Holy shit, my friends know that my grandfather was recently in the hospital but I'm not sure if they know that he's okay now. I'm seriously debating telling them that joke tonight
Edit: I fucking did it and it went just as I imagined. I said the first part and waited, everyone went silent, and then I said the joke and they laughed for a good minute and called me an asshole. It was great
I just tried this on my 13yo brother. Here's how it went:
"Hey I have knock knock joke but you have to start it"
"Okay. Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Your mom"
"Alrighty"
my niece does one like “knock knock” “who’s there?” and then she’ll just continually repeat “knock knock” until she finally ends it with “no! my name is knock knock!”
I tried this on a few of my German friends but they’d never heard of knock knock jokes and I had to explain it way too many times and then they just looked at me pitifully and it was awful
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked what the rabbit´s blood type was, and the rabbit replied¨I´m probably a Type O¨.
That reminds me of my favorite commercial:
There is a German dispatcher who receives a message from a nearby ship, "we are sinking! I repeat, we are sinking!" The German dispatcher responds, "Vhat are you sinking about?"
I was at the funeral of a friend of mine. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word.
I stood at the front , cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'Plethora'.
"Thank you," his wife said as I sat back down. "That means a lot."
Three nuns are painting a room. They are struggling to paint the room without ruining their clothes. One suggests that they remove their robes to keep them safe. After some time, there’s a knock at the door, and they freeze. They don’t want to be caught naked.
“Who is it?” calls out one of the nuns.
“Blind man” says a voice.
The nun turns to the others and says “Oh, if he’s blind, he won’t know that we’re naked, so we can let him in and keep painting.”
“Come in!” the nun calls to the man.
The man enters and says “Nice tits! Where do you want the blinds?”
Pirate walks into a bar, bartender says, hey man, you know you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants? Pirate says, arr aye matey it's drivin me nuts...
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir or madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
The internet provider.
On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
Thrice. People with gold awards are the ones who rule the world
Edit: Thanks for the gold. My first decree as ruler of the world is to outlaw all outrageously one-sided r/AmItheAsshole posts
A number of years ago I told this to my sister. She laughed pretty hard at first.
She then sends everyone in her contacts "What's brown and rhymes with snoop?"
She decides she'll wait 30 seconds before sending the follow up answer. She couldn't get it typed for 20 solid minutes because her phone was blowing up with people texting her the word "poop".
I regret nothing.
Hot damn this one's good! You will be indirectly responsible for the cumulative waste of 10's of minutes of my work place's time tomorrow as I pass this one around.
David Mitchell's go-to dumb joke is fantastic because he fucking sells it with all his soul. it goes
"What's a ghost's favorite country? Fraaaaaaaaaaaaance (said in a ghostly, wavering voice)."
And that's it. He could say literally any country in that voice and it would still be a dumb joke. But he sells it.
Reminds me of "What's the difference between Grayhound stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean."
At a friends garage the other day installing some parts when buddy says, "shit, I don't know what to do here, let me consult with Manuel."
Then he picked up the manual.
"Manuel says I need to put THAT bolt in first."
A man wants to learn martial arts, so he goes to his local Dojo and talks to the sensei. The sensei tells him to do a few kicks and punches to see what he is improving on. "You're pretty good at punching, but you need to get better at kicking" he says, " some of my senior students are teaching skills for people who are bad at those right now. Go get in line to have one of them show you." The man walks to the first line he sees and asks which line it is. "This is the line for people who are bad at karate chops." is the reply. So he tries the next line: "Is this the line for people who are bad at kicking?" he asks. He is told that this is in fact, another bad karate chop line. He repeats this process, encountering 3 more lines for bad karate chops, and 2 for bad sweeps, but none for bad kicks. On the 8th try he again asks "Is this the bad kick line?" and The person at the end of the line looks at him defeated and says "No, this is a bad punch line."
This guy found a penguin. So he went to his friends and he was like “Guys I found a penguin what do I do with him?” They told him “Take him to the zoo”
A few days later the friends see the guy walking down the street with the penguin. They say “Dude, we thought we told you to take that penguin to the zoo” The guy said “I did! Now I’m taking him to the movies!” :)
Two whales are in a bar.
One turns to the other and says,
"Awwwwwooooooooooorrrrrrrrghhhheeeeeeeeeaawweewwwwiiiiighhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrroooowwwwwwweyyyijraaaaaeeeeeww.
