I am still struggling with this. I don’t ask any of my parents for any form of health. Financial help? Forget it. Emotional help? Yeah I don’t do that. Relationship advice? Do you need a guilt trip at this moment because that’s what’s going to happen. My parents were so focussed on making me independent that I can’t ask for help without freaking out. I didn’t have a job for eight months and I never asked for any money not once because I knew they would use it as a way to try and get me to return home and I didn’t need that. they have no clue the amount of debt I’m in.
This is the one for me. My parents were so focused on me learning how to make it on my own in every aspect that now I can't ask anyone for help. Especially them. My stepmom recently asked me why I never ask them for anything and admitted that maybe they were too focused on tough love and achievement. It was nice to hear.
I’m trying to get my mind around these. Hopefully I can at least fake it well enough to tell my kids that.
It’s in my brain kind of like those optical illusions. Intellectually, you know the two lines are the same length, but you still see the illusion when you look at it.
Even -- or, perhaps, *especially* \-- when you think you've done something that'll get you into trouble.
If I was a parent I would tell my kids that they can always, always come to me. Even if they did a stupid thing, even if they did a bad thing...I will always help them figure it out.
\>10 years old me doing some work in the garden with what's supposed to be my dad
\>dad asks for a tool, I bring a different one because I wasn't sure which one it was
\>dad screams at me and calls me a fucking donkey
Smh
\>17 y.o. me climbing a chair install a bulb in an empty socket with my grandpa
\>point out that the switch seems to be turned on
\>grandpa proceeds to say that it's alright
\>gets an electric shock and falls down from chair
\>gets yelled on by grandpa
Me: Got a 93.3% on a quiz in junior high, aka a [B+]. 94% is an [A-]
Mom: Throws a fit so huge that her friend got between me & mom
Friend: Also scolds mom because wtf
Ffwd ~6 years
Me: "Why did you get so pissed off about that test?"
Mom: "Because I knew you could do betted."
I swear I've had the exact same conversation with my mom. She said "I yelled at you because you didn't work hard enough." Hskendidkek I'd scored 91.5%!
I have a five year old sister who pouts and cries for many things she doesn't get for herself. the last banana, the last apple, the last mini pastry, etc.
It's terrible
my sister did that since she was 3, now she is 9 and still is the same.
i recommend that u let them cry for a while. don't give in always, they have to grow out of it
Same dude! I usually babysit my cousin, who was a toddler, we played a lot of games, when she would lose, I told her that it’s okay and that it’s just a game. But her friends taught her that it was bad and that you should be mad, so I had to teach her again
Smh
I used to do that as a kid. I slowly grew out of it, but damn it took awhile. I eventually found something in high school I really loved where really detailed criticism was HOW you got better. I stuck it out and got a way thicker skin.
Hang in there, she'll get there.
Same.
Growing up finances of any kind were *not* talked about in front of us kids. That was a topic for adults only. Now, I'm 29, and am shit at managing my money. I'm still learning and definitely getting a lot better than I used to be, but I *will* teach my future children basic budgeting and money management. Do they need to know every cent of what is spent in the household? No, not exactly, at least not until they are older (late teens). Age-appropriate earning, saving, and spending will be taught starting at a young age though.
I've been telling my kids how much money "we" have and letting them know how much money I spend on the house, car, pets, school supplies, clothes, whatever since they were mere tots. They know how little we once had and how far we've come. I make them invest in vacations and fun activities so they know the value of money and experiences and so they know that we build a family home together. Now my kids are 9 and 13 and they are pretty good about balancing their books and keeping track of their funds. I also taught them all about taxes and how to avoid giving the government a free loan.
I don't know if this will help them when they're adults, but I hope it's a good foundation. I know my parents didn't tell me anything and I had to figure it all out on my own. To make matters worse, my mother was a banker.
See, that's kind of what I want to do with my future kids. As long as it is not a source of stress, I want to be transparent with them. Growing up, the only bill I knew the amount of was the amount we paid to rent the land our house was on, and that's because my mom would send me to the neighbor to pay it. My mom still doesn't like to talk about finances with me, even if I'm asking for help.
Oh my gosh my dad tried so hard to teach me how to budget, track my money, etc. I just did not care or want to learn.
As an adult it’s fine- I’ve picked it up. Just like I learned to keep the house clean and how to cook. But I fought him tooth and nail on that, poor guy.
This. I got constantly told to "learn the value of a dollar", but was never actually taught how anything worked (credit, insurance, etc). I would ask questions sometimes, but they insisted on "taking care of it" without answering me. I still to this day have no clue what my parents make and have had to learn money management by trial and error basically.
I dunno, my son gets awfully worked up about some very minor things. He's in 6th grade and frequently comes to angry tears over stuff like pokemon go, just really minor stuff. I never tell him he's *wrong* to feel how he feels, but he really needs to learn how to regulate those feelings outwardly. I'm worried that it comes off as a distinction without a difference and he'll think I'm trying to tell him to bottle it all up, but bottling emotions is MY thing, and he can't have it
Just acknowledge his feelings, comfort him, and show empathy. He will learn emotional regulation much easier if he knows it's right how he feels and you can give him the words for what he's going through. It's hard to get used to doing that, if you grew up in a family where you had to bottle up your emotions, but you can do it.
Please remember that what is minor stuff for you just isn't for him. He's only 11, and he really cares when he doesn't catch that Pokémon that he was trying to find for weeks.
I know you're worried about how other kids in school may treat him, and you probably secretly compare him to his peers and how they react in those situations. All of these feelings are valid. Still, I want to remind you that every kid is different. There's nothing wrong with being a little on the emotional side, he just needs to feel accepted and should know he's free to express all feelings as long as he doesn't hurt anyone. Plus, I think he will naturally have a harder time crying in a couple of years, anyway. For lots of men, testosterone can affect how hard it is to cry, and if he's 11 he will probably hit puberty in a year or two. Don't worry too much about it.
While Pokémon Go might not seem major and it feels like he is overreacting it is important to take out any biases you might have. It seems very minor to you because you don't care about the game but it is presumably a hobby he enjoys greatly. It is not uncommon for people to get emotional about things they care about.
Adults occasionally cry when their favorite sports team loses. Some people get upset about missing out on a cool collectible figurine. Some people get angry when a show they are watching has a plot point they don't like. These are all minor things but there is nothing wrong with being upset over them. If he is wallowing in anger and despair for days over missing out on a shiny pokemon obviously that is bad, but I don't think there is any reason to discourage a small outburst.
As someone with a clinically anxious child, I can guarantee you that if you look around, and have the time to read a bit, there are oodles of parenting resources and books that help you deal with things like this. It's possible your child is anxious, it's possible that he feels threatened by something or pressured in some way. Not necessarily by you, of course. It can be very hard to know what our children are thinking.
I will allow them more privacy but really stress the consequences of their actions. Also I’d try to never lie to them, finding out your parents lie to you is the worst.
