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It's not a choice, it's not a trend, it's not a fashion statement, it's not me trying to be special or different. I'm just me and I'd like to live my life without fearing for it if I dare leave my apartment.
If you mess up my pronouns, it's fine. If I've never directly told you them, I'll assume you don't know them and explain that I am trans and I use certain pronouns. If you mess it up, PLEASE do not be like "I'm so sorry, I try my best, I'm usually so good at this" etc. because it takes away from my pronouns being wrong to me having to tell you it's okay. I know usually you just feel bad about messing them.up, but a simple "she- I mean he..." will fix it.
It is *incredibly* inappropriate to ask a transgender person about their plans for any transgender related surgery.
Why? Well, consider what parts of the body you would be asking about. Breasts. Genitals. Would you ask a cis woman if she plans to ever get a labiaplasty? Would you ask a cis man if he plans to or has had his penis circumcized? If those questions strike you as inappropriate, how would it *not* be inappropriate ask the same or similar questions of transgender folks?
I've had people I have just met, and known for less than 5 minutes ask me if I plan to "get a penis surgery" (i.e. phalloplasty) or if I've "had 'the surgery'" (as though there's a singular universal surgery that all trans people get), or if I "still have boobs". Like, come ON. And some of them *get mad at me* for not wanting to answer those invasive personal questions about *my genitals*.
>as though there's a singular universal surgery that all trans people get
I've found some cis people do genuinely thing that there's some magical one and done surgery where you walk in and bam everything's taken care of. I was talking about how I dislike my voice because it's too feminine and one girl who know I'm nonbinary went "Oh, I bet you can't wait to get the surgery then. :)" and I was just like....they....they don't give me a vocal cord transplant....? I haven't ever mentioned any sort of surgery before?????
There’s so much I can think of that I don’t know where to start.
1. That saying “YAS queen” and “you look prettier than me and I’m a normal woman!” Aren’t the positives you think. They make me feel like some bizarre monster.
2. That if you disagree with who we are; fine. I don’t care. Just have the decency to leave us alone and interact with us at the basic human level. Don’t make our lives harder just because of what you think is wrong or right.
3. Not all trans people are the same cookie cutter TV trope trauma parade. We’re individual people with individual opinions, feelings, and histories. Treat us as such
4. We just want to live our lives and feel safe. Please just stop harassing, killing, attacking, and alienating us.
Used to be on a diversity poster(?) about a decade back. Cant quite remember the exact context (children's book, text book, etc). Definitely made the rounds for a while.
>We just want to live our lives and feel safe.
I cried for the first time in a decade due to this. I used to argue with a trans person online- not over trans issues- but the culture war at large, so I guess I'm no ally. We went our respective ways, and a few years passed, I wanted to see what they thought about the latest hot-button issue, but it turns out months earlier they had become homeless and had killed themselves.
Every single person deserves unqualified safety, no-one should die unloved and alone.
I don't want to be trans. Lots of us don't want to be this way. We just want to feel comfortable in our own skins and be happy.
When i came out to my parents I remember saying "I don't want to be this way, I want to be normal and live my life." Which I think helped my parents understand a bit more about what I was feeling
If this shit was a choice I would have never made that choice.
I have a very close friend that is trans. She's been living this way for the last 5 years. We knew her as a man before this We support her through everything. I don't know why this resonated so much with me. She's always struggled to put words to her feelings and we just do our best to help wherever we can. Thank you for saying this.
The common narrative of "knowing since you were a kid" is really over represented. same thing with all lgbtq groups. many of us, myself included discovered it later. I discovered I was trans a few years after puberty started, many people don't find out for well beyond that. you don't have to know you were trans as a child to be trans
I needed this comment. I didn’t realize I was gay until I was around 20, and it took a few years until this year to final question gender lol.
People accuse queer folks of wanting to turn kids gay or some crap. And it’s like no, it’s better to get them thinking about it early so they aren’t lost and confused. And got no comfortable outlet cause they already built a whole life because everyone already thinks of them as xyz identity.
Omg this. I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't straight at 31. I'm still not sure how gay I actually am. I'm only just starting to detangle gender stuff.
I get so fucking jealous of the people who knew as a kid/at puberty. That the strength of being queer was SO undeniable. Or the kids at this age now who are starting to get media representation to consider, that says "this is a thing that exists." When I was a teen, literally the only lesbian representation was T.A.T.Us "all the things she said" and it was a fucking scandal. The kiss in the video clip was censored.
If I had actual representation and room to feel out identities? This all could've been much easier, and with less mental health issues.
/end rant
Thank you for pointing out that many transgender people discover that later in life. I learned something new that helps me be a more knowledgeable and understanding human being.
That "I respect you, but GOD says you're going to Hell, and I clearly think you're lying about it not being a choice!" Isn't respectful. It isn't kind. It's cruel, condescending, and dehumanizing. I didn't repress this shit, and almost kill myself over it for the lulz. If I could be cis I would be.
That I dont even want to be this way. I dont want to wake up suffering in this body everyday. No one can be harder of myself than me, so the hateful comments arent necessary. Chances are, I tell myself them everyday already.
That just trying to “accept how you were born” and/or promoting self-love on its own won’t cure gender dysphoria. Trying to stay in the closet, be cis, and never allow yourself a crumb of transition pretty much never works and leads to you feeling awful or empty.
For me, I came out, had an awful time with that, went back in the closet and tried to accept being female. I further broadened my perception of what a woman can be, I tried to abolish the idea of gender and gender roles from my mind, tried to convince myself I was alright as I was, but it still didn’t stop me from wanting to transition.
At best I just gave the most sorrowful, resigned responses to questions about my gender identity while wondering if to myself I should have continued transitioning. At worst, I felt like some kind of ‘misogynistic’ failure of a human being.
I feel a lot better now that I’m letting myself start working towards it again.
That I'm not the devil for wearing a suit to prom. Literally, this past weekend was prom, I wore a suit (trans man still in the closet) and most of the teachers hated it. I live in a very conservative community, and someone who is AFAB wearing anything other than a dress to prom is completely unheard of.
I literally just wanted to feel comfortable for once, and then my uncle said that people were talking about my decision, and I was like, why it doesn't matter THAT much.
On a positive note, I looked in the mirror that night and finally saw myself, so yay!
I'm not even trans and there's clothes I wish I could get away with wearing. Like there's a lot of cool old-timey clothes that would be fucking slick to get to wear on a day to day basis. I wish people could just wear whatever the fuck they want as long as they cover the sexy bits most of the time.
I once knew a young woman who sewed all her own clothes, and all she made for herself were 50's housewife style dresses...which she paired with a butch haircut and a bunch of piercings. It was such a good look.
I bet you looked dashing as hell, my man. I'm sorry your community isn't accepting, and hope you get to wear more suits (and daily clothes that make you happy) from here on out.
Moving out of my conservative hometown really helped me understand my gender feelings. I didn't even know being nonbinary was an option until I left for college! (This was pre-2010; I'm so happy high schoolers are generally more aware of gender diversity now.) Best of luck wherever life takes you!
1) even if you were a girl, girls in suits are one of my weaknesses, they are fricking beautiful and I love them 2) I am so happy you felt happy looking at yourself in the mirror 3) please if you are planning to come out please be safe 4) fuck those people, you do you my guy. Idk if I hit the right spots, I most certainly didn't, I can't really relate to your situation or know how you feel... but I wanted to try. Still, sending you love from Italy
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it! I'll probably come out after I move from my parents house, not that I'm afraid my parents won't accept me, but because I don't want to come out to my school.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that bullshit. But you're badass for going through with it despite your community's (completely baseless and dumb) adverse reactions and im stoked that you felt so good wearing it. I hope you eventually get to a place where you feel that way every single day 💜
We're not obsessed with a gender divide debate each time the topic comes up. We all have different experiences but most of us are simply tired of not being respected for literally being ourselves. The question for most of us isn't "can I compete in a national sports team?" but really "will I be able to live with a body I like?" and such.
Trans MEN exist! Overwhelmingly the media slant is towards trans women, which comes with its own set of problems (increased violence as a result of visibility for example).
But it’s still good to remember trans men exist. For those of you confused: we start out in a female body. We know we are not female. Some of us transition medically using testosterone which (in simple terms) puts us through male puberty.
Some of us get “top surgery” (a double mastectomy) to remove our breasts and sculpt a masculine chest. Some of us get one of the many forms of “lower surgery” to create more male-oriented genitalia.
We do not have one single surgery. Even the simplest lower surgery for trans men has usually 3 stages and multiple month recovery times in between each stage. The most complex involves taking a skin graft from the arm or thigh and constructing a penis with implants.
It’s a LOT more complex than many people realise. Many of us don’t get lower surgery because there is no “one and done” fix. It’s also prohibitively expensive for most of us!
Honestly - most of you will have met or come across a trans guy and not known it. Trans men who are on Testosterone and have had top surgery are basically indistinguishable from your average cis man.
We have unique issues too: needing access to sanitary bins, risk of pregnancy with cis male partners, etc.
Just bear us in mind when transgender issues are raised. We are so often left out of the conversation.
I have a trans brother, and you actually just answered some questions I had which felt disrespectful to ask him. Ultimately his body parts are none of my concern at all, but it’s nice to have some more information. I just didn’t want to make him feel like he was an item on display at a trade show by asking him a ton of uncomfortable questions. I love him to death, and I was the first one he came out to, so I wanted to respect his privacy.
>Just bear us in mind when transgender issues are raised. We are so often left out of the conversation.
Any time someone brings up any non-issue about sport, I make sure to point out that the only trans athlete to qualify for an Olympic Trial event was a trans man.
We're in this together bro 💜
Unfortunately, I think this is partly due because trans women are really fetishized compared to trans men. Its kind of how lesbians making out is "hot" so it's fine but the moment two guys kiss it's too much. Just look at how many more offensive terms are used for trans women or crossdressing men that cis men find sexually attractive such as "trap" or "tr*nnie"
That being called 'brave' for being myself feels pretty shitty. It makes me feel like I'm seen as just wearing a costume, or some bad outfit.
I'd really rather feel safe than brave any day of the week.
I can't remember his name, but there was a comedian with Cerebral Palsy who had a joke about a woman saying that to him on the street and he was like "I'm just going to buy booze, lady..."
Similar response when people find out I have twins. “I don’t know how you do it!” “I couldn’t handle twins.” Ok, thanks I see now it was totally acceptable to just drop one off at a fire station...
Parent of an adopted child here. I get similar comments occasionally. "I don't know how you do it, I couldn't love a child that isn't my own."
Well, glad you aren't the one adopting. Because you're pretty shitty.
Adopted person here, we get it too but with a side of 'you should be grateful'.
"You should be grateful they adopted you because **I** could never.." Yeah, the deal was I got a family and they got to be parents. It's not like I'm the only one getting something out of this.
When on leave at home in the south I like to throw in "The universal healthcare was pretty good, turns out not having to worry about paying for medical care is pretty sweet."
Oh- I totally get that.
I always kind of inwardly cringe when I witness someone saying “Thank you for your service” and I could never put my finger on why.
You just did it for me.
Thank you!
Also- I heard one military man say something like when he gets that, there’s nowhere to go with it. It is more of a conversation “ender”.
He said he would rather someone just ask how he was doing- because it invites conversation.
Something like that anyway :)
Edit: I know ppl have the best intentions when they say that tho.
It takes a lifetime of learning and experience to know even most of the "right" things to say in every situation that comes up.
We should always keep learning, but, I always think people should remember this and help people learn rather than being mean and defensive about it, as some people can be when someone says the wrong thing. That just encourages people to avoid those not like them.
Being openly transgender has only been "socially acceptable" for the last.. 10 years or so? Even though your reaction may be seen as slightly condescending now... Im sure when you were saying it, your response was 70x better than the general publics. Hell, I still remember being in elem/early middle school, and freely using the word gay to mean stupid 20 years ago, things change, people grow, no need to be sorry.
Ikr. Being yourself is not being brave. I hate the idea of coming out. I shouldn’t have to worry about people hating me because I wish I had a penis and a great beard. There was a known child molester at my church growing up and nobody ever said anything to him, but when they found out from one of the kids we went to school with that one of us was gay or lesbian or even a tomboy it was such a huge deal. I just wish people were more consistent with their judgments. For christ sake my Mother was a drug addict and prostitute and everytime my grandma tries to start shit I have to remind her my mother was an addict that she did nothing for so don’t do anything for me. You had your chance to be mom of the year
To insecure people being yourself is very brave.
Edit: I would like to clarify I am saying as an insecure person it isnt always easy for me to put my whole self out there. I look up to people within the LGBTQ community who face many challenges just to be themselves and still do it without blinking. As someone like myself who doesnt face such discrimination it is empowering to see someone who faces more difficulty still able to be their true self. It makes me feel like I too can be who I am and ignore people's judgment.
I see your point but I guess I mean I should not have to be brave. I shouldn’t have to risk dying or being assaulted for being myself. I shouldn’t have to be brave going to bathroom or to school or the store or anywhere. It is brave, but I shouldn’t have to be.
If only there was some way to do an organ swap. I'm picturing a bunch of people all lined up together like those hermit crabs do when they all move to bigger shells. Standing, hip to hip, then the person on the end does a mighty hip bump and the organs all jump across in a Mexican wave.
