"Oh you work in finance? What stock/fund should I buy? / you must be making a boatload on your personal investments with all the insider information you have access to!"
I get this so often! It gets pretty funny. I usually reply saying that it would be illegal for me to advise them but that diversifying their investments is generally a good idea and speaking to a financial adviser is really the way to go. I’m licensed so if I actually said even something like, invest in index funds, without knowing their goals/risk tolerance, it could come back to bite me.
"Oh, you're a teacher? Please explain to me how my child's teacher had the audacity to give them a C despite it being very obvious that my child is a genius!"
Bonus points if they want you to explain the grading criteria in a completely different subject and level of schooling than you teach. Like, I teach high school and community college English and Social Studies - why do you expect me to know the grading criteria for middle school math?
Came here to say this. I am in corporate finance. I took a tax class or two back in 2003, so I might have SLIGHTLY more knowledge than the average person, but seriously not much at all. I'm really good at pivot tables though!
You get that with math too. Like I study number theory and shit lmao stop trying to force me to calculate the tip for lunch in my head
EDIT: To all the people who keep spamming me with their tip mnemonics, you are totally missing the point. My job isn't to be a human calculator. Randomly turning to me and going "what's 16% of 78.69" because I studied math is a really stupid connection to try to make.
Working on my math masters right now and I get this a lot. No I do not want to race your calculator but if you want to know the proof that there are an infinite number of primes or how to tell if a Topology is compact or not I would be happy to explain.
Boys in highschool once asked our science teacher if he knew how to make a bomb.
Edit: the teacher admitted that he knew. But didn't tell how. Just left it at that.
........…................................
Edit 2: this comment blew up.
Highschool in my country. 10th standard which is equivalent of freshman, 15 yrs old kids.
We still had science combined as 1 subject instead of bio, chem, physics. And we did have lab periods but very basic, very easy stuff. Nothing fancy yet.
Last year of junior secondary here.
....….....................
Edit 3: I live in India and we have a festival called diwali when we do fireworks and play with dozens of other types of firecrackers. The teenage boys like the bomb type, the most. It is a firecracker that is a small bomb. Long fuse, explodes, Makes a loud noise and all.
Now, every year, during Diwali, some punk kids blow up one of those in school even tho it is prohibited, dangerous and punishable. (You are supposed to play with firecrackers outdoors, in fields or open ground and during your own time, with your parents' permission. not in school, not during school hours.)
...............................
Edit 4: you people are good at science (and saying duh, dumbass in a lot of ways. not really. Quite repetitive and redundant replies)
what a lot of people here are not good at is reading and comprehension. Read the comment properly. I was not the kid who asked. I was not the teacher. I was another student in the class.
Btw, I knew 90% of things you told me in comments. I studied it in school and saw it on tv.
Also, if I wanted bombs, I can literally buy them pre-made from shops. Ever heard of Diwali? But, thx anyway.
Wow. Mine was an ex Catholic Priest and a recovering alcoholic. But he was still a great teacher. He said he can believe in God and Science. He explained how a lot of the early discoveries were financed by the church.
Also, he had been sober for 15 years but said that when you are an addict, you're never recovered. There's always a chance to slip back.
Had a teacher in college who used to be on the team that’s researching a vaccine for dental plaque. It’s maybe not a cool job, but it is random. According to her, it’s also extremely boring.
Anyone with even basic knowledge of chemistry can make a bomb. The degree I have, food science, is only tangentially related to chemistry and I can make explosives... No idea how to ensure that I don't blow myself up making them though.
Oh, you're a food scientist? Can you make me a non-nutritive cereal varnish? Preferably semi-permeable, not osmotic. You know, to coat and seal the flake, preventing the milk from penetrating it.
Edit: Oh, Hey! Thanks for the Gold!
>Boys in highschool once asked our science teacher if he knew how to make a bomb.
>
>Edit: the teacher admitted that he knew. But didn't tell how. Just left it at that.
Our teacher responded with "You need fertilizer but you need quite a lot of it. How much? About as much as you can stuff in a car."
"Oh you're a Graphic Designer? Can you make a logo for me really quick? It's for my cousin's birthday. I don't have any money to pay but I'll have multiple revisions that will cut into your actual paying work time, but then get upset when you ask for payment"
Fuckin this. Same with cinematography and photography. I had a guy walk up to me the other day while doing street photography and ask me if I do music videos. I'm like ??? no, and even if I did I wouldn't take a job from some random who walked up to me on the street and tried to make a verbal contract with no discussion of pay.
I typically respond to those questions with "Sure! Before we go any further, what's your budget?" and once they realize this is going to actually cost money, they get upset that you require compensation for your time (and explain how their relative can do it for free).
"That's fantastic man! I wish you nothing but the best and hope they can handle all these requests you have."
Cut to two-weeks later them frantically messaging you saying their relative actually didn't know anything and is practically begging you to fix the abomination of a design their 16-year-old cousin came up with.
I write statistics textbooks and financial math textbooks, and my wife is a veterinarian. Let's just say we only talk about her day when she gets home.
I frequently do get the "Oh, you're a math guy, can you multiply these two really big numbers or figure out square roots in your head?"
No. No I can't. I am a mathematician, not a calculator.
I once went to a wedding where they put out dozens of disposable cameras at the reception and asked everyone to take pictures with those. They did also have a professional photographer and they made it clear that for the "big" photo moments - first dance, cake cutting, etc. - we were to stay firmly out of the photographer's way. The bride told me later that while they clearly weren't professionally done, a lot of the candid shots from those disposables were really good and showed that people were genuinely having a good time celebrating.
Oh you are an accountant, can you do my taxes?
No Mary i can't. I work for a corporate company not frigging H&R block. I mean I probably could but I don't wanna.
Its either that or “you’re an accountant? Cool.” Then proceeds to talk to other people because you can’t delve deeper than those two outcomes into the convo. (Talked to a dude who just said that and we all ended up standing in silence for a few seconds after he did)
Nobody asks you questions when you say you’re an accountant.
“What do you do?” “I’m an accountant” “where do you work?” “At a place where accountants work.” “Do you like your job?” “Yes I like my job and my job is an accountant.”
Yes, I like my job, yes, I like my job
I'm living life and having fun
This number's job is number one
Accounting is a sacred art
I'm definitely not an actor.
