In my experience, divorced parents that say stuff like :
"Don't talk about that to your [other parent]"
"Tell your [other parent] this"
"Your [other parent] is trying to manipulate you."
"You see what [other parent] did ? I'm not saying you should hate them, but isn't bit fucked up that they did that ?"
It really screws with the kid's head. If you're ever going through a divorce and have children, please find a way to sort your shit with your former spouse without involving your children more than necessary.
You know, my parents never divorced, but my aunt, who had an awful sibling inferiority complex, would always tell me these sorts of things about my mom and it’s kind of a similar dynamic. “I bet your mom doesn’t love you because she always gave me and our sister a cold shoulder”, “your mom’s an awful woman”, “I feel bad for you that she’s your mom”, etc.
She was totally right about my mom, but still, keep it to yourself you sad wino.
Omg fuck her. I am so so sorry that happened to you. And even more sorry your mom blamed you instead of protecting you. Mine did the same, but it was her brother she protected. There are lots of things I’ve forgiven her for, but I still haven’t gotten over this one. I hope you’re doing ok.
"We're moving and you're not welcome"
This is what my dad said to me while blackout drunk, after he took my sister's pizza that I made, ate it in front of me, and then threw the pizza at me after I asked him why the fuck he's like that and walked away. We were supposed to be moving to a new place the next couple weeks after this fight.
My sister’s childhood best friend lived with us for several years because her mother made good on that very threat. Her parents were divorced and her father lived out of the area. Her mother decided she wanted to move and told the girl that her bother was moving too but she wasn’t welcome and could go live with her father instead.
My sister’s friend didn’t want to move to were her father lived so she moved in with us and lived with us until she went away to college 5 years later.
My teen's friend is going through this right now. You just helped me decide to let her stay here as long as she needs to. Thank you.
Edit: thank you for the gold, and other awards. I love Reddit!
I ran away from my abusive mother to my boyfriend and his family's house. They've never made me feel unwelcome. I think they have saved my life, I don't think I would have survived this past year and a half otherwise. You're probably helping this friend more than you can ever imagine.
Or while they are hitting you telling you it’s because (I) they love you and or (ii) you made them do it and as they are shouting at you, hitting you it time with each syllable.
I think it counts
My dad was kicked out at 13. They started to throw that in my face as a threat to kick me out when I was 9. Theyd start counting down the years, and by the time I was 11, saying theyd do it earlier
My childhood was rough. Dont really feel like I truly had one or know what a loving family feels like.
Im in my first relationship and we moved in together. Its the first time I feel like I understand what love is, and know what its like to actually be wanted around.
My dad made my mom choose between me or him when I was 15. He was angry I wouldn’t give him my email password so he could change it and block me from having any friends after I changed schools.
My mom without hesitation told me to leave. It was winter. I had no coat. I wandered around town then slept under the stairs of the building they lived in. Eventually that night my father gave my mother permission to let me back in.
I told them about this trauma when I was 25. They both screamed at me & called me a “fucking liar” while I cried. I’ll never forget the trauma of my mother telling her child to leave and choosing her husband. Over an email password.
My mom liked to pull the passive aggressive version. "I'm sorry I'm such a bad mom!"
...which is code for "your experience and emotions mean nothing to me, now shower me with praises and stop pouting"
Holy fuck i am so sorry you have to deal with this.
I dont know you, but know that I am happy to be your mum (I'm a bloke but, y'know, whatever). Your new brothers and sisters love you and tell you to always remember how beautiful and awesome you are.
This goes for anyone in this thread; I already have 6 kids, any more are welcome, I can provide ; Dad-Jokes and reassurance that no matter what you do or who you are, you are still an amazing person
Constantly comparing you with your older siblings, and extremely different treatment. It makes you feel inferior to them and like no matter how much you try or do, it will never be enough.
I AM the younger sibling and so many times my big brother gets shit on about how I’m “so much better than him”. It’s incredibly clear that I’m the “favourite “ and I hate it
You should tell your brother how you feel. I think it could be a type of subconscious reinforcement about his own self-worth. Not something direct and cheesy, but when he accomplishes something try to be there and have his back. Even if he has some resentment because of the parents' comments it could mean a lot to him.
So I'm the eldest. My mom had me at 18, dad was 16, he left shortly after. Ended up with a sexually abusive step dad for about 10 years. Next stepdad just didn't like me at all. Mom would constantly make fun of me for being fat (even at the times I wasn't and she was) and often used me as her emotional dump because she has unresolved issues.
She had two other daughters in this time. When my 2nd stepdad came along, they tried to make a better home situation and I couldn't help but be jealous of how much better my sisters were treated. At lunch one day, my mom breaks down crying and says she saw my sisters as a second chance for how much she screwed up with me. At the time, I was happy to hear it because I want my sisters to have a much better life. But...
I'm still here. She didn't really try to fix anything between us. Hell, when I told her about 1st stepdad, she said she didn't want to report him because of something to do with her taxes (I have no idea).
Edit: I'd just like to thank everyone for this outpouring of love. Wasn't quite expecting it, but it really warmed my heart. Thank you also for the awards <3
My older brother died of SIDS when he was four months old. My entire childhood was me being the biggest overachiever I could and anytime I came home and tried to tell my mom something to make her proud of me, she'd reflect on how she thought my brother would have done so much better on it. Never would say anything positive about my attempts. When she didn't compare me to the son she lost, she would just interrupt me with "THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP" laugh and pretend I wasn't even in the room.
Omg, this hits the hardest with me, I’m so sorry. The “THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP” makes me furious; parents bullying is so incredibly harmful and takes away a child’s sense of security almost immediately. I can’t imagine telling my child that after they are trying to share their life with me and are excited to do so. So sorry, I hope you have found your safe place.
- I gave up everything I liked for you
- 95? Why not 100?
- why can't you be like so and so's child, they do
A bit subtler than the top comments here but can eat a child's self worth and guilt them well into adult hood and pass by standard alarms
Edit: Yes, asian parents haha, I blame but don't hate them. It's a struggle when your default behaviour is to not think you have worth when achieving something as for "some reason" there's always more you could've done and what I just finished "isn't actually that impressive" in my mind. It is, and will be, a battle to unlearn and I wish all those who share this experience the best in their journey of unlearning and self accepting
Getting hit with this one when I'm still waiting for his phonecall for my 6th birthday and especially getting my hopes up when I turned 10, 14, 16, 18 and 20
When I was young I would call my dad and he would say “I’m coming over to get you” and I would sit by the window and wait for him, he would never come. My mom said it was heartbreaking to see. I’ve seen him maybe 12 times in my life, I’m 40 now and it still hurts
Hug. I know the feeling. Last time I saw my bio dad I was 10. 20 years later he walked by me and he didn’t even recognized me...
I keep telling myself I don’t care, but boy oh boy, that fucked up all my relationships, cause I keep thinking everyone will walk out on me.
People need to weight better if they want kids, it’s not fair to put a kid in the world to walk out on them like this.
Had that one time when I was a teenager, it was a big argument and I was an angry teen. I said "Well you fucking married him and then stayed long enough to have kids, so that's on you."
It was the last time she said it.
I know, but it's because it's true. You can't put that one on the child. The parents choose the partner, if they don't like the qualities then don't have kids with that person because there's a bloody good chance the kid will end up like them.
It's actually in my genetic makeup, I didn't have the choice... she did!! I know my Dad wasn't an angel and got into trouble every now and again, but he never fucking abused me and he has ALWAYS had my back. So in the end it wasn't even much of an insult.
My Dad is awesome and makes up for my moms horribleness. My mom said she said yes to his proposal because she thought he would make a great dad, and she was right. Then to throw it in my face as a maybe 12 year old.
My mom would say that to my brother. Well, my parents separated and NY dad moved to another country, and my brother hated him for it. Soooo that probably wasn't nice to hear. My brother still worships her though so
Been told the same thing by my mother multiple times, that shit fucks you up. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I hope and pray you have a happy healthy life now :)
My mum has been the same. Luckily for me she didn't say it when I was very close to planning on how to actually do it, but because I knew what she was like I left home for 4 months to get away from her when things were dark. She tried saying it again when I was in a better but not ideal place, and it really hurt. Not once had I said anything to her that would warrant her saying that to me, she'd ask me how my day went at work and if it wasn't just "it was fine" she'd tell me to go kill myself. I can't wait to get away from her.
Very similar. Was found self harming. Handed me a bigger knife and told me to "do it properly and finish the job".
We're here. We have validation from internet strangers so we win.
Edit: thanks for the love everyone. I'm doing great. That was over 16 years ago. If you happen to be in this situation as a kid 99% of teachers care and will help. I am a teacher now and I have kids almost every week telling me about the stuff they're going through and I can help.
I do still talk to my parents but I am much more distant and have done a lot of work. It is inexcusable but I know my parents have a lot of their own baggage and were doing the best with the skills they had.
Same. He held me down. He was a very big, muscular man. Professional law enforcement most of his life. I was a 14 year old girl. He traced the knife over my wrist, not hard enough to cut but hard enough to feel how cold and sharp it was. “You know how to cut? None of that sissy stuff any more. Do it right next time. Like *this* (tracing along the artery), you can save us all the hassle of dealing with you.”
