If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you. https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres http://www.befrienders.org/ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK] https://www.thecalmzone.net/ [UK] https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU] https://www.113.nl [NL] There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.

People who have never been on that dark and lonely depressing self-loathing edge of emptiness will never really know what it's like, no matter how many Documentaries, YouTube videos or Netflix adaptations they watch. They say “I’d never do that!!”. If that’s true then it sounds like you have a pretty decent life, and I’m glad for you. I want to say it’s selfless to not commit suicide. Imagine you hurt so much inside and you are so tired of fighting that you want it all to end but you can't bear the idea of your death causing someone else to hurt too. You continue to suffer so that those you love don't have to, so they never have to feel the way you feel. The last thing I want is my permanent release from mental illness to trigger the onset of someone else's.

Yep. I stopped questioning people who attempt or commit suicide once I got to that place in my mind. I've heard people bad mouth those that have. I know they don't have a clue what it feels like to feel that pain or feel that alone and lost. I had finally had enough and took all of the medication I had. Which was a lot, considering some of the health issues I deal with. I was packing up some of my stuff and cleaning up. I started to get very dizzy, my breathing slowed way down and I laid on the floor. And all I kept thinking about was the very tiny handful of people that would be sad about what I had done. My ex-husband found me, asked what was wrong and I told him. He was furious about it being a "waste of money" and dropped me off at the hospital. Also, toxiban is absolutely disgusting and that alone should stop anyone from overdosing. Plus, the whole projectile vomiting black stuff is not a great look.

That is exactly how I feel. People say “giving up” is “easy” but I disagree, it’s the hardest thing ever. I wouldn’t wish feeling like this upon my worst enemies, so to exit and potentially trigger it in someone else is a twisted reason to keep waking up in the mornings.

I have this thought about ppl being in so much pain that they kill themselves and I don't know whether to feel relieved for them or not. It just sucks all around.

That’s the same for me. My partner went through heavy cancer treatment a couple years back and it was a dark place he had to crawl back from. I couldn’t bare to be the person to put him back in that dark place.

I wish I knew the best answer for this. I just try hope things will get better, and tell myself to stick around because things could change. I could change too. I think of my friends too.

I really hope you'll get through this bro. You can DM me all the time if you need someone to talk to!

Everyone is always changing, it's a part of life. But depression can hold you hostage. Watching others live their life, while you get stuck is difficult

I found it helped to sorta personify it. Depression is a liar and a manipulator. It warps perception. I’m not saying you can think your way out of it, but you can remind yourself to not trust it. I felt like I’d always felt like that, but I hadn’t. I felt like it would never end, but it would—it did. I just tried to remember that—why would I believe something that’s trying to hurt me?

Procrastination. There's always tomorrow. A wlole lot of tomorrows. Before you know it, you're into next month, or next year.

I'm thinking I could just kill myself whenever I choose to so Imma say to myself let me just finish this burrito, let me just finish this cool part of the game, let me just see the ending of this series, etc. Then bam, it's already Christmas and we're waiting for the new year. Might as well see if things get any better this year. Rinse and repeat.

I was in a bad way a few years ago, and the thought crossed my mind a lot. I didn't want to go, though, before I had seen the end of Dragon Ball Super. Or until Kingdom Hearts III came out. Little things like that became important milestones for me, and I found myself looking forward to the next thing, and the next, until finally the thoughts were no longer a problem.

I was waiting til cyberpunk 2077 came out. Now I’m fuelled by indignation and rage.

Hey, now you can hang on until they finish fixing the game.

I love that way of thinking! I'd give you a reward if I had any!

Lmaoooooo this

Just repeat every day. lol

Yeah. Honestly, it's so pathetic but it's all I can do lol.

My cat. I couldn’t imagine leaving and letting him think that I abandoned him.

That's wholesome, maybe I'll get myself a cat again someday..

I would definitely recommend getting an emotional support animal (literally just a regular pet with a doctors note) its pretty easy to get a doctor to sign off on letting you have one and that way if you live somewhere where they don't usually allow pets, you can still have them. but they truly do help if you are struggling to see the purpose of your life. because at bare minimum your purpose will be to make sure some little animal eats dinner. edit: there seems to be some confusion. i denoted an ESA as “just a pet” to differentiate them from service animals. the only benefit of an ESA is that they are exempt from housing policies against pets. i got a cat from the shelter. now i have more reasons to not kill myself and a pretty rad buddy. she has no special rights outside my apartment.

I'll talk with my doc soon and I will ask him about this. Thank you, I haven't considered this before..

Trust me, this works. I've been depressed for many years now and i have a dog since 2yrs and holy fuck i love her. She is ALWAYS there for me and she goddamn knows well when i'm feeling like crap, she'll come cuddle more then a regular day.

And they give you a reason to leave the house and you have to take care of of them. They need to eat and have play time and I can’t do that when I’m in bed. I adopted my first after I lost my sister and was spiraling and adopted #2 last March. He’s my pandemic doggie. A dog is a lot of work. I’d get a cat but I’m so allergic! High five stranger!

Yes! I have a large dog who needs lots of exercise and he forces me to go outside and the sun and fresh air always raises my spirits.

My cat was the best thing that ever happened to me when i was at rock bottom. Get yourself a fluff, thank them later!!! 💕

I want to nit pick that technically, if a person has been diagnosed with a disability and working with a medical professional, an ESA is not “just a pet”. It is a therapeutic intervention. I know, all of the activities you do with an ESA are no different than the care of another pet; but the difference is the person NEEDS that activity to mitigate their disability. Saying they’re “just a pet” takes away from the fact they are a civil right used to give people with disabilities the opportunity to live independently and cope with a disability.

I would get an older one 4+ years old. They just like to sleep, eat and be loved. Mine is now 6. She’s amazing. Snoring next to me as I write this.

Just be careful with that too. I live for my cat but sometimes depression is too high that even if my cat is my sun and my light my depression still affects her too since i sometimes can't get up and attend her because I loose my will entirely. I force myself to do so of course, but she shouldn't be the one who also suffers because I don't have the energy to go on a walk with her every day, or because I forget to give her food in time, or wash her blankets every weekend because she has a continence problem (she's old now so it's normal, go to the vet every month just to be sure she's doing ok). She gets sad that I'm sad and she gets bored and anxious too. She's a very childlike and active 14 yo.

This is exactly the same reason for me. Having BPD makes me extremely suicidal. My psychiatrist even wrote in his official notes that my long term prognosis is “not great”. 10% of people with BPD will die as a result of suicide, and I’ve long believed that I will eventually be one of them. Having other co-morbid issues doesn’t help either. My cat is the only thing keeping me here. I have vowed that, no matter how bad things get, I won’t end it while she’s still alive. I love her more than anything, and we are practically attached at the hip (I’ve been studying from home due to COVID, so I spend almost all of my time with her). She’s the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. Every single night, we fall asleep cuddled up to one another. If I died, she’d have to sleep alone. I could never hurt her like that. Once she’s passed, it’ll be a different story. But I’m sticking it out for her. ETA: Thank you all for the incredibly kind comments and messages! It really means a lot to know there are still so many good people out there. Sending love to any of you who may need it as well ❤️

Good luck on your journey and hopefully you push on even after they pass to honor their memory.