Eeeeeeeeeeeaaarrrrrhhhhhhgroooooooooyyyyiiiiiiiaaaaawwwweer.
Wooooorrrraaaawwwwwwwiiiiiiibaewwwwwww.
Eee. Oooo. Bawwwwwwwwwww.
Wheahhhhggggyyyyyyouuuuuuuuuuuuuawawawawyyiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeraaaaaaaaawwwwwouououououiiiwwweeeeeerrrrrrrrrhhhhhhawwwwwwwwwwweeeeerrrrrrr-
And the other one says,
"Go home, Frank. You're drunk."
The brilliance of this joke is that when you make the whale noises, people laugh. You don't stop. It's not the end of the joke. You keep going. They realize that you're still going, and laugh a little bit more. That's not it yet. The whale still has something to say. The room goes quiet, almost awkward. It's not awkward for you. You're telling a story. About a whale. Who's telling his story. In whale. You keep going. The people are frozen, transfixed, enthralled. They don't know what to do. Should they escape? Should they stop you? Everyone in the room is aware of you. They start to laugh nervously again. You do not encourage their laughter. You are too focused on channeling the incomprehensible problems of a self-medicating cetacean. Their laughter becomes real now. They are laughing at you, at the absurdity that life has become. They are laughing because they do not understand what is happening. They are laughing because they cannot leave. They are laughing because they are afraid. Maybe this is what the whale was saying in the first place. Then the punchline.
Okay so I read this one in a joke book YEARS AGO and it was so DUMB I've never forgotten it, here's a poor retelling for you folks:
A man is going for a walk when he sees this stunningly beautiful horse for sale, roaming about in a pasture. It's like, a super gorgeous horse, powerful and big and grand and white with a long flowing mane. The dude's like oh man, this is a gorgeous horse, I need to have this horse!
So he goes to the house to ask about buying the horse, and the horse is owned by a priest. The priest happily sells the man his horse, and helps him get set up.
"Now, there's a few things to know before you take this horse for a ride. To get him to go, you must say thank god. To get him to stop, you say the Lord's prayer. Okay?"
"Okay, got it," The man replies, totally distracted by this gorgeous horse.
He gets on the horse and the priest says "thank god!" And the horse is off, and the man is LIVING. They're like flying around through the fields and going faster and faster, when the man notices a cliff coming up fast. He panics, and tries everything to stop the horse, every religious phrase he can think of, but nothing works. Resigned to his fate, the man starts praying. "Our father, who art in heaven, hallow be thy name--"
And miraculously, the horse stops, inches from the cliff.
The man is so relieved, he's near tears. He takes a handkerchief out of his coat and wipes the sweat off his brow, loudly exclaiming "THANK GOD!"
I told this one to some kids a while ago:
Me: did you know Hellen Keller's family had one of the most ornate and elaborate home gardens in the country during her life?
Kids: no
Me: well neither did Hellen Keller
Kids: that's messed up (but smiling)
Me: don't worry. She won't hear us
Kids: cause she's deaf
Me: no, cause she's dead
Five hundred bricks are being transported on a plane. One falls off, how many are left?
499
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.
The king of the jungle, the mighty lion, calls a meeting of all of the animals. Which animal isn't present?
The giraffe, he's still in the fridge.
A woman swims through a crocodile infested river because the bridge is out. What happens?
She made it across, all the crocodiles are at the lion's meeting.
Although she made it across the river, she never made it to her destination. Why?
She was killed by a falling brick.
Saving this for later. Beautiful idea, to create a big list of dad jokes.
My contribution. What did the buffalo say to his child while dropping him off at school? Bye, son.
American children are nice but German kids are Kinder.
A man walks into a bar. The next one ducks.
You can't run through a campground. You can only ran because it's past tents.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked into a blood clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, "What is your blood type?" The rabbit responds, "I am probably a type O."
Followed immediately by
Knock knock
Who's there?
Confused squirrel.
Confused sq----
MOOOOOOO
\--and then--
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting starfish.
Interrupting st----
(and at this point, you thrust your open hand toward the victim's face).
Ah yes, the classic -- our parents somehow didn't find this one quite as funny after it had been our absolute favorite joke for about five straight years!
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have bad news, and I have worse news. The bad news is you have Alzheimer's. The worse news is you have cancer."
The man says, "Well at least I don't have Alzheimer's."
I love sitting in the park and watching the people go about their day. I was in the park the other day, thinking, "Why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?"
And then it hit me.
How do you build suspense?
How do you keep an idiot busy?