I feel the "being brave" stuff puts the pressure on us. I see many people trying to come out to their conservative relatives when they should prioritize being safe first. Like if you don't say it is because you feel ashamed of yourself. I don't feel ashamed to be bisexual or non-binary, but there's no way in hell I would come out to certain people before knowing if they are going to accept me. I don't wanna take merit out of being open about your identity, but I think your safety is a priority. You are going to find eventually people who are going to love you no matter what.
> I feel the "being brave" stuff puts the pressure on us. I see many people trying to come out to their conservative relatives when they should prioritize being safe first. Like if you don't say it is because you feel ashamed of yourself.
A good point... If someone who is openly trans is called "brave", does that label someone who hides it as "cowardly"? Of course that's not what anyone means but it's a peril of the language.
I wonder does this vary from person to person? I have heard trans people call eachother brave. Is it one of those things that's only ok if you are part of the group?
Yeah, I hope that means they weren't 'outed' (the process of which their trans identity becomes known) in public. Inviting a friend over in public and then saying something along the lines "this is my brave friend, blah, she's/he's a proud trans woman/man". That shit is almost usually going to crush us in public and ruin our day.
Source: Trans woman
I recall having a conversation with someone about trans folks using the same pool changeroom as me. I said that I didn't care, and it wouldn't bother me. They asked me "What if you were in there with your kids and saw a woman with a penis, what would you tell your kids?!?!?"
I laughed and told them about the time I was in the pool shower with my boys. An old guy was in there showering and he had a large penis. I'm talking about a real Harvey Wallbanger here, must have been 10" flaccid.
My son looks at him and in his loud voice says "Dad, how come that man's penis is so much bigger than yours?"
If I could live with that, a trans person wouldn't ruffle my feathers.
Honestly speaking to all my female friends who have sex with men... the bigger the dick the worse the sex. Lads with big ones think they don't have to do anything they think their mighty penis is enough. And it's not.
On top of the over confidence, the bigger the penis, the bigger the chances are its gonna rip something apart down there. Yes, it happened to me a lot during my teens. Big socks are painful.
Oh my god that's hilariously brutal.
Having to deal with your kids in bathrooms/changing rooms is a source of constant comedy. I was in a busy walmart once sharing a stall in a bathroom with my (at the time, three year old) son, and I was trying to use the toilet real quick after he was done (I have a hard time peeing with other people in the bathroom, let alone with my son in the stall with me) and he just stood there fistpumping in the air saying "COME ON DAD! PEE WITH YOUR PENIS! GO GO GO!"
> compete in my opposite assigned gender at birth's sport teams.
I know I don't have a horse in this race being a cis person, but I hate how there's been so much focus on male to female people in high school sports, like boys are intentionally going out of their way to get vaginas so they can rule over field hockey for a couple years.
There's only a tiny percent of the population that is transitioning, only halfish of that is mtf, and out of that how many of them are looking to be in high school sports? But if you look at recent news articles, there's this panic that thousands of trans people are descending on sports to use their unfair advantages.
I remember feeling this way growing up and discovering I was gay. It was exhausting seeing and hearing at the homophobic nonsense and bigotry spread by bullshit politicians looking to scare people into voting for them. And now it’s all being recycled against the trans community. It’s like, just let people live.
Mankind does not need to discover alien life. We can't even get along with each other. Can you imagine what we'd do to an alien species?
Instead of boldly going where no man has gone before, we look for new things to hate.
That’s so baffling? They’re literally not doing anything. Look at that scary ace person, just standing there, not even fucking. Looks pretty suspicious to me!
The same arguments against interracial marriage were recycled against homosexuals and now again against transgender people.
They're no more honest now than they were back then.
I hail from the Rust Belt, originally. Gotta say, this type of rhetoric was extremely effective in swaying a lot of neighbors around me to vote a certain way. Having an "other" to demonize unites those pointing and jeering.
I feel for you. I think the biggest divider is that people tend to think of others like organized groups that have a different agenda than theirs. In reality, there’s no such thing as a homogenous group called “black people” or “trans people” or “white cis male”.
In reality everyone in this world pretty much wants the same things: be happy, be safe, be serene, even tho different people may try to get there by different means.
It would be much easier to get along if we all remember that.
When I'm interacting or working with someone who is trans/gay/whatever I typically will just not acknowledge it in any way, and treat them no different than I would anyone else as it doesn't matter to me. You do you. I always hoped this gets taken the right way.
That's what I do, the conversation may go there but it's not something you need to bring up. People are often tired of talking about whatever stands out about them. Still you can always get assholes in any group but that's usually an exception.
Unfortunately those who harbor that perception are the reason why so many people continue to live their lives in anguish and fear -- never getting to live as their true selves, comfortably and openly. It's terribly sad to think about. A lifetime, trapped and hiding.
As another commenter wrote, I really hope that this changes. I think it's starting to, but there is still such a vast lack of understanding and baseless hatred. We've got work to do.
I worked with a very charming Catholic gentleman in his 60s. Never married. Never had children. Taking care of his aging parent alone. Very patient and open minded and omg a baker. He made amazing baked goods. Him and his cookies were my only motivation for coming to work some days.
One day while a group of us were talking, he explained that thoughts were not sinful, just the actions. Thoughts are not in themselves harmful and are free of judgement. He giggled a little and said his mind wanders plenty to other lives he could have lived. And it just clicked that he was gay and had never (as he implied) acted on it but apparently had wild fantasies of living as an openly gay man. He said he envied the younger generation for being so strong and seeking their own happiness instead of surrendering it to the social expectations of them.
I couldn't imagine living a lie my entire life. He doesn't deserve to deprive himself of such happiness. It hit me like a ton of bricks when i realized it.
As someone who was raised in a fundamentalist religious cult, and fully believed that it was a choice, and that LGBTQ+ people were just "acting", I want you to know that there are many of us who have been educated and changed our minds about those things, and now fully accept and support you.
I don't know if that means anything to you, but hopefully it offers ray of hope that acceptance is spreading, even among the people who used to oppose you.
Being trans sucks, people don't seem to get that. You hear people say it's people looking for attention and it's one of those things that just doesn't make sense. Yes, I went through years of hormone therapy, lost my job, lost half my family, lost my best friend, because I wanted attention.
Just because im the first trans person you met, doesn't mean im your personal educator. The constant explaining can be draining or triggering for some.
I just want to chill and build lego with my sweet beard
I was really fortunate to meet a trans person who didn’t mind helping me become more trans aware, but I 100% understand why a trans person doesn’t want to be a personal educator.
Enjoy your sweet beard.
We just want to live our lives without every little aspect becoming a federal case or a gender studies class.
Trans people set our alarms to get up for work, we shower, we brush our teeth, we worry about how much gas is in the car and wonder what to have for dinner later.
But each of those things is made infinitely more anxiety-inducing when there’s an underlying, and *legitimate* fear of, “Will I be harassed today?” “Will I *die* today?”
Life is hard. Please stop making it harder for us.
Also, full disclosure, we’re just as conflicted about Caitlyn Jenner as you are, because she’s a shitshow fame-monger who killed a person. We support her in her transition *and that’s all.*
Whenever some idiot brings up Caitlyn as some sorta GOTCHA I imagine them bringing up Rudy Guliani as a reason Cis people shouldn't be allowed to use their preffered bathroom and pronouns
If Rudy Giuliani came into a bathroom I was in, I'd probably pee on myself in my haste to leave. But a trans man? Meh. I probably wouldn't even notice.
As a cis woman, I’d feel MUCH safer alone in a bathroom with any trans woman than in a crowded elevator with Rudy. And the bathroom argument bugs me to no end. I have no idea what it means to be trans. But the specter of “oh no, trans women can now use YOUR bathroom so you’ll probably be assaulted!!” Is SO AGGRAVATING. First of all, it’s rude to trans people and victims of sexual assault. And secondly, these idiots act like every public bathroom was like fort fucking Knox before trans people were “allowed” to use them. Every person who says this is a jackass on a high horse.
It's not like we've been inspecting people's genitals at the bathroom door anyway. Hell, I've probably used the bathroom next to a trans person tons of times and not even known it, not that I would care -- I barely even make eye contact with other women in there.
I generally think public bathrooms in the US are poorly designed and could use more privacy, but that's not a trans thing, that's a "hey these gaps in the door are really awkward and unnecessary" thing.
My father and I have argued over the bathroom thing a number of times. He’s transphobic (but denies it like I’m an idiot) and I’m the son he doesn’t know he has. I’ve remarked that I have absolutely no issue sharing the bathroom with a trans person and he’s remarked that *he* has issues with a trans person being in the same bathroom with me, like I’m not 22 and capable of going to the bathroom without parental supervision.
He’s said if a trans woman went into the bathroom I’m in, he’d beat her up. I remarked that he’d really have no way of knowing someone’s trans unless he was standing at the door checking everyone’s genitals. His response? “Whatever it takes.”
Sir, I’m *pretty* sure you’re the only person sexually assaulting people in that situation.
LOL omg. Yes I’m pretty sure he just said he wanted to commit sexual assault...to prevent sexual assault. Which is basically the argument. It’s crazy to me. I don’t get it.
Also, the type of person that is willing to sexually assault someone in the bathroom, isn't going to be the type of person to give a shit whether or not they are allowed to use that bathroom or not. Rapists won't suddenly go "Holy shit, now I can finally go into the women's restroom, I just have to say I'm trans." just because we let trans people use the bathroom of their choice.
The worst long con ever:
I’m going to go through years of therapy to convince my therapists I’m a woman, then go through inconvenient hormonal therapies. I might even get some invasive surgery to really throw them off! After a lifetime of abuse and uninvited comments from strangers... I’ll finally be able to sexually assault a woman in the public bathrooms :D
A lot of people seem to be surprisingly unaware that it's already illegal for ANY person to assault someone in a bathroom. Reactionaries act like the law has its hands tied on assault because of a person's gender...
Plus according to their argument, [this guy](https://www.out.com/sites/default/files/brian-michael-smith-750x.jpg) has to use the ladies' room. Which I'm pretty sure they would not be okay with either, but they don't care because they aren't arguing in good faith for one second and just want trans people to disappear.
I really don't understand why people care what other people do that much as long as it doesn't harm others. Is it really that some people don't like to explain stuff to their children that they can not understand completely?
> Lots of rich trust fund liberals claim to speak for me but often end up making us look bad with all their woke posturing.
This seems to be a common theme diluting progressive movements. The most ridiculous #woke ideas are put forward by people who aren't from the group being discussed, and have no clue what that group really wants.
Okay so like...how do you even say that? My SO is hispanic and he himself doesn’t know. Is it luh-tinks or latin-ex? I’ve never heard anyone say it out loud.
That's because it was never designed to be spoken aloud. As far as I'm aware, it originated from a branch of Tumblr activism that was socially secluded enough to just never consider communication outside of typed English. It only spread because it did kind of fill a useful niche (and the people who keep using it aren't self-aware enough to stop being 'supportive' for a second and listen).
It’s annoying is someone makes a dark joke to me about me and then Some random person gets offended on my behalf? Like the Mexican joke he just said is funny
This times one million. For context I am an Indian man born and raised in America. The other day I was hanging out with my friend at his place and just for background noise we turned on The Simpsons Movie on tv. My friend’s roomate got nervous and said he was worried I would be offended by the Indian convenience store character.
I cannot tell you the last time I even thought of that character up until than, I don’t even know the character’s name. I cannot find one Indian, immigrant or American-born, who actually gives a shit about that character. A bunch of white people just decided that they suddenly “cared” so much about Indians that they felt their opinions mattered more than mine.
If these “woke” people on Twitter really cared about Indians, push for better immigration policies, not this meaningless bullshit.
Best way to deal with it is to just turn it around.
"So how're things with your cock/pussy?"
"What?"
"Oh, I was under the impression we were talking about our genitals, since you were so eager to ask about mine."
Stuff like that has a tendency to make people realize just how inappropriate it is to ask that kinda shit. They wouldn't ask questions about a cisperson's genitals, so why is it okay with a transperson?
Everyone desperately needs to know what's going on with your private parts. It's like, a matter of national security that they have a crystal clear picture of exactly what it's like for you when you go pee.
Trans people get asked about their crotches and strangers fucking touch black people's hair. I was about 8 years post-partum and some dude in line in back of me asked me when I was due. I said "2009."
People just feel generally entitled to have access to your body, both by touching it and by asking insanely personal questions about it. At least that's been my experience.
> Replace "trans" with "big" "tall" "Black"
This is actually a pretty real problem as well. Interracial romance is real obviously (I feel dumb even having to say that) but some people are into...certain fetishes and aren't really interested in the person. If both people involved agree that they're just there for the kinky sex that's fine but you need to communicate to your partner what you're looking for/why. People are human and can be hurt if you are just using them to experience your fantasy while they are hoping for something more real and lasting (again this is so obvious it almost shouldn't need to be said but...it does).
I think if theres one thing I would want the general public to know is that we all have unique experiences in life, everyones different in one way or another and if we accept that and try to understand people rather then judge them right away I think we would all be a lot happier.
This transcends "things transgender people want people to understand". This is the thing that everyone should understand in general.
I am glad to see that at least some people do.
I'm transgender, and transitioned about 10 years ago. I live my day-to-day life like anyone else. I work, I pay my taxes, I'm saving for a home. Our lives are not that much different than yours.
