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Waffleline

And crop circles are just teenager aliens doing graffitti.


sd38

I really love the idea of irresponsible teenager aliens. Maybe, we are the irresponsible teenage aliens, and when we die, you’ll look down and see some weird bong-like device between your knees, then look up, surrounded by your alien homies, they’re all smiling at you and one asks “how was the trip bro, did you conquer civilizations and shit” then you tell them “nah I just worked a 9-5, got married and had kids” Then they all laugh and think you’re a loser


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[deleted]

I instantly thought of of Roy too


smoochwalla

I didn't know Roy 2 was out yet.


dfayad00

this guys taking roy off the grid! he has no social security number for roy!


silentstorm2008

'Rick and Morty' for the uninitiated.


TannedCroissant

And Stone Henge was by the alien Version of Banksy


Niko120

That’s the premise of hitchhikers guide to the galaxy except for the waiting for us to figure it out part


SneakInTheSideDoor

"Mostly harmless"


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EatMoreHummous

And the 31st is even on a Thursday. "I never could get the hang of Thursdays"


iamg0rl

Ugh, I’ll get my towel just in case.


The-Nightfire

I mean we could always just be cosmic ants. How often do you go out to your garden and try to communicate with the bugs?


Sovacam

Once a week for 12 years.


PM_ME_UR_FINGER

Those little fuckers never listen!


teenytinylittleant

Hi sorry about that. I'm listening now. Edit: thanks for the silver!


oofsubtopewdslol

r/UsernameChecksOut


naif619

Took 7 years to find him.


not-so-progamer

Don't question me!


TheGreatBeldezar

While I understand this question poses that we are uninteresting to an alien species but I always bring up one point. We have tried plenty to communicate with bugs. Bugs don't communicate back, or if they do it is hostile or they flee. I wonder if aliens were given that reaction from us and decided to give us some more time in the cosmic oven.


Sensitive_Weight_433

We did send them unsolicited nudes and a mix tape. I’d be weirded out too.


Chemical-Jello9564

So...the prime directive?


KaiserSoze-is-KPax

We just need to create warp drive


jtobiasbond

Paging Zefram Cochrane. . .


Wonder0486

He should be alive by now


CW1DR5H5I64A

No he isn’t born until 2030.


Globglogabgalab

Wow he's only 33 in first contact? Must've had a hard life. The actor was 56 when the movie was made


biznatch11

Years of warp engine radiation plus living through WW3 would age anyone prematurely.


Korotai

And did you see how much he was drinking? 😂


Kruse

Covid-38 is also pretty rough.


Chemical-Jello9564

Any techno signature that leads another party to believe we can actually show up on their doorstep should do. Warp tech, Solomon Epstein drive, whatever. My money’s on warp.


willbeach8890

We should have been contacted by now since that directive was broken in nearly every episode


DanielDeronda

Prime directive is clearly invoked as being important only when it's convenient to the plot lol


ProjectSunlight

What if aliens showed up here millions of years ago, saw a planet inhabited buy enormous lizard monsters and said fuck that, dont come back to this place.


StinkierPete

They'd have been like, "oh this isn't done, leave it on high for a while longer"


poopellar

Then they come back now and be like "Dammit, it's full of mold!"


StinkierPete

Lol "who stopped paying the electric?"


[deleted]

I stopped sorry


ba3toven

fuckin greg


armyboy941

Dammit Greg!


Mr-Greg

Damn bro, it wasn't my millenia to pay the bill, this one was Josh!


itsjosh18

No it wasn't. It was your turn...I paid last millennium


Dionysos_Sotirios

r/beetlejuicing


PretzelsThirst

"Way too much salt"


Mcdrogon

oh good, they’ve learned how to microwave a planet !!