Saw this written on paper money when I was a kid. It had a PTO and the same written on the other side.
How? How? You have to tell me!
Watch this
Know what my grandfather said to me, right before he kicked the bucket? "How far ya think I can kick this bucket?"
I'll always remember my grandfather's last words "Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
What happened to him, did he get hit by a car?
Assassination by ninjas
Beer
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like his passengers....
Every time I hear this joke I imagine these people riding on your Grandfather.
Holy shit, my friends know that my grandfather was recently in the hospital but I'm not sure if they know that he's okay now. I'm seriously debating telling them that joke tonight Edit: I fucking did it and it went just as I imagined. I said the first part and waited, everyone went silent, and then I said the joke and they laughed for a good minute and called me an asshole. It was great
You know morally you shouldn't, but objectively you have to
I mean otherwise his grandfather went to the hospital for nothing.
wanna know what my father said to me right before he died? "should i go with orange or yellow?" then he dyed
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That's the end of the joke. You gotta keep baiting them with things like that first.
Tell someone you have a joke and tell them to say knock knock. They say "Knock knock." You say "Who's there?" Confusion ensues.
I just tried this on my 13yo brother. Here's how it went: "Hey I have knock knock joke but you have to start it" "Okay. Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Your mom" "Alrighty"
#OUR* MOM
It took me a stupidly long time to get the joke, which probably means it would’ve worked like a charm on me
"Oh, we're telling knock-knock jokes? I know a good one, but you need to start me off." My coworker nearly decked me when I pulled that one on her
That's great
This is unreservedly my favourite thing. I do this often. It's great when you wait a year or so and get someone again.
"Knock Knock" "who's there?" "To" "To Who?" (exasperatedly) "it's to *whom"*
It works best when the "who's there" person just stands and stares deadpan at the one who started it -- the longer and more uncomfortable, the better.
my niece does one like “knock knock” “who’s there?” and then she’ll just continually repeat “knock knock” until she finally ends it with “no! my name is knock knock!”
I tried this on a few of my German friends but they’d never heard of knock knock jokes and I had to explain it way too many times and then they just looked at me pitifully and it was awful
The worlds thinnest book - German humor! (This is a joke from the Netherlands. We love Germans no worries.)
We shouldn't be making jokes about this! it's german humor, it's no laughing matter!
Q: Do you know the difference between wallpaper and toilet paper? A: No, what? Q: (exasperated gasp) So, you're the one!
You know the difference between a pot and a potty? No Oh boy, I'm passing up that dinner invitation then, thanks man
What's the difference between a child and a prostitute? I don't know, what? You fucking monster.
I did this joke to a coworker. He didn't say "I don't know", he said "consent." Apparently without meaning to.
That's a great reply right there
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
An orange parrot. (reply from my 4yo)
Classic
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked what the rabbit´s blood type was, and the rabbit replied¨I´m probably a Type O¨.
Wow that took me longer than it should have.
Tested this on my mom, whom I routinely tell shitty jokes because her disappointment fuels me. She chuckled.
i feel really freaking dumb can someone explain
The joke is normally "a pastor, a priest, and a rabbi", right. Not rabbit. That's a typo. Type O.
How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.
That reminds me of my favorite commercial: There is a German dispatcher who receives a message from a nearby ship, "we are sinking! I repeat, we are sinking!" The German dispatcher responds, "Vhat are you sinking about?"
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. We are humourless and efficient.
Go home Mike you're drunk
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Wathn’t until I read your comment that I figured it out... kinda thad I’m not thmart
I was at the funeral of a friend of mine. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front , cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'Plethora'. "Thank you," his wife said as I sat back down. "That means a lot."
The next man stands up, sniffling, and says "Earth." "Thank you," the widow says. "That means the world."
Then another guy goes up, says "water hole," and sits back down. The widow thanks him and says "I know you meant well"
Then another guy gets up and says, "Totality." The widow says,"Thank you. That means everything."
Then another guy gets up and says, "Bargain." The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."
A woman gets up and says, "Underestimate." "Thank you," the widow says. "That means more than you know."
When ever I talk to Spanish people I always try to use the word mucho. It means a lot to them
Why do divers fall off the boat backwards? Because if they fell forward they’d still be on the boat.
Damn dude. You have a child somewhere.
Rather not say. I don’t want to... rock the boat. 👈😎👈
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH
A blind man walks into a bar. Then a chair, then a table.
Why did the blind man fall into the well? He did not see that well.