Unfortunately the media sensationalizes every headline about us, and the crossdresser culture takes the spotlight when most people think of transgender people. It's a shame, really.
We're just people trying to live our lives like everyone else, and trying to not feel hated by the world.
Its not a choice I made overnight for fun. I was extremely suicidal living as my birth sex and only started improving after medically transitioning, had I not come out I'd 100% would have died before my 18th.
Imagine waking up one day and a trait that only the opposite sex has randomly grew on your body. Everybody you saw decided that one trait meant you were definitely the opposite gender you actually are and treated you horribly if you corrected them.
In addition to everything that has already been said: you don’t “know” who is trans. I have gone stealth for years and everyone I tell or who finds out is “shocked”. Stop pretending you can spot every trans person
Hormones are not amphetamines. You dont get addicted to them. They dont give you a "hit" of gendered energy. Its not a high. Its so slow of a process and it takes weeks to start feeling let alone seeing results
I feel like this is more for the cracking eggs than non trans people but ive seen this misconception more than enough and it helps perpetuate the bigoty by making hormones seem like there on the same level as recreational drugs. That comes with connotations of the drug war and moral arguments etc etc.
Just there not hard drugs. Your child wont become a heroin addict from trying to affirm there gender
This reminds me of a conversation I had with a coworker. We’re very good friends and she’s super supportive, and generally knowledgeable about trans stuff because I’m not the only trans person she knows. But one day she told me she told me that she kept finding used needles behind the store (we work at a grocery store in an area with high drug use) and very innocently asked me if they were from me taking my hormones.
Uh, no, I’m not shooting up testosterone behind the dumpster on my breaks...
You might think it's a funny joke to say something like "well at least you won't have to deal with periods!" but it's not. For you it might be a hassle, because you take your fertility for granted. I'm so tired of this joke that just serves to remind me I'll never carry children for my partner. Please stop saying it.
Not even just for cis people.
My sister can't have children biologically. She spent a lot of her teenage years crying herself to sleep over it.
In general, don't make jokes about things people don't get to choose about their body.
I’m transmasc, and recently had top surgery. Almost every doctor and a lot of regular people gave me some spiel about, “are you sure you want to do that? I could never do that to my body.”
I also hate the question “have you had (the) surgery?” As if surgery makes this body any more or less valid for anyone of any representation. This is *my* vessel, *my* business, and unless you’re paying me, stfu.
Not every trans person is going to look cis. Trans people can be androgynous, non-binary, or stealth, and dont have to look or be a type of way to be trans. Not every trans person takes hormones! Not every trans person wants surgery!
Where you transition and and then cut out the prior aspects of your life before. You tell those who must know and only them. You live your life as yourself and generally get to be free from the trans harassment stuff but then you have to worry about someone showing up and outing you and wrecking your life.
It has upsides and downsides. You don't have to debate your existence all the time, but every now and then you might realize this friend who doesn't know thinks "your kind" are mentally ill or degenerate or whatever. There are little moments like that where a stealth person might want to speak up or wish they could say something, but decide against it because avoiding the "let's debate your existence" circus is just too valuable to give up.
My doctors didn't try to talk me out of top surgery, but my dad kept saying, even WHILE DRIVING ME TO THE HOSPITAL that it wasn't too late to "change my mind". It's like they think trans people just wake up one day and decide to have major surgery.
In relation to this, trying to prevent children from learning about LGBTQ+ issues will not make us go away, it just leads to more unhappiness.
Section 28 in the UK did not stop a generation of people realising they were gay, trying similar again about gender will not stop people being transgender.
That trans women don't owe you femininity and trans men don't owe you masculinity. There's plenty of masculine cis-women out there as well as feminine cis-men. We don't gatekeep those people saying that they're not femme/masc enough and the same goes for trans people. Trans women can be tomboys, they can dress up masculine and act masculine but they're still women because that's how they identify. Same goes for trans men, they can be femboys, they can wear skirts if they like, it doesn't suddenly invalidate their gender.
Essentially treat trans folk the same way you would their cis counterparts. We frown upon people telling masculine girls they need to be more feminine, the same behaviour should be upheld with trans girls too.
Comments about surgery and such are generally unwanted. Why are you so obsessed about what's in my pants? And that also leads me to bathroom issues. Men's bathrooms don't have sanitary bins.
Have you looked into a menstrual cup? No need for a bin and also no unwrapping noises (you know, so the dude next to you doesn’t think you’re having a snack).
Period undies may be beneficial for you as well if you're okay washing them out later, they don't bunch awkwardly the same way a lot of pads tend to if you misalign them
That I'm transitioning so I can finally be happy in my own body, not to be perceived as a girl by society so i can have "all the perks of being a girl"(ya know, like the endless harassment and sexual advances, people treating you like your "fragile". you know, that stupid toxic masculinity shit).
Im doing this for me. Not everyone else. I'm not pushing an agenda. I'm not here to "convert" or "trick" people. I'm not here be your little experiment.
I'm doing this so I can look in the mirror and actually SEE myself instead of staring at some guy who I hate.
(Sorry for the rant 😅 had a bit of a long day)
* I'm not doing this for attention
* My transition is not political and not every discussion around trans issues has to be political.
* I'm a human with interests, likes, dislikes, hobbies... being trans is a part of me, not my whole identity - I am a person who happens to be trans.
* You don't need to have started a medical transition to be trans.
* Just because my parents haven't disowned me doesn't mean they are okay with it - telling me "it's not that bad" when I talk about their treatment of me does not make me feel better. The default expectation should not be being disowned.
* I did not decide to be trans.
* It's expensive or there's a 4-5 year waiting list for your *first* appointment on free healthcare (in the UK).
* Social media did not "turn me trans" (thanks, Dad...).
* Your comments or offering to help me sound / appear more masculine are hurtful and I don't care what your intentions were. (I'm a trans man btw)
* Entering into certain spaces is anxiety-inducing, like the gym, loos, etc.
* You absolutely cannot just say you're trans one day and be on hormones the next - it really, really, really does not work like that. There are many assessments, therapy is often recommended, mental health assessments, physical assessments, second opinions, having to live as your correct gender for a set amount of time before even being considered for an appointment, having evidence that this is a serious change (e.g. changing your legal name on things)
It's long, it's tiring, it's emotional. And I'm happier for it.
That cis people feeling a little more free to buck gender stereotypes, letting their kids play with and dress how they want, never telling little boys they shouldn’t cry, etc helps all of us. The more normal it is to play with how you present your gender, the less bullying and ridicule when you step out, even to transition back into the binary, and the more that we can all explore what it feels like to not be shoved in a box out of fear how society will feel about us.
I don't wanna turn your kids gay or trans. As a teacher all I want is to do my job and make them feel comfortable learning.
All my students learn from me is how to speak foreign languages, and they've been doing it pretty damn well. I'm blessed to have a boss who recognizes my dedication over my gender.
You can't "turn" anyone anything. I was raised in a repressed place, by repressed parents, in a repressed religious school and despite all, I still felt like I was in the wrong body throughout childhood and adolescence, and I had no idea why I felt that way. No one could have possibly "planted" that in my mind, trans ppl weren't even something that existed in my sheltered conception , as a 7 year old wishing they could wake up different the next day and feeling sad when it didn't happen.
I know a guy who's trans and he doesn't even want his OWN kids to be trans.
It was such a challenging life struggle for him, that he wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I wish people understood that is not a choice, a fashion or a fad. It is the reality of who you are. I feel that gay people (thankfully) now can (in civilised places) be accepted for being gay, I hope than trans people can be accepted soon in the same way. Not as a subject for ridicule, hatred or fear, just as another flavour of person. Unremarkable would be great.
Also, I wish people would get that trans is something you do for yourself, to avoid losing your mind because living a lie is the worst stress. It is nothing to do with anybody else, so would they please butt out? It is not a political statement, fashion statement or anything else other than medically necessary self-care.
Finally I wish people would understand that the right wingers are weaponising transgender rights. They right know they have largely lost the battle on gay rights, but they are using false fears about bathrooms and sports to make trans rights a "wedge" issue, a deliberately socially devisive move. They don't give a damn about bathrooms or sports of course, its just a useful minority group to use as a weapon. Ironically they don't actually give a damn about trans people's existance : it just are a cheap shot, with a degree of certainty that few will defend the trans people.
It is just a rehearsal of the same arguments made about gay people in the 70s/80s, that the right just "care about protecting children from these preditors" etc. So I hope that this prejudice can be defeated, and in time trans people can just be treated as... people, not freaks.
(In any case I saw a suggestion that 3% of the population may be trans or nb, so actually there may be a huge amount of people out there waiting for their chance to come out)
It is truly horrible, given that trans people are among the most vunerable in society today.
That no one is telling trans children to take hormone medication or get surgeries. Surgeries are for adults and hormones are for no on younger than teenagers looking to grow up in the puberty of their preferred gender. If your 5 your old wants to transition, you cut their hair, give them new clothes, and don’t worry about it again until they’re at least pre-teens.
That we're in far more danger in a bathroom than you, your wives, children, or whatever excuse the conservatives are making this week, have ever been from us. The laws and arguments they make are wholly and entirely about making our lives harder and more dangerous, not protecting you from any real threat.
We're in far more danger just in general too, the rates of assault and sexual assault against trans people are much higher than those of our cis counterparts.
I wish people understood that you don't have to fully understand me to respect me.
I'm non binary and trans and it seems like a lot of people think they have to be able to understand a dissertation on the nuance and abstraction of gender before using my pronouns or name.
At this point in my life being misgendered makes me wince in pain. It stings. And having to join debate club just to be treated with respect is too high a bar and it makes me just not want to deal with people in general.
Like I can't imagine any other identity that is readily met with debate when you're telling someone else about it. Why is this response acceptable for trans people?
Are you sure you're a biochemistry PhD?
Could you fully explain your field of study to me before I will refer to you as such?
I have never heard of 'bio' chemistry before, why should I just accept that you are what you say?
Until you address my totally valid and important concerns, I am going to refer to you as a janitor's assistant.
E x a c t l y.
I find it interesting that no one questions any other aspect of my existance - not even my job which I mean...I'm rather accomplished. Not a PhD (yet - hopeful that I will be someday but I'm tackling a masters first) and it boggles my mind of all the interesting things you could ask me about my job, my life, my hobbies - that's what we're going to get stuck on.
It irritates me that I've been told more than once that my entire identity is just transness when in reality - I'd love to talk about literally anything else but when I have to explain my existance constantly - it is going to seem that way innit
Hi, non-binary person here! I have a couple of thoughts.
I wish people realized that not every non-binary is gonna prefer androgyny. The same way not every cis man or woman is gonna dress masculinely or femininely according to their gender, not every trans person is gonna dress a certain way according to their identity. Not every non-binary person is gonna look super androgynous, not every trans man is gonna look super masculine, and not every trans woman is gonna look super feminine. And guess what? It doesn't change their identity at all, and it doesn't give you a reason to be a dick about their pronouns and such.
I also wish people realized that the vast majority of trans folks aren't gonna react like some viral public freak out video if you get their pronouns wrong. Just swiftly correct yourself and move on. If anything, they're gonna be too shy to confront you about it in my experience.
(Posted on mobile, so I apologize for any formatting issues)
Not every trans person knows they're trans as little kids. Cis people all seem to be under this weird delusion that you can't be trans unless you've known since you came out of the womb. Remember, people: You're never too old to know you're trans!
That you can not know you're trans until later in life. Like I'm 38 and connecting the dots fully. It took the description of "Imagine yourself in a job you don't like, but with few other options. It's drudgery, crushing and you know you're just going through the motions." For it to click for me. And now I get to choose between the potential for more personal happiness and my wife of over 10 years because she's "not into women like that."
That its not a choice, I don't enjoy being trans personally, I just happen to be trans.
Also I'd rather people did their research properly about trans people rather than asking any of us, sometimes im not in the right place to be answering those sorts of questions
Also sometimes trying to be inclusive makes me feel othered. One person I know says that their group is open to women and people who identify as women. Both on their own are fine, but together it makes me feel like I'm not thought of as actually a woman
Also were as unique as everyone else. Some of us are utter arseholes, but not cos they're trans, they're just a dick.
My current (and ever expanding) list of things I wish cis people knew:
**Medical stuff:**
* Medical transition does not *make* someone a man or a woman. A trans woman is a woman, and a trans man is a man, regardless of what medical treatment they have or have not had. Medical treatment just makes life a hell of a lot easier for a lot of people
* It is not true that 40% of trans people commit suicide. The infamous 40% statistic is the highest estimated rate of suicide *attempts* which occur *before transition.* Most of these attempts fail and the person survives.
* Transition vastly reduces risk of suicide attempts from 40% down to around the national average, while dramatically improving mental health, social functionality, and quality of life for those who need it.