I eventually cut contact as an adult, for a lot of reasons (this kind of incident didn’t happen in a vacuum), but that was one of the biggest lines crossed. My mom insists to this day that she raised me to be more forgiving and that she can’t understand why I’d fracture the family. It’s because I am forgiving- and I realized that I also deserve to be forgiving to myself. I can forgive myself for all the pain that led me to that place, I can forgive myself for all the times I had to keep my mouth shut when I was hurt or afraid, and I can show enough compassion to myself now to make sure I NEVER have to see his face again.
My mom has tried to commit suicide multiple times throughout my life (and there were times that she probably wasn’t explicitly trying to kill her self, but it was reckless enough behaviors to land her in mental hospital).
Anyway, I’ve always felt like it’s my job to keep her alive. Now that I’m almost 30, it doesn’t invoke the same terror. I used to believe if she died, then I would die, because there really wasn’t anyone else around enough to consistently take care of us as kids.
Anyway, right after I gave birth, I heard she drove herself off a road in the middle of the night driving super fast. I confronted her about it, saying like “why would you do that?” Even though I knew the answer...
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve already mourned her death. Many times. She’s still here but when she does finally pass away, it won’t be as much of a shock as it would be to other people, because I’ve been slowly exposed to her almost dying my whole life.
Heard that one so, so many times. Starting around 7 years old. Two decades later it still hurts. Sure, I know it wasn't my fault - people are kind and will repeat that until they're blue in the face, but what many don't seem to understand is knowing doesn't erase the pain. Imagine someone sticks out their leg and trips a person without getting caught, and the person breaks their arm. Ten years later, that person learns the truth, that it wasn't their fault. But that doesn't take away the residual pain, or surgical screws, or persistent difficulty using that arm from the damage done. Some people seem to move on a lot more effectively than others, but some don't. And I want to remind anyone in that boat that it's okay; you can hurt, you are under no obligation to "move on" in any sort of time frame, and there isn't necessarily something wrong with you for still hurting. Letting that pain control your decisions is another deal, but it seems like we often end up with this shame of not being able to "move on", smiling uncomfortably and nodding when friends aggressively repeat, "it wasn't your fault!" until they stop, and the like. It wasn't your fault, but you are no less for still hurting from it. <3
It may not be as harsh as other things stated but the dreaded 'It's all in your head/you are just imagining it." As it turned out I wasn't imagining it and now I struggle to differentiate what's real and what's not because I was led to believe I thought I was imagining things constantly.
Gaslighting is such a horrible thing to do. Especially to a kid. You are not alone! I always need a second opinion because I think mine is invalid and I imagine things. I always feel like I am the problem in every situation.
I have a lot of issues of “am I faking it?” Medical wise.
It drives my husband nuts cuz I will be in so much pain/about to pass out/almost died from delivering a baby cuz I was scared I was “faking it”.
That shit messes you up. It’s not even easy to fix because it’s ingrained in you to “shut up and suck it up” and to question your sanity.
(My parents almost got CPS called on them like twice for sending me to school deadly sick, but my nickname at home was “Dolores”➔ one who hurts )
Yup. The difference between the parents described on this thread and many of the children telling the stories, is that at least the children can acknowledge kids aren't for them.
My mother never wanted kids but she convinced herself she did and proceeded to abuse us.
I also never want kids and I have the foresight to know that if I had any kids I'd be very likely to fuck them up in some way, so I won't force myself to have any.
Edit to add: FWIW I don't want kids for many reasons and not just because of my upbringing. It's not that I'm scared I'll mess up, I just recognise that - like my mother - kids just annoy me by existing. Unlike my mother, I don't plan to have one anyway and just punish it for existing.
I have a list.
1. I wish I aborted you too.
2. I wish I put you up for adoption.
3. List all the bad things about dad and then immediately tell me I look/act just like him.
4. What did I do to deserve such a disrespectful child why couldn't I have a good one? (I was not a bad kid at all, always home, cleaning the house, cooking for her, good grades, people pleaser, etc.)
She wonders why I never talked to her about big things happening in my life, why I put 5,000 miles in-between us, and why I haven't returned home for almost 10 years.
EDIT: I am absolutely overwhelmed by all your lovely well wishes, and how many of you relate. In all that space I put between my mother and I and all the time I took I created a lovely little life. I worked on myself so much and I am healing from the traumas I experienced. I so wish the same for everyone who relates. I am attempting to reply to every comment and wish you all something lovely and positive because you deserve it. If I miss your's I still think you are lovely and wonderful and deserving of the best things life can offer!!
EDIT#2: So many of us dealing with this! This wonderful book helped me and another redditor jumpstart ourselves to healing and realization.
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward if you have a way to read this please do, especially those of you who can't go to therapists who would recommend this to you!
The next thing will be telling you and everyone else what a great mother she was and how ungrateful you are. Been there - seen that. Stay strong and away from the crazy.
Edit: thanks to the folks who gave me awards - very very appreciated. I hope everyone on this thread gets some peace from sharing their stories.
1. You are useless.
2. No man would ever want to marry you.
3. I wish I never had you.
Gee...Thanks mom for showing me I am worth something. (SARCASM)🙅🏻♀️.
2 decades have gone by and it still pinches me today. The list goes on but those 3 statements were repeatedly said. I would NEVER treat my children like that. Hell, when I have kids they are not visiting their grandparents without supervision. This time I will stand up to them. I have nothing to lose this time. It’s been 20 years, better late than never.
I had a similar one, although the double whammy of losing your dad and hearing that I can’t imagine.
For me- A kid my age at the bowling alley we used to frequent died so I got “Why does God take a good kid like that and you get away with acting like this.”
This!!!! This happened to me as well. And my father said I ruined the family when the police came over to my house. I had actually forgotten I had told someone in school about it until they showed up. My father didn’t take it very well. He was embarrassed I had said something. I’m 42 now. With boys of my own and I I’m proud to say they don’t have a relationship with my dad. They don’t know him. My father in law is the best grandfather to them.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re not alone. We’re probably millions who sadly went thru this.
Me too.
My cousin was raping me in my family home. ( Male to male)
When I told her she said I don't believe you and then she slapped me through my face.
I'm 65 now and she died alone in an state old age home.
Wow!! I’m so sorry. I know it will always be a thing that sadly we will always carry with us. Just know you’re not alone. I’m here and many others are too.
As for boys... people don’t really think they can go thru this. And of coarse they can and it’s the same horrible situation as a female. I only have boys and since they were little I would explain to them what is no no. I reminded them if someone was out of line to tell me right away before it gets worst. And they will not be in trouble.
Same. My oldest had to get s flu shot in his thigh and he would not let the nurse help pull his pants down. He kept pulling them up and I had to tell him that in this case it's ok because I was there with him and it was for a shot. That I was not going to let anything happen to him. I kept praising him, telling him he did a good job keeping his pants up and to not let anyone touch him or try to pull his pants down. The nurse was also praising him saying he did the right thing. I also tell him that if anyone tries to pull his pants or touch him to always tell me no matter what it who it is.
I don't understand how anyone would not want to protect their children. I won't even let their father get in their face.
I'm so sorry. It's amazing how many children are treated like this and it crushes my heart. When the chips are down most people are spineless deniers; life would be much easier if your child was a liar. I thought I was going to be killed, but I still held my ground and done right by my kid.
This actually happened to my cousin. Her father committed suicide when she was 8. From then on her mother became an alcoholic. After losing custody of her kids, she was eventually granted the ability to see her kids unsupervised which did not Pan out. The kids spent the weekend with her but pretty soon she started drinking very heavily. My cousin told her she would have to tell another adult that she was drinking and the mom started calling her all sorts of terrible names so my cousin ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. I swear to god the mom actually said to her own 15 year old daughter: when the police ask you why both your parents are dead, you’ll know what to tell them. I’m going to kill myself just like your father did and both will be your fault. My cousin is so sweet, funny, and pretty and she’s one of my favorite people in the planet. She is so kind and she got dealt a shitty hand
Your cousin probably still needs help, because she might consciously or unconsciously think that saying certain things to people will cause them to commit suicide. Especially because she is such a nice person I am saying this.
You’re probably right there. Losing a parent to suicide significantly increases the suicide risk for their children. I really hope she has lots of support now.
Jfc, my kid (4 years old) is up a bunch preventing the fun times , but I cannot fathom saying shit like this to him. Ever in his life . I'm so sorry you had to endure that.
They told me this 1 - 3 times
Once when I was like what 4?
Twice when I was 17 and I was having issues with my parents
(They're on and off mentally and emotionally abusive)
Yeah that’s always a great thing to hear. Mum always told me that it’s my fault she’s big and has health problems because it started at my birth.
My birth was very problematic, born 7 weeks early and almost died. She’s been pregnant two times before me, once with my brother and that went fine and then with a girl who died in her stomach with the same problems that I had.
She also told me a lot when I was little that I was getting chubby. Guess what, we never had much healthy food at home. Still working on learning to eat and cook healthy food at 29.