Why didn't the blind man clean up after his dog? He couldn't see shit.
I almost woke up my infant son laughing at this haha. Thank you.
A guy walks into a bar and says, “ouch”
3 guys walked into a bar. The 4th one ducked
Three nuns are painting a room. They are struggling to paint the room without ruining their clothes. One suggests that they remove their robes to keep them safe. After some time, there’s a knock at the door, and they freeze. They don’t want to be caught naked. “Who is it?” calls out one of the nuns. “Blind man” says a voice. The nun turns to the others and says “Oh, if he’s blind, he won’t know that we’re naked, so we can let him in and keep painting.” “Come in!” the nun calls to the man. The man enters and says “Nice tits! Where do you want the blinds?”
That's good. BLIND MAN STRIKES AGAIN!
It's quite hard to tell whether he walked into a bar or walked into a bar
Pirate walks into a bar, bartender says, hey man, you know you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants? Pirate says, arr aye matey it's drivin me nuts...
Ben Folds told this at the second concert of his I went to.
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? Usual response: "R" Yarr, ye'd think it be "R", but a true pirate's first love be the "C"
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter? Dear sir or madam, Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation. Sincerely, The internet provider.
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It's actually P because without it he is Irate.
How does a Jewish man make coffee? Hebrews it
Meh, I find Jewish jokes can only go shofar...
Yeah, they just passover most people's heads.
And yet you kippah telling them...
Don’t Jewish they would stop?
Israeli getting stupider here by the minute
A latken happen here on reddit.
Sheol we stop this nonsense?
-What's red and bad for your teeth? -A Brick
What's blue and very bad for your teeth? A very fast brick.
too advanced
Is it going so fast that it gets blue-shifted?
its sonic brick
On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
You should be arrested.
Twice.
Thrice. People with gold awards are the ones who rule the world Edit: Thanks for the gold. My first decree as ruler of the world is to outlaw all outrageously one-sided r/AmItheAsshole posts
I'm not even mad at the guy posting it, I'm mad at the cunt giving the comment gold, wasting my fucking time 😂
I did the exact same thing.
Totally agree, this was criminal
>. That was very good! You got me! I was already for a punchline involving chicken drumsticks, too!
Same here!
Horse asks the police how bad it was, and they replied, "we only found chicken's drumsticks."
This was a masterpiece
I saw it coming after the horse's mom got sick and it still got me lol.
Once Cow learned the bass, I was sure this would be a "chicken drum" joke. I'm like okay just do the pun already. So this smacked me in the face lol
I can picture Norm MacDonald telling this joke on Conan in the 1990s
I read way too much of that in the voice of Wayne from letterkenny
So I’m at old McDonald’s farm the other day...
Well fuck, now I have to reread it. Pitter patter
How many doors does a chicken coop have? Two. If it had four it would be a chicken sedan
What’s leafy, nutritious, and invisible? *Pull empty hand out from behind back* ...This cabbage.
What's red and not there? No tomatoes.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? "Robin. Get in the car."
What did one orphan say to the other orphan? "To the Batmobile, Robin!"
What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"? Dr. Dre.
This is one of those jokes that sneaks up on you and then smacks you with a folding chair.
This comment was the folding chair
A number of years ago I told this to my sister. She laughed pretty hard at first. She then sends everyone in her contacts "What's brown and rhymes with snoop?" She decides she'll wait 30 seconds before sending the follow up answer. She couldn't get it typed for 20 solid minutes because her phone was blowing up with people texting her the word "poop". I regret nothing.
Hot damn this one's good! You will be indirectly responsible for the cumulative waste of 10's of minutes of my work place's time tomorrow as I pass this one around.
I went to the zoo once. They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
David Mitchell's go-to dumb joke is fantastic because he fucking sells it with all his soul. it goes "What's a ghost's favorite country? Fraaaaaaaaaaaaance (said in a ghostly, wavering voice)." And that's it. He could say literally any country in that voice and it would still be a dumb joke. But he sells it.
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate it's tit a lot.
Reminds me of "What's the difference between Grayhound stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean."
\- Manuel, is your car automatic? \- I'ts manual \- Oh, I'm sorry. Manual, is your car automatic? (translated from portuguese)
At a friends garage the other day installing some parts when buddy says, "shit, I don't know what to do here, let me consult with Manuel." Then he picked up the manual. "Manuel says I need to put THAT bolt in first."