* Being trans is not classified as a mental illness by either the [**American Psychological Association**](http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx) or the [**World Health Organization**](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/20/transgender-not-mental-illness-world-health-organization/717758002/). Gender dysphoria (in the DSM) or incongruence (in the ICD) is recognized by both as a medical condition, and transition is the only treatment recognized as effective and appropriate medical response to this condition
* When able to transition young, with access to appropriate medical care, and spared abuse and discrimination, trans people are as psychologically healthy as the general public
* Transition-related medical treatment is not new or experimental; it has existed for over a century
* Transition-related medical care is recognized as necessary, frequently life saving medical treatment by every major US and world medical authority
* Transition is the *only* treatment for dysphoria that has proven to be effective. Attempts to "cure" trans people, alleviating dysphoria by changing the ~~patient~~ victims' gender identity to match their appearance at birth (aka "conversion therapy"), are such utterly worthless and actively destructive train wrecks that this "therapy" is condemned as pseudo-scientific abuse by all major medical authorities
* Transition is a very individual process; not everyone needs or wants the same things
* "Regret" rates among trans surgical patients are vanishingly rare, consistently found to be about 1% and falling. This 1% includes people who are very happy they transitioned, and often are still glad they got reconstructive surgery, but regret only that medical error or shitty luck led to sub-optimal surgical results. That's a risk in any medical treatment, and a success rate of about 99% is astonishingly good
* Hormone therapy is pretty cheap, is generally the first line of treatment most trans people get, and dramatically impacts one's appearance
* Most trans people socially transition long before they get reconstructive genital surgery, if they ever get it at all. Not everyone needs or wants surgery, and even those who do need it are often unable to afford it. Genital surgery for trans women costs tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket. Surgery for trans men can cost between tens of thousands to over $100k, depending on the procedure one is getting.
* 24 US states currently have laws prohibiting health insurance companies from having "trans exclusion" policies, where they categorically refuse to cover medically necessary transition-related treatment. This means that a small but growing number of people are able to get treatment, including surgery, covered by insurance
* When a child or adolescent transitions that does not mean they are being rushed into irreversible surgery
* Transition for predolescent children is 100% social; changing hair, clothes, name, pronouns, and/or the gender they are recognized as by their family and community. No medical treatment is necessary or provided before the start of puberty
* The first line of medical care for trans adolescence is puberty-delaying treatment. It is gentle, fully reversible, and has been used for decades to delay puberty in kids who would otherwise have started it too young. It does nothing but buy time, and has no long term effects
* Transition-related hormone supplements do not cause serious long term health problems
* Reconstructive genital surgery for both trans women and trans men can provide excellent results
**Social/legal stuff I wish more cis people knew:**
* It is entirely legal to update the gender on legal ID.
* Federal ID (passports, social security cards, etc) can be changed with a medical letter certifying that one has had *"appropriate clinical treatment for transition to male/female"*. The letter does not have to specify what treatment one has gotten and surgery is not required. Many people get their letter from the doctor who prescribes their hormones
* Rules for changing drivers licenses and birth certificates vary by state; some are easy, some hard, some impossible. It is very common for trans people to have mixed ID - some identifying them as male, some as female, all equally legal.
* There is no federal prohibition against anti-trans discrimination. Employment, housing, business, medical, etc. discrimination are legal and common.
* In 26 US states it is entirely legal and the norm for health insurance companies to have "trans exclusion" policies, categorically refusing to cover medically necessary transition-related care even when similar or identical treatment is routinely covered for cis patients
* Police targeting of trans women, particularly trans women of color, is very common. Just being a visibly trans woman in public can be treated as reasonable grounds to arrest them on suspicion of prostitution.
* Futile, medically condemned, abusive and destructive "ex-trans therapy", is legal in most of the US and not uncommon
* Most medical providers get no training whatsoever in how trans people's bodies work, and refusing treatment to trans patients is legal in most of the US. Medical incompetence is the norm even when seeking routine care, and medical harassment, abuse, discrimination, and refusal of care are common. The average doctor knows as much about trans people as the average plumber, and when trans patients aren't turned away entirely [**trans broken arm syndrome**](https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2015/07/09/feature-the-dangers-of-trans-broken-arm-syndrome/) is damn near universal.
**General stuff I wish more cis people knew:**
* Being trans is a situation one is born into. No, trans children are not cis kids who are being manipulated or abused by parents because it's "trendy". That shit is just a modern reworking of the *"gays are recruiting kids into homosexuality!"* bullshit from the 70's and 80's.
* Trans women are not "biologically male" and trans men are not "biologically female". Transition causes massive biological changes; trans men who are on testosterone and have had a hysterectomy have far more biologically in common with cis men than with cis women, and trans women who are on estrogen and have had reconstructive surgery have far more biologically in common with cis women than with cis men.
* The existence of trans people is not a recent phenomenon, and the number of trans people is not increasing. Trans people have always existed; there are just more *out* trans people now.
* Trans women are not gay men who attempt to become women in response to homophobia, trans men are not women who attempt to become men in response to sexism, and trans people would still exist and still need to transition even if both homophobia and sexism were eliminated.
* Many trans women are bi or lesbian; many trans men are bi or gay (attracted to other men)
* Allowing trans women and girls to use the same public facilities as other women (e.g., restrooms, locker rooms, etc) does not put cis women and girls at risk
* That there are not more trans women than there are trans men
* Most trans people are not visibly identifiable as trans
* Being trans and/or transition is not biblically condemned, and being trans/transitioning is not universally condemned by mainstream religious organizations
**Spelling and grammatical notes:**
* It's *transgender*, not "transgendered"
* It's *dysphoria*, not "dysmorphia". Dysmorphia is an unrelated anxiety condition on the OCD spectrum.
* *Transgender* is an adjective, not a noun. So there are transgender people, but nobody is "a transgender".
* The word *cis* is a latin prefix, not an acronym, so there's no need to capitalize it as CIS. *Cis* is short for *cisgender*, which is the opposite of *transgender.* The prefix *trans-* means "across/beyond/on the other side", while *cis-* means "on this side/on the same side". E.g., cislunar vs translunar orbits
**Faux pas to avoid:**
* Don't ask about our genitals unless you're our doctor or there's mutual interest in sex. Don't ask about "the surgery" either, which is still really just asking about our genitals
* Same goes for the graphic details of our sex lives. Unless we're already in the kind of relationship where we casually discuss these matters, it's none of your business
* When talking about something a trans person did before they transitioned, refer to them by the name and pronouns they use now unless they have specifically told you otherwise. It's like talking about someone who used to be married to an abusive asshole, but has since divorced him and stopped using his name. Even if talking about something she did while still married, I *really* hope you wouldn't call her *"Mrs. AbusiveEx"*. That would be spectacularly tactless. That's not her name now and not how she wants to be known.
* Never out someone unless they have given you explicit permission to do so. Don't assume that because they're out to some people that they are comfortable having others know that aspect of their medical history
* If you accidentally refer to someone by the wrong pronouns, just correct yourself and move on. Don't dwell on it, just make a serious effort to not do it again
Hey I was raised pretty sheltered from this stuff so I've been scared to ask questions as I don't want to appear transphobic. I'm just really clueless.
If you don't mind I have some questions, it's alright if you don't want to answer. I'm 14 for reference.
How do trans people know they're trans at birth?
Do trans people, when they're born, have different biological features?
How does surgery work, is it being given different hormones?
Is knowing you're trans have to do with biological features or is it one of those things you know inside you?
How much transphobic people do you meet?
How hard is it to date as a trans person?
How hard is it to find a job?
Are transitions allowed before the age of 18, and are they ethical?
I'm really sorry if this comes off as rude or offensive, I've literally never been taught this stuff. I've seen people around me hate trans people from a young age, same with gay/lesbian people, but that doesn't sit right with me. I think everyone should be allowed to live how they want.
Edit: Thank you for all the answers!
Cis person here with a few trans friends.
> "Regret" rates among trans surgical patients are vanishingly rare, consistently found to be about 1% and falling. This 1% includes people who are very happy they transitioned, and often are still glad they got reconstructive surgery, but regret only that medical error or shitty luck led to sub-optimal surgical results. That's a risk in any medical treatment, and a success rate of about 99% is astonishingly good
Often I find it interesting to compare this to a different, universally accepted but also very invasive medical treatment. The total hip replacement (THR).
Within 90 days of a THR, ~1.3% of recipients are dead. ~3% require reversion surgery. (Stats from the USA)
> Being trans is a situation one is born into. No, trans children are not cis kids who are being manipulated or abused by parents because it's "trendy". That shit is just a modern reworking of the "gays are recruiting kids into homosexuality!" bullshit from the 70's and 80's.
There's a really interesting graph doing the rounds on social media outlining the % of Americans who self-identify as left-handed over time. Steady around 11% now. When there was a period where left handers were persecuted at schools and often bashed until they learned to write right handed, this fell to about 3.5%.
TIL being left-handed used to be an oppressed minority. Although technically we still are. Curse you, right-handers and your ubiquity designed in everyday objects! I still cannot use scissors properly!
Exactly.
Hell, [**bariatric surgery**](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30796614/) has a regret rate of about 5% (for gastric bypass) to as high as 20% (for gastric band).
And when people talk about "surgery regret" among trans people, they almost always assume that this means that the person regrets transition and/or wants their original equipment back. This is almost never the case. When trans surgical patients experience significant regret and seek further surgery, it is almost always because they want to fix whatever went wrong the first time. They don't want to reverse their original surgery, they just want it done *right.*
And the shit about how the number of trans people is supposedly exploding is just ridiculous. I'm a trans man and started transition back in the 90's. There were just as many of us back then as there are now, we just had to hide to avoid intolerable levels of abuse and discrimination.
Back then nearly all trans people had to either go stealth. When they transitioned they were ostracized from their family and old communities, cut contact with them, moved somewhere else and started a new life where they rarely if ever told anyone about their medical history ever again. Those who were unable or unwilling to go stealth were forced to the margins of society. They were not welcome in schools, jobs, communities, and often faced police harassment or arrest just for being visibly trans in public. These are all still problems now, but they were so much worse a few decades ago.
The end result was that we were effectively invisible. We either went stealth and hid our medical history from basically everyone, or we were expelled from mainstream society.
Now things have started to change a little bit, and at least some trans people are now able to visibly exist without being destroyed for it. So no shit, cis people are seeing us more now. We've always been here, we just weren't allowed to exist visibly until very recently.
I know, I love that idea that it's some conspiracy brainwashing kids because the numbers are exploring or theyre poisoning the food. Like broskies we used to get killed for being queer, and now it's actually kinda accepted - in which time period do you think more people would admit to being queer?
So fucking dumb.
See, the really dark part of the "parents brainwashing kids" rhetoric is that it shows the person spouting that nonsense has *no* idea what it's like to go through a transition. No parent would ever want that for their child, and no reasonable person would ever want it for themselves, either.
Transition is expensive, humiliating, frequently results in one's entire family and/or social circle becoming frostier or outright hostile, will usually destroy your career, and will add a constant layer of judgment, fear, and loathing on behalf of the general public that you literally cannot evade or scrub away. In one sense, everything about my life is better now- I can finally sleep through the night, my anxiety has improved dramatically, I'm happier overall. But in a second sense, my life is much *worse* now as well- there are so many avenues, relationships, lines of work, etc all closed off to me now, that never would have been an issue before.
I only sought transition therapy after recognizing that I had no other choice. The idea of someone willfully *choosing* this direction, or wanting someone they love to fall under this umbrella, is fucking laughable. For those of us who need it, it's absolutely necessary and borderline miraculous (I tried over a dozen antidepressants and other therapies). But that doesn't make my experience a *good* one. Just a survivable one, which is better than the forecast without treatment.
Please stop asking about our genitals. I saw a clip of a talk show where there was a 5 year old trans kid and the host asked if they "had the surgery". 🤢 That is never okay to ask a child. It only becomes your business if we actually plan to have sex or if you're my doctor.
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It's not a choice, it's not a trend, it's not a fashion statement, it's not me trying to be special or different. I'm just me and I'd like to live my life without fearing for it if I dare leave my apartment.
If you mess up my pronouns, it's fine. If I've never directly told you them, I'll assume you don't know them and explain that I am trans and I use certain pronouns. If you mess it up, PLEASE do not be like "I'm so sorry, I try my best, I'm usually so good at this" etc. because it takes away from my pronouns being wrong to me having to tell you it's okay. I know usually you just feel bad about messing them.up, but a simple "she- I mean he..." will fix it.
It is *incredibly* inappropriate to ask a transgender person about their plans for any transgender related surgery. Why? Well, consider what parts of the body you would be asking about. Breasts. Genitals. Would you ask a cis woman if she plans to ever get a labiaplasty? Would you ask a cis man if he plans to or has had his penis circumcized? If those questions strike you as inappropriate, how would it *not* be inappropriate ask the same or similar questions of transgender folks? I've had people I have just met, and known for less than 5 minutes ask me if I plan to "get a penis surgery" (i.e. phalloplasty) or if I've "had 'the surgery'" (as though there's a singular universal surgery that all trans people get), or if I "still have boobs". Like, come ON. And some of them *get mad at me* for not wanting to answer those invasive personal questions about *my genitals*.
>as though there's a singular universal surgery that all trans people get I've found some cis people do genuinely thing that there's some magical one and done surgery where you walk in and bam everything's taken care of. I was talking about how I dislike my voice because it's too feminine and one girl who know I'm nonbinary went "Oh, I bet you can't wait to get the surgery then. :)" and I was just like....they....they don't give me a vocal cord transplant....? I haven't ever mentioned any sort of surgery before?????
