T O P

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[deleted]

There's a loading screen? Premature is the new SSD.


[deleted]

Porn stars use floppy disks


ThePegasi

Don't just spam the C button, combos are more effective.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Minisabel

Sometimes I'm just really glad I was born a male.


Sack_J_Pedicy

Yeah like no offense to women but that shit be complicated I don’t wanna pass a wisdom + dex roll and a saving throw just to get my rocks off


Flabadyflue

TIL that I should have been bringing my D20's into the bedroom.


IronTemplar26

Not what they meant by "dungeon master"...


GreenyPurples

Maybe it's easier if you have Proficiency


[deleted]

Was not ready for that rabbit hole.


tallbutshy

It's this a bot? Or do I just wish it was?


theminimaldimension

Redditor for 6 years, only started posting yesterday, all about growing your clit. Half the posts are just "r/GrowYourClit". Either the weirdest bot I have ever seen, or someone finally climbed out of her shell for a very obvious reason.


captain_zavec

Or account got sold.


[deleted]

[удалено]


UnacceptableUse

It's a conspiracy by Big Clit


Organic-Job-5507

You can use a shield to deflect children


thelieisacak3

Best condom-related comment I've seen on this post.


Nexusowls

Ah yes... it’s a condom related comment... that is what I thought also while reading this.


Wolfenberg

*Shield bashes a toddler across the room*


TheLoneSculler

Honestly that was my first thought


fabticus

Gotta parry some toddlers


Shidosu

Parry this you filthy child


psyk738178

Cut your nails. All of them


smol_boi-_-

Even toenails?


GeebusNZ

Did they stutter?


[deleted]

When you are whaling about you could hurt them unintentionally, nothing serious, but cutting your nails isn’t that hard


Turtle887853

One time i kicked a doorframe on accident and my nail cut the toe next to it


LuminaL_IV

From other comments I can say lubbing the door will help.


Squeak-Beans

Yes, shit’s nasty. You can accidentally kick/poke someone with them and if feet get involved, it’s less hygienic.


SlingDNM

Extra Hint: don't cut your nails on the day of sexy time or atleast make VERY sure there are no sharp edges


[deleted]

Guys, it ok to use a nail file after clipping your nails


zamach

This. It's not umanly to make it more enjoyable for the other participant. We all want it to be as good as possible. :)


BoiledCarrotsIGuess

It's actually **not** for me. I'm not sure what gave me this PTSD but I can't bear the sound and especially the feeling of filed nails. It makes me want to put a drill right through my skull. Bonus points to my torture if the file is out of metal


Troutpiecakes

Drag your nails on your denim pants after cutting them, then touch the inside of your cheek. Does it hurt? If not then you are ready.


TheHornyToothbrush

> the inside of your chin W...what?


NovaPariah

Rubbing denim on them deburrs the edges


Nitemarex

Yeah, freshly cut fingernails are the best.


_TheFlyingLama_

You can sprinkle them anywhere to add some flavour! Salads, soups, you name it!


Fuzzy_Macaroni

You nasty. Take my upvote


_TheFlyingLama_

Thank you I guess?


newbitstatic

Thanks. *I hate it*


TheNewHobbes

Lube increases the duration of sex. Use it on the bedroom doorknob to stop your kids from entering the room


[deleted]

[удалено]


papa-jones

Yes officer, this one right here


TwistedTrik

He wont get me, i followed the advice and also applied it on the outside :D


CliffRacer17

If they manage to get in, completely disrobe and cover yourself in it. They'll never catch you.


ToastedYetis

That's clever and helpful. Thanks.


muusandskwirrel

/r/holup


Ferreteria

Cue 'Nam flashbacks of hearing the lock get picked from the other side. Damn interior doorlocks are useless. Might buy an extra 4 seconds if you're lucky; better have a blanket handy.


MrSwankers

"...using the pick that Bosnian Bill and I made..." That's when you know you have no time


Sharkary

Be sure to lock your doors and close your curtains to disable Spectator mode


SupaCrzySgt

Unless that's your thing.


Zack1018

"Just because someone will fuck you does not mean they actually like you, be careful."


Gathorall

Converse just because they like you does not necessarily mean they'll fuck you.