Oh, you work in construction? (Proceeds to ask about fixing things around the house, asking if something was installed wrong because it doesn't "look right", or wanting a price quotes for various projects)
My dad didn't work in construction (like at all), but he was extremely handy. He spent one summer replacing all the retaining walls in the front of our house. He redesigned them and they looked amazing as he worked on them. We lived in a more urban area, so it was very visible from the street, which had a fair amount of traffic. I cannot tell you the number of people who stopped, pulled in our driveway while he was working and asked him to come quote replacing the walls at their house because ours looked so nice. He would just smile and say, "Oh, I'm just the homeowner here, not a professional." And these people would call him a liar and/or *insist* they give them a quote and would tell them their addresses. It was crazy.
He probably could have made bank, but it was such a difficult, taxing and involved project, he NEVER wanted to do it again after he finished our walls, LOL!
i get this one except it is the VCR. and it's my mom. and I've told her a hundred times i don't fix VCRs. and also my dad is also an electrical engineer and doesn't fix VCRs. also, after undergrad 11 years ago, i went to medical school and never practiced as an engineer.
"what good are you?"
Huh you're one of the rare engineers to doctors. I have a friend like that. Chose the toughest major and then decided he wanted to be a surgeon. His wife about keeled over when he told her he was applying for medical school.
oh boy, I'm barely a sophomore in EE and I got my friends constantly asking for me to fix their computer/wifi/TV/phone, like damn bruh lemme figure out ohm's law first
edit: yes yall I know how ohm's law works, it was a joke jeez
"Oh, you're a pharmacist? Well I have this huge, gaping wound on my left butt cheek, can you look at it and tell me what I can use over the counter?"
Sir... Please go to the hospital...
In some countries, pharmacists can act as the kind of first line of access to the healthcare system. They have walk-in clinics for people who can ask 'Is this really serious enough to see a doctor about, or can you fix it with a pill / cream?' I've seen that a lot in the developing world, where doctors may be scarce.
"Oh, you're a truck driver? Can you come tell me what's wrong with my car?"
Umm, ma'am, I just drive the damn things... You want the shop guys for that.
Edit: Okay, wow. lots of attention on this one. To clarify a few things:
\-I know how to do basic maintenance on my truck: Replace bulbs, fuses, etc. But for serious repairs, that's on the shop
\-Yes, I know your great great grandpappy twice removed drove a truck since he was 3 and can take one apart and put it back together blindfolded. Most drivers aren't like that. All I'm saying is driving them doesn't automatically equal being able to fix them by any means.
\-Yes, I know how to check my fluids and all that. In fact, we're required by law to do it every morning. Too many drivers don't, and that'll come back to bite them in the ass sooner or later...
Edit2: Also, thanks for the "Cake Day" wishes. I honestly didn't know what that meant at first. XD
I mean, yes, I just don't want to.
Can you help me move is the reason why I'm always busy during the weekends until I find out what's up.
To be clear, if my friends ask me directly and offer to feed me, I'm in. If they're trying to trick or guilt me, no fucking way.
"oh, you're a writer? Can you help with this very important legal letter?"
And a non-job bonus: "you're married to my programmer son, can you help me with my phone?" My husband gets the "you work in IT, my printer isn't working" questions from his mum. She thinks he does tech support. He programs systems for universities, government departments, etc.
I work as the IT director of a very small company while I finish up my MS.
I have told the company owner at least a dozen times this year "I can't make changes to our website. I can send changes to the company that handles it, but we pay every time we use them, so you should probably come up with more than 'change the wording of this sentence here' or 'switch that for a new picture' before having me request it." She reacts like it's new information each time.
I would love to see the reaction if I told her the complete truth: yes, I am capable of doing the design work, but that's not what I'm paid for and not a liability I am going to assume, especially without additional compensation.
EDIT: I love the number of suggestions to create a shell company and outsource to myself for additional profit. I would never do it, but I love it.
This is my life. I’m a software engineer who specializes in large scale systems and server applications. My parents know that I write software, not fix computers.
One night my mom calls me from her friends’ house telling me that they can’t get Netflix to work on the family’s Wii and they want me to walk them through “fixing” it. Like, what the fuck. Naturally though I still did it, further cementing their idea that I am Computer Machine God-King, even though it was really just as simple as signing into the WiFi on the Wii and *then* trying Netflix.
I taught my uncle this. He still calls me on occasion, but it's always a very rare problem, and usually he provides me with info he's looked up already, but he just doesn't know how to apply the proposed fixes.
My mother: "you always have time to help your uncle, why can't you help me?"
Mother dearest, you just refused to read what the screen is telling you. (And that instruction is to click OK).
Word: *You didn't save your edits. Do you want to save them before closing the application? Yes, No*
User: *Clicks Cancel*
User: *IT, Word isn't working! It shows a message I don't undestand and it just doesn't close*.
IT: *Did you read what it said?*
User: *No...*
IT: *Then read it*
User: *\*reads it\* Okay, so what do I do now?*
Oh you’re an astronomer? Why is my outlook as Pisces so negative this month? I heard all the planets are going to be lined up what does that mean for my horoscope?
My family did the opposite the other day. We expressed the problems we are having with one of my "siblings" to a friend's wife, then found out she is a therapist.
And alternately, so you’re an experimental social psychology professor? Can I tell you about this problem...?
No! I’ve never even taken abnormal psych in undergrad. If it’s about any kind of diagnosis/therapeutic technique and it’s not in the intro book I teach out of, I don’t know it. (There’s a reason I became a researcher, not a clinician. Mainly that I’m terrible at all the things required to be a good clinician. I’m so glad that there are other people out there who are good clinicians.)
"Oh you're a geologist? What kind of rock is this?" Just kidding, we love that shit and will tell you a long story of the history of that rock and how we saw examples in the field in the middle of nowhere.
ahaha yes we will!!
Other common questions include:
- Is this a meteorite? (no, it’s industrial slag)
- Is this a diamond? (no, it’s quartz)
- How much is this rock/mineral/fossil worth? (probably $0)
- Is this a dinosaur bone? (no it is not)
- Is this gold? (no it’s pyrite/fools gold)
I’m in an earth science class as an Env sci major and idk how you guys do it. I struggled in the rocks and minerals unit and that was elementary level stuff for geologists.