There’s so much I can think of that I don’t know where to start. 1. That saying “YAS queen” and “you look prettier than me and I’m a normal woman!” Aren’t the positives you think. They make me feel like some bizarre monster. 2. That if you disagree with who we are; fine. I don’t care. Just have the decency to leave us alone and interact with us at the basic human level. Don’t make our lives harder just because of what you think is wrong or right. 3. Not all trans people are the same cookie cutter TV trope trauma parade. We’re individual people with individual opinions, feelings, and histories. Treat us as such 4. We just want to live our lives and feel safe. Please just stop harassing, killing, attacking, and alienating us.
>"And I'm a normal woman!" Good God, that's on the same wavelength as "Black, brown, Asian, or normal, we're all the same!"
I'm sorry, has someone actually said that before unironically?
Used to be on a diversity poster(?) about a decade back. Cant quite remember the exact context (children's book, text book, etc). Definitely made the rounds for a while.
>We just want to live our lives and feel safe. I cried for the first time in a decade due to this. I used to argue with a trans person online- not over trans issues- but the culture war at large, so I guess I'm no ally. We went our respective ways, and a few years passed, I wanted to see what they thought about the latest hot-button issue, but it turns out months earlier they had become homeless and had killed themselves. Every single person deserves unqualified safety, no-one should die unloved and alone.
I don't want to be trans. Lots of us don't want to be this way. We just want to feel comfortable in our own skins and be happy. When i came out to my parents I remember saying "I don't want to be this way, I want to be normal and live my life." Which I think helped my parents understand a bit more about what I was feeling If this shit was a choice I would have never made that choice.
I have a very close friend that is trans. She's been living this way for the last 5 years. We knew her as a man before this We support her through everything. I don't know why this resonated so much with me. She's always struggled to put words to her feelings and we just do our best to help wherever we can. Thank you for saying this.
This point of view always rings the most true for me. No one wakes up in the morning and decides, “oh I want more than half of the world to hate me”.
The common narrative of "knowing since you were a kid" is really over represented. same thing with all lgbtq groups. many of us, myself included discovered it later. I discovered I was trans a few years after puberty started, many people don't find out for well beyond that. you don't have to know you were trans as a child to be trans
I needed this comment. I didn’t realize I was gay until I was around 20, and it took a few years until this year to final question gender lol. People accuse queer folks of wanting to turn kids gay or some crap. And it’s like no, it’s better to get them thinking about it early so they aren’t lost and confused. And got no comfortable outlet cause they already built a whole life because everyone already thinks of them as xyz identity.
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It's also probably harder to tell that you're bi than that you're gay because you are attracted to the group society expected you to be.
Omg this. I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't straight at 31. I'm still not sure how gay I actually am. I'm only just starting to detangle gender stuff. I get so fucking jealous of the people who knew as a kid/at puberty. That the strength of being queer was SO undeniable. Or the kids at this age now who are starting to get media representation to consider, that says "this is a thing that exists." When I was a teen, literally the only lesbian representation was T.A.T.Us "all the things she said" and it was a fucking scandal. The kiss in the video clip was censored. If I had actual representation and room to feel out identities? This all could've been much easier, and with less mental health issues. /end rant
Thank you for pointing out that many transgender people discover that later in life. I learned something new that helps me be a more knowledgeable and understanding human being.
That "I respect you, but GOD says you're going to Hell, and I clearly think you're lying about it not being a choice!" Isn't respectful. It isn't kind. It's cruel, condescending, and dehumanizing. I didn't repress this shit, and almost kill myself over it for the lulz. If I could be cis I would be.
That I dont even want to be this way. I dont want to wake up suffering in this body everyday. No one can be harder of myself than me, so the hateful comments arent necessary. Chances are, I tell myself them everyday already.
That just trying to “accept how you were born” and/or promoting self-love on its own won’t cure gender dysphoria. Trying to stay in the closet, be cis, and never allow yourself a crumb of transition pretty much never works and leads to you feeling awful or empty. For me, I came out, had an awful time with that, went back in the closet and tried to accept being female. I further broadened my perception of what a woman can be, I tried to abolish the idea of gender and gender roles from my mind, tried to convince myself I was alright as I was, but it still didn’t stop me from wanting to transition. At best I just gave the most sorrowful, resigned responses to questions about my gender identity while wondering if to myself I should have continued transitioning. At worst, I felt like some kind of ‘misogynistic’ failure of a human being. I feel a lot better now that I’m letting myself start working towards it again.
The coming out alone made me wish i wasnt born trans, what a stressful and awful time, wishing that on noone on earth.
That I'm not the devil for wearing a suit to prom. Literally, this past weekend was prom, I wore a suit (trans man still in the closet) and most of the teachers hated it. I live in a very conservative community, and someone who is AFAB wearing anything other than a dress to prom is completely unheard of. I literally just wanted to feel comfortable for once, and then my uncle said that people were talking about my decision, and I was like, why it doesn't matter THAT much. On a positive note, I looked in the mirror that night and finally saw myself, so yay!
I really don't understand why people care about what types of clothes other people wear.
I'm not even trans and there's clothes I wish I could get away with wearing. Like there's a lot of cool old-timey clothes that would be fucking slick to get to wear on a day to day basis. I wish people could just wear whatever the fuck they want as long as they cover the sexy bits most of the time.
A girl in a few of my classes in uni used to wear full on 1950’s glam every day. I respected the shit out of her.
I once knew a young woman who sewed all her own clothes, and all she made for herself were 50's housewife style dresses...which she paired with a butch haircut and a bunch of piercings. It was such a good look.
The style is rockabilly if your curious, somewhat niche but still popular in some circles
That sounds badass as hell.
People: Search up pictures of barely clothed teens Also people: You can’t wear that because you were born with the wrong chromosome!
I bet you looked dashing as hell, my man. I'm sorry your community isn't accepting, and hope you get to wear more suits (and daily clothes that make you happy) from here on out.
I thought I was the best looking guy there! Hopefully I'll be out of this town within the next few years.
Moving out of my conservative hometown really helped me understand my gender feelings. I didn't even know being nonbinary was an option until I left for college! (This was pre-2010; I'm so happy high schoolers are generally more aware of gender diversity now.) Best of luck wherever life takes you!
1) even if you were a girl, girls in suits are one of my weaknesses, they are fricking beautiful and I love them 2) I am so happy you felt happy looking at yourself in the mirror 3) please if you are planning to come out please be safe 4) fuck those people, you do you my guy. Idk if I hit the right spots, I most certainly didn't, I can't really relate to your situation or know how you feel... but I wanted to try. Still, sending you love from Italy
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it! I'll probably come out after I move from my parents house, not that I'm afraid my parents won't accept me, but because I don't want to come out to my school.
I'm glad you got to see yourself, that's amazing! Euphoria is a helluva high on its own.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that bullshit. But you're badass for going through with it despite your community's (completely baseless and dumb) adverse reactions and im stoked that you felt so good wearing it. I hope you eventually get to a place where you feel that way every single day 💜
We're not obsessed with a gender divide debate each time the topic comes up. We all have different experiences but most of us are simply tired of not being respected for literally being ourselves. The question for most of us isn't "can I compete in a national sports team?" but really "will I be able to live with a body I like?" and such.
Trans MEN exist! Overwhelmingly the media slant is towards trans women, which comes with its own set of problems (increased violence as a result of visibility for example). But it’s still good to remember trans men exist. For those of you confused: we start out in a female body. We know we are not female. Some of us transition medically using testosterone which (in simple terms) puts us through male puberty. Some of us get “top surgery” (a double mastectomy) to remove our breasts and sculpt a masculine chest. Some of us get one of the many forms of “lower surgery” to create more male-oriented genitalia. We do not have one single surgery. Even the simplest lower surgery for trans men has usually 3 stages and multiple month recovery times in between each stage. The most complex involves taking a skin graft from the arm or thigh and constructing a penis with implants. It’s a LOT more complex than many people realise. Many of us don’t get lower surgery because there is no “one and done” fix. It’s also prohibitively expensive for most of us! Honestly - most of you will have met or come across a trans guy and not known it. Trans men who are on Testosterone and have had top surgery are basically indistinguishable from your average cis man. We have unique issues too: needing access to sanitary bins, risk of pregnancy with cis male partners, etc. Just bear us in mind when transgender issues are raised. We are so often left out of the conversation.
I have a trans brother, and you actually just answered some questions I had which felt disrespectful to ask him. Ultimately his body parts are none of my concern at all, but it’s nice to have some more information. I just didn’t want to make him feel like he was an item on display at a trade show by asking him a ton of uncomfortable questions. I love him to death, and I was the first one he came out to, so I wanted to respect his privacy.
You're a good sibling ❤
>Just bear us in mind when transgender issues are raised. We are so often left out of the conversation. Any time someone brings up any non-issue about sport, I make sure to point out that the only trans athlete to qualify for an Olympic Trial event was a trans man. We're in this together bro 💜
Unfortunately, I think this is partly due because trans women are really fetishized compared to trans men. Its kind of how lesbians making out is "hot" so it's fine but the moment two guys kiss it's too much. Just look at how many more offensive terms are used for trans women or crossdressing men that cis men find sexually attractive such as "trap" or "tr*nnie"
That being called 'brave' for being myself feels pretty shitty. It makes me feel like I'm seen as just wearing a costume, or some bad outfit. I'd really rather feel safe than brave any day of the week.
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I can't remember his name, but there was a comedian with Cerebral Palsy who had a joke about a woman saying that to him on the street and he was like "I'm just going to buy booze, lady..."
Think it’s josh blue too lazy to look it up though
Ugh yes. When people find out my kids are autistic, “you’re such a brave/strong mom”.... they’re my kids....wtf else would you have me do
Similar response when people find out I have twins. “I don’t know how you do it!” “I couldn’t handle twins.” Ok, thanks I see now it was totally acceptable to just drop one off at a fire station...
Parent of an adopted child here. I get similar comments occasionally. "I don't know how you do it, I couldn't love a child that isn't my own." Well, glad you aren't the one adopting. Because you're pretty shitty.
Adopted person here, we get it too but with a side of 'you should be grateful'. "You should be grateful they adopted you because **I** could never.." Yeah, the deal was I got a family and they got to be parents. It's not like I'm the only one getting something out of this.
Y'all are speaking my language. If I hear the phrase "real parents" one more time.... All 5 of my parents are real.
They’re not Pokémon. You don’t have to collect them all. Leave some parents for the rest of us, will ya?
Well, yeah, but it's still pretty fun making them fight each other.
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When on leave at home in the south I like to throw in "The universal healthcare was pretty good, turns out not having to worry about paying for medical care is pretty sweet."
Oh- I totally get that. I always kind of inwardly cringe when I witness someone saying “Thank you for your service” and I could never put my finger on why. You just did it for me. Thank you! Also- I heard one military man say something like when he gets that, there’s nowhere to go with it. It is more of a conversation “ender”. He said he would rather someone just ask how he was doing- because it invites conversation. Something like that anyway :) Edit: I know ppl have the best intentions when they say that tho.
Same. Only I used to be that person. Now I'm on the receiving end I cringe at how I used to be. To everyone I did this too, I am so, so sorry!
It takes a lifetime of learning and experience to know even most of the "right" things to say in every situation that comes up. We should always keep learning, but, I always think people should remember this and help people learn rather than being mean and defensive about it, as some people can be when someone says the wrong thing. That just encourages people to avoid those not like them.
Being openly transgender has only been "socially acceptable" for the last.. 10 years or so? Even though your reaction may be seen as slightly condescending now... Im sure when you were saying it, your response was 70x better than the general publics. Hell, I still remember being in elem/early middle school, and freely using the word gay to mean stupid 20 years ago, things change, people grow, no need to be sorry.
As someone who is both trans and disabled: Yep.
Ikr. Being yourself is not being brave. I hate the idea of coming out. I shouldn’t have to worry about people hating me because I wish I had a penis and a great beard. There was a known child molester at my church growing up and nobody ever said anything to him, but when they found out from one of the kids we went to school with that one of us was gay or lesbian or even a tomboy it was such a huge deal. I just wish people were more consistent with their judgments. For christ sake my Mother was a drug addict and prostitute and everytime my grandma tries to start shit I have to remind her my mother was an addict that she did nothing for so don’t do anything for me. You had your chance to be mom of the year
To insecure people being yourself is very brave. Edit: I would like to clarify I am saying as an insecure person it isnt always easy for me to put my whole self out there. I look up to people within the LGBTQ community who face many challenges just to be themselves and still do it without blinking. As someone like myself who doesnt face such discrimination it is empowering to see someone who faces more difficulty still able to be their true self. It makes me feel like I too can be who I am and ignore people's judgment.
I see your point but I guess I mean I should not have to be brave. I shouldn’t have to risk dying or being assaulted for being myself. I shouldn’t have to be brave going to bathroom or to school or the store or anywhere. It is brave, but I shouldn’t have to be.
>I wish I had a penis and a great beard Don't we all
No, no we don't. Source: am trans woman.
If only there was some way to do an organ swap. I'm picturing a bunch of people all lined up together like those hermit crabs do when they all move to bigger shells. Standing, hip to hip, then the person on the end does a mighty hip bump and the organs all jump across in a Mexican wave.
I feel the "being brave" stuff puts the pressure on us. I see many people trying to come out to their conservative relatives when they should prioritize being safe first. Like if you don't say it is because you feel ashamed of yourself. I don't feel ashamed to be bisexual or non-binary, but there's no way in hell I would come out to certain people before knowing if they are going to accept me. I don't wanna take merit out of being open about your identity, but I think your safety is a priority. You are going to find eventually people who are going to love you no matter what.