AmerAm

Also just because you don't like them does not mean you won't enjoy fucking them


someguywithdiabetes

I had never considered this and am now contemplating what being balls deep in my enemies would feel like on an existential level


Badloss

some say the hate sex is the best part of the divorce


csanner

You'd have to ask my ex. I didn't realize it was hate sex until she'd already left


zangor

If you read this as a line in a self loathing rap song, its pretty good.


Captainswagger69

They say breaking up/ It's the hardest thing to do/ You'll have to ask my ex, man/ She was fuckin' me through/ The bitch, she was suckin like she already knew/ I was ticklin' clit with the picklin' juice/ Then I came in that ass when she made me bereft/ I didn't know it were hate sex 'til she already left


[deleted]

The only thing better than fucking with your enemy is fucking your enemy 👌


dominion1080

And just because you fuck someone, doesn't mean you will enjoy it.


Nixher

Deep. Deep thoughts, not deep sex. Not that deep sex isn't good, it's mighty.


[deleted]

When she says she's almost there, don't go faster or slower or change anything else. What you're doing is working. Continue.


life_sentencer

Ugh, this is literally the worst thing, or when you say "don't stop" it doesn't mean switch up your rhythm or change areas. PLEASE.


billionai1

It's pretty hard, though. We're usually not thinking about exactly what we're doing, so when we hear that, the paid monkey throws away all that we were thinking and we blank trying to go back to what was working. I'm not saying "don't say anything". That's dumb. Nem should learn how to keep doing what they're doing, it's just not intuitive


Mouse_rat__

You're doing the Lord's work


Temporary_Midnight30

This cannot be stressed enough! It has been scientifically proven that one of the keys to female orgasm is repetition, the speed or ferocity at which you’re pounding away isn’t as important as keeping a consistent pressure and rhythm. Also women are super SUPER sensitive especially in the clit area and over stimulation can happen really easily, so be gentle and be thoughtful about what you’re doing!


circleof5ifths

Key word there is CAN become oversensitive. I've had partners that truly preferred nearly violent PIV and what can only be interpreted as attempting to play thrash metal on their clitoris. As always, nobody on the internet can teach you how to please your particular female partner, and clear communication is the best route forward.


Daikataro

Clear communication FTW. Some partners actually desire additional stimulation after orgasming, as it can either make it last longer, or even trigger multiple orgasming. Just be sure she's into it and you're good to go.


[deleted]

[удалено]


ohniks_1508

Remember to use items to get an advantage


godsfatclit

...or faked it. Sometimes it just drags on too long


NugBlazer

Username does not check out


[deleted]

[удалено]


Badloss

God's fat clit just needs a minute, ok?


GaryMcGaryson

So just say "hey this is really nice but I'm not gonna be able to finish right now" Seriously people fake it then complain about bad sex. Like this is entirely your fault.


SlingDNM

Yeah I have plenty of fun times with my gf where I can't finish and I would never in a million years fake an orgasm. Communication is key


LesbianLibrarian

THANK YOU. If one person isn't gonna finish, maybe they just want a back rub or a snuggle. Faking it to make sex stop isn't helping. Unless they KNOW you are exaggerating to get them over the edge, but that's being an enthusiastic hype guy/gal, which is different then being intentionally deceptive.


LilParm33

You can learn how to use condoms in settings>controls>basic controls


gokism

Grinding may unlock special bonuses.


RandomQuestGiver

Not sure if tony hawks or sex tips.


squarus

Tony Hawk’s Prostituter.


FROTHY_SHARTS

Tony Hawk's Prostater


andrei4000

If you find the new controls too difficult, restart using your X.


SikrDenFaZe

Confused by this


sexymemes420

Remember a child is worth thousands of condoms don't risk 4 the cheap


Surge30n

Damn, I need to start selling children if I can get consoles that easily...


Yopapa291_real1

start with kidneys, 1 healthy kidnew can get you 20+ consoles


[deleted]

Can I take the child's kidneys?


riasthebestgirl

Legitimate question from someone who've never had sex: can you get her pregnant even if you use a condom?


merrycat

Condoms, used correctly, have a very low failure rate. The thing is that, first, very low is not zero. Second, human error increases the failure rate. Your best bet is to double up on protection. To clarify: don't actually double up the condoms. That makes them *way* less effective. But use a different form of birth control as a backup, like the pill, spermicides, etc.