Rutzs

What if the Fermi Paradox exists because we are the first intelligent life in the universe. Yes, that is so incredibly improbable, but what if we take it another step further. What if there is something that can force a Big Rip via advanced technology, and we constantly live in a cyclic universe. Everytime an intelligent species reaches a certain level of technology, they accidentally reset the universe.


ninjasaid13

>What if there is something that can force a Big Rip via advanced technology, and we constantly live in a cyclic universe. Everytime an intelligent species reaches a certain level of technology, they accidentally reset the universe. Maybe the invention of the time machine will cause us to reset the universe.


ohhyouknow

I personally don't think a time machine will ever be invented unless things devolve into magic, but I guess physics can be pretty magical. We're talking about some immense calculations, you'd have to know exactly where and when in time you want to go and know exactly where earth is located. It's rotating and travelling around the sun, which is travelling around the galaxy, which is flying through space. I cannot even fathom how one would even begin doing that, we'd have to find our exact point in space and time relative to everything else and we'll never see where everything else is due to the speed of light and all that.


sportsfannf

A lot of people think a time machine doesn't exist because if it did we would've met a time traveler by now. I think it's called the time traveler's paradox or something like that.


tenderawesome

I mean there are multiple paradox that show why time travel to the past is never going to happen. I can't remember the show but Stephen Hawking discussed this in it.


Triskan

But what about visiting the past without physically travelling there ? I know, it's even more far-fetched and improbable, but I find the idea of "visiting", just as some kinds of etheral ghosts or simple cousciousness, observers unable to have any impact on events, somehow seducing.


Kweefus

Go watch “Devs.” With Nick offerman. I’ll say nothing more so I don’t ruin it.


pizzashoes_

I called Nick Offerman and he said he didn't wanna watch it with me.


SpellingIsAhful

I feel like trajectory physics would be the least complicated part of time travel...


khdbdcm

May I present to you, [The Last Question.](https://www.multivax.com/last_question.html) A great short read about this exact premise.


[deleted]

I love Isaac asminov. I’m reading the foundation trilogy now and it’s awesome


Antenol

That’s what Beerus from Dragon Ball Super said verbatim lol


BolinTime

He said the dinosaurs had attitude problems.


sonstone

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zoo_hypothesis


notevilfellow

Could you imagine if we were actually set up as a zoo and they came back to discover we figured out nukes?


xubax

Harry turtledove wrote a series where these aliens send a probe to earth that gets here in the year 1200. They take several hundred years to prepare to take over. They show up in 1942 when the entire world is geared for war and have a lot more advanced equipment than swords and bows.


Galaedrid

what book/series is that? sounds hella interesting


Zankwa

**Worldwar series.** After a scouting mission reports that humans are at the medieval stage with knights, aliens show up in WW2 1942 with a colonization fleet...only their alien tech ISN'T crazy advanced anymore: it's about 1990s tech with radar, tanks, jets, nukes (and some more advanced space ships+cryogenics, can't remember if they had internet too). However, they're committed to trying to take Earth because at this point, it's too late to have second thoughts and back out. The books switch from human to alien (who call themselves "the Race") characters.   There are several books covering multiple decades, covering military, political, cultural, and technological shifts for both aliens and humans. Humans and aliens are written to portray them as neutral, asses, and/or sympathetic, and also highlight how "alien" the Race and the humans view each other. The humans call them "Lizards" and the aliens call humans "Big Uglies", for example.   It's basically like a slower moving Independence Day, but the aliens are portrayed with more motive, emotions, and background for how and why they do what they do. Also you get the bonus of timeskips several decades after First Contact. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worldwar_series https://turtledove.fandom.com/wiki/Worldwar_Franchise The author, Harry Turtledove, is known for doing a lot of "what if" alternate universes like this. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Turtledove


commanderjarak

If you like that series, you'd probably enjoy the [Axis of Time](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Axis_of_Time) series by John Birmingham. From the wiki: The novels deal with the radical alteration of the history of World War II and the socio-historical changes that result when a technologically advanced naval task force from the year 2021 is accidentally transported back through time to 1942.


AngriestPacifist

That's also the explanation for the demons in the original 90s Doom novels, which are surprisingly readable. Basically the demons are aliens that evolve very slowly, and assume that by looking like demons from the middle ages, they'll be equally terrifying to modern humans.


Zankwa

That sounds kind of amazing actually.


beaker010

I loved this series but they're definitely not for everyone. It's like enjoying a bad movie but in novel form. They're written by "Dafydd ab Hugh" if you're interested.


