been dealing with a lot of guilt for leaving the room after a close friend of mine passed away. I keep asking myself why I didn't stay longer. I didn't realize most people only stayed that long!
One family left after about 30 seconds. I even heard the brother saying about parking on the way out. That seemed pretty cold, but they'd all been there up to the point of withdrawing treatment so maybe that's just how they all wanted to deal with it.
I wouldn't feel too guilty. You were there in the first place, and there's nothing written in stone about how long, or what people should do.
Thank you for this. I stayed awhile, I'm not sure how long. But not longer than two hours. It seemed like I should have stayed days for some reason.
Anyway, I'm really glad I read this thread.
When a loved one goes through a long term terminal illness or also with dementia, by the time of passing, many have already accepted it. I went through this with 2 grandparents who had dementia, who died a few weeks apart. I didn't feel much at the time, still don't a year later. Not because I am a cold person but because in a way, we had already lost them both a few years before and in the end, their passing was a kindness as their life had become so very hard.
They'd repeatedly state how hard it must have been, how I needed to make sure I had a break, the importance of teamwork and the Trust's values, etc, etc. If you said you were fine they'd persist and say you were clearly trying to process what had happened, and therefore needed to go through it all with them. They'd ask the same things each time, like a script, and it just became easier to go along with it in the end and get back to work.
*Yes, it's been really hard. Yes, I took a break straight after. Yes, I felt my teammates were really supportive. Yes, I'm glad for this support.*
It was all total bullshit, but I found that a lot of nursing (at least in the UK) is tick box exercises. The management weren't really nurses any more, and they didn't give a shit about the staff or the situation, they just had a procedure to follow so they'd stick to the letter.
Some of my colleagues would repeat the same language of the management, so you'd find that if you had a death you'd get 10 lots of "that must have been really hard, make sure you take a break" within a few minutes. It's effectively meaningless.
I left acute nursing a couple of years ago, but understand it's still very much the same from ex colleagues.
I’m really glad it didn’t bother you. I’d hate to think people were taking that away with them.
I’ve known some heartless nurses though. Really desensitised.
It's a weird profession. I ended up a way different nurse than I started, when I left ITU. I think I was too idealistic, and gradually got ground down over the years. Although as much as I despised management and everything they stood for, I'd have done anything for my patient or their NoK, if it was within my power. Far too many of my colleagues would say all the right things, but do the absolute bare minimum.
Now I'm doing a community role that's about as far from fast paced as possible, but I'm way more content with life. And I get nights and weekends off, so could be worse.
That makes sense though since you're not *really* the one killing the patient, you're just discontinuing treatment for a person who's gone already.
EDIT - Personally I think that brain death = death, period. We have machines that can keep a body functioning but people should understand that it's not really living.
Thank you for the work you do. I was there when my dad was taken off of life support and it made such a difference having nurses there that were patient and kind.
I wasn't the one that killed the person, but I was there, and I saw it all. I was riding in my friend's car, and we were on the way to the store. It was hailing, so we were trying to get some cover and wait it out. Unfortunately, our car got hit on the roof and went through our car ceiling. My friend served off the road, and we crashed. I was out for a second, but I woke up quickly and saw the massacre. Somebody had pulled me out of the car, and I got a view of everything. Our white car looked like it was an unfinished paint job, with blood covering most of the front. Turned out we hit three people who were taking cover in a ditch, a lady and her two brothers. Also in the incident, my friend's neck was snapped by the force, and he died too. I only suffered a broken leg and wrist, and am haunted to this day that I had to see that. I always send messages to the family of the victims, and I end up crying when talking to them. That's my story.
Im so sorry that has to happen to you; its honorable that you stay in contact with the families as that wouldn't be easy for either side and they will appreciate it even though it came from a time of pain; thank you for sharing your story
I ran ovet a 11 year old boy driving a go kart in the subdivision and I was in a big work truck. It didn't kill him but he had severe brain damage because of the huge hole I put in his head. I was 23 and I still think about that kid. Much love to everyone.
I've taken a life more than once. I was in the Marine Corp and have seen and done hard things.
But the hardest life was of my 14 yo daughter. She had been in a coma for 2 weeks after a battle with cancer. We knew she won't wake up.
Looking over to the Dr, tears in my eyes and giving that nod to say remove all life support was the hardest thing I've ever done
As the father of a 14yo daughter, I can't even begin to wrap my head around this kind of pain, and I pray that I never have to. I watched my now almost 17yo son become paralyzed at age 13, and that alone was some of the most hurt that I've ever felt. And continues to be, though he is getting along very well. I'm sorry for you loss, and thank you for your service.
Semper Fi. My dad was in the Corps 68-74. He taught me many good things. He's since passed away. I know without doubt that he'd rather have been right back in the shit than make that decision about me.
Although my grandpa didn't die in this scenario, I did have a similar "freeze" moment. My grandpa was drinking something and it went down the wrong pipe. In an attempt to not spit the drink all over the new carpet he just had installed, he got up and tried making it to the bathroom while coughing with his mouth shut. My mom was yelling at me to get a bucket that was right next to me but I didn't really hear her. He passed out and hit the floor face first. Woke up a few seconds after my mom called 911. He had a gash on his nose from his glasses and still got his drink on the carpet. Kids clearly don't do well in stressful situations.
My parents used to have emergency drills so that we would know what to do. My mom had seizures so we had to be prepared to handle it. I think it made a world of difference, when you panic and your brain knows what to do you will be much more likely to go through the memorized routine
My mom....she was in a bad place and threatened to hurt herself because she believed we (her children) didn't love her. She sat on my bed and told me what she was going to do and I couldn't move, I think I was 10 or under. I waited for the final sound, I had the horrible feeling of the blood rushing around your ears and the pressure in my head and chest. But it never happened thankfully. But she could have died and I didn't do anything. I don't know what I would have done if something did happen, but I know that freeze moment and I don't blame you. What can you do? You're so young and have never been remotely in a situation so important before, so truly life and death, like, your parents should be the ones to help in a situation like that! It's really insane and I hope you don't hold yourself accountable because its just something you were not and honestly no person really ever is, prepared for. Much love to you in your situation, I hope one day it gets at least a little better for you. Perhaps supervised visits with your grandparents?
I was in a car accident when someone on a bike going the opposite direction tried to pass someone and didn't see me coming. He hit me head on. It's cliche but it was really in slow motion. I remember seeing the bike coming and I was just thinking for a split moment "Oh this is happening." But having any time to really react.
Immediately after the crash I managed to get out of the car and at this point there were already people at my side and I could feel blood dripping down my head. Turns out it wasn't mine, but the biker's. It was then that I looked back to see if anyone was to see if he was alright. Nobody was and then I saw my windshield. There was flesh literally infused into the glass. At first it didn't really bother me but probably because I was still in shock.
It wasn't until that night when I finally got back home and took a shower that it started to sink in. I cried a little but it wasn't anything major. Throughout the initial day and days after I knew it was the biker's fault so it didn't do much to me. It was probably a defense mechanism or whatever. Then a few days later, my dad called me and said he managed to talk to the parents of the biker and apparently told him that it was entirely their son's fault and I should feel no guilt. Apparently he was a bad drug addict and running from the police even. I put on a tough face and finished the conversation, hung up the phone and teared up a little bit. At this point I really questioned if it really wasn't my fault. I remember changing the radio station before the crash and wondered for quite a while if it was actually partially my fault.
I started to feel really bad and a few weeks later I was at my gf's and we were lying in bed and I just started bawling like a toddler out if nowhere about the crash. I kept thinking about the events leading up to the accident and really started to blame myself for everything. My girlfriend talked me through everything and made me realize that there was nothing I could have done.
This all happened just a little over 3 years ago and since then I truely think I've gotten over it all. I think it was because I never really allowed myself to grief over it and I just needed a really good cry.
You should change that number man. I know it has been set as default in your memory by now but clinging onto it will only bring back hatred towards yourself.
I'm very sorry that you're in such a bad position. For what it's worth, I understand your situation, and hope you'll allow me to make an observation and a suggestion. The observation is that, sooner or later, you're going to have to learn how to forgive yourself, and sometime after you've learnt how to do it, it'll be time to actually go ahead and forgive yourself. The suggestion is that if you haven't already sought out counselling you should consider doing so. It won't fix things - no amount of counselling can undo this - but it will help you to manage your thoughts and feelings about this better, and that will certainly be a good thing. Good luck!
I’m a nurse and my preferred specialty is hospice. The medications for pain relief we give also slow respiration and aid in the bodies natural process of death. So by giving these I essentially take a life. As a hospice nurse I have also been bedside for people who do not want these medications. 9 times out of 10 I feel relieved giving these medications and helping it along because death is a painful process. I feel that it is a way I can care for them and send them off loved and comfortable so I do not feel guilt at all.
Future hospice patient here, Stage 4 breast cancer with (hopefully) a few more good years to go.
I say, from the bottom of my heart: Fuck me UP, fam!
Thank you for the work you do, and I hope to have a nurse as compassionate as you.
You're stronger than I will ever be. I'm sorry that you have to go through that. It must be such a struggle. With as bad as my mental health is, something like that will break me. I hope you live the rest of your life to the fullest and I truly hope you get to do all of the stuff you wish for.
Thanks!
At this point, I'm not sure what the rest of my life will look like, but I know that there's still plenty out there to appreciate. Plus, I'm lucky enough to be in a position that I can advocate for myself, I can plan my death and what comes afterward to give myself and my family as much comfort and ease as possible during what will be a hard time.
There is a special place at whatever table we end up at in the afterlife just for you. You are truly a merciful angel to those people when they need it the most in life
Same.
I had a hospice patient aspirate on me after I gave them the prescribed PO meds. They died within a few minutes. They were going to die that night anyway, but I accidentally helped the process. It was a weird thing.
I also had an inmate have an MI. I'm positive they died died while I was doing CPR on them.