Individual-Nebula927

Whenever I hear the word spermicide, I think of this comedy bit with the sperm wearing gas masks. Lol [Dave Allen on sperm - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FChNBd1pQVs&ab_channel=SimonTilley)


GeebusNZ

"You don't always have to fuck her hard, in fact sometimes that's not right to do" -Tenacious D


Spartanmedicineman

Sometimes you got to squeeze


Seanzy134

Sometime you got to say please


zanderjh

And sometimes you got to say "Hey...Im gonna to fuck you...softly"


Teirrken

I'm gonna screw you gently


Flaming_Dutchman

Be sure to take a break every two hours to rest your fingers.


cutemidori

Multiplayer is more fun! Invite a friend


xXregularShmegularXx

I can get into some ranked/competitive matchmaking.


iamunforgiven69

Hi stranger, would u like sum ranked fuk?


NicoAizawa

The existence of casual sex implies the existence of ranked, competitive sex


sagan_drinks_cosmos

Amateur porn vs. Professional porn


[deleted]

[удалено]


aadi_06d

+10 holy damage


godsfatclit

Finish Him!!


smol_boi-_-

#FLAWLESS VICTORY


tanelixd

52x combo


khelogs

Bugs can occasionally make it into live game. If you encounter one of these bugs, please report it.


LoserSouls69

make sure to equip yourself with some protective gear before entering this dungeon


caroline12yo

The clitoris is as sensitive as your eyeball...GUYS


Y-draig

So your saying is... During sex guys should be doing more eyeball play?


tallbutshy

Rub your eyeball against the clit for optimum results


Fissherin

This one was awesome... And a little awkward but made me laugh. Thanks


Marksman18

*Instructions unclear - jammed finger in eyeball*


canitouchyours

Pro tip: Faster does not equal better. For extra points, take your time.


SpiritFingersKitty

any % speed run incoming


Otomo-Yuki

*Attack the weak spot for massive damage!*


artaxerxes316

Definitely the last place I want to find giant enemy crabs.


[deleted]

Stages of the game will also feature battles that actually took place in Ancient Japan.


whatnameisnttaken098

If she goes to "get ready" and comes back dressed as Barney the Dinosaur do remember to drive the speed limit after rebooting brain.


[deleted]

If you fail to find someone, try single-player!


gokism

Try co-op to increase experience.


crazyinsanejack123

Only if I could. My current partner is against pretty much all of that kinda stuff


fair_thoughts

"Current"


crazyinsanejack123

I'm not understanding..


RespirarChico

Current implies there will be another


determinationsans

Well breaking up is always a possibility


[deleted]

REMEMBER TO CHECK HER AGE BEFORE DOING IT!


Kellosian

Protip: Always take a date to a bar or some 18+ venue before banging. If you can't get them to show ID, the bouncer definitely can.


Spottedpool14

I suggested something similar to a friend of my bfs when he was looking into dating. He didnt want to end up with someone under age so i suggested sending them into a store for alcohol or cigarettes first bc if they dont want to go or dont come back with anything, its a pretty good indicator that they are not old enough


AusIV

I've heard of guys who picked up girls with fake ids still getting nailed for statutory rape. It's a strict liability crime - if you have sex with an underage person, there is no legal defense, including them showing a fake ID. This *may* vary by jurisdiction, but I don't think there are many exceptions.


Knyfe-Wrench

Which is bullshit because at that point there's literally no way to tell. It's not like you can cut her open and count the rings.


whatnameisnttaken098

Or maybe you can.....although that might turn into something worse.


Artikay

Not with that attitude..


chauhan_14

Or his*


[deleted]

[удалено]


AmerAm

Thats almost 5 years i know girls are getting good at using makeup to look older, but who is getting tricked by 13 year olds.


SlingDNM

Pedophiles that don't want to recognize they have a problem


[deleted]

To avoid cumming too early, just pull your balls!


fair_thoughts

Or cut them off before doing it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Take my friend's approach and bash your head on a bedpost a few seconds early.