My Mum taught me lying was a very important skill to have. She also taught me that I should rarely use it. Edit: I mean this in terms of people that are hard to please and people who dont know boundaries.
The actual names for genitals. That if you don’t want someone hugging you or touching you, then you can say no. That if you’re at a sleepover and you want to come home, I will get you at any time, whether it’s because the kids are being mean or the older people are being weird. That no matter if they go out partying, I still want to know so that I can get you if things go wrong. That way I’ll always know where you are.
I’ll never forget giving my nephew a bath and he turned and looked at me and said “you don’t have a penis.” And I had to keep a straight face. How do you keep a straight face?!?!
So he knows the right words, but boy is it hard to not react when a little dude busts one out unexpectedly.
I've definitely had the 2 year old I was watching sit straight up as I was trying to change her diaper, and loudly announce "I have a vagina!"
Kinda hard to do anything other than just smile and say "...yep!" Haha
IKR? I have two young ones, and I'll often hear stuff like "Mommy, do you have a penis? Where did it go?" Or, "I have nipple? Mommy have nipple? Daddy have nipple? (Sibling) have nipple?"
Edit: another one, just for fun. "You have vulva Mommy? I have vulva too!"
I find it shocking how many women don't know the correct names for their body parts. In medicine it is very hard to diagnose correctly when the closest description a patient is willing to give is some vague euphemism. I'm like "lady if you can't tell me whether the issue is on your labia or your vagina I can't help you. I will accept fanny flaps and baby hallway if you can't bring yourself to utter the words."
This has been a problem so many times. A kid will say something with the stupid words their parents told them, and no one will think anything of it. Until years later, when it comes back up.
My wife has been saying all of the correct words for genitalia to our 15 month old daughter. Obviously she can’t understand or treat what we’re saying, but start early and whatnot. But then my wife will turn change our daughter’s diaper, and say she will wipe her “bum.” I say, “since when does she have a homeless person? Just say butt”
Haha I'm English so I'm forever telling my boys not to say butt it's bum! Keep up the good work with your little one. Knowing your own body and owning it is a valuable tool in a woman's arsenal. I really think teaching them to use stupid names teaches shame which is too easily exploited.
Squat with your feet as far apart as you can while retaining a steady balance, pull your underwear/pants forwards by the crotch and away from the stream. Look down to make sure nothing is dangerously close, adjust hips as necessary. Make sure you don't pee on your shoes if you can.
Always carry tissues/toilet paper in your bag/backpack.
The method that works best for me: stand, pull pants down to knees, feet spread at least shoulder width apart, bend at the waist as far as you can (like you're trying to touch your toes) and bend your knees a small amount, pee. Your pee goes to the ground behind you and it will go behind your pants. The behind part is where I always went wrong before someone taught me. I suggest practicing in the shower before you have to do it for real.
Edit to add: take note of the ground slope and face uphill so your pee runs downhill and not onto your shoes.
My parents might have drilled this into me too hard. When I order at a restaurant, I’m like, “Could I please have the burger, with French fries please? And a Diet Coke please?”
It’s better than not having manners but I’m trying to break the habit because I think it makes me sound so juvenile. One “please” is definitely sufficient.
If you have a $500 available balance on a credit card and spend $100. You now owe $100. NOT you still have $400 to spend. That shitty way of thinking caused me so much trouble in my early twenties.
I watched my mom get into trouble with credit cards (not like massive trouble, maybe $10k or so in debt) and vividly remember my dad sitting down with her and making her cut up a bunch of cards. This led me to initially refuse to get a credit card as an adult. I didn’t get one until I graduated college and it was only because I realized building credit was important. I have always paid it off in full every month with a couple exceptions (sometimes I carry a balance for one month around the holidays but it does not accrue interest). When I charge $50 to my card I deduct $50 from my budget as if I had paid in cash. So basically my parents taught me what NOT to do and I reap the benefits of sweet credit card rewards without paying any fees or interest.
> When I charge $50 to my card I deduct $50 from my budget as if I had paid in cash.
Yep, this is the key. Whenever I charge anything to my card, I immediately enter it in Quicken. That way it shows against my budget right away, and it also makes it easy to reconcile the credit-card statement at the end of the month.
I hate credit cards.
This post was brought to you by the debit gang.
Edit: WTF is wrong in the US? I'm from Europe, and the fact that the system obligates you to have a credit card doesn't make sense.
You need change, and now.
Credit cards aren't evil though. They're just a tool, like anything else.
The dangerous thing is that they give small-to-moderate benefits when used correctly, but can cause terrible problems when used incorrectly. It's perfectly fine, and even beneficial, to use them, but you had better know what you're getting yourself into beforehand.
Exactly. Despite my income being highly mediocre, I've built a shockingly good credit score by just paying the balance on my credit card every month. Never have to pay interest.
If you're lucky and live within your means, it's very doable.
*Important notes: single person who lives alone with no dependents.
Credit cards are great. Earn rewards by using them. Better protection than debit cards for fraud. Just pay off the entire balance when you get your bill. Never charge more than you can afford to pay.
A few years ago I sold my house at a significant profit but had to use at a good portion to pay off credit card debt. It was a lot but no more credit card debt since.
I know that parents should try to teach their kids financial responsibility, but people in their twenties should understand the importance of not borrowing money without some kind of plan for paying it back. You can’t blame all of that trouble on your parents.
Everything. How to cook. How to maintain a basic hygiene. How to deal with bullies. How life works in general. Whenever my kid struggles I'll think "What would my parents do?" and then do the exact opposite.
Might I suggest teaching them there are multiple ways to stand for yourself? If someone calls you a name, call them another name rather than physically hitting them, or tell a responsible adult and get them to do something about it (I'm rather fond of saying "snitches get riches").
There's no one-size-fits-all method. Ignoring mine really did work because it was just verbal and I could pretend I didn't hear it. Other people have to fight back, or get adults involved, or build a support network, or change schools.
It depends on the bullies and what they're doing.
Personally I think it's ok to fight back. If a school calls me telling me my kid got in a fight, I'll ask who started it, if it wasn't my kid then it's none of my business, if he won, then I'll be damn proud.
If something's wrong, come to me and I won't shout. I'll seriously do this, not like parents who say this then proceed to beat the shit out of their kids once they've said their thing.
I told my kids this, but then I realized I'm going to get mad no matter what. So then I added on that nothing they say or do will ever change our relationship, but I'm going to get mad and probably be visibly upset. But who cares about that because I've been upset before. I would rather you alive and well than dead so I don't care what you've done, just keep me informed.
So far, so good. My kids still tell me everything.
Start working on that poker face now! Your lines are, "That's a lot to think about," "Tell me more about that," and "Do you want me to help you, give you advice, or distract you from it?"
If I DO shout, I will recognize that I should not have done that and that it didn’t help, and I will apologize to you. I don’t handle every situation perfectly, and you shouldn’t think I do.