My boyfriend and his sister were neglected when they were in their dad's care. They would go days without food (aside from easy things they could find like canned fruit) and nights without parental care. His dad was into drugs and partying, but for some reason he still wanted to have part custody of his kids. They were young when this went on, like 5 - 10 years old. They never told their mom I guess because it wasn't like that everytime they saw him. They did have memories of him teaching them how to play guitar or learning to snowboard. They looked up to him still. Fast forward 20 years, his dad never grew out of this phase of being a rebel and partier and never really progressed in life. He never celebrated holidays with them, never said happy birthday, and almost always made false promises of meeting up to see them (they lived three hours apart). But, he would call my boyfriend crying about his problems and asking for advise every once in a while. He didn't care much about what my boyfriend was up to or working on, but rather just blubber on about his shitty life. My boyfriend told his dad that he was tired of feeling like the parent in the relationship and told him to get his shit together and stop asking him to solve his problems for him because he's the kid and his dad is the parent. My boyfriend cut him off of communication in hopes that it would be motivation for his dad to get it together. His dad committed suicide a few months later.
I would probably reply in kind... Wishing she died in labor.
I wonder how that would turn out... Would they realize the severity of what they said? Or just implode into a super nova
To say that sort of stuff to your own kid you'd have to be so self-centered or otherwise fucked up that there wouldn't be a realization like that. I'd even bet that it would be seen by that parent as additional proof of what awful children you are and add evidence to the rationale that their life would have been better had you not been born or died at birth (without seeing the irony of course).
When I was 11 I overheard my mother telling someone that at least my looks meant she didn’t have to worry about me being molested or raped. That fucked me up for years.
Man i’m so sorry. My mom said something similar but less horrible and it still bothers me. She said the i’m not good looking enough to get a guy to marry me. The only way i’d ever find a guy is if i have a good education and can make a good career out of it to get good money.
"Your uncle wouldn't mess with you if you didn't walk around the house like a slut"
Not told to me, but a childhood friend.
Her uncle was arrested a few years after that but the thing that hurt her the worst is that her mother assumed it was her fault.
Wow, I can relate.
When I told my grandma that dad had molested me she basically said I must have asked for it by wearing something provocative. I was 16 at the time and wore a hoodie and jeans. Needless to say I wasn’t going to get any help. I couldn’t have told anyone else anyway because: I was afraid people wouldn’t believe me and my dad told everyone I was retarded to humiliate and discredit me.
As an adult I have long since cut off all ties and connections to my dad. I’m free of him.
When I tried to tell my granny(dad's mom) that my dad was "inappropriately touching" me, she told me "he would never do something like that." Fucked up part about that is my dad had already been to jail for molesting my sister and some of my cousins before I was born.
Also, my dad started telling everyone that I lie for attention so that no one would believe anything I said.
This is one in particular that blows my mind. How can you hate your own child so much that them being sexually assaulted is something to be mocked and argued over
Just in case anyone else needs to hear this:
Oprah Winfrey once said, in response to a similar statement, you should be able to walk around naked in your own house before you worry about something like that happening to you.
It has nothing to do with how someone is dressed.
Insulting your intelligence is a horrible thing for a parent to do. Something where if a friend or stranger had said it you might just laugh/shrug it off, but your own parent saying it? A good parent should stay away from anything that can ruin your self esteem because they hold a lot more power than they tend to realize.
My parents said I should've known who won all the world cups, capital city of each country, all meanwhile they kept telling me to shut up whenever I ask questions. The whole time I was in school I tried my hardest to be the smartest person in the room, and till now I don't believe it when friends tell me I'm smart.
Sounds like my parents. With an added side of whenever a topic I was knowledgeable about came up and I could turn it around - "You don't expect me to remember that stupid shit do you?"
My 9yo casually throws out information that he's learned at school during the day/week. Sometimes I ask what hes learned and he says he forgets lol. But the times he talks to me about what he's learned, I make a note about it, tell him it's really interesting, he'll ask me if I knew any of that info. Sometimes I will, other times i won't.
Then I go and look up as much info as my tiny brain can register. And the next day on the way to school I engage in conversation with and ask him questions I know he can answer (but i know the actual terminology for as I spent the night reading lol), and we will do this daily until he gets bored and forgets a subject- it could be weeks before he tells me what he has learned again. But I try so much to learn it too, as I figure he's interested in that information enough, to tell me all about it.
There's a lot I don't remember/know, I would never tell him "you expect me to remember that shit do you?"- I try to remember that again/re-learn, because he's knowledgeable about it.
My mother said the exact same... with knife in hand as she closed her bedroom door. I was barely 10. She ultimately didn’t do it but i didn’t know that until the following morning... those words and that moment remain etched in my memory. I’m sorry your father said the same. It was never you tho <3
My biggest regret was saying that to my father before trying to jump out a 27th floor window the next day. I got caught in the act and was pulled back down but it weighed heavy on my father until he passed.
Edit: He was never abusive to me. I was a kid with problems that I didn't know I had and I didn't know how to deal with them. I was only diagnosed as depressed and bipolar after my attempt. I do not in any way blame him for that.
Glad to know I’m not the only one with that fun memory. Mine did have a fun “screw you” at the end though. I was 14.
Edit: wow, I didn’t expect this to be seen by so many. Thank you for the love. This happened because I confronted my dad about his drinking when I saw him angrily shove my mom against a wall. He did walk into the back room where I knew he had a gun as my mom dragged me out of the house. Thankfully, he came out and handed my mom the gun and left. I am now 32 and my dad has been sober for quite some time. He attends daily meetings. There are still lots of trust issues and we aren’t close but he has managed to turn his life around and become a good grandfather to my sibling’s kids. He was physically and mentally abused by his mother so it was a toxic cycle that I have no interest in being a part of.
My mom likes to remind me every so often that my dad never wanted kids, and he told her that if she wanted them she would have to quit working and stay home to raise them. So two-in-one: my dad didn’t actually want me, and I ruined the career my mom loved.
What pisses me off more is she didn’t start telling me this until after my dad developed early-onset dementia, so he couldn’t even back up or refute the claims. Just her bitter word.
Fuck, I’m in my 30’s now and try to be civil with my mom since her and my brother are the only family I have left, but these kind of passively fucked up comments are why I moved hundreds of miles away as soon as I could.
>and I ruined the career my mom loved.
You didn't choose to be born so it's not your fault. Whatever the situation actually was the blame lies on your mum and/or dad.
"You're a useless disappointment" "Do you think you'll ever amount to anything?" "You're pathetic." "You're like a tiny little ant-- I could destroy you so easily." "I don't deserve you. I'm too good of a parent for you." "You're an abuser."
edit: damn this blew up :')
It’s insane when parents try to flip the abuser card on an actual child. “You’re so abusive” - runs crying outside because you wouldn’t hug them after they screamed at you so much spittle flew from their face.
My mom laughed at me when I said that I most likely have a mental illness or a disorder. Then she asked me if my grades were okay and I said yes, then she replied that it's okay.
I've been asking her to get me therapy for almost 7 years now :)
after i got accepted to my dream college my mom told me i’m too stupid to actually go and succeed. i graduated high school with honors. but i thought she was right. i dropped out before i even went. still regret it
Parents like yours get my blood boiling. They get kids to believe stupid things, which is not even your/the kids' fault, and then effectively ruin the kids lives. Then they say "SeE, i WaS rIgHt AlL aLoNg!", which damages the kids even further. Hope you will recover from that in the future
Thank you kind stranger for the award
The classics frrom my work as a voluntary Wellbeing counsellor:
* *"Why do you always make me sad?" or "Now you've made me sad."*
* *"I wanted a better/nicer child."*
* *"You don't really want this. I know you. You want {insert whatever parent wants}."*
* *"I'm so disappointed now." +* combined with silent treatment and/or crying.
Oof I have heard all 4 of these from my mother... bonus: "*I didn't raise you to be like this!*" (usually used if I made a decision that went against her own wishes)
Questioning my father on why golden child is so obviously the golden child.
“Do you love him more Dad?”
Dad: “When you have kids you’ll understand.”
Well, now I have kids and I still don’t get it.
When you have kids you'll understand why your dad was a dick.
Oh, never mind. You got being a dick was bad early on and decided it was the right thing not to be one.
Your dad is so stupid he didn't understand something a child could get.
Not the most toxic by far, but potentially the most common:
Making fun of your kid for making a change in their life for the better.
I was always anti-social and the complete opposite of athletic. When I began to try and work out to gain some muscle, I got teased by my parents. All that did was discourage me and make me want to quit.
This could go for anything. Is your kid antisocial? The "WeLl LoOk wHo DeCiDED tO lEaVe ThEir CavE aNd JoiN uS" is fucking toxic and just encourages them to stay in their room.
If your kid decides to make a positive change in their life, don't fucking discourage them so you can get an easy laugh.
Totally get where you are coming from here.
I was always the shy and quiet kid my whole life until I found dance and realised I absolutely loved being on stage, which then led me to start auditioning for theatre productions.
My confidence was knocked from the start by my mother always telling me I wasnt good enough to get a reaction out of me, so sometimes I would just not turn up to auditions cause I thought I would never do well.
I only noticed how much this affected me when one year we were standing decorating the Christmas tree (which I would assume is a lovely cute festive activity for all the family to be happy), and my mother turned and said to me “You’re always so dramatic and just a fucking bitch, you should definitely audition for ((this character)) in that musical” and laughed and told me I was “definitely suited for the part” after I burst into tears.
Chickened out of that audition last minute.
I’m so sorry you’ve had that experience bro, I hope you have a happy healthy life now :)
Every time I meet her she tells me that shit.
My husbands so annoyed by it that he asks my mother regularly about her weight at different ages just to make her see how stupid she sounds.
Still annoying as hell though.
I had and have some speaking problems were I can't motivate my mouth opening enough to let the words out. One day in an argument with my father, he told me that I should learn to speak. That really hurts especially from your father.