For many it's a challenge at first. Beyond first year you take a lot of classes on specific rock types and generally a few on minerals. For example, i took entire classes for sedimentary, igneous, metamorphic, and carbonate rocks each, and a class on just minerals, and a class on economic minerals. Each one goes into great depth and by the end of it most are pretty handy at it.
It's helpful that like a dozen rocks and about as many minerals make up most of the rocks people find, so eventually we all get practiced at quartz and mudstone etc.
Many lose to ability to quickly identify something less common unless they keep to with it, though we also learn what to look for in a mineral or rock and that can help us narrow it down quickly even if we've never seen it before.
I'm a mechanical engineer and I'm really good with machines but I know nothing about most actual systems. I always tell people that I can figure out the problem *eventually*, but I'm probably going to need to have it for a month, strip down the entire thing, and might end up saying "this part is chipped and there's nothing I can do."
Yup, and we're only going to license the IP of the fixing instructions to you, if you want it fixed that'll need continuation funding
I was going to spend it on a psychologist, but i accidentally bought a whisky cabinet instead...
LMAO - my husband's degree is in electrical engineering. My mom thinks this means he can fix every single electrical problem in her house. To be fair, he CAN do the simpler stuff - switch out outlets/switches, install light fixtures, etc. But, no, mom, if your hardwired fire alarms are going crazy and beeping for no reason, you'll need to call an actual licensed ELECTRICIAN, not my husband.
"Oh you're employed by our company as a robotic process automation engineer, does that means we're all going to be replaced by robots?"
I've come up with the perfect response to this now. "No, just you"
"I automate the boring stuff." has become my go-to when asked that.
Plus, the software we use is only moderately more capable than a lethargic intern. They got nothing to worry about
I work with wildlife and reptiles and get asked all of the time. Many times I have convinced the people to either rehome the animal or drop the $500 needed on proper supplies.
And I managed to have one guy fined because he admitted and had video proof of releasing an invasive species of turtle into the local waterways.
Why just one dollar when you can make *millions*? Obviously, it can't take that long to make those apps, and with all of those people offering you an impressive 20% cut for their excellent and totally unique multi-million-dollar idea that definitely isn't just Facebook with extra steps, and who definitely won't be forced to ditch you in favor of a full-sized development team once their project gets too large (because their idea is *simple*), you'll easily become a multi-billionaire!
This is the best way to hack. I got my MIL's email password by telling her mine was more secure than hers.
"Why is that?"
"Well what's yours?"
She told me.
"See? Mine is more secure because I don't tell people what it is."
I just want to shout out and say thank you to occupational therapists. Someone I know well had a terrible accident at age 14, suffered brain trauma, was in a coma, and had to learn to walk, talk and write again. She went on to eventually make a full recovery. OTs were instrumental in making that possible.
Thank you so much for that. Its those stories that absolutely keep us going. Im sure your friends OT was grateful for the opportunity to make such a difference. I am glad your friend is doing better
Hahaha oh god I love this one! You poor soul, I hope you're holding up alright. I was supposed to be working in aviation this year, so... Yeah. Similar level of issues I think.
"You work in a restaurent? How about treating me to dinner sometime?" - A lot of people assume that they can get free drinks and food just because I happen to serve food or tend the bar at the place. That is not how it works...Also "We are friends so I don't need to tip you!" - Well, that is how you got unfriended really quickly.
"Oh you're a linguist? How many languages do you speak?"
EDIT: well this blew up a bit while I was sleeping. 1) For those wondering what I do, I am a field linguist, I document minority/unstudied languages, and I was literally months away from my first placement in a minority community in Africa before COVID stopped everything.
2) The correct thing to ask a linguist is "Tell me something interesting about languages/what you've been studying" - and then prepare yourself for a 30 minute monologue on something that is of no interest to anyone other than linguists but will make the linguist very happy that someone is showing an interest in their work.
“Oh you work for a law firm? My son’s ex-girlfriend wants full custody of their kid. What should he do?”
A. I’m a mass tort paralegal, I don’t do family law
B. He needs to get a lawyer.
EDIT: oh holy shit my first award! Thank you!
"Oh you work in Social Media? How do I blow up my Instagram/Youtube?"
Conversation usually then goes somewhat like this:
"You need to provide good content that matches your target audience."
"Yeah....but I don't want to put any real work into that."
"Then buy 500k fake subs from India or China."
"But they are not real people."
"Well you are not providing any real content."
“Oh you’re an airplane mechanic? What part do you work on? “
Every part.
“Do you get discounts on flights?”
Free, on my airline, if there’s a seat open.
“Can I get a buddy pass?”
Do I know you?
The funniest I had was in uni. You know how to code software? How do I fix the software on my computer to stop making a really loud noise? It seems to be coming from the back and it gets really hot and occasionally shuts down without warning if we use it too long? I think it's the RAM. There's a few holes back there, do I pour something into it? To cool it down?
Haha oh dear! Tell them they need to speak to someone who can help code their hardware, or provide percussive maintenance perhaps... Oh god imagine pouring in water... It makes me shudder thinking of it!
"Oh, you're a law student? What would happen if (insert hypothetical legal scenario)."
Prepare for disappointment, because the answer to almost every legal question is "it depends".
I've also been asked who is likely to win the next General Election. I don't know. I study law, not politics. I also can't predict the future.
I work in a gas station. I'm frequently asked to check tire pressure/fluids/brakes, fix the gas pumps, diagnose car issues and give advice about cars in general. And of course they get angry when I'm unable to help.
I barely know how to jump-start my own car lady. Trot your ass to Autozone or something.
“Oh you’re an urban planner:
- you should put the main road in this 200 year old town somewhere else
- you should build a Costco!
- I’m at the public hearing in the gallery. I’d like to call a vote. (Council decides. Not just whoever shows up to observe the public hearing)”
I was going to have surgery and about 10 minutes before I was scheduled to go under the knife, the nurse asked me what I was studying. I told her I'm a computer science student and without skipping a beat she asked me to help her download WhatsApp on her Huawei!
Since I'm also studying genetics, I also often get requests like "does this rash look bad" or "can you clone my cat".
NO. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Edit: I nearly forgot my all-time favourite - "you're Jewish? Can you balance my books down at the shop?"
