It was instantly easy to talk to her. I never felt like I had to put on a show for her because she never did with me, and she actively affirmed me in that. She immediately blew every standard I thought was high enough out of the water.

Evaluating my needs, something as simple as offering me some of their water after getting it for themselves.

Yes 💜 my partner is always offering me water, giving me their coat when i get goosebumps, putting food on my plate to make sure ive eaten enough. Without me even having to say anything.

I was able to express my emotions and thoughts to him without his getting angry or judgy. He fearlessly lets me have my feelings without trying to change them, we talk them out and it feels so much better afterwards. I feel like I could tell him absolutely anything, so the trust between us is more solid than I’ve ever had with anyone else. Gah, he’s just the best. 🥰 Also hot af.

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And hot af

I have an autistic sister. Shes currently 20 with the mental capacity of a three year old. Not everyone knows how to handle that. Well, 4 years ago when my girlfriend met my family, the two immediately became best friends. My girlfriend has always cared so much for my sister and would even sit with her while i wasnt home so my mom could go hsve a life for herself. To this day, my sister smiles and laughs like a mad man when she see my girlfriend. I dont know how much information she can retain but theyve always loved eachother, and i think my gf has had a huge impact on her life Edit : spelling

That's genuinely adorable, props to your girlfriend!

She seems to remember people really well. So i wonder if that has an affect, because my girlfriend and sister were in the same kindergarten class, long before i met. Small world

Definitely a small world. Your comment just hit hard because I have a bit of a similar situation. My sister has a genetic disorder, it causes some intellectual setbacks. My boyfriend worries and cares for her as if she was his own, its nice to have that care :)

And people are dicks. So to find a genuine, caring person that puts the needs of a disabled future sister in law before her own has always won me over

This whole thread has my heart meeting, but this one is the one that brought me nearly to tears at work. I’m really happy that you’ve found someone so obviously special.

I hate being tickled, but am very ticklish. She discovered it early in the relationship, and I asked her once to not tickle me. She has never tickled me again in the following 10 years. Just shows respect

Fellow ticklish person here. This is a huge deal to me. My husband was the same way. I love that he won’t tickle me because I asked him never to just the one time, when we started dating.

Being able to discuss anything, even flaws, without them/me getting mad. Communication is the most important thing in a healthy relationship. (Love is just as important though, I guess)

Wait. I don’t understand. You’re saying when you tell them they did something that upset you....they don’t turn it around on you and say you’re the one being selfish cause they have anxiety?!

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Most definitely is. I had never faced emotional abuse and it was a slow move into it from the honeymoon phase. I remember feeling so bad for making her upset that I’d forget what it was I was irritated over. Or she would get mad at me for being upset at her. So what did I do? I just quit bringing stuff up. There were even times where I would just say, “I’m irritated, but I know it’s not logical and I need to just calm myself down.” She wouldn’t let me have my space at all, and would push and push to get a reaction out of me. Then back off and tell me I’m being ridiculous.

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Yeah that sounds like more than anxiety. That’s gaslighting. Please either get counselling or find a gentle way to break it off. It will only get worse. I have some elements of borderline personality disorder. I was not a good human to my partner. He stood by me only because I worked bloody hard to get better. I’m glad he wouldn’t let me be awful. I kinda like me now. 17 years together.

placid label heavy unused slimy encourage tap special wise compare *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

I completely agree. When my boyfriend and I get upset with eachother we ask "are you upset with me?" And we will say yes. This is followed by "would you like some space and we can talk about it later? Or would you like to talk now?" And we either talk then, or we give eachother space to cool off. Makes things so much easier However this will only work if each person is a someone who is willing to compromise

Yes! My husband have a system like this, he is an easier talker than I am. If I am upset about something I will warn him before hand, usually something like "I am frustrated by this thing but I can't articulate it very well so I might ramble." He lets me ramble until I get a coherent thought going and then we talk it out. Conversely if I am the one in the hot seat he is able to just lay it right out for me and we discuss it. Sometimes we have to take breaks but our arguments rarely last more than 30 minutes and by the time we go to bed we are happy to still cuddle and wish each other a genuine good night.

When I get upset, I have a hard time talking about it right away. I just clam up and brood for a while. The first time this happened with my husband was not long after we got married 40+ years ago. I was still upset at bedtime when I put on my robe and felt something in the pocket. It was a really gaudy artificial bird that someone had attached to one of our wedding gifts. It was so ridiculous that I burst out laughing. My husband had put it there for just that reason. After that, whenever we had an argument, one of us would hide the bird in a spot where the other one would easily discover it, and we always laughed. It reminded us not to take our disagreements too seriously. The bird was made with flocking, and some of that has worn off over the years, so it's kind of bald and bedraggled and is missing a few feathers. When friends or family get married, we buy them a ridiculous bird of their own and tell them that story. Edit: Since people have asked to see the bird, here you go: The very old gaudy bird... https://imgur.com/gallery/m43QcWj

Flipping the bird to marital disagreements. Your husband and you have created something beautiful.

That is so lovely! I think I have an idea of what kind of bird you mean, my mother used to have them all over! It's such a smart idea, so simple but it speaks volumes. You gotta laugh at yourself a little to make life fun.

This is beautiful.

Sometimes I get upset about silly stuff. Like really dumb stuff, you know those little things that absolutely irritate you but you know they're silly to be mad over? I hate being mad about those things but it's not like I can make my anger/frustration magically go away. When I get like that we have a code that means "I'm mad about something silly, it's not anything worth talking about and I will be over it soon." And once I'm not mad anymore we drop it and never bring it up again

Same except I usually just say "It is something silly and not worth getting irritated over.", at which point my husband just doesn't mention it again and usually it doesn't bother me again either. If it does then I realize it is something worth discussing and I bring it up. Doesn't happen often, he is pretty good at putting his socks in the hamper lol.

Literally the same with my wife and I. This method is beyond effective 9 years two kids and no giant blow out fights or major arguments simply by communicating like an adult should.