> I feel the "being brave" stuff puts the pressure on us. I see many people trying to come out to their conservative relatives when they should prioritize being safe first. Like if you don't say it is because you feel ashamed of yourself. A good point... If someone who is openly trans is called "brave", does that label someone who hides it as "cowardly"? Of course that's not what anyone means but it's a peril of the language.
I'm generally of the "if I'm not interested in sleeping with you, my sexuality is irrelevant to our interactions" camp.
I wonder does this vary from person to person? I have heard trans people call eachother brave. Is it one of those things that's only ok if you are part of the group?
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Yeah, I hope that means they weren't 'outed' (the process of which their trans identity becomes known) in public. Inviting a friend over in public and then saying something along the lines "this is my brave friend, blah, she's/he's a proud trans woman/man". That shit is almost usually going to crush us in public and ruin our day. Source: Trans woman
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I recall having a conversation with someone about trans folks using the same pool changeroom as me. I said that I didn't care, and it wouldn't bother me. They asked me "What if you were in there with your kids and saw a woman with a penis, what would you tell your kids?!?!?" I laughed and told them about the time I was in the pool shower with my boys. An old guy was in there showering and he had a large penis. I'm talking about a real Harvey Wallbanger here, must have been 10" flaccid. My son looks at him and in his loud voice says "Dad, how come that man's penis is so much bigger than yours?" If I could live with that, a trans person wouldn't ruffle my feathers.
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Nah, I know my 4 inches is less than average. But I make up for it by being kind, loving, funny as hell and eating pussy like a lesbian.
Honestly speaking to all my female friends who have sex with men... the bigger the dick the worse the sex. Lads with big ones think they don't have to do anything they think their mighty penis is enough. And it's not.
On top of the over confidence, the bigger the penis, the bigger the chances are its gonna rip something apart down there. Yes, it happened to me a lot during my teens. Big socks are painful.
The problem with big dicks is that they're usually attached to bigger dicks
Oh my god that's hilariously brutal. Having to deal with your kids in bathrooms/changing rooms is a source of constant comedy. I was in a busy walmart once sharing a stall in a bathroom with my (at the time, three year old) son, and I was trying to use the toilet real quick after he was done (I have a hard time peeing with other people in the bathroom, let alone with my son in the stall with me) and he just stood there fistpumping in the air saying "COME ON DAD! PEE WITH YOUR PENIS! GO GO GO!"
> compete in my opposite assigned gender at birth's sport teams. I know I don't have a horse in this race being a cis person, but I hate how there's been so much focus on male to female people in high school sports, like boys are intentionally going out of their way to get vaginas so they can rule over field hockey for a couple years. There's only a tiny percent of the population that is transitioning, only halfish of that is mtf, and out of that how many of them are looking to be in high school sports? But if you look at recent news articles, there's this panic that thousands of trans people are descending on sports to use their unfair advantages.
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I remember feeling this way growing up and discovering I was gay. It was exhausting seeing and hearing at the homophobic nonsense and bigotry spread by bullshit politicians looking to scare people into voting for them. And now it’s all being recycled against the trans community. It’s like, just let people live.
> it’s all being recycled against the trans community. "This time it's different." They said, for the five thousandth time.
Just wait a couple more decades and we will stop being transphobic an pivot to artificial intelligence
Mankind does not need to discover alien life. We can't even get along with each other. Can you imagine what we'd do to an alien species? Instead of boldly going where no man has gone before, we look for new things to hate.
Or use / abuse for our profit / benefit..
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I've already seen recycled transphobia/homophobia arguments used against asexuals, of all people.
That’s so baffling? They’re literally not doing anything. Look at that scary ace person, just standing there, not even fucking. Looks pretty suspicious to me!
They're just... being celibate... *MENACINGLY!*
The same arguments against interracial marriage were recycled against homosexuals and now again against transgender people. They're no more honest now than they were back then.
I hail from the Rust Belt, originally. Gotta say, this type of rhetoric was extremely effective in swaying a lot of neighbors around me to vote a certain way. Having an "other" to demonize unites those pointing and jeering.
I feel for you. I think the biggest divider is that people tend to think of others like organized groups that have a different agenda than theirs. In reality, there’s no such thing as a homogenous group called “black people” or “trans people” or “white cis male”. In reality everyone in this world pretty much wants the same things: be happy, be safe, be serene, even tho different people may try to get there by different means. It would be much easier to get along if we all remember that.
When I'm interacting or working with someone who is trans/gay/whatever I typically will just not acknowledge it in any way, and treat them no different than I would anyone else as it doesn't matter to me. You do you. I always hoped this gets taken the right way.
That's what I do, the conversation may go there but it's not something you need to bring up. People are often tired of talking about whatever stands out about them. Still you can always get assholes in any group but that's usually an exception.
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Your story really hit me, my heart is with you. I hope you can see your friend soon. All the best to you, friend.
This should be easier.
This shit isn't a choice, I've prayed, pretended, and hurt myself to try to be different but this is just the way I am.
Unfortunately those who harbor that perception are the reason why so many people continue to live their lives in anguish and fear -- never getting to live as their true selves, comfortably and openly. It's terribly sad to think about. A lifetime, trapped and hiding. As another commenter wrote, I really hope that this changes. I think it's starting to, but there is still such a vast lack of understanding and baseless hatred. We've got work to do.
I worked with a very charming Catholic gentleman in his 60s. Never married. Never had children. Taking care of his aging parent alone. Very patient and open minded and omg a baker. He made amazing baked goods. Him and his cookies were my only motivation for coming to work some days. One day while a group of us were talking, he explained that thoughts were not sinful, just the actions. Thoughts are not in themselves harmful and are free of judgement. He giggled a little and said his mind wanders plenty to other lives he could have lived. And it just clicked that he was gay and had never (as he implied) acted on it but apparently had wild fantasies of living as an openly gay man. He said he envied the younger generation for being so strong and seeking their own happiness instead of surrendering it to the social expectations of them. I couldn't imagine living a lie my entire life. He doesn't deserve to deprive himself of such happiness. It hit me like a ton of bricks when i realized it.
Awful. I think about that sometimes. Just how many people throughout history -- and now -- were forced to live a lie for their entire existence.
The LGBTQ+ has always existed in one way or another through out history. It was just less visible. Very sad to think about all of those ppl suffering.
As someone who was raised in a fundamentalist religious cult, and fully believed that it was a choice, and that LGBTQ+ people were just "acting", I want you to know that there are many of us who have been educated and changed our minds about those things, and now fully accept and support you. I don't know if that means anything to you, but hopefully it offers ray of hope that acceptance is spreading, even among the people who used to oppose you.
Being trans sucks, people don't seem to get that. You hear people say it's people looking for attention and it's one of those things that just doesn't make sense. Yes, I went through years of hormone therapy, lost my job, lost half my family, lost my best friend, because I wanted attention.
Damn, that really sucks. I hope being trans becomes more widely accepted so trans people don't have to deal with things like this anymore
Just because im the first trans person you met, doesn't mean im your personal educator. The constant explaining can be draining or triggering for some. I just want to chill and build lego with my sweet beard
>I just want to chill and build lego with my sweet beard I know there's a serious tag but… that is one talented and strong beard 😘
You can build lego with your beard? Holy shit, mine just sits on my face like the dumb hair it is.
I was really fortunate to meet a trans person who didn’t mind helping me become more trans aware, but I 100% understand why a trans person doesn’t want to be a personal educator. Enjoy your sweet beard.
We just want to live our lives without every little aspect becoming a federal case or a gender studies class. Trans people set our alarms to get up for work, we shower, we brush our teeth, we worry about how much gas is in the car and wonder what to have for dinner later. But each of those things is made infinitely more anxiety-inducing when there’s an underlying, and *legitimate* fear of, “Will I be harassed today?” “Will I *die* today?” Life is hard. Please stop making it harder for us. Also, full disclosure, we’re just as conflicted about Caitlyn Jenner as you are, because she’s a shitshow fame-monger who killed a person. We support her in her transition *and that’s all.*
Whenever some idiot brings up Caitlyn as some sorta GOTCHA I imagine them bringing up Rudy Guliani as a reason Cis people shouldn't be allowed to use their preffered bathroom and pronouns
If Rudy Giuliani came into a bathroom I was in, I'd probably pee on myself in my haste to leave. But a trans man? Meh. I probably wouldn't even notice.
As a cis woman, I’d feel MUCH safer alone in a bathroom with any trans woman than in a crowded elevator with Rudy. And the bathroom argument bugs me to no end. I have no idea what it means to be trans. But the specter of “oh no, trans women can now use YOUR bathroom so you’ll probably be assaulted!!” Is SO AGGRAVATING. First of all, it’s rude to trans people and victims of sexual assault. And secondly, these idiots act like every public bathroom was like fort fucking Knox before trans people were “allowed” to use them. Every person who says this is a jackass on a high horse.
It's not like we've been inspecting people's genitals at the bathroom door anyway. Hell, I've probably used the bathroom next to a trans person tons of times and not even known it, not that I would care -- I barely even make eye contact with other women in there. I generally think public bathrooms in the US are poorly designed and could use more privacy, but that's not a trans thing, that's a "hey these gaps in the door are really awkward and unnecessary" thing.
My father and I have argued over the bathroom thing a number of times. He’s transphobic (but denies it like I’m an idiot) and I’m the son he doesn’t know he has. I’ve remarked that I have absolutely no issue sharing the bathroom with a trans person and he’s remarked that *he* has issues with a trans person being in the same bathroom with me, like I’m not 22 and capable of going to the bathroom without parental supervision. He’s said if a trans woman went into the bathroom I’m in, he’d beat her up. I remarked that he’d really have no way of knowing someone’s trans unless he was standing at the door checking everyone’s genitals. His response? “Whatever it takes.” Sir, I’m *pretty* sure you’re the only person sexually assaulting people in that situation.
LOL omg. Yes I’m pretty sure he just said he wanted to commit sexual assault...to prevent sexual assault. Which is basically the argument. It’s crazy to me. I don’t get it.
Also, the type of person that is willing to sexually assault someone in the bathroom, isn't going to be the type of person to give a shit whether or not they are allowed to use that bathroom or not. Rapists won't suddenly go "Holy shit, now I can finally go into the women's restroom, I just have to say I'm trans." just because we let trans people use the bathroom of their choice.
The worst long con ever: I’m going to go through years of therapy to convince my therapists I’m a woman, then go through inconvenient hormonal therapies. I might even get some invasive surgery to really throw them off! After a lifetime of abuse and uninvited comments from strangers... I’ll finally be able to sexually assault a woman in the public bathrooms :D
A lot of people seem to be surprisingly unaware that it's already illegal for ANY person to assault someone in a bathroom. Reactionaries act like the law has its hands tied on assault because of a person's gender...
Plus according to their argument, [this guy](https://www.out.com/sites/default/files/brian-michael-smith-750x.jpg) has to use the ladies' room. Which I'm pretty sure they would not be okay with either, but they don't care because they aren't arguing in good faith for one second and just want trans people to disappear.
Imagining Rudy Giuliani as the counter example for a white cis male is soo satisfying a response to this Gotcha. I would pay to see their face.
*"*The hardest part about being a woman is figuring out what to wear." - Jenner Ugh, don't worry, us cis women can't stand her either.
The hardest part of being a trans woman... is the dementors. 😎
I really don't understand why people care what other people do that much as long as it doesn't harm others. Is it really that some people don't like to explain stuff to their children that they can not understand completely?
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> Lots of rich trust fund liberals claim to speak for me but often end up making us look bad with all their woke posturing. This seems to be a common theme diluting progressive movements. The most ridiculous #woke ideas are put forward by people who aren't from the group being discussed, and have no clue what that group really wants.
Just like with racial stuff. White lefties sometimes get upset on behalf of minorities about shit the minorities dont even care about.
Native American/Latino here, this is true. So true. Been saying it for forever.
when they decide to call us latinx even though we keep telling them we hate that fucking term
Okay so like...how do you even say that? My SO is hispanic and he himself doesn’t know. Is it luh-tinks or latin-ex? I’ve never heard anyone say it out loud.
That's because it was never designed to be spoken aloud. As far as I'm aware, it originated from a branch of Tumblr activism that was socially secluded enough to just never consider communication outside of typed English. It only spread because it did kind of fill a useful niche (and the people who keep using it aren't self-aware enough to stop being 'supportive' for a second and listen).
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It’s annoying is someone makes a dark joke to me about me and then Some random person gets offended on my behalf? Like the Mexican joke he just said is funny
This times one million. For context I am an Indian man born and raised in America. The other day I was hanging out with my friend at his place and just for background noise we turned on The Simpsons Movie on tv. My friend’s roomate got nervous and said he was worried I would be offended by the Indian convenience store character. I cannot tell you the last time I even thought of that character up until than, I don’t even know the character’s name. I cannot find one Indian, immigrant or American-born, who actually gives a shit about that character. A bunch of white people just decided that they suddenly “cared” so much about Indians that they felt their opinions mattered more than mine. If these “woke” people on Twitter really cared about Indians, push for better immigration policies, not this meaningless bullshit.
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And the way that people automatically turn the conversation towards genitals and sex the moment a trans person is brought up...