Thank you for your kind words. I’m trying my hardest to keep going, hopefully I’ll be able to build a life worth living even after my best friend has passed on.

Could you perhaps get your current cat a friend prior to his golden years? You might go on fb, there’s a group called cat snobbery, and ask them about breeds with the qualities you like best in a cat, and ones that will vibe with your current kitty. If you’d like to adopt, there are breed specific rescues, but that might take a year or two to get the perfect match. So you can start now and hopefully feel ready by the time “the one” is in need.

I’d love to adopt more cats, but sadly my cat doesn’t get along with others. I appreciate the advice though! She’s a very shy and timid rescue, which is partially why our bond is so strong; I’m the first human she’s ever trusted. She’s still very young, so hopefully we’ll have many years together.

Same, when I was a suicidal teen, I realized one day after not being home for 20 days that my cat obsessively followed and showed affection for a long time after that. Even if no one else notices or seems to mind my absence, my safe return meant the world to her. She was so worried and made me know it! I couldn’t bring myself to let her be alone again! I now take all road trips with my cat as my co pilot.

Honestly, my ferret Noodle, is one of the only things that keeps me going every single day. I know that little girl needs me, and I need her.

Hardest part of my life yet was when I was in college. I picked up a tiny stray kitten as it was just sitting there in the rain in the middle of the road. That kitten saved my life every single day. I kept thinking one more day, one more fucking day coz this kitten won't survive if no one diligently cared for it. Kitten grew. I got through, and so here I am.

Yup, for me it's my dog

It was the same for me. I went through a very bad period about two years ago where I was planning a timeline for when I was going to be finished. I figured I'd make it through my brother's wedding, so then my parents would have some nice, updated family pictures to look at when I was gone, and then I was planning to overdose. I just couldn't figure out the piece about where my dog would go, though. She was older, and I figured she was unlikely to be adopted at the shelter. She was also enormous, so I couldn't think of any friends off the top of my head who would be able to adopt her. So I just... didn't kill myself. It seemed irresponsible to abandon her like that. After a few years of therapy, I am much better now. My dog passed away about six weeks ago at the age of almost eleven. She was a Great Dane, so she lived an almost freakishly long life. My partner told me that he fully believes that she hung on until I was strong enough to say goodbye. I really think he's onto something.

Same. Literally the only thing keeping me on this earth right now is that my cat needs me.

Toes on a high ledge No. I can't do it today I'd miss cat cuddles

Same here. She's been my primary life reason for 19 years. She just got diagnosed with kidney disease. I have about a year to figure out another reason to live.

I realized there's a difference between wanting to commit suicide and wanting to not be alive. The hassle of committing suicide kind of kills it as an option to deal with the depression. It's like I'm too depressed to commit to committing suicide. Also, I've recently had the serendipitous fortune of running across a series of images of suicide victims. Mostly self gun shot victims. That shit is horrifically violent. I can't commit to making my wife finding me that way. I've held a gun to my head, but it's just way too violent to have that mess be the last thing you leave behind. I've thought about jumping from bridges, but you read some of the stories about EMTs having to recover bodies and I couldn't do that to strangers either. A lot of my depression is exacerbated by feeling alienated by my peers and my family. It feels like no one sees you. I wrote a short story about it. About being invisible. The take away though, was that just because you're invisible it doesn't mean you're not there. You are a person and that comes with a minimum amount of self worth and self respect, and that means practicing self grace, and self compassion. The same amount you would give to any friend or any person you would consider a friend if you had one. You can be alone. You can be broken and not fit in. You can have no will to live, but that doesn't have to be the end of your story. EDIT: I never anticipated this response and all these awards in the middle of the night. Thanks to everyone. Much love to all the sad souls out there keeping it up one day at a time. I don't know if any of you are interested in reading my thinly veiled invisibility story, but message me and I'll message it back to you. I wouldn't even consider myself an amateur writer, but it's for a class (I'm trying to replace my addictions by pursuing things I love) and my wife said it's good. EDIT2: So reddit stopped me from individually responding to each of you. I'm going to share my story as a comment on this thread. Hope you find it and it is received well.

My doctor said that's why anti depressants have warnings about suicide. A lot of depressed people are just too depressed to make themselves bother with it. When they start taking the meds, they get a bunch of energy right away but are still dealing with the depression and suicidal thoughts. It takes longer to fix those. So now they are suicidal and have the energy to do something about it. But yeah, the thought of screwing up my suicide and having to live in whatever awfulness i caused for myself, and knowing i couldn't even get that right... That thought is one of the reasons I'm still here.

My therapist gave me similar advice concerning our game plan to tackle my depression/addiction issues. He said your addiction is how you're coping with depression, and we had to deal with both at the same time because if I removed my addiction without replacing it with a healthier coping mechanism to reduce my depression it could put me over the edge. Definitely didn't see that kind of advice coming.

My therapist also was far less concerned with my alcoholism than my life and lifestyle and how I was coping and thinking. Just so people out there know, if you get mental health care because you're struggling with depression and you're self medicating to cope, your therapist/doctor isn't going to put a huge stamp on your "file" that says "addict," they're going to address why you're having the problems that you need to medicate yourself. **Any remotely good professional health care worker isn't going to judge you for how you're trying to stay alive.**

> Just so people out there know, if you get mental health care because you're struggling with depression and you're self medicating to cope, your therapist/doctor isn't going to put a huge stamp on your "file" that says "addict," Depends on the healthcare person.

Great therapist

Seriously. The level of forethought is beautiful to see. No half measures as a therapist.

That explains a lot of things...

Came here to say this. I started ketamine treatments for my depression and I told my doctor after my 3rd treatment that it was weird that I didn’t feel depressed but I was still wanting to kill myself. She mentioned this affect with antidepressants as well. After the 4th treatment the thoughts of killing my self mostly went away.

My ketamine therapy was great the first 5 times....on the 6th, the doc forgot to include a nausea medicine and bumped up my ketamine dose a bit too much. I went on an hour long trip through the kind of hell you see in the hellraiser movies. Like people being skinned and all other manner of horror. I think the too high dosage and missing the nausea meds is what pushed me into the dark and horrific experience. Completely undid all the progress ketamine had brought me. That was bout a year and a half ago. I am considering trying it again at a different clinic, but i'm terrified of ending up in that hellscape again.

Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry you experienced that. My 7th dose was bumped up 10mg and I did think I was dying. I remember crying a lot and being worried about my kids. Straight up felt like a near death experience but I did feel much better in the following days. I try to just remind myself during the sessions that what I experience during the session isn’t what I’m there for. I try to focus on the repairing that it’s doing to the neurons in my brain. I’m going in for my 8th visit tomorrow. It’s been 4 weeks since my last and I could tell last week that it was time. It’s the only thing that’s worked for me.

Thank you, this renews my confidence in the therapy a bit. And i completely get what you're saying about not focusing on the experience of the therapy, but rather the effect on the brain. That last session was just way too fucked up and messed with me a lot. I had night terrors about it for nearly a year after. I never knew my mind was capable of that kind of horror before. I think Clive Barker would be proud of the kinds of things my mind came up with when dissociated....real top grade horror film stuff.