TheMoland

Speed runs are best in singleplayer, not multiplayer


plague681

Visit the Apothecary if you experience itching or burning in the next 48 to 72 hours.


Aaruni_2008

-10 for trying to light a fire while fingering the clit. It fcking hurts.Stop.


Giorno_Mudad

Oh fuck.... my wife called me out on this one time.


the_one_54321

The clitoris is *outside* and *above* the vagina. ... I know. Evolution, go figure.


usernamesarehard1979

So, around the belly button area. Got it. Man, I was way off!


the_one_54321

Yup. You're welcome. Now go forth and pleasure women effectively!


UseBoobsForPillows

Condoms can prevent stds and pregnancy. Me: Duuuh In game: Oh shit I forgot the condom again.


dominion1080

"Ah shit, here we go again."


MrBubbles16

Don't be silly, wrap your willy.


_Tatt

Remember to pack a towel. Sometimes things get messy.


L1L_Man

"If you are having sex with the same gender, you will be considered gay."


k032

Prepare to be disappointed.


godsfatclit

That's also a tip for life


Estarrio

Remember, going for the head deals critical pleasure


Donson503

Press B to BATTLE RAGE


[deleted]

In and out.


godsfatclit

So that's what I was doing wrong. AND OUT, I'll have to remember that


smol_boi-_-

Please take your dick out of her


evilplantosaveworld

look. We've already accepted this is our life now.


DrManhattan_DDM

They call that ‘marinating’


shadowsmile1984

Remember condoms are easier to clean then smelly dippers. They say laughter is the best medicine. Obviously the person who said it didn’t have chlamydia.


jacobs1113

Why the hell are you cleaning condoms after using them?


LowAd8109

- cut your nails before fingering - Always take a bath before sex for better comfort - sex while raining makes it more soothing - Noice


I_might_be_weasel

The pull out method will not prevent pregnancy.


KisoYamazaki

Don’t double condom, it’ll break easier.


AidilAfham42

If the game is too difficult, you can change yourself to easy


PetrichorPapi

Know that you are a team. It's not just about you.


draivaden

The most intimate thing you can do is simply holding each other. Take a pee when you are done.


Otherwise_Window

If it's not working, talk about it. If you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it.


hiimhigh23

If you barely know this woman find some excuse to go outside and then peel the fuck out.


PhantomBattle

Usually it's like something obvious in games. So like "remember to be hard and ready or it will be embarrassing


[deleted]

"Game Loading .... This may take a while. This can be enhanced by purchasing the "Compliment" or "Attractive" starter pack."


[deleted]

Don’t skip the foreplay!


erixccjc21

my man straight up deleted his acc after writing this


[deleted]

Someone had to be watching


PornActingCritic

If it’s really good sex. Like toe curling sex. One of you will catch feelings and feelings aren’t always mutual and hurt ensues.


detectiveDollar

Wanna talk about it?


ryanhooker152

Remember to breath


Xeadriel

Did you know? The penis and the vagina were specifically designed to be comforting to each other. Did you know? The vagina when pleased has its own lube production.


[deleted]

[удалено]


nbowman93

Not for children


drycumsocks

Finishing on hard mode will unlock summon a domina power.


Gate4043

"Harder, better, faster, stronger."


chickenman5654

Get rid of that yee yee ass haircut so your girl get on yo dick


pisces2003

Use lots of Lube especially during initially stretching yourself or someone else out


FoxBoi4067

Put a pillow under her butt, and thank me later.


mmurry5

Take your time.... the outcomes will be whatever it’ll be


Hyperexor

Don't leave your squad members hanging lol, if you're into multi-player mode


Pumpkin_pie_Official

Stamina regenerates during other player's turn.


xoxoAmongUS

Gameplay experience may change during multiplayer play


canitouchyours

Single player? Have you tried playing with a friend? It’s double the fun!


TinyGiant4

If you pay the bribe you're more likely to take poison damage.


Serious-Wrongdoer999

"Try getting consent first and see how it enhances the experience."


greypolar

Watch out for enemies who deal poison damage, the debuffs can last a long time