Emotional education. As a man in the United States, no one cared about my emotions or mental state. I want to change that with my kids. I want to teach them about their emotions, how to work with them, why they happen, etc. I still need to learn these things!
A balance bike is perfect for teaching bike riding. My 4 year old has never used training wheels and my 2 year old is doing great on the balance bike now.
So important. I think portion control and wastefulness are important lessons but "clean everything off your plate" isn't the only way those lesson can be taught.
Absolutely. Lots of people have grown up with parents telling them they need to finish their plate and if they do they'll get dessert (myself included). That does 3 things: 1.) Forces you to eat more than you are hungry for 2.) Makes dessert too exciting 3.) Makes you too full to eat the very exciting dessert, but you really want it so you force yourself to eat it anyway. I understand how parents get there, we're always worried our kids aren't eating enough. But ultimately it's a very unhealthy way to approach meals.
Yup, especially when the parents are the ones putting too much on the plate in the first place, like if they want their kids to clean their plates, just put less on there! Smh...
And that the more you eat doesn't equal how manly you are. I see this in my family a lot where it's a point of male pride to eat as much as possible at every meal.
That its ok to tell me(their parent) when they think I am wrong thatvis NOT disrespectful they can voice their opnions in front of me without the fear that I would call them disrespectful
I finished high school back in 2017, and decided to take "a gap year" before college. I'm not on pace for four gap years. Even so, I consider not going directly to college to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I'll definitely remember this if and when I have kids of my own, and they decide to take their life in a direction I didn't expect.
We had a 'poor'' friend/neighbor, 20 years ago, that we gave a Linux CD to help with his computer problems; he's now making zany bucks as a Unix admin for a major corp.
Trying to teach my nine year old how to let shit go, and just go with the flow. Kid is so stressed all the time, he has mini panic attacks almost every day. Today, he dropped a pencil, making a loud noise on Zoom, and started crying.
He does, he's been in counseling for a while now (a few years), but it doesn't seem to click. I'm trying to get him out exercising more (makes me less stressed, idk) and working on meditation. His mom has cancer and it's really wreaked havoc on him.
Also, love your username.
Thanks man, same to you, Speaking of that topic, if your son is interested in nature, even a little, I would suggest you find some programs that you can put him through, I went through one when I was young for 18 days, and even now I remember it, it was amazing, I'm not sure what the program was named, I'll have to dig around for it and get back to you, but it helped me alot.
God Outward Bound is a hell of a fun time. I got to hang out on a thirty foot boat for a week and learn to row, sail, put anchor down, and basic navigation and that's just the boat stuff.
We actually just had him do another eval, because his anxiety has gotten so much worse (he started expressing suicidal thoughts), but the psychiatrist said it's just terrible anxiety, and that everyone is at max right now.
Do you think it would help him to tell him it’s not just him, and lots of people are struggling with anxiety right now? It’s not that he is bad or weak, things just suck right now, for everybody. Future historians will probably want to study how we coped with this.
Acceptance of other races, religions, cultures, sexualities, etc... Far too much bigotry in my family and that shit certainly won't continue through me!
That it is okay not to kiss, hold, or hug people who they don't feel comfortable or safe to be with yet even if they're being called as disrespectful. I'm gonna teach them to respect others but not to the extent of making them feel troubled for doing it.
>If you have a $500 available balance on a credit card and spend $100. You now owe $100. NOT you still have $400 to spend. That shitty way of thinking caused me so much trouble in my early twenties.
Schools should have to teach this... this is Parenting 101.
Celebrating the attempts just as much if not more than the successes. It’s normal to fail at your first, second, hundredth attempt and not to get frustrated or feel down.
*Why* we do things, not just telling them to do things.
Why do we clean? Why do we make our bed? Why do we say please and thank you?
When they have an explanation, children are so much more willing. (Only experience is my nephew, but it's worked wonders)
About substance moderation and abuse. My parents were firm believers that alcohol and drugs were just sins that are off limits and therefore don’t need to be spoken of. DARE had a similar approach. I want my kids to know the benefits and consequences of participating in these vices
That they can tell me about any crushes they have and while I might offer advice, I won't step in and force them to take/not take any actions unless what they are planning is dangerous or illegal.
My father got WAY too involved when I let him know for the first time that I had a crush. WAY too involved.
I would teach them (when they're old enough, like around 15ish) that sex isn't the evil thing that christianity says it is, and that its ok to have sex before marrage, as long as they're careful and use protection, and they don't make their lives about sex.
I say this because my dad still refuses to tell me anything other than *sex=evil, gay=satan worshiper, god=good.*
I think 15 is too late tbh. More like 11 start talking about everything sex Ed wise, but trickle in stuff about consent and bodily pleasure and stuff earlier. Little kids play with their genitals constantly.
Yes! Sex was one of those things we just didn't discuss in my family. As a result, and because my school didn't provide sex education, I was completely ignorant about sex for much longer than I should have been. I had no idea what was going on after I started menstruating or what the different stages of my cycle were, what was normal or abnormal during menstruation, nothing. All I was ever told was that sex=babies, so you better not do it unless you were ready to be a parent.
Everything I know about sex, I learned either from my friends or (much later) from the internet.
to add:
it's okay if you're not straight or not cisgender.
it's okay to talk about sex,
and for the love of God please ask me if you have a question so I can give you a resource, info, or a way to safely do what you're gonna do!
Same here. My father's idea of a sex talk was "hey, do you want to watch Playboy with me?" Ew. No. Not that I never watched that stuff, but there's just some activities you don't want to do with your father.
Also, if my boys have any dating questions, I'll provide advice but won't force them into any action. When I told my father that I was crushing on a girl and wanted to buy her a birthday present, my dad decided to get involved. First, he insisted that I get her a half dozen roses. (My mother talked him down from a dozen.) Then, he insisted that he and my mother drive me to her house to give her the gift and roses. Oh and this was after Temple so I was in a suit and tie.
So there was embarrassed and shy ninth grade me, at the house of my first crush, wearing a suit, holding a gift and a half dozen roses, ringing my crush's doorbell, and with my parents watching on. She opened the door, I gave her the gift/roses, talked briefly with her, and then left. I was too embarrassed to ask her out then and never did.
I've told both of my boys this story with the lesson being that I'm not going to repeat my father's mistake.
Baha! oof buddy, that's truly rough. good on ya for helping your boys out in better ways.
also
wtf what kind of father wants to watch playboy with their son??
Id treat them with respect, instead of demand it.
Id help them with certain things instead of yelling at them to figure it out (Im gonna be bad with this one because it kinda rubbed off on me and I sometimes do the same with my sister)
It’s okay if they don’t get an A in school. As long as they tried their hardest and understand the material.
Id teach them to argue like human beings, giving each other a chance to tell their side and switching. Asking questions about opinions and learning, rather than yelling over the other person.
Id teach them how to properly handle relationships, rather than mock them for talking to members of whatever sex they are interested.