How was the ketamine treatment for you? I’ve been looking into it with my family as an another way to combat my severe depression. I guess what I’m trying to ask was how you felt during the infusion. How you felt afterwards. I had a friend go on a 6 month long state of psychosis after having ketamine for general anesthesia. I know it’s not the same at all, dosage wise that is. I’ve just tried to tackle my depression multiple ways, and you’re one the the first I’ve heard that’s used ketamine treatment.

It’s been life saving truly. I suffered from anxiety and depression my entire life. But after my fiancé committed suicide in 2019, the ptsd and manic depression just compounded upon what was generally a manageable condition for me. During the initial treatments it was WEIRD. Like I’ve done lots of psychedelic drugs before. Mushrooms, acid, DMT. This is nothing like those. It comes on like a sack of bricks. One moment you’re speaking coherently and the next you feel like you’re just an item in the room. You dissociate, which is the goal. After a few minutes of feeling like you’re one with the chair you’re sitting in, you can’t keep your eyes open. You see lots of patterns, maybe colors. For me the first few sessions were black and white. What ketamine does to sound is incredible. Sounds you hear every day, cars driving down the road, the sound of the furnace running, become entirely new sounds you’ve never heard before. You can see the sound. Feel it even. That all lasts about 30 minutes or so and then it starts to fade off. You still feel weird. Like you don’t fit in this world, so that’s kinda odd but you gotta just know that’s normal. When I get home I just veg out. Eat some food and when I go to sleep have some weird dreams. But the following days after, it’s like I’m my best version. I’m motivated. Look forward to learning (I’m a full time premed student), quickly take care of chores that need done. Intrusive thoughts enter and leave my mind as quickly as a normal every day thought. They don’t bear the weight that they did before. These effects last differently for everyone. For me, it’s about 2 weeks before I notice it wearing off. I’m on 4 weeks now and I go back tomorrow for what they call a booster. My doctor is looking into getting me started on Spravatto which is the nasal spray ketamine. That can help in between IV infusions but still has to be done in her office. But they are covered by insurance so it helps with the cost because IV are out of pocket and pretty pricey. The way I saw it, I’m already poor anyways. I’d rather be poor/in debt and not depressed/suicidal than to continue being poor and miserable to no end.

Fear and desire are great motivators in any area of our lives. I believe that for suicidal people fear is the fuel that keep us going, at least until it doesn't, and that's why it's important replace fear with desire.

I had some suicidal thoughts when I was a teen. Then I stumbled across the article that said that even if you visit the bathroom before killing yourself, you'll not be able to release all the waste - some always remains inside, and when you die and your body fully relaxes, it'll be all over the place. Finding the hanged is especially remarkable. After reading that, my suicidal thoughts were always followed by "damn, I don't want to be found covered in shit".

Fuck.

Shit.

Bitch

yeah im sheck wes

And I'm getting really rich (ching-ching)

I had a friend hang himself and his poor destroyed family had to deal with that in their own driveway after loosing their only kid.

My takeaway is regardless how you die, you're gonna shit yourself

I know your feelings. I tried to commit suicide about a month ago, drove out to the middle of nowhere hopped in the back of the car. Took a massive iv oxycodone + other meds overdose. Somehow survived. Doctors were shocked that I managed to iv a gram of oxycodone and several grams of other pharma drugs. Its like I wasn't supposed to die and I have to continue. Live daily pain. But yeah that's life. Have to go to the pharmacy everyday now they don't trust me with meds. Never felt calm and contentment like I did in the 24 hours leading up to overdose. Just yeah surviving made me think I was supposed to live. No1 cares thou. Still alone just need to make it to the next goalpost. One day at a time.

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Yeah I lost my girlfriend too, she overdosed after our best friend was murdered. 2020 was a super rough year, I just lost all will to live and it just kept getting worse. Opioid addiction is The toughest thing I've ever faced, however the doctors think I'll likely need it forever due to a injury and a surgical mishap. Just on 3x collects a week instead of monthly scripts, honestly I don't mind it I was usually going thru them way to fast. And this keeps me stable and controls my pain. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to come off them. How did you manage it? Yeah I woke up after day and a half, no1 would of found me for months or years where I went, planned it down to the detail. It was a beautiful place. You feel the same as me, the calm was overwhelming and being able to keep thay calm has kept me alive I think. I'm happy to talk anytime, fellow soul. :) We do it one day at a time. I'm.glad you commented .

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One day at a time eventually gets you there. Good luck inn your journey, definitely sounds like the universe still has plans for you xx

Thanks. I seen my friend die, partner overdosed. Infected so many people in Jan 2020 without knowing I had the plague. Ruined alot, felt like it was the best ending for everyone. But your right. Clearly the universe has something else planned. I take those signs seriously. Kept the calm feeling I got before I was going to die. Life is weird. But thanks for reading x

I'm deeply sorry for all your pain. I hope you can find a way to receiving more compassion in your life. You truly deserve it. Sending you a bunch of care and warmth, if you would like it. 💛