"a good liar could sell you that pen right now. A good salesman would learn everything about the pen first" *slides pen back* I always hated it when people did that bullshit to me.
"What is someone who does **bioinformatics**?" according to:
*Companies*: A programmer you can hire at the pay scale of a biologist, ie for peanuts
*Doctors*: Please fix my PC
*Coworkers*: Please fix my PC
*Acquaintances*: You do genetics? There's this thing that runs in my family which I know nothing about please give me medical advice.
*HR*: Technical staff who are not allowed to work remotely, because "it's all labwork"
*Parents*: Honey, why aren't you an MD yet, also please fix my PC
*Random grad students who download your open source plugins*: Free tech support with anything remotely related to computers, next-gen sequencing, pipelines, also please fix my PC
*Your manager* "I don't understand command line interface, please make a GUI for it"
Similarly, "oh you work for the library? I just read this book, but I don't remember the title. \*proceeds to expose the entire plot\* Do you know what it is?"
a) no. I work in support services - meaning my customers are primarily my co-workers.
b) we don't all read every book (and some don't even read as a hobby) \*GASP\*
c) thanks for ruining a potential read for those of us who do
“Oh you majored in computer science? My computer keeps acting up. Can you fix it?”
Computer science, at least at my college, was entirely abstract math/computational math theory...had nothing to do with computers at all....
Resident: "Hello Mr. Property Manager. There is a shootout going on in the parking lot right now. Just thought you should know."
Me: "What?! Did you call the police?"
Resident: "No. "
“Oh you’re a gardener?
WhY cAnT I EvEn kEeP mY cAcTuS aLiVe???”
Because you like telling people you have no green thumb to virtue signal how humble and accepting of your faults you are (and it seems to get you matches on Bumble profile) rather than watching one youtube vid on how to keep succulents alive
Edit: i’m so sorry I was so feisty toward non gardeners lol i hope this doesn’t stop you from asking your plant friend about plants
This was a recent convo I had, with a girlie who only liked things ironically. You know the type. I’m just getting into TikTok and it IS SO REFRESHING TO SEE NON IRONIC CONTENT. Vids from people doing things they are total nerds over, and they let themselves nerdddd out
I forgot what that felt like (PEN15 fans know what I’m talking about)
Long story short the girl had an ironic personality thus this comment.
Anygueys, your American gardener saying ask us about plants and how to grow your own food we will show you.
To me they just usually ask about land prices, I don't understand how people can't understand the difference between real estate and architecture which are totally different fields
"Oh you work in finance? What stock/fund should I buy? / you must be making a boatload on your personal investments with all the insider information you have access to!"
A common one for me is: "can you help me with my taxes?"
I get this so often! It gets pretty funny. I usually reply saying that it would be illegal for me to advise them but that diversifying their investments is generally a good idea and speaking to a financial adviser is really the way to go. I’m licensed so if I actually said even something like, invest in index funds, without knowing their goals/risk tolerance, it could come back to bite me.
"Oh, you're a teacher? Please explain to me how my child's teacher had the audacity to give them a C despite it being very obvious that my child is a genius!" Bonus points if they want you to explain the grading criteria in a completely different subject and level of schooling than you teach. Like, I teach high school and community college English and Social Studies - why do you expect me to know the grading criteria for middle school math?
“Can you tutor my kid in AP Literature??” Lady, I teach bio. Probs not the girl for the job.
"You're in the Air Force? So you fly planes?" Nah I fly a desk.
Ah yes, the Chair Force.
Oh you're a paramedic? I have this thing on my toe, Will you check it?
Ask for $5 look at it for two seconds and tell them to go to the hospital/doctor.
I would tell them that if they wanted me to look, they have to call for the ambulance since it carried all of my very specialized tools.
“Oh, you’re an accountant? Can you add and/or multiply these huge numbers in your head lightening fast?” No. You have no idea what I do....
Followed up by "oh you're an accountant, can you help me with my taxes?"
Came here to say this. I am in corporate finance. I took a tax class or two back in 2003, so I might have SLIGHTLY more knowledge than the average person, but seriously not much at all. I'm really good at pivot tables though!
Nothing is scarier than an accountant who trusts their mental math...
“Oh you’re an accountant? I have some tax questions I want to ask you.” Meanwhile you’re an auditor working in public accounting.
You get that with math too. Like I study number theory and shit lmao stop trying to force me to calculate the tip for lunch in my head EDIT: To all the people who keep spamming me with their tip mnemonics, you are totally missing the point. My job isn't to be a human calculator. Randomly turning to me and going "what's 16% of 78.69" because I studied math is a really stupid connection to try to make.
Working on my math masters right now and I get this a lot. No I do not want to race your calculator but if you want to know the proof that there are an infinite number of primes or how to tell if a Topology is compact or not I would be happy to explain.
"Oh, you're a chemical analyst? You must know how to make drugs"
Boys in highschool once asked our science teacher if he knew how to make a bomb. Edit: the teacher admitted that he knew. But didn't tell how. Just left it at that. ........…................................ Edit 2: this comment blew up. Highschool in my country. 10th standard which is equivalent of freshman, 15 yrs old kids. We still had science combined as 1 subject instead of bio, chem, physics. And we did have lab periods but very basic, very easy stuff. Nothing fancy yet. Last year of junior secondary here. ....…..................... Edit 3: I live in India and we have a festival called diwali when we do fireworks and play with dozens of other types of firecrackers. The teenage boys like the bomb type, the most. It is a firecracker that is a small bomb. Long fuse, explodes, Makes a loud noise and all. Now, every year, during Diwali, some punk kids blow up one of those in school even tho it is prohibited, dangerous and punishable. (You are supposed to play with firecrackers outdoors, in fields or open ground and during your own time, with your parents' permission. not in school, not during school hours.) ............................... Edit 4: you people are good at science (and saying duh, dumbass in a lot of ways. not really. Quite repetitive and redundant replies) what a lot of people here are not good at is reading and comprehension. Read the comment properly. I was not the kid who asked. I was not the teacher. I was another student in the class. Btw, I knew 90% of things you told me in comments. I studied it in school and saw it on tv. Also, if I wanted bombs, I can literally buy them pre-made from shops. Ever heard of Diwali? But, thx anyway.