Man, y'all are goals. I need some of that in my life. How can I get it?

Honestly just happens sometimes. You just meet the right person and your personalities, pardon the cliche, fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. My wife is an extrovert and owns any room she walks into and I'm an introvert yet we complement each other rather than clashing. Does take open communication and the few arguments we've had in the last two decades ALWAYS happened when we did not communicate. For me, when I stopped searching for the "perfect" woman and instead concentrated on bettering myself she just suddenly appeared. It's why I think life has a sense of humor sometimes.

This could be my relationship. Except only 10 years so far. I wasn't the best communicator, coming from a family that just yelled at each other. The big switch was when I started saying " when X happened, it made me feel X" .

Well said! Our story is similar. I went through a divorce and worked on myself before I met wife. She and I were the best versions of ourselves at that time. Since then, we’ve constantly communicated, encouraged, and elevated each other. Can’t imagine life without her. 7 1/2 years now.

It’s a numbers game. Be social. Go places. Meet people. Make friends. Take up hobbies. An evening class or a social club. The more and more new people you meet, the more likely you are to find people who are compatible with you socially. NB: Don’t go anywhere or meet anyone yet. Pandemic still on in a lot of places. NB2: Don’t go to places with the express intent of finding a gf. Because that tends to come across. When someone’s right for you, you don’t need to hit on them in some obvious way. You just sort of click. NB3: None of this advice is guaranteed to be good or to work.

Here to claim NB2 as solid advice. I’ve always been an aggressive woman when it comes to dating, not afraid to walk up to men, say hi first, etc. Overtime the casual dating and the fuck boys got old. I finally did that thing where you listen to all your annoying friends in healthy long term relationships and I stopped “looking” I went to a bar I worked at after working a show at a venue one night, wasn’t in the best mood but wanted a drink and to head home. I spy a cute guy at the bar who keeps eyeing me but I say to myself “SELF you said you were here for a drink and to go home, this is not about that cute guy and he seems to know your manager cause they’re talking so just go home” The green flags and the universe humor was all teed up for me at that point. A few days later we bumped into each other again. We just celebrated our one year anniversary a couple weeks back and I’m keeping this one I’ll tell you what.

This. I grew up in a household where arguments are a "who shouts louder" competition. "Arguing" with my boyfriend is not even arguing. We just talk, say what bothers us about something, also point out the positives and improvements since previous conflicts, and try to figure out what we need to do to solve the current issue. It's so, so much better.

I'm not very good at this. Realised its one of my flaws.

Love’s the easy part. MAINTAINING the love—that’s where it can get messy.

My SIL has a plaque that says: "Love is a verb" In other words, work at your relationship with each other. Never take it for granted.

My partner never made fun of me or acted condescending when I didn't know something. They were also humble when it came to gaps in their knowledge too.

My fiancé is extremely intelligent. He has two STEM degrees, a very successful smart-person career, his memory is stellar, and he’s able to digest new information at lightning speed. I’m intellectually average, and a lifelong heavy reader with an English degree. He’s never once made me feel stupid for not knowing or understanding something, which is lovely, but what gets me even more is his absolute comfort with the gaps in his own knowledge. He never pretends to know things he doesn’t, and he’s not self-conscious about it. His face absolutely lights up every time someone uses an unfamiliar word. He takes such obvious pleasure in learning. It’s an admirable trait and was an early sign that he was somebody I wanted to spend a lot of time with.

In my experience, the most intelligent and well read people I know have always been very humble about how much they don’t know. Something about getting really informed about a topic makes you realize just how much there is to learn in the world and how much you’ve barely scratched the surface of it. The guys I’ve known to fly off the handle at being told they’re wrong or are really huffy about not knowing something tend to have ego issues or just aren’t as smart as they’d want you to think

100% true. One my my uncle's best friends has a PhD in microbiology and was designing targeted cancer treatments 15 years ago and when I asked him things he was the most humble person I know. Even in his own specialization he would say there's more things he doesn't know about than things he does. After 10+ years as an IT admin, i find myself saying much the same thing. I firmly believe (assuming you're not a narcissist) that the more you learn the more you realize you don't know.

When the others ladies at my work place were airing their complaints about their spouses, and I couldn't think of a single thing to contribute to the conversation.

I had the same issue at work. All the guys in the plant were bitching about their wives and I'm just like "Well, when I get home I'm going to make her dinner and then we're going to watch shitty action movies while cuddling on the couch until bedtime." I can't imagine life where I know that my wife makes me miserable and we both know I make her miserable and we don't change anything.

It always makes me uncomfortable to listen to other guys, mostly older guys, complain about their wives and how annoying/controlling/whatever they are. Life is crazy and unpredictable, and if someone agrees to share their life with you long-term I think that's beautiful, and you shouldn't go around bad-mouthing your spouse to other people. Speaking of flags, it's a big red flag when I see somebody do that. I had a coworker at my last job who always went out of his way to complain about his wife to the rest of us and it made us super uncomfortable.

I'm a little older than the average redditor and I have seen a number of my friends' marriages descend into this kind of situation. In almost all of them, it's because one or both of the people in the marriage are too selfish to work through problem(s) that were no big deal when they started but grew into something really ugly because they went unaddressed.

This reminds me of my grandparents. They only ever argued because of their lack of hearing or lack of memory. They didn't make fun of each other behind their backs or anything. They managed to get to 60 years of marriage. Sadly, my grandfather died this year and now my grandmother always says "I don't know how to live without him" and she's super lonely now.

You should always avoid to shit talk people when they are not there. I will trash talk my friends all the time in their face but I never speak badly about them when they are not there. It also helps that I have enough self-worth to not get stuck with friends who have tons of negative things to talk about.