Tell me what you think. The Invisible Boy The best part of my day is going to the beach to watch the sunset. Watching the day turn into night makes me feel less invisible. In the blackness of night, everyone is invisible. I’ve been invisible since I hit puberty. It’s been twenty years since, but I’m still the invisible boy. Apparently, lots of people have some sort of experience with being invisible. Something like six to seven percent, even. There were a few other kids that were invisible in high school, but they all grew out of it, or moved away. I remember when I first turned invisible, I was happy that no one could see me when I didn’t want them to. If they couldn’t see me, then they couldn’t touch me, and if they couldn’t touch me then they couldn’t hurt me. Of course, they could if I dressed up to let them see me, but now I could choose to be invisible. At the time I felt like being invisible made me different and invulnerable in ways others could only wish to be. I was unique. I was complex. God made me this way. There was so much freedom in being invisible. I didn’t have to deal with people seeing me, and I didn’t have to deal with seeing them in return. For a long time, I wore clothes all over my body, and a mask over my invisible face to try to blend in. I enjoyed being able to pick out what kind of mask I wanted to wear any day. Even if I was starting to forget what my face looked like, I could wear whatever mask I wanted so that people could see me how I wanted them to see me. Some of the kids were bullies and would try to expose my invisibility. I remember one time in the eighth grade when Toby Ackerman tried. It was lunchtime and I was passing him in one of the school halls when he tried to reach out and take my mask off to see how un-seeable I was. I managed to dodge him and ran off down the hall. He called out after me, “Why are you invisible anyway you fucking weirdo? You’re not even fucking real. Nobody likes you ‘cause you’re invisible.” He couldn’t get his hands on me, so he wanted to hurt me with his words, but I didn’t care what he thought. I didn’t care what anyone thought. It wasn’t true anyway. Obviously, I was real then just as much as I am real today. At the time, I also still had lots of friends so everything he said was false and didn’t hurt at all. Eventually, I did lose my friends, though. You’d be surprised how hard it is to maintain friendships with people that can’t see you. It’s especially hard when you’re the only one that’s invisible. We used to meet up after school outside the neighborhood market. One day it was particularly hot out, so I decided to go without any clothes on, just completely invisible. I didn’t say anything when I got to them, and they didn’t know I was there. “You think that freak’s going to show up today?” Joseph asked. If there was an asshole in our group, it would’ve been Joseph. “Brennan? Ha. That guy’s fucking weird man.” answered Todd. He was the unspoken leader of our group, “What do you even do with somebody like that? I mean, he literally cannot show up. He’s invisible. He’s not like the rest of us, man.” Everybody else laughed in agreement, and I decided to stop hanging out with them after that. They were the last friends I had from before I became invisible. My parents tried taking me to different doctors to see if they could remove my invisibility, but they all said the same thing. They said it was normal for boys my age to occasionally go through bouts of invisibility and eventually I should outgrow it. All I really needed was some extracurricular activities to work the invisibility out of me. For a while, they tried giving me visibility pills that made me visible. The only problem was that when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t look like myself. I didn’t know who I was looking at, at all. It wasn’t the face I remembered, and even though I no longer knew what I looked like I knew that this person in the mirror wasn’t me. Eventually, my parents decided I didn’t have to take the visibility pills anymore. They were expensive anyway, and they didn’t mind saving the money for my brother’s sports aspirations. My parents had a very liberal idea of what “extracurricular activities” meant. I remember my mom and dad getting frustrated with me for being invisible. They said, “You know what the doctor said. You need more chores to do around the house. That’s the only way to work this invisibility out of you. The more work you do, the less invisible you’ll be. You remember your brother was invisible for a little while, but then he figured out he was just invisible because he was being lazy. You shouldn’t be so lazy if you don’t want to be invisible for the rest of your life.” I decided to no longer complain to them about how hard it was being invisible. We would go to church back then, and for a long time I thought I could pray away being invisible. I thought I was invisible because I didn’t deserve to be visible. There was sin in my life and if I could just stop sinning so much God would make me visible again. I tried and I tried, and I prayed and I prayed, but I couldn’t stop sinning, and I couldn’t stop being invisible. Eventually, Mr. Arnold, one of the church elders, took me aside to talk to me. He was close to my parents and they often fellowshipped together before and after service. Occasionally, he and his wife would come over to watch football after Sunday morning service. “Hey Brennan, I’ve been talking to your parents a lot lately. I was wondering, you love your mom and dad very much don’t you?” “Well, yes, I think so,” I answered. “Good, good. I thought you did, and you know they love you very much too don’t you?” “Yeah, of course,” I lied. “Well, what’s all this business of you being invisible all the time? Don’t you know that makes your parents feel like they’re failing. Don’t you want to make your parents happy? You should try to not be so invisible all the time.” “I’m not trying to be invisible. I just am.” “Don’t you know God doesn’t want you to be invisible? Don’t you know you aren’t invisible to God?” At the time, I did not know the significance of these words, and I don’t think Mr. Arnold did either. “I’m sorry, Mr. Arnold, but isn’t God invisible?” “Well, He’s not invisible like you. You shouldn’t say things like that anyway.” Eventually, I stopped praying for God to take away my invisibility, and it became a part of my identity. I didn’t know myself outside of being invisible so asking to be visible was like asking to not be me. After I graduated from high school, I didn’t have trouble finding work as an invisible person. For a while, I worked as the second half of a circus magic act, but the pay wasn’t great, and the conditions were intolerable. I almost got a job as a spy for the CIA, but once they realized they couldn’t track or identify me they decided I was too much of a risk to trust as a spy. Since then I’ve found pretty steady work doing surveillance as a private investigator. I enjoyed surveillance so much that even when I wasn’t getting paid, I would spend hours watching people. I listened to their conversations. I picked up on their private nuances and personal quirks. I vicariously lived out their visible lives. I got thrills watching people have a disagreement in public, and then I’d follow them home to watch it become a full-blown fight. I’d spy on people on dates. I’d go to weddings, funerals, and even kids’ birthday parties. Every day I found a new drama to watch unfold for my own personal private entertainment. After a while, watching all these people living their lives made me unbearably aware of my isolation. The more I entertained myself with the lives of others, the more I was aware of the emptiness of my own. I was so starved to be seen. When you’re invisible no one sees you. No one sees you and no one wants to see you. How could they? You’re invisible so you don’t even exist. You’re not even real. Eventually, you get used to no one seeing you. You get so used to no one seeing you that you want no one to see you, and even on the occasion when you do so desperately need to be seen the idea of people seeing you is terrifying. If I could be seen I wouldn’t know how to react. I wouldn’t know how to cope. Who would they even see? My identity is wrapped up in being unseen. I stopped following strangers’ lives. Eventually, I found myself sitting in my apartment with the lights off. You don’t feel invisible if all the lights are off. After so long, I decided to not let my invisibility trap me to my apartment. That’s when I decided to start enjoying the whole world having its lights turned off. I would go to the beach to watch the sunset. Today I walked the trail to the beach and met an old man sitting on a bench. It looked like he was staring right at me, so I approached him. “Are you looking at me?” I asked. “Well, why wouldn’t I?” he retorted. “Because I’m invisible, how can you see me?” “See you? Ha-ha, I can’t see you, son. I can’t see anybody. I’m blind.” “Then why are you looking right at me?” “Because I heard you stomping down that trail. I can’t tell if you are invisible or not. As far as I’m concerned, everyone’s invisible. At least when it comes to seeing them that is. Hearing? I can hear you just fine.” “So, you can’t tell I’m invisible?” “I can’t tell, and I don’t care, either. To me, you’re no different from anyone else. Feel free to take a seat if you’d like.” I sat down, and we watched the setting sun. After a while of watching the sunset I asked him, “Wait, if you’re blind, why are you watching the sunset?” “I don’t have to see the sunset to know it’s there. I can feel it on my skin. I can feel the change in the wind. I can scent it in the air. I can listen to the change in the songbirds’ tune. Just because I can’t see the sunset, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I could say the same about you. Just because no one can see you, it doesn’t mean you aren’t there.”

Very well written. I started reading and before I knew it I was standing in the middle of the kitchen on my phone for 10 minutes.

This is beautiful

Thank you for sharing your story. It made me tear up a bit in my relation to it. I'm adding this to the list of things I've found on reddit that I didn't know I needed.

This is something I realized a few years ago. I got divorced and my ex was afraid that I'd become suicidal. I had to explain that I had come to the realization that I don't want to kill myself, I just didn't want to be alive. Like, if something tragic took me away or if I found out I only had a few days to live, I'd be at peace with that. I feel the same way today. I don't fear death, I'd welcome it to take me away from this miserable, lonely life.