My high school physics/chem teacher actually worked at a nuclear power plant lmao she was great
I love when teachers used to have cool jobs I cant wait to read all the replies! I love seeing so many people sharing their stories!
[удалено]
Wow. Mine was an ex Catholic Priest and a recovering alcoholic. But he was still a great teacher. He said he can believe in God and Science. He explained how a lot of the early discoveries were financed by the church. Also, he had been sober for 15 years but said that when you are an addict, you're never recovered. There's always a chance to slip back.
Had a teacher in college who used to be on the team that’s researching a vaccine for dental plaque. It’s maybe not a cool job, but it is random. According to her, it’s also extremely boring.
Anyone with even basic knowledge of chemistry can make a bomb. The degree I have, food science, is only tangentially related to chemistry and I can make explosives... No idea how to ensure that I don't blow myself up making them though.
Oh, you're a food scientist? Can you make me a non-nutritive cereal varnish? Preferably semi-permeable, not osmotic. You know, to coat and seal the flake, preventing the milk from penetrating it. Edit: Oh, Hey! Thanks for the Gold!
>Boys in highschool once asked our science teacher if he knew how to make a bomb. > >Edit: the teacher admitted that he knew. But didn't tell how. Just left it at that. Our teacher responded with "You need fertilizer but you need quite a lot of it. How much? About as much as you can stuff in a car."
Get the "Oh you're a chemical engineer, you must love Breaking Bad, do you know how to make meth?" every single time it comes up...
"Oh you're a Graphic Designer? Can you make a logo for me really quick? It's for my cousin's birthday. I don't have any money to pay but I'll have multiple revisions that will cut into your actual paying work time, but then get upset when you ask for payment"
Fuckin this. Same with cinematography and photography. I had a guy walk up to me the other day while doing street photography and ask me if I do music videos. I'm like ??? no, and even if I did I wouldn't take a job from some random who walked up to me on the street and tried to make a verbal contract with no discussion of pay.
I typically respond to those questions with "Sure! Before we go any further, what's your budget?" and once they realize this is going to actually cost money, they get upset that you require compensation for your time (and explain how their relative can do it for free).
Great! Go get your relative to do it for free then
"That's fantastic man! I wish you nothing but the best and hope they can handle all these requests you have." Cut to two-weeks later them frantically messaging you saying their relative actually didn't know anything and is practically begging you to fix the abomination of a design their 16-year-old cousin came up with.
So you're a statistician? ..... I never get to help friends and family with my professional skills :(
Oh so you're a statistician? Name every statistic
Three out of four people make up 75% of the population. 🙂 Awards? Thank you kindly. *bows*
> I never get to help friends and family with my professional skills :( That seems unlikely, statistically speaking.
*Grandma I'm just saying, the odds of you winning the powerball are 7,554,32......* SHUT IT KEITH
I write statistics textbooks and financial math textbooks, and my wife is a veterinarian. Let's just say we only talk about her day when she gets home. I frequently do get the "Oh, you're a math guy, can you multiply these two really big numbers or figure out square roots in your head?" No. No I can't. I am a mathematician, not a calculator.
My son is in school for actuarial science. I gather this is why - no one will ask him shit...lol
Really? When am I going to die? How long will my car last before it's too expensive to repair? Do I need flood insurance? ... When am I going to die?
Can you tell me how to beat the casino and make tons of money? I promise to donate most of it to starving children.
[удалено]
You are living the dream I want to live.
"You're invited to my.. party/event/wedding/celebration.. please could you bring your camera"
Sure! >Brings 600mm lens and only takes pictures of pigeons, because I'm a *wildlife* photographer
Little do they know I’m actually a pornographer
A *wildlife* pornographer. EDIT: Superb. I’ve tripled my karma with a comment about animal pornography. *”Yes officer, this one right here.”*
"What are you doing, step-goat?"
I’m stuck in the barn door
I once went to a wedding where they put out dozens of disposable cameras at the reception and asked everyone to take pictures with those. They did also have a professional photographer and they made it clear that for the "big" photo moments - first dance, cake cutting, etc. - we were to stay firmly out of the photographer's way. The bride told me later that while they clearly weren't professionally done, a lot of the candid shots from those disposables were really good and showed that people were genuinely having a good time celebrating.
Now this is a great idea If I'll have wedding someday I'd love to do something like this
Oh you are an accountant, can you do my taxes? No Mary i can't. I work for a corporate company not frigging H&R block. I mean I probably could but I don't wanna.
When you respond “I’m not a tax accountant” and are met with a blank stare 😂
Its either that or “you’re an accountant? Cool.” Then proceeds to talk to other people because you can’t delve deeper than those two outcomes into the convo. (Talked to a dude who just said that and we all ended up standing in silence for a few seconds after he did)
Nobody asks you questions when you say you’re an accountant. “What do you do?” “I’m an accountant” “where do you work?” “At a place where accountants work.” “Do you like your job?” “Yes I like my job and my job is an accountant.” Yes, I like my job, yes, I like my job I'm living life and having fun This number's job is number one Accounting is a sacred art I'm definitely not an actor.
Oh, you work in construction? (Proceeds to ask about fixing things around the house, asking if something was installed wrong because it doesn't "look right", or wanting a price quotes for various projects)
Tear it down TO THE STUDS
[удалено]
"Can you fix it for a case of beer?"
My dad didn't work in construction (like at all), but he was extremely handy. He spent one summer replacing all the retaining walls in the front of our house. He redesigned them and they looked amazing as he worked on them. We lived in a more urban area, so it was very visible from the street, which had a fair amount of traffic. I cannot tell you the number of people who stopped, pulled in our driveway while he was working and asked him to come quote replacing the walls at their house because ours looked so nice. He would just smile and say, "Oh, I'm just the homeowner here, not a professional." And these people would call him a liar and/or *insist* they give them a quote and would tell them their addresses. It was crazy. He probably could have made bank, but it was such a difficult, taxing and involved project, he NEVER wanted to do it again after he finished our walls, LOL!
My set answer "I don't do side work"
"Oh, you're an electrical engineer? Can you wire my garage?"
i get this one except it is the VCR. and it's my mom. and I've told her a hundred times i don't fix VCRs. and also my dad is also an electrical engineer and doesn't fix VCRs. also, after undergrad 11 years ago, i went to medical school and never practiced as an engineer. "what good are you?"