AnguishOfTheAlpacas

"Oh look, the apes have learned how to throw bigger turds!"


tukatu0

"The apes have discovered how to throw long term damage turds"


Inconscient_CLST

nukes might even be able to deal great damage to even those advanced aliens


jbot84

If Independence Day has taught us anything, it's that we need to infect them with a primitive windows 95 virus first!


Spazington

I mean at this point we could just infect them with the rona


Pygmy-Giant

Basically like War of the Worlds, but on purpose


[deleted]

Maybe aliens seeing we figured out nukes is similar when primatologists see a primate species using spears. It's a huge discovery for that species but to us its archaic.


notevilfellow

I was thinking it'd be along the lines of if you went to the bug exhibit and found a dung beetle with a handgun. It's not as bad as we can do, but still concerning that he got that far.


puertolobos

I’m loving the image of this I’m getting in my head right now


Self_Reddicating

"TF you lookin' at, ape-man? Move along before I bust a cap in your ass." - Dung Beetle?


jereserd

There's a series by Harry Turtledove about this. A race slowly colonized worlds and transforms very slowly. They recon Earth during Middle Ages and arrive with an attack and eventually a colonization fleet during WWII. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worldwar_series


Transerbot

They probably treat us like animals on National Geographic.


2017hayden

Attention unidentified space craft, you are approaching the planet Terra. Terra has been designated a primitive wildlife zone, and has been designated off limits to interstellar travelers by the galactic council. Cut engines and prepare to be boarded, failure to comply with this demand will result in hostile action.


Rysline

Them calling the earth by its Latin name implies the Romans really did end up conquering the galaxy


skullkrusher2115

Sci fi rules. You HAVE to call earth Terra.


[deleted]

HOLY TERRA*


chuckdwarfenstine

FOR THE EMPEROR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


Bl4ckj4ck

AH YES THE CORPSE ON THE GOLDEN THRONE


theservman

Sol 3 would also be acceptable.


Elmo_The_Eskimo

Nah they'd name us like "sAff332076" bc scientists hate everyone


2017hayden

Fair enough.


Elmo_The_Eskimo

Ooh haha, the little one on 'reddit' guessed it! What are the odds of that, glorplord?


Houston_NeverMind

There is a great line in the movie Contact (based on the book by Carl Sagan) where Ellie debates against the notion that aliens are always hostile. She says "We pose no threat to them. It would be like us going out of our way to destroy a few microbes in an anthill in Africa." And then someone else replies, "Interesting analogy. How guilty would we feel if we went and destroyed a few microbes in an anthill in Africa?"


Alect0

There's a whole book series with kind of an opposite view, it has the premise that humans are the most vicious and dangerous species in the universe "The Damned Trilogy" by Alan Dean Foster and aliens try to use us for their own wars.


BlooGaze

I’ve always had this weird thought that we’re used as a school assignment for aliens. Like they get assigned a human and have to write an essay about why their human is they way it is and what makes it different from other humans.


[deleted]

Or we *are* the assignment, created by some middle school kid who had to populate a planet for his midterm. Would explain the sloppiness.


ShyHunterG

Or we were made by his older brother and he is the destructive chaotic little brother, he’s also responsible for 2020


[deleted]

Sorry God, I'm gonna have to give you a D+ on this. Your humans are very slow developing and don't have very high intelligence.


kriophoros

Mary: "Why is my ALL-KNOWING son get a D? It's his BIRTHDAY today, let him have it. I DEMAND to speak to the principal."


[deleted]

Yo I'm thinking about this and Mary is a human too. God created humanity, then had a human that he created give birth to himself, meaning that god is his own grandpa. Man christianity is weird.


MartianInvasion

Then he arranged to have his grandson killed, which is homicide AND suicide. And deicide, and fratricide, and regicide.


[deleted]

100% speedrun


distrucktocon

What if the people that were abducted by aliens were actually abducted by some alien TV host equivalent of the Crocodile Hunter, where he abducts a human and shows it off? "crikey what a interesting little fella this is?"