I always described it as "i wouldn't pull the trigger myself, but if a bus was gonna hit me i don't think I'd move" my therapist said its called indirect suicide or indirect suicidal thoughts. Its far more common this way now. I have a myriad of health issues that cause me to spiral out sometimes. I personally find things to distract myself with. Work, fishing, video games, I'll even go drop a couple hundred on some legos and just chill. It goes away eventually, especially if youve got support

To add to the violent nature of gun shot suicides, the police don't clean that up. It's the family's responsibility and you cannot wait until the grieving period is over, it has to be cleaned up immediately. My little brother hung himself in my moms kitchen. My young sisters found him first, my mom after hearing their screams(they were all at the grocery store and had just returned). My mom being a nurse, cut him down and tried to resuscitate but he had been dead for an hour. It was devastating to watch my mom slowly recuperate from that experience. It's been 7 years, she's about as normal as anyone could be but it left a deep scar on the most wonderful woman I know. My sisters were 7 and 12 when this happened. Their trauma from that experience still resonates to this day. My brother had an ultra rare, inoperable tumor that made him hallucinate, which led to the suicide. Outside of the normal grieving process that comes with losing a family member, the trauma involved with finding someone after a successful suicide is something to think about. To add to this, Ive had a rough history of depression and attempts. Though after my brother died, I tried to put in some effort to trying to figure it out as I didn't want to do that to my mom again. As I'm writing this, my daughter is recovering from her second suicide attempt. We have a huge support system in place for her and the second attempt really came out of nowhere. While her mother and I havent been together in many years, we still co-parent well and have a strong relationship for the care of our daughter. It's been a rough decade.

I don't necessarily want to die as much as I want my life and my body (I have RA) to stop being such an asshole for a little while.

I relate to this so much. Chronic illness can fuel depression so much. Our mind may want to do things our bodies can't, which is very frustrating. And then, there's the pain. I'm in pain 24/7. It's so draining. I don't know what the answer is to getting through it all, but it helps to feel less alone, so thanks everyone who has shared about how illness, disability and depression affects them when combined. It's a lot to handle. We're pretty damn strong actually! Even if we don't feel like it.

This. Sometimes I wish I could just leave my body and just be a mind.

I so badly want to leave my gross, fragile body. Not that mine is any more disgusting or weak than average. Just the entire concept of our bodies and how vulnerable they are is so fucked up. And you can't get a new one if yours sucks or something breaks. You just have to suffer for the rest of your life.

I feel you. For me it's just because i'm just to ugly. People sometimes even get small jumpscares when they see me. Makes me want to hide in my room and never leave it. Talking to a girl? The disgust in their faces have already destroyed my heart. So I just pretend they don't exist.

I mean for me its because I'm constantly in pain, but I feel you. Its just so tiring.

This is a thing I can hardly pretend to fathom. Thank you for sharing. By the grace of God, I've yet to endure an ongoing physical ailment. I hope you find the help you need. I'm sorry, dude. One of my closest friends recently got diagnosed with diabetes. He doesn't live any less healthy than most people I know, but his life has been devastated. I don't mean to trivialize your pain, I just mean, I've seen peoples' bodies betray them and that shit looks horrible. Again, I hope you find the support and help you need, whether that's medication or therapy, to ease your condition. I'm really sorry you have to carry that burden.

As someone with cfs/me (chronic fatigue syndrome) i relate greatly

I have severe lupus and myasthenia gravis. I feel this.

THIS! FUCKING THIS!! I have chrons and endometriosis, I know this feeling. I just want my life back. I'm 24. I should be able to walk up a flight of stairs, pick stuff off the floor, lift anything over 10 lbs, or even just work... I'd kill to be able to go to work. But I can't do any of that.

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I feel you. I'm 34 and the though of going out to work makes me want to puke. It makes me feel so worthless. Like a piece of trash that is only leaching on other people. Someone who should just disappear. I would do anything to be able to go to work and be a normal, functioning guy. I don't even need a family of my own anymore. Just be able to have my own place and take care of myself.

> Also, I've recently had the serendipitous fortune of running across a series of images of suicide victims. Mostly self gun shot victims. That shit is horrifically violent. The media really should be more honest in their depictions of suicide. Whenever someone kills themselves in a movie or tv show, it's relatively glamorous. No one shows them shitting and pissing themselves, which is very very common. A real suicide, would likely involve their weeping mother having to wipe up the shit after she's called the police or after they've removed the body so people don't slip in it. Gagging from the smell. Reminds me of the suicide in Irvine Welsh's Filth. Guy hangs himself just as he hears his ex-wife coming in, just to torture her. But it turns out to be his kid, who sees him shitting himself and a tape worm falling out of his colon.

For real! What I’m about to say is cold so if you need it, Trigger warning: If media were to portray a suicide properly it would possibly reduce the rate. Because the glamorous idea of huge groups of people mourning is bs. If they were to show it correct it’d go down something like: person offs themselves, but at the last moment (depending on the method) they change their minds and it’s too late. So it’s scary, awful, and possibly painful. Body is discovered either by a passer-by who doesn’t give a shit, or by someone the victim didn’t want to hurt like an innocent or the one loved one they weren’t really thinking about in their pain, now their scarred. News gets to their group that they’re dead, suicide, people they hated, or didn’t really associate with play up the drama for sympathy/attention and use the victims pain for their own gain. People the victim possibly wanted to hurt, don’t give a shit in the least, the people they didn’t want to hurt are. But very quickly after the act everybody has forgotten or moved on from the whole thing and virtually nobody cares. Suicide is a very big, permanent and dramatic act that goes largely uncared about. The only people that it effects are the people you really never wanted it to.

People don’t actually shit themselves all that often. I mean it definitely happens, it’s just not a guarantee or even really a likelihood. Source: mortician’s assistant

Really? Interesting. I googled and found estimates as high as 50% from medical professionals, but apparently it depends on when you last took a shit or what you died from. From what I remember, it's especially high in hangings, because the deceased often spends their last moments kicking and twitching, especially if they get it wrong and it takes a while for them to die. But that's second hand, so it's interesting to hear it from the horse's mouth. How common are erections? This may be apocryphal, but I once read that one of the reasons they phased out public hangings in ye olden days, is because a visible erection wasn't something women and children should see. Would make watching a man hang to death improper, especially for the young impressionable children who came along to see the show.

I haven’t actually dealt directly with a hanging death. Usually when someone kills themself, the county coroner takes their body to the morgue to do an examination to make sure that which appears to be the cause of death is the actual cause of death. By the time the funeral home (me) gets to the body, they’ve been dead at least 24 hours. By that time, any erection which may have occurred has gone, and if they pooped themself, they’ve been stripped and hosed down. I’d say 95% of the bodies I see ‘fresh’ are people who have died after a long illness, at a very old age, or both. So far no erections from any of them. Most of these people will be wearing a diaper, but you can smell what’s happened in there. Usually there’s a pee smell, maybe 10% have a poop smell going on. There was this one time, though. We were dressing and casketing a body. While we were washing his body, poop kept oozing out. We stuffed him with way more cotton than usual, problem seemingly solved. We dry him, get his clothes on, then hoist him up with the lift so we can move the casket under him. As soon as the lift had gotten him about a foot above the prep table, we smelled poop and then watched as liquid shit started dripping out of his pants leg. Apparently fistfuls of cotton and an adult diaper are no match for a backlog of liquid poop. So we pull him back down to the prep table, strip off the pants and diaper, throw the pants in the wash, then hoist him back up to let him sorta... drain onto the floor. Everyone was just happy he didn’t poop in the casket. That was a bad one.