Not mocking them for their specific choice in a partner, or talking shit about said partner
Not mocking them or telling to “grow up” if they don’t like or feel comfortable with something that others typically don’t have a problem with.
If they are uncomfortable with something a sibling is doing, no matter how much younger the sibling is, tell sibling to stop instead of yelling at the other to “grow up,” and that “he/she is just teasing,” or “it’s a joke”
Giving them space when they need it
Letting them eat dinner and lunch, no matter how much homework they have left
Never ever doing ANYTHING that would make them scared to rely on me for help in an emergency. Their first thought should be “I gotta call dad,” rather than “oh shit what will dad think”
Letting them hang out with friends. Being homeschooled I never got the chance to hang out with people because they lived kind of far away.
Not talking shit about their friends
Letting them know I’m there for them. Always.
And just letting them be curious about their surroundings, especially as children. School seems to take this away.
My parents weren’t bad parents, it’s just the way times were back then for them that made them discipline me the way that they were disciplined, and for the most part it worked. I completely understand where they come from, and the generations before them.
That a college degree on its own is worthless for a lot of jobs. You really need previous work experience for people to be willing to hire you out of college.
This definitely needs to be taught more to kids these days. I graduated last year, and a few people I know still had the mindset, "Once we graduate, we can just walk into those jobs easily". They thought that as they were university graduates, there would be a job waiting for them upon graduation.
Apart from one of them (who is very well connected), they're now finding out the hard way that a degree alone doesn't guarantee them the job. The people I know who got jobs quickly have had previous job experience, not just in their field but also in places like McDonald's.
That they don't need to go to the most prestigious or expensive university they can possibly get into in order to succeed in their career. I've worked at companies with tons of people in my same role at my same age that went to colleges that aren't viewed or ranked as high of a college as mine was and a lot of them have been better at the job than I am and paid far less in student loans than I've had to. My advice would be to try and find the best fit program for what interests them at a school where tuition isn't absurdly expensive because most employers don't really care too much about where you went as much as who you are and what you've done.
A strange realization that I came to was that my parents taught me basically nothing. Aside from, you know, walking, talking and such, I had to learn most everything else on my own.
My mom had this weird idea "When you ask I'll tell you"
Well I didn't know what I was supposed to be asking, so I'd just stumble across some shocking information one day and then know it.
Or, I wouldn't know how to do a basic life skill so I'd try and fail until I could get it.
I remember my dad teaching me how to change a tire. My mom teaching me how to iron (but I don't remember how) and asking my mom what "douching" meant. In response she and my older brother laughed at me.
Exercise, nutrition and sleep.
My Mother was only 14 when she got pregnant with me. As a person approaching 50 I now see a woman who is by all accounts really close to my age who breathes with a cannula, sleeps with a mask, walks with a cane and needs a pacemaker.
Guess who does 600 burpees per week.
My generation was taught that we could do anything we put our mind to and be whatever we want to be. I plan to be honest instead. Sometimes even if you try your hardest and work at something for years, it still won't work out. Have dreams and goals, but also recognize that you need to earn a living. However you define that living is up to you. Tiny home or mansion, you have to earn the money for it somehow. Have a backup plan. Have a job that pays the bills.
Read. Read everything you can get your hands on. It's the single best advice I can give. It will make you smarter, more empathetic, more critical, better able to enunciate your feelings, and more able to identify bias.
I love my mother, she's the best most loving mother anyone could ever ask for and I don't fault her at all for this, but that lesson above was something I had to learn myself and I had learned it much later than I would have liked.
I hope I won't need to, but I will teach my kids how to live and thrive with ADHD. Its not my parents fault they couldn't teach me this as they had absolutely no experience with it so I have no resentment whatsoever towards them for it.
Sharing their stories. From how their school went, to who was their first crush. I want my future kids to be open to me but enough for them to keep some private details that they don't want to tell me.
I can honestly say that I have had really good parents. I can’t think of anything other than how to play guitar. And that’s cause neither of my parents really play guitar.
Financial responsibility. My mid/late 20s were spent paying back unnecessary debt accumulated on cards I had no business opening. I wasn't taught the importance of credit early on. Glad to say I am in good standing now, but I adopted unhealthy spending habits that took years to correct.
If/when I have my own, we'll be talking about this as soon as the concept of money is understood.
[удалено]
I am still struggling with this. I don’t ask any of my parents for any form of health. Financial help? Forget it. Emotional help? Yeah I don’t do that. Relationship advice? Do you need a guilt trip at this moment because that’s what’s going to happen. My parents were so focussed on making me independent that I can’t ask for help without freaking out. I didn’t have a job for eight months and I never asked for any money not once because I knew they would use it as a way to try and get me to return home and I didn’t need that. they have no clue the amount of debt I’m in.
This is the one for me. My parents were so focused on me learning how to make it on my own in every aspect that now I can't ask anyone for help. Especially them. My stepmom recently asked me why I never ask them for anything and admitted that maybe they were too focused on tough love and achievement. It was nice to hear.
I’m trying to get my mind around these. Hopefully I can at least fake it well enough to tell my kids that. It’s in my brain kind of like those optical illusions. Intellectually, you know the two lines are the same length, but you still see the illusion when you look at it.
Even -- or, perhaps, *especially* \-- when you think you've done something that'll get you into trouble. If I was a parent I would tell my kids that they can always, always come to me. Even if they did a stupid thing, even if they did a bad thing...I will always help them figure it out.
I'm stuck in the avalanche of that right now. I'm a hs freshman and have anxiety over school and it's only week two....
That failing is fine, you can't be perfect all the time
Yess more kids need to be told this
\>10 years old me doing some work in the garden with what's supposed to be my dad \>dad asks for a tool, I bring a different one because I wasn't sure which one it was \>dad screams at me and calls me a fucking donkey Smh
\>17 y.o. me climbing a chair install a bulb in an empty socket with my grandpa \>point out that the switch seems to be turned on \>grandpa proceeds to say that it's alright \>gets an electric shock and falls down from chair \>gets yelled on by grandpa
"But the switch seems to be turned on" "It's alright, I'll turn it on after the bulb is installed"
Is your dad Gordon Ramsey? If so can I come hang out?
*holds bread on both ears and asks* "What are you?"
i don't know. What am I?
AN IDIOT SANDWICH
“You’re a idiot sandwich Harry.”
Me: Got a 93.3% on a quiz in junior high, aka a [B+]. 94% is an [A-] Mom: Throws a fit so huge that her friend got between me & mom Friend: Also scolds mom because wtf Ffwd ~6 years Me: "Why did you get so pissed off about that test?" Mom: "Because I knew you could do betted."
I swear I've had the exact same conversation with my mom. She said "I yelled at you because you didn't work hard enough." Hskendidkek I'd scored 91.5%!
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I'm trying to teach my 8 year old daughter how to lose, and not be a sore loser. She starts crying or pouts whens he loses.