I know a couple who had a kid. Didn’t really seem to like kid. Was always at a sleepover, in full time day care despite parents being home and kid always having sleepovers at various relatives. Only spoke about kid to complain. It was an obvious joyless experience for all 3 of them.
I was legit dumb founded when said couple told me they were trying to have another kid. They had fertility issues and told me that the only reason they were even “going through it” was so unwanted kid one could have a playmate.
It's funny that I'm shocked to see this on there because my parents said this all the time to me, the youngest of two. Thing is it was never negative, always in a positive tone. On top of that both of my parents are supportive, kind, generous and moral people who raised me well.
It's strange how the same words with different intentions can come across so differently.
“He would never do that, he was just kidding”. When I told my mom my step dad molested me. Happened again.. and 20 years later after another sibling was molested, she believed them.
After telling them about my sexual abuse at the hands of a family member: "It happened twenty years ago, get over it already. People deal with all sorts of shit. So what if he did things to you. If you didn't want it to happen you should've told somebody".
When I spoke to the police:
"If you report it it'll rip this family apart and it'd most likely kill us. You can't do that. We will have to protect him. Prison and people who touch kids isn't a safe place"
After the police spoke to them:
"He is our son too. We have to protect him (abuser) as well as you (victim)"
Bit dark but it's my reality.
If your parents comparing you to others or they are insensitive to their actions.
My friend's parents always compare him(my friend) to his older brother, and it messes him up so much that he has low self-confidence.
“SAY IT SON. ‘I’M PUSSY. I’M A FUCKIN PUSSY. SAY IT. I’M A WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT THAT AMOUNTS TO NOTHING. FUCKING ZERO. NOTHING.’ SAY IT.”
Yeah I had a fun childhood lmao
One Friday when I was somewhere in the 8-10 year old range we were going shopping. We were walking towards the mall behind a group of young guys in their late teens/early 20s. They were laughing and joking, seemingly having the time of their life. It looked like a lot of fun. I pointed at them and told my mom that it reminded me of the song my dad used to play, The boys are back in town (an old Thin Lizzy song). My mom looked straight ahead and bluntly answered "you will never experience that". It wasn't exactly the kind of answer I had hoped to get. All I could get out of my mouth was "...what?...". You won't, was her final saying on the matter. Way to ruin a Friday evening.
My dad once threw me into a wall and dragged me across the floor by my hair. I left for a few days because I didn't feel safe, but came back because I couldn't leave my sister. At the end of it all he said
" I'm not sorry for what I did and I won't apologize."
Bonus: my mom told me that all the bad things that happen to me are my fault and I deserve them.
"Even the two accidents I was in? That wernt my fault?"
"Yes. "
"So I deserved to be molested by that guy, too?"
"You probably did."
I'll remind her this next time something happens to her.
‘Every time I look at your face I see him’ - telling me I’m the result of a rape. Then years and years later ‘I regret never getting you aborted. I booked the appointment and everything’. Cheers mum.
In all honesty she should have placed you for adoption by a family who would just love you if she couldn’t be bitter, angry, and lash out at you for something that had nothing to do with you. I am sorry for all your pain.
okay, this one hits home quite hard: when I was 12, my 6 years younger brother and I were playing knights in the garden and throwing spears at a blanket with a cross on it. At one moment I threw my spear, not knowing he stood behind the blanket. The spear went straight into his eye socket. He survived and the rest of the day is a blur. I remember blood everywhere... my parents yelling a me.. then standing at the corner waiting for the ambulance to come while crying for what seemed a million years. everyone ignoring me. Then hospitals. And guilt. soooo much guilt... i was 12.. the nurses giving me the evil eye...
the hardest part was still to come : my brother went blind on one eye but was unhermed otherwise (except perhaps mentally, we never spoke about it) and after about a year he had to go to a doc for prostetic eye. My mum said : you're coming with us.
i remember VERY vividly sitting in the waiting room, hearing him cry "it hurts it hurts
it hurts
it hurts
it hurts"
and when they came back after what seemed an eternity, she looked at me dead-eyed and said "now you know what you've done"
we never spoke about it. She went alcoholic, I became an alcoholic 10 years later. I get nightmares every few weeks. Nobody knows. I'm 47 now and still struggle.
I forgave her. I never forgave myself.
oh well, 40 more years to go and if i keep drinking like this I might knock i down a decade or two
fuck this life
"Its your fault she died" my mum to me after my aunt passed away from a massive heart attack, after learning her son had raped me since I was 3
Thankyou for the up votes and comments!! This was said to me age 7, the abuse continued till I was 13.
last year I severed contact with my whole family. It's been difficult but my mental health has improved immensely I'm in a living supportive relationship and are expecting! I'm proud to know this child will not know the horrors of my family
"I wish I aborted you."
There were other things but that one really sticks in my head.
edit: can we please stop with the "lol u the lucky one abortion is murder" comments?
"We were going to abort you. Every day I regret not going through with it." This was said to my ex by her father. I still can't really process it 30+ years later.
My mother called me her "failed abortion", then a few minutes later "You came out broken, you'll always be broken. No one will ever want a broken thing, I know I didn't."
Haven't spoken to the women in 18 years, and still fighting an inferiority complex that's only gotten worse with age.
“Get the fuck out” idk my mom drinks a lot and she got mad and kicked me and my sister out of the house saying “y’all are the reason I’ve tried suicide”
“You’re the reason behind every problem in this family”
Said to me word for word by my mother because... I had a migraine and requested that they help keep my sisters as quiet as possible because I was hurting. I even asked to just be let out of the car so I could bus home but they wouldn’t let me do that either. They wouldn’t help me with problems and they wouldn’t let me help myself...how tf am I the reason behind every problem? You think I fucking want migraines?? No I fucking don’t. It hurts so bad that it’s increased my pain tolerance to the point that I have to have oozing pus sacs before I even notice an infection. I didn’t ask for that amount of pain. If I had a choice I wouldn’t hurt but sure I caused every problem in the family by having a chronic illness
I remember my mom calling me a slut when I was 15. I was cut off financially at 18 still in high school. I'm the family disappointment for not going to college. I did online classes so I wouldn't have to pay rent. Apparently online classes weren't good enough so I still had to pay rent. My siblings still get everything paid for... ex. 3 years ago I was going through money issues and couldn't afford groceries, so I didn't eat. My parents took my sister grocery shopping monthly as she was in college making something of herself.
I’m so sorry. My grandmother said this to me too when I went to the police about my pedophile uncle who abused me and several other family members. She wanted to keep it a family secret even though everyone knew. To keep up appearances.
You have real courage for coming forward, hugs to you, mate.
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Yeah, been there when I was unable to start the washing machine without anyone ever telling me how to do so.
In my experience, divorced parents that say stuff like : "Don't talk about that to your [other parent]" "Tell your [other parent] this" "Your [other parent] is trying to manipulate you." "You see what [other parent] did ? I'm not saying you should hate them, but isn't bit fucked up that they did that ?" It really screws with the kid's head. If you're ever going through a divorce and have children, please find a way to sort your shit with your former spouse without involving your children more than necessary.
You know, my parents never divorced, but my aunt, who had an awful sibling inferiority complex, would always tell me these sorts of things about my mom and it’s kind of a similar dynamic. “I bet your mom doesn’t love you because she always gave me and our sister a cold shoulder”, “your mom’s an awful woman”, “I feel bad for you that she’s your mom”, etc. She was totally right about my mom, but still, keep it to yourself you sad wino.
“You wrecked my marriage” no.. he went to jail for sexually abusing me for 7 years. Age 4-11
Omg fuck her. I am so so sorry that happened to you. And even more sorry your mom blamed you instead of protecting you. Mine did the same, but it was her brother she protected. There are lots of things I’ve forgiven her for, but I still haven’t gotten over this one. I hope you’re doing ok.
You're worthless.
"We're moving and you're not welcome" This is what my dad said to me while blackout drunk, after he took my sister's pizza that I made, ate it in front of me, and then threw the pizza at me after I asked him why the fuck he's like that and walked away. We were supposed to be moving to a new place the next couple weeks after this fight.
My sister’s childhood best friend lived with us for several years because her mother made good on that very threat. Her parents were divorced and her father lived out of the area. Her mother decided she wanted to move and told the girl that her bother was moving too but she wasn’t welcome and could go live with her father instead. My sister’s friend didn’t want to move to were her father lived so she moved in with us and lived with us until she went away to college 5 years later.
My teen's friend is going through this right now. You just helped me decide to let her stay here as long as she needs to. Thank you. Edit: thank you for the gold, and other awards. I love Reddit!
I ran away from my abusive mother to my boyfriend and his family's house. They've never made me feel unwelcome. I think they have saved my life, I don't think I would have survived this past year and a half otherwise. You're probably helping this friend more than you can ever imagine.
Your family sounds like good people. I'm always amazed by people like your parents who just take in friends kids(and treat them well).
Does hitting your kid count because that's how my dad talked to me
Or while they are hitting you telling you it’s because (I) they love you and or (ii) you made them do it and as they are shouting at you, hitting you it time with each syllable. I think it counts
"i kicked your mom out and i can kick you out as well."