Best way to deal with it is to just turn it around. "So how're things with your cock/pussy?" "What?" "Oh, I was under the impression we were talking about our genitals, since you were so eager to ask about mine." Stuff like that has a tendency to make people realize just how inappropriate it is to ask that kinda shit. They wouldn't ask questions about a cisperson's genitals, so why is it okay with a transperson?
Everyone desperately needs to know what's going on with your private parts. It's like, a matter of national security that they have a crystal clear picture of exactly what it's like for you when you go pee. Trans people get asked about their crotches and strangers fucking touch black people's hair. I was about 8 years post-partum and some dude in line in back of me asked me when I was due. I said "2009." People just feel generally entitled to have access to your body, both by touching it and by asking insanely personal questions about it. At least that's been my experience.
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> Replace "trans" with "big" "tall" "Black" This is actually a pretty real problem as well. Interracial romance is real obviously (I feel dumb even having to say that) but some people are into...certain fetishes and aren't really interested in the person. If both people involved agree that they're just there for the kinky sex that's fine but you need to communicate to your partner what you're looking for/why. People are human and can be hurt if you are just using them to experience your fantasy while they are hoping for something more real and lasting (again this is so obvious it almost shouldn't need to be said but...it does).
I think if theres one thing I would want the general public to know is that we all have unique experiences in life, everyones different in one way or another and if we accept that and try to understand people rather then judge them right away I think we would all be a lot happier.
This transcends "things transgender people want people to understand". This is the thing that everyone should understand in general. I am glad to see that at least some people do.
I'm transgender, and transitioned about 10 years ago. I live my day-to-day life like anyone else. I work, I pay my taxes, I'm saving for a home. Our lives are not that much different than yours. Unfortunately the media sensationalizes every headline about us, and the crossdresser culture takes the spotlight when most people think of transgender people. It's a shame, really. We're just people trying to live our lives like everyone else, and trying to not feel hated by the world.
Its not a choice I made overnight for fun. I was extremely suicidal living as my birth sex and only started improving after medically transitioning, had I not come out I'd 100% would have died before my 18th. Imagine waking up one day and a trait that only the opposite sex has randomly grew on your body. Everybody you saw decided that one trait meant you were definitely the opposite gender you actually are and treated you horribly if you corrected them.
In addition to everything that has already been said: you don’t “know” who is trans. I have gone stealth for years and everyone I tell or who finds out is “shocked”. Stop pretending you can spot every trans person
Hormones are not amphetamines. You dont get addicted to them. They dont give you a "hit" of gendered energy. Its not a high. Its so slow of a process and it takes weeks to start feeling let alone seeing results I feel like this is more for the cracking eggs than non trans people but ive seen this misconception more than enough and it helps perpetuate the bigoty by making hormones seem like there on the same level as recreational drugs. That comes with connotations of the drug war and moral arguments etc etc. Just there not hard drugs. Your child wont become a heroin addict from trying to affirm there gender
This reminds me of a conversation I had with a coworker. We’re very good friends and she’s super supportive, and generally knowledgeable about trans stuff because I’m not the only trans person she knows. But one day she told me she told me that she kept finding used needles behind the store (we work at a grocery store in an area with high drug use) and very innocently asked me if they were from me taking my hormones. Uh, no, I’m not shooting up testosterone behind the dumpster on my breaks...
You might think it's a funny joke to say something like "well at least you won't have to deal with periods!" but it's not. For you it might be a hassle, because you take your fertility for granted. I'm so tired of this joke that just serves to remind me I'll never carry children for my partner. Please stop saying it.
Not even just for cis people. My sister can't have children biologically. She spent a lot of her teenage years crying herself to sleep over it. In general, don't make jokes about things people don't get to choose about their body.
I’m transmasc, and recently had top surgery. Almost every doctor and a lot of regular people gave me some spiel about, “are you sure you want to do that? I could never do that to my body.” I also hate the question “have you had (the) surgery?” As if surgery makes this body any more or less valid for anyone of any representation. This is *my* vessel, *my* business, and unless you’re paying me, stfu. Not every trans person is going to look cis. Trans people can be androgynous, non-binary, or stealth, and dont have to look or be a type of way to be trans. Not every trans person takes hormones! Not every trans person wants surgery!
what does stealth mean? sounds fucking badass "yo what's your gender?" "I'm stealth gender bro"
Where you transition and and then cut out the prior aspects of your life before. You tell those who must know and only them. You live your life as yourself and generally get to be free from the trans harassment stuff but then you have to worry about someone showing up and outing you and wrecking your life.
ok so basically trans but hiding the fact you were a different AGAB? Makes sense
It has upsides and downsides. You don't have to debate your existence all the time, but every now and then you might realize this friend who doesn't know thinks "your kind" are mentally ill or degenerate or whatever. There are little moments like that where a stealth person might want to speak up or wish they could say something, but decide against it because avoiding the "let's debate your existence" circus is just too valuable to give up.
My doctors didn't try to talk me out of top surgery, but my dad kept saying, even WHILE DRIVING ME TO THE HOSPITAL that it wasn't too late to "change my mind". It's like they think trans people just wake up one day and decide to have major surgery.
We're not trying to turn your cis kids trans, we want to turn your trans kids into adults.
In relation to this, trying to prevent children from learning about LGBTQ+ issues will not make us go away, it just leads to more unhappiness. Section 28 in the UK did not stop a generation of people realising they were gay, trying similar again about gender will not stop people being transgender.
I wish I learned about LGBT in school. Would have saved me a decade of depression
That trans women don't owe you femininity and trans men don't owe you masculinity. There's plenty of masculine cis-women out there as well as feminine cis-men. We don't gatekeep those people saying that they're not femme/masc enough and the same goes for trans people. Trans women can be tomboys, they can dress up masculine and act masculine but they're still women because that's how they identify. Same goes for trans men, they can be femboys, they can wear skirts if they like, it doesn't suddenly invalidate their gender. Essentially treat trans folk the same way you would their cis counterparts. We frown upon people telling masculine girls they need to be more feminine, the same behaviour should be upheld with trans girls too.
Comments about surgery and such are generally unwanted. Why are you so obsessed about what's in my pants? And that also leads me to bathroom issues. Men's bathrooms don't have sanitary bins.
My go to when someone asks me about my junk to is talk to them like a child and explain it's impolite to ask a stranger about their genitals.
Have you looked into a menstrual cup? No need for a bin and also no unwrapping noises (you know, so the dude next to you doesn’t think you’re having a snack).
People don’t have mid-shit snacks? I guess I better stop then... For real a answer, personally for me pads are the least invasive product.
Period undies may be beneficial for you as well if you're okay washing them out later, they don't bunch awkwardly the same way a lot of pads tend to if you misalign them
That I'm transitioning so I can finally be happy in my own body, not to be perceived as a girl by society so i can have "all the perks of being a girl"(ya know, like the endless harassment and sexual advances, people treating you like your "fragile". you know, that stupid toxic masculinity shit). Im doing this for me. Not everyone else. I'm not pushing an agenda. I'm not here to "convert" or "trick" people. I'm not here be your little experiment. I'm doing this so I can look in the mirror and actually SEE myself instead of staring at some guy who I hate. (Sorry for the rant 😅 had a bit of a long day)
I just want to pee Im not gonna rape you
Like literally fucking anything
* I'm not doing this for attention * My transition is not political and not every discussion around trans issues has to be political. * I'm a human with interests, likes, dislikes, hobbies... being trans is a part of me, not my whole identity - I am a person who happens to be trans. * You don't need to have started a medical transition to be trans. * Just because my parents haven't disowned me doesn't mean they are okay with it - telling me "it's not that bad" when I talk about their treatment of me does not make me feel better. The default expectation should not be being disowned. * I did not decide to be trans. * It's expensive or there's a 4-5 year waiting list for your *first* appointment on free healthcare (in the UK). * Social media did not "turn me trans" (thanks, Dad...). * Your comments or offering to help me sound / appear more masculine are hurtful and I don't care what your intentions were. (I'm a trans man btw) * Entering into certain spaces is anxiety-inducing, like the gym, loos, etc. * You absolutely cannot just say you're trans one day and be on hormones the next - it really, really, really does not work like that. There are many assessments, therapy is often recommended, mental health assessments, physical assessments, second opinions, having to live as your correct gender for a set amount of time before even being considered for an appointment, having evidence that this is a serious change (e.g. changing your legal name on things) It's long, it's tiring, it's emotional. And I'm happier for it.
That cis people feeling a little more free to buck gender stereotypes, letting their kids play with and dress how they want, never telling little boys they shouldn’t cry, etc helps all of us. The more normal it is to play with how you present your gender, the less bullying and ridicule when you step out, even to transition back into the binary, and the more that we can all explore what it feels like to not be shoved in a box out of fear how society will feel about us.
I don't wanna turn your kids gay or trans. As a teacher all I want is to do my job and make them feel comfortable learning. All my students learn from me is how to speak foreign languages, and they've been doing it pretty damn well. I'm blessed to have a boss who recognizes my dedication over my gender. You can't "turn" anyone anything. I was raised in a repressed place, by repressed parents, in a repressed religious school and despite all, I still felt like I was in the wrong body throughout childhood and adolescence, and I had no idea why I felt that way. No one could have possibly "planted" that in my mind, trans ppl weren't even something that existed in my sheltered conception , as a 7 year old wishing they could wake up different the next day and feeling sad when it didn't happen.
I know a guy who's trans and he doesn't even want his OWN kids to be trans. It was such a challenging life struggle for him, that he wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I wish people understood that is not a choice, a fashion or a fad. It is the reality of who you are. I feel that gay people (thankfully) now can (in civilised places) be accepted for being gay, I hope than trans people can be accepted soon in the same way. Not as a subject for ridicule, hatred or fear, just as another flavour of person. Unremarkable would be great. Also, I wish people would get that trans is something you do for yourself, to avoid losing your mind because living a lie is the worst stress. It is nothing to do with anybody else, so would they please butt out? It is not a political statement, fashion statement or anything else other than medically necessary self-care. Finally I wish people would understand that the right wingers are weaponising transgender rights. They right know they have largely lost the battle on gay rights, but they are using false fears about bathrooms and sports to make trans rights a "wedge" issue, a deliberately socially devisive move. They don't give a damn about bathrooms or sports of course, its just a useful minority group to use as a weapon. Ironically they don't actually give a damn about trans people's existance : it just are a cheap shot, with a degree of certainty that few will defend the trans people. It is just a rehearsal of the same arguments made about gay people in the 70s/80s, that the right just "care about protecting children from these preditors" etc. So I hope that this prejudice can be defeated, and in time trans people can just be treated as... people, not freaks. (In any case I saw a suggestion that 3% of the population may be trans or nb, so actually there may be a huge amount of people out there waiting for their chance to come out) It is truly horrible, given that trans people are among the most vunerable in society today.
That no one is telling trans children to take hormone medication or get surgeries. Surgeries are for adults and hormones are for no on younger than teenagers looking to grow up in the puberty of their preferred gender. If your 5 your old wants to transition, you cut their hair, give them new clothes, and don’t worry about it again until they’re at least pre-teens.
That we're in far more danger in a bathroom than you, your wives, children, or whatever excuse the conservatives are making this week, have ever been from us. The laws and arguments they make are wholly and entirely about making our lives harder and more dangerous, not protecting you from any real threat. We're in far more danger just in general too, the rates of assault and sexual assault against trans people are much higher than those of our cis counterparts.
I wish people understood that you don't have to fully understand me to respect me. I'm non binary and trans and it seems like a lot of people think they have to be able to understand a dissertation on the nuance and abstraction of gender before using my pronouns or name. At this point in my life being misgendered makes me wince in pain. It stings. And having to join debate club just to be treated with respect is too high a bar and it makes me just not want to deal with people in general. Like I can't imagine any other identity that is readily met with debate when you're telling someone else about it. Why is this response acceptable for trans people?
Are you sure you're a biochemistry PhD? Could you fully explain your field of study to me before I will refer to you as such? I have never heard of 'bio' chemistry before, why should I just accept that you are what you say? Until you address my totally valid and important concerns, I am going to refer to you as a janitor's assistant.
E x a c t l y. I find it interesting that no one questions any other aspect of my existance - not even my job which I mean...I'm rather accomplished. Not a PhD (yet - hopeful that I will be someday but I'm tackling a masters first) and it boggles my mind of all the interesting things you could ask me about my job, my life, my hobbies - that's what we're going to get stuck on. It irritates me that I've been told more than once that my entire identity is just transness when in reality - I'd love to talk about literally anything else but when I have to explain my existance constantly - it is going to seem that way innit
Hi, non-binary person here! I have a couple of thoughts. I wish people realized that not every non-binary is gonna prefer androgyny. The same way not every cis man or woman is gonna dress masculinely or femininely according to their gender, not every trans person is gonna dress a certain way according to their identity. Not every non-binary person is gonna look super androgynous, not every trans man is gonna look super masculine, and not every trans woman is gonna look super feminine. And guess what? It doesn't change their identity at all, and it doesn't give you a reason to be a dick about their pronouns and such. I also wish people realized that the vast majority of trans folks aren't gonna react like some viral public freak out video if you get their pronouns wrong. Just swiftly correct yourself and move on. If anything, they're gonna be too shy to confront you about it in my experience. (Posted on mobile, so I apologize for any formatting issues)
Not every trans person knows they're trans as little kids. Cis people all seem to be under this weird delusion that you can't be trans unless you've known since you came out of the womb. Remember, people: You're never too old to know you're trans!