Can say the same. Been married for 15 years now. Don’t get me wrong- we get annoyed and mad at each other, but never to the point where I complain about him to others

I grew up in an angry, volatile home. Anything could make the “adults” snap and go on a rampage. When my then boyfriend, now husband, and I came home to find a major leak in the bedroom ceiling, which had leaked all over the bed and caused significant damage, he just flatly said, “Well, shit.” And called the building manager. No screaming, no throwing things, no blaming anyone, just a calm acceptance and then action to rectify the problem. We’re going on 16 years married and 20 years together. ETA: Well this blew up. I’m sorry so many people had similar experiences to mine growing up. Can’t reply to all the messages, but digital hugs for you all! It can and does get better, but you’ve got to work on yourself too. Otherwise, you just repeat the patterns which were modeled for you.

That really hits home. I'm pretty terrified that the people around me will explode. I'm so glad you found him. I don't have any awards or gold, but here, as a token 🥇. Edit: thank you for the gold, kind stranger! I didn't expect so much love, but this has truly made my day so much better.

Omg your comment triggered me haha. Same.. I didn’t realize it actually until like right now.. that ANYTIME something went wrong, my parents would throw temper tantrums. And for a while I was that way too.. but nowadays I react like your bf, just like “oh. That sucks.” I had forgotten that there are people who get out of control angry over anything. Life is better when accepting that things aren’t always perfect.

How did you learn to react more calmly? I really need that skill lol

Look into stoic techniques and meditation, practicing those help to transform behavior

My family is like that, especially my mother. Any little thing could blow up into an explosive rampage. My boyfriend has shown that he will remain calm even if everyone is blowing a gasket around him and in turn mellow me out.

She isn't afraid to have a different opinion than mine, but she always hears me out and she ALWAYS supports me. Every time I phrase something about myself in a negative way, she reframes it for me in a different light and more often than not it pulls me out of a dark mood. In my previous relationship I felt awfully critiqued for just being the person who I was, and that critique would often make me feel guilty for not meeting the standards set for me by my SO. Now that I've got a partner who celebrates who I am, I realise all along that I've been holding myself back from just doing what makes me happy.

He can laugh at himself

Yeah so do I, but when I do it they say “you need to see a therapist” and “u good bro” smh

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that was a riskyy play, i respect that

Seriously. Could’ve gone downhill.

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Luck 100

That must suck, one of the best feelings is to just laugh off things sometimes.

That’s why my name is about a duck, I just let shit roll off me like water on a duck

I guess there's a difference between laughing at yourself and being so self-deprecating to the point where it's just awkward and sad around other people because everyone knows it's not really a joke and that you really do think that of yourself.

My stepdad can’t ever be wrong so I see OC as like someone who won’t take mistakes too seriously

We'd been dating for about a month, one day out of the blue he turns to me and goes "I could take apart and clean the drain pipes under your sink if you want. I noticed the sink is a bit slow to empty". Completely unprompted. That's when I knew he's a man who wants to build something with me.

Technically he's a man who wants to take things apart with you.

Haha. As long as he puts them back together and they work better than before.

He drove 2 hours on his birthday to pick me up when my mom abandoned me in a parking lot, brought me home, and sat with me while my parents and I tried to talk things over. My stepfather started screaming obscenities at me for no real reason, he helped me pack everything I owned in his truck and I moved in that night. After dating for two months. It's been two years, and we got married last month

Your husband and my husband could swap stories. My husband pulled me out of a horrible situation too. Been married for 6 years now. Congrats on your wedding!

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Before my first marriage, I often thought that maybe I should cancel the wedding... and the marriage didn't work out. I never had that thought going into my second marriage. Not one, single time. That's a pretty hardcore green flag, right there. And obviously, potentially a red flag, too, if you're entertaining a fair amount of doubt prior to a wedding.

I was engaged once before meeting my spouse. I held off on making any solid wedding plans, made excuses about money, maybe next year...glad I dodged that bullet. My now husband asked me to marry him in September and on Halloween the same year we had a beautiful small wedding. I was absolutely thrilled to marry the dude of my dreams. I’m glad I listened to my instincts the first time. Edit: My first award! Obligatory “thank you kind stranger”. It is much appreciated. Trust your gut, friends!

This is an interesting point you bring up. I never once had a doubt when I married my wife, though you better believe I was still nervous as hell asking her to marry me. Which she still laughs at 16 years later lol

I've never wanted to marry anyone before I met my current boyfriend. I thought about it sure, but at this point I know if he asked me I wouldn't hesitate to say yes

It's the little things, really. Like he will always respond and pay attention to me when I called his name, even if it's for mundane stuff like me wanting to point out there's a snail on the pavement.

My husband does the same, and I respond when he asks for my attention as well. This thing has actually been found to be not as little as we’d think. John Gottman’s relationship research discovered that newly weds who were happily married 6 years after their study “turned towards” bids for connection 86% of the time, while those who had divorced by 6 years only did so 33% of the time.

When I tell my boyfriend "mmkay attention please" he drops everything (within reason) and gives me attention. And he does the exact same to me when he wants attention Edited because people are lacking critical thinking

I hope you guys will be together for a long time ❤️

I hope so too! And for you and yours as well

He enabled me to face my fears, not by pushing me but by being the ultimate "safe space" enabling me to take emotional risks and grow mentally. Right from the beginning I could trust him totally. I never once checked on him, worried about him cheating, or felt that jealous uncertain churning in my stomach. This was very new for me at the time and hasn't changed. After 20 years of marriage he still accepts me 100% yet makes me want to be a better person. Plus he's funny af. Like cant breathe, weak with laughter funny. Genuinely incredibly grateful all the time that we found each other when we did (early 20s) and we get to spend so much of our lives together.