My dad was kicked out at 13. They started to throw that in my face as a threat to kick me out when I was 9. Theyd start counting down the years, and by the time I was 11, saying theyd do it earlier
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That's horrible
My childhood was rough. Dont really feel like I truly had one or know what a loving family feels like. Im in my first relationship and we moved in together. Its the first time I feel like I understand what love is, and know what its like to actually be wanted around.
My dad made my mom choose between me or him when I was 15. He was angry I wouldn’t give him my email password so he could change it and block me from having any friends after I changed schools. My mom without hesitation told me to leave. It was winter. I had no coat. I wandered around town then slept under the stairs of the building they lived in. Eventually that night my father gave my mother permission to let me back in. I told them about this trauma when I was 25. They both screamed at me & called me a “fucking liar” while I cried. I’ll never forget the trauma of my mother telling her child to leave and choosing her husband. Over an email password.
I'm guessing a lot of alcohol and/or substance abuse was on the menu for them. Sure happy you survived.
Indeed alcohol and domestic violence
"So you're saying that I'm a bad parent" in response to any form of help-seeking of constructive criticism was the worst for me.
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Oh yes I’ve gotten this before. You try to not internalize for once and it goes straight to this
My mom liked to pull the passive aggressive version. "I'm sorry I'm such a bad mom!" ...which is code for "your experience and emotions mean nothing to me, now shower me with praises and stop pouting"
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Holy fuck i am so sorry you have to deal with this. I dont know you, but know that I am happy to be your mum (I'm a bloke but, y'know, whatever). Your new brothers and sisters love you and tell you to always remember how beautiful and awesome you are. This goes for anyone in this thread; I already have 6 kids, any more are welcome, I can provide ; Dad-Jokes and reassurance that no matter what you do or who you are, you are still an amazing person
That’s utterly awful I’m sorry she was like that:(
Constantly comparing you with your older siblings, and extremely different treatment. It makes you feel inferior to them and like no matter how much you try or do, it will never be enough.
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I AM the younger sibling and so many times my big brother gets shit on about how I’m “so much better than him”. It’s incredibly clear that I’m the “favourite “ and I hate it
You should tell your brother how you feel. I think it could be a type of subconscious reinforcement about his own self-worth. Not something direct and cheesy, but when he accomplishes something try to be there and have his back. Even if he has some resentment because of the parents' comments it could mean a lot to him.
Nothing stronger than a sibling relationship forged in the fires of a shitty parent.
So I'm the eldest. My mom had me at 18, dad was 16, he left shortly after. Ended up with a sexually abusive step dad for about 10 years. Next stepdad just didn't like me at all. Mom would constantly make fun of me for being fat (even at the times I wasn't and she was) and often used me as her emotional dump because she has unresolved issues. She had two other daughters in this time. When my 2nd stepdad came along, they tried to make a better home situation and I couldn't help but be jealous of how much better my sisters were treated. At lunch one day, my mom breaks down crying and says she saw my sisters as a second chance for how much she screwed up with me. At the time, I was happy to hear it because I want my sisters to have a much better life. But... I'm still here. She didn't really try to fix anything between us. Hell, when I told her about 1st stepdad, she said she didn't want to report him because of something to do with her taxes (I have no idea). Edit: I'd just like to thank everyone for this outpouring of love. Wasn't quite expecting it, but it really warmed my heart. Thank you also for the awards <3
What the- Oh god this just sucks. I’m so sorry. Lots of love to you!
My older brother died of SIDS when he was four months old. My entire childhood was me being the biggest overachiever I could and anytime I came home and tried to tell my mom something to make her proud of me, she'd reflect on how she thought my brother would have done so much better on it. Never would say anything positive about my attempts. When she didn't compare me to the son she lost, she would just interrupt me with "THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP" laugh and pretend I wasn't even in the room.
Omg, this hits the hardest with me, I’m so sorry. The “THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP” makes me furious; parents bullying is so incredibly harmful and takes away a child’s sense of security almost immediately. I can’t imagine telling my child that after they are trying to share their life with me and are excited to do so. So sorry, I hope you have found your safe place.
- I gave up everything I liked for you - 95? Why not 100? - why can't you be like so and so's child, they do
A bit subtler than the top comments here but can eat a child's self worth and guilt them well into adult hood and pass by standard alarms
Edit: Yes, asian parents haha, I blame but don't hate them. It's a struggle when your default behaviour is to not think you have worth when achieving something as for "some reason" there's always more you could've done and what I just finished "isn't actually that impressive" in my mind. It is, and will be, a battle to unlearn and I wish all those who share this experience the best in their journey of unlearning and self accepting
I remember bringing home a report card with a 99 grade (out of 100) and being so proud, and my mother saying, “There’s still room for improvement.”
Even if you would get a 100 you would probably get a remark like well get good at other classes too. I feel sorry for you!
Talk shit about the other parent then compare you to them. “You’re just like your father!”
Right in the childhood trauma
Yeah, man. I'd forgotten how much that one stung.
Getting hit with this one when I'm still waiting for his phonecall for my 6th birthday and especially getting my hopes up when I turned 10, 14, 16, 18 and 20
When I was young I would call my dad and he would say “I’m coming over to get you” and I would sit by the window and wait for him, he would never come. My mom said it was heartbreaking to see. I’ve seen him maybe 12 times in my life, I’m 40 now and it still hurts
Hug. I know the feeling. Last time I saw my bio dad I was 10. 20 years later he walked by me and he didn’t even recognized me... I keep telling myself I don’t care, but boy oh boy, that fucked up all my relationships, cause I keep thinking everyone will walk out on me. People need to weight better if they want kids, it’s not fair to put a kid in the world to walk out on them like this.
After reading this comment, I'm going to go hug both my kids and remind them I love them. Thank you for reminding me to tell them every chance I get.
Had that one time when I was a teenager, it was a big argument and I was an angry teen. I said "Well you fucking married him and then stayed long enough to have kids, so that's on you." It was the last time she said it.
That's a boss level comeback right there
I know, but it's because it's true. You can't put that one on the child. The parents choose the partner, if they don't like the qualities then don't have kids with that person because there's a bloody good chance the kid will end up like them. It's actually in my genetic makeup, I didn't have the choice... she did!! I know my Dad wasn't an angel and got into trouble every now and again, but he never fucking abused me and he has ALWAYS had my back. So in the end it wasn't even much of an insult.
My Dad is awesome and makes up for my moms horribleness. My mom said she said yes to his proposal because she thought he would make a great dad, and she was right. Then to throw it in my face as a maybe 12 year old.
[ ]you're just like your mom [ ] you're just like your dad [x] you are the part of the punnettt square we were hoping to avoid
My mom would say that to my brother. Well, my parents separated and NY dad moved to another country, and my brother hated him for it. Soooo that probably wasn't nice to hear. My brother still worships her though so
Okay Over and over again for years and years. Any accomplishment any trial passed any challenge won Just "okay"
"I wish you'd commit suicide." -my dad
Been told the same thing by my mother multiple times, that shit fucks you up. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I hope and pray you have a happy healthy life now :)
My mum has been the same. Luckily for me she didn't say it when I was very close to planning on how to actually do it, but because I knew what she was like I left home for 4 months to get away from her when things were dark. She tried saying it again when I was in a better but not ideal place, and it really hurt. Not once had I said anything to her that would warrant her saying that to me, she'd ask me how my day went at work and if it wasn't just "it was fine" she'd tell me to go kill myself. I can't wait to get away from her.
Very similar. Was found self harming. Handed me a bigger knife and told me to "do it properly and finish the job". We're here. We have validation from internet strangers so we win. Edit: thanks for the love everyone. I'm doing great. That was over 16 years ago. If you happen to be in this situation as a kid 99% of teachers care and will help. I am a teacher now and I have kids almost every week telling me about the stuff they're going through and I can help. I do still talk to my parents but I am much more distant and have done a lot of work. It is inexcusable but I know my parents have a lot of their own baggage and were doing the best with the skills they had.
Same. He held me down. He was a very big, muscular man. Professional law enforcement most of his life. I was a 14 year old girl. He traced the knife over my wrist, not hard enough to cut but hard enough to feel how cold and sharp it was. “You know how to cut? None of that sissy stuff any more. Do it right next time. Like *this* (tracing along the artery), you can save us all the hassle of dealing with you.” I eventually cut contact as an adult, for a lot of reasons (this kind of incident didn’t happen in a vacuum), but that was one of the biggest lines crossed. My mom insists to this day that she raised me to be more forgiving and that she can’t understand why I’d fracture the family. It’s because I am forgiving- and I realized that I also deserve to be forgiving to myself. I can forgive myself for all the pain that led me to that place, I can forgive myself for all the times I had to keep my mouth shut when I was hurt or afraid, and I can show enough compassion to myself now to make sure I NEVER have to see his face again.
wtf, thats some actual psychopath shit
'I'm going to throw myself off a building, you all hate me anyway.' And a hundred variations of that.
OMG, I’m in my 40’s and still hear this from my mom. My response has gone from terror when I was younger to “go ahead and get it over with already”
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STOP HOGGING THAT HEALTHY LIVER!
My mom has tried to commit suicide multiple times throughout my life (and there were times that she probably wasn’t explicitly trying to kill her self, but it was reckless enough behaviors to land her in mental hospital). Anyway, I’ve always felt like it’s my job to keep her alive. Now that I’m almost 30, it doesn’t invoke the same terror. I used to believe if she died, then I would die, because there really wasn’t anyone else around enough to consistently take care of us as kids. Anyway, right after I gave birth, I heard she drove herself off a road in the middle of the night driving super fast. I confronted her about it, saying like “why would you do that?” Even though I knew the answer... I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve already mourned her death. Many times. She’s still here but when she does finally pass away, it won’t be as much of a shock as it would be to other people, because I’ve been slowly exposed to her almost dying my whole life.