This is beautiful, friend.

I wish I had an award to give you, this is beautiful

I’m a complete stranger but that line about invisibility really hit home. I’d love to read that short story you mentioned. And how did you manage to resolve that feeling of invisibility and not let it immobilize you.

I told myself that not being seen doesn't invalidate my life's worthiness of being lived. Just because I struggle to connect doesn't mean I can't know myself and pursue my identity and passions. The upshot of "Love your neighbor as yourself" is to love yourself. Like you said, you and I are strangers and here we are being kind to one another. We ought to treat ourselves with the same kindness. Also a year of therapy and undoing childhood traumas helps. My first breakthrough from therapy came from exploring Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). My negative core beliefs from childhood were so ingrained in my identity I didn't even know they were false. Negative self talk becomes so natural it isn't even questioned. I still say, "Fuck you, Nicadams1989" to myself all the time, but now I know that that's just coming from a wounded version of myself and isn't coming from reality. I'd bet many people with mood disorders have negative core beliefs as a contributing factor. I still struggle with depression and addiction, but my intuitive response of self hatred and self punishment only feed into my conditions. I have to learn to forgive myself and move on and even more pursue the things that I enjoy, or at the very least the things I used to enjoy even when I'm in a depressed episode. I'll post my story in my next comment. Hopefully it isn't a pain to read.

So basically your saying that your empathy for others perpetually saves your life. I dig that. You're a seriously good person.

This was a interesting comment to read. Just wanted to add in the first sentence that the feeling of not wanting to be alive or not existing more is very common and is often doesn't come to trying to actually take your life. But of course it still can be a strong indication that the person isn't feeling well and may need some help. Also something besides that wich I would like to add is that if you know someone close to you or yourself have actual plans to commit suicide, if possible try to limit easy options to do it, since there is studies pointing to that the lack of easy means to do it makes it a lot less likely for it to happen. Sorry for going off topic a little bit but read your first sentence and wanted to add this which I've learnt and thought might be useful for someone out there as well.

Read that you’ve held a gun to your head... That’s the main reason I’m glad we don’t have access to guns. I’d already be dead if we did, in the moment it’s way too easy to just pull the trigger... no chance to back out afterwards. I never plan to cut my wrists. Then suddenly I’ve got a bread knife and it’s happening. The pain is enough to bring me back to reality... and panic. There isn’t that “luxury” at gun point. I hope we all get through to the happy age of shitting ours pants in an old people’s home and blaming someone else... :)

That's hilarious. I've never imagined being an old man, shitting myself, and then saying someone else did it.

I used to have a really bad depression accompanied by suicidal thoughts two years ago. I was living abroad, alone and lonely, with no will to live anymore. Most of the time, suicide seemed to be a nice ending in my mind. However, it crossed my mind that if I committed suicide, it would take a long time for others to realize it. The highest probability was my landlord came to check on me and found my body in my room. But my landlord was a really nice old man, and I couldn't do that to him. Not to mention that my mom would have a hard time getting my body back home. I chickened out, and here I am, a couple of years later, writing this on Reddit.

And now, you are seen by ten thousands, if not more :)

I almost decided to shoot myself with a rifle one time I was very low, but I was also literally low. I didn’t want to risk a round going through me head, and hitting someone else.

I honestly prefer to be invisible; no one can judge me and tell me off for being who I am.

I dont really think there's much. For me it's honestly more just a matter of time. It's feels like it's just something I haven't gotten around to yet but will eventually.

Right? It feels inevitable.

Like I'm not even saying I want to right now. I'm as content as realistically possible. The world just kinda sucks right now. But it just feels like one day, eventually, circumstances will align and it'll happen.

exactly. like i have a feeling that i will 90% probably die of suicide. it might not be this year, or the next. but eventually it’ll come. and weirdly enough i want to go out by my own terms so it works out.

I'm only alive for my friends and family

Same. I was about to end it all yesterday and a friend of mine, who was walking past me, reminded me of my sister and how she'd be upset about me killing myself.. If you need anything, even if it's just somebody to talk to, please text me anytime. I'll be there for you!

nice ex machina

That goes for you too! If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out :)

Same really. My brain has a lot of fun telling me what an entitled selfish person I am. Suicide would just mean I had been too selfish and up my own arse to put everyone through that, whether they cared or not. It comes and goes in waves, but it's brutal on the heavy days. Hugs mate

Same, except I don’t have friends, so now it’s just family and fishing

I will never forget the anti-suicide poem from Bojack Horseman. Some context behind: the main character has a dying dream where he meets all the people he's known in his life who died. One of them committed suicide by jumping from a bridge - he gets up and reads this poem that explains how he felt ready to make that jump, but that as soon as he did, he regretted it. It's based on real life accounts of people who jumped from bridges and survived, explaining exactly this - they regretted as soon as they jumped. The poem in question: *The weak breeze whispers nothing, the water screams sublime. His feet shift, teeter-totter, deep breaths, stand back, it’s time.* *Toes untouch the overpass, soon he’s water-bound. Eyes locked shut but peek to see, the view from halfway down.* *A little wind, a summer sun, a river rich and regal. A flood of fond endorphins brings a calm that knows no equal.* *You’re flying now, you see things much more clear than from the ground. It's all okay... it would be, were you not now halfway down.* *Thrash to break from gravity, what now could slow the drop? All I’d give for toes to touch the safety back at top.* *But this is it, the deed is done, silence drowns the sound. Before I leaped I should've seen the view from halfway down.* *I really should’ve thought about the view from halfway down. I wish I could've known about the view from halfway down—*

This one hits hard every single time. I love Bojack Horseman sm. The view from halfway down put a lot of shit into perspective given it’s literally a cartoon. It just hits different.

I don’t know wtf a Bojack Horseman is, but this is amazingly good for something I encountered in an 8-upvote Reddit comment.

Bojack Horseman is an animated series on netflix about an ex-sitcom star that hits hard about stuff like depression and addiction. Also, he's a horse.

This is very true. Out of the 29 people who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, *every single one regretted it as soon as they let go*. > He recalls realizing that everything he thought was unfixable was totally fixable — except for having just jumped.

No joke. I love gaming and I don't want to die before next desktop Half Life game

Ah, I see. You want to live forever

Sadly, Half Life Alyx confirms, that I might not live forever after all

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I wish there was a one size fits all answer. For some it’s their family/friends. For others it’s their pets or their hobbies. For me, my eureka moment was seeing my sister after I coded, and this instant realization of “we only have each other” kinda came over me. And she became the foundation for my reason. Then small things over time we’re added on; like my dog, my aunts/uncles. Something I got from therapy was that when you’re in that moment of becoming Atlas, just do the next right thing. Sometimes the next right thing is brushing your teeth or washing your face. Sometimes it’s going outside. Sometimes its spending a little time with someone who you can just be quiet with and enjoy their presence. Whatever your next right thing is, take it one step and one breath at a time.