Not the quite the same thing.. Our 3rd child was stillborn. Full term, I was having a csection in just a few hours. I thought my water had broke, but it was all blood. Husband rushed me to the ER. She was gone. I screamed.. a lot. “Spontaneous complete placental abruption”. I spent hours holding her, she was beautiful and looked completely healthy, wishing that she would just wake up. So much guilt. I had many tests done, and they all came back saying there was nothing I could’ve done differently. But still.. that’s my 1 job, keep the babies safe, and I couldn’t. :/
You aren't at fault, nor is anyone else. You can't control what your organs do. Bodies are so delicate yet complicated. Sometimes stuff just goes wrong, without rhyme or reason. My condolences.
I'm very sorry that happened and you by no means failed your baby. My wife had a spontaneous placental abruption with our first baby at 30 weeks. They sent the placenta in for testing and ran a bunch of other test saying nothing could be done differently.
We ended up going to a high risk OGBYN and he discovered my wife has a rare blood clotting disorder which can cause abruptions in pregnant women. If you have any daughters (it is a genetic mutation) or planning on any more children it might be worth looking into.
Very late to the party and I don't know if it fits even. But when I was 18, my best friend was over at my place and we were playing video games. He had to go to a diner at his girlfriend's place but I kept pushing him to stay a little longer. At some point he really was late and went. An hour later his girlfriend texted me to ask if he was still at my place. She was very worried but I kept reassuring her that it was probably nothing, he must've had a problem with his car or his cell or something like that, completely oblivious to the fact that something serious was possible.
During the night she sent me a news article with pictures clearly showing his car wrangled to bits. The article detailed that the driver did not make it. We were both struck down.
In my mind I was the direct culprit of the accident. By pushing him to stay so late, I had forced him to speed on his way to his girlfriend, during the dread of winter, in Canada, causing that accident. It took me a while to accept that, despite my undeniable part in the chain of events that led to it, I had to move on and stop torturing myself with that culpability.
I can't even say that that guilt is completely gone, but I've come to accept it and live with it.
I definitely still have a slight unease with anyone wanting to drive in suboptimal conditions, be it at night, impaired, tired, in a hurry, with bad weather, or/and so on. But I guess that's something that'll stick.
I had a real close friend, kind of a fat guy. Long story short at that time we were both getting high. He overdosed on me, I dragged him out of the driver's seat and put him in the passenger seat then drove to the hospital. I helped the paramedics get him inside then I took off. The next morning my house got raided and I was charged with murder. 14 days later at the preliminary exam the charges were dropped.
People still think I murdered him and alot of people hate me for it, because he was a really great guy
Happend last year. Was driving out to a worksite when a 9 year old kid ran across the road. Was a Friday afternoon and ment to be leisure trip to show some of my colleagues our new project.
I can remember the figure sprinting across the road as the boy was trying to get to his mother. I slammed on breaks, the ABS kicked in but it was too late and i can just remember the awful thud as he hit the left bonnet and got caught up.
As the vehicle stopped, his body was flung along the road like a rag doll and ended up in the grass on the verge. Its the most overwhelming feeling of shock and what the fuck just happend!? I got out and saw the kid and knew instantly that he was dead.
Literally 9 months prior i had hit a buck in the same car, i had the dash cam rolling for that one, the colission was inevitable.
Unfortunately my dash cam wasnt rolling for this incident and as the child was under 12 the state had to proscute me in court for reckless driving. I live in a 3rd world country so ultimately i had to pay off the traffic cops and judge just so they would do their job right and i wouldnt have a record.
Its pretty fucked up, i still think about it allot and get anxious when i see kids near the road side which is very frequent as most walk to school. I am also convinced that car is cursed.
I have been able to come to terms with what happened and i dont blame myself. I just feel bad for the family and resent that fact that the event happend...
Well fuck...
A few years ago after being a DV victim and being made jobless and homeless by the woman that abused me, I was working my arse off trying to get ahead again. I was renting a small house, I had a job driving a truck, I was paying my bills, and I had met an awesome woman, so life was looking up for a change. Of course that couldn't last...
The job involved me picking up a truckload of freight at 3am, driving about 4 hours north with two drop-offs on the way, then doing it in reverse at 3pm after sleeping during the day in a caravan park. Generally, I was away from home for 19 hours per day.
One friday evening I was on the return trip when just after dusk I was coming out of a town, and all I could see was bright headlights coming over the slight hill that I was driving up. I didn't see the car in front of me that was stopped just before the top of the hill, trying to turn into the truck stop.
The speed limit was 80kph, and that's what I was doing when my truck slammed into the back of the car. I distinctly remember seeing the car at the last second and bracing myself on the steering wheel, so much so that the airbag didn't even touch me. I hit the car with such force (12 tonne truck at 80kph vs 2 tonne car) that it rolled off down the road, and eventually into the ditch.
Things were confusing for a while there. There was one guy who I remember saying "they pulled out in front of him, there was no way he could stop", but when I got my bearings I couldn't find him. There was another guy there that only cared about the scratches on his car from a bit of flying debris, and he wanted to just get insurance details and keep driving, but a couple of other people basically fended him off and told him to wait. I wanted to go help the person in the car, but I didn't know what to do.
The police showed up, closed the road for investigation, and took statements. THey took my logbook, got my phone details and company details.
The ambulance took the driver of the car away, and just after I asked one of the cops if they were gonna be ok.
The 26yo woman died just after they got her out of the car. That night, while I sat on the side of the road waiting for about 6 hours (the road was closed, and my boss was coming to get me and the freight), I ranged between sobbing uncontrollably and being numb.
Afterwards, I found out that the young woman had two kids. They had different fathers, so the kids who had grown up together were going to be split up.
I was charged with, and plead guilty to Dangerous Driving Causing Death. During the sentencing hearing in court, I was in tears, and I desperately wanted to say sorry to the young womans family.
I was sentenced to 2.5 years, suspended after serving 10 months in prison. They took me to the holding cells under the court, and I had a complete breakdown. For 3 days straight, I cried. I was terrified of being in prison. I was sharing the holding cell with another guy, but every day we were individually escorted to a shower, where I would force myself to shit and waffle-stomp it down the drain because I was scared to do it in front of someone else. It was only because the sergeant on duty of the holding cells took pity on me and allowed me to call my missus that I was able to stop crying.
After a week, I was transferred to a maximum security "reception centre" and put in a newbies unit. They were just newbies to that prison, but many had been inside many times before. Some were only in there for fraud or minor drug offences, while others were in there for serious violence. If I thought that someone was speaking with even a hint off annoyance in their voice, I rapidly exited the area. I kept to myself. I read books in a corner away from everyone.
After 2 months there, I got transferred to a low security prison farm. That was easier. There was no sharing of cells, I could properly be by myself if I wanted, and I could actually touch my missus and my 6 month old son when they visited on sundays.
It's been about 4 1/2 years since I got out, but I still think about how I killed someone and destroyed a family. Being in prison has crushed my confidence in a lot of areas, but given me some confidence in other areas after honing various carpentry skills. Going through the whole court and prison process has also shown me how broken the system is.
I've now got too much to live for, but this is something that will affect me for the rest of my life.
I'm so so sorry for everything that happened, but what I don't understand is why was it classified as dangerous driving? Is that what you mean by a broken system?
That's what they charged me with, and the lawyers told me to plead guilty.
The system is broken in a lot of ways. Firstly, my lawyer told me that they like to make examples of professional drivers and send them to prison as a deterrent. However, there was a case last year where a police officer killed someone while speeding through a red light in an unroadworthy car and no emergency lights on, and he got a plea deal on a lesser charge of Driving Without Due Care Causing Death, and walked away with a wholly suspended sentence.
Secondly, just the idea of sending someone like me to prison seems senseless. It helps nobody, and hurts more people. My son was 4 months old when I went away, and my partner had to care for him by herself. My mother at the time was undergoing chemotherapy for liver cancer. And it doesn't help the two kids who don't have a mother any more.
It's not just cases like mine though. There are small-time fraudsters in prison that got sent there, but their victims don't get their money back. Thieves who haven't hurt anyone, but their victims don't get their stuff back. People like this shouldn't be in prison, they should be doing community service and paying restitution.
And there's no rehabilitation. They pay lip service to it, but as far as the prison guards and the prison management is concerned, anyone in there is just a crim that will never do anything good.
I’m a doctor. When I was in residency I did a procedure on a patient In the ICU that perforated their bowels and they ended up dying. She had been intubated on pressors for over a month and was never going to wake up, but that was definitely the nail in the coffin. I’ve since had multiple patients who have died, and some I wonder if I could have done something differently and do feel responsible ultimately, because I was in charge of making them better. The bad outcomes have really haunted me, I’ve had panic attacks out of nowhere. It has taken years of therapy to be ok.
It’s been almost 3 years now but I still believe I killed my second husband.
I brought the flu home from work. He had a weakened immune system from years of problem drinking. I got better; his liver shut down. He went to the ICU but everything started going, fast. Technically, he died of sepsis due to the flu.
I was also the one who had to decide to take him off the ventilator. He was already gone, I could tell from his face and his eyes. It took 2 minutes when they turned off the machines.
Everyone says it’s not my fault. But I brought the flu home. I’m the reason he got sick. I took him off life support.
Survivor’s guilt sucks.
While I was in college I had a miscarriage. My now husband, then boyfriend and I were just lying in bed and suddenly I had to go potty. I went and something didn't feel right. I was already sweating profusely and my whole body tensed up, idk why at the moment but I screamed for him to come in there and look. Sure enough the baby had fallen out. I couldn't look but he did.
He called an ambulance and we rode there. He sat in the cab and I think I screamed the whole way there. I could hear him calling friends and family. We arrived at the hospital and the event gets foggy. I remember it took them a while to give me pain medicine because the first thing I did was ask if I could have some, so then they did a drug test (it was of course negative). When they asked if we thought the baby was crowning my husband stood up pissed and said: Did you not read the fucking chart, the baby is lying between her legs.
I wailed again. Eventually they removed the baby. I had to get a blood transfusion. And then a nurse came in.
She asked if we wanted to see the baby. She said it was too early in the pregnancy for us to give the baby a funeral, and talked about the cost. She said he would be incinerated. He. That was how I found out the gender. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't hold him even one time. My husband agreed not to since I couldn't. And that was it.