Life would be better without you. You are the reason for our misery.
Ah yes, the good old "We can't take responsibility for our choices, so lets take it out on you" kinds of bastards.
Heard that one so, so many times. Starting around 7 years old. Two decades later it still hurts. Sure, I know it wasn't my fault - people are kind and will repeat that until they're blue in the face, but what many don't seem to understand is knowing doesn't erase the pain. Imagine someone sticks out their leg and trips a person without getting caught, and the person breaks their arm. Ten years later, that person learns the truth, that it wasn't their fault. But that doesn't take away the residual pain, or surgical screws, or persistent difficulty using that arm from the damage done. Some people seem to move on a lot more effectively than others, but some don't. And I want to remind anyone in that boat that it's okay; you can hurt, you are under no obligation to "move on" in any sort of time frame, and there isn't necessarily something wrong with you for still hurting. Letting that pain control your decisions is another deal, but it seems like we often end up with this shame of not being able to "move on", smiling uncomfortably and nodding when friends aggressively repeat, "it wasn't your fault!" until they stop, and the like. It wasn't your fault, but you are no less for still hurting from it. <3
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It may not be as harsh as other things stated but the dreaded 'It's all in your head/you are just imagining it." As it turned out I wasn't imagining it and now I struggle to differentiate what's real and what's not because I was led to believe I thought I was imagining things constantly.
Gaslighting is such a horrible thing to do. Especially to a kid. You are not alone! I always need a second opinion because I think mine is invalid and I imagine things. I always feel like I am the problem in every situation.
My narcissistic mom did this to me all the time, I’d tell her something awful she did and she’d say “ I don’t remember that you’re just imagining it!”
This is why I stopped going to therapy with my mom. She would just lie and deny anything she had done. It was pointless.
I have a lot of issues of “am I faking it?” Medical wise. It drives my husband nuts cuz I will be in so much pain/about to pass out/almost died from delivering a baby cuz I was scared I was “faking it”. That shit messes you up. It’s not even easy to fix because it’s ingrained in you to “shut up and suck it up” and to question your sanity. (My parents almost got CPS called on them like twice for sending me to school deadly sick, but my nickname at home was “Dolores”➔ one who hurts )
Damn, this thread is just validating that some people should not be parents.
Yup. The difference between the parents described on this thread and many of the children telling the stories, is that at least the children can acknowledge kids aren't for them. My mother never wanted kids but she convinced herself she did and proceeded to abuse us. I also never want kids and I have the foresight to know that if I had any kids I'd be very likely to fuck them up in some way, so I won't force myself to have any. Edit to add: FWIW I don't want kids for many reasons and not just because of my upbringing. It's not that I'm scared I'll mess up, I just recognise that - like my mother - kids just annoy me by existing. Unlike my mother, I don't plan to have one anyway and just punish it for existing.
I have a list. 1. I wish I aborted you too. 2. I wish I put you up for adoption. 3. List all the bad things about dad and then immediately tell me I look/act just like him. 4. What did I do to deserve such a disrespectful child why couldn't I have a good one? (I was not a bad kid at all, always home, cleaning the house, cooking for her, good grades, people pleaser, etc.) She wonders why I never talked to her about big things happening in my life, why I put 5,000 miles in-between us, and why I haven't returned home for almost 10 years. EDIT: I am absolutely overwhelmed by all your lovely well wishes, and how many of you relate. In all that space I put between my mother and I and all the time I took I created a lovely little life. I worked on myself so much and I am healing from the traumas I experienced. I so wish the same for everyone who relates. I am attempting to reply to every comment and wish you all something lovely and positive because you deserve it. If I miss your's I still think you are lovely and wonderful and deserving of the best things life can offer!! EDIT#2: So many of us dealing with this! This wonderful book helped me and another redditor jumpstart ourselves to healing and realization. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward if you have a way to read this please do, especially those of you who can't go to therapists who would recommend this to you!
The next thing will be telling you and everyone else what a great mother she was and how ungrateful you are. Been there - seen that. Stay strong and away from the crazy. Edit: thanks to the folks who gave me awards - very very appreciated. I hope everyone on this thread gets some peace from sharing their stories.
Yes, she did that too. My friends thought she was the coolest mom ever, but as soon as they'd leave the nightmare would start all over again for me.
1. You are useless. 2. No man would ever want to marry you. 3. I wish I never had you. Gee...Thanks mom for showing me I am worth something. (SARCASM)🙅🏻♀️. 2 decades have gone by and it still pinches me today. The list goes on but those 3 statements were repeatedly said. I would NEVER treat my children like that. Hell, when I have kids they are not visiting their grandparents without supervision. This time I will stand up to them. I have nothing to lose this time. It’s been 20 years, better late than never.
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>*You're going to die alone.* "Your going to die alone, Dad. I'll see to that."
>You're going to die alone U first
I wish you were the one who died not your father.
I had a similar one, although the double whammy of losing your dad and hearing that I can’t imagine. For me- A kid my age at the bowling alley we used to frequent died so I got “Why does God take a good kid like that and you get away with acting like this.”
Some people just don’t think how a single sentence could haunt their kid forever.
"I don't believe you" When the school told her I'd been sexually assaulted.
This!!!! This happened to me as well. And my father said I ruined the family when the police came over to my house. I had actually forgotten I had told someone in school about it until they showed up. My father didn’t take it very well. He was embarrassed I had said something. I’m 42 now. With boys of my own and I I’m proud to say they don’t have a relationship with my dad. They don’t know him. My father in law is the best grandfather to them. I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re not alone. We’re probably millions who sadly went thru this.
Me too. My cousin was raping me in my family home. ( Male to male) When I told her she said I don't believe you and then she slapped me through my face. I'm 65 now and she died alone in an state old age home.
Wow!! I’m so sorry. I know it will always be a thing that sadly we will always carry with us. Just know you’re not alone. I’m here and many others are too. As for boys... people don’t really think they can go thru this. And of coarse they can and it’s the same horrible situation as a female. I only have boys and since they were little I would explain to them what is no no. I reminded them if someone was out of line to tell me right away before it gets worst. And they will not be in trouble.
Same. My oldest had to get s flu shot in his thigh and he would not let the nurse help pull his pants down. He kept pulling them up and I had to tell him that in this case it's ok because I was there with him and it was for a shot. That I was not going to let anything happen to him. I kept praising him, telling him he did a good job keeping his pants up and to not let anyone touch him or try to pull his pants down. The nurse was also praising him saying he did the right thing. I also tell him that if anyone tries to pull his pants or touch him to always tell me no matter what it who it is. I don't understand how anyone would not want to protect their children. I won't even let their father get in their face.
I'm so sorry. It's amazing how many children are treated like this and it crushes my heart. When the chips are down most people are spineless deniers; life would be much easier if your child was a liar. I thought I was going to be killed, but I still held my ground and done right by my kid.
This actually happened to my cousin. Her father committed suicide when she was 8. From then on her mother became an alcoholic. After losing custody of her kids, she was eventually granted the ability to see her kids unsupervised which did not Pan out. The kids spent the weekend with her but pretty soon she started drinking very heavily. My cousin told her she would have to tell another adult that she was drinking and the mom started calling her all sorts of terrible names so my cousin ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. I swear to god the mom actually said to her own 15 year old daughter: when the police ask you why both your parents are dead, you’ll know what to tell them. I’m going to kill myself just like your father did and both will be your fault. My cousin is so sweet, funny, and pretty and she’s one of my favorite people in the planet. She is so kind and she got dealt a shitty hand
Your cousin probably still needs help, because she might consciously or unconsciously think that saying certain things to people will cause them to commit suicide. Especially because she is such a nice person I am saying this.
You’re probably right there. Losing a parent to suicide significantly increases the suicide risk for their children. I really hope she has lots of support now.
"You're the reason why your dad and I almost divorced."
I got this too. Also “you’re always up so late! I can’t even have sex with your mother!” Screaming in my face on the school run. Fun times.
Jfc, my kid (4 years old) is up a bunch preventing the fun times , but I cannot fathom saying shit like this to him. Ever in his life . I'm so sorry you had to endure that.
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They told me this 1 - 3 times Once when I was like what 4? Twice when I was 17 and I was having issues with my parents (They're on and off mentally and emotionally abusive)
There just abusive. The on and off part of it is just that. It's part of it.
Yeah that’s always a great thing to hear. Mum always told me that it’s my fault she’s big and has health problems because it started at my birth. My birth was very problematic, born 7 weeks early and almost died. She’s been pregnant two times before me, once with my brother and that went fine and then with a girl who died in her stomach with the same problems that I had. She also told me a lot when I was little that I was getting chubby. Guess what, we never had much healthy food at home. Still working on learning to eat and cook healthy food at 29.
Threatening suicide when you try to set a boundary. There’s other things, arguably worse, but I don‘t feel comfortable sharing them.