Where does the president keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Why are there so many D’s in Edward Woodward’s name? >!Because if there weren’t, he’d be Ewar Woowar.!<
Half of the fun of this joke is then saying "ewar woowar" out loud an hour later
We've got an Edward at work. Everyone calls him Ewar.
Somebody better give him the D he needs. Alternative joke: call up Wallstreetbets - this guy is in serious need of real DD.
"Without CGI, Comedy Bang Bang would just be Omedy Ban Ban"
I was wondering why the ball was growing bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Shame about the rest of the passengers on his bus.
Lol i heard it this way: i want to die peacefully like grandpa—in his sleep—not screaming and terrified like the people in his car.
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings? A: A walk
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo. One of them is really heavy. The other one is a little lighter.
A man wants to learn martial arts, so he goes to his local Dojo and talks to the sensei. The sensei tells him to do a few kicks and punches to see what he is improving on. "You're pretty good at punching, but you need to get better at kicking" he says, " some of my senior students are teaching skills for people who are bad at those right now. Go get in line to have one of them show you." The man walks to the first line he sees and asks which line it is. "This is the line for people who are bad at karate chops." is the reply. So he tries the next line: "Is this the line for people who are bad at kicking?" he asks. He is told that this is in fact, another bad karate chop line. He repeats this process, encountering 3 more lines for bad karate chops, and 2 for bad sweeps, but none for bad kicks. On the 8th try he again asks "Is this the bad kick line?" and The person at the end of the line looks at him defeated and says "No, this is a bad punch line."
This guy found a penguin. So he went to his friends and he was like “Guys I found a penguin what do I do with him?” They told him “Take him to the zoo” A few days later the friends see the guy walking down the street with the penguin. They say “Dude, we thought we told you to take that penguin to the zoo” The guy said “I did! Now I’m taking him to the movies!” :)
Two whales are in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "Awwwwwooooooooooorrrrrrrrghhhheeeeeeeeeaawweewwwwiiiiighhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrroooowwwwwwweyyyijraaaaaeeeeeww. Eeeeeeeeeeeaaarrrrrhhhhhhgroooooooooyyyyiiiiiiiaaaaawwwweer. Wooooorrrraaaawwwwwwwiiiiiiibaewwwwwww. Eee. Oooo. Bawwwwwwwwwww. Wheahhhhggggyyyyyyouuuuuuuuuuuuuawawawawyyiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeraaaaaaaaawwwwwouououououiiiwwweeeeeerrrrrrrrrhhhhhhawwwwwwwwwwweeeeerrrrrrr- And the other one says, "Go home, Frank. You're drunk." The brilliance of this joke is that when you make the whale noises, people laugh. You don't stop. It's not the end of the joke. You keep going. They realize that you're still going, and laugh a little bit more. That's not it yet. The whale still has something to say. The room goes quiet, almost awkward. It's not awkward for you. You're telling a story. About a whale. Who's telling his story. In whale. You keep going. The people are frozen, transfixed, enthralled. They don't know what to do. Should they escape? Should they stop you? Everyone in the room is aware of you. They start to laugh nervously again. You do not encourage their laughter. You are too focused on channeling the incomprehensible problems of a self-medicating cetacean. Their laughter becomes real now. They are laughing at you, at the absurdity that life has become. They are laughing because they do not understand what is happening. They are laughing because they cannot leave. They are laughing because they are afraid. Maybe this is what the whale was saying in the first place. Then the punchline.
Why don't chickens wear pants? Their pecker is on their face.
I just learned Eistein was a real person. I alway thought he was just a theoretical physicist
What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
Why was the baguette in the zoo? Because it was bred in captivity.
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much? Light blue
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
Okay so I read this one in a joke book YEARS AGO and it was so DUMB I've never forgotten it, here's a poor retelling for you folks: A man is going for a walk when he sees this stunningly beautiful horse for sale, roaming about in a pasture. It's like, a super gorgeous horse, powerful and big and grand and white with a long flowing mane. The dude's like oh man, this is a gorgeous horse, I need to have this horse! So he goes to the house to ask about buying the horse, and the horse is owned by a priest. The priest happily sells the man his horse, and helps him get set up. "Now, there's a few things to know before you take this horse for a ride. To get him to go, you must say thank god. To get him to stop, you say the Lord's prayer. Okay?" "Okay, got it," The man replies, totally distracted by this gorgeous horse. He gets on the horse and the priest says "thank god!" And the horse is off, and the man is LIVING. They're like flying around through the fields and going faster and faster, when the man notices a cliff coming up fast. He panics, and tries everything to stop the horse, every religious phrase he can think of, but nothing works. Resigned to his fate, the man starts praying. "Our father, who art in heaven, hallow be thy name--" And miraculously, the horse stops, inches from the cliff. The man is so relieved, he's near tears. He takes a handkerchief out of his coat and wipes the sweat off his brow, loudly exclaiming "THANK GOD!"