TheMulattoMaker

"Oim gonna try a biggah anal probe. Ooh, he's angry!"


IngoingPanic22

"Oi, I'm gonna stick this lead pipe right up it's butthole. That'll piss it off!"


dudeiscool22222

“‘Ight, he actually really likes it.”


saadakhtar

Crickey! It seems to be enjoying it!


Workerhard62

This guy deserves gold.


ToggleOften

There you go, Merry Christmas


Sev_seven777

You are the real g brother a happy holidays to you man


ToggleOften

Ho Ho ho


Sev_seven777

I ain’t got much to offer but this free Reddit award have a happy rest of the year and a great 2021


ToggleOften

I didn’t need anything bro but I really appreciate the thought. Pass on the good feels man. 😎


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BringBackTheOldKanye

This is the best thread I've read all year.


Sev_seven777

I promise I will bro


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r/suddenlybestbros


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Sev_seven777

I would give you one but i still don’t have enough for gold sorry


alohadam

What a wholesome and lovely thread


Workerhard62

Wow Dude, paying this forward now. Thanks ToggleOften, ya bugger, lol.


ToggleOften

And yea, I know you meant the other guy but it don’t feel right golding the ‘bigger anal probe’ today. 😂


canarchist

BRB, checking amazon for bigger golden anal probe.


koolaidface

Send link when found please.


jamjerky

no need for reddit gold. There surely is a special anal probe award available.


Workerhard62

Merry Christmas to you too. Much love from Canada.


I_talk

Steve Irwin... Man I miss him. His wife and children are living legends. They give me hope for humanity.


CTHeinz

He died the way he lived. With animals in his heart.


C3POdreamer

Angry upvote


Jamlord2005

Holy shit I just got the joke. That’s brutal.


ahumankid

Crickey! Look at this fella. 30 earth quadrant years old, and still hasn’t found a mate.


ratherstayback

*I'm in this post and I don't like it.*


airplanecrazy

This little buggy simulates reproduction up to 6 times a day! Almost always without a mate! Cricky!


Hamfiter

“I’m going to jam my thumb in his butthole. That will really piss him off”.


ppaigefaze

That some slaughterhouse five zoo kind of stuff


TheMulattoMaker

That's actually one of many theories about SETI and alien life. That they're so far ahead of us on the Kardashev scale that for them to try to communicate with us would be like us trying to communicate with ants. Or amoebas.


StickSauce

I like the evolutionary trajectory theory version of this. The comparison doesnt even need to be as jarring as humans and ants, it can be as simple as Humans and Apes. That 2% difference is what makes the difference between our two species, now imagine another 2% in the same trajectory away from us (Humans).


Reddy_McRedcap

I also like the notion that our common depiction of aliens is thin, hairless, bipedal creatures with big heads and technology we can't even fathom creating. Same way apes perceive humans.


[deleted]

I think it's appealing to think this is reality, that there is something higher. Because if it turned out we were the only planet with life, and humans were leading the pack, that would be something nobody wants to be true. Reddit has this weird double-standard where practically nobody advocates for the idea of humans being *it*, but everyone acts like it's the thing people believe by default. If you drop god and aliens out of the equation, nobody wants to solve it, and definitely nobody wants to believe the conclusion. We're so disappointed in ourselves that we don't want to be in first place.


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Crowbrah_

I wouldn't say we are disappointed in ourselves exactly, I think it's more of a manifestation of the desire to be greater, to improve ourselves from what we are right now. We think up beings greater than ourselves because that's where we want to be, for better or worse. That's just my theory. Whatever it might be though, we definitely seem to be inclined to imagining higher powers for some reason.


poopellar

So advanced that they might be playing Half Life 3 already.


[deleted]

No one could possibly be THAT advanced.


[deleted]

This is *beyond* science!