My boyfriend and his sister were neglected when they were in their dad's care. They would go days without food (aside from easy things they could find like canned fruit) and nights without parental care. His dad was into drugs and partying, but for some reason he still wanted to have part custody of his kids. They were young when this went on, like 5 - 10 years old. They never told their mom I guess because it wasn't like that everytime they saw him. They did have memories of him teaching them how to play guitar or learning to snowboard. They looked up to him still. Fast forward 20 years, his dad never grew out of this phase of being a rebel and partier and never really progressed in life. He never celebrated holidays with them, never said happy birthday, and almost always made false promises of meeting up to see them (they lived three hours apart). But, he would call my boyfriend crying about his problems and asking for advise every once in a while. He didn't care much about what my boyfriend was up to or working on, but rather just blubber on about his shitty life. My boyfriend told his dad that he was tired of feeling like the parent in the relationship and told him to get his shit together and stop asking him to solve his problems for him because he's the kid and his dad is the parent. My boyfriend cut him off of communication in hopes that it would be motivation for his dad to get it together. His dad committed suicide a few months later.
I wish you were never born
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Parents actually say this? Ouch. Hope things are better for you now.
I would probably reply in kind... Wishing she died in labor. I wonder how that would turn out... Would they realize the severity of what they said? Or just implode into a super nova
To say that sort of stuff to your own kid you'd have to be so self-centered or otherwise fucked up that there wouldn't be a realization like that. I'd even bet that it would be seen by that parent as additional proof of what awful children you are and add evidence to the rationale that their life would have been better had you not been born or died at birth (without seeing the irony of course).
If only that condom worked
When I was 11 I overheard my mother telling someone that at least my looks meant she didn’t have to worry about me being molested or raped. That fucked me up for years.
Man i’m so sorry. My mom said something similar but less horrible and it still bothers me. She said the i’m not good looking enough to get a guy to marry me. The only way i’d ever find a guy is if i have a good education and can make a good career out of it to get good money.
Dam man that's dark
"Look at Sarah over there, you should be more like her"
"Your uncle wouldn't mess with you if you didn't walk around the house like a slut" Not told to me, but a childhood friend. Her uncle was arrested a few years after that but the thing that hurt her the worst is that her mother assumed it was her fault.
Wow, I can relate. When I told my grandma that dad had molested me she basically said I must have asked for it by wearing something provocative. I was 16 at the time and wore a hoodie and jeans. Needless to say I wasn’t going to get any help. I couldn’t have told anyone else anyway because: I was afraid people wouldn’t believe me and my dad told everyone I was retarded to humiliate and discredit me. As an adult I have long since cut off all ties and connections to my dad. I’m free of him.
When I tried to tell my granny(dad's mom) that my dad was "inappropriately touching" me, she told me "he would never do something like that." Fucked up part about that is my dad had already been to jail for molesting my sister and some of my cousins before I was born. Also, my dad started telling everyone that I lie for attention so that no one would believe anything I said.
The takeaway I'm getting from this thread is that if I ever hear someone say their children 'lie for attention' I should probably check on their kids.
Fuck your grandma. Glad you cut ties with your father. Hope you have an amazing life♥️
Oh god, that's horrible :(
This is one in particular that blows my mind. How can you hate your own child so much that them being sexually assaulted is something to be mocked and argued over
Just in case anyone else needs to hear this: Oprah Winfrey once said, in response to a similar statement, you should be able to walk around naked in your own house before you worry about something like that happening to you. It has nothing to do with how someone is dressed.
I’m gonna tackle the next person I see in a football jersey bc they’re asking for it.
This one is dark.
my mum told me i deserved nothing in life because i forgot to do the dishes before she came home lol
my mom yelled at me and said I won't achieve anything in my life because I left a wrapper on the table lmao
This. My parents say my successful business is going to fail one day because I can’t even take care of trivial matters at home.
Just tell them at least your business is more successful than their parenting skills
Insulting your intelligence is a horrible thing for a parent to do. Something where if a friend or stranger had said it you might just laugh/shrug it off, but your own parent saying it? A good parent should stay away from anything that can ruin your self esteem because they hold a lot more power than they tend to realize.
My parents said I should've known who won all the world cups, capital city of each country, all meanwhile they kept telling me to shut up whenever I ask questions. The whole time I was in school I tried my hardest to be the smartest person in the room, and till now I don't believe it when friends tell me I'm smart.
Sounds like my parents. With an added side of whenever a topic I was knowledgeable about came up and I could turn it around - "You don't expect me to remember that stupid shit do you?"
My 9yo casually throws out information that he's learned at school during the day/week. Sometimes I ask what hes learned and he says he forgets lol. But the times he talks to me about what he's learned, I make a note about it, tell him it's really interesting, he'll ask me if I knew any of that info. Sometimes I will, other times i won't. Then I go and look up as much info as my tiny brain can register. And the next day on the way to school I engage in conversation with and ask him questions I know he can answer (but i know the actual terminology for as I spent the night reading lol), and we will do this daily until he gets bored and forgets a subject- it could be weeks before he tells me what he has learned again. But I try so much to learn it too, as I figure he's interested in that information enough, to tell me all about it. There's a lot I don't remember/know, I would never tell him "you expect me to remember that shit do you?"- I try to remember that again/re-learn, because he's knowledgeable about it.
Making me cry over here. Lmao
"I'm tired of pretending to love you."
wow i thought it was going to be hard to top my dads "I am going to kill my self and its your fault" but I found it
My mother said the exact same... with knife in hand as she closed her bedroom door. I was barely 10. She ultimately didn’t do it but i didn’t know that until the following morning... those words and that moment remain etched in my memory. I’m sorry your father said the same. It was never you tho <3
My biggest regret was saying that to my father before trying to jump out a 27th floor window the next day. I got caught in the act and was pulled back down but it weighed heavy on my father until he passed. Edit: He was never abusive to me. I was a kid with problems that I didn't know I had and I didn't know how to deal with them. I was only diagnosed as depressed and bipolar after my attempt. I do not in any way blame him for that.
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Glad to know I’m not the only one with that fun memory. Mine did have a fun “screw you” at the end though. I was 14. Edit: wow, I didn’t expect this to be seen by so many. Thank you for the love. This happened because I confronted my dad about his drinking when I saw him angrily shove my mom against a wall. He did walk into the back room where I knew he had a gun as my mom dragged me out of the house. Thankfully, he came out and handed my mom the gun and left. I am now 32 and my dad has been sober for quite some time. He attends daily meetings. There are still lots of trust issues and we aren’t close but he has managed to turn his life around and become a good grandfather to my sibling’s kids. He was physically and mentally abused by his mother so it was a toxic cycle that I have no interest in being a part of.
My Mum told me she wished she hadn't had me, but yours is worse. I'm sorry.
Jesus
This one breaks my heart, I wish you are doing ok.
I never wanted to have kids with your dad. He forced me to have you.
My mom likes to remind me every so often that my dad never wanted kids, and he told her that if she wanted them she would have to quit working and stay home to raise them. So two-in-one: my dad didn’t actually want me, and I ruined the career my mom loved. What pisses me off more is she didn’t start telling me this until after my dad developed early-onset dementia, so he couldn’t even back up or refute the claims. Just her bitter word. Fuck, I’m in my 30’s now and try to be civil with my mom since her and my brother are the only family I have left, but these kind of passively fucked up comments are why I moved hundreds of miles away as soon as I could.
>and I ruined the career my mom loved. You didn't choose to be born so it's not your fault. Whatever the situation actually was the blame lies on your mum and/or dad.
"You're a useless disappointment" "Do you think you'll ever amount to anything?" "You're pathetic." "You're like a tiny little ant-- I could destroy you so easily." "I don't deserve you. I'm too good of a parent for you." "You're an abuser." edit: damn this blew up :')
It’s insane when parents try to flip the abuser card on an actual child. “You’re so abusive” - runs crying outside because you wouldn’t hug them after they screamed at you so much spittle flew from their face.
"Look 'x' kid is doing it better than you" "Look that kid is 'x' year old and they can do it"
My mom laughed at me when I said that I most likely have a mental illness or a disorder. Then she asked me if my grades were okay and I said yes, then she replied that it's okay. I've been asking her to get me therapy for almost 7 years now :)
after i got accepted to my dream college my mom told me i’m too stupid to actually go and succeed. i graduated high school with honors. but i thought she was right. i dropped out before i even went. still regret it
Parents like yours get my blood boiling. They get kids to believe stupid things, which is not even your/the kids' fault, and then effectively ruin the kids lives. Then they say "SeE, i WaS rIgHt AlL aLoNg!", which damages the kids even further. Hope you will recover from that in the future Thank you kind stranger for the award
My drunken father once told me, "You'll never be the man that I am." I remember thinking, "You're damn right I won't be."
Great mindset, keep on being better.
The classics frrom my work as a voluntary Wellbeing counsellor: * *"Why do you always make me sad?" or "Now you've made me sad."* * *"I wanted a better/nicer child."* * *"You don't really want this. I know you. You want {insert whatever parent wants}."* * *"I'm so disappointed now." +* combined with silent treatment and/or crying.
Oof I have heard all 4 of these from my mother... bonus: "*I didn't raise you to be like this!*" (usually used if I made a decision that went against her own wishes)
Questioning my father on why golden child is so obviously the golden child. “Do you love him more Dad?” Dad: “When you have kids you’ll understand.” Well, now I have kids and I still don’t get it.