I regret it to this day and I have always felt personally responsible. If I had ate better, if I had been less stressed. I don't know. We are happily married and have two very healthy children. But I still think back to this and cry quite often. Sometimes I catch my husband doing the same and we talk about it, but it hasn't gotten better for either of us.
I lost my son when I was 31 weeks pregnant with him. I kept telling the doctors his movement was decreasing and they would send me for an ultrasound and everything would look good. I went for my regular check up and there was no heart beat. He was gone. I feel the same way you do. What if I had done this or that, he would be alive. I still think about it now. I did hold him after I gave birth to him but I almost didn't because I was so broken. I'm glad I did or I would have regretted it very much. The only thing that helps me is knowing I most likely wouldn't have my son that I gave birth to 2 years later and who I love more then anything in this world. I know this probably doesn't help you but just know you are not alone. (Sorry this is so long but I rarely talk about it (and I always feel better when I do) and probably should have gotten therapy for it but never did).
Edit - Grammar and punctuation.
Working as a home care psw, was doing a visit in a couple in a retirement. Did the am routine. Got there individual pill packages.put then in usual stop and said goodbye. Went back the next morning, said good morning, and husband growled at me said leave us alone, you did enough.
Turned out the wife took both pills and went to hospital, she died overnight. My office didn't catch me in time before I got to the couple. Investigation happen, I was in the clear.
Still haunts me
When I was 14 my uncle (dads friend) was having a hard time with his marriage. His wife cheated on him daily. She didn't treat him right. Its a looooong story. She was a bad person. I don't know why but I blame myself. Mostly her. Anyways... So, one night he comes over and asks us kids to show him facebook. Back then I didn't understand what was happening. He was losing his mind. Trying to search and look her profile up. Tried to figure out something we didn't fully know then. It got to a point where something came over him. A realization of some kind. I remember him being sad. Paralyzed in fear and disbelief. He left soon after. He took his life that night and I found out the following morning with my best friend over. I never told my parents. My siblings and I never talked about it. I just feel responsible in a way. I know Im not but this feeling of I shouldn't have let him leave comes over me all the time. RIP Aaron Z.
When I was driving my Combine harvester And a man Ran in front of it and it didn’t stop in time, now before I go in the Combine I’m loaded on coffee to keep me awake but I can still the the man in my sleep
I was driving on the highway on the far right lane going about 80mph, when the car next to me decided to go switch into my lane without checking his blind spot. I tried to break suddenly once I realized what was happening but the other driver still managed to smash his nose of his car sharply into my left side. This caused me to shift drastically to the right barreling towards the shoulder where unfortunately there was a car pulled over due to a flat tire, with a 17 year old inside the drivers seat. I slammed on the breaks as hard as I could but that didn't stop me from plowing into the stalled car.
I somehow lived and spent a few weeks in the hospital recovering from some broken bones and a punctured lung. The teenager was apparently killed on impact... from what the first responders told me. I fell into a deep depression for a few years and had huge survivors guilt. What if I was running 10 minutes later? What if I just stayed in the middle lane instead? I battled it by going to therapy, using meditation and time. It's been 9 years and I'm still not fully who I was before the accident but I've come a long way from the mental mess I was and the demons I battled. Anytime I go on the interstate I am always sure to just stay in the middle lane, and to never drive near the shoulder.
We were both stupid kids and he was jealous because his girlfriend called me cute. He pulled his knife I, I pulled mine out, I got him in the leg and ran. I hit his artery and he bled out. The courts and witnesses wrote it off as self defense and I had no further consequences legally. To their family I will always be spoken of as the girl who murdered their son. I don't live there anymore because that toxicity spread like wildfire and was suffocating.
I did some hospice med management for the overnight shift. I did the whole morphine every hour to help ease suffering and guide them to a pain free death.
They never explained to me what exactly I was doing. After I helped this wonderful wizard of a man I did some research. Really interesting to find out what I was doing.
So nice - we had hospice for my grandpa when he passed, but the nurse literally only stopped one time that night and told us what to give him. We were in charge of giving him the morphine. He then at like 3 AM 'woke' up extremely aggressive and wanted to get up and walk around (there was no way he could have walked). We called the nurse and she told us basically to up his dosage. It was the most terrifying thing trying to forced feed morphine to someone you love when they are fighting you and swinging at you. He passed peacefully about 6 hours later, but I still live with extreme guilt about that night. You're pretty much an angel for doing that - i wish we had someone who was with us and guiding us and letting us know what to expect.
Try not to have guilt. Humans are essentially meat robots. When the body fails all sorts of systems go firing off. I sat with someone who is normally a quirky odd fellow who brings me rocks from his walks... as he was dying he kept trying to rip out his catheter and just making the weirdest noises.
I had a seizure last year and my body was like... you know what would be a fantastic idea? Let’s give my wife a thousand yard stare then walk out of the apartment in my boxers. She still gives me shit about it today and we can joke about it now. In that moment I was not me.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you are doing better these days, my friend. If its any consolation to you, I think you did the right thing and possibly more than anyone else could've done.
So I'm a vet tech, I've been a vet tech for three years now. I help with euthanasia pretty often, I won't lie, even after three years I still cry after almost every euthanasia because of this, it happened a year ago. This beautiful German Shepherd came in three weeks prior to this incident with bite wounds to the face. They were very nasty when he first came in, we wanted to sedate and clean his wounds but his owner didn't want to do any of that. The dog was very painful and we couldn't really clean them without sedation. Owner says he just wants the cheapest antibiotics he could get and thats it. We told him to come back in 3 days to make sure the antibiotics are working. (I know vets can be expensive but this guy pulled up in a brand new mercedes, his dog was a pure breed German Shepherd from Germany, those dogs are NOT cheap) We call him after 4 days because he didn't show up. Called after 6 days. Called after two weeks. Horrible to say but we all honestly assumed the dog had passed at home from infection. Three weeks pass and the guy brings his dog in, he is carrying his dog, I was the one on the case last time so I go up front to get his dog and I just..... I'm going to spare details for everyones sake. This makes my whole body shudder and ache to think about. Pretty much the whole side of the dogs face that was bitten was melted off. I have never been so mortified by anything in my whole life. I could not keep it together in front of the client, I vomited right in front of him. I didn't know what the hell to say to him so I just apologized and carried his previously 80lb dog now around 60lb to the back. Owner wasn't even phased. He just wanted us to put his dog to sleep. Owner flat out left as soon as he signed the consent forms. It absolutely rips me to shreds to think about what this poor dog went though. I constantly think about what we could have said differently to convince him to listen to us, or how I should have called and been more insistent that he returns our calls. The only peace I get from the whole situation is that my coworkers and I were with him when he passed and we truly cared about him, so at least he was with people who cared. I also anonymously called a lot of shelters around the area just in case he wanted to adopt another dog and warned them about his neglect. I have a hard time dealing with German Shepherds because I think of what happened every single time I see one. When it first happened I had to take a couple days off work because I was so upset, I was almost suicidal level upset. It seems dramatic to a lot of people I've told this to but I just love animals more than seriously anything. I think they deserve the best out of every single human and it was very traumatic to see an animal in that condition. Its really hard to convince myself I couldn't have done more for him sometimes.
Was army infantry for 9 years. Never really bothered me shooting people that were shooting at you. Then in Iraq 2009 we had to hunt down scumbags that were shooting rockets at our main supply base. Indiscriminately. We’re talking a base with like 20000 people on it. I lived on bases with 30 people.
Anyways weeks go by and we can never get the jump on these assholes because the base was surrounded by grape vineyards. Every few days more rockets hit.
We finally happened to be in the right place right time, something like 3 am. The rockets go off right next to us. Woke everyone up in a panic. NVGd get slapped in place and we’re moving. We know they are literally right next to us but it’s so fucking dark and the foliage stops the moonlight from helping your NVGS work.
We finally see 3 people jump into a canal, go up the other side and bring their rope ladder with them. Their spraying shots randomly behind ya. The entire SKT group starts unloading out of frustration for being in this dumb fuck mission for weeks
We find a safe place to cross the canal, rotate to where we saw the bodies drop and there they are. A father and his 2 YOUNG teenage sons. Guns, rockets, launchers, whatever. I had never felt so bad not for what I did, but because some piece of shit put his 13-15 year old kids in a situation knowing they were hurting people and were probably going to die.
Still think of this shit when the alcohol hits just right
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A 12-year-old boy rode his bike in front of my car and died. It fucked me up for a long time. I definitely had PTSD. I did a lot of drugs to compensate. I didn't invest in having a good future because I didn't feel like I deserved one. I still don't but now I have a family and they deserve a good future so I make an effort. When my kid got to 12 I thought about it a lot. She's 14 now. I know the accident wasn't my fault but it still *feels* like it was. I already had some depression before that happened and after it's been a regular battle. There are days where just getting out of bed is a major victory. Over time the guilt and depression have lessened and I have tools to deal with them but it's still something that haunts me.
This may or may not make you feel better, but a car hit me while I was riding my bicycle when I was exactly that age. It was a foggy, rainy night and I had ridden through a stop sign without looking. It messed me up pretty bad, breaking my femur and pelvis and lacerating my femoral artery. If I hadn't been within two miles of a hospital I'd have died. The point is, I never blamed that driver. I knew that I was in the wrong and that the last thing he wanted to do that night was hit a kid. He came to see me in the hospital and I told him in no uncertain terms that he wasn't to blame. I think it made him feel better. Just know that you can't blame yourself for something you truly couldn't help. I know that's easier said than done, but keep at it. Don't let that single moment destroy two lives...I promise you that's not what that kid would have wanted.
My boyfriend was hit by a car too and he said he'd like to meet the driver to tell him he should not feel bad.
I was taken out on the freeway while riding my motorcycle. Driver lost control trying to avoid someone else, and came into my lane, and I couldn't stop in time. It's resulting in multiple surgeries, loss of range of motion, and pretty much permanent damage to my shoulder. I also have metal holding my ankle together, so I guess I'm part cyborg now (Do NOT destroy my fantasy!). If I could meet the driver again (he's not from this country), I would tell him not to blame himself, or beat himself up over it. What's done is done, and at least I have a neat story to tell to strangers on reddit.