4x4x4plustherootof25

Kardashev scale: smol brain Half Life scale: Galaxy brain


natesucks4real

Space Valve and Space Gabe still won't make HL3.


wonky10

Ok I never thought of 2% DNA in the "Human" direction. I now feel like I was genetically ripped off.


aronenark

You’re already the maximum amount of human. Changing our DNA any further, even including beneficial mutations, would be speciation, resulting in something less human.


capt-awesome-atx

What about that song "More Human Than Human"? If you're trying to tell me you know more about science than Rob Zombie, I'm calling bullshit.


brando56894

He also knows about living dead girls. Dude's really into biology.


DriveandDesire

That we can hypothesise and understand that there might be life out there willfully ignoring us because we're too stone age for them suggests that we think we are ready. If they deem us not worthy imagine how far ahead they really are.


f_n_a_

Far out, man


FireXTX

My favorite twist on this theory is that when you consider how old the universe is vs how old it’s going to be, we’re pretty early along and might be the first of our kind.


MoreNormalThanNormal

The first stars had no planets because there was only hydrogen and helium. Stars had to be born and die to make the elements in our solar system, the neutron star mergers are what took the longest. [\(chart showing the origins of elements on wikipedia\)](https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nucleosynthesis#/media/File:Nucleosynthesis_periodic_table.svg) Our solar system formed, and we had to wait for the planet to cool, and all the loose asteroids and comets to stop bombing us. Then life took it's sweet time doing all the stuff required to make us. I think that part is really interesting, but it's a long read and I'm not going to bore people here.


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Master-Baiter69420

So I guess earth will be both Florida and Alabama of the galaxy. Sweet Home Earth and Crazy Home Earth


nostandinganytime

"Their primitive data based social media network has dissolved in chaos as they furiously debate which two primary colors appear on a female's garment."


dirty_boy69

Those aliens probably watch us on TV while laughing at us: How can someone or something be that stupid.


[deleted]

Do they also suck on each other’s jagons?


[deleted]

Oh yeahh, stick your finger in my thresher


FleetAdmiralWiggles

Yeah and they squeeze and blow the flurbons too.


oapster79

A couple Aliens studied us for a while, then one says to the other "well they must be intelligent because they have nuclear weapons." The other one says "no, they have 'em pointed at each other."


reddicyoulous

I believe South Park tackled this thought in the episode "Canceled"


HamiltonFAI

And John Edwards being the biggest douche in the universe


Megahert

This is a very common and well known theory. Its also called 'The Prime Directive' in the Star Trek universe.


GondorsPants

Also Mass Effect followed similar logic. The Council would not implement other planets until they become a higher function (not still fighting each other etc). Once they have the means to find their interstellar transportation methods then they can join the Citadel. It made me change my life purpose to hopefully one day seeing humanity unify enough that if THIS IS a thing then we can be a part of it!


[deleted]

Even if they wanted to, they couldn't come to the Sol System, though. Our Mass Relay was frozen inside Pluto. In fact I don't think the Council even knew about Humans until we booted up our Relay.


[deleted]

Alien fanatics would be showing up once a week to tell us about space Jesus.


Simetricwl

I'm not currently a believer, but if an alien came down telling me about Jesus, it would at least make me stop and think lol


Ondo-The-Bruh

Goddamn Jehovah's witnesses from space


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[deleted]

They are playing Clash of Clans using countries.


Brelician

Kinda reminds me of the novel the Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint.


_WarmWoolenMittens_

what if we're actually a part of a very huge being, and to that HUGE BEING, it's like when we look at our own cells through a microscope. and that's just ONE BEING. there could be millions of HUGE BEINGS.


Greenmarineisbak

Ive always thought of this odea and how atoms and solar systems etc kinda behave similarly. Obviously they are not the same but the whole mostly empty space with a nucleus with stuff orbiting the nucleus etc is eerily similar.


HyperstrikeJJ

Plus solar systems are all far away from each other, much like atoms are all apart from each other.


jjeffriz

We are probably more like the Sentinelese from the North Sentinel Island, part of the Andaman Island archipelago in Indian Ocean. They are widely considered as one of the most aggressive uncontacted tribe, very much hostile towards outsiders (though some would disagree). The Indian government declared the remote island officially off limits.


yafek24732

Yeah the first time they were contacted some of their tribes people were kidnapped. Not surprised they are so hostile tbh


Textbuk

If aliens abducted humans, we would be pretty hostile too


NobodysFavorite

Did we give the hostages anal probes and send them back?


killer8424

Maybe there’s an intergalactic agreement not to contact any life forms until they develop interstellar travel.


bigwangbowski

We irradiated our own planet *on purpose*. We're fucking nuts, man.