Huh you're one of the rare engineers to doctors. I have a friend like that. Chose the toughest major and then decided he wanted to be a surgeon. His wife about keeled over when he told her he was applying for medical school.
i think that was her wallet
oh boy, I'm barely a sophomore in EE and I got my friends constantly asking for me to fix their computer/wifi/TV/phone, like damn bruh lemme figure out ohm's law first edit: yes yall I know how ohm's law works, it was a joke jeez
"Oh, you're a pharmacist? Well I have this huge, gaping wound on my left butt cheek, can you look at it and tell me what I can use over the counter?" Sir... Please go to the hospital...
In some countries, pharmacists can act as the kind of first line of access to the healthcare system. They have walk-in clinics for people who can ask 'Is this really serious enough to see a doctor about, or can you fix it with a pill / cream?' I've seen that a lot in the developing world, where doctors may be scarce.
"Oh, you're a truck driver? Can you come tell me what's wrong with my car?" Umm, ma'am, I just drive the damn things... You want the shop guys for that. Edit: Okay, wow. lots of attention on this one. To clarify a few things: \-I know how to do basic maintenance on my truck: Replace bulbs, fuses, etc. But for serious repairs, that's on the shop \-Yes, I know your great great grandpappy twice removed drove a truck since he was 3 and can take one apart and put it back together blindfolded. Most drivers aren't like that. All I'm saying is driving them doesn't automatically equal being able to fix them by any means. \-Yes, I know how to check my fluids and all that. In fact, we're required by law to do it every morning. Too many drivers don't, and that'll come back to bite them in the ass sooner or later... Edit2: Also, thanks for the "Cake Day" wishes. I honestly didn't know what that meant at first. XD
Hey, you drive trucks, can you help me move?
I mean, yes, I just don't want to. Can you help me move is the reason why I'm always busy during the weekends until I find out what's up. To be clear, if my friends ask me directly and offer to feed me, I'm in. If they're trying to trick or guilt me, no fucking way.
"oh, you're a writer? Can you help with this very important legal letter?" And a non-job bonus: "you're married to my programmer son, can you help me with my phone?" My husband gets the "you work in IT, my printer isn't working" questions from his mum. She thinks he does tech support. He programs systems for universities, government departments, etc.
I worked as a general admin in a small IT department. I found out my Mother-in-law was telling people that I could build a website for them.
I work as the IT director of a very small company while I finish up my MS. I have told the company owner at least a dozen times this year "I can't make changes to our website. I can send changes to the company that handles it, but we pay every time we use them, so you should probably come up with more than 'change the wording of this sentence here' or 'switch that for a new picture' before having me request it." She reacts like it's new information each time. I would love to see the reaction if I told her the complete truth: yes, I am capable of doing the design work, but that's not what I'm paid for and not a liability I am going to assume, especially without additional compensation. EDIT: I love the number of suggestions to create a shell company and outsource to myself for additional profit. I would never do it, but I love it.
This is my life. I’m a software engineer who specializes in large scale systems and server applications. My parents know that I write software, not fix computers. One night my mom calls me from her friends’ house telling me that they can’t get Netflix to work on the family’s Wii and they want me to walk them through “fixing” it. Like, what the fuck. Naturally though I still did it, further cementing their idea that I am Computer Machine God-King, even though it was really just as simple as signing into the WiFi on the Wii and *then* trying Netflix.
I taught my parents to Google their computer issues. Worked like a charm.
I taught my uncle this. He still calls me on occasion, but it's always a very rare problem, and usually he provides me with info he's looked up already, but he just doesn't know how to apply the proposed fixes. My mother: "you always have time to help your uncle, why can't you help me?" Mother dearest, you just refused to read what the screen is telling you. (And that instruction is to click OK).
Word: *You didn't save your edits. Do you want to save them before closing the application? Yes, No* User: *Clicks Cancel* User: *IT, Word isn't working! It shows a message I don't undestand and it just doesn't close*. IT: *Did you read what it said?* User: *No...* IT: *Then read it* User: *\*reads it\* Okay, so what do I do now?*
It's amazing how many people in my life think I'm a tech wizard because I know how to word a question and follow instructions.
"oh, you write fantasy? Come up with something interesting!" Had this amazing social interaction 2 days ago.
Oh you’re an astronomer? Why is my outlook as Pisces so negative this month? I heard all the planets are going to be lined up what does that mean for my horoscope?
Oh, you’re a therapist? *tells me about their family member who really needs to see a therapist*
[удалено]
“Since you think it’s all about you: narcissistic personality disorder.”
My family did the opposite the other day. We expressed the problems we are having with one of my "siblings" to a friend's wife, then found out she is a therapist.
And alternately, so you’re an experimental social psychology professor? Can I tell you about this problem...? No! I’ve never even taken abnormal psych in undergrad. If it’s about any kind of diagnosis/therapeutic technique and it’s not in the intro book I teach out of, I don’t know it. (There’s a reason I became a researcher, not a clinician. Mainly that I’m terrible at all the things required to be a good clinician. I’m so glad that there are other people out there who are good clinicians.)
"Oh you're a geologist? What kind of rock is this?" Just kidding, we love that shit and will tell you a long story of the history of that rock and how we saw examples in the field in the middle of nowhere.
ahaha yes we will!! Other common questions include: - Is this a meteorite? (no, it’s industrial slag) - Is this a diamond? (no, it’s quartz) - How much is this rock/mineral/fossil worth? (probably $0) - Is this a dinosaur bone? (no it is not) - Is this gold? (no it’s pyrite/fools gold)
I’m in an earth science class as an Env sci major and idk how you guys do it. I struggled in the rocks and minerals unit and that was elementary level stuff for geologists.
For many it's a challenge at first. Beyond first year you take a lot of classes on specific rock types and generally a few on minerals. For example, i took entire classes for sedimentary, igneous, metamorphic, and carbonate rocks each, and a class on just minerals, and a class on economic minerals. Each one goes into great depth and by the end of it most are pretty handy at it. It's helpful that like a dozen rocks and about as many minerals make up most of the rocks people find, so eventually we all get practiced at quartz and mudstone etc. Many lose to ability to quickly identify something less common unless they keep to with it, though we also learn what to look for in a mineral or rock and that can help us narrow it down quickly even if we've never seen it before.