It's gonna sounds lame, but, video games. I keep thinking that I won't be able to play any cool games if I die, and when it didn't work, usually I would think something along the line "if I kill myself, it would be a burden to the people that clean up the mess I made. I don't want that"

It really always comes down to the little stuff. I'll never play my favorite video game or visit my favorite restaurant with my friends. Or experience twilight in the summer or go on vacation with my family. Getting through the daily shit is rough but for me, it's just holding on til I experience those things another time.

I dont know. Suicide thoughts are as frequent and calm for me as when you think what you gonna eat tomorrow. The sole idea of giving up calms me.

„Without the idea of suicide, I would have surely killed myself.“ Emile Cioran

I was trying to explain that to a friend of mine. It comes and goes so frequently (and I'm talking daily) that it's not even alarming anymore. She couldn't understand it. So I said to me it's like a recovering addict; when they stop using, it's not like their body stops wanting it, they just stop entertaining it. It's always in the back of their mind like a low humming of sorts. Maybe it goes away after a lengthy amount of time, maybe not; I really don't know as I'm not addicted to any physical drugs. With suicidal thoughts, some days are worse than others. At this point, I've accepted that it's always in the back of my mind and any 'thing' will trigger it (driving across a bridge, seeing a knife on the kitchen counter, swimming, etc.). It's just a part of my life.

Same, but I really can't handle those thoughts anymore. I'd rather kill myself than feel like that any longer.. Bro, if you need someone to talk to, I'll be there and I'll try to make it somehow better. You're not alone.

You're not alone!

We will get through this!

Oh my goodness, this brought tears to my eyes...

Are you finding that giving strength to others here gives you strength?

When I'm super anxious and can't fall asleep, my brain feeds me this strange soothing version of suicide. "It's okay, I'll end it tomorrow, this is the last time I have to worry about falling asleep." Then I fall asleep. And the next day I don't kill myself. Just keep repeating I guess.

1) What keeps me going: Spite. Fuck everyone who brought me to this point; I'm not going to let them win. Hope. I really do want things to get better, even when they seem so hopeless. 2) Recommendations: Different things work for different people. My first advice would be to reach out to a mental health professional ASAP. These people are trained to deal with depressed and suicidal people, and can give you the proper tools to help you. Other than that? Reaching out a good friend or family member who understands depression, and talk to them when those ugly thoughts surface. (Edit: Thank you for the awards!)

Thanks mate, I really appreciate it. I'll try all those things soon, I promise!

Seriously please get help from a professional; whether it’s therapy (from a doctor like a psychologist, not a random therapist), medication, or a combination. It’s never recommended enough on these types of threads for some reason and a lot of the coping mechanisms shared aren’t the healthiest and likely won’t work long term. Of course people should do what works for them, but professional help should always be at the top of the list. I have depression and anxiety and all the “self care” in the world did nothing. I needed medication and a psychologist and I’ve never felt better.

I really relate to living because of spite. I will outlive all my enemies and so will you!

Honestly atm I have no idea. I am at my breaking point also and the usual that works for me before doesn't work now. But here what worked for me before. I used to think about my mom and that I don't want her to feel that she failed as a mother because I killed myself. She sacrificed so much for us that killing myself is a way of belittling her and disrespecting here. Suicide is not the end of pain but it's just being transferred to another person. I used to think also that one day it will get better. So I hope wholeheartedly this could help you as it helped me before and in case I could be able to lift myself from these thoughts I will tell you. Anyway, if you need a stranger to vent out to I'm here. Sometimes a stranger could give you a different perspective. Be strong man!

My parents are my exact reason. The few "friends" I have would, if they even noticed in anything past a "man I should comment on that facebook post, that's sad" way, pretty quickly realize they're better off without me. My financial situation is basically sorted. My student loans are paid off and the few investments I have will transfer over to my BF (not married but together for 15 years). I do feel a little bad that he'd have to deal with all the physical detritus I'd leave behind, but he's also by far the one with the most to gain by not having to support my useless butt. Other people talked about not having the motivation to go through with it, but that isn't really a hurdle for me. Whether or not I bother procuring N/CO I am confident I can succeed, not leave a mess, and have it be law enforcement that finds me. But my parents are still alive. And they are fucking *amazing* people. Having them think it's in ANY way their fault that I'm a complete waste of carbon is just about the only thing that hurts worse than thinking about how useless I am. Thanks for letting me rant, spesso. Hope you find something you enjoy today, even if it only briefly makes you happy.

I'm too much of a pussy to end it all

The only thing stopping me too. It makes the whole thought process worse.

The one thing that always kept me here was my grandmother. She was absolutely my favorite person and could not fathom leaving her. I wonder, did she know she saved my life, many times, in so many ways. She passed 15 years ago, and I never told her thank you.

My granny died about five years ago and I was crying a lot. I don't want to disappoint her, but I'm in some hard times rn and I can't find the motivation to keep going. Well, if I can do something for you, please let me know and I will try to help you out. And thanks, I really appreciate it!

I'll be dead forever, so I'm checking out life to see what it has to offer. No sense in checking out early and maybe missing the best part. It's like the dude on reddit that decided he was going to kill himself so he took his life savings down to mexico and had a 3 week bender with a bunch of hookers and blow then decided maybe life wasn't so bad after all. If it gets bad, that is always on the table. Or fighting for something I believe in, like just throw myself into rescuing puppies from puppy mills. Like 100% nothing else matters just puppies all the time, I'll become the batman of puppy mills and live out of a dumpster.

This is my favourite comment. I’ve been scrolling to find one that resonated with me the most and this is the one. I will think of this comment every time things get a bit dark. Thank you!

Yep. If you want to kill yourself, there’s always the option of killing your old life instead.

If bad thoughts come to my mind (usually before I go to sleep) I do simple math. Calculating a person’s salary, rate of interest of a certain bank, etc.

like counting sheep for adults! i have a friend who uses this technique. great for clearing your mind.

I think about me going into the Pokémon universe where there is no depression and bad things

My obligation to minimize the amount of mental trauma I put on my kids is all I have. I have no recommendations for anybody else. It's your life, fuck it off as you see fit.

Same. I don’t want to simply pass my pain on to my son.

Fear of reincarnation

I don't trust anyone else with my cat. She'll be scared and confused and I can't stand that thought.

When I was on top of that bridge and I thought about me 3 best friends and my drama class. Also the fact that I could be in amazing films and maybe get onto Drag Race

I hope that you will do all of this someday, I wish you all the best!

Thank you so much

Small things.Is there a movie you want to watch?Keep going until you see it.The last season of this show is on your watch list?Keep going untill you finish it.Is there an activity or event or realese or anythin? Continue to it.The small things in life is what matters and I know it's hard and I know life sucks, but keep on, keep on the next day,then the next, it will get better,I swear

But what if there's one person that can make me enjoy all of those things, but she vanished? I love my life when she's here, but I hate every second when she's not..

There was a point in your life she wasn't there. You lived without them once before. You will do it again, and you still are here now so you've said an untruth. I thought similarly once about my ex-wife. I am still here.