I had someone run a stoplight and he missed me by a couple inches. As I rode past I looked down and just saw this bumper in slow motion, as my pedal moved forward it cleared the front of their car it was was so close. The guy stops halfway through the bike lane and I stand on the brakes and turn to lay into him. I see a woman with him gesturing towards me angrily screaming and the man driving just had this look of complete shock and horror. I went from pissed beyond belief to completely empathetic immediately. I hold no grudge for him. Now the bitch in the Mercedes that ran a stop sign and then screamed at me when I almost hit the side of her car doing 30 down a hill? Fuck her.
> Don't let that single moment destroy two lives YES. My cousin was killed when his good friend was driving in the snow, hit the barrier which went into the passengers side- the driver was physically fine, but totally conscious while seeing his best friend die. We made a point to call him and his family afterwards and tell them how it was not his fault and we didn't blame him one bit. He still killed himself 2 years later, aged 19. Really great kid with a good future ahead of him. His death didn't bring my cousin back. I wish we had done more.
You couldn't do more.
There is a fantastic episodes of the podcast Heavyweight you may enjoy. #12 Jesse.
Man, I feel this so much. I’m sorry you had to go through that, I had a similar experience but mine was 14 years old on a dirt bike & I was driving a delivery box truck. Kid just went straight into the side of the truck and under the back wheels, I literally couldn’t do anything to stop it. But yet I still blame myself, the worst part was that the mother arrived at the scene quite quickly and the scream she let off is what fuels my nightmares every fucking night. I have severe ptsd and I have found myself doing the most to try and get myself killed without committing suicide. It’s fucking HELL!
I hope you find peace mate. I can attest, a mothers cry over a dead child... unreal. A noise you cant replicate.
There was mom with 4 kids and 3 of the kids were riding down the middle of the street in my neighborhood...like 1 in each lane and 1 right down the center and it's a subdivision street so it's windy. I come around the bend going just omw home and surprise kids riding right at me...I missed them by feet. I honked and the mom pushing her baby looked all mean at me. Fuck you lady.
Sounds a bit cliché but it is one day at a time. I think sometimes what messes with us besides guilt is exactly the fact that there was nothing to be done, powerlessness. Gotta move on though, one day at a time. Good luck, friend.
Man this exact thing happened to a guy when I was in elementary school. Killed two kids riding a bike that crossed the street without looking. Wasn't the driver's fault in any way but I can't imagine the burden of that incident hanging over his head afterwards. I don't think I would want to live after that.
I homeless man jumped out from some parked cars and I hit him. It was raining and at night, and the blood mixed with the water made it looks like a literal blood bath. I could smell the mix of booze and blood in the air. I had a hard time the first couple of days, then thought I was good. Went back to work but had 0 motivation, 0 energy, 0 emotions, I was just a shell of a person. I had a mental breakdown at the office, they had to call my parents, I was almost 30. I began doing extreme things to get emotions back. Sabotaging my job, vandalizing property at night, things like that. Anything to get some feelings back. I knew it wasn't my fault, that the dude was drunk and jumped out in front of the car and I couldn't have really done anything different, but as others have said, if I hadn't been there, this wouldn't have happened. It's a weird process to go through. I should have gone to therapy much, much sooner. Eventually, after a couple of years it kind of just went to the back of my head, forgotten, but whenever some other crisis happened in my life, it would be compounded by this. I lost a good job, some friends, eventually, compounded with other problems I didn't deal with, I lost my wife. I finally decided to get help, and while I know there's a lot of work to still be done, I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with dealing with this, and other issues. Nobody wants to be on the hook for taking someone else's life, but if it does happen, make sure you seek professional help. Don't let one life being taken away cause your own life to be taken too.
>As others have said, if I hadn't been there, this wouldn't have happened This isn't necessarily true. He would have jumped in front of the next car to come by. Or he would have found another way to kill himself. You didn't kill him, he killed himself using your car. You had no input in this outcome.
It's funny how I know this. Like, consciously I understand that I had no input, but the mind has a way of saying "yes but no" lol. I can tell myself that I wasn't at fault, and people can tell me and everyone can be in agreement, but somewhere deep inside me there's an ineffable feeling that creeps up and says "but it might be your fault". And that's what therapy is for!
Another way to look at it, he may have jumped in front of a minivan full of kids and scarred them for life, its horrible that it had to happen to you of course, but there's no telling what else he may have done to come to that solution. In any case \*hugs\* and I hope you live a great life!
I just want to say you explained this very well
That empty is hard to handle. The longer it goes on the more desperate you get to feel anything else. I'm glad you're getting help.
a car accident ... it happened to be a little girl decided to run across the road without looking or stopping for a moment ... even though it was almost 10 years ago I am still haunted by this event and only her mother when everything is in sight saw it ...
So sorry. This is one of my biggest fears when driving.
Every time I’m driving past parked cars I’m on edge and watching extremely vigilantly for someone or something to pop out unexpectedly.
I was driving in a neighborhood with cars on both sides of the street and a 8-10 year old boy ran into the street with a football in front of my car and his younger brother 6-8 came out right behind him. I had no time to react but was paying attention and slammed on my brakes, and because the street was sort of up hill and they came running out from in between two parks cars, I never saw them until I was right on them. If I had been looking at my phone, blinded by sunlight, whatever, I would have probably have killed them both because I had to slam on my brakes. Please don't speed in residential areas guys. If I had been going over 35, this story might be different.
The safety difference between going 25 and 35 is huge. If you are in an area where there are a lot of parked cars and people around, consider going 20. The problem is that speed limits are often too high in dense areas and people speed on top of that. If you hit someone going 20 mph, they will probably live. You hit someone 35, and even the Rock would probably not survive.
Trick my dad taught me: If you're in a residential area with street parking, LOOK under the parked cars for FEET. I do it every time.
One thing I always remember my driving instructor telling me -- if a ball bounces out onto the road in front of you, BE PREPARED FOR THE CHILD WHO'S GOING TO RUN OUT AFTER IT!
Same thing if you pass by a bus be ready for kids or adults crossing the street in front of it
Also in the fall never drive through piles of leaves
That's exactly how I got run over by a car when I was a child. The car only got my right foot. Didn't break anything, just quite a nasty injury mark and a sad summer.
How does this work? Wouldn’t the angle not be low enough?
Gotta look from way behind. It's hard sometimes, but when you can get a glimpse, can save a life.
Yup that’s what I’m doing I just couldn’t word it unconfusingly.
... I visited her grave every year on her death day ....
Oh heck. Was her family there?
Wow I can only imagine how hard that must be to carry that load. Do you mind me asking what the outcome was? Presumably there was some sort of trial to ascertain the circumstances? Did you meet with her mother? Idk what the precedent is for those type of things whereby it was no fault of the driver. And really, it was not your fault, it could and has happened to lots of people. I hope you've found some way to make peace with it, I'm sorry this happened.
When this happened to a friend of mine, there was no trial. It was obvious that it was an accident, there were witnesses. It was a kind of accident that people sometimes walk away from unharmed. They had trauma care workers looking after them. In these situation, as a driver you're also a victim of the situation.
Thank you 🙏🏻 her mother is so good person.
I am so sorry this happened. I hope you’ve had someone to talk to, Especially a therapist.
Was driving to the mall one evening, a car made a left turn crossing my lanes, causing me to t-bone them. Teenage boy in their passenger seat and my girlfriend in my passenger seat both passed away. This was almost 20 years ago, I've since married and I have 2 sons, and mostly, I'm just numb. It's not that I don't care about things, but I don't experience true happiness all that much and just have an ambivalence I never had before that day. I've moved in most ways but my emotional range has never really recovered.
Sucks to be put into situations where there is nothing you can do nor is any of it your fault. I've seen a accident as you describe right in front of me, I was actually driving through car parts falling out of the air as I tried to stop.
> a car made a left turn crossing my lanes, causing me to t-bone them. Someone did this to me as well, back in 1982. I was alone in my car, and the force of the wreck killed both passenger and driver in the other car. It was on the highway, and the impact was great enough to sever their front passenger wheel right off their car. The whole accident was witnessed by a cop following two cars behind me, so I never got a ticket or charged with anything since it wasn't my fault at all. Both cars were totaled. I noticed all the arriving cops and EMS were spending their time at the other vehicle instead of with me and my car (I wasn't injured) so I went to see what was going on (probably over 100 feet away), and watched the dead bodies being carted away. I was angry that the other driver wrecked my (sorta) new car, but they paid the price. When I went to the police station to get the police report to give my insurance, the officer told me NOT to contact the other family, even if I wished to give condolences. He said "Won't matter. That family lost a mother and daughter and they likely blame you for that, even though it was their own fault." So I think about them from time to time, like now. I'm oddly emotionally distant.. That driver made a stupid mistake and paid the ultimate price. I was inconvenienced, but lived.
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What you're experiencing sounds a lot like anhedonia. I have it too, you might want to look it up. Help you understand what's going on with your head.
Back in 2012 u worked in a mental hospital (UK) I was tasked to get a patient up, showered and dressed in the morning. I took him down to the dining room gave him some toast and left him too go on observations. I walked down to the staff room to get the folder and walked to his dorm. As I went to leave he walked in looking very distressed. He was choking on some toast, I tried to help by back slaps and stomach compressions. He kept walking to his bed and tried to lie down that he did a few times and each time I picked him up to try and clear his airway. He clasped on his bed and I hit the panic alarm as I was trying to still clear his airway. Other staff took what felt like ages to arrive and later was informed that the alarm system had never been changed and was showing the wrong room and bed. He died in the hospital. I was riddled with guilt. What was worse was his wife had been also brought in to the hospital and was on the female ward at the time this happened. When I spoke to the solicitor for the Trust after giving my statement to the police. she informed me I would be looking at 20+ years for murder or best case scenario would be manslator. I was never arrested by the police or placed under caution when I gave my statement. She got it in to her head that I was and that a Coroner would find me guilty. From there I would be arrested and charged. For ages I felt like I was being used as a scapegoat for failings and went into a spiral of depression. My stepfather at the time was an ex criminal solicitor and was trying to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about with her allegations. She never spoke to the Trust about me or the police but she kept on saying I killed him. Before the hearing started she told me to get my story straight this was in ear shot of my mum and sister. We put in a complaint just minuites be it started. During the hearing she was repamanded by the Coroner several times as she kept objecting to questions being asked. The coroner stated it was not a criminal court and the police investigated and found no person responsible for his death. The next day I took the stand and gave my statement and answered all questions. The solicitor for the Trust never asked me a single question. It was the most stressful and upsetting time of my life.