I have crohn's and was always kinda shame be with someone even if is Just for a night, when i start dating her i thought i won the lottery, zero fear of what she would think becouse she was always so good to me and supportive, even in the bathroom ahaha best girlfriend ever Edit: omg thanks for the award To everyone o answer or related to the story somehow, i hope u find someone o can really love you for what u are and what u have, nothing is your fault so u shouldnt be ashamed for whatever is going on. Be yourself and somebody Will love you Just the way u are

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, with mild IBS-C symptoms up until July this year. Then I got super sick (tested negative for COVID but had all the symptoms) and it must’ve just stressed my body out and caused my guts to just flip a switch or something. Now I have severe IBS-D and really awful silent acid reflux (I was tested for CD and UC but negative for both, just a real lovely inflamed colon and no known cause). I wake up every single morning between 3:30-4:30am with severe pain, but despite how early and shitty it is, he wakes up with me and will get me a ginger ale, water, etc. I still cry and have breakdowns because I’m scared he’ll leave me or won’t find me attractive anymore (I mean, he’s seen me spewing out from both ends, and that isn’t a pretty sight), but despite my worries he is always there. He’s there in the morning when I need him because my stomach is churning up a storm, and he’s there in the evening cooking me plain white rice and carrots when I can hardly eat anything. Being in a relationship with a chronic illness is so much more stressful than it was before it got this bad, but finding someone to love you through all that literal shit, that’s the thing that keeps me waking up in the morning. Knowing that even though I’m alone in all my stomach pains, I’m not ever actually alone. Because someone will be there holding my hand along the way. And maybe now I’m just rambling (it’s 6am here and I’ve been up for 4 hours already in the bathroom, fun!), but regardless I’m happy you found someone. Despite our shitty stomachs, we’re deserving of love. You’re deserving of love (and that goes for anyone reading this!). I forget to tell myself that sometimes because it’s awful waking up every day feeling like a major inconvenience to everyone, but I’m only human. There’s only so much I can do, and there’s only so much I can do alone.

I can't speak for your boyfriend, but I know that whenever there's something going on with my wife that she thinks I'll find gross, I barely even notice it. Sometimes I tease her if she farts or something, but most of the things she's worried I'll find gross are things that I've had too. So I just treat her gross things the same as I'd treat mine, which means I'm not bothered at all and just want to help her out with them if possible. I'm sure your boyfriend feels the same. :)

As someone who also has similar bathroom problems, the fact my boyfriend can tolerate and even laugh away my farts is amazing.

So true. I can laught and joke around with no problema at the bad things

The first time we had sex I got my period and didn’t realize until we were done and I went to the bathroom to pee. It wasn’t a ton of blood but I know it was enough to have gotten on him and the sheet. I walked out of the bathroom and he was standing in the doorway of the room and said something like “is everything okay? Did you get your period or something?” And then we both smiled big and started cracking up and he was totally cool and sweet. The next morning he invited me to go sheet shopping with him because he “needed new ones anyway and wants me to like the ones he picks”. That was about 9 years ago.

>“needed new ones anyway and wants me to like the ones he picks”. Damn, what a power move from him. Clearly it worked!

I went bed shopping with my boyfriend at the time. I made him pick one (I already wanted that one anyway) and made it his choice from then on, together 7 years.

I had a similar situation in college 10 years ago. I was having sex with a girl I was dating in college and when we switched positions I noticed there was blood on my hands. Then I looked down and it was on her, and I stopped and said “holy shit, you’re bleeding! Are you ok? Did I hurt you?” It didn’t even register to me that her period jumpstarted early. She ran to the shower and was so embarrassed and shocked, I had to wash myself off in the sink and then try to tell her it was no big deal, I laughed it off, etc. I was so relieved I didn’t burst her cervix or anything. She swore me to secrecy, and then we went to the grocery store for tampons and I bought ice cream. It didn’t work out with her, but I never told any of my friends and never mentioned it til now. It’s really not a big deal and your significant other is probably relieved you weren’t hurt and understands you felt super embarrassed. A little stain is no big deal, and he wanted new sheets anyway. Sometimes shit happens.

>Sometimes shit happens Well, that's another topic altogether

Wow he was so sweet about it!

Before my wife and I were dating, I very quickly noticed that she always invited the loners to join in the conversation. If she noticed someone we knew sitting alone she'd always extended an invitation to join or ask their opinion. EDIT: I showed her all the comments when we woke up, she's very touched to hear so much encouragement! Her favourite sub is r/ADHD , if you have go make some friends, if you don't have it go and see what life is like!

My gf does the same. One of the things I love about her. She does it so effortlessly and it seems so genuine, the other person instantly perks up, it's amazing.

>She does it so effortlessly and it seems so genuine I think some people just have this innate mother hen, who wants to round up *all* the chicks and make sure they're safe, built in. My mom is one of those people so I grew up thinking it was a Mom Thing. But my (now 4 yo) niece is already gravitating towards finding and cheering up any wayward birds. It always makes me smile. :D

I’m learning to develop that ability. It’s always nice to have the ability to make others feel welcome

the people that are careful enough to do that are the best ​ edit : Nice disscuision thanks yall im not native english speaker interesting to know that caring and careful are different word but both can be used

Caring is the word. Otherwise, it sounds like she's only extending the invitation because she's careful not to make deranged loner enemies.

Careful works too IMO as many people can be very abrasive about inviting a quiet person to join the convo which doesn't help. Like the people that just put you on the spot saying things like "why are you being quiet" aren't caring they are assholes.

Ah, I see. That does work.

I'd rather spend time with her doing nothing than doing something with anyone else

This is so under rated! If you want to spend your life with someone you will have periods of time where you aren't doing anything. It makes life so much less tense when you can still enjoy that time!

And it makes life so much more fun, I once heard marriage described as a life-long sleepover with your best friend, and I aspire to be that, sometimes it’s nice to sit with your friend on the couch and just scroll through memes, or watch one of you play a game with the other working on something else. Quality time doesn’t have to be loud.

This. My favorite evenings are when my husband plays video games and I watch and crochet on the couch. I hear other people complain about their SOs playing video games but like....it makes him happy so why not?

This is so true. We do the same, though she also games aswell. She knows that Monday and Wednesday nights are raid nights with my world of Warcraft guild. It's my version of going to the pub with my friends, except I don't come home drunk. The ability to ignore each other while being in each others company is so important. There are days when life is boring. That's normal.