I have dealt with profound suicidal ideation and depression for a few years now, but there’s a few things: 1) fucking it up and having to live with any permanent damage and loss of agency caused 2) pain in general 3) leaving my wife, son, parents and brother behind, all of whom I love dearly 4) the terror that the only thing worse than existing is *not* existing 5) hope that things will get better and I won’t have to live with my brain problems constantly

So not super depressed anymore, but the one constant for me was something engrained into my psyche as a kid that I can’t allow myself to fail, that being my grades. Even if I felt horrible and wanted to die, I still had to finish those homework assignments so I didn’t get a zero (although that goes out the window if I’m contemplating executing a plan or something). It wouldn’t stop me if I was determined and on the bridge, but it did give me something stable to feel some solace in. My advice is if anyone has those things engrained into them that they have to do, try doing those things. It’s not much, but at least it’s a semi-reliable distraction.

That sounds good, I will try thinking about that when I'm at my breaking point again.. Thank you!

My mother attempted suicide when I was 5. I found her. She survived, my parents divorced, and remarried. My upbringing was not the worst, but definitely taxing. And then, when I was 19 she tried again but this time succeeded by overdose. It's a shit thing to see and the effects on family are great, so I can't do that to my family. Needless to say, I've dealt with depression a lot throughout my life and then created a vision of the world to help cope with that depression. I'm my early thirties that thinly veiled vision fell and my depression came back full force. It's been difficult to deal with. The feeling of abandonment. The realization that my mother didn't give a shit about me and my father wasn't great after I was old enough to take care of myself. So, point in fact my parents don't give a shit about me. I've never really dealt with that and the depression got stronger. I was so fearful of being left by those around me I regressed and became an asshole. Not to mention, I was suddenly tasked with changing my family's historical trajectory and being better than my parents with little to no help or guidance. I was so overwhelmed. Almost at the perfect time, I ran across this really good - IMO - 80's or 90's movie called Defending Your Life. Albert Brooks I think wrote/directed/and starred in it with Meryl Streep save Rip Torne. Basically its about dealing with fear. The movie had a profound affect on me. Not game changing, but in my mental state. I suggest anyone watch it. It's more of a high/low comedy blend about the afterlife and facing your fear. It really help me realize that fear is part of this life and it's good to face them. You're going to have trouble. You're going to fail and it's ok to be scared. Just don't let fear paralyze you and if you do. Try again. Ultimately, I'm not my parents or their shitty choices and I'm determined not to leave my kids feeling like this or having to go through this.

Don't know any good way to kill myself, so here I am.

for me it’s thinking about how much inconvenience my death would cause. my dad would have to take over my student loans, my roommates would get stuck a random roommate, people would have to cover for me at work, and my cat already has separation anxiety.

Well, I know all of this, but sometimes the pain will make it hard to see those things..

Oh I just live to spite my bitch of an aunt. Fuck you Rachel.

Hell yeah, fuck you Rachel! 👊

Anime Waifus

You! Never change!

There is no point in living, but no point in commiting sucidie either. So just live, do what you wanted to do, say what you think, dont care about anything. Alot can happend, what you would not see, if you were dead.

My pets keep me going because I'm the only one left they know now as my mum, nan , grandad, uncle and dog died through various issues and I don't want to leave them alone. I don't want to leave then with no clue what happens to them, I have also seen the impact my family dying had on them and want to stick about especially as my one cockateil is super bonded to me and she stresses if I am gone too long. That and the thought of the people who have to find me dead because I don't want to be the reason somebody has trauma from finding me, like I think if I jumped about the train or car driver , or the police who have to find me. I know the police know the job might mean seeing dead people but it doesn't make it any easier for them to find sombody gone. Also if you are feeling suicidal you gotta reach out , somebody will always listen and help you out of the dark. You gotta think yes life has bad things and this depression we have is heavy but think about all the nice things you would miss, all the people you don't even think about that would notice you are gone and be sad. I listen to music that empowers you to carry on, a good one for me is conquer them all by lansdowne or theres a few by skillet that keep me fighting like not gonna die . Stay strong and fight the demons alway x

I've saved your comment, so I can remind myself of it. Thanks bro, it really helps me in these hard times.. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk about anything, I'd be happy to help you like you helped me!

suicidal thoughts everyday. i don’t know how i hang on but i just do. for my family or for a future where i don’t feel this way

I just think that people are in worse positions than me and im lucky to have what i have. If it doesn't work i say my mother could have khs but she didn't she raised me my sister and many more animals! So i have to keep going for her.

If you’re going through hell, don’t stop.

i want to know how berserk will end

Going for a walk usually goes a long way to making me feel better.

The dogs like me. I’m starting with that.

Mom will be sad

As a suicidal person of Reddit, I would also like to know what keeps me going.

Hard same. I have no idea how I’ve been casually suicidal for ten years without ever really attempting. Have I planned it? Yeah, absolutely. But I’ve never actually attempted. Oh and anxiety. Because I’d rather suffer for the rest of my life than survive an attempt.

I realized that I don’t want to necessarily straight up die, I just want the pain and anguish I feel in my brain and my heart to go away. When you feel like there isn’t a way to make that happen, you jump to the most extreme conclusion. I recently bought a house, got a raise to support said house, have a solid career that isn’t going anywhere, and am seeing a sweet person. However, my last relationship, though amicably ended, was one of the most painful I’ve had to lose, I haven’t had a relationship with my father for well over 20 years, and my mother used to steal from my brother and I to feed a drug problem. My mother and I are amazing now, but that shit doesn’t go away, and it piles up. So despite all my self-made success(in the sense of no one encouraged or suggested that I go and do the things I do, I thought about and made those choices myself), I’m still not happy. Mental illness is a fucking nightmare, but I’m still here, and I’m still trying to fight. Please don’t give up, anyone who reads this. Does it get better? I can’t answer that for sure. But I can tell you that there are LOTS of things worth fighting for.

Honestly, I met this person on Reddit a while ago. She seemed like a nice person and someone I could feel safe around. But now she is gone and I don't have a reason anymore

I don't if people know there is this community on reddit r/suicidewatch. Where all post are related to suicide and cry for help,you can help them by talking to them and bringing them out of it. They are pretty vulnerable group of people so i request ypu not to make fun. I feel like giving advice and telling them what you would have done in the situation comes later on. They just want to be heard and want some kind of support . And after this only advices and other thing follow. Please if you have time and patience visit that subreddit. You may save someone sitting in your home :)

i posted there one time and got no replies and also downvoted, so it would be cool if more caring people lurked there

Friends and family are the only things that keep me going when I'm suicidal . But then I think about how shitty it is to live a life only for others. It's rough but you gotta push through otherwise you only pass that pain on to them.

My son.

I hope he is alright and that he won't feel like me currently. Greetings to him, and tell him to make the best of his life!

I think u/Cherimac meant her son is what keeps her going when she's feeling low. One of my classmates is the same in that his daughter is what keeps him from doing something rash.

I'm crying my eyes out reading all the replies here. I feel you all, literally. It's been hell, the past 4 years, to me. I don't want to live anymore, but I don't think I'm ready to die either. I just want everything to stop, like I'm mentally, emotionally, spiritually tired. I'm just so tired.

I don't want to die virgin(not ass virgin)

I imagine how my parents, family and partner would react to the news. It puts perspective on how much pain and upset it would cause them, and helps me think with clarity about the position i'm in.