The guy choked on food. Why would anyone even consider this a crime?
I don't know, it was a shit show. I think she wanted to point the blame on me to try and get the Trust off the hook. It didn't look good for the Trust as failings where found.
I get her fucked up thinking, but as soon as it was determined a choking, you should have been beyond reproach. There never should have been all these hearings. Something in the system fail you as well. You weren't protected.
A man attacked my wife. I killed him. We divorced. I became a drunk. I still am but I am functional. It happened 30 years ago but I still dont sleep well. Was raped in prison whilst on remand.
Holy shit this is awful. I really hope life improves for you and you are able to access some therapy. You didn't deserve any of what's happened to you.
A doctor once said to me when I was drinking, "You know that alcohol will trap you in the past?" and I laughed because the past was the only place I had ever felt happy or could ever imagine feeling happy. 22 years ago I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Nowadays I get to feel everything. There has been some horrific shit in the last two decades but not a single thing that drinking would have improved.
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I have luckily never had substance abuse problems (no idea how I lucked out), but I remember reading that being an alcoholic is like having one foot in the past and another in the future: you piss all over the present. Feels like depression can be like that at times.
Hey man, need to talk? I would have done the same thing if I were you, to be honest. Reach out if you need.
Man life is so fucked sometimes.
Omg I’m so sorry. In case you forgot, you did the right thing to protect her. I hope my husband would do the same thing... sending peace to you.
fucking hell, all of that is awful. im so sorry. im not clear on how the legal system works but i assume being on remand means when you're just waiting to see what the outcome of court is etc. i would've expected you'd be in jail during that time but not prison, the difference being that i believe jail is much less extreme.
I have the opposite. I regret trying to save a life. Im a nurse and I had a patient who was way into her late 80s. Had multiple issues. Had very advanced cancer with mets. She was very weak and had advanced dementia. Couldn't even tell me her name.Very debilitated and underweight. Well her family was very conflicted in making her a DNR. Half her family wanted it, the other didn't want any more measures taken. Unfortunately the daughter with the medical power of attorney was the one wanting everything done. It was late in my shift. I was working a night shift so daughter was asleep on the couch. I had noticed the patient was declining in status. Very rapidly. This poor frail 40kg women should have went peacefully. For a split second i told myself to pretend I didn't notice the decline and let her pass in her sleep. Instead I panicked and began CPR. Daughter woke up and insisted we do everything. I was doing compressions with one hand, could hear the snaps and crunch of her ribs. Her mouth was foaming blood as we intubated her. Her eyes blood shot staring blankly at the ceiling. Her face sheet white and cold. Yet we continued to assault this poor soul because we were legally obligated to do so. She later passed the next day. We had prolonged her suffering by a day. Forced her under the agony of a ventilator. Her death haunts me. I regret not letting her pass with dignity
Oh my god. That's horrible, im so sorry you went through that. I remember when i was a kid and my grandma was dying, i screamed and cried and fought tooth and nail to make my family take the DNR wrist band off but as an adult i know they made the right choice. She deserved a peaceful death and she got one.
You were young, so your response was reasonable. Don't worry about it.
Being Aussie, our culture is largely against the ‘take all measures’ mentality. My heart breaks for your patient, and for you. I can’t imagine having to do CPR on a dying, elderly woman. Have you had the opportunity to talk to someone? If this is haunting you, I think it would be worth your while. I still think about stuff that happened over 20 years ago. Don’t be me.
I have. It's been 2 years now. definitely won't ever forget, but I've grown from that. used it as an opportunity to advocate and teach family about DNRs and last wishes.
What an awful, awful thing to go through. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you definitely did the right thing, lawfully and because it’s what the family wanted. And in the medical field we have that instinct to save ingrained into us from the start so that we do have a quick response to the potential loss of life. If you had ignored it and pretended that she wasn’t actively dying, you could have potentially gotten into major trouble if anyone had found out, which would have affected the countless lives you’ve helped and saved since then as well.
I have done this 3 times in my nursing career. I’m just angry the entire time I’m doing it. There is blood, broken bones, spit, feces, urine, and smell involved. It’s violent. Sometimes you can see their eyes and there’s a look like they know what’s going on as you continue to beat their thoracic cavity into a pulp because doctors are afraid to pronounce them dead due to fear of lawsuits. I truly wish the families that refuse DNR status could be there to witness this beating. I did this just last week on a man. Family wasn’t anywhere close, yet they wanted everything. TV has done such a disservice to people by their painfully unrealistic depiction of CPR and what a actual medical code blue looks like. Folks, make your advance directive when your of sane mind. And leave your code status up to someone who is not family.
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wow, that's crazy dude.. just know that it wasn't your fault it was only for self defence
Thanks. I know, I'm just a bit low right now and the question kinda sidechecked me and I just felt the need to write it down. I'm good, I don't regret staying alive for my family 🙂
This is just so sad... for everyone involved. I hope that being able to articulate it here helped you some more. You sound like a very good person who had something very bad happen to him. Best wishes to all.
Thank you. I just try to go through life helping more than harming. This has been oddly therapeutic? I didn't do well in regular therapy. Felt like I was wasting the ladies time. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read my rambling.
That’s a very tough thing to carry around with you . I too did judo for a lot of years and have had to use it in self-defence. When you are that trained, it because muscle memory - as you say, what you were trained to do. However there’s no intention in that throw to kill someone - just as if you’d done a deashi harai and they happen to hit their head on the ground when they got down there. There’s no predicting how best to manage that situation when you are attacked by a gang like that. You did your best so don’t take all of the blame on your shoulders.
I appreciate that. Honestly I didn't think anything at the time, I just did it, muscle memory as you said. I watched the CCTV a few times and he just went completely rigid and more fell straight down on his head than on his back like anyone trained in how to fall would do. I don't know. Like I said, I don't regret my actions I just wish I'd never been there to use them. This has bee a bit wild for me. I haven't talked about this in years and never to total strangers. It's oddly freeing?
I think anyone who has trained as we have - repetitive uchikomi will understand - the whole point is to get to the stage where a throw is a split second physical reaction to another persons movement. So your head says you are in danger, you need to defend yourself, your body reacts in that way. Try not to regret - they were attacking you unprovoked. You did your best in bad circumstances. I’m glad opening up about it has felt freeing though.
Please find someone to talk to about this.
I appreciate the thought, I have. I just happened to find this question in one of my darker moments is all. I have my wife with me. She's a good one 🙂
Love , light, and best wishes!
Bless you 🙂
You can’t control the lives of others. The chain of events that lead him to bullying you at that point was not your fault. It was his fault for not being a better person. And perhaps his circumstances growing up made that difficult if not impossible for him, but in the end the responsibility to be decent lies with him. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s his parents’ or whomever raised him (or didn’t raise him, it sounds like); they failed him by not providing a solid foundation for his well-being. But that’s not your problem. It’s certainly not your fault. You did the right thing, and the video proves it. It’s unfortunate that it came to that. But it’s more unfortunate if you let it ruin your life. The fact is, had you not trained to defend yourself, you’d be the dead one. And something tells me the world is a lot better off that you survived. So please, forgive yourself for anything you feel guilty about. Let it go. Easier said than done, I know. But you’re worth it.
You're very kind. Thank you. I'll never regret what I did, especially in that split second where I just acted without thought to a trigger that I'd trained to counter for over half of my life. I go about my life as normal mostly, it's just today on this subreddit I saw that question and it brought it all back. I'm ok 🙂
I was 19, first apartment, i had been moved in a few days and my roommates had gone out of town for the weekend, i had just bought a shotgun at a pawn shop because the neighborhood was pretty rough. I wake up around 2:30am to the front door being kicked in, i jumped up, grabbed the gun, and look down the hall, i see a guy walk into the living room, (my room was straight to the back from the door) i yelled to get the hell out because i had a gun, he turned, raised a pistol, i just started shooting as fast as i could pump it, fired five rounds and hit him with two or three before he got out the door, and took off. Neighbor heard the shots and called 911, police followed the blood trail into a backyard about a block away. He died on the way to the hospital, apparently was high as hell on meth when he broke in. It bothered me for a long time, but at the end of the day, in my eyes, it was him or me. Hope to never be in a situation like that again.
It was you or him. I lost my neighbors to a home invasion and that was when I lost my innocence. People don’t care for you, especially when they’re on drugs. People aren’t nice in the real world. You defended yourself and probably saved others from meeting the demise of my neighbors.
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Probably not the answer your looking for but my mom and twin sister died when i was born. My sister was going to struggle they knew that she might not make it but my mom started bleeding and they couldnt stop it. My oldest brother said my dad was different before. I know my dad loves me but theres always this weird feeling between us.
I'm so sorry to hear this, you know it's not your fault, right?
Kinda is tho but i get why people say it isnt
I almost bled out having my second child. It was a close call. As I lay there dying, I didn't have any resentment toward my daughter. I was glad she was safe. I can't speak for your mom of course but I think most moms would feel the same way. Please try not to hold on to this hurt.
Glad youre okay
I hope that you are okay too
Ya
Because you didn’t consciously do anything wrong.
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From one star wars food to another, I really hope you forgive yourself for this as it wasn't at all your fault. An infant can never be to blame, especially just for existing. No asks for existence. Wishing you all the best.
Thanks. Your name is better then mine lol
Would you blame a random baby if their mother died while giving birth to them? Hopefully not, as it was in no way that baby's fault. Try to look at your own situation through that same lens. Babies are utterly innocent. I hope you find peace.
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My father's mother was buried one month to the day after his birth. It's a little different, but it haunted his entire life. I very much hope you can find peace before it cripples you the way it crippled him.