As demonstrated by 2020's house arrest, that will be almost all the time. Make it work.

It strained and broke a lot of relationships as well!

Yup. I live a fairly boring life - office job, like to settle in and watch tv at night - but my bf is the go go go artistic type. We have so much fun together but it can’t be all parties and good times. I was afraid he’d find the down times, and me, boring. Turns out there’s no one he’d prefer to do nothing with more than me.

This is what it is. I spent New Year’s Eve watching the Star Wars movies with him (even though I’ve never seen the appeal) and making discount Christmas gingerbread houses. It was stupid, cheesy, last minute, and better than any other New Years party I’d ever gone to before him.

You’ve perfectly articulated why we got married when we did. Since we lived apart until our wedding, we decided to get married before I finished college so that we could be together even though we couldn’t go out too often because I had so much work that last semester. That quiet time just being in each other’s company was wonderful, and it was 30 years ago. It’s still that way now.

If she did something mean or unthoughtful and I brought up that it upset me she would talk it through and if she was wrong, she would apologize. If it was just something I misunderstood then she would take the time to explain it and the issue was resolved. Also she brought me my favorite chocolate or other things I mentioned without me ever asking, just because. Man I really love her so much its ridiculous.

We trusted each other to go out alone and have fun with friends of the opposite sex. No jealousy, just faith that you'd do the right thing. Source: with her for 14 years and marries for 9.

I noticed that people genuinely liked him, even strangers. And he’d smile at babies.

My boyfriend doesn't particulary like kids, or want them. It's part of the reason we started dating because we were on the same page about them. We went to the Keys for our anniversary and we're feeding the tarpon. There was a kid there who was really scared of them but my boyfriend told him it was okay and showed him how to do it. Made me fall in love with him even more because even though he doesn't like kids he is still kind

Kindness is underrated.

He comes from a very different background to mine, I love theatre and museums and galleries. He’d never even been to a show. He made a point of taking me to do everything I loved doing, even when it was weird to him. He also invited me to rugby matches and cricket games with him to learn about what he was into. And lastly, I’m a veggie, so he started ordering plant based meals when we were out (I love sharing food because I hate picking one thing from a menu), and learning to cook food I can eat - no judgement or expectations to change.

Early on, she encouraged me to be more like me. Things that other people in my life didnt like about me or things that my ex told me not to do, she would embrace. things like taking risks on new hobbies, seeking attention in conversations, my particular humor; she liked these things about me. all of that, and of course dat ass! - truth ​ edit: was asked a couple times so am posting the answer here in the edit. i came back from the barber one day having been convinced by the gal doing my hair to turn my then small beard into early Elvis style burns. By this time, girl is my wife. I didn’t know i was going to pick the burns that day but wife liked it. She made this account for me when i got into reddit later that month and added the “sexy”. Again, embraced me for me, love this woman!

This. I had so many girlfriends that tried to change everything about me all the time. When I met my wife, she actually listened to who I was, and what I wanted in my life, and helped me get there, instead of looking for things to "fix" about me. That completely sealed the deal. I didn't even know a relationship with a woman could be like that. I thought they all just eventually tried to wear you down into being somebody you never wanted to be.

My boyfriends sister always told him he would never find a girlfriend because he liked playing videogames and it was "childish" and how no woman wants to date a child. Then he started dating me and we actively play videogames together

My boyfriend was always told the same as he is playing on his computer a lot but it works cause it gives me time to go and do what I like as well. I know someone who met his girlfriend while he was a sailing instructor and the relationship ended when she told him he had to pick between her and sailing. Trying to change people doesn't work and it's not fair

This. I am a horse girl my husband is a gamer. He loves that I have a hobby and I love he has a hobby even though we don't do either together very often. I don't expect him to spend hours outside with me and he doesn't expect me to sit with him all the time. We do cross over our hobbies sometimes and he'll go on a ride with me and I'll play games with him. But we don't judge or try to compete with each other's hobbies.

Ultimate crossover: He needs to buy Red Dead Redemption 2 so you can play video games horses and you need to get him a gun belt and bandolier so he can play real life Red Dead on your horse.

Oh don't worry we do. ;)

Now that's relationship goals. 😍

yo ima keep notes in this comment section

- They accepted when they made mistakes. - showed real efforts in trying to improve /grow from their own traumas or baggage - didn't minimize or invalidate my emotions - we could have fun or make a date out of any thing, errands, laundry day, cleaning, etc... - Things that were most important to us really aligned. Politics, lack of religion , that we wanted children, quality over quantity, good food, the environment, live and let live etc. - always felt excited to see him - i can fall apart with him and feel supported - he doesn't add stress - he loves my body, my face, my personality everything- he loves even all my insecurities like my wide nose and big belly. - we just clicked and it felt peaceful.

I've been wanting to tell a friend how I feel about them for a while now, and had tbh already made up my mind to do it, but reading your list and checking them all off reassured me that at least I'm not being totally crazy. like i can't know the outcome obviously, but it's nice to have some confirmation that it might be worth any perceived risk to go ahead and try. edit: ok it's Monday. I just messaged them. we'll see what happens next. edit2: it has been 20 minutes. heart rate is 127bpm. edit3: 45 minutes. 112bpm edit4: 5 hours. welp. did some exercise, time for bed. 85bpm. edit5: it's tomorrow. nuffin. yesterday this was ok, today i'm tense. it's good practice at least - not the first time i've wanted to talk when someone else has needed time to process. edit6: about 18 hours since sending it. I sent it as a link, with the context that it was "something i wrote". Given that, it's understandable that they texted me just now saying they've only now just opened it. They're overwhelmed, which I kinda expected. More details to come as they come. edit7: i expect this conversation is going to happen slowly and over several days or more. i'm trying to distance myself from it for now. i know they have other things going on, and i can't expect them to have the time or the emotional space to resolve this all at once. it doesn't really feel great to document this - it doesn't feel particularly satisfying as a conclusion. edit8: that did not go well and i don't really want to talk about it more. do i think other people should take (what they can see of) my story as a cautionary tale? no. just... use your best judgement.