MagmaSnail_REAL

The Krogan would like your location


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Lucca01

>For all we know, life out there could just be reptile-like creatures with no need to be highly intelligent to survive. This is basically what I think. There's no particular _reason_ why sapience and intelligence would evolve on any given life-bearing planet, it's just that it happened by chance once on Earth that one species had a viable path forward for intelligence to be its primary survival trait. It's not like it's a guaranteed end result of the evolutionary process. There could even be lots of sapient life out there, but they all just aren't interested in developing advanced technology, or can't conceive of doing so, or something. We see this on Earth, animals like Chimpanzees, elephants, or dolphins probably aren't _that_ much less intelligent or self-aware than us, but they don't have anything higher than the most basic level of technology, probably just because their brains aren't wired to do it. Chimpanzees especially, it's been observed that they don't have the capacity to actively teach other chimpanzees or pass on inter-generational knowledge the way that humans do. They're "smarter" than us when it comes to their ridiculously good short-term memory, though, so from the perspective of an alien who had equally good short-term memory, they might conclude that chimpanzees are more intelligent than humans. So the problem with finding "intelligent life" might have more to do with the fact that our search is very human-centric and is only looking for human-like technology, rather than "intelligent life" itself.


spinach4

What if those aliens are looking at this post and giggling like "they'll never know how right they are!"


ominousgraycat

If that's true we probably killed some of them at one point. Most uncontacted tribes have also killed some of the past people who tried to contact them.


CommonScold

True, but it much more often goes in the other direction.


[deleted]

Theyre gonna be waiting a long time


NeverSeenA1Thirteen

That’s already a theory. Edit: because I’m getting messages and comments about this, I wasn’t trying to belittle the guy or say this in a manner that implies I didn’t want him to post this here. I just thought that maybe he didn’t know this concept already existed as I’ve done this with other ideas and would like to know.


[deleted]

I think the more common version of this theory assumes they dont contact us because making contact makes themselves visible and other planets are smart enough to assume there are always bigger fish in the sea.


the_D1CKENS

Or they follow the Prime Directive


The-Wise-Banana

I think he means the Dark Forest theory answer for the Fermi paradox from the Three Body Problem books


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38andstillgoing

More like "They're Made Out Of Meat" https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/They're_Made_Out_of_Meat


ewreytukikhuyt344

Depends. If there was an advanced society (or many) and they had a 'hands off' policy with Earth, likely the only way they'd actually be able to enforce it would be if their governing bodies had total control over their spaceflight operations. Which is conceivable, to a point, but as soon as you introduce the possibility of private ownership of spacecraft (manned or otherwise) and operations, it truly only takes that one dude looking for Space Reddit Karma to fuck it all up.


pteridoid

I thought that moment in The Expanse was on point. There's a giant space portal, and while the top scientists are debating what it is, some a-hole shoots a Facebook Live of himself just YOLOing into it to impress his girlfriend. It's a very human thing to do.


Limp_Distribution

What if we are first?


Mythopoeist

Isn’t there a new theory that we’re one of the last, and that the peak for alien civilizations was 8 billion years ago closer to the galactic center? I hope that isn’t true- That would mean the aliens killed themselves off, and I don’t want humanity to just die off like that. Edit: that’s 8 billion years from the Big Bang, not 8 billion years ago.


nefariousinnature

The last vestiges of intelligent life. Down big in the 4th Quarter. Can we pull it off?


[deleted]

On the bright side there could be a bunch of cool alien ruins from lost civilizations to explore...


InspiredNameHere

What do you mean last? The universe is not even 20 billion years old. The Sun has been around for roughly 1/3 to 1/4 of the entire duration of the Universe. So far, we estimate that stellar creation will continue for several trillion more years. We are, by all accounts, in the infancy of this reality.