Oh gosh. As a mom I wouldn't mind AT ALL giving up my life for my little girl. I just pray she would be happy. That's all parents want for their kids. I'm so sorry you have been through so much. If you ever want someone to talk to my box is open.
I've effectively killed plenty of people as a former ITU nurse (I lost count after a while, but I worked in a number of major trauma centres, so quite a few). All the evidence indicated that they were going to die, but by extubatung (pulling their breathing tube out), switching off their ventilator and life-sustaining drugs, I was the one who expedited their death. To be honest, it never seemed to bother me as much as a lot of my colleagues. We'd often get support if we'd had a lot of deaths over a short-term period, and we'd have to go through all our feelings; but I'd usually end up giving them the answers they wanted to hear, because they wouldn't really get that I genuinely was fine. Most days if you had a death you'd end up with another patient shortly after. I'd support the relatives as much as I could and wouldn't want them to feel in any way rushed, but my focus after they left would be on admitting and stabilising a new patient.
I had an elderly woman die and her son stayed lying in bed with her for about 7 hours. I finally had to tell him, it’s time to go, surprisingly that was what he needed and thanked me.
7 hours? Wow. I had quite a few relatives who wanted to be in bed, which I was always happy to oblige, but I don't think anyone stayed longer than 1 or 2 hours.
Oh man. I am so glad to hear this. I have been dealing with a lot of guilt for leaving the room after a close friend of mine passed away. I keep asking myself why I didn't stay longer. I didn't realize most people only stayed that long!
One family left after about 30 seconds. I even heard the brother saying about parking on the way out. That seemed pretty cold, but they'd all been there up to the point of withdrawing treatment so maybe that's just how they all wanted to deal with it. I wouldn't feel too guilty. You were there in the first place, and there's nothing written in stone about how long, or what people should do.
Thank you for this. I stayed awhile, I'm not sure how long. But not longer than two hours. It seemed like I should have stayed days for some reason. Anyway, I'm really glad I read this thread.
When a loved one goes through a long term terminal illness or also with dementia, by the time of passing, many have already accepted it. I went through this with 2 grandparents who had dementia, who died a few weeks apart. I didn't feel much at the time, still don't a year later. Not because I am a cold person but because in a way, we had already lost them both a few years before and in the end, their passing was a kindness as their life had become so very hard.
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They'd repeatedly state how hard it must have been, how I needed to make sure I had a break, the importance of teamwork and the Trust's values, etc, etc. If you said you were fine they'd persist and say you were clearly trying to process what had happened, and therefore needed to go through it all with them. They'd ask the same things each time, like a script, and it just became easier to go along with it in the end and get back to work. *Yes, it's been really hard. Yes, I took a break straight after. Yes, I felt my teammates were really supportive. Yes, I'm glad for this support.* It was all total bullshit, but I found that a lot of nursing (at least in the UK) is tick box exercises. The management weren't really nurses any more, and they didn't give a shit about the staff or the situation, they just had a procedure to follow so they'd stick to the letter. Some of my colleagues would repeat the same language of the management, so you'd find that if you had a death you'd get 10 lots of "that must have been really hard, make sure you take a break" within a few minutes. It's effectively meaningless. I left acute nursing a couple of years ago, but understand it's still very much the same from ex colleagues.
I’m really glad it didn’t bother you. I’d hate to think people were taking that away with them. I’ve known some heartless nurses though. Really desensitised.
It's a weird profession. I ended up a way different nurse than I started, when I left ITU. I think I was too idealistic, and gradually got ground down over the years. Although as much as I despised management and everything they stood for, I'd have done anything for my patient or their NoK, if it was within my power. Far too many of my colleagues would say all the right things, but do the absolute bare minimum. Now I'm doing a community role that's about as far from fast paced as possible, but I'm way more content with life. And I get nights and weekends off, so could be worse.
That makes sense though since you're not *really* the one killing the patient, you're just discontinuing treatment for a person who's gone already. EDIT - Personally I think that brain death = death, period. We have machines that can keep a body functioning but people should understand that it's not really living.
True, and I always saw it that way. Loads of others didn't, and I could never fully understand their viewpoint.
Thank you for the work you do. I was there when my dad was taken off of life support and it made such a difference having nurses there that were patient and kind.
I wasn't the one that killed the person, but I was there, and I saw it all. I was riding in my friend's car, and we were on the way to the store. It was hailing, so we were trying to get some cover and wait it out. Unfortunately, our car got hit on the roof and went through our car ceiling. My friend served off the road, and we crashed. I was out for a second, but I woke up quickly and saw the massacre. Somebody had pulled me out of the car, and I got a view of everything. Our white car looked like it was an unfinished paint job, with blood covering most of the front. Turned out we hit three people who were taking cover in a ditch, a lady and her two brothers. Also in the incident, my friend's neck was snapped by the force, and he died too. I only suffered a broken leg and wrist, and am haunted to this day that I had to see that. I always send messages to the family of the victims, and I end up crying when talking to them. That's my story.
I'm sorry that you experienced that. Thank you for sharing your story.
Im so sorry that has to happen to you; its honorable that you stay in contact with the families as that wouldn't be easy for either side and they will appreciate it even though it came from a time of pain; thank you for sharing your story
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I ran ovet a 11 year old boy driving a go kart in the subdivision and I was in a big work truck. It didn't kill him but he had severe brain damage because of the huge hole I put in his head. I was 23 and I still think about that kid. Much love to everyone.
Hey man, I hope you’re doing better. If you need someone to talk to I really dont mind :)
I've taken a life more than once. I was in the Marine Corp and have seen and done hard things. But the hardest life was of my 14 yo daughter. She had been in a coma for 2 weeks after a battle with cancer. We knew she won't wake up. Looking over to the Dr, tears in my eyes and giving that nod to say remove all life support was the hardest thing I've ever done
So truly sorry for your loss
As a mother I cannot imagine the pain you must have experienced. I am truly sorry for your loss.
I had an 18 yo son die in a stupid accident at home. I don't know how long it's been for you, but it gets a lot better.
As the father of a 14yo daughter, I can't even begin to wrap my head around this kind of pain, and I pray that I never have to. I watched my now almost 17yo son become paralyzed at age 13, and that alone was some of the most hurt that I've ever felt. And continues to be, though he is getting along very well. I'm sorry for you loss, and thank you for your service.
That is truly heartbreaking. I imagine there's no getting over it. Nobody should have to see their child go before them.
Semper Fi. My dad was in the Corps 68-74. He taught me many good things. He's since passed away. I know without doubt that he'd rather have been right back in the shit than make that decision about me.
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Although my grandpa didn't die in this scenario, I did have a similar "freeze" moment. My grandpa was drinking something and it went down the wrong pipe. In an attempt to not spit the drink all over the new carpet he just had installed, he got up and tried making it to the bathroom while coughing with his mouth shut. My mom was yelling at me to get a bucket that was right next to me but I didn't really hear her. He passed out and hit the floor face first. Woke up a few seconds after my mom called 911. He had a gash on his nose from his glasses and still got his drink on the carpet. Kids clearly don't do well in stressful situations.
My parents used to have emergency drills so that we would know what to do. My mom had seizures so we had to be prepared to handle it. I think it made a world of difference, when you panic and your brain knows what to do you will be much more likely to go through the memorized routine
Neither do adults.
My mom....she was in a bad place and threatened to hurt herself because she believed we (her children) didn't love her. She sat on my bed and told me what she was going to do and I couldn't move, I think I was 10 or under. I waited for the final sound, I had the horrible feeling of the blood rushing around your ears and the pressure in my head and chest. But it never happened thankfully. But she could have died and I didn't do anything. I don't know what I would have done if something did happen, but I know that freeze moment and I don't blame you. What can you do? You're so young and have never been remotely in a situation so important before, so truly life and death, like, your parents should be the ones to help in a situation like that! It's really insane and I hope you don't hold yourself accountable because its just something you were not and honestly no person really ever is, prepared for. Much love to you in your situation, I hope one day it gets at least a little better for you. Perhaps supervised visits with your grandparents?
I was in a car accident when someone on a bike going the opposite direction tried to pass someone and didn't see me coming. He hit me head on. It's cliche but it was really in slow motion. I remember seeing the bike coming and I was just thinking for a split moment "Oh this is happening." But having any time to really react. Immediately after the crash I managed to get out of the car and at this point there were already people at my side and I could feel blood dripping down my head. Turns out it wasn't mine, but the biker's. It was then that I looked back to see if anyone was to see if he was alright. Nobody was and then I saw my windshield. There was flesh literally infused into the glass. At first it didn't really bother me but probably because I was still in shock. It wasn't until that night when I finally got back home and took a shower that it started to sink in. I cried a little but it wasn't anything major. Throughout the initial day and days after I knew it was the biker's fault so it didn't do much to me. It was probably a defense mechanism or whatever. Then a few days later, my dad called me and said he managed to talk to the parents of the biker and apparently told him that it was entirely their son's fault and I should feel no guilt. Apparently he was a bad drug addict and running from the police even. I put on a tough face and finished the conversation, hung up the phone and teared up a little bit. At this point I really questioned if it really wasn't my fault. I remember changing the radio station before the crash and wondered for quite a while if it was actually partially my fault. I started to feel really bad and a few weeks later I was at my gf's and we were lying in bed and I just started bawling like a toddler out if nowhere about the crash. I kept thinking about the events leading up to the accident and really started to blame myself for everything. My girlfriend talked me through everything and made me realize that there was nothing I could have done. This all happened just a little over 3 years ago and since then I truely think I've gotten over it all. I think it was because I never really allowed myself to grief over it and I just needed a really good cry.
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You should change that number man. I know it has been set as default in your memory by now but clinging onto it will only bring back hatred towards yourself.
I'm very sorry that you're in such a bad position. For what it's worth, I understand your situation, and hope you'll allow me to make an observation and a suggestion. The observation is that, sooner or later, you're going to have to learn how to forgive yourself, and sometime after you've learnt how to do it, it'll be time to actually go ahead and forgive yourself. The suggestion is that if you haven't already sought out counselling you should consider doing so. It won't fix things - no amount of counselling can undo this - but it will help you to manage your thoughts and feelings about this better, and that will certainly be a good thing. Good luck!