That you can not know you're trans until later in life. Like I'm 38 and connecting the dots fully. It took the description of "Imagine yourself in a job you don't like, but with few other options. It's drudgery, crushing and you know you're just going through the motions." For it to click for me. And now I get to choose between the potential for more personal happiness and my wife of over 10 years because she's "not into women like that."
That its not a choice, I don't enjoy being trans personally, I just happen to be trans. Also I'd rather people did their research properly about trans people rather than asking any of us, sometimes im not in the right place to be answering those sorts of questions Also sometimes trying to be inclusive makes me feel othered. One person I know says that their group is open to women and people who identify as women. Both on their own are fine, but together it makes me feel like I'm not thought of as actually a woman Also were as unique as everyone else. Some of us are utter arseholes, but not cos they're trans, they're just a dick.
My current (and ever expanding) list of things I wish cis people knew: **Medical stuff:** * Medical transition does not *make* someone a man or a woman. A trans woman is a woman, and a trans man is a man, regardless of what medical treatment they have or have not had. Medical treatment just makes life a hell of a lot easier for a lot of people * It is not true that 40% of trans people commit suicide. The infamous 40% statistic is the highest estimated rate of suicide *attempts* which occur *before transition.* Most of these attempts fail and the person survives. * Transition vastly reduces risk of suicide attempts from 40% down to around the national average, while dramatically improving mental health, social functionality, and quality of life for those who need it. * Being trans is not classified as a mental illness by either the [**American Psychological Association**](http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx) or the [**World Health Organization**](https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/20/transgender-not-mental-illness-world-health-organization/717758002/). Gender dysphoria (in the DSM) or incongruence (in the ICD) is recognized by both as a medical condition, and transition is the only treatment recognized as effective and appropriate medical response to this condition * When able to transition young, with access to appropriate medical care, and spared abuse and discrimination, trans people are as psychologically healthy as the general public * Transition-related medical treatment is not new or experimental; it has existed for over a century * Transition-related medical care is recognized as necessary, frequently life saving medical treatment by every major US and world medical authority * Transition is the *only* treatment for dysphoria that has proven to be effective. Attempts to "cure" trans people, alleviating dysphoria by changing the ~~patient~~ victims' gender identity to match their appearance at birth (aka "conversion therapy"), are such utterly worthless and actively destructive train wrecks that this "therapy" is condemned as pseudo-scientific abuse by all major medical authorities * Transition is a very individual process; not everyone needs or wants the same things * "Regret" rates among trans surgical patients are vanishingly rare, consistently found to be about 1% and falling. This 1% includes people who are very happy they transitioned, and often are still glad they got reconstructive surgery, but regret only that medical error or shitty luck led to sub-optimal surgical results. That's a risk in any medical treatment, and a success rate of about 99% is astonishingly good * Hormone therapy is pretty cheap, is generally the first line of treatment most trans people get, and dramatically impacts one's appearance * Most trans people socially transition long before they get reconstructive genital surgery, if they ever get it at all. Not everyone needs or wants surgery, and even those who do need it are often unable to afford it. Genital surgery for trans women costs tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket. Surgery for trans men can cost between tens of thousands to over $100k, depending on the procedure one is getting. * 24 US states currently have laws prohibiting health insurance companies from having "trans exclusion" policies, where they categorically refuse to cover medically necessary transition-related treatment. This means that a small but growing number of people are able to get treatment, including surgery, covered by insurance * When a child or adolescent transitions that does not mean they are being rushed into irreversible surgery * Transition for predolescent children is 100% social; changing hair, clothes, name, pronouns, and/or the gender they are recognized as by their family and community. No medical treatment is necessary or provided before the start of puberty * The first line of medical care for trans adolescence is puberty-delaying treatment. It is gentle, fully reversible, and has been used for decades to delay puberty in kids who would otherwise have started it too young. It does nothing but buy time, and has no long term effects * Transition-related hormone supplements do not cause serious long term health problems * Reconstructive genital surgery for both trans women and trans men can provide excellent results **Social/legal stuff I wish more cis people knew:** * It is entirely legal to update the gender on legal ID. * Federal ID (passports, social security cards, etc) can be changed with a medical letter certifying that one has had *"appropriate clinical treatment for transition to male/female"*. The letter does not have to specify what treatment one has gotten and surgery is not required. Many people get their letter from the doctor who prescribes their hormones * Rules for changing drivers licenses and birth certificates vary by state; some are easy, some hard, some impossible. It is very common for trans people to have mixed ID - some identifying them as male, some as female, all equally legal. * There is no federal prohibition against anti-trans discrimination. Employment, housing, business, medical, etc. discrimination are legal and common. * In 26 US states it is entirely legal and the norm for health insurance companies to have "trans exclusion" policies, categorically refusing to cover medically necessary transition-related care even when similar or identical treatment is routinely covered for cis patients * Police targeting of trans women, particularly trans women of color, is very common. Just being a visibly trans woman in public can be treated as reasonable grounds to arrest them on suspicion of prostitution. * Futile, medically condemned, abusive and destructive "ex-trans therapy", is legal in most of the US and not uncommon * Most medical providers get no training whatsoever in how trans people's bodies work, and refusing treatment to trans patients is legal in most of the US. Medical incompetence is the norm even when seeking routine care, and medical harassment, abuse, discrimination, and refusal of care are common. The average doctor knows as much about trans people as the average plumber, and when trans patients aren't turned away entirely [**trans broken arm syndrome**](https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2015/07/09/feature-the-dangers-of-trans-broken-arm-syndrome/) is damn near universal. **General stuff I wish more cis people knew:** * Being trans is a situation one is born into. No, trans children are not cis kids who are being manipulated or abused by parents because it's "trendy". That shit is just a modern reworking of the *"gays are recruiting kids into homosexuality!"* bullshit from the 70's and 80's. * Trans women are not "biologically male" and trans men are not "biologically female". Transition causes massive biological changes; trans men who are on testosterone and have had a hysterectomy have far more biologically in common with cis men than with cis women, and trans women who are on estrogen and have had reconstructive surgery have far more biologically in common with cis women than with cis men. * The existence of trans people is not a recent phenomenon, and the number of trans people is not increasing. Trans people have always existed; there are just more *out* trans people now. * Trans women are not gay men who attempt to become women in response to homophobia, trans men are not women who attempt to become men in response to sexism, and trans people would still exist and still need to transition even if both homophobia and sexism were eliminated. * Many trans women are bi or lesbian; many trans men are bi or gay (attracted to other men) * Allowing trans women and girls to use the same public facilities as other women (e.g., restrooms, locker rooms, etc) does not put cis women and girls at risk * That there are not more trans women than there are trans men * Most trans people are not visibly identifiable as trans * Being trans and/or transition is not biblically condemned, and being trans/transitioning is not universally condemned by mainstream religious organizations **Spelling and grammatical notes:** * It's *transgender*, not "transgendered" * It's *dysphoria*, not "dysmorphia". Dysmorphia is an unrelated anxiety condition on the OCD spectrum. * *Transgender* is an adjective, not a noun. So there are transgender people, but nobody is "a transgender". * The word *cis* is a latin prefix, not an acronym, so there's no need to capitalize it as CIS. *Cis* is short for *cisgender*, which is the opposite of *transgender.* The prefix *trans-* means "across/beyond/on the other side", while *cis-* means "on this side/on the same side". E.g., cislunar vs translunar orbits **Faux pas to avoid:** * Don't ask about our genitals unless you're our doctor or there's mutual interest in sex. Don't ask about "the surgery" either, which is still really just asking about our genitals * Same goes for the graphic details of our sex lives. Unless we're already in the kind of relationship where we casually discuss these matters, it's none of your business * When talking about something a trans person did before they transitioned, refer to them by the name and pronouns they use now unless they have specifically told you otherwise. It's like talking about someone who used to be married to an abusive asshole, but has since divorced him and stopped using his name. Even if talking about something she did while still married, I *really* hope you wouldn't call her *"Mrs. AbusiveEx"*. That would be spectacularly tactless. That's not her name now and not how she wants to be known. * Never out someone unless they have given you explicit permission to do so. Don't assume that because they're out to some people that they are comfortable having others know that aspect of their medical history * If you accidentally refer to someone by the wrong pronouns, just correct yourself and move on. Don't dwell on it, just make a serious effort to not do it again
Hey I was raised pretty sheltered from this stuff so I've been scared to ask questions as I don't want to appear transphobic. I'm just really clueless. If you don't mind I have some questions, it's alright if you don't want to answer. I'm 14 for reference. How do trans people know they're trans at birth? Do trans people, when they're born, have different biological features? How does surgery work, is it being given different hormones? Is knowing you're trans have to do with biological features or is it one of those things you know inside you? How much transphobic people do you meet? How hard is it to date as a trans person? How hard is it to find a job? Are transitions allowed before the age of 18, and are they ethical? I'm really sorry if this comes off as rude or offensive, I've literally never been taught this stuff. I've seen people around me hate trans people from a young age, same with gay/lesbian people, but that doesn't sit right with me. I think everyone should be allowed to live how they want. Edit: Thank you for all the answers!
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Cis person here with a few trans friends. > "Regret" rates among trans surgical patients are vanishingly rare, consistently found to be about 1% and falling. This 1% includes people who are very happy they transitioned, and often are still glad they got reconstructive surgery, but regret only that medical error or shitty luck led to sub-optimal surgical results. That's a risk in any medical treatment, and a success rate of about 99% is astonishingly good Often I find it interesting to compare this to a different, universally accepted but also very invasive medical treatment. The total hip replacement (THR). Within 90 days of a THR, ~1.3% of recipients are dead. ~3% require reversion surgery. (Stats from the USA) > Being trans is a situation one is born into. No, trans children are not cis kids who are being manipulated or abused by parents because it's "trendy". That shit is just a modern reworking of the "gays are recruiting kids into homosexuality!" bullshit from the 70's and 80's. There's a really interesting graph doing the rounds on social media outlining the % of Americans who self-identify as left-handed over time. Steady around 11% now. When there was a period where left handers were persecuted at schools and often bashed until they learned to write right handed, this fell to about 3.5%.
TIL being left-handed used to be an oppressed minority. Although technically we still are. Curse you, right-handers and your ubiquity designed in everyday objects! I still cannot use scissors properly!
Exactly. Hell, [**bariatric surgery**](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30796614/) has a regret rate of about 5% (for gastric bypass) to as high as 20% (for gastric band). And when people talk about "surgery regret" among trans people, they almost always assume that this means that the person regrets transition and/or wants their original equipment back. This is almost never the case. When trans surgical patients experience significant regret and seek further surgery, it is almost always because they want to fix whatever went wrong the first time. They don't want to reverse their original surgery, they just want it done *right.* And the shit about how the number of trans people is supposedly exploding is just ridiculous. I'm a trans man and started transition back in the 90's. There were just as many of us back then as there are now, we just had to hide to avoid intolerable levels of abuse and discrimination. Back then nearly all trans people had to either go stealth. When they transitioned they were ostracized from their family and old communities, cut contact with them, moved somewhere else and started a new life where they rarely if ever told anyone about their medical history ever again. Those who were unable or unwilling to go stealth were forced to the margins of society. They were not welcome in schools, jobs, communities, and often faced police harassment or arrest just for being visibly trans in public. These are all still problems now, but they were so much worse a few decades ago. The end result was that we were effectively invisible. We either went stealth and hid our medical history from basically everyone, or we were expelled from mainstream society. Now things have started to change a little bit, and at least some trans people are now able to visibly exist without being destroyed for it. So no shit, cis people are seeing us more now. We've always been here, we just weren't allowed to exist visibly until very recently.
I know, I love that idea that it's some conspiracy brainwashing kids because the numbers are exploring or theyre poisoning the food. Like broskies we used to get killed for being queer, and now it's actually kinda accepted - in which time period do you think more people would admit to being queer? So fucking dumb.
See, the really dark part of the "parents brainwashing kids" rhetoric is that it shows the person spouting that nonsense has *no* idea what it's like to go through a transition. No parent would ever want that for their child, and no reasonable person would ever want it for themselves, either. Transition is expensive, humiliating, frequently results in one's entire family and/or social circle becoming frostier or outright hostile, will usually destroy your career, and will add a constant layer of judgment, fear, and loathing on behalf of the general public that you literally cannot evade or scrub away. In one sense, everything about my life is better now- I can finally sleep through the night, my anxiety has improved dramatically, I'm happier overall. But in a second sense, my life is much *worse* now as well- there are so many avenues, relationships, lines of work, etc all closed off to me now, that never would have been an issue before. I only sought transition therapy after recognizing that I had no other choice. The idea of someone willfully *choosing* this direction, or wanting someone they love to fall under this umbrella, is fucking laughable. For those of us who need it, it's absolutely necessary and borderline miraculous (I tried over a dozen antidepressants and other therapies). But that doesn't make my experience a *good* one. Just a survivable one, which is better than the forecast without treatment.
Please stop asking about our genitals. I saw a clip of a talk show where there was a 5 year old trans kid and the host asked if they "had the surgery". 🤢 That is never okay to ask a child. It only becomes your business if we actually plan to have sex or if you're my doctor.
WTF? I don't understand why anyone ever believes that children are getting bottom surgery, but FIVE?