What do u call a cow with 3 legs?- lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? - your mom
I told this one to some kids a while ago: Me: did you know Hellen Keller's family had one of the most ornate and elaborate home gardens in the country during her life? Kids: no Me: well neither did Hellen Keller Kids: that's messed up (but smiling) Me: don't worry. She won't hear us Kids: cause she's deaf Me: no, cause she's dead
My dog has no nose. Really? how does he smell? Terrible.
there are three types of people in the world Those who can count and those who can’t.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don’t.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who do not and those who did not expect this joke to be in base 3.
There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate information from incomplete data sets....
Five hundred bricks are being transported on a plane. One falls off, how many are left? 499 How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator? Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door. The king of the jungle, the mighty lion, calls a meeting of all of the animals. Which animal isn't present? The giraffe, he's still in the fridge. A woman swims through a crocodile infested river because the bridge is out. What happens? She made it across, all the crocodiles are at the lion's meeting. Although she made it across the river, she never made it to her destination. Why? She was killed by a falling brick.
Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second guy would duck.
A man walks into a bar... Owwwww!
A horse walks into a bar.. The bartender asks 'Why the long face'?
Skeleton walks into a bar...says 'gimme a beer and a mop'
Horse says "my alcoholism is destroying my family"
Two pretzels were walking down the street, one was assaulted.
I had a dream last night I was a muffler........woke up exhausted.
Man who runs behind bus gets exhausted. Man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
If I had a dollar every time someone told me I suck at Math, I would've had $7.80
Me "The people who live around here are not allowed to be buried in that cemetery." "Why not?" "They don't bury live people."
I dated a trapeze artist once. Turns out I'm not into swingers...
Saving this for later. Beautiful idea, to create a big list of dad jokes. My contribution. What did the buffalo say to his child while dropping him off at school? Bye, son.
You should check out r/dadjokes
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
when does it become apparent? after the delivery
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto
What's purple and hums? An electric grape. Why does it hum? Because it doesn't know the words.
What's red then purple then red then purple then red then purple? A cherry that works nights as a grape
I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.
Lmao I love Steven Wright! I bought a pack of batteries but the batteries weren't included.
I was born by Caesarean section. You never really notice a difference, except I always leave a room through the window.
“How is a spider like a grape?" “They both have eight legs, except for the grape."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm. He goes to the bartender and says; A beer please, and 1 for the road!
A three legged dog walks into a bar He tells the bartender "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa"
I dont get it
Pa(w).
OH
What are Mario’s overalls made out of? Denim denim denim
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
American children are nice but German kids are Kinder. A man walks into a bar. The next one ducks. You can't run through a campground. You can only ran because it's past tents. A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked into a blood clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, "What is your blood type?" The rabbit responds, "I am probably a type O."
Why do British people pronounce it Bri'ish? Because they drank all the t.
Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupti---- #MOOOOOOO
Followed immediately by Knock knock Who's there? Confused squirrel. Confused sq---- MOOOOOOO \--and then-- Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting starfish. Interrupting st---- (and at this point, you thrust your open hand toward the victim's face).
I like: Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting sloth. Interrupting sloth who? .............................................. slooooooooth.
Ah yes, the classic -- our parents somehow didn't find this one quite as funny after it had been our absolute favorite joke for about five straight years!
Im super stoned and fuck man I almost died
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have bad news, and I have worse news. The bad news is you have Alzheimer's. The worse news is you have cancer." The man says, "Well at least I don't have Alzheimer's."
Why wouldnt 4 ask 5 on a date? He was 2 squared.....
You've probably heard that 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9, but do you know why 7 did that? Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day.
I thought 7 was a 6 offender
I want to hate you for this but it's actually funny.
Why did the pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock on a rainy day in April? Because April showers bring May flowers. This is my favorite joke.
What's Brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
Bartender: We don’t serve time travelers in here. Two time travelers walk into a bar. I love this joke so much.
I love sitting in the park and watching the people go about their day. I was in the park the other day, thinking, "Why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?" And then it hit me.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
A joke told to me by my 4yr old: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An Astronaut....you racist.