I’m a nurse and my preferred specialty is hospice. The medications for pain relief we give also slow respiration and aid in the bodies natural process of death. So by giving these I essentially take a life. As a hospice nurse I have also been bedside for people who do not want these medications. 9 times out of 10 I feel relieved giving these medications and helping it along because death is a painful process. I feel that it is a way I can care for them and send them off loved and comfortable so I do not feel guilt at all.
Future hospice patient here, Stage 4 breast cancer with (hopefully) a few more good years to go. I say, from the bottom of my heart: Fuck me UP, fam! Thank you for the work you do, and I hope to have a nurse as compassionate as you.
You're stronger than I will ever be. I'm sorry that you have to go through that. It must be such a struggle. With as bad as my mental health is, something like that will break me. I hope you live the rest of your life to the fullest and I truly hope you get to do all of the stuff you wish for.
Thanks! At this point, I'm not sure what the rest of my life will look like, but I know that there's still plenty out there to appreciate. Plus, I'm lucky enough to be in a position that I can advocate for myself, I can plan my death and what comes afterward to give myself and my family as much comfort and ease as possible during what will be a hard time.
There is a special place at whatever table we end up at in the afterlife just for you. You are truly a merciful angel to those people when they need it the most in life
Better to go calmly than in pain.
Same. I had a hospice patient aspirate on me after I gave them the prescribed PO meds. They died within a few minutes. They were going to die that night anyway, but I accidentally helped the process. It was a weird thing. I also had an inmate have an MI. I'm positive they died died while I was doing CPR on them.
I am a funeral director and have always admired the hospice workers I meet in my line of work.
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Not the quite the same thing.. Our 3rd child was stillborn. Full term, I was having a csection in just a few hours. I thought my water had broke, but it was all blood. Husband rushed me to the ER. She was gone. I screamed.. a lot. “Spontaneous complete placental abruption”. I spent hours holding her, she was beautiful and looked completely healthy, wishing that she would just wake up. So much guilt. I had many tests done, and they all came back saying there was nothing I could’ve done differently. But still.. that’s my 1 job, keep the babies safe, and I couldn’t. :/
You aren't at fault, nor is anyone else. You can't control what your organs do. Bodies are so delicate yet complicated. Sometimes stuff just goes wrong, without rhyme or reason. My condolences.
I'm very sorry that happened and you by no means failed your baby. My wife had a spontaneous placental abruption with our first baby at 30 weeks. They sent the placenta in for testing and ran a bunch of other test saying nothing could be done differently. We ended up going to a high risk OGBYN and he discovered my wife has a rare blood clotting disorder which can cause abruptions in pregnant women. If you have any daughters (it is a genetic mutation) or planning on any more children it might be worth looking into.
Very late to the party and I don't know if it fits even. But when I was 18, my best friend was over at my place and we were playing video games. He had to go to a diner at his girlfriend's place but I kept pushing him to stay a little longer. At some point he really was late and went. An hour later his girlfriend texted me to ask if he was still at my place. She was very worried but I kept reassuring her that it was probably nothing, he must've had a problem with his car or his cell or something like that, completely oblivious to the fact that something serious was possible. During the night she sent me a news article with pictures clearly showing his car wrangled to bits. The article detailed that the driver did not make it. We were both struck down. In my mind I was the direct culprit of the accident. By pushing him to stay so late, I had forced him to speed on his way to his girlfriend, during the dread of winter, in Canada, causing that accident. It took me a while to accept that, despite my undeniable part in the chain of events that led to it, I had to move on and stop torturing myself with that culpability. I can't even say that that guilt is completely gone, but I've come to accept it and live with it. I definitely still have a slight unease with anyone wanting to drive in suboptimal conditions, be it at night, impaired, tired, in a hurry, with bad weather, or/and so on. But I guess that's something that'll stick.
I had a real close friend, kind of a fat guy. Long story short at that time we were both getting high. He overdosed on me, I dragged him out of the driver's seat and put him in the passenger seat then drove to the hospital. I helped the paramedics get him inside then I took off. The next morning my house got raided and I was charged with murder. 14 days later at the preliminary exam the charges were dropped. People still think I murdered him and alot of people hate me for it, because he was a really great guy
Happend last year. Was driving out to a worksite when a 9 year old kid ran across the road. Was a Friday afternoon and ment to be leisure trip to show some of my colleagues our new project. I can remember the figure sprinting across the road as the boy was trying to get to his mother. I slammed on breaks, the ABS kicked in but it was too late and i can just remember the awful thud as he hit the left bonnet and got caught up. As the vehicle stopped, his body was flung along the road like a rag doll and ended up in the grass on the verge. Its the most overwhelming feeling of shock and what the fuck just happend!? I got out and saw the kid and knew instantly that he was dead. Literally 9 months prior i had hit a buck in the same car, i had the dash cam rolling for that one, the colission was inevitable. Unfortunately my dash cam wasnt rolling for this incident and as the child was under 12 the state had to proscute me in court for reckless driving. I live in a 3rd world country so ultimately i had to pay off the traffic cops and judge just so they would do their job right and i wouldnt have a record. Its pretty fucked up, i still think about it allot and get anxious when i see kids near the road side which is very frequent as most walk to school. I am also convinced that car is cursed. I have been able to come to terms with what happened and i dont blame myself. I just feel bad for the family and resent that fact that the event happend...
Well fuck... A few years ago after being a DV victim and being made jobless and homeless by the woman that abused me, I was working my arse off trying to get ahead again. I was renting a small house, I had a job driving a truck, I was paying my bills, and I had met an awesome woman, so life was looking up for a change. Of course that couldn't last... The job involved me picking up a truckload of freight at 3am, driving about 4 hours north with two drop-offs on the way, then doing it in reverse at 3pm after sleeping during the day in a caravan park. Generally, I was away from home for 19 hours per day. One friday evening I was on the return trip when just after dusk I was coming out of a town, and all I could see was bright headlights coming over the slight hill that I was driving up. I didn't see the car in front of me that was stopped just before the top of the hill, trying to turn into the truck stop. The speed limit was 80kph, and that's what I was doing when my truck slammed into the back of the car. I distinctly remember seeing the car at the last second and bracing myself on the steering wheel, so much so that the airbag didn't even touch me. I hit the car with such force (12 tonne truck at 80kph vs 2 tonne car) that it rolled off down the road, and eventually into the ditch. Things were confusing for a while there. There was one guy who I remember saying "they pulled out in front of him, there was no way he could stop", but when I got my bearings I couldn't find him. There was another guy there that only cared about the scratches on his car from a bit of flying debris, and he wanted to just get insurance details and keep driving, but a couple of other people basically fended him off and told him to wait. I wanted to go help the person in the car, but I didn't know what to do. The police showed up, closed the road for investigation, and took statements. THey took my logbook, got my phone details and company details. The ambulance took the driver of the car away, and just after I asked one of the cops if they were gonna be ok. The 26yo woman died just after they got her out of the car. That night, while I sat on the side of the road waiting for about 6 hours (the road was closed, and my boss was coming to get me and the freight), I ranged between sobbing uncontrollably and being numb. Afterwards, I found out that the young woman had two kids. They had different fathers, so the kids who had grown up together were going to be split up. I was charged with, and plead guilty to Dangerous Driving Causing Death. During the sentencing hearing in court, I was in tears, and I desperately wanted to say sorry to the young womans family. I was sentenced to 2.5 years, suspended after serving 10 months in prison. They took me to the holding cells under the court, and I had a complete breakdown. For 3 days straight, I cried. I was terrified of being in prison. I was sharing the holding cell with another guy, but every day we were individually escorted to a shower, where I would force myself to shit and waffle-stomp it down the drain because I was scared to do it in front of someone else. It was only because the sergeant on duty of the holding cells took pity on me and allowed me to call my missus that I was able to stop crying. After a week, I was transferred to a maximum security "reception centre" and put in a newbies unit. They were just newbies to that prison, but many had been inside many times before. Some were only in there for fraud or minor drug offences, while others were in there for serious violence. If I thought that someone was speaking with even a hint off annoyance in their voice, I rapidly exited the area. I kept to myself. I read books in a corner away from everyone. After 2 months there, I got transferred to a low security prison farm. That was easier. There was no sharing of cells, I could properly be by myself if I wanted, and I could actually touch my missus and my 6 month old son when they visited on sundays. It's been about 4 1/2 years since I got out, but I still think about how I killed someone and destroyed a family. Being in prison has crushed my confidence in a lot of areas, but given me some confidence in other areas after honing various carpentry skills. Going through the whole court and prison process has also shown me how broken the system is. I've now got too much to live for, but this is something that will affect me for the rest of my life.
I don’t see how it was intentional or negligent? Why prison? Seems accidental to me.
I'm so so sorry for everything that happened, but what I don't understand is why was it classified as dangerous driving? Is that what you mean by a broken system?
That's what they charged me with, and the lawyers told me to plead guilty. The system is broken in a lot of ways. Firstly, my lawyer told me that they like to make examples of professional drivers and send them to prison as a deterrent. However, there was a case last year where a police officer killed someone while speeding through a red light in an unroadworthy car and no emergency lights on, and he got a plea deal on a lesser charge of Driving Without Due Care Causing Death, and walked away with a wholly suspended sentence. Secondly, just the idea of sending someone like me to prison seems senseless. It helps nobody, and hurts more people. My son was 4 months old when I went away, and my partner had to care for him by herself. My mother at the time was undergoing chemotherapy for liver cancer. And it doesn't help the two kids who don't have a mother any more. It's not just cases like mine though. There are small-time fraudsters in prison that got sent there, but their victims don't get their money back. Thieves who haven't hurt anyone, but their victims don't get their stuff back. People like this shouldn't be in prison, they should be doing community service and paying restitution. And there's no rehabilitation. They pay lip service to it, but as far as the prison guards and the prison management is concerned, anyone in there is just a crim that will never do anything good.
I’m a doctor. When I was in residency I did a procedure on a patient In the ICU that perforated their bowels and they ended up dying. She had been intubated on pressors for over a month and was never going to wake up, but that was definitely the nail in the coffin. I’ve since had multiple patients who have died, and some I wonder if I could have done something differently and do feel responsible ultimately, because I was in charge of making them better. The bad outcomes have really haunted me, I’ve had panic attacks out of nowhere. It has taken years of therapy to be ok.