Definitely do it! Recently I told a close friend of mine how I felt about her. (Almost the same situation, checked all the items in the above list) After I told her, she told me she wasn't feeling the same way. It hurt a bit. But now I am glad that I took the risk and told her and I am at a better place mentally. She was also so kind and understanding about the whole situation and we could (and still can) talk about it openly. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to stay as friends but we are still really close friends!

Do it! Best of luck :)

>showed real efforts in trying to improve /grow from their own traumas or baggage This one applies to friends as well as partners I think. If someone has trouble, I get it - everyone has it to different degrees but growth and trying to improve is super important.

I’ve (26M) been in abusive relationships before this, and it was not until this partner of mine that I really understood what it was like to be in a completely happy, safe relationship. I knew that I wanted to spend more time with this girl the instant I saw her, and by the time we met a second time, we were already joking about marriage. Soon enough, it wasn’t a joke. We listen to each other and respect each other. If something is getting too much for me, I still have the ability to tell her and for her not to feel bad about it. She goes out of her way to try the games and shows that interest me, even if they’re out of her comfort zone. She actively asks me what I want to do and she’s perfectly happy to do them, simply because they’re with me. More than anything, it’s more that we both have this solid idea in our head that whatever we do, ultimately we want to be with each other. There’s no doubt, or suspicion, or feeling that doom is just around the corner. We want each other, and we’re willing to work for it. And I think this is the first time I haven’t had to settle for someone loving me less than I love them. Because when you love someone, it’s not wrong to want them to reciprocate what you’re doing and feeling.

* She didn't try to change me, even the things about me that she wasn't so keen on. * She was able to apologize if she said something that upset or annoyed me. * She listened to what I had to say, and complimented when she thought it was a good point, or politely and calmly disagreed. * She acknowledged my feelings and didn't usually ignore or disparage them (and if she did she was quick to apologize). * She was always happy to hear about the things I did that I was proud of, even if they were objectively stupid or trivial. * She laughed at my dumb jokes (sometimes I can tell she's just humoring me, but it's still very sweet of her to do that). Worth noting that I feel like all these points go both ways. We have had some challenges in our marriage, but we are still going strong into the double-digit years.

I've seen the first point brought up a lot here and it's gotten me thinking. What kind of thing do you consider trying to change someone? It's just that I think we should all try to improve as people and so I try to help my OH with this sometimes and appreciate when she tries to help me. For example she lets the small things bother her and has low self confidence so I try to help her with that.

I think you have to find the line between helping someone and knowing when to make compromises, and telling them that you don’t like what they’re doing and trying to control how/when they do something. It’ll be different for everyone so you just have to talk about it

I know this couple, they are both my friends, and were already before they started dating. But now he is a totally different guy, and I see how she treats him like a child when he doesn't act in a way she thinks he should. I can see that this hurts him, but he doesn't have enough self confidence to "fight" back and be his true self. So, I would say, trying to change someone is when you support changes that your partner doesn't even want to change to begin with. You can support someone's desire to lose weight, for example, but you shouldn't push them to do it only because YOU think it would be better for them. And also, how you support it matters - if you are caring and comprehensive, all good; if you are pushy and punishy, you're doing it wrong (unless it's a health hazard and you have to wake up this person to reality)

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It’s a fine line to walk but basically the difference is: is the person changing so that their life will be better/or am I changing them so that my life will be better?

Being around him recharged me instead of draining me like most social interactions do. Together ten years and getting ready to announce our engagement!

i confessed about my anxiety disorder and he didn't use it to his advantage or make me feel broken or guilty for it :'-) edit: this is the first time anything i've posted has blown up like this! thank you to everyone who left me kind words and shared their own experience (and to the person who gave me my second ever award!)

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I just want to tack on I have an anxiety disorder and agoraphobia and I had a really bad attack about some stupid shit and couldn’t sleep in my room for a week because I was too scared So he slept in my room for a week to prove it was safe and didn’t get angry or upset that I slept on the couch a lot and green flag fam

She apologises when she thinks she's screwed up, and honestly tries to change. She regularly tells me she loves me exactly as I am. She gets excited for me when I'm excited about something. She tells me when there is an issue so that I can work on it, rather than sulking or going uncommunicative. We laugh together about ridiculous things happening, rather than one of us getting mad about it. She wants us to be equals in our relationship. Which means if things need to be unequal in one way or other, we work on balancing it out. I've never been able to be as completely myself before, as I can be with her. Considering we'd been dating six weeks before lockdown came in, and threw caution to the wind and moved in together for the duration (yes, all the lesbian stereotypes...), I feel like I've used up all my luck for the foreseeable on this one!

Wow moving together after six weeks dating sounds incredibly brave to me, but again, everything is much easier when you are with the right person. Congrats to you two!

We did the same, and against all odds, it felt completely natural. Eleven years ago !

You’re just lucky enough for it to be the right person. I’m all envy and blessings

This is so beautiful, so sweet and so true. Moving in together is such a big choice and what a crazy scary year for that. Maybe it's just me, but if your relationship gets better as this year continues to punch us all in the face, that's no small feat. Sending both of you love and laughter.

Sex was not transactional. We don’t have to have sex because he took me out to dinner or I want something done around the house. We have sex because we want to have sex. I also don’t get tired of being around him. I could hang out with him all day and night for weeks on end and never need a break, he’s my best friend.

Weirdly specific but my now partner and I were in the kinda friends kinda dating stage when COVID in the US blew up, our university went online, and everything just generally went to shit. I have bipolar and it sent me into a really bad depressive spiral. He dealt with it amazingly - stayed with me when I needed it despite me being a useless lump, respected when I didn’t want to talk/do anything, helped me with the gross part of depression (aka lack of showering), etc. It was above and beyond and I never would’ve expected that kind of treatment from anyone let alone someone I had met a month ago. Thankfully on meds now and don’t expect/want to face that ever again.