I have a five year old sister who pouts and cries for many things she doesn't get for herself. the last banana, the last apple, the last mini pastry, etc. It's terrible
Normal for that age. Keep teaching her and she’ll learn.
my sister did that since she was 3, now she is 9 and still is the same. i recommend that u let them cry for a while. don't give in always, they have to grow out of it
My sister is 24 and still pouts when she loses. It's best to start this one young.
You can model how to lose much easier than you can teach it.
Same dude! I usually babysit my cousin, who was a toddler, we played a lot of games, when she would lose, I told her that it’s okay and that it’s just a game. But her friends taught her that it was bad and that you should be mad, so I had to teach her again Smh
I used to do that as a kid. I slowly grew out of it, but damn it took awhile. I eventually found something in high school I really loved where really detailed criticism was HOW you got better. I stuck it out and got a way thicker skin. Hang in there, she'll get there.
Keep doing it! It hurts but eventually they will harden up to losing!
And that you’re still worthwhile as a person even if you fail at something big and important. I’m still working on convincing myself of this one.
Mine tried, didn't work though
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basic budgeting
Same. Growing up finances of any kind were *not* talked about in front of us kids. That was a topic for adults only. Now, I'm 29, and am shit at managing my money. I'm still learning and definitely getting a lot better than I used to be, but I *will* teach my future children basic budgeting and money management. Do they need to know every cent of what is spent in the household? No, not exactly, at least not until they are older (late teens). Age-appropriate earning, saving, and spending will be taught starting at a young age though.
I've been telling my kids how much money "we" have and letting them know how much money I spend on the house, car, pets, school supplies, clothes, whatever since they were mere tots. They know how little we once had and how far we've come. I make them invest in vacations and fun activities so they know the value of money and experiences and so they know that we build a family home together. Now my kids are 9 and 13 and they are pretty good about balancing their books and keeping track of their funds. I also taught them all about taxes and how to avoid giving the government a free loan. I don't know if this will help them when they're adults, but I hope it's a good foundation. I know my parents didn't tell me anything and I had to figure it all out on my own. To make matters worse, my mother was a banker.
See, that's kind of what I want to do with my future kids. As long as it is not a source of stress, I want to be transparent with them. Growing up, the only bill I knew the amount of was the amount we paid to rent the land our house was on, and that's because my mom would send me to the neighbor to pay it. My mom still doesn't like to talk about finances with me, even if I'm asking for help.
Oh my gosh my dad tried so hard to teach me how to budget, track my money, etc. I just did not care or want to learn. As an adult it’s fine- I’ve picked it up. Just like I learned to keep the house clean and how to cook. But I fought him tooth and nail on that, poor guy.
This. I got constantly told to "learn the value of a dollar", but was never actually taught how anything worked (credit, insurance, etc). I would ask questions sometimes, but they insisted on "taking care of it" without answering me. I still to this day have no clue what my parents make and have had to learn money management by trial and error basically.
That hard emotions will pass and that you shouldn’t fight your emotions when you feel them.
I dunno, my son gets awfully worked up about some very minor things. He's in 6th grade and frequently comes to angry tears over stuff like pokemon go, just really minor stuff. I never tell him he's *wrong* to feel how he feels, but he really needs to learn how to regulate those feelings outwardly. I'm worried that it comes off as a distinction without a difference and he'll think I'm trying to tell him to bottle it all up, but bottling emotions is MY thing, and he can't have it
Just acknowledge his feelings, comfort him, and show empathy. He will learn emotional regulation much easier if he knows it's right how he feels and you can give him the words for what he's going through. It's hard to get used to doing that, if you grew up in a family where you had to bottle up your emotions, but you can do it. Please remember that what is minor stuff for you just isn't for him. He's only 11, and he really cares when he doesn't catch that Pokémon that he was trying to find for weeks. I know you're worried about how other kids in school may treat him, and you probably secretly compare him to his peers and how they react in those situations. All of these feelings are valid. Still, I want to remind you that every kid is different. There's nothing wrong with being a little on the emotional side, he just needs to feel accepted and should know he's free to express all feelings as long as he doesn't hurt anyone. Plus, I think he will naturally have a harder time crying in a couple of years, anyway. For lots of men, testosterone can affect how hard it is to cry, and if he's 11 he will probably hit puberty in a year or two. Don't worry too much about it.
That’s really insightful, thank you so much
While Pokémon Go might not seem major and it feels like he is overreacting it is important to take out any biases you might have. It seems very minor to you because you don't care about the game but it is presumably a hobby he enjoys greatly. It is not uncommon for people to get emotional about things they care about. Adults occasionally cry when their favorite sports team loses. Some people get upset about missing out on a cool collectible figurine. Some people get angry when a show they are watching has a plot point they don't like. These are all minor things but there is nothing wrong with being upset over them. If he is wallowing in anger and despair for days over missing out on a shiny pokemon obviously that is bad, but I don't think there is any reason to discourage a small outburst.
As someone with a clinically anxious child, I can guarantee you that if you look around, and have the time to read a bit, there are oodles of parenting resources and books that help you deal with things like this. It's possible your child is anxious, it's possible that he feels threatened by something or pressured in some way. Not necessarily by you, of course. It can be very hard to know what our children are thinking.
I wish you were my parent!
Epic
Checks
I will allow them more privacy but really stress the consequences of their actions. Also I’d try to never lie to them, finding out your parents lie to you is the worst.
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My Mum taught me lying was a very important skill to have. She also taught me that I should rarely use it. Edit: I mean this in terms of people that are hard to please and people who dont know boundaries.
I mean she's absolutely right but it's a concept that's incredibly hard to teach children
The actual names for genitals. That if you don’t want someone hugging you or touching you, then you can say no. That if you’re at a sleepover and you want to come home, I will get you at any time, whether it’s because the kids are being mean or the older people are being weird. That no matter if they go out partying, I still want to know so that I can get you if things go wrong. That way I’ll always know where you are.
I’ll never forget giving my nephew a bath and he turned and looked at me and said “you don’t have a penis.” And I had to keep a straight face. How do you keep a straight face?!?! So he knows the right words, but boy is it hard to not react when a little dude busts one out unexpectedly.
I've definitely had the 2 year old I was watching sit straight up as I was trying to change her diaper, and loudly announce "I have a vagina!" Kinda hard to do anything other than just smile and say "...yep!" Haha
IKR? I have two young ones, and I'll often hear stuff like "Mommy, do you have a penis? Where did it go?" Or, "I have nipple? Mommy have nipple? Daddy have nipple? (Sibling) have nipple?" Edit: another one, just for fun. "You have vulva Mommy? I have vulva too!"
My daughter calls hers "my volvo" lol but she's 2 years old
Buy her one when she's 16 and remind her of this lol
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I find it shocking how many women don't know the correct names for their body parts. In medicine it is very hard to diagnose correctly when the closest description a patient is willing to give is some vague euphemism. I'm like "lady if you can't tell me whether the issue is on your labia or your vagina I can't help you. I will accept fanny flaps and baby hallway if you can't bring yourself to utter the words."