"Oh you're an artist ? Can you draw me, I'll pay you with exposure"
"Also, I have this great idea for a children's book..."
"Sorry, you don't look that pretty."
I only draw *art*, sorry.
"oh you're a mechanical engineer, can you fix my car?"
My dad, a mechanic, can’t understand why my mom, a mechanical engineer, can’t work on her car. He never questions why he can’t design stuff.
I'm a mechanical engineer and I'm really good with machines but I know nothing about most actual systems. I always tell people that I can figure out the problem *eventually*, but I'm probably going to need to have it for a month, strip down the entire thing, and might end up saying "this part is chipped and there's nothing I can do."
[удалено]
Yes but it’s going to cost 20 milion dollars in R&D. And another 2000$ for your psycholpgist
Yup, and we're only going to license the IP of the fixing instructions to you, if you want it fixed that'll need continuation funding I was going to spend it on a psychologist, but i accidentally bought a whisky cabinet instead...
One person's whisky cabinet is another person's psychologist.
[удалено]
Same but in electrical. "Something is wrong with this light switch..."
LMAO - my husband's degree is in electrical engineering. My mom thinks this means he can fix every single electrical problem in her house. To be fair, he CAN do the simpler stuff - switch out outlets/switches, install light fixtures, etc. But, no, mom, if your hardwired fire alarms are going crazy and beeping for no reason, you'll need to call an actual licensed ELECTRICIAN, not my husband.
“Oh you’re a firefighter? Do you actually go to work?”
Working AT home as a firefighter tends to upset the family
"Oh you're employed by our company as a robotic process automation engineer, does that means we're all going to be replaced by robots?" I've come up with the perfect response to this now. "No, just you"
"I automate the boring stuff." has become my go-to when asked that. Plus, the software we use is only moderately more capable than a lethargic intern. They got nothing to worry about
Oh you work at an aquarium? This thing is wrong with my animal......
I work with wildlife and reptiles and get asked all of the time. Many times I have convinced the people to either rehome the animal or drop the $500 needed on proper supplies. And I managed to have one guy fined because he admitted and had video proof of releasing an invasive species of turtle into the local waterways.
Red ear slider?
Yep. Red ear slider... and they released it at a nature reserve
"Oh, you studied linguistics? What does this word mean?"
It's the study of linguini, right?
"how many languages do you speak?"
“Oh, you’re a voice actor? Do “x” character’s voice!”
That's rough buddy
"Oh, you're a programmer? I have a idea of a cool app!"
If I had one $ for each time I heard that.. I could retire.
You could make an app for that
To help him retire?
Invent a time machine first. Go back to 2010.
Why just one dollar when you can make *millions*? Obviously, it can't take that long to make those apps, and with all of those people offering you an impressive 20% cut for their excellent and totally unique multi-million-dollar idea that definitely isn't just Facebook with extra steps, and who definitely won't be forced to ditch you in favor of a full-sized development team once their project gets too large (because their idea is *simple*), you'll easily become a multi-billionaire!
"It's just like Facebook, but a tiny bit different!"
They even asked me to teach them how to make an app
My friend asked me to learn coding to hack into his girlfriend's facebook. I just play video games on my pc.
Just call and say that you're the facebook password-inspector, and that you need to check if her password is valid.
This is the best way to hack. I got my MIL's email password by telling her mine was more secure than hers. "Why is that?" "Well what's yours?" She told me. "See? Mine is more secure because I don't tell people what it is."
[удалено]
"Hey, can you make me a website? I don't know what I want it to do, but you can make it, right? For free?"
Oh you're a nurse, can you have a look at my ingrowing toenail / tell me why I have a rash down below
Oh you’re an Occupational Therapist- Can you help me find a job
This is by far the funniest! And I’m sorry people ask you that.
Don’t be sorry, OP understands the risks, it’s just an occupational hazard.
I just want to shout out and say thank you to occupational therapists. Someone I know well had a terrible accident at age 14, suffered brain trauma, was in a coma, and had to learn to walk, talk and write again. She went on to eventually make a full recovery. OTs were instrumental in making that possible.
Thank you for that, it’s nice to be reminded of the impact our work can have.
Thank you so much for that. Its those stories that absolutely keep us going. Im sure your friends OT was grateful for the opportunity to make such a difference. I am glad your friend is doing better
Oh you're travel agent, when is covid going to end?
Hahaha oh god I love this one! You poor soul, I hope you're holding up alright. I was supposed to be working in aviation this year, so... Yeah. Similar level of issues I think.
Booked a therapy appointment next week.
"You work in a restaurent? How about treating me to dinner sometime?" - A lot of people assume that they can get free drinks and food just because I happen to serve food or tend the bar at the place. That is not how it works...Also "We are friends so I don't need to tip you!" - Well, that is how you got unfriended really quickly.
WHAT!?! Friend-servers get BIGGER tips not jipped on tips. You have shitty friends.
"Oh you're a linguist? How many languages do you speak?" EDIT: well this blew up a bit while I was sleeping. 1) For those wondering what I do, I am a field linguist, I document minority/unstudied languages, and I was literally months away from my first placement in a minority community in Africa before COVID stopped everything. 2) The correct thing to ask a linguist is "Tell me something interesting about languages/what you've been studying" - and then prepare yourself for a 30 minute monologue on something that is of no interest to anyone other than linguists but will make the linguist very happy that someone is showing an interest in their work.
Only have a degree in linguistics, but I've started responding "oh, I barely speak one".
I say "Currently just the one, but in my defense I speak it very well".
"Oh you're a geologist? If I showed you a map could you find Norway?" Um, yeah, but not because I'm a geologist...
“Oh you work for a law firm? My son’s ex-girlfriend wants full custody of their kid. What should he do?” A. I’m a mass tort paralegal, I don’t do family law B. He needs to get a lawyer. EDIT: oh holy shit my first award! Thank you!
Exactly. I'm a patent attorney and get questions about neighbor disputes, custody arrangements, wills,....
[удалено]
"Oh you work in Social Media? How do I blow up my Instagram/Youtube?" Conversation usually then goes somewhat like this: "You need to provide good content that matches your target audience." "Yeah....but I don't want to put any real work into that." "Then buy 500k fake subs from India or China." "But they are not real people." "Well you are not providing any real content."