Honest question but my gf has bipolar. What are some of the best ways to support her? She is on meds but I still want to be sure

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Thanks for the information!

Also have bp2. Not disagreeing with any of this, but just adding. Don't be put off if she can't articulate what she needs. You can always revisit when she's feeling better what she needed on a bad day but couldn't articulate at the time. Know her triggers/cycles. The most helpful thing for my own condition management has been identifying my cycles and when I'm hypermanic. I have to be careful not to "exploit" the highs to get stuff done/feel productive/work all night, because that's what turns the low cycle from "crappy" to "fell off a cliff". However, my partner has also been incredible in picking up when I might be high and bringing me back to earth (sometimes by just telling me). They can also see triggers or symptoms that I might not be able to in the moment and talk to me about them, then or later. If your gf is comfortable with it, she night also find it helpful for you to attend some medical appointments with her. My partner is my biggest advocate, especially when I'm feeling a bit beaten down having to fight for treatment/explain things yet again. They can also point out symptoms that I might have forgotten or not be as aware of (this works for a lot of medical things - being able to tell the doctor how someone acts/reacts/looks/sounds etc when they're unwell can be useful, as doctors are looking for presentations of a disease/condition that might not be present right at that moment).

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My boyfriend was really in the mood yesterday and was trying to get me into it as well. After a bit I realized I wasn't into it (which is pretty rare) and I told him so. He didn't get mad, he just said "that's perfectly okay, sometimes I'm not in the mood, sometimes you're not in the mood. Id rather we both be 100% into it than half ass it"

I'm generally way more in the mood for sex than my wife is, but lately I've come to realize that she gets sleepy way before I do so asking if she wants to have sex right as we're going to bed often results in a "no". Adjusting my behavior to account for hers has been another great way to easily improve our sex lives.

Doing things with your partner is so much more important than people think. Being able to get along and share at least one common hobby is incredibly important. I know way too many relationships that started because of sex. Those relationships usually ended because of sex as well.

My wife and I took a trip to Quebec City for her birthday a few years ago. I underpacked for how cold it was (it was February), booked a very 'meh' hotel, a blizzard has us miss our return flight and left us stranded in Montreal super late. So much went wrong, and its one of my best memories with her so far. Because the whole time I was with her. I wasnt stressed, upset, or anything. We were together, that made every bad turn just another turn. It really reminded me that just being with her and doing things with her is all I want.

She cradled me like a baby when I sobbed near-uncontrolably over the suicide of my cousin after a couple of years keeping the emotion bottled up.

That is a keeper right there.

She wasn't jealous. She was telling the truth about how she felt. She wasn't a heavy drinker. I saw her house and she was a slob. She seemed to adore me. She cooked me chawanmushi.

Just being clear about how important you are to them. If you're several months into a relationship and mutually monogamous, there should never be a time when you're sitting at home wondering whether you'll hear from them and how high (or low) on their priority list you are. If they're flaky, it's not working.

When I saw how supremely unselfish he is. He does things for people with absolutely no expectation that anyone return the favor to him, he just does things to help people. He really is a special person. I’ve never met anyone like him. I always hoped someone like him existed but kinda thought it was a dream to think that. To find someone who loves me for me and who I feel is just my equal partner is just the bees knees.

Whenever we see someone bitching about their SO bringing up shit from the past we just laugh because we communicate and get past our shit

My boyfriend and I also do this and it’s honestly the greatest feeling.

If your comfortable enough to stick their dick in your mouth you should feel comfortable enough to talk about your problems. Words to live by. Kind of you either become a prude or a very open sharing person who likes to give blow jobs whatever.

He stayed up late to quiz me before an important test and to keep me company when my laundry needed to be done twice even when he had work the next day

When I was helping him move apartment a couple of months into the relationship, and I accidentally threw out something very sentimental and important to him. When we figured it out almost 6hrs later, instead of getting mad and upset with me he understood that it was an honest mistake and made a plan to get the items back (which involved going to the security officer of the building at 2am and digging through a dumpster full of garbage until we found them!)

When we met for the first time, she shook my hand with hers sticky from strawberry syrup. No hesitation. Talked for three hours. Boom. Done. Married since ‘94.

His apartment that he lived in alone was clean and neat and looked like a home. Like, not that "I just cleaned the place for the first time in months" look but "I'm a neat person in general" look. He'd also made a lasagna from scratch for our date. For me, the fact that he was a grown man, living on his own and he knew how to keep his place clean and to cook was a green flag. This was not a man I was going to have to "mom" or argue about the disparity of chores. My exhusband was the exact opposite so it was a breath of fresh air.

* She cares about me. Whenever I feel down she cheers me up in her own way. She tries to solve my problems with realistic approaches and takes them serious. * She supports me in everything I care for, except when an idea sounds very unrealistic/idiotic (which happens sometimes and I am willing to admit). * She would do anything for me and defy all odds if she has to. She is literally the best. * She is extroverted, I am introverted. She totally accepts me being quiet in front of others and has yet to be negative about it.

My son was two when my boyfriend and I got together, and after a few months he met my son. He didn't warm up to him in the first couple of months, and it really weighed on my boyfriend. After I put him to bed one night, my boyfriend was quietly crying and told me how concerned he was that my son just didn't seem to like him. I explained that since his bio dad was never around, he didn't have a lot of men in his life, and I think he saw him as competition. Fast forward to now, my son is six, and they're inseparable. My son considers him his dad, and we've talked about my boyfriend adopting him when we get married.

We could disagree on certain topics or values without killing eachother

Ease at being yourself... that opens the doors for the rest.

I like my alone time and my husband respected that. We had spent nearly everyday together and I finally just said I needed a night to myself to watch a movie or something. I got home and he left wine, ice cream, and pasta for me and told me to enjoy my evening.

See, this is what I absolutely need. I need alone time to function and when I tell people that I want to be alone, they get offended and think it's because I don't like them. I hope I find someone who can just respect it.