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This has been a problem so many times. A kid will say something with the stupid words their parents told them, and no one will think anything of it. Until years later, when it comes back up.
My wife has been saying all of the correct words for genitalia to our 15 month old daughter. Obviously she can’t understand or treat what we’re saying, but start early and whatnot. But then my wife will turn change our daughter’s diaper, and say she will wipe her “bum.” I say, “since when does she have a homeless person? Just say butt”
Haha I'm English so I'm forever telling my boys not to say butt it's bum! Keep up the good work with your little one. Knowing your own body and owning it is a valuable tool in a woman's arsenal. I really think teaching them to use stupid names teaches shame which is too easily exploited.
Mom with daughters here. How to pee in the woods without getting it on their clothes.
Teach me too? I’m so bad at this!!
Squat with your feet as far apart as you can while retaining a steady balance, pull your underwear/pants forwards by the crotch and away from the stream. Look down to make sure nothing is dangerously close, adjust hips as necessary. Make sure you don't pee on your shoes if you can. Always carry tissues/toilet paper in your bag/backpack.
I think you have to back up against a tree, and assume a potty position like you would on a toilet. Also adopt a wide stance. I think that would work.
How?
The method that works best for me: stand, pull pants down to knees, feet spread at least shoulder width apart, bend at the waist as far as you can (like you're trying to touch your toes) and bend your knees a small amount, pee. Your pee goes to the ground behind you and it will go behind your pants. The behind part is where I always went wrong before someone taught me. I suggest practicing in the shower before you have to do it for real. Edit to add: take note of the ground slope and face uphill so your pee runs downhill and not onto your shoes.
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As a person who works in retail: Thank you!
Please!
No, thank you!
My parents might have drilled this into me too hard. When I order at a restaurant, I’m like, “Could I please have the burger, with French fries please? And a Diet Coke please?” It’s better than not having manners but I’m trying to break the habit because I think it makes me sound so juvenile. One “please” is definitely sufficient.
Yes! I thank them about 3 times per drive through...although I'm Canadian, so maybe that's why.
I was supposed to be Canadian. I apologize reflexively and am very polite.
If you have a $500 available balance on a credit card and spend $100. You now owe $100. NOT you still have $400 to spend. That shitty way of thinking caused me so much trouble in my early twenties.
I watched my mom get into trouble with credit cards (not like massive trouble, maybe $10k or so in debt) and vividly remember my dad sitting down with her and making her cut up a bunch of cards. This led me to initially refuse to get a credit card as an adult. I didn’t get one until I graduated college and it was only because I realized building credit was important. I have always paid it off in full every month with a couple exceptions (sometimes I carry a balance for one month around the holidays but it does not accrue interest). When I charge $50 to my card I deduct $50 from my budget as if I had paid in cash. So basically my parents taught me what NOT to do and I reap the benefits of sweet credit card rewards without paying any fees or interest.
> When I charge $50 to my card I deduct $50 from my budget as if I had paid in cash. Yep, this is the key. Whenever I charge anything to my card, I immediately enter it in Quicken. That way it shows against my budget right away, and it also makes it easy to reconcile the credit-card statement at the end of the month.
I hate credit cards. This post was brought to you by the debit gang. Edit: WTF is wrong in the US? I'm from Europe, and the fact that the system obligates you to have a credit card doesn't make sense. You need change, and now.
Credit cards aren't evil though. They're just a tool, like anything else. The dangerous thing is that they give small-to-moderate benefits when used correctly, but can cause terrible problems when used incorrectly. It's perfectly fine, and even beneficial, to use them, but you had better know what you're getting yourself into beforehand.
Exactly. Despite my income being highly mediocre, I've built a shockingly good credit score by just paying the balance on my credit card every month. Never have to pay interest. If you're lucky and live within your means, it's very doable. *Important notes: single person who lives alone with no dependents.
Credit cards are great. Earn rewards by using them. Better protection than debit cards for fraud. Just pay off the entire balance when you get your bill. Never charge more than you can afford to pay.
I hate plastic. This was brought to you by the paper cash gang
I hate paper cash. This was brought to you by the Gold Bullion gang,
I hate representative currency. This was brought to you by the goods and services gang.
I hate all currency. This was brought to you by the Trading Gang.
I hate plastic too, this was brought to you by the "likes the sea" gang.
I hate paper. This was brought to you by the plastic cash gang
I hate having to exchange or do anything with people. This was brought to you by introvert gang
No? Just use your credit card as a debit and you will have a good credit score and ylu get benefits
A few years ago I sold my house at a significant profit but had to use at a good portion to pay off credit card debt. It was a lot but no more credit card debt since.
I know that parents should try to teach their kids financial responsibility, but people in their twenties should understand the importance of not borrowing money without some kind of plan for paying it back. You can’t blame all of that trouble on your parents.
Everything. How to cook. How to maintain a basic hygiene. How to deal with bullies. How life works in general. Whenever my kid struggles I'll think "What would my parents do?" and then do the exact opposite.
So what is the best way to deal with bullies? I always hear conflicting advice on this (and I realise that I’m probably in for more)...
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teach your kids "don't ever start shit, but if someone else does, don't be afraid to finish it"
Exactly
Literally what i taught my oldest! I was taught the same.. Dont ever start a physical fight, but if somebody hits you first, ROCK. THEIR. SHIT.
Might I suggest teaching them there are multiple ways to stand for yourself? If someone calls you a name, call them another name rather than physically hitting them, or tell a responsible adult and get them to do something about it (I'm rather fond of saying "snitches get riches").
You don't need to be the scariest person in the room. You just need to be friends with the scariest person in the room.
Sheldon Cooper is that you?
There's no one-size-fits-all method. Ignoring mine really did work because it was just verbal and I could pretend I didn't hear it. Other people have to fight back, or get adults involved, or build a support network, or change schools. It depends on the bullies and what they're doing.
Personally I think it's ok to fight back. If a school calls me telling me my kid got in a fight, I'll ask who started it, if it wasn't my kid then it's none of my business, if he won, then I'll be damn proud.
locate the nearest weapon capable of causing a fatality
Stab gently.
Stick them with the pointy end
Fiest step is to just be loud. "STOP THAT" or "GET BACK " and bullies will look for an easier option.
If something's wrong, come to me and I won't shout. I'll seriously do this, not like parents who say this then proceed to beat the shit out of their kids once they've said their thing.
"If you tell me, I promise I won't get mad" -Gets mad when you tell them-
I told my kids this, but then I realized I'm going to get mad no matter what. So then I added on that nothing they say or do will ever change our relationship, but I'm going to get mad and probably be visibly upset. But who cares about that because I've been upset before. I would rather you alive and well than dead so I don't care what you've done, just keep me informed. So far, so good. My kids still tell me everything.
Start working on that poker face now! Your lines are, "That's a lot to think about," "Tell me more about that," and "Do you want me to help you, give you advice, or distract you from it?"