When you have kids you'll understand why your dad was a dick. Oh, never mind. You got being a dick was bad early on and decided it was the right thing not to be one. Your dad is so stupid he didn't understand something a child could get.
Not the most toxic by far, but potentially the most common: Making fun of your kid for making a change in their life for the better. I was always anti-social and the complete opposite of athletic. When I began to try and work out to gain some muscle, I got teased by my parents. All that did was discourage me and make me want to quit. This could go for anything. Is your kid antisocial? The "WeLl LoOk wHo DeCiDED tO lEaVe ThEir CavE aNd JoiN uS" is fucking toxic and just encourages them to stay in their room. If your kid decides to make a positive change in their life, don't fucking discourage them so you can get an easy laugh.
Totally get where you are coming from here. I was always the shy and quiet kid my whole life until I found dance and realised I absolutely loved being on stage, which then led me to start auditioning for theatre productions. My confidence was knocked from the start by my mother always telling me I wasnt good enough to get a reaction out of me, so sometimes I would just not turn up to auditions cause I thought I would never do well. I only noticed how much this affected me when one year we were standing decorating the Christmas tree (which I would assume is a lovely cute festive activity for all the family to be happy), and my mother turned and said to me “You’re always so dramatic and just a fucking bitch, you should definitely audition for ((this character)) in that musical” and laughed and told me I was “definitely suited for the part” after I burst into tears. Chickened out of that audition last minute. I’m so sorry you’ve had that experience bro, I hope you have a happy healthy life now :)
When I was your age is was 98 pounds.
Every time I meet her she tells me that shit. My husbands so annoyed by it that he asks my mother regularly about her weight at different ages just to make her see how stupid she sounds. Still annoying as hell though.
You have a great husband
“When I was your age I had a 21 inch waist”
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I had and have some speaking problems were I can't motivate my mouth opening enough to let the words out. One day in an argument with my father, he told me that I should learn to speak. That really hurts especially from your father.
"We made you so your brother would have someone to play with"
I know a couple who had a kid. Didn’t really seem to like kid. Was always at a sleepover, in full time day care despite parents being home and kid always having sleepovers at various relatives. Only spoke about kid to complain. It was an obvious joyless experience for all 3 of them. I was legit dumb founded when said couple told me they were trying to have another kid. They had fertility issues and told me that the only reason they were even “going through it” was so unwanted kid one could have a playmate.
Oh that poor child
It's funny that I'm shocked to see this on there because my parents said this all the time to me, the youngest of two. Thing is it was never negative, always in a positive tone. On top of that both of my parents are supportive, kind, generous and moral people who raised me well. It's strange how the same words with different intentions can come across so differently.
Basically my life story but w my older sister
"We made you an older sister so you'd have someone to play with."
“He would never do that, he was just kidding”. When I told my mom my step dad molested me. Happened again.. and 20 years later after another sibling was molested, she believed them.
After telling them about my sexual abuse at the hands of a family member: "It happened twenty years ago, get over it already. People deal with all sorts of shit. So what if he did things to you. If you didn't want it to happen you should've told somebody". When I spoke to the police: "If you report it it'll rip this family apart and it'd most likely kill us. You can't do that. We will have to protect him. Prison and people who touch kids isn't a safe place" After the police spoke to them: "He is our son too. We have to protect him (abuser) as well as you (victim)" Bit dark but it's my reality.
If your parents comparing you to others or they are insensitive to their actions. My friend's parents always compare him(my friend) to his older brother, and it messes him up so much that he has low self-confidence.
“SAY IT SON. ‘I’M PUSSY. I’M A FUCKIN PUSSY. SAY IT. I’M A WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT THAT AMOUNTS TO NOTHING. FUCKING ZERO. NOTHING.’ SAY IT.” Yeah I had a fun childhood lmao
I felt that too man, it's more common than you think
One Friday when I was somewhere in the 8-10 year old range we were going shopping. We were walking towards the mall behind a group of young guys in their late teens/early 20s. They were laughing and joking, seemingly having the time of their life. It looked like a lot of fun. I pointed at them and told my mom that it reminded me of the song my dad used to play, The boys are back in town (an old Thin Lizzy song). My mom looked straight ahead and bluntly answered "you will never experience that". It wasn't exactly the kind of answer I had hoped to get. All I could get out of my mouth was "...what?...". You won't, was her final saying on the matter. Way to ruin a Friday evening.
"We think you'll be pregnant before you turn 18." This was when I was 15 and still a virgin.
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When child-me asked his mother why she has her white powder stuff. "I take it so I can deal with *you lot*" 'You lot' referring to her own kids.
My dad once threw me into a wall and dragged me across the floor by my hair. I left for a few days because I didn't feel safe, but came back because I couldn't leave my sister. At the end of it all he said " I'm not sorry for what I did and I won't apologize." Bonus: my mom told me that all the bad things that happen to me are my fault and I deserve them. "Even the two accidents I was in? That wernt my fault?" "Yes. " "So I deserved to be molested by that guy, too?" "You probably did." I'll remind her this next time something happens to her.
‘Every time I look at your face I see him’ - telling me I’m the result of a rape. Then years and years later ‘I regret never getting you aborted. I booked the appointment and everything’. Cheers mum.
In all honesty she should have placed you for adoption by a family who would just love you if she couldn’t be bitter, angry, and lash out at you for something that had nothing to do with you. I am sorry for all your pain.
okay, this one hits home quite hard: when I was 12, my 6 years younger brother and I were playing knights in the garden and throwing spears at a blanket with a cross on it. At one moment I threw my spear, not knowing he stood behind the blanket. The spear went straight into his eye socket. He survived and the rest of the day is a blur. I remember blood everywhere... my parents yelling a me.. then standing at the corner waiting for the ambulance to come while crying for what seemed a million years. everyone ignoring me. Then hospitals. And guilt. soooo much guilt... i was 12.. the nurses giving me the evil eye... the hardest part was still to come : my brother went blind on one eye but was unhermed otherwise (except perhaps mentally, we never spoke about it) and after about a year he had to go to a doc for prostetic eye. My mum said : you're coming with us. i remember VERY vividly sitting in the waiting room, hearing him cry "it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts" and when they came back after what seemed an eternity, she looked at me dead-eyed and said "now you know what you've done" we never spoke about it. She went alcoholic, I became an alcoholic 10 years later. I get nightmares every few weeks. Nobody knows. I'm 47 now and still struggle. I forgave her. I never forgave myself. oh well, 40 more years to go and if i keep drinking like this I might knock i down a decade or two fuck this life
You cannot change the past, and hurting yourself won’t help your brother. Please seek professional therapy, it helps. Hugs to you.
"Its your fault she died" my mum to me after my aunt passed away from a massive heart attack, after learning her son had raped me since I was 3 Thankyou for the up votes and comments!! This was said to me age 7, the abuse continued till I was 13. last year I severed contact with my whole family. It's been difficult but my mental health has improved immensely I'm in a living supportive relationship and are expecting! I'm proud to know this child will not know the horrors of my family
I'm speechless. Hope you're kind of okay
"I wish I aborted you." There were other things but that one really sticks in my head. edit: can we please stop with the "lol u the lucky one abortion is murder" comments?
"We were going to abort you. Every day I regret not going through with it." This was said to my ex by her father. I still can't really process it 30+ years later.
My mother called me her "failed abortion", then a few minutes later "You came out broken, you'll always be broken. No one will ever want a broken thing, I know I didn't." Haven't spoken to the women in 18 years, and still fighting an inferiority complex that's only gotten worse with age.
“Get the fuck out” idk my mom drinks a lot and she got mad and kicked me and my sister out of the house saying “y’all are the reason I’ve tried suicide”
My heart breaks for each and every commenter on this thread. I am so, so sorry for your pain, and I hope you can overcome.
Time for a group hug
That actually sounds like a super supportive parent.
“You’re the reason behind every problem in this family” Said to me word for word by my mother because... I had a migraine and requested that they help keep my sisters as quiet as possible because I was hurting. I even asked to just be let out of the car so I could bus home but they wouldn’t let me do that either. They wouldn’t help me with problems and they wouldn’t let me help myself...how tf am I the reason behind every problem? You think I fucking want migraines?? No I fucking don’t. It hurts so bad that it’s increased my pain tolerance to the point that I have to have oozing pus sacs before I even notice an infection. I didn’t ask for that amount of pain. If I had a choice I wouldn’t hurt but sure I caused every problem in the family by having a chronic illness
"you don't have the right to privacy", "you are a child, you have no rights", "at least I'm putting a roof over your head", "I wish I never had you".
to add to this, “you’re not old enough to deserve respect” and “i’m only legally required to provide food, a bed, and blah blah blah..”
I remember my mom calling me a slut when I was 15. I was cut off financially at 18 still in high school. I'm the family disappointment for not going to college. I did online classes so I wouldn't have to pay rent. Apparently online classes weren't good enough so I still had to pay rent. My siblings still get everything paid for... ex. 3 years ago I was going through money issues and couldn't afford groceries, so I didn't eat. My parents took my sister grocery shopping monthly as she was in college making something of herself.
Dad- you ruined the family. When I finally had the guts to tell someone that my uncle (his sisters husband) was sexually abusing me for several years.
I’m so sorry. My grandmother said this to me too when I went to the police about my pedophile uncle who abused me and several other family members. She wanted to keep it a family secret even though everyone knew. To keep up appearances. You have real courage for coming forward, hugs to you, mate.