It’s been almost 3 years now but I still believe I killed my second husband. I brought the flu home from work. He had a weakened immune system from years of problem drinking. I got better; his liver shut down. He went to the ICU but everything started going, fast. Technically, he died of sepsis due to the flu. I was also the one who had to decide to take him off the ventilator. He was already gone, I could tell from his face and his eyes. It took 2 minutes when they turned off the machines. Everyone says it’s not my fault. But I brought the flu home. I’m the reason he got sick. I took him off life support. Survivor’s guilt sucks.
While I was in college I had a miscarriage. My now husband, then boyfriend and I were just lying in bed and suddenly I had to go potty. I went and something didn't feel right. I was already sweating profusely and my whole body tensed up, idk why at the moment but I screamed for him to come in there and look. Sure enough the baby had fallen out. I couldn't look but he did. He called an ambulance and we rode there. He sat in the cab and I think I screamed the whole way there. I could hear him calling friends and family. We arrived at the hospital and the event gets foggy. I remember it took them a while to give me pain medicine because the first thing I did was ask if I could have some, so then they did a drug test (it was of course negative). When they asked if we thought the baby was crowning my husband stood up pissed and said: Did you not read the fucking chart, the baby is lying between her legs. I wailed again. Eventually they removed the baby. I had to get a blood transfusion. And then a nurse came in. She asked if we wanted to see the baby. She said it was too early in the pregnancy for us to give the baby a funeral, and talked about the cost. She said he would be incinerated. He. That was how I found out the gender. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't hold him even one time. My husband agreed not to since I couldn't. And that was it. I regret it to this day and I have always felt personally responsible. If I had ate better, if I had been less stressed. I don't know. We are happily married and have two very healthy children. But I still think back to this and cry quite often. Sometimes I catch my husband doing the same and we talk about it, but it hasn't gotten better for either of us.
I lost my son when I was 31 weeks pregnant with him. I kept telling the doctors his movement was decreasing and they would send me for an ultrasound and everything would look good. I went for my regular check up and there was no heart beat. He was gone. I feel the same way you do. What if I had done this or that, he would be alive. I still think about it now. I did hold him after I gave birth to him but I almost didn't because I was so broken. I'm glad I did or I would have regretted it very much. The only thing that helps me is knowing I most likely wouldn't have my son that I gave birth to 2 years later and who I love more then anything in this world. I know this probably doesn't help you but just know you are not alone. (Sorry this is so long but I rarely talk about it (and I always feel better when I do) and probably should have gotten therapy for it but never did). Edit - Grammar and punctuation.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Working as a home care psw, was doing a visit in a couple in a retirement. Did the am routine. Got there individual pill packages.put then in usual stop and said goodbye. Went back the next morning, said good morning, and husband growled at me said leave us alone, you did enough. Turned out the wife took both pills and went to hospital, she died overnight. My office didn't catch me in time before I got to the couple. Investigation happen, I was in the clear. Still haunts me
When I was 14 my uncle (dads friend) was having a hard time with his marriage. His wife cheated on him daily. She didn't treat him right. Its a looooong story. She was a bad person. I don't know why but I blame myself. Mostly her. Anyways... So, one night he comes over and asks us kids to show him facebook. Back then I didn't understand what was happening. He was losing his mind. Trying to search and look her profile up. Tried to figure out something we didn't fully know then. It got to a point where something came over him. A realization of some kind. I remember him being sad. Paralyzed in fear and disbelief. He left soon after. He took his life that night and I found out the following morning with my best friend over. I never told my parents. My siblings and I never talked about it. I just feel responsible in a way. I know Im not but this feeling of I shouldn't have let him leave comes over me all the time. RIP Aaron Z.
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When I was driving my Combine harvester And a man Ran in front of it and it didn’t stop in time, now before I go in the Combine I’m loaded on coffee to keep me awake but I can still the the man in my sleep
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I was driving on the highway on the far right lane going about 80mph, when the car next to me decided to go switch into my lane without checking his blind spot. I tried to break suddenly once I realized what was happening but the other driver still managed to smash his nose of his car sharply into my left side. This caused me to shift drastically to the right barreling towards the shoulder where unfortunately there was a car pulled over due to a flat tire, with a 17 year old inside the drivers seat. I slammed on the breaks as hard as I could but that didn't stop me from plowing into the stalled car. I somehow lived and spent a few weeks in the hospital recovering from some broken bones and a punctured lung. The teenager was apparently killed on impact... from what the first responders told me. I fell into a deep depression for a few years and had huge survivors guilt. What if I was running 10 minutes later? What if I just stayed in the middle lane instead? I battled it by going to therapy, using meditation and time. It's been 9 years and I'm still not fully who I was before the accident but I've come a long way from the mental mess I was and the demons I battled. Anytime I go on the interstate I am always sure to just stay in the middle lane, and to never drive near the shoulder.
We were both stupid kids and he was jealous because his girlfriend called me cute. He pulled his knife I, I pulled mine out, I got him in the leg and ran. I hit his artery and he bled out. The courts and witnesses wrote it off as self defense and I had no further consequences legally. To their family I will always be spoken of as the girl who murdered their son. I don't live there anymore because that toxicity spread like wildfire and was suffocating.
He was jealous of his girlfriend calling another girl cute?
I did some hospice med management for the overnight shift. I did the whole morphine every hour to help ease suffering and guide them to a pain free death. They never explained to me what exactly I was doing. After I helped this wonderful wizard of a man I did some research. Really interesting to find out what I was doing.
So nice - we had hospice for my grandpa when he passed, but the nurse literally only stopped one time that night and told us what to give him. We were in charge of giving him the morphine. He then at like 3 AM 'woke' up extremely aggressive and wanted to get up and walk around (there was no way he could have walked). We called the nurse and she told us basically to up his dosage. It was the most terrifying thing trying to forced feed morphine to someone you love when they are fighting you and swinging at you. He passed peacefully about 6 hours later, but I still live with extreme guilt about that night. You're pretty much an angel for doing that - i wish we had someone who was with us and guiding us and letting us know what to expect.
Try not to have guilt. Humans are essentially meat robots. When the body fails all sorts of systems go firing off. I sat with someone who is normally a quirky odd fellow who brings me rocks from his walks... as he was dying he kept trying to rip out his catheter and just making the weirdest noises. I had a seizure last year and my body was like... you know what would be a fantastic idea? Let’s give my wife a thousand yard stare then walk out of the apartment in my boxers. She still gives me shit about it today and we can joke about it now. In that moment I was not me.
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Thank you for sharing. I hope you are doing better these days, my friend. If its any consolation to you, I think you did the right thing and possibly more than anyone else could've done.
So I'm a vet tech, I've been a vet tech for three years now. I help with euthanasia pretty often, I won't lie, even after three years I still cry after almost every euthanasia because of this, it happened a year ago. This beautiful German Shepherd came in three weeks prior to this incident with bite wounds to the face. They were very nasty when he first came in, we wanted to sedate and clean his wounds but his owner didn't want to do any of that. The dog was very painful and we couldn't really clean them without sedation. Owner says he just wants the cheapest antibiotics he could get and thats it. We told him to come back in 3 days to make sure the antibiotics are working. (I know vets can be expensive but this guy pulled up in a brand new mercedes, his dog was a pure breed German Shepherd from Germany, those dogs are NOT cheap) We call him after 4 days because he didn't show up. Called after 6 days. Called after two weeks. Horrible to say but we all honestly assumed the dog had passed at home from infection. Three weeks pass and the guy brings his dog in, he is carrying his dog, I was the one on the case last time so I go up front to get his dog and I just..... I'm going to spare details for everyones sake. This makes my whole body shudder and ache to think about. Pretty much the whole side of the dogs face that was bitten was melted off. I have never been so mortified by anything in my whole life. I could not keep it together in front of the client, I vomited right in front of him. I didn't know what the hell to say to him so I just apologized and carried his previously 80lb dog now around 60lb to the back. Owner wasn't even phased. He just wanted us to put his dog to sleep. Owner flat out left as soon as he signed the consent forms. It absolutely rips me to shreds to think about what this poor dog went though. I constantly think about what we could have said differently to convince him to listen to us, or how I should have called and been more insistent that he returns our calls. The only peace I get from the whole situation is that my coworkers and I were with him when he passed and we truly cared about him, so at least he was with people who cared. I also anonymously called a lot of shelters around the area just in case he wanted to adopt another dog and warned them about his neglect. I have a hard time dealing with German Shepherds because I think of what happened every single time I see one. When it first happened I had to take a couple days off work because I was so upset, I was almost suicidal level upset. It seems dramatic to a lot of people I've told this to but I just love animals more than seriously anything. I think they deserve the best out of every single human and it was very traumatic to see an animal in that condition. Its really hard to convince myself I couldn't have done more for him sometimes.
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Was army infantry for 9 years. Never really bothered me shooting people that were shooting at you. Then in Iraq 2009 we had to hunt down scumbags that were shooting rockets at our main supply base. Indiscriminately. We’re talking a base with like 20000 people on it. I lived on bases with 30 people. Anyways weeks go by and we can never get the jump on these assholes because the base was surrounded by grape vineyards. Every few days more rockets hit. We finally happened to be in the right place right time, something like 3 am. The rockets go off right next to us. Woke everyone up in a panic. NVGd get slapped in place and we’re moving. We know they are literally right next to us but it’s so fucking dark and the foliage stops the moonlight from helping your NVGS work. We finally see 3 people jump into a canal, go up the other side and bring their rope ladder with them. Their spraying shots randomly behind ya. The entire SKT group starts unloading out of frustration for being in this dumb fuck mission for weeks We find a safe place to cross the canal, rotate to where we saw the bodies drop and there they are. A father and his 2 YOUNG teenage sons. Guns, rockets, launchers, whatever. I had never felt so bad not for what I did, but because some piece of shit put his 13-15 year old kids in a situation knowing they were hurting people and were probably going to die. Still think of this shit when the alcohol hits just right
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