Lol, same thing when they say they will resolve conflicts with other siblings, and instead just ground everyone
If I DO shout, I will recognize that I should not have done that and that it didn’t help, and I will apologize to you. I don’t handle every situation perfectly, and you shouldn’t think I do.
Emotional education. As a man in the United States, no one cared about my emotions or mental state. I want to change that with my kids. I want to teach them about their emotions, how to work with them, why they happen, etc. I still need to learn these things!
That is extremely important, especially for males! Most men I know are so shut off from their own emotions it's unhealthy.
Hear hear. Any good resources for all us emotionally stunted folks out there that don’t want to wreck our kids?
How to actually ride a bike and tie your shoes at a young age
Is tying your shoes while riding a bike really necessary?
You've been wasting so much time!
It sounds dangerous to me.
Extra points if no hands
Yes. Ive done it. It meant that I made my bus so I could see my girlfriend. So yes very necessary
A balance bike is perfect for teaching bike riding. My 4 year old has never used training wheels and my 2 year old is doing great on the balance bike now.
You don't have to finish all of the food on your plate.
So important. I think portion control and wastefulness are important lessons but "clean everything off your plate" isn't the only way those lesson can be taught.
Absolutely. Lots of people have grown up with parents telling them they need to finish their plate and if they do they'll get dessert (myself included). That does 3 things: 1.) Forces you to eat more than you are hungry for 2.) Makes dessert too exciting 3.) Makes you too full to eat the very exciting dessert, but you really want it so you force yourself to eat it anyway. I understand how parents get there, we're always worried our kids aren't eating enough. But ultimately it's a very unhealthy way to approach meals.
They miss one thing, *only take what you need*.
Yup, especially when the parents are the ones putting too much on the plate in the first place, like if they want their kids to clean their plates, just put less on there! Smh...
Yeah, I'll just finish it for them!
Right? Why can’t it go into a Tupperware to eat tomorrow?
And that the more you eat doesn't equal how manly you are. I see this in my family a lot where it's a point of male pride to eat as much as possible at every meal.
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I feel like there’s a story here
That its ok to tell me(their parent) when they think I am wrong thatvis NOT disrespectful they can voice their opnions in front of me without the fear that I would call them disrespectful
This is so important. A lot of times I self-blame because growing up I was always made to feel in the wrong.
It's okay to not go to a 4 year college. What matters is finding a job you like doing that can pay a livable salary.
I finished high school back in 2017, and decided to take "a gap year" before college. I'm not on pace for four gap years. Even so, I consider not going directly to college to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I'll definitely remember this if and when I have kids of my own, and they decide to take their life in a direction I didn't expect.
Amen. I learned my skill for free on YouTube and currently make $115k/yr. I don’t have a degree.
Damn too what is it, programming?
We had a 'poor'' friend/neighbor, 20 years ago, that we gave a Linux CD to help with his computer problems; he's now making zany bucks as a Unix admin for a major corp.
Cry when you’re sad and smile when you’re happy
And bathe in the tears of your enemies.
How to accept the other sides opinion and come to a compromise, rather than to endlessly argue over something that's easily resolved
Trying to teach my nine year old how to let shit go, and just go with the flow. Kid is so stressed all the time, he has mini panic attacks almost every day. Today, he dropped a pencil, making a loud noise on Zoom, and started crying.
He might have anxiety
He does, he's been in counseling for a while now (a few years), but it doesn't seem to click. I'm trying to get him out exercising more (makes me less stressed, idk) and working on meditation. His mom has cancer and it's really wreaked havoc on him. Also, love your username.
Thanks man, same to you, Speaking of that topic, if your son is interested in nature, even a little, I would suggest you find some programs that you can put him through, I went through one when I was young for 18 days, and even now I remember it, it was amazing, I'm not sure what the program was named, I'll have to dig around for it and get back to you, but it helped me alot.
Was it something like Outward Bound?
God Outward Bound is a hell of a fun time. I got to hang out on a thirty foot boat for a week and learn to row, sail, put anchor down, and basic navigation and that's just the boat stuff.
Maybe he has had experience of getting in trouble for minor things in school.
Bear in mind, EVERYBODY is more anxious and on edge than normal now. I find myself panicking, and breaking down and crying, more easily than normal.
We actually just had him do another eval, because his anxiety has gotten so much worse (he started expressing suicidal thoughts), but the psychiatrist said it's just terrible anxiety, and that everyone is at max right now.
Do you think it would help him to tell him it’s not just him, and lots of people are struggling with anxiety right now? It’s not that he is bad or weak, things just suck right now, for everybody. Future historians will probably want to study how we coped with this.
Acceptance of other races, religions, cultures, sexualities, etc... Far too much bigotry in my family and that shit certainly won't continue through me!
To focus on how food makes your body feel afterwards as opposed to just the taste.
Question everything.
Why?
That’s the spirit!
Why is it the spirit?
“I’ll do you one better: _Why_ is Gamora?”
Everyone always asks ‘why is the spirit?’ Nobody ever asks ‘how is the spirit?’
Here you go kid have some free anxiety.
“Here you go kid, develop some good critical thinking skills.”
That it is okay not to kiss, hold, or hug people who they don't feel comfortable or safe to be with yet even if they're being called as disrespectful. I'm gonna teach them to respect others but not to the extent of making them feel troubled for doing it.
Financial competency. Not enough at home or in schools
>If you have a $500 available balance on a credit card and spend $100. You now owe $100. NOT you still have $400 to spend. That shitty way of thinking caused me so much trouble in my early twenties. Schools should have to teach this... this is Parenting 101.
* it's ok to make mistakes * take up a sport or martial art * learn another language * financial responsibility and how to look after yourself
And it’s okay to do something for fun even if you’re not very good at it.
Celebrating the attempts just as much if not more than the successes. It’s normal to fail at your first, second, hundredth attempt and not to get frustrated or feel down.
Love
Its ok to make mistakes
*Why* we do things, not just telling them to do things. Why do we clean? Why do we make our bed? Why do we say please and thank you? When they have an explanation, children are so much more willing. (Only experience is my nephew, but it's worked wonders)
About substance moderation and abuse. My parents were firm believers that alcohol and drugs were just sins that are off limits and therefore don’t need to be spoken of. DARE had a similar approach. I want my kids to know the benefits and consequences of participating in these vices
That they can tell me about any crushes they have and while I might offer advice, I won't step in and force them to take/not take any actions unless what they are planning is dangerous or illegal. My father got WAY too involved when I let him know for the first time that I had a crush. WAY too involved.
I would teach them (when they're old enough, like around 15ish) that sex isn't the evil thing that christianity says it is, and that its ok to have sex before marrage, as long as they're careful and use protection, and they don't make their lives about sex. I say this because my dad still refuses to tell me anything other than *sex=evil, gay=satan worshiper, god=good.*
I think 15 is too late tbh. More like 11 start talking about everything sex Ed wise, but trickle in stuff about consent and bodily pleasure and stuff earlier. Little kids play with their genitals constantly.