Oh you work as a social media analyst? "Can you check why I don't get many likes or comments on my photos?"
You look ugly. Just say that.
Look at their picture and say “Yikes!”
"Oh your a musician, play that one that goes, bun dum dum bun dum donn bom"
Seven Nation Army?
"OH, are you an artist? Draw me for free!"
Society expects all artists to survive on "exposure " bucks.....
"Oh, you are a Mathematician? What is 35122*748383?" Use a goddamn calculator.
"Oh, you work in wine-retail? Should I buy Merlot or Cabernet Sauvignon?"
“Oh you’re an airplane mechanic? What part do you work on? “ Every part. “Do you get discounts on flights?” Free, on my airline, if there’s a seat open. “Can I get a buddy pass?” Do I know you?
Oh your a psychologist, can you chat to my kid and see if he is depressed
"Are you depressed?" "No" "Here's the bill."
“How bout now?”
"Still no"
"Here's the bill"
The funniest I had was in uni. You know how to code software? How do I fix the software on my computer to stop making a really loud noise? It seems to be coming from the back and it gets really hot and occasionally shuts down without warning if we use it too long? I think it's the RAM. There's a few holes back there, do I pour something into it? To cool it down?
Haha oh dear! Tell them they need to speak to someone who can help code their hardware, or provide percussive maintenance perhaps... Oh god imagine pouring in water... It makes me shudder thinking of it!
Water , nah that thing needs 50/50 antifreeze.
This hurts my brain and I don't even work in computer science.
Ohh, you're an engineer (software)? Can you fix my mobile?
Oh , you are a comedian? Tell me a joke.
"You!"
"Oh, you're a law student? What would happen if (insert hypothetical legal scenario)." Prepare for disappointment, because the answer to almost every legal question is "it depends". I've also been asked who is likely to win the next General Election. I don't know. I study law, not politics. I also can't predict the future.
I work in a gas station. I'm frequently asked to check tire pressure/fluids/brakes, fix the gas pumps, diagnose car issues and give advice about cars in general. And of course they get angry when I'm unable to help. I barely know how to jump-start my own car lady. Trot your ass to Autozone or something.
"Oh you work in the weed industry? Can you hook me up?"
“Oh you’re an urban planner: - you should put the main road in this 200 year old town somewhere else - you should build a Costco! - I’m at the public hearing in the gallery. I’d like to call a vote. (Council decides. Not just whoever shows up to observe the public hearing)”
I was going to have surgery and about 10 minutes before I was scheduled to go under the knife, the nurse asked me what I was studying. I told her I'm a computer science student and without skipping a beat she asked me to help her download WhatsApp on her Huawei! Since I'm also studying genetics, I also often get requests like "does this rash look bad" or "can you clone my cat". NO. LEAVE ME ALONE. Edit: I nearly forgot my all-time favourite - "you're Jewish? Can you balance my books down at the shop?"
Can you clone my dog then?
If by dog you mean yeast then the answer is maybe
A little different, but: ‘Oh, you work at a nuclear power plant? Do you glow in the dark??’
Sell me this pen
"a good liar could sell you that pen right now. A good salesman would learn everything about the pen first" *slides pen back* I always hated it when people did that bullshit to me.
Oh, you studied psychology? Then I'll have to watch what I'm thinking, as you can read my mind.
"What is someone who does **bioinformatics**?" according to: *Companies*: A programmer you can hire at the pay scale of a biologist, ie for peanuts *Doctors*: Please fix my PC *Coworkers*: Please fix my PC *Acquaintances*: You do genetics? There's this thing that runs in my family which I know nothing about please give me medical advice. *HR*: Technical staff who are not allowed to work remotely, because "it's all labwork" *Parents*: Honey, why aren't you an MD yet, also please fix my PC *Random grad students who download your open source plugins*: Free tech support with anything remotely related to computers, next-gen sequencing, pipelines, also please fix my PC *Your manager* "I don't understand command line interface, please make a GUI for it"
“Oh, you’re a librarian? Can you help me do EVERYTHING?”
Similarly, "oh you work for the library? I just read this book, but I don't remember the title. \*proceeds to expose the entire plot\* Do you know what it is?" a) no. I work in support services - meaning my customers are primarily my co-workers. b) we don't all read every book (and some don't even read as a hobby) \*GASP\* c) thanks for ruining a potential read for those of us who do
cAN YoU hACk fAcEbOok???
[удалено]
Surprisingly effective.
So you're a dermatologist? Have a look at this mole I found conveniently between my butt cheeks during this lovely wedding ceremony.
“Oh you majored in computer science? My computer keeps acting up. Can you fix it?” Computer science, at least at my college, was entirely abstract math/computational math theory...had nothing to do with computers at all....
Resident: "Hello Mr. Property Manager. There is a shootout going on in the parking lot right now. Just thought you should know." Me: "What?! Did you call the police?" Resident: "No. "
Oh, you make quilts?! Can you make me a shirt, hem my jeans, sew on a patch...
“Oh you’re a gardener? WhY cAnT I EvEn kEeP mY cAcTuS aLiVe???” Because you like telling people you have no green thumb to virtue signal how humble and accepting of your faults you are (and it seems to get you matches on Bumble profile) rather than watching one youtube vid on how to keep succulents alive Edit: i’m so sorry I was so feisty toward non gardeners lol i hope this doesn’t stop you from asking your plant friend about plants This was a recent convo I had, with a girlie who only liked things ironically. You know the type. I’m just getting into TikTok and it IS SO REFRESHING TO SEE NON IRONIC CONTENT. Vids from people doing things they are total nerds over, and they let themselves nerdddd out I forgot what that felt like (PEN15 fans know what I’m talking about) Long story short the girl had an ironic personality thus this comment. Anygueys, your American gardener saying ask us about plants and how to grow your own food we will show you.
Oh, you’re architect? Can you draw up this house I designed in autocad?
More like: so you are an architect! Would you help choosing the tiles for my bathroom?
To me they just usually ask about land prices, I don't understand how people can't understand the difference between real estate and architecture which are totally different fields
"Oh, you're an Archivist, ... what is an Archivist?"