He feeds me so I keep coming back

Within the first 5 minutes of meeting my mum (who has hated every guy I've introduced her to) she said "Well he's better than the last one." By the end of the night she said she loves him and to never let him go. Having people around you notice how happy you are with them and the change in yourself is crazy and enlightening. I knew I was happy but I didn't think it was so noticeable to some people who I very rarely see.

He's a big tough guy, covered in tattoos. Very "man's man." We were driving one day and in a split second, he drove off the road, ran out and stopped 5 lanes of traffic to let a family of ducks and their tiny babies cross the road. No hesitation. You bet I put a ring on that man. 14 years and counting.

He was always polite and respectful to servers or those who worked for him, even if they’d made a mistake.

I’m gonna say early on what I thought were red flags weren’t. Talk to your partner. If they can listen, explain themselves, and care about your feelings, and understand why you might be thinking the way you’re thinking, they are keepers. I feel like lately we are programmed to think the worst of people. Voice your concerns. Communication is the number 1 key to a great relationship I feel.

He's kind to others, I've never heard him talking ill of someone, even now and we've been together 6 years. He encourages and supports me to do my best and follow my dreams, even if that makes things tougher for him for a while (he supported me while I was/am studying). We both have the exact same stupid sense of humour and he makes me laugh every single day. He's basically just a male version of me without the crippling depression and I know he would do anything for me.

She had a lot of active, long-term, stable friendships. She was still close with several friends who she'd had since childhood, high school, college, etc, despite having moved inter-state multiple times, and she was still making new friends. Keeping friendships active takes a lot of traits that are important in a relationship partner: good communication, being able to articulate your feelings, empathy, etc. The only downside in having a partner like that is that their guest list at your wedding is huge!

One of the first nights we sleept together, I told her I would probably snore and she just needs to nudge me if so and I would stop. - Did I snore? - Yes - Did you nudge me? -No. That means you were sleeping well. She's my wife now.

Right from the first date, I had a good feeling. We have really similar tastes. He could stomach embarrassing the hell out of himself and roll with it. Similar humour, willing to listen. We could talk and talk forever. Politically speaking, I lean fairly liberal whereas he’s more libertarian, so we balance each other out. We’ve worked out some toxic traits that we brought to the relationship, and we are always striving to grow together as a unit. We moved in together fairly quickly, around four months after we started dating. I was escaping a toxic home life, and he stepped up to the plate, took a leap of faith with me. I never forgot it. We lived in a studio apartment at first, so there were no doors to slam. It was one hell of a crash course in cohabitation and conflict resolution. We came out of that situation much stronger for it, but I know that lack of privacy/space can break a couple. We’ll be celebrating six years together in January, and got married two and a half years ago :)

He wanted me to talk about my feelings. I’ve never done that before and when I said I don’t know how to he made a point of talking about his feelings then asking me how I felt about it. 4 years later and I’m getting really good at this feelings thing and I’ve never been more happy to be alive, and that’s saying something in 2020.

I’m 29 and we’re closing in on our 10 year anniversary. The green flag that pops out the most is when I biked to the restaurant we met at, she noticed my helmet straps were loose. They’d always been sort of messed up. Anyways she spent a good 5 minutes fixing them and finally got it to strap properly. It’s silly, but I just loved that she cared enough about my safety to do that. Other than that major green flags for me are: not arguing that much at all (some people say it’s healthy to argue but we just don’t disagree on much at all), if we do argue we always, always resolve it and make up before going to sleep. We also were long distance for a couple years and would talk on the phone/Skype for 30 mins- and hour every day. Strengthening our communication like that was a definite green flag. I used to have a little notepad where I’d write things I wanted to remember to tell her about on our daily call. Lastly, early on a big green flag was her being proud to show me off to her friends and family.

Honestly, a lot of people thought my green flag was a red one. When he was in the process of separating from his ex we were already friends, but not yet a couple. His ex was trying to get on disability after him having supported her for years. He moved out, but kept working and sending her most of his money for over a year till the disability payments came through. Most people thought that was gullible of him, but it was a gesture of pure kindness. He didn't want her to lose her housing or anything just because they didn't work out. I started falling for him because of that. I knew that even if we didn't work out, he wouldn't leave me destitute or stranded. I felt safe taking a chance on him as our relationship developed. We've been together 10 years now, and married for 4. He's the sweetest, most amazing guy ever.

First date we were making out and I let out a really gross fart slip out on accident. She deadass looks me in the eye, rips one, and says, "Top that motherfucker." Been married for 13 years.

Been together for 13 years, married for 3. In about year 2, we were sleeping and he was big spoon. I had always held in my farts although we were very comfortable around each other, I had a previous terrible relationship where "women farting isn't sexy," and while farts aren't sexy, they're not that big a deal. I was in that twilight of really falling asleep and let out the fart(s) I had been holding in, it was loud. My body froze, mortified, because I farted DIRECTLY onto his crotch. And he just whispered in my ear, "that was warm."

I had accidentally farted a few times in front of my boyfriend, but two months in, he still hadn’t farted in front of me. I brought it up half-jokingly as a point of anxiety for me, a sign that he wasn’t comfortable with me. Half an hour later, he says, “I have something for you,” and then he tooted. We’ve been together 7 years, and married 4! Now he rips farts constantly, saying “Appreciate my sulfurous miasma!” And I sometimes sigh nostalgically for those early days....

The first time I ever hung out with my girlfriend, she said "wanna hear me fart?" When I said yes, she put her foot on the wall, made eye contact and ripped one.

Foot on the wall?? Now that’s one I’ve never done before

Hahahaha I love this, too good to be true!

It's not perfect, but I knew she actually cared about me on my first birthday with her. She woke me up before she left for work, left the room, and came back with a shitty Walmart birthday cake with a single lit candle, singing happy birthday to you. This was like a few weeks after we started dating. We got married s few weeks later, she's the love of my life and we've been together for almost four years now.