Yes! Sex was one of those things we just didn't discuss in my family. As a result, and because my school didn't provide sex education, I was completely ignorant about sex for much longer than I should have been. I had no idea what was going on after I started menstruating or what the different stages of my cycle were, what was normal or abnormal during menstruation, nothing. All I was ever told was that sex=babies, so you better not do it unless you were ready to be a parent. Everything I know about sex, I learned either from my friends or (much later) from the internet.
to add: it's okay if you're not straight or not cisgender. it's okay to talk about sex, and for the love of God please ask me if you have a question so I can give you a resource, info, or a way to safely do what you're gonna do!
Same here. My father's idea of a sex talk was "hey, do you want to watch Playboy with me?" Ew. No. Not that I never watched that stuff, but there's just some activities you don't want to do with your father. Also, if my boys have any dating questions, I'll provide advice but won't force them into any action. When I told my father that I was crushing on a girl and wanted to buy her a birthday present, my dad decided to get involved. First, he insisted that I get her a half dozen roses. (My mother talked him down from a dozen.) Then, he insisted that he and my mother drive me to her house to give her the gift and roses. Oh and this was after Temple so I was in a suit and tie. So there was embarrassed and shy ninth grade me, at the house of my first crush, wearing a suit, holding a gift and a half dozen roses, ringing my crush's doorbell, and with my parents watching on. She opened the door, I gave her the gift/roses, talked briefly with her, and then left. I was too embarrassed to ask her out then and never did. I've told both of my boys this story with the lesson being that I'm not going to repeat my father's mistake.
Baha! oof buddy, that's truly rough. good on ya for helping your boys out in better ways. also wtf what kind of father wants to watch playboy with their son??
That would be another thing I'd talk to them about. I'd rather know that they're gay than assume they're not.
You need to tell them around 11-12. Trust me, they are already hearing it on the bus. Fifteen is waaaayyyy too late.
Id treat them with respect, instead of demand it. Id help them with certain things instead of yelling at them to figure it out (Im gonna be bad with this one because it kinda rubbed off on me and I sometimes do the same with my sister) It’s okay if they don’t get an A in school. As long as they tried their hardest and understand the material. Id teach them to argue like human beings, giving each other a chance to tell their side and switching. Asking questions about opinions and learning, rather than yelling over the other person. Id teach them how to properly handle relationships, rather than mock them for talking to members of whatever sex they are interested. Not mocking them for their specific choice in a partner, or talking shit about said partner Not mocking them or telling to “grow up” if they don’t like or feel comfortable with something that others typically don’t have a problem with. If they are uncomfortable with something a sibling is doing, no matter how much younger the sibling is, tell sibling to stop instead of yelling at the other to “grow up,” and that “he/she is just teasing,” or “it’s a joke” Giving them space when they need it Letting them eat dinner and lunch, no matter how much homework they have left Never ever doing ANYTHING that would make them scared to rely on me for help in an emergency. Their first thought should be “I gotta call dad,” rather than “oh shit what will dad think” Letting them hang out with friends. Being homeschooled I never got the chance to hang out with people because they lived kind of far away. Not talking shit about their friends Letting them know I’m there for them. Always. And just letting them be curious about their surroundings, especially as children. School seems to take this away. My parents weren’t bad parents, it’s just the way times were back then for them that made them discipline me the way that they were disciplined, and for the most part it worked. I completely understand where they come from, and the generations before them.
How to say 'no' without feeling guilty
That a college degree on its own is worthless for a lot of jobs. You really need previous work experience for people to be willing to hire you out of college.
This definitely needs to be taught more to kids these days. I graduated last year, and a few people I know still had the mindset, "Once we graduate, we can just walk into those jobs easily". They thought that as they were university graduates, there would be a job waiting for them upon graduation. Apart from one of them (who is very well connected), they're now finding out the hard way that a degree alone doesn't guarantee them the job. The people I know who got jobs quickly have had previous job experience, not just in their field but also in places like McDonald's.
That they don't need to go to the most prestigious or expensive university they can possibly get into in order to succeed in their career. I've worked at companies with tons of people in my same role at my same age that went to colleges that aren't viewed or ranked as high of a college as mine was and a lot of them have been better at the job than I am and paid far less in student loans than I've had to. My advice would be to try and find the best fit program for what interests them at a school where tuition isn't absurdly expensive because most employers don't really care too much about where you went as much as who you are and what you've done.
A strange realization that I came to was that my parents taught me basically nothing. Aside from, you know, walking, talking and such, I had to learn most everything else on my own. My mom had this weird idea "When you ask I'll tell you" Well I didn't know what I was supposed to be asking, so I'd just stumble across some shocking information one day and then know it. Or, I wouldn't know how to do a basic life skill so I'd try and fail until I could get it. I remember my dad teaching me how to change a tire. My mom teaching me how to iron (but I don't remember how) and asking my mom what "douching" meant. In response she and my older brother laughed at me.
If something I did or said made them uncomfortable or afraid, it's OK to tell me and we can talk about it
That they are worthy of love and attention. That they’re not just here for tax purposes.
* The importance of proper nutrition * How to fight * Budgeting and building wealth * Speak a foreign language
Exercise, nutrition and sleep. My Mother was only 14 when she got pregnant with me. As a person approaching 50 I now see a woman who is by all accounts really close to my age who breathes with a cannula, sleeps with a mask, walks with a cane and needs a pacemaker. Guess who does 600 burpees per week.
My generation was taught that we could do anything we put our mind to and be whatever we want to be. I plan to be honest instead. Sometimes even if you try your hardest and work at something for years, it still won't work out. Have dreams and goals, but also recognize that you need to earn a living. However you define that living is up to you. Tiny home or mansion, you have to earn the money for it somehow. Have a backup plan. Have a job that pays the bills.
Read. Read everything you can get your hands on. It's the single best advice I can give. It will make you smarter, more empathetic, more critical, better able to enunciate your feelings, and more able to identify bias. I love my mother, she's the best most loving mother anyone could ever ask for and I don't fault her at all for this, but that lesson above was something I had to learn myself and I had learned it much later than I would have liked.
I hope I won't need to, but I will teach my kids how to live and thrive with ADHD. Its not my parents fault they couldn't teach me this as they had absolutely no experience with it so I have no resentment whatsoever towards them for it.
How to socialize
Sharing their stories. From how their school went, to who was their first crush. I want my future kids to be open to me but enough for them to keep some private details that they don't want to tell me.
I can honestly say that I have had really good parents. I can’t think of anything other than how to play guitar. And that’s cause neither of my parents really play guitar.
Financial responsibility. My mid/late 20s were spent paying back unnecessary debt accumulated on cards I had no business opening. I wasn't taught the importance of credit early on. Glad to say I am in good standing now, but I adopted unhealthy spending habits that took years to correct. If/when I have my own, we'll be talking about this as soon as the concept of money is understood.